#cause i don't have time to be constantly switching my weights and i don't have enough money for more than 1 set

[zincbot]

first workout after top surgery had me flying high all day

[not-rigel]

Admit Defeat

warnings: smut, facesitting, fingering, bottom! sevika (if you squint), lots of flirting, y'all are in love, sub! sevika (if you squint), yearning, lesbians being lesbians

work count: 4k

You don't remember who made the first move. You don't know what you had done to get Sevika to return your feelings. At some point, the two of you switched from only speaking in work-appropriate conversations to constantly flirting. The switch was far from gradual, a near overnight shift in dynamic. For weeks,  Sevika has been laying the charm on thick and you've been returning the banter. 

Tonight was no different. The two of you inside the near empty Last Drop, chatting over a game of billiards. Billiards isn't yours or Sevika's typical game but watching her bend over the table was too tempting a sight to pass up. 

“I ever tell you about the time I almost bled out?” Sevika says, chalking up her cue. 

“Just one time? That's a little boring, Sevika,” you tease. 

“I'd have to be stabbed to be bleeding, and you know how often that happens.” 

The answer was seldom. Sevika got into plenty of fights, but most ended with her mechanical claws in her opponent's gut. Never the other way around.  

“Go on. Tell me,” you urge. She finishes chalking her cue and sets it down on the edge of the table. Your eyes follow her as she walks around the table, searching for her shot. She studies the eleven ball, considering the difficulty. 

“Eleven, back left pocket,” she calls. She bends down to line up the shot. But instead of taking it, she begins her story. 

“I was at the harbor, the smaller one, on personal business-” 

“You were gambling,” you interrupted, leaning your weight to rest your hip onto the table. You watch Sevika's eyes follow your movement. 

Sevika shakes her head, “It was for personal business. Needed new plating for my arm, one that can withstand higher temperatures. I heard from a trusted source-” 

“At the brothel,” you interrupted again. She still hasn't taken the shot. Still bent over the table, cue lined to hit but her arm hasn't drawn back yet. 

Sevika laughs at your correction, “I heard at the brothel that someone was looking to trade down at the harbor. I went down there with an alright gun. Wanted to be rid of it anyway. I get there looking for the guy and I find he's got four other people with him, fucking bruisers by the looks of it.” 

Sevika takes a break in her story to finally take her shot, the eleven ball gliding across the felt and into the pocket she called prior. She stands, walking over to where you're leaning against the table. She smirks as she draws closer to you, stopping just close enough for you to feel her body heat. You look up at her, gaze dropping to her lips for a moment before moving back up to her eyes. 

“It's your turn again,” you tell her. You tilt your head toward the table, not breaking eye contact. 

“You're standing in front of my shot.” 

“My bad,” you playfully shrug, taking a large enough step back. Sevika immediately fills the space, stepping even closer to you than she was before. Another centimeter and your chests would be touching. 

Up this close, you'd have to crane your neck to make eye contact. But since you can't find it in you to look away from her lips, you don't have to look as far up.  Her tongue creeps from her parted lips and wets her bottom lip, surely to tease you. 

“As I was saying,” Sevika continues, aware you're watching each word, “I don't pay attention to the other guys, figured if I didn't treat them like a threat they weren't gonna fuck with me. And it worked for the most part. I get through the trade with my guy, no issues. I'm thinking it's over so I shake his hand, close the deal and wait for him and his goons to leave, cause I'm not gonna turn my back on them.” 

You nod, trying to follow along with her story but your attention is divided between how her lips quirk up into a smirk every other sentence. You loved this side of Sevika, the side that can't stop talking. The side that loves sharing her time with other people. The side that is heartfelt and open. 

“You still listening?” She says, pulling your thoughts away from her mouth and secret softness.

“Just skip to the good part,” you huff. You're not impatient and you could listen, and watch, her talk for hours. But the attraction between the two of you was a few degrees warmer tonight. You can't afford to overheat, especially since you work together. 

“Right. The good part. They think I'm looking for a fight so they jump me. I handled them fine enough, taking a few punches. Was focused on keeping them off of me. One of ‘em came charging at me with a knife, no fucking clue where he got it from, and aims right at my ribs. I wasn't really thinking, I just pushed his arm down. Fucking slashed my thigh open,” she continued. She bent over the table again and this time you could see her back muscles ripple underneath her shirt. 

You shift your hips slightly, so they brush against her side. 

“Can I see?” You ask. 

She stood up without taking her shot, taking a step to trap you between herself and the table, “I'd have to take off my pants.” 

“Sounds good to me.” 

She chuckles, “Thought you'd let me kiss you before trying to get me undressed.” 

This was the moment one of you would usually chicken out, coughing up a practiced excuse. But tonight was different. Seizing a confidence you've never held in your life before, you close the little distance there is between you. 

“Kiss me, then take your pants off.”

“Thank fuck,” she sighs. 

She reaches her right hand out, cupping your cheek and guides you to her mouth. There is a moment of hesitation from her, when your lips are a hair away. A chance for you to withdraw. But you won't take it. You push up on your tiptoes, smashing your lips into hers. 

Sevika hasn't felt genuine attraction like this in years. Her body feels like it moves on its own accord. Doing the opposite of what she usually does in situations like these. Fingers tracing over skin instead gripping. Tongue feeling the softness of your lips instead of claiming. Heart beating wildly out of her chest instead of being steady. 

Her chemtech arm holds you by your waist. Between her hips pressing into yours, the table behind you and her arm holding you up, you still feel like you'll melt right to the floor. 

Needing more purchase, you wrap your arms around her neck. Her hair tickles your fingertips and you need to feel more of the soft strands. When you tangle your fingers into her hair she shudders, her knees go weak and weight shifts to rest on you.

You take the time to kiss down her neck, feeling her breaths catch in her throat. Feeling her skin vibrate with her moans. When your lips press onto her pulse point you can feel her erratic heartbeat. It almost overwhelms you, how much she softens for you. 

You're surprised when she guides your hands from her hair down to her breast. Without any hesitation, you fondle her breasts, thumbs rubbing over where you know her nipples are. She's letting out moans above you, the sounds deep and throaty. 

She gasps out a ‘wait’ and you pull your hands and face away.  After she catches her breath she asks if you want to go back to her place.

She's staring deep into your eyes and you regret having looked at her mouth so much tonight. She has the prettiest eyes you've even seen, the most enchanting shade of gray you've ever seen. Like a thundercloud full of heavy rain, her eyes always held back a rough storm. Usually she's unreadable, but right now you know exactly what she wants. 

“Mine is probably closer,” you offer. 

At that Sevika nods, muttering out a soft “Take me.” 

You grab her hand and lead her out the Last Drop and in the direction of your apartment. It's far closer than Sevika's, hardly a five minute walk. Three minutes if you were really in a rush. You make it home in two and a half. 

It's a simple studio apartment, small but well within your needs. 

Once you step inside, she grabs you from underneath your ass, hoisting you up to wrap your legs around her torso. Your hands find their way into her hair, fingers dancing on her scalp. You needed her weak for you, and she was falling apart at the seams the more you touched her. She carries you over to the bed, hiding in the corner of your apartment. She sits down on your bed with you sitting on her lap.

Her hands grab at your shirt, shoving the offending fabric over your breasts until you break the kiss to pull your top over your head. You return to the kiss the moment your shirt is discarded behind you, pushing Sevika down into the mattress. She gasps into your mouth as her back thuds against the bed. 

Her hands are flat against your lower back, inching downwards to slip her fingertips beneath the band of your pants. Sevika guides your hips to grind over hers. You rut your hips into her, no rhythm or pace set. 

"You've got such a pretty face," you tell her. "You wouldn't want me to sit on it, would you?" It's something you've been waiting to experience, waiting for the right person. If there was anyone you wanted it with, without hesitation, it's Sevika. 

"I've been waiting for you to say that for so fucking long," Sevika laughs. You laugh with her, finding humor is how long you've spent dancing around each other. 

You roll off of her lap onto your back to shimmy off your pants and underwear. Within seconds, Sevika is sitting up to help you out of your clothes. You lift your hips and she pulls your pants and underwear down on one try. 

Seeing you near fully naked, Sevika admires your body. Every curve is in its perfect place. Every scar is like fine details painted into your skin. Each blemish makes you more and more of a masterpiece. She always thought you were breathtaking but the word felt much more literal now. Breathing was wasted energy, anything other than pouring her full attention into admiring you was useless to her. 

“Sevika… you're staring,” you said under your breath. 

“I- I'm going to die tonight,” she sighs, leaning down to press kisses to your shoulder. She kisses your shoulder until she's grounded herself, no longer lost in passion boiling over in her head. 

“I need you on my face. Now,” she says against your shoulder. 

“Patience.” 

“Fuck that. I need you. I can't wait anymore.” 

She grabs your hips, flipping you over to straddle her waist. She unclasps your bra, pulling the straps off your shoulders. 

“You're still dressed,” you gasped, trying to find an excuse to slow her down. 

“We'll get to that later. Sit on my fucking face.” She grabs at your hips trying to pull you up and shimmy herself down. You admit defeat when she pouts. 

You crawl up her body and place one knee to the left side of her head before swinging the other over her head. You don't sit down on her face yet, shifting your hips back to hover over her shoulders. 

“Fuck, please sit on my face. I can't wait.” her hands grab your thighs, metal and flesh fingers alike digging into you.  

You're ready to give yourself to her, but you're stopped by the look in her eyes. This time she's the one to take your breath away. 

You reach down and stroke her cheek, “You're so pretty.” 

Her hands loosen their grip on your hips, thumbs stroking your skin.

“You're beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful,” she whispered. The moment was so fragile but nothing could break how she felt for you. 

You feel the need to say something in return but the only words that come to mind are about how you're falling for her. And you can't give yourself away just yet. So you shift your hips over her face. Before you take your seat, you notice that you've forgotten a step in your haste. 

“Wait, we need a safe signal.”

“Like I'd fucking tap out,” she rasps, frustrated that you're so close but just out of reach. 

“Still, we need one.” 

“Fine. I'll tap you twice if I need you off. That work?” 

“That works,” you nod, shifting your hips to position right over her mouth. 

“Oh fuck, thank you.” She sighs before you lower your cunt onto her mouth. 

She starts with kisses to your folds, breathing in your scent while she can still breathe. Her lips press kisses everywhere she can reach, mostly over your labia. Her nose nudges right beneath your clit and you drag your hips back to get her right where you need her. Nose now bumping against your clit, your thighs clench from the added simulation. 

You can feel the tension, built up on months of pent up emotions, dissolving with each pass of her tongue. The tension melts down, collecting inside of you and waiting to be released. Her kisses become open-mouthed as your arousal coats her lips. You jerk your hips, moving your clit over her mouth. She licks around the bud, feeling it twitch and beg to be touched. 

Looking down, you can see her eyes are closed, eyes rolled back behind her lips. Her tongue swipes over your clit and you nearly throw your head back to moan, but you can't tear your eyes away from her. She looks too beautiful beneath you. It makes you feel like you're doing more than taking your own pleasure. It makes you feel like you're not on top, you're on your throne. Your insides clench again as she flicks her tongue over your clit. 

Sevika's hips squirm, trying to find some friction to calm the tension inside of her. Everything about you fuels how much she burns for you. She felt warm whenever you were around but with you filling her senses in this moment, she was close to combustion. She could distantly feel a liquid heat drip from her cunt. With each slow drip that leaked from her, her core coiled with excitement. 

Channeling her yearning into eating you out, she works her tongue over your clit. When you start to shift your hips again, she flattens her tongue letting you move wherever you please. 

You grab her by the hair, grinding onto her tongue to chase your orgasm. It's an orgasm you've been chasing everytime you've masterbated thinking about her. A fantasy that has been just out of reach, and even now it mocks you by running away. 

“Sev, I'm so close,” you choked out. 

You ride her tongue, desperation drowning out the aching in your muscles. Your thrusts are messy, but her tongue finds you each time. No matter where you move, Sevika is there. 

Your orgasm is done with being chased. It meets you, just the way you always imagined it would. It breaks the laws of physics, making gravity cease to exist. Your entire body is weightless as you gasp and choke out Sevika's name. Your grip on her hair is the only thing tying you to this world. 

When the world finally rights itself, gravity working as it should, you lift your weight off of her. Her hands pull your hips forward, setting your dripping hole over her mouth. There's so much more of you to be had and Sevika wasn't ready for the moment to end. 

She laps at your opening, groaning with every bit of cum she licks away. Your taste is even sweeter now, or maybe it was psychological. Sevika wouldn't put it past her to think you taste better after coming. You did things to her that she couldn't explain. 

She is pulled from her thoughts when you jerk your hips away and she detaches her lips. You swing a leg over her head and dismount inelegantly.

