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porcelainbirdss · 3 days ago

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forget me not

you gently twirled the small, blue flower between your fingers. you had always held a special fondness for them, as they were like living symbols of memory, reminders of things that should never be forgotten.

“what do you think of forget-me-nots?” you asked softly, letting your gaze settle on Mydei, sitting beside you.

“they’re…” he began, as if weighing each word. “they’re alright, i guess.”

his response was cautious, almost indifferent in a way, but there was something more lurking in his voice — something you had yet to decipher.

cw: fem!reader, thief!reader, descriptions of death, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, but also hurt/no comfort, descriptions of violence, blood, alcohol consumption, hinted depression, relationship established at some point of the story. || wc: 25k

"that was the last time we heard of [name]." Phainon explained, his posture stiff as the palpable tension in the room seemed to crush him under its weight. Castorice nodded along, fidgeting nervously with her fingers.

Aglaea took a moment of contemplation before finally sighing with defeat. even though the story they presented her with seemed almost unbelievable, her golden strings registered not a single waver. they were not lying.

"and what about Mydei?" she questioned, though the answer rang clearly in the back of her mind.

Castorice opened her mouth, but Phainon spoke first. "unresponsive. refuses to talk about it." he confessed, his eyes downcast. "i’m terribly worried about him. what in the gods’ name happened?"

the woman replied with silence, keeping her mouth pressed into a tight line. if only she eradicated the problem from the start, none of it would’ve ever taken place. alas, some things, no matter how tragic in their nature, cannot be undone.

———

your eyes narrowed at the blonde man, now idly talking to one of the many vendors who resided in the Okhema’s town square. Mydeimos. the crown prince of Kremnos, the Undying. at this point, there wasn’t a thing you wouldn’t know about him — long days of digging through information, listening on to another people’s stories, tracking and getting to know him better. Mydei was powerful alright, and if he was still there, he’d probably laugh at your face in that rumbling voice of his, saying "oh, you brainless girl, always biting off more than you could ever chew!". your lips twitched upwards at your own imagination, and even though you knew he was right, you simply couldn’t help yourself. Mydeimos wasn’t only popular, being one of the Chrysos Heirs — he was also dirty rich. it wasn’t hard to tell by the first look at him, golden necklace adorned with lazurite gemstones hanging heavily on the toned chest.

you licked your lips in anticipation as you lowered yourself behind the stacked boxes, the platform big enough to obscure your form entirely. robbery in the broad daylight was never no easy feat. you seldom did it this way, especially to someone of such high status, but the prince rarely wandered the streets during late night hours. you wouldn’t dream of mugging him — he’d knock you out within a second. instead, you’d use your wits and techniques, instilled within your instincts long before you were even taught how to properly hold a fork. patience was the key, and you waited in complete silence until the man finally bid goodbye to the seller, securing the big pouch of money to his belt. he was either as stupid as a donkey, or the holy city simply lacked in crime, hence why he felt no need to look after his belongings.

unfortunately for Mydeimos, you weren’t as honorable as the rest of the citizens, and you needed to steal from him — whether you wanted to, or not. it’s something you always did, and most likely will continue to do until your last breath. a fleeting memory of your old man flashed, and you grimaced, seeing his face in the eye of your mind, worn by age and hardships. your past wasn’t something you enjoyed reminiscing about. perhaps there were some fleeting moments of happiness — when your "Pa" finally managed to get you that doll you dreamt of, or when you both celebrated a generous surge of money, eating and cheering to your hearts content. however now, as you thought of the nameless man that raised you for those long years, all you could see is his agony state, once vigorous body destroyed by pneumonia.

you have struggled to make just enough to afford the medication you couldn’t steal, seemingly endless weeks of psychological torture and beatings you received from the victims of your (more often than not) failed robbery. as fear squeezed at your gut, you began to slip-up constantly, and most of your attempts ended up in vain. it was hell. living in a poor city was never easy, but at least you had Pa by your side. then, fate decided to sneer straight at your face, and take him away too. he wasn’t your biological father, yet you loved him like your own.

just as you thought things couldn’t get any worse, a sudden natural disaster decided to hit your town, hurricane ruining everything in sight. some people managed to survive, some died under the rubble. you wished you had joined the latter group.

your only desire was to lie in the middle of the place you once could call a home, and wait until your consciousness slipped into the nether. but you weren’t like that — fortunately (or maybe not), your drive to survive was much stronger than the grief pulling you down. you have traversed many cities since then, heart still wrenched by despair, but somehow you managed. leading a life of a vagabond was exhausting, and yet, you simply couldn’t give up. perhaps what helped was your rather unique talent — clairvoyance. it was useless most of the time, only allowing you to see brief snapshots of the future, not even on command — however the assurance of a promised tomorrow kept you going.

i’ll show you what i’m made of, old man. you thought to yourself as you got up from your crouching position, steadily tailing after Mydei. you kept a safe distance for now, your keen eyes glued to his back as you calculated what your best option of approach is. you knew you wouldn’t fail, as yesterday the vision revealed to you was of a big bathhouse, meaning — you weren’t imprisoned. unfortunately, the stealing part was still tricky, so you needed to focus, else you could miss your chance and go another hour or so without anything to eat.

you pretended to look at your own feet, 'accidentally' bumping into the man. there it was. you felt the pouch’s weight in your hand as you swiftly slipped it into your bag, the movement so brief no one around would be able to spot it. your head snapped up to look at Mydei with feigned apology. "oh, i’m so sorry, sir. are you alrig—"

you felt your heart jump up straight to your throat as he suddenly seized your wrist, the glare he sent your way sending shivers down your spine. did your vision fail you? no, that simply wasn’t possible — sure, it was just a brief glimpse of a bathhouse, but — gods, on the other hand, you never knew when it’s exactly taking place. it could have been a few weeks from now on, months, years! that stupid clairvoyance, was it supposed to help or torment you?!

you gritted your teeth, adrenaline instantly rushing through your body. Mydeimos was much stronger, it was obvious from the way his fingers clenched around you — but perhaps he didn’t mean to harm you, because the grip faltered slightly when he spotted your distraught expression. you didn’t want to cause a scene, however you had to break free, so you swiftly stepped to the side, pushing your body weight downwards before rapidly jolting yourself up. he seemed to underestimate you — by some miracle — his balanced stance faltered, if only just slightly. you hit the man’s arm with your whole might, wincing when the sharp metal of his gauntlet sent a painful wave through your muscles. with the impact, you managed to twist your wrist, and practically tear it away from his grasp.

you held back the triumphant smile that threatened to creep onto your lips, internally sneering at how Mydeimos’ pity caused you to take advantage of it, and give you a chance to flee. you turned on your heel, accidentally bumping into someone — you pushed that person to the side, making them collide with the prince. without looking back, you sprinted forwards, your calves starting to burn from the mere speed of your run. your vision narrowed as you kept moving between the crowd, your eyes searching for the best escape route. you’d have to leave the holy city as soon as possible.

you ran into a tight alleyway, almost stumbling over your own feet — you were fleeing for some time now, and so you risked a glance behind your back. nothing. you felt as if your lungs were on fire, and you gasped for air, leaning on the wall. you’ll have to resume your sprint soon, but now, you had to rest, else you’d collapse. after a few wheezes of exhaustion, you pushed yourself forwards, and you turned to the left, your eyes widening before you bumped into the very man who was chasing after you just a few minutes ago. how— when?! your mind started to panic as you wobbled backwards, his hand catching your collar just when you wanted to turn away and bolt.

"you damned—"

"what made you think you could steal from me, thief?" he seethed, tone dangerously low. you swallowed, trying to calm your hammering heart. you must think, think!

"let! me! go!" you growled, flailing your limbs around, your fists hitting blindly at him. "i didn’t steal anything!"

it was a poor excuse, you knew about that, but fear way too truthful for your liking started to bloom within your heart, and your usually sharp mind failed you. perhaps you weren’t as cunning as you deemed yourself. nothing other than pointless arguing came to your rescue, and you cursed yourself for your over-confidence.

Mydei swiveled you to face him, grasping both of your arms in just one hand, the other one unceremoniously reaching into your bag and pulling out his pouch. "what is it, then?" he asked, dangling the thing before your eyes. you felt the need to spit at his face.

"that’s mine."

"no, it’s not." the corners of his lips itched upwards, as if the whole situation was slowly starting to amuse him. "have you seen that vendor from earlier? he can confirm it belongs to me."

you huffed under your nose — it’s high time you switched plans. you forced the look of defeat, your shoulders hunching as you let out a big sigh, all resistance simmering down from your body. you could have begged for forgiveness — but you forbid yourself from falling this low, and you were sure Pa would be rolling in his grave from laughter if he saw you on your knees, crying and sniffling as you made up some hardly-believable story about your starving family.

you shook your head, keeping your tone coy. "alright, alright. you got me there."

the sudden surrender seemed to slightly surprise Mydei, but at least he didn’t point it out. "fine then. now let’s see what the Goldweaver will have to say about the whole situation."

Goldweaver. Aglaea. you knew who she was. you’ve never seen her personally, but the stories about her unmistakable beauty and coldness of character stuck, making a rather big impression on you. the woman wasn’t exactly ruthless, but she kept the entirety of Okhema on a tight leash, and you were sure the sentence she’d give you wouldn’t be lenient. damn your luck.

