#ch: ✿ lacey mitchell.

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APPEARANCE → LACEY MITCHELL

FACE CLAIM: maia mitchell. HEIGHT: 4′10. BUILD: small, very skinny. usually very pregnant. HAIR: falls just below her shoulders, usually worn like this. FACIAL HAIR: none. HAIR COLOR: dark brown with undertones of blue. EYE COLOR: dark blue. DOMINANT HAND: left. ACCENT: australian. PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: none. ALLERGIES: morphine. FASHION: usually wears leggings with a jumper and converse. unless it’s exceptionally hot, then she’ll wear shorts with a tank top.  PIERCINGS: nose, left ear, right ear, smiley, collarbones, nipples, tongue, frenulum. TATTOOS:  all here

[romancevsreality-blog]

bachelor in paradise, season four, episodes five and six: oh, someone on this show has a real job?

When I remember that this show is in its fourth season I’m kind of shocked. Season four seems to be in its own universe. It doesn’t seem real - perhaps because in my mind, this show was cancelled for a bit - but this season doesn’t fit in with the glorious tackiness of the first three seasons of Fuck Island: The Worst Is Yet To Come. We don’t have an obvious villain, we don’t have a couple to root for, we don’t even have any real comedy that isn’t shoehorned in. It just feels like we’re watching hidden footage of a horrible college Spring Break with a frat and sorority house. It’s lost its initial spark primarily because these people all associate with each other off camera too, so it’s not like they can’t try something later on. There’s no excitement or intrigue. It’s just another reality show intended to be a “peek into another world”.

I miss back when they were strangers who thought people were hot because of what they saw on TV.

Back at the villa, the guys are still in control this week - Taylor & Derek are set, Jasmine & Matt, Kristina/Dean/Danielle are having their own thing, and Jack and Alexis might have a thing. Alexis definitely isn’t into Jack the way Jack is into Alexis, and I’m okay with that. Jack might not be, but Alexis and I are okay with that. There’s a weird scene where Alexis blindfolds Jack and tries to feed him gross things, and Jack actually gets upset when Alexis tries to feed him a gross crab they found. They all try to play it off like he’s being a party pooper but he’s pissed.

Jasmine remains obnoxiously aggressive, asking Matt for massages and talking about choking him. I want her to calm down. Meanwhile, Christen arrives, and I still cannot understand how a Ch spelling = K in pronounciation. YOUR NAME IS KRISTEN OR IT’S CHRISTINE BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH. It’s so obnoxious to see, so I’m just going to go with any variation of Kristin/Kristine/Christine I feel at that moment.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Christen: Someone whose name is spelled like a dumbass.

We’re supposed to remember Christen as being a virgin, and somewhere Ashley Iaconetti is crying because someone is trying to come for her crown and she can’t lose Jared and her virgin status (but not her virginity) in the same year. No, sir. Jasmine is determined to establish herself as Queen of Paradise and basically tells Christine that all the guys are amazing except Matt. Don’t talk to Matt. Christen declares she’s going to take Matt on a date because that’s who she’s interested in. She also uses AAVE when making fun of Jasmine, my least favorite white-girl trait.

At this point Kristen’s makeup is so smeared she looked like she was shot with the Simpsons makeup gun1 and she’s been in paradise three hours tops. Matt comes over to talk to Cristin, interruping JACKSTONE’s time with her. Qistin tells him that Jasmine pissed on his leg already and Matt’s like, “uh, I ain’t attached to shit.” Kristain tells him he’s very attractive and Matt gets openly flustered like he hasn’t been told that before.

Sorry, Matt. You’re a hot dude.

Kristyn asks Matt on her date. He says yes, even though Jasmine thinks he’s going to say no. Whoops? Matt’s certain that he’s going to give his rose to Jasmine, but he wants to keep his options open. Matt asks Jasmine how she’d feel if he went on this date, and Jasmine entirely rejects the notion that he’s entertaining the idea. Jasmine’s trying to be the cool black girl and passive aggressively is like “have fun, have a GOOD TIME. I’m not MAD. It’s not like she’s going to get his rose, she’s so stupid, stupid Kristine.”

