#cheers to us for having Milestone Birthdays this year lol

[indecisive-dizzy]

Me, who is now freshly 18 from like 2 days ago and forgot to drop by: … hi 👋

I have no ideas for my ocs to share so have an edit of an old drawing to be human Daisey cause I love they

The disventure camp brain rot is real I’m writing fanfics for it,,,,,,,,,,,,, it’s oc x canon teehee

OH MY GOD BESTIE I FORGOT TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOOOBBB

well,, Happy belated Birthday!!! 🎉💕🎉 18 isn't so bad, you hardly feel the adult part, at least until you graduate (in my experience lol)

Human Daisey is so cuteeee 🥺😭💕

[uswnt5]

Haha sorry I was just messing around. As I type this I'm regretting even putting that out into the universe😳.

Yesterday was our official 1 month anniversary but we kind of agreed to hold off on celebrating until bigger milestone months (6 months and hitting year 1 🤞).Which we both didn't follow through with at all since I dropped off a beautiful flower arrangement that I made (shout out Trader Joe's 🌺) yesterday morning and I picked up breakfast from her favorite spot, we ate together and then left to work. She invited me over for dinner and had the table setup so beautifully with candles and the flower arrangement I made. She also bought us tickets to this immersive Christmas thing for Saturday!

We spend as much time as we can together while balancing our respective friends and what not. She's truly special and I crave having her close to me. I'm set on coming out to my parents on the 27th and enjoying Christmas with them. I'll hopefully have CP's birthday dump to cheer me up in case things don't go well with my parents 😅. She's been super understanding and has told me to hold off on telling them if I'm not ready, she says not being out to them doesn't bother her at all. I just truly want to get it done with and feel at peace with myself.

-Age gap body issue french toast hookup

lol you little shit!

yay so happy yall are still happy and thriving!

[ask-the-clergy-bc]

I just turned 21 not too long ago and was wondering.. what would it be like for the papas to take a sibling of sin they’re very close to (like a sibling-like or close friendship lol) out for their 21st?

Happy Belated 21st!! :D

Wholesome big brother content coming your way!! Aaaaand because it was specifically 21, all I could think about was legal aged drinking. XD I hope that was the vibe you wanted to go for! 

Small warning for mentions of alcohol!

Papas/Copia Taking Reader out to Celebrate Turning 21-!! 

Papa Nihil: Not much for going out, but you are like a youngest child he never wanted- so expect for him to throw you a very nice party at the Clergy! Will be the type to retire early but not before having a few drinks with you to celebrate your big day! Nihil is just happy to provide you with something to make your day special, and will even pray to Lucifer for your growth and continued happiness is His name. If you are lucky, you may be able to challenge him to a drinking game since he loved them in his younger years! 

Papa I: Even during his wild touring or college days, Papa is not one to party. Never really been his style, even if it’s ripe for sin and indulgence. But, he is honored you want him to celebrate such a huge age milestone with you! He assumes that you will have a party for yourself, so offers to take you to dinner when you are available. Will make a small toast to your birthday and buy you your first official bottle of fine wine or champagne. Something very quiet and enjoyable, where you, Papa, and your close friends can all have a nice night of fancy dining.  

Papa II: While he won’t take you to the crazier parties he loves to attend (since him as a big brother figure has him rather protective of you), he WILL finally take you out to one of his favorite party spots. Uses one of his favorite limos, gets the good bubbly, and will want you to celebrate the day since it’s all for you!! Papa just lets you have your fun while he’s off having his. But the one thing he will do for you is make a toast and have the whole venue cheer for you. Then, he will do the honors of pouring champagne onto one of those pyramids made of drinking glasses. You get the top glass, of course!! Only the finest bottles, too! 

Papa III: Chances are, if Papa views you like a younger sibling than he already spoils the Hell out of you. So you better BELIEVE he wants to throw you a huge birthday party!! Chances are if you wanted it outside of clergy walls he would book you one of the best club venues he could find and invite EVERYONE! Since you can finally drink and party with the rest of the clergy Papa is going to pull out all the stops! Gets the bartenders they hire to make you one of those ridiculously huge, fun drinks- like those fish bowls full of candy or giant daiquiris with real fruit and gold shavings or something. Have fun getting put on the spot as they roll a ridiculously huge drink as your first! 

Papa IV/Cardinal Copia: It really depends how you want to spend your birthday! Copia just automatically assumes because he’s like your surrogate big brother you wouldn’t want to party with an old man like him (even though he does his fair share of going out when the time is right!) He’s happy to bring you a very nice and expensive bottle of a wine or liquor he thinks would suit your pallet perfectly! But if you wanted to go out he would take you to one of the fancier establishments he likes! Enough party to be fun but not too huge to be overwhelming. Copia is also the type to get you a very nice cake for the occasion if alcohol doesn’t suit you!

[iyakingdyosa]

CHEERS TO A NEW DECADE.

I’ve been through a stressful week and I didn’t even realize sooner that my 20th year has been marked. LOL. Despite my busy schedule a lot of realizations came to my mind. 

I realized that a lot of things about me have changed. Most of it was driven by my new environment. It has been a year since I started living alone in a city. I barely come home to my province because of the academic demands of my college. 

I used to be this shy girl who gets anxious at the thought of being alone in public; eating alone, walking alone, riding the bus alone, and doing stuff alone. Now, I can say, I’ve done most of my tasks, alone. It never meant that I was lonely. I was comfortable in doing these activities by myself. I was able to conquer this social anxiety and truly, I am enjoying accomplishing agendas on my own (sometimes, it is even more efficient to do stuff alone esp on hectic schedules). The sense of independence also makes me feel like an actual grown up (although, yes, I’d have to admit soon enough that I am no longer a teenager). 

I’ve grown to become a woman who takes care of herself but is not afraid to ask for help especially in situations that are out-of-hand. My friends and family would always be there to support me and lend a helping hand. 

I’ve also learned to value opportunities more. It has always been one of my frequent regrets when I step back from a door that is already open for me. For sure, getting inside the open door is not as easy as it sounds but if I would take no further steps, I’d only be stuck on where I am, and that is not how things should go. I was able to gather enough courage to grab the opportunities that come my way. If it is not for me, then at least, I wouldn’t have any regret.

A lot of things have changed in just a year, more so a decade. Last year, I was an emotional wreck. I got too attached to wrong people. I invested in unhealthy relationships. I slowly, destroyed myself. I missed a lot of opportunities. I had a lot of regrets. I’m happy though, that all these have changed.

I’ve learned that there are things in life that aren’t worth it and should be let go of. Letting go also requires courage. Courage not just to let go but to commit to not trying to hold on to it again and be able to move forward.

It was as if I was enlightened as to what path I truly want to take, on what and how I should be in all the struggles I am going through. I have fully understood myself. I know now what I want. I am no longer afraid to take risks and fall during those trials. I am happy to stumble and be able to stand again. Before I know it, I am already running after my dreams.

These dreams, however, are not referred to as just dreams anymore. They are my plan. Everyday, I know, I am a step closer to accomplishing these plans. I often lost motivation before because maybe I never truly believed in my dreams and in myself. But now that I have turned these into concrete plans, I can see where it all ends, and that all my sacrifices and hard works will pay off in the end.

All I can say is that I can’t wait to see the end of this but I am enjoying every moment of its process because each moment of pain, struggle, and downfall, would only make the ending more fulfilling.

Cheers to another decade, another year, another milestone. Happy birthday, self.

[killerxqween]

Waking Up In Vegas- Ben Hardy x Reader One-Shot

Summary: It’s you’re 21st birthday and to celebrate, you, you’re boyfriend Ben, and you’re closest friends all go to Las Vegas to celebrate. You know that this trip is going to be a wild ride full of surprises, but you were not prepared for the surprises you would wake up to the day after your birthday. 

Warnings: FILTHY SMUT (wrap up before you shack up!), CUTE ASS FLUFF THAT’LL MAKE YOUR HEART MELT, VERY LONG FIC BUT SO MUCH ADORABLE CONTENT

I haven't edited this lol so sorry if there is any spelling errors, etc...This was a long one guys! I hope you guys enjoy this one! It’s everything from fluffy to funny to incredibly filthy. This idea came to me right now, with the help of a bunch of friends of course! I’ll be tagging them at the end of this, so make sure to give them a follow if you don't already. Make sure to follow me for more one-shots, fits, and posts about Queen, BoRhap cast, and other rock and roll artists! Besitos, my lovelies ❤️ -Dani 👑

Twenty-one. Holy shit. You’ve been alive for twenty-one years now.

Celebrating your 21st birthday has always been a major milestone, and now it was your turn. You finally get to drink without worrying about being underage, you get to go to clubs, and of course you get to go to casinos. And that’s exactly how you would be spending the next week; in clubs, casinos, and bars, drinking and partying until you fell to the floor. Yes, you would be going to the booziest of boozy places; you were going to Las Vegas with your boyfriend of 2 years, Ben Hardy and your best friends. 

