#celebrate his graduation. if it weren’t for that i’d just haul my mother along for a 2-person trip lmaooooooo

[deus-ex-mona]

congrats to anyone who has graduated recently/will be graduating soon~~~ y’all did it!!!!!

[solecize]

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘. the boy you meet in detention, felix, doesn’t see colours. you want to gift his eyes with the kaleidoscopes and the rainbows of your world. the palette of your love story is supposed to bring together a work of art, but calamity lies beneath the canvas. 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆. felix x reader 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒. swearing 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓. 4.8k 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒. do i actually ever proofread anything that i write? also yes this is really late oops anyways i’d appreciate any and all feedback, comments, speculations, etc. i just wanna hear that u guys are actually enjoying this <3 pls and thank you

ORANGE. | PART II - “THE BEACH”

you lived that sweltering summer to the tune of jim morrison and the taste of ocean breeze kissing the tip of your tongue. those moments played back at the back of your mind like a film reel, the rainbows and glimmering lights of it all with felix. before that, though, a dark shadow loomed over and stood firmly in your way. the first challenge you were forced to tackle before embracing your newfound freedom, was tackling graduation. 

everyone hated graduation, save for their own few moments of spotlight, before they were rushed off the stage and reduced to trying to not doze off for the rest of the ceremony. it was an event for the parents of said graduate, rather that the newly finished student themselves. maybe that’s why some people made such a big deal out of prom, claiming it as “their night” and the “pinnacle of youth” or whatever other bullshit your classmates wanted to spew out in order to convince themselves that spending hundreds of dollars on one night was reasonable. obviously, you had skipped. that also meant that today really was a true goodbye to the last four years of pure lunacy. 

“don’t you want to take pictures with your friends?” your mom had asked, after you finished posing for what seemed like an hour for pictures at the front of the school. 

a myriad of graduates and their families teemed along the sidewalks and the parking lot and even just a few feet away from yourself at the entranceway. there were the mandatory pictures with the parents, maybe some with a favourite teacher, as kids held up their awards and flowers with stretched grins plastered upon their faces. you weren’t one of them, though you did get one decent award and a bouquet of forget me nots to show for it. 

you shrugged. “nah. it’s okay.” at that, your mom proceeded to shrug and was distracted momentarily by a fellow pta mom, as they engaged in conversation about the terrible speeches that they were forced to sit through.

the four or so people consisting of people you once considered your “group” were taking pictures in the other direction, doing the stupid jumping in the air pose, as one of their boyfriends was dragged into capturing the moment on someone’s hello kitty cased iphone. you rolled your eyes at the sight. they were crying, something about how they were going to be friends forever.

“what a bunch of saps.”

whirling around, the one thing that wasn’t forced that day was the bright smile tugging at the corners of your lips upon the sight of felix. the chances of finding him before the ceremony were slim, as you had overslept and were basically heaved and yanked and hauled into your parents’ minivan to make it to the graduation. when you finally met once again, your heart began to stumble and leap. 

even despite finding the entire occasion a snooze, you felt a little bad about sleeping right after you were handed your diploma. you missed felix crossing the stage and receiving his own. however, no such disappointment shone in his eyes, which were smiling at you.

you snorted in response. “tell me about it.”

giving him a once over, felix looked.  . .good. you never saw him outside of school and thus, never saw him outside of the ugly polyester uniform that he had no intention of actually wearing properly. he’d abandoned his cap and gown at some point, just left in a grey button up and black slacks. his over the ear headphones still hung around his neck.

“congratulations,” felix said, shyly shoving his hands into his pockets.

you couldn’t help but smile wider. “same to you.”

the two of you had yet to cross paths again since that day in detention. it was almost as if he’d begun skipping class as much as you begun to do so towards the end of the year. maybe a little part of you tried looking for him—you weren’t going to ever admit that—when you poked your head inside the detention room some days hoping to see him or lingered around paradise ice cream a little too long. 

but, you didn’t see him. felix came and went as he pleased, like a ghost. nothing was haunting about that smile, though, as you melted a bit under the sun because of it. you’d never met someone so genuine. 

felix leaned against the wall, peering over at the crowd forming in the parking lot. “you’re not going to that beach party everyone’s talking about?”

he really did listen. you, on the other hand, had no idea about it. frankly, you didn’t care and felix caught onto that quickly with your silent, indifferent shrug.

“your mom?” he questioned and pointed towards her. it wasn’t hard to see the resemblance, as you took after her well.

you nodded in response. “where are your parents?”

“oh, they went back to work. always busy, they were only able to leave for a few hours.” that situation tugged at your heart slightly, trying to imagine what that would’ve been like for him. at least felix didn’t have to go through the mushy traditions. 

a stuffy dinner party was in the works for you later that evening, with your mother calling up just about every relative within two hours away to come and celebrate your milestone. you wanted no part in it, preferring to jump face first back into bed and waste the rest of the day away watching tiktoks. felix made a confused face when you mentioned that.

“i can see why you don’t feeling like celebrating,” felix said, glancing around the streamer decorated walls, trying not to feel tiny underneath the intimidating ‘congratulations graduates’ banner hanging from wall to wall. “when you’re stuck around this place for so long, you’re just relieved enough that you made it out of here.” 

you blinked at him and after a pause, let out a soft chuckle. he’d hit it right on the nail. you didn’t even realize that yourself. 

