#chosen found out that most people celebrate birthdays and was like 'SHIT WHAT DO KIDS LIKE. PLUSHIES?'

[i3utterflyeffect]

anyway i've talked abt selkie!SC's cursor plushie alan made for zhim before but i've decided the eel plushie is from chosen <3

[zoopzopp]

a list of some ~angsty~ izuku-centric fics

He Was Quirkless by PruneyWitch - Midoriya get's sick of discrimination against the quirkless and decides to do something about it. It leads to some interesting situations. A trilogy.

survival instinct by carolinaa - Izuku's always had the vague feeling that trusting people is more trouble than it's worth. A villain's quirk makes him realize how painful trust can be, too.

every memory is a drop in the ocean by wastefulreverie - Izuku's memory was heavy. It felt like he'd been asleep for a very long time even though he was fairly certain that he'd just met All Might on a rooftop. They said that he was a student at UA High School and that he'd been hit with a memory erasure quirk, but that couldn't be right? Izuku was quirkless. Even All Might said he'd never be a hero.

invitation by achievingelysium - He didn’t like birthdays. He didn’t like celebrating birthdays, because no one cared about Izuku’s birthday, about the stupid, Quirkless kid of Aldera— Izuku kicked at his desk. Stared at the edge of it blankly for a moment. Sixteen. He’d made it to sixteen. Izuku thinks he'll celebrate his birthday alone. His friends disagree. (this ones angsty but also sweet and fluffy)

(paid for it) with all of my blood by theshoutingslytherin - As it turns out, Midoriya has more in common with him than Hitoshi ever realized.

things my heart used to know by aloneintherain - The first time Izuku remembers meeting Shouto, he’s fourteen years old and immediately smitten. (AU where Izuku keeps getting killed during their first year at UA—so Shouto keeps travelling back in time to save him.)

absolution by Argentina - In which there are always two sides to the same story, and as Shouta delves further into Midoriya and Bakugou's middle school years, he discovers that they're both victims of a broken society.

hold your heart fast by achievingelysium - In the aftermath of a villain fight, Izuku can't understand why Eri seems so scared of him. Or Aizawa-sensei, one of the people he trusts most.

But Who Saves You? by poe_tate_toe - The room was silent. The only sound was Izuku’s cries, the boy still writhing around in his arms that made Shouta’s heart break and heartbreakshatter. “Get out.” Shouta demanded, eyes still trained on All Might, voice filled with hatred and contempt. “Now.”

a lesson you should heed (try, try again) by aloneintherain - Izuku doesn't know why the day keeps resetting. He doesn't know why he's trapped on campus, or why there's no phone reception, or why Aizawa and Shinsou keep losing their memories of the Saturdays they've already lived, while Izuku remains constantly, painfully aware. But he does know this: Aizawa and Shinsou keep dying, over and over again, in more brutal and creative ways. And it's his job to save them.

All Fun And Games Until I Actually Die by SpeedingCheetah - Izuku Midoriya would do nearly anything to reach the goals he had. He’d take risks and make bargains with those who he thought he would have never chosen to work with; He’d even die. He’d joke around and make himself feel better by resetting from the misery he experienced each night on patrol, each hour when his thoughts turned bitter and hateful. But such actions couldn’t be used forever. After all, it was only all fun and games until he actually died. And when Izuku told someone this, he wasn’t too sure as to what he was thinking.

Never understand ( and you can't ) by deliha__bells - " I was four when someone first used their quirk on me." Midoriya is sick and tried of his classmates bias and prejudice against the quirkless community and finally breaks

a penny for your thoughts by cassiopeia721 - While visiting Eri at the hospital following her rescue from the Shie Hassaikai, Izuku and Aizawa-sensei both run into a nurse with a telepathy based quirk, and Izuku finds himself in a telepathic bond with his teacher. This is... somewhat worrying, considering how many secrets Izuku needs to keep.

For the greater good by rabiddog (orphan_account) - "Somebody needs to stay behind." "Don't worry, Kacchan! I'll be fine. Just make sure everyone gets out safely, okay?"

Live For Everything, Die For Everyone by Eurybia773 - Midoriya Izuku is kidnapped and Class 1-A goes to hell and back to keep him safe

The World Without Me by BeyondTheClouds777 - When Izuku dies, he realizes he’s not as Quirkless as he thought. He does indeed have a Quirk, one called “Second Chance” that gives him another chance at life after death. But the Quirk comes with an odd side-effect: he gets to see what the rest of the world is like without him first.

Lives of Future Past by HeartQuirk - An alternative take on de-ageing/swap quirks: Veteran Pro Hero Deku gets swapped into his own past, while his teenage self must navigate an uncertain and mysterious future.

Forgive, Not Forget by orphan_account - He stared out into the night, watching cars pass and stars twinkle. I never told him that I was sorry. Shit. How the hell could he have never thought to apologize? Bakugou had ostracized Deku from their friends, bullied, and tormented him all the way through middle school, to the point where Deku would cringe and cower whenever Bakugou glanced his way. His skin crawled as he remembered. Had he really done all of that? He was so full of shit, and now Deku was somewhere, bleeding out on a hospital bed because of Bakugou’s stupidity and he would never know that Bakugou was so, so, infinitely sorry.

You Never Asked by jongdaethedinosaur - aka: Izuku's smart enough to give Nedzu a headache, the League of Villains aren't all that bad, and Aizawa is trying his best

Heights by Gabberwocky - Or: 5 Times Katsuki Found Izuku on Rooftops and 1 Time Izuku Found Katsuki.

Reverse To Go Forwards by Otaku6337 - A certain Problem Child gets caught up in a Quirk manifestation and collapses in class. But when he wakes up, things aren't quite adding up. And why is he so skittish of everything, Bakugou in particular?

P.S. If he asks, tell Kacchan it's not his fault by JessenoSabaku - When Kacchan tells Midoriya to go kill himself in primary school, he takes it seriously. Not enough to actually kill himself, but he does try his hand at writing a note. Years later, he finds the note again, and he keeps it. For some reason, reading it makes him feel better when nights on patrol get rough. And then, one night, Kacchan finds it by accident.

i cant think of anymore rn but!! I'll update this soon!!!!

[goose-books]

goose-books productions: a 2020 review

view the image in higher quality here! (open the image in a new tab to zoom in.) thank you to my dearest @yvesdot for the template

transcripts and month-by-month details under the cut! for reference, you can find my projects here :-) overall, new and old followers, thank you for another good year over here! [holds your hand] [holds your hand] [holds your hand] [holds your h

january

i spent late 2019-early 2020 working on 2019’s nano project, quark, aka the speculative fiction thing about new york city and prophets and dissections of the chosen one trope and gay people. quark is my second-oldest project (five years!), but it’s also probably the most ambitious, so it’s been... difficult to wrangle into place, and i didn’t end up finishing a first draft. oh, well.

enjoy a snippet that is devastatingly emblematic of everything about quark. the tone. the homoerotic tension. the ensemble cast all talking over each other. the fact that caelum has spent pretty much this entire scene crying. fun autopsy report meeting.

Marble stares at the notebook in Shade’s hands. Or maybe he’s staring at Shade’s hands. Dawn feels a little voyeuristic, so she does what she does and says a dumb and unrelated thing: “Augustus, I think this pizza-on-the-floor thing is hurting my ass.”

Augustus flutters his hands. “Sometimes nonconformity is painful.”

“At least we’re originals,” Caelum mumbles into his sleeve.

“Exactly,” Augustus says.

“True originality doesn’t exist,” Marble says.

“Oh,” Shade deadpans, “it’s going to be a fun autopsy report meeting.”

It isn’t.

february

in january i stressed myself out trying to make the plot of quark work. so in february, i decided to take some time and write something Entirely For Fun. like, entirely for fun, no rules. and. my god. how do i explain the project i started calling “third eye for the bad guy.”

it was an unholy mashup of many of my past hyperfixations, including the gone series, a tale of two cities, warrior cats, and the left hand of darkness. one of the characters was a canon scalie and one was a canon fictionkinnie. it centered around a polycule of wannabe-evil-overlord high schoolers. i only wrote like three chapters but i was lost in the sauce for all of february and then i just… like… wiped it from my mind and moved on? somehow??? one character was a werewolf and that literally wasn’t relevant at ALL

I.

Someone was going to die on these steps.

This had been Ivy Lee Palomo’s thought last year during the all-school photo, and it rose in her mind again now. The one hundred marble stairs leading up to the great double doors of Saint Constantine Academy were the school’s pride and glory, steep as the mountain, sharp as the blade under Ivy Lee’s skirt. With the cutting wind and snow glazing the stone more often than not, with the freshmen wild and wired on their first day of their first year, it was really only a matter of time before someone slipped and cracked their fucking head open.

It wasn’t going to be her. Not when she had Doc Martens and reflexes like an electric coil. Still. Ivy Lee didn’t want to watch someone die. She didn’t get along with dead people.

march

in march, i got back to the project i’d started in 2019 - AMT, my podcast! it’s a shakespeare retelling set in a modern high school; this excerpt is funnier and also more unnerving in context. (double, double, toil and trouble...)

INDRAJIT: What the hell are you doing?

[PAUSE.]

DEE (like she’s lying): Making pasta.

[ALL THREE OF THEM LAUGH.]

NONA: That’s right.

MORA: We have the keys to Mab’s office.

DEE: We’re using her stove.

NONA: To make pasta.

DEE: Do you want some?

[A TENSE PAUSE.]

INDRAJIT: No.

april

and darkling rears its head! all of my other projects have existed for at least a year; darkling (specfic king lear retelling) is... special. it was conceived in april, when i started hyperfixating on king lear, and i still managed to write an absolutely ridiculous amount of content for it. it was like the power of hyperfixation let me speedrun the entire process. which. okay.

iv: control

They say Cressida Stayer was nine years old when she turned her hair to gold. They laid her down in bed blonde, and the next morning, the waves cascading down her shoulders were solid metal, glinting harshly in the sunlight, weighing her down, creating that odd head-cocked expression she still wears now. Nine years old. Two or three years before most people develop enough magic skills to dye a single curl. Much less transfigure their hair into precious metal.

People also say Leovald Stayer’s immediate reaction was to hack it off her head and melt it down for cash. But generally they say that part a lot quieter.

may

in may i wrote AMT episode 15, by which i mean that in may there was a day when i sat in my room with the door shut for literally five straight hours listening to the same three songs on loop as i wrote the climax of one of the plotlines of AMT. so. that sure was… a day.

ISAAC: Do you want… do you want someone to drive you home? Hawk, you’re worrying me -

HAWK (almost cutting him off): Don’t. Don’t say that. I’m here to help. With your… thing.

ISAAC (quietly): I… don’t know if you should be here to see this.

HAWK (a little louder, more audibly upset): Well - what else am I going to do? Go home and - and have my dads talk at me and - and not be able to answer them? Because I can’t? I can’t. I don’t know what to say.

[PAUSE.]

ISAAC (V.O.): I wonder if this is what he feels like, on the outside, looking in at me. Watching someone else hurting. Helpless and afraid.

He still fits perfectly in my arms. I rest my chin on top of his head and pull him close to me, like I can stop him from shaking, like I can stop anything from happening the way I know it’s going to. I bury my face in his hair. He smells so familiar. He’s so warm.

God, Hawk. I love you so much. You shouldn’t be here to see this. Something bad’s gonna happen. And you’re not the kind of person who belongs in a tragedy.

june

okay, honestly, i should talk about “night shift” here, because in june i wrote a whole short story in one night (and then foamed over it for a week), but i am still in the process of submitting it places! so i am terrified to put even a sentence of it online. instead: the other thing i did this month was to finish AMT! (sixteen episodes and somewhere around 175k, iirc, but don’t quote me.) these lines are the opener to the final episode!

RAHMA (V.O.): The combined series of sophomore year disasters stretched through November. It’s June now. It’s taken me… a long time to get this all put together. I was going to make a vlog about it, initially - well, calling it a vlog sounds frivolous. I was going to make a video recounting the whole deal. All of it. From when I kissed Avery Fairchilde to the very last night. I scripted dozens of drafts; I put together dozens of bullet-pointed lists of what to cover… and it was never enough. Because Avery and I weren’t the only ones involved. Even if I was only focused on the two of us, it wasn’t just the two of us.

So… I gathered up everyone else. The whole town of Ellisburg is still talking about the week the town went crazy, but it wasn’t just a week. There was a lot leading up to it. And I think if anyone’s going to talk about it, it should be us. The people who lived it. So here we are. The most ambitious Rahma Ashiq production of all time - at least so far.

july

every july i pause whatever else i’m doing to celebrate the birthday of aurum & argentate, twins from my oldest and dearest WIP The Mortal Realm. july fifteenth! mark your calendars. they’re princes, though argentate would really rather not be; you can read the full birthday piece here.

“Do you… plan to get dressed?” A bit of the usual humor crept back into Aurum’s voice. “Although if you want to speak to the kingdom in your underthings, by all means, you have my full support.”

Argentate scrubbed at his face. He wasn’t dressed, no, but the usual malaise hung over his shoulders like a cloak. Guilt. Nerves. The sick sense that he hadn’t done something he was supposed to. The numb knowledge that it was too late to change a thing.

“I meant to,” he said. “Get dressed, I mean.” The rest went unsaid: I have just been sitting here. On the floor. Thinking about how I should get dressed.

“Ah,” Aurum said, extending his hand. “The traditional route. We’ll save the nude speeches for the future, then.”

Argentate took his hand, stumbling a little as Aurum pulled him to his feet. He steadied himself on the closest wall, taking a few deep breaths. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. His hands found their way to the cross, again and again.

august

this summer, i wrote an entire draft of Valentine Van Velt is Dead, AKA “holden caulfield goes to exposure therapy,” AKA the weird little personal side project i keep tucked into my coat. interesting features include second-person narration from a narrator who doesn’t like the main character all that much. so reading it is kind of like the book wants to kill you? with an added dash of general melancholy.

You used to live here. That’s the thing that’s got you feeling so off.

You didn’t recognize your old house. I mean, you kind of did. You remembered that the road was on a hill. That hill felt like a goddamn forty-five degree angle when you were a kid. But if you didn’t have the address written down you wouldn’t have known it at all. It would have been just another little suburban house in rows of perfect little towns that make your skin crawl.

So now you’re in this diner looking out a gross smudgy window trying to block out the elevator music pumping through the speakers in the ceiling or whatever. I don’t know how speakers work. You’re trying to tune that shit out. The waitress comes over and catches you by surprise so you just point at some coffee thing on the menu so she’ll go away. For the record: you don’t drink coffee.

There’s a public library across the street. A little square building. You probably used to go there. The lady comes over and thunks your coffee on the table and gives you a kind of look, like she wants to know what in the goddamn hell you think you’re doing here and not at school. You sip your coffee and look out the window until she leaves you alone again. And then you spit it back into the cup because, for the record: you don’t drink coffee.

september

i spent september and october prepping for nano, so i was mostly working on darkling...

It’s late spring; still, at this time of night, on a rooftop, there’s a chill. The wind plays with the end of Ruby’s coat, with her hair. She hands the bottle off to Jasper, stares up at the fogged-over sky, wishes she were lying in Dany’s arms in Dany’s bed instead of here. Wishes, even, that Dany were the one on the roof with her. At least then they’d be cold together. At least then she wouldn’t have to imagine what Dany would say; she could just listen, and watch Dany’s flashing smile and her flinty eyes.

(She cuddles. This is another thing Dany does that Dany probably shouldn’t do, based on everything about Dany; it’s not like rattlesnakes cuddle. But Dany likes to nuzzle into Ruby’s side and rest her head on Ruby’s collarbones and toss an arm over Ruby’s chest, and hold her down like she’s worried she’ll float off somewhere. She’ll card her fingers through Ruby’s hair and hum. Even though they could get caught, even though she’s probably got better places to be - Dany cuddles.)

Ruby imagines it, momentarily, both of them on the roof together, sprawled like horrifyingly beautiful gargoyles, sharp teeth flashing, blood running hot. Up here - it’d be like they ruled the world.

But whatever. Jasper’s fun. He’s hot. He’s got a sharp tongue in a lot more ways than one. And she likes when he lets the mask down. She likes seeing the soft bits underneath. She wants to sink her teeth and nails into them so hard she draws blood. Masks don’t bleed. Ruby would know; that’s why she is what she is.

october

...though i was also in creative writing class in school, and thus ended up writing a bunch of poems of varying quality (my teacher had a real thing for poetry) and also one darklingverse short story where rory and cressida hold hands! which you can find here.

Lorelai Rory Flowers is afraid of thunder.

This is a bit of an embarrassing thing to admit, as they’re seventeen (“at least seventeen,” they like to tell people, “maybe two hundred, who’s to say?”) and generally wise beyond their years, or whatever it is that adults say about kids with too much psychological baggage. Being afraid of thunder is not a very wise-beyond-one’s-years trait. And yet the state of affairs remains: loud noises make Rory want to melt into the earth. Back when they still went to school, even the fire alarm sent them scuttling under their desk to hide.

Right now, in the elevator, all they can do is shrink into their sweater.

They haven’t let go of Cressida’s hand yet.

november

and then november of course was nano which was an adventure all the way through. (opening tumblr on the fifth day of nano to find out about d*stiel... was something.)

“Apologize to me. Or get out of my house.”

Gracen’s voice is very, very low. For a moment she thinks he hasn’t heard her at all. Then he spins, eyes blazing. “What did you say?”

Gracen watches her own chest heave. She pushes herself up off the desk, stands with the effort of pushing a mountain off of her back. Leovald is six-foot-four. Gracen is six-foot-two. In her heels, in the heels she must wear to be a professional woman, to be a lady - they are the same height.

Gracen wipes her nose. When she lowers her arm, there’s a streak of blood across the back of her hand. Fire shivers in her chest; her heart rings in her ears; her voice could cut steel.

“I said,” she says, low, slow, volume building, “apologize to me. Or get. Out. Of. My. House.”

december

and finally, the poem i posted this year! it’s called the beast sonnet, and you can find it in its own post over here (with commentary! how sexy.)

i kill the beast and drop down to my knees, my blade stained dark with blood of stygian hue, and for a moment these scarred hands shake free, and hold a world unfurled for me anew. but once-mourned victims, victors, vices find; fear winged me; now its absence strips me bare. my sword now dulls, my legs, my voice, my mind; the beast, pried from my throat, leaves no skill there. and still i hear it laugh, O DEVOTEE— O CHILD DEAR, NO GLORY WITHOUT ME.

i was quite productive this year; i have to think it was because i was avoiding things... the peak of my productivity happened over the summer and in november, AKA, college app hell. (almost done with the last applications! pray for me.)

a general breakdown of what occupied me this year:

(no, i don’t know why the “various other things” category ended up so large... i blame all the one-off projects i wrote a single page for, and also whatever the fuck happened in february. yes, i do know why it looks hideous; it’s because each of my WIPs has a theme color

thank you once again for spending some time at goose-books dot gov this year! what to expect for next year: well, i very much hope i can produce AMT... also hoping to get darkling ready for beta readers, so keep your eyes out!

[mechmech]

Ok so I know this is like my first post but I’ve been working on it cause a friend did it for their dnd character and I was like this could be fun and give people some insight. Questions wandered as Mecha 1-100

Smell like: oil, sweat, and more recently baby spit-up

Voice: Not many people will understand this fem-V from cyberpunk. Sorta gravely

Motivator: Research mostly. Finding out new things and applying them. More recently though her kid and making a better world for them.

Most embarrassing memory: She doesn’t like to share this story, but when she was younger and moved around with her sister mecha, she was afraid to GO in the woods because she accidentally wandered onto a farmer’s land and was caught pantsless.

How do they react to pain: “ You wanna hit me go ahead, just stay away from the hands and eyes” She can deal with a great deal of physical pain but when it comes to emotions and others she is like a mage named Corren

Wear: Normally throughout the day, she wears her metal armor. Outside of her armor, she wears a simple black dress when relaxing, a work apron while working, and always Always gauntlets and a blindfold

Most positive relationship: THis is difficult because so many of them have done different things, but most probably Corren and her want to be more good like him

The weirdest thing I have ever eaten: Correns cooking

Sleep: “Alister! Corren! Cuddle me!” Yea she will cuddle up with almost any person who trusts and it depends on the person. Alister: Alister is the big spoon and mecha buries herself into his chest and stomach. Corren: Mecha is like a koala to Corren and just hugs onto a single leg.

Favorite food/ kinda food: Vegetables honestly, but also baked goods like bread

Most insecure about: How others see her

Like to wear: adaptable clothing, something that can be used for many different functions and also gotta be able to get dirty and clean when you need it

How do they react to feelings of guilt: Previously they bottled them up, but more and more they are learning to talk to others about that guilt. Ultimately she always feels guilty for something

React to betrayal: Depends on the person buuuttttt, angry, blames themself for part of it, tries to move on quickly

Greatest achievement: MOCHA

Too little sleep: quiet and most likely taking a nap in the skeleton’s arms. That's If she is actually tired. Shel heals fatigue in an instant.

What are they like a drunk: If she drinks and gets drunk and that's a big if she becomes an I love you drunk and we'll just tell everyone what she likes about them before passing out.

Music likes: A lot of Rock and techno music, a little bit of pop only because it fits.

Right or left-handed: She always works with her hammer in her right hand.

Fears: Being completely alone, losing her friends, losing Mocha, destroying the world, the unknown, diseases, being like her mother

Favorite weather: Nice sunny days with a slight breeze

Favorite color: it’s hard because it's between gold and blue

Collect anything: besides random trophies, rocks that she sometimes gives away.

Hot or cold weather: Hot because you can cool down easily.

Eye color: Goldenish/ yellow

Race/ ethnicity: Well Gremlin in Sekrezia, in the real world through it's between Brazilian and Irish

Hair color: Ginger/ red

Happy where they are currently: Nope, not even a little bit. She's upset because she believes she has possibly doomed the world and has actually found someone she can connect with/ has some feeling for and they just keep backsliding her. She also hates that she has to leave her new daughter.

Mounting person: YES!!! Up early to get shit done

Sunrise or sunset: Sunrise is extremely pretty to watch especially when you can but caves are a thing.

Messy or organized: Like myself, it's a chaotic form of organization

Pet peeves: Jumping to conclusions, mistreating machines

Objects of significant importance: Her forge hammer which is like a badge of office saying she is a member of a smithing guild and her evil eye because a really good friend helped her make it.

Least favorite food: The rock she accidentally tried to eat while she was tired delirious one night in a cave.

Least favorite color: Kelly Green. Look it looks like puke, nothing against other greens but this one ugh

Least favorite smell: Decaying flesh

The last time they cried: mhhh a few weeks but it's gonna be soon. Definitely the birth of her child.

Anybody with them: entire party forMochas birth, but other than that Corren and Alistar

The time they got injured: Well getting crushed by a giant cube was bad, the worst injury would probably be getting dragged into lava by her own creation that she loved.

Scars: Nope none so far that are physical. Some mental ones that she's working through.

Mental health issues: Paranoia, Depression, Suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, PTSD

Bad habits: Shutting everyone else out.

Why might someone dislike her: SHe can be a bit standoffish and definitely hard-headed.

Why might someone love her: He has a big heart for those she cares about, she's smart and also creates a lot of small gifts that aren't for value but personal reasons.

Believe in ghosts: Literally was in a plane of the dead, soooo yes

Anyone they would trust with their life: Corren, Alistar, Torvid, Simple,

Romantically interested in anyone: Spectra, depends on the person. ACE and Demiromantic

Dating/ Married: Complicated is what it is. Yes dating somewhat but it’s not a good relationship

Like surprises: Yes, surprises are nice and add a bit of fun to life. Other than a somewhat surprising pregnancy.

Birthday: I honestly forget but it's their weave day

Celebrate their birthday: Only with those they care about, which is few but some members of the party yes.

Family: Dad is dead, Mom is alive supposedly but she was supposed to be dead, and sister is possibly dead but in a bit of denial about it

Close to their family: Chosen family yes.

MBTI type: ISTP

Zodiac signs: I forget the sekrezian one but in real life Aquarius

Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw

Alignment; Chaotic neutral/ good

Nightmares: Losing the entire party in ways that they caused ore were directly a part of.

View on death: CHanged a lot as their questline has gone on but “Once someone has passed from this world and seen the raven queen and chosen their afterlife that is it, they are at peace and will stay there unless the gods dictate differently. Past a resurrection people should not come back. I have learned this the hard way and watched what happens when you play with death”.

Something they always laugh at: Corren getting flustered and digging himself into holes he can't get out of.

When bored, what do they do: Read a book/ tinker with new experiments

Enjoy the outside: yes, especially new areas where there are unexplored places.

Accent: Somewhat of a german accent but I’m no good at replicating it

Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, the first reaction: “Who left this perfectly good piece of cake here?”

If they knew they were going to die what would they do/ say: Alister: Be a good father to Mocha, Corren: Be a good stepfather to Mocha and make sure Alister stays on the right path, Simple Geoff: didn't like you at first but your apart of my family now, Maple: Live your best life and don't let other people tell you what you can be also given up on revenge it's never as sweet as you think, Lautrec: (Opens box) sorry it took a while, Vlog: “you don't like me, I kinda like you, protect your own but never stop learning and exploring.

Feelings about sex: Mecha doesn’t want sex and feels really uncomfortable with it especially around people she doesn’t know, but around friends, she’s willing to talk about it but will also respect preferences.

Sexuality: questioning, but Grey-ace

Squeamish around blood: Nope “ I saved a man that had a lethal arrow through his neck”

Anything they find gross: Living hair/ hair constructs

TV trope: Reclusive nerd with a big heart

Enjoy helping people: Yes she really likes to help those who need it, but if she believes you can help yourself she will leave you to it.

Allergies: Seasonal/ pollen

Pet: Multiple constructs that range from a skeleton to a walking piece of glass

Quick to anger: No, she has somewhat of a calm head that eventually boils over and then causes a big yelling fight/ random actions such as throwing a stick of dynamite in a graveyard.

How patient is she: Rather patient especially when listening, not the greatest responder though

Good at cooking: Hell yea they are, give them a pan and they'll make you a feast

Favorite insult:” I'm coming for your knees” “Don't make me get the fume engine”

How do they act when happy: Huge grin on their face and they start fidgeting.

What do they do when they learn about others’ fears: Tease them slightly in private but keep the information to themselves.

Trustworthy: yes and very loyal to her friends.

Do they try to hide their emotions: Definitely but not always the greatest at hiding them cause everyone has a great sense of motive.

Exercise regularly: We walk and adventure every day while she carries probably over 25lb of mechanical items so yes.

Comfortable with the way they look: Mhh sometimes, but not always. She really doesn't like that she reminds herself of her sister or that she has distinct eyes.

Features they find attractive on others: Not really features, she's more into personality but she does like people’s eyes.

Personalities they find attractive: Protective, Kind, Smart, honest, loyal.

Do they like sweet foods: definitely into the sweeter things in life,

Age: in sekrezia: 204, equivalent age is like 45-55

Tall or short: 3ft pretty short but and on the shorter side of her race

Glasses or contacts: Nope just a cool ass blindfold and no it's not for BDSM

Consider herself attractive: Nope, not at all. SHes surprised if someone likes her in that way.

Sense of humor: Both dark and sexual but at the same time dad jokes as much as possible. Also random improv she comes up with on the spot, which is slightly me

What mood are they in most often: THe mood of trying to figure out how something works

What angers them: Hurting children, hurting the party, destroying art and machines, using others to your own gain, rape, slavery

Outlook on life: “Life is full of twists and turns. There is never bad without good. Take your time and really think about what you do, but don't forget to also just let go and go wild every now and then.

What makes them sad or depressed: THinking of their family/ friends being gone, children with no home, Mocha growing up alone.

Greatest weakness: Turning the mind against them/ lack of belief in herself and that she is not responsible for the world.

Greatest strength: Open mind and somewhat open heart.

Something they regret: not letting them self grieve for pax in a different way than hunting them down and screwing the world.

Biggest accomplishment: Having a kid

Hope for the future: open an orphanage and continue helping the Fucks make the world at least a little brighter.

[noonachronicles]

Forget Me Not

Lee Hoseok/Wonho X Reader

Word Count: 22k

Warnings: Tamed usage of curse words. Smut, but cheesy, bad smut . It’s almost like I wrote it bad intentionally? (don’t even read it tbh). Also some of this was written during a cold medicine haze. So any part you don’t like was written while I was on cold meds and/or written at three in the morning and you can’t blame me. Everything you enjoy I was fully conscious for. Also I didn’t proofread this. I tried, but I’m so tired.

Genre: Mostly fluff, some smut, angst? FWB to True Love lololol. 

A/N: Happy (belated) Birthday to my beautiful angel baby, Sara (@memoiresofaneternaldreamer​ ). I’m unexplainably sorry that this took me so long to get to you and I’m grateful for your endless patience with my shit. 🤣 Why you tolerate me I’ll never understand but it means everything to me to know that no matter what’s going on, I can always count on you to be there. For sticking with me through my worst, I wanted to give you some of my best.

Did I also use your birthday as an excuse to write out what is essentially 20k words worth of praise for Wonho based off of the disgusting amount of deeply internalized love I apparently have hidden away for him? Yes. Please don’t tell Changkyun. Now, let’s get to it.

Saturday 

Hoseok 8:40PM: Right. Fucking. Now.

You 8:45PM: k

Monday 

You 9:38PM: Busy?

Hoseok 9:40PM: On my way ;)

Thursday 

You 8:54PM: Now.

You 8:58PM: Please. :)

Today 

Hoseok 9:03PM: Need you.  

Hoseok looked down at his watch as he was stopped at the red light. He'd already sent the message to let you know he was on his way over which gave him about 15 minutes to get to your place before you got too impatient. He had two choices. He could drive straight and make it to your place a little ahead of time. Or, he could turn right and stop at the store to get a bottle of that wine he knew you loved.

When the light turned green he made a split decision and went right. He might be a little late but your irritation with his tardiness would disappear at the sight of the wine.

In the parking lot of the store there was a homeless man begging for change. Hoseok would have to choose between walking passed the old man or stopping to pull out his wallet. As he always did, he stopped. He grabbed a few bills from his wallet to give to the man and talked to him for a while to see if he needed anything from inside before actually going in. He found the wine quickly but then he chose to get something to go with it. He eyed the fresh flowers and picked out a bright mix of spring colors, he knew you’d like those better than something more romantic like roses.

He could hear your complaining already, “You're not my boyfriend. Stop doing boyfriend things. I'll get the wrong idea.”

He could also already see the bright blush on your cheeks as you sniffed the petals and placed the flowers in a vase while he opened the wine. He smiled at the thought of it and made his way to checkout. There he had chosen to stand behind a woman that looked like she was nearly ready to go crazy. Two crying toddlers stomping around in the shopping cart and screaming at the top of their lungs.

Looking at his phone he thought about sending you a message that kids were the worst, but he didn't want you to know he'd stopped. The gifts were meant to be a surprise after all. He couldn't help but listen to the conversation happening before him as time ticked by.

“I'm sorry ma’am, that's still not enough.” the cashier frowned as the mother dug inside her purse for change.

“What if we remove the chicken? So it would just been the rice and vegatables.”

“I can pay for her order. All of it.” Hoseok stepped forward placing his things on the conveyor. “Just add my two items to her order and I can pay for it.”

“Oh, please sir…”

“It's not a handout, there's no need to look so ashamed. It's a gift between friends. Feed your boys well tonight. They're growing after all.” He smiled as tears built in the woman's eyes.

“Thank you.” She whispered, trying not to breakdown in front of her kids. He handed the change from the cashier to the woman who tried and failed to deny it from the persistent Hoseok.

Feeling good, better than good, he made his way back to his sleek, silver, sports car. As he made his way to you he thought about all the choices he'd made that had brought him here and how happy he was with his decisions. Maybe he was running late and going down the road with more potholes than the other but it was worth it. You were worth it to him.

