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mytherapistthinksimfunny · 5 years ago

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The Endless Thirst of Grace Michaud

It’s almost 11 pm, and in the four hours that I have been home from work, I’ve been reading articles about Adam Driver. Alone in my apartment, I snort to myself as I read The Cut’s “I Want to Be Adam Driver’s Baby” and “21 Things I Would Like to Do With Adam Driver” which I relate to a little too well. I, too, want to “peruse real-estate listings” with Adam Driver.

In my nearly 26 years of living, Adam Driver is this month’s Grace Michaud’s “It Boy.” Last month it was Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Next month? Who knows, but Henry Cavill is looking mighty fine in The Witcher.

For anyone who has ever known me, this causes little concern. To everyone joining the Grace Michaud journey: welcome. You are about to experience an everyday occurrence.

New friends, or people who only interact with me via social media: I suffer from being infinitely thirsty. My thirst can never be quenched. Usually the thirst comes at a normal level, like any thirst, and starts out as a simple tickle in the throat. If offered a drink I wouldn’t say no. But I don’t actively do anything about it. I could go for a drink, but I’m not about to get up and get one. Then the thought becomes nagging, that maybe I really should get up and get a drink right now. I’ll crave water, a simple free drink that comes from the tap. Soon my thirst becomes more distinct. I’m craving an Arnold Palmer and I need that Arnold Palmer now. I drink and drink and still I’m thirsty, drinking like I’m in the desert, about to die unless I drink the world’s entire water supply right now.

I am, of course, not talking about liquids. I’m talking about men.

An attractive male on a film or show catches my eye, and I make note. Soon I’m watching every movie they’ve ever made until I’m in a downward spiral of interviews in the trenches of YouTube and Google.

I’ve been attracted to the male species since before I could form a concrete memory. The evidence is in a video of my dad teasing me at three about a crush I have on a boy named Ricardo. Wracking my memory, the name sounds familiar, and I’m aware I had crushes when I was in preschool.

How in the world did my tiny brain comprehend the very idea of crushes? That one could feel something more than just friendship with someone? That I, a mere three-year-old just learning how to not urinate my pants, was able to identify that? I’ve dated 30-year-old men who are nowhere near that level of emotionally intelligent.

Who were you, Ricardo? Why was I fascinated with you? Was I attracted to you? Do three-year- olds recognize attraction? Where are you now Ricardo? Have you met your metaphorical Lucy?

So we begin, reader, towards an agonizing life of never-ending attraction to men. Now, I am absolutely not going to go into my dating life. That is just one long humiliating and questionable series of life decisions that even I don’t want to get into. Let’s just say, at 11, there was an entire diary entry of pictures from my yearbook of a kid named Kyle who once took a pinecone out of my hair. I shudder at the thought. And don’t get me started about junior year of high school.

I mention Ricardo to show you that my thirst for men was always there, whether I knew it or not. To me, it seems, it was just a normal feeling that was a part of me. Nothing unusual. My karate teacher was a hottie and probably why I loved going to karate. I loved men so much that I wanted to be them. I dressed in boy’s clothes, even boy’s underwear, and occasionally asked my parents to call me Michael. Now, you’re probably thinking: “Wow there is a lot to unpack here.” But this was 1997 and my parents just went along with it, not really caring as long as I went to bed when they told me to. While others may think something entirely different, I just chalk this up to being that boy crazy. I didn’t start wearing dresses until I hit puberty….but I’m already getting off topic and I don’t want this to turn into an episode of Big Mouth. Let’s try and remain focused here: I’m an obsessive person.

This is my Kindle library as of March 20, 2020:

There is a home movie of my two-year-old self pointing to my Tweedy Bird hat excitedly. “I have Tweedy Bird on my hat!” I repeat over and over with a lisp, clearly very excited I had something I loved on an item of clothing. Even then, when I loved something, I was all in.

Combine my obsessive personality with my attraction to the male species? We descend into madness, my friends. From cartoon characters, to television shows, to actors, to rock stars, to actors again. I obsess most over men I don’t personally know. Think 25 years of pictures covering walls. Merchandise. Staying up till 3 am diving into the corners of the internet for every last drop of information I could get.

And it all started with Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny was my first foray into fangirl territory. It was that episode when Bugs Bunny dressed as a Viking woman that drew me into the Bugs Bunny portal of obsession. I wasn’t attracted to Bugs Bunny in drag, necessarily; I was more fascinated by the idea of Elmer Fudd falling in love with Bugs Bunny. That Bugs was a character that could be loved romantically. I know this sounds really bizarre and heavy, but I fully believe that I was fascinated by romantic love that early in my life.