“honestly? i can’t stand being here for another second.” you sighed, trying to cool down the blood beginning to boil. your patience was ticking and it seemed like your mom wasn’t going to tear away from her conversation with the other ‘can i see your manager?’ pinterest-loving, wine-drinking moms. 

“so don’t.”

biting back a snort, it was obvious that felix was used to just not being somewhere if he didn’t feel like it. however, he had no idea that he sparked an imaginary lightbulb to shine above your head. your eyes darted over to your mother, as your confirmed her lost engagement in her conversation. she wasn’t going to budge anytime soon and that gave you an idea. 

felix noticed the flicker of change in your expression and raised an eyebrow. “what is it?”

a grin spread across your lips. “say, felix.” you dug into your mom’s purse, which she had abandoned for you to hold while she left to talk to the other mothers. it didn’t take long for you to find it and you giggled when you came in contact with the cold metal. with a swift pull, you dangled the keys to your mom’s minivan in the air. 

“uh, yeah?” he cocked his head slightly.

“you got your license?”

in retrospect, felix never actually answered the question. he only said that it’d “been a while” since he was behind the wheel, but that didn’t stop you from suddenly leading the way to the honda odyssey with scratched on the rear from your practice driving from when you began doing so. maybe you should’ve caught on that he either never had his license or was warning you of how fucking bad of a driver he was. but you didn’t feel like getting in the driver’s seat in favour of controlling the aux, so you gave him that responsibility.

“let’s go for a drive. you got nowhere else to be, right?” it was probably a little cruel to guess that felix was not invited to the aforementioned beach party, but you’d already spoken the words. 

felix gave a mirror of your indifferent shrug and you grinned wider. 

“you know how i feel already about those guys. drinking cheap beer around a campfire isn’t really my idea of ‘having the time of our lives,’ yeah?” he replied. 

you weren’t sure what exactly took over and possessed you to basically steal your mom’s minivan with somebody you barely knew. maybe it was because of that feeling, the carefree feeling that zipped and danced through your veins like a breeze the last time you hung out with felix. it was unlike anything else you’d ever felt before.

a hint of hesitance painted over his face. “um, so where are we going?”

“you go out often?” the question was blunt, but you couldn’t help but ask, considering the surprise he wore when you invited him out after detention.

felix smiled bashfully. “no.” that was all he said, as the two of you made your way over to the old odyssey. “will your mom be okay with this?”

“huh? oh, hell no.” yet, you still unlocked the car with a click and gave an under hand throw of the keys to him.

the wash of uncertainty lingered on felix’s expression, as you opened the door to the passenger’s seat. then, he met your eyes and something shifted within his muscles and energy. warmth formed at the eye contact, gifting him with confidence to proceed. 

time was ticking and you knew that the two of you had to back out of the parking lot as quickly as possible, in order to remain unseen and undetected by your mother. you reiterated this to felix and suddenly, you were wishing that you didn’t.

“watch out!” you hissed, as felix reversed and almost ran over a former member of the hockey team. the said male began cussing at the car, which only prompted felix to get out of the parking lot in even more of a hurry.

swivelling and swerving around some stray individuals and other cars like a madman, it was a wonder that the two of you made it out and onto the street in one piece. it felt as though your heart dropped to the bottom of your stomach and was threatening to burst out of your throat. your breathing paused for the entire time. 

worse than a goddamned rollercoaster.

“oops?” was all felix had to say, as innocently as possible.

you allowed yourself to breathe, finally. the car was on the street and you were alive. hysteria bubbled at the back of your head and you began to giggle uncontrollably. felix looked over at your, eyebrows knitted together, before he, too, burst out into laughter. 

the car stopped at the first red light and you nodded at something in the distance. “straight ahead and then onto the highway.”

“where exactly am i going?” felix gave you a side eye, as you began fiddling with my phone. he glanced at it and raised an eyebrow, watching you scroll through your favourite early 2000s throwback playlist.

“take the exit for the beach.”

felix’s eyes nearly leapt out of his skull. “uh, are. . .are we gonna crash that party?”

you froze midway through your motions and began laughing once again, uncontrollably. but, felix didn’t react and you realized that he was being serious. you cleared your throat and paused.

“no,” you responded, in awe that he thought you were that rebellious. frankly, it wasn’t just that, but you were never going to carry those kind of guts. “screw that party. i know another cool spot on the beach, it’s kind of like my hideaway.”

and like that, felix shrugged and returned to his usual carefree demeanour. you thought about how much you dug that about him. then, you promptly shut that thought down because it came out of absolutely nowhere. plus, the two of you were still sitting in silence. not for long.

you turned on “ms jackson” by outkast and the two of you sung along to it. every. single. word. at some point, someone rolled down the windows and the wind began roaring in your ears and through your hair, but the only thing you could hear were your voice, straining to be heard at the top of your lungs. 

as the opening notes of “get ur freak on” began, you looked over to felix. the curiosity you felt must have been pronounced because he cocked an eyebrow at you. you continued staring at him.

“why are you here? you’re awfully trusting,” you chuckled, as you caught eye of the upcoming exit you were meant to take. 

he made the turn. “i’m bored. like you said, i don’t have anywhere else to go.” felix’s tone was light, but you felt bad about the comment. “plus, i’m the one behind the wheel. if anything, you’re the trusting one, putting me in this position.” you managed to snort at that.