"so what? you’ll just drag me there?" you questioned, starting to feel Mydei tug you forwards. in response, he only nodded. heat of irritation crawled up your neck, as you thought you’d rather have him bind you into chains than pull around as if you were a small child.

for the whole length of your walk, you kept looking for opportunities to break free and run, however none came. people kept giving you dirty looks, but you paid little attention to them, well-used to the scrutinizing glances everyone would grace you with as you stumbled back home with a bruised face, a few dimes held tightly in your palm. when the time of your judgement came, you expected anything but this.

five months of cleaning the public bathhouse. no parole.

well, at least your vision wasn’t faulty after all.

for the first month, you were trying to run away. when the second and third came, you kept on seething, ferociously smacking the rag around as you polished the ceramics. by the forth you begrudgingly accepted your fate, and when the last month of your punishment came, you were almost grateful for such a forgiving penalty. they even gave you food, and a bed to sleep in — although the cell was rather cold. it could’ve always been worse, no? what surprised you furthermore, Mydei seemed to take no personal offense, and sometimes came to accompany you (or rather — make sure you caused no trouble, as during your first day you decided it would be a great idea to spill dirty water everywhere, and bang at the windows). at first you were very skeptical, swinging your broom at him as you tried to chase the man away, convinced he was there to just poke fun at you. as the weeks went on, it became obvious he harbored no ill intent.

"what’s this?" you asked as you bit off a mouthful of some pastry, your speech muffled by the big piece of sweetness.

Mydei chuckled dryly at your lack of knowledge. "you seriously don’t know?” you sent him a warning glare, still chewing on that certain something, so delicious and foreign to your tastebuds. growing up poor, you had no chance of ever experiencing such luxuries as tidbits. "it’s an eclair, [name]. pretty common, if you ask me."

you swallowed, wiping your mouth as you lazily leaned on the mop. "well, i’m sorry that i’ve never seen any of your fancy foods." you mocked, though it lacked in a real bite. "now, give me another one."

"no way, you’ve already had three of them—" he didn’t even get the chance to finish his sentence as you snatched the 'eclair', or whatever the thing was called from his tray. at least now your quick reflexes were actually good for something. you immediately stuffed it into your mouth, delight seeping through your senses as the saccharine melted on your tongue.

Mydei sighed in resignation, and you giggled at him, starting to swipe the floor with more vigor than before. it’s something he often did — bringing you snacks, and while you didn’t understand why he was acting so kind, you never dared complain. truth be told, when he first walked in with a plate full of pastries, you genuinely thought he wanted to poison you. it took some convincing — and eventually a small fight — but you caved in, and decided to give it a try. when you took the hesitant bite, you felt as if your whole world collided and got rebuilt anew in a span of two seconds. ever since then, Mydei kept gracing you with the sweet treats, and you definitely deemed him as a godsend, the merciful cakes and donuts calling out to you while you struggled to clean up the entirety of the bathhouse.

"goodness, what do you put in those little ecleres of yours?" you mused, briefly glancing at his tall form, now leaning against the pillar.

“eclairs.” he corrected bluntly.

"yeah, yeah, whatever, eclairs—" you rolled your eyes, dipping the mop into the bucket of water, "how do you make them? they’re amazing."

he cocked one eyebrow at you, amused expression starting to pull at his face. "want me to write you a recipe? i doubt you’ll remember anything when you finally get out."

you huffed, now looking at Mydei with a feigned hurt. you had to squint your eyes due to the setting sun, its bright rays blinding you. "do you really think my memory is so bad?" you whined, your lips curling downwards before an idea sparkled within your mind. "oh, i know! what do you say — once i’m free again, you’ll just teach me. doesn’t that sound wonderful?"

you had no plans of staying in the holy city any longer than you were forced to, but you doubted you’d meet anyone as talented as Mydei, and your baking skills were practically zero. getting yourself a cooking book, and attempting to lean how to make everything from scratch by yourself sounded… well, it didn’t sound like anything, because you’d probably fall back into the whirl of crime and thieving, so taking up a hobby was out of question. perhaps those few months in Okhema made you too soft, but you desperately clung to the vision of sparse comfort. just a few more weeks, and you’ll be gone, but you still needed to try everything that once seemed completely out of reach. you had to.

Mydei blinked at you, as if your offer took him aback. "i don’t see why not." he shrugged, pretending your enthusiastic expression was of an indifference to him.

you jumped up, cheerily clasping your hands together as the forgotten mop clattered to the ground. both of you cringed at the loud noise, and after a second of awkward silence, you bent down to pick it up, thinking it would be best to get back to work. for now, you had to focus on being meticulous, so that Aglaea wouldn’t prolong your punishment — then, you can think about all the joys the holy city had to offer.

———

in the retrospection, your stupid resolve to flee, and abandon Okhema now seemed almost laughable. you remembered it clearly as a day, your past-self swearing that you wouldn’t stick for long. well, as it turns out, four years have passed since then, and you were striving. you can’t really recall what made you stay — perhaps your nervous system finally calming down, pushing the ever-present urge to "fight" or "run" aside. maybe it was your own indecisiveness, crumbling into one, solid resolution as you got tired of the constant back and forth with your mind. just one week longer, and after that you’ll leave. when the week passed, you usually repeated the same sentence, ultimately making it obvious you weren’t going anywhere. months stretched into years, and you could pat your own back with pride, surprised by your ability of making the right decision for once. you no longer had to fight for your own survival, prolonged days of starvation and dangers looming over your shoulder completely gone. it was comfortable. you were warm, you had enough food to eat, so the need to steal and mug others died simultaneously when the threats finally dissolved away from your life.

it’s not like you had it very easy, though. you had to make money somehow (because, as it turns out, stealing was out of question), and so you decided to use your rather unethical skills to improve your living situation. you have done it previously, and it wasn’t exactly demanding. at first, it was just a small tent on the side of the road, and the fraction was poor, however soon your ‘clairvoyant' career started to bloom. yes, you could predict a future in a way — but that was mostly useless, reserved only to your own person. what really came in hand was a thing called "cold reading". when you were young, your Pa taught you this unbelievably nasty trick, and you knew it was only supposed to make your thieving expeditions easier — however now, you could play an ever-seeing clairvoyant maiden, deceiving others into thinking you actually had some mysterious abilities.

people like this sort of thing, and it’s awfully easy to impress them. locals, tourists, children and adults flocked to your tent, asking you to read their fortune and give some good advice. you’d chuckle in response, your intent gaze catching on every single syllable of their words. how they dressed, how they spoke, all the mannerism and attitude engraving itself into your mind as you cracked them open. you offered them seemingly innocent questions, only pushing to explore further. it came to the point where you’d constantly hear how good you were at this, and you only expanded the trickery you previously fed to others on a silver spoon.

cold reading soon turned into hot reading, and you would spend long hours trying to find out everything and anything about your regulars. it wasn’t morally right, and you were completely aware you were scamming them, but hey — it’s their fault for being so gullible. sometimes, when you had an especially tough case, and couldn’t exactly deduce any sort of important information from your client, you’d just hit them with something extremely universal, like "true love always waits", or "soon your troubles will cease, and you’ll be back on your feet”. every time you cringed internally, afraid if it was too obvious — but five or six days later, they’d crawl back, saying how right you were. you only smirked under your nose as the money effortlessly filled up your wallet. of course, you had met people against the idea, and they seemed to enjoy criticizing your ways — you paid no mind to them, even though you knew they were right, and all the others were in the wrong, blindly believing in your words.

finally, all of your hardships payed off, and you were able to buy a place to live in. it was small, and quite suffocating, but you remember squealing and tearing up from happiness as you gripped the keys to your new house in your hand. he would be so proud of you. now as you had more opportunities, you set up a special place dedicated to your divination within the safe walls of your home. it was going great — both the business, and your life. long gone was searching for any scrapes of food, and worrying whether you’d soak in the rain as the night’s cold air shook your bones.

as for Mydei — and your other friends who were smart enough to see through your dramatic theatrics — they were rather… opposed. that’s a good word to describe it, you thought. it’s not like you’ve ever told them straightforwardly — "it’s a fraud", no, they simply knew of your eccentric nature, and couldn’t believe you’d possibly let go of your old ways. well, good for them, at least they won’t be milked from money just for a few half-assed prophecies. Mydei would often visit your house, so cluttered with trinkets (sometimes he questioned where’d you get all of the stuff from, you simply grinned mischievously in response), and chastise you for shamelessly deceiving innocent citizens.

he kept repeating how wrong you are for this, yet what he did to mar your business? nothing. absolutely nothing. you could barely suppress the salves of laughter creeping up in your throat as you watched someone ask Mydei about his opinion on your divination. the man swallowed, nodded stiffly, took a deep breath — and said it was the best one in area. you recall having to turn your head away, else the awfully contained grin spreading across your lips would betray you. he was so bad at lying, and yet for some reason he tangled himself into your own mess, covering up for you. what’s even better — Mydei’s recommendations were sought after, so the queue before your house was… rather long, at least for a few days.

truth was, Mydei and you decided to stick together, so perhaps that’s why he decided to look out for you. you would’ve never guessed the victim of your miserably failed robbery would carry so much importance to you, brightening up your days with so much more color. every single second here meant a ton for you, as the fleeting nature of life became more palpable than ever. you don’t know when the line got so blurred, smudging like fresh paint.

perhaps it was a long time ago.

you twirled with joy as you excitedly nursed your belongings by your chest — the day of your release turned out to be unbelievably sunny, sky’s hue a deep lazurite, devoid of any clouds or breeze. Aglaea returned your possessions, although now lacking in all of the lock-picking tools and knives. fortunately, you held little sentiment towards physical objects, and so you didn’t cry after the loss.

