#chassunah

[shainachantake2]

I want to scoop my sinuses out with a spoon.

Also, paracetamol did nothing for me. This afternoon I went up to 40C, until my husband was like, here take some ibuprofen 😅

I'm missing a chassunah and dinner tonight, boo.

I am sick. Fever, cough, the whole works. 😮‍💨

[communitykvetch-blog]

“A Shabbos of Shidduchim” aka “So, You Want To Support Our Singles... Let’s Talk About That”

Where do I even start. 

Oh, wait, I do know where we’ll start - with the advertisement for the weekend. 

Do you see what I see? Let’s break it down for a quick moment. 

Who is the demographic? 1. Single women 23 and under 2. Single women 24-29 3. Single women 30+ 4. Single men 24-35

Um, say what? So, you’re talking to women 23 “and up”, but only to men between the ages of 24 and 35?? 

And the women get lectures by:  1. Rabbi Horowitz 2. Rabbi Stengel 3. Rabbi Heber 4. Rebbetzin Goldberger 5. Dr. Dubin 6. Rabbi + Rebbetzin Hauer 7. Rabbi Hochberg

And the men? How many lecturers do they get? 1. Rabbi Teichman

And it’s not a lecture, it’s a “shmooze” that follows davening in the morning. So their afternoons are completely “free” (which I assume is so that they can all go learn. But is this not something they should learn??)

Does anyone else see a problem with this? Why is the burden for shidduchim so heavily on the shoulders of the women, but not the men?

But wait, there’s more!

Let’s look at the times. The “How our community can help support our singles” speech started at the exact same time as Rabbi Heber’s and Dr. Dubin’s, and before Rabbi Hochberg’s ended. This means that any single women who were interested in learning how to support other singles couldn’t even attend. 

But I think it goes beyond these discrepancies. I think there are deeper issues that need to be addressed. 

You want to know how to support our local singles? You want to know how we can solve this “shidduch crisis”? Go ahead, ask me. Ok, fine, well, I’ll tell you anyway. 

I have a bunch of ideas, but there isn’t enough time to discuss them all today, so... 

Here are my 5 major points: 

1.TRAIN OUR BOYS. This is the first and probably longest point I have to make. 

What does this mean? This means that we stop forcing the girls to bear the brunt of responsibility when running a household. This means teaching young men to cook, to clean, to organize, to wash their clothes, basic personal hygene... you know, things that adults should know how to do.

I can’t really speak for the other schools, but if your daughters attended 8th grade at Bais Yaakov Middle School, they took Home Economics. In my opinion, the things taught in this class should be taught starting at the age of 2. Things like, picking out fruits and vegetables, doing laundry, sewing buttons, and cooking basic dishes should be habitual and automatic by the time we graduate high school. 

And it shouldn’t be up to the schools to teach this stuff, but it should be reinforced in school. Everything is a gradual process. Everything takes time. THAT’S WHAT BEING A PARENT IS ABOUT. If you can’t raise your children to be adults, I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t be having kids. 

This applies to BOTH BOYS AND GIRLS. What is your son going to do when his wife is laid up after having kids? Is the laundry going to pile up? Are dishes going to pile up? Are the other kids not going to get cleaned? Will none of the kids get fed? It’s always nice if the grandparents/friends can come help out, but that’s not always practical, and the home should be able to operate smoothly even when the dad is in charge. 

These things need to be taught to our sons as well as our daughters at a young age, and constantly and consistently reinforced into adulthood. 

So many of the yeshivos don’t teach the boys to go out and do chessed during the week, but that’s a huge part of seminary and high school for girls. Why? Are men not obligated to do chessed? 

So many of the yeshivos don’t put an emphasis on personal hygene and cleanliness. Do you think any girl wants to get into bed with a smelly guy who hasn’t bathed or washed his clothes in weeks? Who covers his BO with more Axe body spray? 

So many of the yeshivos bring in catered food or have an on-location chef. Why? Why can’t they prepare their meals the same way women do? 

Being self-sufficient and independent is so important, but so many men these days (particularly those who spend most of their schooling in yeshiva) can’t do basic things. 