“what, i’m not scary enough that i could be leading you to some crack house?”

felix smirked. “aren’t you the girl who volunteers before school hours to help the lunch ladies? the one who exclusively wore pink butterfly hair clips for two years straight? the one who wrote valentine cards for everyone in homeroom last year? the one with a pikachu—”

“okay, shut up. that doesn’t mean shit.” you scowled and he laughed at that. you didn’t realize that he noticed all of these little things about you, considering you’d barely spoken for four years straight and you tried to ignore the butterflies taking flight in your stomach as a result. 

he said, “senioritis really killed your soft side, huh?” 

“just a little,” you admitted. or maybe you were tired of being the good girl that everyone wanted you to be. something in you must’ve changed, like felix said, after ditching your long time friends and beginning to do things like skip class and warrant detentions. at this point, you were in way too deep and clearly, you no longer cared. high school was a chapter finished and you were perfectly okay with that.

the next song that drowned out your surroundings, just as the smell of sea salt filled your senses, was “we could be so good together” by the doors. the song was definitely not on this specific playlist as far as you knew, perhaps it was slipped in by accident when you were downloading your music. regardless, you kept it playing and you saw the way felix began drumming his fingers against the leather of the steering wheel.

“your influence, by the way,” you revealed and he smiled just a little brighter, if that was even possible. 

he said, “you remembered.” of course you remembered the way he lost himself in this band that day in detention on his stupid first generation ipod. how could you forget?

eventually, the beach emerged closer and closer in your line of sight. the traffic grew heavier, as the sound of trap music overcame the bluesy twangs of the doors. you rolled your eyes; the rest of the kids from your school had caught up.

“take the left here.”

“isn’t it a dead end?”

you shook your head no, they had long since expanded the street a few years ago. thankfully for you, the extended pedestrian way gave access to one of the best hidden gems in town. he didn’t argue and followed the direction.

felix turned up the music a little bit louder, even though you were now a little bit farther away from everyone else now. “i’d never thought i’d meet anyone as annoyed by everyone else at school until you.” 

“yeah—wait, turn onto this path there, don’t worry about the trees—aren’t we just quirky and different?” you snorted.

although it was still a path nonetheless, it was a little bit cramped for the heap that was your mom’s car. a wrinkle formed in between felix’s brows and you tried to relax the atmosphere by continuing to mindlessly sing to the music. he nervously hummed along. 

he blinked rapidly. "it looks like there’s no end. . .”

lush trees stood firmly on both sides of the path, dangling branches over in a wispy pose. sunlight weaved in and out of every open spot, creating a storm of sun on your surroundings. the taste of sea salt continued to dance in the air, though, dispelling any thought of suddenly finding yourself in a mystic forest. in the distance, underneath the voice of jim morrison, the sound of ocean waves commanded your ears. the car lurched up, tilting ever so slightly up to indicate the uphill drive. 

“why are you avoiding your parents?” felix asked out of nowhere, glancing at you and trying to not appear nervous at the path. 

“because today sucks. i don’t get the big deal.” you shrugged. “and honestly, i’m just a little bit overwhelmed.” your life had been moving in the fastlane for so long and upon the sudden closure, you ached for just a moment of relaxation. 

felix responded, with a thoughtful gaze to the distance. “yeah, i guess you’re right. same thing every year, just a new class of idiotic seniors forced out into the world on their own.”

eventually sunlight transformed from small dots leaking in from the weaves of branches and leafs into a full glaze from above. darkness disappeared and you were treated with a kiss of the bluest sky your eyes had ever laid eyes on. the tranquility came to an abrupt stop due to felix’s unpolished brake. he was in shock and that sacrificed your back because the two of you hurled forward in the sudden movement.

“sorry,” felix said, but neither of you chose to make a joke about his driving when this beautiful of a distraction presented itself in front of you.

the engine was killed and the music paused in one swift second. felix wanted to drink up his surroundings as much as he could. the two of you were perched on the top of a small hill, overlooking the rest of the beach from the height. even though you still remained on the same earth and balance as the people down there, it felt like you were far above. 

he managed to sputter out a low whistle. you grinned in response and hopped out of the car, trying your absolute best to refrain from stumbling in your heels. upon meeting the fresh air, you took a deep inhale.

“where the hell did you find out about this place?” felix looked around, eyes wide as he took in the view. 

you were not going to expose the fact that you were taken here the first time by a boy that wanted to hook up with you. he’d parked at the top of the hill, just as the two of you had just done moment before, hoping to get lucky before you swore at him and demanded that he brought you home. oh, freshman year. 

“i have my secrets,” you exchanged that embarrassing memory for what you hoped was a mysterious smile. “it really is beautiful, though, right? i feel like i’m on top of the world. the sky is clearer from up here and the ocean is, like, so goddamn blue. . .”

it was then when you remembered who you were with and your jaw snap shut after those words. 

he couldn’t know how blue the ocean was. felix probably wouldn’t have even noticed if it weren’t for your sudden reaction, but he only shook his head with a smile at your sheepishness. “it’s okay. don’t be embarrassed, people forget.” a lie, you guessed, as he’d mentioned so few people knew about his sight.

a weight of gloom settled at the pit of your stomach, but you pushed the feeling aside. he trusted you with the knowledge of his condition and you forgot to consider it. you bit your lip, raining down on the apologies, to which he just waved off. 

the male kicked a loose stone off the hill, watching it fly across the air and rocked into the deep, icy waters. “it’s really is beautiful, anyway. thanks for bringing me here.” 