He was nearly to your place when someone else's choices that day changed everything. A delivery driver that had chosen to have an extra drink with dinner. Who chose to take off down the road instead of sleeping it off in the cab of his truck. Who chose to flip through the stations on his radio rather than look up to see the red light. Whose choices brought him crashing into the silver sports car that was on its way to you.

~~~

Downtown always seemed so busy, so alive, especially on a friday night. People out celebrating having survived the work week, couples on dates, college kids looking for a party so they could avoid any weekend assignments until Sunday. The people were often rowdy and loud, the traffic most times louder. Movie theaters were packed and lines at all the best restaurants took longer than the movies lasted. Despite all of that, it had been a really wonderful second date so far. At least that’s what you’d been thinking about as Loey walked you down the sidewalk with his magnificently long arm over your shoulder, talking enthusiastically about the movie you’d just seen together.

“...but, anyway, that’s why I had really wanted to see that one. And I know it wasn’t really your thing, so I appreciate you going with me.” he was saying as you brought yourself back to the conversation. “Did you at least like it though?”

“Umm,” you released a heavy puff of air, “I mean, it was...nice. I liked most of it. There were a lot of, um…”

“Boobs.” he said with a nod, “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I swear I didn’t know. I wasn’t trying to like… set any moods.”

You laughed at his genuine nervousness, “It’s okay, I’m not upset. It was just an observation.”

“Well if you were upset and you’re just being sweet about it now, dinner will more than make up for it.” he beamed, “I got us a reservation at the best restaurant. It’s so popular right now, I’m amazed I got us in.”

Your blood prickled in your veins just slightly and you looked at your surroundings. You’d gotten so lost in your thoughts on the walk from the theatre. With his arm around you, you hadn’t even needed to pay attention to where you were walking. The street you were on was familiar, one you’d successfully avoided for months. Your old favorite coffee shop, your old favorite jewelry store, your old favorite bookshop. Everything you’d given up for fear of not having enough restraint to not walk into the restaurant you were walking towards right now. The one with a line of people outside the door, waiting enthusiastically for their chance to experience the best french fusion cuisine in the entire city. The sign above the door, gilded script on dark wood, read La Boucherie. Though to you it might as well have read Turn Back Now in bright, blinking neon lights.

“You don’t seem excited.” Loey said looking down at you with a lopsided pout, “You didn’t happen to go vegan since our last date, did you?”

“No, no.” you shook your head and plastered on your best smile, “This is great. I’ve heard really wonderful things.”

“We can go somewhere else.” he was a puppy, always so eager to please.

You grabbed his face in your hands and forced his big doe eyes to meet yours, “It’s fine. I don’t care where we go as long as it’s together. Also I just want to eat so...”

He clutched at his chest dramatically, “You really are after my heart.”

Once inside the restaurant you tried to keep breathing. Your belly was in knots and you weren’t sure how you were going to stomach a meal with your nerves twisted so tight. There was sweat beading at your hairline by the time the hostess sat you down, but you kept your smile on your face. If he was going to see you here, you were going to look happy. Happy without him.

By the main course you had calmed down quite a bit. Your table was in the main dining area and you knew that on weekends, since they were so busy, he would be working the bar. There hadn’t even been a glimpse of him all night, and the conversation with Loey was going really well. Your stomach aching from laughter rather than nerves. By the time the two of you were sitting, waiting for dessert and after dinner coffee to arrive, you had forgotten where you even were. You hadn’t thought about it at all when you excused yourself to go to the restroom. The restroom that was next to the bar. You’d even made it in and out without a hassle. It was only when you’d walked out of the restroom that your eyes fell behind the redwood bar top. You’d frozen, your heels jammed into some invisible cement, and you weren’t entirely sure you were still breathing either.

Four mirrored panels lined the wall behind the bar reflecting the packed tables, shelves on either side of the mirrors were lined with bottles of the top shelf brands that were offered. Everything else was well stocked, and well hidden, behind the bar itself. It was a sleek look and one you’d always found aesthetically pleasing.

The man behind the bar you’d used to find pleasing as well. His black hair was disheveled. The way you’d used to like, bangs swept across his forehead. They had clearly been busy all night. He had the sleeves of his white button up rolled up to his elbows, showing off the veins in his hardworking forearms. He was helping a customer who had apparently said something funny because you found yourself blinded by his incredible smile. Very suddenly you felt sick.

Honestly, standing there you weren’t sure if you were pissed off or aroused at the sight of him, which only left you more frustrated and flustered than before. After watching him for far too long you remembered Loey and found the strength to leave. At least the strength to get to where the bar met the dining area. It was there you hesitated. You were already here and if you could help it you were never coming back, you’d reasoned with yourself. You would only have this one opportunity to say your peace until you never saw him again. After a deep breath you marched over to an open space at the bar and looked at him expectantly.

He was helping someone new at this point but he noticed you immediately. His smile grew bigger than before and he held up a finger to let you know he’d be with you in a moment. You scowled slightly, having been trying to look angry but wondering if maybe you’d come off as happy to see him. He was either happy to see you or just being his generally happy self. When he was done at the other side of the bar he pushed his sleeves back up and moved over to where you were standing.

“Hey, what can I get for you?” he asked, dark brown eyes sparkling as they looked you over.  

“I don’t want anything.”

A smug smirk spread across his face, “Oh, just came over to see me? I’m flattered.”

“Don’t be.” you snapped, “I just wanted to tell you, I’m here on a date. It’s going really well and I really like him. So I might have sex tonight...with him.”

His eyes went wide with surprise and he laughed, looking both amused and confused by your declaration. “I-I’m...that’s great? Congratulations.”

“I’m really happy now. I wanted you to know how happy I am.” you felt your confidence waiver the longer you stood in front of him. “So that’s why I came over here. To let you know I’m fine, better than fine.”

“Well I am happy you’re happy. I guess.” he nodded casually.

“Yeah, and no thanks to you.”

“Wh- I...I’m sorry. Do we know each other? You seem really mad at me.” he said finally just needing some clarification over this bizarre conversation.

“Seriously?” you scoffed, unsure how much longer you could hold up because you were pretty sure this man was trying to break your heart for a second time. “Are you joking? What...are we pretending like we never happened now? You just moved all the way on from me.”

“I...I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what you were talking about. If we had spent time together, that’s definitely something I would have wanted to remember.” he looked genuinely sorry, which made no sense to you. You weren’t crazy.

“Spent time together?” your jaw dropped to the floor, “I know we weren’t exactly dating but I thought we at least… You know what? Forget it. Just, I don’t know, go fuck yourself, Hoseok.”

You didn’t even give him the chance to process your words before turning on your heel and leaving. You were already almost in rage tears when you’d gotten back to the table. Loey’s smile instantly fading at the sight of you and turning into concern. After apologizing profusely you grabbed your things and begged him to stay and enjoy dessert, promising to call him when you were home. He was incredibly confused but you’d made it clear you needed, and very much wanted to be alone.

You made it out to the curb before the first tears hit and you threw your jacket on before starting down the sidewalk. Behind you there was someone calling for you to stop. Looking over your shoulder you could see it wasn’t Loey, it wasn’t anyone familiar at all so you kept going. You weren’t in the mood for being sexually harassed tonight. He was not relenting, once you passed the second building with him still on your tail you reached into your purse and wrapped your hand around the mace you kept.

“Ma’am! Miss! Please, stop. Ma’am. Jesus Christ, would you stop?” he called behind you.

Finally nearing the end of the block, tears streaking your cheeks, you whipped around furiously. “Listen, you fucking creep, I am clearly not interested. And the fact that you’re chasing after a vulnerable, sobbing mess of a woman really goes to show what kind of sick predator you truly are. Now step back before I mace you until you are forever blinded.”

“Wow…” he said, raising his eyebrows and taking several steps back “Are you done? I’m not trying to fuck you, okay? I saw you in the bar talking to Hoseok. Are you friends with him?”

You calmed slightly, but just barely. “I thought, at the very least, but apparently I wasn’t anything to him but forgettable.”

“Um… okay.” the stranger placed his hands together in front of his mouth, trying to decide the best way to say whatever it was he was going to say. “Here’s the thing. Hoseok was in a really bad car accident. He doesn’t remember most of the last six years of his life.”

“What?” you asked, unsure of what else to even say.

“I know it sounds... nuts. I don’t know what you know about memory loss, but they said he has post-traumatic amnesia. His is a hefty cocktail of retrograde amnesia and short term memory loss.” he shrugged, “The guy doesn’t even remember he was in an accident most days.”

“Fuck,” you muttered looking over this complete stranger, “You are the most legit wingman that has ever existed, but you can go back to your friend and let him know I’m over it. I’m over him.”

“No, listen, seriously! This isn’t some joke. The only reason he remembers who I am is because we’ve been best friends since grade school. I swear on my life, if you come back tomorrow, he won’t even remember tonight happened.”

With your heart pounding against your chest, your first thought was to wonder if he’d really been in some horrible accident. Your second was how you hadn’t been there for him if he was. Tears threatened the backs of your eyes once more and you took a deep breath.

You were pretty sure you knew the answer before the question left your mouth, but you had to ask anyway to be certain. “When was it? The accident...what was the day?”

Before he even got the date out all the way, you knew it was the night Hoseok was supposed to be coming to see you. It had been over a year but that day stuck with you like it had been one of the worst days of your life. It was the beginning of the first time you’d ever had your heartbroken.

Closing your eyes, a few tears fell down your cheeks. It was a lot to take in if it was true. If it was true that meant that he hadn’t intentionally hurt you. You exhaled deeply,  “Thank you... for telling me. I have to go.”

You had already turned your back to him, more than ready to leave, when he said “Are you yeosin?”

“Excuse me?” you asked looking over your shoulder.

“Did Hoseok ever call you yeosin?”

This time you turned all the way back around as you thought back to one of the last times you’d been together.

Postcoital cuddling in his bed, tangled up in the sheets together. He’d been petting your hair, keeping you in a staring contest. Prolonged eye contact was his favorite game to play with you because it never took long for you to get too flustered to even look at him and he reveled in it. You could be anywhere. In bed or out to eat, alone or in a crowded room, it didn’t matter. He’d touch you, something small. Petting your hair, his thumb rubbing circles on your hip, running his foot against yours. Then he’d lock eyes with you and smirk while your stomach got tied up in knots, your core covered in warm honey. The easiest way to get you in the mood.

“Damn it, Hoseok!” you’d whined and then laughed, blushing as you’d finally looked away.

He’d only laughed, pulling you closer, and you’d sunk comfortably into the warmth of him, “Oh yeosin, maybe one day.”

“Why do you call me that?” you’d asked pushing his bangs off his forehead.

“Yeosin?” you’d nodded, and he’d smiled, “Because for me, that’s what you are.”

You’d rolled your eyes at his response, “That doesn’t make any sense. I’m not even your girlfriend.”

“You’re more than that. You’re my goddess, my queen.”

When you came back from the memory, his friend was still looking at you expectantly. You shook your head, “It doesn’t matter. I really need to go now.”

“Please, it does matter! If you ever cared about him at all...please, just please come back tomorrow.”

You sighed, “Maybe.”

“Okay! Maybe, I’ll take a maybe over a no.” he sounded genuinely excited, “My name is Minhyuk. Come straight to the bar tomorrow. I’ll look for you. We can talk.”

~~~

La Boucherie. You’d stood in front of the restaurant window for twenty minutes. Just eyeing the curl and flow of the cursive gold lettering that matched the lettering on the sign over the door. You weren’t even sure why you had come. Still not even positive this wasn’t some insane ruse. All day, and most of the night, you had debated on whether or not to actually show up. It would have been easy to go back and forth for the rest of your life contemplating whether or not you believed the validity of the story you were told. One thing you knew for sure though, for the last year of your life Hoseok had stayed on your mind. And even after months of anger and pain, seeing him had still made your heart race at a different pace than any of the other guys you’d tried being with after him. So you couldn’t help but think that it would be worth it to find out. For closures sake, you’d justified to yourself.

Saturday at the restaurant was just as bad as Friday or worse maybe, you’d thought walking into the thick crowd of people at the door. You told the hostess you were there to see Minhyuk and she waved you into the bar area. He was there, like he’d said, and as enthusiastic as ever. When he looked up to see you his face lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. At least someone remembered you. He made you your drink of choice and practically begged you to stick around until he got a free moment to sneak away. You sat at the bar, sipping on your drink and scrolling through your phone. Minhyuk came by often to check up on you and make sure you didn’t need anything. He even made sure someone brought you an appetizer on the house. Nearly every time he passed he thanked you again for being there and for staying.

“You’re not flirting with him are you?”

You had just lifted your drink to your lips for a sip and had to actively try not to choke at the sound of his voice. You eyed him through the mirror behind the bar. He was smiling, head quirked slightly as he looked at the back of your head, waiting for you to notice him.

Dabbing your mouth with a cocktail napkin you turned to look at him. “Excuse me?”

“The bartender. You’re not flirting with him are you?” he asked and leaned against the bar between you and the guy who had been on the stool next to you.

He was so close you weren’t sure you could speak. You put your glass down slowly. “What would it matter to you if I was?”

“It’s none of my business. I know that. I just think there is something inherently wrong with the most beautiful woman in this entire building flirting with him. I felt a moral obligation to object. I say all of this with love, mind you, the guy’s my best friend.”

You placed your hand over your mouth to try and hide your smile, but the blush was already creeping over your cheeks and up your neck. He was a meal standing right in front of you. Tight back jeans ripped over the muscles in his thighs, his white button down from the night before was replaced with a black one to match the jeans. You loathed how impossibly soft, and pink his lips looked as he pouted at you slightly. Not to mention the way he was staring at you like you were the only other person in the world, forget being just the most beautiful woman in the building.

It was unfair, if this was true, you thought to yourself. If he was really standing in front of you looking like that. You knowing how good it felt to kiss those lips and at one point having been able to kiss them whenever you’d wanted. To already know the feel of his hands on your body, but be expected to do nothing about it because if he truly did have amnesia you were certain that kissing him like you wanted to now would be some form of sexual harassment. Even if he wouldn’t remember it tomorrow. Maybe even worse that he wouldn’t remember it the next day.

You gulped, “Well, who would you suggest I flirt with then?”

He raised his hand to chest, “Wow, I’m so sorry. Was I not being as obvious as I thought I was being? Beautiful, you should be flirting with me.”

“Oh, you were definitely being obvious. I just wanted to hear you say it.” you smirked and brought your drink back to your lips.    

“Good.” he held out his hand, “I’m Hoseok.”

You bit your lip, trying to read his face. Did he really not remember you? Even from last night when you’d kind of gone off on him? You placed your hand in his, the feeling was electric.

“I’m y/n.” you said a little awkwardly, thrown by having to introduce yourself to someone who knew you.

“Fitting, a beautiful name for a beautiful woman.” You suppressed an eye roll you would have given old Hoseok. “Would you mind if I sat with you for awhile?”

He still held your hand in his, his thumb rubbing gentle circles over the top. With your free hand you motioned to the now empty seat behind him. He sat down, keeping your hand, and once he was situated he locked eyes with you. It felt hard to breathe, he was the definition of breathtaking. You grew warm all over, like being showered in sunlight. Then you started to feel the all too familiar tug in your belly. The tiniest sigh fell from your lips as he continued to circle his thumb on the back of your hand. You turned away first, per usual. He chuckled lightly as you took a sip of your drink.

“Um,” you put your glass down, “The bartender...he’s your friend, you said?”

He nodded, “Best friend for many years.”

“How do you know him? Do you work here?”

“Actually, I own this restaurant. Him,” he nodded towards Minhyuk, “I met back when we were in school.”

“Oh,” you nodded. Pretending to be impressed by something you already knew was harder than you expected. “How long have you owned this place?”

“Almost six months.” he said confidently. There was a complete and total belief that what he’d said was the truth. It wasn’t. Hoseok had owned this restaurant for over seven years already.

“You’re sure we’ve never met?” you asked curiously.

“Absolutely positive. I could never forget a smile like yours. That way you blush...” he boldly brushed his thumb over your cheek, “I would never forget you.”

He stayed with you at the bar for some time playing with your hand as you tried to casually ask him questions about your past lives together. You focused on reading his face when he answered and it didn’t hurt that his face had always been one of your favorite views. You remained unsure if you were trying to catch him in a lie or were just amazed at the fact that he might have actually forgotten everything. On top of everything running through your head there was also something strangely exciting about sitting there experiencing him flirt with you again the way he had the very first time you met.

If you were being entirely honest with yourself you’d missed him. It had been so easy to be angry and to hate him when you hadn’t seen him for weeks. In your head he had turned into an evil demon monster. Having him sitting right in front of you smiling and laughing, being the sweet and funny Hoseok you remembered, it made you ache for him like you hadn’t done for months.

“Have you ever tried the curry place down on fourth avenue?” you asked. That was the place that you would always order takeout from together.

He shook his head, “No, actually I’ve never had curry before.”

He hadn’t tried curry before the two of you met, you knew that about him. Hoseok had pretty singular tastes and didn’t really stray from what he knew, but you were too adventurous to let that fly in your relationship.

“If you’re ever around there, you should go and try it. It’s really good. I think you’d like it a lot.”

“I actually live right down the road from there. We should go together.” he offered.

“Yeah I think I’d really like that.” you said with a tiny smile.

Sooner than you’d wanted he confessed he had to leave. There was work to be done and he’d already spent a lot of time fooling around with you. The two of you had talked through most of the dinner rush. Although you felt a little guilty, you wouldn’t have changed it. It worked out well anyway because almost as soon as Hoseok was gone Minhyuk had come over, ready to talk. He walked you around the corner, passed the bathrooms. There was a small room with what looked like a lot of backstock for the bar. Kegs of beer, crates of wine. Minhyuk emptied one of the crates and flipped it over, offering it to you as a place to sit.  

“He doesn’t remember anything.” you said quietly, your eyes welled up with tears instantly, the weight of it finally sinking in now that Hoseok wasn’t around to distract you.  “He doesn’t remember us at all.”

“It’s not just you.” Minhyuk said stuffing his hands in his pockets, “It’s really everything. He doesn’t remember his mom's passing. His brother’s wedding. Most days he struggles with the code to his apartment and there have been days when he couldn’t even find the apartment itself. I can’t express how hard this has been.”

“So what, you have to like babysit him?” you asked, “Does he really forget everything, everyday, like in the movies.”

“Basically. I was the only one who could really afford to pick up and leave everything else to be here for him. He was in a coma for almost seven months. I immediately took over the restaurant for him while he was out. When he woke up with the memory loss, I stuck around. He doesn’t question me being here because I actually worked with him when he first opened. Which is about where he is in his timeline, memory wise.” Minhyuk let out an exasperated sigh, “He’s mostly fully functioning now, but he does get confused. He picks up on little things here and there. Usually the more repetitive it is the better he is at remembering. Being back at work really helped. He’s been good at remembering small tasks and it’s stirred up some progress but he’s been at a bit of a standstill lately. The problem with just doing the same things over and over is there’s nothing new challenging him or stimulating his memory. ”

“How long will he be like this? Forever? Why did he regress so far back? Is that common?”

Minhyuk shook his head, “No, the doctor doesn’t think it’ll be forever, but there’s no real timeline. They don’t know why he went back so far, maybe the extent of the damage. Most people only forget until just before the accident. He, his doctor, said that a trigger would be helpful in getting him back but we hadn’t really been sure what that could be. That’s actually why I asked you to come back.”

Pushing himself off of the shelf he’d been leaning on, Minhyuk pulled a phone from his back pocket. The screen was cracked to hell and there were scratches covering every inch. Hoseok’s old phone.

He handed it to you. “You’re the only one he talked to consistently that wasn’t me or his brother. He knew both of us before that six year mark so we don’t really trigger anything new for him. We were thinking...you might be what he needs.”

“We?” you asked absentmindedly scrolling through his phone.

He’d had dozens of conversations but most of them were with vendors for the restaurant or employees requesting time off or reporting an absence.You’d always kind of thought he worked too hard, but you didn’t realize the extent of it. You didn’t realize that he didn’t have anything in his life outside of work, except you. The conversation at the top was yours. He had you in his phone as Yeosin, which you’d never known. The last message was from you to him.

If I ever see your face again, Hoseok, it’ll be too soon.

You gulped, ashamed and embarrassed at how hateful you sounded in your last messages to him. For weeks after the accident, when you thought he’d just been ghosting you. You looked up at Minhyuk ready to explain. To apologize and swear up and down that you weren’t this person.

He shrugged, “You didn’t know.”

Next you scrolled through his photos. It felt a little like an invasion of privacy but you couldn’t help yourself. It was like learning parts of him he’d kept from you before and it was fascinating. You saw his brother at different holidays and special events. A fractured timeline of his niece through the years, from infant to toddler. Pictures of things for the restaurant like invoices, inventory, and what were probably pictures for insurance.

What surprised you was that most of his pictures were of you. Hoseok didn’t do social media, he didn’t really have time. He didn’t even run the media pages for the restaurant, he’d hired someone for that. That meant you’d never gotten to see all the pictures he’d taken of you, or realized just how many the two of you had together. Out to dinner, at different events, at home. There were cute ones, silly ones, sexy ones. An entire history of your relationship. You didn't realize you were crying until tears were splashing down on the cracked screen. You wondered if you had meant more to him than you realized and he’d just never told you. Then again it wasn’t like you’d ever told him what he meant to you either. Suddenly, you were incredibly worried you would never get the chance to know for sure.

“Um, we?” you asked again wiping your face clean and handing him back the phone.

“His brother, me, the doctor.” he said, “We would have tried to get ahold of you right when it happened, but we didn’t even know about the phone until he woke up. It had been lodged in the car, they put in a box with all the other stuff they salvaged. We hadn’t even thought to open it until we realized we needed to trigger his memory. By that time...”

You let out a small laugh, “I had changed my number. I’m so sorry. Have you tried just showing him the phone?”

“Yeah, a couple times. He just got weird and cried a lot. It didn’t really help.” he shrugged, “We think you could help though. You knew him the best during the last few years. I, we, really think you could be what brings him back.”

Thinking about the man outside this room with his beautiful smile and lingering gaze, you knew there was only one option. You looked up at Minhyuk and nodded, “What can I do? I’ll do anything.”

~~~~

It was simple really. All you were asked to do was come around and see him. Come see him and let him see you. That’s what you did and you did it often. Four times a week that first month. At first it was going to the restaurant, hanging out at the bar or eating a meal alone, waiting to see if he would notice you. He did, every time without fail, notice you. Each time he would come over to where you were and confidently make a pass at you. He would offer to comp your meals and buy you drinks. Several times he’d asked for your number. You’d have to tell Minhyuk so he could go back later and delete it, knowing it would be tough to explain why you were in his phone already the next time he asked you for it.

After weeks had gone by and you’d reintroduced yourself to Hoseok for the twentieth time, you and Minhyuk decided you needed to try something else. The two of you started manufacturing casual run-ins. He’d find out where Hoseok was going to be or ask him to come out with him somewhere and tell you where to go. Grocery stores were easy locations and so were coffee shops. You’d always get a little nervous because it was so uncertain how he’d react. The restaurant was more controlled and he was always so confident there. When he saw you anywhere else he seemed almost shy and would really work for it. It was so brand new to you to see him struggle a little.

At the grocery store he’d follow behind you for awhile, gathering courage. Usually if you stood for a while pretending to read the backs of boxes he’d make his way over, pretending to need something in front of you as a way to break the ice. Coffee shops usually meant him sitting somewhere in your line of sight. He’d make big movements to try and catch your attention. Pushing out his chest, stretching out his arms, subtle flexing that left you biting your lip to keep from laughing at how ridiculous of a flirt he was. He’d test the waters by matching your gaze over the tops of his glasses until you were blushing and flustered. Then he’d come over to your table and sit down with a pleased smile offering to refresh your drink.

Everytime, no matter where you were, like a moth to a flame he would find you. At first it was the best feeling in the world. It warmed you every time he’d find you. Everytime you were in a room full of people and the first thing he noticed was you. Everytime he would find a new way to get your attention, introduce himself to you, and flirt with you made you fall a little bit more for him. Then, slowly, it became the worst feeling. It was bitter for you because even though there was clearly something there, you were stuck. You were falling deeper in love with him than you’d ever been with anyone else. You learned and relearned every part of him, and all he ever wanted was your name. It got harder and harder for you to “meet” him, feeling so hopeless, knowing it was all for nothing. Desperate for a break you’d been avoiding messages and calls from Minhyuk for days.

Too frustrated by everything you just wanted a step back. A moment of your life where Hoseok’s face wasn’t the only thing you saw or the only thing you thought about. Work was turning out to be a decent distraction for that. Especially as there was a big opening at the art gallery you worked for in the upcoming weeks that you were busy preparing for. You were actually on the phone with the caterers for the event when you heard the chime of the door opening.

“I told Bianca when we spoke last week that it was eight hundred. Minimum.” you said calmly looking up from your paperwork to the visitor. You placed your hand over the mouth of the phone before saying “I’ll be with you in just a moment.”

Everything stopped as you caught sight of him. He may have had his back to you but that didn’t change the fact that you knew it was him. There was a black beanie pulled over his hair and his ears and he was wearing a leather jacket over a pair of light jeans. There was no reason for you to know it was him from where you were positioned but you did with one hundred percent certainty. You sunk down behind the front desk and took several deep breaths. There had been no plans made with Minhyuk for this, you didn’t even remember telling him where you worked. He had never once told you to expect this.

“Ma’am, hello?” you could hear the woman from the catering company on the phone, “Are you still there?”

“Oh my god,” you hissed into the receiver, “can you please give me a minute. I need a minute.”

You grabbed your cellphone off the desk and pulled it into your lap bringing up the conversation you had with Minhyuk.

You 1:15 pm: Are you here?

It took a minute for you to see the bubble pop up with its three little dots. Or it might have been seconds, but time got strange when you weren’t functioning properly.

Min 1:16 pm: ...where?

You 1:16 pm: At my work.

You 1:16 pm: Min

You 1:16 pm: Did you send him here?

You 1:16 pm: How do you know where I work?

You 1:16 pm: Min

You 1:17 pm: Min

You 1:17 pm: EXPLAIN PLEASE

Min 1:17 pm: Who

Min 1:17 pm: Wtf r u talking about??

Min 1:17 pm: I’m at the restaurant

Min 1:17 pm: haven’t heard from u in a week...

You looked up again to see that he had moved near the back of the gallery, still just observing the art. You could see now that he was wearing his tight maroon sweater under the jacket and your eyes went wide, he looked so good there was no way this wasn’t a trap.

You 1:18pm: Ho! Seok! Hoseok is at my work right now!

The bubble appeared and disappeared four different times and then…

Min 1:19pm: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You 1:19pm: You’re a dead man Lee Minhyuk.

After the message sent you slammed your phone down on the desk and picked up the cordless phone for the gallery.

“Are you still there?” you asked hurriedly.

“Yes…”

“Okay, I’m going to have to call you back. Something super urgent came up, a fire to put out. I will call you back as soon as I can.” the woman on the other end sounded upset but you didn’t have the time to concern yourself with it.

You stood up and smoothed out your skirt before inconspicuously slipping back into the heels you’d kicked off under the desk. After several deep breaths you walked over to where he was standing. He’d been looking at a tall, nearly ten foot tall, narrow painting that you’d had in the gallery forever. He’d seen it before. He used to come in all the time to pick you up from work or to take you to lunch. When this painting came in originally he’d looked it over for a long time and said

“You’re never going to sell this.” you blinked at the Hoseok standing in front of you now, a sincere wave of deja vu crashing over you. He looked over at you and smiled, “I mean, not that I think you’re a bad salesperson it’s just who has the kind of space for it?”

It took an excruciatingly long moment for you to reply as he stood there looking at you, waiting. “Not the first time I’ve heard that. Um, unfortunately you’re not wrong. It’s been hard to move to say the least.”

“If I had somewhere to put it, I’d take it off your hands.” Not the first time you’d heard that either. He reached out his hand, “I’m Hoseok.”

“Hi Hoseok, I’m y/n. Did you need help finding something?” you asked tugging your lip between your teeth.

He shook his head, “No. I actually was just going to get lunch. I liked the way the door looked, thought I’d come inside.”

“The door… of the building?”

“Weird, right? I saw it and it just felt...familiar? Just felt like I’d been wanting to come in here for awhile, and I had the time so here I am.” he grinned. “Do you know any good places to eat around here?”

That earned him a suspicious look. He lived maybe a handful of blocks away from here and you knew his favorite ramen shop was about two streets over. “What are you hungry for?”

“What would you want? If you were going to lunch with me, what would you be hungry for?” he asked.

You crossed your arms over your chest and thought about it, “Anything I want?”

He nodded, “Anything at all.”

“Curry.” you said with a smirk waiting for a groan or a request for something else.

He made a bit of a face and then smiled, “Okay. Let’s go then.”

“What?” you asked surprised.

“Come get lunch with me.” he shrugged as if it was no big deal to ask someone you’d known for five minutes out to lunch.

“That’s bold of you. Anyway, I’m at work.” you said and looked around the empty gallery, “Alone. I can’t just leave.”

He hummed thoughtfully, “How long? How long until you’re not alone?”

“Could be hours.” you lied and looked down at your watch. Your coworker should actually have been back from her lunch twenty minutes ago.

“I’ll wait then.” he said clasping his hands behind his back and moving on to the next piece of art.

You couldn’t move, you just watched him as he walked around the gallery. Never once did he look back at you. He didn’t need to, he’d already seen the incredulous look that you’d had frozen on your face. Finally, after taking way too long to respond once again, you walked over to where he had stopped this time.

“Why would you wait that long just to have lunch with a stranger?” you asked.  

He turned to you with a small smirk on his lips, “I think you’re pretty. I also thought it was cute, the way you were trying to hide behind your desk when I came in. So I’d like to have a meal with you. Also I’ve never had curry before. I wouldn’t know the first thing about what to order, I’ll need you to come with me to tell me what’s best.”  

You scoffed, “You think you’re so charming, don’t you?”

“What, you disagree?” he laughed.

“I didn’t say that.” you blushed and looked away.

You both turned at the sound of the chime for the front door to see your coworker scurrying in. Big sunglasses on her face, big purse on her shoulder, and big phone against her ear. She had a finger raised as if to shush you before you even thought to say anything. The two of you watched her go around the desk to drop her bag off and then click clack her way to the restroom without even so much as a hello.

“Well would you look at that?” he said, “You’re not alone anymore.”

You opened your mouth to say something but thought better of it and ended up just rolling your eyes, much to his amusement. When Mina returned from the restroom she had her sunglasses on the top of her head and was just pulling her phone from her ear.

“Hey, Y/n! Soooo sorry I’m late. We had italian for lunch. I had too many bellinis and honestly the service was terrible. It’s not really even my fault I’m late.” She looked up at you finally and her eyes went wide, “Oh. My. God. Is that H-”

“Hey!” you shouted enthusiastically, “Hey, Mina. Mina...hey! Can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” she said eyeing Hoseok as you hurried over to the desk where she was standing. When you arrived she leaned in and said, “That is Hoseok, right?”

“Yes,” you said quietly.

“I can’t really blame you for going back to him, he looks…” she ran her tongue across her lip as she looked over at him. “So good.”

You sighed, “We’re going to go to lunch, so I’ll be gone for a little bit.”

She raised a dramatic eyebrow. “Oh, you think you’ll be coming back to work after. That’s so cute.”

“Mina! Please, it’s just lunch.”

“Just lunch...with that man? I don’t think so, y/n.” she said waving over at Hoseok and he nodded kindly in return, “Yeah, leave your panties here, you won’t be needing them where he’s taking you.”

“Anyway…” you said and grabbed your purse off of the desk, “I’ll be back. Hoseok, let’s go.”

He hurried to the front where you were and went to open the door for you.

“I won’t hold my breath!” Mina called in a song song as you made your way outside.

Lunch with Hoseok had been amazing. At several points you’d questioned why you had ever wanted space from him in the first place. You also realized you’d gotten so good at feigning interest in the things he’d repeatedly told you about himself as first meeting banter. The best part by far had been something new. It had been ordering Hoseok his favorite dish from the restaurant and watching his face explode in delight at the very first bite. He made you laugh so hard your cheeks ached and the two of you ate so much you thought you’d never have to eat again as long as you lived.

Afterwards he asked if you wanted to take a walk with him or if you had to go back to work right away. You didn’t want to prove Mina wrong so you sent her a quick message to let her know you wouldn’t be back that afternoon. You also found a message from Minhyuk swearing he had nothing to do with it, which you ignored. Hoseok walked the two of you down the street to the park that was across from his apartment building. You walked and talked down the bike path and around the small duck pond and then back up again. Finally you begged for the chance to sit down.

Your work heels weren’t meant for leisurely strolls, and you’d become worried they were filling with blood. Though truth be told, if he’d wanted to you would have kept walking for miles, but you were grateful that you didn’t have to. You were grateful he had found an unoccupied bench for the two of you to share. You sat there for some time, at one point the wind picked up and he threw his jacket over your shoulders to make sure you were comfortable enough to stay with him a little longer.  

“I’m really glad I walked into your work today.” he said moving a few stray hairs away from your face. The lights in the park started to turn on as the sun neared setting.

“Me too.” you agreed watching his tongue brush over his lips. This, you’d thought to yourself, would be a good moment for him to kiss you. If he didn’t you imagined you might scream out of frustration.

The two of you sat there for a little while longer, just watching each other. It didn’t have quite the intensity of his staring game, but it still left knots in your stomach. Your whole body was vibrating as you caught him eyeing your mouth. He gulped lightly and it felt like this was it. So you sat still as a statue as he leaned in, worried you might scare him off if you made any sudden movements. He was so close, nose brushing lightly against yours close. Then he pulled away.

“I’m so sorry.” he shook his head, “I don’t know why I did that. We just met, that was really out of line. I apologize.”

You sat quietly for a minute. All of your sexual frustration threatening to boil over. Little white bubbles stacking up beyond your capacity, staying put by nothing more than the grace of god. Looking at his face you knew you couldn’t yell at him, despite the urge to that was tugging at your chest. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know, but this wasn’t your fault either. It wasn’t fair for anyone.  

“I can’t do this anymore.” you sighed and stood up, “I can’t.”

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“I just can’t, Hoseok. I’m so sorry.” you said through trembling lips as you pulled his jacket off your shoulders.

He took the jacket from you reluctantly, “It was a mistake, I won’t try it again. We don’t have to do anything, I promise I didn’t expect anything from you. I just wanted to spend time with you.”

“That’s the problem!” you groaned in frustration, he probably already thought you were crazy. You thought you might as well get it all out so he could go to bed and forget any of it happened. “I know it’s not your fault, but you can’t possibly understand how hard it is for me to be falling so desperately in love with a man that never remembers who I am! I don’t get to kiss you or touch you like I want, like I was used to. Every day it’s like you’re meeting me for the first time and you would never want to spend time with a girl that desperate that she begs for your physical attention after the first five minutes of meeting her.”

“I…” it was clear he was already confused by everything you were saying but it was too late, you just had to get it out.

“No, I’m not done.” you said lifting your finger, “Because now it’s so much more than that. It’s more than kissing you and holding you. It’s the inside jokes that you’re on the outside of. It’s the memories that you can’t remember and feeling like maybe I made all of it up. Maybe I made us up. Worst of all...worst of all, it’s knowing in the back of my mind that maybe before all of this you could have fallen in love with me too. I could have made you love me and now I can’t even get you to remember me.”

“I don’t...I don’t know what to say.”

“No, I know. I know.” you sniffed and smiled weakly, “I’m going to kiss you. Is that okay?”

He didn’t know why it felt right but he nodded, “Yeah.”

You grabbed his face in your hands and pulled his mouth to yours. It felt so good to have his soft, full lips against yours. He pulled you close, letting you sink into his chest. It was bittersweet. Kissing him again was exactly what you remembered it could be, but that only reminded you how much it hurt to not have it all the time. You left a quick peck of a kiss and pulled back.

“I’m gonna leave. Um, I’ll call Minhyuk and let him know.” You ran your hand over his chest with a sigh, “I’m really, I’m really sorry I wasn’t...strong enough for this. I hope you get to remember.”

“Minhyuk?” he asked still dazed and very much confused, “You know Minhyuk?”

“Yeah, you should call him. He can explain everything.” you grabbed your purse off the bench and slipped on your shoes. Hoseok didn’t know what else to do but stand there and watch you. Everything you had confessed, the kiss, and his feelings on all of it still processing very slowly. When you were ready you leaned up one last time and kissed his cheek, “I really do love you, Hoseok. I wish you could remember that.”

~~~

It was lucky for you that it was the start of your weekend because when you got home and sunk into your pajamas you knew that you’d have been useless if you were forced to try doing anything beyond laying in bed watching sappy romance movies and eating ice cream a gallon at a time. You called Minhyuk to try and explain why you couldn’t do it anymore through hefty sobs but he wasn’t understanding anything you said. You ended up just texting him something of an essay that didn’t make much more sense than your verbal ramblings but you’d figured you’d tried your best and it’s all you could do.

It made you incredibly frustrated, mad, and just generally upset that you had to get over Hoseok for a second time. Part of you wished you’d never seen him again, that you didn’t know about the accident. That you hadn’t spent the last couple of months fruitlessly trying to help him get his memory back. Mostly you just wished that he would come back to you.

Sunday morning you woke up fairly early. You showered and got ready for the day like a normal human being, and made your way down the street to the grocery store. The pretense was that you were going to pick up some vegetables and fruit, something sustainable. Part of you knew all along that you were just going to get more ice cream. As you walked up the sidewalk to your apartment building you saw a familiar face. You shifted your bag of groceries in your arm as you watched Hoseok, wondering what he was doing there.

“Seriously, Minhyuk…” you muttered under your breath.

Hoseok looked completely lost, just slowly spinning around in a circle like he was looking for something specific. As you got closer to him, he stopped. You could see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat with a gulp and you wondered for the briefest moment if maybe he remembered you, if you were the something specific he’d been looking for. You kept his gaze, half expecting him to say something to you. Instead his cheeks grew a shy blush and he looked away as you passed him. Maybe not. The fact that he didn’t say anything to you only made you more curious as to why he was there if it really wasn’t for you. You walked up the few steps of the stoop and tried to juggle your groceries as you dug into your purse for your keys.

“Do you need some help?”

Even though you knew he was there, his voice still took you by surprise. You looked over your shoulder and smiled, “No, thanks. I got it.”

“Okay.” He smiled back lightly and shoved his hands in his pockets before walking down the sidewalk a little ways.

Once you got yourself inside you stopped to grab your mail. You could still see him from your mailbox, wandering around aimlessly. He looked like a sad, lost puppy and all the frustration you’d felt start to dissipate yet again. You let out a long deep sigh as you realized that it was never going to be over for you, not when it came to him.

Leaving your groceries on the shelf in front of the mailboxes you walked over to the door and pushed it open. “Do you need help with something?”

