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selfwrittenstars · 7 years ago

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Larry fanfiction masterpost

Some of my favourite long fics that I’ve come across during the many hours that I’ve spent reading (if I’m not mistaken they all are at least 90k words long).🌈💝💛💚💜💙

1) Dress you up in my love.

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6135802/chapters/14060698

Summary: Harry is single, and more than anything wants to find love. Agreeing to sign up to a dating website was a bad, bad idea. Niall’s bad, bad idea. Louis is single, but has no interest in relationships. Or so he tells himself.   Harry is a lawyer whose boss, Nick, happens to give him a bonus, which he decides to splurge on a new work wardrobe. Louis is a frustrated designer, working as a personal shopper at Selfridges. Louis happens to be working on the day a very beautiful, but out of his depth, new customer ambles into their department in need of advice. Louis might have just found the muse he never knew he was looking for.

2) Shake me down

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3331958/chapters/7285322

Summary: Harry’s new to college, fresh out of Catholic school and conversion therapy camp, and Louis runs the campus LGBTQIA organization.

3) Fading

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/629683/chapters/1138549

Summary: Louis knows about beauty; the combination of qualities that pleases the aesthetic senses. He creates that combination every day in the garments he designs while studying fashion at uni. The cut of the design, the color of the fabric, the intricacy of the stitching; it all comes together to create something beautiful. When the science student with the long legs and dimpled smile agrees to model for him, Louis decides he’s found beauty personified. Harry just thinks Louis needs someone to show him how beautiful he is.

4) And then a bit

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1415272/chapters/2972746

Summary: “We’d like to give the fans what they want.” Magee states, placing his hand on the table in front of him and leaning forward. “We want to give them Larry Stylinson.” Or, take a parallel universe where Louis and Harry were never together, mix in a two year hiatus and an impending comeback, pour in a dash of lost fans, two tablespoons of strong friendship and a Modest! employee with a good idea. Add a squeeze of pretending to be a couple, lots of kisses and a tattoo or two. Stir. Serve: the mother of all publicity stunts. (aka Harry and Louis fake a relationship for publicity. Eventually it becomes a lot less fake and a lot more real.)

5) Young & beautiful

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/838537/chapters/1597776

Summary: Louis, to his horror, attends an elitist university in which the name Zayn Malik means something, Niall Horan doesn’t stop talking, there are pianos everywhere, and Harry Styles, only son of a drug-addled, clinically insane ex-rocker, has a perfect smile and empty eyes.

6) You are in love

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/5299295/chapters/12594848?view_adult=true

Summary: The one to cry your eyeballs out. Harry is first with Xander Ritz. Larry go from friends, to something more than friends, to lovers, to something more than friends, to nothing, to lovers again. Uni AU.

7) Nobody shines the way that you do

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3374579/chapters/7381043

Summary: “We might as well just date.”Harry froze in his arms, his body stilled as he slowly lifted his head up at Louis to give him the most confused expression he’d ever worn. Louis literally wanted to fuck him into the next century. “What?” Harry asked. “Are you–.”“No,” Louis said, shaking his head before Harry could go far with that idea and trap Louis into confessing his own feelings. “I mean…like I think I have a plan?”“A plan?” Harry said slowly. “A plan other than me going to Peter’s tomorrow and groveling for hours; maybe even days?”The thought of Harry doing that made Louis’ skin burn, but he schooled his expression well and nodded swiftly. “There will be no groveling. Well, there will be, but not on your end.”orLouis pretends to be Harry’s boyfriend to help him win back his douchebag ex-boyfriend, but things don’t go according to plan.

8) Empty skies

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1261096/chapters/2599474

Summary: For three years, Harry has been running from his past. Now, he is moving to London and pledges to fulfil his only dream – making it big in the music industry. Not everyone has a place, though, and the competition is tough. As is his past catching up on him.Louis is part of the biggest boy band of the world, and getting there had meant a lot of hard work, as well as sacrificing parts of his heart and soul. He’s still happy. Maybe not as happy as he could be, but who is he to complain?Featuring Perrie as Harry’s adorable flatmate, Niall as his manager, and Liam and Zayn as Louis’ bandmates. ESCAPADE

9) In circles of you and me

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12266679

Summary: Louis pulls Harry closer by the belt loops. Harry could feel his breath warm against his neck as he brushes his lips against his skin. “You know… I don’t care if you kiss other people.” Harry smiles as he feels Louis’ stubble scratch against his neck. “I know you don’t, but-”He stifles a moan as Louis bites down gently on the soft surface of his skin. “You can kiss other people too-” Louis pauses to look at him pointedly. “I know I can.”“Well, have you?” Harry asks, his brows furrowed. “What’s it to you?” Louis retorts with a smirk. “You’re the one I’m kissing now.”–Or, Louis and Harry keep running into each other at parties. It doesn’t mean anything, until it does.

10) Relief next to me

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1117942/chapters/2251923

Summary: AU. What happens when a baker and a graphic designer meet via a very specific Craigslist post? Fate, friendship, food, and maybe more.

11) Play the odds

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8948758

Summary: Harry and Louis are best friends since childhood who, after a night of drinking, find themselves locked in a bet: first one to kiss the other a thousand times wins. Wins what? They don’t know. Glory, Harry supposes. Bragging rights, though those don’t do much in this economy. All Harry knows is that this is one bet he can finally win. What he doesn’t expect, though, is what happens when he starts kissing his best friend on a daily basis. Namely, he doesn’t expect falling head over heels in love with his best friend. Now all he has to do is make sure the bet never ends, so he never has to stop kissing Louis.

12) Time bomb

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3641511/chapters/8044863

Summary: “Why exactly are you here?” Louis asked, feigning annoyance and failing pathetically at it. “My publicist told me I can’t go anywhere near you.” Harry said, eyes still smudged with last night’s eye liner. “That makes you my favorite person in the world.” Or the one where Louis has everything: a lead role in a giant Hollywood franchise, a glittering new house with an entertaining Irish neighbor, and a steady, normal boyfriend who he probably loves. Louis never expected to become a household name among young Hollywood overnight. He also never expected to find something endearing about the enigmatic rockstar who keeps showing up on his back porch.