“actually, you did the driving,” you grinned. “but, this isn’t all. you still trust me?” 

felix looked at you with a questioning regard and you took that as an answer. you had to swallow some fear down and the next thing you did surprised even you. you held out your hand and after a beat, he took it and intertwined your fingers with his.

his hand was warm and molded with yours to perfection. his skin was soft and pillowy, as if they’d been waiting for you for years to grasp. upon the grip, your hands became one and you wished to the clouds that you’d never have to let go. you took a glimpse of felix’s expression and you wondered if he felt the same way, trying to read the small small forming on his face and the light tint of pink glowing on his ears. 

then, you remembered what the hell you were doing and snapped out of your daydream. he locked the car for you and you led him down the hill, just a few feet back from where you were parked. there, you tugged him towards the smallest of entryways in between two trees, having to duck underneath some branches and step over some bushes to get through.

the path from there was clear, as shades of creamy corn coloured sand roughened up against your shoes and you dared to not sink into the ground with each step. it was one, steep trail that led straight into the land below, with waves just about stirring up against the sand. there was not much room to walk and you had to walk in front of felix for the two of you to fit. 

“hold on,” you said, as you wiggled out of your already dirty graduation gown, which you realized you should have abandoned at the car. you left to to lay on the ground, losing interest in it. 

felix gave you a once over. “that’s a nice dress.” did he just check you out? 

when you woke up that morning, almost afternoon, you were ill prepared for the day ahead of you. you jumped into the quickest shower of your life and nearly broke your fingers trying to braid your hair in record time. there was no room for daydreaming about what you were going to wear and you figured that it was going to be hidden underneath your graduation gown, anyway, so you grabbed the first thing in your closet, which was a yawn of an orange bridesmaid dress from a past wedding. it was a boring, floor-length with a sweetheart neckline and a semi-modest slit running up the leg. you’d ripped off the hideous bow on your way down the stairs, after not bothering with any makeup and from there, was hauled into the old minivan because you were already late. 

“what?” you laughed. “i hate this dress. i put on the first thing i saw and unfortunately, it was this abomination.” you thought your tone dripped with hatred, but felix didn’t look convinced. 

you climbed up onto some large rocks that marked the end of the path and tried to keep your balance. felix helped you steady yourself, hand still grasped in his and the other holding you by the waist. at that point, you’d also kicked off your nude pumps in favour of actually being able to stand. 

felix helped himself up on the rock, following your motions, and hopped over the rocks with you. you grabbed a handful of the tangerine fabric and pulled it up, at least caring enough to make sure that it didn’t get wet. the two of you landed together, just before a darkened entrance into a cave. the entry was concealed from the main beach, far too tucked away at the corner at every angle and only visible from hopping over the rocks.

“what colour is it?” 

the question was sudden and you gaped, as if you forgot how to speak. “huh?”

“your dress. what colour is it?” felix wasn’t even focused on the cave, his eyes still locked on you.

“it’s orange,” you told him. he nodded, his gaze not leaving, as if he were trying to memorize the sight. you frowned and put your free hand to his arm, beckoning him to continue following you. 

squeezing inside of the compact entryway, the two of you were introduced to the interior of the same golden sand that brushed against the waterline in a narrow opening at the very base of the cave. another gap was framed higher up, a bigger outlet that allowed most of the sunlight to stream in. 

“wow. just wow.” his hand squeezed yours just a little bit tighter, even there was no need to hold each other, now that you arrived at your destination.

you couldn’t help but notice the little things now. there were little fragments etched into the walls of different mineral colours, from the deep maroons and the slate greys and the rare navy blue. the small waves rushing in shone just a little bit differently depending on where you stood, just a little bit brighter or darker either way. even in the sand, there were bits of ivory for every handful of gold. they made the sight all the more gorgeous and felix couldn’t experience that. 

he noticed your sudden daze, staring off into the larger outlet and your mind miles away. that’s when you were hit with a wall of cold water, hand released from felix’s and your entire left side endured the splash. you gasped, whirling around to see him with an mischievous glint in his eyes. with the addition of a soaked arm sleeve.

“felix!” your jaw dropped and he responded with yet another splash. 

this escalated into a full on splashing match, until the two of you were completely soaked. your hair was dripping wet and felix’s sneakers were probably ruined. 

you also somehow also ended up tackling him to the ground.

that resulted in the unexpected position of being on top of him, as the two of you gasped to catch your breaths in between your hysterical bubbles of laughter. it took at least five minutes minimum before the two of you were able to inhale properly again. 

that didn’t mean you moved from your position, though. neither did he. felix wore a lazy smile and brushed a piece of wet hair out of your face.

“you ruined my dress. not so pretty now, huh?” you teased.

felix replied, “you said you hated it, i was just tryin’ to help you out.” he then paused for a moment, stumbling over his words. “plusimeantthatyoulookednice. notthedress.”

you weren’t sure if you were normal because you managed to actually understand his jumbled up words. you laughed off the blush heating up your cheeks and finally pulled yourself up, trying to hide it. sitting up, the two of you gazed up at the sky through the main gap in the wall. 

for the nth time that day, you decided to say “fuck it” and swallowed down your nerves. felix sat up, awkwardly running his hand through his grown out hair. he looked at you, seeing that it appeared as though you were struggling to say something.