All the girls are like “Wait, you’re not mad?” And Jasmine keeps being really passive aggressive and ranting about it. “She’s wasting her time, they’re not going to have fun.” That passive aggression turns into actual aggression when Jasmine decides that no, she’s going to confront Christian because she’s convinced Kristien lied to her and said she wouldn’t ask Matt out on a date. Jasmine accuses her of being a snake and being slimy because Kristan knew about Jasmine and Matt and has all along - even during the filming break - and she went ahead and did it anyway.

What Jasmine fails to realize is that Matt is the one who told Criston that he wasn’t fully committed to anyone. If Matt had confirmed what Jasmine had said, the situation wouldn’t be like this2. Jasmine doesn’t want to recoginize what’s become glaringly obvious - Matt ain’t into you, girl. Sorry. Jasmine can only describe Christyn as “slimy” and Raven and Taylor talk to Krysten about how she really did nothing wrong.

And she didn’t.

CHRYSTINE AND MATT LITERALLY GO TO A BANANA STAND on their date and I scream. Arrested Development references abound. Meanwhile, back at the villa, we learn The Tale of Scallop Fingers.

Scallop Fingers originated in Ben’s season when Chrysten was in a van with a bunch of girls and got a to-go container of scallops. Scallops are smelly as hell and no one gets them to-go. I don’t know why this story made me nauseated, but here we are. I think this entire season has made me want to barf. Anyway, Kristan was eating the scallops with her fingers at at some point slapped her hand in laughter on Alexis’s shoulder. It’s as bizarre as the “he looked at me while eating a banana” story from this season of The Bachelorette. It’s so obvious the girls regard Christan like they do Lacey - they find her annoying.

I mean, I do too, I’m tired of the “My Personality Is Being a Virgin” trope being played out constantly on reality TV. A lot of her behavior is eye roll-inducing, but so is Jasmine’s. They’re both terrible.

Jasmine is literally so drunk at the villa she can’t stop talking about what a slimy snake Kristinn is. I wouldn’t be shocked if someone found her hunching like Gollum under a tree muttering to herself about Matt and Khristyn and how shitty their date would be. Everyone at the house thinks its going to be a massive shitshow when they come back because Jasmine’s been drinking tequila, and tequila makes me mean, so I can only imagine what it brings out in Jasmine.

As soon as Matt returns from his date, Jasmine tries to climb him. Literally. I’m not joking. He’s not into it but she’s so drunk it kind of doesn’t matter. She dismisses herself and Matt and Krustyn go have drinks and eat shrimp. Uh, that doesn’t hlep the Scallop Fingers thing, Kristan. She walks down with literally shrimp in her hands hugging Sarah and Amanda. COME ON. REALLY.

Someone decided that having My Ex-Boyfriend Wells being the narrator this season wasn’t annoying enough, so they decided to give him a puppet. I’m so glad I broke up with him.

Meanwhile, Jasmine has found out that Matt and Kirsten made out in the ocean and Jasmine rightfully flips out. Everyone - including Dean and Kristina - are like, “Girl, you done fucked up now.” Why are they all afraid of her?

Oh, wait. She’s one of two WOC on this entire island so they need to portray her as aggressive and scary, this is The Bachelor.

Anyway, Jasmine finds out that Matt and Kirstyan are making out in his bedroom and she goes down to have a nice cockblocking session. Or so he thinks - they’re not in the room togeher, she’s upstairs eating tacos.

Meanwhile, Robb(ie) is still DTF with Amanda Never-Shoulders, but she’s too focused on keeping shirts off of her sensitive shoulders to be anything more than friends with him. He’s put some glow sticks in the hot tub because all he wants to do is kiss her face. Amanda pretty much doesn’t know know to tell him she doesn’t want to date him, she just likes him as a person3 and so she ducks his kiss when he tries to kiss her. He claims that’s “mixed signals” and I’m concerned about what a regular signal would be for Robb(ie). This is how rape culture starts.

Blah blah blah, love triangles with Sarah/Adam/Raven and Kristina/Dean/Danielle. Tl;dr: no one feels safe and the dudes want to have their cake and eat it too.