13) Hiding place

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4858376/chapters/11133491

Summary: Louis never wanted a soulmate, didn’t really care for the whole Bonding thing at all, really. Enter Harry Styles, who’s wanted to be Bonded for as long as he could remember. With one fateful meeting in an X Factor bathroom, Louis gets a dagger on his arm and the realization that just because Harry is his soulmate doesn’t mean it’s mutual.From the X Factor house to Madison Square Garden, from the Fountain Studios stage to stadiums across the world, Louis has to learn to love without losing himself completely, because someday his best friend will Bond to someone and replace Louis as the center of his universe. Meanwhile, Harry begins to think that maybe fate doesn’t actually know what it’s doing after all, because his other half has clearly been right in front of him the whole time. All he has to do now is convince Louis to give them a chance. Or, the canon compliant Harry and Louis love story from the very beginning, where the only difference is that the love between them is literally written on their skin, and there’s only so much they can hide.

14) You You You

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/846690/chapters/1617212

Summary: “Infamous boybander leaves club together with unknown,” read the headline. Underneath were pictures of a boy with dark curls, green eyes and very tight pants. They both studied the article for a moment, reading it through quickly. “Is that…?” Louis frowned. That guy almost looked exactly like… “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” “Louis,” Niall said, looking absolutely fucked over. “You just fucked the most wanted guy on earth. You just fucked Harry Styles of One Direction."Or, the one where Harry and Louis meet at a club and Louis takes Harry home, only for him to realize that the boy who just made him breakfast half naked is Harry Styles from One Direction.

15) Never Be

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8318785/chapters/19050769

Summary: Monica: You’ve got to see her again. Ross: And why do you care so much? Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy! Ross: You had fantasies about Emily? Monica: No! Y’know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall madly in love, and spend the rest of your lives together. The one where Harry Styles moves to Connecticut from England for nine months as a part of a study abroad program, and he just so happens to move in with Louis Tomlinson and family.

16) Unbelievers

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3592992/chapters/7924602

Summary: It’s Louis’ senior year, and he’s dead set on doing it right. However, along with his pair of cleats, a healthy dose of sarcasm and his ridiculous best friend, he’s also got a complicated family, a terrifyingly uncertain future, and a mortal enemy making his life just that much worse. Mortal enemies “with benefits” was not exactly the plan.Or: The one where Louis and Harry definitely aren’t friends, and football is everything.

17) Into The Blue

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035822/chapters/2065499

Summary: AU. In which Louis is Harry’s scuba instructor and quite happy to provide the requested special treatment, pun fully intended. It can’t be all that difficult to convince Harry that they’re on the same page, right? Also, Niall and Liam may or may not be dating, and Zayn is surrounded by emotionally stunted idiots. He bears it with dignity.

18) We’re okay

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635292/chapters/1150082

Summary: It’s funny, really, that their lives hadn’t intercepted before that point. That all it took was one little thing that set off a chain reaction of circumstances which led them all to each other. But it was for the best, really, because in the end, with each other, they were all okay.And if you asked them, the whole thing could be blamed on Liam sleeping in, for once in his life.

19) Don’t Look Down

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/738944/chapters/1375483

Summary: AU. In which Louis is a solicitor at one of London’s most prestigious law firms and Harry happens to apply for the position as his trainee. And everyone else is around, too.

20) got the sunshine on my shoulders

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10785375/chapters/23922933

Summary: five years ago, harry styles left his tiny home town to make it big as a recording artist. he didn’t have much regard for what he left behind - a life, a family, and a husband, who woke up one morning to find him gone.now, harry has everything he could possibly want: he’s rich, famous, and adored by everyone he meets, including his boyfriend. but when said boyfriend proposes to him, he’s forced to face the uncomfortable facts of his past - and louis, who’s spent the last five years returning every set of divorce papers harry sent him.(or, an au based on the movie sweet home alabama.)

21) Love is a Rebellious Bird

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162438/chapters/2362331

Summary: AU in which the boys still make music. Louis is the concertmaster of the London Symphony Orchestra, Harry is the New! and Exciting! interim conductor/ex-cello prodigy who "has made Mozart cool again” according to Esquire Magazine (Louis hates him immediately, which is definitely why he internet stalked him in his dark bedroom late at night that one time), and Niall is the best. Zayn and Liam are around too. Don’t hum Bolero.

22) Wear it like a crown

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1816771/chapters/3900322

Summary: AU. As part of a team of fixers hired to handle a gay scandal in Buckingham Palace, Louis expects Prince Harry to be a lot of things—most notably a royally spoilt brat. Never mind that the very same Prince Harry used to star in quite a number of Louis' teenage fantasies.

23) Lonesome when you go

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11032023/chapters/24588318

Summary: Harry, Louis, Niall, and Liam are surgeons-in-training at the most prestigious program in the United States.More than that, Harry and Louis have a history unknown to the others, a history that involves dogs and God, anatomy lessons, food fights, vinyl jazz records, and one hell of an oyster tour. A story of trust and friendship, of poetry and rock and roll, pink-tinged dawns and the darkest nights. A tale of portraits, tattoos, and everlasting love.

24) You watched me sink

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6896620

Summary: They've discussed it a few times - the boyfriend thing. It's not like it's some forbidden, horrific, abandon hope all ye who talk about furthering the relationship sort of subject. They're mature adults. They're in tune with their feelings, their hearts' desires, the way those butterflies swoop in their bellies whenever they so much as hold each other's hands. They like each other. A lot. It's mutual, they know. But for now, they're just content to enjoy the simplicity of what they have, and what they have is great. When dating in secret stops being enough, then they'll discuss that too. Or, the one where Harry teaches Sex Ed and sneaks around with the drama teacher, and doesn't realize how out of tune he is with his true feelings until everyone else figures it out for him.

25) we’re not friends, we could be anything

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7873252/chapters/17980723

Summary: The next second, Harry is firing back, “If I wanted to kill you I could have just poisoned your fajitas.”Louis rolls his eyes. “Clever boy.”Harry feels his skin start to prickle with irritation. The way Louis talks to him, so condescending... Like he’s smarter than Harry… Fuck that.“I don’t have time for this,” Harry says. “Some of us have schoolwork to do. And jobs to get to. So if you’ll excuse me.”Harry doesn’t wait for a reply before he pushes past Louis, hoisting his bag further up his shoulder and rushing towards the door. No, not rushing. That would imply Louis is chasing him out. He walks to the door hastily.He’s not sure, but he thinks he hears Louis mutter “Fucking wanker” before the door to the flat clicks shut behind him. ...Or, the one where Harry and Louis are unlikely uni flatmates who definitely don't like each other and definitely won't fall in love (even if Liam and Niall think otherwise).

26) Nameless night

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3467966/chapters/7611533

Summary: For their 18th birthday, every person receives a letter that reads a simple date. That is the date you'll meet your soulmate. Harry and Louis have different beliefs, live in different worlds and have different dreams, hopes and fears. Yet, they're not so different from each other when it comes to love. When their paths cross, there is no doubt they belong together. Except for that one, essential difference: they didn't receive the same date. Or, a fic about differences that make no difference at all: Harry and Louis are soulmates. In every way possible. Featuring Niall as a role model, and Liam and Zayn as a different kind of role models.