"okay! so what do we do now?" you asked, enthusiasm dripping from every syllable of your words.

Mydei huffed, running his fingers through the blonde locks. "you never run out of energy, do you?" he asked, his gaze fixing on your form as you skipped beside him.

"oh, i know! you promised to teach me how to bake, didn’t you? let’s go do that!" you blatantly ignored him, your eyes jumping across every other thing as you took in your surroundings. in exchange for your rather 'easy-going' sentence, you were also forbidden from taking walks, so now it felt as if you just got born into the world anew.

"you seriously want to do that now?" he sighed, your idea bemusing him. "wouldn’t you rather… i don’t know, go sightseeing, or—"

"sightseeing? Mydei, please, don’t make me laugh!" you giggled, knocking at your own forehead, "we’re as free as the birds, we should do something more exciting than that!"

"so you think baking is more worthy of your interest than actually learning about the culture?"

you nodded, "you know me so well! but if you’re really so opposed, then—" you paused, mulling over your options, "is there a bar anywhere? we could make bets on who’s going to win a fight."

the man shook his head with resignation. "y-you don’t want to do that? okay, so how about we go and roughhouse up a few of—"

"let’s just stick to the baking, alright?" Mydei muttered, starting to feel overwhelmed by the multitude of your unconventional ideas of spending one’s free time. he also wanted to point out how you’re definitely due for a bit of resocialization, but decided to keep his mouth shut.

he lead the way to his house, and your jaw slacked to the floor as you took everything in. while he prepared the ingredients, you walked about the space, your eyes glimmering with genuine wonder, and you had to grit your teeth as you resisted the urge to pack half of his belongings into your bag. it’s not like you wanted to steal from Mydei, but it was buried deep within your instincts. all of the expensive-looking artifacts, and gemstones… you swallowed thickly, wiping the sweat off of your forehead. it was a small fortune (or rather an endless wealth, at least in your opinion). while the man busied himself in the kitchen, you could swipe some of the stuff, and bolt through the window. you glanced at the glass, measuring the height of your fall — two meters. almost laughable, compared to your previous ones where you’d hit the ground with a sickening thud, feeling the breath get knocked out of your chest. then again, was it really worth it? you weren’t some ungrateful brat, biting at the hand that feeds you.

your fingers trailed over the small stones, their golden-brown color drawing you in. you wouldn’t take them — you just wanted to touch the smooth texture, smiling to yourself at the nice, cool sensation.

"enjoying yourself, [name]?"

you jumped up with a yelp at the sound of a familiar voice behind your back. you quickly turned to face Mydei, your expression twisting with the slightest of distress. "i—i swear i didn’t steal anything!" you pleaded, surprised that he was able to sneak up on you so effortlessly.

"i know you didn’t," his face eased into something more pleasant as he stepped closer to you, "i just asked if you like them."

you breathed with relief, letting out an awkward chuckle as you turned back to the stones. "yeah, i do. they’re beautiful."

the corners of Mydei’s lips tugged upwards. "this one is called tiger’s eye. i have plenty, so you can take one, if you want to."

"really?!" you beamed, selecting the smallest one from the collection. "thank you, thank you!"

the man observed as you placed the tumbled stone into your bag, his eyes briefly locking onto your overjoyed features. “i have prepared everything, so go back to the kitchen."

you gave an understanding nod, falling into step behind him as he led the way. as you reached the countertop, your gaze swept over the assortment of ingredients — flour, sugar, milk and melted butter, eggs. amongst the familiar things sat a peculiar fruit, it’s skin a pretty shade of red. "what is this?" you inquired, picking it up.

"a pomegranate." he responded, and you blinked twice at the name. you’ve heard of it before, though you had no chance of seeing it with your own eyes. you sniffed the fruit, and the vague smell didn’t remind you of anything. just before your teeth sank into its thick skin, Mydei snatched it out of your palm. "that’s not how you eat it. anyway, we’ll need it for later, so be kind and try not to eat anything."

you rolled your eyes at his strictness, but decided it would be better not to argue about it. "well, fine. so, uhh, what are we gonna make with all that?" you pointed towards the stuff lined up before you, wondering what it’ll change into.

"pancakes."

"oh! you mean those flat-like things?" you scratched your nape, starting to feel abashed by your lack of general knowledge. during your whole life, you managed to survive on simple food like potatoes, groats, rarely meat if you and your old man were lucky enough to rob a vendor, or make just enough to buy yourselves a piece of cold cuts. you had no idea of what the world could really offer, your sight focused solely on the basics.

"exactly," Mydei affirmed, taking the bowl and placing it in front of you, "they’re easy to make, so your brain won’t have any problem to catch up."

“hey!" you whined, though you paid no mind to the lighthearted bicker.

"take the flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. whisk it in the bowl." he explained, and you gave him an unsure nod, pouring the previously measured ingredients and starting to mix them together, even though you saw no point to that. in the meanwhile, he set another bowl by your side, his studious gaze watching over you, as if he was sure you’d mess up something as simple as that. "that’s enough. now stir the butter, milk and eggs in the second bowl."

you obediently followed the instructions, wondering why you had to do everything in the separate containers. was it really necessary? still, Mydei would probably sentence you to ten years in prison if you decided to do things your way. you whisked everything, and although the process was monotone, you found yourself enjoying it. it was slow, and calming. you didn’t have to fight, or run while the ferocious barking behind your back rapidly picked up in volume.

"now mix it into the flour."

"why couldn’t we do it with just one bowl?"

"because it wouldn’t work. do as i say."

you huffed, thinking that maybe you preferred the hounds chasing you. you stirred the batter together, seeing as the consistency started to thicken. "when do i stop?" you asked, your eyes glued to the work at hand.

"when you deem it fit." Mydei answered vaguely, causing your eyebrows to narrow together. how do you know once the batter is ready? when it came to cooking, you were absolutely clueless, and you berated yourself for not trying to learn it earlier, even if it was useless to you. after a few minutes of mixing, you decided to put it down, thinking it would be best not to overdo it.

you looked at the man, searching for his approval. he briefly glanced into the bowl before turning on the stove, and starting to heat the skillet. "hey, is it any good?" you questioned, but your voice seemed to fall deaf on his ears as he melted the butter on the pan’s surface. he was doing this on purpose, wasn’t he?

"pour the batter on the skillet. but not too much," he said, completely ignoring your earlier question, "remember to keep it at medium heat, else you’ll burn the pancake."

you rolled your eyes once again this day, but ultimately complied, pouring the bowl’s contents out. you listened to the sizzle, and after a minute or two, Mydei grabbed the skillet’s handle and effortlessly flipped the pancake over. you hummed in acknowledgment, watching it take on a nice, auburn shade. "that’s how you do it. now, your turn.” he instructed, swiftly moving the ready food onto the plate.

you enthusiastically followed the steps, tracking down the minutes. after you counted to one hundred, you started to doubt yourself, your thoughts falling into disarray as you wondered whether that’s enough. just to be sure, you counted down to another hundred, finally grasping the pan’s handle and throwing the pancake up. you gasped in horror as the food flew into the air, way too high for your liking, finally landing with an unsatisfactory plop onto the counter. one of its sides was charred, and the other one looked definitely undercooked.

a stretch of silence filled the kitchen as you observed the atrocity you just made with your own hands. "so, uhh, Mydei… do you think it’s edible, or…?"

he sighed, taking the thing and throwing it into a trash can. "i guess not. try again."

"but—"

"try again."

you huffed, repeating the steps. alright, now you won’t mess this up — it was so easy, after all. when enough time passed, you carefully flipped the pancake, trying to control your strength, and you cheered with celebration when it turned out alright on one side. it could have been better, but you were still proud of yourself. gods, you were getting really good at this, weren’t you?

"what do we think?" you asked, taking in the beautiful sight of pancakes stacked over each other.

Mydei crossed his arms over his chest, a small smile tugging at his lips. "great job. you actually didn’t burn my kitchen." you laughed at his comment, patting his arm with a self-satisfied smirk on your face.

"me? burn your kitchen? oh, i’m way too talented for such mistakes." you boasted, even though you knew it wasn’t impossible for you to accidentally set everything on fire. "by the way, what do we need the pomegranate for? decoration?"

"it’s messy, so i’d rather you leave that to me." he answered, taking out a knife, "while i’m busy with that, you can clean up."

the protest died on your tongue when you realized you probably shouldn’t complain — after all, Mydei dedicated plenty of his free time to teaching you, and for that, you were grateful. you scooped everything into your arms, putting it away in the sink before wiping the countertop. you didn’t even get to finish your task when the man announced he was done.

you swiveled on your foot, clasping your hands together at the sight of the finished dish. a stack of pancakes, dripping with syrop and pomegranate seeds generously sprinkled on top made your stomach rumble with hunger. you exclaimed with excitement, practically bolting to the chair and sitting down.

however, as you two got busy with eating, you started to feel a little guilty — Mydei was giving you food, and you had no way of saying thank you. how’s that fair? what’s worse, what if he demands you pay him back? stress squeezed at your gut as you kept on mulling over all of the grim possibilities, remembering the awful things you were faced with once you couldn’t pay your debt to someone.

