#cheesomancy

[crshelidon]

Oh, well, at least I still have one spell.

It gets even funnier when you find the connected literature.

[galehowl]

I'm sorry, but we had Astarion turned into a stinky cheese wheel for a bit, I think this is so far the shining moment of all of my BG3 experience

[atrueneutral]

The Viability of Cheesomancy (Raphael x Tav)

—-

“You don’t know what you’re asking.”

“I do. It’s time to put an end to this nonsense.”

“Raphael,” Tav said seriously. “You’re asking to die.”

“Stop stalling, Little Mouse.”

Were there other mice around, Tav would have looked like the greediest of rodents as she stood in the middle of a grassy clearing with three wheels of Waterdhavian cheese at her feet. The wheels were not her doing; Raphael thought to surprise her by stealing her away, and he’d summoned the stack with a snap of his fingers alongside the challenge that she use them.

Not eat them.

Use them (as the deadly weapons she claimed they were) against him - the winged and horned fiend who dared to question the legitimacy of Cheesomancy.

“One is all I need,” Tav said while picking up the first hefty wheel.

The fiend smirked, “We will see.”

Compared to her daggers, the unwrapped cheese was dense and slippery, and both hands were necessary if she was to feasibly wield the wheel.

Odds told her defeat was imminent, but months of good-natured debate culminated to this point of actually needing to prove her point - that she was right, and he was wrong.

Therefore Tav was going to do her damndest to kill her lover.

A dramatic battle cry was released into the morning air, and her feet charged Raphael’s position, the wheel raised over her shoulder, prepared to smash a horned head.

Snap!

The wheel exploded into cheesy bits and pieces with a blast of fire and heat.

Tav momentarily froze in place, her hands holding nothing before she calmly spun around to grab the second wheel.

“Now that we’re warmed up…” she confidently announced.

There was a huff of a reply behind her.

For this subsequent round, Tav strategically held the newest wheel close to her chest - the hope being that Raphael wouldn’t risk harming her should he again desire to use magic.

“Ready?” Tav asked.

“For you? Always.”

Her lips quirked a fraction at his sentiment and she charged at the fiend once more, raising the wheel only when she was within arm’s reach of him-

Two clawed hands were quick in arresting her wrists, stopping her in place.

“Cheeseomancy is nothing but a crackpot concept,” he declared while using his strength to pry her hands away from the sleek surface of the cheese - the weight of which fell onto her shoulder before falling into the grass with a soft thump.

Raphael gently lifted her from the ground, and her eyes met a pair that burned like fire. “There is no worth to be found aside from the author who prospers from fools who buy his book.”

“I didn’t buy it,” Tav retorted.

He rolled his eyes and brought her in for a quick kiss on her lips. “My little thief.”

After setting her down, he stepped around her.

“‘One is all I need,’” he said mockingly. Raising a boot, he destroyed the second wheel with jingling force and thusly nodded for the last wheel.

Tav scowled as she shamefully walked back to retrieve her last wheel - her final hope.

“This is it,” she said to herself and the cheese she held.

“If you would be so kind, dearest - I have appointments I must get to.”

Tav’s eyes flicked up to the devil, and she sprinted for him without warning, the cheese kept low and against her abdomen. Similar to her second attempt, she feigned raising the wheel…

Raphael bought into the feint, his hands moving to intercept!

With foresight and speed, she ducked out of the way, her hands jerking downwards to then mightily jab the cheese upwards into his stomach. Raphael groaned as breath was ejected from his lungs. Not done yet, Tav maneuvered under a wing and rammed the wheel against the back of his knee, causing his weight to buckle.

The fiend fell to his knees, providing Tav a golden window of opportunity…

She hastily stood behind her foe and Waterdhavian was lifted into the air!

“Another crown for you!” Tav crowed with delight as she aimed for his horns.

Raphael suddenly twisted, enough power behind his wing to knock her aside. Stumbling to catch herself, the wheel slipped from her grip, and it began to roll away.

Tav went for it-

Snap!

And her last weapon of Waterdhavian exploded with hellfire.

She frowned as fiery, cheesy remains rained down.

“A valiant effort,” Raphael said in approaching her side. “And with this defeat, I expect to hear no more about the folly of Cheesomancy.”

Tav settled against him with a sigh, her arms wrapping around his middle. “It wasn’t a total loss…”

She glanced up at him with a smirk as her hand playfully patted his stomach.

Raphael’s eyes narrowed. “It’s a fault of mine that I seek to indulge you.”

“And I love you for it.”

Her beloved fiend hummed in satisfaction.