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Soon I didn’t stop talking about Bugs Bunny. I had an entire Bugs Bunny tracksuit, slippers, and a doll. There’s a picture of me in my entire ensemble while holding the doll, ecstatic. For my fourth birthday my mom made me a homemade Bugs Bunny Halloween costume. Bugs Bunny was even my imaginary friend for a bit there. I must have worn out the Space Jam VHS tape.

Note the Bugs Bunny watch.

That’s childhood obsession for you. When I loved Pokemon all I would do was talk about it and dream about it.

Then it was Digimon. In twenty six years, it hasn’t stopped. Up until December of 2019, it’s been one TV show after the other, examples being Avatar the Last Airbender, Total Drama Island, The Office, The Vampire Diaries, Supernatural, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Mr. Robot, Fleabag, Frasier, and most recently, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Harry Potter has always been a love for me, and I’ve been obsessed with two different book series: the comic books The Umbrella Academy (the show is a DISASTER compared to how good the comics are), and The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod (a book series about a vampire; as a bonus, see how many vampires you can count). A common theme for all of these things was the fact that I was attracted to a singular male character and their relationship to others.

In preparing to write this I wrote about 6 pages worth of notes, all ranging in obsession. To completely write about every single one would take a novel with each of my multiple obsessions being individual chapters. For example, during the Total Drama Island years I was constantly up till 3 am on the weekends making YouTube videos for the show. If you can find them...I’d be impressed. (But actually, please don’t.) I’ll try to provide a list and a little comment, as I split my obsessions into various categories.

At 11, I discovered the Sprouse twins and my object of desire went from cartoon characters to actors. I was known as “the Sprouse twins” girl, specifically Cole, during sixth grade. This was the first time I covered my room and locker in posters.

A year later, we jumped dramatically and came to my obsessive emo phase. While I listened to a lot of bands, my attention was turned mostly to Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy and Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. (The latter I would later meet after MCR broke up when I was about 20 years old after his solo show, and it was just as awkward as I could imagine). That’s when my room was completely covered in Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance posters. I wore a lot of black and those years were honestly my cringiest moments. Hey, we were all 13.

I started to shift more from short, skinny, guyliner-wearing men and noticing tall, muscular, and handsome ones. I can pinpoint when I started to first feel sexually attracted to a man (at an appropriate age! I was going through puberty!) when I saw the trailer for Fantastic Four, and Chris Evans came out shirtless in a towel. Oh GOD what an ICONIC moment. Goodbye Sprouse Twins, hello six packs.

The summer going into high school, I saw The Dark Knight 3 times because of Christian Bale as Batman. He walked in wearing that tight black shirt and my expectations for men from there on out would never match up to Batman. Gaston from Beauty and the Beast seemed hotter now (you all know what scene I’m talking about), That attraction became the strangest when I remarked to my friend that Ultron was pretty hot for a robot.

Maybe that’s why I love Kylo Ren so much. He’s the combination of two of my great loves: a buff emo.

The high school years followed a somewhat similar pattern, but mostly actors more so than musicians. To be fair, in high school Fall Out Boy broke up and didn’t get back together till I was in college, and My Chemical Romance only released one album in my four years. So during high school and college there weren't really any “emo” guys or musicians to lust over.

Now in 2020 I live in Brooklyn where every man and their mother is a “musician” so the whole idea turns me off. It was fun while it lasted though, and I’ll always be an emo kid at heart. I’ve seen Fall Out Boy 7 times in the last 10 years, and I paid an insane amount of money for My Chemical Romance reunion tour tickets.

High school was a time where everyone was entering a more mature phase of their puberty journey, and for me, that was lusting after men over the age of 30. I had a hella crush on Zachary Quinto (who I saw walk past me once in the Village and I almost pooped my pants) even though I knew he was gay. I went through a Freddie Mercury phase for a bit too, I mean, come on, that chest hair.

I had a few months lusting after Colin Farrell after seeing him in Fright Night (which I recently found out was written by my favorite Buffy writer! seventeen-year-old me foreshadowing the present). In The Phantom of the Opera I sided with the Phantom the entire time, wishing that I could be seduced through opera in a hidden Parisian cave. My mom introduced me to Ryan Gosling who became my dream man. While reading Great Gatsby I had a huge crush on Seth Meyers who I would imagine Nick Carraway as. He does sort of look like Toby McGuire? He was the first of many goofy men that would lead to John Mulaney, Rob Delaney, Nathan Fielder, Ben Wyatt, and Niles Crane. Chris Pratt still fits into that category, though he’s the perfect combination of goofy and buff. When The Avengers came out my senior year of high school, I saw it 4 times in the theater.

