#cause my mom gives two shits about how i dont my ugly self on her fb page 🙃

[mackjlee9]

* when's yer day of birth, i need a deadline 🤨

Uh...

Next Saturday~ so you have a week, but again~! You don't have to draw me anything, sweetie 😭

[the-chickenshit-oddity]

B99 Obsessive Rewatch Season Two

rewatching B99 and taking notes. also, sometimes i get ideas of stuff i wanna see played out more, so i post them as prompts and link them here. spoilers for all of season two.

2:1

Jake as an italian mobster kinda

Is this the first holt&jake hug we’ve seen?? Rayray doesnt even flinch so cute

Jake’s rapidfire recap : fixed a boxing match / smoked a whole cigar w/o vomitting / was in a room w/ 10 Sals

Jake lies to amy about liking her

Jake has “lady hands”

Holt says he’s seen MOVIES PLURAL

Awesome begins with an O, JP 2013 probably

“i am feeling trepidation at the prospect of a parentless existence” = baby holt’s parents had a thing when he was 7

Weirdest thing in the whole episode is mobster jake being beaten by a cop on mob turf and none of his mobster buddies helping out

Baby holt snuck into daddy holt’s office to check out his collection of antique globes = daddy holt issues ref above

Proud daddy holt. Forgot to note if it happened in s1 so we’ll consider this the beginning

Jake unlies to amy about liking her

Gina and boyle shag again

2:2

Terry’s getting snipped and gina is way creepy

Boyle has a sister (probs castle girl) that we never mention again?

Wunch appearance and holt is a dramatic shit i love him

Wunch&holt : wunch shot holt, holt tried to get her fired, wunch destroyed holts file while UC, holt embarrassed wunch in front of derrick jeater who??

Amy’s fierce when someone’s fucking with her career we stan

Charles has seen the little mermaid

Holt’s a great amy dad cause both of them are ambitious nerds

2:3

Jimmy jabs est.2008

Jake knows rosa’s friend katie (and s1 amy’s friend kylie – how the fuck)

Lots of parallels to FRIENDS. Accidental sex tape, two guys accidentally nap together, probs other stuff, where’s the downstairs officers brooming the ceiling?

Squad screams like maniacs in the bullpen and random background people literally dont even care – ie this is such a habit people are over it

Bomb suits kinda look like minions or is it just me

Hitchcock is evil – do we think he’s related to gina or what?

Amy wins

2:4

Halloween heist

Holt is a master jake player, all rejoice

Holt says watch from kevdad & kevdad dead

I want ginas jacket

Jake has cousins ie jake has aunties??

2:5

Trust levels off the charts. Leaping at terry, telling holt the truth and asking amy for help. Okay so that’s only jake but still

Wunch is evil

My man holt is sooo tense, how long do we bet till he blows up?

Amy is giving toddler mom vibes rn somebody give her a margarita

>> amy has to babysit some random kid and realises he’s identical to jake in behaviour

Im gonna need baby terry being a disco champion thing

>>Omg!! Holt caught the disco killer, maybe disco killer killed disco nerds, ie holt saved terry’s life!

Lmao kev passive agressive is my life

Holt is a regular holmes wtf

How did jake get guest pjs, im sensing a food/drink related accident which makes twice this episode with amy’s car

Holt&jake teaming up is my fave thing ever

Terry at a soccer game for his kids would be terrifying

2:6

I’m in love with jake’s “why am i an idiot” face

Amy goes to holt screeching “captain” like he’s her dad, i need an amy prequel series, i love her

Rosa’s really backhanded at compliments it’s awesome

So cops hate lawyers and firepeople?? Who are they buddies with? (except for the criminals eh)

Whats a pow wow?

Is this a “season’s main human-mess that needs holt guidance” thing? First was jake, this feels like amy’s

2:7

When did holt get stabbed IN THE NECK??

gina get off on chaos like a demon she’s evil

precinct lockdown ep – all of those people are terrible and i hate them

why does terry’s wife not care about her brother being a dick?

2:8

Terry and amy waterboard themselves for some reason

So cops hate mailpeople too

Forgot holt had a gambling addiction

Coping stuff : holt workouts / terry self torture wtf? / gina meditation

Jake&rosa friendship is great

2:9

Holt wants bland ugly food, like how picky can you get

How is jake inviting teddy to come a proof of teddy being romantic?