But it’s not like you hadn’t drank and partied before. You were just celebrating that you could now drink in your home country. Since your wonderful boyfriend was from the UK, that meant that you spent most of your time there with him, drinking and partying the weekends away. But now, you would be doing that in Vegas, and you were really excited for what the week would hold. Especially after Ben told you that he had a very big surprise for you. 

---------After arriving in Vegas---------

You and your group of friends were in the lobby of the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, waiting to get to your rooms as quick as possible so you could start your birthday adventures. 

You were holding Ben’s hand while both of you looked around, until one of your best friend’s (and practically Ben’s other lover) Joe Mazzello walked up to you both. 

“Guys this place is so cool, I’m actually shocked I never stayed here before! It’s quite fitting actually, that we’re staying in this place. There’s no one more hard rock then us.” Joe said excitedly. He really did look like an excited puppy sometimes. You saw Ben visibly cringe at Joe’s final comment, though and you laughed lightly. 

“That was the cheesiest and stupidest thing I've ever heard, Joe.” Ben said.

“You just hate me ‘cuz you can’t be me” Joe sassed back, with mock attitude and flipped his non-existent hair over his shoulder while walking away. 

“Awwww Ben look, you just made your boyfriend mad” you said, mocking him even more. You adored Ben and Joe’s relationship, they truly were the perfect definition of best friends. You were so glad to consider them all best friends. 

Soon enough the rooms were ready. You knew that everyone had went all out for your birthday, but you didn't know that they had rented out the most expensive suite in the hotel, the Penthouse Real World Suite. 

Everyone walked into the room before you. First, Rami and Lucy, then Gwil followed by Joe, then Allen and your childhood best friend Victoria, your boyfriend Ben, and finally you, with guidance from Ben since he had put a blindfold on you. 

You walked in slowly while Ben held your hand and guided you in the direction towards the room. 

“Ben I swear, if I bump into anything, I’m suing.”

“Babe, never in a million years would I let you get hurt.” he replied sweetly. You smiled and heard Joe scoff mockingly towards you two, playing along with the ‘jealous boyfriend’ role that he had taken upon himself of playing. Everyone in the room laughed at Joe’s reaction, making you and Ben smile, even if you couldn’t see him. 

“alright, love. Im going to take your blindfold off in 3... 2...”

Everyone shouts “ONE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY (Y/N)!!!” 

You look around and tears prickled at the rim of your eyes. The suite had been decorated with banners congratulating you, table decor that said happy birthday, and much more. These people had went out of their way to give you an amazing birthday and you couldn’t be happier. 

Gwilym saw your tears start to fall before anyone else, since Ben had went around thanking everyone for coming and for helping. Gwil came over to you and gave you a heartwarming hug. 

“Ben went out of his way for your birthday. He got all of us and some staff to come and decorate while you and Victoria were at the lounge. He really loves you, we all do. Happy birthday, kiddo.” Gwil gave you a small peck on your forehead. He truly was one of the sweetest men you had ever met in your life.

“Thank you Gwilly, this means so much. You all mean so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you all. I love you guys” You said as tears fell while giving Gwil another embrace. 

Ben finally came up to you and smiled at Gwil while mouthing a “thank you” to him. Ben wrapped his arms around you and you took in his scent. He really was the love of your life. 

“I hope you like it, baby. This is only the beginning, but I worked really hard to make sure everyth-”

You cut him off with a passionate kiss on the lips. He kissed back and wrapped his arms around your waist, holding you close. Your hands were around his neck, bringing his head closer to your own. He was like a drug, and you could never stop taking him in. You adored this man with a burning passion. You worshiped him. 

Everyone ‘awed’ at you both, admiring how adorable you both were. Even Joe couldn't help but smile at how happy his best friend was, no matter how much the messed with him. You both pulled apart and you snuggled into his chest.

You looked at everyone and said “Thank you everyone for coming, really. I couldn’t be anymore thankful than I am right now. This means so much you guys. I love you all.” Everyone cheered and shouted “I love you’s” back.

You let go of Ben so he could go speak to the boys while Lucy approached you. 

“Hey girl. Everyone is going to go to their rooms to start unpacking and getting ready for tonight. You better go and start getting dressed. I’ll help you too, I want you to look perfect, being the birthday girl and all.” Lucy said with a beautiful smile on her face.

You hugged Lucy and thanked her. “What would I do without you, Luce?”

“Probably perish. Now get your butt into your room and start getting ready for a week’s worth of festivities!!!”

-----THAT NIGHT (WEDNESDAY)-----

You all went to the casino and ordered a shit ton of drinks. You all got extremely wasted while gambling. You also hit a jackpot, call it birthday luck or whatever the sort, but you were so happy.

-----THURSDAY NIGHT-----

You and Lucy went to see Magic Mike Live. You were both flustered by the amount of good-looking men giving you a show but, no one compared to Ben in your eyes. He was perfect.

Afterwards, you all went around Vegas, looking for places to go and see and for places that seemed intriguing. Joe had found a place that sold giant burgers and forced everyone to go in there. You didn’t mind though, you were happy. 

-----FRIDAY NIGHT-----

You all went to the Wet Republic Pool Party at MGM Grand. It was extremely crowded but fun. You all got wasted again and swam around like there was no tomorrow. 

That night you also went to see Lady Gaga in concert during her Enigma show. You and Ben sang along to LoveGame while making out for most of the concert while everyone else was dancing to the music and singing along.

-----SATURDAY NIGHT, YOUR BIRTHDAY (shit gets good now)-----

It was finally the weekend, and as great as the the rest of the week had been, you were excited about tonight. 

Ben had gotten everyone VIP Passes into XS Las Vegas, a very exclusive nightclub that was very difficult to get into. 

When it wast time to leave, you checked your appearance in the mirror one more time. 

You had put on a black chain backless dress that was very low-cut. It accentuated every curve and every nook on your body, making you feel sexy. You had put on a diamond choker to match and some silver heels. You knew that your outfit would drive Ben crazy, and you were excited. 

“Girl you look amazing as always” Said Vicky, she had always been there for you since you were little girls.

“Thanks Vic, you look gorgeous too.” You said back 

Ben was already waiting in the car with Gwilym and Joe because Allen had taken  a shower later than everyone else, while Rami and Lucy had went to go get ready together. But the moans you heard from their room said otherwise. 

Once you finally left the hotel and got to the car, the driver opened the door for you. The door opened to reveal a very dapper looking Ben, wearing a sheer shirt, similar to the one he wore to the Bohemian Rhapsody Premiere, except in a instead of it being a solid black color, it had patterns on it, bringing more attention to your boyfriend’s rock hard abs. You gulped, and Ben just examined your body from head to toe and smirked.  

(for Ben’s outfit: https://goo.gl/images/DqDYD8 )

(for your outfit: https://goo.gl/images/4nyRhf )

---at the club---

Once you got to the club, the driver opened the door and Ben took your hand to help you out of the car. You and the gang all went to the VIP entrance and got in fairly quickly. 

And from that point on, that night had become the craziest night of your life. 

The minute everyone stepped foot in the club, they all disappeared to different places in the room. Gwil and Allen went to the bar, Rami and Lucy went to a corner of the room to have some more ‘privacy’, and Joe decided to embody Disco Deaky by going straight onto the dance floor. 

Ben took your head and lead you to the private booth that had been reserved for your group. You sat with him and he ordered you both drinks. As you sat there, Ben looked into your eyes, sending love from his soul to yours. 

“How are you enjoying your birthday so far, love?” He asked. There was love in his eyes, but they were mixed with something a bit darker.  

“It’s been incredible Ben! It’s been the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I'm so happy you did this all for me. I love you.” You said sincerely. He smiled and brought you in for a kiss. 

As the kiss progressed though, you felt his emotions change from one of love to one of hunger. He added more intensity into the kiss, making it feel more passionate and more lustful. Soon after he pushed his tongue into your mouth.You both fought for dominance in a war of passion and love that resided in your mouth. He won of course, and explored your mouth with his tongue. You felt yourself get warmer. That feeling was like a snake that traveled from the top until it came down to your core. 

You felt yourself get wetter under Ben’s touch. His kiss was a spell that you couldn’t break. His lips detached from yours and attacked your neck, leaving sweet kisses and marks. You sighed, enjoying the feeling of being close to him. Soon, his fingers slowly moved from your waist down to your thighs. He moved his hands up you thighs slowly, making sure you were comfortable. You said nothing, but instead put a kiss to his lips as a confirmation. 

He moved his hand stealthily towards your core, moving his hand under the dress. He pushed the lacy thong you wore to the side and slid his fingers into your core. You felt his fingers move up and down each of your folds, until he rested his pointer finger on your clit. He moved his finger in such a way so you could feel every pleasurable sensation. You moaned softly, since you were in a club and you didn’t want people to see what you two were up to. Soon after, he used both his pointer and middle finger to rub you. He moved his fingers around at a pleasurable pace, making you moan even more. Then he moved those fingers down, and pushed his fingers into you. He pumped them in and out and a slow pace first, then moving to a quicker pace. He added his ring finger shortly after, and you gasped. Ben then attached his lips to yours, in order to keep you quiet. 