"Mydei, i—" you began before he cut you off.

"[name], would you like to learn another recipe some other time?"

you blinked at him, stopping your chewing. "i mean… yes, of course. but why? you don’t have to do this, and i have nothing to give in return."

"you’re foolish if you think i want anything from you." he chuckled dryly, placing the fork down. "and a mere pancake recipe won’t be enough. you have plenty of other things to learn."

you felt your chest swell — perhaps the concept of kindness was still quite foreign to you. you swallowed, your eyes fixating on the table.

"i’m not sure if i’ll stick around long enough for you to teach me." you admitted, though the vision of leaving the holy city behind seemed almost unpleasant.

"we’ll see about that." Mydei announced nonchalantly, and you wondered if he really was so self-assured about you staying in Okhema. still, maybe his gaze reached way further than yours, and he was able of deciphering what your heart really desired.

one year flew over your head like a flock of birds, and the roots connecting you with this place seemed to tighten around your ankles for good.

it was the afternoon. the weather was nice that day, and you thought taking a break from your work could do you some good. the business was booming, and you didn’t lack in money for a change, but the effort you put in made your bones heavy, and sometimes you felt as if you were falling asleep inside your own body. you needed to rest — if only just for a few hours.

you invited your friend to accompany you, even though your body demanded a while of loneliness. still, with how things were going, you were sure that you and Mydei spent way too little time together, both busied with your own responsibilities. earlier on, when you had nothing better to do, you’d constantly stick by his side, trailing after the man, and demanding he tells you more about the history of Okhema. he’d scoff and huff at you, even though you knew he wasn’t really annoyed. people often gave you weird looks, wondering how much audacity you could possibly harbor to unceremoniously bother the prince of Kremnos — however, you simply felt no need to follow the authority. it was as simple as that.

seated by the bank of a shallow stream, you let the cold water lap at your feet, its refreshing touch a nice contrast to the sun beaming on your nape. fortunately, you were already used to the holy city’s climate. a soft hum of contentment escaped your lips as your fingers brushed against the wildflowers swaying near your legs — you plucked one, smiling to yourself.

“what do you think of forget-me-nots?” you asked softly, letting your gaze settle on Mydei, sitting beside you.

“they’re…” he began, as if weighing each word. “they’re alright, i guess.”

his response was cautious, almost indifferent in a way, but there was something more lurking in his voice — something you had yet to decipher. you nodded with understanding, turning your body to face him as you tugged the petite flower between the stands of his golden hair. "there. now you won’t ever forget me."

you laughed at his perplexed expression, getting up and skipping into the stream, the water barely reaching your calves. you beckoned Mydei to join you, but he shook his head. truth be told, most of the time he didn’t understand you. every day, you managed to do things that surprised him, or say something so bemusing his mind failed to comprehend your words. you were from two completely different worlds — maybe that’s why he felt so drawn to you. your mannerisms and thoughts you’d often muse to yourself out loud, the way your feet fell so gently on the ground, bitter smiles as you failed to catch the grasshoppers into your palms.

you were different. that’s easy to say about someone, yet he genuinely had this kind of conviction — a brick wall separating you from all the others. you traversed unorthodox paths, your nonconformity ringing heavily in your steps as the trail of beargrass grown in your wake. at first he didn’t think you’d decide to stay, preferring to flee the city as soon as possible, yet here you were, splashing the water around as your eager hands clasped on little fishes, watching them wiggle until you let them swim again. you called out to him again, but he refused once more.

you were so pretty, and puzzling. the color of your eyes came out vividly in the sun, and you glanced at him, but he was already staring at you. he often pondered — how can you stay so positive all of the time? even as the rain poured down, you were still packed with energy, hiding under that makeshift tent of yours as you smiled up at him. perhaps that was the face of a person who was denied anything good throughout their whole life.

"how’s business going?" he asked, interrupting your wild chase after the dragonfly. you stopped, wiping the sweat off of your forehead, and slowly dragging your feet closer to the bank.

"good enough." you answered vaguely, that mischievous smirk pulling your lips upwards. "at this rate, i’ll be much richer than you."

Mydei chuckled quietly, taking in your breathless form. "and do you plan on buying a house? or will you spend the rest of your days in your poorly-made tent?"

"hey, you!" you groaned with feigned irritation, splashing the water at the man. a few droplets reached his face, making him grimace at the sudden coldness. "of course i will buy a house! i’m very close to it, actually."

"is that so?"

"yes! and you’ll be the first one to visit me!" you exclaimed, the look in your eyes turning dreamy as you imagined all of the comfort and possibilities once you’ll get your own place to live in. "oh, i’ll be baking tarts and cookies everyday, and i won’t need to worry about the weather, and—"

you kept listing all the stuff you wanted to do, and Mydei nodded along, listening with intent. it was so obvious you desired a home more than anything in this world. he remembers offering you to stay at his house, but you refused, stubborn on remaining independent. short after that, an idea born within your cunning mind, and soon you were making good money on clueless people who got themselves scammed. it came so easily to you, and he often criticized your shady business, feeling bad for all those innocent citizens blindly believing in your lies or guesses made on a whim.

at the same time, he was happy for you — and he didn’t want to admit it, even in his mind, but the way you danced oh-so carefully around your mirage of trickery and deception made him even more infatuated. you were unconventional in every sense, laughing at the fate as you provoked it with astonishing clarity. then, after you were done with your work for the day, you’d search for him and poke fun at the surprised expressions of your clients, mimicking their reactions as you retold the lies you fed to them.

he knew it was wrong. he knew he should oppose it harder, yet all he did was snicker at your silly faces, reminding you to be more mindful.

with the corner of his eye, he noticed the small forget-me-not that you earlier stuck into his hair, now falling out due to a brief gust of wind. he didn’t need it to remember you forever. even though he knew you for only a year, the image of your face was already buried deep within his brain, the unmistakable whimsy and slyness appearing engraved into his eyelids.

you finally plopped down beside him, sighing as you drained the water out of your attire. with you next to him, he felt as if everything he carried within his heart meant something more. more sacred, more precious. even the simplest "hello" sounded like "come here, [name]. it’s late and i missed you."

your back met with the lush grass, and you looked into the honeyed irises. you wished you could merge into one with the soil, the dirt and vegetation swallowing you whole, and he’d still be there, equally entangled within the vines and stems. but that wasn’t possible.

by the second year of your new life in Okhema, you were sure it’d be a place where you’d stay until the sorrowful moment. there was no other way.

"and here is my living room!" you announced with unconfined pride, stretching your arms in the rather small space, still lacking in any furniture or ornaments. "do you like it?"

Mydei sent you a wide smile, infected by your contagious happiness. you were showing the man your new house, a thing you worked for harder than any other. it took some sweat, and unbelievable amounts of effort (at some point you genuinely thought your mind would give up on you, and sizzle away, leaving your skull empty), but here it was — a place you could call your own. it was still devoid of anything other than a bed, basic kitchen equipment, and the most humble bathroom, but you were satisfied. properly decorating the space can wait.

"it’s nice, [name]." Mydei replied, his eyes scanning the 'living room', dimly lit by two oil lamps sitting in the corner. in the middle of the room stood a singular, low table, a deck of cards along with few tumbled stones he let you take from his house spread across its surface. there was nothing else.

you kneeled by the table, tapping its wooden plane. "i see you’re intrigued by my divination area, dear guest. want me to tell your fortune?" you giggled playfully as you picked up the cards, their corners battered from the flow of time.

Mydei cocked one eyebrow at you, amused expression starting to tug at his face. "no, thank you. i have no need of vixens trying to deceive me.”

"oh, come on, Mydei, just this one time!" you pleaded, patting the place beside you. "i promise it’s free of charge, since you’re my best friend!" he sighed at the sight of your pitiful face, sitting in front of you as your feigned hurt immediately shifted into a self-satisfactory smirk.

"fine then. let’s see what you come up with."

you shuffled the cards vigorously, the movement so fast, even his eyes had problem focusing on the way your nimble fingers shifted the cards between each other, changing their placement. "now, dear guest, please cut." you placed the perfect stack down, and Mydei begrudgingly separated the top half of the cards.

you kept an artful smile on your lips as you spread the cards along the table’s surface. he thought that if he were an unknowing client of yours, he’d definitely believe in your fraud too.

"alright, because i am only telling your fortune, we’ll skip over the rest of the steps.” you announced, your words slow and calculated as you already thought of whatever dramatic prevarication you’ll hit Mydei with. "please, choose one card. don’t show me yet.”

without further ado, he quickly picked out the third one to your left. his eyes studied the illustration on the card, lips itching upwards as the whole charade was starting to genuinely intrigue him.

"what now? you’ll guess what card am i holding, oh great clairvoyant?" he mocked, though it lacked in any real bite.

you chuckled lowly, batting your eyelashes at him. "why, of course. how could i not? my eyes are all seeing." you boasted, having one final glance at the card before you were absolutely sure. "it’s the chariot."