The British invasion didn’t happen until my senior year and defined my college years, with posters of Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hardy, Michael Fassbender, Eddie Redmayne, and James Norton. My feet ache thinking about the times I waited in line at a movie premiere or a film set to get a glimpse of any of these gents. When I saw Benedict Cumberbatch on set in Boston my knees gave out. Domhnall Gleeson is also in that group of fine British men despite being Irish. It’s why I always have a moral dilemma whenever General Hux comes on screen in Star Wars. Twice I had a hardcore crush on Seth MacFarlane, going to the Ted 2 set living in Boston, waving to him as he got into his car. I would meet him again 3 years later when I worked on Harry, looking like a total disaster. But he said “hi” to me which sent me to cloud 9. I once waited in a lobby of a show to meet Lee Pace even though I didn’t see the show.

All of these men at one point adorned my room, desktop background, dorm room (which was covered in posters, no wonder I rarely ever had a boy in there), and phone background. Today my phone background is the throne room scene of Rey and Kylo in The Last Jedi. Why do you think I had Tweedy Bird on my hat? I need my obsession with me at all times and I want the world to see.

(Thank God tattoos are expensive and I was too young to get them during my hardcore obsessions. Imagine if I had a giant Total Drama Island tattoo on my back? I shudder.)

While a lot of the attraction for these men was based on personality, looks, and accents, I also have a tendency to become enamoured with villains and dark characters. In 1999 I was in the movie theater seeing The Phantom Menace. Up until that point, there were virtually no children featured in Star Wars films, so when a young Anakin Skywalker graced the screen, my five-year-old heart would not stop beating. I loved him so much, I carried a Pepsi bottle with his image on it everywhere I went. I slept with it. My comfort blanket was a Pepsi bottle with a picture of a nine-year-old boy.

I had the famous Phantom Menace poster with young Anakin Skywalker with the shadow of Darth Vader behind him. I distinctly remember my dad telling me in the theater, “That’s Darth Vader as a little boy.” When I saw Return of the Jedi my favorite scene was when Luke took off Vader’s mask, because you got to see Vader’s real face for the first time. That Vader actually was a human and not a monster fascinated me to the point of obsession which, as you probably have figured out, still carries over to the sequel trilogy.

Bugs Bunny established my fanaticism, but Anakin Skywalker determined my type: men presented as villains but actually are redeemed over time. Through the years I think I’ve enjoyed getting to figure out someone. Their character is presented as one dimensional, and then even the tiniest thing that strays from that is seen as fascinating. There’s a great quote from an Adam Driver profile in the New York Times that I think encapsulates it:

“A manner so resolute that when some emotion does manage to escape - whether through a glint in his eyes or the unpredictable undulations of his voice - that transgression can’t help but take you by surprise.”

Now my therapist says that probably comes with my need to help and fix the real boys in my life. We both joked that our favorite character in A Haunting of Hill House was the drug-addicted little brother.

I think it is totally unfair, because I know that I can’t personally help them... though ok, she may be a little right.

While I enjoy “complicated” from afar, it does subconsciously fulfill the need for what I can’t do in reality, which is being someone’s reason to change. Mostly through love. Turns out, in real life, it is far less romantic to be dating someone with a lot of emotional issues! Who knew!

You decide for yourself. Here are all the fictional characters I’ve obsessed over who fit this category:

-Kylo Ren (I mean, duh)

-Prince Zuko (the original Kylo Ren)

-The Phantom of the Opera (Thank you, Leslie Knope)

-Damon from Vampire Diaries

-Hot Priest from Fleabag (ok not a villain but he’s supposed to be a holy man and you think aw he’s never gonna...AND THEN HE DOES!)

-Mr. Darcy (again not a villain but he was to Elizabeth at first!!!!)

-Duncan from Total Drama Island

-Draco Malfoy (that bleached blonde hair attraction still hasn’t gone away, oops)

-Spock in JJ Abrams’s last good movie Star Trek

-Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (oh if my heart could beat it would break my chest, how many times have I cried over that sweet platinum blonde baby?)

