#chapter 15.4

[cherrsnut]

Hostage - Chapter 5

Finnick Odair x Healer!Reader

Summary: Up until now, your life has been a solitary one. Being the sole owner of an herbal shop, and apothecary to many fishermen who have been injured. Just when your life seemed to follow the routine you were so used to, your life turns a 360 when you’re suddenly taken away for the 67th Annual Hunger Games. This turn of events forces you to accept the idea the Grim Reaper is stalking close behind you, faster than you had hoped for. 

Tags: Extremely Slow Burn, Eventual Smut, Angst, Typical THG Violence, Forced Prostitution, Forced Lab Rat, Injury, Mental Health Deterioration, Psychological/Physical Torture, Death, Alcohol/Drug Consumption, Medical Malpractice, Fluff (bc they deserve it).

Word Count: 15.4 k

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Chapter 5

You tried to ignore the buzzing pain of your head, but it was close to impossible, and you were far from being able to leave behind the awful feeling. Each buzz was burning another nerve cell into calcination, and each time without fail, earned you a stinging flinch. It was exactly the same as the typical insects under the scorching summer weather back home, in District 4. Those little biting monsters were truly the epitome of persistent, and it made them extra worse when they seemed to follow you around until you satiated their hunger at your expense, which consisted of those itchy neverending biting marks along your skin. 

You rushed through the sensory doors, and looked around the salon in need of urgent explanations. 

Everyone you had seen the day before were there, all in their usual forms. Vito and Finnick were wearing clothes from a fabric that screamed the expensive taste of the Capitol’s citizens. Scarlett was the one who was flauting her clothing style more though. The two men were simply one colored shirts, green and white, with the natural material of sheep’s wool that was tinted black, with the few details for the botton’s up that Vito was wearing. 

Scarlett on the other hand was wearing a garnet long sleeved top, and just like the very same day you met her, her shoulders were on display. The only way the shirt could hold itself, you speculated, was from its thigh hold it had on the voluptuous skin from her breasts and abdomen. The line of the red textile run along the lower part of her shoulder, to the beginning of where her breasts started, only to finalize its race to the other shoulder in parallel height with the with one.

She accompanied that with a pale-like yellowish colour long skirt of cotton. And with the brief encounter you had with her, you were surprised to having found her wearing a much simpler outfit. Her makeup followed her simplicity, red dark lipstick and a pair of eyeshadows that was only eye catching because of the colour, that exactly matched with her tinted lips.

 Everyone was sitting down by the large table, the Avox girl standing with a metallic tray weighing down of her hands. She was serving breakfast, fried eggs with a side of some sausages and hot baked beans.The girl all in red had stopped in her tracks slightly to the incoming guest, but after finding you she deemed you not important enough to stop her from performing her task. 

Your sight came in contact with the view of the table, with many vases with drinks from water to many types of juice mixes, like strawberry with banana, and grape with apple. And of course, Scarlett’s absolute favourite had to be there, English tea and neatly placed next to it was another cup with many sugarcubes. 

“Finally, you’re awake! I was about to send someone to come pick you up!” Scarlett said, and it oddly felt like she was reprimanding you for waking up later than she’d be pleased with. In that very moment though, you couldn’t even think of the words that came out of her mouth. The pain from the side of your head, only seemed to grow thicker and stronger by the minute, and you felt yourself not paying attention to anything until that was resolved. 

“Can someone tell me just what happened to my face?” you demanded a valid explanation of your new bruised area. Your voice was strong. The pain had been the one to rise you from your sleep, and it instantly woke you from your fuzzy mind with a boost of pained energy.

Your plea sounded more like frustrating anger had crept its way out of your tongue. You squinted your eyes and flinched again. The bursting pain from the side of your head was not holding back, and in fact doubled it burning effect.

The way you woke up was everything but proudful. Your eyes had suddenly woken up at the burning sensation that covered your whole face. You had expected it from to be the huge hangover from participating in the drinking match of the night before, and your suspicions following a valid lead when you found yourself not remembering much from your encounter with Finnick. So when you went back to the nostalgic bathroom to clean your features up, because you knew you weren’t going to be looking your best, a huge purple bruise appeared at the side of your forehead, and that's when you decided to come running to the salon car.

At the sound of your voice, Vito’s heart rushed in culpability. The night before, he stayed in his room awake for a few more hours, still in his empty trance while his blood run cold. Every living second was a plea he was making to whoever to grant him the wish of letting him come out alive, and soon return to his family. He understood your words, and the inner voice of his mind kept repeating him that you were right, that he needed to come back for the sake of his sisters, and to stop his father from encouraging his much younger siblings into believing the Hunger Games was some sort of competition of proud victors between Districts. 

He would lie if he said he didn’t want to live, in fact he was terrified at the idea of dying. He didn’t want to die under the harsh arena, and that thought came crumbling back to you. Because if it meant he lived, you were going to die, and there was no compromise he could do change that outcome. 

He meant those words from last night; you were definitely more important. There weren’t many doctors back in District 4, at least not as manny as there should.

And that hurt more, having to choose between his own selfish desire or the good of the injured men by the port. The logic in his brain told him the answer, but the idealistic side of him pretended to come up with excuses to take away your life, and make your death less detestable for his soul. But he knew that was simple a fantasy. And he solemnly was accepting the idea of letting go of his own life, so yours could be properly used into helping others.

His eyes crossed to the disturbing colour from your bruise, and flinched just as he could feel the pain by just having seen it. Scarlett gasped in horror at the piece of art of your face, very much loudly and with her exaggerated undertone, that could lead anyone to believe she had for the very first time seen an art canvas filled with the very real representation of war, and finding out for the first time about the big tragedy that carried that short word.

She didn’t give you much time to think though, because she came running down to inspect your skin decoloration. Her careful gloved fingers caressed your jaw and tilted it up, so her tall figure could inspect it further with the professional eyes of Capitol’s refined delicate perception.. 

“Oh. My. God. What happened?” she demanded the very same answer, you wanted to satiate your dismayed pure confusion running along the veins of your brain. Still astonished as to how this could have happened in the first place. 

The tip of her nail slightly brushed past the outside of your bruised head, which earned you gurgled grunt from the explosive pain, that pulsated like the vibrations of an early volcano eruption. 

You looked at her, your murderous glare turned your pupil icy red as a warning of your pure hostility. If you could, although it would’ve definitely been looked down upon, you would have put into use your aggressive energy to break her fingers in that very instant, so she would never have the unpleasentry of having to disturb anyone’s bruises again.

“OW! Don’t touch it!” you groaned in the fiery fury from the pure idiocy of your escort. Your hand came in crashing to your head, almost as if protecting it from the unexpected attack. You weren’t surpsried the bruise had become scalding hot in that very instant. 

Finnick face contorted in pain just like Vito had done earlier. It was no stranger to him the sight and pain from those nasty bruises he constantly got while working with his family and training to become a fighter. So when he centred his eyes on the pained area, he got the full view of the severity of the visible lump that was forming on the side of your head. It was only purple on the outside, like those outer ripples from a disturbed still lake. But the inside was the true main character of your agony. It was in a mix of both pale green and yellow, and it didn’t convince him in the slightest if someone was trying to persuade him into thinking you were alright, especially not when those colours reminded him of dried off cod fish, its putrid smell indicating him it was far past its edible stage. 

But he also felt somewhat guilty in being slightly amused by seeing your situation plan out. Afterall, he was present from last night’s affair. One where he was the sole witness of the unecesarry assault that the bathroom tiles had done to you. Although, if he thought about it carefully, it was your charging body collapsing to the floor that made the tiles rightfully defend themselves in the form of a nasty blow to your head.

A frustrating sigh escaped between you teeth, although it very much sounded like a little whine when you exhaled your breath. You closed your eyes and moved away from Scarlett, unable to give her a second chance to redeem herself from her unforgivable action. 

Your feet made quick work with your desperate mind. And soon, you found yourself by the kitchen counters, wondering where the hell where the medical supplies. The hundreds of cupboards stacked were already confusing your mind that was slowly recuperating itself. You coudn’t help but think just how you were in this very situation when you made that very bad decision-making from last night, when your where hunting down after that white wine bottle. 

You turned to the Avox who was simply standing two feet away from you, her head hunged low with her usual somber expression. You needn’t think twice about your biggest desire in that moment.

“Get me a medical kit” another grunt escaped your very mouth. You squinted your eyes in pain, before fully closing them altogether as a failed attempt to wash off even just if was the slightest amount of pain. 

Since Scarlett decision on touching the sensitive area of your skin, a move that could only be considered as genius, the pulsating waves spread throughout your body, the ripples of pain got further and further away, and danced in the same rhythm as your heart beating organ. It was a horrible migraine, which only worsened your hungover. You bet the heat radiation from your forhead would be equal to that of a life threatening fever. Just my luck. 

Scarlett on the other hand was having some sort of existential crisis in the background. You already felt personally annoyed by her, so you coudn’t blame your mistreated brain from wanting to unconsciously turn to look at her, to have many more reasons as to why you were irked by her very presence. But you denied that passing thought. Because you knew the moment you’d deviate your attention to her tantrum, all stemming from her fear of the judgy stares from the public of the Capitol. An emotional outburst over your displayed physical beauty, and not from the deaths that was going transpire soon; you knew you’d have an additional migraine on top of all the head aches you were suffering. And you weren’t the type to indulge yourself in masochism. 

You flinched your already closed lashes further down, so much so the corner of your eyes made wrinkles from the excess of muscle use, still hoping this would help in some way or another in slowing the burning away. Every single curse floated in the inner depths of you mind, making sure to bite your bottom lip as to not let any of the words slip away in the breeze and into the ears of everyone present. But it was made difficult when you had an angering comment just on the tip of your tongue, to reprimand the Avox from her extremely slow pace, so much so, it seemed she was doing it on purpose. 

Vito appeared in your eyesight, just as you were blessing the Sea Gods when the girl in red uniform finally placed the medical kit next to you on the kitchen counter. She then disappeared somewhere in the room, as to not let herself known and disturb the lively train ride that was occurring in that very moment. 

Vito’s tanned hands, one that were full of scars, that anyone with a deep understanding in open wounds, such as yourself, could tell were from working with very sharp blades. He opened up the box, which contents you considered as your life saviours.

His charcoal eyes moved to you for a second, before going back to rummaging through the white box until he found what he was looking for. He knew just which remedies to use for this type of bruises, like he had gone through the same type of injuries many times before. You guessed it came from the depressing context from his family teachings and disturbing perception of the Hunger Games.

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it” he reassured you. His tone was consoling, and you obeyed the hidden meaning of just staying put, and let him help with with your headache. 

You could feel your soul scream in a cheering manner as his paled scarred fingers wrapped around the yellow cream you had been so desperately waiting to find. The distressing pain almost bolted, the soon realization you’d fight back against its merciless tirany, with clear determination to stop further physical hurt from happening in that moment. 

The contents where nothing but a splurg of white, very thick and sticky against his poinyy finger, creating a big circuled blob against it. 

Vito looked at you momentarily, his eyes concentrated in carrying out his task. He repeated most of Scarlett’s previous actions, afterall he was smart enough not to make the silly mistake to touch the injury point blank, only doing it with the gently applied cream of his finger for the burning that was forming a lump on the side of your forehead.

His dried fingers brushed past, walking against the bone of your jaw, to hold it by the sharp corner near your ear of your jawline. It was so lightly, but its presence was still aching for your attention to notice his slender fingers. He tilted your head up, earning him better access to the big bruised area he surprised himself, finding it much bigger what what he had anticipated earlier. His transparent body gave away what his soul was thinking, and by the look Vito was making, you knew it would take up days for the bruise to fully heal. 

His close inspecting eyes were too focused on the task he had placed on his own shoulders. However in that moment, your head could only spin at the high temperatures it was reaching. It surpassed and defied the limit if your body heat, and you had to, for the very first time, question Edna’s nursing book she had given you barely two weeks after you had been placed under her wing. 

You closed your eyes. His features where very much close to yours. The proximity made you rather uncomfortable for your liking. He was probably used to this type of closeness growing up three younger sisters. But all the years alone made you withdrawn from this type of human contact. Afterall, its not like you had anyone to practice this tense claustrophobia-like feeling. Which only worsened when your realized, his arm had unknowingly made its way onto the counter to lean his weight against, and find stability to get proper reach of his taget, all for the sake of your bruise. Which only worsened your claustrophobia anxiety as it felt exactly like you were being trapped in a confined space. 

That only distracted you a little from the pain. You realized, because as soon as that thought entered the cage of your mind, the heat of the innerworks of the churning volcano, in full crusty magma energy, ready to burst out at any moment hurt your brain again. Its core from the purple nasty coloured bruise. 

You ignored the warm breath of Vito that was tickling your nose, when the bruising cream made contact with your sensitive pained area. The freezing cream explored all the way of the ice, having the volcano-like feeling, and you amused yourself further with the thought of the cold overtaking the radiant magma. The silent cold spoke bigger words with its actions, as it rapidly wiped out and froze every fury rage from your lump, into a never ending winter season. Its daily forecast seemed to have a threatening snowstorm, and you were finally glad your full bruise’s violent kingdom had come to an end. That amazing feeling run on every vein and cell, its refreshing sweet frozen rush swam across your body like a vase of pure cold slush.

Your features relaxed every muscles in delight, and Vito smiled up at your relieved face. 

“Feels nice, huh?” he asked, although he already knew the answer. His tone had become a tone lower from the closeness from the two of you. Your mind was still feeling that cold rush sedating feeling, from pain’s punctuating reach. The relaxed irises of your form opened and moved to meet his, and to his question your responded with a weak smile hanging from your features. It was evident to anyone in the room, that Vito was the person whom you had bigger affinity over.

“Thanks” you said in the same husky tone as his. He grinned wider at your confirmation.

There was a moment of silence. Vito's creeping thoughts was slowly coming back to haunt him. He’d mean to come and help you as an excuse to talk to you again. He still had a sour taste in his mouth from the way he screamed at you last night, something it nailed his brain in self agony as the train traveled through the stillness of the night. 

“Hey, about yesturday…” he started, picking up your quick attention to him. You weren’t mad, not after everything that had transpired before you went to sleep. Your argument with Vito would have been long forgotten if he hadn’t mentioned it.

The inside of your skull had a million puzzle pieces missing, and now that your burning was cooling down at the nice friction from the cream, you were desperately trying to find the void gaps of your memory puzzle from last night. 

 “I’ve been thinking what you said to me” his voice had become weaker. You were glad at the very least you remembered the dispute well enough to understand the point he wanted to make. 

“Yeah… ?” you dragged the word out, the intonation very much asking the question as to finding out whether he had changed his mind or not. It seemed unlikely though, not even a day having passed to properly process your argumentative point. And it seemed hard to think he had enough time to break it down and to analyze the pieces behind your reasoning, and to fully comprehend them. But then again, its not like you had willingly done it for him either, and thus your doubt about his possible mind change.

The words got stuck in his throat. He admired you then, just how freely you could say those sacrificing words without a hint of poison gurgling up at the back of your tongue. He thought then, that maybe you had that pessimistic thought for a while know, the idea and acceptance of your own death in the cruelest way possible. But what he had failed to realize is that you still haven't accepted it fully. Your body and soul still lingered onto that thread of hope for you to come out alive, it still put your hair straight on end at the idea from the many ways you could die. And you were sure it would defenitely be more painful than the headache you were feeling, which seemed silly if you compared the two together. 

And yet his voice retreated back into the pit of his stomach. He just coudn’t say the words without a hard struck feeling that squeezed his neck, as if it rejected and plead to overthink over that self-destructing idea. The mind worked very similarly to everyone’s head, it’s purpose to self-protect one-self was the last thing to linger before you had successfully torn your soul apart, and Vito found it increasingly difficult to say the words of his own sacrifice. But you were looking at him, expectant as to what he wanted to say.

“I still haven’t changed my mind” he opted. And it helped him in his emotional turmoil. He internally sighed, and was grateful he could voice the stubborn decision with a change of a few words. 

You looked up at him. You knew he wasn’t going to agree with you so soon, but somehow his very stone hard deciding words, the one spoken from a tone that let you know there was nothing that you could do to change his mind, left you with a dumbfounded look in your eyes. With one of your eyebrows slightly trembling, perplexed at his decided thoughts that left no room from a second opinion, aka, your opinion. 

“Vito I swear to Go-” you started, the voice very evident on your annoyed stance. But you remained limited on that level of frustration, you didn’t want it to surpass it like last nights’ after-dinner event. Still, you gave him an unpleasant look.

But he cut you off before you could go on and repeat the same words from before, because Vito had already heard you loud and clear. He simply just didn’t fully agree with them, not when he stubbornly thought your extended existence would be of greater benefit.

“Know, that I accept that part of protecting you, though.” His voice got lounder in self confidence, and you could swear there was an amusing tone hidden behind those white teeth of his. You looked at him, your mouth still open ajar before he could let you finish. 

Your eyes announced his betrayal by not letting you speak your mind, so you recomposed your body, getting on a more straightened pose. Your features formed into an evident silent scowl. Maybe five seconds had passed from your unpleasant glare, resting your eyelids so your eyes looked smaller, but the pupil were charged with incessant energy. 

And suddenly, your suspicions got confirmed. Vito let out a chuckle that felt very much a mock at your persona. His eyes got back to yours after he had cheekily escaped the grasp of your gaze, and he had the audacity to plaster a victorious small smile on his lips, a smirk. Fucking bastard.

You opened your mouth to retort something back, but the man well known as the Capitol’s Darling interrupted both of your banter. You looked at your right, and found Finnick leaning over the beige paper wall, too simple for the Capitol’s luxury you thought, but you weren’t the type to get easily judgemental over physical things like that, so you let that slide. 

His bronze hair shined along the sun’s light that transmitted across the window. He was looking at the both of you after having called both of your names. He made a quick gesture, pointing at what laid beyond the moving picture of the transparent crystal. His crossed arms unwrapped themselves as his eyes returned at the two of you again. And with an amused small smile he spoke. “Looks like we’ve arrived at the Capitol”.

The way you had been welcomed to the Capitol was… interesting to say the least. You didn’t see much of the Hunger Games, especially since Edna was one of the few people of District 4 that hadn’t made you believe it was some sort of proud rivalry between Districts , but rather a death game that tried to disguise itself as a sport competition. Although, it definitely resembled that of Hunting Competitions, this version though, the weak players were the hunted trophy of the Careers, and you were sure you’d be categorised as their prey once they had seen your skills, or better said lackoff. 

However, you were surprised when they had led you into a completely painted milky walls, everything was void of any colour, which already felt out of order from the Capitol’s hyper fixation with “bringing life” to their purchased items. And before you knew it, you were carried to your Prep Team station. 

You shoudn’t have been surpsried in the slightest. You considered your brain to be level headed and sane, something you coudn’t help but wonder just how have the people in the Capitol been so rewired into believing the Hunger Games were “fun”. So your little brain coudn’t grasp their further audacity. It wasn’t enough they were essentially forcing you to die out at the arena with other adolescents, many of them being children that could have had a fulfilling life. So you knew your appalled features were justified. But in addition, they had to beautify you, all in Capital standards of course. You had seen some of the clothing styles of past Tribute Parades, and they had been questionable, to say the least. Many were simple outrageous costumes, a silly representation, and not the deserved recognition of hard work we put in to fuel their food, clothes and luxurious lifestyles. We were like a freak show to them, to smile and laugh at our expense. Which only worsened your nauseating feeling of your hungover. 

But nothing could beat your experience with your assigned Prep Team. They had properly washed your every corner, stripped away of any black heads that was stuck in the pores of your nose, had applied moisturizing cream that could’ve easily have been originated from the slime of the snails, waxing every part that deemed “too much hair” to be ladylike, and of course, brushing off the wild split ends of your hair you hadn’t bothered to care enough to deal with for some months now. 

You shoudn’t have been surprised at all, that and their snobby attitude towards you. Of course you would be deemed dirty from the get go, looking down at you as they coudn’t comprehend as to why you woudn’t take care of your appearance, ignorant of the simple fact that you were coming from a working District, of course you wouldn't prioritize boosting your physical attractiveness over keeping yourself alive.

Still, you hoped the good relationship with District 4 would give you some sort of better treatment, considering it came from a Career District. Unfortunately, you were dully disappointed. Your Prep Team coudn’t help but give you a snide eye occasionally, like you smelled like dead fish that had been dried by the shore from disgusting muddy water. Totally unaware of the fact, that the very delicate three star michelin dishes ingredients, mostly come from the sea surrounding District 4. I wonder if they know where their fish and seafood comes from…

Although you assigned stylist was nice nice enough. She was very young and petite, coming across, at least five years younger than her actual age. She was squealing constantly at the sight of your presence, once her eyes had roamed and anylysed your body whole. A playful smile decorated her lips just as she was repeating her excited words to be working with a Tribute of District 4.

