#ch: f. carlucci.

[surviveds]

it hadn't been an immediate leap, but eventually, he and will began venture out further and further on their scouting missions; hours became days became weeks that they're gone. felix's hard limit has been two weeks at a time, and even that length unsettles him - but they need to understand their surroundings. they do have the caches of data taken with them in their initial flight from the research base, coupled with the insight of indira and her people, who know the lay of the land even better than the CR reports - but it's different to hear it secondhand or read it from a brief; he needs to see it himself. leo and hope and will all recognize this about felix, and understand it; maybe it helps make him feel a little less guilty each time he leaves. but it doesn't ever lessen the homesickness that hooks into him as the first night passes into the second day, that only grows like the waxing moon.

the only thing that cures that is this: his arms around leo, who's always beaming when felix and will come home. felix sinks into him, the contact never failing to make him feel small again - but it's not a bad feeling. being enveloped by @doomdays makes him feel safe, and he doesn't want to leave that safety just yet - so he doesn't. instead, he murmurs into leo's shoulder, "hey, dad," the smile in his voice entirely evident.

[survivedsarchived]

“so... you've been spending a lot time with him.” it's intended to only be a casual observation, but felix can't keep himself from grinning. he feels fairly confident he understands what's happening here, but he won't assume - at least, he tells himself he won't. it could be nothing, but he knows his father, his past, and felix knows it's not that.

though he still briefly feels the same residual shock when reflecting on it that he'd felt when first learning about leo and lyla, it hadn't taken too long for felix to understand it; now, a deep sadness cuts through felix every time he thinks about what leo went through with her. garrett doesn't seem to be a repetition of that, but felix still hasn't fully learned to trust himself and his instincts again (there's still a mark of betrayal that mars his heel, healed, but not gone - the stark white of a scar will remain forever).

he feels the need to protect settling into his hands, and felix can't help the way his voice shifts, tone suddenly reminiscent of the one utilized when he'd conduct intake interviews. “is it serious?” @doomdays

[survivedsarchived]

the jest feels warm and familiar and there's a moment where felix feels eighteen again - when he had been wary still of his new home, with its bed that felt too crisp and sheets that itched his skin, but the sight of leo and kari had always made him smile. he'd thought then that surely he must have some memories of his (former) parents like that: hands entwined, shared giggles in a kitchen full of light and the scent of a homecooked meal, but if felix ever saw cliff and alessandra like that, the recollections must have been worn down, reshaped, replaced with the coldness that had afflicted them both in the years before he left. it's a stark contrast to how he remembers kari - always bright and in color, so vivid sometimes that it hurts. there had been one evening when leo and kari shared a kiss at the table, after the conclusion of some story kari recounted for felix, something within her words moving leo to affection - it hardly ever seemed to take much to motivate him, really - and felix had playfully balked, the same scrunched-face, teasing digust hope and iris displayed, the natural reaction to seeing such intimacy from your parents.

that had been the moment he understood just how much they meant to him.

it's a similar sensation he feels now. (there's the concern that's expected of his position as the one responsible for their safety, of course; though felix doesn't sense a threat from garrett, he won't allow himself to relax: not after the mistakes he made, and what came from it - tony's blood is on his hands, too, as much as it had been on huck's.) garrett isn't kari, and he never will be - but he's not nothing, and it eases some of the worry, however temporarily, that felix constantly feels pressing down on his shoulders: here is something new and bright, something to celebrate. and felix is happy for leo.

“it's my job to notice things,” felix returns, stated matter-of-factly. there aren't ten thousand souls here he bears the responsibility for here, but it's his family - and he approaches their security with the same diligence as the campus colony. so he watches; he makes notes. but it's predominately as leo's son that felix speaks to him now.

felix crosses his arms across his chest, lip jutted out in consideration. he knows what feeling leo means, and he can't help but think of will, and how terrified he had been, in those early days and weeks, when he didn't understand that feeling and had nearly pushed will away because of it. there's some sense of shame about it, upon reflection, but there's more dread, at knowing just how close he came to ruining one of the best things he's ever had in life.