Note to self : never go to a themed hotel they’re haunted

“pb&js are so simple a child could make them” makes me see neglected baby holt making himself food as best he could >> tie in with no dad baby holt thingy

Rosa got possessed by the devil

Lessons : CB > RH cooking stuff (epic fail)

Wheres the award for the most awkward double date ever?

2:10

Doug judy’s back

Jake has no ability to hold grudges?

Doug judy’s got real nice teeth

Amy stand up to holt, holt likes

I’m not interested in the whole boyle/linetti storylines :/

2:11

Holt took all night to think of an insult for wunch but burns people left and right no problem >> my boy doesn’t actually hate her?? Omg is this some weird non-sexual game they play? Gross

Amy&rosa in a car for four hours? I need to see it

“uncle ray” talks about work so much even his NEPHEW knows who’s who. 1) was kev not there, because no cop talk policy 2) was he EFFUSIVE??

Most of what i’ve learnt from this watching session today is that i’m real hungry why do they keep eating

You know what’s inconspicuous? Two guys sitting in front of windows with massive cameras. Totes invisible

Jake&charles have a roomie breakdown, gina&amy have an existential crisis, terry is a mom and rosa&holt are ...there

Man i do NOT want to shag in my boss’ house, i mean rosa’s got her own flat, cmon

Kev making bacon smiles on his pancakes totes goes into my kev&holt get baby martin for holidays headcanon (see season one obsessive rewatch)

“this isn’t my first rodeo” jake abt dealing w/ scully >> fits into baby jake shadowing scully for junior cops thingy (also in s1 obsessive rewatch)

“brothers fight but they’re always there for each other” says the only child (fun fact, only jake and gina are only kids (except for maybe terry cause i can’t remember))

2:12

I love the amy drunkenness scale

A fondue stick in a fanny pack sounds like a disaster waiting to happen

Beachhouse w/ the boss episode

Amy&gina&terry get paired up lots

Why didn’t they turn the holt party into a movie night??

Au where boyle is a seduction coach

Gina turned not-evil for a second

2:13

Amy’s def of partner : bounce ideas, eat street meat & stake out, burnt coffee

Jake hasnt been to the dentist in seven years (at this point i’m thinking he was kidnapped and doesnt remember his season one dentist trip)

“it’s payback time” to the drug dealer who killed all of jake’s family

Gina’s got two grandmas

Charles want to have a bowling business

How do terry’s biceps have their own biceps???

Holt likes the name todd, didnt he have an ex called todd?

Isn’t yahooanswers dead? How does jake know stuff now?

2:14

If s1 is parenting Jake and teaching Amy independence, is s2 about parenting Amy and bonding with Rosa through evil humour?

Jake tells terry he loves sofia??

Rosa’s enemy marker-hoarder carla biancci in 2nd grade turned bully till grad

Jake tells sofia he loves her

Gina being a dick after saying something true – a trend?

Charles’ dad was a florist and now i want a classic flower shop romance

Sofia breaks up ouchhh

Eww gross wunch kissed holt i need brainbleach

Charles doesnt think his dad loves him?

2:15

Rosa’s parents are “smiley morons & hug freaks”. Did not seem like it in the coming out episode?

Second massive cop lasertag game thingy

Holt confused face implies he never saw titanic

Note to self try to make a blondie sometime

Holt apologises the next day for trying to disqualify gina from pers.test >> did kevin tell him his type didn’t fit him?

Gina thinks holt flirts with her so she’s a wunch but on their side?

2:16

“if u love s/o u’ll remember what they look like” but KEVIN HAS A PORTRAIT MATE

Oh this is the “i’m sorry you weRE STABBED” episode

I want marvin the geriatric bank robber to be buddies with gina??

Im lowkey upset that kevs buddies with gina tho, he’s not evil enough

Ray talks about jake to random waitresses and his painting teacher

Okay i get it, amy and charles are too simpy, rosa’s too unhinged, we don’t talk about hitchcock and scully, terry’s got his own shit, so that only leaves gina and jake and it cannot be jake, so. Yeah okay gina and kev are buddies

Ray called jake a genius just cause he heard him practice his holt impression, how cute

2:17

Jake’s a creepy girl stalker?? Poor jenny gildenhorn

Rosa has a grandad

Amy plays french horn

Jake answers amy’s proposal with “yes a thousands times yes”

MARCUS DVRs BONES THE HOLTCOZNER BEDROOM WEIRD DVR QUEUE SOLVED EXCEPT WHYS HE IN THEIR ROOM??