There is an emphasis put on learning Torah, which is important and admirable, but it’s not ideal. Does anyone remember the whole Yisachar/Zevulun relationship? There are learners and there are earners. Not everyone is meant to sit and learn! Shocker, I know. 

These boys go to yeshiva, they sit and learn all day, while everything is either taken care of for them or nobody cares too much about, and then they expect that they’ll get married, they’ll continue to sit and learn, and their wives will not only take care of the entire household, but also bear and raise the children, and be the primary breadwinners of the family. NEWSFLASH: THIS IS NOT REALISTIC. 

These boys/men need to be taught a trade. It should start in elementary school, reinforced in middle, and mastered in high school. They need something in addition to learning, which they can do early in the morning, in the evenings, and on Shabbos. There is time for everything if time is budgeted properly.

Pirkei Avos even talks about this! A man needs a trade, and sitting and learning IS NOT A TRADE. 

In the “olden days” only the top students of the yeshivos were the learners, and they were not paid for their time the way “kollel” guys are today. They had to be supported by the communities. It’s amazing that we now have these financial backers with a lot of capital, but these people should be focused on supporting the top learner, not every shmo who doesn’t want to work. 

Ok, I feel like I’ve driven that one home. On to the next point: 

2. TEACH COMMUNICATION SKILLS

I don’t even understand how this is not a thing. Do I even need to say more?

Like everything else I’ve mentioned, communication skills should be taught and reinforced at a young age. It’s extremely important in other interpersonal relationships, but most importantly in marriage. I have friends who got divorced after less than two years of marriage because of issues with communication.

It’s so distressing. 

3. STOP FORCING RELATIONSHIPS THAT SHOULDN’T HAPPEN

I don’t even know why I have to say this. I want to use so many curse words right now for the people who do this garbage, but I’ll keep this PG. 

Telling someone who has misgivings about a relationship nonsenes like, “we worked so hard to put this shidduch together, so you have to go out at least one more time” or “it’s just nerves, it will go away” or “but you two are perfect for each other!” puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on a person who is already feeling a ridiculous amount of pressure! 

STOP. IT. 

I know several people first hand who either went through with a wedding they knew never should have happened or almost went through with a wedding that never should have happened. (And by almost, I mean, like a day or two before.) And EVERY SINGLE TIME, at least one partner of the couple has said that they felt pressured into it. 

That is alst Torah! What are you even doing!? 

It shows such a lack of emunah that I want to scream and smack people for doing it. 

4. STOP LYING IN SHIDDUCHIM!!!

Again, why do I even have to say this?? 

If you think for one second that your history, mental illness, physical illness, lack of similar values, or whatever will not come out at some point in your marriage, you have another thing coming. And by another thing, I mean divorce. 

I know of a girl who married a heroine addict because HIS rav knew about it and hid that information. HEROINE. ADDICT. And they knew and didn’t tell her. I mean, MY GOD. Who even does that!?

There is a special place in gehenom for people like that. It’s absolutely despicable. 

And again, that’s an extreme case, but there are others that are less severe, yet still serious. 

Like, someone who is a smoker and says they’re not. 

Or who says they plan to work and learn, but they commute long hours to their minimum wage job and have never had a chavrusa outside of yeshiva... 

Or who claims he was never married before because his marriage ended after a month... 

Or who claims he is working, but actually receives benefits from the government for a disability he never disclosed and slacks off at his “job” because it doesn’t matter...

THIS STUFF ALWAYS COMES OUT. And then you just look like a lying dirtbag. Which, you are. So, it’s a deserved title. 

And now my final point:

5. TEACH WOMEN THAT THEY ARE TRUSTED AND RESPECTED

Now, some of you are probably going, “wait, what? but they are. we live in a modern world where women are strong and respected.” And to that I have to ask: are you sure about that?

If you’re so sure about that, then explain to me why a friend who worked in a local store was sexually harassed by a co-worker, told by her “frum” and well-respected boss that nothing happened, and subsequently screamed at, cursed at, banned from the property, and had the police called on her when she tried to pick up her last paycheck. And when she got a rav involved, the rav told her, “he won’t listen to me. there’s nothing I can do.” And when together we tried a second rav, he said, “others have tried and there’s nothing we can do.”