Mydei blinked at you, his eyebrows tugging together as he put down the card on the table — indeed, it was exactly as you said. by the look on his face, it was obvious he was pulling your leg earlier, not actually expecting you to guess. you grinned at him, happy with yourself.

"the chariot, huh… well, dear guest, it seems you need some encouragement. my instincts tell me you have been struggling with maintaining your direction. but worry not! you’re full of fierceness, and strength, aren’t you?” you got met with silence, pushing you to continue. "you need to hold onto your convictions, and your goal. i see bright future for you, though… shall we draw another card?" you mused, the absolute confidence radiating off your body. you were in your element, all the words slipping so effortlessly from your tongue as your fingers steadily tapped against your cheek in feigned contemplation.

Mydei shook his head. “i think that’s enough. now tell me how you did that."

"did what?" you teased, barely containing your amusement.

"don’t play a fool, [name], you know exactly what i mean." he urged, finally making you groan with resignation as all the mysterious atmosphere from the room dissipated.

"you see my cards are a little messed up in some places, right?" you offered, pointing out the bents and imperfections along the thick paper. "i just memorized their backs. people think i’m really all that, meanwhile i’m simply perceptive. well — i can’t say it works all the time, so i also count the cards, just to be sure."

the man nodded, having to admit it took him by surprise. to think you’d go such long ways — on the other hand, people wouldn’t fall for something too simple either, so what you were doing was probably necessary. "color me impressed, [name]."

you thanked for the compliment, quickly shoving the mess on the table to the side. "okay, you have seen the entirety of my house, i already told your fortune — what else would you like to do?"

Mydei shrugged in response, his gaze falling to the window. "i’m not sure. it’s pretty late, and you must be tired."

you huffed, an unsatisfied noise slipping from your mouth as you rested your forehead on the table. you didn’t want him to go yet, so you had to find a way to entertain him. he won’t play any card games with you, since you’ll cheat the hell out of them, and baking was out of question too, your house lacking in any ingredients. you could converse about something of not much importance, but the energy was still filling every fiber of your being, and your brain demanded more stimulating activities.

suddenly, through the dull darkness of your thoughts, an idea sparkled, bright as a day, and yet to stupid. still — you couldn’t help yourself as you rapidly got to your feet, starting to bolt towards the kitchen.

"[name]?" Mydei called after you, watching you sprint out of the room.

you ignored him, crouching by the cabinet under your sink, opening its doors to grab a big bottle of champagne, a red ribbon tied around its neck. it was supposed to be a gift for your friend’s birthday party — you honestly had no clue what to buy her, and alcohol seemed like the only available option. you were never big on drinking, however that’s… probably what people get each other as presents, no? you paused for a second, wondering whether your idea was really so brilliant, but you ultimately cast your concerns to the side, thinking you’ll buy another one tomorrow. even if it’ll hurt your wallet.

you paraded into the room with the champagne in your hand, dangling it proudly in the air. Mydei rolled his eyes in disappointment, but the corners of his lips itched upwards as he took in your form, relishing in yourself. "don’t you think we’re due to some celebration?" you hummed, setting the bottle down with a 'thud!'.

"what’s the red ribbon for?" he inquired, turning the thing around as his eyes searched for the percentages. Mydei didn’t particularly like drinking, especially when the alcohol was strong, and so he felt slightly unsure to see it wasn’t necessarily light. usually he’d refuse altogether, but since it was your big day, he couldn’t say no. you have gone such a lengthy way, prevailing through all the hardships, and finally reaching your dream — of course, it was only logical you’d want to honor your achievement.

you stepped by the window, opening it widely as you leaned forward, looking at the street. from this side of the road there wasn’t anything attention-worthy, your neighborhood stretching into the further horizon. no one was out, and the silence of the night got interrupted solely by the night birds, chirping away to their hearts contents.

"ah, don’t mind it. i bought it like that." you lied quickly, though it was hardly believable. if you told the truth, the man would surely deny drinking, chastising you for being so thoughtless. you grabbed the bottle, beckoning Mydei to stand by your side. he lifted himself off the ground, dragging his feet over to the window.

"want me to help you open it? it won’t spill out." he offered, but you shook your head, retracting the alcohol away from him.

"no, i’ll do it my way.” you announced, a mischievous smirk stretching your lips as you took the safeguard off the bottle, and he barely stopped himself from taking a cautious step back. you gave it a light shake, prying the stopper off with your thumb.

before Mydei could even open his mouth to warn you, the cork practically flew off, a loud 'pop!' piercing through the stillness of the air. the champagne’s contents exploded, rapidly spilling down your arm along with the road, and you bursted out into untamed laughter as you watched the pure-white foam gather everywhere.

"damn, it’s—" you wheezed, wondering what made it so funny, "it’s spilling everywhere! Mydei, please," you paused, feeling the salves of joy fold you in half, the muscles in your stomach and cheeks burning, "do something! do something!”

he swiftly grabbed the bottle, covering its opening with his own hand. you let go, shaking off the liquid from your fingers as you continued laughing, tears starting to gather in your eyes as you observed his half-panicked, half-amused expression. "[name], for gods’ sake, i told you i’d open it!" he exclaimed, your contagious emotions quickly spreading to his face.

you breathed, your laughter now easing into giggles as you tried to calm yourself down. when was the last time you let yourself feel this way? it must have been a long ago. "yeah, yeah, i admit it would’ve been better if you took care of it." you cackled, gently taking the bottle from his hands. "next time, i’ll listen to you."

with that, you cleaned your hands, and wiped the champagne dry, sitting back by your small table, surrounded by nothing in the empty living room. the alcohol’s contents were already reduced to a half, even though none of you tasted it yet. unfortunately, you didn’t have any cups, so you had to drink straight from the bottle. with the first swing, you grimaced at the bitter sensation spreading on your tongue, but you didn’t dare complain. Mydei seemed equally unsatisfied, however the both of you kept chugging, feeling more lenient than usual.

you never had much to drink, so you probably wouldn’t know, but as it turns out — you were a lightweight. an hour passed, and you were already lying on the floor, your gaze swiveling and doubling as you looked at the ceiling with a dumb smile. Mydei was completely unaffected, still sitting upright, forced to listen to your blabbering.

"so, you know," you slurred, gesticulating with your hand as you tried to gather your disarrayed thoughts, "he comes to me — crying, you know, snot running from his nose, and all that — and he tells me: '[name], please, steal that ring for me!'. i tell him to get lost, and he starts crying some more. you catching up?"

"uh-huh."

"uhh, well, i told him to get lost, but i went to steal that ring anyway. i felt bad for the guy." you explained, as if it was the most interesting story in the whole world. "i couldn’t— you know, pick the lock, so i—" you paused, trying to remember what you did, "so i broke the window with a brick. i come inside — guess what, that damn shopkeeper is still there, sleeping behind the counter. well, uh, not sleeping, cause i woke him up."

"and what did you do?" Mydei asked, his tone bordering on interest.

"i panicked, obviously." you chuckled, recalling how absolutely terrified you were at that moment. “he pulls a gun out on me — don’t know how he did it so fast, but he did. good thing the poor bastard was drunk out of his mind, and he kept missing, else i’d be turned into a strainer."

the man remained silent, his brows knitting together in quiet contemplation. though you recounted the story with laughter, the weight of your experience settled heavily on him. he couldn’t summon even the faintest chuckle, no matter how much he wished to. the thought of you enduring such a reality dulled any trace of amusement he might have mustered.

you yawned, starting to feel sleepy. "somehow, i survived that… frenzy, and i ended up snatching the ring. it wasn’t even the one he wanted, nor was it the right size — but oh well. he proposed anyway, and uh, they’re either dead or still married to this day. pretty funny, no?" you rubbed your eyes, stretching on the floor.

"was it worth it?"

"what?"

"risking your life for that man. you didn’t even like him, right? you could have died."

"Mydei, you don’t understand it, do you?" you giggled, trying to pull up your body into a sitting position, though you failed miserably, your head spinning as if you were sitting atop a carousel. "if i weighted— ugh, if i weighted my every single decision through the prism of a possible death — then i wouldn’t have moved a single inch throughout my whole life."

he sighed, drumming his fingers against the cold ground before finally deciding to get up, and check up on your well-being. you smiled as you saw him kneel next to you, carefully pulling the troublesome hair away from your face. "and anyway, i think that — you know, love is important. he wanted to propose, and isn’t that, i don’t know. something to die for, maybe?"

"perhaps, but you were still foolish to do what he asked you for." Mydei nagged, his looming silhouette obscuring your view of the ceiling. his eyebrows were tugged together, and you felt bad, because you didn’t want him to be somber. you both were supposed to be happy tonight.

you reached your hands upwards, catching his cheeks in your palms. even though your vision was still woozy, you didn’t fail to notice the glimpse of embarrassment flashing through the man’s face. that evoked a hum out of you as you pulled his head closer to your face, amused by how easily he got abashed (or perhaps what you were doing was already too much, but you were too drunk to realize).

"Mydei, would you go and steal a ring for me, if i asked you to?"

he huffed, starting to feel the heat crawling up his neck due to the close proximity. "don’t ask me weird things."

