#chrono3

[inhalareexhalare]

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I'm re-watching Beowulf. I love the internal conflict and the fragile humanness.

Tita K (the psychic gf) had a dream last night where I said I wanted to go back home. To them, to Pa. But I said it with tears. Strange. I don't want to go home, if it means giving up on my freedom as an explorer and giving up on learning things without the terms being defined for you by others.

She didn't tell me right away when she called. In fact she only told me at the end of our nostalgic chat.

Pa is drowning in debt. His grand business idea should have been as grand in reality if it all worked as planned.

But it didn't. For eight years. Three years before mom died, and five years reaching up to this point. I am worried. His hired engineer buddy seemed to keep making miscalculations with the materials needed for the plant to function.

From the promised 30 million cost, we're now at 600 million, with more than half of that as debt. The debt is not the problem. That is easily paid when the plant starts running. The problem is the next debts. The bank won't lend Pa any more money, because they feel uneasy about the business' feasibility. But Pa needs that money to pay for materials that might make it run this time.

The when is starting to become an "if." 

Tita K and I know that none of us have he kind of power to get Pa out of the situation, but she felt that I had to know, and I did want to know.

(She said she didn't have anyone to tell this to, but since I already know, and since I'm the closest to her among us siblings, here we are. I'd imagine too, since I stayed with her for quite a while. I'm also not sensitive enough to be emotionally drained from her. Because she is, when she's going through shit. The reason is that her number one coping mechanism is venting.)

She's been finding Pa alone in his room, reading his books more often. She can feel his sadness. The kingly lion has started asking questions like, "what if this doesn't work? What if it never starts?"

This is not the Pa I know. This isn't the Pa that inspired me to keep pushing my limits.

Yet I understand his sadness. I can't even comprehend how he can still manage to go to sleep at night. I'm sure it's tough on him.

And he talks about this to no one. Nobody. He takes this alone. Like he always have. It's the first time I've heard of this. I thought the plant business had only started to be built two years ago. I never knew his dreams for us, his beloved children, until it was almost too late and I had graduated college.

He takes all the burden alone. All of it.

I don't know what to do to help. He needs some 15 million more to get this going, but he doesn't know where to get it. It's been hard to look for people willing or even capable of buying his property.

A deal was made, although not accepted yet, that this business entity will buy the property for cheap but that's four months later. The interest would have multiplied faster than the amount he has to pay back.

Tight spot.

This is the reason why they'd been staying in the province, only visiting Nynaeve and Justice (our youngest brother) every other week. They're saving up. No matter how risky Pa played, we never had to be thrifty in a way that limits our family thing. That has never happened.

Tita jokes that she has started to feed Pa our local fish dishes, but I'm sure that wasn't a joke. (Pa only makes himself look like he has class. I know he actually has very homely and simple tastes and is a kid in a king suit hahaha) Tita wants to lift his spirits at the very least. She never wants to see him depressed, or thinking that he's a failure.

If only the bank can somehow be convinced. Tita has a contact person that might be able to help. But this is a secret, so I won't say more. Nothing shady, nothing that discards our dignity, mind you.

I respect my dad's tenacity. I really do. He's spearheading a pioneer business.

That is exactly why I don't want his crystal conviction to crumble under the pressure. It's too precious.

What can I do? What can anyone do? Ugh. Think.

2018-11-10 17:08 Philippines Saturday

You know what? If my kid/s get home tired from a long day, I won't serve them water. 

I'll make it available, but they have to learn to get it themselves.

Initiative should become an instinct.

Because someone like me who was given everything she needed in childhood with very little effort needed becomes neglectful and let'sbehonest ignorantly so.

I may know when I'm thirsty, but the initiative to look for water isn't embedded in me.

I don't wanna be a cold bitch to kids or people in general of course. If they ask for water, I'd help if I can. Asking also takes effort, you know? Asking for help. Surprisingly.

2018-11-10 19:43 Philippines Saturday

[inhalareexhalare]

It's been a while since I rode a bus. Karu and I are on our way to Cavite. To the Karu family, where I spent my first year of independence from my own.

This was me in our usual creatively messy room. I sleep long hours when I get the chance.

Curtains and chimes.

I wonder how Cleo is doing. We left him two bowlfuls of ration but I'm not sure he understands the concept of rationing.

We'll be back on Sunday for church and I hope he learns rationing before then. I might be asking for too much.

I also miss that awesome Shawarma the Persian mall-stall owner makesss in Cavite.