—-

[dani-the-goblin]

I can’t wait to see your answer my stardust, Dove:

🥚 how do they like their eggs, if they like eggs at all 🍾do they like alcoholic? If so what’s their preference 🫕 do they like cheese? :3

🥚

fertilized

They don't really like eggs. Gale absolutely sees that as a challenge.

🍾

Yes! Mermaid Whiskey is the all time favorite, but a good sweet or spiced wine will suffice in its absence.

🫕

Pah! "Do they like cheese?" If you think for a second they haven't had attempting Cheesomancy on their to-do list since they learned about it you got another thing coming, sunshine.

[melpcmene-arch]

time to learn cheesomancy to turn astarion into a cheese wheel

[chaoticbard]

The Book of Cheesomancy

Best book in the game? Best book in the game.

[cheesom-blog1]

Q: who are me?

Me: im cheesom.

Q: whats that?

Me: cherry blossom..

Q: what the reason choose this name?

Me: nothing reason.

Q: why?

Me: i just like that, and i choose it.. hmm.. i want make everyone flowering.. 🌸🌸🌸🌸

My life so usual, i want everyone life so wonderful

[zdravojeme-blog]

Plnená cukina s cottage cheesom

Menšia cukina, cottahe cheese, menšia cibuľa, olivový olej, 1 vajíčko a koreniny podľa chuti (ja som pridala soľ, čierne korenie, muškátový oriešok)

Rúru som predhriala na 200 °C. Cukinu som umyla a pozdĺžne prepolila. Položila ich do zapekacej misy hore dnom ako vaničky. Striedku som vydlabala lyžičkou, nakrájala som ju na kúsky a opražila na cibuľke. Zmes som osolila, okorenila a odstavila z ohňa. Primiešala Cotage cheese a vajíčko. Cukiny som naplnila touto zmesou - vždy mi ostane aj navyše, to  som navrstvila vedľa cukiniek. Piekla som ich cca 25 minút. 

[thetalkingpoltergeist]

Me as a cheesomancer:

- "So what's my fortune?"

- *chewing softly* "The cheese uh, spoke of misfortune."

[atrueneutral]

These asks have been so damn good! If you’re still doing them do you think you could maybe do “that’s impossible” and/or “you’re wrong” with Raphael. (Sending this in a second time just to clarify) I like how you you’ve been writing him a little on the softer side for these asks lol

“You’re wrong - it was the Champions of Valor who saved Baldur’s Gate by defeating the wizard Iyachtu Xvim.”

“I’m never wrong,” Raphael replied coolly, his back to her as he penned letters at the nearby vanity.

“Ha!” Tav shouted from the restoration bath. She was content to soak now that she was mostly relieved of the soreness and wounds inflicted by her recent adventure. “It’s been four months and I could count on an entire hand how many times you’ve been wrong - this time being one of them.”

“I could add my hands to that as well,” Haarlep remarked slyly from the opposite end of the pool.

Raphael froze, and after a few seconds, he turned - scowling. While his expression was for both residents of the bath, his words were only for one.

“You stay out of this,” he said to Haarlep.

“Yes, Haarlep, mind your own business,” Tav added with a glare.

The incubus had taken to invading her baths whenever possible, despite her often tired protests, and to tease and spite her on this particular night, their foot sensually grazed her leg for a tiresome third time. Tav’s scowl matched Raphael’s as she moved to sit on a step that was out of their current reach.

Raphael’s orange and yellow eyes irately watched her.

“I’m not wrong on this occasion, and you would be filling up your hand with lie upon lie,” he stated.

“To that I, again, say ‘ha’!” Tav’s smile was impish as she raised a finger. “It was the Champions of Valor; I have the book at home to prove it.”

Another raised.

“Lizardfolk hold their breath underwater for far longer than ten minutes, you ass. I learned that the hard way…”

And another.

“The specific Deck of Many Things you received tonight has twenty-one cards, not twenty-two like you said an hour ago.”

And another.

“Rhododendron’s are not my favorite flower.”

And then the fifth and final finger.

“Cheesomancy is a completely valid form of combat that I am more than happy to demonstrate on Haarlep.”

Raphael’s face was full of disdain, and he soon turned back around to return to his letter writing.

“What is your favorite flower?” he asked after a minute.

“Forget-me-nots,” she said.

“Ugh, how disgustingly sweet,” Haarlep bemoaned. They then began to rub their hands together. “My list is far more illuminating when it comes to your errors, Master…”

Haarlep did not get past the first finger before they were forcibly banished from the boudoir.

---

Thanks for the prompt! 🙏