While the booth you were in was private, it was kind of thrilling knowing that your boyfriend was finger fucking you in a public place. But you were also slightly paranoid that someone would walk in on you both. 

“Fuck Ben.. y-you need to stop. Someone could walk in” You said, still moaning due to him pumping his fingers in and out of you. 

But instead of stopping, he used his other hand to rub your clit once again. This made you moan even louder. 

“Let someone walk in, let them see how fucking hot you are under my touch” he whispered in your ear, growling the words at the end of his sentence. This just made you moan more. 

“You’re so wet, babe” He said in your ear again. He kissed you roughly, getting aroused by your reactions to his touch. 

But suddenly, he stopped and pulled his fingers away. And now you were confused, and slightly angry because you were just about to reach your high. 

“Why the fuck did you-” 

“Hello, I’m sorry about the delay, there was a mixup with drink orders. Here are your shots of tequila and your Margaritas” The waiter said, interrupting you. You understood why Ben had stopped, but it also made you giggle a bit considering what he said earlier. 

“That’s why I stopped.” Ben said, taking a sip of the margarita. You laughed even more. 

“Why is that funny?” Ben asked.

“What happened to ‘let them walk in on me finger fucking you’?” You asked laughing more. 

“Heat of the moment I guess. But keep laughing at me and I won’t give you something to to look forward to later.” That sentence immediately made you stop laughing. You smirked instead and said “sorry, baby”, giving Ben a chaste kiss. 

You both downed all the alcohol on the table and thats when you fucked up. You wouldn't remember most of the events following the drinks you took.

Gwilym, Joe, and Allen came to the table arguing loudly about who was the best member of Queen. You and Ben left to go to the dance floor. You grinded on him to the beat of the music, as he grabbed your waist and pulled you close. Eventually, you did find Rami and Lucy, who were making out in the middle of the dance floor. They soon left to join the table. Vicky was chatting up a guy she met. 

Even more drinks later, you felt the need to go to the bathroom. You stumbled into the stalls and did your business. You walked out, still completely shit-faced, and washed your hands. You stared into the mirror and laughed at yourself due to how bad your makeup had smudged. But you stopped laughing when you heard the bathroom door open. 

There, in the women’s bathroom, stood your boyfriend Ben Hardy, accompanied by a drunk Joe Mazzello and Gwilym Lee. Ben stumbled into the bathroom, giggling along with the other two boys. 

Be walked right up to you and gave you a kiss on the lips. You kissed him back and laughed. The boys that stood behind Ben laughed as well, knowing something that you didn't. 

“B-ben... what the f-uck are you doin’” you asked, slurring and messing up your words. 

Ben giggles some more. “(Y/N) I-I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND I W-WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.” He yelled loudly into the bathroom. You covered your ears and yelled “ow!” Ben stopped yelling and replied with “sorry, baby”.

“Anyways.. what was I saying? Oh r-right.... (y/n), I fuckin’ love you and I want to be with you forever, baby. I was gonna do this t-tomorrow but I couldn’t wait so... (y/f/n)... Will you m-marry me-e?” Ben asked, getting down on one knee, but almost failing to do so from how drunk he was. 

Yes, you’re boyfriend just asked you to marry him in the middle of the bathroom while being completely wasted. And how did you reply? 

You started ugly crying “oh-oh my god Ben yes I will baby I lo-love you so much” you said, stumbling towards him to hug him. You saw Joe and Gwil clap sloppily, Joe slightly leaning on Gwil because he was about to pass out.

“WAIT!” He said, putting his hand out to stop you from coming closer. 

“What is it?” You asked, afraid that his drunk ass might be joking.

“I forgot to give you your ring” He said, in an obvious tone, rolling his eyes dramatically. Ben shoved his fingers into his pockets looking around for a ring. 

And the ring he gave you was the best ring drunk you could ever receive. 

He gave you a ring pop with a blue candy diamond in the center. 

You squealed after he put it on you and hugged him. Then you gasped loudly, coming up with a wonderful idea. 

“Ben! Why don’t we get married right now!!!”

“OH MY GOD YES”

So you, Ben, and Joe left the club at 2 in the morning, got in a cab, and went to the nearest chapel go get you and Ben married. Joe had decided to tag along because he wanted to be best man. So you bought a $5 wedding veil from the chapel gift shop and got married. 

-----SUNDAY/The Next Day-----

You woke up naked with your head pounding, unaware of where you were. You looked around and your eyes widened.

You were in your suite at Hard Rock but there were balloons that said “Congratulations Newlyweds!”, “Bride and Groom”, and other phrases related to the subject. There was a veil that had the $5 price tag still stuck to it, a bouquet of roses scattered on the floor that looked like they were in desperate need of water, and of course, the half eaten ring pop on your ring finger which had lint and other small particles stuck to it. 

You frantically looked for your phone to see if you could confirm your suspicions, and when you found it, you opened your phone to see 34 unread messages. The older ones were from your friends congratulating you on your engagement. The newer ones were congratulating you on your marriage to Ben. Then there was a whole essay from a drunk Joe, congratulating you both but also saying he was mad you stole his boyfriend. You sucked in a breath and widened your eyes.

“oh my god, I got married on my birthday in Vegas” you whispered.

You turned your head to look at Ben, who was deep asleep and also naked. He was snoring lightly and looked so peaceful.

“Ben is my husband.” you said, still in shock.

You opened your phone and checked your picture gallery. You had over 20 videos, all filmed by either Joe or Gwilym, from your engagement in the bathroom to your wedding at the chapel. You watched each one and cringed at how drunk everyone was.

You really did get engaged and married. 

You didn’t mind the idea of getting married to Ben though, you just hate that it was while drunk in Vegas.

Soon Ben started waking up, slightly stirring around until he fully turned his body towards you and opened your eyes. 

“Hello beautiful, my head hurts.” He said, looking like the Greek God that he is. He then saw the worry in your face and asked what was wrong. He ten saw he was naked and asked “Did we fuck last night?” You laughed.

“Yeah, babe that wasn’t the only thing we did last night.” You said with shock still present in your voice.

“What did we kill someone? Did we have a little Bonnie and Clyde moment?” He asked and smirked while leaning up to kiss you. 

“Ben, look around.” You said seriously this time. 

He looked around at the balloons, veil, bouquet, and ring. Apparently he was somehow still drunk because he still didn't understand. He looked at you in confusion.

“Oh my god, Ben we got engaged and we got married last night” you said, showing him the video of him proposing in the bathroom. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened. Then you scrolled to the next video, showing him the one of you in the chapel. His jaw dropped even further and you laughed. 

“Oh my god. Yo-you’re my wife?” He asked with a tone of fear.

“Yeah I am, is being married to me that bad?” You said with a laugh. He didn’t laugh though, instead he ran a hand through his hair then down his face, signaling that he was stressed. 

“Babe, I know that this is stupid but I didn't think it was that ba-” 

“It’s not bad babe, its just...” He sighed again. You were afraid that maybe he didn’t want to take the next step into marriage with you, and was mad that you both did while intoxicated. 

“I guess I just have to say it. (Y/N), I was going to ask for your hand in marriage during you Birthday celebration, in fact, I was going to do it today during our date. But the fact that we already were engaged and are now married put my whole plan out of the loop” Ben said, disappointed since his plan has been ruined. You on the other hand, were happy. He was going to ask you to marry him, today in fact. 

You kissed him deeply. “Ben, baby. Don’t let our stupid actions get in the way of your plans. I love you. I would get engaged to you and marry you a million times. We can still get married and get engaged, we just do it properly this time, and not while drunk.” You said laughing. 

“You’re right” He said as he got up. “But my big birthday surprise for you was going to be over dinner. But that plan has been spoiled, and so has the surprise. So I'm going to say this right here, right now.”

Ben got out a little black jewelry box from his coat pocket and got down on one knee while still naked. 

“(Y/N), I love you. From the minute I saw you I loved you. I don’t know where I would be without your love and support. You make my grey skies a vibrant blue. You are the brightest star in my sky. I love you to the moon and back and I always will. That is why I was so fussy about getting married. Because you deserve the best. So I know this setting isn't perfect but, I feel the timing is perfect so” Ben opened the box to reveal the most beautiful ring. 

“Will you (y/f/n), make me the happiest man alive and be my wife...even though you technically already are my wife?”

You felt tears sting your eyes. 

“Yes” you said wholeheartedly.

Ben put the ring on your finger and kissed you passionately. His hands cupped your cheek while yours wrapped around his muscular back. Soon the kiss became needier, hungrier. 

