#chimchiminiekookie

[chimchiminiekookie]

I mean I know Jimin's dancing is killer but never to that extent 😂

[chimchiminiekookie]

Hi Guys, so as some of you may have noticed, I started a new series. I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not but I really need some creative relief from all the stress I’m dealing with right now. I hope you guys love Soulless Youth, I’m kind of so-so on the title so I might be changing it but I have no ideas at all right now. Sorry for everyone who has been waiting on Between Worlds but the reaction from the last chapter was just really weak that I had to rethink my whole writing, like when I sat down to work on it literally nothing was running through my head. I’m really sorry. Right now I’m just trying to get Soulless Youth out there but it hasn’t really been blowing up so fingers crossed!

[chimchiminiekookie]

Update

‪Hey guys! Alex here, so I've been very MIA these past few weeks. I'm really sorry. I haven't been able to write or anything. I'm on this new medication that has me practically staying up all night and sleeping the whole day. My asks are filled with people asking me if I'm okay, and what's been happening to me, so I decided to mush it all together in one really long post. ‬ ‪I am not okay. I am broken beyond repair to be honest. I feel like there's nothing left to salvage from who I was.‬ ‪So recently, I was called toxic because I wasn't as happy as I could have been. Having depression and being treated like that is absolute shit. Let me just say. And in reply to this person I used to consider my best friend, I took a leap and tried to be the smaller person and explained to him how I was feeling and how it would feel if he were to be in my body. It all felt like it was my fault, I don't have enough understanding of my mind and how it works when you have this disorder in your brain, but I guess that's how I describe it. A disorder. This guy who I considered the world to me and I also considered my best friend called me toxic in a petty response when I asked him if he had any problems with me, he answered that he did and that apparently, I laughed at him during class (which I honestly don't remember, but like is also really fucking shallow to call someone out on and ignore and isolate that person) and in my last ditch effort to save the little sanity I had from actually trying to off myself, I told him about my thoughts, I'd been having them for weeks on end and it felt like I was being engulfed by them, I never wanted to get out of bed, and my concentration went for shit, it was terrible and I didn't want to talk to anyone but my closest friends and even then I tried to speak to them as normally as I could. I left him a message detailing how I've been experiencing everything, and everything going through my head. He left me on read. He left me on seen. When my brother found me, I was bleeding out and my mouth was foaming, I never told any of my classmates about why I didn't go to class for nearly a week. I begged my mom not to tell my dad and my sister, and she didn't. I continued to be isolated from my classmates because he was an outgoing person who kept choosing to interact with the people I started to hang around because I couldn't really hang out with them anymore. To be honest, I have never felt lonelier than I did those last two weeks of my Junior year in college, blaming someone for wanting to kill yourself never usually runs through your head, but all I was thinking was just that, how could this one fucking person make me want to kill myself? How could he make me hate myself so much that I actually believed that I didn't deserve to live? Every night I was crying, and I was a self harmer, I was going on 2 months clean until that happened, which caused a relapse. I felt like I had a fucking disease. One day, I come to class, my wrists are all bandaged up from the stint in the hospital and everyone's staring at me. They look at my wrists all bandaged, and start to whisper. Apparently what happened was my mom asked my other close friend if I was doing okay, and told her everything that I did to myself. She thought my former friend who called me toxic would be worried so she told him. He told the whole class about how I hurt myself and tried to kill myself. I was being treated like a disease, but with this new information, I was being treated like a fucking plague, they'd hide cutters from me and scissors and they'd stay rows and seats away from me, leaving me isolated. At one point just as I walked into class and took my seat, he goes running out and "sobs" in the hallway, this just makes everyone else attack me asking me what I did to him, why I made him cry. He wasn't the one being treated for severe depression, he wasn't the one being whispered about, he wasn't the one who had to pay hundreds of dollars just so some therapist would listen to him talk about his feelings, he wasn't the one everyone was avoiding, so please tell me how he became the victim and I became the bad guy, I feel like being with this kind of brain with these emotions, it's just a huge fucking toll on me you know? Like those people can say all this shit about me and how weird I am or how I must be pretending to be this way, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't wish this sickness on any one of them, that's how emotionally and mentally draining it is. It's like dying but having to keep moving even when you feel like there's nothing for you in the end of the line. I pushed through until the end of the year, but I felt like a freak. Come summer, my sister says to me that my former guy friend messaged her with a different account. Please be reminded that she had no idea what was going on with me. She gave me a vague answer, telling me that all he said was that I ws depressed, but her eyes were red and puffy, so I took that as a sign that she'd been crying. That night, she leaves her account open, I find the message, and once I read it, I realize he told her everything. He told her everything that I wasn't ready to tell her. He told her everything that should have been coming from me and said that he didn't reply to me because he was busy studying. I don't know how to describe it, it felt like my whole world was crumbling in front of my very eyes, the one place I didn't feel like a freak, that one place where nobody treated me like I belonged in a mental institution, he ruined it for me too. The next day, I notice all the knives are hidden away. I don't know if I've ever felt so betrayed before. ‬ ‪I felt like I was at fault again, but let me just say, when you have depression, and you tell yourself over and over that it's all your fault. It isn't okay? I swear to you that it isn't. Don't ever tell yourself that it is. To the shit people who make people like us feel this way, you guys should be fucking ashamed of yourselves. Learn to like take fucking responsibility instead of blaming things on other factors. "I was too busy fucking studying to realize she was going to fucking kill herself or to read one of her messages that was clearly reaching out for help", THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE, that is you shaking the blame off of yourself and clearing your conscience on something that was on you. It may be human nature to find ways to blame others but acting on it is all on you. I just want to say this to him though; "Fuck you. Fuck you for making me hate myself. Fuck you for thinking you're better than everybody else, fuck you because you blamed everything on me. Fuck you because you played the victim on my sister and even asked her to pass the message onto my mother, fuck you because you ruined my life you fucking asshole. I hope you're fucking happy that you ruined what used to be your best friend's life. I hope I never have to see again after graduation, you're fucking dead to me."‬ ‪Please offer your insights too. I really need advice and having no friends, I don't really have anyone to run to but you guys. I love you guys! And I swear m newest update will be up when I start feeling even the tiniest bit better. I'm really sorry if I disappointed anybody.‬