“what’s wrong?”

you managed to choke it out. “can i kiss you?” some sort of monster, one that was definitely not you, had overcome your being because you were in shock that you actually just said that.

felix nodded without hesitation, which put you into even deeper of a shock. you didn’t even notice that you were already slowly leaning in and he, too, as he reached out to lightly touch your cheek as he did so. 

from a distance, the sound of music and laughter dallyed and with every passing second, a new wave of water rushed in. the smell of salt and summer lingered about. your orange dress was doused and at some point in the psudeo fight, your once tightly wound braids broke free into loose waves. none of it mattered when felix pressed his lips against yours. they were just as soft as his hands. 

[starjeno]

bloom | n.jm | 2

genre: angst | hanahaki!au pairing: student!jaemin x female!reader warnings: vomiting/choking, blood, mentions of surgery summary: jaemin suffers from a special kind of unrequited love — one that makes him choke out flowers. a/n: thank you for all the notes on bloom pt.1! i feel the love ♥ also, please drop into my asks/inbox because i’d love to make some friends on here :) flashbacks are in italics

jaemin doesn't know if he can last much longer here.

every meeting he has with you, he chokes out petals until it looks like someone spent the whole day figuring out if they were loved. he feels a constant dull irritation in his chest, and that paired with the pain of you makes him get annoyed easily nowadays.

you don't suspect a thing, though. jaemin said he had asthma when you asked about his shallow breathing, and he claims that he's suffering from a special non-contagious stomach virus, which explains the retching you hear from your bathroom when he comes over. you believe him because jeno seems to be fine around jaemin. there was no reason for you not to.

jaemin is graduating in a week. he's glad to be out of college, to finally be out in the real world, to explore new opportunities. your void feelings are what chains him back. sometimes, jaemin wishes he could be assertive and confess. he wishes he could seduce you, or just tell you everything so you would feel guilty and love him. jaemin knows it won’t happen. he’s too nice to do that. he loves you too much to pressure you, to make you feel something you don’t feel.

the white room would've looked menacing if it weren't for all the faux flowers planted around to lighten the air. jaemin has to force himself to not laugh: it's like the office was making fun of him.

his parents stand worried in the corner. jeno was muted on the phone. the doctor glances at his notepad again before staring at jaemin's lean frame, "surgery."

his mother gasps, but jaemin is suddenly curious, "what surgery?"

"we surgically get rid of the roots in your lungs and get the plant out of your throat," the doctor answers curtly, but before jaemin could respond, his parents cut him off and agree with the proposition eagerly.

"that sounds perfect! we'll do it right away!"

"what time sounds good for you, doctor?"

jaemin looks at the base of his knee as the adults hash out a schedule. the doctor pauses and clears his throat, "there are some risks, though."

everyone quiets as he continues, "hanahaki is a rare condition. there's not specialized knowledge about it. surgery might be a bit rough."

jaemin nods. he doesn't mind as long as he gets out okay.

"you'll also lose your feelings for whoever you love."

this makes jaemin pause. two years had passed since he first threw up petals. when mark had never asked you out, jaemin unexpectedly became your comfort and your newest friend. you were glad that you were finally getting along with a childhood acquaintance, and he believed that he would stop coughing up blossoms if he got close enough with you.

now he treasures you more than he thought he would. while vomiting is officially part of his daily routine, so is seeing you, and he feels like there would definitely be a hole if he suddenly lost his intense feelings for you.

"forever?" jaemin whispers and the doctor nods, "you will never love that person again. in some cases, it's been reported that you can never love again at all."

jaemin looks away. he likes loving you. he likes when his heart swells because of you. watching you try out new trends and play his video games and talk animatedly about the newest feud between two celebrities . . . his face flushes just thinking about you. he enjoys it all.

he's in love with being in love.

"can we hold off on surgery? how long can i last?" he asks. his parents seem shocked, hurt even, that he would want such a thing, but they stay silent. they're curious for the answer.

the doctor tilts his head in thought, "i'd say about 6 more years.

jaemin smiles bitterly, knowing he has two years left to go. he takes a long sip from his drink, lazily winking as he slams it on the counter, "i am a m-martyr!"

you tilt your head as you observe him, softly laughing at his drunken comments, "why's that?"

"i am dying for the greatest cause: love!" he shouts with pride. you slide under his arm, "let's go home, pretty boy."

"you are home," he murmurs against your head as you drag him across the parking lot. you somehow manage you slide him in the passenger seat without bumping his head on the top, and you quickly lock his side so he won't escape. while you buckle him in, he gazes at your features, eyes glazed over.

"what is it, jaem?"

"it's been 7 years since i met you," he grins, his eyes drooping. you pat his head and get settled, "crazy, huh? it'll be 70 more."

jaemin doesn't respond, his thoughts are so mixed with alcohol, love, and despair that no coherent thoughts make their way to his mouth. you take this as a sign that he's sleepy and hurry to his neighborhood so you could drop him off safely.

when you arrive, jeno is already outside, pacing worriedly back and forth. he helps you haul jaemin's body up the stairs to their shared apartment, "he doesn't normally drink this much, sorry. i would’ve come instead but i was busy tonight."

"it's fine! i'm just curious as to why he wanted to go to a bar in the first place. maybe finally leaving college has gotten him in the dumps?"

jeno smiles. he knows it's nothing close to what you suggest and he almost feels guilty for you not knowing a thing. he heaves jaemin off your shoulders and lays him in a bathtub, "i'll take it from here. have a nice night."