"answer me." you demanded, trying to form your features into something more threatening.

he scoffed as his golden irises focused on yours, and you swear there was four of them now. "let’s say i would."

"wrong." you warned, the clarity returning to your eyes for a split second. "don’t ever do anything for me. you’ll only waste away."

the tension seemed almost palpable, filling the room as the smell of champagne on your breath mixed with lilacs growing outside. Mydei’s gaze kept flickering over your whole face as he tried to decipher your words, and you smirked to yourself, sending him a challenging look.

"i don’t think i care." he finally retaliated, returning your expression.

"no?"

"no."

a beat of silence passed as you studied him, the satisfactory answer making your lips stretch into a wide smile. you finally took note of his deeply narrowed eyebrows, and laughed, flicking his nose. he flicked your forehead back.

"don’t grimace at me, i’m starting to get scared." you snickered, simultaneously letting your arms down.

Mydei only scoffed, straightening his back out, and mouthed something that didn’t quite reach your ears. your head lolled to the side as a certain realization slowly cut through your mind — you liked him. it didn’t wash over you like a sudden plummet of the rain — if you had to describe the feeling, it was akin to the lake’s gentle flow of the water, the cool feeling encompassing one’s body as they stand by the bank, ankles dipped. it was peaceful. you swore to yourself that you wouldn’t grow too attached, but it was midnight, and you were laughing way too hard, lying on the cold floor inside an empty room. something foreign gripped your gut, and at that moment, you knew you were absolutely doomed.

life was treating you well. you had friends, you had a stable job, all of your old habits safely repressed into the back of your mind, as you long forgo the ways of a criminal. everything seemed to fall into place, and you rarely thought of the past. you simply forgot. those four years of comfort coated your mind in a blissful veil, obscuring the dark memories from your eyes. one might say you lost a part of yourself in the process, but you didn’t like the sound of that — it wasn’t true. you just no longer needed her. the cracked claws, and bloody canines lied abandoned, already covered in cobwebs and dust.

each morning, you would wake up not with dread, but with a deep appreciation for the life you once despised. the same existence that felt like a curse now appeared as an eerie sort of beauty. you worked as always — your hands submerging themselves in deception, your mind sharpened by years of perfecting the art of illusion. guilt never crept in, because why would it? you had long convinced yourself that no one could see through your facade.

then, you would open the windows of your cluttered home, letting in the crisp morning air. the scent of lilacs, blooming wild along the roadside mixed with the warm smell of sun rays. everything felt almost disturbingly perfect.

alas, all misery and pain in the human life usually starts with evident happiness.

———

"what do you mean?!" you practically screamed, feeling your knees start to buckle under the weight of your own body. your hands convulsed around nothing, and you felt the need to grab the woman, serving one of your daggers to her throat, even though you stopped carrying them with you a long time ago.

Aglaea sighed deeply, obviously fed up with all your shouting as she massaged her temples. "i said what i said, [name]. i was lenient enough."

just this morning, Aglaea requested a visit from you, and you suspected she might have a problem with your business of a questionable nature. what you didn’t expect is her demand you close it for good. when the announcement first hit you, you began laughing, your brain coming up with a lag. then, when the woman’s expression darkened, you felt a mixture of terror and anger rapidly building up in the pit of your stomach. it was all you had. if she takes that away from you, you’d be left with nothing. the life you built for yourself over the years was now crumbling, bricks falling down from the sky and ruthlessly hitting your head as you stood in the middle of it, your hands tied behind your back.

as you started to furiously question what led to the decision, she slowly explained it was for the bigger good, and it was the high time you stopped scamming the poor citizens of Okhema. you retaliated, saying they were always visiting you out of their own volition, and nobody was forcing them to spend money on your services. in exchange, she started listing all the times your faulty prophecies and divinations turned people to ruin — gambling, physical fights, broken bones and hearts over something that could’ve easily been avoided. you wanted to burst out how it was their fault for being so gullibly stupid, yet you held your tongue back.

"and what if i don’t listen to you, huh?" you seethed, narrowing your eyes at her.

"well," Aglaea began, the look on her face cold, "i’ll be forced to banish you from the city."

you gritted your teeth, knowing there was no way of convincing her — to only add to your dismay, you actually had to control your emotions, else she’d throw you in the jail, which would be way worse than actually suppressing the anger. still, the fact remained — you were officially stripped away from the only source of money.

"anything else?" you murmured grimly, gripping your attire as you tried to stop your fingers from clenching into fists.

"i expect you to close your business immediately. and don’t go to Mydei with that, because i assure you, he won’t be able of convincing me either."

you huffed out a dry, humorless laugh. "i wouldn’t dream of doing so."

Aglaea nodded, turning away from you the second she deemed the conversation over. you turned on your heel, feeling the resentment burst through every fiber of your being, bile gathering in your throat as you tried to calm down your trembling joints. your vision narrowed as you stormed off, practically running outside, thinking that any second longer spent there will make you puke over yourself — from the way your stomach squeezed, and amount of saliva pooling in your mouth, it was likely. you felt sick, stopping outside when the fresh air hit you. it was sunny as always. sweat formed on your forehead, and you had to lean on one of the pillars, else you’d collapse.

everything. everything you worked so hard for. four years of relentless dedication.

perhaps you had it coming, the moment you started to snicker under your breath when people came crying to you, begging for advice. the guillotine was already hanging dangerously close to your neck, and it was only matter of time before someone above you would cut the rope.

you tugged at your hair helplessly as your brain seemed indecisive whether to make you wail in the middle of the street, or yell in frustration as you knocked the trash cans over, kicking their metal surface in until you’d create a cavity, and someone would have to drag you away.

a groan escaped you as you considered your options — you had to do something, otherwise you’d fall to your knees and never get up. you could go home, or you could take another road, leading to Mydei’s place. the answer rang clear, and soon you were quickly rendering the distance, tears welling up in your eyes, however none fell. you blinked them away, gently knocking at the door, fighting the urge to bang at them with all your might — no, actually, you’d much rather just break the window, and invite yourself inside. you nursed your lower lip between your teeth, patiently waiting for the man to open the door, wondering what would you do if he wasn’t there. yeah, you’d definitely break in.

finally, the sound of the lock clicking caught your attention, and you almost breathed in relief when you finally saw the tall silhouette. "[name]?"

"hi." you responded, shoving past him to get inside, immediately reaching the stove as you frantically began to make you both tea. you didn’t know why, you just did it, your shaking hands pouring the mild water over the dried herbs as you tried gathering your thoughts. it wasn’t working.

Mydei stood silently, watching the whole charade with a concerned expression. after a while, he opened his mouth to say something, but you interrupted him by taking the cup and drinking the half-made concoction in one go, your face devoid of any grimace, as if it was the best "tea" you’ve ever made, and not disgusting water with leaves. you wiped your mouth, ultimately sitting down, and sending him a slightly unhinged smile.

"are you—"

"Aglaea made me close my business."

Mydei gaped at you, dumbfounded. "what?"

you shrugged. "you heard me right. funny, isn’t it?" you practically forced the words out, feeling your throat clenching. it wasn’t funny. none of it was.

the man sat beside you, his brows furrowing together as he contemplated your erratic behavior, the words dying on his tongue. perhaps if you were crying, or shouting with anger — then, he’d know what to say. but all you did was shrug, your wide eyes fixated on something above his shoulder. "why?" he inquired, tone unsure.

you glanced at your nails, the corners of your lips dragging downwards. "she told me i had a bad effect on people. i was doing them harm, or something… well, it doesn’t matter now. case closed."

tension in the air made the room suffocating, even though all the windows were open. "i told you to be more careful, didn’t i?" Mydei slowly weighted his words, afraid you might explode any moment. looking at the twitch of your eye, it was possible.

you shrugged, picking up the second cup and taking a big swing.

"what will you do now?"

another shrug.

"you really don’t know?”

you shrugged once more, placing down the tea back on the table with your trembling fingers.

"[name], for gods’ sake," he grimaced, gripping the bridge of his nose, "talk to me. i’m trying to help you." he hissed, the slightest of agitation laced through his voice.

"help me how?" you started after a short moment of silence. "Aglaea told me not to bother you about it, because she’s not willing to hear you out either." you scoffed, your eyes flickering over to the tiled floor.

"i guessed that much." Mydei sighed, his hands itching to reach out for your shaky hands, and hold them in place. "do you have any money left?”

"yes.” you nodded, even though the amount was rather meek. after you bought your house, you irresponsibly cast away the concept of saving, rather living from paycheck to paycheck. now you were starting to see how fatal of a move that was.

"what about work?" he urged, searching for any solutions, "do you have something in mind?"

you slowly shook your head, remembering how eagerly you kept searching for any kind of employment the moment your sentence ended. all of them turned you down, either saying you lacked in experience, or you didn’t meet the basic criteria. even the simplest labor seemed too high for your qualifications. "not really, no."

Mydei’s leg started to bounce. "i’m going to help you out until you get back on your feet."

no, please, anything but that. please, don’t make me your burden. please.

"i’ll manage by myself." you chuckled dryly, finally looking at his face. he was already staring at you.