Happy reading!!

#larry stylinson #larry #larry fanfic #larry fic #larry fanfiction #ao3 #masterpost

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hrrytomlinson · 7 years ago

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Yo do you have like a rly basic rec list of staple Larry fics? I'm rly new to the fandom and I'm trying to work my way through (the longer the better)

Basic Must Reads for Newbies!

Disclaimer: these are the fics i read when i first started reading fic in 2015. since then, i’ve read 445 fics (excluding the 2 i’m reading right now - and yes, i really do keep track of every fic i’ve ever read - and yes, I really did count them) and these are the fics I recommend you read when starting out. please note that there are hundreds of other fics I would recommend you read, but this list is for specifically what I consider classic, super popular fics within the fandom!

Escapade 146k

In the grand scheme of things, finding a date for a wedding should be no problem for Louis Tomlinson. He’s rich. He’s handsome. He’s reasonably well behaved. But when the wedding is for his lifelong best friend (and former boyfriend), and is happening in under a month, finding a date for the ceremony and accompanying festivities becomes more of an adventure than he ever could have planned for.

The Dead of July 117k

Being an Avenger means continuing to be Captain America and smiling and being honorable for the public and Harry does his best. But it doesn’t give him time to figure out who he is supposed to be once he takes off his uniform and puts the shield to the side. Just being Harry had always involved Louis, and Harry fears he doesn’t know how to exist without him.

or: Harry is Captain America, and Louis’ been dead for 70 years.

And Then a Bit 158k

“We’d like to give the fans what they want.” Magee states, placing his hand on the table in front of him and leaning forward. “We want to give them Larry Stylinson.”

Or, take a parallel universe where Louis and Harry were never together, mix in a two year hiatus and an impending comeback, pour in a dash of lost fans, two tablespoons of strong friendship and a Modest! employee with a good idea. Add a squeeze of pretending to be a couple, lots of kisses and a tattoo or two. Stir. Serve: the mother of all publicity stunts.

(aka Harry and Louis fake a relationship for publicity. Eventually it becomes a lot less fake and a lot more real.)

Jump Before We Fall 113k

Louis and Zayn’s lives revolve around running a hotel by the sea, Harry is a student who wants a life far from home for just a little while, Niall doesn’t know where life leads him and Liam thinks he has already found all purposes in his life.

Red Brick Heart 98k

Harry has only had his room for thirty-two minutes when it stops being his.

Uni AU. Harry had turned up at the halls of residence expecting fun, new friends, and maybe a life experience or two. What he doesn’t expect is a surprise roommate who’s loud and dramatic and obsessed with tea and is maybe, actually, all he’s ever wanted.

Wild And Unruly 123k

Harry is a cowboy sitting on the biggest oil reservoir in Wyoming, and Louis is the paralegal assigned to pressure him into selling his land.

Love Is A Rebellious Bird 134k

AU in which the boys still make music. Louis is the concertmaster of the London Symphony Orchestra, Harry is the New! and Exciting! interim conductor/ex-cello prodigy who “has made Mozart cool again” according to Esquire Magazine (Louis hates him immediately, which is definitely why he internet stalked him in his dark bedroom late at night that one time), and Niall is the best. Zayn and Liam are around too.

Don’t hum Bolero.

Young & Beautiful 227k

Louis, to his horror, attends an elitist university in which the name Zayn Malik means something, Niall Horan doesn’t stop talking, there are pianos everywhere, and Harry Styles, only son of a drug-addled, clinically insane ex-rocker, has a perfect smile and empty eyes.

Gods & Monsters 201k

The instructions were simple: seduce and destroy Harry Styles. Not once did they discuss the option of Louis actually falling in love. So, naturally, that’s exactly what he did.

Butterfly Gun (.epub) 100k

Harry has never been much of a fighter, but—as always—where Louis Tomlinson is concerned, a lot of things stop being true.

1940’s AU. Even after six years apart, they can’t forget their shared wartime childhood.

Fading 202k

Louis knows about beauty; the combination of qualities that pleases the aesthetic senses. He creates that combination every day in the garments he designs while studying fashion at uni. The cut of the design, the color of the fabric, the intricacy of the stitching; it all comes together to create something beautiful. When the science student with the long legs and dimpled smile agrees to model for him, Louis decides he’s found beauty personified. Harry just thinks Louis needs someone to show him how beautiful he is.

Wear It Like A Crown 141k

AU. As part of a team of fixers hired to handle a gay scandal in Buckingham Palace, Louis expects Prince Harry to be a lot of things—most notably a royally spoilt brat. Never mind that the very same Prince Harry used to star in quite a number of Louis’ teenage fantasies.

Pull Me Under 140k

AU. As the first British footballer to come out at the prime of his career, it helps that Louis Tomlinson is in a long-term, committed relationship. Even if that relationship is fake. (Featuring Niall as Louis’ favourite teammate, Liam as Louis’ agent, and Zayn as Liam’s boyfriend, who just happens to be good friends with one Harry Styles.)

Feel the Chemicals Burn in My Bloodstream 123k

“Alright, alright. No need to bite,” Harry says, holding his hands above his head in a general gesture of surrender.

Louis quirks an eyebrow and his foot nudges Harry’s as he moves to sit straight. “If that’s what you think biting is, you’ve got another thing coming, Styles.”

Harry blinks at him before he feels his face flush and inside the marrows of his bones there’s pulses of heat, pulses of fire spreading through him. “Is that a threat, your Highness?”

“That’s a promise,” Louis answers just as the car halts to a stop. “One I intend to keep.”

Harry is a journalist with a lot of secrets and Louis is the future king of the United Kingdom; they live together for 60 days.

Empty Skies 134k

For three years, Harry has been running from his past. Now, he is moving to London and pledges to fulfil his only dream – making it big in the music industry. Not everyone has a place, though, and the competition is tough. As is his past catching up on him.

Louis is part of the biggest boy band of the world, and getting there had meant a lot of hard work, as well as sacrificing parts of his heart and soul. He’s still happy. Maybe not as happy as he could be, but who is he to complain?

Featuring Perrie as Harry’s adorable flatmate, Niall as his manager, and Liam and Zayn as Louis’ bandmates.

Unbelievers 136k

It’s Louis’ senior year, and he’s dead set on doing it right. However, along with his pair of cleats, a healthy dose of sarcasm and his ridiculous best friend, he’s also got a complicated family, a terrifyingly uncertain future, and a mortal enemy making his life just that much worse. Mortal enemies “with benefits” was not exactly the plan.

