#citadelspeaks

[citadel-of-paper-birds]

You know, it's interesting to listen to fiction podcasts that center around time-space. I work as a pharmacy technician, so I spend my whole day listening to podcasts. It creates this really intense lens to look through, experiencing someone's story at terminal velocity, all at once.

I get these absolute epiphany moments where I feel like, just for a second, I understand things that were previously outside my mental grasp. And these moments aren't truly about physics or any of the science behind these shows, but more because of this semi-scientific narrative.

Like listening to Wolf 359, and hearing about the law of conservation and realizing that it can absolutely be another interpretation of death. A more expanded, but still rudimentary understanding of energy and life.

There are so many of these moments but they're all so abstract in my mind. Putting them into words feels impossible.

[citadel-of-paper-birds]

Anyone following along with my Secrets, Secrets Sanders Sides story can now read it on AO3. I've updated with chapter 3 as well! I'd love to hear from you again whether that be here or on AO3!

LINK TO FIC

@lost-in-thought-20 @diamondwind99

[citadel-of-paper-birds]

"Secrets, secrets are no fun..."

I've been reading a lot of ff lately about Pride!Roman, and I honestly can't help but feel like there's so much that could be explored here. If you want some messy au headcanons, read below!

The concept of Roman "falling" to the dark side is as fascinating to me as the idea of Roman re-fusing with Remus. I like the idea that Roman would try to hide that he's falling from the others, and it's his own pride keeping him from asking for help or talking about how he's feeling with the others too.

I’ve come to a conclusion: being C!Thomas’s ego while also being his creativity must be really hard. The way I think about it, ego is a necessary trait for any individual. Creativity is too, but it’s actually not nearly as essential as the ego. Now where Thomas is concerned I have a whole mini dissertation regarding how Thomas’s ego and creativity ended up all tangled together, but it boils down to one major point. Thomas, as an artist, conflates his ego with his art because the degree to which he values his art makes it a point of pride for him, and therefore makes him more sensitive to others criticizing it. 

Without going too much into all that (for this post, anyway) let’s talk about why ego being a more essential function than creativity is important. I think the best way to explain is to give an alternate example. If we look at Logan for example, and if we subscribe to the idea that Logan is not just Thomas’s logic but also his curiosity we can see that there’s a clear divide between a primary function (logic) and a secondary function (curiosity). If Logan were to suddenly reverse which function he paid primary attention to then Thomas’s mindscape would be a mess. Curiosity in the driver’s seat with logic riding in the back? Unlikely to work out well.

But in a way, that’s exactly what Roman is doing and I think it might be caused by multiple factors. I think Roman’s main function is supposed to be ego, not creativity. Creativity is needed for every individual but not every individual is a creative person. Someone different may have their ego connected with their curiosity/drive to learn, while others might combine their ego with their empathy - it would most likely depend on what sub-function feeds that individual’s ego. The secondary function is meant to act as a support for the primary function (Logic & curiosity, morality & emotions/empathy, fight or flight & anxiety, self preservation & deceit, “dark” creativity & intrusive thoughts). 

Roman is treating creativity like it’s the primary function, and there are a couple main reasons this could be. One is that because Roman was split from the original creativity, who may have also encompassed the ego, he was very confused after being yanked in half and simply didn’t realize he had obtained the ego until later (and if you didn’t notice it, can it really be that important?). Another is that ego is often associated with pride, and pride is not considered a “good” thing to have. Most people have a very negative connotation of pride. You say someone’s a “proud” person and it means they’re stubborn, you say someone is prideful and it means they’re arrogant. 

Patton, our morality, is clearly put on a pedestal by Roman as seen in the most recent videos, and Roman feels like he knows that Patton would disapprove if he were to show his more egotistical side. The thing is, ego is just how a person perceives themselves when you put it in simple terms. Ego at its healthiest is a sense of self-respect. Go too far in one direction and yes, you’ll get arrogance. My concern lies in going too far the other direction, because in an effort to be “good” for Patton and the others, Roman is starving his ego instead, which can cause major self confidence issues going forward.

Honestly, I think maybe a cool option would be if Roman could somehow give a large portion of his hand in creativity to Remus. I talked before in my other post about how sometimes it feels like Remus doesn’t have a proper “helpful” function for Thomas and that could be due to only being half a side. When Roman and Remus split it seems like the split may have been uneven, and in fact the dark creativity be sequestered to one person might be what’s causing the intrusive thoughts - they might very well be Remus’s, not Thomas’s.

Giving Remus a larger portion of creativity from Roman would mean that his ideas wouldn’t always be unusable, gross, or illegal. He might be able to actually help Roman brainstorm without being distracted by the constant chatter in his own head! Likewise, having less creative function would make it easier for Roman to focus on being Thomas’s ego and working on what’s best for Thomas’s self-respect and self-image. It might also make sense that with responsibilities shifting, perhaps intrusive thoughts could be co-handled by Remus and Virgil both. Functions working together just seems like it would be more efficient.

This is already long so let me add a few more off-the-cuff things to my headcanons/aus list:

Virgil’s main function is fight or flight, not anxiety. Anxiety was just the most “noticeable” thing about him, and so the other functions (and Thomas) labeled him the best way they knew how at the time. They never started calling him fight or flight because they had already been calling him anxiety for so long, and because it doesn’t have the same ring to it. The same goes for Janus with his primary trait being self preservation and secondary being deceit. 

In this particular au where I’m making it canon that Roman’s main trait is ego and not creativity, when all the responsibilities shift it changes Remus’s functions from dark creativity & intrusive thoughts to ingenuity & resilience. No particular reason, I just want nice things for Remus. 

Anyway, what if a dark side is just a demonized side? Which is why when Roman becomes ego or pride for a lot of people he becomes “dark.” It’s a perception thing.

[citadel-of-paper-birds]

To anyone who gets a notification they're being followed by a random user they don't recognize shortly after liking/reblogging my writing or art...

Hi, that's me. That's my main account. ( @neptunes-afterstories )

Welcome to my side blog - for my art, my writing, and reblogging posts that inspire me towards my projects. My tags are #citadelart, #citadelwrites, #citadelasks, and #citadelspeaks!

[citadel-of-paper-birds]

That feeling when the WIP you posted has nearly as many notes as your other top art posts, but you've finally finished shading the piece and now you have to decide whether it's even worth posting the finished version at this point.