"how?" he instantly retaliated, evoking a wince out of you. you didn’t know.

you leaned back into the chair, crossing your arms over your chest. "maybe i’ll just leave the Okhema, and start somewhere else, or…" you trailed off, the vision of throwing everything away just because of an inconvenience starting to sound absurd, but not out of question.

the man scorned at you, a certain sense of deep-rooted anxiety seeping through his expression. "no, you won’t.”

you’d smile at him, but the rage and hopelessness in your chest made you unable to. "alright, alright. i didn’t come here to ask for your help, i just— well, i thought i should tell you."

(no one else would be so understanding).

"why, though? you know i can give you money, or food. it’s what i’ve been doing those four years ago, and—"

yes, he was supporting you when you were absolutely lost, but the situation was different back then. right now, you’d rather rip out all of your teeth than accept any kind of help. you liked Mydei so much, and he would surely start to perceive you as an unnecessary load on his shoulders. more trouble than you’re worth. a cumbersome deadweight. you suddenly remembered your Pa — you haven’t thought of him in a while. he always instilled the independence in you, saying how relying on people would lead you astray. was Mydei the type of a man to leave you on thin ice? no, he was your best friend, he’d surely…

"please — just stop." you cut off his sentence, getting up from your seat. "i told you i’ll be okay."

he measured you from head to toe, feeling ire starting to bubble up in his chest at your refusal. prolonged silence filled the space of his house, and you wondered whether you should add anything, but no meaningful words found their way onto your tongue. you slowly began to drag your feet to the door, all the intense emotions starting to simmer down, and melt into an engulfing emptiness.

before you could reach for the door handle, Mydei suddenly got up from his place, reducing the distance between you two. you looked up into his eyes, unexpectedly starting to feel the need to curl up on yourself, and fall into the pits of nether.

"[name], i—" he paused, his fingers timidly reaching towards yours, "i’m sorry if you don’t think you can rely on me. i should have been more clear."

a small smile tugged at the corners of your lips. you grabbed his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, even though you were in the need of consolation, not him. "don’t worry. if things get really dire, i’ll tell you." you cringed internally, ashamed by how easily lying straight to his face came to you.

Mydei nodded, and you let go of his palm, quickly walking out the door, not knowing that day would mark the begging of an end.

———

four weeks passed since then. a full month, then.

you swore to yourself you wouldn’t do it, but you relapsed into your old habits. the realization of no other choice crept over your senses progressively throughout the prolonged days of hunger, and absolute despair. your life was still seemingly the same — you kept visiting Mydei, and your other friends, telling them how poorly your search for a new job was going, laughing a bit too hard whenever your stomach rumbled. it was driving you crazy. could a normal person function like that? surely not, you thought to yourself as you finally made your decision, tugging the bag onto your arm, and dropping one pocket knife into your right shoe. it wasn’t supposed to end like that, but your mind bent under the feeling of starvation. your ran out of money three days ago, and your food storage was now reduced to one canned peaches. there was no other way.

you gripped some woman’s pouch in your hand as you swiftly traversed the streets, finally stopping in a shaded alleyway, your fingers rapidly prying it open. you’ve been trying your luck for the past twenty-four hours, and the amount of people who fell a victim to your theft was growing steadily. one watch, three wallets, overall five apples and a piece of cold cut. nothing satisfactory yet, but a good start. you glanced into the contents of the pouch, quickly counting the coins. still too little to even pay the upcoming bills. you scoffed under your breath as you tossed the few dimes into your bag, discarding the pouch behind your back.

the sky was overcast, for a change. you watched the small birds hug into each other, thinking your life would be so much easier if you were one of them. you’d spread your wings and fly into the endless horizon, uncaring of such trivial human-matters like money or proper housing. the wind would billow through your feathers, and once you got tired, you’d stop on some branch, hiding in the comfort of leafy twigs — but you were no bird, and you needed to think.

you pushed yourself forwards, your keen gaze narrowing on some unsuspecting men, now standing around and chattering idly about stuff that held little importance for you — one of them looked somewhat wealthy. you rendered the distance between them, feigning a cordial smile on your lips.

"good day, gentlemen." you chirped, your eyes quickly scanning their clothes for potential belongings. "i don’t want to trouble you, but there’s a thief roaming around somewhere… he stole my wallet just a few minutes ago. you wouldn’t happen to see someone fishy around here, would you?" you asked, forcing the innocent hurt to lace your tone.

they looked at each other with confusion, shaking their heads. "we’re sorry, but unfortunately no. perhaps you should ask the guards for help?"

you sighed with resignation, your keen gaze observing them as they patted their pockets, checking if everything was in its place. got you.

"i will. thanks for your help." you replied, turning on your heel and starting to walk away. you stopped behind some platform, away from the reach of their eyes. now you just needed to wait until they’ll separate, and go after the richest looking one. that’s exactly what was so burdensome about stealing — the constant wait. of course, you could blindly go after some other people, but it was much riskier.

you leaned on the stacked crates, picking out an apple you managed to snatch earlier from your bag. the hunger was starting to get to you again, so you wiped the fruit’s skin on your attire, sinking your teeth into its flesh.

"i think that doesn’t belong to you, [name]."

you practically jolted at the sound of the voice, accidentally biting your own tongue. you dropped the apple, it’s small form rolling away from your feet as you turned to look at Phainon, that ever-present friendly expression painted across his face. you grimaced at him, instinctively gripping the handle of your bag, as if you were certain he wanted to take it away from you too.

"how can you be so sure?"

"[name], you need to stop." he said, his tone calm in contrast to yours.

"i asked — how can you be so sure?" you barked out, taking a step back.

he huffed, shaking his head. "don’t act like a wounded animal. i’m not here to harm you, or anything like that."

"answer my question, damnit!"

(how can you be so unkind to your own friend? why is the spite seeping from your mouth?)

Phainon’s eyebrows tugged together at your defiance. "Aglaea sent me. don’t take offense, but you must be really slow if you thought she wouldn’t notice your wrongdoings."

you scoffed, barely stopping yourself from spitting on the ground. "why did she send you instead of just throwing me in the prison like she did the last time?"

"oh, don’t think she wasn’t planning to." he chuckled humorlessly, "but since you’re close to us, she decided to ask about your well-being first. Mydei and i vouched for you, and so she sent me to knock some reason into your head."

you felt your nerves calm once you understood you weren’t in a critical situation, and you slowly nodded your head in reluctant understanding. perhaps Aglaea wasn’t as ruthless as you deemed her to be, after all. "okay. i— i’ll stop."

with a heavy heart, you took off your bag, handing it to Phainon. his smile returned, but you didn’t have the strength to reciprocate the gesture. "i’ll give it back to you the second we’re done fixing your mess, alright?"

you nodded again, your eyes falling to the ground. the man patted your back with compassion, even though you probably didn’t deserve it. then, he walked away, and you slumped down the wall, reaching for that apple you dropped earlier — it tasted almost rotten.

all hopes for a better tomorrow were staring to simmer away from your body, just like the fog dissipates from above the ground. you tugged your knees close to your chest, resting your weary head, and you shut your eyes tightly, praying — praying for a vision. you felt as if you regressed back in time, the younger version of yourself hiding by some gutter with her eyelids closed, waiting for her mind to grace her with a flash of a future. it didn’t have to be anything great — you just needed the assurance of survival.

the sounds of the environment around you turned into one, disharmonious cacophony, and you felt as if you were separate from every other thing. no visions came. they were rarely useful, never working much in your advantage. however, there was one that made your breath stop — you don’t remember how old you were when you saw it. maybe ten, or eleven. it was clearer, and more vivid than any rest of them — your own premature death.

you remember panicking, and screaming in horror as your Pa held you, wiping the tears away from your eyes, even though he didn’t understand what happened. you never told him.

all you can recall is a view of your own, blurry hands — they were bigger, yet still devoid of any wrinkles, only a rash scar stretching across your thumb. you must have been way older than only eleven, at that time of your passing. perhaps much closer to your current age. you lifted your head, looking at your palms — exactly the same size as from that nightmarish flash, except for the scar. they were covered in absurd quantities of blood; in that vision, you looked down, briefly catching the sight of your own slashed stomach before everything suddenly vanished.

for the past four years of your life, you’ve been searching for any kind of solace, deeply aware of your impending end. Okhema seemed just like the perfect place to spend one’s last few beats of existence, and so you cherished it. the relentless sun, and the flowers, constantly in full bloom. streams, soft grass under your bare feet, friends, money, tasty pastries and the liberation from fear. right now your own sky darkened, and perhaps your current situation was the first harbinger of the inescapable fate.

there was nothing you could do but weep.