"you too!" you grin, prancing from the apartment. jeno runs the water through the showerhead, sobering jaemin immediately. a rush of actual vomit and blood spill from his lips and jeno struggles to stay calm as his friend shouts in pain.

the petals start flowing now in multitudes. it takes a moment for jeno to stop staring at the crescent-shaped curves that endlessly sputter from his friend's mouth. there's so many. jaemin coughs a bit more, his eyes and lips a stunning red, and suddenly gags up a flower.

jeno is mortified. it's a whole apple blossom, petals attached at the center. he lets it float with the rest of the mixed fluids around jaemin's body. his fingers work quickly to remove the clothes and clean the pale skin from stains, distracting his mind from the pearly flower bobbing up and down.

"oh, jaem," he sighs, placing his sticky, wet hands against his forehead. the water continues raining onto jaemin's body, which heaves with each breath. jeno doesn't like any of the options his best friend has. he knows he shouldn't blame it on you ━ you don’t intentionally hurt jaemin ━ but he fervently prays that you return his feelings soon.

he doesn't think he asks for much. so far, none of the gods have agreed. jaemin shivers whenever jeno touches him, cold and uncomfortable. he grips the handle, shutting off the water, and stares at jeno, "what should i do? tell me what i should do."

the brown water draining is the only sound in their small apartment, other than jaemin's groans. jeno feels like crying, "you have to get the surgery, jaemin. there's no other way."

"but i love her!" jaemin shouts, immediately clasping his hand to his mouth. he had forgotten that you were in the library as well, two aisles away from him. jeno glares at jaemin with shock, "you don't even know her."

"i'm getting to that, i am!" jaemin whispers roughly. jeno's scowl grows deeper, "jaem, you've wanted to go to that university for so long! how can you just abandon your dream?"

"i want to live, jeno! i want to live and love and if i can take any chance to get her to notice me more, i will! i'm sorry," jaemin explains. he knows he's breaking a precious pact, but this is his future. he needs your feelings returned, whether it's this senior year or senior year of college.

jeno sighs, "if you go there, i'm coming too."

"no!"

"yes!" jeno asserts, waving a hand to make jaemin quiet down, "i'm not leaving you alone. we're best friends! it’s not like you chose a shitty college."

jaemin reaches out to the boy on the other side of the tub, who wraps his arms around his bare torso. he can't stop the hoarse whimpers that come from his throat, significantly deeper because of the plant in him. he sinks his head lower until it hits jeno's shoulder and cries.

he cries for a long time because he knows he's running out of time.

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[redbeardlucido-blog]

Skip Day

    Marcus awoke to the piercing sound of his alarm.  Staring back at him was the hellish red glow that read 6:30 AM reminding him it was time to get up and start the morning routine.  He sat up wiping the remaining sleep from his eyes as he gathered his thoughts.  Looking around his room, he thought to himself what exactly would he take to his first year of college.  His classic movie posters were a must; Sunset Boulevard, American Beauty, and the Godfather.  Three movies that had little relation to one another, yet in some way held meaning in Marcus’s life.  Photos of his mom and dad would come with him, as well as the stuffed dog he was given by his late grandfather. 

    Marcus opened his laptop to check his Facebook.  No matter what, his laptop would come with him, he took it everywhere, along with his camcorder.  It’s as if they were the life support keeping him going.  Nothing new, just status after status about graduation and parties to follow.  There was one notification reminding him that it was senior skip day, a tradition that went back to before he was born.  He heard his mom call from downstairs as he threw everything in his backpack and headed down.  Marcus knew his mom was aware he was skipping today, and as much as she hated he was missing school she knew it was a tradition and went along as if nothing were different. 

    She didn’t really have a choice, he was a straight A student, a parents dream.  Never got in any trouble, and was president of the film club at his school.  He stopped in the kitchen staring at his mom and dad across the table like a deer caught in headlights.  There was no breakfast on the table and his dad should have been at work by now. 

    “Is something wrong?” Marcus said puzzled, not knowing what he could have done.  “Oh god no honey, not at all” his mom said frantically as she smiled and went to sit down.  “Son I’m proud of you” His father said with a smile on his face.  His dad rarely smiled like this, something about it was off putting.

    “Well Marcus, when we got the mail this morning we noticed there was a letter addressed to you from UCLA…and we couldn’t help but open it.” His mom said.  “Oh my god, no way! Really?” Marcus said as he dropped his back pack.  “You’ve been accepted” his parents exclaimed in unison as if they had been practicing all morning.  There wasn’t a happier household in all of Southern LA then right now.  It was a dream of Marcus’s since he held his first camera.  To go to UCLA like one of the greats, and now it was finally coming true.  Marcus excused himself to splash some cool water on his face in the bathroom, almost as if to check if this really were a dream. 

    He looked at himself in the mirror, staring back was the biggest smile he had ever seen.  He couldn’t believe it and couldn’t wait to tell his friends.  Without hesitation he texted his two best friends, Darryon and Michael asking if they were on their way.

    “Marcus are you going to need a ride to school?” his dad asked.  “Nah dad it’s ok, Darryon and Michael are on their way to get me.” “Please be careful now, you know I love you and it would kill me if anything happened to you.  I know they’re your friends and I don’t exactly agree with everything they do” “Mom stop right there” Marcus said with a chuckle.  “I’ll be fine, they’re good guys.  I love you too.”