leo doesn't seem in danger of that. felix scrunches his nose, mimics leo and tilts his head to the left, shrugging. “he seems like a good guy,” felix replies. but it's inaccurate, unfair; garrett is a good man. felix knows this, and he doesn't want leo to think otherwise. “i mean - he is.” felix, unconsciously, adjusts his hands so that they can touch, his index finger resting atop the tattooed ring. “-you know how i was with will.” he pauses, sighs, taking a beat to work out how to say what's on his mind. “and i know you must be nervous, after... lyla. i was nervous with will for different reasons, but i still think i understand.” felix unfolds his arms, extends a hand to grab leo's, and squeezes his fingers tightly - an act of affection that he'd never envision committing when they first met. now, it comes naturally. “you told me to listen to myself when it was me and will. i'm gonna say the same to you, if you need to hear it. and, you probably don't need me to tell you this, but - he likes you, too.” felix flashes a grin. “you don't need my keen observational skills to see that.”

leo was expecting this conversation to happen eventually.  he and felix have never been here before,  at least from this side: father and son bonding over a potential blossoming romance.  he’s sure felix would have caught him when he and lyla first started seeing each other,  too —- and it was something he thought about often,  how he wished he could just talk to felix,  ask him what he thought about her and look to him for advice on how to navigate it.  he tries not to think about how much different things could have been if he was around — felix was always good at reading people eve despite what he went through with his best friend;  maybe he could have saved leo from the eventual heartache to begin with.  

still,  he’d been anticipating this,  and mostly,  hoping for it.  it’s still new to him,  and he hasn’t found an easy way to just come out with it yet — but of course felix has taken it on himself.  it brings a bright smile from leo’s features,  eyes looking back at felix with affection reserved just for his kids. 

❝  and you’ve been spending too much time worrying about what i’m doing,  ❞   he taunts, his grin only growing to show him he’s joking.  he feels bashful,  but in a good way.  felix was the first person leo went to on his last anniversary with kari before she passed,  quick to ask if he thought he was doing enough and what he could do better.  he misses those days,  when it felt possible he and felix could navigate their roles as father and son easily —- before felix was thrown into co-parenting alongside him, all the while leo was still trying to protect him,  too.  maybe they can find some kind of normalcy again.  he hopes so;  will is already a son to leo,  and maybe garrett can truly be part of felix’s life,  too.  

❝  i don’t want to get ahead of myself.  but—  ❞    he takes a moment, his head tilting to the side as he reflects,  smile softening with adoration for the other man in question.  ❝  i’ve got that—- feeling.  ❞    his eyes squint, recalling a time when felix first told him about will.   ❝  a feeling that this could be something really, really good for me.  for all of us.  i’m trying not to get caught in my head about it,  but you know how it can get up there.  ❞  he takes a deep breath,  far away from the teasing he started,  now easily falling back into something more serious with felix.   ❝  but i like him, felix.   there’s no questioning that.  ❞    his past with lyla lingers in the air between them;  he wants to bring it up,  settle those nerves that he’s sure they both feel —-  but he’s patient before getting there,  leaving this moment for garrett now. 

[survivedsarchived]

@doomdays: ❝ it’s not like we’re never gonna see each other again. ❞

if iris harbors any doubt about this journey, felix can't see it. her eyes only burn with fierce determination and the strength he's always seen within her that's only brightened these past few months - it seems unshakable now, ever-present; it leaves him in awe. felix knows she's more than capable, but that doesn't mean he won't worry - the road to portland is long and unknown and there's no real way of knowing if portland will even be there when she arrives.

his mind spins with the variables and possibilities as felix delicately refolds the map along existing creases, mindful of how worn it's already become, fearing the words and color blurring more. in case you need to find me, iris had said, and felix felt his tears begin anew, fresh tracks cutting through streaks already dried. there's the pulse of a headache beginning in his temple, gaze cast downward to study his own hands - battle-rough with fading bruises, a small cut that's pink at the edges as it slowly heals. he should look up, cherish every second he has to see his sister - but it feels too much like conceding that this could be the last chance he gets to do so.

“maybe we should go with you.” we, because he can't imagine parting from will again. (he can't imagine being separate from leo or hope, either, but they've already settled into their research - and after all that was lost to keep it from the CRM, felix knows neither of them will walk away from it.) the thought of his boyfriend prompts his eyes to catch on the ring drawn in marker round his finger, fading slightly in its current impermanence, and felix makes a mental note to correct that - to maintain its shape until it can become permanent. felix clears his throat; draws his mouth to a thin line as he says, “you don't know if the route you mapped out is even viable. what if you have to take a detour? then this-” he holds the paper up, almost accusingly, “is useless.”