“Thank you,” she gasps after she catches her breath. When she no longer needs to gasp for air she takes a deep inhale through her nose, catching your lingering scent that coats her face. 

She doesn't have enough time to react before you straddle her hips and push at her top. You're surprised by your surge of energy but you'd be damned if you didn't return the favor. 

“Sev… Fucking strip for me,” you purr. 

She moans your name, hands reaching up to hold your face and bring you down for a kiss. You dodge the kiss, needing her naked for you. 

“Sevika, I want you. Please… you're too beautiful for me not to see.”  

That makes her heart skip a beat. Sevika doesn't accept compliments but you said that word like it's the truth. So she believed you. 

“Okay,” she nodded, her turn to admit defeat tonight. 

You lift off her lap, moving to unbutton her pants. She lifts her hips and you pull down the waist band. Her pants take more force than you expected to pull over her ass but after a couple tries, they slide all the way down to her knees. She begins to kick her pants down to her ankles then toes them off. 

“The scar is pretty obvious,” she says. You're confused for a moment then you remember why the two of you are in your bed in the first place. On her left thigh is a gash, a centimeter thick and 7 centimeters long. It was a deep cut, evident by how raised and pale the scar is. 

“Shit, that's really fucking bad. How'd you survive?” 

“Took two extra doses of shimmer. You'd be surprised by how life saving that shit can be.”

“Huh,” you shrug. She shifts her hips beneath you and you're back in the moment, forgetting her near death experience. Fuck the reason you finally got her into bed, you have her now and nothing else matters.

You are about to tug at her boxers when her chem tech arm reaches down and tears them apart with two tugs. You snort at her impatience. The amusement is soon gone when you see her cunt. Your imagination has failed you, she's prettier than any fantasy you've had. A trail of opaque, white cum leaking from her. 

“You fucking came?” you asked. 

“I can't control myself with you,” was the best explanation she could give. 

“Oh fuck,” you curse. You bend down to press kisses to her torso, trailing down the valley of her muscles. You don't care that you don't have her top off. If you were going to get your way tonight, it will be coming off eventually. But right now you want to feel her. 

You set your pace slow, kissing downwards to her thighs. She opens her legs, making space for you between them and you gladly take it. 

“Sevika, what do you want?” You doubt you could do anything she wouldn't want but it never hurts to be sure. 

Sevika stops to think for a moment. She imagined every single sexual scenario with you. So which one would she choose? A few crossed her mind but one made the coil of excitement return above the rest. The thought of your fingers, more slender and soft than hers, fucking her until she melts into nothing. 

“Finger me,” she pleads. Sevika keeps surprising you, using a desperate tone that goes against her character. 

“Oh shit, I'm going to fuck you so good,” you sighed. 

You get comfortable on your knees, intending to stay there as long as you can. You trail your fingers over her thighs, tracing words into her skin. You can't tell her that you're falling so you write it out. On her left thigh, ‘I love you” is etched. On her right thigh, “Stay with me” is drawn. 

“Stop tickling me, I need you inside me,” she whines. The sound almost kills you, her velvet voice whining for you to enter her. 

You trace your right hand over her thigh and toward her cunt, teasing just a little more. She gasps when you insert your middle finger. Maybe you do too, with how good she feels. You knew she was wet but what makes you lightheaded is how warm she is. 

Her whines no longer shock you, coming out of her with each slow stroke of your finger. Adding a second finger takes her moans up in pitch. Your fingers feel a thousand times better than she dreamed, non-calloused fingers pulling the coil inside her tighter. 

“More,” she pants. You don't want to leave her word up for interpretation so you ask for clarification. 

“More what? Another finger? Faster? Need me to rub your clit? Tell me,” you urged. 

“Faster! Touch my clit!” she gasps out. Sweat begins to coat her forehead. 

Your fingers pick up their speed, curling against her sweet spot. Without removing your fingers, you move over her right thigh, walking up on your knees before settling down. 

In this position you lay at her side, face next to hers and arm reaching down to finger her. Your palm rubs over her clit with each thrust. You dip your head down to attach your lips. She sighs into your mouth, lips parting to let you control the kiss. 

Everytime your lips meet, you find a new favorite way to kiss her. Now, you find you love biting her lip. She pants and moans into your mouth as her pussy squelches from your fingering. She sounds wetter with each thrust, your fingers gliding in with more and more ease. 

“Please,” she pants, “I'll make a mess.” 

It's your turn to groan into her mouth. That sentence was a threat and a promise. She shifts her hips nudging your fingers to the exact right spot. 

You feel her orgasm wet your fingers as she whimpers out your name. Nothing could've prepared you for how magical making Sevika squirt for you would be. Her breaths huffed into your mouth. Her thighs clamped around your hand. Her pussy leaked all over your fingers. 

After thirty seconds pass, her thighs unclench and you remove your hand. You bring it up to your lips but Sevika grabs your wrist before you can taste her. 

“Can we… I want us… I want to be yours.” Sevika says when she catches her breath. 

“As long as I can be yours.” 

She guides your wrist to your mouth and you take your coated fingers into your mouth. Her taste bursts over your tongue, earthy and slightly salty. You lick your fingers clean and commit her taste to memory. Not that you would never taste her again, but it's something you need to remember. Any moment spent not tasting her will be torture from now on. 

Sevika wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you in to lay on her chest. You settle in, placing your head over her heart. The two of you hold each other, you're listening to her heartbeat steady itself. 

“Sorry about your sheets,” you hear her say, words rumbling in her chest. 

You sit up to inspect the damage. The image makes you laugh. Between her thighs is a little heart-shaped puddle. 

“I lo-” you stop before the words come out, “I don't care. It'll wash out.” 

You lay back down to cuddle her, “You came in a heart-shaped puddle, by the way.” 

Sevika snorts, not surprised that her body was outing her feelings for you. She presses a kiss to your forehead, settling for gratefulness that she didn't chicken out tonight. 

“Why did it take so long for us to do this?” you ask. 

“I was afraid you'd figure out that I'm in love with you,” she says. She meant to hide the words but they found their way out. Sevika loves the way you soften her, how you break away all the walls to her heart without trying. 

Your voice is a whisper when you speak, “Are you still scared?” 

“I'm terrified.” 

“Me too.” 

“Scared?” Sevika tries to get you to clarify. She needs to know. 

“No. In love with you.” 

[allfearstofallto]

hii! can i make a request?

I've been thinking about angsty things a bit. say if, reader got pregnant, would she hate it? how would scara/childe react? in my opinion, id like to think that scara thinks of this as a way to tie her down to him more, plus its canon he likes kids!! and as for childe i think he'd be very very happy since he has soooo many siblings, (maybe he wants a lot of kids too??)

and..what if reader miscarried? i have this thought of where scara would still be cold to her but give her breaks and more space than usual, but what if reader completely locks herself in and then when he confronts her about it they get into a huge argument, how would scara tackle that, would he resort to abusive tactics and would it increase readers hatred & distance more?

just a brainrot, you dont have to write about it if you're not comfy^_^

This took me so so so long!! I'm so sorry if you were waiting for it!!

I don't typically write for things like pregnancy because it makes me uncomfortable, but I'd be lying if I said I do not absolutely fucking adore angst and hopelessness.

Parasite

Yandere! Scaramouche x Fem! Reader

Forced Marriage AU

TW: 18+ MDNI, Dark Content, Forced marriage, Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Mentions of Dub/Non-Con

A week late turned into two. Two turned into a month. A month turned into three. And three turned into unusual cravings for foods that didn't go together. Sickness and vomiting clouded the hours of your mornings. Dread filled your body the second you realized what this was. Stress makes your cycles late, you told yourself, stress makes your entire body change, and this was a stressful situation, but stress wasn't causing this, was it?

Scaramouche could tell the changes in you immediately. As someone who constantly kept tabs on your life, it was only fair to assume that he'd noticed your slight fluctuation in weight and lack of asking for your monthly cloths. When you were called into his office, you felt a hot flash all over your body, you assumed it was fear, but it could've also been nausea.

His office was a place filled with dread. The air in the room was too thick and worst of all, he was there. The room made you feel small, the only good thing about it was that he was usually too focused on his mile high stacks of paperwork. Except today. Today his razor sharp gaze was focused on your trembling form as you bowed to him, his eyes following down, then back up.

“Answer me honestly,” he began, hands planted on the wood in front of him, “Are you with child?”

If you could throw up again, you would. Of course, you knew all this time, but you never wanted to say it. You hoped, just hoped and prayed that maybe if you never acknowledged it, it would all go away. It would all be a bad dream. But it was true. There was something disgusting living inside you. And it was his.

“I believe so, my lord,” the words couldn't even completely fall from your lips before you were a blubbering, sobbing mess of anguish and fear. Despite the fact that you were completely breaking down before him, he had a small smile on his face, like he was proud of what he'd done to you.

“That's good,” he said calmly, wiping away your tears and planting a forced kiss upon your face. His touch felt cold as ice, but his hands against you made you want to melt your skin away.

The reaction to the “good news” was immediate, whether that was good or bad was up in the air, but everything changed. The tight obi of all the kimono you owned would put too much pressure on your budding stomach, new one's were ordered to be ready as you grew more in size. Your diet was changed completely, less of the Inazuma raw delicacies and more lean meat and vegetables. Daily classes of calligraphy and tea ceremonies were switched to resting with your feet up or light stretching, everything to keep you happy and healthy during your pregnancy.

The biggest change was Scaramouche himself. A man filled with so much hatred and disgust, was suddenly being kinder. Or trying to at least. You watch him open his mouth to make a comment, only to shut it again in favor of saying something still rude, but less insulting.

The Scaramouche that believed that he could take your body whenever he pleased was long gone, even though that was what got you in this predicament in the first place. He'd taken to leaving you in the middle of the night and going to the bathroom to sate his urges. He'd come back with cold damp hands and lay next to you, a protective hand over your stomach as he kissed your cheek and told you how much he loved you.

The day you saw blood between your legs and felt an aching pain in your stomach was a joyous one indeed. A part of you wanted to scream out in glee, but you didn't want to wake your already on edge husband. The blood that coated your fingers could only mean one thing. One good thing. It was gone. You were free of it. Almost immediately, the dark air that seemed to linger over your body vanished and you let out a sigh of relief.

Scaramouche was informed shortly before breakfast that same morning. You relayed the information to a maid, who then told him, whispering the words in his ear so quietly, it sounded like she was speaking gibberish. His face, his expression, changed to one shock, then horror, then pain. You didn't even know he could make such a face, yet there he was with tears in his eyes.

“Wh-what happened?” There was that tone again. The one you were used to. The anger and distaste for you in his voice. He slammed his fist down on the desk, turning his head away from you as his voice became high and breathy, so desperate for answers, “What did I do wrong?”

You stood in his office awkwardly, even this display from a person you hated, this display of agony was hurting you as well. You thought it would be funny. Seeing the man who pulled you from your home and forced you into marriage in pain was supposed to make you happy, but you felt your own chest clenching, felt your hands tremble.

“I-i suppose…I was stressed, my lord,” you muttered, his already labored breaths hitching at those words. The few months you were carrying that thing inside your body, was when he asked for less from you. He expected you to laze around all day and relax. For your body to fall into a daze like trance of naps and delicious food. He wanted happiness for both you and his child that you carried, yet you were still the most stressed you'd ever been in your entire life, knowing that he had something inside you. Something that would continue to fester and grow, until it eventually ate you alive.

He sat back in his office chair dejected, hurt, and empty. Scaramouche's normally sharp, glaring eyes were wide as he stared at the ceiling, body limp as he bit his lip, “Leave me,” he sighed, his voice barely above a whisper. Had it not been for the quietness of the room, you wouldn't have heard him.

Leave him you did, closing the door as silently as possible and not lingering behind. You felt yourself finally stop tensing, telling yourself that all your woes were over, for now. The thing was gone. You were happy. For once, even if unintentionally, you'd won over your captor.

[thedisablednaturalist]

Tw for weight loss mention

The whole exercise will cure your disability thing is a fucking joke. Yes exercise is beneficial for your health, but only if you aren't already on shaky foundations. You need to be on a treatment plan that WORKS before going into the maintenance phase. You wouldn't do regular maintenance on a broken item, you'd work on getting it up and running first. And maybe it would even need specialized maintenance afterwards if it's especially fragile.

I have fibromyalgia and acute degenerative disc disease. My immune system attacks my nerves and discs in my spine are slowly calcifying and causing the bones to constrict and damage my nerves (i think thats how it works). I have days where it feels like my body is on fire from nerve pain and days where it feels like my spine is about to rip from my back. And days where I have both (like today!). I get numbness in my hands and feet. I have horrible migraines. I can no longer walk unaided more than maybe 5 minutes without severe pain. I have something wrong with my knees and hips but the doctors don't know what yet.