Apparently her brother was a Peacekeeper stationed in your homeland, always sending her many sea shells, of all sorts of sizes and colours. But what she absolutely loved the most was the thick fragrance of the ocean that never left them. 

“I had to do some last minute changes” Athena said. “Scarlett let me know you were a Healer, and couldn't help myself but change some of the decorum for you, and only you” she later added. 

You coudn’t slip in any words into the conversation. Her lively and energetic persona made her social engine be filled with a never ending fuel, which for her downside, would be in the need to cough from time to time, to fill up her air ways with oxygen. 

You found her endearingly adorable, she was a nice break from the hard hitting reality. She was definitely the type of person you could spend talking, or not, for many hours. Giving you a chance to restore your sanity back into its usual normal. A drop of melancholy splattered to the pit of your belly, you would’ve liked to have met her in different circumstances, although you weren’t sure if that could even happen, being apart by many kilometers of territory, and in between Districts. She was those type of people you’d end up surprising yourself in getting along. And you’d later wonder in those three a.m hours, just how many more people you would have ended up, unexpectedly building up a friendship with, but can’t due to the fact you both are so far away from each other.

It was time to meet back with the Prep Team, and you weren’t prepared for the second most isolating and tense situation you had been in, the first one being the Reaping by far. The Prep Team of Hell, you had titled them, and that was being generous.  

The very first thing they did once you had sat down, was comment about the bruise in your forehead. To be fair, they had already mentioned it earlier when they were exfoliating your skin, asking you as to how it happened in the first place, and many disappointed sighs running after your made up a quick convincing enough excuse.

The moment their focus was on your face, to turn you into a beautiful swan, or how Athena had put it, they were running their mouth at an uncontrollable speed, and there was no sign they seemed to want to hit their brakes. 

“Distusting thing” was their recurring comment. And soon enough it had become a term to refer to your purpuled bruise; like it was a completely separate entity from yourself, like it wasn’t attached to you in that very moment. It wasn’t a great feeling, having someone make not so passive, but very much aggressive remarks about your physical appearance. It made you feel worse because it didn’t come from a personal choice, but it was rather from an accident. Something that was out of your own control, only for them to keep their judgement louder. 

“God, its so dark. Its gonna take ages the get rid off it” the one with especially thick long eyelashes said, while her makeup brush pigmented your face. You looked at yourself in the mirror. Two were on either side of you, taking care of your face to bright it up with vibrant colours, while the other was brushing her fingers through the scalp of your head, readying herself to make the hairstyle she had been ordered to do. 

You were in awe at the sheer magnitude of the so many little vases of skin colours, an even wider range of colours you had to guess were for painting your lips, and, if that was even possible, even more colours in the form of light flowing powder stacked inside transparent thin boxes. 

“I better get a recommendation card to a film studio after this. Cuz, I refuse to put hard extra work into nothing” said the man with curled dark blue hair, his words coming stomping on your face as he was curling up your lashes with black tint.

The ginger with a bob cut, the hairstylist that was finishing up the hair strands that fell onto your shoulders, sneered and made a passing comment. “If one day I woke up with that thing, I’d just stay at home, honestly. No need to embarrass myself like that” 

However in the end everything turned alright, you supposed. It definitely topped your list of most awkward experiences you’d been in so far. It was always tough being in that sort of situation. Having to walk into a room timidly, scared and confused of what’s going to happen to you, only to have three pricks to have something negative to say about you. Even when they didn’t know your on a personal level, they were still against you for whatever reason. 

Once you finally left, you shook your shoulders in an attempt to brush off every single passive aggressive comment, along with their judgmental eyes and sneers that had nothing else smart to contribute further, but to agree with them and their saliva-poison to fill and infest the insecurities you hadn’t thought of to be a problem to begin with.

Maybe it was lowering yourself to their ugly mindset. But the moment the pained hurt from embarrassment made its way to form little prickly tears in your eyes, you reminded yourself that the citizens of the Capitol were nothing but vacant lots, void of any deep emotion. In desperate need to fill their empty hearts with superficial things. Their atacking words may work here, but back in District 4, you knew they would be the laughing stock for having such a mediocre way of thinking while the rest were simply trying to survive. 

However they made you feel was soon going to going to be lost anyway. Trying to catch up to you through the breeze, in desperate anguish as its pointy nails tried to reach back to your mind, just as it started realizing they weren’t going to have a prominent role within the depth of your memories.

Your fingers were slightly holding onto the chariot. Now, you were more confident of letting it slightly go, having positioned your feet and body weight to adapt to the power of the white horses pulling you. 

As soon as it had pulled onto the platform, your feet made a clumsy movement and almost feel out of the nicely decorated white charriot. It was your quick receptive hand that quickly took a hold onto the smooth surface of the cockpit to stabilize yourself, before you would been rather aggressively be flown out a few feet away behind you. Leaving you behind as the show went on accordingly, and they woudn’t have stopped only for your miscalculated thinking. You also thanked Vito for being at your side, his hand wrapped around the back of you waist and took a hold of it. Applying so much force so you would have fallen off, and in the off chance you could’ve hurt yourself… again. 

Your retina reflected back the explosion of colours that engulfed you whole. There were hundreds, no, thousands of expectators of the high society of Panem, properly welcoming you into their home of the Capitol. They were screaming and cheering at the sight of all the Tributes, throwing paper shaped symbols of each District into senseless air currents bursting in different directions. It slowly came back down to your peripheral vision, floating and dancing through the air currents that each carriage made. So small it carried out its second task dutifully, as a means to congratulate this worthy of a celebration day, and to throw away their money on merchandising for this very event in the form of confetti. 

You could have been revolted at this very sight. People with born privilege, so far up their ass to even care about the harm their were causing on other human beings. And its not like you were on a different continents either, so you coudn’t understand as to why the close proximity of the territories coudn’t at the very least fill them up with some sort of empathy. 

But in that very moment, all that putrid feeling disappeared. The gnawing of your heart could only look further at your own surroundings, your scanning eyes curiously looked every single Capitol citizen your passing view could get a hold to. Oddly, there was something so fulfilling about the way they were welcoming you, something that left you stunned and almnost petrified. You were like a little kid, going to its annual town fair for the very first time, curiously wanting to see everything they had to offer, from rollercoaster attractions to winning prize stands. You were simply an awe, every frequenting solemn thought disappeared in that moment, and you internalized that moment of pretty colours around you. At the very least, you weren’t in your depressed form, and you wanted to distract yourself further, even if it was for a little bit. You wanted to remember this scene, even if they were going to only be bite sized memories. 

Vito squeezed your hand suddenly to gain your attention. He moved his head, a gesture to point at the several screens, that laid hanging at the high ceiling. They were were in paralleled pairs, and some rows behind them that followed that exact pattern, each one for a Districts Tribute and their partner. You saw Vito through the monitor, him looking down at you. And the screen beside it was you, or a version you coudn’t recognize of yourself. 

You could only see the portrait of you, but that was sufficient to note on the magnificent work the Prep Team of Hell had done to you. Even when you didn’t want to admit it after their unlikeble attitude, you understood why they had been picked to style you for this grand event. 

They had successfully gotten rid of the purple bruise without leavin traces behind it, impossible to see that you might have had it to begin with. They placed longer lashes on your eyes, however it wasn't exaggerated like the Capitol’s beauty standards. It made the the corner of your eyes seem similar of the wings of a dove. Your lips had been painted white, with a slight tint of blue powder mixed with one of a golden sun. 

The hairstylist hadn’t failed either. The many strands of hair were all wrapped up in beautiful knotted updo, leaving you with a clear face everyone was able to see. In addition, to give you a more pure outlook, many hand made chrysanthemum flowers pierced through your strands like hair pins. There were many flowers stems there, so much so it was like a bouquet a the purest white of the chrysanthemum, that was neatly placed by the nape of your head. Some of the petals were flying away into the wind from the force, but it created an interesting look on you, like a girl who was wearing the wings of freedom, like a girl who tamed the oceanic winds of District 4.

You looked back at Vito. He gave you a small reassuring smile, before speaking some words you weren’t able to hear by the loud of the immense optimistic crowd. He repeated again, coming closer to you. You took that moment to see his moving lips, trying to read off what he wanted to say to you. You managed in one word, and you only needed that to understand the plan he wanted to share with you. “Sponsors”

You gave a determined pointed look. Tangling further your fingers into his, finding a comfortable pose before you showed your hands for the world to see. A demonstration of both of your corageous hearts, a witten meaning that the both of you woudn’t back down without a fight. The sneaky smile appeared on both and your faces through the big monitors, earning you the desired outcome of the cheers that had become joyful screams of praise and encouragement. 

This year, District 4 woudn’t miss the triumphal proud looks of the fighters, the recurring yearly message that you’d gladly participate in the hard stones of the arena without a hint of fear in your eyes. This was for display of course, but you woudn’t feel guilty about lying your true crumbling emotions. You were still trying to figure out if they really believed anything that you’d give them; but it didn’t matter, in the end all they wanted to see was your performance, and to make them forget about their empty souls. And you heard their silent plea, the show must go on. 

Vito tilted his head to look up at the screen that was live streaming across each forgotten corner of Panem. He knew his dad would be looking at him through the television of the plaza. He gave a smirk at him, not from playfulness, with a much pessimistic context and background roaming on his head.

“Is this what you wanted?” was the thought that came across his mind. He wished he could see his father, he hoped at the very least he’d be smiling at him proudly. After many years of his usual scowl directly at him, for Vito’s expressed disinterest for the Games. He at the very least hoped his dad would be looking at him proudly. Because this was all that he could provide in return for their familial pride. 

You on the other hand, hadn’t taken notice of his sour mood. You looked at the screen again, instead of the closeup pictures of both of your faces, they were displaying the heart-warming act of delighted ilusion that the both showed with proud perception. 

An idea popped in your head, if they wanted this you supposed a little flirty action coudn’t hurt. You looked up ahead, just where President Snow’s figure was increasingly becoming bigger and more clearer. 

With a shy smile, you placed the tip of your cold fingers by the base of your lips. With a swift movement you gave a small peck, and through your hand, you gave the Capitol the little present of your actions. The corners of your lips increased cheekily hearing the roar of the crowd, the blowing of you kiss curated their hyper consumistic heart, filling them up with another type of love that superficial wants coudn’t satiate. Even if it didn’t come from a place of genuine love, they still felt satisfactory with nothing else other than playful desire.

Both of your’s and Vitos attire matched each other, even when the two had distinct changes between them. It made sense, what the stylists were looking for, at least the ones assigned for your District. Your gown was that of the colours that reminded you of your home. A corset-like top squeezed your lungs tightly, leaving the lines of your breast more squashed and with that lovely round form, the rest of your chest was exposed, showing off the attractive images of your free neck and arms. Although your arms weren’t totally naked, they had a piece of clothing attached to your tricep, in a golden bracelet. The long solitary pieces of cloth waved down in a zigzag pattern, the length running down to meet at the distance of your shoes, that laid hidden away from your skirt. It was laced and finished with a golden thread, giving it a more luxurious outlook.

Your skirt was the eye catching essence of your dress. Upon many light layers of clothing, it smartly casted darker shadows of blue by the bottom of the dress. The top, where the beginning of the skirt hugged the bottom arch of your waist, was more of a shiny sky blue. Like the visual representation of the sea levels, from the shiniest to the darkest of the sea bed. 

The uneven layers were light, so much so it flied with the wind that caused the carriage, moving and floating through the air, almost like signalling the upcoming waves of an incoming tempest. 

Your form was trapped within, like some sort of sea ententy that had resurcaed from the unforgiving sea lands, all coverend in specks of blue like dripping water was what that engulfed your form. 

An added item that coudn’t come uncouted for was the little transparent wings stuck out from both you and Vito’s back. Making a direct representation, not only for the fishing industry that Disctrit 4 exhaled at, but also for it exotic fishes that came through the summer. The wings were exactly the same as the exocetids, or better known at the flying fish of the sea. 

Just like the hair decorum, your dress was filled with that of chrysanthemum flowers, the flowing petals were being carried away by the currents, and the festive confetti. The smell resulted so familiar as you thought Athena’s earlier words, “last minute changes”. You smiled at the memory, chrysanthemum were known to have many healing properties, so much so it seemed your clients had grown dependent of Edna’s recipe. It was used to fight back many daily pains, such as dizziness and headaches; fever and colds for the fishermen who stayed until late at night under the starry sea night sky. It was even used to treat the beginning of complex diseases such as chest pains from angina, high blood pressure that was starting to become chronic, as well as Type 2 Diabetes. She had hit the jackpot. 

Vito’s suit was similar in colour coordination. A button up shirt from a light blue, to his trousers that had gradually become darker as navy blue. Although he experienced other differences, by his neck hanged a rope that hanged down to attach itself to the white corset holding onto his waist. The rope was that of a thin brown colour, wrapping itself in braids of knots the experienced fishermen of District 4 would not struggled to accomplish. 

That was your separating factor. Athena along Vito’s stylist decided to make a more unique overall look from the other Tributes, because their designes weren’t just the representation of your homeland, but also a brief display at both of your roles in town. That change of philosophy is what made you two rise into a more higher position along the likeability of the sponsors. Because you weren’t just Tributes from District 4, you both were more than that, not just annual sacrifices, but rather normal people with emotions, hopes and fears. And that simple change made the higherups feel closer to you on a personal level. 

You were baring your teeth out into the biggest smile you could muster, the one you had trained yourself to seem friendly for the clientele of the apothecary shop. One that you had perfected it so it would be convincing enough within the barrier of stranger to stranger relationship. 

And soon enough, you were glad both of your focus had disappeared. And for a moment a drizzle prickled down cold drops to your heart, but you quickly took care of it, and ignored it altogether. 

You were only left greedy because you never had that much attention to begin with. So before you went out to seek for it, you’d shut it down as a simple momentary want, and not an important necessity.  

“Welcome” started President Snow at the altar, his pragmatic way of speaking, very much trained to voice at any given moment. You coudn’t quite see him, being so far up, and you found yourself not being able to see clearly his features, and especially not the pin of the white rose that was stuck to his chest, like it was some sort of national emblem of Panem.

“Tributes, we welcome you”

“We salute your courage and your sacrifice” he followed his speech. And just as if he just proclaimed his sudden change of the current systematic oppression, like he had just announced he’d donate and free Panem from hunger and thirst, as well as unchain the District's handcuffs to the Capitol. The crowd of many coloured important guest, shouted in joyful fun at the devastating words you had to obligate yourself but slowly reconcile with them within the short time span of your Reaping. 

You looked at Vito, and he slowly moved his gaze to meet yours. You silently agreed with each other. Maybe the two of you should have shared that nauseating thought, disgusted from the their putrid smell that came from their rotten mind. The both of you were slowly getting used to that though. But rather, his irises spoke the poem of a standing family waiting for their little soldier to come back home from war, and yours sang a ballad of a goner that still held onto that thread of hope, even when she had lost everything.

“And we wish you-” Snow’s words echoed through the Parade's hallway in the absence of silence, that the Capitol seemed to quiet down once their leader wanted add a few more words in. 

Coryolanus Snow smiled at his audience, that awaited patiently at his next words. He looked at at the Tributes, and you swore he lingered his eye contact on your eyes for far longer than he should’ve.

“Happy hunger Games” the burst of his voice resonated the way a bigger smile quirked the corners of his mouth, not from delight, but finding great pleasure of his unnerving malicious intent from the creation of the Hunger Games. Resentment was only a piece of the puzzle of the great painting behind his reasoning of the death scheme. He wouldn’t compromise with anyone who pointed his way of thinking as simple bitterness or indignation, he was never the type to act when his emotions were still burning bright in its aggressive nature. But rather internally boasted himself in the way he had a more cold calculated view of his plans, like the forming icicles inside the deep maze-like subterranean icy caves. Or more accurately, like the slow snowflakes within the stilled night of a neverending forest. Frosting even the most savages of wild animal that lurked around the shadows in an attempt to hunt down their next prey. 

“And may the odds be ever in your favor”

“In two weeks, twenty three of you will be dead.” spoke your trainer. All the chosen Tributes were lined up and facing her, paying close attention to the words of Linnen. Well, that’s encouraging…

It still made you rather uncomfortable, seeing the big sized differences between each Tribute, especially at the sight of a little brunette with messy waves tied in paired braids. Her face had nothing else but the knowledge that her sweet innocence would soon be taken away in the most horrifying way. She coudn’t have been more than twelve, and you supposed she had been unfortunate enough to being picked in her first Reaping. 

“One of you will be alive.” You listened further to her, trying to take in as much information to may be of use in the Arena, for when Vito would need it. You didn’t have much skills to be of use out there, so you might as well try and help with anything you could.

The clear black skin of Linnen shone with the artificial lights hanging loosely above the all of you, like the shimmering stars against the beautiful starry night sky. 

“Who that is, depends on how well you pay attention over the next four days, particularly with what I’m about to say.” Her monotone voice gave away the practiced lines of the repeated times she had said the same words, and you wondered just how many years has she been the teacher of the Training grounds. That thought followed another, just how many people had she known and possibly witnessed, that now are already dead from past Hunger Games? Her dull stare gave you a good enough anwer. It seemed she had conditioned herself, so the deaths woudn’t eat away her soul. She had seen many undeserving people die there, even more so she had seen a large quantity of children succumbing to their wounds from a feral Career Tribute. “Too many” is what the unignited fires of her charcoal eyes said.  

“First, no fighting with the other Tributes” Linnen further explained the rules, whilst she stalked each one of your eyes. Like an intimidation tactic to give her subordinates the careful respect she was rightfully owed from all of you. Seemed easy enough.

“You’ll have plenty of time for that in the Arena” your amused thought was cut short after that threatening comment. You gulped down thick saliva, just as one of the many avalanches pressured your mind, the noises of crumbling rocks hitting each other too loud in your ears, but completely silet to the rest of the people surrounding you. You had to calm yourself before you’d slowly become insane from the fictional sounds your brain binded you to hear. They weren’t real, and still, since the train ride to the Capitol, it seemed that was everything you were hearing. 

“There are four compulsory exercises. The rest will be individual training” Vito’s hand snaked to grab your writhing wrist, already feeling the overwhelmed electrifying vibe that you were expulsing through your tiny pores. His hand was warm, and with that, the affectionate drawing of circles from his ticklish fingers by the lines of your veins comforted you slightly. He was in a way, trying to pay you back from what you had done to him two days ago. To be the strong stilling pillar and grab your form, holding onto you so you’d be able to stand on your own two feet without falling over, and driving yourself further away from your sanity.

You let him reassure you, as some invading thoughts swam across your mind. Maybe this wasn’t so bad, you’d started understanding the phycology of a human’s touch, and although a part of you still recoiled at the closeness, you let him be. It was time you changed your bad habits, especially now when you were going to die soon anyway, might as well make it easier for the rest that had to endure you. 

“My advice is, don’t ignore the survival skills” Linnen walked over closer to you, looking at every single Tribute one on one, crashing her eyes on Vito’s before she noticed your timid irises. She stayed for a moment before leaving, and just then, it was like an emotion that wasn’t scripted flashed her eyes. Like she felt bad about you. The very same emotion she had for many other Tributes that fell under the Grim Reaper’s grasp. 

“Everybody wants to grab a sword, but most of you will die from natural causes.” She rolled her eyes away from you, before she’d hurt herself again, once you’d die by the hands of an unmerciful vitcor. Her eyes followed back to the rest of the line, with her monotone eyes appearing again, trained to be void of any sympathy. 

You noticed the stare of someone else on you, a boy, but from his physique you should be referring him as a man due to his much bigger body, than many of the other Tributes. 

He looked very much like Philip, Emi’s older brother back in the Reaping. He was a blonde, dark brown eyes just like the wood of immense oak trees, planted powerfully in the middle of a valley, just near a mesmerazing lake.

You thought he had to be the male Tribute of District 2, if you remembered correctly. Just like how you found Emi’s endearing freckles to be the cutest trait of her face, you though the same for the man’s creeping eyes face sparkles. And that was it. Because the way his very eyes you complimmented on your mind, were locked on yours like a predator, even after giving you a knowing squint after you had demonstrated you had noticed his perforating stare on you. The blonde was taking in your presence, scanning you whole trying to find your weaks points. Which by the way his stare had a drops of cockiness swriling around his irises, you knew he was thinking of the many way to attack you, that you were an easy target to kill.

He was wearing a scowl, but his sight screamed in animalistic determination that threatened your livelihood among many other menacing warnings. You knew you were doomed, and you had to wonder just how did you end up becoming the target before the training even commenced. You justified the fear you had the day before, because he had properly marked you as his prey, and you’d be wary of your hunter. 

 “10% from infection, 20% from dehydration,” Linnen brought out the statistics, and you obligated yourself to look at her, whilst trying to ignore his tormenting stare. 