Or: The one where Louis and Harry definitely aren’t friends, and football is everything.

Relief Next To Me 333k

AU. What happens when a baker and a graphic designer meet via a very specific Craigslist post? Fate, friendship, food, and maybe more.

Bloodline 177k

Louis doesn’t know how to feel when his best friend, Liam, finds out about a brother that he never knew, who was placed for adoption before he was born and is bursting into his life at twenty-four years old.

Louis is very wary of the man who might replace him. He has always thought of Liam as his own brother.

What if Liam doesn’t need him anymore? What if there’s no room for Louis? After all, blood runs thicker than water.

Louis doesn’t like Liam’s new brother and he doesn’t even know him. That’s irrelevant, though.

He doesn’t like him. He doesn’t trust him. He doesn’t want him hanging around. He doesn’t want anything to do with him.

That is, until he meets him.

BONUS: These Inconvenient Fireworks (.pdf)

find more fic recs here

these are the fics i first read when starting out (for the most part) - there are SO many other great and iconic fics that aren’t on this list, but those are meant for other masterposts x

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slut4mysme · 7 years ago

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Hi!!!! I really in love with your writing!!!! OMG!!!!! Virtual hug to you!!!!! Can i request minific like rfa+saeran lost their wife MC in their anniversary night because of car accident? Like MC die on the spot? Thank you! I love u soooo much! Muah!

HELLO HELLO MY BABIESSSSSSSS~

Did you miss me? Cos I missed you all a SHIT TON. LIKE OMG. So I’m like the absolute worst because of my two-month hiatus. Honestly, guys, life has just been sucking. Welp, I’ll go more in-depth later buuuuuut I am posting once again. I want to apologize because my writing is SUPER DUPER RUSTY. So I apologize ahead of time if the ficlets suck :( BUUTTT YA GIRL IS BACK. So without further ado the request :3 It was a GREAT prompt but ya girl can only do so much with car accidents D: Leave me some comments guys, critiques anything you’d like to see me do, or anything :)

As always show ya girl some love FOLLOW/LIKE/REBLOG

Oh, and if I were you guys, I’d uh prepare your hearts for some major angst >:D

Wanna know why I was MIA????

Need a master list? I gotchu

Yoosung:

It was your first anniversary together as a married couple. Four years of having your beautiful soul in his life, Yoosung was thankful for the fateful day you staggered into the RFA chat room.

In the beginning, he didn’t think anything of it, he knew he thought he was just attached to you because you had filled Rika’s spot. The differences between you and Rika were colossal. He loved you more and more every day; he couldn’t believe his ears when you accepted his marriage proposal.

You were his and he was yours. He had finally graduated school and now he couldn’t wait to start a family together with you. He bolted out of work, excited to meet you. You guys were celebrating your first anniversary together and everything had to be perfect.

He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. He grabbed a bouquet of flowers, sunflowers, your favorite. You always thought roses were super cheesy and excessive, in his opinion he thought that it was fitting to you. Like the flowers, you made his life much sweeter and brighter by simply existing.

He began walking to your rendezvous point when he spotted you. He felt his heart skip a beat and his breath lightly catch in the back of his throat. You were beautiful. Feeling his eyes on you, you glanced over at him, smiling brightly and Yoosung just melted. He felt his pace quicken, the need to have you in his arms overwhelming him.

You quickly made your way over to him, not paying attention. That’s when it happened, a car ran a red light and smashed into you. Yoosung froze. He couldn’t register what was happening. The world was spinning and he couldn’t seem to hear anything. He was your limp body lying there on the pavement as the car sped away.

He saw blood pool near your body and that shook him back into reverie. He ran towards you, tears streaming down his face. This couldn’t be happening. It was your anniversary, the first of many. You were his happily ever after. How could this happen?

He gingerly lifted your head, his tears slowly falling on your face. There was no movement or reaction from you. Cold realization settled over him. He became hysterical, “MC? MC? Open your eyes babe. Please” he broke down sobbing.

Darkness clouded over his eyes and the next thing he knew was he woke up in a hospital bed. Seven sitting in the corner noticed the movement and quickly was at Yoosung’s side. “Hey bud, how are you feeling?” he asked tentatively.

Yoosung groaned, “I don’t know what happened dude, I just had the worst dream that MC was in a car accident.” He clutched his head and let out a breathy laugh. “Speaking of, where is she Seven?” he asked.

Seven just looked at Yoosung, heartbreaking in his eyes. The color drained from Yoosung’s face. It wasn’t a dream after all. His life was a living nightmare. Tears began running down his face once again. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, he just needed to see you, one last time.

He walked into the solemn operation room, the hum of the machinery just clawed at his ear drums. He knew what exactly the ominous sound meant. He walked over to the bed, a silhouette was draped in white cloth. Its funny, a year ago seeing you draped in white cloth brought tears of joy to his eyes, but this white cloth was the antithesis of that.

This white cloth signified the end, happiness being wrenched from his arms. With shaky hands, he removed the cloth to see your face one last time. He couldn’t do it. First Rika and then you; he couldn’t bear to see your face. He covered your rigid cold body once more and slowly kissed your forehead. Tears streamed down his face as he made his way out.

He walked out of the hospital into the night. He never did show up to the funeral. He didn’t think his heart could take it. You had managed to glue the pieces that Rika has shattered but how could he ever get over your death? You were his everything. He lost contact with the RFA, moving into a quiet rural area, practicing animal husbandry. He vowed that he would never fall in love again. It was much too painful and he simply couldn’t move on from you. You were his soul mate, his life partner. He just lived his life quietly and alone, waiting for the day he could meet you again.

Jaehee:

She never really knew what her life would be without you. Honestly, everyone has a life but until the day Jaehee had met you she hadn’t really lived.

Her days previously were dull, focused on working and becoming a successful, thriving member of society. Now she looked forward to so many silly things. Waking up in the morning next to you, sharing a simple meal with you, stealing quick glances at you, your little inside jokes and so much more.

She found joy in everything that involved you. In the beginning, she was hesitant. She didn’t know if this was friendship but she knew it was something deeper. Never in her life, did she have such a connection with anyone and she was grateful that you had the patience to wait until she realized her true feelings.

She loved you. It was as simple as that. You two had tied the know two years ago and were celebrating your two year anniversary. You both didn’t like doing anything too extravagant. Just spending time with each other was more than enough.

Jaehee was lost in thought, as she walked alongside you. Admiring your beauty, she didn’t know how on earth she was able to live before. Looking back at how she used to be, she seemed so dull and serious. She was grateful having you in your life.