Karu and I are hoping to get a taste of it again just once hahaha.

2018-11-01 15:00 Philippines Thursday

Iba talaga ang simoy ng hangin dito.

[The taste of the breeze is just different here.]

I love this place. I love the simple provinces.

It’s so close to nature.

This is Karu, cruiser boarding.

Home sweet home.

That's Karu's head.

2018-11-01 17:00 Philippines Thursday

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1083weLIW2vzo3PphM_s1R-9KGoRR3OZ-

This is roughly what this place sounds like. Hear the chirping of the birds?

It goes on althroughout the audioclips.

Here’s another one:

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1T13vHjadNi3SU27455cqnbLdIgBAMOVJ

Tristan's all grown up now!

He's grown so much!

I like the nights here. So much.

That’s Karu’s dad standing behind Karu’s sitting mom, watching her favorite volleyball games. You can see her cheek reflects a lot of the blue from the screen.

This one’s Karu’s eight-year-old youngest sister who has bad social anxiety (too smart for her own good) and the second-born little brother who has the personality of a young father (all thanks to the mom who influenced him much, since Karu left home before too, and so all the nagging fell onto this little brother).

2018-11-01 18:05 Philippines Thursday

Here’s the famous home-made salted egg plus tomatoes combo.

The cat that stands by (or should I say, naps by?) the familiar sari-sari store (small local retail store) to rest, which a teenage customer accidentally scared off.

It snuggled next to me when I leaned down, aww. (That’s my butt next to it)

Karu prefers to walk barefoot. Hahaha

2018-11-01 20:30 Philippines Thursday

[inhalareexhalare]

Memento mori. 

Nynaeve recommended this before, and I loved it and am remembering.

It suddenly started raining.

Karu also said,

"I think I'm gonna be a terrible dad"

Out of nowhere.

We'd just been talking about his gig today about half an hour ago.

I feel a bit down that I can't seem to find the motivation to keep my work space organized, but I think that's because I put it down too much in my priority list. Dr. Seth told me to take one day off of work, to do housekeeping duties, to express how important it is to her.

Awesome.

From Karu:

Wala lang. I remember Aang being a terrible dad [It's nothing. I remember Aang being a terrible dad]

Aang was a terrible dad according to the old airbender guy from Legend of Korra

Apparently it was Katara that took care of the children cause Aang was busy being the Avatar

Kinda like how Naruto is busy being Hokage

Aang's airbender kid was also obviously favored over the non bender and the waterbender

To Karu:

Hahahahaha I see I see

We won't know until we get there, and we'll never know if we don't keep trying :)

God gave man a partner for a reason, so don't start thinking you're on your own

Outside family, there's also a reason why we're a team, remember? :) No man is an island, and no man is big enough to carry out a vision

I am technically your secretary, so don't hesitate to call for me. In fact, I'd love to help

We're still a small ship of a small crew in such a big sea, so of course it's gonna be busy

The burden gets lighter as more pillars are added, and as these pillars are slowly built with strength over time

...we teach the youth what wonders life can do :)

2018-11-07 12:00 Philippines Wednesday

BOOODLE FIIIGHT!!!!

I ATE TONS OF MEAT! Pork. Chicken. Fish!!!

I feel like I got closer with Ms. Charree.

It was the right choice to return to her side when she was left alone coincidentally. She's sociable, but also shy in many ways.

This is always a fun tradition in the Philippines hahaha! I still have a hard time eating rice with my hands though. My hands don't understand how to do it naturally.

“Privileged ignorance”

Born and bred With spoon and fed

Yes. I am one of those sheltered kids. It's one of the reasons why leaving home was particularly radical to the family tree. It seemed the natural thing to do though when words couldn't get through...

Though I think I could have tried other approaches to help them understand my thoughts. I'd never recommend leaving home abruptly.

It first assumes that you cannot trust your family. It also leaves things on a bad note.

Explorer's motto: always leave things better than when you arrived in there.

You'll have no power to fix things, but you always have the option to be kind and give love to others.

I thank God for sharing his strength and giving me courage today. I was able to smile sincerely at Dr. Seth, at Ms. Charree, at Ms. Len, Jun, Marg, and Deanne, and Cecilia—and I realized how much a tiny gesture can help lighten up someone else's day.

2018-11-07 13:00 Philippines Wednesday

Don't stop believing.

Cecilia dragged me into the Brothers' House tour with the rest of the gang. I suppose greeting them all the way to the other side at the boodle fight before returning to Ms. Charee was the right choice.