Look, I know this is all fictional and in no way real. None of these men exist and are all a fantasy. Hey, I watch You and am extremely creeped out by Joe! I don’t root for him! I also hope I don’t stay this way forever. I really don’t want to be a Twilight mom. I’ve calmed down in my old age, ok? I don’t wait in the cold for hours at a stage door anymore, and I go on real dates now. I’ve even had a few boyfriends in my days who were nothing like the men I lusted after nor did I even compare.

I completely agree that all these men would be horrible to date! Draco Malfoy was totally a bigot and bully. Kylo Ren killed his dad, and I have a good relationship with my dad, so I can’t really relate. And yes, Spike before he got his soul is nothing to wish for in a boyfriend, even if it was fun to watch him. Kylo Ren and Spike have killed multiple people. I’m not down to date a murderer.

One day I’ll be able to consume something I enjoy and move on after a week. Growing up, mundane suburban life was a little more interesting when you get lost in a fantasy for a while. To be focused on something other than school, work, or even your own anxieties. If anything, I think my obsessive personality towards men in particular just pushes me to look for more and to yearn for more instead of being depressed that I don’t get to live it. I don’t just settle for the first boy to like me back. I strive to one day not to marry a celebrity, a comedian, or an anthropomorphic cartoon character, but someone who makes me feel like I’m the heroine of my own show.

For now, I’ll just wait for the Phantom to spring me into his underground lair.

Taken 2 minutes before I published this.

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squaredcirclesirens · 6 years ago

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REVIEW: All In 2018

Hello dear friends! This past weekend was a huge weekend for independent wrestling, and there is no denying the success that All In 2018 was. Beyond seeing Cody Rhodes becoming the NWA Champion, The Young Bucks and Ibushi winning the main event, and even Chris Jericho making an appearance it was the women, in my opinion, who truly stole the show.

Before we get in to the All In main show, we started at All In Zero Hour with what was the “Over Budget Battle Royal” which included Jordynne Grace. The winner of this match would face Jay Lethal for the ROH World Championship.

Jordynne hits a quick low-pe suicida on Trent Baretta after he takes out Bully Ray on the floor. Jordynne is then taken down by a huge pump kick from Ethan Page. Jordynne makes her presence known again when we get down to what is presumably the final four (its actually five as Flip Gordon is still on the outside and never thrown out, but hey, we’re focused on Jordynne). And this time Jordynne is going toe to toe with Brian Cage, which is no easy feat. But Jordynne doesn’t back down, and ends up lifting Brian Cage onto her shoulders, she can’t keep him up and ends up getting thrown in the air behind Cage for her troubles and then getting a buckle bomb. Cage charges the corner but Jordynne ducks and raises Cage up on the ropes and takes him down with a huge running corner powerbomb and the crowd pops! Jordynne then charges Cage as he rises and clotheslines him over the top for the elimination! The crowd goes crazy. Bully Ray stands behind Jordynne after the elimination. Jordynne then turns behind to Bully Ray who seems to get ready to chop Jordynne Grace but ends up raking her eyes. Jordynne fights him off as they fight on the top rope and along with Colt Cabana hits a diving headbutt to the Groin region of Bully Ray. Jordynne goes to try and Eliminate Bully but he turns it and eliminates Grace.

Even though she doesn’t win the Battle Royal, Jordynne truly shined making it to the final four, and if you haven’t seen the Gif of Jordynne powerbombing Brian Cage, it’s on Twitter, promise.

Before we get to the big fatal four way, shout out also to Brandi Rhodes, who made her presence felt in the NWA Title Match. She ran in the ring as Nick Aldis went for a top rope elbow and protected Cody, taking the huge elbow drop to the back as Aldis looked to try and finish off Cody. The crowd instantly booing Aldis. She later comes back in the ring to celebrate with Cody as he wins the NWA World Title

Brandi clearly shines in big spots and this was a big moment. The crowd, clearly behind Cody, was also behind Brandi and this was quite the spot to take!

We also get to see Penelope Ford who gets involved (and shines) in the Chicago Street Fight of Adam Page vs Joey Janela. During the match, Penelope enters to ring standing toe to toe with Adam Page. Page tries to clothesline her but she bends backward matrix style as Page misses. He tries again, but Penelope does the same matrix evasion and when Page turns around Penelope nails a huge stunner to Page who roles out of the ring. But Penelope isn’t done. She climbs to the top and dives down with a huge cross body to Page on the floor as the crowd pops! Penelope yells out to the crowd before hitting some hard shots on Page and putting him on the table so Janela can hit an elbow off the top through the table.