2:18

Dickhead peralta shows up, i hate him :(

Holt’s “unsolvable” riddle “There are 12 men on an island. 11 weigh exactly the same amount, but one of them is slightly lighter or heavier. You must figure out which. The island has no escapes, but there is a seesaw. The exciting catch? You can only use it three times.”

Jakes allergic to bees and dickhead knows about it

I’d go on a sudoku cruise too amy

Honestly this riddles fucking easy im so angry

Amy’s right tho, you do 6v6, one side’s heavier, then you divide that one 3v3, one side’s heavier, you do 1v1 and either they’re equal and the last one’s the heaviest or one of them’s already the heaviest

I cannot tell you how infuriated i get everytime im reminded of dickhead peralta’s later character arc.

2:19

s/o framing jake as druggie

spoiler its sofias druggie bossman

holt : “sarcasm the cowards lie” ouch

oh yeah also terry and holt missed ginas dance thing and shes upset

and also charles gotta work with the two giant babies

2:20

Jakes unhealthy obsession with his job episode 40 of 40

Rosa&holt scheming to avoid personal chats, relatable

Rosas dads a teacher, two sisters

2:21

Jake and amy have a crush on the same guy till the guy likes amy and jake likes amy more

Terrys looking into a new job and boyle gina holt get weird about it

2:22

Jakes on a treasure hunt, terry’s looking into a school for his kids again?

Holt v wunch 1946th time

Bingpot

The velvet thunder is probs thor’s more dramatic second cousin

2:23

Wunch got holt transfered sad face

Rosa’s bday

Wunch being incredibly sexual-harrassy again

Rosa likes gilmore girls

Weird sex thing from wunch again geez

Rayray does the robot yay. Dude was there a cancel-scare?

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[teenagetragedymentality]

Healing

I laid in our bed this morning just looking at my man. It sounds a little creepy but I missed him while we were asleep. WEIRD HUH!!!! To me its not weird and to him its not weird. I run to him for everything. He really has a hell of a job, he does a hell of a job. He is the best man I have met next to my two uncles. David (because he does have a name) even reminds me a little bit of my one uncle. My man has so many wonderful loving qualities, I am truly blessed beyond measure. 

Let me give you a little background on me and my honey. We have been together almost two years (September 21 2018). We both were both freshly out of bad relationships. David (cause he has a name lol) divorced his second wife right around the time I was going through one myself with my ex husband. I never made it to see my divorce because my soon to be ex husband held me hostage, shot and killed a dear friend over jealousy, held me hostage again, pulled the trigger on me and the police shot him under the eye (that’s without going into a lot of detail). The bullet that was supposed to enter my head only went through my hair and the roof. I am here on this earth today because for whatever reason its wasn’t my time to leave this earth.

I didn’t really go looking for love with my man. I went looking for a good time. I thought to myself when I met him, he has manners, he will protect me when I am out and about, and maybe just maybe we might fall in love. I thought I knew what love was and wasn’t from my past. I was very mistaken. I even called David ugly one time because he was hinting (flirting with each other pretty hard back and forth is a good indicator someone is into you)  that he liked me. I was liking him too no lie,  but I didn’t want him to think that we were going to take it there so back to the friend zone we both went only for a little while (like a few weeks) I regretted doing and saying the things I said about him. I didn’t like the backing off! I wanted his attention damn it!! I ain’t going to lie, that was back when I wanted him to chase me. He did. Not only did he chase me but he has helped me heal in so many ways. We have been together every single day, day in and day out, with very few breaks. I want to mention we love it. We do go out and do things alone or without each other but it isn't often due to me not really being able to function without losing my shit without him there. I rarely feel the need to be away from him. Before with Matt (that was my soon to be ex’s name) I couldn't stand to be around him for long periods of time. He worked I worked we stayed away from each other really in retrospect. 