You'd think I live an obviously seditary lifestyle correct?

Hell no.

I walk aided on average 6 miles a day over difficult terrain OUTSIDE of regular activity almost everyday. My legs are muscular and strong. I get my heart rate up and a good sweat, like all the gym rats swear on. I am often doing physical labor such as weeding, digging, sample collecting, pruning trees etc.

I'm not saying this to make other disabled people feel bad or prove that they can do anything if they just tried harder. This is an extremely painful lifestyle I've chosen that takes a lot of lifestyle management AND BOUNDARIES to keep up with the work. I also have an extremely forgiving boss who is also physically disabled and knows what I'm going through (deciding between your passion and your health and having to do so each and every day) No one should ever be expected to do what I do. I'm not even sure if I should be doing this myself.

This is to prove that exercise? Has not cured me. My muscles are strong but still hurt as if they're broken and I have to take more breaks than my coworker. I am constantly getting out of breath and I flare up regularly if I'm not careful. I am in excellent physical condition outside of my disabilities. I go to different doctors several times a month to get checked out.

I previously went through a diet program and lost a lot of weight (basically starving myself and got off my depression meds which cause weight gain but are also the only ones that work) and guess what? That didn't do shit either!!! I still felt horrible!!! I've since gained back the weight anyway after switching to focusing on adding more nutrient dense foods than taking stuff away from my diet (also muscle weighs more than fat, and fat helps cushion my aching joints and spine).

The muscle doesn't do shit for my disabilities outside of maybe some stability. Exercising everyday doesn't make the pain go away. Without my medications and aids and nutrition plans and steroid injections and spinal adjustments and physical therapy (that takes my fibro and spine into account) and alternative work methods I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I DO. Exercise alone is like trying to make a car run with no oil. Yes it'll go but it'll get more and more damaged till it can't and will need its entire engine replaced!

And yet I see new doctors and they look at me and the first thing out of their mouths is do I exercise? I should try doing a little every day :) and then i fucking blow their minds when I tell them about my job. No longer can they use that fucking cop out on me. I've been through this rodeo. Ive tried their suggestions. If you are in pain and nothing is helping? Exercise ain't going to do SHIT. You need to get to a point where you can move without severe pain first (if that's even possible). Then and only then should you consider implementing regular exercise if you can. Also weight loss talk is a red flag and a cop out. They made me lose 50+ lbs before they would look into the reasons behind my pain. Weight loss did nothing for me and exacerbated my pain.

I am living proof that all that shit is a lie and a cop out. That is the point of this post. I cannot believe people with serious medical conditions are being forced to put their bodies through extreme duress just to be believed. You are not disabled because of laziness or because you sit a lot. Plenty of people live seditary lifestyles and do not live in constant excruciating pain (they may develop disabilities later in life due to this however, and should be doing preventative exercises to maintain their health)

Please, share my story with doctors. Use me as an example. I am proof that "exercise first treat later" does not work. I should not have had to wait years to have my pain validated. I'd rather hundreds of fakers get (what? A blood test? An MRI?) than one chronically ill person get told to try yoga and go away by a doctor.

[tinyidle]

Can you do scenario for Yeosang and Miyeon? Home Gym! Miyeon been distrusting Yeosang by touching him anywhere and he can't risk it so he immediately bring her into their bedroom and dominated her!

making this into a drabble (that might turn into a full blown fic as i write this because who knows really) let's goooo nsfw, based-ish on irl (not too much tho now since they're no longer mcs :( ), groping, overstimulation, pussy slapping, slight degradation, fellatio, insatiable!miyeon, teasing!miyeon, switch!sub!miyeon, brattamer-ish!yeosang, switch!dom!yeosang, all fiction ofc; 1.27k wc

having exchanged numbers from their once-in-a-blue-moon merging of schedules, miyeon was surprised with how easy it was to find interest and similarity with yeosang, and so was yeosang with miyeon. both were current mcs for music shows, both were visuals in their group, were very much dotted on constantly, and had an awfully quiet side to them. the only two extremely stark differences were age, heights and genders, but even looking past that they could very easily get along.

both of them were also workout gurus, so they've been going to the gym as partners for the past three months. miyeon recently got a new apartment and, knowing how much yeosang likes to exercise, offered him to work out with her at her house whenever they couldn't necessarily go to their companies' gym. he would always accept because it was a place to workout with a partner who was 100% willing, and miyeon was 1000% willing to work out.

it was a pretty chill day for both them, so yeosang got to miyeon's house. when miyeon opened the door, yeosang was met with a tempting sight: a tight athletic crop top with loose athletic shorts, showing off her toned abs and legs. he always giggled at the thought, considering miyeon's only worked out for a couple of weeks.

refocusing on why he came, yeosang greeted the older. "good morning, noona," he said.

miyeon made a small grimace before smiling brightly. "good morning to you, too. but you don't have to call me noona, yeosang. just call me, myeon, okay? come in," she invited him.

as the two walked to the small gym area, the man looked around before putting his workout jacket on the nearby coat hanger. "so, myeon, what do you think h we should work on together before doing our own thing?" he asked.

"how about arm workouts?" she suggested. miyeon had an ulterior motive, which yeosang obviously didn't know about, but hopefully through this workout he would cave in to his desires like she's been wanting him to for the past month.

"okay," he unknowingly agreed. "we'll start with bicep curls. my goal is for my guns to pop," he joked before flexing his arms, showing his already hard muscles. miyeon but her lip from the sight before nodding in agreement.

they started working out, miyeon following the directions of the alluring man beside her. after ten minutes, yeosang felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around.

miyeon's eyes shone mischievously, while her lips pursed outward form a slight pout. "im trying to lift my dumbbell to get my bicep to protrude, but i don't see any results like you."

yeosang snorted before moving behind miyeon, holding the dumbbell near her hand, inadvertently causing his own arm to slightly flex. as the man was trying to teach miyeon how to properly use the weight, he caught miyeon staring at his arm. "myeon! eyes down here," he instructed. "you can't see what im doing to your arm if you keep looking at mine."

miyeon looked up innocently, though her fingers started tapping where yeosang's fingers connected with the weighted metal. "why not? i can see everything you're doing to help me get it right."

yeosang let out a sigh of annoyance before shaking his head. "let's focus on our own exercises instead. we have plenty of time left today for me to show you how to properly bicep curl," he said before resting the dumbbell on the bench behind him.

this, however, did not stop miyeon from teasing the man. she would do squats in front of him doing chest curls, planks near his line of vision as he did donkey kicks, mountain climbs with her ass beside his head when he simply wanted to do weighted pushups.

he simply had enough.

dropping the weighted jump rope, yeosang turned miyeon around from her neck stretching session to confront her. "noona-- miyeon! what are you doing? are you trying to get me upset?"

his brows furrowed as his dark brown eyes bore into hers, but all he could see was... want in her eyes?

in normal circumstances, miyeon would profusely apologize, but she had a plan that was sure to work. looking deep into the man before confessing, "sangi, i want you to make the first move. "

his eyes widened. she wanted-- what? "you want me to-"

"fuck me," she answered seductively nonchalant as her hand rested on his thumping chest.

yeosang immediately pulled away from miyeon, eyes wide. "what?!"

"yeosang, this has been bothering me since we first met," she started. "and every time you look at me, i feel it again. the feeling of passion inside of you that i know you have. ive always liked you, loved you even, but now i want to know how it feels to be fucked by you."

the confused man had to process everything happening all at once. a once-in-a-lifetime woman. asking him. a one-in-a-million man. to please her. all the guys in the world, and she chooses him. he has to take the plunge. "okay ill do it. one thing, though."

miyeon nods.

"i get to dominate you for teasing me throughout our work out. deal?"

the woman's face lit up and yeosang noticed, making him smile as well. "of course, sir."

--

it had to be miyeon's third orgasm and she hasn't even seen yeosang's cock yet. he made her cum from his fingers and his tongue. now he's trying to make her cum by spanking her abused cunt.

"go on," yeosang coaxes before landing another sound-cracking smack to miyeon's cunt, bent over his lap. "apologize for earlier. "

she couldn't take it anymore. miyeon's hands gripped the man from under her's pants. "im sorry for being a slutty tease."

"good girl," he praised her. "now, look at me. i want to see your pretty face as i fuck your mouth."

the girl slowly opened her eyes and did as told. he smiled before taking out his hardening dick from his bottoms and standing up straight as she got off his lap and on her knees.

miyeon gasped at the sight. he was huge, red at the meaty tip, and slightly curved. just like she likes them. she licked her lips before closing her eyes and opening her mouth.

but before she could have him, she felt the tip swat against her cheek. "look in my eyes and have some respect, miyeon," yeosang teased. miyeon was considering the man being mean, but she realized she was getting what she deserved.

looking into the man's sadistic eyes, miyeon asked, "can i suck your cock, sir?"

without any words, the satisfied yeosang gently held the back of the older's head and guided it to his awaiting length.

miyeon took his girth into her wet and warm mouth without any hesitation, swallowing every inch and sucking for all she's worth. a few moments later, she felt the tip begin to hit her throat, causing her to gag.

he was careful not to go too far, giving the older woman the time she needed to adjust herself. when she finally go used to the thickness, he pushed deeper and began pounding her throat. he had a light hold around the back of her hair while miyeon whined and teared at the pace and width of his length.

yeosang pulling himself from her mouth placed her on her back after several minutes. "id love to finish in your slutty mouth," he panted, pushing miyeon's legs to her chest. they both groaned loudly as the younger sunk deep in her cunt. "but i think id rather finish in this slutty pussy."

[ihatekoalassuck]

Ive been thinking about the digital circus cast but with tma entities all day, so here they are:

Pomni- Spiral Victim, she is trapped in this strange place that looks like an old video game and is full of sanity destroying horrors, and she cant remember who she is and why shes here, of course its Spiral. Also i maybe a bit biased but I always associated clowns and circuses with the Spiral instead of the Stranger.

Jax- Hear me out, Lonely Victim. Ofc he spends a lot of time around the other characters but he's not actually treating them like people, more like play things. He never really opens up or acts genuinely to anyone, he just bullies them, and I think separating yourself from the only people around can be very isolating. : )

Ragatha- Buried Victim, this one was pretty hard to figure out because it isn't that obvious, at first I was thinking flesh but I think the Buried fits much better because she seems to be under a lot of pressure carrying the emotional weight of everyone. Shes always trying to help everyone and probably fears messing up even a little bit (Maybe like not fake laughing convincingly enough), because if she does everything will fall apart. I'm thinking Luisa (the strong girl from Encanto) except Ragathas not physically strong and giving into the pressure would have much worse consequences.

Gangle- Stranger Victim, I mean shes literally a comedy mask. Shes constantly going through major mood swings with the comedy mask and all. Thing is we don't really know how much her personality shifts between her masks, but changing suddenly at any time to something you might not even recognize as yourself feels very Stranger to me. There's this thing in my head thats the Stranger but your the Stranger that Johny never used, but I feel like if he did it would be similar to Gangle.

Zooble- Flesh Victim. What do you want from me, they literally, physically switches out their body parts and sometimes falls apart. It's like that one episode where the workout people attach extra arms and mouths and stuff but pg. Also same dude.

Kinger- Spiral Victim, hes insane in cannon. What do you want from me.

Bubble- Slaughter Avatar. Behind his goofy smile and beady eyes is only a barley contained murderous instinct. Do not trust him.

Caine- I don't know. He isn't actively trying to cause fear and he doesn't seem to be scared himself. I lean heavily towards the Web because he controls everything in the circus but he isn't manipulating anyone and they have a choice in whether or not they play (Kinda). Maybe Beholding because he watches everyone? The stranger is also a choice because he acts almost like a human, like an AI pretending to be a person, and that is exactly what he is. We'll probably just have to wait and see.

[bugs1nmybrain]

can you make a Aizawa or Hizashi x bigender reader.

🖤Shouta Aizawa x Bigender!Reader Headcanons💛🐈‍⬛️

I have never written for Present Mic, and I don't want to botch his character at the moment, but I will definitely consider writing him in the future. I actually like the idea of Aizawa being polyamorous with the reader and Hizashi. Maybe I'll try to think up something fun with the three of them in the future. These are just headcanons, but I could make a bigender reader in a one-shot in the future.

My gender identity is similar to bigender, but because of personal reasons, I usually have to mask as a cis-gender girl. I hope I wrote these headcanons with proper consideration.

🐈‍⬛️👍minor's do not interact 💀👍

Warnings: some sfw, but there's some saucy stuff,, mentions of misgendering and dysphoria, soft, some sex headcanons specific to afab and amab people, anal and vaginal sex, mentions of HRT, aizawa is my boy n I love him, not proofread yet

I personally see Aizawa as someone who's bisexual but doesn't give himself a label. For you being bigender, he isn't bothered at all.