[survivedsarchived]

“we should be close.” the map spread across the car’s rusted trunk is rendered with an artist’s hand - one of a dozen that indira’s people have given them, the perimeter and its immediate surroundings mapped with exquisite detail. felix traces lines with a gloved thumb, chewing on his inner lip, brow furrowed; he’s silent for a moment, then he glances at will, a scowl beginning to crease the corners of his eyes. “or... i read this wrong.”  he feels his frustration welling, a breath catching in his throat, released in a strained groan; stepping back, he rests his hand instinctually against the s-pole in its hilt, squinting in the sun as he studies their surroundings.

the road curves ahead, blockaded by long abandoned cars - but there’s no signs within sight. great. “maybe we need to find higher ground. get our bearings.” / @doomdays​

[survivedsarchived]

@doomdays​: haven’t they taken enough from us?

“i’m just thinking of what we have left.” he can’t help it: his gaze falls to will, sitting beside percy, the pair examining once again the finer details of their plan. so simple in theory, yet hardly ever in practice--- felix recalls leo saying something similar about science, though the rest of the conversation blurs, as it typically goes when leo begins to expound on his work.

but it almost threatens a smile now, even despite the soul-deep ache those memories always stir. only a handful of hours remain before they could see each other again, felix’s relief as enormous as his fear (fear that leo will be disappointed; that he’ll blame felix as much as felix blames himself for everything that’s happened to the girls.) they’re restless inside of him, expanding a little with each breath, every passing second, the tick of his watch like claps of thunder, and felix, rocking slightly on his feet, presses his thumb to the face of the watch, as if that’ll dampen the sound.

it feels like a lifetime before he can tear his eyes from will, slowly focusing on his sister again, so----- grown. iris seems so much older, and he can’t bury the pride that turns the corner of his mouth upward, a grin that cracks open the grim mask his countenance has become as the day passes to dusk.

“we have to be smart.” it’s not nearly as confident as he’d like, vowels stressed with pleading, almost, and again, he looks towards will, but briefly now. exhaling, felix lifts a hand, brushes his fingers gentle through her curls, before resting his palm against her shoulder. “-----i know you know that. but i gotta say it, right?” his smile turns melancholic, but his faith in her remains unwavering, defiant in his eyes. “i’m still your guardian, y’know. until i get you back to leo.”

[survivedsarchived]

not even will wrapped around him can make this feel like a (temporary) home. every inch of felix is pulled taut, a bow poised to fire, restlessness pulsing in his throat like a heartbeat, even and persistent. he feels a little like an animal rescued from the wild and brought to captivity; the walls seem more a cage than the supposed promise of safety. the real comfort is in will, the familiar weight of his hand against felix’s back, the scratch of his beard each time felix’s face brushes against his jaw as he shifts uneasily in his search for sleep, unable to find it.

that’s been his rhythm for the past half-hour, silence pressing against him, growing unbearable. every creak of the building makes his breath catch, heart seizing at each low murmur in the distance; it’s all too unknown, danger sensed on even the breeze blowing through the slightly-cracked window. he tries burying his face into will’s neck, tunneling his senses into will’s breathing and the feel of him, but something inevitably draws him out: a shifting floorboard, an errant sneeze. 

eventually, loudly, guiltily, felix sighs, the hand resting on will’s waist sliding up, fingers gliding to a halt atop his heart. “will?” it sounds so loud, felix can’t help but wince. “baby--- are you still awake?”   @doomdays

[survivedsarchived]

“so, the beard...” he brushes his fingers along will’s jaw as he speaks. “---you’re planning on keeping it, right?”    @doomdays​ <3​

[survivedsarchived]

there’s an early-evening interlude where, typically, he’s alone in the office. shift change, routine patrol, dinner breaks--- they empty out security, one by one until felix is left alone in the quiet, sorting dutifully through a pile of complaints, singling out anything urgent, work that’s always quick and easy--- until tonight. his presence is difficult to ignore, despite the three desks between them and his back to felix (which felix can’t help but be a little thankful for, with how often he catches himself glancing upward, studying will’s broad shoulders, thoughts wandering towards his face---  if it’s a stoic expression he assumes when working, or if that playful smile present earlier makes an occasional appearance.) 

the end of his pen drums against the edge of his desk, measured and methodical, until it doesn’t, a sudden stop as felix stands, the scrape of his chair against the floor a screech in the room’s silence. he feels a rush of heat in his cheeks, but it feels a little too late now to do anything but continue: allowing impulse to guide him, slow and steady steps closing the distance. 

when his knee brushes against will’s desk, felix feels himself smile, arms folding against his chest, his black sleeve exposed. 