Meanwhile, Taylor and Derek have fallen madly for each other. They’re literally making out under a canopy and they’re trying to work out how things would be post-Paradise. When Taylor mentions that Derek is the type to shut down instead of talking about what’s going on in his life. He flatly says “Fuck you” to her when she mentions this, and she’s not okay with that. Taylor shuts down and immediately is like, “Well, I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

Uh. I get it. I hate that I get it, I get it.

Taylor’s been in emotionally abusive relationships before, so she shuts down when she sees that behavior recurring. I can understand that - I have a whole bucket of triggers and behaviors I have to explain - but Taylor goes about it in a really roundabout way. She basically flips out and decides they have to break up. It bleeds into the next day, and it just seems like... she just might need a break. A nap, if you will.

Going into the rose ceremony no one has any type of clue what’s going on.

Adam and Dean are both leading on women and telling them what they want to hear, which makes me hate them both.

Diggy has barely spoken to Lacey since Dominique made her way on the scene, and Lacey’s reaction is so OTT I don’t understand it. She tells him she’s upset that he went on a date with Dominique right after their date, and without checking in with Lacey. She spent one afternoon with him and she’s talking about feeling disrespected and disappointed. He’s not ya boyfriend, Lacey. You can’t tell him he’s not the person you thought you knew because you barely knew him. Diggy tells her he’s giving his rose to Dominique.

I don’t feel bad for her.

Taylor and Derek finally make up. She wants him to be able to process his feelings out loud instead of in his brain. He apologizes, and things are Gucci4.

Meanwhile, Khrystin (who can’t walk in her sandals on the sand) and Matt sit around and talk. Matt didn’t know what he expected in Paradise, but it wasn’t... this. Matt tells Khristine that there’s no way that she’s getting his rose tonight, unfortunately. Jasmine hates Rose Ceremonies because she’s anxious for what’s to come. Matt’s happy he came to Paradise buuuuut... he’s going home. He’s leaving Paradise. Jasmine cries.

Oh no. What to do?

Literally we get 5 minutes of Jasmine and Kristeen crying. And then the two of them jumping on JACKSTONE because he’s the only one with a free rose as of that moment.

And then...

Enter Daniel, AKA Candy Lambz.

Oh, god.

End Act One.

Enter Act Two.

Y’all I get that we’re supposed to be surprised, but Daniel, whose body literally looks like a bunch of grapes, is the apple in your bag of Halloween candy kind of surprise. It’s okay, but it’s not like, I dunno, a bottle of vodka or something.5 Basically, now that Daniel’s there, all the girls without roses get thirsty. Daniel literally calls the leftover girls “scraps” and Lacey swoons.

Why is it unsurprising that Lacey is super into dudes who treat her like shit? Of course she likes the guy who behaves as if being mean and “honest” is actually “super funny”. It’s also such a trait for mediocre white men. Lacey calls him “witty and smart” and I barf. Come ON, Lacey.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Daniel: “Colin Kaepernick should be in jail!”

Both Kryistyn and Jasmine are going after Daniel’s rose and he’s so aware of it. Both of them whine about Matt to him, but Jasmine even moreso. She claims she was “dumped” which is hysterical.

The rose ceremony starts:

Daniel gives his rose to Lacey.

Jack gives his rose to Cryistin.

Matt comes back!!!!! He literally seems miserable. He came back to give Jasmine his rose becuase she deserves it, not because he’s coming back for her. She accepts his rose with the happiness of a petulant child.

Derek gives his rose to Taylor.

Robb(ie) gives his rose to Amanda.

Diggy gives his rose to Dominique.

Adam gives his rose to Raven.

Dean gives his rose to Kristina.

Ben Z. gives his rose to Danielle.

Sarah and Alexis are going home, and... well. I don’t care.

The next day, some Mexican Wrestlers come in and wake everyone in the house up in order to deliver Candy Lambz a date card. Lacey’s sure af that Daniel’s date card is for her, but he wants to play the scene for a bit. His conversation with Krsysitidfsdin immediately shifts into virgin territory, Jasmine can’t stop talking about Matt. Of course he’s into Kristina but she’s too much of a goddess for him and he’s just... Candy Lambz.

But he decides to go on a date with Lacey. Good for her.