Hoseok spun around with a bright smile on his face. “I don’t know.”

Your eyebrows knit together in confusion. “What?”

“Um…” he looked around the street once more and then jogged the short way to your stoop. “I don’t know what I’m doing here. You ever get the feeling you’re supposed to be somewhere but once you get there you’re not sure what you’re there for?”

“Literally never...done that” You laughed.

“I know it sounds crazy.” He shook his head and looked back up at you, meeting your gaze but this time with more confidence. “I woke up this morning and I knew that I had to be here, that it was important that I come here.”

You gulped, “Like right here, to this spot?”

“I didn’t know, not it first. It was more general. I’ve been walking around this neighborhood all morning and then when I got to this street I just knew I was close and then I got to that light post over there and...can’t figure out where I’m supposed to go. But I know this is approximately where I need to be. I haven’t been able to figure out why. It feels familiar but nothing looks familiar. Does that make sense?”

“Why did you feel like you needed to come here?” You asked leaning against the doorframe.

His smile faltered slightly. “I felt bad, I think. Guilty maybe, like I needed to make something right. My heads been weird lately. I thought I’d know when I got here.”

“Well…” you sighed, had he really come all this way to make up with you without even knowing it? Or were you just reading too far into it? “If you’ve been outside all morning you should come in for awhile and warm up. You don’t want to get sick. I can make you some tea.”

“Really?” He asked, looking thrilled at the idea, “You’d do that for a stranger?”

You let out a small laugh, “Yeah...I’d do that for a stranger. Come on, I’m letting all the hot air out.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” he said slipping inside of the building. He watched as you got your mail, you’d been too distracted by him to do it before. Then he snatched up your bag of groceries before you could, “I’ll carry them. It��s the least I could do.”

“I guess, if you really want to.” you grinned walking over to the stairs.

“I’m Hoseok, by the way.”

You let out a little hum and nodded, “Nice to meet you, Hoseok. I’m y/n.”

Inside your apartment you brought the groceries to the kitchen and told Hoseok to make himself at home as you started the water for the tea. As you waited for the water to heat up you peeked around the corner of the kitchen and watched him as he scoped out your living room. He looked cozy in his old, oversized, black hoodie and a pair of gray sweatpants. You let yourself imagine, just for a moment, how nice it would be to get back into your pajamas and curl up on the couch with him. Luckily the whistle of your tea kettle woke you from your fantasy and you slipped back into the kitchen.

When you came back into the living room with the tea he was sitting in front of your record collection, flipping through the old vinyls. He looked up at you with a smile, “This is really cool.”

You handed him one of the cups and sat down on the floor with him, “It was mostly inheritance from my dad. I’ve picked up a handful here and there, but it was mostly his thing.”

“Can I put something on?” he asked hopefully.

“Sure.” you shrugged and while he flipped through the records you crawled over to the couch and started tossing throw pillows onto the floor in front of the record player.

After you crawled back over you laid on your back with your head on one of the pillows and closed your eyes. You weren’t entirely surprised when the first song started to play. It was one he’d played often when he came over to your place before. A well worn compilation of vintage soul songs, it had been your dads favorite record too. Hoseok laid down on his stomach, tucking a pillow under his chest, and held the tea you’d made in his hands.

When you opened your eyes he was looking down at you with a curious smile, “Is this okay?”

“This is really nice. I like it.” you nodded.

You watched him for awhile as he bobbed his head and moved his shoulders to the beat of the songs, taking sips every now and then of the tea in his hands. He looked happy and content. You thought to ask him what he was thinking about but didn’t want to bother him. When he was warm from the tea he moved his pillow so that he could rest his head on it. Then you watched each other quietly as the music played in the background.  

“Did you ever figure out what you came here for?” you asked.

He smiled shyly and turned his face into the pillow for a second before looking back at you, “Yeah, I think I did.”  

~~~

Minhyuk smirked when he saw you walk into the bar that evening. Without offering you a greeting he started making your usual drink as you found a seat.

“I see you changed your mind.” He said sliding the glass in front of you. “That didn’t last long at all.”

You gulped down a mouthful of the drink and placed your glass back on the bar. “Don’t boast, it doesn’t suit you.”

“What changed your mind?” He asked leaning against the bar top.

“Hoseok.” You answered simply.

“Speaking of, he’s not here tonight. He’s off today.”

“Yeah, I know. I saw him earlier. We spent a couple of hours together.” You cleared your throat, “That’s why I’m here to see you, we need to talk. Something is changing with him.”

“Something good or something bad?”

“Good. I think.” You said, “He came to me today.”

“He usually does make the first move.”

“No, he found me. I didn’t seek him out or make myself available to him somewhere. I got home from the store and he was standing in front of my apartment. He had no idea why he was there, but he came to me. If you really didn’t send him to my work like you say you didn’t, that means it’s the second time this week he’s done that.”

“Hold that thought.” he said and moved down the bar to the customer that had just sat down.

You wondered what it meant, if it was possible it meant that he was getting more memories back. How could he have known where to go if it weren’t for some subconscious memory trying to make its way to the surface. If that was the case then it meant there was finally a sliver of hope that you could hang onto and that’s all you’d really needed all along. A vision of a light at the end of the tunnel.

“Okay.” Minhyuk said sliding back over to you, “I want to get into the Hoseok thing, that’s important, but I also need you to clarify what the hell you were talking about the other day when you said you were done. Can you tell me now without crying? Hoseok seemed to think you were, I don’t know, the way he described it just sounded like you were horny, to be honest.”

Your cheeks burned red as he smirked at you. “No… that’s not… not exactly. I mean, okay, yes. I am… horny or whatever, but it was more than that. It is more than that. I have feelings for him and he can’t have feelings for me because he can’t even remember me. And yes, sometimes I want to kiss him and more-”

Minhyuk snorted, “Kiss him and more. Are you five?”

“Shut up.” you rolled your eyes, “I want more from him but everyday is the first day we’ve met for him and there’s no good way to try sleep with someone an hour after you’ve met.”

“You’ve spent all this time with him and never asked him to smash?”

“No!” you gasped, mortified, “Total time, yes we’ve spent a lifetime together, but he doesn’t know that. From his point of view every time we meet it’s the first time and it’s only for like three or four hours max. No one is just going to ask a stranger to have sex with them a few hours after they’ve met.”

He scoffed, fully amused at your assumption. “Uhhh, false. Guys will. Guys will have sex with women within minutes of meeting them.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“Men are disgusting and I’m a man, so you’re not wrong.” he shrugged and leaned against the bar. He knocked his knuckles against the wood rhythmically as he thought. “How many dates did you go on before you guys originally hooked up?”

“Well,” you flushed slightly. “It was...the first...date.”

He raised his eyebrows at you, “Then what’s the issue? Just make a move already.”

“It was different that day!” you argued. “We met early in the morning and ended up spending all day together. We were with each other for over twelve hours by the time we got to his place. So it was like we’d gone on three dates, just all at one time”

“Okay, then just do that again.” he said as if it was the obvious answer, “It’s not like we haven’t fabricated all of your other dates.”

“This one we can’t. The day we met we were both going to a festival. That’s why it worked out the way it did. It’s not like there are festivals happening all day everyday just because I need one.“

“Festival?” Minhyuk asked looking suspicious. “What kind of festival was this?”

“Just a music festival down by River Park.”

“Bullshit,” he laughed, “Hoseok would never go to a music festival. He hates that crap. He doesn’t even like to go to regular concerts. He thinks they’re a waste of time and money.”

“Well I don’t know what to tell you. He was there with me all day.”

“Who mentioned this festival first, you or him?” he asked, clearly not letting it go.

“I don’t know, it was like four years ago!” you said shaking your head, but then you realized you did remember. “It was me. I was wearing  some dumb outfit and he said ‘looks like you’re going somewhere fun’ and I told him about the festival, it’s how we started talking actually.”

“Hoseok, you sly dog.” Minhyuk grinned, “I’d bet a million and a half dollars he didn’t even know about the festival until he met you.”

You shook your head in denial, “He had a ticket.”

“A ticket he could have purchased online, day of the event, using his phone?” your face scrunched in confusion. “It didn’t seem weird to you that he was going alone or not meeting anyone there?”

“Not at all, because I was going to go by myself before I met him that day.”

Minhyuk stopped and looked at you for a long while. It was like he was looking at you for the first time. You squirmed uncomfortably under his lingering gaze. You reached over the bar and grabbed an olive before throwing it at him. “Oh my god, what?

“I can’t believe it took me so long to realise it. It’s so clear, everything makes so much more sense now.”

“What is clear? Make your weird little brain make sense to me!” you complained.

“Hoseok was in love with you from day fucking one.” he chuckled to himself, “It’s why he always finds you. Subconsciously he has to remember. I knew, I knew all we needed was you. We just have to figure out what to do with it.”

“In love with me? Are you kidding? We weren’t even dating.”

“You went to dinner together. You watched movies together. You went to festivals together. You made him dinner and he bought you birthday presents. Oh, and you had sex regularly...What the hell do you call that?”

“Nothing!” you argued, “We didn’t call it anything. That was the point. We didn’t have time for dating and feelings. We were just friends with benefits.”

“Well.” Minhyuk sighed, “We learned two things today. One piece of good news, one piece of bad news.

“Yeah, what’s that?” you asked taking a drink.

“Bad news is you’re a totally useless idiot. Good news is I wasn’t the last one on earth to figure out you two were in fact dating and also in love with each other.”

You rolled your eyes yet again, your favorite thing to do when Minhyuk was around really, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Get your head in the game, y/n!” he said reaching over the bar and dramatically strangling the the air in front of your neck, “He’s in love with you, you’re in love with him. Let’s figure out how to fix this mess!”

~~~

Your hands were shaking as you stood in line for coffee at your favorite cafe. It had taken Minhyuk all of ten minutes to come up with a plan and even though you weren’t sure it was going to work you also didn’t have any better ideas. It also wouldn’t hurt to try considering Hoseok would just forget by tomorrow if everything went to hell. He was standing in line ahead of you getting his coffee, his phone pressed between his shoulder and his ear. You said a silent prayer as he thanked the barista and turned around to leave.

“I’m literally right across the street. It doesn’t make sense for me to not come in today.” He was still on the phone, with who you knew was Minhyuk. As he got closer you took a deep breath and stepped to the side just a few inches. His shoulder crashed into yours. There was the sound of a splash and then he said, “Shit, Min. I gotta go.”

You turned towards him and touched his forearm lightly, “Oh my god, are you okay? I’m so sorry!”

He looked from your hand to your face where he stared for quite some time, just blinking at you. “No. Yeah! I’m fine, did I get you with my coffee?”

“Um,” you looked down at your outfit, “My shoes a little but that’s okay. I’m really sorry.”

“Please,” he shook his head, “It was entirely my fault. I was on my phone, not paying attention.”

“Even still, please let me get you another coffee. Do you have a minute to wait with me?”

Hoseok looked down at the phone in his hand, Minhyuk had said not to come in today, that he wasn’t needed. Looking back up at you he smiled, “Yeah. I have all day actually.”

“Awesome!” You beamed, “I’m going to go get something to clean this up with. Stay here for just a minute, save our place in line?”

“Of course.”

You let out a deep breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding as you stepped away. Phase one of Minhyuk’s plan was right on track.

According to Minhyuk phase one was equal to the first date. A “meet cute at the coffee shop” he’d called it. You were impressed at how everything had happened exactly like he said it would. After the mess was cleaned up and you bought Hoseok his new coffee you asked if he’d wanted to sit with you awhile and he was thrilled by the idea. Four hours of effortless conversation passed. Part of you didn’t even want to move on to phase two, you’d been so happy with how phase one was turning out. Even if you would have been fine joking around and laughing with him in that cafe for four more hours, you moved on with the plan.

Phase two, or date two, was the fall festival down at the park where the original music festival had been. Minhyuk had found out about it after thirty seconds of googling and made a terrible joke about how you’d been wrong when you said there weren’t festivals whenever you needed them. It wasn’t the same exact thing as your first first date, but it could still be a lot of fun if he agreed to it.  You asked Hoseok if he’d heard about the festival and when he said no you asked, ‘even though you’d just met’, if he wanted to go check it out with you. He agreed immediately and the two of you walked down to River Park. A true gentleman, he bought your entrance ticket but you only let him do it after he promised to let you buy him a corndog.

For hours you walked around the festival. You did some people watching, lots of judging and even more laughing. You got on some sketchy looking festival rides and felt grateful every time you walked off of them in one piece. And you ate way too much fried food. Your latest culinary decision had been a pumpkin spice funnel cake and a hot chocolate. Hoseok drank hot apple cider while eating his second corndog of the day. His was a combination you couldn’t get behind entirely, but he seemed to be enjoying it and you loved to see the smile on his face.  

As the two of you walked down the midway you tore a piece of your funnel cake and held it up to his mouth, “So good, try it.”

You bit your lip as he leaned forward and wrapped his lips around your fingers before sucking the treat into his mouth. He hummed as you pulled your hand away, “There’s so much delicious, horrible food here and I must eat it all. Why?”

“I don’t know,” you laughed, taking another bite, “Isn’t it the best?”

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” he pointed enthusiastically across the way from where you were standing to one of those balloon and dart games. “There. We have to go over there.”

You groaned, “Those are just money traps. Let’s go to the fun house!”

“After.” he said grabbing your wrist and pulling you across the crowded midway with determination.

Very politely he asked you to hold his apple cider and you obliged. He shoved the rest of his corndog in his mouth, and was standing with it bulging from his cheek as he dug out his wallet. You watched as he exchanged his cash for three darts. In a manner that was all too serious for you he took his stance. His tongue was sticking out of the side of his mouth as he eyed one of the balloons. One out of three balloons had popped, winning him a tiny plastic toy. Apparently that wasn’t what he wanted because he pulled out more cash from his wallet and exchanged it for more darts.  

It was clear after sometime that you were not going to be leaving that game until he got whatever it was he was after. In the time it was taking you finished your funnel cake and neither of you had a drink left. You’d even left at one point to find a trash, found a clown making balloon animals and purchased a balloon crown. When you finally came back he was still going and you put the crown on his head and told him it was good luck. There was a growing pile in front of him of very cheaply made, small and medium toys. Things were getting tense as he was down to his last few bills.

“What are you even after?” you asked curiously as he received another bunch of darts.

“You’ll see.” he took his first shot, the dart bursting through a red latex balloon. He got the second one too, blue balloon bits exploding with a pop! With a contemplative sigh he looked over at you and asked very seriously, “Yellow or green?”

“Green.” you answered quickly and confidently.

He focused ahead and took a deep breath before throwing the last dart. The point of the dart blasted through the green latex balloon and you couldn’t help but scream out in excitement. You laughed as Hoseok turned and lifted you off the ground to spin you around.

“You did it!” you exclaimed as he put you back down.

“Great,” the carny said with much less enthusiasm. “Toad or bunny?”

“Bunny.” He smiled, leaving his arm around your hip as he waited for his prize.

Both of you watched as the carny grabbed his long hooked stick and hoisted it into the mess of stuffed toads and bunnies above his head. He gave it a little jiggle and the huge bunny in his little velvet vest with his tiny bowtie tumbled from the sky.

“All of this because you wanted a bunny?” You asked shaking your head.

“No.” He handed you the bunny and smiled, “I don’t need a bunny, I am a bunny. The bunny is for you so can take him home and think of me when you see him.”

Your mouth fell in awe and amusement. He was such an incredible flirt and you weren’t sure when you’d started taking that for granted. Giving the bunny a tight squeeze you remembered that he had in fact told you he was a bunny when you’d first met and that he’d said to be gentle with him. At the time you’d thought he was just joking, but you’d been learning more and more that despite his manly physique he was the softest, sweetest man you’d ever met.  

“You’re keeping all of them?” You asked genuinely surprised as he scooped up the whole stack of smaller prizes in his arm.”

“No, not keeping them, but I did pay for them”  he looked over at you and smiled, pleased by the way you were holding onto the stuffed bunny. “Fun house?”

As you made your way down the midway once more, headed towards the fun house, you watched him as he passed out his stack of prizes to kids he saw along the way until his arms were empty. When that was done he threw his freed arm over your shoulder and you blushed into your fluffy, oversized gift. Phase two - second date, was going flawlessly.

~~~

With your arms wrapped tightly around your bunny you stood face to face with Hoseok in front of the exit gates of the festival. People were swarming around you as they tried to leave. Broke teenage couples that spent too much money cheap trinkets and rides all day, parents with pink cheeked toddlers crashed out against their shoulders. You tugged your lip between your teeth, it was time to initiate phase three - date three.

“So…” you said slowly, this was the one you were least certain he’d agree to.  “I know it’s late and we’ve already spent all day together. You’re probably tired of me and want to go home but...my friend is spinning at a club a few blocks away. If you’re at all interested in spending even more time with me, I can get us in. No wait, no cover, maybe free drinks?”

“Ummm.” you were trembling, so nervous he was going to say no. “I was actually trying to think of an excuse to spend more time with you myself, so I would love to go.”

“Oh.” you sighed with relief. You felt warm all over despite the chill of the fall air. “Well, good.”

Before the two of you even got passed the gates he’d scooped up your hand in his and you led him the few blocks to the busy club. There was a line that wrapped around the corner of the building of people waiting to get into the club, but you dragged Hoseok, and Bunho, who Hoseok had named for you, to the front of the line. You dropped your name and were let in without a seconds worth of waiting. You could still hear the groans of the line outside as you walked into the building.

Inside the club was packed from wall to wall. You squeezed Hoseok’s hand as you led him to the DJ booth, laughing to yourself as people stared at the giant stuffed bunny in your arms. In the booth you were greeted by your old friend Hyungwon. He’d met Hoseok before plenty of times but you weren’t worried about him remembering as he met hundreds of people a night and was usually already tipsy before his sets even started. If you didn’t meet him outside of a club he was never going to remember you. After giving Hoseok a friendly handshake, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug as a greeting and told you how happy he was you could make it. He handed over two neon green wristbands that were good for free drinks at the bar, and he promised to take care of Bunho in the booth while you had fun.

“Will you dance with me?” You asked against Hoseok's ear  once you were on the crowded dance floor.

He looked so tense, but he nodded in agreement anyway. You tried several different moves in an attempt to get him to loosen up but you could tell he wasn’t feeling it yet.

Remembering the wristbands you put one in his wrist and the other on yours before shoving him to the bar. There the two of you indulged in several shots of top shelf tequila and a couple of mixed drinks. Within no time at all you both were in the best of spirits and you couldn’t shake the urge you had to dance. You asked again if he wanted to dance and this time he nodded enthusiastically

He held your hips as you both made your way back to the dance floor. It was a tight fit all around but you found a decent spot near the back where there was actually enough space to move. His cheeks and the tips of his ears were pink from the alcohol as he danced with you in the crowded club. You were glad he’d finally loosened up and seemed to be having fun.

You danced for what felt like hours and you wanted nothing more than to keep going. The pair of you jumped around, arms flailing recklessly through the air. He grabbed your hand and twirled you around under his arm several times.

Then he spun you out and pulled you back into his arms. Your heart was pounding in your chest, your chest pressed against his. Both of you were short of breath. Everyone around you kept dancing while he held you close. Not moving, not speaking, barely breathing. Your fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt and you leaned in just slightly, testing the waters. He leaned towards you, until your sweaty foreheads were pressed together. Your eyes hadn’t left his lips, but you were hesitating and you were sure why.

“Are you gonna kiss me or what?” He grinned.

That was the invitation you’d apparently needed. Pulling on his shirt you tugged him that half an inch closer until your lips were pressed together. You smiled against his mouth. Really pressing yourself into him, you lifted your hands from his chest to his hair. His tongue brushed against your mouth and you let him in. You tried not to cry as you thought about how this was happening. Not some sad pity kiss in the park. A kiss you both wanted and were clearly enjoying. It felt so damn good. One of his hands slid up your back and cupped the back of your neck. You thought for a moment how you’d be okay doing this and only this for the rest of your life.

That only lasted until Hoseok pulled away from your lips and leaned close to your ear to whisper, “Do you want to get out of here?”

That one single question had an implication that left fireworks going off in the pit of your stomach.

~~~

The walk back to Hoseok’s place wouldn’t have taken that long. Even still he hailed the first cab he saw once you were out on the sidewalk outside of the club, not wanting to waste any more time. He’d pulled you into his lap in the backseat where you kissed the entire ride. In the elevator ride you stood on opposite sides. He held onto the bar behind him as he smiled over at you, anxiously tapping his leg. You peeked at him from between Bunho’s big ears, squeezing the bunny close to your chest. You couldn’t help but giggle at the feeling of anticipation running through you.

Once the elevator opened Hoseok was blasting passed you through the door, gripping your wrist tightly and leading you down the long hallway. You said a silent prayer that he’d get the code right the first time and almost cheered out loud when he did. Finally inside, your purse and giant stuffed bunny were left by the wayside as he pulled your hips towards his own.

His hands slid down your ass and backs of your legs until he’d hooked his arms around your legs to pull them around his waist. You had released several moans into his mouth. The way your body was reacting to his made you feel like he might as well already be inside you. You were feverish, and aching all over for more of him. So close to the release you’d been needing.

“You gotta…” he panted, pulling away from you slightly, “stop making that noise. My jeans are already too tight for that.”

“I can't stop.” You groaned again. Your hands fisted his hair. He let out some guttural noise and pulled away again gasping for air. And you whined, “God, I fucking missed you.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” You whispered against his ear before pulling it between your teeth, the way you knew he liked. His whole body shuddered and he slammed your back against the wall for leverage to keep from dropping to his knees. You dropped your legs from his waist to give him a break and he pressed his freed palms against the wall beside your head.

“How are you real?” He questioned as he rested his head against your neck, gasping desperately for air.

“Maybe I’m not.” You panted out your own reply.

“Okay..” he sighed, “I gotta get to that bed.”

Hooking his arms around your thighs he lifted you back up around his waist. You cupped his face in your hands, sucking his swollen lips between yours fervently while he danced the two of you the rest of the way down the hall. The mattress took you by surprise when he dropped you onto it. Hoseok stayed standing. You watched, your tongue passing over your lips, as he stepped back and unbuttoned his shirt before untucking it from his jeans.

You wanted to scream with excitement at the sight. It was really happening, after months and months. First months of thinking he’d just abandoned you. And then the ones you’d spent trying to get him to remember you. It was about to happen, you were here again with him and everything felt somewhat normal. Felt like it had before, when it was you and him, and everything was good.

When you focused back on him you realized he’d gotten down to just his tight black underwear and you gulped at the defined bulge. Feeling impatient you stood up, grabbed his face in your hands, and kissed him hard. He whimpered when you drug your nails down his chest.

“Sit down.” You muttered into his lips, “It’s my turn.”

He sat on the end of the bed and watched you with a giant, beautiful smile on his lips. You pulled your shirt over your head and immediately his eyes were wide. With a little chuckle, feeling quite proud of yourself, you unbuttoned your shorts and dragged them down your legs. When you stood back up Hoseok had his hand on his chest.

“I can’t…” he looked at you with wonder, “I can’t breathe.”

“Please, I’m not that special.” You laughed, thinking he was joking.

He shook his head, “No..I...I don’t know.. I can’t-“

“Hoseok…” you stepped forward and grabbed his shoulders. He looked like he was having a legitimate panic attack. “Oh my god.”

He grasped at you with both hands pulling you forward by your hips. He pressed his cheek against your bare stomach and begged you, “Hold me. Hold-hold me, please.”

Hunching over you wrapped an arm tight around his shoulders, and with the other you massaged his head. “I’ve got you. You’re okay. Just breathe, I’m right here.”

It took a couple of  minutes for him to stop shaking, a little longer after that for his breathing to be steady, and then he was back to normal. He threw his head back and looked up at you. He looked so embarrassed, “I swear that’s never happened before.”

“Are you okay? What happened?” You asked placing a gentle palm against his flushed cheek.

“I saw you and...it’s so cheesy...I guess you just took my breath away.” He sighed, “It was something else though. I can’t explain it right, you won’t get it. I know we just met and this is the first time I’ve ever seen you like this but there was this overwhelming… it was like flashes of you, in front of me like you were but not now, not this moment. It wasn’t deja vu. It was like memories.”

You bit your lip unsure of how to handle what was happening. No one had told you what to do if his memory started to return like this. Were you supposed to explain everything to him? Risk him having another panic attack. If he had questions you weren’t sure you’d have the answers. “Should we stop?”

“God no.” He muttered, he was looking up at you with big doe eyes. “I mean, I don’t want to stop, but if I made you uncomfortable…”

You held out your hand to him and when he took it you pulled him to his feet. You planted a kiss against his lips before dropping to your knees. His eyebrows raised in pleasant surprise. As he stood before you, you tugged his black underwear from his hips, dragging them down his legs. He was already fully erect, his tip glistening.

Moving your hands back up his legs you could feel what you thought was scarring. You wondered if he even knew it was there, how often did someone look at the backs of their own legs. Trying your best to be inconspicuous you leaned in close to his hip and left a soft kiss. From that angle, looking down, you could see the scar. It looked pink and fresh, starting at his hip and following the length of his leg all the way to his ankle.

You rested your forehead against the top of his thigh, trying to keep yourself composed. Every reminder that you could have lost him for good had a bad habit of nearly breaking your heart.

His fingers traced you jaw to your chin and he lifted your face to look at his. “Are you okay? Do you want to stop?”

You shook your head and gave him a small smile, “Hoseok...you’re so beautiful.”

He tried to play it off but you could see very clearly on his face how much he appreciated the praise. You leaned back on your heels. And ran your hands down his inner thighs. He shuddered underneath your touch. Wrapping your hand around his length you leaned forward and swirled your tongue slowly around the tip. You grinned, seeing the muscles in his abdomen clench from the small action.

After one more teasing swirl, you took him into your mouth completely. Hands gripping his hips, you looked up at him through batted lashes. His breathing was tense already, and you wondered what he was thinking about as you sucked your cheeks in. You would have never guessed how desperately he was begging himself not to explode in your mouth after only a minute of your lips wrapped around him. He didn’t know why he was so sensitive, he didn’t know it had actually been a year since the last time he’d had sex.

He palmed your cheek as you bobbed back and forth along his length. Your tongue swirling around him simultaneously and you offered the perfect amount of teeth. The slightest dragging sensation that made his eyes roll back. Professional, was all he could think to himself as he gasped helplessly above you. You watched the heave of his chest, paired with the trembling if his thighs under your hands, and you knew he was close. He closed his eyes and you though for a second this was it.

Instead he pulled his hips away from you and panted out, “Stop. Wait. Fuck.”

“Are you okay?” You asked still concerned over his reaction earlier.

“Yeah I just…” he didn't know how to, or really want to, try and explain the comedic way he was imagining his orgasm would look. Feeling like he was going to blast out like a firehose, spraying your face relentlessly. You running away terrified. Him never seeing you again.

“Hoseok?”

“Just...come here.” He said with a smile and helped pull you to your feet. He kissed across your cheek and down your neck before whispering against your earlobe, “I want to taste you.”

That was a good enough reason for you. An anticipatory groan fell from your lips with such gusto that you felt embarrassed, wishing you could somehow take it back. However, Hoseok loved how much you wanted him back. With his hands on your hips he spun you around so your legs were backed against the bed. He kissed down your neck, across your collarbone and over your shoulder. His hands moving around you for just a moment before you were released from your bra.

You wanted to say something about the ease with which he removed your bra but the dark look in his eyes as he leaned back and slipped your straps from your shoulders left you incapable of saying anything at all. Your lip trapped between your teeth as he leaned forward once more to kiss and suck at the sensitive skin. His mouth left a moist trail all the way down your abdomen to the elastic band of your lace panties. His fingers hooked onto them on both sides of your hips and he tugged until you were completely naked in front of him.

“Sit.” He commanded. You did so easily, your legs bordering on the consistency of jello as it were. He knelt down in front of the edge of the bed and m propped your knees open in front of him. You were leaning back on your elbows, watching him as he dragged his fingers along your sex and smirked, “Hey, y/n…”

“What?” You asked breathlessly.

“You’re so beautiful.” Still smirking he leaned forward and buried himself in you.

Your arms fell weak and you crashed back against the bed as he worked you with his mouth. Just the swirl and dip of his tongue, and the way his lips wrapped around your clit, it was all you needed. In just minutes you were so close. And then he slipped his finger inside of you, then suddenly it was two pressing deep and curling as he pulled them out.

“Hoseok,” you gasped, “I-“

You couldn’t speak, you could barely breathe. Not much more than a mess beneath his touch. With a whimper you reached between your legs, running your fingers through his hair. Your toes curled and your back arched against the sheets. Eyes rolling back, you gushed around his fingers and onto his lips. The sound he made as he lapped up your orgasm nearly had you coming a second time.

When he was done he moved on to the bed, between your legs, crawling up your body until your lips were clashing together. You ran your hands up his back, your fingertips tracing the muscles in his shoulders. Pulling away from your lips he shuddered and leaned back in to kiss down your neck, his lips sucking greedily at your clavicle. Goosebumps raised across your skin from the gentle way he dragged his fingers over your body.

“Please,” you begged with a gulp. It was too much. He was too much.

You opened your hips beneath him as further invitation. He pushed himself up further, to get a better look at you. He ran his hand over your cheek and dipped his tongue out over his lips. His dark bangs were hanging away from his face and when he looked at you, you could have sworn he knew you. Not just knew you today, but knew you deeper than that. It was like he knew you were his. It took every ounce of self-restraint you had in your body not to tell him then and there how much you loved him.

He reached down between your legs and keeping your eyes locked with his he fitted himself against you. “You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

Your head fell back as he eased inside of you, the feeling was euphoric on a hundred different levels. His forehead pressed against your neck, and tiny grunts escaped his lips. You dug your nails into skin of his shoulders and dragged them down his back.

“God...damn” he gasped before digging his teeth into your skin.

“Over.” you said against his neck.

He rolled over on the mattress, taking you with him. You pushed yourself up, sitting back against his thighs. His hair was a mess and you were sure yours was even worse off. After some slight adjustment you sunk back down onto him and satisfied with the fill you sighed and looked down at him. As your hips rounded on him you moved your hands over his chest. The dip of his collarbones, the rise of his pecs. His hands gripped your thighs so your eyes followed his arms. Fingers to strong hands, hands to tightly flexed forearms, forearms to bulging biceps, and then just his smiling face looking up at you like you were everything.

“What?” he asked as you let out a small half laugh, half moan.

You shook your head, “Nothing, it’s so stupid.”

He moved his hands up to your hips to make sure you kept your pace as he lifted his own hips up until you were gasping from the fill. “Tell me.”

“It’s just,” you blushed from embarrassment, “you’re so sexy.”

He shook with laughter beneath you and the vibrations left you whimpering. You laughed at the sensation of it and he laughed with you.

You fell forward and giggled through tiny gasps, “Stop...laughing,”

“Why?” he asked, “It feels so good.”

“I know, but I’m gonna cum, and it’s not funny.” you groaned as he chuckled again.

“You’re right,” he said and your stomach tightened at the way he dropped the smile from his face. He moved his hand between your thighs and circled his finger against your clit, “I will take your orgasms very seriously from now on.”

“Oh. Oh my god!” your eyes blew wide as you hit your second orgasm for the night, “Hoseok, fuck!”

He squeezed his eyes shut, his nose scrunched up and he bit his lip as the pulsing from your orgasm brought him to his own. Breathless and exhausted you rested against his chest. You could have fallen asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

~~~

That night you didn’t let yourself fall asleep next to Hoseok, even though a big part of you wanted to. The winning part of your mind couldn’t stop imagining how terrible the next morning would go when he woke up with a stranger in his bed. Especially after the breakdown he’d already had, you just weren’t sure how he’d handle it. So that night you made up some excuse about needing to be up early the next day and went home with just Bunho to keep you company. Then you did it again. Three more times. Three more day long dates with Hoseok that ended in some of the best sex you’d ever had in your life. Each time you ended up being too afraid to stay for fear of what might happen the next morning, despite the fact that every time he’d asked you to stay.

After the fifth daylong date you found yourself dozing off. You’d been laying with your head on his chest, and he was running his fingers over your bare skin. He’d been humming a song for a while, though you couldn’t figure out which one it was. All you knew was that it was soothing. Hitting that moment when you’re just about to truly fall asleep your eyes flew open.

“I really need to get out of here.” you sighed, pushing yourself up and out of his arms.

“What? No, why?” he asked grabbing your hand, “Stay with me, I don’t mind.”

“I can’t.” you looked over at him almost annoyed at how effortlessly handsome he was being. How effortlessly handsome he always was. “You won’t want me here in the morning.”

“Why? What happens in the morning?” he asked brushing your cheek with his thumb.

“Nothing, you’ll just change your mind.”

You sank back down onto the pillow next to his and looked over at him. You didn’t want to leave, and were less worried now that you were feeling wide awake. He placed his hand against your cheek. He locked eyes with you and you couldn’t look away. His face was so serious, the slightest pout on his pink lips. Your heart was beating impossibly fast.

“Stop.” you said gently, trying to match his calm energy.

“Stop what?” he asked raising a single eyebrow, looking almost innocent.

“Looking at me with your face.” he laughed and you felt yourself sink further into the bed at the sound. “Looking at me like you know my soul.”

“You think I don’t?” he asked seriously, quirking his head to the side slightly. “You don’t feel it?”

Tingles shot across every inch of your bare skin. “Feel what?”

“Feel like you’ve known me forever? I feel like I know you already.” he dropped his hand from where it had been cupping your face to your hand and squeezed your fingers, “Stay. Please?”

“Okay,” you agreed, “but only until you fall asleep and then I’m taking off.”

He smiled, pleased with himself, and moved his hand under the sheets. “Are you challenging me to an all nighter?”

“Hoseok!” you shrieked with laughter, feeling his fingers slip between your thighs. You shoved his shoulder but the action barely moved him.

“Come on.” he said leaning close, burying his nose in your neck, “Let me work you so hard you can’t even feel your legs. Then you’ll have to stay with me.”

You let out a half laugh, half groan. Laugh because of the way his breath tickled all the way down your throat, and groan from the feeling of his fingers slipping inside of you, slowly.

With a weak conviction you choked out, “You can try...I guess, but it won’t work.”

Hoseok’s stamina hadn’t been something you’d considered. His plan had worked and you fell asleep while you were still in his arms after the second round of the night.

Shocked was an understatement of how he felt the next morning as he woke up with his arms around you. For a moment he didn’t recognize you, he didn’t remember bringing anyone home or what he’d done the night before that could have lead him forgetting everything that brought him to this moment. A groan fell from your lips as if, even in your sleep, you could tell he wasn’t close enough anymore. You rolled over so that the two of you were face to face and your hand found his waist under the sheets. He was wide eyed and anxious, as he looked down at you, afraid you were going to wake up and he wasn’t going to know you.

Slowly and quietly, in hopes that he wouldn’t wake you, Hoseok brushed the hair away that had fallen in your face. His breath caught in his chest as he started to remember, a smile spread slowly across his face. He leaned in and pressed a kiss against the exposed skin of your neck, then another and another until you were squirming beneath him.

“What are you doing?” you groaned as his lips tickled your neck.

“I’m awake, y/n. I need attention.” he whined.

Not ready to wake up, you kept your eyes closed as you moved your hand up the warmth of his back. The sheets were so soft and his hands were so strong, gripping your hip. Everything felt so normal. Hoseok was awake and he remembered who you were.

Hoseok was awake and remembered who you were. Your eyes flew open and you sat up in bed taking in a quick gasp of air.

“What’s wrong?” Hoseok asked, “Did you forget where you were?”

Biting your lip, you looked over at him stretched out over the white bedding. Not where, you thought to yourself, but when.

“Yeah,” you smiled and laid back down, “or something like that, but just for a second.”

He hummed and slipped his arms around you, pulling you closer. “You were wrong, by the way.”

“About?” You asked, so comfortable you could have fallen back asleep.

“You said I’d change my mind about wanting you here.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t.”

It hadn’t been completely intentional, but the two of you spent the rest of the day together. Most of the day was spent in bed, which you’d had few complaints about. Later in the afternoon, ever the gentleman, Hoseok drew a bath for you to enjoy while he went down the street to pick up some food. You knew he’d probably intended on you staying relaxed in the water for longer than you did but you found yourself a little too restless to stay still for too long. For a while you meandered his apartment, not really looking for anything since you’d mostly seen all of it before. Back in his bedroom you raided his drawers finding the oversized sweater you’d seen him in and a pair of boxers, which surprised you since you’d never seen him wear them before. You dressed yourself in your findings and continued to walk around the apartment as you brushed your hair with his comb.

When he finally returned he found you in the cupboard searching for something unhealthy to snack on and disappointed that there was nothing. He’d brought back...everything. Hoseok realized when he’d gotten downstairs that he had never asked what you might want, so he just went to a bunch of places and hoped that he’d gotten something you’d like. Luckily, all of it was stuff you liked. Together you took refuge on the couch and devoured nearly every bite of food he brought home. As the hours ticked by and the afternoon inched into the evening you started to worry again. Worry that you’d have to leave him soon and that if, or more likely when, you finally did he’d only forget you again. However, as your movie binging, makeout marathoning continued on his couch, he never once asked you to leave. He didn’t even suggest it. Instead, as you tucked into him, what he did was run his hand up and down your back until you’d fallen asleep on his chest.  

It surprised you when Hoseok wanted to spend the next day with you as well. This time the two of you actually left the apartment. You’d gone to enjoy a late brunch. Afterwards you strolled around downtown. You stopped at several department stores to warm up but mostly you liked to go into designer boutiques and guess the prices of their ugliest pieces. Once your cheeks were permanently sore from laughing he brought you home, stopping on the way to grab dinner.

Sitting across the table from him made you sad because you realized that you couldn’t continue to spend all your time with him. This had been the longest amount of time you’d ever spent with him, even before the accident you were never really together for more than a couple hours, a day at the longest. You’d imagined you’d have gotten tired of him or he would have gotten bored of you. You thought, especially since you’d relived the beginning of your relationship a hundred times already, that he wouldn’t have anything new to offer but he kept you on your toes.

You stuffed your mouth with rice and curry, to avoid having to answer any questions about the change in your mood. You were just sad imagining being alone and worried that the second you left he would forget you and you’d have to restart this whole process over again.

When you finally told him you had to leave he looked equally sad. You knew it that it would be awhile until you could see him again. The event at your work was happening this week and you were going to be outrageously busy until it was over. You’d told him it would be at least a week until you’d be free to see him again. When you told him that he kissed you for a really long time in front of the cab he’d called for you. You were sure that if the meter wasn’t already running that the driver would have left you on the sidewalk, your mouths glued together.

He sighed when he finally pulled away, “Do you think that’s enough for a week?”

“No.” You laughed, “That’s not enough for even a day.”

“Glad you agree.” He grinned and leaned in to kiss your cheek. “We’ll just have a lot to catch up on when we see each other.”

“Coffee right?” You asked, “The cafe where we met. Sunday morning.”

“Sunday morning.” He confirmed.

“You won’t forget?”

He shook his head, “I won’t forget.”

“Hoseok,” you said in a whisper. He raised his eyebrows expectantly, “don’t forget me, okay? Promise you won’t forget me.”

“How could I ever forget you?” He laughed like it was ludicrous.

“Just, please. I know it sounds silly but will you just promise me?” you basically begged.

“Hey…” he cupped your cheeks in his hands and smiled brightly, “I promise, I will not forget you.”

