#chloerivs

[chloerivs-blog]

A force to be reckoned with

Here’s a (minimally edited) excerpt from one of my morning pages, dated June 16th, 2023. Enjoy ♥

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I had so much planned for today. Not too much; just the right amount. Unable to focus or conjure up the energy to function like a real person, the day easily slipped away from my sweaty fingertips.

In a world engulfed by flames & greed, it is crystal clear that every second is beyond precious. Every decision you make has consequences, but it feels as if nowadays the stakes are the highest they have ever been.

The younger generations no longer have “their whole life ahead of them.” The Earth has had enough and Time will no longer slow down to save my wary soul.

Everything could disappear in an instant if the unstable blood-thirsty devils of humanity so decided. In a split-second we could be wiped out and not even know it.

The other path, the one looking more and more likely each day according to the news, is the Sun roasting us & the Earth swallowing us as the Moon watches in terror.

These scenarios are terrifying and too likely to give our collective mind a break. Yet, here I am, continuing to waste time while I have some left.

[…]

Creating is probably the only soothing thing in this world. It is a bit of a struggle at times, but always feels great nonetheless. It’s a conversation with myself but also with the Universe, the Divine.

The Arts have always called my name for as far as I remember. I’ve always known what I want & who I am, yet always felt pressured or compelled to hide it in pretty lies.

I always felt on the outside and hated the idea of adding more reasons why I couldn’t belong anywhere to the already never-ending list.

What do you really expect a child to say when asked what they want to be when they grow up? Happy! I want to live and have fun. I want to sing, I want to paint, I want to love. But when all the other kids are saying things like “nurse”, “teacher” or “firefighter”…

I have to say “veterinary”. I love animals and that’s a real job, which won’t make the class burst out in laughter like “singer” & “artist” would.

I lied, I lied & lied. So much that, for years, I didn’t even know the truth anymore. I bottled up my true self and dreams when I was three years old and painted my face in colours that would keep me out of trouble.

Oh, how I craved the attention–but the people pleasing values that I was taught made sure that I would never take up too much space; even in my own head.

[…]

It’s funny how over the years they shaped me into the same person that they didn’t like. Tell me I am: annoying when I am having fun; too loud when I am happy; too messy; moving too much; embarrassing; in the way; stupid; or even a nuisance, a pest.

Over so many years, tell me that I’m too much whenever I am just being me and then spend the rest of the time complaining that I’m not enough. Then I am too quiet, too still, too little…

[…]

There is a lot of shame, anger, sadness and power burried deep within me. I’ve always felt like the answers might be at the bottom of a bottle. Except I have been looking in the wrong bottles.

The one that I need is the dusty one at the back of my mind, on the darkest, dusty shelf, covered in webs and mould. Through all the storms that came & went & stayed, that shelf broke like my child heart everytime I would be shut down by the ones I love.

The bottle is broken and its content has been silently contaminating my entire being since January 2021. It’s a long process but it speeds up everytime I heed the calls of my inner child.

The voices grow stronger each day. They helped me start this new chapter and we’re going to be working together to shed some darkness, build Chloë again and fulfil each & every one of those dreams.

It’s on the way. I am happening. The pain is real and the process is frustrating, but I am digging within so I can save baby Chloë & all the versions of me that I’ve been grieving the past two years.

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Thank you for taking this short trip through my mind with me. I know this might not be particularly interesting, and your time is greatly appreciated. Feel free to share your thoughts below and let me know if you would be interested in reading more snippets from my morning pages!

[chloerivs-blog]

gravity owns you

The air never fills my lungs completely, most of the time I'm heaving through a hand sewn smile. No one has to know—look through me.

Long before this vessel was even made, something was already broken. Wires wouldn't know to embrace each other, parts couldn't fit together, and to this day, cannot move freely—They cannot remember their name.

Maybe it's the way my parents were never meant for each other, Or the way the Universe was vibrating when I was pulled from the sky To become one with my precious maman.

In a world so full of cracks that all the love falls through, it's hard to believe that anyone or anything could ever be made whole. The odds are quite slim that the Light will prevail, but someone has to believe—right?

I liked to think that I defied this apparent rule, but before I could even walk, the wine was leaking through my joints, and that non-existent smile. A fool for love, a fool for Light…

Faith like a poison keeping me hooked to a sweet delusion of grandeur, a narrative that someday somehow I could be something bigger. A distraction from the cracks—there from the start and deeper each passing second—through which all that is good is leaking as I fail to become.

Time digs a little deeper each day; the grave around me and the one within me. I've been taught complacency in misery. The bravery was only a disguise I was made to wear to comfort the ones that raised me, convince myself that my blood would suffice to pave the way.

Take it from me, the one who stole my mama's wings yet never learned to fly:

No matter who you pretend to be, What strengths you pretend to have inside of you, Gravity will always bring you back to this Earth.

Gravity will always remind you of what's true: the ground beneath our feet owns you.