You found yourself dismayed at the high mortality rate of the natural causes, which your quick mind went on and think this new piece of information over.

Considering the Arena was out there to kill you, you could come up with significant ways the participants of this death game would go through and make many wrong mistakes over the coarse of the days trapped inside. Mortal-like mistakes. So following by what Linnen had said, that could also mean the were chances of injuring yourself by weathering factors, like perhaps that of aggressive thunder storms, or territorial fires. You woudn’t be surprised if they somehow managed to submerge the Arena underwater just to create a nice show.  

“Exposure can kill as easily as a knife.” Her passing comment stuck to you like a needle. Maybe you should use that to your advantage, maybe your could protect Vito that way. You didn’t have many skills, but you still had interesting cards under your sleeve that could come in handy if the right situation presented itself.

But for now it was best to stay low, to let the blonde and whoever else whose arrogance clouded their eyes to see you as weak and fragile as a porcelain doll, which frankly you were. But you could play a sneaky card in outsmarting them. That was your best bet now anyway.

-

The first day was uneventful, aside from the stare off of the blonde, that you’d later on you found his name to be Birch. The remainder of the day he had been trying his intimidation tactic on you, but his brilliant plan after many hours being of confined in the same breathing space, was starting to fail its initial effects it had on you. You simply grew used to it, and soon enough, it left you with an annoyed feeling from his creeping eyes. It was due to the fact that he coudn’t exercise his inner desires now, that the presence of the Peacekeeperes was present at all times, to keep Tributes from starting fights with each other.   

Just like a lost puppy, you followed whatever you thought that could take care of you, and that was Vito’s broad muscular body silhouette. The both of you were standing by an exposed wall, full of thinly sharpened weapons that could easily sever you finger away if you weren’t careful enough while toying with them. 

Vito didn’t wait, and quickly chose his prefered choice of weaponry. It was among the many axes and long swords, choices that were only provocative to a murderous arrogant’s  perspective. Vito, against his big built, wilded the handle of two hunting knives. Its design quickly gave away as to which animal it was targeted to, with a bear pawprint at the base of the newly sharpened small weapon in comparison. .  

“Knives?” you voiced. Vito didn’t seem to mind your clinging company on him, in fact he preferred having you stick my his side. He didn’t want you making yourself the target of many more Tributes unnatural thirst of violence that they so longly craved. He’d seen just how Birch was looking at you, and that only grew his protectiveness over you. He made a promise to you, and that simple act weighed him down with the context behind your deal, and he refused to break that bond that had created from your mutual agreement. 

But he also felt at ease being in your presence, everyone else was a total stranger to him. So having the kindness your heart beside him was enough to calm his unnerving nervousness, even if it was just slightly.

“Yes, my dad drilled my head that this would be my best bet when out in the wild” he spoke to you. The heaviness from the knives would have been noticeable on untrained hands, such as yourself, but for Vito it was as light as a feathers ticklish touch. 

“They’re small, light and easy to handle” he informed you with so much ease, with so much knowledge that was so unknown to you. Your eyes roamed to the drawing design of it. It was long, and thicker in width than normal kitchen knives. They were from shiny drak greys that could be also considered as the black tones from the void. It had a sharp line that run along the first three quarters of the dangerous cutting edge, finishing its race with little scooped oddly round shapes, and you supposed it was to make cutting up pieces of meat easier, as revolting as that sounded. 

“Huh… Could you teach me?” you had asked of him, but you already knew his answer. He smiled softly at you, his tanned skin from the hard labour he had unfairly been subjected to, only to be later picked in the Reaping, was made beautiful under the dull artificial lights. “Gladly” he chuckled. 

-

Day three, and you were just starting to get used to the garnet room placed just above the training grounds. It was always filled with many people, old men were the ones in the great majority. Their suit spoke their importance of the Capitol, with an uniformal-like attire that the only thing that was made similar between them, was the repeated pattern of the same boysenberry colour. 

The different elegant cocktail vases, from the ones with conelike shapes, as well as some having a taller design that recreated the form of a lifting tower; was a hint on itself of the many riches that were tucked under their first class shirts.

Purple was the colour of royalty, especially ones that reached darker tones. Bringing all the pieces together, you thought you had enough circumstantial evidence to point a finger at them, and proclaim them as your possible sponsors. Probably on the look for the Tribute they wanted to place their bet on, in the form of bottles of water or candy bars ou in the Arena.

You had left Vito’s side for a moment. Making your way to approach another Tribute, trying to come up in a friendly manner. You hadn’t thought this through, it was as if your mind had turned into a spider and altered you of your surroundings, and before you knew it, you were quietly stalking to meet a total stranger, a towel and an axe in your hands. Just then you bitterly appreciated the weight of the doubles blades that Vito was teaching you to maneuver. You thought they were weighty from their solid and dense material, but you soon realized the weight came from the heavy burden you’d have to place on your self if you were in the need to use it to puncture someone’s lungs with it. 

The fall was maybe eight feet from the unhelpful loops. Somehow he was able to gather up on his own, and dragged himself away into a solitary chair. The doctor in you made a quick calculation and got everything you needed to do to patch him up. You fully worked from the deep of your subconscious self, by the looks of it, all your healing expertise was in an eternal switched on conductor, making your movements more automatic, and without worrying that you might forget the knowledge of the books you had read oh so many times. 

He looked at you, indecisive of your actions, with reasonable doubt across his features, you supposed. He made a quick question with his gaze, starting off with Who the hell were you? And What do you want?

His agitated gaze stopped you slightly. Bringing your usual self out, one with many fears and doubts clouding your mind. That was enough to paint all your actions with insecurity, and it made you feel that maybe what you were doing was inadequate in these types of situations. 

You gaze rolled to the floor, where his leg stood. And that was enough to bring your robotic self back functioning. By his feet laid a picture you had encountered so many times you had stopped counting at the large quantity, which meant you had a lot of experience in dealing with these injuries. You hissed at the view of the forming swollen feet, getting increasingly bigger and redder. A sign that something bad was definitely going on.

“Looks like your ankle is sprained. You should rest it for a while” You comment on his current physical restraint. He rose his eyebrow at you, as if you had just mocked him. Which later it would be revealed that you were right after he scoffed at what you had said. 

“I’m fi-” His good leg was the pillar that helped him up, putting much more force, and overexerting it with his muscles. The bold escape he tried to do had failed by your presence and doctoral disapproval. You cut him off.

“I said. You should rest it.” You repeated in pure annoyance from the oh so many experiences of having to deal with men’s irritable stubborness when it came to physical injuries. It was still a mystery to as to why they coudn’t just let you heal them, afterall you were a doctor, its not like you’ll make it worse. And you were dismayed at countless times injured fishermen came running with truly untolarable pain; pain that could have been easily avoided if they had just listened to you to begin with.

It wasn’t the best remedy, but it was the best you could do for now. The axe your hand held was frosten cold to the touch, since the metallic material was a especially good conductor of cold. All the weapons that were hunged in the exhibitor, one with advanced technology it expelled freezing air, as cold as freezing point achieved. 

You wrapped the towel around the cold weapon as not to cause harm to the boy, from chilling arched sharp edge. 

You managed the makeshift icepack, at least whatever your attempt in doing one was, and handed it to him, so he could apply it however comfortably he wanted, to stop or at the very least, slow down the swelling from the inflammed area. 

A look of disbelief, one with a drop of distrust was swimming across his grey irises. Your hand was starting to get heavy, with the axe hanging from it. Because he still didn’t give the hint he was going to grab the item.

Your knees felt the surface of the smooth floor, momentarily resentful he made you crawl down so you had to be his caregiver for the next few minutes. You sighed in annoyenace, but the irritation that was pinned by the pit of your stomach wasn’t enough for you to stop your actions, and in fact you proceed further.

The nice cold left the male with a hitched breath from the electric spark that began from the initial contact. Like an odd fire was placed on his inflamed ankle. You had taken note of the way his breathing calmed down after the nice relieving feeling kicked in, so cold it sedated his pained body from further damage. 

The boy whose number was printed on his back was that of District 7, looked up at you again. Embarrassment and a feeling you knew very well, he was also a victim of isolation, like the both of you were trapped in an isle of flightless birds; it left him voiceless. You didn’t mind him though, already sympathetic over him. 

“Leave it like that for half an hour, you should be fine after that.” You advised him, and you only hoped he would listen to you, unlike the many fishermen that came crawling back with an amused smile at seeing your scowled expression. 

His fingers walked to his ankle, and he took the newly homemade shabby icepack, if you could even call that.

“Why?” He asked, looking up at you, genuinely wondering where did that merciful act originate from. 

“Becasue I’m a doctor. That’s what doctors do, right? Heal people” You returned his gaze, a small smile decorating your lips in reassurance. His doubts about your true intentions clouded his mind, and only left him with a closed tight lipped line.

The untrusting pupils of his, filled you with nervous awkwardness, washing your mind blank, unable to say anything. When your next words came out, you cursed at yourself from the robotic way it sounded. 

“My name is Y/N. What’s yours?”

“I’m Carter” His monotone voice only rewired your brain more. The cells of your brain were desperately trying to know where your social cable connected to, and you were left standing there as you mind coudn’t grasp at the simple concept of human communication, all because of the awkwardness you accidentally obligated your brain to experience. 

“Nice to meet you.” You said with a weird smile appearing on your face. One with tense edges that created a tight feeling at the corner of your mouth, from your nervousness.

“I’ll see you around then…” You continued, trying to end this conversation and go back to the only familiar thing in the training ground, Vito’s presence and protective body.

However, you jolted up at a yet another sudden thought, and you hoped the comment hadn’t come across in bad taste. All the while, your thought process run miles, screaming at you to leave this despairing situation in that very instant. 

“But, hopefully not in the Arena. Lets not see each other in the Arena” Carter quirked up his eyebrow, amused by that random comment. The corners of his mouth slightly twisted up, only so slightly if you hadn’t been scanning his face you wound’t have noticed.

And then, silence. Eternal disturbing silence filled every gap and hole of your body. Right then you understood the meaning behind phobias. You hand an irrational fear of being trapped in this types of situation, and you wanted to leave inmediately. 

“Gotta go now. Bye then!” you practically escaped the scene the best you could. Walking over to Vito who was trying not to let his laughter be known to you, however his contorting expression was betraying him. 

That only filled your body whole with flustered embarrassment, so you went on and bark back words for him to shut up. Making yet another mental note to never be in this types of situations again. Because you weren’t sure if you’d be able to survive it next time. 

You were in the sight of the meticulous buildings, all in many shapes and sizes, and although it came across as odd to you, not quite what you’ve been used to from the trapped years in your town, you could still find the charm behind them. From spheres to tall pointy towers that scraped the clouds, even with your dislike for the Capitol, you had to admit that was sight worth remembering. 

You huffed air out. It seemed that the most important buildings here were the highest ones, standing gloriously and looking down at the rest, an on point reflection from the human behaviour throughout Panem. The Capitol being the highest ones, deciding play the big almighty entity, and you were merely an ant sized building for them. 

The luxurious spacious complex you were staying at, spoke in bold letters about its high-ranking prestige. Its sole marketing brand was directed at the citizens from the Capitol, often boasting about thie yearly contract they had with the trownhall. To use their residential services for the Tributes of the Hunger Games; and of course, in this capitalistic society, they doubled the prizes for the rooms that the victors had stayed in, and tripled for those who were well-liked among the city, such as your mentor Finnick Odair.

It was chilly outside, as cold as it should be when you were far up into the sky. There were many colours visible from the buildings, but the purple and magenta of a certain smaller structure was what caught your eye. You supposed it was some sort of promotion for this young and upcoming singer. The lines of her skin were that of a pinkish purple of a neon effect. Her hair was noticeably just been under the influence of her personal Prep Team, as her luscious short electric blue hair had just been straightened, into a nice and smooth cut. They had given her dark purple contact lenses, something that contrasted the edited purplish lines of her skin. 

She was dancing, swinging her hips from side to side with a flirty wink among her features. Just by the way of the costume design had prepared for her musical promotion, you knew who her target audience was from get go. A light pink dress hugged her body tightly, so short you were able to see her underwear, from the few scenes when the film director thought it would enhance popularity with that of the tilted camera angle from a lower perspective. It didn’t come from an improvised thought process from a sudden new creative view for the video, but rather it had been planned all along. You knew that, when you saw her underwear with the very same celestial electric blue, the same colour as her eye catching hair, to aesthetically match each other.

In the background played an upbeat song, and the short verses she was was willing to show upfront revealed her cute voice. It increasingly disturbed you further, the way her playful child-like attitude in front of the camera.

With a young appearance, you could guess she could be eighteen. That specific age, because you refused to believe she was a minor and her marketing team thought it would be best for sales for her to expose herself like this to the world; with a personality the very much of the oversexualized idea that creeps had imagined that of young, playful and lively girls. Makes me want to vomit. 

You looked away, the uncomfortable feeling crawling up your back, creeping its every steps on 

every bone of your vertebral column. Little tiny pest insects running around, and hinding in the gaps of your joints. You shook your shoulders, trying to get rid of the feeling just as the hair of your back got pointy alerted you of any incoming threat. 

The trembling pupils of your eyes roamed through the city. The isolation had stubbornly taken over your mind, the same feelings of emptiness forming bigger gaps of void in the pit of your stomach. 

At least the noises of the night ambience filled that pit, it seemed like a long well, shrouded in darkness and creaking monsters. The moving cars, only to disappear soon after,  was made peaceful in your soul, their drifting sounds very much smooth an quiet, something that you absolutely needed.

Again, her memory came running back to you. This past days, she was everything you could think of, your dead teacher, the owner of the Herbal Shop, the one you had considered as your grandmother. Edna filled your mind ever since her death one year ago, and her passing only left you lonelier. 

Edna was terrified of the idea you'd be picked in the Reaping, you were at least glad she didn’t have to experience that level of distress anymore. She already had a long sorrowful life, and it seemed fate had different path for the both of us. They wanted her last remaining years to be alive and well, and you coudn’t escape the written decision of your early death. You supposed then that’s why they had taken her last breath that early, so you could carry out your last living task.

“Cruel and cold” The huff of your breath left the words to be just above a weak whisper. The memory of Edna always followed back to your childhood, the little shards of memories inside the depth of your mind. 

You had been adopted by Edna, and she never failed to remind you the day you had been found by at the beach, screaming and crying like a crazy banshee, she always said. You coudn’t bring that piece of nostalgia back to your head, and especially not the memories from further back of your first family, and what might have happened to them. The first room of your house of memories started with Edna, just as if she was part from your biological family, like she was the family that was meant to be yours.  

“Like the winds of the sea” It seemed like the city liked the song you started to play. The noises slowly quieted down into nothing but low whistles of the cold breeze surrounded the prison tower you were staying in. It seemed the Capitol liked the lullaby of District 4.

“Will you ever return to me?” You huskily sang, and it definitely seemed like a murmur. 

You may be a good doctor, all thanks to Edna, but you weren’t given the doting lovely skill of having a beautiful voice, and especially not to sing in front of a crowd. But it was enough for yourself, as a way to reassure your mental stability back in check.

This is was what your boss sang to you to calm away your senses, and to let your mind drift away from the thought of the imaginary monsters that didn’t lurked in the shadows. That you were safe under her very care, and nothing bad would ever happen to you.

“Hear my voice, sing with the tides; My love will never die. Ten long years, I've waited to go by; My love will never die. Come my love, be one with the sea. Stay with me for all eternity. Play the song, you’ve sang all those years ago; and wherever, the storm may blow, you will find the key to my heart. We’ll never be apart. In your sealed fate, my love will never end.” 

The lullaby follows the story of the lovesick siren. It starts when a woman who awaits for her lover, after he embarks on a journey and bring back a treasure so they could enjoy the delicious riches until the end of their lives. 

Everyday, the woman waits for him to come back by the shoreline. She slowly goes closer to the ocean, until her legs have been covered with nothing but the saty water the sea. And for the next ten years, she sings a song for her lover to come back home safe.

The story follows when the oceans heart breaks apart after listening to the woman’s sorrowful broken voice, and takes pity on her prolonged pain. The sea foam turned her legs into a siren tail, granting her wish for her to embarc on her journey to find her true love.

That’s how it ends, with an open good enough ending for the children's telltale imagination. A fable to teach the younglings the importance of loving devotion and eternal patience.

But of course, Edna wasn’t like the doting parent from the many families of your District. 

Edna was convinced that the siren did eventually find her lover. He was floating through the oceanic currents, drowned and in his skeletal shape from the many years he had been submerged underwater. She always insisted it was a ballad of losing the one you love, a lesson what the sudden loss of someone can do to one’s psychology, to always be prepared to never see your loved one again. Because if you don’t, you’ll make process of your mind’s deterioration.

The memory woke something in your thought process. It was like Edna was trying to give you a heads up from the very beginning of your mother and daughter relationship. Like she knew this could happen to you, and she was trying to implant in an invisible seed in the soil of your mind, about her eventual death. 

“My mother used to sing that me when I was a child” The incoming voice of a male jolted your muscles. You were so deep in your head, his sudden presence earned you a quick jump from the little heart attack he had given you. 

You looked at him, the man in his full glorious persona, Finnick Odair had made himself aware in your presence. 

All his features were darkened by the night sky, creating sharp shadows on his cheeks and eyes. The look on your face said the words you didn’t dare to say to him, because they originated form of a curse. It wasn’t something personal, although it was starting be. You just coudn’t understand as to how something like hard shadows, things that make your face not be as delightful to see, still made him be in usual Thunderous God form. You truly just coudn’t comprehend how much God or whatever entity liked him so much, they made him to always stay this beautiful in every passing second. It was like he repelled all the attacks that targeted his beauty, like he been given a shady an anti-unattractive potion and somehow it worked. You made a mental note, to ask him just where did he find that antidote, because you definitely wanted it. 

You didn’t say anything, biting your tongue so you inner thoughts wouldn’t spill out accidentally. He got beside you, and formed the same corporal position as you. His elbows tapped against the railing, and his eyes looked at the neon light show that the night city provided the two of you. He was showing you his profile, the view of his sharp jaw, with the shape of his curled blonde hair was truly as sight to behold. Without mentioning the bubble of his Adam’s Apple sticking out, which made you feel certain things you could only but hide from the world, and you would definitely not tell him the things his physical appearance was making you feel.  

“Although, it wasn’t exactly the same” He continued. You were glad he hadn’t bothered to see your face, because it definitely was a piece of art that would amuse him and further and grow his cockiness. You weren’t sure when you were just taking in his features, but his ethereal face had a lot of information you simply needed to take a moment and appreciate. And soon, your mouth opened agape, an expression that only showed true disbelief from the work sculpture, you knew the artist filled inspiration stemmed from nothing else other than great desire.

You recomposed yourself, looking away from him. He had noticed your stare on him, and to that he brought a smug smile to his lips. He had gotten used to it, the very gaze on incredulity many people had given him, asking the very same question you were thinking.

“There’s like, a million versions of this songs. Seems fitting we wouldn't have listened the same one” You responded. You considered his welcoming tactic as a blinding attack, a sneaky move to leave you vulnerable and lost. You needed to focus again. It was incredible just how this man was able to change your gloomy state, only to make a three sixty, and almost make your heart jolt out of your chest. Get. Your. Shit. Together. 

“Yeah… This one’s not exactly child appropriate” He mused, the raspiness of his voice increasingly getting stronger and thicker at the base of your ear drums. It was increasingly harder just having to act nonchalant when the man was a powerful weapon against you.

“Edna was never exactly ‘Child Aproppiate’ to begin with” You went on. The bone of your back started to make little-not-rights, the last warning that it was going to start hurting soon. You straightened up, stretching your back as much as you could, only to later lean against the railing. 

“Especially when it came to raising me. She didn’t want me to have a wrong perception of reality” You guessed, already done from the countless times you had tried to come up with an answer, as to why Edna had chosen such a particular way of parenting. 

“Sounds lovely” Finnick added sarcastically, which earned you a breathless giggle. There was silence again. The brezee flied through the hair of the both of you. Swirling over his curls only to whisk through yours. The breeze hit your shoulder, and you internally whined for not bringing a jacket with you under the nightly weather.

Finnick simply looked out on the whereabout of the city, but he didn’t take in the scenery, too opreoccupied to make up the thoughts that swirled his mind. The words he had convinced himself to come and tell you personally. 

“Heard you helped the boy from Tribute 7” He started after a long pause neither of your wanted to break away, that was until Finnick’s mind wrapped itself up. He looked up at you. The breeze affected his nose, as it slowly started to turn red, giving him a more endearing look, if that was even possible.

“You’re a good person for that” He added.