His tongue swirled around with yours, reminding you of last night’s very lustful agenda which was one of the few things that you could remember clearly. The thought of it got you hot and bothered. His hands moved from your face down to your waist, where he started gripping roughly with his hands, making you moan into the kiss. He then brought his hands down to your bare ass and gave it a squeeze. He then started kissing your neck, this time leaving actual marks and bruises compared to the ones from last night. You sighed and moaned, letting yourself expose your neck more so he could have more access. 

Hands still on your ass, Ben pushed you even closer to him, your bodies molding together like clay. His head started moving down from your neck to your collarbone, then down to your breasts. He started kissing around the beautiful mounds of flesh until he took a nipple into his mouth and started sucking and biting. You moaned louder this time at the action, which made him grab the other nipple and he started pinching and squeezing. 

“I love you, wife” He said against your breast. 

“I love you too, husband” you breathlessly replied back. He got back up, gave you a kiss and started pushing you back towards the bed. Once your legs made contact with the bed frame, he lightly pushed you back so you were laying on your back. 

“Let me show you how much I love you” He whispered lovingly into your ear, leaving a small kiss on your earlobe, then on your cheek, then on your forehead, on your nose, and on your lips.

He moved his head down, kissing your body as he went. He kissed your collarbone, the valley between your breasts, your stomach and then your hip bones. Once he was almost face to face with your center, he kissed your thighs and bit lightly as he got closer. He then moved his mouth a kissed your soaking center. He moved his tongue strategically through your folds, feeling every beautiful sensation. He swirled his tongue around your center, making you moan. Your breathing was jagged and your lips were parted as he flicked your clit around with his tongue. You moaned an even more pornographic sound when he started sucking and lightly biting the little ball of nerves. 

You felt like you were on cloud nine, he held your waist in such a delicate manner, as if you were a flower that was about to fall apart in his hands. He used the other hand to pump his fingers into you; starting with one, then two, then three fingers, and that’s when you felt the rush. You spread your legs as wide as you could, one hand gripping his hair, while the other was intertwined with the hand on your waist. You grinded into his touch to get more friction. 

“oh Ben, fuck” you moaned at the feeling. 

Ben hummed a bit to add even more vibrations and thats when you felt your orgasm washing over you. He pumped his fingers even more to help you. You arched your back as he kept eating you out like you were his holy feast and felt your orgasm hit. You moaned his name loudly and your body started to spasm. Ben kept his arm around you to help you stop spasming and brought his lips up to yours. 

He kissed you with a love and desire, and you tasted yourself on his tongue, making you want him more. 

“I'm so happy that you’re my wife right now. I love you so much. I can’t wait to get remarried” Ben said. You smiled at him and give him a light peck.

“I love you too, you’re my one and only, Ben.” You whispered lightly to him. 

“Let me make love to you then” he whispered in your ear.

“You already are” You said to him. He kissed you with passion and forcefulness and started to position himself at your entrance. He started teasing you with his dick, and you just whined. 

“If you keep being impatient then we’re going to have to play a different game” He said seductively. Usually you were one to love Ben’s ‘games’, but right now you just wanted him. 

“Ben please, I need you, love” you said desperately. His eyes changed from one of mischief and lust to one of love just from hearing that sentence. So he carefully pushed himself into you, making sure to not hurt you in any way. 

“Is this alright” He said in his beautiful English accent that you adore.

“Yes, its more than alright” you replied back. Slowly, he started pulling out and pushing back in. He kept doing this until he kept up a good thrusting rhythm. 

“Fuck” Ben groaned making you moan.

He kept doing that until he lifted your leg and put it on his shoulder to get deeper into you.

“Oh fuck baby, thats so good” you moaned loudly. Ben kept thrusting in that position, getting quicker while groaning in the process. 

You felt your second orgasm of the day wash over you, and you felt it come closer when Ben started rubbing your clit with his fingers. 

“I-I’m so close babe” you said, moaning breathlessly. You were a sweaty, hot mess but you enjoyed every second. You soon hit your orgasm, arching your back and grabbing the bed sheets in the process. 

Ben kept going and soon hit his orgasm shortly after you. He moaned your named while riding out his high and kept thrusting until he felt he had come back down to earth. 

He slowly pulled out of you and laid down next to you.He wrapped his arm around your body so carefully, so he wouldn't hurt you. He kissed your lips and said “sweet dreams, my love”.

“goodnight, darling.”

-----two months later-----

You had been feeling a bit under the weather but you were excited.  Today you would be going shopping for your wedding dress. 

You and Ben had decided to get married in 5-6 months since no ceremony had to be held because you were both technically married already. So you both had decided to have a little ceremony with a friend as the wedding minister instead of having a full ceremony at a church. The big event that you were both planning was the wedding party. 

You, Lucy, and Vicky walked into a little bridal shop in London, looking around at each dress. You knew you wanted something extravagant and you were excited to try them on.

Once you had found ones you liked with the help of Mindy and Alice, the wedding planner and the bridal shop employee, you grabbed your size in the dresses and went to try them on.

“Luce, Vic, come help me!” You said to the girls who were drinking champagne. 

“What’s up?” Lucy asked. 

“Can you help me tie the dress, its really difficult for me to do it by myself.” You said. 

“Sure” Lucy said, trying to tie the dress but it didn't work. 

“Honey, I think its too tight for you.”

“That’s weird since its my size. All the dresses I've tried on are in my size and they don't fit. Maybe the sizes run small?”

“No, our sizes usually fit true to size, miss. No offense but maybe, you’ve gained weight?” Alice said.

“No, I've been working out and eating more healthier than ever just for this.I really don’t know why the hell it doesn't fit if it’s my size.” You said truthfully.

Alice looked down, feeling guilty for commenting, while Mindy’s eyes lit up and she smirked. 

“(y/n), have you thought about the fact that you may not be the only one wearing that dress?” Mindy said while smirking.

“What does that mean” You sighed, annoyed that things weren’t working out. 

“Maybe... you’re pregnant?” She asked trying to be as polite as possible. Lucy widened her eyes, Vicky smiled brightly and you choked on the water you were drinking. 

That would explain the illness, you’re dictates for alcoholic beverages, and you’re cravings lately. It would also explain why you haven’t had your period yet. 

“I’m gonna run to the shop to get something, ill be back soon” you said, frantically trying to go and see if you are pregnant or not.

---One Hour Later---

“Oh my god I'm pregnant” you say freaking out. You knew Ben would freak out, but hopefully in a good way. He had always said he wanted a family of his own. And now its happening. 

---3 months later---

You were sitting with your now official husband, Ben, at your wedding party. You’re bump had grown and you were happy to show it. 

You had told Ben about the pregnancy the night you found out over dinner. He was over the moon and the next day he invited everyone over to share the news. The first question that was asked was 

“When did that happen” by of course, none other then Joe Mazzello.

Ben simply replied with “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, pal”.

Now you were sitting there, eating cake with the love of your life and your unborn daughter. You were going to name her Meaddows Mercury, in honor of Roger Taylor for being there not only for Ben, but for you too during everything from the start of your relationship to your pregnancy. Roger had also mentioned it.

He had said “You should name your baby after me” as a joke. But Ben took it seriously and decided to do it in honor of one of his best friends and hero’s. Of course Mercury was in honor of Freddie and Queen, because without him and them, he wouldn’t be where he is today. And you were fine with the name because you love Queen a lot, too. 

Ben wrapped his arm around your shoulders and placed his arm protectively on your baby bump. 

“My two girls” He said into your ear and sighed in content. He rested his head on top of yours and you smiled. Everything was perfect.

“I love you husband”

“I love you wife”

The End 

@hystericallyqueen @har-rison-s @okqueenie

[mirios-eyes-are-beautiful]

aa So I just woke up to this?

I’m just.. speechless? I can’t believe this actually happened, so thank you all for the last few months, for every like, reblog and comment. It’s been such a pleasure to interact with you and scream about Mirio and The Big Three<3 I hope 2019 won’t bring us too many tears (spoiler: it will.) and we can all laugh about their shenanigans again (spoiler: we won’t.). This blog came alive with crazy good fanart, hilarious memes and sweet headcanons, sprinkled with my neverending affection towards Mirio, so kudos go out to the amazing artists and writers that create the content we love<3 Thank you for over 1k followers and I hope to see the family of mirihoes grow in the progressing year! I’ve received a lot of questions for my milestone special and I only picked out a few, but if you want more of these, let me know! Now let’s dive right into the Q&A!

Heey~ I’m a huge Bnha fan and I love this blog, keep up the great work!! \(^-^)/ I’d love to know how old you are, if that’s not too personal of a question?

Not at all! I’m actually 20 y/o and my Birthday is in June, also my zodiac is Gemini👭

What do you do for a living?

I’m a university student in my second year! I’m majoring in Linguistics and my minor is English Literature and Culture. Though before, I did a year of Environmental Sciences, but it just wasn’t my cup of tea so I quit🤷‍♀️ I’m also part timing at a boutique.

Hello! I check your blog everyday and I can’t with all your reactions, they’re almost always the same as mine:D Which state (USA) are you from and what languages do you speak?