Penelope Ford is a star, whether she is with Janela, on her own, or in any kind of tag match, the crowd gets behind her and rightfully so! Penelope is blowing up to be a big star and a spot she rightfully deserves.

But that lead us to our big women’s match of the show. Chelsea Green vs (Doctor) Britt Baker vs Tessa Blanchard vs Madison Rayne. First of all, lets talk about them getting 12 minutes of actual wrestling. My goodness, and did these women deliver. To give you the entire play by play would be far too long, so please, go watch it. But a few highlights for you:

Right from the beginning, characters truly shined as Madison Rayne offered handshakes to everyone. Chelsea Green, who is half hot mess, LVN style, and half Chelsea Green we typically see, is already brilliant as the “nice side” tries to shake Madison’s hand but the “hot mess” side fights it. After eventually shaking Madison’s hand, Madison goes to shake Tessa’s hand but is met with a forearm kicking off the match showing Tessa isn’t anything to mess with.

Britt and Chelsea primarily start the match as Madison and Tessa fight on the outside and these two work so well together. Chelsea continues the character as she walks the rope and flaunts to the crowd before coming down with a huge arm drag to a huge crowd reaction.

Tessa is back in shortly after with Madison and lifts Madison in a huge gorilla press before sending her over the top onto Chelsea and Britt on the floor. Chelsea rushes back in and nails a beautiful tope suicida and Madison tops it off with a huge diving cross body to all the competitors on the floor.

The match continues with beautiful sequences and near falls that all of the women get and honestly what makes this match even more beautiful is you honestly don’t know who is going to win, but you know that all of them have had the opportunity. This includes a beautiful sequence of a curbstomp and unprettier from Chelsea to Madison that is followed up with a superkick from Britt to Chelsea who is then caught by a magnum from Tessa Blanchard who then gets caught with a superkick from Britt. I honestly thought that was it, but Chelsea kicks out of Britt’s pin attempt.

After a beautiful crucifix bomb from Madison to Tessa, an unprettier from Chelsea to Britt and a huge diving cutter from Madison to Tessa on the top then a huge canadian destroyer from Chelsea to Tessa, these women rightfully get the “This is Awesome” chant. In the end, it is Madison with a Hammerlock DDT to Madison Rayne to get the pinfall and pick up a huge victory.

A couple of huge takeaways: 1) I didn’t watch All In live. But watching all of this back, I almost wish I would have. The women on this show truly delivered, even if they weren’t official competitors in the matches. Jordynne, Penelope and Brandi all had shining moments that people are still talking about on Twitter and deserve all of that success.

2) This may have been the best four way match I have ever seen. I was a huge fan of the TakeOver Four way between the four hoursewomen, but this was a whole new level. The transitions in this match were seamless, and made sense. Sometimes in multi-women matches you see someone awkwardly leaving the ring or waiting on the outside as others battle in the ring, but these women were impeccable in having a great multi-woman match that flowed so well and was truly captivating the entire time.

3) When you give them this space, the women will deliver. Jordynne having that big moment with Brian Cage was incredible. Penelope getting the offense on Adam Page was exciting and showed her true star potential. Brandi taking the hit for Cody brought an incredible story to a match that already had a great story. And the four women in the four way truly laid it all on the line from the countless dives and huge spots that you don’t get to see often, and they all did it perfectly.

4) The four way competitors showed that you can have a four way match where all of the women are viable contenders and truly can give you a huge match feel as well as allowing their characters to shine! Britt looked incredible, and has such a fast paced and fun offense that you just have to get behind her. Madison showed why she is that in-ring vet but still continues to evolve in a way where she shines and continues to make herself such a credible threat in everything she does. Tessa Blanchard truly impressed with her true all around offense, from the military press to the magnum, you don’t know how Tessa will strike, but you know she will do it, and it will be incredible and effective. Chelsea Green is a star. I simply have no other way to write it. From the incredible offense that is quick, effective, and show-stopping, on top of an incredible character, no wonder the crowd was behind her.

All in All (pun intended), All in was a great showcase of wrestling especially for the women who were given incredible opportunities and truly capitalized. If you haven’t seen all in yet, you should. Jordynne, Penelope and Brandi all showed that they have true star potential. Tessa, Chelsea, Madison, and Britt put on one of, if not my favorite match of the year and each have an incredible talent that is always worth watching.

You can watch a replay of All In on Fite TV

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#ALL IN #Brandi Rhodes #Britt Baker #Cheslea Green #Jordynne Grace #Madison Rayne #Penelope Ford #Tessa Blanchard #Indies

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