“I’m not a good person” You debated. The tone of your voice as cold as the tight lipped scowl that was forming in your face. You didn’t look back at the man that created explosive emotions inside you, especially after you could barely remember bits and pieces of him carrying to your room while wasted. Memories that were hard to forget.

“No. You definitely are” He counter argued. Which only left you to slowly blink your eyes in annoyance. You coudn’t see the spark of determination that electrified his green eyes, and he knew it would take a lot more than that to convince him otherwise.

“And why is that? If you don’t mind me asking” You asked, recomposing you shoulders once again. Your eyes slowly found his, and the fiery want to be right was cutting away shards of your energy. You internally sighed again. Men…

“By this point, most Tributes are wary of each other. So when someone gets injured before the Games start, its gives everyone else an advantage” His sweet voice filled with the sugar of the fruits and honey, dancing around in the air as if trying to mock you, from the delicious and addicting contents you knew if you took the bait, you would fall under its spell and grow dependant on it.

You quirked an eyebrow upwards, in pure dumbfoundedness. 

“That just means I’m dumb” You plainly said, the tone of your voice like and that of an ice stone. 

“Maybe. But I think its because you’re a good person” He gave you an fake innocent look. He really was just going to go on about this, and you were too exhausted to entertain his banter further. He was really going to get under your skin. 

You sighed in the absence of noise between the two of you. He was still looking a you, a smirk slowly coming up his features as a triumphal look sat across his eyes. Your silence indicated to him that you were waving that white flag in surrender, which meant he’d won.

“Has anyone told you just how annoying you can be?” You filled in the air the both of you breathed in. The energy of your frustration very present in Finnick’s ears. 

“Only when I’ve made my mind up” He winked. That flirty comment from the context behind his persistence. Not only did it not work, but it left you with a stoned expression. 

“Whatever you say, King” You sighed. 

You chuckled through the air, in the end you coudn’t help but find the situation light hearted. Finnick felt the pureness of the feathers surrounding you from, your genuine laughter. Nothing stained that, cleaned from any trace of dread or agitation you’d been feeling the past few days. His eyes locked on your closed ones, taking you in and drawing a pretty portrait of youserlf in the back of his mind. His gaze turned fondly at the look oof your tender expression, it was hard for him not to think of you as anything but amusing. 

Upon noticing his stare down, you returned the sentimental look you were receiving. A bright smile revealing your baring white teeth. Another husky breeze flowed around you, unable to consider the both of you as challenges on the road; and with the icy breeze, your noise left to join in its adventurous journey. 

And soon you spoke again, your eyes fixated on a skyscraper with golden lights. 

“Who could’ve thought the Capitol’s Darling could be so painfully persistent…” You talked to yourself, a small smile lingering under the little city lights. That from Finnick’s perspective, found you to be like an untouchable illusion.

“Who could’ve thought District 4’s Doc could’ve had such a pretty smile” He made the flirtatious remark, and he surprised himself when you moved your head and displayed a playful smile, whilst giving him a knowing look. He hadn’t realized he had said it out loud, and he looked away from you. A shy smile forming after a huffed breath. The lines of his refreshing smile, you thought, was one the things you were surprised, but welcomed the feeling of longing and want, for you to be able to see it again. 

“Okay-” you snorted, still in your chuckled trance. You opened your mouth again, to retort back something sarcastic about his flirty personality. But another voice interrupted the both of your livelihood. Vito had called your names, shouting something about dinner. 

Your hand reached to tap his shoulder. The touch very much welcomed with the warmth of his skin. Your pumping heart received that homely information, and sent away the blood leaving you in the warmth that Finnick had provided you. Melting the ice of the cells that had been frozen for the chilling attack of the breeze. 

“Seems dinner’s ready. You should come inside, Mr. Prince Charming” You said, your voice sounding so sweet and soft in his ears, like the calming waves of the preferred beach he liked to visit in the early hours of the morning, where everything was quiet and peaceful. Your fingers brushed away, just as it left its touch on him, and he coudn’t help but yearn for your suave fingers on him again. 

Your body walked away, into the residence the two of you would be sharing for the remainder of the days before the Hunger Games started.

The cells scattered across your body, thanked Vito for having called you, finally coming inside with the warmth the heater radiated without a problem. But even in the external heat, your heart wasn’t fully satisfied, and it longed for that fire that could only be found from inside of you, and it seemed Finnick was the only one that could set its blaze alight. 

On the other hand, the victor from two years ago, was looking straight to where you pupils had rested earlier. It was a pretty sight, but he found himself only wanting to visualize your presence. In his silly mood, he didn’t want to think of anyone else but you in that moment, to be able to prolong it as much as he could. But to his disappointed, the weather didn’t listen to his pleas, and soon, the warmth of your body washed away any trace that you had been with him that night. 

He hadn’t realized it then. The way you were creeping up on him like a tame spider to keep him a lovely company; how he saw your laugh to be ownerless because it belonged from another planet, as sweet and pure as the tastefilling sugarcubes he’d learn to slowly love.

OH MY GOD, IT DONE!!!!! FINALLY!!

Also, I'm not so fond of the Tribute Parade scenes, idk I just find them quite boring. So I thought I'd add more scenes of the Training, some with Vito, and of course, with my little cookie pookie Finnick. Hope you liked it ;)

Previous // Next

TagList: @marvelescvpe @meri-soni-meri-tamanna @thegr8estpuff

[mysimsloveaffair]

Wade grew up in a two-parent household on a homestead in Henford-on-Bagley with two younger brothers. His educated parents, Kai – a farmer/biologist, and Melisa – a mechanical engineer, were wildly successful in their careers and could always provide their sons with whatever they needed. With a private school education and plenty of money to start his adult life, Wade seeks out the one thing he always felt he was missing – a little adventure. Now he has to figure out how to make a career out of it and who he wants to share it with.

Below you will find the chapter summaries for Generation 4…

Day 1.4 – Dub begins thinking about his future, which includes moving out of Henford-on-Bagley.

Day 2.4 - Dub and his brothers arrive in Batuu!

Day 3.4 - The Banks Boys explore Batuu, and later Me-Me ages up and reminisces with Kai.

Day 4.4 - Dub gets caught up in a ‘sticky’ situation, which causes strife with Mase.

Day 5.4 - The Batuu trip ends abruptly, as Dub is forced to go home and “face the music.”

Day 6.4 - Dub asks his parents for help with his plans to move out and later meets with Perla to break things off.

Day 7.4 - Mase ages up to a young adult, and the Banks Boys learn some family history from Uncle Merit.

Day 8.4 - Dub moves out, but his first day in Brindleton Bay is not what he thought it would be.

Day 9.4 - Dub discovers the Skills Academy and some of the more appealing locations in Brindleton Bay.

Day 10.4 - Back at the skills academy, Dub meets someone new and intriguing. Then, later, he makes an impulsive decision.

Day 11.4 - After a hectic day, Dub realizes that he has a tough decision to make.

Day 12.4 - Dub’s 2nd meeting with Maia doesn’t go well.

Day 13.4 - Dub shoots his last shot when he bumps into Maia once again.

Day 14.4 - Maia gives Dub a tour of Dreadgrass Isle. Later, Dub makes a move that he soon regrets.

Day 15.4 - Dub receives a surprise visit from his family and finally finds out what Maia thinks about the kiss.

Day 16.4 - Maia joins Dub on his trip to Del Sol Valley for the Starlight Accolades ceremony.

Day 17.4 -  A trip to San Sequoia to meet Maia’s father leads to an unexpected friendship for Dub and convinces him that it’s time to make some big moves.

Day 18.4 - Dub and Maia experience the first day of their new relationship.

Day 19.4 - It’s Winterfest. Dub makes another big move, and later, he and Maia arrive in Henford to spend time with Dub’s family.

Day 20.4 - Dub and Maia plan to attend a friend’s wedding in Tartosa.

Day 21.4 - Maia experiences a serious mood swing as Dub plans how to spend the early part of their vacation.

Day 22.4 - While Dub and Maia attend the wedding, Dub’s cousin Brianna meets an interesting guy and Mase is finally introduced to Zoe’s family.

Day 23.4 - Dub starts to worry as Maia begins to suffer from a ‘mysterious’ illness.

Day 24.4 - Hit with a new reality Dub and Maia are forced to come to terms with their past, present and future.

Day 25.4 - It’s time to share the news of Maia’s pregnancy with the rest of the family.

Day 26.4 -  Me-Me throws a baby shower for Maia and Dub in Copperdale.

Day 27.4 -  A new baby of the Banks dynasty is born soon after Maia’s father, Clyde, comes to visit.

Day 28.4 -  Dub’s family arrives to meet Tambara, and Clyde comes through for Dub in a major way.

Day 29.4 - Dub earns the badges of fatherhood, and later, he and Dwight search for a rare gem for Maia’s engagement ring.

Day 30.4 - Maia and Dub reminisce on their last day in Brindleton Bay.

Day 31.4 - Moving day has arrived – Dub and family relocate to the West Coast.

Day 32.4 - Tami becomes mobile, and new tenants move in next door.

Day 33.4 - Dub has a strange run-in with his new tenant and later hosts a visit with his best friend, Luca.

Day 34.4 - It’s Tambara’s toddler birthday, but Dub gets the biggest surprises.

Day 35.4 - Dub feels paranoid, and his new tenants don’t help the situation.

Day 36.4 - After such a challenging day yesterday, Dub wants to spend some quiet time with his family.

Day 37.4 - The day begins with trip planning and self-care but ends with a trip to the vet.

Day 38.4 - In Ciudad Enamorada, Dub finally proposes, and Drake discovers how much babysitting can pay off.

Day 39.4 - (coming soon)

[aerodaltonimperial]

okay, are y'all ready? cause we got results from that smut poll, and it absolutely confirms everything i'd already discovered through keeping a stats spreadsheet of my own fics.

let's fucking talk about this!! first, almost 5% of people either don't read explicit fics on ao3 or don't read fics at all, so we can just sort of slide those results out of the poll entirely, since they don't matter for purposes of information gathering here. the big thing that i sort of KNEW would be a thing but was desperately hoping i had made up in my head is not that 5% of people, but the staggering 15.4% of people who say they won't even leave a kudos on explicit works that they liked (options 1, 2, 3, and 7).

now, interaction, at least in my fandom, is pretty shitty anyway. i've had people i considered friends in this fandom point-blank tell me they read my fic and i hadn't seen a kudos from them in 6 months. i will yell until the fucking world explodes that it's a GOD DAMN BUTTON that you CLICK and takes zero effort, and yet. here we are. that 15% of people? i am so fucking uncharitable towards. you don't deserve to read fic at all. you don't deserve to read a single explicit fic. it's an ANONYMOUS WEBSITE. literally nothing is stopping you from creating A SECOND USERNAME if you are THAT WORRIED about someone seeing that you left a kudos on an explicit fic, which, might i remind you, no one can fucking see unless they are on the fic themselves (or the author).

see, the thing about smut, is that for a lot of us, it's nerve-wracking to post. it's nerve-wracking to WRITE. and we are out here, putting our whole ass username on it BECAUSE WE ARE THE ONES POSTING IT (unless you post to anonymous), and y'all can't even click a button at the bottom of the fic??? a ton of the tags mentioned that this is a devil's sacrament situation, and they're right. anyone who sees you in the kudos list either also read the fic or wrote the fic. all you are doing is hurting your chances of getting more fic. honestly, the not leaving kudos pisses me off way more than the not leaving comments does lol. it's the lowest of energy. it's a fucking button. you can click it with your finger, or your nose, or you dick, idgaf, but you click that god damn button. absolutely horrible lol.

but then you gotta look at the other options, where people leave kudos but not comments. a few people were like "oh haha my explicit fics get lots of interaction" well good for you, you must have a real dedicated group of friends who reads and comments on your shit lol, but most of us don't have that! we are out here worrying over, was this hot? did i do a decent job? did i get the characters right? because i find smut difficult not just because i freeze up trying to write the narration, but because i am so focused on making sure the characters still read like themselves! and we just wanna know if we got it right, if it was sexy, if it sounded good. 56.2% of readers will not leave comments on explicit fics that they like.

that leaves us with just under 20% of people who will leave a kudos AND leave a comment on the fic if it's explicit.

look. i knew this would happen lol. i keep a spreadsheet of my fic stats (one-shots only, as chapters skew hit counts). anything explicit will end up sitting at about half what the others are in terms of kudos and comments. a lot of reblogs mentioned that people re-read explicit fics more, but in a small fandom like mine (tiny! niche! very low fic count!) i find that ALL my fics get re-reads simply because there is so little of it available, and that all the fics get the re-read numbers by the end.

if you ever wonder, why don't i have more fic to read? this is why. fic writers are putting this out for free. we are creating this out of love. yes, we all know, and have been told about 5 million times by everyone under the sun, that we should write for ourselves, but that's not the point of FANDOM. fandom is for interaction. fandom is for finding community. and fandom ain't gonna get fic if people treat writers like content creators on tiktok.

my last huge fandom was livejournal based, and sometimes i'm struck by how much i miss that. there were no hit counts on LJ. no kudos buttons. the ONLY way people could interact with your fic was to reply to the entry. and people DID. that's how we all made friends. that's how we all connected. that's how we created our community. people commented on your fic, and the ecosystem thrived. and people just don't do that anymore.

anyway. for the people who, like me, said they would kudos and comment on explicit fics, thank you. you are keeping this whole place afloat. and here are some of my favorite tags, the ones that made me feel slightly better about how the results from this came down.

thank you all for being here and saying the things you did lol. you are why people keep writing explicit fanfics.

[atlasofthestaars]

Chapter .010 Poll Breakdown

Smthing smthing this might be SLIGHTLY inaccurate but oh well LMAO

I'm just rounding to the nearest whole number so the total votes won't add up but it shouldn't??? be too important (in b4 it was)

TUMBLR BREAKDOWN:

Total of 1,296 votes

Liu Kang - 14.8% = 192 votes

Bi-Han - 19.7% = 255 votes

Kuai Liang - 6.3% = 82 votes

Tomas - 15.4% = 200 votes

Kung Lao - 5.4% = 70 votes (rounded up from 69.984 haha)

Raiden - 8.5% = 110 votes

Kenshi - 6.9% (nice) = 89 votes

Johnny Cage - 23.1% = 299 votes

Note: rounding made the total 1297 so it was close enough.

AO3 VOTES

Note: Uh people just voted multiple people?? and honestly thats on me for not specifying just ONE love interest sooo I'm just counting every vote they commented LMAO

Some comments just mentioned their faves are ___ but weren't explicit votes so I just kinda. counted them anyways

Liu Kang - 14 votes

Bi-Han - 18 votes

Kuai Liang - 2 votes

Tomas - 5 votes

Kung Lao - 3 votes

Raiden - 9 votes

Kenshi - 5 votes

Johnny Cage - 2 votes

TOTAL RESULT ORDERED BY POPULARITY

#1 Johnny Cage - 302 votes

#2 Bi-Han - 272 votes

#3 Liu Kang - 206 votes

#4 Tomas - 205 votes

#5 Raiden - 119 votes

#6 Kenshi - 94 votes

#7 Kuai Liang - 84 votes

#8 Kung Lao - 73 votes

Johnny won by a whole 30 votes! Which was funny because on AO3 he was the most unpopular, but the tumblr poll really boosted him to his win. Bi-Han was my expected win, honestly! But he still got 2nd by a good margin so that still makes sense.

Liu Kang got third by one vote HAHA The AO3 votes really saved him there ! He was second in the AO3 votes which really was interesting to me! Tomas got fourth by one vote as you can see which is really funny to me as well. But there is a BIG gap between Raiden and him though.

Raiden was FAR more popular on AO3, being third there. Kenshi was more popular on AO3 too which was a surprise to me tbh. Kuai Liang's placement kinda ??? surprised me, I honestly thought he was just more popular overall!

Kung Lao's placement doesn't surprise me, it only makes me sad.

Anyways that's the break down! I'll formally note these on the chapter .012 notes :D

[tharizdun-03]

anarchist: "if we need glasses, we'll make glasses. we will figure out a way to do it voluntarily and without coercion."

tankie: "no, I want slave labor so i can buy glasses and enslave glasses-makers. you anarkiddie. you anarkkkist. you—"

People always love asking about the production and distribution system for every single good or service in anarchism, instead of ever, once, just reading the numerous anarchist texts proposing working models of production and distribution.

Sure, you can first try asking an anarchist who actually knows something about glasses. I don't. Or you can read. You can read the Economy chapter of Anarchy Works and see how that would apply to the production of glasses.

You will probably find that it’s more complicated than the above meme (someone who likely does not know much about glasses either). That it involves people recognizing their mutual interest in sourcing raw materials, making tools, passing on lens-making skills, etc.

The good news is: societies that are not driven by profit (but by mutual interest in the well-being of all people in the society) are just as capable of doing complicated things, or more capable.

Nobody has ever thought about that or written about it since anarchism's inception, and neither have there been past examples of anarchist projects where people actually did that shit.

Congratulations, you just dismantled our entire political ideology.

And even then. If there are such miserable "jobs" that nobody wants to do and nobody considers important enough to endure, then in a liberated world without coercion they would simply disappear, yes.

Authoritarians make fun of this because they inherently don't want a free world, they need to coerce people to do jobs. But the simple matter of fact is that if there are jobs that aren't important enough to endure, then we wouldn't do it.

Contrary to some state forcing us to do it or we'll starve on the streets. And if it's really important that, for example, sewers are cleaned (because we want to be able to poop in toilets and be able to flush), I think that will be important enough for people to do.

Then you can organize so that everyone cleans their part evenly, so instead of in a coercive world where a small group of plumbers do it so they don't starve and go homeless, each person has to clean one maybe once per month, and the entire system is kept clean.As has been practiced and experimented with during anarchist projects.

Stuff like this is also why if we did have the same end goal, then 99% of anti-anarchist arguments are also anti-communist arguments.

This is why we say that anarchists and communists don't have the same end goal even if communists might say we do.

"Are you two friends?"

Communist: "Yes"

Anarchist: "No."

When communists, for example, make fun of anarchists for saying that people won't do particular jobs they hate (and don't find the gain from it important enough to endure), it's because communists don't actually want a coercive-free world. They don't want a stateless world.

If they did, maybe they wouldn't ridicule us describing such a world cause then we should agree on the end goal but not the method there, right? But they don't.

It's okay to find the above meme silly (it is!), but you think you'd at least see communists give more realistic models of how it'd work in a stateless society then, but they don't.

They make fun of the very act of imagining being able to produce and distribute glasses without coercion because they don't have our end goal of a coercive free world.

There's lots of nonsense all around.

Anarchists do explain this. All the time. It's a majority of anarchist writings. Every single major anarchist text has several sections about how an anarchist world would work (principles rather than prescription, as it'll have to adapt slightly differently to wherever you are).

Nothing about our standards of living is sustainable in any way, but you don't care. You don't want to grow ideologically, but simply find justifications to keep the oppression and exploitation necessary for your way of life.

Authoritarians are anti-liberation and have never dreamt of a better world.

[thatbanditqueen]

Against the Wall Chapter 3

Knock Me Down

A brief note: I need to go back and edit the previous chapters' posts, because this fic has taken on a life of its own. I envisioned it as this epic three-chapter story I would write over the winter holidays as a sort of sweet Christmas anti rom-com about Austin and an OC in the late 1980s/early 1990s. Then it took me twenty days to finish the third chapter. And it's pretty clear to me that I have more to write. At least one more chapter and an epilogue..... so whatever.....

I don't usually take requests, but I do appreciate input and feedback and suggestions, although I cannot guarantee how the writing process will work itself out, I will say that your feedback has kept me going and I included a few little scenes especially for @slowsweetlove although I probably didn't do him justice and completely defied his persona, I changed Keanu to suit my narrative needs and I hope it isn't too horrible to bear....

Catch up here:

Chapter 1: Bruised Bananas

Chapter 2: Red-Headed Woman

Summary: Picking up where we left off in chapter two, Hannah and Austin cope with the fallout from her arrest, and try to make the best of it, but fate gets in the way and they break up again, Austin begins to give in to some bad habits of his own while Hannah tries to forge a clean start but has some hard decisions to make on the way....

Rating: Explicit

Warning: smut, so 18+ only please, vaginal, oral, threesomes, sex with prostitutes, toxic, dark consensual sex, drugs, alcohol, pregnancy

Words: 15.4 K

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so many typos sorry

Hannah's Rehab Playlist (basically grungey alt from late 80s/early 90s)

Hannah & Austin's Romantic Mixtape (get it on music from 70s - early 90s they would've liked... i don't know, it was part of my creative process...)