    Before he knew it Michael had pulled up in his old beat up 98 black Mercedes Benz.  Marcus liked it, he was tired of his cookie cutter life in middle class America.  He was happy, no doubting that, Marcus was about to be a high school graduate and attending the college of his dreams.  But sometimes he wondered what if he was given a life like Darryon or Michael, both high school drop outs.  One never knowing their mother, the other only seeing their father once, getting thrown in the back of a cop car and hauled away to prison.  Growing up in Compton, a life that no one should live.  Marcus would go crazy thinking about how three blacks all the same age could be so similar yet at the same time so different.  This is why he wanted to get into film, he wanted to show people the real stories and the real lives that were out there overlooked.  How many people would look at Michael, dreads past his shoulders and baggy pants to the point of falling down, and think he was good with computers.  But he was, he would help Marcus edit his videos.  Marcus would always ask why he didn’t try to pursue something in editing but was always given the same response. 

    “A nigga like me getting a job like that? Ha, you must be on something.  I barely hold the job I got now, I can’t afford to be chasing some dream.” It was sad to say the least but they were still his friends no matter what.

    Darryon was in the passenger seat, he was always quieter, only spoke when spoken to, a silent side kick to Michael one could say.  It was a nice balance having him around.  When Marcus opened the door he immediately started coughing as if had stepped foot inside a burning building. 

    “Damn Michael, seems like you’ve smoked a whole field” “Chill nigga, I’ve got enough for you” Michael said sloppily as if he were a patient waking up from anesthesia.  “How many times have I told you? I don’t smoke, I tried it that one time and that was enough” Marcus said as he got comfortable in the back.  “aight’ more for me and Darryon” “How are you anyways Darryon” Marcus asked.  “I’m good. I’m ready for this party tonight.” “Oh shit! I almost forgot about that party, it’s gonna be fuckin dope.” Michael said with excitement as if he had been shot with adrenaline.

    “So what’s the plan for today?” Asked Marcus, “I don’t know, I figure we drive around some.  You can shoot some of the city for whatever project you working on. Then grab some food.  I got a guy later we meeting up with getting us some drinks for the party.” As Michael explained and drifted back into talking about the party Marcus stared out the window as if being taking to another world.  As they drove down the city streets all the buildings and people passed by as if he were watching a screen saver.  It was almost enough to put Marcus to sleep, he closed his eyes and started dreaming of what his dorm room would look like, all the new friends he would make and classes he would take.  A smile started to form across his face only to quickly go as it came from the sudden blast of music from the speakers.  

    “What the hell!” Marcus yelled as he jumped out of his seat “turn that down!”  “aight aight keep yo shirt on” Michael said as he turned the music down.  “I noticed you dozing off back there and figured I’d give ya a scare” “tell me whatcha think of this new track.” Marcus listened as some generic mainstream rapper spewed line after line about how many women he was sleeping with combined with the money he had. “Man why do you even listen to this crap?” Marcus asked in disgust “What?! You don’t like this?” Michael said shocked, as if he had created the song himself.  “I just don’t get why you listen to this stuff, it’s all the same crap.  Why not listen to someone who speaks the truth?” “Aw man here we go again” Michael said as Darryon chuckled.

    “You complain all the time about not having enough money for this or that yet you wanna listen to some asshole that has barley done anything for society brag about how much money he has?  Why not listen to someone rap the truth? About what’s really going on, the problems that are really happening.” Marcus went on about issues going on that he has either heard on the news or learned about in school before he was interrupted by Michael.  “I just wanted to know if you liked it or not nigga, didn’t know I was gonna get lectured like yous was my mom.  Step down from your soapbox for a sec, we should call you Chocolate Milk.” Marcus laughed and sat back getting comfortable again.  

    “You see man some of us aren’t as lucky as you. Darryon and I we ain’t got both parents or a nice two story house.  Shit we live in Compton USA, that’s all you gotta say and niggas know yo life.  Sure I complain a lot about how I have it, and this music I can hardly relate to, but haven’t you ever had a dream? Something you’ve always wanted? That’s how I see this music, I dream of having loads of money able to get whatever I want whenever I want it…I just don’t know how I’m gonna get there yet.”  Michael got quiet after that as if reality had hit a little too hard.

    “Hey man that reminds me guess what?” Marcus said excited, changing the subject to something happier.  “I got accepted to UCLA.”  “Aw shit man no way!” Michael shouted looking back almost driving off the road with excitement.  “Yeah man congratulations, I know you’ve been working hard for that with your filming and what not.” Darryon said taking Marcus and Michael both by surprise. “Anyways that’s awesome, let me get your drink, this is a cause for celebration.” Michael said.  As they pulled up to the liquor store and got out Darryon turned to Marcus and said “hey man when you make it big don’t forget about your friends down here.”  Marcus laughed “don’t worry I could never forget about my best friends.”  

    Looking around the liquor store they noticed a couple bottles of some cheap alcohol they wanted, they weren’t really sure what it was just what it did and that they could afford it.  The place had a funky odor to it, like cheap cologne and roach bombs.  Their feet stuck to the floor of every aisle as if it hadn’t been moped since day one. The clerk hadn’t taken his eyes off them since they stepped foot in the store.  There was an old beat up boom box behind him that was barley doing its job, playing some unidentifiable Middle Eastern music.  The clerk was an elderly Pakistani man with large round eyes that had seen more in life than Marcus’s camcorder.  He had a scowl on his face that was almost unreadable under the un-kept grey beard covering most of his face.  He looked like a Middle Eastern Santa Claus.