~~~

Preparing for your work event was excruciating. It would have been regardless but it was more so because you spent every second you weren’t thinking about work thinking about Hoseok and whether or not he’d forgotten you yet. You’d removed your number from his phone before you’d left him, just in case, so if he’d wanted to get a hold of you he couldn’t. With barely a second to even eat or shower between preparations you definitely didn’t have a minute to contact Minhyuk to find out if he knew anything about Hoseok’s current memory status.

Saturday night, after the last guest left the event, the caterers drove off with their equipment, and the tables and chairs had been stacked and made ready to be picked up in the morning your shoulders finally fell with some relief. You’d been slightly worried you still wouldn’t be able to sleep before your meeting with Hoseok in the morning but your head crashed down on your pillow before you’d even taken off your heels.    

The cafe was busy for a sunday morning but you’d gotten there early and grabbed a coffee and a table. Hoseok was right on time, he looked amazing and there was nothing more you wanted to do than to kiss him but you waited instead. Waited to see what he would do when he saw you, because he always came to this cafe and him being here didn’t necessarily mean anything. For a blink you thought he was looking at you but you couldn’t be sure, and he walked passed your table to the counter without a word.

You watched out of the corner of your eye as he turned around a few minutes later, coffee in hand. It looked for a moment like he was headed straight for your table but instead he moved just passed it. He sat at a table across from you and opened his book, not unlike he had done a dozen times before. When he caught you looking at him he smiled kindly, which he’d also done plenty. You were becoming more and more certain that he’d forgotten you, like he’d definitely done before.

Feeling a little heartbroken your shoulders slumped. Part of you wondered if it was all the way back to square one, which meant hopelessness. Or, you wondered, maybe if you just spent every single moment together for the rest of your lives he’d be able to remember you. The thought alone was exhausting, but a big part of you thought you could manage it.

“I hate to bother you,” you looked up to see his smiling face, coffee in one hand and a book in the other, “but can I use that chair or are you waiting for someone?”

“Oh, go ahead, I’m not using it.”

You expected him to drag the chair away, like people usually did when they asked to use chairs, instead he sat down on the seat and placed his coffee on the table. He crossed one leg over the other before opening his book.

He grinned over at your confused face, “Sorry, I just felt like it was selfish for us to be using up two tables when we can just share this one. I won’t bother you.”

Unsure what to say you looked down at your book. You read nothing, you couldn’t focus long enough to comprehend the words. Sniffing with eyes brimmed with tears you were trying desperately not to cry out of frustration. You just wanted to stand up, grab his shoulders, and scream Remember Me!

“Rough story?” He asked.

You looked back up at him, “What?”

“I know I said I wouldn’t bother you but,” he nodded towards your book, “you look upset, pretty emotional story?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, “it’s devastating. Might be the worst love story of all time.”

“Why read it then?”

“I can’t seem to let it go, no matter how much it hurts.” You wiped your cheek and looked back down at the book.

The table fell into a comfortable silence, and you were able to calm yourself enough that you didn’t feel on the edge of an emotional breakdown. You hadn’t noticed, but Hoseok hadn’t looked back at his book. Not once. He’d been too preoccupied watching you.

After quite some time he finally leaned forward, planting his elbows on the table. “Y/n, can I ask you a question.”

“Of course.” You said looking up at him expectantly.

He looked almost sad, “Who hurt you?”

You leaned back, feeling slightly attacked by the question. “Excuse me?”

“Who hurt you?” He repeated.

Suddenly your brain seemed to start working again and your eyes went wide, “You said my name.”

“I can’t believe you really thought I’d forgotten you!” He exclaimed in disbelief, “What person on this planet made you feel so forgettable because I have a few choice words for them.”

This time you were really going to cry, but you had to keep it together. You wouldn’t just be able to explain to him why it meant so much to you that he remembered who you were. At least, you thought, you couldn’t do it without Minhyuk. He watched fascinated by how every part of you lifted and brightened in just the blink of an eye.

“You really remember me?” You asked.

“Well, I did promise you I would, didn't I?” He smirked over at you.

You bit your lip, “Tell me what you remember about me.”

He laughed and then realized you were being serious. “That’s such a weird request.”

“Please?”

“I remember a lot about you.” he looked you over for a second and dragged his bottom lip between his teeth, causing an instant blush to cross your cheeks, “like how soft your hips felt, especially when you had just gotten out of the bath. I remember how cute you looked in my sweater, and how you look even cuter when you stuff your cheeks with rice. I remember the way your hair smelled when you fell asleep on my chest. The way you taste, I remember the way all of you tastes.”

“Oh.” You let out a soft breath, not having expected that answer. He laughed at how immobile you seemed.

“I also remember that work project you had that kept us apart all week. How’d that go?”

He remembered you. So many thoughts rushed through your head, so many feelings and you felt incapable of expressing any of them properly. Instead you told him all about your hellish week before asking him about his and then making plans to spend the day together.

~~~

Minhyuk had been so thrilled by your news about Hoseok that he’d dropped the three hundred dollar bottle of tequila he’d been holding. He grabbed your face and kissed you right on the mouth he was so happy and all you could do was laugh because you knew the feeling well. The two of you discussed for a long while the best way to tell Hoseok about everything, deciding ultimately to wait until you knew for sure his memory lasting wasn’t a fluke. The decision had been Minhyuk’s. It had surprised you at first, until he explained that he’d already had to remind his best friend of the accident hundreds of times before and it never got any easier. He wanted to make sure this time it lasted.

You’d told Minhyuk to take his time, that the time of the reveal would be up to him. You had felt bad at first. It felt like you were lying to Hoseok whenever you were with him. Keeping a secret that affected him so deeply. Then weeks had passed and you found yourself too distracted by life with Hoseok. It had been three years. Three years of his demanding hands all over your body. His desperate and needy late night requests for your attention. Never spending more than a day together, rarely spending time overnight. Dates hadn’t been called dates, it was just hanging out. You had never been his girlfriend and he wasn’t your boyfriend. This time with him was different, it was better. It was date night’s and entire weekends together. And when Hoseok told you he wanted you meet Minhyuk and you asked him why he said it was because he thought it was important that his best friend and his girlfriend got along.  

After a delicious dinner at the restaurant and probably already too many drinks the three of you went back to Hoseok’s for more drinking and hanging out.

He’d been so affectionate all night. Holding your hand, kissing your shoulder, always making sure that you were comfortable and having a good time. Back at his place he’d grabbed your hand and led you over to the couch, he crashed down onto the cushions and pulled you onto his lap, “This has been the best day. Might as well be my birthday.”

“I’m glad you’re so happy, Hoseok.” You said before pressing a kiss against his cheek.

He looked over at Minhyuk who had walked over slowly, thoughtfully, “I’m glad you two get along. I hadn’t really been worried, but it was important to me.”

Min smiled at Hoseok and then looked over at you, “I think we should do it now.”

Hoseok looked between the two of you slightly confused, you leaned in and kissed his cheek once more before standing up from his lap. You weren’t sure where to go, you’d wanted to give him space but you also wanted to be there for him at the same time. Minhyuk sat beside him on the couch. Hoseok reached out, solving your dilemma for you by grabbing your hand, you weren’t going anywhere. You sat down on the edge of the coffee table in front of him.  

“What’s going on? Why does it feel so serious?” he looked over at you, he seemed almost scared so you squeezed his hand.

“Hoseok,” Minhyuk took a deep breath and exhaled, “You were in a bad accident.”

It was crushing to watch the myriad of feelings that crossed his face as Minhyuk went over all of the details of his accident, and then his recovery. He was so hurt, scared, and confused by all of it and what it meant. Tears fell down his cheeks as Minhyuk showed him pictures of his demolished car. Pictures of him bandaged and broken in the hospital bed during his coma. The stitches that had been taken out long ago and scars that were now hidden underneath the hair that had grown back. The x-rays of the plate in his leg. He squeezed your hand tightly through every step of the timeline. Finally nearing the end there were pictures of him after he’d woken up, when he was going through physical therapy. Your heart went out to Minhyuk who had retold Hoseok about his accident every single morning when he’d had panic attacks from waking up in the hospital.  

“...up until a few weeks ago you’d had short term memory loss.” Minhyuk had finished telling him almost everything he needed to know. “Since it finally seems like your memory might be sticking we thought it was time to tell you what happened again.”  

For the first time in almost an hour he dropped your hand. He ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh before looking over at you, “We didn’t just meet, did we?”

“We did, it just wasn’t for the first time.” you said in barely a whisper as Minhyuk handed him his old phone.

His forehead scrunched in confusion as he quietly scrolled through the photos on the phone, “Were we dating...before the accident?”

“Sort of. I’m starting to think we made it more complicated than it needed to be.”

“This was over years. We’ve been together for years.” he looked up at you expectantly. “Are we in love?”

“I think so.” you wiped a stray tear from your cheek, “We’ve never said it to each other but I think we are.”

The table vibrated as your leg bounced anxiously. You watched Hoseok scroll through the conversations on his phone. He spent a long time on the one he’d shared with you. It looked like he’d tried scrolling all the way back to the beginning of the conversation before reading it all out. He stared at the phone so long without moving the screen went black and he just kept staring. Finally he dropped the phone on the couch between him and Minhyuk. When he looked up at you his lips were trembling. You knew he was about to cry and you didn’t know what to say.

“Hoseok-” you started.

“You were so mad at me.” he said cutting you off.

“I didn’t know. I never would have said any of that if I’d known. I swear.”

He slipped down off of the couch in front of you and dropped his head in your lap. His arms wrapped around your waist and you could feel him crying. You looked at Minhyuk wide-eyed, unsure of what was happening, hoping he’d have something to offer but he only shrugged. You rubbed your hand over his back gently.

“I’m so sorry.” he mumbled into your lap.

Still confused and concerned you continued to rub his back, “Wait, why are you apologizing?”

“I hurt you so much. I’m so sorry.” he said as he cried even harder.

“Oh, Hoseok. No, it wasn’t your fault.”

He tightened his arms around you, pulling you closer. His face pressed against your stomach. “I almost lost you forever.”

You hunched over him awkwardly wrapping him up in a hug, “No, baby. You would have found me. You always find me.”

Minhyuk leaned back against the couch with a small smile on his face, “Physically, he is stronger than steel. Emotionally, a baby bunny.”

“Don’t listen to him.” You whispered against the top of Hoseok's head. He just squeezed you tighter.

~~~

“I can’t believe you cheated on me.” Hoseok said dropping his keys on the counter.

It had been a few weeks since you’d told him about the accident, and he’d been getting memories back ever since. Minhyuk and you told him all of the really big events that he’d forgotten and that seemed to open the gates as the rest of his memories came flooding back. More and more every day. Some of them were beneficial. Some of them, you were finding were just embarrassing for you, which Hoseok loved.

“What are you talking about?” you nearly shrieked, hanging up both of your coats on the rack.

He turned around and looked at you with raised eyebrows, “Don’t try and tell me you weren’t with other guys the entire year we were apart. You even told me you were going to sleep with that guy you were on a date with.”

“You remember that?” you asked surprised, “I barely even remembered Loey.”

“Too many notches on your bedpost?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and the tiniest smirk.

“Hoseok…”

“I however was not with anyone else,” he yelled dramatically throwing his arms in the air, “because I was in a coma!”

“It’s not funny.” you frowned, “If I could go back…”

“Yeooooosin.” he sang, pulling you into a hug. He kissed your neck in quick little pecks until you were laughing in his arms, “I’m just kidding.”

You ran your hands up his back and over his broad shoulders, squeezing him tight, “I don’t like that joke.”

He leaned back and kissed your forehead. “Okay, I’ll think of a new one.”

You hummed, with a purse of your lips at him and went into the living room where you plopped onto the couch and waited for your very attention needy boyfriend. When he finally arrived he was carrying wine glasses and a smile on his face.

“I also can’t believe you stuck it out with me. That must have been so hard. Why did you do it? For months and months.”

You looked over at him, accepting the wine glass, and laughed to yourself. “Isn’t it obvious? You have a really hot body and a lot of money.”

He clicked his tongue in annoyance, “Just confess that you love me.”

“Never.”

“Well I can’t until you do. So I guess we’re just at a standstill.” He pouted.

You took a quick gulp of wine before placing it on the coffee table. He came around, set his glass next to yours and stretched out on the couch, laying his head in your lap.

“I keep waiting for you to kick me out.” you said quietly, running your hand through his hair.

“Why would I ever kick you out? Why would I ever want this to end?”

“You have your memories back now. I figured it’s only a matter of time until you remember that we were never really like this before, and how you don’t really want to be couple-y with me.”

Hoseok popped up from your lap, and stared at you from the other side of the couch, “Yeah… I have my memory back, which means I remember you never wanted to be in a relationship with me.”

You scoffed at the accusation.” Hoseok, you said you didn’t want to really date because you were so busy with work all the time and you felt it would be unfair.”

“I only ever said that because you always told me not to get confused about what we were doing with each other.”

“Hoseok!” you practically screamed, eyes wide in shock, “I said that because I wanted you to think I was still just a chill, down girl, like I was when we met. Then, I don’t know, you made me want more. I didn’t want to scare you off with all my feelings or by being too clingy!”

“Y/n! Are you kidding me?” he screamed back in frustration.

You watched as he jumped from the couch and stormed out of the living room. As you waited you stood up, this felt like a fight and you felt too vulnerable sitting down.

He stomped back into the room with a low growl, and a small black box in his hand. “I have been in love with you forever, you idiot. I just kept waiting for you to finally get to where I was so I could tell you. Waiting for you to love me back so I could give you this!”

Your eyes went wide and your body tensed as he went to open the box but you relaxed at the sight of the brand new silver key. “Is that a house key?!”

“Yes! I love you and I want you to live with me!” you’d yelled at him so he felt it was only appropriate to yell back.

“What the hell? I’ve loved you for so long! You thought I would just hang out here for months when you didn’t even know who I was because I just wanted to be fuck buddies again?!”

“No!” he shouted, albeit confused, “Why are we yelling!”

You threw your hands up, “I don’t know!”

“You started it!”

“Yeah, because I love you!”

“Well I love you too!” he yelled one last time and then smiled, “...so come here and kiss me already.”

He closed the box with the key and tossed it onto the table as you moved towards him, throwing your arms around his shoulders and meeting his lips with yours.

You smiled against the kiss and mumbled, “You’re so stupid.”

“And yet you’re the one who loves me.” he mumbled back. He sat back down on the couch, taking you with him. Your knees landed on either side of him as you sat on his lap, and leaned into the kiss. He let the kiss go on for some time before pulling away, “I love you, seriously. Be my girlfriend?”

“I was already your girlfriend.” you laughed, moving back into the kiss.

He pulled away again and you groaned, “And move in with me?”

“Obviously! Yes.” you landed the smallest kiss on his lips before he pulled away again, “Jesus! What?”

“Marry me?” he grinned.

Your eyes blew wide and you slapped his shoulder, “Hoseok!”

“Yeah, you’re right, too soon. We should date for awhile. Maybe move your stuff in first, and then I’ll try again.” he reasoned.

He caught your eyes with his and you knew he was playing his game, his battle of the wills. His face mostly neutral except for the pout that accentuated his lips and the clear amusement that glistened in his eyes as he waited for you to crumble.

Dragging your teeth across your bottom lip you grinned, “Ask me again then. When I’m all moved in, and we’re laying in our bed. I’ll have my head on your chest and you’ll be doing that thing where you drag your fingertips over my back. Ask me like that.”

His eyes scanned yours for a long while after you’d stopped talking as he tried to figure out if you were serious. Then, as if he’d been replaying the words over in his head until he finally believed them, he turned his face away. Breaking contact because the joy he’d felt looking at you had become too overwhelming.

With a small laugh you leaned forward and kissed his exposed neck before resting your head on his shoulder. “I win.”

He hummed in agreement, “Yeah, but I win too.”

[eliotquillon]

the h.i.v.e timeline

(this is going to end up massive, so sorry in advance to all my none h.i.v.e followers).

obligatory disclaimer that while i’m trying to follow canon fairly closely here, i know i might have missed some details; this is a writeup of a google doc i made immediately after my feb reread and while i have reread books 1 and 2 since then, i haven’t had the time to double check anything from dreadnought onwards. there are also canon elements that i am deliberately ignoring/reordering, and i will make it clear that i am doing so when those details come up.

part one: student ages

currently, we only have two canon ages: raven, who is thirty-one in deadlock (or thereabouts; i’m basing this off her being 16 when she tries to kill nero and that being in the 15 years ago flashback), and otto, who we know turns thirteen just before he is sent to h.i.v.e (the specific age comes from the blurb of book one). we also know that nero taught diabolus and duncan cavendish as students, and that h.i.v.e was founded in the 1960s, which seems vague but actually gives us a lot to work with; cavendish’s records being faked implies that h.i.v.e does provide public examination results for its students, and that h.i.v.e’s entry year was deliberately chosen to parallel the english private school system (which, unlike the state system, is split into pre-prep, prep, and senior), where entry to senior school coincidentally takes place at the same age of entry to h.i.v.e

when it comes to making age estimations for students during the various points of the series, i’m making three assumptions:

1. all students in otto’s year are thirteen when they start h.i.v.e, just like otto.

2. otto turns thirteen in august 2006, making him one of the youngest students in his year, assuming the h.i.v.e school year starts in early september like most british schools. most of the ‘age’ section of this hinges off otto, because he’s the only student who is given an age and is seen celebrating a birthday.

3. the six years spent at h.i.v.e span what would be year 9-13 + the first year of university in the british system. in the american system this is grades 8-12 + the first year of university. therefore, students graduate at the age of nineteen.

h.i.v.e:

every first year alpha is thirteen.

the overlord protocol:

this is still set in first year, but is months after the events of book one. otto is still thirteen, but we can assume that, at this point, some people have turned fourteen. my money would be on wing, shelby, and possibly franz as being the older kids in their year (and therefore fourteen), but the semantics don’t really matter.

escape velocity:

this is the first book with a sizeable time skip - we see otto trying to steal the end-of-year exam for second years. this means everyone is now at least fourteen, and because (in my personal experience) late july/august birthdays aren’t very common, i’d wager that shelby, wing, laura, and franz are all fifteen; i’m excluding nigel here because i think, based off his physical description, he’s probably one of the younger kids in his year, and otto is obviously still fourteen, nearly fifteen. this is supported by raven telling otto that she was almost exactly the same age as the core four when she went on her first mission; we know from deadlock that she was sixteen, which would only be a year (max) older than the alphas at this point in time.

dreadnought:

dreadnought is set at the start of third year; we know this because the 93-percenter is specifically a third year field trip. this means that everyone, including lucy, is fifteen.

rogue:

rogue is where our perfectly constructed timeline slips, because it seemingly ages otto backwards - it is set thirteen years after we see otto being cloned in the tank, which would make otto thirteen even though he ends dreadnought at fifteen. there are multiple potential explanations for this - i favour the idea that otto is registered as older than he is biologically because he’s a clone/genius and was left at the orphanage with no birth certificate - but either way, i’m still going to say that otto is fifteen and that everyone else is a third year and either fifteen or sixteen. side note: otto’s benjamin button trick here is one of my least favourite ‘slips’ of the series and ruins what is otherwise one of my favourite entries.

zero hour:

there is a year between rogue and zero hour, meaning zero hour is set in fourth year and that otto is sixteen (and again, everyone else is either sixteen or seventeen). in my original doc, i made a note saying that apparently everyone is still in third year, but based off a quick search for ‘three’ and ‘third’ in the ebook, there’s no proof for that. lucy dies when she’s sixteen/seventeen.

aftershock:

there’s another short timeskip here, and based off the fact that this is when penny and tom join and that it’s the introduction of new security chief dekker, we can guess that this is the beginning of fifth year (incidentally, the fact that nero and raven are available at the beginning of the book to go meet joseph wright in london does appear to suggest that nero wasn’t needed to teach that day, meaning that there is some form of summer holiday at h.i.v.e). i also think it’s likely that this is fifth year because penny and tom a) had time to gain relative notoriety for their thefts and b) would’ve needed to be at least sixteen to leave school and local authority care (although tom is apparently a year or two older than otto and penny according to book one) and it being fifth year sets everyone at seventeen. seventeen is actually pretty old for the alphas to be taken to the glasshouse (raven went at age eleven), but i think it does make sense that the hunt was targeted, and not the third years on the 93 percenter; tom and penny actually had time to go to lessons pre field trip, and lucy didn’t, meaning that the 93 percenter mostly likely happens in the first few days of the school year and was organised before dekker became a member of staff, which wouldn’t have given the disciples the necessary time to plan and execute a retrieval. also, laura was obviously in fifth year and not third, making the hunt a far more attractive choice for anastasia to target.

deadlock:

deadlock is similar to rogue in that it fluffs an important timeline detail, but it’s not relevant to ages here, so i’ll revisit it later. it’s set several months after aftershock, but seeing as no other students are recruited to pad out the three left in the alpha stream and that aftershock was only set in the first month or so of the school year, i think it’s safe to assume that everyone is still in fifth year at this point, so either seventeen or eighteen. my gut feeling is that shelby, franz, and wing are all eighteen, and that’s because they’re allowed on the mission to break into the glasshouse; obviously we see them get into danger/be involved in plans before this point, but this is the first time we see nero actively sign off on them being allowed into a tactical situation with a known risk to life (and i’ve made a shitpost on this, but raven does say that nero would “have her shot” if she brought thirteen year old otto into a tactical situation back in the overlord protocol, so i think the only way nero would’ve allowed this to happen was if the remaining alpha students were all legal adults). the exception to this is otto, who would still be seventeen, but seeing as he isn’t an enrolled h.i.v.e student at the time of the mission, i don’t think nero’s no-student policy applies to him.

book nine:

obviously none of us know what’s going to happen, but i think it’s safe to say book nine will probably be set in otto’s final year, when he’s eighteen.

part two: adult ages

really, i should just be transparent and call this what it is, which is just blatant nero age speculation. while it’s implied that nero is immortal in book one, this is also literally never mentioned again, and the only physical indicator we know is that he has a streak of grey in his hair. however, i do have a bunch of info that can give some clues at how old nero really is.

1. nero taught diabolus, and is implied to have been headmaster of h.i.v.e at this time. we’re not really sure how old diabolus is, either, but seeing as he has a teenaged son and was old enough to have had a considerable career and be made head of g.l.o.v.e, he can’t be any younger than his late thirties by the time he pops up in escape velocity, and i’m guessing he’s inching towards fifty purely because he isn’t described as being particularly young when we see him in hong kong with nero 15 years before the events of deadlock. (i am, however, aware that this means nothing, because walden sucks at describing people). that means nero’s been teaching some forty years, which lines up with him co-founding h.i.v.e with his father in the 60s, and seeing as h.i.v.e is nero’s great passion project, i don’t think he could’ve been any younger than 25 when h.i.v.e opened in the original icelandic facility. basically, this tells us what we already know: nero is old as shit, and doesn’t look it.

2. the duncan cavendish thing interests me a lot more, because we see that nero actively switched cavendish from polfi to alpha. again, it was already implied that nero was headmaster from the beginning, but this shows that nero was always running the show and wasn’t just initially his father’s apprentice as deadlock almost seems to hint at.

3. nero has a doctorate. “well duh”. but again, if nero had that doctorate when he founded h.i.v.e, he has to be nearing seventy. he could’ve gotten it earlier, sure, because nero is a very intelligent man, but he’s not otto-levels of academic genius. i don’t think he could’ve been any younger than 15/16 when he got his phd.

i did say that this would be an ‘adult ages’ section, so i’ll do a bit of background on raven, the only adult with timestamps. her being thirty one in deadlock makes her twenty seven in book one (if we follow the logic of otto being seventeen in deadlock), and because i personally believe the h.i.v.e timeline starts with book 1’s publication in 2006, this means raven was born around 1979 (which, if you subscribe to the theory that raven is elena and nero’s kid, makes her born after h.i.v.e was founded, which has some interesting implications about the origins of the glasshouse).

i know we’re all in mutual agreement about the soviet training being a bullshit throwaway line that walden wrote in before deciding to make raven a major player, but i’ll do the work of disproving it anyway: if raven was born in ‘79 and she came to the glasshouse at 11, that means she started her training in 1990. the soviet union officially fell in 1991, but the berlin wall fell in 1989, and the cold war was pretty much over by the time raven came to the glasshouse thanks to gorbachev’s new policies and military cuts. there is absolutely no way that the furans were soviet-funded, or that raven was trained by the soviet government. in fact, the only feasible way raven could’ve been trained by the soviet union in, quote from book 1 here, “their cold war prime”, would be for her to have been born almost a full 20 years earlier in the early 1960s, which would’ve made her middle aged in book 1. but, like, you tried walden.

part three: overlord

the overlord incident - the one that led to the destruction of the chinese facility and inadvertantly led to wing’s birth thanks to wu zhang and xiu mei shacking up together - is probably the most crucial part of the h.i.v.e timeline. without it, number one never would’ve been corrupted, otto wouldn’t have been born/manufactured, the seed code for h.i.v.emind wouldn’t have existed, cypher never would’ve launched his assault on h.i.v.e and nero (or felt the need to come into existence at all), and, of course, overlord himself wouldn’t have been the world’s most annoying LED lightshow for five books (because book one hardly counts). but even though raven had nothing to do with the original overlord incident, she’s still strongly linked to it. i’ll explain.

the overlord incident had to have happened before raven met nero. i can’t stress that enough, and this is the conflicting detail that i mentioned in deadlock. the nero’s internal monologue in the fifteen years before flashback appears to indicate that the overlord incident hasn’t happened yet - but that can’t be true, otherwise wing wouldn’t exist.

like i’ve laid out, wing is thirteen in late august 2006, and most likely eighteen (but at least seventeen) in 2010/11, aka deadlock. this gives him an approximate birth year of 1992/3, and all roads lead back to raven, who would’ve been fourteen when wing was born. already, that makes her too young to have met nero pre-overlord incident. but even more importantly, wu zhang and xiu mei only ended up together because of the overlord incident. like i said, if it weren’t for overlord, wing would not exist. we don’t know when wu zhang and xiu mei‘s friendship turned to romance, but if xiu mei got pregnant in 1992 (which fits with either of wing’s birth years - either he’s late ‘92 or early ‘93), i’d wager they got together in 1991 at the latest. raven would’ve been twelve.

i’m putting the overlord incident at a tentative year 1990, which would’ve allowed plenty of time for xiu mei and wu zhang to escape china together and fall in love before wing’s birth, and also gives overlord a handful of years to start corrupting number one to convince him into cloning himself to make otto (who was dropped off at the orphange in august ‘93). raven came to the glasshouse in 1990. there is absolutely no way she could’ve met nero while he was still making arrangements for overlord, unless wing was born after 1995 when raven tried to kill nero, in which case wing wouldn’t have been at h.i.v.e at the same time as shelby and laura (and nor would otto, come to think of it).

anyway, i’ll do a tl;dr with the final timeline below.

TL;DR (final timeline)

1960s: h.i.v.e is founded.

1979: raven is born.

1980s: both duncan cavendish and diabolus darkdoom presumably attend h.i.v.e during this period. the zero hour contingency plan is drawn up.

1990: overlord is created in a lab in northern china, and is destroyed by number one. it then takes up host in his body. there are three named survivors: nero, wu zhang, and xiu mei. raven is sent to the glasshouse.

1991: wu zhang and xiu mei move to japan and rename themselves as the fanchus. they fall in love around this point. this is also the year where raven tries to escape from the glasshouse and claws out pietor’s eye.

1992: overlord/number one starts work on cloning himself. xiu mei falls pregnant, and possibly gives birth.

1993: otto, shelby, wing, nigel, franz, laura and lucy are all born at varying points throughout the year. this is most likely also the year where dimitri is shot by anastasia furan, and raven is forced to murder tolya.

1994: presumably the year when h.i.v.e’s original location is compromised, and plans start being made to relocate from the icelandic facility.

1995: nero meets with the architect/his father to discuss his plans for the new h.i.v.e facility. raven tries to kill him. the first glasshouse burns.

1996-2005: construction on h.i.v.e 2.0 is completed. overlord slowly takes over more and more of number one’s body. survivors of the overlord incident start disappearing. xiu mei dies of unknown causes. nero receives his half of the amulet. lucy’s parents die of natural causes and she is sent to italy. gregori leonov’s son, yuri, attends h.i.v.e and graduates. cypher pops into existence around this time. diabolus darkdooms fakes his death.

2006: otto, wing, laura, shelby, franz, and nigel start attending h.i.v.e (cue the events of book one). duncan cavendish becomes prime minister.

2007: cypher launches his assult on nero after successfully convincing the contessa to join his cause. after cypher is captured and his identity is revealed, nero keeps him alive unbeknownst to number one. by august, everyone is fourteen.

2008: cue the events of escape velocity. number one and the contessa die. diabolus darkdoom is elected leader of g.l.o.v.e. cue the events of interception point. otto turns fifteen. lucy joins h.i.v.e at the beginning of september and the events of dreadnought take place. otto does not return to h.i.v.e.

2009: events of rogue. cypher and pietor furan die. otto turns sixteen at the end of august. laura’s baby brother, douglas, is conceived.

2010: douglas is born. the events of zero hour occur. lucy dies. overlord is destroyed. nero becomes leader of g.l.o.v.e and fires the ruling council. duncan cavendish steps down. construction of the new glasshouse is completed. otto turns seventeen. penny and tom join h.i.v.e. the events of aftershock occur, and otto is expelled.

2011: the events of deadlock occur. raven turns thirty one. tom dies. the new glasshouse is destroyed. the countdown for the disciples’ new batch of clones begins at 99 days. the artemis project discover the existence of h.i.v.e. at the end of year, otto is eighteen.

2012 onwards: otto turns nineteen and hopefully graduates h.i.v.e.

[duker42]

25 Days of Christmas With Levi: Day 6

Day 6: An Unexpected Mission

“We’re doing what?” Y/N shook her head as if she hadn’t heard what the Commander had said.

Erwin looked back at Y/N and sighed. “You and Levi will be going Underground to find the orphans that the Queen would like to bring to the surface.”

“That’s what I thought you said.” Y/N muttered as she scowled at the idea of going back to the Underground.

She looked over at Levi gauge his reaction, but the only giveaway that he was not happy about the situation was the grip he had on the armrest of his chair.

“The rest of the Squad will remain at the staircase, with Hanji’s squad. But since you two know where they would most likely hide....” Erwin trailed off.

“Yeah, sure, all because we were those street rats.” Y/N shoved up from her chair and slammed out of the Commander’s office.

Erwin has the decency to look chagrined at Levi. “I’m sorry, but you know this is the best plan.”

Levi stood and pierced Erwin with a dark look. “She knows that too. But don’t expect us to skip down the staircase with shit-eating grins on our faces.” Levi countered, walking to the door and exiting to find where Y/N had run off too.

He found her in the gym, taking her frustrations out in a bag. He crossed his arms and watched as she repeatedly hit the bag over and over, the expression on her face murderous.

When she paused, he walked over and grabbed her arm. “Y/N....”

“I know Levi. I’ll get my shit together.” Y/N huffed, blowing her hair out of her eyes.

Grey eyes softened as he pulled her against him, rubbing her back. “Look at it this way, the sooner those brats come to the surface, they are going to get a Christmas we never had or could ever have down there.”