May 12, 1991, 7 am

Culver City Police Department

The wall greeted Hannah’s head with a thud, and she knocked her self back into it harder, wanting to absorb  the cold concrete, it was awelcome relief to  her warm, throbbing, anxious neck as she blocked the fluorescent glow of the overhead light with her hand. She sighed, head pounding, longing to sleep, but the adrenaline coursing through her blood made sleep impossible. That, and the general grey, dour, imprisoned atmosphere of the Los Angeles County holding cell where she found her self confined. That also made sleep impossible. So instead, she lay there, mentally flaying herself for being so stupid, so unlucky, and so utterly fucked. The severe, angry figure of Austin’s publicist Min greeted her at the discharge desk. Tall, slender, Black, with high cheekbones and an elegant, refined style, Hannah shuddered at Min’s terse smile as it led her to a white Mercedes.

“Thanks… for getting me … you didn’t have to….” Hannah looked down.

“I got a call from Austin’s agent, Brett, at 4:30 this morning informing me one of Hollywood’s hottest, highest paid actors is trying to leave an active, overseas production, one already running behind, and costing the studio hundreds of thousands of dollars a day, to rescue his girlfriend, so, um, yeah, I did have to….its going to take all my effort and connections to keep the damage to a minimum…”

Sighing as she looked out the window, Hannah  realized they were going over the 101 to the valley, a direction that was decidedly not towards her apartment. About an hour later, after a shower and some coffee, Hannah sat on a bar stool in Min’s pristine kitchen trying her best to respond to a series of questions and rules.

“Let’s not beat around the bush. My job is to minimize the amount of people who know you were arrested last night. This is best for both your career and Austin’s.” Hannah nodded to Min, but reminded herself that Min gets 10% of Austin’s salary, and his career was her priority, not hers.

“Alright,  Hannah. Have you ever been arrested before?” Hannah shook her head. “Good, that’s good… OK… now, be honest, has Austin been doing cocaine and heroin as much as you or Downey, or any of the other reprobates you have been running around with?”

“Um… Austin likes to party but uh …  he doesn’t need to, you know? I… uh… he stopped partying when he’s working on a project … he, uh, never tried H. He doesn’t even know I’ve done it…” 

“Well, he knows now. Right, ok, and how long have you had a drug problem ?”

Hannah looked down, her breathe caught in her throat before she murmured. “I don’t know if I would say I have a problem… 

“Hannah,  you were arrested for DRUGS, illegal ones, bad ones, coke and heroin ——”

“I’ve only done H a handful of times —”

“I wish you could hear yourself. Most people never utter those words…. If this gets connected to Austin, it can make him an insurance liability. Which is BAD. And, honestly the publicity is a career killer for you too,  no director wants to hire a drug addict. So we need to contain this. And you need to sound contrite, apologetic, like you understand that all drugs are bad. Got it?” Hannah nodded again, accepting her role in this conversation: silent acquiescence. 

“Right, last question - you’re on a film right now?”

“Yeah, uh … we finished the Point Break final mix Friday, that’s why I was out last night… the delivery party is next Friday …” 

“You are one lucky girl.” Min put her coffee down, pointing at Hannah as she spoke. “You may actually get out of this with your reputation intact… if you do EXACTLY as I say. Rule one, no more dressing up like you’re auditioning for a Guns n’ Roses video. Think sleek, think simple, think modest. I want you to look like a PTA mom who is also an accountant. Got it?” 

Hannah mumbled how she hated Guns n’ Roses, but her chin bobbed up and down with assent. 

“Good. Ok, rule two, and hopefully this is obvious, but no more partying. I don’t care if you’re at the wrap party and Patrick Swayze offers you shots off his tight, perfect ass. You are now the paragon of sober, chaste behavior. I’m setting you up with an attorney, good one, Sheila, she specializes in these… sorts of…things… You need to prepare yourself. Sheila is going to tell you to start going to twelve step meetings, it will look good. She’ll ask for rehab in exchange for no jail time and a dismissal of charges.”

Hannah’s head fell into her hands, and her voice was shaking. “But I —“

“Possession of heroin, cocaine, unregistered guns, those are felonies here in California. Trust me babe, you don’t wanna fuck with prison. Rehab is the sensible choice, the choice that keeps this off your record, and then boom, clean slate…. ok, last rule: no more carbs.”

“Wait, why shouldn’t I eat carbs?”

“People always gain weight when they go to rehab, darling, and it would just make my life so much easier if you started saying no to carbs. And maybe yes to cigarettes? Now there’s a drug addiction I can get behind, keeps the appetite down, looks cool, might even help you get through all this.”

“Gee, thanks for the pep talk, Min, you make me feel horrible about myself.”

“Good, channel that when you think you want a doughnut. And smoke instead.”

Chewing sweet, glazed doughnuts in the passenger seat of her friend Robin’s car, Hannah let the gooey carbohydrates do their work comforting her as she prepared to call Austin. It was nighttime in London, and the cool, self control in his voice threw her off. Hannah could almost feel his abs tensing as he tightened up inward and put up a calm front. His timbre was steady, confident, unflappable. There was a slight British twinge to his voice, she could hear the Jagger in it, and he sounded like a bizarre version of himself. Hannah tried to lighten the mood, teasing him about his accent, but it was hard to combat every variation of his vague “the main thing is that you are ok, right Banana?”  It betrayed how worried he was. Guilty for making him worry, guilty for ruining their travel plans, Hannah explained how she wouldn’t be flying over in two weeks and didn’t know when they would see each other.

“I totally get it if you want to take a break…” Hannah offered.

“What, from us?” 

“Yeah,” she added, wiping her eyes, letting the word salad tossing around her mind tumble out. “I just… I … I’m a mess and its already been so long since we had sex and being with me is putting your career at risk, and I would never fuck with your money…. or your art … you are so talented …  and I fucked up and I just… I would understand —if you need a break from the drama… ”

Austin paused, her comment about his talent was unnerving, raw praise was not something Hannah did, it usually was hidden in back handed mockery or laced with sarcasm. Watching Hannah struggle to admit he was good at anything made it so charming when she did, that, in those moments, he actually felt like he deserved her approval. She was perpetually the same to him since they met: brutally honesty and never obsequious, no matter his success. Or hers, for that matter. Hannah’s authenticity drove his need to have her in his life. That, and the way her feisty stubbornness provoked a subconscious desire to conquer her, she was a challenge he would surmount, and he secretly longed to marry her, fill her with children and make her his forever. But Austin never really entertained those inclinations. He couldn’t explain how he felt that, and then was also turned on by how ambitious and smart and talented Hannah was. He loved mentally sparring with her, exchanging witty barbs with each other was like foreplay. Then also, he loved catching her at work at the end of the day, still editing a scene. Her eyes lit up, biting her lip in concentration as if she was solving a complex puzzle. Then there was the way she never expected or demanded anything, never took it for granted that he would pay for dinner, concert tickets or trips, had refused to move in with him. Her plucky, unassuming self-reliance made him want to take care of her even more and give her the life she’d never had. There were moments when Hannah let down her walls and became vulnerable, moments when she let herself be raw,  ask for help, or reach out to be touched, Austin lived for those moments. His favorite view of her was from between her legs, when she was completely naked, and his mouth was in her cunt, licking her, pleasing her, devouring her in ways she had always been wya too self conscious to let another man touch her. Austin lived to watch her face twist in tortured ecstasy as she writhed beneath him, moans begging him to continue, while her eyes betrayed her fear of the unbridled feelings she couldn’t control. It was sticking his tongue into a live current of lightening in the middle of velvet hurricane.

Austin had been in London  for a month and he ached for Hannah’s companionship. Work was a useful distraction, his days started on the set at 6 am, and then he was often not back to the hotel, often, before 8 or 9 pm, sometimes grabbing a bite with the other cast members or crew. He told himself he was glad not to have Hannah there, it wouldn’t have been fair to leave her all day six days a week, and then giving her the worst version of himself in the evenings, exhausted and just wanting to recover and recharge. Acting demanded so much intense work, that being alone on an overseas shoot made it easier to stay in character. Which was the part of his job he loved, the magic of subsuming himself in a character that wasn’t plain, boring Austin from Anaheim. 

Sundays were his only day off, and today, on this Sunday, listening to Hannah blabber on insecure and nice and completely vulnerable sparked something primal in Austin. He wanted to throw his phone down and run to Heathrow and fly too her immediately. He banged his hand on the table, frustrated at how stuck he was, and made a mental note to tell Min that money was no object for a lawyer or rehab or whatever else was needed to  to take care of Hannah right now. Ashley, he needed to call his sister Ashley and ask if she could drive to LA and help out as well. Making this mental list, Austin roused himself from his reverie and returned to their conversation.

“HAN - NAH,” Austin’s voice growled in a low, husky rumble through the phone receiver slowly and surely. “Stop…. sshhhhh…  baby…. you’re tired, you’re scared, it’s ok baby…. I get it… but….I. Love. You. Do you hear me Red? … I FUCKING BLOODY WELL LOVE YOU. I am not some sex crazed teen age boy. I’m a grown man. I’m not going to break up with you the day you get arrested for heroin because I need to fuck something… I would be there with you if I could, baby. It kills me that I can’t be there to take care of you -”

“But you shouldn’t have to take care of me, you should be with someone easier —”

“Banana! You were extremely easy …. that’s partly why I love you - you didn’t play hard to get, you opened up those legs the second I met you and then fucked me in an alley before you even knew my name —”

“That’s not what I meant. Plus, I knew your first name…  and I could tell you were an ok guy, I saw your soul in the bathroom that night … But that’s not the kind of easy I’m talking about… I meant uncomplicated… simple… easy to live with…”

“Nothing worth having is easy, Red … look… you’re the only one I want… I don’t want anyone else. I love you. I love your messy, big beautiful…. brain… those two heaving sides of your cerebellum, working up new insults to hurl at me… I honestly don’t know how you do it… I love your big, beautiful tits…” his voice was low, husky now, slowly as he relished the mental image of Hannah the last time they’d been naked in bed together. “I love your big, beautiful Banana butt, and I really really love your sweet, little, tight —”

“Austin stop! I’m at Robin’s house, she is sitting ten feet from me —”

 “MOUTH… what did you think I was gonna say? S’ides, she can’t hear what I am saying—“

“But she can see my reaction, even though she is on the couch, politely pretending to read a magazine and being very very cool about everything…”

“Wait, are you blushing? OH baby, you’re so fucKing cute when you blush…. Especially when your lips are around my—

“Austin!”

“Ok, ok. Look. I can’t help it, your voice is so sexy its distracting me… Look, I’m fine. I’m so busy with work, its probably good you aren’t flying to London, because we’re doing twelve hour shoots.  I’ll just come home after we wrap, I need a break, you do too, so its good we aren’t gonna travel around Europe all summer. I need to recover….  I’ll be home in August, and until then, it’ll be just like any other long distance thing, and we’ll be fine. We’re already pretty banging at phone sex…  and you can use all that free time in rehab to write me dirty love letters —”

A loud guffaw escaped from Hannah’s rough, cried-out throat.

“Oh baby, I love it when you snort. Loudly.”

“Shut up, Austin, you really are a dirty, little pervert. I swear, I can hear your hard on…. I can just tell from your goofy voice… how can snorting turn you on?”

“The world works in mystical ways, never question a hard on… just say thank you….”

Hannah chuckled, “I can’t decide if I want to punch you or make out…?’

“I wish we could do both, preferably, in that order… oh Banana, everything is gonna be ok. Maybe this is a good thing.”

Hannah paused. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sighing, Austin looked up and let his eyes wander, unfocus, following the rectangles of light bouncing off the crystal chandelier in his hotel room. He wondered if Hannah would be in this trouble if he had just been man enough to confront her before he left LA last month. If he really wallowed in self pity, his guilt spiraled back to their first break up, when he cheated on her. Because after getting back together, the biggest change he observed was Hannah’s new daily coke habit. It was a drug she used to hate it, and now she did it first thing in the morning. One evening before he left for England, SJP had cornered Austin at the Viper Room and confided that she was pretty sure Bob and Hannah were doing heroin with Johnny Depp, Winona Ryder and River Phoenix in the club’s back office. That Hannah had started experimenting with smack in Venice with Bob, behind her back. Austin had told her she was being paranoid, they were doing blow, like everyone else. Sure, Hannah enjoyed blow, maybe too much, but then again, coke was everywhere, e was everywhere, and everyone was doing it, including them. But heroin? No. Hannah was no junkie, she had no track marks, wasn’t passing out, or missing work, or stealing things. She was just going through a party girl phase, needed to let off steam now that she was getting better jobs, and needed to get it out of her system and find her rhythm.  Now, after the arrest, he wasn’t so sure, and the prospect of Hannah being locked away in a rehab, getting rest, forced off drugs, was actually a salve comforting the overwhelming sense of powerlessness and fear running through him because he was so far away. 

“Banana... I’m just saying maybe some rest and relaxation will be good….”

May 17, 1991

Hannah tried to be good while her lawyer, Sheila, sorted out her case. She wore boring clothes. She clenched her fist and powered through the week totally clean until the Point Break wrap party, when she looked down to find herself sipping on a beer and couldn’t even remember picking it up. Fuck it, its just one, you deserve it with the week you’ve had. Three beers and two shots of tequila later Hannah was smoking a joint out back with a mix of actors and crew, including Keanu Reeves, Lori Petty and others. The night went on, the atmosphere was giddy with the thrill of completing such a large-scale action movie and Hannah chased her warm buzz into a drunken fuck-it cyclone. Staggering toward her car, wondering if she should drive, she was rescued from indecision by a bounding Keanu running into her, long hair flapping behind him as he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards a group heading to Sunset in a limo. Hannah couldn’t see straight leaving the The Standard at 2:30 a.m., and found herself sharing a cab alone with Keanu, and his hands, one of which found its way to her knee, a glint sparkling in his eyes, his brows arched in a question.  In that moment, the sheer flattery of his proposition sent a of flock butterflies fluttering through Hannah’s belly, and she looked up at Keanu’s rugged jawline through blurry eyes, focusing her eyes on the rough stubble calling out for her fingers, imagining how sweet it would be to look up at him as he fucked her softly, slowly, tenderly. No one would know. She felt like she was dancing above a ravine, daring herself to tumble in to her own demise. Hearing his velvety, warm voice, Hannah almost propelled herself forward.

“You know, Rosenfeld, you’re the cutest editor I’ve ever met…”

Hannah let out a sardonic, “ha,” taking a deep breath. It took all her will power to remove Keanu’s hand from her knee. 

“Not sure if that’s a compliment… most editors are gross, nerdy, old white dudes… kinda low bar there, K-Rock… but, thanks anyway… it’s just … I have a boyfriend…”

“Still with Austin?”

She nodded, leaving with a hug before wobbling out of the cab and into Robin’s house. The base of her head was still throbbing Monday morning when Austin’s sister, Ashley, showed up to take her to lunch and help her get ready for rehab.

August 17, 1991

Golden Key Treatment Center, Half Moon Bay, CA

Hannah stood in front of the mirror, tee shirt lifted up, moving her hand over her belly and hips, stopping at the top of her grey sweatpants and snapping the elastic in frustration.

“Ughhh, I think I’ve gained 10 pounds since I got here… what the fuck can I possibly wear tomorrow?” She whined to her roommate Sonal, who looked up as she flipped through Cosmo. 

“Shut up Hannah, you look healthy, I would kill for your tits…..”

Hannah shifted from side to side. “And I would kill to be 18 again, like you, with your stupid metabolism and great genes … you could be a model… I would hate you if you weren’t the only other sane person here… but you need to tell your mom tomorrow, no more bringing tubs of Indian food for us to eat at family visitation …  Ok, from now on, every time I want to eat, I’m gonna smoke… coming? ” Hannah slipped on her birks and grabbed her pack of Parliament methols. Sonal followed her downstairs and outside to the ring of metal chairs and benches in the designated smoking area. Golden Key was like a jail mixed with a posh psych ward housed in a Mediterranean style villa overlooking the Pacific Ocean above levels of manicured gardens punctuated with fountains, a pool and tennis courts. The most comfortable smoking section was a deck off to one side of the lobby at the entrance, hidden from the drive by a line of tall evergreen shrubbery, but convenient for those stressful moments Sundays during family time visiting with guests in the main building. 

Today, Hannah and Sonal were alone on their walk through the grounds. Saturdays were the only day patients could get a day pass to leave campus with a buddy or approved guest. It was also one of two days they got to sleep in, and Hannah and Sonal had conspired to stay in, eat cookie dough and veg out watching television, for once not having to compromise with others on what they watched in the common room. Hannah had regressed back to habits from her freshman year at UCLA, spending the day in pajamas without make up, smoking menthols and watching TV.

Sonal exhaled her cigarette, “How long did you say it’s been since you saw your boyfriend?”

“Early April… it’s been over four months ago… he’s probably boarding his flight right now … today’s actually his birthday, but he couldn’t get over until tomorrow…  I’ve been trying to think where we can sneak off during visitation tomorrow … though he probably won’t want to fuck me when he sees how fat and boring I’ve become here… ”

“Hannah… if its been four months, he won’t care what you look like. Why was he in London again?” 

Hannah bit her lip, “Yeah,  he, uh … his company transferred him, but he’s—”

Standing, Sonal looked through the shrubs out toward the circular driveway. “Shhh, Hannah, a black convertible just pulled up front, it looks expensive… ”

Hannah bounced up, moving to peep around the shrubs. “That’s a Lamborghini….” she murmured, watching a tall white guy with shoulder length blonde hair covering his face grab a bouquet of roses and step out of the car. A shot of electricity went through her stomach as she realized who it was, and, stabbing out her cigarette butt she became a woman possessed. She scurried around the deck’s stone balustrade columns and ran down the steps towards the car, the flop of her sandals falling off didn’t phase her. The force of her body knocked Austin back onto the hood of the car as she jumped onto him, legs around his waist, a high pitched squeal escaping her mouth before it smashed against his lips.

“Hey Red…happy to see me?” Austin looked up, through a sly grin in-between kisses, blue eyes bright and twinkling at Hannah. She slide off him, panting and giggling, then realizing she was barefoot in sweatpants, she punched Austin in the shoulder. 

“Asshole - I did not want to look like like this the first time you saw me…..I fucking hate you!”

Austin smirked as he rubbed his mouth, raw from Hannah’s assault on it, his hands were now on her waist as he pulled her back into his embrace. “Shut up, you look fucking hot… I might have to ravish you right here on my new car…”

“NOPE…. I know how much you like public sex… ugh, actors… consistently looking for an audience… well, the joke’s on you, babe… now you have to wait for me to shower and get some clothes on.”

“What’s the point when I’m going spend the rest of the night tryin to get them off…?”

“Hmm, we’ll see if you have a chance with that British accent… where’s the man I said goodbye to in March? Did you leave my boyfriend back in London?”

“Yeah… I … uh…” Austin ran his hand through his long hair, pushing it behind his ear, embarrassed. “I’m working on that… I’ve been speaking like Mick Jagger for almost six months… longer if you count the dialogue coach I started with last fall… at this point…  I don’t even know what my real voice sounds like, I mean, this feels like my real voice… certain things trigger it and other times as well it’s, I don’t know… I can’t help it, its like a part of the fiber of my being… fuck, that sounds stupid, doesn’t it?”

Hannah caressed the side of his mouth, noticing how tired he looked. “No, it doesn’t sound stupid… that’s the nature of being an empty vessel… a beautiful, tall, sexy empty vessel… sometimes it takes a while for the contents to drain out, right?” She pulled Austin’s neck forward, and stood on her toes to kiss his check. “I love you Austin Jagler…” 

A kiss to his other cheek, and Austin’s face melted into a lusty haze, beaming down on her with a broad, affectionate grin. Her witty barbs and insults were an aphrodisiac. Hannah could have asked him to drive his brand new Lamborghini into the ocean and he would have. Just watching Hannah’s boobs bounce up and down (had they gotten bigger since April?) as she ran toward him without a bra on, her hair bobbing out of a messy bun, shoes falling off as she pummeled him on to his new car, tits first, smooshing him down under a mountain of soft, billowy breasts, and he was transfixed. Knocked down, figuratively and literally, He could have stayed there, on the Lamborghini’s hood, fully clothed, watching her hover above him, the outline of her nipples visible through her shirt, and he would have been content for hours. Although now that she had steadied herself, and was once again demeaning, insecure, doting and violent all at once as she slapped him, called him an empty vessel and told him she loved him, he was even more bewitched then ever. 

“Austin?” Hannah snapped her fingers in his face. “You must really be jet lagged… I said, you have to fill out some forms inside while I change, I’ll be real quick.”

An hour later, Austin’s left hand was pushing up the hem of Hannah’s knee length yellow and green flowered dress, finding its way to rest on her knee, slowing moving up higher, his left hand steering them out of the Golden Key’s gates and down the hill towards the coast. She leaned on his shoulder, and he kissed the top of her hair, lifting his arm to pull her in closer.