I had a child with Matt. My son didn’t have a father after what went down. David didn’t have any children of his own, which made him a great candidate for Brayden (my son which is now our son as Brayden looks at David as his dad and only his dad) . He is 6 years older than me (that’s what I wanted). He has a criminal past (again what I wanted). Really there wasn't anything that turned me off about David other than he had a lot of females on his social media platform. At first it was one of the reasons why i wanted him to chase me. I had self esteem issues so to me the girls on his page getting his attention at that time I thought were way prettier than me and had a way better shot at him than I did. I WAS WAYYYY WRONG!! 

I learned and even taught my Veteran mother not to ever judge a book by the cover. I am glad I learned that because David isn’t at all what I thought he would be. He has brought nothing but healing to me and our son. He has brought joy into my moms life when it use to be sadness and pain. My mom knows she is safe when she lays down at night she knows there isn’t going to be anyone who messes with her things or steals from her. She knows her daughter is protected she knows we are okay, but let me tell you at first she hated him. 

My mother had to go to therapy after Matt did what his dumbass did. After therapy she was a whole different person. She finally got rid of my bio dad James. That right there was a whole new person as soon as she got away from his life sucking powers. He is a person who I will blog about often. He did a lot of awful stuff to my mom my grandma and myself included. James even has been accused of touching my son inappropriately which I 100 percent believe because he molested me from 8 to 16. Tried to rape me one time as an adult but got caught by the neighbor.

David has been there through all this bad stuff. He has seen me make milestones people said I wouldn’t ever make. He made me into a better mother, I will be the first to tell you I was a piece of shit. I wasn’t the mother I am today. I didn’t care I didn’t want to care I didn’t know how to take care of a child whos bio dad just almost killed me and killed my buddy. Like it was hard to look at Brayden some days and not see Matt. 

Fast forward to now in 2020 I love Brayden more than anything on this planet. He has more respect for females than he ever has, he helps out more than he ever has, listens more than he ever has, I BROKE THE CYCLE!!!!!

David helped me get through a lot. I am thankful for him. I am thankful for the patience and understand he has with Brayden and I. Even my mother is thankful for David. 

Blessed and I have to be more thankful for what I have because sometimes that depression hooks me and I feel like I am alone and I dont have anyone. I have more than a lot of people in 2020, but that all can change in the blink of an eye. I stay grounded and stay humble.

[boy-porridge-vent]

Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

 New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

 * I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

 A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

 Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

 if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

 This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

[krayns]

All :p

THANKS A! okay ill skip the ones M already asked me!

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? 

LOLOL, well it was the GC so I would say hey bitches wus good. ACTUALLY. I’D BE LIKE YALL CAN LOOK BUT CANT TOUCH CAUSE YALL BITCHES BE GETTING THE WRONG IDEA, and told yall bout a good million times Im just not interested. Pls take a hint.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

WELL. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, bc he was a lowlife scrub who I do not need in my life at all. Blocked & erased my history 

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? 

UM…. yes bc I would care about my partner and would want the best for them……. so I wouldnt want them on drugs 24/7

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? 

OMG its exactly 6 letter BISH.

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? YA GIRL WAS DRUNNNNK IN LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE 

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

OMG NO. Im never the one to mess it up SMH, im the one left to clean up the mess SMFH 

7. What does your last received text say? “Or nahhh” 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? 

LMFAO what kind of question. YALL REALLY THINK I SIT THERE AND COUNT EVERYTIME I KISSED MY MAN LIKE LOL?????????  Lets just say I kissed him WAY too many times than he deserved. (V many times tho bc who doesn’t love a good smooch)

9. Where was your last kiss at? 

BRUH. my ex mans house OK NEXT 

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? 

well I have 2, and a few hours ago before they both went to sleep bc they youngins. 

11. What do you drink in the morning?

Ya girl likes her steaming hot cup of TEA in the morning. Gotta have my daily tea. 

12. Where did you sleep last night? 

My mans crib ;) why you care tho?

13. Do you think relationships are hard? LOL. They’re hard if you make em hard. And if you’re partner is stressin you then hell yeah. But I mean no relationship is perfect. Its all about working through those hard times and that honestly makes the relationship stronger. 

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? 

YES. I would’ve left the trash ass ugly piece of garbage that treated me like shit and used the hell out of me, before I got super attached to him and let him walk all over me. DEFS wish I could’ve left his fuck boy ass long time ago, shouldn’t have let things lasted as long as they did.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO. bruh. YOU ARE ASKING FOR A WORLD WAR 3. im crying could you imagine. OH he would be shook. That or he would have the best sex of his life lbr. 