She heard skidding, and she saw a car barreling towards her. She froze, finding herself unable to move. “Jaehee” she heard you screech. To her surprise, she felt herself hurtle over and a sound of a crash behind her.

“No,” she thought to herself. “Please, it can’t be” She turned to see your limp body lying on the side of the road, smoke coming out of the assaulting vehicle. A whirlwind of emotions flowed through her, but she got ahold of herself. She dialed 911 and reported and accident with casualties. She then sent a mass text out to the RFA, alerting them of what happened as she sidled up to you.

You appeared to be unconscious. That’s a lie. She didn’t need to be a doctor, but she knew there would be no way you could survive with your body laying like that. She had faith though. She knew life couldn’t be so cruel.

She felt numb as she climbed into the ambulance with your body, not responding to the EMT. She couldn’t say anything. She couldn’t feel anything. She sat in the waiting room of the hospital as the members of the RFA hurriedly shuffled in. She looked up with blank eyes, “Everyone, it seems that MC is no longer with us,” she stated as calmly as she could. She heard the boys break down in tears, holding their heads in disbelief.

Jumin walked over to her, and bent down, “Assis- Jaehee, are you alright?” She wanted to laugh, how on earth could she be all right? What an asinine thing to ask? She looked up at him incredulously ready to fight, but her eyes met with his grey irises, his heart breaking in them.

He knew she wasn’t all right, he wanted her to stop pretending that she was. Her eyes filled with tears and her body shook as she let out a cry, “It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. First father and then mother, I tried so hard to protect my heart but she wheedled herself in and now she was taken from me as well. How can life be so utterly cruel?!”

She buried her face in her hands as she felt arms around her. Everyone loved MC and it broke their hearts to see such an abundant expression of sadness from Jaehee, the stoic ex-employee of Jumin.

She held the wake for the funeral for MC at the coffee shop, she knew its what you would’ve wanted. Your family and friends showed up, everyone loved you. Jaehee smiled bitterly, it was so hard for her. She was so used to having you in her life, being the center of her joy. She didn’t know what she was going to do. She was grateful. She was happy that she had the chance to get to know you and fall in love with you. She was grateful that you showed her how to truly live. She would never forget you as long as she lived, she felt eternally indebted to you. She closed her eyes as she slowly wiped the trickling tears from her eyes, “Goodbye MC, I love you.”

Zen:

He was handsome, that was common knowledge. What Zen loved the most about you was how down to earth you were. All his previous relationships were so incredibly shallow; it’s no wonder that they ended. Actually, that’s wrong, it was destiny. They ended because he was waiting for you.

You were always there for him and so supportive. When you had mysteriously joined the RFA, he had joked about being single. Sure, you piqued his interest. He thought you’d go running when you saw how narcissistic he was, to his pleasant surprise you saw right through him. You saw that it was simply a coping mechanism, seeing that he was actually really insecure and he just “faked it until he made it”.

Zen was sure he fell in love with you in the chat room, even to him that sounded silly. How on earth could you fall for someone you’ve never even met before? He just felt such a strong connection to you he couldn’t help you. When you had shown up to his apartment, he was absolutely floored. You were just as beautiful on the outside as you were in.

He knew he was moving fast, but when you were almost kidnapped he realized that he wanted to be with you. He knew, that he had gotten it right this time. Here you were celebrating your first year together as a married couple, two years together in total.

Everyone said you two were moving too fast, but you didn’t care. Zen loved you more than anything in the world and he knew you loved him just as much. He was still so insecure; you deserved everything in the world, the absolute best. He was still climbing the ladder to fame but you never ever voiced a complaint. Was he doing a good job loving you?

He made sure that your first anniversary together would be special. He picked you up on his bike and tossed you a helmet. You grinned as you put it on and hopped on the bike behind him, wrapping your arms around him tightly. He felt your warmth against his back as he revved up and drove.

He took you to your special place and you were pleased to see a blanket laid out with all your favorite foods and a bouquet of flowers. You looked up to your movie star as he bashfully laughed and lead you over to your feast. He loved this, these little moments, spending time together. He kissed you deeply as he asked you to close your eyes. You looked at him skeptically as you obeyed.

You felt him reach around you and move your hair to the side. He placed something around your neck and you opened your eyes. You held up your phone to get a better look at the necklace as you saw a simple pendant with a gold star.

He blushed, “I know it’s nothing too fancy, but when I’m a huge star I’ll get you a proper one. I just wanted to give you that so you know that no matter how famous I become, I am always your star first. ARGH, I’m being too cheesy” he said as he buried his face in his arms embarrassed.

You grabbed his face and kissed him deeply, smiling as he returned it appreciatively. “Zen, unfortunately ” you said breathlessly, “I love you more than anything, don’t ever forget it please.” He was on cloud nine, as he peppered you in kisses. You both cleaned up and started to head back.

He zoomed on his motorcycle, carefully maneuvering his way through traffic when he heard a loud honk and just silence.

Zen found himself gaining consciousness in a hospital room. He smelled the stale air in the hospital and he heard Jaehee stir as she cried out, “He’s finally awake.”

He groaned as he held his head and felt bandages. His leg was in a cast and his shoulders were throbbing. He opened his eyes to see the members of the RFA in front of him, well except-

“Where is MC guys?” he asked as he clutched his head once again, “Yoosung, why are you crying I’m fine?” he exclaimed lightheartedly.

Everyone was silent for a minute and then Zen heard Jumin break the silence, “Zen, I am sorry to in, unfortunately, did not make it. You two were struck by a drunk driver and she was pronounced dead at the scene,” he said stoically.

Zen snorted, “Very funny guys, where is she? Hiding in the hallway?” He started to get up from his bed. The RFA members just looked at him solemnly as it slowly dawned on him. They weren’t joking.

That’s not possible though, there is no way you could be gone. You two were destined for each other, made for each other. How could this happen? “I need to see her,” Zen said forcefully as he abruptly stood up, pushing the members away.

Seven blocked his path. “Zen please, she’s gone,” he pleaded with her. Zen grew aggravated, “Get out of my way,” he roared as he shoved the red-head to the side. He found Jumin standing in front of him.

“Zen, I understand you are upset but please, you need to rest, you were also badly injured.” Zen couldn’t take it anymore, he felt all of this emotions and frustrations bubble over and he punched the chairman’s son in the face. “MOVE.”