“You are such a bastard, showing up a day early … you’re lucky you’re so pretty… and that it’s your birthday…. and that I missed you …” she said, her voice becoming breathy, low, and Austin gasped at the way her hand moved to caress the top of his inner thigh. She chuckled as his cock twitched and he reached down to remove her hand.

“Mmmhmmm… you’re gonna make me crash, baby… I only just landed in San Francisco this morning, and this is a new car, and I’m not used to this windy road … so, where are we going?”

“You bought this car this morning on your way here?”

“No, Alex picked it up for me and drove it to meet me at the plane.”

“Fucking movie stars … don’t even buy your own cars… making your assistant drive nine hours from LA with a shiny new toy instead of just renting a car like a normal person… pathetic… “ Austin grinned, eyes remaining forward on the road, it made him feel powerful to hear Hannah recount his extravagance through mockery, the way her eyes widened told him she was secretly impressed.

“Ugh, Half Moon Bay is really a one horse town… there’s a fisherman’s wharf touristy area, some beaches, a square with a few shops… I just have to be back by 9, and, um, we’re not supposed to leave the town…”

“Right, but how would they know?”

“I would know… I um… I’m really trying to do this … I want to graduate sooner rather than later…”

“Graduate?”

“Yeah, remember? I wrote about it, in one of my very long, dumb rambly letters … it’s stupid, but the program length is variable here, three months to a year, based on how long it takes to complete their ‘three phases’ and ‘graduate’ from the program…”

“What phase are you on?”

“Two… I have a sponsor in NA and I’m plugging along … rah rah rah…”

“That’s good, though, I mean… right?”

Hannah squinted, looking ahead of her, and then looked down, fidgeting with her dress. “Yes.” Her voice was low, sincere. “Yes. I’m glad I’m here. I wasn’t at first….. but now I’ve been here for two months and… I … I have been able to admit that ….. the drugs were a problem for me… and… I don’t want to do them anymore … I want to be free… is that the lamest thing ever? Don’t worry, they haven’t totally brainwashed me … I’m still a devout atheist… I still like sex and rock ’n roll …but, I um… look…. we should talk tonight I guess, because if you need a girlfriend who you can get fucked up with and share that party lifestyle with I totally get it…but being clean, for me, means no booze… no recreational e and dancing at parties in the desert…”

Austin’s face grew pensive, and he drew Hannah in tighter, planting a long kiss again on the top of her head. “Shut up with that… First, we did that once because YOU wanted to… raves are not exactly my scene… and Second, You’re my girl, ok? I’m gonna take care of you. I want to….And, uh…I’m like, really proud of you, Hannah Banana, I really am… so let’s figure out more pressing issues… like,it’s 1:30, I gotta get you back by 9… that doesn’t give us much time, we should probably go straight to my hotel…”

Hannah guffawed, “Not even gonna buy me dinner first, huh?” 

Austin’s heart swelled and he felt himself harden more, Hannah’s teasing lilt made the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and he rubbed her knee. “Don’t worry, I’ll think of something to feed you,” he tried to play it straight, looking ahead, but unable to stop his deep chuckles as Hannah playfully slapped him. “I meant to talk…” he laughed,  “like we should just go to my hotel, so we have somewhere private to talk… we have a lot to talk about… we don’t even have to have sex today… or even go to the super deluxe suite I got with a big, comfy king bed … we can just hang out on the hotel grounds, the lobby is nice, there’s like a path along some cliffs and an outdoor fire place, there’s a golf course somewhere…”

Hannah hummed, her hand sliding around his waist, “Ok, yeah, you know how much I love golf …” 

“What the fuck, Austin…  the Ritz? I didn’t even know this was here, leave it to you to find the most overpriced poncy, rich asshole place to stay.” Hannah exclaimed, as Austin led her through the lobby of the Half Moon Bay Ritz Carlton. He shrugged, walking towards the outdoor bar where a fire was indeed roaring from a large, stone pit, and you could see the Pacific Ocean churning beyond green cliffs. Hannah shook her head, and pulled him to her, standing on her toes to whisper into his ear, “I need to use the bathroom, can we go to room?” Her teeth grazing the bottom of Austin’s earlobe, and she grinned as his eye brows lifted and he nodded his chin, tapping his hand over his thigh during the elevator ride up. 

Looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, Hannah’s confidence faded a bit, she pulled on the waddle that had expanded under her chin, and pushed it back to up, looking at herself with both hands pulling back the excess skin around her face. Stupid fucking cow, you were almost a size 8… now you can barely get into your size 12 clothes… But Hannah’s confidence surged back when she came out to find the eager, almost innocent look of awe in Austin’s eyes glued to her from the couch where he was untying his oxfords,  camel hair jacket already off. He jumped up and sauntered over, pushing his long hair to the side. She shivered at his hands closing in around her waist, savoring how the back of his index finger lightly feathered up and down her sides. His blue eyes were dark and half lidded with lust above a dopey smile. 

“Hey…” his voice was husky, slow, and Hannah’s pulse quickened, quivering at his touch, the fire building in her core swelled and her chin jolted down, embarrassed of how intense her desire felt. Her breath was uneven, nervous, and Austin’s right hand moved to her soothe her cheek, cupping it and turning it towards him.

“Hey… is this ok? You ok?” Hannah nodded, her fingers moving to play and tug at the belt loops on his hips, pushing into him. Now both of Austin’s hands were cupping her face, thumbs gliding over the tops of her cheeks, his lips soft on hers, then pausing to swallow anxiously. Her eyes widened, as she nuzzled the tip of his nose, and his head bent down, the warmth from his forehead meeting hers, eyes squeezed shut, shuddering as he mumbled, “Oh god baby, sweet baby, I missed you so much… so… so much….” 

A warm tingling pricked at the sides of Hannah’s eyes, she thought she might cry, but she kept it at bay, nodded, her hands tightening around him as his nose grazed her cheek and his lips were on her earlobe, then kissing the nape of her neck softly.  He drew her closer to him, taking her left hand in his right palm to sway  around the room, half speaking/half singing the lyrics to the song “Lady in Red” softly in her ear. Austin’s slow, gravelly, semi-British inflection pulled her in and she followed his lead, moving in harmony, their bodies softening and relaxing as they remembered how they fit together. 

I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you do tonight…

I've never seen you shine so bright

You’re amazing

I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side

And when you turned to me and smiled

It took my breath away

And I have never had such a feeling

Such a feeling of complete and utter love

As I do tonight

The lady in red is dancing with me

Cheek to cheek

There's nobody here

It's just you and me

It's where I want to be

Well, I hardly know this beauty by my side

I'll never forget the way you look tonight

Austin’s voice cracked, and Hannah heard it and felt it, with her head was resting on his chest. It sent a wave of electricity up her belly. Austin paused by the window, smoothing her hair, his fingers trailing down her back.

“I love you, Red, forever and always..,”

“I love you too, Austin, always and forever.” He gripped her closer as he felt her voice reverberating through his chest. 

Austin pulled back to look into Hannah’s big brown eyes, wide and vulnerable, her pupils blown with longing, and he answered it with a kiss, stroked her back with his thumb. The kisses became deeper, his mouth enclosing her upper lip, softly, then pulling on it, before their tongues collided, each beckoning the other to consume them completely. Hannah fingers worked their way down the buttons of his black, flower patterned dress shirt, slowly, biting her lip as it finally fell to the floor and her hands moved, shakily, over his smooth, firm skin.  Austin grabbed her right hand, kissing the back of her palm. Her other hand brushed a lock of his long hair out of his eyes, tucking it behind his ear.

“I like the long hair, by the way… you look like a handsome, rock star surfer.” Hannah whispered, grasping a handful and pushing it behind his right ear. 

“Thanks…” Austin muttered distractedly as he pulled at her dress, exhaling with awe as he slowly raised it up over her head, shaking his head and popping his lips at the sight of Hannah’s heaving pale breasts. He bent down in reverence to kiss the line of freckles above them, grinning like a school boy at the sound of his fingers successfully pulling off the last hook of her bra clasp. Now his hands were moving slowly down her back, playing with the elastic of her panties as his lips forged a trail from her décolletage to her mouth. Feeling her tense, he looked down to see Hannah sucking in her stomach, using her arms to cover the slope of her belly and hips, and he stepped back, as if reading her mind, he pulled her hands away so her could admire her whole figure.

“You’re gorgeous, Red… really… I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”

Hannah rolled her eyes, “Stop…”

“No, really…” Austin lowered himself on his quads to grab Hannah by her ass cheeks, lifting her up and carrying her under her knees and back over to the bed, then laying her down gently. Hovering over her, Austin’s eyes smoldered. “I need to tell you something baby…. you look better, you look healthy, you look like you did when we met… this is how your body is supposed to look…” his hand stroked the roundness of her hips, grabbing and rolling her soft, supple flesh, as he leaned in to kiss Hannah’s shoulder, smirking as she whimpered in response to the soft touch of his fingers tracing a line up her belly to her breasts to flick her nipple. A bolt of lightening ran down Hannah’s spine and sparked at her core, a fire building as Austin mumbled on, the arousal in his voice shuddering through. “These curves just kill me… I’ve seen you naked hundreds of times now, and every time it’s still …. a fucking revelation, I just want to sink in, explore every contour, feel every bounce, taste every inch of you…” as he said this, Austin pushed himself lower, until he was on his knees at the base of the bed, looking into Hannah’s eyes as he slowly slide her panties off, eyebrow arched in a question, then hastening to rip them off once Hannah nodded her chin in assent. Austin dragged her legs towards him until they were over his shoulder and Hannah’s rosy pink pussy met his face with a wet slap at the edge of the bed. He held her still when she twitched, responding to the intense flick of his tongue over the center her clit. Austin spoke into Hannah’s sex, his hands soothing the top of her thighs.

“Shhhh… s’ok… don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you baby…”

“Mhmmmm I know, I’m ok,” Hannah’s eyes met Austin’s, looking up at her between her legs. “ I just… I don’t think I’ve ever done this sober, not really, not like this where I’ve been clean for months…”

Austin leaned forward to lav at Hannah’s core, maintaining eye contact, and then pausing to rub her clit with his thumb, savoring the pitter patter of his finger against her slick flesh. 

“I’m into it, I want to see you, the real you, I can’t wait to watch you come undone, unfiltered, knowing that I am making you feel pleasure, and not some chemicals…” 

Throwing her head back, Hannah cried out when Austin returned his tongue to her nub, her fingers seizing the duvet cover to steady her through the intense waves of pleasure washing over her as the tip of his tongue rolled on her, up and down in a syncopated trance, then shifting to circle around her core, bringing his thumb to messaged her entrance and gently open it up, his tongue back home on her clit, fingers gliding inside her, calling out to her center as his rhythm intensified, responding to the thrust of Hannah’s hips now fucking into his mouth was she chased the sensation building in her belly until she screamed out a refrain of “oh gods,” her face contorting in agony through her release, hips bucking slowly as the waves crashed outward and the heat of her orgasm rippled out across her body. The sparks flew up through her nose and tingled down to the skin at the base of her feet.

“Oh god Austin… I FUCKING love you…” she cried out, her head flinging back as she panted. Austin grinned up at her, his thumb riding her through her climax over her clit, before she pulled him off by his wrist, unable to take the over stimulation. Hannah perched up on her elbows and caught her breathe, her fingers aimlessly twirliing Austin’s long hair. He smirked a self-satisfied smirk, wiping his mouth on the duvet, then lifting himself up effortlessly from his shins.

Hannah admired his bare abs, rising in a V shape to broad, muscular hard shoulders, he spoke while looking down to unbuckle his pants. “I honestly don’t know how long I’ll last today baby…. It’s been a while… unless you count jerking off to the sound of your voice…” Still panting, Hannah’s mouth turned into a bright gleam, and she sat up, making him trip over the edge of the bed as she pulled him down toward her, kicking off the last leg of his trousers and jostling to land over her with a burst of laughter. Pushing the blonde hair out of his face, Hannah looked up into his eyes with an affectionate grin, the reverence she found there made her gasp.

“I still can’t get over the fact that you’re really here with me, that it’s really you,” she whispered, pinching his arm. “I’m afraid any moment I’m going to wake up in my bed at GK and this will all be some sort of wet dream.”

Austin leaned in, meeting his lips with hers, his tip grazing her entrance as he met her eyes. 

“If this is a dream, I don’t wanna wake up, I just wanna be here with you.” He started to push into her, slowly, grunting low as a he watched Hannah’s eyes widen and her breath hitch in her throat with a gasp, exhaling through the snug fit of her cunt and the way she involuntary clenched around him.

“Hey, you ok?” His eyes darted up to search hers.

“Mhmmmmm…uh huh…” she answered, moaning out, “I just… may be out of practice…”

“S’ok…” Austin slowly thrust out, and then, rocking back into her, he grabbed her hips and swiveled onto his back so that Hannah was now on top. “Take the wheel, baby, let’s go at your pace.” 

Pausing to reposition her knees on either side of his hips, Hannah pushed her hands onto his chest to steady herself, her breath sharp as she lifted off of him and then slid back down, a glint in her eyes. 

“I like ... uhhhh… how I tell you… I’m …ummff….. out of practice and… ahhhhh…. out of shape and that I don’t know what I’m doing…. And …o f fuck…..you put me in charge…” She grunted, her voice was playful as she began to bob up and down on Austin’s cock, biting her lips as she found the angle that made a spark jolting up through her core with each forward movement.

“Oh god, fuck I missed you so much….” Austin groaned, his hands digging into her hips as she rode him deeper and he rose to meet each thrust, his hands tightening to slow her down. “Whoo, wait, hold on…” Hannah paused, as Austin pushed himself up, his legs folding under her as he pulled her knees up on either side of him.  Hannah felt his cock push deeper, as she met his body, straddling him at eye level as he wrapped his arms around her waist, and she lowered her legs on either side of his, her arms now hooked around his shoulders. Their bodies were twisted together upright in an embrace as Hannah began to grind against Austin slowly in lotus position, feeling his length glide up and down within her, the muscles in his arms tensing as they moved with her hips to support each push up and down. Face-to-face in the middle of the bed, their mouths hovered across from each other as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Austin’s breath synced with Hannah’s and she grasped the back of his neck, twirling his hair into a rope away from his face as she kissed him deeply, passionately, heaving back and forth as her pussy opened up further for him with each thrust. 

“I missed you too…” Hannah murmured between low gasps, her hips dipping up and down deliberately, a loud moan escaping her mouth.

Austin’s fingers drew her in closer. “Let’s just live here in this bed and… never… uhhhh … leave… ok?”  Amused, Hannah nodded, as Austin pulled her in for another kiss, his lips wet, tongue furtive, bodies pressed tightly together, Austin savored the swell of Hannah’s breasts against his heart as they fucked into each other in a slow, soulful rhythm. Austin’s hands began to move Hannah’s hips more energetically.

“I love you… Hannah Banana”

“I love you too pretty boy…” her fingers slide down to his chest and began to tweak his nipples, and Hannah bit her lip as his blue eyes met hers with an intense heat, plunging down onto him, hips rippling as he worked them with her and she felt a tension building in her core. “Fuck Austin, I think I’m gonna cum again…”

He bit his lip, nodding his forehead against hers. “Hey, that’s my girl… just relax… don’t fight it…. Uhhhh god….you feel so soft when you cum…  ride me through it… FUCK I fucking love you….”

Letting loose Hannah cried out, trembling as she continued to rock back and forth over Austin until he jerked harder up into her, his abdomen tightening, her name on his lips as he convulsed and exploded deep inside her. 

“Oh god...” Austin muttered, his brow bending into hers as he stilled her hips and Hannah pushed down, squeezing her arms around him until they fell sideways. She landed on his chest as they exhaled, a heaving pile of spent limbs. 

The sun set over the ocean, and Hannah and Austin spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, crawling to the phone to order room service, sitting on the bed lazily drinking Pellegrino and feeding each other French fries, finding new ways for their bodies to fit together when splayed across each other. Austin murmured in her ear how he wanted Hannah to move in with him when she graduated, and she nodded, all the pride and snark and insecure stubbornness fucked out of her. 

“Ok. If you mean it.”

“Let me take care of you Hannah.”

“We can take care of each other, ok? I’m not some helpless patient… I’m just… trying to get better… but… I am so, so SO grateful, lucky? For your support… it makes it so much easier to be here now that I an escape with you….” She answered, and he kissed her forehead.

“You’re right… we take care of each other… and I’ll be back next weekend, cuz I need you…. Being here with you, it’s like you fill up this empty, Hannah shaped hole in my life….”

She giggled, and slapped his shoulder. “I feel like you fill up an empty Austin-shaped hole deep inside me…”

Austin rolled his eyes. “I meant figuratively… like a part of my soul is incomplete without you.”

Hannah turned to look at him, as he spooned her from behind, their eyes met and Hannah waggled her eyebrows, leaning up to kiss Austin’s lips and then moving around so that they were once again tangled in an embrace, kissing deeply as their bodies softly heaved into one another, and before he knew it, Austin was above Hannah again, hard, looking for her nod as he spread her legs and guided himself into her once more.

“Oh gawd, baby, when I’m inside you I just feel like I’m home….” 

Hannah’s big brown eyes, widened, a deep laugh burst out of her throat, followed by the sharp gasp she exhaled as Austin’s cock lunged into her. 

“Austin, that is so corny, that’s like the Hallmark card for vaginas… CUM home Austin…”

“Shhh, Hannah…ughhhh” he smiled down at her, hovering above as he continued to thrust into her. “Don’t ruin the romantic mood——”

“Ok..baby… you’re right…. It’s so… ughhhh.. romantic when you tell me how my pussy is like …ahhh” their conversation was punctuated by groans of pleasure. “House….”

“Like home, like it is so comforting to be inside a familiar pussy, a homey pussy…ughhhh”

She laughed and shook her head, and then gripped his sides as Austin began to pump into her harder, and Hannah could no longer form full sentences, her whole body buzzed from the electricity generated by each pound against her g spot. Within a few more minutes, she was coming unraveled, and Austen soon followed.

Dozing off in a post coital nap, it was 8:15 when Hannah eventually rose and began to dress, looking over her shoulder with a heavy heart. Austin followed, hand through his hair, retrieving his own clothes and dropping her back at her rehab with the promise that he would be at family visitation the next day. Before she got out of the car, Hannah handed him a small jewelry box with a bow wrapped around it.

“Happy birthday, pretty boy…”

He opened the box, finding a cassette tape labeled with Hannah’s handwriting, Songs that Make Me Think of You. 

“ I was planning to give it to you tomorrow… there are no cool shops in Half Moon Bay… and you have so much money and stupid things anyway…. so I thought I’d make you something… there some Cure, REM, Pixies, Elvis Costello…. some love songs… ugh, it’s stupid… I mean, you just bought yourself a Lamborghini…”

Austin grinned, shaking his head, as he cupped her face and drew her to him. “Shut up. This is perfect because you made it for me… I can’t wait to listen to it…”

Mid August though Mid September, 1991

The next few weekends would follow much the same, as Austin drove up from LA to visit and September came to call, bringing with it a cooler bite to the coastal California sea air. The mood at rehab changed perceptibly, and Hannah waltzed through her days on a pink cloud, scribbling daily journal entries, speaking openly and positively in groups, meetings, sessions with her counselor and her NA sponsor. As she started to make plans to move home, phrase three was in her sights, all she had to do was connect with a temporary NA sponsor in LA and set up a meeting, and she could start planning to graduate the first week of October. 

It was a balmy, early Tuesday morning when Hannah bounded down the staircase from her dorms to the foyer, whistling REM’s “Shiny Happy People,” when a note stuck in her throat at the sight of Min waiting for her on a bench. Austin had been up to visit the previous weekend, and had said nothing about his publicist visiting her before he departed Sunday. She started to open her mouth, and Min motioned for her to follow as she led Hannah back to what was usually her counselor’s office.

“James, is it? Said I could use his office.” Hannah nodded, and watched with horror as Min unfurled several tabloids in front of Hannah with the previous days’ date on them. There, on the front, were photos of her and Austin: kissing, walking, holding hands, at the hotel and then saying goodbye at the front of the Golden Key’s main building. The headline read “Butler’s Romance with Downey’s Junkie Jailbird.”

“Fuckkkk… what the fuck Min?”

“Someone tipped off the paparazzi. Either someone who saw you at the hotel, or walking around this charming institution. Doesn’t matter who, at this point, it’s out there. And they have the whole story, your name, the details of the arrest, everything.”

Hannah gulped, flipping through the pages and gasping in horror as she found the double-page spread with photos someone had taken driving by the arrest with her and Downey, next to her mug shot and a photo of her and Austin walking down the red carpet at US premiere of his last film, David Lynch’s Crazy at Heart. Min straightened her glasses, her deep Black skin somehow radiant even first thing in the morning, when Hannah imagined she must have woken up very early in order to drive or fly up from LA.

