#cause the not religious just insane tag has the stupidest shit dumped in it

[dolokhoded]

80-ish jesus 'verse disciple headcanons pt. 1 (peter, john, magdalene)

[ bc i gotta put those somewhere. i still dont know if this is set in the actual 80s in a normal timeline or if the whole universe is completely made up. i'll figure it out. shit's hard when jesus' existence as some normal living dude implies a definitive aspect of today's society doesn't exist at all yet ]

PETER

jesus’ right hand man yadda yadda

the most repressed man you will ever meet

very loyal, but quite close minded. until he meets jesus, at least, that’s peter’s whole thing

he really does believe the things jesus stands for but it's hard to change the mindset he was raised on in a day

he learns to accept people who are different than him. he learns to accept himself while we’re at it. ANYWAYS

peter gets married in his early twenties. not entirely because of religion or tradition or whatever, he really did love his wife and because they were in their twenties and they were stupid they found it to be the next logical step in their relationship

he’s poly

he doesn’t realize this until after he’s married and represses it forever despite literally being surrounded by queer people (assume everyone is queer unless i explicitly say they're not)

he sorts it out eventually. illa knows

that's his wife. she's a chemist and an environmental activist, they do love each other very much but they get divorced in the end because she gets offered a job in a project in norway that i would elaborate on if i knew jack about science, and decides she wants to live in different countries and travel the world

moral of the story don't get married when you're twenty and don't know what you want to do with your life yet

has some sort of personal feud with magdalene ???

she thinks it’s cause he hates women

it sort of is. he feels threatened by her. but also he wouldn’t care this much if it wasn’t personal

(really he's just very attracted to her. he doesn't like her, he doesn't exactly love her but they do feel closer to each other than all the other disciples but he's not in love with her. it's the same for her. but she's aro. they have a weird thing going on don't ask me, it's definitely a little intensified just because they never acknowledge or discuss it but whatever)

i know i’m making this guy seem like a major asshole and that’s because he is. but also they all are. he’s working on it !

andrew’s older brother and also the exact opposite of andrew

deep down he kind of envies him

peter works his family's business, at least until he cuts his parents off. don't ask me what the business is it doesn't matter

sells fishing equipment or something

can cook with some assistance. not kitchen banned.

JOHN

grew up with very open-minded parents, but was still very sheltered.

he's a youngest child, so he was a little fussed over. his mother was very protective of him which led to him moving out of the family home and having to call his brother to ask how you make a doctor appointment

then having said brother james make the appointment for him because he was shy

idea guy. very creative very innovative. not always successful but at least his brain somewhat works?

the youngest of the group. 24 when big james was 28, jesus was 30, peter and magdalene were 32. i'll come up with a comprehensive age chart soon

majored in journalism when he joined the group, met matthew in class and roped him in

decided to change his major to creative writing

uses a typewriter to write. i haven't decided exactly what the fuck is going on with this verse, i'm leaning towards setting it in the 80s where everyone uses typewriters anyways but it's important that you know john would use a typewriter even if he had access to a laptop.

(with recycled paper of course)

likes to doodle on the margins when he's editing his shit. he's very right brained.

judas' narrative foil, therefore they hate each other

they don't full on scream death threats at each other at meetings like peter and magdalene but the passive aggression is there

LMAO ALL I TALK ABOUT IS THIS GROUP FUCKING HATING EACH OTHER i swear deep down they love each other uhhhh

matthew, he likes matthew. they're writing buddies

and peter and simon z and little james. and mary beth. john's cool with magdalene too

and philip and thad. everyone likes philip and thad they have 0 enemies

and everyone likes jesus. except judas who doesn't but it's okay cause he's in love with him.

some of them they like each other i promise. anyways, sorry, john.

cannot cook, but not kitchen banned

MAGDALENE

mary magdalene. obviously.

we have around three hundred marys so she goes by magdalene. though i find it more fitting anyways.

magdalene didn't know her father, her mother was lovely but she died of cancer when she was 10. susanna is the daughter of her godmother who lost custody of her when susanna was 15 because she had a drug addiction

so like. starting out with some lovely stuff

magdalene was in foster care until she was 16. then susanna turned 18 and she lived with her, finished school and started working any random job that helped them make rent

susanna is the only person magdalene can always rely on. and vice versa. she's a barber.

which i thought of before i realized susanna is also the name of the wife of figaro barber of seville. but isn't that hilarious.

anyways it's been rough for these two but it gets better i promise. they make it.

magdalene's working like three jobs trying to make enough to go to university, she wants to be a social worker. preferably work with inmates.

she's aropansexual

weird thing with peter is not of romantic nature. maybe queerplatonic except they're not friends. queeraggressive if anything.

it's just a thing. it's a sixth sense only aromantic people can comprehend. don't question it.

despite everything magdalene is an optimistic person. she's got a grasp on reality, but she's not scared of having her own dreams and ambitions, she's not going to let her past stop her from moving forward

she's had one serious girlfriend before she realized she didn't want to be in a romantic relationship at all and it was fucking crazy

she was very insecure already and magdalene kept enabling it by constantly ignoring her and seeming disinterested (which she was cause she was aro) which made the girl feel like she was only using her for sex and then she started getting paranoid and accusing her of cheating on her and it rlly escalated. crazy shit.

the girl was like. slightly more reasonable than magdalene is and one day just decided that aight im out of here and left. and then magdalene had a breakdown and tried to convince her not to leave because she needed to prove to herself that she was capable of love

yeah my girl is not okay. did you expect her to be well in her brain cause she's not

so yeah crazy shit. she works through it.

cannot cook. kitchen banned.