If you’re so sure about how women are strong and respected, explain to me why I know more than 5 women who lost everything in a divorce hearing because the local Beis Din sided with their disgusting ex-husbands, all because the men had money. 

Explain why we have male principals point out tznius issues to female students.

Explain why we have so many agunot. 

Explain to me why my own mother, who wanted a divorce after trying her goshdarn hardest for 30 years, had to call more than three local rabbanim, because each one she spoke to refused to hear her side and just kept telling her that her children would follow her lead in terms of kibbud av, and she needed to be respectful. 

Where is the support? Where is the respect? Where is the ahavas yisroel that everyone is always talking about?

So, not only are women dealing with immature guys who don’t know how to communicate or help out around the house, who have their priorities out of whack when it comes to their family’s ruchnius and gashmius, who are lying or having people lie about/for them... but capping that all off with such a lack of respect that if anything even potentially goes wrong in their marriage they won’t be believed or respected enough to help them end it appropriately... you still expect them to jump in with both feet? 

And where are the lectures for men? Where’s the mussar? Why is nobody speaking to them about any of this? Why such a small demographic of men? Why do they get a morning cholent “shmooze,” while the women of all ages have to take off their afternoons that could be spent learning or saying tehillem to be lectured about what they need to be doing to be a better candidate for marriage?

I’m not saying women are perfect in any way, but in a world so heavily steeped in gashmius, where mental illness is pummeling us from every direction, where women feel the need to get facial reconstructive surgery to look like models so they’ll be physically appealing to all guys.... there is such a disproportionate burden put on the single women that it’s nauseating. 

Well now, this has turned out a heck of a lot longer than I intended. I apologize to anyone who actually read this much. You are a superstar!

But in all seriousness, we need so much to change. And I honestly don’t see how this past weekend helped anything. Only time will tell. 

[rebbe-stories]

What Does a Mezuzah Represent?

by Rabbi Sholom DovBer Avtzon

In honor of the Chassunah of our daughter and son-on-law this past Sunday, I am sharing a Yechidus that a chosson had with the Rebbe prior to his Chassunah, in 5728 (1968).[1]  This story I heard from Rabbi Sholom Ber Schapiro, who was then also a chosson and had a yechidus that night, immediately before that chosson, and heard it directly from him. My thanks to Rabbi Schapiro for sharing it with me,

In those years, a yechidus before one’s Chassunah was for just a few minutes. Together to their pa”n (pidyon nefesh – request for brochos), the Chosson would give the Rebbe an invitation and the Rebbe would quite often ask him a few questions about the preparations to the chassunah.

That night one of the chassanim’s yechidus continued for considerably longer, which was a surprise to everyone. So when he came out of the Rebbe’s room, I (Rabbi Sholom Ber Schapiro) went over and said, if it wasn’t personal, would you please share with me what the Rebbe said to you during your Yechidus.

The chosson replied, although the Rebbe told it to me, which demonstrates that it is pertinent to me, perhaps more than to others, however, I do feel that it should be shared with others, so I will relate it to you.

As you all know, quite often the Rebbe asks chassanim a few questions about the preparations for the Chassunah.

I (the other chosson) replied, That I was learning the halachos that are pertinent to a marriage, as well as the fact that we found an apartment, and some other points.

The Rebbe then asked me “What else?”

I replied, we purchased some furniture, for the dining room, living room and bedroom.

The Rebbe then inquired, “And what else?’

I replied, “We have pots, pans, dishes and cutlery.

Once again the Rebbe inquired, “And what else?”

I replied, “Towels and linen”.

But each answer I gave, seemingly didn’t answer his question. I said that the walls were being painted, shades for the windows were put up, a new lock on the door.

And the Rebbe continued repeating this question, “And what else?”

Finally, I had nothing more to add, and I remained silent.