“Austin doesn’t know I’m here. And I think we both know that boy is like a Labrador retriever. He will not do the smart thing, he will be loyal, he will not break up with you. But he must. You are a liability to his career. I cannot stress that enough. I’m sorry, I have to say it as it is. Bob is not getting any offers, and he was nominated for an Oscar, because he can not get insurance coverage until he finishes treatment and stays out of trouble for at least a year, I not more. His career may very well be over…  I begged Austin, BEGGED him, not to have you walk down the carpet last year, to keep his private life private, but did he listen? No. And I, foolishly, didn’t put my foot down, because it didn’t really matter, did it? Who cares if an actor dates a random normal person, it’s not as fun to read about as two celebrities dating, so the gossip mongers have pretty much left you two alone. No one ever saw this photo from then red carpet before, it was all they cared about were pictures of him with Laura Dern or Lynch. Even with the arrest, all eyes were on Downey. You were literally cut out of the photos so the papers could get a better close up framing Downer with the cops. And with your plea deal, we managed to keep you under the radar. But now, the only way to make this go away is to stop providing them fodder and distract them with something new.”

Hannah met Min’s eyes, confused, as she sat down, and Min followed suit, perching on the edge of the chair across from Hannah.

“Just tell me what to do. Like a statement that we aren’t involved.”

“What? Actually comment on this? God no. No. It just needs to stop. You need to break it off, and then I will  set him up with some very public dates. Maybe with some of his costars from Jagger, like Halle Berry, Rosie Perez, Christie Brinkley, they played his main love interests….” Hannah nodded, and then Min reached over and put her hand over Hannah’s and squeezed it. “You know, Hannah, if you want to be truly happy, though, you should just pull off the band aid and really break up with him today. While you’re in here, safe from temptation, and cared for, where you can heal. Actors should date other famous people, who know what this lifestyle is. This thing, its never going to work long term. Look at you, dear, are you better or worse off after doing this tango with Austin on and off for four years? Dating someone famous, its extremely difficult….  its like a swan dating a rat, he should be with another swan…”

Hannah pulled her hand back, brow furrowed.

“So I’m a rat now?”

Min breathed deeply.

“I was trying to emphasize difference. He’s above-the-line talent, you’re below-the-line crew. He grew up with money, you didn’t and you are always going to worry whether you are enough, no matter what he says, or how much you trust him. You and Austin different species, that’s all I’m saying. If you are honest with yourself, you already know in your heart I’m right.” Min patted her own heart. “Look, you can do whatever you want. But dear, no one was interested in a story about a young woman going to rehab after getting arrested, not until they saw Austin up here, then someone told the paps and they started poking around. You need to look out for yourself. What is going to happen to you? And your career? If you stay together, I guarantee this is not the last time you’ll be in the tabloids. It’s the first. Of many. Either way, you need to convince him to stop coming up here to visit. To have public dates with a few famous women. The paps will loose interest and it will all blow over….. Unless you keep adding fuel to the fire. If this stops, you may still be able to salvage your reputation, there will be people who didn’t read this tabloid. But if the coverage continues, week after week as he visits, or when you come back, or if you relapse… at some point, things that normal people get to keep private will come out, and it’s possible Variety or the LA Times will do a story on you guys.”

Hannah nodded, starting at her fingers in concentration. She knew what she had to do.

October 15, 1991

The drive back down to Los Angeles was long, and Avi was silent, giving his daughter the room she needed to be with her thoughts as she mentally prepared for her new life, her clean life, life after rehab. Hannah sighed. Ugh, its worse than being 18…. I’m a single, unemployed 28 year old loser. She pulled in one of Austin’s hoodies she had kept after a visit, wallowing in the melancholy that washed over her. 

Austin had become irate when she broke up with him over the phone in her counselor’s office the day Min visited her three weeks ago…

“Are you fucking serious? Because of some tabloid bull shit? You know I don’t care. Fame doesn’t fucking interest me, I just want to be with you, work with great people and make art. ”

“But, Austin, being famous gives you the profile do that  —“

“Sure, but so you take the good with the bad. You know that, you grew up in this business.”

“And look at how fucked up I am. Plus, its not like the paparazzi chase after editors, Austin, that is definitely a bonus from dating you …”

“You think I like them? Those people are parasites… they are the SCUM of the earth, I cannot believe you are letting them control your life—”

“Austin, I am not LETTING them do anything, I am just trying to live life on life’s terms, one day at a day—“

“Don’t you dare start throwing those AA cliches at ME, Hannah. At least be real. We love each other. Nothing else matters. You’re just hurt and scared and you’re reacting like a baby…”

“NA cliches, please, if you are gonna insult me at least be accurate… look it doesn’t matter….  You re not being fair… I AM trying to be real. You know what’s real? I don’t have a job lined up. In this business, you are only as good as your next job, and this type of stuff might make it impossible—”

“So what? You don’t need a job, Just come live with me. I’ll take care of you …”

“Do you know how demoralizing it is for you to talk to me like that? As if I haven’t been working like a dog for the last seven years to get where I am? Let alone how bad just sitting around your house waiting for you to come home and fuck me would be for my recovery? The tabloids, the paparazzi, they aren’t the problem. They’re a symptom of the real problem, which is how incompatible we are. You’re a swan, and I am a rat, we are defying the laws of nature—”

Austin growled. “Are you high right now? They should give you a drug test. You sound ridiculous. I literally don’t even know what that means with the swan and the rat. Ugh! You are being so stupid. You always do this, you get stuck on how I’m a ‘movie star,’ and then you blow it out of proportion because you are insecure and stubborn. Most woman would be overjoyed to have someone offer to support them while they figure out their shit. And work through this together.” 

“Austin, you don’t get it, and I can’t do this, we’re talking in circles… look, my sponsor told me not to date anyone for my first year sober, and I completely ignored her. But clearly I was wrong, because this whole thing is a trigger for me, you are a trigger. We have too much baggage, from before, from now. I love you, I love you so much…” tears started to well up in Hannah’s eyes, and her voice wavered. “But love isn’t enough and I have to put myself first.”

The sound of her sobs made Austin even angrier. “No. The answer is NO. I’m not letting you do this. We are not breaking up, you are being hysterical.” Her sobs got louder, and Austin sighed, running his hand through his hair and tried to calm down. He could almost see Hannah’s pale face becoming blotchy and red and wet as she cried. It was beautiful and ugly and he couldn’t bear it. “Oh Banana, look, you’re upset. We can’t have this conversation over the phone. I’m gonna get in my car and drive up right now.”

“NO! No, Austin, no, don’t come up here - they took those photos of you coming here, it might even be another resident here. Please, please, don’t come up.” She sniffed, wiping her eyes, breathing deeply to steady her voice. “Look, this isn’t up to you. You don’t get to let me do anything. It’s over. Do not come up here, do not call, do not try to see me. I’m taking you off the guest list. Can’t you understand? I need to do this for…. my recovery. I just need to be single and focus on staying clean.”

 “I canNOT fucking believe you are doing this, after everything. I have done nothing but support you getting sober. You can’t take me off the guest list, I PAID for that fucking rehab, did you know that? And now what do I get in return? Gratitude? NO. You’re fucking punishing me for staying with you. For getting ‘caught’ on camera being the good guy. Ugh!!!!” Austin had slammed down the phone and then paced the living room, punching the wall.  

Hannah collapsed on the desk sobbing, and when she calmed down and tried to look up, she would see the corny twelve step slogans framed on the wall and start crying again. Because part of her knew he was right, that it was unfair to use recovery as an excuse. But she was also convinced this was the best thing for both of them. Definitely for him. The fact that he had ended up paying for her rehab only solidified how wrong she was for him, how he deserved better. She’d had no idea, her lawyer Sheila had told her that her health insurance had covered it, but she had left all the details to Sheila. Who Austin had probably subsidized as well, once she started to think about it, realizing how little the legal invoice had been. She hadn’t even questioned that at the time. You’re a fucking idiot. And so is he, I wish he had kept his fucking money to himself and let me go to whatever shit hole the Motion Picture Health & Welfare insurance would have covered. 

Sitting n her father’s Honda, Hannah pulled the collar of Austin’s hoody tight, letting the faint smell of his cologne comfort her. The break up conversation felt so fresh it could have been yesterday instead of three weeks ago, probably because she replayed it over and over again in her head. The intervening days had gone by in a blur, going through the motions of putting on a brave face, finishing her phrase three preparations, doing whatever she had to do and saying whatever she had to say so she could leave. She’d have to be careful, she knew now that because Austin had paid for her stay, he probably knew he was out, and his house was only 15 minutes down the coast from her father’s mobile home community. That is the first thing, figure out a new place to live.

Avi gave her a soft, sweet look as he unloaded her luggage. “You look like you could use a cup of tea, Noodle. And perhaps a meeting.” Hannah smiled weakly, her heart breaking as she considered how much it probably hurt her father to see her like this, how worried he probably had been after the arrest. 

“Yeah pop.” She jumped out of the car, and took the other suitcases out of the trunk, following Avi into the trailer.

October 31, 1991

Playboy Mansion Halloween Party

The sound of the waterfall broke up the cocktail chatter as Austin felt the ice cube in his glass hit his teeth, the smooth whiskey warming his throat as he gulped it down. He pulled on his white silk tie, straightening it over his pink dress shirt. He ran his fingers through his long blonde hair, and looked over at Emilio chatting with a Latinx bunny in a cute Kelly green corset with matching bunny ears. He rolled his eyes as Emilio asked her flirty questions, using is had to wave  her over to him and pointing in his empty glass.

“Alma, is it? Keep ‘em coming, okay sweetheart?”

Emilio shook his head in mock disgust. They’d met on the set of Austin’s first movie in 1988,  he’d played a the main villain, a frat boy that Estevez’s character was investigating for murder. The Playboy Mansion wasn’t really Austin’s scene, but Emilio and Rick, a producer they both knew, had invited him and he pushed himself to get out of his house and come mingle. It was hard to distinguish the bunnies from the starlets and aspiring actresses dressed up for the Playboy Halloween Party in some sort of costume that involved a corset with heels. There was corset Wonder Woman, corset black cat, corset witches, was that a corset cow girl?

An hour or so later, he was mindlessly nodding in conversation with his friend Rick, Rosie Perez, who had  played the role of Jagger’s first wife, and a few bunnies whose names he didn’t really catch when he felt a strong hand slap his back, and turned to see Keanu Reeves behind him. 

“Butler,” he said, softly, and Austin turned to shake his hand as Keanu’s arm lingered around his shoulder. His smile was open, vulnerable, but there was a mystery in his stoic eyes. “So, still knee deep in the editing bay?” Keanu grinned, then stepped aside to grab a glass of champagne from a waiter walking by.

“What?” Austin sipped his own drink, watching as Keanu lit a cigarette.

“You’re girl, I met her on Point Break, she here with you?”

“Oh right,” Austin emptied his glass and slammed it down, looking around for a waiter or bunny, suddenly very very thirsty. He had only met Keanu in passing at aa few events, and had been so preoccupied with his own film project he hadn’t really paid much thought to Hannah’s work over the last year.  “Yeah, we actually just split last month…” 

Keanu blew cigarette smoke up into the air, shaking his head. “There was something about her, man, those tits, am I right?” 

Austin frowned, then pushed Keanu lightly in the chest. “Hey man.”

Keanu’s eyes narrowed, and a dry smirk formed across his lips. “Yeah, no I get it. Must have been some good snatch if you’re still hung up on her. Tell me, did the curtains match the drapes?” Waggling his eyebrows, his voice was dry, sincere and earnest, Keanu’s grin widened as Austin pulled back his fist and jabbed him in the face, his dark hair flopping as he staggered back, laughing, as he lunged forward and landed an uppercut in Austin’s chest. Seconds later Austin was pulling him down on the ground, and they rolled on top of each other needing, kicking each other until Austin landed over him, and was about to pummel him again when the strong arms of security guards pulled him off and escorted them both out of the party. 

Standing at the front of the mansion’s gothic Tudor front building, Austin rubbed his chest as he waited for the valet to bring his car around, he looked to his side as Keanu stood there, wiping the blood from his cracked lip.  Keanu laughed, and went toward a black Porsche that was being brought around.

“Hey Austin, I’m sorry man, I was just fucking with you. I’m in a weird head space tonight, c’mon, let me make it up to you. I know just what you need.”

“What about my car?”

“Leave it, it’ll be here in the morning. “

Still buzzed, even though the fight had sobered him up, Austin shrugged and thought to himself, why the fuck not, as he leaned to sit passenger seat next to Keanu and they roared off down the hills toward Sunset.

Keanu lit another cigarette, and tapped a speed dial on his car phone.

“Hey, Polly? Hey it’s Josey Wells,” he winked at Austin, and whispered, “code name,” grinning at Austin’s confusion. “Yeah, hey, yeah, I’m wondering if its too late to put in an order for the night? Yeah. Something red, and thick. Mhmmm. Yeah, that’s the one. Send it to my house.”

Austin sat back, and rolled down the window, watching as they winded down Sunset toward the ocean.

Walking towards Keanu’s front door, Austin took in the collection of motorcycles in his garage. They were in a canyon in Malibu, up above the Pacific Coast with a view of the ocean.

“You know I live just down the road, I shoulda followed you…. So, you gonna keep me in suspense or what?”

Turning on lights, Keanu walked to his bar and poured them both drinks. 

“You know, I’ve been in love. I know what it is to have your heart broken. Bad. Like where it hurts just to think about her. I can see it in your eyes, amigo.”

Austin drained his glass, tilting his head back he closed his eyes as he breathed deeply, and unbuttoned the top of his shirt, loosening his tie. He took his white sport’s jacket off and draped it over a chair. Turning to Keanu, he pursed his lips, jaw tensing. “OK, so?”

“Well, the best way to get over someone is to —”

“Start seeing someone else. Yeah, I’ve heard from all my friends. Problem is, I don’t want to date anyone else.”

Keanu walked to his fridge, and grabbed a bag of frozen peas, which he placed over his face as after he lay down on his couch. Austin followed, listening to Keanu’s dry voice emanate through the peas.

“Exactly. Which is why the best way, the actual best way to get over someone, is to find a hooker who looks just like ‘em, work out all your issues through sex. It’s very cathartic, trust me.”

Austin’s sullen face transformed to a bright beaming grin, his cheeks squeezing up as he exploded in laughter.

“You cannot be serious.” Austin’s bottom lip hung down in disbelief.

Keanu looked up from the bag of peas at Austin, who was now sitting in a leather chair across from him

“Hmmm… just wait, she’ll be here any minute. Trust me, Polly Fleissman is the best madam in this town. First one’s on me.”

Austin stroked his chin with his right thumb and forefinger. “How much is it?”

Keanu grinned like a giddy school boy, “S’ $1500 a night… and worth every penny.”

It was midnight when Keanu ushered in a white, red headed woman with curly hair, about the same height as Hannah, plump and voluptuous. It distinctly was not Hannah, but he would have done a double take passing her on the street. The tell was how clean cut she looked in a simple, expensive beige drape halter dress, and her sexy, confident voice, greeting them, introducing herself as “Jacqueline, but you can call me whatever you like.” Welcomed her in, offered her a drink, and the pulled out a small bag of white pills from his pocket, and held it up, jiggling the pills.

“I got some mitsubishis, what do you guys say, wanna party?”

Jacqui smiled, and stuck out her tongue. 30 minutes later, they were rolling, Austin’s skin was tingling, sweat lined his brow, and he kept swallowing. Keanu had put some low house music on, and Jacqui came to perch on Austin’s lap, her hands caressing his face, wiping the sweat from his brow, as his hands moved down her body and under her skirt, just the touch of her skin made the blood rush to his cock, he pulled on her red curls with his other hand, telling her how she was the most beautiful girl in the world, how he loved her, as she giggled, and kissed his neck, her hand moving to his pants and finding the outline of his erection. Stroking it, she whispered, “Does that feel good baby?” Austin nodded, looking into her eyes, then looking up as Keanu joined them, his own hands settling over Jacqui’s neck. He winked at Austin.

“I think we’d be more comfortable in the bed room, eh?”

Jacqui stood up, taking Austin by the hand, they followed Keanu together into a dimly lit master bedroom, the walls were a light grey, and the bed was a dark metal, very modern, with black sheets, pillows, blankets. Shirt off, Keanu stalked to Austin, and put his bar arm around Austin’s shoulder, messaging his neck was they watched Jacqui undress. Keanu’s hands stroked the back of Austin’s neck, and he leaned into, groaning, he felt like Keanu fingers were drawing out all the negative energy in his body, in his brain, replacing it with golden light that was making his skin glow. Looking over at Keanu, it looked like his pale, white body was gleaming with an otherworldly iridescence.

“Keanu, fuck, I love you man, I think you’re my best friend.”

Keanu’s hands moved from Austin’s neck and snaked around his chest as his chin pushed into the top of Austin’s shoulder, a low chuckle on Austin’s ear as he pulled into him. 

“I think the e has kicked in… so, AB, ever been to a Hawaiian pig roast?” 

Austin turned to Keanu’s cheek, shaking his head.

“No? Well I’m gonna show you how to skewer a live one from both sides.” Keanu winked, and kissed Austin roughly on the cheek, thens stepping back towards the bed. Jacqui giggled as Keanu beckoned her to him, his long nose dipped down to nuzzle her bare heaving breasts. She wasn’t wearing a bra, just beige lacy panties, and her alabaster skin shone in the dim light. Completely uninhibited, Austin couldn’t get his clothes off soon enough. He watched with an open mouth was Keanu dipped down, slowly removing Jacqui’s underwear, then looking over at him as he unbuckled his belt, pulled down his pants to reveal his thick, stiff manhood, then jumping on the bed, scooting back towards the headboard and beckoning Jacqui to follow with his finger. She turned to look at Austin, smiling, her breasts bouncing as she climbed on the bed with Keanu. 

“Coming?” She giggled.

Austin’s long, blonde hair swayed as he nodded, watching as Jacqui’s ass lifted up in the air while she leaned down to suck Keanu’s cock. In that moment, Austin eagerly followed, watching as Keanu’s raven hair hit the bed frame when the actor leaned back, eyes squeezed shut, uncontrollably biting his lower lip as Jacqui’s head bobbed up and down on his length. Austin rested his hands over the roundness of Jacqui’s bottom, kissing her right cheek as his left hand took hold of the other.

“You sure this is ok with you?” His voice wavered, his blue eyes met Keanu’s as he grinned, pulling on the mess of curls above Jacqui’s head for her to pause.

“It ok with you if my friend there roasts you from the other end?”

Jacqui grinned, and turned her head over her shoulder. 

“Such a gentleman… hmmmhmmm… I think I can take it, big boy. Let me make you feel good.” Austin laughed, it was cliche, but high, every word was a sweet sensation and he went for it. Her skin was electric, and he bent his lips down below her cheeks to find her entrance, kissing at her lips, which he noted were waxed, bare, silky smooth, unlike Hannah’s wild mane, and his tongue sought out her clit easily between the soft, manicured folds, moving up and down as her body rocked with the rhythm of her mouth gliding up and down Keanu’s dick. The breathy sound of a feminine groan joined Keanu’s murmurs of “fuck” and “take it” and “oh my god this feels amazing….”  Austin moved one finger, and then another inside of Jacqui, messaging her open and searching for her pleasure point as his tongue flicked over her nub, smiling into her and pulling her ass up as he felt her twitch under him. It was not long before Jacqui cried out, and Austin was pulling his lips off her, and straddling her from behind, thrusting in and out of her pussy, slowly at first, the sensation heightened by the ecstasy, the excitement of the threesome, and the way her body and the bouncing mess of red hair conjured up his intense longing to be with Hannah again. 

Keanu looked at him over Jacqui’s writhing body between them, Austin’s lips puckered in an growl as he rolled in and out of her.

“Who ever whips his cream first has to pay for the pizza,” Keanu grinned, his eyes narrowing, and Austin chuckled, happy for the distraction because he was just on the edge, and Keanu’s conversation jarred his attention. He slowed down his pacing, and looked at Keanu, shaking his head.

“Man, you are crazy.” That night Keanu paid for the hooker, Austin paid for the pizza. But Polly Fleissman, the Hollywood Madam, would soon begin to get a steady stream of revenue for her services from Austin.

The next time Austin fucked Jacqui they were alone in a suite at the Chateau Marmont during what would become regular Thursday night consensual role playing sessions. Calling her Red, he would take out his frustrations with Hannah as he pummeled into the prostitute from behind, talking in a low, gravelly voice as he thrust into her, slapping her ass, pulling her shoulders, holding her head down into the pillow.