Lol, do I really sound American?:D I’m actually from Germany, so German is my mother tongue! Other than that, I consider myself pretty fluent in English (your assumption of me being a native speaker flatters me so much, you have no idea) and I guess my French is decent. I can order food and ask for directions in Spanish (ayyyy) and studied Hindi for two semesters at Uni. Also I’m currently learning Japanese for my degree in Linguistics.

Do you have a favorite anime show? Other than My hero academia of course!

My all time favorite anime is definitely Arslan Senki! Besides that, I also love Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Assassination Classroom, Durarara, Hunter x Hunter and pretty much every existing sports anime (Haikyuu, Kuroko no Basuke, Daiya no Ace, Free!, Yowapedal, Yuri on Ice, Prince of Tennis,.. although Haikyuu is my favorite) I enjoy most genres as long as the plot and characters appeal to me.

Do you read any manga? (also LOVE YOUR BLOG!!<3)

Yeah! I really love manga and I’ve read tons of shoujo when I was younger (I bingeread every night in middle school tbh) Nowadays though, not so much anymore.. It’s not that I came to hate it, I just don’t have as much time unfortunately-.-’ I do read the new Bnha and Haikyuu chapters on a weekly basis, but I can’t manage more than that. I also read yaoi/shounen-ai manga and doujinshi from time to time, but it’s not as much of an obsession as it was a few years ago. However, I own a couple of manga series (Bnha, Haikyuu, Arslan Senki), which I love to reread in my free time😊

hey, we share a love for mirio, so do you maybe have a few anime recommendations, or any good anime you’re watching now?

uhuhuhu birds of a feather flock together;))) Of course I can dish out some recommendations, but I’ll start with what I’m watching atm. I started rewatching Daiya no Ace not so long ago (due to the announcement of Season 4) so I sometimes watch a few episodes of that when I find the time. Also, and this is a recommendation as well, there’s this new track and field anime called Kaze ga Tsuyoku Fuiteiru (Run with the Wind) coming out every Friday and it’s hilarious. If you like sports anime, you should definitely give it a go! The last anime I’m rewatching right now is Sukitte Ii na yo (Say I love you), cause I’ve been in a shoujo mood lately and after several years I still can’t deal with the cuteness of this show. Now for recs.. this is hard, since everyone has a different taste in series, but other than the shows I’ve named in the “Favorite anime” question, I’d recommend Wotakoi (Wotaku ga Koi no Muzukashii). It’s a very sweet anime about the love stories of otakus, so if you like a good laugh and lots of fluff, this show is for you (11eps). Same goes for Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun (12eps + 6 short specials). Shounen-wise I enjoyed for example Noragami, Bleach, Katekyo Hitman Reborn and Magi. Shoujo-wise I can always rewatch Toradora, Kimi ni Todoke and Itazura na Kiss. Sorry for rambling, there are just too many!😅

What pronouns do you use? And what’s you sexual orientation? If the latter question is too personal, just ignore it(/ω＼)

No worries! I use she/her pronouns and I’m pan, slightly favoring men. Probably due to the fact that I’ve only had hetero relationships so far. Though, I really don’t care about my partner’s gender🤷‍♀️

hi, i’ve been going through a rough time lately and your reblogs and memes never fail to make my day. how so you stay positive when things are going downhill? (sorry for the weird ask..)

Your question isn’t weird at all! I’m sorry to hear that you don’t feel well lately and I’m glad my posts are able to cheer you up a bit<3 I, for my part, am a very optimistic person and always try to concentrate on the positive things in my life, but I cannot deny that due to my personal problems I’ve spent many nights sleepless as well. Unfortunately, there’s no recipe for happiness, but here are some things you should always keep in mind should you feel down: Don’t surround yourself with toxic people. Don’t let them in your life and if they already are, either ignore them or cut them off. The latter won’t always work, since the world of adulthood is a cruel place, but try to develop a thick skin and don’t let them abuse the power over you that they don’t actually have. Try to talk with people. I can tell from experience that talking about your problems will almost always make you feel better, or at least lighter afterwards. Think positive. There’s never only black and white, so even if everything seems hopeless or bland, you should never cease to search for the good aspects. An example from me: Uni fucks me up real bad atm. I have six exams and one term paper to write this semester and I’m seriously afraid of failing. I’ve always had insane expectations of myself, because when I was a toddler, my parents found out that I was highly talented and that has been a as much of a curse as it is a blessing throughout my entire life. Whenever something gets too much for me and I end up in a slump, I think about how grateful I am to have so many wonderful friends. I think of all the things I plan to do with the money I earn, such as travelling, buying manga, movies, clothes,.. and even if that might not seem like a trivial matter for some people, I think of all the amazing anime coming out this year: Ice Adolescence, One Punch Man Season 2, Attack on Titan Season 3, Fruits Basket remake, Bnha Season 4, Haikyuu Season 4, Daiya no Ace Season 3.. Why am I naming these? Because they keep me going. They give me something to look forward to. They make me realize that I’m extremely grateful to be alive, because I get to experience these works. I get to discuss my favorite shows with people, who share my interests! I get to scream about Mirio’s bara arms with you guys! If that isn’t something to be cheerful about, I don’t know what is<3

And since I don’t want to end this on a solemn note, here’s a personal favorite of mine:

On a scale from 1-10, how much do you love Mirio?^^

1.000.000 (A million, you get it? wink wonk) Thanks for sticking around! Hope this gave you a little insight on who I am and I’d love to spend 2019 with you as well<3

[darknpretty-blog]

So someone's reached the main 5 oh oh! Their 50th birthday celebration! Not any major deal. fifty will be the healthy forty. And denial is the brand new mathematics! Anyway, it is one of the milestone birthdays, that somehow always seem to be much more funwe hostile, when was the final time you went to a surprise 48th Birthday Party?

Needless to say, you want to be right there with an unusual methods to help your birthday celebration star glow in the spotlight! So listed here are 50 amazing ideas for a 50th birthdaysome that will cost as little as 50 centssome which are a little more extravagantsome designed to just need your thoughtfulness and time. And that's a thing they'll like as much if not more!

Tell it such as it's. Write a listing of 50 reasons why they are the very best, then get it framed! Or even also include 50 photos as well as convert everything into a photo guide.

Stress-free birthday. Gift a 50 minute knead, manicure or facial foundation. Join them if you are able to pay for it!

Living is a roller coaster. Top for the amusement park with the birthday star, you, as well as three more friends as well as ride 10 different rides. Sure, the carousel is important.

Being lucky? one by one wrap fifty one dolars lottery tickets.

Have a sweet teeth? Buy fifty portions of special chocolates or candies from yesteryearor gift label fifty donut holes or even 50 of their favorite cookies! (Wrap in batches of five or 10 so they are able to freeze some for later!)

Let's assume cheesy. Make a fun 50-minute video clip of family and friends wishing them a happy day.

Couch-potato free. Get in concert once a week to walk one mile 1 day. It's a present which usually keeps on giving. (Take two weeks from out of 52 for vacations, etc!)

Talk about some teeth. Get together with family and friends and overflow the mailbox of theirs with 50 birthday cards!

Talk about a few laughs. Fill up their inbox with 50 distinct digital songs, video games and birthday wishes!

Try painting the city. Give them a $50 gift card to the fave restaurant of theirs, theater, club, etc. Not terribly original, we know, but generally appreciated! A word: Limo

Bingo! Imagine every one of the video games you can play using fifty penniestiddly winks, bingo, penny pitch, etcthen enjoy yourself enjoying them!

Might I help? Deliver 50 minutes of tutoring in a number of apps they do not know how to work with.

Tis safer to giveMake a summary of fifty simple ways you could potentially volunteer the time of yours, then go and help out together. Or donate $50 to the preferred charitable organization of theirs.

Kill the dollar. If saving $$isn't the thing of theirs, get them an investing for dummies book as well as give them $50 to get their first share of stock.

Cheers! Gift wrap a $50 can of wine with a note that it is an unique bottle to be provided with their another person special.

One reservoir excursion. Treat them to a whole day of situations which are inside a 50-mile radius of where they live. (A rise in the woods, a round of mini golf, lunch in the park, etc.)

Just what the heck does that suggest? Opt to discover fifty new words if you gather (over time, of course!) For fun, keep paperwork and find out who remembers probably the most fresh phrases!

Sorry, I am not really a mind reader. Gift a 50 minute psychic readingmake the own predictions of yours ahead of time and then check notes in the future!

I am here for you. Promise one another a number of 50-minute soulful conversations sans texting, email-checking, phone answering, twittering, etc.

I will never forget Paris. Share with each other a list of 50 men and women, places, things that made you who you are today.

2 left legs. Gift item a 50-minute swing dance lesson. Gift item 1 for you as wellyou deserve a little fun, too!

LOL! Spend 50 minutes with each other doing a thing you both dislike (laundry, grocery shopping, etc.), but do it in a different manner (blindfolded, in heels) for making it funny and ridiculous.