He felt her resistance melt at his words and knew that he had chosen right. Y/N had fallen in love with the holiday that fell on his birthday once they had come up to the surface. Enjoying the cozy traditions and even the snow.

~~~~~

Y/N worked herself up for the trip back to the Underground. She spent hours in the kitchens, baking cookies and treats to hand out to the kids. She had known that hunger pains and the promise of food would spark a child’s curiosity. That was how she and Levi had met.

She knew that it was going to be difficult, the dank Underground city that they had survived during their childhoods held bad and bittersweet memories for them both. She was just as worried about Levi as he was about her. He was just better at hiding his feelings than she was.

~~~~~

The day came that she had been dreading. It was funny how the smell never changed. As soon as she descended into the stairwell leading to the Underground the smell hit her. It was like a grim welcome home.

They descended into the caverns that the wealthy above conveniently forgot about. The poor that were starving to death or wasting away from disease right under their feet.

It didn’t take long to find their first waif, a little girl, no more than five. She had hidden away like a little mouse, scurrying away from the man with the fierce face.

It was so much like when she scurried away from Levi the first time she saw the older boy. His face was still just as scary as a boy to an abused little girl.

Y/N took over, offering the girl a cookie with a gentle smile. She had taken it hesitantly, already having learned to not totally trust seemingly kind people. She told her of the beautiful Queen’s new law, allowing the kids to come live up in the sunshine and play, rather than fight for survival down in the dark.

When the little girl, Cici, had taken her hand Y/N had felt like crying. Levi looked on with suspicious moisture in his own orbs.

The next kids came because of Cici. Children she had slept beside when the cold was too much not to share body heat. Y/N remembered those nights. Back before they were older, Y/N and Levi had huddled together many nights for warmth, now it was for love and comfort.

That day ended up with Levi and Y/N bringing 53 kids from the alleys and murk of the underground up into the chilly sunshine above. Her baskets of treats long gone, they had willingly followed the soldiers to the waiting wagons to transport them to the palace for baths and hot meals.

Y/N waved at the kids and promised to come see them the next day as they departed, leaving the squads to watch in satisfaction.

She felt Levi’s arm slip around her waist, pulling her to his side as his fingers stroked her side soothingly.

“I’m okay.” She answered his silent question, and surprisingly she was. It had felt good to take those kids out of that misery. Good to feel the true holiday spirit, the giving of her time and self to help others.

She turned to look at him, cupping his cheek and looking into his soulful grey eyes. “How are you?” She asked quietly.

He paused for a moment then looked at the entrance to the Underground again. “I think I want to go back down again. Maybe see our old place, if it’s not destroyed.” He replied, his eyes not wanting to meet hers again.

She reached down and entwined her fingers with his, feeling the warmth and strength of the man she loved.

“Let’s use this unexpected mission to our advantage. Let’s go visit with the good memories of our past.” Y/N said as she turned back to the stairwell.

“You sure?” He asked seriously.

“Levi, it’s the holiday season, we just helped 53 kids start a better life. I think we owe it to ourselves to celebrate the good times we had with Isabel and Farlan.” Y/N said as she tugged on her hand.

Levi hummed and walked beside her as they made their way back down the stairs.

“Hey Levi, you think that one merchant still has arm wrestling contests?” Y/N asked with a laugh.

He snorted as he thought back to that day. “If he is, I hope he learned his lesson on offering up his woman.”

Y/N’s laugh rang through the hollow staircase as they went back to their origins to make their peace with the past.

Mobile MasterList

[purplesurveys]

921

LOL was gone for a while to attempt doing that ridiculous 5000 survey myself again and I really thought I was going to breeze through it this time. 2 1/2 weeks and 2500 questions later, I need a fucking break. Need normal surveys plz.

What was the best thing to happen to you this week? Got to visit Gabie today! I brought Cooper as well so that she, her sisters, and their puppy Tofu could finally meet him. Fun day, but I am beat. The blackout yesterday also made me revisit painting, and that felt so good too.

Where do you put your keys when you get home? It always differs, idk why I never picked up a routine. Sometimes I set it on the dining table, other times on the decorative table in the living room, and other times I bring it up with me to my room.

Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee? I preferred hot (warm would be more accurate) for the longest time but once I went iced, I never wanted to go back. 

What's your phone background picture? I recently changed my lock screen to one of Audrey Hepburn. My home screen is still Hayley Williams.

If you could move to any country, what would it be? Anywhere with a clean and honest government sounds like heaven.

Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? No. Can’t say there’s a lot of them here in the city, and I’ve never seen any in my trip to provinces either.

What's your favourite movie from the 80s? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Do you have any posters, paintings or other artwork on your walls? I have at least one of each of these, yes.

What would your dream wedding be like? Huge. I’d want a long guest list, expansive food choices, and acts that can provide good music throughout the evening. I never really throw parties for myself, so I would want at least my own wedding to be big.

Would you ever take a trip to space if given the chance? Yesssssss.

How do you cope with anxiety? I'm lucky to have found different outlets, so that said I usually choose from taking surveys, watching a favorite channel on YouTube, turning to my dogs, going to social media to see dumb memes, or taking a nap altogether. Of course there’ll always be those days where none of these work out and I’ll have to just cry through the anxiety attacks until they’re over.

Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? I’m expecting an email from my college, yes. I’m currently applying for civil service eligibility and they’re asking for documents that only the college can provide, so I emailed them a couple of days ago asking for assistance, and that’s considering we’re still under a lockdown and most offices are still under skeleton staffing.

What's the weather like in your part of the world right now? LOVELY. I actually wear oversized sweaters to bed now and I even managed to wear a thick denim jacket out today. The rainy weather has settled beautifully, and I’m perfectly fine with 24ºC-28ºC everyday.

What was the last takeout food you ate? My mom bought me and my siblings a chicken sandwich and chicken nuggets each from McDonald’s last week.

Who makes you laugh the most? Definitely someone from my college barkada. I can’t decide whether it’s Aya, Kate, JM, or Jum; they’re all equally hilarious as fuck.

Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? See these questions are always weird to me because my country has its own naming customs; it’s basically a mix of American and Spanish customs. We have two first names (where Westerners would understand their second ‘first’ name to be their middle name) and our actual legal middle name is our mother’s maiden surname (which I think doesn’t apply at all in the Western world). So to answer this I’ll go with our own customs and say that no, I don’t know of anyone who has the same middle name as me. It’s not a very common surname anyway.

What did you have done the last time you saw a dentist? Had a tooth removed. I don’t think it was a wisdom tooth; it was just a tooth at the back of my mouth that had been in pretty bad shape for years but was only discovered at that time.

What does a successful relationship look like to you? I believe the formula is different for every couple. Like I value constant communication and checkups, but others might not feel the need to be clingy or update their significant others all the time.

What do you like to put on your baked potato? Don’t really have these a lot, but I remember when my mom used to make baked potatoes with bacon and cheese and those were unbelievably good.

What field of science interests you the most? Biology. <3 I’m sure I would’ve taken up medicine if I only wasn’t so bad in the rest of the sciences.

What's the closest shop or restaurant to your house? There aren’t any nearby shops since I live in a gated community, but once you get out of the village’s main gate, the first thing to the left is a McDonald’s. To the right is a small complex with a hair salon, burger place, music school, and one of those boujee stores that sell hype clothing.

Do you have any family that live in another country? So many relatives. We’re Filipinos, man. We migrate everyfuckingwhere. As far as I know I have family living in the US, Canada, Vietnam, Japan, China, Australia, and New Zealand.

What colour is your couch? Gray.

Do you know how to care for plants and keep them alive? Not at all. Every single plant that I’ve been given as a gift or party giveaway has died on me.

What was the most memorable birthday you've had? 18th was awesome. Cruise trip, hotel stay with friends, Tiendesitas + noodle date with Gab. How I got away with three separate celebrations without my parents saying anything about it I’ll never know.

Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains? Beach. The area where I live is mountainous as it is; as someone who’s always lived and studied in the city, a trip to the beach in the province never gets old.

What do you do for work? I don’t have any yet but I’m waiting for openings for our national agency for either history, or culture and the arts. My plans have shifted recently and I’m now eyeing to work for either instead of rotting away while underpaid at a corporate agency.

Have you ever been to see the circus? No. I wouldn’t be interested either; they all just seem so harsh and unethical. 

Are there any words that you hate or make you cringe? Sure.

What is the best house you've ever lived in? The one we live in today has been the most comfortable; but I also hold a lot of nostalgia for my dad’s parents’ house in Tondo because of how raw Manila life was there. Life wasn’t pretty, but it did feel real.

What was the first CD you ever bought? The first CD I actively wanted my parents to buy for me was probably the High School Musical soundtrack, heheh.

Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? Yeah, always. Wanna make sure my shirt is tucked in properly (if it is), or that my jeans aren’t cuffed funny or whatever else.

What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? I’ve mentioned this before but it was the Indian dessert gulab jamun. Really did not expect the flavor that came in when it hit my mouth.

Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? I’ve never had a legit job, but when Jeuel quit the org a couple of years ago because of ~irreconcilable differences~ between him and us officers in the executive board it did feel a tad bit dramatic and passive-aggressive.

What movie reminds you of your childhood? Shrek 2 or The Game Plan.

Do you know why your parents named you what they did? The singer named Robyn was really big then and they ended up being fans of the name.

Do you have any bills that need to be paid? None of my own. My parents usually pay the family bills immediately, so I don’t think we have any pending payments for now.

What do you like to dip your fries in? Mayonnaise.

Is your house clean or messy right now? It’s always clean as my mom is extremely tidy.

What was the last email you received? It’s one of the job-hunting websites I’ve signed up for, giving me job alerts for new openings in my chosen industries.

Do you know someone who speaks without a filter? Yeah and I know people who do it responsibly and those who just come off as tactless.

Are you in any social groups? We call our college group the Daydrinkers, since our friendship began when we started constantly hanging out at nearby bars at like 2 PM, during our breaks lol. I used to be in a barkada in high school but Angela and I broke apart from that since we couldn’t deal with Athenna’s toxicity anymore, though I still keep in touch with most of them, like Chelsea and Kaira. Since then Angela and I have formed our own group consisting mostly of Angela’s friends from architecture and Hans’ friends from Ateneo.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Sigh, around 4. I don’t know why it was so few, but it also means that I’m currently drowsy as all hell at 9:03 PM. I will most likely turn in for bed after this.

What's your favourite kind of museum? Those that cover history, so museums that have artifacts and fossils and shit.

Do you believe in alternate universes? I like the idea, and I love literature that explores the idea of alternate realities, multiple universes, pocket universes, etc. Whether or not I believe they exist...idk. I don’t think about it that much in literal terms. < Yeah pretty much. Gaby Dunn wrote an amazing piece on multiverses and that was what got me to find comfort in the idea.

Whose house did you last visit? I was at Gabie’s place this afternoon. We had burritos, talked about career prospects, and puppy-sat our babies.

What games do you play on your smart phone? I turn to 1010 when I’m bored or anxious. I have like 30 other games but I never touch them lol, but I do keep them should the time be right to whip them out.

Have you ever been to Los Angeles? I have not.

What was the first concert you ever went to? Paramore, February 2013. I was a late bloomer; kids my age started going to concerts at least three years before that.

Do you know anyone who is colourblind? I don’t think so.

What's your favourite season and why? The wet season, because it’s colder and I hate the heat during the dry season.

Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family? I’m the eldest.

If you had to make something for a potluck, what would you make? I recently watched this phenomenal recipe for 48-hour chocolate chip cookies that looked absolutely bonkers when they were done baking. I’d for sure give those a try for dessert. If that fails I’d just buy the food so that what I bring is more guaranteed to be good.

What kinds of decorations do you put up at Halloween? My family has never cared much for Halloween. It’s not even a legit holiday, so as much as I love Halloween I don’t think I would spend for decorations myself to decorate my own place. The only instance I imagine doing so would be if I have kids of my own who may want to get into the Halloween ~spirit.

How many tabs do you have open right now? In my current window, eight.

What's something you've been meaning to do but keep putting off? Taking another online course, just because it’s great to learn new things and earn free certifications while at it. I haven’t been doing a good job at being consistent with them, though.

What's the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? Facebook since it’s my primary social media now. Literally never thought this day would come.

Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah but it’s been a while.

Who was your favourite music artist when you were 16? This was the time I was slowly moving away from my punk phase and inching closer to Athenna’s music tastes, so I was into acts like Hozier, Banks, Daya, Twenty One Pilots, etc.

What are three things you usually always have in your fridge? Water, bread, eggs.

[ohayohimawari]

Tumblr Milestone!

For whatever reason, Tumblr has chosen to keep me hidden from tags, searches, etc. So, I’m really, really thrilled to have finally hit a milestone of 100 followers!

Thank you, you 100 of the most beautiful, most excellent, most exceptional people, for finding me and for following me. An additional HUGE thank you for reblogging my posts (especially the ones that contain my fics) so others may find me too. You make me visible.

To celebrate reaching this milestone, I’ve written a short story, which I hope you read, enjoy, review and share. It was based partly on this gif:

The Troublesome Genius

Read below the cut, or on: AO3 FF

Rated: T

Pairing: ShikaTema

Other characters: Kakashi, Sai, Shikadai, Tonton

Summary:  Shikamaru Nara maneuvers his way through the troublesome aspects of being a husband, father, and assistant to the Rokudaime.

The Troublesome Genius

“Come in.”

Shikamaru looked up from his task at the unexpected knock on the door to the Hokage’s office. The Rokudaime, however, continued to address the stack of paperwork in front of him. “You can add this one to the ‘Un-fun’ file,” he said as he handed the top sheet to his assistant.

“Good afternoon.” Sai’s polite monotone greeted them as he quietly closed the office door behind him.

“Hey, Sai. What brings you here?” Shikamaru lifted Tonton off a tall stack of papers to add another to it. He returned his gaze to their visitor and watched him set a large, earthenware pot on the Hokage’s desk.

“Ino asked me to bring this for your and Shikadai’s dinner this evening.” Sai finished with a smile that was more genuine than he’d been capable of in the past.

“Un-fun.” Kakashi handed another piece of paper to his assistant, and Shikamaru added it to the towering stack. “You have the whole village cooking for you this week Shikamaru,” the Rokudaime continued. “I’m jealous. When does Temari return?”

“The day after tomorrow. Shikadai and I should probably start cleaning the house up tonight.” Shikamaru chuckled to himself, thinking of the lazy week he and his young son had been enjoying in his wife’s absence.

“It’s been slow this week, you can take a half-day tomorrow and have one more evening to be kings of your castle. Ooh here's one for the ‘Fun’ file.” Kakashi handed the piece of paper he’d briefly checked to his assistant as he spoke.

“What’re you doing?” Sai asked as Shikamaru added the piece of paper he’d been given to the smallest stack upon the Hokage’s desk.

“Filing.” Shikamaru offered the succinct explanation as Sai moved the pot he’d brought further away from the growing piles of ‘organized’ tasks. Nara then returned his attention to the Rokudaime, “I appreciate that Kakashi, but are you sure? The ‘Un-fun’ stack is getting out of hand again.”

“And here’s another one to add to that file, but don’t worry, I’ll get around to it.” Kakashi waved his hand in a dismissive gesture once Shikamaru had relieved it of the ‘Un-fun’ document. “It’ll probably take you the whole afternoon to return everyone’s dishes to them. Besides, what’s the point of having fought so hard for this era of peace if families like yours don’t enjoy it?”

“Oink, oink!” Tonton added her two cents to the conversation.

“Well said, my dear.” Kakashi ceased reading to pat the head of the unofficial mascot of his office. Then he turned to his assistant again, “How’ve you two spent the last week with your house to yourselves?”

“In our underwear, mostly.” Shikamaru laughed, and even Sai joined him, understanding the joy of sharing such simple freedom with his own son whenever Ino left for a ‘Ladies Weekend.’

“Also, not doing the dishes,” Shikamaru smirked. His grin grew wider when he softly added, “I’ve started to teach him how to play shogi.”

“Ah, now that’s time well spent.” The Rokudaime displayed his smile through closed and creased eyes.

Eyes that flew open in the next moment when a woman yelled from the other side of his closed office door. “Where is he?!?!”

Shikamaru recognized that shriek, and before the door to the Hokage’s office was flung open, had just enough time to utter, “Don’t leave me.”

Temari stood in the doorway, her eyes quickly scanning the occupants of the Hokage’s office until they landed on Shikamaru and stayed there. The three men watched as a dangerous calm visibly settled over her face.

“You’re back early,” Shikamaru choked out, in what he hoped was a cheerful greeting.

Temari’s eyes narrowed in reply.

“How was your trip?” He attempted again.

“Shut up.” Temari folded her arms across her chest. “Please excuse my intrusion Hokage-sama, but I need to speak to your genius assistant about his genius son.”

“I was about to leave anyway,” Sai offered.

Shikamaru knew that Sai would be the first to betray him and was prepared for it. “Yes, to deliver that message for me, thank you. I’ve almost finished drafting it.” He grabbed the nearest piece of paper and quickly scribbled his plea where Sai could see him,

Find Shikadai-I don’t care how-tell him Mom’s home early, and he needs to wash all the dirty dishes. Now. Tell him I said to take out the trash too. Hurry.

Sai accepted the note and his mission with a nod. He took a step towards the door where Temari still stood, second-guessed himself, and chose to exit the Hokage’s office via the window instead.

Temari aimed her gaze at the Rokudaime next. “It’s his office, you can’t expect him to leave,” Shikamaru started.

However, Kakashi was already standing and gathered Tonton into his arms. “I think it would be best if I did.” He looked at Temari and continued, “Only for a moment though, it’s been a hectic week for us. In fact,” he turned to Shikamaru, “I may have to ask your husband to work this weekend to help me catch up, depending upon your situation of course,” he finished with a wink to his assistant before turning to exit.

“O-oink?” Tonton looked up at the Rokudaime as he carried her to the door with him.

“Exactly. How do you always know just what to say?” Kakashi replied to the pig as he walked around Temari and closed the door behind him, leaving the Naras to themselves.

Shikamaru stood still, carefully observing his wife. His previous attempts to get to the root of the problem had proven unsuccessful. He stuffed one hand into his pocket, found the lighter that had belonged to his sensei, and ran his thumb over it as his mind thought through the various possibilities for her foul mood.

‘Had she been home and found the mess? Maybe. She doesn’t look like she’s been home though, she’s still carrying her fan and her bag… Birthday? Anniversary? No, she wouldn’t have gone to Suna for a visit if that was the case. She ended her trip early and rushed back here-shit! Did Kankuro tell her about the stag party? No, no she said she needed to talk about my genius son-not our son, my son, and she called me a genius too, so that means…’

“What’d he do?” He asked aloud.

“Pulled the fire alarm at The Little Leaves Kindergarten Ninja Academy!”

Shikamaru felt his jaw drop at Temari’s exclamation. His eyes drifted to the window behind her in time to see Shikadai’s worried and tear-streaked face fly past on one of Sai’s ink birds in the direction of the Nara home.

His eyes quickly returned to Temari’s. “When?”

“This morning, while the kids were lined up to go outside for first recess. The school called me at the emergency telephone number listed on my parent contact card. I was so embarrassed taking that call, in front of everyone in the Kazekage’s office, Shikamaru!” Temari smacked her hand down on the Hokage’s desk in a show of her frustration. “I told them to call you, but the secretary said she couldn’t. Do you know why?”

Shikamaru gulped, as he suddenly remembered the forgotten, blank parent contact card sitting in his desk drawer at home.

Temari brought her hands up to her head and massaged her temples with her fingers. “I’m upset that this interrupted my visit with my brothers, I’m exhausted from rushing here by train, and I’m sick of being the ‘mean parent,’ Shikamaru.” She let her arms fall to her sides, exposing her face which was flushed from stress and emotion.

“Look, I understand that I’m not allowed in your and Shikadai’s boys-only club and I know that you two laugh at how strict I can be. However, I’d really appreciate it if you could see your way to completing more of the ‘troublesome’ tasks of parenthood so I could be part of the joke instead of just the butt of it.”

Shikamaru stood silent, his thumb running over the inherited lighter in his pocket. He began to realize how his behavior as a father had been inherited as well, and he considered the impact it had on the woman he’d asked to be his partner. He could only think of one maneuver to resolve the situation.

“You’re correct, and I’m sorry Temari.”

It appeared his wife hadn’t expected him to understand and apologize so readily and it almost pained him to see it. But she relaxed and replied in the gentle voice she reserved just for him. “Thank you, Shikamaru.”

He returned her soft smile with a sheepish one of his own. Then he sighed and ran a hand down his face, tugging a little at his goatee. “Why did he pull the fire alarm, though? I can’t imagine Shikadai doing such a stupid prank, it’s not like him at all.”

Temari chuckled, and it was Shikamaru’s turn to be surprised at his spouse’s reaction. “What’s so funny?”

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t funny to me at the time, even though the teacher was laughing when he told me.” Temari quieted her laughter long enough to explain, “Apparently, your genius son is learning to read faster and better than we thought. He pulled the fire alarm because the words, ‘please pull’ are stamped right on it.”

Shikamaru groaned, and Temari laughed louder at his reaction. “His teacher explained to me that it happens often enough that a request was sent to the Hokage’s office to have the alarms replaced.”

“It’s filed,” came the muffled voice of the eavesdropping Rokudaime from the other side of his office door.

Shikamaru looked at the leaning tower of ‘Un-fun’ paperwork and groaned again.

“Regardless of the reason, he still had to be punished and served detention after school today,” Temari finished relating Shikadai’s unfortunate day to his father as she opened the office door so Kakashi could reenter.

The Rokudaime still held Tonton while he sat in the chair at his desk again. Shikamaru had begun sifting through the tallest stack of documents, looking for a request from The Little Leaves Kindergarten Ninja Academy. “I think we need to rethink our filing system, Hokage-sama.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi reluctantly agreed, setting Tonton down on his desk.

“Well, I’d better go collect our genius son from school.” Temari sighed. “His detention ended fifteen minutes ago, but I had to cool off before I could pick him up. I’m sure he’s waiting for me now and dreading my reaction.”

Shikamaru smiled when Temari used the word ‘our’ to describe their son again, but then he recalled the image of Shikadai flying past the windows, as well as his instruction to clean up the evidence of the lazy week they’d had while his wife was away. “Wait—” his mind raced to cover up one last secret of the boys-only club, “as you say, he’s a genius. Shikadai will know to head home by now, and I’m sure he’s had enough trouble for one day. You must be tired after your unexpected trip back. Why don’t I take you out for tea and then we can pick dinner up on our way home?”

“I thought you two were having a ‘hectic week’?”

“The Rokudaime assured me he didn’t need me to get through the ‘Un-fun file’ himself,” Shikamaru quickly and subtly appealed to Kakashi with his eyes. The Rokudaime assented with a slight nod of his head.

“The what file?” Temari turned back to face the Hokage and his assistant.

“Besides, what’s the point of having fought so hard for this era of peace if families like ours don’t enjoy it?” Shikamaru recycled Kakashi’s words as he set aside his work in favor of leaving with his wife instead.

“Oink, oink,” Tonton approved.

“Oink, oink,” Kakashi concurred and waved goodbye to the departing couple.

The End

[starrynite7114]

distraction: four

A/N: Hello everyone! An update is finally here! I’m hitting a block with things you never knew, but I’m sure I will get through it soon. I’ve been really inspired for this one and it’s really moving along! Hope you all enjoy the next part!

==============================

Emerson was immersed with Bird Box when her doorbell rang. It couldn’t be Elijah since he was with Miguel. As much as she wanted to go to dinner, she was just not feeling well after her episode and wanted to stay home. She looked through the peephole and found EZ.

She opened the door and greeted him. “Hey, what are you doing here?”

“Just wanted to check on you, can I come in?”

“Sure,” she stepped aside and let EZ come in.

She closed the door and did her usual routine of checking the lock three times. EZ smiled at her routine and just shook his head. He sat down on one of her armchairs.

“Haven’t seen you at the bakery in a while, everything okay?” When she first arrived, EZ was one of the first people she met. She was setting up the bakery and was carrying stuff inside. EZ and his father, Felipe, happened to be walking by and helped her out. She thanked them by making them some food.

“Just busy with club business.” The reasoned EZ stayed away was he couldn’t keep lying to her and not tell her he was a part of her life. It was difficult to not tell Emerson what they’ve been through together.

“I see,” she nodded her head. “Your brother is always around.” It was stupid reasoning, but from her understanding of this whole M.C. business, EZ was Angel’s prospect for 2 more months. Shouldn’t he be attached to Angel?

“Can’t keep him away even if you want to,” EZ replied.

“Your brother is just a bottomless pit, that’s why.”

EZ laughed. “He definitely is. So, Elijah is here?”

“No, he’s with Miguel and Emily, business dinner.” Emerson always found it interesting how much more she’ll see EZ when Elijah was around. Whenever Elijah was in town, that’s when she would see EZ more often. Coco, Gilly, Angel or any of the other Mayans would hardly come around. It was mostly EZ.

“You didn’t go?”

“I’m not feeling well.”

“Everything okay?”

Emerson paused Bird Box since she was almost certain she wouldn’t be watching with EZ here.

“Yeah, I just almost blacked out.” Emerson answered. “I’m fine, happens every once in a while.”

“That doesn’t sound good.” EZ was having an internal struggle whether he should tell her or not. He knew her, he could help her with her memories. If anything, Angel could help her the most.

“It’s fine, the bakery can be stressful and Letty.” She was obviously joking about Letty because as ridiculous as teenagers were, Letty made her life better.

“We both know if there’s anyone who Letty isn’t a pain in the ass to, it’s you.” EZ chuckled.

“She’s a good kid.” Emerson really did adore Leticia. She wasn’t sure what it was, maybe she did remind her of her younger sister. Regardless, Leticia was a smart kid with a good head on her head. She could be a wise ass at times, but she was a teenager.

“You ever miss your family?” EZ was well aware that Emerson’s father disowned her for a second time. Whenever he met the Patriarch of the Andres family, he seemed to be a kind man who never had a problem with him or his upbringing. But everyone can put up an act after all.

“Yes, at times,” she looked over at him. “The holidays are coming up, so I do, but otherwise, I’ve gotten used to it.”

“Can I ask you a question?” EZ was going to ask her. He didn’t give a shit what Angel instructed. She’s been here for 6 months, he didn’t want to lie to her anymore.

“Sure,” she nodded her head.

EZ opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the knocking on the door. He stood up to go and open it, even though he was certain it was Angel. He had convinced his brother to let him go check on Emerson instead since EZ knew that Angel would cause trouble. When he opened the door, he was surprised to find Elijah on the other side of the door.

“Elijah.”

“Ezekiel.”

Their greetings was short and curt. EZ moved aside to let Elijah in, but before he can go all the way in, EZ placed his arm in front of him.

“We should talk.”

Elijah looked over at him and nodded his head. “Yes, it seems like we’re due for a conversation.”

==============================

Elijah exited the car Miguel had provided for him, waiting for Ezekiel to arrive at their designated meeting place. He heard the roar of a motorcycle and knew EZ was close by. Slipping on his sunglasses, he took off his suit jacket, the Santo Padre heat seeped in quickly. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone nor was this a business meeting.

When the motorcycle finally came insight he knew that it wasn’t Ezekiel and he felt foolish for even believing it would be EZ who would meet him. The motorcycle stopped beside his car.

Angel got off his bike, removing his helmet and placing it on his handle. He kept his gloves on, walking over to Elijah who was overlooking the mountains that were their background.

“Can’t say I’m surprise to see you,” Elijah rolled up the sleeves of his button up. The heat seeping in.

“Same goes to you, I should know better than to think that you would leave Emerson alone.” Angel never understood Elijah. Sophia Andres was in love with him, why couldn’t he settle for Emerson’s sister?

“I don’t have to do shit,” Elijah growled out. “She doesn’t remember you. You’re nothing to her.”

“And you conveniently bask on that fact.” Angel spat out.

“Emerson is a clean slate. She doesn’t remember meeting you and your brother, it’s the best thing that can ever happen for her.” Elijah never liked Angel. He was indifferent about EZ, if anything he wanted to recruit EZ for his business as he found that his photographic memory would be incredibly helpful. And EZ was a smart kid, he liked him, especially since he was never interested in Emerson. “Well mostly forgetting you was the best thing to happen to her.”

“What happens when she remembers everything? You think she’s going to be okay with you hiding such a big part of her life?” Angel wanted to smack this pretty boy around, but he knew there would be consequences. He had to be smart about this, Elijah was Miguel’s business partner. The last thing he wanted was for Galindo to take it out on the club.

“We both know you don’t want her remembering anything. Cause between you and me, you’re the one who needs the clean slate. If she remembers everything, you’re forever tainted,” Elijah smugly reminded him. “You know what, she should remember. It’ll push her right into my arms.”

Angel chuckled then before grabbing Elijah by the collar of his shirt. “No matter what happens, no matter what you do, she’ll never love you like she loves me. Even without her memories, I’ll have her fall right back in love with me.”

Elijah looked down at Angel’s hands before pushing him off. “Is that so? The confidence you have is immense seeing as how Emerson doesn’t even seem to give you the time of day.”

“You’re not always here, are you now?” Angel shoved him back.

“For now,” Elijah smirked. “Santo Padre would be a great place to establish some real estate.”

“Fuck you, you never liked it here. Let Galindo handle that, why would you need to be here?” Angel hated Elijah with every fiber of his being. Whenever he had the chance, Elijah always tried to prove to Angel how undeserving he was of Emerson. Ever since he first met the guy, Elijah made it known that Angel was beneath him. He never let Elijah get into his head, at least at first, but self worth was a tricky thing and during vulnerable moments, people do stupid shit.

“Someone has to oversee the operations, I would be the perfect candidate for that, wouldn’t you say?” Elijah brushed off the dirt Angel got on his shirt. “I’m sure Emmy wouldn’t mind if I stayed put.”

“You sure about that? You seem to upset her yesterday.”

“Emerson doesn’t like being pushed, she’s stubborn.”

“What were you pushing her about?”

“Her mother would like for her to come to New York. She would like to celebrate her 60th birthday with all of her children and Emerson isn’t responding to her.”

“Can’t say I blame her since her family is full of snobby rich assholes.”

“Tia Dolores was always fond of you, I do not think you have the right to say such terrible words about her.”

“You know who I mean.”

“Ah, Tio Eduardo is a bit of an asshole,” Elijah shrugged. “But you can’t fault him for wanting the best for his daughter.”

Eduardo Andres has always hated Angel. EZ, he could tolerate, but Angel knew that Eduardo saw him as someone who would never be good enough for his daughter. And the thing that killed him, it wasn’t entirely about the MC. Eduardo had respect for Bishop and Marcus, they were businessmen and they understood one another. But Angel was a foot soldier. Eduardo couldn’t fathom that his daughter would be someone who had no plan for the future besides sell drugs. Angel tried, he really did try to appease her father, but Angel knew that no matter what he did, it would be futile.

“And I assume that’s you?” Angel scoffed.

Elijah chuckled. “Perhaps, but I love Emerson. I want her to be happy and I’m man enough to accept that.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because she hasn’t chosen anyone, Angel. She may have ended our engagement, but let’s be honest, Emerson is trying to find herself. Once she does, and if she remembers how your relationship ended, she’ll run right back to me.” Elijah wasn’t as confident as he projected to be, but he had hope. He wasn’t a selfish man, he wasn’t psychotic. In the end, if Emerson picked Angel again, he would step away, just as he did before.

“You’re not innocent yourself, you set me up.”

Elijah shrugged. “All is fair in love and war.” He knew if Emerson ever found out what he did, he would be on her shit list, but not as bad as Angel. “Why keep trying Angel? You never thought you deserved Emerson, that you two basically had an expiration date. Why fight for her now?”

It was true, Angel always thought that whatever he had with Emerson, it wasn’t going to last. Maybe it was his self esteem issues or issues that stem from growing up in EZ’s shadow, but the world was stacked up against them. Maybe that’s why he fucked up during the last year of their relationship. He couldn’t exactly give an exact reason why, but he recognized that he fucked up their relationship with his own insecurities. After he lost her, things were put in perspective for him as the years went along. He watched in the shadows as Emerson paraded around with Elijah, happily playing the part of his other half. He never understood why Emerson did what she did, knowing Emerson never wanted to be engaged to Elijah.

At one point, he thought he pushed her enough that she finally decided to go to Elijah. But then he realized that she lost her memory and the only thing she remember was up to her high school graduation, when she was still madly in love with Elijah.

So why was he fighting now?

“Because I lost her once and I can’t let that happen again.”

==============================

Letty and Emerson were in kitchen of the bakery, preparing a cake that was pre-ordered for pick up tomorrow morning. The bakery had been closed for an hour and she was trying to finish a few things before she headed home. She was going to drop off Letty at the clubhouse since the boys were having a party. She offered for Letty to just stay over at her place since it was a school night, but Coco insisted on having Letty dropped off. Emerson was almost certain that Letty would be Coco’s excuse to leave.

“Can I ask you a question?” Letty broke Emerson out of her concentration as she was finishing up the design on the cake.

“Sure, what’s up?” Emerson placed the pipetting bag down and focused her attention on Letty.

“Why’d you take me in?” Letty always wondered why Emerson helped her. She wasn’t used to that, especially from a complete stranger. Aside for her father, her grandmother wasn’t exactly the best person in the world. She never experienced unquestionable loyalty from anyone, someone who was willing to get her out of a shitty situation besides EZ and Emerson. Her father was a default even though it didn’t seem that way at first.

“What you mean?”

“You didn’t have to help me that one night I got in a fight with my dad.” Letty always wondered if Emerson had an ulterior motive for helping her. But then, when her anxiety subsided and she was able to reason with herself, Emerson didn’t want anything from Letty.

“I wasn’t going to let you walk alone in the rain. I do have a heart you know,” Emerson playfully bumped Letty with her hip. “What’s with the question? I’ve literally spent the last 5 months with you.”

“I’m just not used to a complete stranger caring for me without asking for something in return.”

Emerson frowned. She’s always known Letty had a hard life. Her grandmother treated her terribly and she didn’t know Coco till a year ago. Regardless, she could tell Coco genuinely cared for his daughter and she meant the world to him. “The world hasn’t been kind to you, I get it. But there are still good people in the world. You just reminded me of my younger sister. Guess having you around filled a void for me and you grew on me.” She teased.

“Were you close to her?” Letty was surprised that Emerson brought up her sister. She rarely spoke of her family and when she usually did, it was a smartass remark.

“Yes, but we fell out.” Emerson picked up the pipetting bag as she finished the last design on this layer of the cake.

“After you were disowned?”

“We fell out way before that.”

“Why?” This was the most Emerson ever opened up to Letty and she wasn’t going to let it pass. She wanted to know about her.

“My sister Sophia always saw me as my parents’ favorite. She never resented me, I always made sure to try and dissuade her whenever she got that look in her eye. I tried to be the best older sister I could be to her.” Emerson explained. “Then one day, it was announced that I was engaged to Elijah and things changed from there.”

“Was she upset cause she thought Elijah was taking you away?”

“No, she was in love with Elijah and I knew all about it. She felt that I betrayed her.”

“Wait, you were engaged to Elijah?!” Letty always knew that Elijah had a thing for Emerson, but she never mentioned she was actually engaged to him.

“Once upon a time, I was engaged to Elijah. But something in me was against it. We were engaged for a few months before I called it off.” Emerson placed the pipetting bag down once again. “We were arranged by our parents, some sort of business deal to strengthen ties between our companies.”