The next day, Jonathan/The Tickle Monster/Buster Bluth arrives. He says the word “tickle” so many times within a 3 minute span I’m concerned it might be an actual fetish and not his “schtick”. He’s wearing a shirt with palm trees on it and I don’t hate it, but he still looks like a mannequin version of Andrew Garfield. All the girls say he’s better looking in person and oh, yeah, he’s a doctor. Let’s not forget that tiny detail.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Jonathan: FUCKING TICKLING GOD I HATE TICKLING IT’S THE GOD DAMN WORST

He sits down with Chrysteyn and they hit it off right away - they kiss pretty much straight away and he gives her his date card.

Meanwhile, Lacey and Daniel’s date is luchador wrestling, which I guess is a way to get Daniel shirtless, something I don’t understand why anyone would want to see. Back at the villa, Dean remains the worst. Basically where he’s at is that he likes Kristina, but he wants to bang Danielle. He’s not that crass about it, but that’s the general sentiment. Dean and Kristina slept together the night before, Kristina is all in, and Dean’s just... the worst. He’s been distancing himself from Kristina because he doesn’t know how he feels.

It’s totally fine to be unsure, but Dean’s constantly asking Kristina to be patient until he gets to fuck Danielle is different. He’s not unsure about anything - if he doesn’t do it, he knows he’s missing out on someone who really fucking likes him. He likes how much Kristina likes him, but clearly he likes Danielle more. Kristina is nothing more to him than his backup in case it doesn’t work out. She’s his safety school.

Dean is a weenie. Deanie Weenie Bugle Boy From Company B, he is.

But also: KRISTINA GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER. Dean will keep sleeping with you if you keep sleeping with him! He’s not going to come over and console you when you’re watching him and Danielle play chicken in the pool! He wants to make out with her and bang her a lot while he bangs you still! He’s not a good guy. He’s a bad guy who’s convinced himself he’s a good guy, and that’s even worse.

Krystyn and Buster Bluth sit down to dinner, and it’s so obvious that Chrysten is only interested in him because he’s so successful6. Jonathan has a shirt on with flamingos and I... kind of dig Jonathan’s style. He’s got good beach looks.

Who the fuck keeps giving Wells puppets? Stop it. I know this is his Bachelor audition but god damn it just STOP.

They finally show people eating on this show, and of course, it’s Kriston eating scallops. I hate this franchise. For some reason the show wants us to care about Qryisten and her love life and how she’s now in a love triangle with Buster Bluth and JACKSTONE.

Meanwhile, Dean remains a fuckboy who cannot keep his hands off of Danielle in front of Kristina. Kristina cries to Robb(ie) about feeling disrespected and she literally says the orphange she grew up in is preferable to Paradise.

That’s ice cold, Kristina.

Next Week: Kristina and Raven are getting INTO IT. Krysten finds out about “Scallop Fingers”. Jaimi arrives and of course they assume she’s going to be interested in both boys and girls because she’s bisexual. And ugh, the twins. God, why?!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I’m also disappointed that Chris Harrison isn’t in a robe drinking a mimosa in the opening credits.

The girls from Nick’s season are the fucking worst. I’m sorry.

I’m embarrassed for Jasmine.

WHY IS NO ONE GOING AFTER BEN Z

Matt is the person Dean’s trying to be but Dean wants to be on TV more.

Also, I refuse to believe Jasmine is 26. She’s in her 30s. She has to be.

I just realized that Wells totally thinks he’s Seth Cohen from The OC and it’s definitely his most unlikeable trait.

Has anyone else noticed that Kristina only talks to her guy friends about her Dean issues? I have a feeling it’s because her other friends are tired of hearing about it.

I’ll talk about our new Bachelor in tomorrow’s installment!

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Jasmine has a poor idea of what makes “good television”. She says, “YOU WANT GOOD TELEVISION, ABC? I’LL GIVE YOU GOOD TELEVISION!” and then storms in and... eh. It’s not great. ↩︎

Why? He’s literally human hair gel. ↩︎

That is, tacky and overrated. ↩︎

I had a strange childhood. ↩︎

I also love that Kristyn came in with sleek, flat-ironed hair and gave up on that shit right quick. ↩︎

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