When he sees you express as more masculine than feminine, or vice versa, he doesn't really pay much mind to it. He thinks you are incredible no matter what you wear or the gender roles you assume.

Explaining your gender identity can be scary, and Aizawa is a very direct person about his opinions about things. When he assured you that he takes your gender identity seriously, it was a weight off your shoulder.

He will actively ask how he can make sure that you are comfortable. He's not ignorant.

That applies to your physical presentation but also to your personality. So he doesn't care at all if you're being "girly" or "one of the guys," that's not how he is. He appreciates you as you are.

He is supportive, and if he's going to meet people with you, his eraserhead mindset makes him protective of you and he is always paying attention to how others treat you.

Corrects pronouns like no one's business

He will stick up for you if anyone misgenders you, make no mistake of that

And if someone tries to invalidate you, his stare is enough to get them to start walking

Some people who are bigender mask in public or in general, and if you did, he'd understand that. He'd respect your wishes, and when you two are in a more domestic location, he'll address you as what you want him to call you, and lets you be yourself without having to worry that he doesn't see you the same way than when you're "being the other gender."

He secretly thinks you're cute as fuck, but will hardly ever admit it (he'll insinuate it, he can get flirty when he's feeling bold).

This guy has no fashion sense most of the time, but he thinks your style flatters you, and it's easy for you to seduce him sometimes. When you both get home and he's feeling it, he'll start to lecture you, but he isn't disappointed in you in the slightest.

"Do you have any idea how handsome/pretty you've been today?" in a teasing tone.

You'll feign ignorance (tho it turns you on so bad).

"No, you just constantly have to be a brat, huh?"

It gets spicy from then on out. Shouta's sex drive isn't high, but when he knows he has time to kill, he'll rizz you up so bad

He'll have you thinking, "Aizawa?? Are you there??"

Aizawa is big, and so anal sex can cause anxiety, but he's patient and makes sure you're as comfortable as you can be. He'd never pressure you.

Sex can be complicated as someone who isn't on the binary, but Aizawa is here to listen and learn. He's sexually aroused by people no matter their anatomy, so he's open to whatever you're comfortable with. Sex isn't simply penis and vagina, and he knows that.

If you have a penis and aren't comfortable bottoming on a physical level, he's ok with being the recipient. He's a dom-leaning switch, in my opinion. But if you want him inside of you, he is obliging.

The same goes for vaginal sex. He wants to meet your needs because he loves you and wants you to enjoy having sex with him.

He'll make sure to address you properly and ask what you call your genitals and other body parts. Pronouns and pet names are also on his priority when making sure you're comfortable. He'd never want to make you dysphoric

He's proud of you. For everything. Having the courage to be yourself in a world that has a limited view about gender takes guts, and he reminds you of that when you're feeling dysphoric. He'll do everything in his power to support you

He will also completely support you if you decide that HRT or further is something that would affirm your identity better. Will never give you the "I miss who you were" schpeel because that's irrational and he doesn't feel that way, you are who you've always been to him.

He'll notice when you start showing changes and will probably avoid drawing attention to it unless he knows you want to hear him compliment your progress. He thinks you're wonderful with every passing day.

Your gender is a part of who you are, and he is proud of his bigender partner. You're his, no matter what anyone thinks. No matter if you doubt yourself, he sees someone who's strong and resilient and he loves you with all his heart.

[clumsiestgiantess]

Third chapter of Alexis & Erica’s story (I think I’m going to start calling it the other-world universe because that’s what I tag it as). The final intro chapter. Woah, another new ability?

all chapters linked here

[Two figures, one dark alley]

I made my way to the city again.  This time I took the proper amount of caution, because if I'm honest with myself, I wasn't paying all that much attention to where I was stepping before.  However, the closer I got to the city, the harder it was to find some open space.  In fact, the buildings were almost literally within my reach, but I had no way to get any closer without carving a path right through them.  Most of the larger buildings on the outskirts of the city only came to chest height.  Still, that was tall enough to stop me in my tracks.  I stood on my tiptoes, trying to scout out any signs of a giant robot battle like the one Liam created yesterday, but there wasn't a single piece of evidence that anything was out of place.

As I shifted my weight to one leg so I could see around an office building, the pavement of the empty lot I was standing in cracked beneath me.  I flinched, kneeling down to examine the shattered concrete below.  Am I really that heavy?  “Giant robots are invading!”  I scrambled to my feet in an instant.  My brother’s story is happening now!?  I looked around wildly, trying to spot who had yelled.  With all the tall city buildings, it was hard to get a clear view of everything around me.  I was used to a bit more open space.  Now, my vision was constantly obscured, but I tried my best to find out what was happening.

Rushing down an empty street as carefully as I could manage, I found a view of the highway into the city.  An explosion pictured on an electronic billboard dragged my eyes away from the busy road.  Large robots walked in thematic slow motion as the screen faded out.  The board announced: “See the new movie from the Battlebots universe, in theaters now!”  I took a relieved breath as I watched the preview switch with an insurance ad on the billboard's display.  My brother's stories were only movies, not reality.  There was no mass destruction, no horrible demise of the human race.  That's a relief.

The sun was already sinking below the horizon; I'd spent a lot more time than I realized finding a pathway out to the city.  I thought about leaving, but I’d come all that way.  Why not enjoy the city lights while I’m here?  Carefully checking the lot I’d come from, I sat down for a while and watched the city come to life for the night.  It was a nice break from everything that had happened in the world so far.  For once I had a moment to myself to enjoy without having to dodge vehicles, people, or houses.  This is great, I thought happily, time is stopped in my world right now.  I could come here and do whatever I like for as long as I want without any consequences.  If I wanted to, I could even sit here and do nothing for days and it would only take a few seconds in my own world.

I don't know how long I sat there for, but eventually I got up to leave.  The sun had long disappeared, and I was getting bored.  Just as I picked myself up, I heard something crash to the ground.  Standing frozen halfway bent, I looked for what caused the noise, fearing I'd broken something again.  "Uggh, let go of me you-!"  I quickly stood straight up, searching for the source of the voice.  My search led me to a run-down club a few blocks away and two people fighting in the alley beside it.  It was almost completely dark in the part of the alleyway I could see, and I didn’t have room to bend down either.  Despite my best efforts, I couldn't make out their appearances.  "This is the last straw, I'm done."  It was the voice I'd heard in the empty lot.  "What do you mean you're done?" another voice asked.  It was gruffer, more masculine.  "I mean you can go rot in hell you psycho!  I'm done dealing with your shit.  I can't stand another second of your fucked up little game where I hopelessly try to please you!  Is this where you've been sneaking off to?  You know what, I don't care.  I'm done.  Goodbye and good riddance!"  I don't know what I just stumbled upon, but by the sound of it, nothing good.  

It might be best for me to just leave; pretend I didn't see anything.  Slowly, I began backing away into the street.  "Where do you think you're going?"  For a brief moment, I thought the gruff voice was referring to me and I flinched.  Instead, the owner of the voice grabbed the other person and yanked them back into the alley, sending them crashing against a dumpster.  "What the hell, you could’ve broken my arm!" yelped the one who'd been pulled back.  The violent one sneered, "I'm going to break more than just your arm by the time I'm done with you!"  "What!?"  I spun around, watching as one hulking figure approached the other, halfway on the ground.  This little fight was going too far.  I had to stop him, but how?  I wanted to pick the threatening person up and throw them full force into the city, but I couldn’t just go around attacking people, even if they might deserve it.  

That's when it hit me.  If the smaller world is a recreation of the one on the kids table in mine, I could play out this argument any way I want like Liam can, only it’ll be real for me, because I’m the one who can use the table.  In seconds I was back in my own world, searching frantically for what might have been the place I'd seen.  Try as I might, I couldn’t find it.  The little building probably hadn’t made the cut for the model city.  However, through other buildings around it, I was able to gauge where the place would’ve been in the model.  I reached for the alleyway beside it, picturing the place in my head, and the whole table phased out before me, unveiling the other-world.  Briefly my fingers fell through open air before meeting the back of the man, who was turned away from me.  He had the other person’s arm gripped tightly in his hand, but once I touched him, he froze in place.  

My nerves spiked before I realized I was still invisible.  What the-  What happened?  Can I not change things like my brother?  I cautiously pulled my hand away and the man stepped backwards with it, still strangely frozen.  Huh.  Uncertainly, I used one finger to move his arm and make him pick up an empty can on the ground nearby.  I kneeled down, thoroughly shocked, leaving him frozen in place.  It's like a puppet on a string, I realized.  This is so much more than what my brother can do.  And so much worse.  I didn't particularly like the idea of controlling people like that.  Not only were the man’s movements weird and unnatural, it just felt wrong.

"John?"  The other person had gotten up, likely confused with his sudden strange movements.  ("I uh, I have to go now.")  I said quickly while turning him towards the parking lot.  Apparently I can speak through them too.  The man, John apparently, had said the same thing I had just as I said it.  I walked him a good distance away from the other person in the alley, but as I walked, I’d grazed the side of a building while I wasn’t looking.  I turned quickly in horror, expecting part of it to come crumbling away, but it was completely unscathed.  My side had passed directly through the building.  

While I was controlling one of these small people, my whole form became strangely intangible.  I tested this on cars in the lot.  Each one passed through my outstretched hand.  After testing out my new ability on a few other objects, I finally let the man go, willing him to drive away afterwards.  It worked, and I watched him look around confusedly, get in his car, and leave.  A quick swipe at a signpost proved that I was no longer intangible.  It fell to the ground at my touch.  I returned to my own world shortly after he drove out of sight and spent the rest of the day at home, sorting through what I'd learned.

My life then became an uncertain divide between worlds.  Spending too much time in either place bored me.  Whenever I got tired of one place I would slip seamlessly into the other.  After finding my strange new ability to control unsuspecting people, I’d decided I would only use it if absolutely necessary.  Using the tiny people like puppets felt a bit too invasive, even if they were just plastic figures.  Besides, what would I even do with them?  

The other-world was a lot easier for me to traverse now, too.  I spent most of my days practicing dodging houses, cars, and the like.  Not to brag, but I was getting pretty good.  The whole process was akin to a game of Twister or hopscotch.  Of course there were some mishaps.  People walking or driving around couldn’t see me, so every once and a while something or someone would travel directly into or underneath my feet.  Cars were the biggest problem.  Driving at a high speed directly into an invisible wall such as myself probably wasn't great, but I couldn’t really stop them.  A visual warning would completely counter the whole invisibility trick I needed to prevent everyone from freaking out.

I returned to the same empty lot that I had sat in to watch everything a few days prior — again finding that it was the closest I could get to the city.  Standing there unable to go any further, I watched again as everything began to light up for the night.  Neon lights flickered awake and large skyscrapers cast grand displays that lit up their sides.  The rushing cheers of a large crowd suddenly erupted from one side of the city.  There must be a game in the stadium tonight.  

A massive congregation was gathered in and around the football stadium to my left; cheers and music echoed from it.  Stepping over smaller buildings, I started off in that direction to try and watch.  I remember when my dad got the stadium set.  He was planning on re-selling it for more than he bought it for, but my brother insisted on having it, so it ended up as his birthday present instead.  The stadium was in an entirely different spot on the table than it was in the city, though.  Probably because we’d moved it around so many times; it was a big set and took up a lot of table space.

It was mind boggling to think that the plastic recreation from my world and the large steel structure in this one could possibly be the same thing, but they had to be.  Despite the variety of differences, they were both so eerily similar to each other.  I made my way over through parking lots and whatnot, shuffling across the outskirts of the city.  On my way through its rougher edges I came across the club from a few days earlier.  I couldn't have cared less about finding it again had it not been for a familiar voice shouting and laughing and definitely drunk.

I sighed, stepping closer.  It was the same voice I'd heard in the alleyway, the person I hadn't controlled.  Under the streetlights I could see that she was a young woman, probably in her early 20’s or so, with subtly dark skin and curled mahogany brown hair.  She shuffled over to what might’ve been her car, except when she tried to unlock it, a car further down the lot beeped instead.  However, she persisted trying to open the one she was already at, setting off the car’s alarm.  

A cop car pulled into the parking lot shortly after, and found her there.  By the time they pulled up, the young woman had given up using her key, and was trying to force the door open through brute strength instead.  Suffice to say, she didn't get very far.  The cops managed to get her into the back of their cruiser, saying something about how she was 'attempting to drive under alcoholic influence' or something like that.  Intrigued, I followed the car as best I could.  I managed to get all the way to a county police station, where the young woman disappeared into the building with the two officers.  