Jumin gingerly touched his lip and swiftly raised his hands to calm his bodyguards down, “Let him go, he’s grieving”

Zen hurriedly made his way down to the reception desk, “Excuse me, can you tell me where my wife MC is?” The nurse led him over to a room, void of any light. There you lay in the middle of the room, lifeless. Your body was covered in cuts and bruises but you were still as beautiful as ever. No wonder the room was dark, lifeless, you had taken it all when you passed. Just like this room, his life would be reflected like this dull, lifeless.

There was no him without you. He felt tears stream down his face as he began to sob. Everything that he had, it was thanks to you. All of his efforts it was for you, hell he even forgave his family for you. How could he possibly go on? He went to check out of the hospital. His wounds would heal, at least the ones that he obtained from the accident. However, his heart would never heal. Zen knew you were his one.

The funeral was small and quiet, just family and members of the RFA came to show support. Zen was devoid of all emotion; you had taken his heart. He approached your open casket to say some final words when he felt his breath hitch. You were wearing the necklace he had gifted you and everything flowed out of him. He lost energy in his legs as he fell to the ground sobbing. To his surprise Seven and Jumin came to his side, squeezing his shoulder supportively. He recollected himself as he held his fingers to his lips, kissing them tenderly and placing them on your cold blue ones, “Goodbye my love, until we meet again.”

Jumin:

“Money can’t buy happiness” When Jumin had first heard that, he simply thought it was something commoners used to say to not feel so inferior to people like him who were better off. He foolishly believed that he had everything, and then he met you.

Sure at first he had his suspicions. Would you be another one of those gold diggers that liked him for his brand and money or would you be like his mother and break his heart. You see, he had very little faith in women. His stoic nature was a product of his upbringing; he couldn’t exactly help it.

Yet you understood him at a deeper level than anyone else had. When he lost his mind when Elizabeth the 3rd went missing you were there for him, you understood him and the pain he felt, the loneliness he felt, the fear he had of giving himself to someone just to have them break his heart. You accepted all of that and in turn loved him, the man he is today is all thanks to you.

For once in his life Jumin Han, could say he was actually happy. He had a beautiful wife that gave him everything, including a family. You two had gotten married pretty quickly and when you told him you were expecting twins he was ecstatic but terrified. He wanted to be an amazing father, fill the voids he felt when he was younger and you assured him that he would be amazing. Not only that but he wouldn’t be alone, Jumin had finally found a home.

You had been married for five years now; life was amazing. Jumin woke up every day with a smile. You had given birth to your youngest son two years ago and life was blossoming. Jumin felt blessed every day to wake up next to you. Sure your Elizabeth, your two sons, and daughter sprawled across your bed ruined the mood a tad, but he loved every second of his life.

Seeing you tackle being a mother to all three of his kids and be the poised collected wife of the C&R Heir, he was awestruck at how you managed to do it all. Every day he found himself falling deeper in love with you.

Because it was your five-year anniversary, Jumin had made sure to have his father watch his children. He needed time with you alone and he loved his kids but this was his day with you. Money was never an issue with Jumin, but he knew you hated all the extravagant presents. So he took you to a suite in a hotel and made you dinner. Candles and all, the table filled with your favorite foods.

He loved it because to him, the little things were what made your bond stronger. He rested his head in your lap and you just enjoyed each other’s company. Sure it wasn’t lavish and expensive but this was exactly how you two loved it.

Jumin abruptly sat up and turned to you, “MC, if you would please be honest with me my love. Have I done a good job as a husband, loving you, caring for you?”

You grabbed the poor man’s face and hugged him tightly, reassuring him that yes, you were the luckiest girl in the entire world.

Jumin closed his eyes and breathed in your scent, his heart pounding, tears threatening to fall. It’s odd, everyone teased him for being robotic and stoic, but you stirred all types of emotions in him.

It was getting late and you two knew that the Chairman had probably had his fill of his grandchildren. You two made your way down the stairs and settled next to each other in the car, cozying up to one another. The driver started up the car and made its way down a busy intersection when your vehicle was stuck.

Jumin felt his body fly forward as he lost his grip on you. He awoke outside the vehicle, lying on the cold hard ground. He groaned as he grabbed his head in agony, his skull was throbbing. He heard sirens in the distance and he looked around and finally spotted you.

He made his way over to you, but he knew. You had not made it. Not with your body at that angle. He clutched your lifeless body and sobs escaped him. He cried out your name over and over again. Screaming. “Please god, I’ll do anything, please don’t take her. She is the only thing I have ever truly wanted, PLEASE”.

He cried out, but it was futile. You had left him. What was he going to do? How was he going to survive? You were his everything, his only reason to live, you understood him like no other. What was he going to do, oh mc? He let out another loud cry.

The funeral was painful. The magnitude of despair in his eyes was enormous. He took one last look at you. Hair, that you changed every day, always making you beautiful not matter how it was styled. Your eyes, that captivated him, the mischievous glint, how they sparkled when you smiled. Your smile, that gave him warmth and solace. Your arms which embraced him, finally giving himself a home after all these years of being alone. He couldn’t, he didn’t want to go back to the cold loneliness he felt before, the abyss of darkness he felt of being devoid of any emotions.

He turned; he was going to let Assistant Kang know that he was going to pour himself into work. Not to be bothered, he couldn’t deal with emotions they were too troublesome. He saw his three children, your three kids, in the arms of the RFA.

You hadn’t left him alone after all. He broke down once again as he embraced his children. How could he forget? How could he abandon them?

Emotions weren’t troublesome. After all, all three of your children were born from the love you two had. He wouldn’t regret a second, not one moment of him being with you. He wanted it all, the good, the bad, the heart-wrenching.

He kissed your forehead for the last time, “Thank you, my love, for everything you have done and everything you have given me. Words can’t begin to explain how much I love you, but just know that I do. Don’t worry, I will take care of the kids properly and love them just as much as I love you. Wait for me my love, for I will be forever yours.”

Saeyoung:

He didn’t deserve you. Seven knew that he knew it better than anyone in the world. The problem was he was madly in love with you. From the second he had laid his eyes on you on the security camera, he knew he was in trouble.

He also knew that he was no good for you. But the more you two talked the deeper he fell for you. You were perfect for him; he wanted you. This was him though; he didn’t get a happy ending. He was sentenced to a life of misery.

He pushed you away; it hurt him more than it hurt you. You, however, were as stubborn as ever and he was happy you were. Every step he took back from you, you took ten forward. He didn’t want to hurt you, he wanted you to be happy and safe, even if that meant that he had to be mean to you and show you better options.

He couldn’t do it though. At the end of the day, he loved you, more than anything in the world. To his disbelief, you loved him too. After the whole debacle with Mint eye and his brother, you two could finally be together.