The Big 5 0. Invest the day together going around city taking photographs of clues, billboards, etc. with the number 50 within them. If you cannot find lots of, perform the 5 as well as the 0 separately and develop a collage!

Flashback! Throw a retro gathering commemorating the 50-year-old's birth year-complete with music, hair styles and clothing from that particular era.

Attack which! Get a group in concert, go bowling and find out who can mark under 50 while not spreading gutter balls.

That is a lot of hot air! Get a 50-balloon bouquet and tie it to their wrist.

Yeah, that as well. Make a 50 is nothing to Snicker at indication and put it in a bowl of bite sized Snickers bars!

For Her: Add a cannot trust you're flippin' 50! label to a pair of interesting flip-flop sandals.

For Him: Create an It is (Name's) 50th Birthday! Tie one on! Have a bunch of older connections in a bowl and in addition have everybody who use 1 for a team picture!

Money Does not Grow on Trees. Effectively, perhaps it doesA money tree is a fun strategy to present fifty dolars money!

Still Hot at fifty. Gift basket filled with hot sauces and spices perfect for a great cook or grill-master.

A Box-o-Balloons. Put notes or maybe cash inside fifty inflated balloons then seal them in a label. A lightweight present to provide and / or drive (ground delivery).

Really? Gift item a 1-year membership to AARP!

A Farewell to Youth. Throw a party by having an RIP tombstone cake, fifty black balloons, etc., as well as advise navy outfit.

Just how many techniques are you able to say fifty? Finish off the sentence Turning 50ġ with items in a gift basket. Example: ȡis nuts! (peanuts); ȡstinks. (air freshener); ȡis merely peachy! (schnapps).

Might the force be with you. Have the team think of fifty lines from favorite movies and also see how many they are able to drop into the chat at the birthday party of theirs.

Hmmmthat's puzzling. Get a jigsaw puzzle with 50 parts. Or create one by lowering a big greeting card into puzzle shapes, placing in an envelope and mailing with your best wishes! You can also order a personalized New York Times puzzle with the real front page of their birthdate!

Call me moneybags. Offer the birthday star $20.50in fifty quarters, 50 nickels, 50 dimes as well as fifty pennies. Naturally you are able to make that $70.50 by bring 50 singles, also!

Red-colored alert! Reddish alert! Create a 50th Birthday Emergency Kit and also include whatever you think is suited for any birthday celebration owner (aspirin, noisemakers, adult diapers, etc.)

Something Old. Something Gold. It is their personal 50th anniversarygive them something in vintage gold or something wrapped in gold.

M-m-m-m beneficial. Purchase 50 MY M&M'S Party Packs of personalized candies complete with pics and words and phrases!

An evening meal is Served. Arrange a progressive 50th birthday dinner party, with each host/hostess serving a thing that was to the entire year the birthday celebration star was born. Dress correctly!

Who stated that? Make a book of fifty quotations on birthdays and also ageing, ranging from enjoyable to inspirational.

Suits me to a T. Purchase a custom T-shirt with some enjoyable copy on it. Example: Looks twenty two, Feels eighteen, Acts 10that can make me fifty! Or Does the shirt make me appear fifty? Check out online for some other creative ideas!

Better YetOrder customized t-shirts for the whole gang that feature a picture of the birthday celebration star and also a personalized email about converting fifty! Wear them at a party, out to a birthday dinner or even to a favorite watering hole.

Lots of memories. Take fifty downloadable pictures & fill them into an electronic photo frame.

Checking between the collections. Present them along with the publication, fifty Things to do When you Turn fifty: fifty Experts about the subject of Turning 50. It's a wonderful assortment of thoughts from people as Garrison Keillor, Suze Orman, Erica Jong, along with a lot more. Well, 47 additional, to be exact!

Did another person say party? Throw a themed gathering such as a South of the Border fling with invitations for any Nacho Average 50-year older. Fulfill Mexican food, hang a few piatas, etc. Some other themes could possibly consist of tropical-Life's a beach and afterward you switch 50! etc.

A treasury of your time. A number of days before the big working day, have friends and also family members every produce a scrapbook page which has favorite accounts, cards, mementos, photos, and more. Take all of the pages in unison and make a really special recollection album.

It all offers up. Do most of the things on this list. We're sure it will guarantee a lifetime of enjoyable as well as relationship!

[taste-thewaste]

“I’m too tired to reflect,” I mutter as I write an 1100 word post about how I’m feeling ending 2019 and heading into 2020...

I don’t want this to be super negative, but I’m also trying not to be sorry for who I am, so if this ends up negative, oh well.

I’m not a huge fan of New Year’s, mostly because for a very long time I’ve been living my life in a way that I’m not happy with and also I am a depressed piece of shit lol. I don’t like goals, because I’m not a very motivated or competitive person, and when I don’t accomplish them I feel like crap. As 2019 has wound down to a close, my heart’s been at times very heavy and at times lighter. The last few days have brought a roller coaster of emotions, but in some ways, more peace than I’ve known in the past months. Because it’s over, lads. This year is over.

At the same time, this New Year’s is more depressing in some ways because we’re closing out a decade. 2009-2019 was the first decade of my adult life, and it’s been really humbling and hard to think about. When I look back at the last ten years, it’s so easy for me to focus on the fact that I feel like I wasted it. Wasting an entire decade of your life just, is the real way to make you feel like a piece of flaming hot garbage lol. It’s also weird because I accomplished some things that, on paper, look really good. I earned three college degrees in those ten years. I had a master’s degree by the time I was 26.

I thought that by accomplishing those things my life would have ~meaning~ in the existential sense of the word, but...turns out my degrees are expensive pieces of paper, much like everyone else’s. I have yet to do anything with them. My master’s degree sits in its expensive cherry wood frame that my grandparents bought me as a graduation gift. I am still at the same job I was at when I was 17, which sucks my soul out just a little bit more each day.

I failed, in so many ways, in 2019. I gave up on searching for a new job. I told people who care about me that I’ve been looking for a new position this whole time, but I lied. I haven’t applied to a single job in the last year, and I know that giving up isn’t how you find something new. I failed to stop myself from spiraling back into bad habits and coping mechanisms, failed to stop myself from going back into this deep pit of whatever. I should’ve been stronger. I failed to make any positive changes to myself or my person this year.

I failed in this decade of my life, really. I’ve lost the last ten years (and then some...more like 13) to whatever-this-is, this cloud in my brain that covers every day with a haze, that tells me every single day how worthless and stupid I am. It’s not poetic or deep, it’s disgusting and devastating. It’s ugly. It makes me push away people who care about me or spew forth all my feelings at once. It makes me use food to cope or to punish myself. It makes me think, day after day, about hurting myself, and it makes me go through with it. It makes me believe-truly, deeply believe, from the bottom of my heart-that it’s too fucking late for me to get better. I accept responsibility for it. I know it’s my fault, for giving in, for letting it do this, for not getting help ten years ago when I still had the strength to do it. Knowing that it’s my fault and admitting it is almost calming to me. The fact that I’ve been stuck in this roundabout since I was a teenager is sickening to me. I sicken myself, and that’s the ugly truth.

I don’t have a job I’m proud of, I have a terrible relationship with my abusive family, and my body/overall health/life is something I’m not proud of. I’m not happy with the person I am or the life I live.

It’s really, really easy to focus on those things, and I do a lot of the time.

But every day I’m hurtling closer and closer to my 30th birthday, which has always felt like a weird important milestone for me, a time when I should Have It Together. Realistically, I know that everyone’s timeline is different, and I support the idea of smashing the expectation of having your life together by a certain point. For me, that’s just what it’s always felt like.

And the reality is, focusing on how much I’ve fucked up won’t do me any good. I’ll still do it, more often than I should. But it won’t help me feel better, it won’t help me recover, and it doesn’t change anything.

I have a lot of people who love me. This gets lost, all too often, in that haze I mentioned earlier. If you’ve reached out to me, if you talk to me, if you interact with me in some way on this hellsite, please know that you mean the absolute world to me. Please know that there are some of you who’ve stopped me from making a very bad, very permanent decision. Some of these people aren’t on here anymore, but I still keep in touch with them; some of them I talk to every day. I’m grateful for this community; I’m grateful for my IRL friends; I’m just grateful for Rocketman and this fandom, period.

I have a lot of decisions to make and a lot of changes to make. It scares me, and I still don’t believe I deserve to get help; I still think it’s too late for me. I hope that changes, because I can’t keep living like this and rationally I know that good things lie on the other side of this. I need to find the strength to just make tiny, baby steps because thinking about the big journey is too overwhelming for me.

I know that 2020 is just a calendar flip, and that this whole thing might seem dramatic or gratuitous. But I have to believe that this next year, this next decade, will find me in a better spot than I am now. I have to believe, just the tiniest bit, that there might be more for me than right now. Please be patient with me. Thank you for sticking around, and I promise I will, too. I sincerely wish all of you the very best that 2020 has to offer.