Well, I have all the time I want, and I'm curious to see how this plays out.  I waited the night by the station, leaning cautiously on the side of the building.  Finally, just as the sun had cleared away the dark of night, the young woman came storming back out of the station.  “Fuck, how did I let myself get that drunk?” she muttered as she walked past me to a bus stop by the road.  I carefully pushed myself away from the building so it didn’t collapse, and inched closer to the stop across the parking lot.  “Can’t believe this, now I have a stupid fine to pay on top of my rent that I already can’t pay anyways.”  I could help her, I realized while she complained.  I can easily get the money she needs from my brother's space bank heist set.  

The set was the newest addition to my brother’s collection.  I remembered that it came with miniature ATMs that held tons of fake bills.  There's a bunch of money I could easily take for her.  Maybe then I'll stop running into her problems when I'm here.  I waited until she got on the bus and followed it back to the club, where she found that her actual car had been towed.  "Can this day get any worse!?"

Thinking back to the night before, I tried to remember what her car looked like, the one that had beeped when she tried to open the wrong door.  I always stop in a towing yard on the way to this spot.  It was fenced in and open enough for me to stand in comfortably, so I would stop there to take a breather and find another open space.  Her car had to be there somewhere.  Following the path I’d taken earlier, I came to the tow yard and found her car parked close to the entrance, just as I'd suspected.  How am I supposed to get this thing back, though?  I can always control someone to get it.  I thought for a moment.  Did this situation count as an emergency?  Not really, but I'm only helping out like I did last time.  In the end, I snagged one of the workers and had him tow the car back to the club's parking lot.  When I returned, I found the young woman back at the bus stop.  I had the tow truck driver leave the car where it had been parked the other night and drive away.

I realized then that the young woman hadn't noticed her car was back yet.  After thinking of a way to get her attention, I grabbed the dumpster from the alley and brought it down hard on the ground a bit beyond where the car was parked.  She whirled around at the sudden noise.  "What the-  Is that..?  That's my car!  But, it's- How? I swear that wasn't there before."  She ran over to it from across the lot and practically jumped in.  I watched her drive off and followed her back to the apartment where she lived.  

Finally leaving her off there, I returned to my own world in search of the bank heist set.  Eventually, I found it amongst the boxes of other sets and board games piled high on a shelf.  I opened it up and dug through it, searching for the tiny stickers that read ATM.  When I found one and tore it open, a pile of tiny plastic bills came tumbling out.  Perfect.  Hmm, I wonder if I'm robbing a space world's bank right now...  Nah, I don't think deep space banks are real, I thought, chuckling to myself.  That’s too crazy even for the smaller world, plus this thing isn’t on the table.

Back at the apartment building, I realized I didn’t know where the young woman lived to put away the money.  I sat squished in an old baseball field behind her building to think.  That small area was the only place remotely big enough for me to fit in, so I would have to make it work.  Finally, I remembered how I could go through solid objects while I was attached to someone.  Huh, I guess it's useful for more than just controlling people.  

Forgetting about my self-made rules, I grabbed a person walking by and had them stand by the building while I peered in.  It was mid-morning now, and most people were at work or someplace else.  I found her room easily, it was one of the few that still had someone in it, and left the person I'd controlled to continue wherever they were headed.  Carefully, I slid open the young woman's balcony door and eased the money down inside once she left the room, trying not to break anything.  I was only a bit shocked to find that the plastic bills had transformed into real paper money when I crossed worlds.  After double checking I hadn't left any clues to where the money came from, I headed back to my own world, satisfied with what I’d done.  

Sometimes I still wonder about that day.  Why I decided to help her out of the hundreds of other people I'd encountered in the other-world.  Life went on as usual after that, I took a break from one world to deal with the other.  At school I realized I undoubtedly had the coolest life of everyone there, and I couldn't tell anyone.  Though, come to think of it, I didn’t really want to.  Apart from the slight hints of days when I canceled all my plans and snuck away to the basement, there was no way for anyone to suspect the truth.  Was it selfish of me to keep the discovery of a whole other world to myself?  Maybe, but the other-world was much more comforting when I was there alone.  Well, alone with the millions of people who live there.  But they don't count, they aren’t real anyways.

[07-bilin]

swimmer au - haikyuu!

₊˚ପ⊹ summary: haikyuu boys as swimmers and their strokes cause your girl is a swimmer and i just see a lot of them as swimmers LMAO

₊˚ପ⊹ warnings: none

₊˚ପ⊹ a/n: ive been into haikyuu for years but im starting to get back into it due to edits on my fyp so have this lovely set of hc with my sport :) - p.s: let me know if you want more!

₊˚ପ⊹ w/c: 779

karasuno

hinata: he gives off breast-stroke vibes lowkey like that man can jump and sure as hell his legs can bend in that manner very fast-- he'd probably only do 100 breast and then during medly he would swim the 50 for their relay team. might also be in free every now and then to y'know compete against kageyama lmao.

adding on to this hinata would probably be very similar to how he is in the anime eating 24/7 and sleeping and slacking off tbh. seems like the guy who'd break his cap multiple times during regions or something costing the team a hefty sum. also the guy to write on his body with words like "eat my bubbles" and shit.

kageyama: its giving free sprinter. swims 50-100 free and occasionally the 200 in which he legitimately sprints the whole thing. hated being in relays with other people during his middle school club years, especially the 200 free cause its a "life or death" situation. eventually in his high school years he softened up a bit and gave tips to his relay members.

he makes sure to plan his carb intake days for meets. other people may think its funny but kageyama takes his yoga very seriously and it began to rub off on the other first years lowkey. is the victim to chicken fights on free days at practice resulting in him having to buy dinner for everyone.

tsukishima: for how long he is, he very much gives me a backstroke swimmer. the type of guy to say back is the best because you don't inhale as much water but every time you see a professional picture of him taken he's struggling to breathe. does 100 back and then back during medly.

in his earlier years of swimming he swam fly because he has a huge wingspan but later in his years he switched to back because he claimed that he didn't have enough strength for the stroke. (real)

nekoma

kuroo: my boy just reeks of fly swimmer. he's crazy. he does it from the 50 medly up to the 200 fly. during meets he likes to put on fake tattoos to seem "manly" but they end up washing away in the warm-up pool and the team gets in trouble for the mess.

the captain who makes sure there is a team dinner every single week. love's dryland days because he gets to show everyone how much he can lift in the weight room. is also a menace to society and will write shit to tick off other teams.

kenma: is also a breast swimmer because lowkey he likes the different feel to it. in reality its because it was called the 'froggy' stroke when he was younger. every time he comes to practice he thinks to himself why he chose a sport where he can't breathe.

that one swimmer on the team who constantly "forgets" his suit and can't swim. (kuroo carries and extra one in case this happens). has lost too many hair ties in the pool, more than he can count tbh.

fukurodani

bokuto: he is a fly/free sprinter. loves the feeling of fly when he swims it. does the 50-100 for both strokes. he's really goofy and has a whole collection of speedo's with different designs that he likes to wear on specific days of the week. do not let this man near the speaker in the weight room, he will be screaming lyrics at the top of his lungs.

he probably dq's a lot of the relays from excitement and falls in the pool sometimes. on free days he likes to go beneath the depths of the water and grab peoples legs and drag them down into the water. tries to dive off the diving boards but has always ended in belly flops or just a big splash of water. is not a morning practice type of guy.

akaashi: he gives me back/distance swimmer. he's just like yeah lemme zone out for a bit and then like 4 mins later he's done and he's like oh okay cool. for back he does the medly with bokuto as back and then for distance he does the 200 and 500 free. the type of guy to let out sighs after stretching, you for sure can hear his bones cracking as well.

during meets you can see akaashi on the bench with his sony headphones on top of his cap nodding to his music. (its probably rnb). the type to bring his own equipment to practice rather than using the faculties. bokuto and him have matching pj's they wear to every single meet.

[ben-talks-art]

You know what's a big shame about Star vs the forces of evil?

There were actually a lot of really good messages being talked about in this series, and it's unfortunate that nobody ever brings them up.

I know it's mostly been associated with how much of a letdown its finale and management of the constant shipping and switching was, but... There were a lot of other things that were really good and well-handled in this series

I like how in the season 1 finale Star loses half of her wand and needs to re-learn how to control her powers, in fact, every season basically ends with her losing something and having to learn how to deal with it.

She loses her magic, her mom, her home, her best friend, her throne... She's always dealing with the consequences of the challenges she faces and the choices she makes, and that's very important to note cause the entire premise of episode one is her needing to learn responsibility and about the weight her power holds.

I also like how Star seems to form actual friendships with her cast of characters. In many series the main lead will just bond with a character in one episode and then we will only see them again in the background until the finale when we need everyone to come together for some big epic battle or something... But here, she's constantly hanging out with Buff Frog, Janna, Tom, Eclipsa, her parents, and the members of the magic council.

And a lot of these friendships start off so weird that it makes you think they wouldn't work, but they somehow always do.

There also tons of episodes with some really good lines where characters throw some concepts that I don't see often in other series, even today.

Like there is one episode where they play some weird magic version of Truth or Dare and Star mentions how the things they say aren't really lies cause sometimes people just don't know how they feel. That's such a great line!

There is another where Star tells Tom she doesn't even know what teens her age do anymore cause she's been spending so much time just working on trying to fix her kingdom for the last two or three seasons.

It's actually crazy to hear that and realize how much this girl changed from episode 1 to who she becomes in season 4. Star from episode 1 would NEVER say a line like that.

One of my favorites though is at the finale of season 1 when Star's parents just exchange a worried look and go "I don't know if we're doing the right thing." once they let Star go after losing half her wand. It sets a nice tone of "Where are we going with this...?" that carries through the rest of the show.

The show also tries to subvert a lot of old tired tropes by throwing some very interesting ideas like making Star's love interests become actual friends early in the story, have the weird bird bad guy from season 1 go through a self-discovery journey where he has to start from scratch after losing everything, and while they do pair up Star and Marco in the end in a very underwhelming way, I like how both of them go through their own series of love interests before arriving there.

It wasn't just "Oh, he/she is the one!" They actually try out things with other people before realizing what they really want.

And a lot of the plot twists are legit fascinating.

The story behind Meteora is my favorite part of the entire show. Again, they take this joke villain from season 1 and turn it into this massive conspiracy where the people in charge strip a mother from her child in order to keep the power in the hands of those they want.

I don't even know what might go through a kid's head while watching this.

There also lots of other cool twists like Toffe's plan to end magic, the identity of Eclipsa's husband, the meaning behind Star's butterfly form and how they handle it by just allowing it to run free and observe where it goes.

I don't know, this show just had a ton of fun ideas, and they handled them, most of the time, in fun ways.

A lot of other times they were handled in super clunky ways, yes, and sometimes the build-up to certain events could be way too slow, the shipping teasing got annoying after a while, and some resolutions were a tad anti-climatic...

There definitely are a lot of problems in Star vs. Foe, but at times it feels like when people talk about it, they treat it like there's nothing good, like they wish this never existed, like the Marco and Star endgame is the only thing worth talking about and... no there are tons of things worth talking about in here.

It had low lows, but also some really good highs, and I'm glad I saw it and glad it existed.

[selvesdiscovery]

hi .. we want to stay on anon for this one due to the nature of the question. Alright, so ... We're disordered, and I wasn't aware of my system for a long time, and because of how our trauma works, I'm basically frontstuck and I hate it. I struggled to communicate with my headmates, and most had to learn how to co-front because we'd never done it before. I wanted to leave front completely because I just want a break, I know that's normal and not too bad.

So about the more disconcerting part ... In working to front switch more, we started noticing more heavy amnesia we didn't notice before due to me always being the one in front. The biggest is time loss (which is much less of a blackout and more of a dilation, but idk if that's because I don't completely lose consciousness?), but I also struggle to remember more than even the most basic of events if I'm far from front, random switches are happening way more often, things like that. I'm losing the control I didn't realize I had over us.

My point is, though, that .... I kind of like it, honestly? I really like it. I'm so much happier like this. I trust my headmates to do whatever's needed without me, being able to rotate things out more consistently is a huge weight off of me, the amnesia/time loss is actually a relief because I meticulously over-analyze every single action the body does. My desire to present as "sane" to singlets grows less and less every day, especially since we're already nonworking and unable to drive due to separate circumstances. I feel myself wanting to get to the point where I'm so far in back that I don't get shaky and fearful and forced back into the front seat when somebody in outerworld "requires" me. Not forever, because I have partners in the system and out and a life I want to live, but I crave that disconnect I or others in my system can sometimes initiate.