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

Sunny when I gotta go out, Rainy when I’m inside/ at night. BC YA GIRL HATES GOING OUT IN THE RAIN. Womans are not tryna look like a wet cat. 

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? 

Actually yes quite a few, people I knew from school, also I think Selena Gomez? My middle name is kinda basic.

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

None of the above ;) 

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

PART OF ME: I REALLY HOPE SO bc ya girl a hopeless romantic 

OTHER PART OF ME: HONESTLY IDEK BC MANS ARE SO WHACK THESE DAYS, HARD TO FIND A QUALITY QT, and honestly im doing me these days like mans can wait BYE 

20. Does anyone like you?

Jesus! My boy JC. Dont know if anyone else likes me bc like I clearly can’t read minds so?

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

Besides family, no one else is ringing a bell

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? 

Nope

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

Currently: My EX, Alicia from AYTO (tv show) (snake ass bitch), 

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Yessss many times. Like theres so many ideas I have. I would probs get one like on my side, back, lower waist, or behind my ear? Either something cute or something with meaning.

25. In the past week have you cried? 

Yes I think I had a moment the other day.

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? 

A cockerspaniel. 

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

Depends on my mood. I really like showers tho, preferably with my man 

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

Not yet ;)

29. Do you think you’re old?

Honestly sometimes I feel old asf

30. Do you like text messaging? 

TBH not really. I prefer having that face to face, talking through text is too much miscommunication. 

31. What type of day are you having? 

A swell day, kinda was in my feels earlier but ya girl got it together. 

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

YASSSS. I’ve wanted one for a while, but now I’m like do I want one that bad? It would be cute af THO

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

WARM WARM WARM. No ones tryna freeze their ass off. Ya girls an Island baby 

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

Jesus Christ. 

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

RELATIONSHIPS, FUCK FLINGS ARE JUST NOT FOR ME. I am not meant for that fling life 

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

Im quite wild tbh when you get to know me

37. What song are you listening to? 

Currently: Straight Up & Down by Bruno Mars 

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? 

Hellllll YEAH 

39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? 

Yes, I’d say my Moms, Ash, Rach or my sister Tia

40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

OK. WELL…………………………………… dont ask me bout this rn im confused. But I kinda also have feelings for my ex ex man who wasnt really my man but still he is literally like my ideal man and ive been seeing him a few times and im triggered UGH my first uni LOVE FML fuck he has me WEAK ASF

41. When did you last receive a text message? 

A second ago: so 1:55 AM 

42. What is wrong with you right now?

NOT A GAWD DAMN THING BISH. 

no but real talk school out here draining me. ALSO IM V CONFUSED BOUT STUFF. 

43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

YO thats my girl. RIDE OR DIE since 7th grade. I know her like the back of my hand and likewise for me. 

44. Does anyone disgust you? 

HAAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA, you already fucking know the answer. TRASH ASS EX MAN. Also fuck boys just disgust and erk my soul in general. 

45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

Depends on who’s asking 😏 but hey if I like you, you cute, nice, funny, LOYAL, determined I mean I would probs say yes. ALONG WITH MY OTHER WANTS: smells good, good style, nice hair, kind, TALLLLLL, athletic, 

But hey I mean he don’t have to fit all these categories, im just being extra here 

46. Are you in a good mood right now? 

Currently Yes :D

47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

My mom

48. What color shirt are you wearing? 

Not wearing a shirt oooooooops 😳

49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? 

YUP. dont wanna repeat bc it was honestly the DOUCHIEST thing I’ve ever heard in my life and it makes me sick to my stomach that this literally came out of a mans PIE HOLE. i cant. 

50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Already gave up on em. LIKE UP OUT OF MY LIFE. blocked and erased that history 

51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Not really my ex ex man I still kinda like. BC my ex man was not the one that a fell hardest for so nah. IF IT WAS HIM THEN I WOULD. 

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

ummmmm noooo????

53. Do you like rain? 

Only when I’m inside, or about to sleep. That Netflix and cuddles possible chill typa weather ya feel 

54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

Nope, unless the liqs turns them into a monster then yes I would care. 

55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? 

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL😳😳😳 HONEST TO GOD IM EITHER STRAIGHT UP OR SO LOWKEY. Like im TOO GOOD AT THIS. I could be crushin so hard on someone and they would never know bc im too good at hiding it.