Cheers. <3

[little-lazylily]

This year hasn’t really been the easiest. Shit, I think it was one of the worst but thankfully there are people who stood by me throughout, some left halfway through, some I pushed away, some couldn’t last. Some decisions made might be regretful, but things happen for a reason whether you know it or not. Regardless, you can’t undo what happened. All you can do is to learn from it.

So, just a short snippet of what happened in 2018.

January

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I went to my first concert ever, and it was for Imagine Dragons (losing it) and honestly I did not regret my company for the day. And I freaking cried throughout when they entered till the end of the first song. Seriously. HAHAHAHA.

Also, it’s the first time I went JB with the clique or my friends tbh. It required more convincing than I thought, LOL, but yas, I’m so glad to have you guys around.

February

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I started talking to TW which was… HAHAHA. Oh well, everything is an experience aye?

It was a weird month where everything was so jumbled up together tbh.

It wasn’t that long since I got together with Da but it’s also when we ended. I’m so thankful that you showed me so much patience and understanding and took care of me throughout the semester and stayed by me relentlessly. I honestly don’t know how to tolerate me even after what happened.

March

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I started talking to Nic again because it felt right; that we could become friends again. We started hanging out and tried so many new firsts together, again. I wish I could feel the same again but it just wasn’t right anymore.

And my ex-girlf was dumbly back in Singapore for work, last I heard, she’s back in China again, smh. But I’m glad I got to meet you even if it’s for a while.

I met some friends in SMU and truthfully, we are kind of a shitty group in terms of classwork wise HAHAHA. Pulling stunts every time and doing work freaking last minute, it’s a surprise that we passed the module even.

April

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Sem 1.2 would not be survivable without Luq and I’m so thankful for you bro. He’s been there for me for whatever shitty reasons that makes me 24/7 upset, especially with all the exams and stuff. And he’s been filled with all my nonsense and bullshits, I don’t know how he’s still surviving being my friend HAHAHA. So glad I met ya.

And I met Jun, I liked him so fucking much guys. I can’t HAHAHA. Thanks for bringing me to my first clubbing session ft. Zedd. I can’t believe I was prioritizing guys again. Sigh.

May

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An important month of the year for my Chigga, THEAAAAAAAA. I’m sorry I kinda disappointed you with a simple plan to chill at the beach for your birthday, you had so many people to choose to spend it with but you spent it with me yas. I appreciate you so much. We’re just too damn ridiculous with our constant bullshits and I’m thankful that someone like you is around in my life.

Luq and I restrung a guitar for the first time while being scrub and doing it at a Coffee Bean outlet. Such horrible low ses lyf, just because we didn’t want to pay extra for services HAHAHA.

Also, Taiwan trip was a bomb. Sure I did not expect to go with MJ and it’s definitely weird but guys, platonic af. He’s always so understanding and tolerating of my tantrums and rage quits. Though he sucks at planning but HAHA at least he tried. Thanks for bringing me around and it was really enjoyable because I got to travel alone for a bit as well, it was one of the best fucking experience.

June

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I knew this guy through OkCupid and it was just that period of like, “oh I’m bored, let’s find some guys to talk to to pass time”. Damn, ever since we met at KOI and talked bout shits, I don’t know why it was so personal but I’m glad you opened up. And I couldn’t wait to see you, it was a weird feeling and I’m really not against it. You went Artbox with me, it was my first. Worse, you tricked me into hugging and kissing you okay. HAHAHA, you were just really this adorable guy and I wasn’t expecting much for us to happen and my friends weren’t really supportive either because I ain’t ready for this shit. But for me, I just wanted to see where this goes.

July

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I realized you were a camwhore by now HAHAHAHA, I hate taking photos and you know it. It caused some issues between us but whatev LOL. I can’t. Deal with you. At this point. You were still so adorable and YOU were the one who stole my heart you shit. Tbh, really proud of you and what you were doing, all those relentless trainings for NDP and drinking of BBTs for free HAHAHA, fattie. You look damn suave in uniform and TOTALLY WERTH THE WAIT.

It was also a milestone for Xi Mum and finally got proposed to. I’VE WAITED TOO LONG FOR THIS. I’m so glad it happened, it was so freaking beautiful okay guys.

And a million thanks to my BFF who made time to spend my birthday with me. I’m just so thankful that it was spent with someone whom I love. There was so much chilling and new shits. Thanks for putting it out to cheer me and showing so much love.

August

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Jiamin is finally back in Singapore and the weird poly clique could reunite again, at least for like… a few hours HAHA. You guys are still weird af. Though we are walking different paths, I wish y’all the very best in the next to come.

And I met this weirdo SMU girl, Amanda. HAHAHA, so our friendship literally started from, “Eh you want go club tonight with us?”, and I’m just like, “Ya sure ONS”. HAHAHA, WHY ARE WE SO FREAKING RIDICULOUS. I think it was just FOMO but HAHA, she’s one of the best out there guys.

September

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I finally went to Teepee Hut @ Mr Stork’s, it was freaking great though my company wasn’t what I expected but okay.

October

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As the date comes nearer, I get more nervous, I have no idea why but yeahs, it was our anniversary and it still kinda haunts me. We used to go every HHN together, except for the last and this year. And yeahs, it was just our thing, and now it’s changing.

Also, it’s my BFF, Denise, birthday as well. It was saddening that she didn’t join us for HHN, I think she would flip and it would be the joke of the next century HAHA. BUT WELL WELL WELL, that spot is taken by Lixuan and Thea and HAHAHA, GUYS, legit damn funny their reactions.

November

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Finally brought the bae to Teepee Hut because, yas, he was my supposed company and he’s still pissed that we didn’t go together first. He’s still such a cutie, I really don’t know how he still holds it together and tolerating me LOL.

And woohoo, shoutout to my SMU marketing chiongsters. You guys need to stop staying up and talking shits about what, getting fucked sideways by a carrot, PLEASE GUYS. HAHAHAHA, what a joke ass bunch, thanks for making this sem a fun one. Love y’all.

December

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Finally, a break to take a short travel, ALONE. Guys, I might be addicted to travelling alone. Tbh it was abit scary because of all the recent events and I don’t know, it just isn’t a safe country LOL, no where is.

Anyways, another milestone for my ex-colleague, congratulations on finally settling down.

And yas, I travelled to JB with the bae. It’s his first travelling with just two people, CAN MEH? Such a group-oriented person. It wasn’t what we expected and I think shits got abit bad at some point but I’m so glad to go through this with you, though it’s kinda boring af.

  Overview of 2018 This year hasn't really been the easiest. Shit, I think it was one of the worst but thankfully there are people who stood by me throughout, some left halfway through, some I pushed away, some couldn't last.

[ranumba]

Walking Down The Memory Lane of 2017

Over than 350 days passed by, and here we are at the end of the year. Where our mind can’t help but try to remember the path we’ve been through in each of the days. For me, if I have to be honest this is a year of self-acceptance. As I step into adult life as 23 years old young woman, this is the stage where mostly people said as a “quarter life crisis”. I have nothing to argue because I admit the validity on this. This is the moment where most of people on my age and I have to decide a step between choices in front of us. The dilemmatic post-graduation phase whether to decide what to do next, working in public or private company, working in high reputation company or moderate one, stick to the idealistic by working in a place that suit our background or deliberately change our direction by crossing another lane. There are more, whether to decide continue to master study or focus to find a new passion, for those who already with significant other maybe they will think about tie the knot first, or pending it, some others might still alone but eager to find one and anticipate a happy marriage as soon as possible. There are too many options to choose, and each of those is not an easy-bitsy choice as a lot of consideration followed. Your future might depend on your decision today. And the decision I’ve made for this year lead me to a lot of learning values of self-acceptance. Where the reality say differently toward my expectations and force me to accept everything with an open hand.

I imagined that by end of this year i would obtain my scholarship for my master program abroad and depart to my dream university at the first month of 2018 and experience my very first winter in my whole life, but what happened is I am here typing my year end post in my comfy bedroom inside my home sweet home and January 2018 I will still here. Dude the reality already spoke different about this expectation. I failed to get a scholarship, this wasn’t thing I imagine, this wasn’t in my plan, this will ruin my future but it won’t. Honestly it broke my heart the day I knew that I couldn’t go for my study in early 2018 as I planned. This is the biggest moment of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. I tried to accept that it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t because I am in-capable to receive that scholarship, it because it wasn’t my time, and everything happened for a reason. If I keep point out my failure in 2017, I will stuck in one place and probably I will spoil my precious times for the rest of the months. So I decided to move on and see the Brightside. One door closed, another will always open. I keep moving on and try to attempt my luck in other scholarships, I know it requires more time and patience, but I refuse to give up.