“Do you feel that? You fucking bitch. That’s how much I fucking love you… how could you do this to me. To us.” Austin groaned. The release as he came inside Jacqui was immediate. Addictive. And never fulfilling as it was with Hannah. Austin missed her brown eyes, innocently looking up at him, her voice teasing but her body and movements untrained, completely charming in how awkward or stilted she was. He missed that moment, with Hannah, when he could see her expression change, from being guarded to the moment she gave up her pretenses and opened up for him, her eyes filled with pure adoration. Austin couldn’t bare to look Jacqui in her eyes, at least not while her fucked her, especially with the degrading way he usually spoke to her.  Jacqui was not shy, and she never blushed when she undressed, making sounds of approval whether Austin railed her aggressively until the sound of him slapping into her cracked through the suite, or whether he licked her soft and tenderly.

He paid double to have her visit him on Thanksgiving, having her suck his dick, and then, for a change, Austin motioned for her to get on top. Was their rocking motion increased, he put his hands around her neck, lightly choking her, calling her a selfish bitch, and then ordering Jacqui to punch him and tell him what a bastard he was. 

“Tell me.” His right squeezed tighter around her neck, and his left hand pulling on her red curls and then tracing down her back to slap her ass, his biceps flexing as he grasped her up and down faster towards his chisled abdomen. “Tell me, tell me I am a spoiled, mediocre yuppie, a hack, a fraud, an empty vessel with no. creative. talent. TELL ME. Tell me you hate me!”

Jacqui’s face darkened, and then she repeated the list back to him in a condescending lilt, her performance somewhat contrived, a watered down rendition of a melodramatic scene from Dallas or Dynasty. Then she punched him, soundly smashing her right fist into his left eye socket and Austin came shortly after, groaning out like a man possessed being exorcized from his demons. As soon as he was sated, he was pushing her off him, looking ahead as he stalked off to the bathroom and dismissing Jacqui with a “You can go now,” without looking back. Sitting on the toilet, head in his hands, he wept and swore he was done with this. No more. But then the next Thursday, he would find himself back in his regular suite, fucking Jacqui into the wall from behind while he whispered all of Hannah’s character defects in her ear. 

Austin spent November and December distracting himself from his the gnawing need to find Hannah, throw her over his shoulder and head for a secluded cabin somewhere remote where he could have the space and quiet and solitude to make her understand that they could be happy and good and healthy together. They needed to be together He knew it would be different if he could just talk with her in person, but he felt guilty for the way he had acted when they broke up. The way he belittled her recovery. Her career. The way he threw his payment for her rehab in her face. The only person he trusted to talk about this stuff with was his sister, Ashley, and she convinced him to leave Hannah alone for a few months, give her some space to get back on her feet, and possibly forget the way he had  hurt her over the phone to retaliate for the way her decision had pierced him, seemingly coming out of nowhere, and to Austin, making no sense.

So, inside of kidnapping his ex girlfriend, Austin fucked a high-end prostitute that looked like Hannah and focused on work. He met with his agent Brett to look over scripts for his next project, finished up final voice over for Jagger and mapped out his promotion schedule for the film with his assistant, Alex.  Humoring Min, Austin went out to several parties and events with dates she arranged for him, taking Halle Berry to the premiere of Cape Fear, Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford’s wedding, and planning to take her to the premiere of their film the week before it was released nationwide on Christmas.

Alex was also under a strict Hannah assignment to update Austin on her whereabouts, to the extent that he was able to. Sometimes, late at night, relaxed driving home from a meeting at the Chateau, Austin would drive by the trailer park at Point Dume, circle around the nearby grocery stores and coffee shops on the off chance that he might catch a glimpse of Hannah from afar, but he never did. So, he bided his time, checking in with Alex daily for any news.

December 26, 1991

Westwood Beach, Malibu, CA

Tide was out, and the slow rhythm of the small waves lapped up Hannah’s shins, leaving her legs cool and wet and sinking into the sand below them. She sat at the shore, hands under her thighs, looking out at the infinite expanse of the sea. The waves grew in size, and she sat there, waiting for one large enough to knock her down so her head was under the water, the salt water enveloping her. She willed the waves to wash her away into the night, staying under water until she couldn’t take it anymore, before finally jumping up and screaming at the moon. As a teenager, she would sneak down here at night to smoke pot, fantasizing that the golden reflection of the moon on the silvery waves was a faery path that would take her up into the sky, away from the dismal mortal life she inhabited on earth. Back then, the worst thing in her life was AP Bio and her unrequited crush on Rick Schlessinger, the object of much angst-ridden poetry written while sitting on the beach, smoking cloves and summoning all the pain her sixteen year old self could muster. That seemed like a cake walk compared to today. 

She had quit smoking when she got home, Avi hated it. Her father was a quiet man, when he wasn’t working as a sound editor in town, she would find him on the sofa in their small trailer overlooking the bluffs, reading science fiction next to a pot of tea and a stack of chocolate dipped biscuits. However, he did turn to her two days after she moved in and explain that he would rather see her doing heroin again than smoking cigarettes. Hurt, indignant, but also humbled by the very real need to save her money and live back at home, Hannah kept her mouth shut and quit smoking. Avi’s quiet British sarcasm was all it took. Apart from that, they got along, and her father reverted to his den mothering ways, cooking dinner most nights and queuing up classic movies on the VCR for them to watch and analyze as they ate. Their love language was film criticism, it was the main vehicle for most of their meaningful conversations. 

Hannah spent her days pounding the pavement, and looking for work. She visited some of her friends from college, reached out to a few directors she had worked with, saw her uncle Abe, the executive at Paramount, and the reoccurring feedback she got was  to lay low for a few months, let the tabloid story recede, and then she would get some traction. In the meantime, she found a job in Vancouver, a Canadian friend from college had started a company editing for the new booming television industry up there that took advantage of those sweet sweet Canuck media tax breaks. She was set to leave for Vancouver in three days.

Hannah had flown up to Vancouver in early November, got the job, and started making her arrangements to leave. Then, a week later, she noticed that her breasts were more sensitive than usual, and gasped when she realized she hadn’t had her period in a while. Like, a while a while. Hannah was not one for tracking her cycle, she didn’t keep a calendar, she was on the pill so she didn’t worry too much. But the minute the thought crossed her mind she knew, she knew before she drove to the drug store and bought the test. She knew before she handed the test to Robin a waited for her friend to read her the result. She knew because she hadn’t bought tampons since she got home from rehab. According to her gynecologist, she was eight weeks pregnant when she found out in mid-November. Since then, Hannah had been in a holding pattern, avoiding dealing with this new reality in any meaningful way. Her sponsor had lectured her to tell Austin, no matter what her decision was, she was supposed to be living a new, honest life, and she shouldn’t try to manage his emotions or reality by keeping it from him. But she couldn’t bare to call him. The OB went over her choices with her, it was 1991, not 1961, but cautioning her that she really needed to make her decision before the end of her third trimester. Just like she had known she was pregnant, Hannah had already known what her decision was. 

“So,” Robin asked, at brunch with Hannah and their other friend, Sarah the Sunday before Thanksgiving. “ I thought you were pro-choice… we just signed up to campaign for Bill Clinton….”

Theoretically, Hannah had always thought that if she got pregnant before she was ready, or not in a committed relationship, she would just have an abortion. But theory didn’t take into account how she actually felt when it actually happened in actual real life. What Hannah really wanted was a time machine to go back and not get pregnant at all. She knew she couldn’t go through with an abortion, and but she was terrified of having a baby. 

“I am pro-choice. Emphasis on choice, Robin. Fuck…. You know I promised Avi when I was 15…”

Robin gasped.

“What do you mean you promised your dad when you were 15? That you would never have an abortion?”

Hannah nodded. “Yeah, it was the only sex talk we ever had. Driving a long PCH one day, he turned to me and told me if I ever got pregnant, he would raise the baby. I guess Georgie had two secret abortions when she was a teenager. The women in my family ….we are pretty fertile, I guess… I managed to somehow get knocked up on birth control…”

Robin shivered.

“Anyway,” Hannah continued. “My mom didn’t tell him until years later. She always regretted it. He always regretted it. Also, apparently a psychic once told my father she saw more children in his future…”

Sarah chimed in, “Well of course we’ll support—”

“Wait, you feel like because some psychic told your father —” Sarah slapped Robin. “I mean, yes, of course we will support you. And if you want to keep working, well, Austin just gonna have to shell out some of that movie star money for a nanny…”

Hannah sighed, picking apart the paper straw wrapper on the table. “I don’t know if that is exactly the approach I want to take when I tell him… I don’t want him to think I’m using this to get something from him… I need to be able to support myself, no matter what. I mean, obviously I need to tell him…”

But she hadn’t, and now she was at 14 weeks, and moving to Canada for work. In three days. But it was only for four months on a new TV series based on the Highlander movie. So, in theory, she could go work this job, come back at seven months pregnant and then have the baby here in LA. Maybe even pick up another job before the baby came. How hard could it be, she was already sitting down all day anyway? And what about after that? Where is your theory then? Fuck fuck fuck a duck.

“Stop being a pussy and just bite the bullet.” She said out loud. “Just call Austin.” 

Wet and shivering in the cold (for California) January air, Hannah felt the nervousness in her chest tingle and move to the top of her shoulders. “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

Walking back up the hill from the beach to Avi’s mobile home, Hannah looked down at her waist, her swimsuit under an oversized Les Mis shirt Austin bought her in London. She didn’t really look pregnant yet, the bottom of her belly hadn’t started to bend upward and expand. Her ankles looked thicker, but if you didn’t look at them every day, you probably wouldn’t know.

The longer Hannah put off calling Austin, the more awkward the prospect came, and she found herself flying off to Vancouver without calling him.

taglist @powerofelvis ​ @woundmetender ​ @slowsweetlove ​ @xstrengthxinxtragedyx ​ @cryingabtab ​ @whositmcwhatsit @artlover8992 @crash-and-cure @daffieapple @eliseinmemphis

[andrinanightshade1]

Midnight in the Garden of Longing

(E, 3 chapters, 15.4 K)

Locked away in a tower with the King's mad daughter, Rey's only reprieve is a hidden and magical garden. It is her solitude, her sanity, her sanctuary.

But as she grows older, the garden awakens other desires in her... And what will happen the day a stranger stumbles upon her hidden sanctuary?

Read it on AO3

[rebrandedstoryline]

Rebranded: Master Link

The Master Link where I’ll be storing all of the links to the Rebranded Storyline chapters. Because I need to post them all separately or they won’t appear in the search function on tumblr :/

Prologue - One - Two - Three - Four - Five - Six - Seven - Eight - 9.1 - 9.2 - 10.1 - 10.2 - 10.3 - 10.4 - 10.5 - 10.6 - 10.7 - 10.8 - 10.9 - 11 - 12.1 - 12.2 - 12.3 - 12.4 - 13 - 14.1 - 14.2 - 14.3 - 14.4 - 15.1 - 15.2 - 15.3 - 15.4 - 15.5 - 15.6 - 15.7 - 16.1 - 16.2 - 16.3 - 16.4 - 16.5 - 16.6 - 16.7 - 16.8 - 16.9 - 16.10 - 17 - 18.1 - 18.2 - 18.3 -

[fulltestbank]

Test Bank For Calculus: Multivariable, 12th Edition Howard Anton

TABLE OF CONTENTS   PREFACE ix   SUPPLEMENTS x   ACKNOWLEDGMENTS xi   THE ROOTS OF CALCULUS xv   11 Three-Dimensional Space; Vector 657   11.1 Rectangular Coordinates in 3-Space; Spheres; Cylindrical Surfaces 657   11.2 Vectors 663   11.3 Dot Product; Projections 673   11.4 Cross Product 682   11.5 Parametric Equations of Lines 692   11.6 Planes in 3-Space 698   11.7 Quadric Surfaces 705   11.8 Cylindrical and Spherical Coordinates 715   12 Vector-Valued Functions 723   12.1 Introduction to Vector-Valued Functions 723   12.2 Calculus of Vector-Valued Functions 729   12.3 Change of Parameter; Arc Length 738   12.4 Unit Tangent, Normal, and Binormal Vectors 746   12.5 Curvature 751   12.6 Motion Along a Curve 759   12.7 Kepler's Laws of Planetary Motion 771   13 Partial Derivatives 781   13.1 Functions of Two or More Variables 781   13.2 Limits and Continuity 791   13.3 Partial Derivatives 800   13.4 Differentiability, Differentials, and Local Linearity 812   13.5 The Chain Rule 820   13.6 Directional Derivatives and Gradients 830   13.7 Tangent Planes and Normal Vectors 840   13.8 Maxima and Minima of Functions of Two Variables 845   13.9 Lagrange Multipliers 856   14 Multiple Integrals 866   14.1 Double Integrals 866   14.2 Double Integrals Over Nonrectangular Regions 873   14.3 Double Integrals in Polar Coordinates 882   14.4 Surface Area; Parametric Surfaces 889   14.5 Triple Integrals 902   14.6 Triple Integrals in Cylindrical and Spherical Coordinates 909   14.7 Change of Variables in Multiple Integrals; Jacobians 918   14.8 Centers of Gravity Using Multiple Integrals 930   15 Topics in Vector Calculus 942   15.1 Vector Fields 942   15.2 Line Integrals 951   15.3 Independence of Path; Conservative Vector Fields 966   15.4 Green's Theorem 976   15.5 Surface Integrals 983   15.6 Applications of Surface Integrals; Flux 990   15.7 The Divergence Theorem 999   15.8 Stokes' Theorem 1008   A Appendices   A Trigonometry Review (Summary) App-1   B Functions (Summary) App-8   C New Functions From Old (Summary) App-11   D Families of Functions (Summary) App-16   E Inverse Functions (Summary) App-23   READY REFERENCE RR-1   ANSWERS TO ODD-NUMBERED EXERCISES Ans-1   INDEX Ind-1   Web Appendices (online only)   Available in WileyPLUS   A Trigonometry Review   B Functions   C New Functions From Old   D Families of Functions   E Inverse Functions   F Real Numbers, Intervals, and Inequalities   G Absolute Value   H Coordinate Planes, Lines, and Linear Functions   I Distance, Circles, and Quadratic Equations   J Solving Polynomial Equations   K Graphing Functions Using Calculators and Computer Algebra Systems   L Selected Proofs   M Early Parametric Equations Option   N Mathematical Models   O The Discriminant   P Second-Order Linear Homogeneous Differential Equations   Chapter Web Projects: Expanding the Calculus Horizon (online only)   Available in WileyPLUS   Blammo the Human Cannonball -- Chapter 12   Hurricane Modeling -- Chapter 15         Read the full article

[cryptonews256]

Core Scientific Mined Over 1,400 BTC in December Despite Bankruptcy Filing

Core Scientific Mined Over 1,400 BTC in December Despite Bankruptcy Filing

Core Scientific mined more bitcoin in December than November and increased its self-mining hashrate. One of the leading bitcoin mining companies – Core Scientific – mined 1,356 BTC in November and 1,435 BTC in December. It also boosted its self-mining hashrate from 15.4 EH/s to 15.7 EH/s. The positive performance comes even though the company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection at the end…

[mycryptoposts]

Core Scientific Mined Over 1,400 BTC in December Despite Bankruptcy Filing #cryptoposts #crypto #usa #business #money #success #cryptomarket #money #bitcoin #forex #investment #millionaire #wealth #invest #trading #cryptocurrency #investing #finance #forextrader #financialfreedom #crypto #investor #blockchain

[mubashirnews]

Core Scientific Mined Over 1,400 BTC in December Despite Bankruptcy Filing

Core Scientific Mined Over 1,400 BTC in December Despite Bankruptcy Filing

One of the leading bitcoin mining companies – Core Scientific – mined 1,356 BTC in November and 1,435 BTC in December. It also boosted its self-mining hashrate from 15.4 EH/s to 15.7 EH/s. The positive performance comes even though the company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection at the end of December last year. Over 1.4K BTC Mined The US-based firm produced 1,356 and 1,435 self-mined BTC…

[ahnewsworld]

Core Scientific Mined Over 1,400 BTC in December Despite Bankruptcy Filing

Core Scientific Mined Over 1,400 BTC in December Despite Bankruptcy Filing

One of the leading bitcoin mining companies – Core Scientific – mined 1,356 BTC in November and 1,435 BTC in December. It also boosted its self-mining hashrate from 15.4 EH/s to 15.7 EH/s. The positive performance comes even though the company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection at the end of December last year. Over 1.4K BTC Mined The US-based firm produced 1,356 and 1,435 self-mined BTC…

[data-bridge]

Metrology Services Market 2028 by Products, Types, Procedure, Applications, End-users

Industry Analysis

Metrology services market will reach at an estimated value of USD 15.4 billion by 2028 and grow at a CAGR of 6.75% in the forecast period of 2021 to 2028. Increase in the security and safety concern is an essential factor driving the metrology services market. 

Additionally, the credible Metrology Services Market report helps the manufacturer in finding out the effectiveness of the existing channels of distribution, advertising programs, or media, selling methods and the best way of distributing the goods to the eventual consumers. Taking up such market research report is all the time beneficial for any company whether it is a small scale or large scale, for marketing of products or services. It makes effortless for Semiconductors and Electronics industry to visualize what is already available in the market, what market anticipates, the competitive environment, and what should be done to surpass the competitor.

 

Get a Free Sample of The Report: https://www.databridgemarketresearch.com/request-a-sample/?dbmr=global-metrology-services-market

 

Market Insights and Scope            

Metrology services are the type of services which are offered to the industries for the purpose of measurement. It helps the organization to improve their productivity without affecting the requirement of the resource and they are extensively used in application such as aerospace, industrial, automotive, power generation and others.

 

The wide-ranging Data Bridge market report covers an array of aspects of the market analysis which today’s businesses call for. This market document also defines a chapter on the global market and allied companies with their profiles, which provides important data pertaining to their insights in terms of finances, product portfolios, investment plans, and marketing and business strategies. This market research report is generated with a nice blend of industry insight, talent solutions, practical solutions and use of technology to advance user experience. An outstanding Data Bridge market report puts light on many aspects related to Semiconductors and Electronics industry and market.

Get full access to the report: https://www.databridgemarketresearch.com/reports/global-metrology-services-market

Industry Segmentation

Metrology services market is segmented on the basis of product and application. The growth among segments helps you analyse niche pockets of growth and strategies to approach the market and determine your core application areas and the difference in your target markets.

On the basis of product, the metrology services market is segmented into coordinate measuring machines, optical digitizers and scanners.

The metrology services market is also segmented on the basis of application into automotive, aerospace, industrial, power generation and others.

An influential Metrology Services Market research report displays an absolute outline of the market that considers various aspects such as product definition, customary vendor landscape, and market segmentation. Currently, businesses are relying on the diverse segments covered in the market research report to a great extent which gives them better insights to drive the business on the right track. The competitive analysis brings into light a clear insight about the market share analysis and actions of the key industry players. With this info, businesses can successfully make decisions about business strategies to accomplish maximum return on investment (ROI).

Industry Share Analysis

The major players covered in metrology services market report are

Hexagon AB, Carl Zeiss AG, Renishaw plc, Nikon Metrology Inc., Quality Vision International, Optical Metrology Services Ltd, Perceptron, Inc., Intertek Group plc, Dimensional Metrology Services., Marand Precision, Verus Precision Ltd, CREAFORM, East Coast Metrology, LLC, Metalock Engineering Group, Metrology Services, Inc., Rice Lake Weighing System, Roberts Metrology Services, Precision Optical, Covalent Metrology Services, Greywall, Inc and Apex Alabama among other domestic and global players. Market share data is available for global, North America, Europe, Asia-Pacific (APAC), Middle East and Africa (MEA) and South America separately. DBMR analysts understand competitive strengths and provide competitive analysis for each competitor separately.

Market Country Level Analysis

The countries covered in the metrology services market report are

U.S., Canada and Mexico in North America, Brazil, Argentina and Rest of South America as part of South America, Germany, Italy, U.K., France, Spain, Netherlands, Belgium, Switzerland, Turkey, Russia, Rest of Europe in Europe, Japan, China, India, South Korea, Australia, Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia, Philippines, Rest of Asia-Pacific (APAC) in the Asia-Pacific (APAC), Saudi Arabia, U.A.E, South Africa, Egypt, Israel, Rest of Middle East and Africa (MEA) as a part of Middle East and Africa (MEA).

Get TOC Details: https://www.databridgemarketresearch.com/toc/?dbmr=global-metrology-services-market

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About Us:Data Bridge Market Research set forth itself as an unconventional and neoteric Market research and consulting firm with an unparalleled level of resilience and integrated approaches. We are determined to unearth the best market opportunities and foster efficient information for your business to thrive in the market                                                                                                                                                                      

Contact: Data Bridge Market Research Tel: +1-888-387-2818   Email: Sopan.gedam@databridgemarketresearch.com

[krixwell-liveblogs]

Guys, you’re giving Bonesaw ideas (and they’re beautiful).

[rainfrazier]

Are you past chapter 15.4 yet?

yep i’m up to 15.6!