“What?! People still arrange for their children to be married? I thought that was in the 1800s or somethin’,”

Emerson laughed at that. “No, it actually occurs to this day.”

“If you two were arranged why was she so upset?”

“She thought I planned it, that I wanted to take Elijah away from her.” Emerson gave her a small smile. “Sophia was absolutely upset at me and when I called it off, she still refused to speak to me.”

“Why?”

“Because I broke Elijah’s heart.”

“Your sister sounds like a bitch.”

“Oh, she definitely was. But she was also smart and hard headed, just like you.” Emerson booped Letty’s nose causing her to laugh. “Though, you’re definitely much more level headed than Sophia.”

“Has she ever tried to talk to you?”

“Yes, very civil conversations.”

“But not the same?”

Emerson shook her head. “Maybe she’ll forgive me one day once I’m actually married with children with someone who is not Elijah.”

“If Elijah hasn’t given her the time of day, why would he now?”

“I don’t know, I tried to push him towards her, but he’s a bit of a dick about it.”

“Really? How so?”

“He doesn’t want the lesser Andres when the better one is available.” EZ startled the two young women.

Emerson gave him a questioning look. “How do you know that?”

“Experience.” He shrugged. “I just know enough people and have witnessed it before.

She eyed him suspiciously along with Letty. But both women just nodded their heads.

“You two ready to go? Coco asked me to pick you two up.”

“For?” Emerson picked up her piping bag once more and continued with her designs.

“Just to assure that you two get to the clubhouse safely.” It wasn’t Coco, it was Angel. He wanted to make sure Elijah wasn’t around to dissuade Emerson from going to the clubhouse. Angel saw it as the perfect opportunity to get her alone.

Ever since Emerson came back, she’s just been to the clubhouse a handful of times and that was usually to drop off food. Since they had her drop off Letty, they figured she would stay put as well.

“I still got two more layers to go, you guys can just go.”  Emerson offered.

“We can wait,” EZ insisted. “Besides, my brother would be disappointed if you didn’t go.”

“Your brother has enough ass at the clubhouse to keep him distracted.” Emerson walked over to the fridge and took another layer.

“Come on Emmy, Taza and Hank would love to see you as well.”

“They saw me this morning Ezekiel, they come here every morning.” Emerson pointed out. She placed the cake layer on the table, eyeing him suspiciously. “Am I missing something?”

“No, you just keep making excuses about spending time at the clubhouse. You too good for us?”

“Yes, because that’s why I hang around you all.” Emerson rolled her eyes. “I just don’t like parties, they make me antsy.” She hated parties when her parents threw it and it was no different now. They were always filled with people she didn’t know and her social energy would be drained so quickly, she would panic trying to look for an exit. Though, the Mayans parties were a bit cooler than her parents since they weren’t full of snobby rich people.

EZ knew that about Emerson. He remembered during college, he wanted to experience the college life, but Emerson always shied away from those parties and prefered to same in her apartment and just watch movies.

“Come on Emmy, please? You can just drop me off then be on your way. If my dad to stays a little bit, I don’t want to be alone.” Letty pleaded.

“Chucky would keep you company.” Emerson found Chucky creepy at first, but he seemed to be a genuinely good guy.

“True, but can’t you just go, for me?” Letty did those eyes once again and EZ chuckled, seeing the struggle in Emerson’s face.

“God, you are terrible.” Emerson laughed. “Let me finish this and we can go.”

It was odd how at home Emerson felt in Santo Padre. She never even knew this town existed till her grandfather had mentioned to her that Miguel lives in Santo Padre. Her grandfather was her biggest advocate ever since she could remember. Sure, she was close to her father and mother, but she was incredibly close to her grandfather as well. And it was weird since her father instructed her to look out for bikers, not because they’re dangerous, but they were going to help her.

It was such a weird statement, but she guessed it made sense.

After all, no one should ever judge a book by its cover.

[shippingtheswann]

FOOLS RUSH IN:

Summary: Emma Swan has been married since she was five years old. Under the old oak tree, she wed Killian Jones, her neighbor. Then, he moved away, but made one final promise, that one day he would marry her for real. See what happens when he returns to make good on his promise.

Fools Rush in Chapter Six

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Warnings: None

A/N: Thanks to CSBB for once again organizing an amazing event. I've been missing Captain Swan for the past year, and having this has helped so much! Thanks to Lana (@high-seas-swan) and Kaitlyn  (@Spartanguard) for their beta help. Go check out Lana's story when you get a moment as well – it's amazing! Thanks to Rachel (@Ladyciaramiggles) for the art she has provided. Also, thanks to Kris (@sambethe) for the cover art for the story and for beta help. All of you have made this story what it is! Enjoy Chapter Six, a short little chapter that wasn't such a joy to write, but that I decided to keep. Stayed tuned for Chapter Seven though, it will be worth it!

I really didn't enjoy writing this chapter, but it moved the story along and it was needed. It's super short too. But, I hope you enjoy it. I will be off next week, as I am moving across the world on Saturday and I won't have much time to be posting.

"Hey Killian," he heard from behind him as he walked away from Emma, "if you were serious, I would think about it."

He froze in his tracks as he heard her angelic voice echo through the clear night. His mind was blank, unable to process what she had actually said.

Their night had been going so well—at least, he thought it was. Conversation flowed perfectly between them, once all their past mishaps had been aired and apologies passed around. He found himself fully engaged in every word that came out of her beautiful lips. He was surprised that he was able to follow along with her stories of childhood, all while taking in every inch of her face.

He was captivated by her, and from the moment he held her in his arms, he knew he had made the right decision reaching out to her. He was going to owe Liam something big. His arms had wrapped around her so perfectly, so wonderfully, that he knew he would never be able to hug another woman in his life. He would never be able to live his life now without her in it - permanently.

That was probably what led him to bringing up that stupid promise he had made to her all those years ago. That stupid promise that made her shrink back inside of herself, away from the person he used to know. He watched her physically recoil from him when he brought it up. How could he have been so stupid? Practically asking Emma to really marry him after seeing her for the first time in over twenty years, real smart there Killian. Of course she would say no, of course she would find him weird and creepy. But, none of that stopped him from asking.

When he hugged her, something was lit inside of him - a fire that would never be diminished. He knew that he would one day make sure she knew how she made him feel; but when she mentioned having a son, he suddenly got really worried. Did someone else already have Emma's heart, a heart that he hoped he once had and could have again? Did someone else take his place?

He was relieved when she told him the story of Henry. Of course she would find a way to care for a child she developed a bond with. Even the Emma he had known all those years ago was a tender soul who would adopt a stray cat and nurse it back to health or who would immediately run to a friend who was crying because they hurt Emma he once knew was a compassionate soul, so it would make sense that the Emma he met tonight was the same way.

In his mind, he could picture this Henry, he could picture Emma and him at home; Emma cooking him breakfast as old 90's music blasted through the speakers that sat next to the waffle mix, Henry sitting on a stool at the counter in his PJs that matched Emma's. He could see her hair, still a bit messy from sleep. He had no clue what Henry looked like, so he pictured a younger version of himself.

Shit, he thought in that moment, because he was falling deeper and deeper down a rabbit hole - picturing Emma with a kid that looked like a younger version of him. He was sure that a psychologist would have a field day with that.

All of that led to him asking her if she remembered that promise. All of that led to him lying to her.

He didn't mean it as a joke; he was dead serious. He would marry her tomorrow if given a choice. But he knew he had to lie once he saw her face. He had to play it off as a joke. She didn't look at him the way he looked at her; at least, not yet.

He knew what he had to do. He had to build their relationship back up. He needed to invest in it, prove to her that the Killian she once knew was still there; that even though years had passed, they were still destined to be together.

So yes, when she yelled at the car window that she would consider marrying him, he was shocked.

She would consider a proposal from him. She would think about fulfilling the promise he made all those years ago - and make real the fantasy they had done.

Without noticing it, he found himself back home. Just like before, when he drove to meet her at Granny's, he couldn't remember getting in his car and making the drive. He needed to get a hold of himself.

She said she would just consider it—she didn't say yes and he didn't ask. He needed to calm down and think rationally. He needed to gather his thoughts and decide exactly how to proceed without jeopardizing what they already had.

He had left the letters he had written to her out on the bed he was sleeping on at Liam's. He picked up the box that housed them and perused through them, looking for one that would inspire and help him think of what he should do. Most of the letters from elementary school were angsty and poorly written. The letters from high school were a bit more bright, but filled with drama he wasn't ready to face. His letters from college and his time with the navy were tucked in the back, still new. He didn't need to read those, as most of them were still pretty fresh in his mind.

He eventually settled on one from middle school. He didn't remember exactly what had happened to make him write the letter he was now holding, but the message was loud and clear. He would do anything to win Emma, to make sure she was happy and loved, to make sure she had everything she ever wanted. And he somehow knew exactly what to do.

Dear Emma,

It's hard to believe we are turning thirteen soon. Actual teenagers. I'm sure your parents are throwing you a big party. You will get to have all your friends there and you will have so many presents. It's not the same for me. Liam will celebrate it with me, he will take me out to my favorite Chinese restaurant and he will have a small present for me, but no party, no friends, no real celebration. But, that doesn't matter, what matters is you have a wonderful birthday.

I still wonder about your feelings surrounding your birthday. I know it wasn't talked about much growing up, or if it was talked about we were hidden from the conversation; but I wonder how you feel about celebrating your birthday two days after your actual birthday - on the day the Swans adopted you.

But never mind all that. I am actually writing for a reason.

Today was a tough day at school and Liam isn't home. So here I am again, writing to you, knowing I will probably never send this letter to you. Knowing that you probably never see the writing on this page. But, I need to talk to someone, and I know you will always be there for me, even if you don't know it.

I was sitting at lunch when all of a sudden it felt like the world was crumbling around me. It's still kinda early in the school year, but people have already paired off and chosen their friends' tables. Of course, I am sitting by myself again. Well, there are people sitting at the table with me, but I don't talk to them and they don't talk to me. We just sit there in a comfortable silence. It hasn't bothered me in the past, but today, it did. I was watching all the other groups; they were laughing, talking about their weekend plans, discussing the upcoming dance, and having fun. It dawned on me that I would probably never have what those kids have. Not unless I move back and see you again. I will never have a friend like those around me - someone I can confide in no matter the situation. You were that person for me, you are that person for me.

You know, I think friendships are like true loves. You only have one TRUE friendship, one that means more to you than anything else, one that makes everything better. It's like true love, it stands the test of time. I had that with you. And now, I feel lost without it. Nobody will really understand me the way you did.

Now I know how that must sound - especially since we were so young. How can anyone know such things at such a young age? How can I even tell when as time goes on we forget things from our childhood? Well, the way our friendship made me feel tells me I won't forget it. Just like those true loves, some memories stay with us forever. We will never forget them, no matter what else happens. Your friendship with me is that memory. How could I forget our late night adventures during the summer - when my mom and yours let us sleep outside right on the grass, our sleeping bags unzipped because it was just far too hot to keep them closed, with the stars and moon acting as our nightlight? We stayed up way too late for five year olds, talking about what we were going to do at the amusement park the next week. I distinctly remember your dad coming out and telling us if we didn't go to sleep we would have to go back inside our respective houses and go to sleep there. I remember when our Kindergarten teacher yelled at you for sharing your crayons with another little girl in our class. I remember that we didn't sit together, much to our protest, so I had to run over to you to hug you when you started to cry; because I couldn't stand the thought of you upset. I hated when you cried. I remember the teacher telling me to go back to my seat; I remember telling her to bugger off; I remember getting in a whole lot of trouble from ma that night because of what I said, but all I cared about was making you happy, making sure you knew someone was in your corner.

I miss that, is what I guess I am saying. I miss you. I miss our friendship.

You have no idea what I would do to just be your friend again; your real friend. Like a friend who isn't thousands of miles away and who doesn't talk to you. I mean like those kids I know who sit together at lunch, who make weekend plans, who wouldn't want to do anything without the other one by their side. Now, I'm sure you have friends like that now, you have to (you are pretty amazing, it's hard for anyone to not be friends with you); but I sure wish it could be me. I wish we could make more memories and have a bond that is unbreakable.

But, I know that can never happen.

I've asked Liam a few times if we could move back home. I've begged him to even take a trip. Each time though, I always get the same answer. It's always "One day we will go back, but not today, we don't have the money." He's been saying the same thing to me for years now. One day.

One day will never come though, and it's probably for the best.

I have no idea what is going on in your life; but I can probably take a really good guess. You are probably surrounded by friends. You never had issues getting kids to like you. You were everyone's helper. I am also pretty sure that you aren't living in a small two bedroom apartment that has mold and crazy neighbors that like to yell at each other randomly at 2 in the morning. You don't have to worry about if your brother is going to be able to bring home enough money to get you new clothes or enough food to last the month. I'm pretty sure your parents are still together, and both alive.

What I am trying to say is that you deserve a better friend than me. That is why this all is probably for the best. You don't need to be around someone like me.

If we were still friends; if my parent's fucked up relationship never screwed us over, you would probably not benefit from me at all. It was always going to be a one-sided friendship. You would always make me a better person, not vice-versa.

Yet here I am, still, wishing that we were together and you were back in my life.

What's worse is that I have feelings for you. That's strange right?

On top of seeing everyone making weekend plans with their friends, having people to confide in, I am constantly bombarded with images of people coupling up. I knew one day it would come, but I always hoped I would be in high school. 7th grade does seem a bit early to start pairing off, but it's all I see. I see all these couples in the hallways; I see the guys in my classes getting ready for their first dates; I hear the planning and I see the feelings they have.

And I wish that you were here. I wish I was doing all those things with you.

That's weird right? I haven't seen you in almost ten years, yet I feel a pull towards you. I only picture you when I picture myself making those plans and doing all the things the boys in my year are doing.

We were so close when we were younger and I have to wonder if we would still be so close if I had stayed. I would hope so, but I know I wouldn't be the only one feeling this way about you.

Alright, well, I'm going to stop rambling. What I just wanted to say is that it was hard today missing you. Most days are hard without you, but today was one of the hardest since ma died. It's hard facing a life where i'm probably going to be alone because no one will hold a light to you. It's hard knowing that I don't get to share my days with you, that I don't have someone who understands me the way you do. I wish that there was a way we could go back to what we used to be; before life screwed everything up.

Love always,

Killian

Thinking back on the time, Killian couldn't believe what he wrote. What a little emo shit he was. He could remember sitting alone - something he had done since he was in second grade. He prefered it. Like he said in the letter, no one compared to Emma, so he didn't even want anyone to try.

It wasn't until his first year in high school that he really started developing friendships and venturing out of his comfort zone that his memories and dreams of Emma created.

The letter wasn't very inspiring, but it did make him realize how deep his feelings for his old friend were. Even back then, he pictured himself with Emma. Even though the only version of Emma he had was a dream.

So even though it was quite stupid of him to bring up the promise so quickly, he knew deep down it was the reason he wanted to see her again after all these years. He wanted to know if there was a spark there that could actually develop into something. Yes, he missed his friendship, but he also wanted to see if the things he had felt for an imagination of her translated to the real thing.

And so far it did.

It hadn't even been an hour since they had parted ways when he sent her a message, deciding that it was now or never.

Hey love, want to hang out tomorrow?

He didn't hold his breath this time. Maybe it was because of her response as she left, maybe it was because of how he felt holding her in his arms, or maybe it was because of the three little dots that popped up almost immediately (ok, it was probably that but he didn't want to admit it) - it didn't matter, because he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

Sure. I have some things to do in the morning, but i'm free around noon.

He smiled as he typed his response.

Perfect. Meet me at the park at noon.

Ok, night.

Night, Swan.

[the-canary]

New York - B.B

Summary:  You were probably one of the few people that could stand him, but that doesn’t mean you could give him what he wanted -- the world. (Modern AU!Reader/Bucky Barnes)

Word Count: +2.8K

Prompt: It’s always been you. 

Masterlist

A/N: This is for @bucky-at-bedtime ‘s writing challenge. once again the main motivator for this is st. vincent, so consider checking out new york.  

Please enjoy! Like always, feedback is always welcomed.

Bucky Barnes loves Brooklyn. Bucky Barnes loves New York City.

However, James Buchanan Barnes is aware that there is more to life, and he wants to conquer it all.

You love Brooklyn. You love New York City.

But, you were okay living in your own little corner of the world, safe and sound with an everyday life.

And maybe, that’s the problem with this whole love equation to begin with.

Age 10.

You rummage around one of the lower bookcases before settling down in one of the small chairs with your favorite Dr. Seuss’ book. Ever since you could remember, you enjoyed coming to the Barnes’ Bookstore and spend some time there until either your mother or father got out of work to pick you up. Your parents and Mrs. Barnes had known each other for a long time, had even known Mr. Barnes before he passed away, so you all treated each other like extended family. It also helped a little that she had children around your age as well.

“You’re still reading those baby books?” a boyish voice ask, as you look up to see one Bucky Barnes with one of those longer novels that the middle school kids read for school. You frown, Bucky for being a year older than you always wanted to be the “big kid” as he tried to hang out with Rumlow’s when his mother wasn’t looking.

“I like them,” is all you said, before going back to reading. Bucky frowning like always at how easily you ignored him. So, he like always he takes a seat next to yours and open his book.

“I’m gonna sit right here, ok?” he declares, as his mother watches on with a bright smile on her face from the cash register.

“Okay,” you nod and go back to the story.   

Age 12.

“An astronaut!” Bucky declares, “Going to space, exploring the planets, and bringing back cool stuff!”

“Didn’t you want a be a gymnast last week?” you question from your place on the steps that lead to the apartments where you live. It was one of those chilly autumn days where for some of reason you found yourself hanging out with Bucky and his best friend Steve, an older, but sickly boy that he had saved from Rumlow, though not without its consequences -- you had been in the hospital all night with both boys.

“And a journalist before that?” the blond questions from his own seat, as Bucky turns to frown at the two of you. He puts down the book that he has been reading and huffs out in disappointment over you combined lack of enthusiasm.

“Don’t ya guys wanna leave and explore the world?” he questions in desperation and silent fury, and all you could do was shrug as Steve tries to pacify him. You had seen this side of Bucky more often after his fight with Rumlow. He wanted to leave, give his mother and sisters a better life than what they had in Brooklyn. Maybe it was a little pessimistic, but you often wondered if he would be able to achieve anything in the end.

“One day, Bucky, one day,” you declare and give him the softest smile you can muster, as he lets out a deep breathe to calm himself down. He gives you a boyish grin, and for a moment you swear that your heart skips a bit.

Age 15.

“Have you seen Bucky?” Rebecca questions, as you look up from your book to see her worried face.

“No, why?” you ask, as she frowns because she knows that you already know. Ever since transferring into that high-end school for athletes and prodigies, Bucky had been hanging out and dealing with a lifestyle that clearly wasn’t what the rest of the Barnes lived in. It had made him more ambitious in what he wanted, but also angrier at what he couldn’t have at the moment. It lead to a lot more fights between the two of you over your lack of motivation and many other sore subjects that Bucky liked to pull at.

It isn’t until later that night that you see him. Busted lip and dirty clothes sitting in the corner of the sidewalk two blocks away from the apartment building. You question for a moment if you should even bother him, until blue eyes catch you watching him and all he can do is turn away. That’s when you get the courage to sit down next to him.

“Don’t ask,” is all he says you, as you nod in agreement while pulling out a packet of tissue and hand it to him. Bucky lets out an embittered laugh before throwing them on the ground. You frown and in annoyance decide to ask.

“Don’t you get tired of fighting?” you question with a strong sense of curiosity on why Bucky does all this, but his emotions and rush of adrenaline don’t let him answer in a logic way.

“Don’t you get tired of being so useless?” is all he says, hitting on the one little fear the he knows all too well that you have. So you get up and leave without another word, Bucky doesn’t stop you and it isn’t until later, when he tries to apologize, that he realizes all the damage he has done.

You don’t talk to Bucky Barnes after that.     

Age 18.

Unlike Bucky the year before, you were a bit more strategic in where you wanted to go for university. Your parents had agreed on your plan on going to a small community college to get your two years of general education before moving forward to transferring to a bigger university. Your goal was NYU, just like Steve who had gotten accepted into their arts program right off the bat. Bucky had gotten into all his choice schools, but had chosen to head West -- his dream was finally coming true.

You hardly heard from him anymore, though there were whispers here and there. Steve told you he was dating a pretty Russian redhead, social media confirm that. His mother and sisters got fancy gifts for their birthdays and holidays, though you knew they would all rather see him for the breaks he didn’t return for.

For a moment, you mourned the Bucky Barnes you once knew, but you moved on -- you had bigger fish to fry within the wonderful, blasted city.

Age 21.

“Don’t stay up too late!” Peggy yells from her place in the living room, as she and Steve head out for the evening. All you do is give her a salute before going back to reading the political theory book in front of you. It was finals week and you were a couple of hours and three more coffee cups away from your last one of the semester.

After transferring into NYU’s political science department, you had moved in with Steve and his girlfriend Peggy since they had an extra room and their apartment saved you a bit more on commuting from Brooklyn to the central campus than living with your parents did. They were going to celebrate the end of their finals with some friends, while you were still struggling over your own.

In the struggles and loneliness of it all, you thought of him. It was silly, but it had taken you some years to realize that you might have been in love with Bucky Barnes and sometimes the what-ifs killed you, but you knew he was happier out of this city than anything else, and you were alright with that. You groan in annoyance at the sudden shift of thoughts when you should be memorizing the dates behind rise and fall of Robespierre.

You get up and are about to get something to eat when your cell phone rings. It’s an unfamiliar number, but you can’t help but think that this one time you should answer it, so you do.  

“Hello?” you ask in a loud voice, as there is some loud music playing in the back.

“God, I miss you,” is all the broken, raspy and obviously drunk voice on the other line of the phone says before hanging up. You blink at the familiarity of it, but they’ve hung up before you can say anything. It bothers you, but you have to push it to the back of your mind and keep studying if you want to pass this class with a decent grade.

It isn’t until you’re back from your last final the following evening that you hear the whispers coming once more from Steve and Peggy’s room -- something about a car crash and Bucky.  

Age 25.

“Where is the bouquet?” you question, as you run around different halls to find Peggy’s missing bouquet just a few hours before the wedding. Your flowy green  gown and messy flower crown weren’t making it any easier to move through, though neither did the sleep deprivation that came with finals, graduation, and getting everything ready for two of your dearest friends’ wedding. And maybe, that why you almost trip in the hallway leading to the reception hall.

“Oh shit,” you murmur and brace for the impact, only to have a contrasting pair of arms grab you. The heat and cold conflicting with each other send a shiver down your spine, as you look up to see shocked blue eyes staring at you. He’s wearing a grey suit and the marigold in his jacket pocket that adorn your head. There’s a small stubble on his face and while his hair is the longest that you had ever seen on him, it was gelled to perfection. All in all, Bucky Barnes is still beautiful, even after all these years.

“S-Sorry,” you manage to squeak out, as he nods obviously taking in your form after years apart. He lets out a sigh and you feel his hands rubbing circles around the fabric of your dress. There is a look in his eyes that you’re too afraid to find out what it means as you slowly start to back away, “I-I sh--”

“Please,” he murmurs softly, trying to stop you in the most heartbreaking sort of way. And for a brief moment, you wonder if he ever made that realization you had all those years ago. However, then the moments breaks at the sound of two voices.

“Bucky!” you both turn to see the familiar face of one Rebecca Barnes, as she looks shocked for a moment before smiling at what she has just caught.

“Sweets, I found the bouquet!” the voice right behind her declares as Sam, Steve’s other best friend, smiles while holding the white and gold flowers in his hand. However, like Rebecca, he raises an eyebrow at the sight before him, clearly not aware of the history you two have.

“Thanks, Sam!” you remove yourself from Bucky’s grip completely and grab the bouquet before turning to leave the awkward scene, “I should hand it back to Peg. It was nice seeing everyone!”

You run out of the area as fast as you can and clearly avoiding Sam’s questions and Bucky’s regretful sigh.

You avoid the Barnes family for the rest of the evening.  

Age 28.

However, you can’t avoid old family friends for long, especially when Mrs. Barnes is sick and asking for you. It’s the least you could do for the woman that practically watched over you most of your life, and it’s not that far away from your own shared Brooklyn flat.  She is in the center of her bed, looking pale and gaunt as she tells you to take a seat closer to you. None of her daughters are there at the moment, so the silence of such a rowdy household scares you. She gives you a shadow of a smile, as she grabs your hand.

“How have you been, sweetheart?” her voice is soft and delicate, as it slowly fades away towards the end of the sentence. You sit a little closer to her, as the autumn breeze comes in and her body shakes like a leaf.

“Good, good. Working and such,” you explain some of your data analysis work for the city, something that she had always said showed how much you loved your birthplace and you guess that in a way it was true. You loved that it reminded you of a lot of things, even if they weren’t there anymore.

“You’ve always been like my fourth daughter,” Winnie lets out a watery laugh as she pats your hand, “I only wish he wasn’t such a fool and made it come true.”

You cock an eyebrow at this, but never question her as she goes on to tell you of all the little things you have ignored for the years: Bucky dropping out of university, going into the military, the car accident, and moving from place to place like he was searching for something he couldn't find. You wonder why she tells you all this, but you let her because maybe in a way she misses him, like you miss him sometimes -- that bright eyed boy that dreamed too big for his own good.  

Age 32.

When Winnie does get better, the girls decide that Lizzie should take her to the West Coast where the climate would be better for her condition. However, with the idea of Barnes’ Bookstore being sold, you step up and say you’ll buy the lease or deal from them in the most desperate sort of way that they had ever seen from you. They agree and you become a part-time consultant and data analysis researcher in order to keep the store open certain days. Rebecca ends up moving upstate as her family grows and Millie moves to Boston to finish her graduate work.

Brooklyn without the Barnes is something you thought you would never see, but here you are and while Steve and Peggy, Sam, and your other friends are still in the city -- something about being in the city just isn’t the same anymore. But, if you were truthful to yourself, Brooklyn hadn’t been the same since you were 18. And maybe, something out there somewhere decides to be kind to you.

The bell chimes to announce a new customer, as you look up from your laptop to see a man with long brown-hair hidden by a baseball cap and wearing a jacket and red henley. You greet them absentmindedly before going back to your work on the laptop, especially since it’s due in a couple of hours, as the man’s heavy boots echo loudly within the small store. You briefly wonder what he might be looking for, as you hear books being moved and pages being rummaged through. Nothing else is done, until you see a familiar Dr. Seuss placed on the countertop. It surprises you, as you glance up to see bright blue eyes and a timid smile.

“Bucky,” you whisper softly as said man gives you a tight smile. He looks a lot different than from the last time you had seen him, and you had no idea where he has been all this time since you hadn’t seen Steve in awhile either. It was strange, but in a good sort of way to see that he was all right. You ring up his purchase and that’s when he decides to talk.     

“It’s always been you, huh?” he says in some sort hypnotized way, like he had been carrying this revelation in his chest for who knows how long and was finally coming to accept it. Maybe, it’s that same feeling you’ve been feeling the majority of your life. You look at him with wide eyes, as his smile grows a little more.

“You’ve always been home, waiting right here,” he explains, like he somehow knows your heart better than you, and even if that might be true the self-confidence in his statement, and maybe the hidden love within it almost make  you want to lash back. However, those blue-gray eyes looking at you in the certain way --like back in the wedding, like when you were young again-- makes you pause that stubbornness you’re so used to.

“Did ya find what you were looking for?” you ask softly as you place your hand over the Dr. Seuss book, wondering about all the places he had gone, all the people that he had meet and maybe even loved. That self-righteous anger builds up in your chest again as you give him an embittered smile. Surely, he wouldn’t be here, in Brooklyn (in this small, useless bookstore), if he had found whatever it was.   

“All I wanted was here all along,” he murmurs as he places his hand hesitantly over yours, a timid smile on his face as he rubs your knuckles with his thumb, “Home’s always been right here. Just been too…”

He can’t seem to finish his sentence, too afraid of the rejection years in the making, but you just let out a light laugh, relief bubbling in your chest as your grip on his hand tightens a bit. Blue eyes twinkle a bit brighter than before, as he leans in and runs his gloved hand over your cheek. You hum in acknowledgement and look straight into his eyes.

“Welcome home, Bucky.”

He lets out a shaky sigh and in the silence of your stuffy little bookstore, you wordlessly reaffirm a couple of things that seemed like constants in your life.

You love Brooklyn. You love New York City.

And you surely did love Bucky Barnes as well.

[vipers-hat]

I couldn't decide on a prompt so maybe “If you play that song one more time, I’m army rolling out of this car.” or “Really? Pinning me against a wall? You couldn’t think of anything more creative?” or “What? You’ve never seen a girl cry over macaroni and cheese before?” and Johnnic for the ship because tbh I've become such a hoe for them and your writing it's just so fantastic!!!!

For all you Johnnic hoes that give me life, another “Would’ve Been Perfect for the New Divide Epilogue But That’s Just Life” piece. Ridiculously Soft John with teeth-rotting fluff ahead.

Derived By Fools: 

A conversation with Nick gets John to get introspective, and Nic has to pull out the big guns to distract him

When little Carmina Rye’s eighth birthday rolled around, it had been a wake-up call to all of the adults that the Collapse allowed for very little when it came to celebrating a child’s birthday. Still, Nick was determined to throw the best party the New World would ever see, so he had gone as all out as he could. Most of the county had been invited. He had made the point ‘you don’t gotta bring anything, just try to make it the best day ever for her.’

Not one to do arguably nothing for her favorite (and only) goddaughter- Nicolette was determined to give the girl something. After searching for ages, she had managed to scrounge together some wood nails and paint, ruling that she was going to make a dollhouse. The finished product had come out lopsided in a few places, but it would work, function well, and it was the thought that counted, damn it.

John had come through by venturing to another bunker in the Valley where some of the residents’ including the Ryes’ old things had been dumped after he or his people had stolen them. He had found a few dolls from an early raid to go along with it, and then had found an old knit blanket that had in fact been meant for Carmina around when she was born. Whoever had made it had made it large so it would grow into it with years to spare into her childhood.

When they had shown up at the party with the gifts, Carmina had been ecstatic, more so about the dollhouse, naturally. She had immediately tugged Nicolette and Cal over to the side to play with it.

John had been left behind with Kim and Nick, considering they were far more interested in the blanket and the fact that John had been willing to risk opening old wounds in favor of bringing it.

They had explained that Nick’s mother had made it for Carmina, and she had passed not long after Nikki was born- just missing the Collapse by some miracle, even if the event itself was hardly one. Still, the sentimentality and the gesture were immense to them. Nick had yanked John into a long, quiet-but-loaded-with-emotion bear hug in response. Even Kim had joined in, but upon feeling and sensing John’s still-very-much-there issue with physical affection from people outside of his wife and son, she had backed up, patted the small of his back a couple of times and relented. It had taken Nick a solid minute extra to catch on.

After Carmina had roped Cal and Tommy Stone into playing with the dolls and dollhouse with her, the adults had gone into the Rye home- which had also remained in relatively good shape since the Collapse and was just about back to normal after repairs.

After a few minutes, Nicolette had seen Nick and Kim having a hushed conversation in one corner, muted by Sharky and Addie talking about how Xander had almost blown up the Marina because he had brought a match too close to a gas tank while drunk the previous week. She had given them a concerned look, and once Nick caught her watching, he merely winked and waved his hand dismissively before wandering over to John, who was in the opposite corner, talking to Jerome. Whatever he had said got drowned out by the other two again, and she watched curiously as Nick led John into the kitchen and out of view. She hadn’t expected to miss the openness of the place before they had to build walls to support it, but the suspense was killing her.

There was a series of metallic clanking every once in a while and Nicolette had wanted to investigate, but Sharky had looped an arm around her shoulders to relay the time that they had shot down a Chosen plane and it had gone straight into a shrine, sending the ‘whole damn thing up in the biggest fuckin’- shit, language- shit, I did it again- SORRY- blaze that you ever did see.’

It had been another few minutes before some smell that Nicolette couldn’t put her finger on wafted in from the other room. Kim came out after a few more minutes in order to get the kids to come inside.

And then the big question got answered, because Kim and Nick came into the room with a cake, and John trailed behind with a bowl of mac and cheese.

The kids merely shrieked in response, oblivious to the fact that everyone else was dead silent after seeing the mac and cheese, torn between laughing or not. They had all heard the ‘watery mac and cheese’ story. But this batch hardly looked watery at all.

Nicolette personally focused on the positive. They had included John after everything. The Ryes were making an effort to rebuild bridges. John was making an effort to atone for all his wrongdoings. Also, they had fucking made legitimate mac and cheese, which they hadn’t had in years and good God, she had missed it. She couldn’t wait to see how Cal liked it.

John caught on to the strange looks that came his way. “It was Joseph who made the batch from the barbecue,” he pointed out, but not without humor. Some mix of emotions passed in his eyes for a moment.

It took Nicolette a moment to realize just saying the other man’s name probably brought him back to weeks ago when Joseph had shown up at the Ranch, getting Cal’s attention from afar in order to bait John into leaving the house to investigate and discovering that his brother had found a way to a bunker, survived and wanted to change things between them- they were family, he needed his brother back and all that. The confrontation had almost gotten ugly, and John had lost sleep over it for a week.

She sighed, sidled over to him and took the bowl out of his hands. She passed it over to Addie, who seemed to put together that there was something only they knew that was bothering him, so she took over serving. Nicolette wrapped her arms around John and planted her chin firmly on his chest. “Hey. You good?” she leaned up to kiss him for good measure.

John sighed into it, then nodded. “I’m good,” he confirmed. He watched her for a moment and noticed her eyes were glossy side- and had been the second he had come around the corner. He stepped back in order to sit down in the chair behind him and pulled her down with him. “Are you?”

“What, you’ve never seen a girl cry over macaroni and cheese before?”

“Not at all,” John answered.

“Yeah, well, macaroni and cheese usually isn’t literal, an old favorite that the world’s prevented you from having for years. Or, ya know, a metaphor for you and the rest of these guys getting along.”

John scoffed, though there was no animosity behind it. “What’s with you, Whitehorse and the metaphors?”

“Dunno. I just get it from him.”

He scoffed again, then bumped his nose against hers in a show of affection that had everyone staring.

Hurk, however, was the only one ballsy or stupid enough to ask. “So… can I ask how this happened? Like how y’all went from tryin’ to kill each other to bein’ all in love n’ shit? ‘Cause all the people who weren’t in the know got was that ‘Joseph’s the Actual Snake’ video and like… word a’ mouth stuff.”

Addie snickered behind her glass of water. “Well, after Joseph went and betray him I imagine the turnin’ point in their relationship was their little rendezvous at Landsdowne. I mean, what could’ve been going through our girl’s head other than ‘pinning me up against that wall and fucking me, John, you couldn’t think of anything more creative’?!”

“ADDIE!” Nicolette objected over the mixed reactions of uneasy embarrassment or enjoyment the statement got- first and foremost in her brain was naturally Earl choking on whatever drink he was in the middle of taking as he finally found out the answer to the question about Landsdowne’s importance in their lives that he had wondered about for years.

“I’m right though, aren’t I?” Addie teased. “I mean, after all that cat and mouse you two boned against a wall. And from what I literally heard it was just a quickie. Sounded awfully vanilla to me after the weird piny shit you two got up to.”