Everyday Seven had to pinch himself, to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Surely there wasn’t a catch, right? There was no way he could be this happy without any catch? There wasn’t though, it was simple you loved him and he loved you.

You had gotten married after a year and were celebrating your two-year anniversary. He couldn’t believe it, he had spent two years with you as his beloved. To be with him through sickness and in health, through good and bad, he would do it all as long as it meant you would be by his side.

It was your two-year anniversary but he planned to do the same thing every year. He packed up a fulfilling lunch of HBC and Ph.D. pepper and you two hopped into one of his babies and made your way to the countryside. Stargazing was your favorite pastime, sure you weren’t able to get married at the space station, but you would take a look at the stars every anniversary.

You lay on the blanket giggling gazing at the stars, as Saeyoung looked at you. You were so beautiful; he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to find someone as amazing as you in his life. You were there for him when things were rough and he was so lucky. He felt his eyes fill with tears and drops trickle down. “Fuck,” he cursed.

You looked over at him, worried at his sudden sadness, “Saeyoung, what’s wrong babe?”

He pulled you into a tight embrace and kissed you. “Nothing, absolutely nothing is wrong as long as you are going to be with me forever.”

You giggled as you wiped the tears from your redhead’s face. “I plan on being here forever mister, so don’t try to get rid of my any time soon,” you joked. He laughed as he grabbed you to cuddle.

It was nearly dawn; you two began packing your stuff to get ready to head back. In the distance, Seven saw a vehicle, which struck him as odd since this area was extremely deserted. He saw the vehicle zoom closer and recognized it, as someone from another intelligence agency.

He yelled at you to get down, as he sprinted towards you. It was too late, you turned and he saw the confusion etched on your face as your body was thrown into the air. You hit the ground with a sickening thud. He pulled out a gun from his car but it was too late, the perpetrator had gotten away.

He sprinted to your limp body, praying with everything he had, that you were ok. That God was not so cruel to take you from him. He pleaded, bargained, begged him, saying that he would leave your life forever, that he should take him instead of you.

It was too cruel. He was the target, why had they come after you. Why did this happen to everyone he loved? Was he cursed? Damned to roam this planet, forbidden to get close to anyone or anything. Please God, if you’re there, don’t take her away from me. She is all I have ever wanted. I will do anything, anything you want me to JUST PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.

He sobbed ad he lifted your lifeless body into the car. He saw a tiny box wrapped up sitting on the passenger seat, which belonged to you. He opened the box carefully, wondering what on earth you could have gotten him.

He held the note and read it in disbelief, “Dearest Saeyoung, now my love you can make all the stupid dad jokes you want. I love you.”

His hands shook as he held up the positive pregnancy test. Tears flowed out of his eyes as he screamed. You were pregnant. How could the world be so cruel?

He cried and punched his seat until his throat was raw and his fist were bloody. There was only one emotion running through him now. He drove back to his house, contacted the RFA and held a small funeral; halfway through he disappeared, he couldn’t take it. God damn it MC, I told you, I told you I was no good. Sure I would be heartbroken, but I’d rather that than have you dead.

He went off the grid; his bloodlust was the only thing that he felt. He didn’t stop, he hunted day and night for the people who did this, for the people that took away his one source of happiness; the people who robbed him his wife and child.

Vengeance was the only thing that was on his mind. He finally found the perpetrators and exterminated them. He felt nothing; he had accomplished the final thing he had to do. MC, I can’t do it. I can’t live without you or our baby. I’ll see you soon.

He lifted the gun and held it to his head; he wasn’t scared. He was going to see you, and finally be happy. With a pull of the trigger, he made the ultimate profession of love for you.

Saeran:

He never said, “I love you” to you. Which seeing that you two had been married for a year, seems odd. Sure he felt it and you conveyed it verbally more times than he could count.

He did love you. He didn’t know why he couldn’t say it. It was your one year anniversary and Saeran was determined to say it to you today.

He chalked it up to nerves but honestly. Saeran had no idea why you were with him. You were beautiful, smart, kind and patient. It seemed that everyone in the RFA loved you, but you wanted to be with him. Was it because you felt bad for him? Did you pity him?

As pathetic as it was, even if that were the case, Saeran would take it. You made every day bearable. He loved how warm your embrace was. How your eyes seemed to light up when you spotted him in the crowd. How you always did all the talking but always remembered the little things he would say. He loved you. It was as simple as that.

Being with him wasn’t a walk in the park. Sure he had gotten better but you had been with him for five years. It took him four years to open up to you and even then he couldn’t say those three stupid words. He knew, that you knew how he felt. It was nice to hear it though, just like how his heart swooned every time you told him, he wanted you to melt as well.

He began walking over to your usual ice cream parlor for your annual date when he spotted you outside. He groaned inwardly, how was it possible for you to be this cute? You turned and spotted him, lighting up immediately, and he felt the heat rise to his face.

You excitedly grabbed his hand as you grabbed your ice cream and made your way to the park to cloud watch. You were happily chatting away as Saeran began feeling down. You deserved everything in the world, someone to tell you that he loves you every second of the day, someone affectionate and kind, someone that was the complete opposite of him.

He felt a pang in his chest. Maybe you deserved better, maybe he should let you be happy. Was he holding you back? He dropped your hand and began walking the other way

“Wha- Saeran? Where are you going?” you called as you chased after him.

“I can’t do this. I need to go home. We need space,” he said as he began crossing the street.

“Saeran, a break? I love you! What do yo-” you were interrupted by a loud honking sound as you were flung into the air.

Saeran hearing the commotion, turned around only to see you sprawled on the ground. He broke out into a run, his feet pounding the pavement. No. NO. NO. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You deserved better. He was giving you a shot to be better. You were right behind him how did this happen. He shouldn’t have turned around.

He finally made his way to your body, as he lifted you onto his lap. His hands were wet and matted with blood, he let out a sob, “No, MC, babe I’m sorry you can’t leave me. I’m sorry please, say something anything please.”

Tears began flowing down his face. He called and ambulance and then his brother, “Saeyoung, I don’t know what happened she was right behind me and now she’s bleeding, please oh god.”

He broke down crying hysterically. He couldn’t do this. He had never loved anyone like you. He never wanted to love anyone else but you. He heard you groan, “Sae- Saeran? Don’t cry love, I’ll be fine.”

His body shook, even now you were tending to him. He cried, tears flowing freely down his face, a siren in the distance alerted him that help was near. He saw your eyes flutter lightly, “Hey no, no. MC stay with me. I love you. You hear me you idiot, I love you so you can’t leave me ever.”Your eyes fluttered, the ghost of a smile played on your face, “You finally said it… I love you too Saeran. I lo-” and with that, your head lolled to the side. He kissed you, saying “I love you” chanting it like a mantra that could possibly bring you back to life.