My intention to be a friend came through!

The brothers are so cool! So human. They make the most of life because they have confidence in the love of Life.

Skating, biking, childish jokes, friendships, rivalries, ambition, doubts, faith, laughter...

Being a brother, one of them said, is not about being worthy as a person, but instead about how God is worthy and all his greatness.

How very true!

To whoever’s out there:

No matter where you are in your life and no matter what position you are put into; whenever that nagging feeling comes—"do I deserve this?" remember that you ask a wrong question.

The question is always whether the cause is worth it or not. Answer that, and you'll know what to do and where to put your energy into.

We do not choose our calling, but we choose our faith and meaning.

Life always puts you where you need to be. Your sole resource is what you believe in.

Don't stop learning, don't stop growing. Be open to new ideas, but also stand up for what you believe in.

2018-11-07 14:00 Philippines Wednesday

It's funny how a person's confidence level can only either increase or decrease as the number of group mates fluctuate.

For me, my leadership instincts work better in small numbers. Big crowds tend to overstimulate me and I go quiet to reserve energy.

The commonality among everyone, I think, is that the extent that individuality is compromised is positively correlated to the number of people (that is part of the group) present.

2018-11-07 14:28 Philippines Wednesday

Don't you get it? The anomaly is us—the consciousness, the ego; entities aren't supposed to think about themselves.

Organisms act according to their survival and self-interest, but they think about and react to outside threats (or opportunities) and predators (or friends). They don't flee (or fight) thinking, "how do I defend myself?"

Rather, they think, "how do I survive from this predator?"

Get it? The focus is on the foreign object.

The same way we flail even after hours of practice just because we become overly conscious of how to do things instead of focusing on the goal which would have naturally assisted us in accomplishing it (since we already did practice and it should all have been muscle memory).

We are minor creatures, swayed and small-mindedly occupied with our shadows. No different from a cat that is enamored by a mere laser point.

This thought occurred out of nowhere. But I remember a video that can show you stuff about performance anxiety:

Still, studying the self has shown exactly how studying the self made us ineffective. Pop quiz. Do you call this a paradox, or an irony?

I rather think it's more of an irony.

2018-11-07 19:00 Philippines Wednesday

Mah keyss.

The girly not-key looks so girly and so unlike me that I like it. It says "Open your mind!" on the tiny pink heart of it.

I think this was an excess Christmas gift when I was in late elementary school days or high school and it used to be a keychain, not a key, but look what I did to it haha

I really like how Ms. Siomai smiles back at me sweetly when I greet her and when I thank them for the meal with my own smiles.

I know she's just being polite, but she seems like she can be an easy-to-talk-to friend.

God always provides enough for his people.

Thank you for this meal.

2018-11-07 20:00 Philippines Wednesday

Peak Meeting adjourned!

Exciting big quests.

“Calm Spell”

I feel sad for some reason, almost to tears But this ain't nothing And it sure as hell ain't everything.

Keep your cool. It's okay. Take it slow.

Focus.

Yana's soul is fuzzy. Like, cozy fuzzy.

She

Tries to reach out to me. In bits, in chewable pieces.

I can feel Her.

Karu and I are out to get the second half of our dinner.

We finally established at tonight's Peak meeting the curfew—23:00. Thank God. Thank you, Ira and Moira.

I don't usually draw that way by the way. I am pretty flexible with art style. The problem? I'm no practitioner. I'm just an on-and-off hobbyist. I'm not even sure I'd count it as a hobby anymore. I used to draw a lot, but then I realized my true love was words.

2018-11-08 00:32 Philippines Thursday

I cried. 

A lot. From about 01:00 to 02:38.

I didn't know whether I'd write about this or not, since it's pretty much an inconvenient coincidence that caused it, but here I am.

After the meeting, Karu and I walked outside to get food, right? While walking with him, I wrote that previous entry above this.

Karu had lots of ideas and stories. He cut himself off at least twice, saying instead that I should finish my entry first since I lose my ideas pretty fast when another thing catches my interest.

Turns out he's the same. Walking together, I kind of sensed his slight frustration. But I didn't make room to dive that thought because I wasn't done finishing my thoughts for the entry yet.

We reach stoplight after stoplight, and he suggests that we can get food from a carinderia (small eatery) instead. Cheaper, healthier.

But I still wasn't done analyzing my thoughts for the entry. I kept typing and told him I leave it up to him, and that I'm good with whatever.

Then I noticed we were heading towards the convenience store instead. Only then was I done with the entry. He got my full attention.