56. Do you like to cuddle? 

YES LOOOOOOOOOVE. your girl likes her doses of cuddles. BABS like getting cuddled too ): 

57. Are you shy? 

LOL HONEST YES. IM SO SHY AROUND CUTE BOYS OR LIKE PEOPLE I DONT KNOW. But once I get comfortable with you whoever you are im defs not. YA GIRL WILD AF

58. Do you get along with girls?YASSSSSSSS girl power bitch. LOVE MY GIRLS. Love hyping and empowering up my girls. 

59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

YEA SHE MY BAE :* 

60. What do you carry with you at all times?

STRESS. LOL jks but omg phone, lipgloss (bc you never know if you eva gonna kiss a QT), the normals 

61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

UM. NO!!!! TF! ARE YOU WHACK. NEVER WOULD YOU EVER CATCH ME IN A JUMBIE INFESTED PLACE. NAH NAH

62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

YES. OBVI. I’m that long term typa gyal ;) Im that ride or die typa girl

63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? 

LOOOOL. Lets not think back to that time, I already ctrl alt and DELETE. BOI BYE 

64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

um YES. stop. putting. me. in. my feelS. But lets just say it wouldn’t just end with a kiss on the forehead ;) 

65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? 

Well im cute so……….. everyday something cute happens aka ME :)

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

21, and the rest were family SO LOL 

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?   

honestly i can do my own nails, but its nice to treat your self

68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? 

ZEBRA, your girl is a zebra print stan, my whole room is practically this print 

69. Do you have any stickers on your car? 

i dont own a car, but the car I drive has a “princess on board sticker” which is for my little sister but HEY its suitable for me too so 

70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

Lil Wayne… not about that country/ tim buck two. But tbh I dont listen to either of em 

71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?  

IPHONE 6 GANGGGGGGGGG

72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

Maybe like last year? Usually get pizza pizza

73. Do you like diet soda?   

NAH, diet taste kinda weird 

74. What color are the walls in your room?    

Its like an olive green, but I want to re paint, maybe a shade of pink 

75. Are you 16 or older?    

older…. why you tryna holla?

76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?  

I did…. show got mad boring tho. 

77. Do you have a job?   

Not currently, in school tho

78. What are your initials?   

K.M.B BITCHHHHHHHEEEZ

79. Did you ever have braces? 

nope, but the dentist always ask me if i had braces and always say how nice my teeth are :D

80. Are you from the south?  

NAH NAH, IM NORTH JAX FAM

81. What does your last status on facebook say?  

um???? I think I promo’ed Ash’s travel VLOG, check that shit out tho!!!!!!!

82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? 

CRTL.ALT.DELTE. 

NO BISH

83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? 

I would say my dad bc I grew up with him? but i tell my mom and step mom more personal stuff/ everything so

85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? 

I think it was suicide squad.

86. Do you smoke?    

Nah, not on those greens fam

87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?  

DEPENDS. On location and look. 

88. Is your phone touch screen?    

YUP

89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? 

Well my hair is wavy and I usually just leave it natural. I love straightening my hair but takes way too much strength and energy out of me.

90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?  LMFAO YES. TO GO TO SLEEPOVER AT ONE OF MY MANS HOUSE IM CRYING @GOD forgive me father 

91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? 

DEFS POOL OR OCEAN LOL BOUT LAKE OR RIVER BYE 

94. Are you single or in a relationship?   

Doing me. Living life. Doing whatever the hell I want. I am happy and thats all that matters. Not letting mans bring me down, have me stressing, crying myself to sleep, or crying until i have no more tears to cry

95. What were you doing last night at midnight?  

Texting my squad in the GC, talking about waste mans 

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?  

Fireworks in my heart: probably in the summer on my first date with trash 

97. Do you like the camera on your phone?   

YES bc I stay taking cute pics, im obsessed with taking fire pics

99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

NOPE. Always know my limit

100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? Hate is a v strong word. I think if anyone I really disliked I’ve removed, I may have some fakes from like HS but thats about it.

102. Name your favorite Kesha song:   PROBABLY TICK TOK, YO MY GRADE 7 ASS WOULD WHINE UP TO THIS SONG, MAJOR TRACK 

103. Do you have any tan lines right now?  noPE, but honestly i wish I did bc I wanna go somewhere warm