Would it be wrong of me to not discourage these aspects of our system normally considered "disordered"? I really don't mind not remembering things, my headmates remind me, and my qpp is usually there to tell me what I missed. I already have other memory problems so it feels more like accepting them. Random switches are only mildly annoying at best, and have only caused trouble when a singlet in outerworld expects something of me. Letting go of control and letting my headmates figure things out has been a relief and a blessing, a freedom from the exhaustion I constantly feel. It's also been improving the mental health of the headmates we rotate out with.

But I know these aspects are quite literally part of *why* we're disordered. I know some aspects of disabilities are only disabling because we live in a society catered to the "abled" side of the false dichotomy. But I see people around the system community saying encouraging dissociation and memory separation is dangerous, wrong, and anti-recovery. We... Really need an outside opinion, if that's alright.

TLDR: Is it wrong to encourage dissociative aspects of our system when it's drastically improving our mental health?

Hi!! Thanks for reaching out anon.

Honestly, not at all. I'm super happy for you, and very glad that you take comfort in the aspects of yourselves that are meant to be disordered.

If it makes you feel any better, we entirely relate. The amnesia, dissociation, time loss, losing control, switching a lot, especially when triggered or overwhelmed, are all extremely helpful and beneficial to us. Of course they're inconvenient sometimes, and unpleasant when we try to present as sane like you said, but they formed to protect us. They literally came to be to make us feel better. There's no shame in being relieved and grateful for these coping mechanisms your brain has built in for you.

There's also no shame if they end up getting more difficult at some point. The state of your symptoms with OSDDID is notoriously fluid, it's okay if you hate your symptoms and just want to be "normal" one day, and are grateful for everything they do for you the next. There's no shame in wanting to step back, dissociate, and block everything out from time to time, or even all the time.

We are very proud of you for finding happiness where you are. Never feel pressured to change that for anybody. The most invaluable thing a trauma survivor could possibly feel is happy with themselves. Being happy or content will never ever be anti-recovery, the entire goal of trauma recovery is to be happy and accept yourself. It would only be anti-recovery if it remained maladaptive, and hurt you more than it helped, yet you continued to lean in onto it. Clearly, you're& doing great. Keep it up!

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thanks for answering my previous ask!

I have nobody to share this with so hopefully you won't mind me sharing it here: So far, recovery has been going pretty ok for me. For now, I'm avoiding the mirror and I shower with the lights off, and those are behaviours I'll have to work on one day too but for now it seems to be the best course of action, because seeing myself in the mirror would most likely cause me to relapse. Especially since I know for a fact that I'm totally bloated right now, so whatever I'd see in the mirror wouldn't even be an accurate reflection, but my disordered mind wouldn't listen to that.

I'm currently going through the dreaded extreme hunger phase, which is partly why I'm so bloated lol. For the first few days I've been alright with it but it's like the 4th day of my mind and stomach both screaming for food like vultures and tbh I'm starting to feel kinda guilty about it. I realise that it's a part of the process and that it's good for my organism and that my body is trying to repair itself, but my ED is slowly rearing its ugly head and scolding me a ton, saying that I'll gain weight, trying to convince me to look in the mirror, etc. So far I've been able to resist and I also keep reminding myself that I SHOULD gain weight because I've been horrfically underweight all of my life and I'd be much better off at a healthy weight. The only problem that keeps weighing on me is that I have a really big issue with folds. Even though folds are completely normal and everyone who's not very underweight has them when they slouch or sit, my mind has somehow become convinced that rolls mean being fat. I'm not sure how to get rid of that mentality. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Another thing I found out is that I might have to give up romantic relationships for the time being. Even though I've struggled with anorexia for most of my life, going through on and off phases, my last relapse and the worst I've ever had occurred after I got into a relationship. Specifically it seems that a lot of my behaviour hinges on the obsession with being "perfect" for my partner. I can't let go of thinking about needing to be as thin and hourglass-shaped as possible for my partner, and I can't let go of the fear that if I get to a normal weight and perhaps lose some of that hourglass look, he won't find me attractive anymore and will leave me. I'm like constantly horrified of the possibility of being seen naked or in tight clothes, I'm plagued by the desire to be as attractive to him as possible and then to stay exactly like that for as long as possible. I attempted to talk to him about it before considering breaking up, but he made it clear that he doesn't wish to discuss my mental health problems with me, and as much as I'd like to, I can't just turn this problem off with a flip of a switch. So I decided that I'll most likely break my relationship off and stop dating altogether until I manage t somehow fix my chain of thought. At least I personally think that's the best solution for now.

I definitely don't mind you sharing! I usually do post things my followers choose to share, since I think it can really help create solidarity among the ED community. It can show others that they are not alone, and sharing recovery tips is always a plus too!

It seems like you've got some great harm reduction strategies in place in the form of avoiding scrutinizing your body while you prioritize getting regular nutrients into you again. That's really important. I think you're right that you will eventually have to learn to be able to view your body again, but if you just need to avoid visual triggers in order to eat better, that definitely comes first. You might want to practice just falling in love with your body exactly as it is - as the vessel that is doing its best to take care of you and keep you alive.

So, for example, if you did catch a glimpse of yourself and you happened to notice some recovery bloat or other triggers, you could take time to say to yourself, "That is my body doing what it needs to do to heal me. My body is trying its best to make me healthy and well, and this is what it needs to do." I think body image issues are something shared by all people who are going through health issues, since bodies do tend to do weird stuff while they're healing. Illness is only pretty on TV, not in real life.

Maybe when your ED is scolding you, you can take some time to examine where those thoughts are coming from? Like you could say "I wonder if I should be scolded for enjoying my food as humans do?" Or "I don't think it's such a bad thing to allow my body to heal." Don't try to fight the thoughts or stop them from coming, even though they're hard. Just gently challenge those thought patterns so that you can adjust your thought patterns gradually and become more aware of them. This is what I'd suggest especially when you start thinking about things like rolls, which seem to be a big trigger for you. You can perhaps engage with the thought directly, and say things to yourself like "If I need to hurt myself to pursue a roll-free body, is that something really worth pursuing?" Keep in mind that, since you're deep in ED thoughts, your mind might respond with "yes." As I mentioned before, trying to fight off negative thoughts will only give you more anxiety around them. Instead, acknowledge them, consider what feelings are causing them. The negative thoughts will not change overnight. It will take practice.

I'd also suggest, and this may take practice since it sounds like you've struggled with fear of fatness for a long time, that you just take a moment, when you have the capacity for it, to address how you have learned to think about fat bodies. Do people who are truly fat deserve less love, less respect, less estimation of worth? Society may have taught you that they do, but I think it's time to challenge that. Again, your mentality won't change overnight, so don't beat yourself up.

Lastly, I think it's so, so strong of you to prioritize your health over this relationship. That is such a hard choice to make! But honestly, even though it's really difficult now, I think you will realize down the line that someone who doesn't want to talk about/support your mental health is someone you can't build a healthy relationship with down the line. I hope you get lots of quality time to spend just pouring lots of love and energy into yourself, and perhaps work with a therapist on some of the body and intimacy issues you've been dealing with, if therapy is an option for you. I hope that you get together with someone down the line who is interested in building a relationship based on mutual support!

[grumpyfaceurn]

Just... a whole bunch of stuff grinding my gears

- bathtub drain broke and now there's a hole in my bathroom cause they had to drill everything open to get there and I can't do my laundry right now

- which isn't even getting into how I don't know if I might be asked to pay for that?

- shoulder hurt. shoulder has hurt for a while now and I finally have a physio prescription but now I have to make calls about that and everything

- so my ongoing throat ache might actually be a reflux thing, which, great? so that's something else to stress about which then makes the reflux worse

- having a boyfriend is great and I love him and he's the one good thing in all this but also he gets up between five and six in the morning. so then I sleep like shit dreading his alarm and after he leaves I sleep like shit cause it's not enough time until my alarm goes off

and yeah we could see each other less but I miss the guy like all the time and it~s honestly a bit exhausting but also great and then next week he's got stuff going on so we might not see each other at all and thats so much worse

and I feel guity anyway for constantly having him stay at my place but otherwise i feel guilty about leaving the cats alone too much

It's almost like there's a cosmic balance of happiness and now I have one extra good thing in my life so now everything else has to go to shit more.

/fucking kezboard just switched to qwerty instead of qwertz so now I~m dealing with that shit

/ cat nearly escaped off the fucking balcony yesterday

work. which is really the BIG stressor in all this. two coworkers being their usual asshole self but more so and it's just so infuriating

and our head company demands us to grow and develop but doesn't show us how or what we can do and god dont you see it i need someone to sit with me and walk me through the process and decide on classes and that~s the moments when adhd truly feels disabling because i know i~m smart enough for a lot but I just cant do it

the work itself has also gotten worse and I feel so trapped. on paper this would be the ideal job to learn more qualifications, they'll even support it a little bit but it'S still up to me to decide and find stuff and honestly that's the giant hurdle and then sometimes I just want out and escape but being unemployed is such a terrifying idea. maybe if i got my finances in order which i very very much don't

Work also keeps getting more and more complex. There's so much to remember and keep track of and it's stressing me out to think what I might be forgetting

and yeah i could learn shit on my own time, teach myself coding or data science or any of the other current big buzzwords and i~m sure thats great but like. I can not sustain any kind of activity without outside input. i gave up on cello and am still deeply unhappy about it but i just never practiced and now my body is slowly going to pieces cause i never work out (oh also ive put on weight have i mentioned that so that sucks) and honestly I struggle with brushing my teeth and scooping the litter boxes on a regular basis so how do you expect me to teach myself something that requires this much sustained effort

Fuck this adhd brain is what I'm saying. maybe i should make my tenth attempt at medicating now that i~m off the antidepressants. I dont know. I dont even fucking know where the question mark is on this kezboard lazout which is still switching because hez if im tzping in english it must be an english kezboard lazout right fuck this

Oh yeah and also my grandma's birthday is in a week and I have no idea what to get her or what to do

[bishiglomper]

YA KNOW WHAT

I think I MIGHT actually have a mild brain fluid leak 🤔

Listen listen listen-

My nose. Is constantly wet. The wells at the bottom of my nostrils just always have water in them. I am CONSTANTLY just dabbing at it with a tissue. All fuckin' day.

And I can use said tissue, a normal kleenex ALL day. Because it dries like water. Theres no slime or stickiness so it doesnt get stiff or crinkled.

Also, it does absolutely no good to blow my nose. A little bit of extra water comes out, but it doesn't like. Bring down anything.

I dont have drainage down my throat. I don't know if that's for or against my theory though. 👀

I have been sneezing a shit ton. So, allergies are still a possability. ☝

I think this has been going on for over a year. I think it's also gotten worse the last several months because I'm way more aware of it and thus annoyed.

I constantly have a tissue to my nose shoving it up there to absorb as much moisture as I can at once, I'm sure it's not very attractive.

The other thing is my ears leak. Just at night. Every night. My nose is fine though. Like they SWITCH. And I'm a side sleeper.

The fluid coming out of my ears is clear. My ears themselves are clean. They don't get waxy.

I've have tried searching all sorts of ways to figure out how my ears would leak from allergies, like I've been told it was, but I'm still getting that it would be wax. I don't have swimmers ear or infection. I know THIS has been going on for several years.

I don't remember if antihistimines stop any of this, I will experiment further with that. 👀

There's a few dozen other symptoms that come with CSF. I have maybe 1/4 of them.

Neck pain and stiffness. I don't know if this is caused by that or just tension.

I always have a mild headache. From 2-4. The migraine shot every month helps a lot but I'm still getting worse the last week or two before then.

I get light sensitivity so very easily. It ranges just from discomfort to straight up my eyes start watering. The other day it was super cloudy and it still felt too damn bright.

I always have vertigo. That is also at about a 3. It does get worse if i bend down but clears up after a second. (Though last night i had a more intense, several moments lasting one... vision actually blurred: another symptom)

Bending over and seeing if your face drips is a test for it, but that is SO uncomfortable for me, i tense my whole body and hold my breath and can't do it for more than a few seconds so.. That test hasnt worked for me

I do get mildly nauseous fairly regularly but i figured that was a precurser to a migraine. I'll start dry heaving If i don't take a zofran right away..

Another is balance and gait problems. 👀💦 that is a problem. I may have had that my whole life though. Though it has gotten worse the last several years. I've tried to do balance training sort of things. And my gait is just super small. (I think that's all thats wrong with it. I don't know if i zigzag or anything. It may just be a hip problem..)

CSF is usually caused by an injury. My theory is when I was 15, I went on a fair ride called the zipper. Its the pod with a weight at the other end that flings you around in a circle. Upside down and all. They sent me like 3x in a row because there wasnt a line. That was the first time I ever felt ill from a ride. I literally had to lay down for like half an hour in the grass before I could move.