[chimchiminiekookie]

CHIMCHIMINIEKOOKIE UPDATE

Hey guys just wanted to update everbody.

Sadly, my laptop’s motherboard has completely crashed, so my laptop is fried, it’s broken it’s dead with everything inside it. So I’m starting ftom scratch. At first it just really got me depressed for a few days just because all my hard work was on it and now everything’s gone (especially my thesis) umm, yeah so I made this post when I felt at my best condition to make it. For now, I’m kind of in a slump so I’m not writing, but when I do get back, I’ll assure you guys that I will be writing stories and drafts manually so I won’t actually fall behind on my scenarios/fics/whatevs.

So, my babies are gone, my papers, stories, and everything since I never got the chance to save it anywhere else but my computer.

I just really wanted to apologize from the deepest crevice of my nearly nonexistent heart because there are many of you who actually do enjoy my writing which I appreciate with every bit of my being by the way. Uuum, it’s completely devestating, but I’m getting past it, I wont be able to get a new computer for a while so please be patient, again I am so freaking sorry :( I feel so bad oh my gosh.

It’s gonna take me about two to three months to get a laptop which is secondhand, so that’s about $140 dollars converted to US dollars since a new one would cost me like $590, I am so freaking sorry you guys. :’( I am so swamped and behind on all my papers for the first two months of this semester because if this shit thst’s happened, but it has to be accepted and I know some of you may think that I should just ask my parents but I really don’t think I can since I’ve made it such a huge deal to buy my own things since starting college. LOL, but you know I cried, I accepted it, I’m trying to move on and save up cash with no part time job or anything so goodluck to me! LOL I love you guys. if I can get my hands on a computer whether that be someone else’s or a computer at my university’s library or something and I’m done with the manually written chapter or fic, I swear on my own grave that I will post, but right now, I’ll need to do my papers first. then my writing after.

Thank you so much for understanding, I love each and everyone of you, please just wait and again, I am so freaking sorry.