He watched as the EMT’s lifted your lifeless body into the ambulance. They pronounced you dead at the scene. He saw his brother and broke down in his embrace. Why didn’t I tell her that I loved her sooner? Why didn’t I tell her I loved her every second of every day? Why is life so cruel?

He couldn’t even attend the funeral. He saw your face and locked himself in the bathroom to cry. He spent his days at your grave, and he spent his nights awake, often crying himself to sleep, just to repeat the cycle the next day. He loved you more than anything in the world and he couldn’t believe you were gone. He didn’t know what to do without you. He was empty. The only thing he seemed to be able to say was, “I love you MC”. If only I had been able to say it to you before it was too late.

WOW. Holy shit this was a loooooong one and hella depressing. OMG, I like low-key cried a few times while writing this. Worse because I played this song on a loop while I wrote this D: be warned kiddies. But um hello? Who is amazing for reading this long ass ficlet, that is a bit rusty because of this ol’ writer, YEAH DAS RIGHT YOU BABY GORILLA Just a friendly PSA- so just like in the fic, driving can be super dangerous. Please make sure that you all drive safely and responsibly because it’s not only your life that can be affected. Let me know which fic broke your heart the most >:D As always I love you guys

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waldeinsamkeitny-blog · 8 years ago

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On being an occasional fraud; and friendship.

A few months ago I was at a party and catching up with a person I hadn’t seen in a while. We weren’t friends, exactly, but definitely occupied the same concentric orbits: employees or ex-employees of a software company who were loyal denizens of Williamsburg. It was great to see him and make casual conversation on the steps of our friends’ walk-up, amidst the empty cups and next to a bike that took up 20 inches too many on the stairwell. Towards the end of our conversation, I suggested we grab coffee sometime; he responded (kindly) with “no, that will never happen.”

It was bit jarring to be called out – especially seeing as, before that moment, I hadn’t thought of myself as a hypocrite in my relationships with other people. If anything, I had always been the person who remembered birthdays, sent handwritten Valentine’s Day cards, and bought cookies for co-workers when they were having bad days.

And yet here I was, utterly exposed and acutely aware of the casual, well-intentioned fraudulence that plagues and often bookends our conversations: “It’s been so long” [insert conversation] and ending with “let’s grab coffee/a drink sometime.” If anything, the exchange made me more conscious of how empty those words sound, how ubiquitous these open-ended invitations become, and how the low likelihood of follow-through leaves us in limbo, until the next chance encounter (or until the next time we RSVP ‘Yes’ to a birthday party on Facebook with the intention of ‘playing it by ear.’)

I’ve been thinking about friendship quite a bit lately, and these musings often seem to dovetail with an itch to move out of New York. Since coming here in late 2013, I’ve never had a nucleus of friends; the majority of my best friends are scattered throughout the US – Austin, Boston, DC – and a handful have moved across the Atlantic to London. Luckily, lacking this tight-knit circle forced and empowered me to slowly create a constellation of wonderful friends and mentors, from college, internships, past jobs, networking events, yoga communities, and through the pure serendipity of living in New York. For the most part these friendships developed organically, but they also require continuous cultivation, care, and diligent maintenance (in other words, laughably drawn-out text exchanges determining an ideal date when both parties are available, promptly followed by a calendar invite to hold said date).

I recently read an article on Man Repeller that discussed how “adult friendships” are imbued with a certain sadness; the author discusses her nostalgia for the simplicity of childhood friendships, which were transacted, built, and cared for in simple and straightforward terms. As our lives become more complex and more variables come into play, we are constantly assessing and recalibrating our hierarchies of needs and priorities. With these adjustments comes a certain fluidity to our relationships. The way we treat others reflects the dynamic state of our own inner battles: with health worries, work-life balance, untimely tragedies, romances, disordered eating behaviors and addiction issues. Inner volatility and our all-too-human insecurities can often cause us to become inconsiderate, forgetful, and self-centered. These undulations imprint on our friendships.

I sent my parents that same article with some personal thoughts (overall, I opined that it made some good points, and I identified with many of the arguments posited by readers in the comments section). With characteristic frankness, my father wrote back, “friendships take work and that is why you can’t be friends with everyone…everyone is busy, so take 30 minutes a day and dedicate it to sending a birthday card, setting up lunch, arranging drinks after work. Or else you’re copping out and not trying hard enough to prioritize what is important.”

To be clear, I don’t disagree with my father; prioritizing the important things, whatever those may be, is critical, as is developing a set of personal values against which you can evaluate what is actually and actionably “important.” But his comments also made me wonder what unique challenges we face as a digital generation, where social media omnipresence translates into something subtly resembling obligation. We have so many friends across our various social channels, and their posts constantly and subconsciously remind us just how great they are and how long it’s been since we last saw them. Is it hypocrisy to consistently like and comment on a friend’s Instagram with no effort dedicated towards catching up with that person IRL? I personally feel that vague sense of guilt sometimes, and it can be exhausting.

The impetus for writing this post (after a very long hiatus here) was two-fold: the past year has had its challenges for me, and I’ve been surprised, occasionally disappointed, and overall deeply moved by who showed up, where, and when they did. The second reason is the confessional, which is that I have shirked my duties as a friend; I have been the person who “copped out” for reasons that don’t pass muster; I have forgotten important events and to respond to text messages. It’s happened more so in the past year than it ever has.

I read another article on friendship just a few days ago, in the “Modern Love” column in The New York Times. This one was less social commentary and more personal narrative; its understated beauty stemmed from its brevity, and the fact that it elegantly distilled friendship down to its purest elements and disregarded the variables that, in the end, should be irrelevant. It made me consider the fact that friendship, at its best, is unspoken trust and temperamental complementariness, a mutual understanding of the strengths and flaws that prove to be fundamentally symbiotic.

I am very fortunate to have some amazing friends in that lifelong vein, but I also count my lucky stars – each one in that constellation – who keep me curious, and ensure that my life remains interesting.

This post has no thesis, really, but rather encourages anyone who reads to consider your micro-interactions – the promise to grab coffee with good intentions, but no intentional follow-through – and your bigger gestures. Our words and actions matter, and we can all strive to be more authentic in how we interact with one another.

To those friends I’ve disappointed, recently or in years past, and to those friends with whom I may have lost touch, I’m sorry.

And to all of the very rad people in my Instagram feed with whom I may or may not ever grab coffee or even see again: I wish you the best.

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