And I could never go on a spinny ride ever again without getting extremely nauseous. 😥 Like just doing a slow 360 in a spinny chair makes me ill.

Breaks my heart because my FAVORITEST ride at our amusement park was that huge tube that spun so much you stick to the wall and they drop the floor. It was my life's goal to be one of those people who could turn yourself upside down then 🤣😭

So yeah, I think that's gonna be the next thing i bring up with my doctor. 🤔 I see her in a month but I might just straight up tell her "Hey I want some tests" now.

[ava-achlys]

The Boyz NSFW Scenarios

Kim Sunwoo - Hands Off [Requested]

softdom!Sunwoo x gf!reader

Request: Sunwoo likes to play with his girlfriend's breasts

Warnings: mentions of bullying, body image, underage drinking, anxiety (very brief), titfucking

Long overdue request for @ace-seventeen-world , I hope you like it! Also first time writing anything about titfucking, I hope it turned out alright. 🙏🏽

Sunwoo loves you even when you don't feel like loving yourself.

Being well-endowed since puberty hit meant you received a lot of unwanted attention from all genders. Some would pass judgement, calling you desperate for attention; and some would ogle and make lewd comments. This led to you coming to school wearing oversized baggy clothes and even turtlenecks no matter the weather. The less your body was apparent for people to judge, the better, you thought. Except the comments never stopped. You were so sick of your body being the talk of the student population of your small-town high school that you couldn't wait to graduate; and move far away to start afresh in college, where you futilely hoped that people would be more mature about these things.

Moving away for college turned out to be the best decision you made. You made a whole bunch of new, more mature friends who taught you to embrace and appreciate your body. Inappropriate comments from strangers still came your way, but with your new, reliable support system, you learnt to shut them out, and your girlfriends would even try to fight them for you, which made you feel very touched and grateful. Apparently, this sincerity didn't stop with just your good friends. That was also how you met your current boyfriend. Your friends had convinced you to come with them to a party during your first semester, and you allowed them to doll you up, upon much pestering. You were dressed in a nice blouse and skirt, which turned some heads at the party, and though you felt rather self-conscious in the beginning, you loosened up after a few drinks and dances. From there, you didn't care if people paid good or bad attention to you; all you wanted was to have fun with your best friends.

One of your friends introduced you to a gaggle of other first- and second-years, who were very loud and goofy, except for one; who had previously been laughing boisterously along with them until he set his eyes on you. He abruptly stopped laughing when you made eye contact, and you could have sworn he developed a light flush. With pouty lips and dark eyes, and a mop of fluffy black hair, he smiled shyly at you, nodding in acknowledgement and softly introducing himself. His voice was deep and had an attractive drawl and a pleasant raspiness. His name was Sunwoo, and you ingrained it into your memory easily, smiling shyly back at him. You mostly kept to yourself as the rest of them chatted, nursing your drink when a flurry of words and a loud slap shook you. You whipped around to see one of the boys, with cotton-candy hair and sharp feline eyes rubbing his arm and muttering under his breath next to Sunwoo, who was staring at you while whispering something to the boy - Eric, was it?

"Apologize!" Sunwoo hissed, nudging him. You tried to back off but Eric nervously came forward and rubbed his neck sheepishly, stuttering an apology while avoiding your eyes. He didn't specify what he was apologizing for, but you already had an inkling. All your friends were now staring at you, confused as to what had transpired. Unable to handle the stifling awkwardness, you quickly murmured "It's fine, Eric," before speedwalking away to get some fresh air, unaware that a certain dark-haired boy was scurrying after you. You turned to the nearest balcony and hurriedly gulped some fresh air to calm down, all-too-familiar feelings of panic and shame drowning you. You fought back tears, ignoring some of the smokers occupying the same space, who were looking at you with a mixture of confusion and pity. You managed to calm your breathing, and blink back tears, when a figure slowly comes to stand next to you. He doesn't look at you out of courtesy, fixing his gaze straight ahead. "Are you alright?" he asks softly. You nod firmly, trying to seem completely calm. "Eric... sometimes says things without thinking, but I know that's not an excuse. I just want to apologize again, for making you uncomfortable." His voice is gentle and soothing, and you tilt your head to face him, since he was a bit taller.

"It's not your fault, but thanks Sunwoo. And don't worry, parties aren't really my thing, I just came cause my friends were begging me to join them," you chuckle softly, to which Sunwoo gives you a lopsided grin.

"I feel you on that. I'm here to look after my idiot friends."

You share a good laugh, and spend the rest of the evening getting to know each other, but conversation comes easy, like you've known each other for years.

You and Sunwoo's paths seem to cross often, apparently because his faculty was right next to yours, and soon your friend groups merge and become one massive group, and you've even forgiven Eric. Days turned into months, casual meetups turned into lunch and movie dates, and soon you and Sunwoo are constantly switching back and forth staying over at each other's apartments.

Ever since you two started dating and you've gotten used to wearing more comfortable clothes around him, you've noticed him staring at your chest every now and then, but at least he had the decency to look apologetic and embarrassed whenever you catch him. You started to tease him, and he would bashfully hide his face and whine cutely. To get back at you, he'd purposely keep his hands cold and hug you out of nowhere, just to hear you squeal, knowing you're ticklish. Sometimes he'd be even bolder, trailing his hands up your sides and cupping your breasts under your shirt, especially when you walk around the house with no bra on. He'd do it when you're cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or worse, when you're trying to study. You didn't mind it usually, since you appreciated the support from his hands since the weight of your breasts takes a toll on your back, and you weren't fond of wearing a bra 24/7. Except the little shit likes to tease, jiggling them around and squeezing them when he's being extra playful, even grazing your nipples with his fingertips; chuckling lowly in your ear when you gasp or squirm in pleasure.

One night in bed, you confront him jokingly. Your period was on its way soon, and your breasts were feeling extra tender and swollen, something you had complained about, so your dear boyfriend very happily obliged, massaging them gently to ease your discomfort. After a while he gets bored, and starts prodding them, round eyes watching intently as they bounce. You can't help but laugh at how adorably fascinated he looks, so you ask him why he's so enamored by your boobs.

"They're just.. fun to play with, yknow? Bouncy and squishy. Can't help myself okay, you're just so perfect," Sunwoo grumbles, blushing again since he got caught.

"Yeah? What if I lose weight and they get smaller? Will you still like me then?" you ask, feeling rather self-conscious, irrational worries that he only likes you for your assets filling your mind. You try to ignore them, knowing your relationship with Sunwoo was much more than superficial, but trauma and bad memories keep causing you to doubt yourself.

"Of course I would!" Sunwoo gasps, reaching up to hold your face urgently but with such a tender gaze in his eyes. "It's still you, and you'll always be perfect, and I love you no matter what."

Tears welled up in your eyes when he said those words. Few people had treated you with such genuine kindness and you were so grateful to have him as your partner. You squished his cheeks together and pressed a kiss to his lips, surprising him. "I love you too, Sunwoo," you whispered, a small smile on your teary face. A cheeky grin slowly replaces the shock on his face. "Shall I show you just how much I love you?" he drawls, crawling on top of you, making you lay down on the bed. Sunwoo positions you to nestle comfortably against the pillows, helping you take your shirt off afterwards.

Your cheeks start to heat up at Sunwoo's intense gaze raking over your body, and your arms habitually come up to shield your breasts, but he's quick to catch them, gently pulling them away. "Don't be shy. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met, inside and out," he murmurs, making you blush even harder. He kisses you deeply, before trailing his lips down, pressing light kisses down your neck and across your chest, gently nipping at the skin just above your right nipple. He resumes massaging your breasts, admiring the way your face scrunches up cutely in pleasure, his warm hands on your skin making you sigh happily. He leans down again, tracing a circle around your areola, making you shiver. He teases you a little more, flicking your hardened nub with his tongue before finally latching on and suckling on it, rubbing it periodically with his tongue. His hands are still massaging your breasts, twisting and tugging on your other nipple.

He pulls off with a satisfied 'pop' when you whine, pleased with how raw and puffy your nipple has become, glistening with an abundance of his spit. He dives back down to subject your other nipple to the same treatment, but this time, his free hand creeps down your tummy and between your thighs. You moan when he grazes your clit with his fingertips, and you can feel his plush lips smirk into your skin, obviously proud of himself. You willingly part your legs, and he dips his middle finger straight into your folds, your juices coating his finger instantly. He raises his head to look at you, eyebrows raised cheekily. "So wet already, babe? Always knew your nipples were so sensitive," he chuckles, slowly pumping his finger in and out of you. You shut your eyes, the stimulation of his mouth on your chest and his hand on your pussy clouding your mind. He inserts another finger and pumps you faster while he drags his teeth against your puffy nipple, making you shiver and moan even louder.

He starts leaving hickeys and bites all over your decolletage, looking forward to seeing those pretty marks bloom purple tomorrow morning. Finally, he eases up on his ministrations on your chest, and focused on fucking you hard and fast with his fingers, slamming three digits into your core, gleefully watching the way your breasts jiggle from the impact. He glances up at your face, finding your head tossed back, soft mewls and moans falling from raw, bitten lips. You're clutching the bedsheets in a death grip as Sunwoo starts sucking on your clit as he fingers you. He sucks hard, nudging it with his tongue every so often as he slows down his thrusts, opting to scissor you open and drag his fingertips along your walls, rubbing hard against your g-spot when he finds it, indicated by your shrill yelp. "B-babe, gonna c-cum," you gasp, still writhing in pleasure. "Go on, love, cum for me," he mumbles against your core, and soon you're clenching on his fingers, coating them with your cum, and he continues to fuck you through your climax.

Gasping for air, you wince as he pulls his fingers out, pussy clenching on nothing as you watch him idly put them in his mouth, sucking them clean. He smiles lazily at you, telling you how sweet you taste and even gives you a kiss, making you taste yourself. Your cheeks turn crimson again, and you decide you want to return the favor, having felt his hard cock pressing against your thigh when he leaned down to kiss you. You eye the tent in his jeans, and start unbuckling his belt. He looks at you in alarm, grasping your hands to stop you. "Baby, you don't have to do that, this is about you," he smiles gently. You pout at him. "But I wanna help you too! I have an idea that I always wanted to try with you…" Sunwoo takes a moment to consider, making sure you were genuinely comfortable doing so, and his eyes glimmer with anticipation when he nods in agreement. You beam wordlessly at him, helping him out of his jeans and boxers. You can't help but lick your lips at the sight of his erect cock.

Sunwoo's dick always made you feel good, whether it was fucking your pussy or your throat, but you always wondered what it would feel like sliding between your bountiful breasts. You pull him up to straddle your chest, and his eyes widen when he realizes what you want him to do. "Really?" he gasps, dick twitching with excitement when you readily nod. He chokes on a moan when you swipe your finger up his cock, gathering his dripping precum to slather it between your breasts. He slowly slides his dick into the valley between your breasts as your hands push them together, making it even tighter around him, and he groans lowly. Sunwoo thrusts shallowly, loving the way the smooth skin of your breasts feels around his aching cock. He begins to take over, his larger, warmer hands replacing yours, squishing your tits together as he rocks his hips faster, becoming addicted to the the feeling. It wasn't much physical stimulation for you, but you felt yourself getting hot again watching his face contort in pleasure, his tightening grip on your tender, sensitive breasts rather arousing. You can't look away, mesmerized by how good he looks with his lower lip caught between his teeth, grunting softly as he uses your tits to get himself off.

"You look so hot like this Sunwoo," you murmur, your hand resting on his thigh as he continues to piston his hips. He barks out a breathless laugh, "Have you looked at yourself properly? You're fucking gorgeous, babe, don't you ever forget that. Although, I'm down to remind you all the time." he winks. You smirk at him, and your hands come up to squeeze his muscular ass, the same way he likes to squeeze your boobs. He's got a nice butt, you had to admit, toned and sculpted from years of various sports, and it was your weakness the same way your breasts were his. He moans louder when he feels you groping his ass, hips stuttering as he approaches his climax. He throws his head back as he fucks erratically, squishing your tits even tighter together and you keen at the rough treatment. You coax him in a soft whisper to cum all over your tits, and soon he does, painting your chest white as his hips slow down, and he's gasping for air. A little bit of his cum has spurted onto your lips, but you willingly lick it up and smile up at him, your hands still soothingly rubbing his cheeks as he comes down from his high.

You grab some wet tissues from your bedside drawers and clean up your chest as best as you could, wiping away all the cum before Sunwoo flops next to you, resting his head on your chest the way he usually loves to. You lay there in comfortable silence for a while more, stroking his hair and you feel him smile into your skin, his finger absentmindedly tracing the hickeys he's left across your breasts. Maybe going to that party all those months ago was the best decision you ever made (second only to moving here for college), and maybe you and Sunwoo finally get out of bed to shower, and maybe you go for a second round in the bathroom, filling the steamy air with echoes of wet skin slapping and soft proclamations of 'I love you's.