    “Man have you seen the way that niggas been checking us out?” Michael said under his breath.  “Relax, he’s just old.  Plus we are three teenagers in a liquor store remember?”  Marcus said as he grabbed a mountain dew from the cooler.  There was a quiet electrical hum coming from the cooler, something about this Marcus found soothing.  The elderly man didn’t say anything as they paid for the soda and left.  

    “Fucking racist” Michael said as he kicked a piece of pavement that had broken away from the sidewalk just outside the liquor store. “Chill man, put yourself in his shoes. Besides think of the racist shit he gets from white people every day.  This whole country is just a big melting pot of racism, we just have to be the generation to move past it.” Marcus said as he took a swig from the mountain dew, he wasn’t surprised it wasn’t cold in the slightest after seeing how the store was.  

    “I see my guy now.” Michael pointed to a car pulling up.  A twenty something guy stepped out, his skin was so dark that he looked like he belonged to some Australian tribe featured on the cover of National Geographic.  He was tall, skinny, and bald with dark sunglasses on giving no visibility to his eyes.  He walked with the confidence of some rock star as he approached the group. “What you guys want?” Michael told him about the cheap liquor on the bottom shelf and handed him the cash. Marcus, Michael, and Darryon all waited as they enjoyed the sunlight and warm California breeze.  Michael was trying his hardest to rap as Darryon just stood there listening, laughing every time Michael would mess up.  Marcus was filming people walking by, all of which were oblivious to the fact they were being filmed.  He wondered what they were thinking as they went about their day. There was a mom, holding the hands of her two kids as they strolled down the sidewalk.  A business man shouting gibberish into his cell phone, he seemed to be upset about something.  It was a quiet day, he could only hear the chatter of passerby’s and the faint music from cars playing today’s top 40 hits.  Marcus noticed their buyer was leaving the store so he tossed his camera in his backpack and joined his friends.  

    “Here you go, there was no change” He handed Michael the bag and left.  “Wouldn’t there be change with all that?” Marcus asked “Probably, but who cares we got the liqu-“ Michael was cut off when they heard shouting, looking up they saw the Pakistani man coming out of his store.  “I knew you guys were up to no good! Always up to no good! I try to make an honest living and you have to come and mess it all up!” He shouted as he was walking towards them.  He seemed larger when he was away from the counter.  They all stood there, Michael quickly stuffed the bag in Marcus’s backpack as if that were to do anything.  It’s as if their intelligence regressed as they stood there not moving a muscle like animals about to be attacked by a fierce predator.

    “I should have called the police the moment I saw you guys! But no they do nothing! If you want something done right you have to do it yourself!” The boys looked at each other and then back at the man that was coming towards them, that’s when they noticed what he was holding. A silver handgun was hanging by his side griped tightly in his hand.  His knuckles were white and looked as if they were to break the gun.  It reflected the sun off its barrel and shined in the face of Marcus.  “Oh fuck!” Marcus shouted as soon as he saw the danger barreling towards them.  The boys quickly turned and ran towards their car when they heard a shot go off.  

    Michael was already to the car when he saw Marcus falling to the ground.  He started to panic dropping his keys and breathing heavily as if he lost complete function of his body.  Darryon without hesitation picked up Marcus and within the blink of an eye had him in the back seat and Michael in the passenger.  Darryon drove away leaving the Pakistani man in the parking lot on his knees, pistol by his side, and hands in his face.  

    “Is he ok?” Darryon said as he drove, eyes darting from street sign to street sign trying to remember the fastest way to the hospital.  With no answer he asked again “Michael you need to focus, get back there and check on him.”  Michael was still breathing heavily now wiping away tears that were pouring from his eyes.  “He’s dead man! That fucker shot him!  He’s dead!” “We don’t know that, you need to check on him, I’m trying to get us to the hospital.” Michael climbed in the back stumbling over himself and landing on the floor in front of his immobile friend.  “Mar…Marcus, are…” He couldn’t finish the sentence as he started crying again. “Marcus are you ok?” Michael said softly near Marcus’s head, hoping for any sign of life.  

“What the hell happened?”

    “He’s alive!” Shouted Michael as Darryon continued driving to the hospital not saying anything but only smiling.  “What happened?” Marcus asked sitting up in the back seat as Michael took the seat next to him.  “You were shot? Aren’t you hurt? You should be dead or something?” Marcus gathered his thoughts and came to his senses.  “You’re right, I was shot, and I should be dead.” He took off his backpack and had Michael check his back.  “Nothing man” Michael said softly as if he had seen a ghost.  “Oh shit!” Marcus said has he grabbed for his backpack staring in to the mangled mess.  There in his backpack were the remains of his camcorder and still solid laptop both covered in alcohol.  He pulled out what was left of the camcorder and tossed it to the floor, the whole car now smelled like the dingy basement of some frat house.

     He removed his laptop and there in the back was the bullet lodged deep into center. “Man it’s ruined” Marcus said as he threw everything to the floor.  “Are you crazy?? We thought you were dead! And all you care about is that laptop and stupid camera of yours?” Michael said in disbelief.  Marcus just sat there looking out the window, he was alive but part of him was dead.