The Rebbe then said, “You mentioned that you acquired numerous things; however, you didn’t mention that you bought and placed Mezuzos on the frame of the door. I will tell you why one should have a mezuzah on the door of their apartment.[2]

“The Hebrew word mezuzah, is comprised of three consonants; it begins with a mem, the word zoo and the word zeh.

“The numerical equivalent of the letter Mem, is forty.  The Mem in the word Mezuzah, represents the Torah, which was given to us after Moshe Raibeinu went up the mountain for mem (forty) days. [That is a reference to Torah Shebeksav (the written Torah)], and mem also symbolizes the Torah she’baal peh (oral Torah) as the talmud begins and ends with a mem.

“The consonant Zoo represents the words of the possuk ahm zoo yutzartuh (this nation You created), a reference to the Jewish people.

“The final consonant of Zeh is connected to the words of the possuk, Zeh Keili vi’anverihu(this is my G-d and I will glorify Him).

So in essence the mezuzah represents the three loves that a Jew has, Ahavas Hatorah (love for the Torah), Ahavas Hashem (love for Hashem) and Ahavas Yisroel (love for every Jew).

That is teaching us that a chosson and kallah should prepare their home to be a home of  – TORAH (mem), YIDDEN (zoo) – meaning hachnasas orchim and then HASHEM (zeh) will reside within their home and be a partner with them.”

The Rebbe then blessed me that my house should embody this concept. Amen

May this brocho be fulfilled in all of our homes!

---

Rabbi Avtzon is a veteran mechanech and the author of numerous books on the Rebbeim and their chassidim. He is available to speak or farbreng in your community and can be contacted at avtzonbooks@gmail.com.

---

[1] At that time each Chosson (and Kallah) was able to have a yechidus in the Rebbe’s room.

Author’s note: Rabbi Schapiro explained to me that the chassanim (and most people) fasted the day that they had a yechidus with the Rebbe. Being that he went into the yechidus before this chosson, he was waiting outside to give him something to break his fast on.

In the early mem’s (80’s), the seder became that the Rebbe would periodically grant yechidus kiloilis (one Yechidus for all chasanim and kallahs, another one for all boys and girls (together with their parents) who were becoming bar and bas mitzvah, etc.

[2] Compiler’s Note: I believe that at that time many people followed the halachah as it is mentioned in Shulcha Aruch. That a person who moves into an apartment, is not obligated to put up a mezuzah until he has lived there for thirty says.

However our custom is to place the mezuzah as soon as one enters his new dwelling place, a kosher mezuzah is placed on every door, and on the thirtieth day, one is taken down and rechesked.

[intheparsha]

The Story: Part 10

Warning Signs

Although the story is pretty much over, I wanted to add one more post for two reasons:

1. 9 is not a round number ;)

2. A quick Public Service Announcement

When I was in seminary, we had a seminar about abusive relationships and my sister told me that when she went to seminary she had the same one from the same lady. And in retrospect, she should have recognized some of the issues earlier. 

One of the warning signs of an abusive relationship is the number of elaborate gifts that are showered on the victim. 

Y.M.'s family tried to buy her. 

Aside from offering to pay for wedding related things on a constant basis, even though they stated vehemently that they didn't have any money, they showered her with gifts at every turn.

There were smaller gifts, but here's a list of the big things she received from them: 

1. The engagement ring 2. A white gold and diamond heart shaped necklace 3. A set of silver candlesticks (actual silver) 4. A set of silverware (actual silver) 5. A Rosh Hashana honey dish (actual silver) 6. A leather bound siddur/machzorim/tehillem set with her full name on the front, including their last name. At that point they not only weren't married, but the wedding plans hadn't even been made yet. 7. A full set of Susie Fishbein cookbooks 8. A (truly hideous) sheitle that cost $1000

My sister felt overwhelmed each time they gave her a gift like that because she felt like they were smothering her a bit. She just wanted to spend time with them and instead they would give her stuff. 

My mom didn't like it because she felt that she had to reciprocate but couldn't because we don't have money. 

I personally thought it was just overkill, but at the time my sister seemed happy, so I just went with it, completely forgetting that it was one of the warning signs. 