We look at sandwiches. They seemed the best option in there.

But we only got 70 pesos. A sandwich that was even worth our time is at least 39 pesos.

I kept suggesting to him that I can go walk back to the house to get more money and he can wait in the store since I knew how much he disliked the action of going back and forth for such trivial things (even things that matter to him).

But he kept saying that my suggestion made no sense. That we had enough.

That confused me. I tried suggesting the 30-peso hotdog sandwiches. Then he said he didn't feel like eating anymore.

He entrusted the money to me and so I walked inside the convenience store while he remained outside and sat on the sidewalk.

I tried to assess the situation, and I thought maybe he liked the 39-peso sandwiches better than hotdogs, but he didn't want to make me have to resort to a hotdog sandwich just to fit the budget.

So that's exactly what I did. Maybe he'd like the sandwich. He didn't feel like eating anymore but we both knew he needed it.

And we head back home and as expected the first thing he did was light up a cigarette at the dirty kitchen.

It was quick, so I could tell he didn't want to be around people. Job, Ira, and Zenith were around.

Entering our room that I occupied was the lesser evil.

After taking our bites, he finally shared why he's so pissed.

He made his own logical assessment of his emotions.

"You are annoying sometimes."

Firstly, he said, he forgot the ideas he wanted to tell me about. Secondly, for some reason he also wanted me to make our decision as he gave suggestions on where to eat. Lastly, he really just wanted to have the time with me to walk and talk to each other.

This was the first time anything like it happened so I was deeply affected. He left the room for water and I took the chance to cry by establishing the threshold: the point where the tears are about to overflow. I wouldn't let it, and distracted myself with other thoughts until I got my neutral face back and cried silently until I reached the threshold again.

He got back, lied down, and we turned the lights off.

When I couldn't restrain my now willingly hidden tears, I turned my back against him and lied on my left side.

My tears overflowed, dying to spill everything. Everything. I did it all silently. I cried hot tears soundlessly.

He clicked his tongue, as he always did when he got pissed. Either it's because he thought I was just leaving things unfinished and going straight to sleep, or his musician ears caught the irregular breathing of my tear-soaked lungs (figuratively). (Fuck musicians.) After a minute maybe, he apologized for "getting pissed."

I wanted to say that it wasn't something he should apologize to me about, but I couldn't say a word. I knew my voice would betray my tears.

I cried some more in the quiet and then finally got the leaning-positive shade of my personality back when I was satisfied with crying my shit out. I lied down on my right this time, facing him.

I asked if he needed the blanket that was accidentally on his pillow, and he gestured a yes by lifting his head. I had a bit of trouble unfolding it, since it was in a messy fold, and was surprised that he helped me.

His hand traveled under the sheets and took my left leg so it was laying over his, as he usually did to show affection. I couldn't muster the balls to hug him as I usually did to return his affection and he sensed it, taking my left hand to let it rest on his left shoulder.

He asked me what was making me feel bad, since according to his understanding of the situation, no one was to blame. It's not wrong to want to write my journal entries. It's not wrong to want to walk and talk with your wife.

After multiple hesitations and anxiety over his patience (he repeatedly asked me what's up with such gentleness), I finally said that it's because I vowed to be a wife and a partner. But all I am is a failure. He touched my face and confirmed my tears.

It's good that I got to deal with the self-obsession somehow, as I realized halfway how my thoughts are beginning to be overly critical and close-mindedly inward. Still, I felt sad.

I felt too guilty to get over this emotionally-perceived mistake.

He said I have more "successes" than "failures," the complete opposite of him. He asked me to mount him (nothing sexual, although it did come to that later when I promoted it HAHA) so I could hug him more naturally.

I wanted to tell him he's wrong, but all I could do was shake my head to our darkness-adjusted eyes, because my voice kept breaking. I'm bad with crying.

He comforted me, saying he couldn't stay mad at me even if he wanted to, unlike his signature temper.

We basically ended on a kind note, but I still think we didn't end with the good we could have. We ended good in a way, but we still have obsessive dwellings on our respective egos. He still thinks he's a bad husband most of the time, and I still think I'm a bad wife most of the time.

We must find a way to get out of this rut. Replace the mode of thinking. It doesn't help anyone.

Also, as a note, Karu didn't know exactly how we got there either. To that conflict. We're usually more flexible than that. I'm just realized after the fact last "night" that he just came from a gig.

That could actually make sense, but I'm not ready to conclude yet.