“ ‘We’, hm?” John countered quickly, fully ready to change the subject by small tangents bit by bit if he had to.

“Oh, honey, you were her ‘f-word’ in our game of ‘F’, Marry-”

“Addie!” Nicolette repeated and threw an empty can at the woman for good measure.

John, however, finding an opening to avoid getting too deep into their history: “Oh, was I now?”

“You were everybody’s…’F’. Even Addie’s, for good measure. And Sharky’s, for the record. And Grace’s-”

“Mother or not, I can and will kill you,” Grace cut in from the back of the crowd.

It was enough to break whatever awkwardness had started up between everyone. The rest was broken when the kids came barrelling down the stairs, with Nikki, donned in her grandmother’s blanket tied around her shoulders like a cape, chasing the boys. She was yelling about being ‘Super Rook’ catching the bank robbers.’

Cal was very determined to make the point that ‘Super Rook’ was actually his mom so he would ‘get out of jail’ quickly.

Nicolette immediately joined in the chase, citing that ‘two Super Rook’s were better than one.’

Cal had been absolutely delighted at the betrayal.

By the time sunset rolled around, most of the crowd had dispersed, and the Ryes, Raylans, Jerome were the last ones left, crowded around the fire. Each family got one of the chairs, large enough to accept them because Nick had been determined to make adirondack chairs larger than the ones that had been at Johns ranch.

John had risked making a joke about Nick compensating for something, and Nick had come back at him by simply motioning at the Yes sign on the horizon, and that had promptly shut John up, but to everyone’s surprise it was in good humor. 

It had started off as shooting the shit with everybody about current issues before they were all a couple of drinks deep and itching to share memories from their time before the Collapse.

After a while, Nicolette had fallen asleep, leaning on John’s side and Cal was out cold draped across his chest. Carmina was curled up against Nick’s side, about to nod off herself, and the two men were just enjoying the peace of the night. Kim and Addie were on the other side of the yard, coming up with a joint travel business to get things back to normal again.

Something about the whole situation got John thinking about the past. Rescue me from all my sins, let me not be derived by fools. He had lived by that once. He was desperate to hate the woman who had forced him to quote it- to make it a mantra. The same woman who let him in; who let him love her and who let herself be loved by a monster. He had thought he was the fool once after Jacob’s death, after spending a while thinking they were the fools. He had fought tooth and nail against the love in his heart disguising itself as lust and begrudging respect. He had been right the first time. She and the others had been the fools. And they had rescued him from his sins. His heart ached in the best way and pulled Cal closer in response to ground himself.

Nick caught the look and smiled weakly. “Never thought this would’ve been a thing that happened after all this, huh? All of us sittin’ around a fire, enjoying each other’s company? Letting our kids hang out together? You havin’ a kid. With the Deputy.”

Deputy. It had been so long since he had heard that title said with such reverence. He had almost forgotten about how that was a constant in his vocabulary back then, spat with venom seeping from the word each time.

And now here the object of such strife was, curled up against him- his wife, mother of his child, his other half in so many other ways than just sharing their sin.

He hummed in agreement. 

They sat in silence for a while before Nick broke it again. “You ever miss it? Life before the Collapse?”

“I didn’t have much of one before these two, so no,” John answered. 

Nick gagged dramatically. “Don’t let Kim hear that, she’ll never think I do or say anything romantic ever again.”

“I think she’d understand.”

Nick squinted. “Hold on, you were rolling in money and you don’t consider that much of a life?”

“Nicolette never told you…?” John asked.

“Told me what?” Nick asked.

John exhaled sharply. She hadn’t gone blabbing about his childhood to anyone. There had been no sympathy gained from his history. He had earned his spot back with them, too. “I… wasn’t sober enough to remember most of the ‘good things’, and then… before I was ‘rolling in money”, well, let’s just say I wish I could forget.” He looked down at his family. Even after all these years he couldn’t wrap his mind around that word. “I owe all this to them…”

Nick hummed after a moment of dead silence, then leaned back. “You’re alright, John. Never thought I’d say that, but… Hell, you ain’t who you used to be.”

Thank God, John agreed, though he kept it to himself. After a while, he sighed. “After all this time, I’ve never apologized to you.”

Nick looked uneasy for a second, “For what?” he asked, though it was clearly more a question on what single item on a list of many he was apologizing for. He wasn’t playing stupid. 

“I… there were…” John sighed. “There are things I did back then… if I could go back, I wouldn’t change them. I’d do them again. I was… trying to make all of you see reason, to see things our way, regardless of whether or not what Joseph said ended up being true-”

“Yeah, well, look who ended up being right in the long run. That’s on us,” Nick replied quietly. 

“No it’s not. You were protecting your people,” John argued, then sighed. “That’s not- I meant… during… this one’s Atonement, I threatened you. I threatened your wife and unborn child. I didn’t… know, I didn’t understand… not until this,” he tilted his chin down at his family. “And I… I would die if anything happened to them, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Including you back then. So… that’s… if it’s one thing I’m gonna apologize for, it’s that.”

Nick stared at him for a while, then shrugged. “Well, I don’t think I could ever exactly forgive you, but you’ve made up for it by now, Partner. Just don’t fuck it up and relapse.”

“I’d rather die than do that, too,” John assured him.

“Yeah, well, don’t do that either, it’ll break Nic’s heart, and if that happens I’m obligated to bring you back to life to beat your ass back to death,” Nick countered.

“Deal,” John agreed.

Nicolette stirred and lifted her head from John’s shoulder. “What’re you roping my husband into, Nick?”

“World domination, then space travel- and space domination. Why, you want in?” Nick asked.

“Well, I mean I am the one with the resume citing taking control of an entire county,” Nicolette pointed out.

“We helped a little,” Nick teased.

“Teeny bit,” Nicolette digressed. She stretched. “We should get going. Gotta see about those new police recruits soon.”

“You mean Rook won’t be Rook for much longer?” Kim asked as she and Addie ventured over to them.

She shrugged. “Can’t be the new girl on the block forever.”

“But you’ll always be our Rook,” Addie pointed out.

“I just threw up a little in my mouth,” Nicolette replied playfully, then untangled herself from John. She gave Cal a couple of pokes on the back as she went. “Hey, Little Man…”

Cal stirred, then blinked up at them.

John grinned. “Ready to go, Buddy?”

“Do we have to?” Cal asked.

“We’ll see them in a couple of days. They’re not far,” John insisted.

“What’s in it for me?” Cal asked after a moment.

John scoffed. “You’re your mother’s son, alright. How about… a race to the car?” John suggested.

“Deal!” Cal agreed, wide awake at the promise of the game, and immediately launched himself off of his father and bolted, headed for the pickup truck on the other side of the yard.

“Cheater!” John called before hopping up to chase after him.

“There’s him being his father’s son,” Nick mused.

Nicolette beamed, and then with a quick goodbye to the rest of them, headed for the truck. By the time she had made it, Cal was already rambling on about his victory in the race, and John was giving him that same patient, loving, prideful look he usually did any time Cal did one of his rambles.

She got in the driver’s seat and started up the truck, beaming away when Cal leaned forward to give a play by play of just what he had done to ensure he won the race. Apparently John’s leg had just happened to cramp up a couple of times- John had hidden his answering smirk behind his hand at just how hilarious Cal had found his father’s completely accidental blunder.

It didn’t take much of the short ride home to have Nicolette notice just how quiet John had been once he had turned back to look at the road, though. He was clearly lost in thoughts, but troubled all the same. She had seen that look on him several times- first and foremost when he had first tried to get a confession out of her. She reached over to turn on the radio to provide another distraction.

“-keep us safe, he’s gonna march us right to Eden’s gate, Oooh-’”

Not the worst happenstance when a radio turned on with a terribly timed song in her life, but not the best either. She glanced John’s way to see the man did drift out of his thoughts, only to look murderous. “John-”

John lunged for the comm radio in the corner, turned to a different channel and leaned in.. “Wheaty, if you play that song again I am rolling out of this fuc-  car, and if the impact doesn’t kill me I’m coming to-”

“Easy, man! It was an old playlist, I don’t know how that happened, I swear! The second it came on I’ve been looking for something to switch it to.”

“Get. It. Off.”

“Okay, Okay!”

The line went dead, there was a horrible electronic crackle sound from the car radio, and it immediately switched to Bad Moon Rising.

John groaned, then shook his head. “Thank you.”

“You got it.”

The other line was silent, so John slipped the radio back into its holster.

Nicolette sighed. “Sounds like it was an accident, it’s not like he did it on purpose. You wouldn’t have known it was even on if-”

“I just didn’t need that reminder of back then after today.”

She frowned as they pulled up towards the main driveway of the Ranch. “Did Nick say something?”

“No, he didn’t. Well, he did, but… not against me.”

She sighed, letting the rest of the ride go in silence until she parked the truck up front.

Cal, upon seeing that Uncle Sharky had been back home for a while, Cal tore out of the truck, ran over and launched himself at the man.

Sharky, ever the perfect uncle and former stand-in father, caught him around the middle and brought them both falling to the ground, laughing and insisting ‘aaah, you got me!’ all the while.

She watched them for a while until she realized John still hadn’t moved. She looked back at him.  “Talk to me.”

“It’s nothing,” he murmured.

“Hey.You’re the one that said no more lies,” she insisted. 

“Nick and I talked about… before. I just thought about what could have been if some meddling Deputy didn’t decide I was going to be a bargaining chip is all.”

“Ooooh. Been a long time since I’ve heard that word come out of your mouth.”  

John scoffed weakly, then sighed. “I would’ve been half dead or worse… thrown on the ground again, half dead, and… “ he was cut off when she leaned over to kiss him, and as per usual he melted right into it.

She pulled back. “Yeah, well thank God for the Tree Incident.”

He scoffed again. It was true. Things had changed with them because of a fucking tree.  Because she had fucked up and gotten stuck- a new spin on their cat and mouse game- she was the cat that literally got stuck in a tree,  but counted on him rescuing her just to play to his audience that consisted of her and her alone. She had manipulated the shit out of his interest in her that she had known about, and he had fallen for it. And that event had stayed his hand in killing her just as much as it had hers the second she tackled him to the ground on that hill and screamed at him to stop rather than shooting him in the chest like she should’ve. 

He had never really thought about it like that. He owed being alive wholly to Nicolette, but that damned tree was partially responsible, too.

It was awfully humbling to know that one owed their life to a tree. 

It was saying something that the damned tree had managed to stay standing in those seven years after the bombs. It was singed to all hell and dead, but still there, ever resilient. There was another metaphor in there somewhere, too. Now Earl was influencing him. He didn’t mind in the least.

“Now, do I get my husband back, or do we have to tell Sharky that he’s on babysitting duty until I knock some sense into you?” she touched her forehead to his.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to other methods of convincing,” he pointed out.

It was her turn to scoff. “You know that I know you’re deflecting, right?”

He sighed, then with some difficulty maneuvered her over to him so she was in his lap. He kissed her. “I love you.”

“Still deflecting.”

“Still love you,” he countered and leaned in again. He rolled his eyes when she drew back and pressed her fingers into his lips to silence him.

“You ended up worth it. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“I owe you my life,” John pointed out.

She smiled. “And I don’t intend on collecting. So stop thinking for once in your goddamn life you owe me.”

He sighed. “Fine,” he agreed. Then, wordlessly he looped an arm around her, pulled her flush against him, opened the car door and got out, holding her to him.

Nicolette let out a noise that was half alarm, half protest. “Right, because this is entirely inconspicuous.”

“Cal’s not gonna understand, and Sharky’s seen it and partaken enough to know what we’re about to be up to. So I like the babysitting plan,” John countered. “And I have to go thank my wife for my life, anyway.”

“ ‘Can’t think of anything more creative’ to say?” Nicolette countered, parroting what Addie had made her hypothetically think earlier in the day.

“Never heard a complaint out of you yet.”

They crossed the yard, waved off Sharky’s very knowing grin and eyebrow waggle as they made it into the house.

Once they got into their bedroom, John practically tossed Nicolette onto the bed. She laughed in response, then met him halfway when he moved to kiss her again. He pulled back after a few moments and got lost in thought again when she offered him a loving look. He wasn’t sure if it was the booze or having thought about the time before the Collapse earlier, but now everything wa in a different focus. Part of him had always loved his Deputy in some way shape or form since he had escaped his bunker the first time. But she was right, everything had changed in the span of minutes over a stupid mistake, and when he thought things had gone to shit, when Eden’s Gates had been closed, he had mourned the loss of one life but gained so much in a new life.

He was barely aware of her running her fingers through his hair before she resorted to tapping him on the forehead to gain his attention. He snapped out of it.

“What happened to no more thinking?”

John risked looking apologetic before he leaned in again- only to be pushed back lightly. He arched an eyebrow at her.

She sighed. “Alright, fine. Try this on for size, considering there’s no getting through to you otherwise tonight. Was gonna tell you this in a few days but now you clearly need the distraction. You sir, need to stop with the angsty introspective stuff because we’re gonna have another life around here before long, and I can’t have all that negativity around when we do.”

“‘Another li’…?”  John trailed off. Realization set in, doing exactly what she had counted on the news doing. He glanced down at her abdomen, then back up to her.

She beamed. “You’re gonna be a dad again.”

He blinked at her a couple of times, then immediately crushed his mouth to hers quickly, before the questions started piling up in his brain and he had to pull away to ask them.  “How far… when…?”

“Couple of months, so… if I’m doing the math right, our little uh… visit to the Yes sign.”

“… Addie is never finding out about that little detail. Or that that happened.”

“Oh God, no.”

“I’m gonna be a father again…” he murmured. His heart clenched. She was pregnant. They were going to have another child. Cal had turned out to be the best accident in his life. And now another miracle in its own right had happened. And this one was more or less planned, they were actually together and not on the brink of something that was still dotted with hatred. They were continuing the New World, helping it’s future. His family was going to grow. He was near beside himself. And then it hit him. The second moment of clarity in his life. He was in love, had people to love, and he was loved. And he was happy. This was pure, unadulterated happiness. The thought that Joseph was right again drifted into his head, but even that didn’t deter the absolute high he was on. It had taken him the better part of nearly eight years to realize it, but that’s what that feeling in his chest was that he couldn’t put his finger on because it was just short of unrecognizable. He had been robbed of it for so long, and here it was, staring him in the face. And just like he had on the kitchen floor all those years ago, he laughed- but now it was for an entirely different reason. The best reason. Unable to articulate anything else, he pulled her into another kiss.

Derived by fools, indeed.

[mirsan]

Ditched, Again

(For my sweet @inukag !!! This was supposed to be for your birthday, but it ended up being late enough that now we can go ahead and say it’s for you finishing your exams!!! I love love love you and wanted to give you a little something in celebration, so I settled with InuKag and MirSan on a double date :D~ Or well, it would be a double date if MirSan would stop trying to push their two friends together by ditching them… 👀👀👀

InuKag, College AU. 6,879 words, PG-13 for Inuyasha’s potty mouth)

Inuyasha had decided that he hated couples.

Specifically, he hated Miroku and Sango, and whatever weird shit they were up to with him and Kagome.

The four of them were spending another weeknight at their campus bar, exhaustion over final exams rolling off of them in waves of laughter and celebratory clinks of their drinks, as they finally reached the light at the end of their Fall semester. But there was a catch. And lately, as Inuyasha had managed to piece together over the course of the past few weeks, the catch was popping up more frequently, as clear as the tacky, flashing neon sign hanging outside above the entrance. And he was sick of it.

So when Kagome and Sango excused themselves to finally use the restroom that night, he waited until they were sufficiently out of earshot before leaning over the table to look Miroku dead in his guilty eyes.

“Can you two knock it the fuck off already?”

He could see Miroku’s face pass through several phases - confusion first, then maybe bewilderment. Then… Enlightenment? Then confusion again. Finally, exasperation. “Okay. I’ll bite. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Miroku, this is the first time you and I have been left alone at this table in weeks,” Inuyasha squeezed out like a hiss of hot air. “You gonna pretend like that hasn’t all been on purpose?”

He watched as his friend tilted his head, as though looking at Inuyasha at a different angle might somehow give him the answer he was searching for, while arching his eyebrows this way and that. Meanwhile, Inuyasha found himself growing more irritated by the second. He clenched his fist while wrapping the other on the table impatiently. He could remember exactly what was happening just three days earlier, when they met up together right at this time in an attempt to break away from seemingly endless hours of studying, to unwind with a couple of drinks and good times. And then just two days before that, to kick off the weekend like they normally would. And even before that, to celebrate during the lull between classes ending and exam period beginning, trying to savor that last bit of freedom from obligation before study period was in full force. Every encounter included the same shit: Miroku and Sango both showing up over an hour late with flimsy excuses, leaving Inuyasha and Kagome at the table alone; Miroku and Sango constantly getting up to order drinks and snacks at the bar, leaving Inuyasha and Kagome at the table alone; Sango stepping outside to take a phone call, and Miroku catching up with a classmate from last semester, leaving Inuyasha and Kagome at the table.  Alone. Together. Over and over and over again.

“Inuyasha, I’m afraid I don’t understand. Are you and Kagome not friends? Is it inconvenient for you two to have to share space with each other for extended periods of time?” Miroku looked at him like a father might look at a cranky child as he drew lazy circles around his pint of beer and Inuyasha thought he was the most annoying person on the planet.

“That’s not the point, you idiot, we have nothing to say to each other unless you and Sango are there talking about something we can both chime in on, so when you leave us alone like that it’s fucking awkward and–” Inuyasha jumped at the sound of the heavy bathroom door swinging open from behind him and looked to check who was coming out, and upon realizing it wasn’t Sango or Kagome, continued on. “I barely know her, she’s you and Sango’s friend, we’re just friends by association!”

Miroku let out a deep, condescending sigh. “And don’t you think that the solution to this problem is, ah… Talking? I mean, how else do you really get to know someone, exactly?” He took a sip of his drink and averted his gaze to the other side of the room, really driving home that you’re insufferable vibe, missing the way Inuyasha bore holes into his disinterested face. “I mean really, Inuyasha. She’s been part of our friend group for months now, and you two barely know a thing about each other, aside from… Your majors? If that? And that’s just terribly sad.”

“Yeah, okay. Except you’re not leaving us alone to be friends, now, are you. Asshole.” He spat, his fingers tapping more vigorously now.

“Inuyasha, please. What on earth do Sango and I have to gain from that?”

“Another couple to do couple shit with. Y’all are always moping about how all your friends are single.”

“We certainly do not do that.”

Inuyasha leaned back and folded his arms, glaring and jaw set like Miroku’s filthy goddamn hands were halfway out of the cookie jar and the other man had the nerve to lie while his face was covered in crumbs. “Remember when you found that Romantic Weekend Getaway package deal and realized how fucking expensive it would be split between only two people instead of four?”

“Okay, well–”

“Remember bitching about nobody to go to Couples Cooking Classes with you both?”

“Listen–”

“Remember how dramatic you were about how only you and Sango had coordinated Halloween costumes this year?”

“Damnit, Inuyasha, do you know how annoying that was?!”

Miroku cleared his throat and tried to regain his composure, while Inuyasha sat back in his seat, poised for rapid fire. “I can keep going. Remember when–”

“Okay! Okay, fine.” He hushed, hands up in surrender. “You’re right. We just want you two to hurry up and date already.”

Inuyasha whipped his head around again to glimpse the bathroom door before practically snapping his neck back toward Miroku, eyes blazing. “Well get the fuck over it! It isn’t going to happen, so stop forcing small talk on us! I don’t see her that way.”

“And why not?” Miroku countered, leaning in and speaking a bit lower. He was clearly fighting the urge to waggle, at minimum, one of his brows. “I mean… Don’t you at least find her attractive?”

Inuyasha blinked. “Am I supposed to?”

“Oh. Oh my goodness. I see now. You’ve lost your sight.” Miroku buried his face in his hands in mock horror before extending his arm to cup his friend’s cheek. “All this time… I’m so sorry, Inuyasha.”

He swatted the hand away from him like a gnat. “Shut up, you jackass, I’m not calling her ugly or anything I just don’t–”

“Who’s ugly?” Sango’s voice sprang out of nowhere, leading Inuyasha’s heart to somersault out of his throat. She and Kagome flashed curious eyes back and forth between the two men. “What did we miss?”

Without a second wasted, Miroku slid over to let Sango back in her seat, gesturing with grandiose charm. “My dear Sango, we were just discussing the gorgeous blouse you’re wearing. I took the stance that it is beautiful and that it, having been chosen by you, is nothing short of perfect, but Inuyasha has an inherent lack of fashion sense, and disagreed with the idea that you and everything you do is without flaw.” Inuyasha cemented him as the most annoying person in the universe. The whole fucking universe.

Sango rolled her eyes and batted playfully at his arm. “Come on. Really?”

“Okay, you got me. Inuyasha thinks Kagome’s ugly.”

Kagome let out a tiny, surprised squeak, while the man next to her sputtered and choked on his beer. Miroku waved his hands harmlessly, “Kidding! Just a joke. Inuyasha, why are you so red? Please breathe.”

The four of them continued their evening with few speed bumps, and out of respect for his friend, Miroku did refrain from creating anymore opportunities that night for alone time between the two that were barely friends with each other. He did notice that Inuyasha and Kagome interacted very rarely with one another, usually only responding to something he or Sango might have said, but the one-on-one interaction wasn’t quite as nonexistent as Inuyasha might have made it seem. In fact, Kagome was the only one to laugh (sympathetically, very fake, couldn’t fool anyone) at one of Inuyasha’s awful attempts at a joke, and that was pretty significant, considering you couldn’t pay Sango or him to laugh at that one. She also seemed perfectly willing to share her fries with him after saying that she couldn’t eat another bite, and Inuyasha took her up on that offer, but of course this was free food and this was also Inuyasha, so it wasn’t terribly surprising either way. But it certainly meant that, at the very least, Kagome didn’t mind Inuyasha, and it could mean something even better.

With last call came the routine dispersing of the bar’s patrons, flurries of colorful evening wear disappearing under thick bundles of coats and scarves, as everyone reconvened outside in the crisp winter air to huddle together for a few last moments of chitchat. Before parting ways, Inuyasha drew Miroku to the side just to say one more time, for emphasis –

“No more, alright? Next time you dip out or show up late to a hangout, it better be for a good reason.”

Miroku considered. “Just for my own sake, what constitutes as a ‘good reason’ to you, friend?”

“Like if Kirara swallowed Sango’s make-up and had to be rushed to the ER.”

“That’s very specific.”

Inuyasha clicked his tongue in annoyance, stuffing his hands deep into his coat pockets. “Whatever! You get what I mean. No more bullshit from either of you, deal?”

“Of course. Take care!” Miroku grinned and waved him off as Sango stepped out from the bar into the night, looping her arm with his and looking the picture of innocence and not at all like her boyfriend’s accomplice. “Night, Inuyasha!” She called to him behind her, smiling sweetly. “See you tomorrow for lunch!”

He gave a noncommittal grunt in reply before shuffling off in the other direction, but was silently grateful for what he hoped would be the return to normal, stress-free, no-ulterior-motives time with his friends. Plus Kagome.

Truth be told, Inuyasha didn’t trust Miroku as far as he could throw him, and so when he arrived at the cafe fifteen minutes late and he was still there before either one of The Fucking Couple, his blood pressure spiked.

He scoped out his surroundings; a casual ramen shop, with not too many people, which he liked. More people meant longer wait times, and he was in enough of a mood already without the added frustration of waiting for his food. Whatever, maybe they were just running late…

“Inuyasha!” He heard a girl’s voice call out, and spied Kagome in a powder blue cardigan signaling to him from her spot at a corner booth. “I got us a table!”

Yeah no shit, he thought, making his way over to her, dread quickly forming to sit somewhere low in his stomach. Something was up, and he knew it. He didn’t let her get much of a word in before barking out, “Are they seriously fucking late again?”

Her eyes not-so-subtly said weren’t you late too and maybe a touch of jeez, calm down there’s kids here, but she quickly pulled out her phone with a hum to herself. “I don’t think they’re coming for lunch. Sango texted me saying Kirara must have gotten into her make-up this morning and she seemed really sick, so the two of them were going to take her to the vet right away.” She placed a thoughtful finger to her chin, the flimsy story unraveling in her mind after saying it outloud. “It’s strange, she’s normally such a good kitty… And I thought most make-up was non-toxic anyways…”

Inuyasha hated them both so, so much. So much.

He contemplated his options: he could just leave, pick up a cheap hotdog from a street vendor around the corner, and go back to his bed and catch up on sleep. That sounded really nice, but would be a dick move to bail on her, all things considered. Or he could stay here and force small talk with Kagome for maybe half an hour, assuming they could order, receive, and eat their food that fast, and maybe they wouldn’t even need to talk while eating because, you know, they’re eating–

Kagome’s frustrated sigh broke him from his train of thought. “I swear, even if they were here they’d probably find some reason to flake on us later on, right?”

“Keh, no kidding,” he scoffed. “It’s all they do lately.”

Her eyes lit up with a mutual understanding, like a poorly structured dam that Inuyasha broke down instantly by saying just what had been on her mind for weeks. “Yeah! It’s really annoying! I mean, I get that things come up, but what’s so hard about carving out a few moments to spend with your friends?!” She then gasped and covered her mouth regretfully with her hand, lowering her gaze. “Oh… I shouldn’t say that. Especially not if Kirara is sick and all. I think I’m just tired…”

“Nah,” he brushed her off nonchalantly, not really caring if he seemed rude or dismissive of his friends’ struggles because damn it I know the truth they’re little lying sneaks and they’ve got something up their sleeve so don’t waste your sympathy on them Kagome, “you’re just tired of their shit. Don’t worry, so am I.” He propped his elbow on the table, cheek resting in his cupped hand as he absentmindedly perused the menu. It was just lunch. How bad could it be with only the two of them? Maybe he really could stuff his face and avoid conversation. Plan B and all that.

He exhaled in defeat, accepting that he wasn’t going anywhere for the moment. “Whatever. Let’s just eat, no sense wasting any more of our time. Their loss,” he trailed off, finger hovering over a picture of a steaming bowl of tonkotsu ramen. He’d already forgotten about the street hotdog.

“Mhm,” she cheerily agreed. “This was my suggestion anyway. I love this place, it’s one of the first restaurants I stumbled across when I dared to venture off campus after moving out here. The tonkotsu ramen is to die for…”

Well, at least she had good taste in food.

After they’d both ordered their lunch, waited around fifteen minutes for it to come out, and began slurping away at their noodles, Inuyasha counted maybe about five or six sentences exchanged between them. And “yeah” and “I guess” counted as sentences in his book.

So far in their forced conversation he’d learned that she liked spicy food, and she’d learned that he didn’t. She was studying early childhood education, and he was studying occupational therapy. They also discovered they both weren’t from the city, but from small towns out in the countryside, in opposite directions from Tokyo. He learned her family had a shrine, and she learned his family had a farm. All in all, Inuyasha figured that was probably enough discovery for one day.

He had to give her credit, though; despite his often gruff responses and lack of eye contact, she… Appeared to take a genuine interest in what he was saying. Every response from her was peppered with an ooh or aah, and when she heard the word “farm” she sounded like a kid at a petting zoo when she asked about what kind of animals his family raised. “Like chickens and pigs and cows? Horses?!”

“Uh, here and there. Kind of. Mostly chickens. Oh look, our food’s here.”

To his satisfaction, the ramen was delicious, much better than the cheap stuff he’d scrounged up during the school year when he was short on cash. Why did they always have to meet at the campus bar if this place existed? And you could always order a beer with your meal here too, if you really wanted, so what was the point of ever going to a bar in the first place? What kind of people was he even friends with? How stupid–

He heard Kagome sniffle from her seat across him and watched as she self-consciously covered her nose and mouth with a napkin. Her eyes were red, and the rest of her face wasn’t far behind. “Ahh, this always happens… The spice is soooo good, but sometimes I still can’t handle it!” She laughed nervously between sniffs as she tried to be discrete, shrinking in on herself to somehow try and make the display less obvious.

“Yeah, that’s why I don’t mess with that stuff. My senses are too sensitive as is.” He wrinkled his nose in disgust; the broth in Kagome’s bowl was liquid fire, with flecks of red chili flakes, and he could smell the flavorful heat from where he sat as it threatened to singe his nostril hairs. She must be pretty tough to handle all that and only get a runny nose, though, which was more than he could say for himself. He remembered not-so-fondly when Miroku cooked spicy curry over at his place one evening, and Inuyasha thought his taste buds would be shot for the rest of his life…

“Miroku nearly killed me with curry once,” he decided to finish out loud, between bites. “Everything I ate for the next week tasted like gunpowder. I drank a whole gallon of milk that night to get rid of the pain, and I don’t even like milk.” Kagome laughed and he couldn’t tell if the tears in her eyes were from laughing or if the spice was really getting to her now, but she was laughing pretty hard, and Inuyasha felt a smile tugging at his lips that he couldn’t fight.

“Oh my gosh,” she said, catching her breath, “no wonder he and Sango took those cooking classes together. She probably heard what he did to you and wanted to save herself from the same fate.”

He let out a little chuckle at that one. “I don’t doubt it,” he said.

This really wasn’t too bad. Kagome certainly had a personality, though he guessed he never really noticed before while hanging out at the bar with Miroku talking like he’d never run out of air. And her laughter was kind of infectious, especially when they took turns telling a ridiculous story about either one of their mutual friends. She always seemed like she never had anything to say other than smiley agreements and polite suggestions, but truth be told she had some spunk in her, a little bit of fiery edge to go with her brightness. He didn’t even realize they were eventually chatting in front of empty bowls until the waitress came around again and placed their bill on the table.

Suddenly, he was aware of his situation again. Wasn’t this supposed to be a half hour thing? Was he actually extending this little plot of Miroku and Sango’s? He needed to go find his fucking “friend” and hang him over the balcony or something for revenge, not dawdle here with all these damn pleasantries. Focus, Inuyasha. Remember how you ended up in this to begin with.

He rifled through his pockets and placed enough money on the table to at least cover his half, then pushed himself out of his chair, feeling heavy and sluggish from all the food but still motivated into action. “Well, I gotta get going. Tell Sango I hope Kirara feels better,” he said, already gathering his things to leave. Surprise at the suddenness flashed across Kagome’s face, but she nodded in understanding nonetheless.

“Mm, I’m sure she’s fine. You know how they are,” she jested and winked playfully, and he didn’t really know why she was winking, if it was a come on you know they’re lying about that right wink or if it was something else entirely, but in any case, he responded by blinking twice and then walking away with a wave from behind, not in any place to overthink things at the moment. “Keh, right.”

He headed briskly for Miroku’s apartment.

“Inuyasha! Good to see you, how–”

“Are you fucking serious.”

Miroku smiled genuinely and it made Inuyasha want to punch him in the face. “How did it go?”

“How did what go? Lunch for two? Nevermind that, how’s that sick cat of Sango’s? She throw up all over your shit yet? Because she should.” Inuyasha nudged his way through the doorframe where Miroku stood with that stupid face of his, and watched as the other man closed the door to his apartment. “Wait, no, of course. She wasn’t really sick! Because you’re a sneaky asshole and that shouldn’t surprise me by now but here we are.”

Miroku made a soothing gesture, attempting to look blameless and all things holy and right. “Ah, Inuyasha, you misjudge me. Sometimes, a good friend is not just one that will do whatever you want them to do. Sometimes, being a good friend means doing what you should do for others, even if those others might disagree with you. So you see, I was simply helping you along a path I am sure you will want to follow, though it may seem daunting at the moment.”

“Daunting?!” Inuyasha shouted, his face wild and hot with anger. “What the hell makes you think this is a ‘path I’ll want to follow’ or whatever the fuck?! What does that even mean?! Why do you have an agenda for my life suddenly?! Wh–”

“So it went badly?” Miroku lamented, deflated and with probably the most pathetic pout Inuyasha had ever seen. God, he was so punchable.

He plopped on the couch and hesitated for a moment, remembering an hour or so earlier when he’d met with Kagome for lunch. Badly? No… It went fine, really. But it’s the principle of it all! It was supposed to be the four of them, and they got ditched again! But it wasn’t like a death sentence or anything… Okay, it wasn’t terrible, fine. It was even kind of nice sometimes. And the food was really good. Is lunch ever really a disaster if the food is good? He thought not.

“It didn’t go badly, no. But still. What the hell, Miroku.”

He shouldn’t have given him any leeway with that response, because in the next moment, Miroku’s eyes were practically sparkling, and he looked like an excited child eagerly awaiting the next words out of Inuyasha’s mouth. “It didn’t? So it went well? What did you talk about? Do you like her even a little bit? Inuyasha, please, give me something. I’m positively giddy, I need to know.”

Inuyasha rubbed the bridge of his nose with regret. Is this what happened when you became a couple? Because he could swear he was talking to Sango right now, too. “I told you it wasn’t bad! What more do you want? We talked, we ate food, and then I left to come here and possibly kick your ass.”

“But,” Miroku stressed, urgent and leaning forward, begging the question. “But did you enjoy yourself?”

Inuyasha grit his teeth. “Fine. I did. She’s not awful to talk to. Are you happy? Positively giddy?” He propped his feet up on Miroku’s coffee table, leaning back and closing his eyes. “I’m so glad for you, really. You’re a great friend.”

“Your sarcasm is duly noted and dismissed because I know that deep down, you know I really am, Inuyasha,” he said dreamily, sitting beside him on the couch. “You know, you’ll thank me for this one day. I’ll be giving my best man speech at your wedding, and I’ll raise my glass and tell of the first date you and Kagome ever had, how it was all possible because of–ow! That’s my throw pillow! Easy, easy!”

“Shut the hell up!” Inuyasha growled, thwacking him a few more times and then getting up to leave. “I’m outta here. I can’t wait to not be around your sorry ass for a few days.”

Miroku rubbed the back of his head sheepishly while he watched his friend retreat, then suddenly remembered.

“Inuyasha! Sango’s birthday this weekend. We’ll meet up downtown to see the light show at the plaza fountain and go from there. See you then?”

“Oh, I don’t know, you gonna actually be there?”

“Well, it’s Sango’s birthday, so I mean, I’d say… Definitely?”

“Oh. Right,” Inuyasha blushed. “Well, I still don’t trust you. But okay.”

Miroku beamed. “We’ll see you there! I promise!”

The days came and went, and Inuyasha spent them tending to his own affairs, using some alone time to tune up a couple things at home and get in a few good workouts. For what it was worth, he did get an apology phone call from Sango for the lunch debacle earlier in the week. She’d mentioned how Miroku was the one that told Kagome about Kirara getting sick, but that he’d used her phone to do it. “I’m not one to lie about that sort of stuff,” she empathized. “But, well… Miroku convinced me that it would all work out okay. Still, I’m sorry for going along with it.”

He’d brushed her off, hearing the sincerity in her voice and repeating that it’s whatever, it happened, it’s not the end of the world. There’d been a small silence before she’d softly asked him, “But… She’s nice, isn’t she? I hope you two still had somewhat of a good time.”

“Uhh, yeah,” he’d stammered out. “I guess.”

“I’m glad. Take care, and see you in a couple days.”

Thinking back on the conversation made him antsy, or maybe guilty, or maybe both. He’d been keeping himself busy lately, but now, having time to remember hanging out with Kagome… He felt a little silly being so fussy about meeting up with her alone. She wasn’t a bad person to have lunch with. And if she wasn’t a bad person to have lunch with, she probably wasn’t a bad person to eat dinner with either, or whatever else. But the thought of giving Miroku any pleasure by letting him be right even on one account was just too much. Tell the guy Kagome isn’t the worst person in the world to hang out with, and he’s already checking rates for a bed and breakfast in the mountains.