[doctorbunny]

MILGRAM theory time: Haruka!

This isn't going to go super in depth (famous last words) but there's a few heavily debated parts of Haruka's MV I want to share my findings/thoughts on because I think this is my new special interest and during my quest to get best boy's song to 1 million views I have been looking over his first MV with a fine tooth comb so to speak.

Disclaimer: As the Jackalope said in the "This is the MILGRAM" trailer, we don't necessarily know everyone's crime from just the first video, its possible that a lot of things will be re-contextualized in the second MV, however I am not psychic or bilingual and thus will only be working with content released before August 20th 2021 and translated into English (which could cause some language/cultural details to be lost on me as translation is not a 1 to 1 process).

TW for discussions of ableism, child abuse, murder and animal death. Also this is really long so sorry to all the people that follow me for non-MILGRAM stuff

Firstly, I want to start on the topic of Haruka as a person. He is disabled. He does not have 'the mind of a child' (although he is 17, making him legally a minor in both North America and Japan). He is not just 'child-like'. And he is not mentally ill (well he might be, in the sense that many disabilities like Haruka's have strong comorbidities [where a person has two or more conditions but neither directly causes the other] with anxiety, depression and PTSD, but usually when I see people talk about him 'struggling with mental illness' they go on to refer to aspects of his disability). Sometimes on tumblr, people like myself, will see canonical traits written into a character and identify them as being traits associated with our disabilities/mental illness and headcanon them as such. Sometimes this even involves saying things like "It's basically canon!" Although we understand that these characters were probably not the result of a writer intending to write a disabled person. When I say that Haruka is being written as a person with a neurodevelopmental disability, I mean the writer intended to write a disabled character and wrote them in a way that they wanted the audience to pick up on. As an autistic person (which is one of many neurodevelopmental disorders and also something I probably didn't have to specify because who else would be writing an essay about a series they got into a few days ago at 11 o'clock at night) I really like how Haruka has been written so far. There's definitely some parts of him that have been exaggerated so abled normies can pick up on his disability (namely how his MV 's main motif is really child-like drawings) but the writers also included a lot of smaller details I appreciate like how it is noted he avoids eye contact when talking to other people and is depicted as nervously pulling at his sleeves in official artwork, or how he says he finds his prison uniform (which has tight straps) 'relaxing' and when he gets nervous/tense, he will dig his fingernails into the palm of his hands. (These last two potential being examples of 'self stimulation' [aka stimming] where a person seeks out specific sensory stimuli in order to help regulate their nervous system/emotions, in this case the tight uniform creates a comforting, secure feeling [you may have heard about some people preferring to sleep under weighted blankets for this reason] and digging nails into his palms sounds uncomfortable/painful but is done in an attempt to deal with a greater sensory discomfort caused by the situation/environment) I also appreciate the depth he is written with, he struggles to communicate verbally but in his MV and interactions with other inmates is shown to have insecurities, opinions and a consistent thought process (this is all basic character stuff but unfortunately not always present in disabled characters)

Also I want to add that (in terms of what we've been shown so far) Haruka did not kill anyone because of his disability/mental illness. Disabled people are not inherently more innocent than abled people. But there is no disability/mental illness where a symptom is that you kill people and real people have to live with the stigma when you speak carelessly and suggest things like "Haruka is the kind of mentally ill person who kills people as a cry for help" 🧂 (or at the very least real people have to read BS like that and cringe). TL;DR Haruka is less child-like and more onion-like (as in, he has layers) 🧅🧅🧅

Now is the actual theory stuff, oops:

Every prisoner in MILGRAM is supposed to have committed murder in some way, obviously considering Yuno just had an abortion (which i personally do not consider an act of murder) whilst Mu literally stabbed someone to death, this definition is stretched a bit. But it is not agreed upon yet who Haruka killed/how many people he killed or why he killed.

In his MV he is shown to have chased after his dog into a forest, seen something off-screen, then beaten something into a messy pulp with a rock. Some people think the dog is a red herring and that Haruka actually killed his mother/the girl from the fireworks show/his brother. I do not agree.

First: I believe Haruka when he says he doesn't have a brother. The MV literally starts by Haruka looking in the mirror and then switching between the him now

and a really similar looking younger child who just so happened to be a key feature of his memories (I don't have the vocabulary to explain it but its like cinematic parallels that establish this is the same person at different points of their life)

Its not impossible that this is Haruka's secret younger brother, but i think its unlikely. I saw someone saying they had to be different people because Haruka looks less happy than the child but like, most 17 year olds are less visibly happy than when they were 7 (or however old the child is meant to be). Life happens.

So when Haruka is shown pushing the child around and eventually strangling him, this isn't meant to be literal (homicide or suicide), but a representation of how conflicted Haruka feels about his younger self, who may have committed the murder (if you've ever been kept awake cringing at memories of something you said in the past and wishing you could go slap some sense into your former self, this is like that but 10 times more self loathing). The lyric "I am always repeating yesterday," implies he might think about this specific past event a lot.

Moving on, its pretty well accepted that Haruka's parents were abusive in some way and Haruka internalised a lot of it: he constantly apologises, he says in his interrogation questions that his one wish come true is that "[he] want[s] to be loved" and describes in his MV how when he couldn't find the words he was looking for ("you're unfair") one of his parents "would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”". He seems to know its unfair but also still says he 'loves' his family, possibly mistakenly believing it is his fault, but also showing an awareness of his situation (and how his parents might behave).

Now, the MV is stylised in a way that makes certain details unclear, but there is one clear detail showing that Haruka's dog was killed

This is the first close up of Haruka and the dog. Haruka's mother is just out of frame supervising, but they look pretty happy. Notice how the puppy has a silvery chain for a collar. Somehow, this dog gets out of the house but only Haruka is shown chasing after it (whether his mother was searching elsewhere or didn't bother following her disabled son into the forest is unclear). Either way, young Haruka is now in the forest, unsupervised.

By the time he finds the dog, there is already blood, suggesting it was initally attacked by something else.

is this a sigh of relief from a boy whose finally found his beloved pet or a jealous weakling glad that nature took its course and he is finally free of that meddling mutt stealing all his mummy's attention? /j

I think this shock at the discovery that 'there is blood on his hands' could imply that rather than literally getting the blood from his dog, Haruka has seen his already injured dog and realises that if the dog got out because of him (he is previously shown to be aware his parents seem to blame him for everything) then he is the reason his dog is injured/dying and will be blamed for it. (this scene plays over the lyrics "It’s fine, though it’s really not It’s really fine, though I don’t really think so When I tried to understand it, You’ll make that disappointed face again" suggesting he is trying to avoid making his parents disappointed and letting the family pet escape into danger is something that could make them very disappointed)

now we get into rock murder (this is present-day Haruka implying that this is either: not how the scene really played out; the writers really wanting the audience to know that this was Haruka's doing and not someone else's; or this turns into a separate incident that happened much later [although note that the red sky and blue moon is the same as when young Haruka first appears at the start])

b the corpse is beyond mangled now, but its clearly the dog because the silver chain collar is still there, to the right of the body. (circled in red for your convenience :3)

My hypothesis is: Haruka didn't set out to kill his dog, but upon finding it injured (we don't know the severity aside from bleeding and also it not being able to run away from Haruka kneeling down above it w/ a big rock so it could range from treatable with a lot of vet help to already on death's door, TBH I don't think Haruka would know the difference) He knew he'd be blamed for this; made into a villain who let the poor puppy come to harm. He panicked and killed the dog out of some idea that it would make him the victim here (since he'd be found crying over a dog corpse, which might make a parent go comfort him rather than getting angry about what could've happened to the dog). This is over the lyrics: "I cried, I screamed I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling I was in denial, I was in denial I just had to make sure I’ve become a victim, I’ve become a victim" (there's another theory that he was also jealous of the dog, which could work here too, since this is not some calculated plot; rather its a rash decision) This ties in with his Japanese song title (translated as Weakness) which is a play on a phrase sort of like "The strong eat, the weak do not" to become "The weak are eaten by society" or "The weak eat each other to survive" [once again I am reminding everyone this is based on second hand information from the youtube comments section (from users mitchki and Alphaistic) because I do not speak Japanese] This second meaning (The weak eat each other to survive) makes sense under the reading that Haruka killed his dog in order to 'survive' making his parents disappointed for the dog escaping.

Miscellaneous points:

We don't know where Haruka's necklace came from yet, it must be a gift since the most expensive thing he's ever bought was cotton candy. The younger child in the video isn't wearing it and neither is his mother or the girl in the purple dress.

Haruka's home seems quite big, at the start we can see a large flower garden outside the window and there's a forest in walking distance. This might suggest his family is quite wealthy

Haruka probably did go to school at some point as homeschooling is not a legally accepted as an alternative to public schools in Japan. (However it is estimated that up to 5000 families homeschool, this is uncommon) A lot (about 62%) of Japanese schools apparently have a 'special needs' classes and there are about 505 schools focused on educating intellectually disabled students (although I do not know which sort Haruka would've needed as whilst intellectual and development disabilities can be comorbid they aren't the same). Now, if children aged 7-14 don't go to school, their parents receive a fine, but its possible that if Haruka's parents are wealthy, they just paid it to avoid sending him to school. (This might imply they wanted to hide him or were generally ashamed of him in some way) However high school education (for students over 14) is not legally required and its likely that even if Haruka went to elementary/middle school, he hasn't been around people his own age in at least 3 years. As he seems quite lonely and glad that the other prisoners give him attention.

I don't think Haruka's parents are divorced and if they are, its not his father who left. Haruka mentions in the 30 questions that he thinks he disappointed his father. But still includes him as part of his family ("My father and mother and me"). A theory I've seen is that his father was disappointed by his son being disabled and left. but developmental disabilities (especially in non verbal and semi verbal children like Haruka) can be diagnosed before the age of 3, so I feel it is unlikely that Haruka would bring up his father if he left that early in Haruka's life

All MILGRAM prisoners have covered one of DECO*27's older vocaloid songs (DECO*27 is a well known producer who composes the music for MILGRAM) Haruka covered 'Two Breaths Walking' (https://youtu.be/puXLfVWrz2Q) which is about a boy's first relationship and how his mother's jealousy set him up for failure as the relationship becomes toxic (specifically it has some very funny out of context lines like "Whose breasts are you sucking on now?") so yeah, mommy issues: the song (Also: some people say in the song, the boy kills the girl at the end, but this isn't literal, TBW is the first of a trilogy of songs about the same relationship, it is followed by Android girl then Two Breaths Walking: Reloaded and the story resolves with the couple reuniting as adults and getting in the relationship again, although its not necessarily as abusive as before, its still implied to be codependant ending on the line 'We should live like oxygen tanks, sucking breathe from the words each of us exhale, until our last breathe')

In all seriousness, the scene where younger Haruka is walking through the city with his mother but it keeps repeating until older Haruka pulls the younger one away might indicate an attempt to focus the happier memories of his parents (since this is also over the lyrics "Why is it breaking? Tell me why? Please don’t change If I tried and couldn’t say it, You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”" which depict a worse scene) I think both his parents are still physically present but have become far more emotionally distant, not giving him as much attention, which exacerbates his loneliness from not having any friends his own age to talk to

And if one of his parents did leave? I think its likely his mother since she is shown disappearing out of his reach after the dog-incident (inferring she got angry/disappointed in Haruka anyway) This could also be where he got his necklace from: Its something his mother used to wear (although this is 100% a guess) and that's why its shown to be important to him

This one is just me, but i didn't realise until a rewatch that when Haruka is watching the younger him and the girl running together, the background has fireworks. Haruka mentions fireworks being a key memory to him so I wonder if this was one of the first/last times he got to make a friend...

On three separate occasions in the interrogation, Haruka mentions not liking animals. Despite this, he is depicted as sleeping with a rabbit plush and on his birthday art (I'd include that too but tumblr only allows 10 pictures per post, so here's a link) he is standing next to a giant blueberry and strawberry cake with two bunny themed biscuits at the side. Through my experiences of seeing Japanese fandom art on pixiv, sometimes rabbits are used to insinuate a character is cute and timid in fanart.

Meaningless details: Haruka sleeps with his necklace on; he sleeps on a bed and not a futon; at first I thought he woke up holding his plush's hand but his hand is merely next to the toy; and considering the state of the pillow and blanket, I wonder if he moves a lot in his sleep or if the is just because in this case he seems to be waking up from a nightmare about the dog incident...

Final note: I've spent so many hours writing this I don't remember if i was building up to any big finale or not but I hope you enjoyed reading this! Feel free to add on in the comments/reblogs.