As women, we naturally have a binah yesera. Women's intuition IS a real thing. As is gut instinct. If you have a concern, TELL SOMEONE. 

There are too many young people getting divorced, or worse, getting stuck in a marriage with someone abusive and/or won't give a get. 

Although I kept checking in with my sister to make sure she was ok with the engagement and Y.M, I can honestly say that if it hadn't been for the courage of E.S., my sister would probably be stuck in one of those marriages right now. 

Homeland security has adopted the phrase "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING" in terms of suspicious packages, but it 100% applies in relationships too. 

If you have a relative or friend who looks like they're about to end up in a bad place, as a frum person, you have an obligation to save that person. 

My sister has said that although I kept after her, it wasn't something she was ready to admit even to herself. It literally took sitting down and being forced to recognize the issues she kept pushing aside for her to see just how bad her own situation was. 

Interventions do work. 

She's better for it and her relationship with E.S. is stronger than it's ever been. 

Telling the person them-self might not work, but if you talk to their parent, or like E.S. did, the person's Rav, you can make a difference. 

So please, if you ever see something that seems off, say something. 

[intheparsha]

The Story: Part 8

Falling Action

My sister got a phone call from the Rav telling her that he had spoken to Y.M. and explained to him some of what he had discussed with my sister. 

Then my sister started getting texts from Y.M. that were begging her to reconsider. Telling her that he would change. Asking for a chance to talk and explain. 

The problem was though, that there was nothing left for him to explain. He had lied about big things and that's not how you start a relationship. That's not how you treat the person you're about to marry.

She did speak to him on the phone a couple more times, but those conversations went pretty much the same way. She asked him about his previous engagement and after several prodding questions he finally admitted that the other girl was the one who broke it off, but he was quick to fill in with how he had his own reservations about that shidduch that he didn't voice during the engagement and how glad he was when the girl broke it off. 

My mom finally heard from Y.M.'s parents and all of their messages seemed to suggest that although there was a hiccup, the wedding was still on.

At that point, we started calling and canceling everything - the reserved busses, the caterer, the florist, everything. The caterer said he hadn't even heard from Y.M.'s parents, who were the ones to pick him in the first place. His family took control of so many things that we weren't even sure of all the numbers to call and had to actually research a bit to find out these places, but in the end everything was cancelled. 

That night, when the engagement was officially off and everything was cancelled, we ordered a couple of pizzas and sat around making phone calls to family and friends letting them know everything was off. 

The amount of support and brachos that flowed from everyone we spoke to was astounding. 

Everyone was cracking jokes and having a great time, and at one point my sister just stopped with a slice of pizza halfway to her mouth and burst out laughing. When we asked her what was so funny, she said, "Isn't it crazy how we're all having more fun breaking off the wedding than we were planning the sheva brachos?" 

And it was true. We most definitely were.

To Be Continued...

[intheparsha]

The Story: Part 2

Lies and Confusion

My sister came in one day with a weird look on her face, so I asked her what was up. She looked at me and said, “Um. He was engaged.”

I was like, “What? What are you talking about?”

So she told me - one of her close friends (let’s call her Ahava) had been friends with Y.M.’s family for years. Ahava and my sister were having a conversation about the event that they went to where my sister met Y.M.’s mother and aunt (the event that got this whole ball rolling in the first place), and Ahava said, “Wait, was that while he was still engaged?”

And my sister made one of these faces: (O.o)

Ahava said, “What's wrong?" My sister replied, "He was engaged?" And Ahava said, "I totally told you about that.” But my sister did not recall that bit of information. At all. So Ahava asked, “Wait, he didn’t tell you about it?” Apparently he had skipped that piece of information as well.

So my sister called Y.M. and asked him about the previous engagement to which he replied something along the lines of, “She was too needy and controlling, she was bad at decision making, it wasn’t a good shidduch, everyone told me she wasn't right for me but I wouldn't listen and I was relieved when it was over.” I don’t think my sister was at ease with his response, but she sort of dropped the subject.

But still. Engaged to two people within a year of each other is kind of strange. And to avoid that topic in conversation with your betrothed just seems so wrong.

To be continued...