“i wanted to apologize.” it’s genuine, but there’s an eagerness in his tone, too; despite himself, his interest couldn’t be more apparent. “i was unnecessarily rude during the interview. it was.. unprofessional and out of line.”    @doomdays​ <3

[survivedsarchived]

@doomdays​: i’m just checking in on you.

“i can feel all of my fingers and toes,” he starts. the paresthesia that had settled in as his temperature began to rise has lessened, but there’s a tremble still in felix’s shoulders, rooted deeper than the cold; the same anxiety pulses in his throat like a second heartbeat, and when felix tilts his still-raw face towards leo, he knows it’s visible, exposed like a wound. “i’m pretty sure that’s a good sign.” that physically, at least, any damage was minimal, nonexistent------ beyond that lies an uncomfortable uncertainty.

“there was a moment... a few moments,” he corrects himself, meeting leo’s eyes, “----where i thought huck left me there.” 

(the name comes with ease; it seems impossible to think of her as staff sergeant mallick in this moment, when he needs her to be huck.)

the tears don’t register immediately, building until his vision blurs, two fingers fumbling to swipe them away; felix inhales, a stuttering breath, then exhales, only marginally steadier. “but i’m fine. or... i will be.” it’s a promise to himself and to leo, one he solidifies with a hand seeking out his father’s, felix squeezing his palm, a gesture he’s done in kind countless times. he clears his throat, then flashes a smile, quick, but no less authentic. “are you? i assume dinner was...--- well, hope and iris seem upset.”

[surviveds]

it doesn't need to be said, but felix appreciates it regardless, warmth swelling within him, a miniature sun come to life in his chest. he's glad to be worthy of leo's trust, even when it'd hurt (he never regretted once agreeing to care for his sisters, but that doesn't mean it didn't sting, to be left behind.) and each time he and will venture beyond the safety they've built here, he's asking leo to trust him again: not only that they'll return unscathed, but that they won't compromise their home. it's exactly why felix needs to be so familiar with the terrain: to be able to spot any intruders, CRM or otherwise. because maybe the military's fully retreated - but there's always the chance they haven't. and felix refuses to let down his guard while they're still a threat.

he's still pulled taut now, an arrow prepared to fire, a hypervigilance he hasn't been able to shake since their flight from the research base. felix feels a degree of guilt, at how absent he is from his family - so many miles and months to reunite, and he pulls will away on his excursions. leo's insight about hope worsens it for a beat, pulls felix's mouth to an undeniable frown, his chest aching for a handful of heartbeats like he's been punched, and he has to struggle against the feeling to suck in a breath.

it's a messy, slow recovery to being able to speak again, and when he does, his gaze is squarely on the floor, felix murmuring quietly, "i always miss her, too." it's then that he decides definitively that they'll take a break from the expeditions; it's an idea will casually floated on their trek back, felix replying with a noncommittal shrug - but maybe he was right. maybe it's the best thing to do.

and maybe it's easier to commit to it when he's actually back home, in the presence of all he leaves behind. a little courage seeps into veins, and felix manages to smile at leo, nose and eyes scrunching, as his arms cross, his thumb rubbing anxiously across a pink flower recently tattooed on his bicep. "maybe..." he starts, and almost immediately, his smile's widening, a beaming grin flashing at his dad. "maybe we could all have dinner with him soon? not tonight," felix says. "will's probably too tired, and i wanna give him a night to settle back in. but - tomorrow." felix raises a brow suddenly, tone turning inquisitive. "hope would be okay with that...?"

leo scoffs,  almost in amusement,  because he'll say the same thing to iris when she finally returns,  too:   ❝  I've never doubted you,  ❞    he reminds proudly,   a soft chuckle following.   it's the truth,  even when felix was younger,    and leo and kari where'd still trying to figure out what they could do for the kid   (   it was already decided,  though—    they knew he was about to be his son.   they were just waiting for felix to allow himself that life,  too.   )   

felix doesn't owe him any kind of defense;   he knew long ago that his kids were all bound to make something of themselves,  and he understood that didn't always mean that they'd be close by.   even he can understand it, personally,  given how long he was away from home—    stuck in a place they'd clearly been suspicious of for good reason,  long before leo himself ever was.   he trusts them all,  no matter how much he wishes they could all be together,  in one place,  building a home for themselves.    ❝  I understand.   hope was doing calculations, you know.   trying to anticipate the day you'd return.   I'll probably get in trouble for telling you,  but I think she missed you,  ❞   he teases,  his smile bright as he gives his shoulder a soft pat.    