In any case, it was Sango’s birthday, so he’d have to be on his best behavior, and that meant at the very least not giving either of them a hard time. And also making nice with Kagome. Which wouldn’t be all that hard, considering that they maybe, kind of, sort of hit it off…

“Oi! Kagome!” Inuyasha spotted her in the crowd, her vibrant green sweater easy to see in the sea of people swarmed together at the plaza. It was already sunset, which meant the light show would be starting not too long from now, and everyone was flocked together to watch. Did Sango really have to choose this packed of a place to start off the night? His senses were overwhelmed completely, loud noises and weird smells and he could swear he felt at least three people’s body parts on his own body parts and he’d really like to be home right now but it was Sango’s fucking birthday, so whatever.

Kagome inched her way over to him and his waving arm in the air, squeezing through the mass of people with a grimace. “Oh, thank goodness! I thought I’d never find you guys.” She looked over his shoulder and to either side of him, confusion spreading across her face. “Wait, where are Miroku and Sango?”

“I thought they were with you.” He narrowed his eyes.

Wonderful.

Not one to fall into this trap without a fight, Inuyasha took out his phone immediately and rifled through his contacts. Too loud to talk in this place, so a text would have to suffice. He tapped furiously to Miroku. ‘Where the hell are you two?’

‘Up at the front,’ he got in response a moment later. Inuyasha motioned to Kagome to start making their way toward the front, while he sent another text, ‘We’re in the back.’

Okay, this wasn’t completely a bust. They were apparently here somewhere, they’d just have to find them. Kagome made a bee-line toward the outside of the crowd, and Inuyasha followed, grateful to make the trek up to the front in a more open space instead of being surrounded by sweaty people. He rushed up to walk alongside her, mumbling a couple of choice words under his breathe like “seriously” and “unbelievable,” but upon catching up to her, he stopped.

Kagome looked… Happy. Not annoyed, unless she was just doing a great job of hiding it. She had something of a pep in her step, and Inuyasha found it a challenge to not feel a little more at ease with her around, her relaxation and happiness a powerful counter to the petulance bubbling up inside him. “Why are you so cheerful?” He questioned, trying to disguise his interest in her answer.

Her cheeks were lightly tinted, surprised he’d been paying attention to her appearance that much, but she gave him a small smile. “I actually love this light show. I remember coming into the city when I was a kid and I thought it was the most beautiful thing, and back then the pyrotechnics were probably nothing compared to now.” She nervously fidgeted with her hands and cast her gaze down while she walked.

Something about the way she talked about the lights made Inuyasha envious… He’d already seen this damn thing last year, and it was neat and all, but to have that sentimentality for it would probably make it seem spectacular. 

“Well,” Inuyasha offered, “I don’t know what it was like back then, but Sango flips out over it still at her age, so you’ll probably have the same reaction.” That seemed to satisfy her enough, and for the first time he wondered about Kagome outside of just this moment, walking together to the front of the plaza, and instead thought of what her face might look like during the light show, how wide her eyes might be when she sees the grand finale and all the colors illuminating the sky. No way she wouldn’t be impressed if she was that crazy about it as a kid. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t at least kind of anticipating her reaction.

They made it to the front and shimmied their way back into the crowd, keeping their eyes peeled for Miroku and Sango, but no luck. The sun had already set by now, and the lack of light made it that much more difficult to identify anyone in the swarm of people. Inuyasha felt himself losing his patience again. He was subjecting himself to sensory overload, and for what? Two people who probably weren’t even here?! At least he had Kagome to keep him company in the misery, but even then–

Wait, what? No. Nonononono. Absolutely not.

‘Where are you?!’ He texted Miroku again. This was too much. He and Kagome pushed through the crowd to end up at the other side of the front, him looking disheveled and just about done for the day, and her looking puzzled, still scanning her eyes across the pool of people to find their friends. Inuyasha damn near threw his phone against the pavement when he got a text back from Miroku that read ‘In the back! Where are you?’

“Come the fuck on!” He yelled, and Kagome was thankful for the loud buzz of the people around them to drown him out, otherwise she’d be mortified. He cocked his head back in the direction they came from. “They went where we were before. Of course.”

She laughed, if only to convey how ridiculous this all was. “Of course!” She repeated, and followed suit, heading down the stretch all the way back to the plaza entrance with him. “Well, at least we know they’re here?”

“Keh, for all we know he could be pulling our leg again. That’s the future lawyer for you,” he said, trying to calm himself down just a bit. “Always pulling something out of his ass.”

Kagome thought for a moment that maybe they could be ditching them again, but… On Sango’s birthday, of all days? It seemed unlikely. “Let’s keep trying. I’m sure we’ll find them!”

Her optimism wasn’t as off putting to him as it should have been. In fact, he kind of believed her. Before he could give any sort of response - agreeable or sarcastic, he hadn’t decided yet - the few streetlights around them dimmed, and cheers erupted from all around as orchestral music played loudly over the sound system. Kagome let out a gasp and turned to him. “It’s starting! It’s starting!” she tugged at his sleeve, and he just kind of… Let her do it. I mean, with as excited as she was, he didn’t want to put a damper on it by telling her to knock it off, I get it, I have eyes and ears, leggo of me already.

“Yeah, we’ll find them after,” he murmured to himself, watching the fountain begin to spray a fan of water over the lake in front of them while projections danced along the surface it created, lasers bouncing from the lake and reflecting off of Kagome’s bright, captivated eyes. The boom of fireworks shooting into the sky made them both jump, but she quickly recovered with a delighted giggle and a few claps of her hands. The fireworks burst across the night sky in an array of shapes and colors, sunbursts and falling stars and flowers, all in time with the swell of the instruments, and even he had to admit it was amazing, though maybe more so considering the girl next to him couldn’t tear her eyes away from the show for a second.

He wasn’t sure if it was just the excitement surrounding them, the music that was so loud it made the railing around them vibrate, or the abrupt blasts of fireworks, but Inuyasha’s heart was racing. It wasn’t a feeling he was used to, nor did he particularly like it, but it wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, either. Just… Different. A change. He turned his head toward Kagome, who was still staring with her mouth agape at the display before them, earrings catching the multicolored lights and when the hell did he start noticing her earrings, or even the smell of her perfume, amidst all the fried food and cologne and whatever else was stinking up the air, but she smelled sweet and her hair wasn’t usually too curly but today it kind of was, like maybe she spent a little extra time or something to make her hair look bouncier? Was that the word? Or maybe shinier? But for what who knows–

“Isn’t it beautiful?” She breathed out, hands clasped closely to her chest.

He swallowed the lump forming in his throat.

The rest of the night was loud, and smelled like alcohol, and yet everything to Inuyasha sounded as though it were filtered the way noise might carry to someone who was under water. They ended the night at a more lively, glitzy bar than their usual hangout spot, and Miroku had to ask him multiple times if he wanted to take a birthday shot (”How many fucking shots can be called a ‘birthday shot’ tonight?” “If it’s happening today, then it’s a birthday shot! Are you allergic to fun? How is that working out for you?”), because his mind was just… Elsewhere; figuring things out, reading into and making sense of expressions and gestures and questions and answers.

By the time the festivities drew to a close, Sango was giggly and red-faced and clung to Miroku’s neck like a bib, and Miroku’s face was that of a man so indulged and satisfied you could swear the birthday sex already fucking happened. Kagome, meanwhile, had a light flush, but nothing suggesting she was anywhere near Sango’s level. Inuyasha managed to come back to Earth for a moment to motion to the rest of them that it was time to round up and get going, ushering them out of the bar and preparing to wave down a taxi.

“Ah! Actually,” realization dawned on Kagome’s face, “my place isn’t far from here, maybe just a couple blocks.” She tucked her scarf into her coat and fished her gloves out of her pockets. “You guys go ahead, I’ll see you all tomorrow for brunch!”

A cab drove up to the curb and Miroku opened the door with a greeting to the driver, urging Sango to slide in while holding her hand to help steady her. “Inuyasha, you coming? Your place is on the way, right?”

He watched Kagome walk off without a care in the world. What the hell was she thinking? It was past 2 in the morning and she was tipsy, and they were close to downtown, and she was walking by herself–

Mentally, he kicked himself. 

“You two go on ahead,” he said over his shoulder. “And for your sake, give that poor girl some water when you get home.”

Miroku’s grin could split his face in two. “She’s in good hands, friend. You go take care of Kagome,” he read Inuyasha’s mind. “Can’t have a pretty girl out this late on her own.”

The other man let out a half-hearted keh before jogging to catch up to the aforementioned pretty girl (’It’s not that she’s pretty, okay, she’s alone at this time of night and that’s dangerous no matter what, shut up!’), calling out for her. Kagome turned to see him stop beside her. “Inuyasha…?” she said, waiting with expectant eyes.

He gulped. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m just making sure you get home safe.” He knew his face would turn redder by the second, so he looked away from her curious face and hurried them along, pulling his scarf up to his nose for warmth.

She stood there for a moment before he heard the tell-tale sound of her heels clicking on the pavement as she followed, appearing again at his side. “That’s… Really nice of you. Thanks,” she said softly.

They walked the few blocks to her apartment in companionable silence, and she carried herself well, barely wobbling at times - though he figured it could have been her feet hurting and not the drinks she had that night. She occasionally gripped his arm during the last stretch, when it seemed her legs were about to give out, and she whispered “I’m sorry” and he muttered “It’s fine” from the safety of his scarf, thankful it covered as much of his face as it did. In hardly any time at all, they stopped in front of what Kagome identified as her place.

“Thank you again, Inuyasha,” she smiled up at him, and before he could mumble something detached in reply she threw her arms around him in a tight hug, her cheek pressed heavily to his chest, and time must have slowed for him because he could swear an entire minute passed during the five seconds of that hug, and he hoped hoped hoped she didn’t catch his heart beating during all that, because it sure fucking was, and it was also pounding in his ears, but how could he hear anything when the smell of her shampoo was just there right underneath his nose completely overwhelming every other sense of his, and suddenly he was under water again.

He was frozen in place and didn’t even notice Kagome scurry up to her building’s door while he remained there on the sidewalk, wide-eyed, a chorus of whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck singing in his head.

“Are you sure, Inuyasha? I actually was really craving crepes this morning–”

“Nah, it’s fine. Something came up.”

“Well, alright. This is my karma. I’ll let Kagome know?”

“I’ve got it.”

“You’re gonna reach out to Kagome of your own free will? Why, Inuy–”

“Shut up.”

“I’m just saying, this is a little uncharacteristic, but not unwelcome! So tell m– hello? Helloooo?”

Kagome sat at a table for four, glossing over the menu and licking her lips in anticipation of sinking her teeth into a chocolate and strawberry crepe, or maybe banana coconut french toast, or no, what about an omelette? Maybe she could sucker Sango into ordering one thing and Kagome could get the other, and they could share! Brilliant. Genius.

She looked up from her menu just in time to see Inuyasha sit down across from her. Good, he got here first! She was hoping to have a minute to thank him for last night again, and apologize for being so tipsy and impulsive. Definitely the after-effects of too many cocktails. But, well, that was a little strange to get into out of nowhere… So she settled with a “good morning” and handed him a menu. “Looks like those two are ‘late’ again,” she joked, unable to help herself from giggling at their recent inside joke with one another. And it wasn’t a bad ice breaker, either!

Inuyasha blushed. “Um, actually, I… Told them not to come.”

Kagome blinked. “Oh,” she said, her mouth round in surprise as she pieced it together.

“Oh,” she repeated, quieter this time, and smiled.

[bitter-ramblings]

Tw: rape, sexual abuse

Pretty heavy stuff, major viewers discretion advised. 

I’ve been sexually abused for as long as I can remember. Boom, that’s a fucking bombshell.

As with a lot of people who were abused young, my abuser was a family member, my cousin in fact. He’d got only one year on me, but that year was enough. I don’t remember a time when we weren’t playing with each other, every Sunday we’d be locked in the back kitchen after dinner and be left to our own devices. I remember one time we were caught naked covering each other in ink stamps.

Of course, as he got older he learned more and wanted to explore more, and I didn’t know enough that I needed to stop him. Not till I was 11 and received sex education from a shitty video at primary school, prior to that I had no idea about anything. After that, I became a lot more wary, fearful of pregnancy (hadn’t begun menstruating at that time but I was scared all the same). He wanted to have sex properly, but I was scared of the pain, so his answer to that was anal.

In order to alleviate my fear of losing my virginity (an outdated concept I fucking loathe) I broke my own hymen using a fragrance bottle, hurt like a bitch but I didn’t bleed. I kind of felt a surge of pride that no one would ever be able to hurt me like that. By the time we were 16 this behaviour had dwindled practically into nothingness, he visited less and less and we both moved on. He got himself a girlfriend, and I… Was terrified of everyone. I very rarely see him these days, only at family gatherings and then he refuses to be alone with me.

When I was 14 in high school there was a boy I talked to called Carl, again he was a year older than me. Carl was previously in a relationship with my friend Mousey, and he pined over them something terrible and decided that he’d try and worm his way back in by taking advantage of me. Me, being the naive kid that I was. He invited me over to his house to meet his dog, who he punched and abused, he does not deserve a dog so sweet and loving at all.

He’d just come back from holiday and had brought back some absinthe, which I then foolishly drank and it put me on my arse. I remember him pulling me upstairs and pushing me onto the bed. I was unable to speak coherently, so I put my hands over myself. He flipped me over and had his way with my backside. It was quick at least. Afterwards, I staggered to the bathroom and cleaned myself up, he followed me and laughed when he saw he’d made me bleed. He then left me where I was and went downstairs to watch Scrubs. I fucking hate that show. I had to walk home.

I wasn’t sexually active again until I was 18 and going to Reaseheath College, studying to be a zoologist. It strange I used to have ambition, but that was squashed pretty quickly. I wasn’t friends with anyone (had a really bad time, more on that another story), I was just wandering aimlessly around the campus in the cold, trying not to cry because of how fucking miserable I was. I was approached by Dei, a welsh farming student at the college, 1-3 years older than me. He approached me and asked me if I was okay. I was in such a bad place that I actually just tried to sidestep him. He persisted and introduced himself, asking if I needed a friend and somewhere to go. He told me he’d find me later as he had class.

Soon I was invited back to his room and we spent out time together watching Eddsworld and Tomska, at first. He was pursuing a girl called Becky but somehow deluded himself that he thought I liked him. I liked him as a friend, but he’d always say “don’t fall in love with me okay?” And it pissed me off to no end. For someone so interested in someone else he was eager to stick his cock in my mouth. He’d frequently urge me to do things because he wanted to help me ‘learn’. He frequently treated me like a child because of my inexperience and would talk down to me. 

I’d go to his room for a nap, or just to get away from the hell I was already putting up with at college. I started just blanking him out, letting him go about his business, just focusing on the videos. Ironically Darksquidges sex education is one I remember watching. (Funnily enough, Tom Ridgewell, the owner of both Darksquidge and Tomska, his videos are a good coping mechanism for me, both he and Edd from Eddsworld were very dear to me growing up, and I managed to regain joy in watching them.) Dei bit my ear so hard he damaged the cartilage. He never knew when to stop.

At the same time, this was happening I met Tyler, also at Reasheath, also 1-3 years older than me. (Not Tyler Durden, but close.) The first time I ever met Tyler I was in the library doing some work, he approached me and told me I sit funny. He then sat beside me and started telling me his life story of being born in Malaysia and how evil his parents are. He also hated Dei, and was friends with the aforementioned Becky. He told me he wanted to save me from Dei, which I thought was complete bullshit.

After meeting me twice he declared himself my boyfriend. He’d frequently touch me in public, and once I got him off in the library. He’d frequently drag me into the disabled toilets. The first time we went in there, he made me give him a blowjob and he came in my mouth, which I specifically asked him not to do. His cum was gross, and he started doing it regularly. He’d buy me a strawberry YOP as an 'apology’. He told me he loved me and it made me feel sick, but what was worse was that he seemed to genuinely believe that he did.

Once I reported him for assaulting me. Do you know what they said to me? “Are you sure? He’s such a nice boy. Did you lead him on? Maybe you misunderstood.” That made me feel like absolute shit and nothing was ever followed up with it. I eventually left Reaseheath with no qualifications because of all the distress I was in.

When I was 20, I’d gone back to my local college and was once again studying animal management. And I was so happy. It was the first time I was openly trans, and I was accepted and validated by my classmates every day. They were false friends and I couldn’t stand any of them, but they made me feel good about myself. One person, in particular, was a lad named Reece.

We had a lot in common and I liked him, but he wasn’t into guys and was pining after the resident pretty girl of the class. She made it pretty clear he’d got no chance and he took it really hard, I supported him throughout. One time we were watching Full Metal Alchemist brotherhood on his bed and he turned to me and kissed me. I was understandably thrilled and soon had his shirt off. Everything was all well and good as he undressed me, except for the fact that I actually neglected to tell him I don’t have a penis. Him being a straight guy you’d think this would be a good thing but apparently not. He went down on me, but soon just straightened up and announced: “this is wrong.” And stomped away. He actually left the house, leaving me in his bedroom naked. I got dressed and went down, asked his mum to keep an eye on him because “I think I made a mistake” and then walked home. He refused to talk to me or even look at me for the rest of the academic year, and still to his day ignores me if he sees me walking by.

That same year, Tyler was in Stoke and invited me out for drinks, I foolishly agreed because apparently I never fucking learn. I went to Wetherspoons with him and his friend James. They got me drunk, drove me to the local park and they took turns with me. This was the first instance of vaginal penetration via a penis I’d encountered, so by conventional standards, I lost my virginity at the age of 20, in a threesome whilst being guilty as all fuck over Reece.

My asexual pal Mousey got sick of people saying “you can’t be asexual if you’ve never had sex” and I was chosen as tribute. It was quite an honour to be honest, that they trusted me with their body in this way. They came and offered to reciprocate, but I declined the offer. I didn’t want them to do something they’d regret. This happened a few times but they are most definitely comfortable in their asexuality.

For my 21st birthday, I went on a tinder date with someone who became very dear to me. Sex with him was easy and passionate, I wasn’t afraid, I trusted him so easily. What I wasn’t aware of was that he was in a relationship at the time (shit was really fucked up and it’s not my business to go into details or judge), and his having sex with me brought an end to the relationship. He taught me the poly ways and introduced me to his other partners.

I was so happy, I felt included and cared about for the first time. We got together officially after Halloween, with some very passionate hotel sex as a celebration. Things were good, he introduced me to his friends and I went to the pub quiz with them. I felt like I’d found my place. But then as so often happens with me, shit got fucked real quick.

He had to break up with one of his partners due to issues they were having, he got together in a neat little triad (like holy shit they are so cute), but his mental health took a dive so badly, he couldn’t spend any time with me. At that time I was going through some bad shit myself, in fact, I attempted suicide. I started drinking too much and making a nuisance of myself. I didn’t feel appreciated, called him pompous. He always felt he knew best and treated me like a child. Probably because I was acting like it, but I’ve never liked ‘holier than thou’ attitudes. 

I started to feel that he didn’t want me to be part of his world anymore. The invitations to go places with him stopped, the kisses and the murmured 'i love you’s. He outright refused to take me to kink events, “it’s too much for you” “you don’t have to get into kink” without any regard to the fact that I wanted to explore who I am. He labelled me a “blue player” meaning I can't reach orgasm with another person. Maybe that’s true, but I didn’t appreciate him not trying very hard.

Because of my past history, he wouldn’t treat me roughly, he wouldn’t hold me down and take me. I think he choked me twice and that was more to show that he could after I goaded him for being a chicken. He always treated me like I was delicate, and I ended up resenting him for it. The roughest thing he ever did, he did when drunk and can’t remember it. (A lot of the sex we had was when we were drunk, maybe that says something) He held my head and throat fucked me then came on my face… Then fell asleep. And they say romance is dead.

There was one time I really needed him with me, and he physically could not get out of bed to help me, utterly crippled by the weight of his own depression. I didn’t blame him, I know how he feels. That’s when I knew I needed to let him go. He didn’t need me, we couldn’t help each other the way we were now.

I let him go on valentine’s day. I miss the time I used to spend with him, but we weren’t doing each other any favours towards the end, I think I made the right decision for the both of us. He is happy with his partners, and it brings me joy to see them so happy together.

Last time I had sex was January 25th, at a cuddle and play party. There were so many lovely people there and it was such a lovely environment. Curse my shyness. But I did meet up with the two people I’d been most eager to meet. Now that was a good night. Lots of exploration and good times, it was very playful. (Best dick I’ve ever had was attached to a woman) I was fucking baffled when I was asked what I like and how I like it. I was never really given many options previously. But after all was said and done, my mental state just crashed and I froze, I went to sit under a table away from other guests because I was so overwhelmed by everything. Both of them were so understanding, and I managed to talk to a few more people before the night was through.

The thing that fucks me up most in regards to sex is that I can have someone completely at my mercy, pinned under me and begging for me… And then I look down… And I don’t have a penis. The shock and horror I feel is incomparable to anything else. The fact that I will never be able to feel myself sliding into someone and fucking them senseless is honestly something that brings me great distress.

Maybe that’s why I like Doggystyle so much, my eyes are facing forward, I don’t look down and see what I’m missing. It’s such a headfuck to just not see a penis there, I cannot explain the bizarreness of it. Mostly just rambling. At some point, I’ll be doing a post about kinks as I’ve been specifically asked about what they are and where they stem from.

[5hfanfiction]

FROM AFAR - CHAPTER 9

Lauren (9:54 am): Camz

Lauren (9:54 am): what time is your exam?

Lauren (9:54 am): i didn’t see you leave

Camila (10:00 am): after lunch

Camila (10:00 am): i left at 7:30

Camila (10:00 am): took me forever to fall asleep last night

Lauren (10:01 am): oh shit

Lauren (10:01 am): i saw you messing with your phone

Lauren (10:02 am): but i blacked out pretty soon

Camila (10:07 am): yeah i saw

Camila (10:08 am): there was a time that you got up and i thought you were talking to me

Camila (10:08 am): but then you turned to the pictures on the wall and you pointed at it

Camila (10:08 am): i don’t know if it was your dog or your little cousin

Lauren (10:12 am): OMG

Lauren (10:12 am): i remember that

Lauren (10:12 am): i remember getting up and saying something

Lauren (10:12 am): but i have no idea what was going on in my head

Lauren (10:12 am): hahahhaha

Camila (10:13 am): i was shit scared

Camila (10:13 am): not gonna lie

Camila (10:13 am): don’t ever do that again

Lauren (10:13 am): really?

Camila (10:13 am): yes lol

Lauren (10:13 am): ahahaha it was just a dream, camz

Camila (10:13 am): you can dream in your sleep

Camila (10:13 am): you don’t need to get up and talk

Camila (10:13 am): thank you

Camila (10:13 am): i don’t have to put up with that

Lauren (10:19 am): i think i was dreaming about cruella de vil

Camila (10:22 am): nooo

Camila (10:22 am): it was something cute

Camila (10:23 am): coz you talked with baby voice like you were talking to your dog or a kid lmao

Lauren (10:25 am): damn

Lauren (10:25 am): it was a dog for sure

Lauren (10:25 am): shit i can’t remember

Lauren (12:34 pm): good luck with the exam!!

Lauren (8:42 pm): mi casa, su casa

Camila (9:06 pm): i’ll come by in a while

Lauren (9:08 pm): after you ignored me….

Lauren (9:08 pm): i called you and you didn’t even look at me

Camila (9:10 pm): sorryyy

Camila (9:10 pm): in the hallway?

Lauren (9:17 pm): you little piece of shit

Lauren (9:17 pm): you know where

Camila (9:20 pm): i didn’t hear you, seriously

Lauren (9:20 pm): liar

Camila (9:20 pm): my roommate’s friends left *actually sobbing rn*

Lauren (9:20 pm): uhuuuull

Lauren (9:27 pm): anyway, if you wanna come by

Lauren (9:27 pm): i’ll be here :)

Camila (9:29 pm): okay

Camila (9:30 pm): be there in a bit

Camila (9:30 pm): i’m checking my email and i have to send something to lori

Camila (9:30 pm): but i’m not gonna sleep there

Lauren (9:30 pm): sure

Camila (9:30 pm): if i crash there pam will think i don’t live here anymore and she’ll bring more people

Lauren (9:30 pm): it’s okay

Camila (10:06 pm): are you going to study or watch another movie?

Lauren (10:07 pm): i won’t study

Lauren (10:07 pm): yeah we can watch something

Camila (10:09 pm): think about something to watch

Camila (10:10 pm): are you watching anything rn?

Lauren (10:10 pm): yeah it’s almost over

Camila (10:12 pm): let me know

Lauren (10:32 pm): come over bby

-

Lauren and I used to have our little banter almost every day and continued with our sleepovers. Yes, still holding hands with a very confused Camila. We both knew something was up but neither of us had ever said anything about the matter.

I shared an elective nutrition class with the rest of the group because Lori was too incompetent to find classes that would actually serve us somehow, and on that same week where everything was happening so fast between us, we had decided to look into our horoscopes during class. I know it’s disrespectful but that class was boring as fuck, and not one of us would had chosen to be there if we had a choice. Lauren used to sit beside me on the same desk every week and on that particular day we started to search for our zodiac signs personality traits. After reading up on everything, we switched to our weekly love horoscope. After we both silently read mine at the same time I felt the need to say something.

“Like I actually have a love life….that’s bullshit, nobody is interested in me anyway,” I purposely said. It wasn’t a complete lie though, I wasn’t accustomed to anybody taking notice in me but what’s new, right? But at the same time I wanted to get under Lauren’s skin, I knew she was paying attention to what she was reading, and she was paying attention to me. She didn’t say anything but I could feel her struggle to try to not look bothered by anything I had said or she had read. Also, I wanted to kind of provoke her, to maybe play hard to get by showing her that I wasn’t fully aware of her interest in me. Although I noticed those little things, I still wasn’t sure if what I was seeing was true, it could easily be my mind playing tricks on me. That was what confused me the most.

There has been a time when me and the girls crossed paths when I was coming back from class and they were going to theirs. We just exchanged a few glances and smiles, we had seen each other a few hours back after all, but Lauren complimented my outfit in a very suspicious way, at least that’s what I thought at the time. I just shrugged with wide eyes at Dinah and Ally like I didn’t understand why Lauren had said that, because they didn’t know about any of the stuff that was going on between me and her.

Another time she touched my leg from under the dining hall table, that little intimacy that most couples have, and I froze in place with the thought of possibly having that all the time in the future. She had flirted with me so many times which made me more confused. Sometimes I tried to distance myself from her, to try and sort things out on my own. Lauren was literally driving me crazy and I decided it was time for me to do something that either would confirm my suspicions or end everything for good. The only thing I was sure was that things couldn’t stay the way they were.

It was almost Halloween and we still didn’t know what to do. The fact that Dinah’s birthday was one day before halloween put some extra pressure on us to find something fun to do and celebrate both dates together. On one our little gatherings, Dinah found out that Skrillex was playing in New York City and she was a big fan. I wasn’t a big fan of his style of music and I knew neither Ally nor Lauren were too, but after seeing Dinah’s excitement we all agreed to go. She would be really happy and I would be spending Halloween in New York to the sound of a major artist of our generation so it was a win-win situation.

We didn’t have much time to plan our costumes, we didn’t have money to spend with that stuff too, we were already spending a lot with the bus and concert tickets. Needless to say that we wouldn’t book a hotel to spend the night because well, it was NY and the party would be going on through the whole night, so we’d catch the first bus in the morning.

The day of the show finally arrived. I had spent the whole week prior to that day discussing my relationship with Lauren with my friends from Australia, at the same time that everything was happening between us, and came to the conclusion that I would take that opportunity to solve the mystery once and for all. It was halloween and we’d be drunk for sure. If I tried something on her and things didn’t work out the way I had planned, I’d have the alcohol excuse and so would she. Also, It would be crowded and dark, and people wouldn’t pay attention to us anyway. That wouldn’t make it any easier though. It was a plan, but it would depend on me having the balls to do anything when the time comes.

We were getting ready to go and Lauren was doing my makeup because I’m too clumsy to do that kind of shit. We had decided to paint our faces like mexican skulls and just pick a black outfit. That would be cheap and it’d be cold there anyway. After everybody were done with makeup and clothes, we tried to take some photos. I have this weird habit of laughing at everything and anything, sometimes I would look at Ally and start to laugh out of the blue because I don’t know, her face was funny I guess. But this time I couldn’t stop laughing when we were trying to take pictures and the girls started to lose their patience, including Lauren. I literally couldn’t stop and it wasn’t my fault. They should’ve have known that at this point. But they behaviour towards me just made me grumpy afterwards.

“I can’t stop, it’s not my fault,” I tried to argue but I guess they didn’t care anymore. I was quiet for the rest of the trip to NY. As usual, Lauren sat beside me on the bus and guess what, Paul was bitching again.

“He said that he wasn’t okay with me going tonight but I told him on the day we had decided to go and he was fine with it. But now he’s changed his mind and told me to have fun and do what I’ve always wanted to do, like, what the fuck,” Lauren told me and I just laughed, I had to. I had nothing to say anymore and she knew it too. It was not my business and I was still pissed about the pictures earlier, but that piece of information gave me hope to what could happen later that night. Lauren was pissed at him and she sure would try to enjoy her time, just like he’d said. So I just closed my eyes and tried to rest for the rest of the trip.

We finally arrived and now was time to start drinking. We did know that you have to have money to drink in NY, so we had to drink beforehand because buying drinks there was a no-no. After eating some burgers and drinking some of our stuff, we headed to the pier where the event would take place. It was night time already and we gathered in line outside to wait for the gates to open. Ally and Dinah were drunk at this point, Lauren was tipsy but I wasn’t quite there yet.

“I wonder if today you’ll finally kiss a girl, Mila,” Ally brought it up. Indeed it was the perfect opportunity to finally lose my girl kiss virginity.

“I will try to help you, okay?” We were sitting on the sidewalk outside and I tried not to look at Lauren when our friend said that. I honestly didn’t know what would happen but I was okay with Ally’s help. I just shrugged at her comment not knowing what to say, but from my peripheral vision I saw Lauren getting uncomfortable with what she had said. Either she was planning on making a move too, or she felt awkward with the thought of me eventually kissing another girl that’s not her. But mostly likely it was just my imagination and Lauren was perfectly fine and didn’t care who I was kissing or not. By the time the gates were opened all of my friends were wasted, I felt like I wasn’t even near drunk which sucked because whatever would happen that night would require a drunk Camila.

So we bought a couple drinks from the bar inside the place and I almost had to sell one of my kidneys to pay for it but at least I would be drunk. We made our way to the front where some DJ was playing. The drinks were finally kicking in and the place was starting to get crowded. Ally decided it was time to put her plan on the move and started to ask any girl in front of her if they wanted to kiss me. I was so embarrassed at this point but she wouldn’t stop, until one girl gave me a peck on the lips. Of course it didn’t count as a kiss, in fact I had pecked my friends on the lips before, but that calmed Ally for a bit. I was glad to have her helping me, she didn’t know about Lauren but I knew she was just trying to help, and that I appreciated.

About an hour or so inside the party, and no sign of Skrillex yet, Dinah wanted to use the bathroom, so Ally went with her because the place was huge and it wasn’t safe to be alone in there and get lost, especially being drunk as we were. I stayed behind with Lauren. Neither of us were paying attention to the music at this point, it wasn’t like it we loved it anyway. We were talking when both of us spotted a guy near. He was handsome, so I turned to Lauren making an ‘ok’ sign with my hands to inform her about the cute boy. She then encouraged me to go talk to him. I don’t know why she did that, we were both intoxicated with alcohol but it really confused me.

I went anyway.

He really wasn’t into me, all he did was point in Lauren’s direction and I understood that he wanted her. I don’t know why but I was laughing like an idiot about the whole situation.

“Noooooo, she has a boyfriend,” I tried to speak over the loud music and turned in Lauren’s direction smiling like a retarded. But then he gave me a peck on the lips and kept pointing towards Lauren, like that was my reward for trying and now he had the right to claim his big prize. I didn’t care about it at the moment, I would choose her too because who wouldn’t? But that was a fucked up thing to do.

“Noooo,” I was trying to make him understand that he wasn’t getting anything from Lauren, not while I was around. The boyfriend excuse was valid but it didn’t apply to me. Also, I was okay with kissing other people and I forgot to think if that would affect Lauren’s feelings or not, if she had feeling for me at all. But at the same time I didn’t want her kissing somebody else besides me, just thinking about it scared me. What a hypocrite. I made my way back to Lauren’s side still smiling and leaving the stupid boy behind, it was funny when it happened and I didn’t care about any of it. I’m a really happy drunk person.

“What did he say?” Lauren was giggling.

“He wanted to kiss you but I said you were not available, stupid” I was giggling too. What an idiot. She didn’t say anything after that.

It was just me and her next to each other in the middle of the crowd and we hadn’t said anything for a while. Lauren was so close to me and I thought that was my chance, maybe the only I’d have, but I was fucking scared. I didn’t know what to do, “What does one do when trying to kiss a girl for the first time?”, “Should I ask her? No, that would be stupid”, my mind was running so fast. I thought about giving up the idea but I really wanted it to happen and I had promised myself to do something about our situation, there was a great opportunity and I wouldn’t waste it. So I just put my hand on Lauren’s lower back and that was it. It was what she was waiting for.

Lauren turned to me and we both leaned in for the kiss. It all happened so fast and so clumsily because of our conditions. It was a sloppy kiss. We were hungry for each other and our tongues were everywhere, so I intertwined my hand to Lauren’s hair for more stability. I don’t know how much that little make out session lasted but we both needed some air at some point. Now that Lauren’s lips weren’t against mine it felt kinda weird. I couldn’t look her in the eyes because I was so embarrassed about the kiss. That kiss mattered more than she would think. It wasn’t perfect or even romantic in a way, but it was my first time kissing a girl and that girl was nothing less than Lauren Jauregui. The Lauren that I looked after when she was sick. The girl that would hold my hand in her sleep, and cry on my shoulder when her stupid boyfriend was being an asshole. The one that would compliment me and give me attention when nobody else did. The one that could make me feel less lonely in the middle of my complex existence. What if she didn’t like it?

“The girls are taking too long”

“We should go look for them,” I couldn’t stay there alone with her with nothing to do or talk about. Ally and Dinah were the perfect excuse to get us out of that situation. I held her hand led her through the crowd. We met the girls halfway to the bathroom and now the four of us were making our way back to the same spot.

“Ally, I kissed Camz,” Lauren was giggling again and it seemed like she was drunker than before. Ally was so out of her mind and didn’t care much about it, just smiled. I pretended that I hadn’t heard it and continued making my way through the bodies in front of me. Not that they would notice if I did, though. When we reached our destination I rapidly grabbed my phone and texted one of my friends saying that I had finally kissed a girl. It may sound stupid and vain but it was a huge deal to me.

Friend: Okay, so you have to stop drinking now because I need you to remember every detail tomorrow when you tell me the full story, but I’m so happy for you, Mila <3

I laughed so hard at his words. I needed to tell my friends that it had finally happened, and it was Lauren, but that would have to wait until the next day. Yes, I would shamelessly kiss and tell.