Talking about the Brightside, I looked back to the days I spent this year. One failure cannot replace thousands of precious moment I have created with a lot of amazing people I met and I spent time with in the rest of the year. I wrote this as the way I show my gratefulness despite my disappointment to one thing. It makes me feel that I am way luckier than I thought. At the beginning of this year, I spent my one full month to join an IELTS course and long story short I managed to get a good score for IELTS and got my very first LoA from my dream university in Holland. The most important is how I met my new friends from the class with similar motivation to study abroad, they keep my boost up. i will explain the rest in points form according to timeline (LOL such a lazy writer).

·      ~  I met a new friend from Korea trough my bestie, she asked me to join her and her Korean friend sightseeing around North Bandung area, it was such a good day and always exciting to be a tour guide and make ‘em in love with my neighborhood

·       ~  I had a gathering with fellow 2016 World Congress committees, it was marking that our whole event and cooperation as team has officially finished. I was the oldest in the team I guess, but dedicate myself to the utmost for my organization is never a disappointment, I love it. The fact that it was my last contribution in IAAS, I believe my younger brothers and sisters can do better to take care our beloved IAAS Unpad

·      ~   I applied for one scholarship to Japan which held by one well-known Japanese company in Indonesia. Out of my expectation, lucky I got selected as one of 12 top applicants and had to thru psycho-test and interview in Jakarta for two days, although I didn’t make it for next stage at least I got new friends. Psst…free accommodation and extra fee for applicants. Alhamdulillah

·     ~    It was a splendid day, there was a mini-reunion with my junior high school friends and TEACHERS. I am grateful to be a part of my JHS cause the “ukhuwah” is still well maintain until today, the fact that the teachers whom you left after almost 10 years still remember you and treasure you as one of their best student is so priceless. My best teachers ever.

·       ~  My favorite person is never forget to remind me how important our family are, he always try to convince me that I should spend more time with them while I can, we will never know what future brings for us, as long as we can, we are available, do the simplest act for the sake for our family won’t hurt, in fact it is so much precious. I believe that, and I apply that as best as I could. I asked my cousins to watch a movie in cinema, i didn’t miss the family gathering especially on our big day like Eid where there I initiatively asked them to take a group picture that we missed last year, bought a bouquet of flower for my mom on mother’s day, and other simple quality time with them although it’s only for a lunch outside

·     ~    This year on May when I turned to 23 years old, there wasn’t a big celebration. My birthday is never a time I anticipate to be honest because often times it just passed like other normal day. But I am so grateful that my close friends did their best effort to made my birthday special, I always love the moment when my friends, juniors, family, send me a birthday greeting and wishes me with all the best hopes. It shows how much people care and love me very much, and I am beyond happy for that

·     ~    Another exciting moments in this year that I got to witness my friends graduation even one of my friends had to do the defend seminar while she was 8 months pregnant (what a super woman), be there and cheering them on their special moments is always give me another joy that they way to be happy is not only because of my own success, but for what people around me have achieved also. Again, I am grateful to witness their struggle to pass the tough college years because I know how hard it was when I was in their position, some of my friends still walking on their way for a graduation, they are not late once again, they walk on their timeline. Another “hikmah” that I failed my scholarship that I don’t busy with my own thing, instead I can help people around me more as best as I can to finish their research

·       ~  Chili Padi Academy will always be a memorable event for me, the 2016 experience to be one of the facilitators came again to me this year out of my expectation, in 2017 I managed to join the team again although for “together gather” event only in Malaysia. I got to meet again my fellas from Singapore and Malaysia, Weihan and Xin Run my fav SG couple and Amalina who was about to get married when I met her I August. To be surrounded by inspiring and well-motivated people is always give me a positive energy and I am thankful that the whole team trusted me to involve in the project again. And right now we are looking forward for CPA 3 in 2018

·    ~     My Taiwanese friends were coming to Bandung for a vacation, Robert contacted me few months in advance just to make sure whether I could take them for sightseeing and I said yes. It was a well-spend 3 days with them, I am happy to introduce them to a new culture, delicacy, and a splendid nature of my home town. We had a great time together, big thanks to my lovely bestie and my sister who accompany us and made the trip much more memorable. The more the merrier

·       ~  On early September I receive an honor to deliver a simple sharing and presentation to over than 100 JHS students upon an invitation from my JHS teacher on their camping night, as an alumni although I am not too confident towards my sharing material but I tried as best as I could to motivate them to do better than me in the future, and I am proud how my juniors so much more improve each year compare to my batch. There is a saying that “no matter how far we go, never forget where we came from” and my junior high school is the biggest milestone that gave me much more strength to move forward to the place where I am right now

·     ~    I completed my first level of Korean class, I didn’t really have intention to join this course at first but my bestie asked me to join this with her and it was quite worthwhile. Never stop to learn new thing, and from this experience I manage to improve my Korean language in a proper learning. Thanks to my Korean teacher Ms. Han and my other fellow classmates who made my Saturday in 2017 always meaningful + extra hangout after the class LOL

·     ~    2017 is the year where I received a lot of wedding invitations from my friends more than last year. Stepping into adulthood, wedding is one of top agenda to attend followed by a child-birth. It means a lot of extra effort to put make up and formal outfit for a wedding and quite expenditure to buy a present for my friend’s new-born baby. It is always exciting that I can be a part of their happy moment in their life, the fact that the wedding can be a mini-reunion with my JHS, high school ,or college friends . On top of that, I can learn the A to Z wedding, marriage, to parenthood preparation from friends who face this stage first, so I can be more prepare for my moments in near future hopefully :D

·      ~   Ever since I start my effort to apply for master scholarship abroad, a lot of people around me gradually notice what I’m doing start from family, friends, junior, to my lectures and teachers. I am thankful that they always support me and deliver the humble prayer for me so that my wish can come true. Because of this also, a lot of my friends or even my juniors personally contact me to share the steps to apply the scholarship, dude…I feel like an information bureau lol, but I am happy to do that because sharing is caring, seeing a lot more people around me have the same motivation give me strength that “oh yeah…we can do this together” although in fact that I’m still struggling as well

·      ~   Guys, this point will be more serious and a lil bit thrilling, believe it or not it happened to me. First thing first, be careful when you wrote a yearly resolutions. It becomes your du’a and Allah will direct you according to your hopes. So here is the reveal, I wrote several points as my 2017 resolutions and Alhamdulillah most of the points are granted and meet my expectation, but my main wish to get a scholarship was not a part of it. It turns out that I didn’t write one specific scholarship grant that I wanted to receive, I wrote more than one as options and DANG I failed one of the scholarships I wrote in the options, and it means I might get a chance in other scholarship right? And it just because the other scholarship application open by the end of 2017, doesn’t make me “fail” my wish literally in 2017 right?  When I re-read my resolutions it gave me goose-bumps, I can’t  blame Allah for not granting my wish it is because Allah has done right to lead my path according what I wish and what I wrote on resolution. I just didn’t realize that. And one more thing I skipped is that I had a resolution to do a volunteering this year, and Masha Allah if I got the scholarship this year I might too busy preparing stuff for departure and forget this chance. It means Allah doesn’t want me to miss the opportunity for doing a good deed in this volunteering. So I looked up in a volunteer platform online and I saw one volunteering chance in Bandung by Indonesia Association of Disability Women, I thought this is a brand new thing for me, I never in touch with the world outside agriculture and environment but this might be a good chance for me to involve in social activity. I plunged in and I am in love with this new world, although it is not related with my major at all but hey to do a good thing is only require a willingness and spirit I thought. I chose a role in publication as I consider this is the field I am familiar with since college, but most importantly I got to meet new friends with their different conditions, like deaf, blind, mute, or those with mental-difability.  Being around them give me a huge reflection to myself, how lucky I am blessed with this perfect physical condition and health, I have nothing to whine about, I don’t deserve to complain about my limit, my new friends give me a valuable life lesson that I never had in class. Other volunteering I did was from my favorite NGO called Indonesia Diet Plastic Bag Movement, It was a short work term as I had to survey house to house in small area in Bandung and educate every household about the impact of plastic usage and encourage them to use reusable bag on daily basis. Those experiences gave me motivation to continue my deed as long as I can, it’s never too late to start

So….that’s all pretty much wrap up my not-so-pleasant-but-meaningful 2017, this post can’t compile all the memories I made in every single day, but these are just the representative that always can remind me of so many grateful things whenever I feel down later. My concrete plan for next year I think I will still continue my work as project research assistant with my lecture, continue my volunteer work, and probably a part time in English course as a tutor (well I don’t know, I know this is random but I always want to try this), I will spend more time with my beloved people, and I will still going on with my master study scholarship, hopefully in 2018 my biggest wish to study abroad will come true. And oh…..one more thing, much more delightful love life : I hope to see you soon Bear :)

The year of 2017 as a year of self-reflection, self-acceptance, a good lesson to face adulthood to become a better human being.  This post will be closed with one reminder verse of Quran : “Are they, then, not aware that they are being tested year-in, year-out? And yet, they do not repent and nor do they learn a lesson (from it)”. - (Quran 9:126)

 Have a very joyful and wonderful year ahead people.

Tanjungsari, 31st December 2017