he nearly asks if he was right,  if they found anything,  but the change of topic tells him all he needs to know.   his head lifts slightly,  and he offers a subtle nod before his lips turn into a small grin at the mention of garrett.   ❝  he'd be right.  it’s been nice.  ❞    he starts to smile,  because he can’t help it,  always giving himself away to felix before he can stop it.   ❝  — he’s been nice to have around,  too,  ❞    he adds,  before felix has the chance to ask.   

[surviveds]

you'd think he'd be able to recall the first time leo became dad - in name, at least - but felix truly can't remember when he'd first said it. it'd just seemed to happen, an immutable truth that he'd denied himself time and time again, a dozen excuses offered over the years, none of which he can even really remember anymore. there's still the occasional leo, of course, because it's not so easy to completely rid himself of a decade of habit, but even that sounds different; felix has always spoken to him with an unshakeable affection, even in those early months of getting to know one another, when leo took a risk and saved him - but that warmth seems to have grown, overflowing in him.

he melts so easily into his father's embrace. no scouting trip can ever compare to the distance and years that had separated them when leo had first agreed to the exchange, but the overwhelming relief when he and his husband come home feels almost equal to when he'd finally seen leo again at the base. he no longer cries at these miniature reunions, but he still feels the threat of tears stinging at his eyes, and felix has to rapid-blink it away, exhaling a half-laugh as he squeezes leo fondly.

"don't say you doubted us," felix teases, a grin growing as their eyes meet. "we really planned on coming back sooner, i promise, but..." he heaves a sigh, and the smile suddenly falters; the corner of felix's mouth twitches as he glances downward, scuffing his boot against the floor. "i thought i'd seen signs that people had been around, so we checked it out." fresh paths cut through patches of tall grass that had been undisturbed when they'd first passed by the fields; entirely possible the tracks were made by empties, but there was a precision that spoke to intelligence, and will had agreed. it hadn't taken long to follow the trail, to find those responsible for it - ripped apart by empties in a clearing.

it never gets easier, felix thinks, and once, he despised that - but he's become grateful for it. he doesn't want to become numb to it.

"-everything all right here?" it's hardly a subtle topic transition, but it says enough: he doesn't want to talk about it; not yet, at least. all he wants right now is to check in with his family. "garrett was on guard duty when we came into the perimeter. he said it's been quiet the past few days."

leo learned a long time ago that he was going to have to trust his kids to be able to take care of themselves.    leaving hope and iris to felix wasn’t just about having someone to watch over them,  though;    it was about making sure felix was taken care of,  too.    he and will are reunited now,   managing their scouting missions efficiently,   though leo never had reason to doubt them.   iris is still off ready to save the world — just as he always knew shew was capable of doing, in her own way —  and maybe her absence is what makes it a little easier to trust that felix will always return home eventually,  because he still believes he’ll see his youngest again,   someday soon.     still,  when felix and will do return,   it brings leo more relief than he realized he needed,  because he’d been paying too close attention to each day that passed,  waiting impatiently for his family to return — felix and will both.   

his hand rubs over his back in a soothing pattern, just as it always does,  and there’s a proud look on his features even as his face is hidden against felix’s shoulder.   the word ‘dad’ is something he never tires of hearing—   but especially from him,  because while he spent two years without his kids by his side,   he spent even longer waiting for felix to allow himself that privilege,  despite how persistent leo had been about giving him that permission.   he’d always seen himself as felix’s father,   since the moment he brought him in—   he was just waiting for felix to feel comfortable enough to say it,  too.    ❝  glad to have you back,  son,  ❞     he says,   giving his back a couple pats before he finally pulls back to look at him,  hands sliding to his shoulders and eyes examining felix’s feature,  as if to find all the answers from his trip in them.   ❝  we were starting to wonder when we’d see you again,  ❞    he admits,  careful not to say the word ‘worried.’  ❝  it all went well,   i hope?  ❞