———

you sat amidst your empty living room, the space devoid of any kind of ornaments or furniture, except for the small, low table in the middle, a row of tumbled stones you got from Mydei settled on its surface. you dragged your mattress over to there, thinking you’d much rather sleep in this room, for whatever reason. it almost felt like that day when you invited Mydei to see your brand-new place, excitedly showing him every single corner of your house — however, he wasn’t there now. he hasn’t in a long time.

you began selling your belongings three months ago, practically for pennies, as you were in a desperate need for money. you didn’t want to wait until someone would buy your stuff for a reasonable price, even though it was the better route of action. instead, you demanded small amounts of money or food in exchange for your things, happily giving them away, simply satisfied with the knowledge you’d be able to pay the bills on time. your home quickly turned into a soulless building, and so you didn’t invite anyone over.

life was still the same, except for the fact you currently lacked in any things to sell. once it gets really bad, you’ll cash in your mattress along with the table — you didn’t have the heart to get rid of the stones. you have long forgotten about searching for a job, so at least you had enough free time to spend it with Mydei, or any of your friends. however, sometimes you felt as if their gazes turned more… careworn. cautious. not Mydei’s though — he didn’t treat you with any sort of judgement, nor forced pity. at least that’s something.

you have tried to fight through the negative thoughts, making yourself stay positive — it worked, rarely. you’d smile to yourself, forcing your mind to keep being hopeful as you sorted through your cabinet, counting how long you could survive on your food supplies. six days, or so. that was enough. then, you’d open the window, breathing in the sweet lilac as you tried to imagine it was yourself from the past.

truth is, you wanted everything back, the way it once was. you still yearned for that awful champagne, and pancakes coated in pomegranate seeds, but the taste wouldn’t satisfy you as much — you crave the scent of lilacs, and forget-me-nots, but you mean those from two years ago. you keep forgetting all of your needs are never going to be satiated.

you felt the urge to simultaneously curl up on yourself and run, sprint so fast as if you were being chased by a pack of bloodhounds. and as you sat in the dark room, night birds still singing so cheerily, you felt the silly need to cry. why can’t you accept help like a normal human being? why must you struggle, stumbling over the path of your own ruin?

you heaved, tears welling up in your eyes, but you blinked them away, not allowing yourself to shed any. you got up from the floor, quickly putting on your shoes, and you bolted out of your house, a familiar destination clear in your mind. you had to see him. you had to see him, else you’d do something unbelievably stupid. you traversed the streets at a high pace, quickly turning a few times until you finally stood in front of the door. you knocked without thinking, uncaring to explain why you were visiting him so late — perhaps he was already getting ready to bed, or sleeping. you fidgeted nervously, hoping you were wrong, as you couldn’t stomach the vision of dragging your feet back home.

finally, the sound of distinct footsteps made you breathe out in relief. there he was. you smiled genuinely at the sight of Mydei’s surprised face as he opened the door.

"[name]? did something happen?" he inquired, worried as always. you chuckled nervously in response, kicking a small pebble.

"no. i just wanted to see you." you answered, swiftly walking in once he stepped to the side.

Mydei closed the door, and you noticed he was already dressed in his sleeping-attire — maybe the hour of your visit was too late, after all. still, you didn’t want to leave now, so you anxiously shifted your weight from one foot to another, waiting for him to say anything.

he sighed, turning to look at you, his eyebrows knitted together. "are you sure you’re alright? it’s almost midnight. why aren’t you sleeping?"

you shrugged, nonchalantly stepping over to the couch. "i told you, i just got lonely. life’s pretty boring without a job, you know." you plopped down, stretching out your legs. "i hope you don’t mind, though?"

the man shook his head in response, grabbing you a glass of water before handing it over. your first instinct was to refuse, but you were thirsty, so you took it without complaining. you sipped at the liquid, soon placing it down on the table. "so, uh… i reckon you were going to sleep, no?"

"yeah, you could say that." he tapped his fingertips against his arm, as if awaiting some kind of explanation. what was there to explain? you simply felt the hinges of your brain start to loosen, so you did what everyone else would do.

(any second longer in that empty house of yours, and you’d go absolutely crazy).

"well," you began, finding a more comfortable position on the couch, "don't bother yourself with me. you must be tired, so i’ll just sleep there."

Mydei cocked one eyebrow at you, his expression turning bemused, as if what you just said was illogical. "you’re always welcome here, but you could’ve at least told me in advance. now i don’t even have a bed prepared for you."

you dismissed him with a wave of a hand, huffing out a breathy laugh. you didn’t need such accommodations — you’re not some kind of a spoiled girl who throws tantrums once she has to sleep on a couch. "Mydei, i’ll be fine. you go rest in your bedroom."

"no, you won’t. i’ll change my sheets, and you’ll sleep in my bed. i can stay on the couch."

your eyebrows rose at the sound of his decisive tone. why was he so hellbent on it? you were already causing him trouble just by coming in so late at night, and now he was burdening himself with your comfort. "gods, no!"

"gods, yes." he mocked with a straight face, starting to step in the direction of his bedroom.

you rolled your eyes at his attitude, shooting up from your seat as you caught the man’s wrist in your hand. "okay so — if you want to be so stubborn, why don’t we just share your bed?" you offered, thinking your idea was simply brilliant, even though it sounded a bit silly when you spoke it out loud. "it’s big enough to fit us both.”

Mydei blinked at you, his eyes widening. you blinked back, the corners of your lips curling upwards. "i mean…" he started, weighting his words, "if that’s alright with you, then i suppose i see no obstacles."

you clasped your hands in success, starting to skip towards the room, obviously happy with yourself. he followed in your track, wondering if this really was the right decision to make. when he looked at you, what did he feel? the desire to protect, most likely. what if he slips up, and says something he shouldn’t? what if his resolve cracks, and he offers to help you out once more, and you’ll give him that scornful look you’d always grace him with whenever he proposed it? he has tried before, he really did. he pretends not to see the strain in your smile, or how hollow your irises seemed as of late — he knows you don’t like when he points it out, but it’s not like he doesn’t notice. would you get mad, if he tried one last time? would it really be so bad if he ceased your suffering, even if a little bit? would—

"Mydei, i don’t have any clothes to change into." your voice suddenly pulled him out of the reveries, making him stop in the middle of the bedroom.

"i’ll give you my robe. i doubt it will fit, but…" he sighed, opening the wardrobe and pulling out the garment. you accepted it with a grateful smile, gesticulating at him to turn away.

you swiftly changed into your new attire, securing it around your waist before jumping into his bed, feeling at how plush the sheets were in contrast to the hard mattress. you stretched out your legs comfortably, breathing in contentment. the man followed suit, albeit with much less energy than you, slowly sitting down and turning off the lamp. the room instantly got swallowed up in darkness, and so you lied down on your back, sensing your body relax for the first time in forever.

silence fell between you, and you itched to say anything, but no meaningful words found their way onto your tongue. Mydei didn’t seem to be in a need of conversation, so you kept your mouth shut, turning to lie on your side.

minutes stretched into an hour, yet you still couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning, accidentally knocking your feet against the man’s legs a few times. you apologized in a quiet voice, and every time he’d respond, saying it was okay — meaning, he wasn’t asleep either. guilt gnawed at your bones, and you couldn’t help but feel bad for interrupting Mydei’s sleep. he didn’t even get mad at you, making your conscience ever so heavier.

your thoughts turned onto a darker rail, knowing that once the morning comes, the shaky veil of tranquility will be swept again, and you’ll leave the place with a heavy heart, having to face your grim reality — whether you wanted, or not.

a huff of frustration escaped your mouth as you kicked the sheets away, starting to feel overly hot for no reason at all. perhaps you weren’t the ideal partner for sharing a bed, because Mydei turned to face you, and you could decipher the slightest frown on his expression through the darkness.

"[name], why can’t you sleep?" he questioned, keeping his tone barely above a whisper, "if you’re uncomfortable, i can go lie down on a couch."

"no, no. i’m alright." you assured, though the waver of your voice definitely betrayed you.

Mydei’s grimace deepened. "are you?"

you nodded, your line of vision moving towards the window as you stared into the blackness of the night. the sky must have been overcast, because you couldn’t spot any of the starts that usually illuminated the inky firmament so brightly. honestly, the lifeless sight made you even more depressed.

another long stretch of silence passed between you before you gathered up the courage to speak.

"if i asked you to run away with me, would you do it?"

the man seemed taken aback by your question, taking a while to respond. "run away? to where?"

you hummed in quiet contemplation. "i don’t know. somewhere far away, maybe."

he turned on his back, and you wished you could fix him into place, gripping his jaw so intensely he wouldn’t dare move his eyes away from yours. "[name], i couldn’t do that, even if i wanted to. i have my people to take care of. they rely on me more than on anything."

you held back a sigh, instead offering a half-forced giggle. "stop being silly Mydei, i was just kidding. you don’t need to be so serious all the time, you know."

"then don’t speak in such a gravely tone when you’re jesting." he retaliated, and you wanted to wince, afraid he caught on to your true intentions. fortunately, he didn’t say anything else.

you tossed on your side, now staring into the wall, and you berated yourself for even suggesting something so utterly ridiculous out loud. of course he wouldn’t agree — throwing one’s life away on a whim could never bring anything good, especially if he were to stick with the likes of you. Mydei was the crown prince of Kremnos. his people needed him. he was important. he mattered.

but you needed him too, did you not?

———

the atmosphere felt unusually light that day. Mydei’s gaze lingered on you as you sat cross-legged atop one of the chairs in his kitchen, absentmindedly eating the sandwich you had prepared for yourself earlier. you had started with small, measured bites, but the relentless hunger gnawing at your stomach quickly dimmed all of your remaining restraint. soon, you were ravenously wolfing down the bread, its jam-smeared surface disappearing far too quickly.

when your meager supplies finally ran out, you had no choice but to swallow your pride and reach out for Mydei’s rescue. the act stung — however, as the discomfort in your guts gradually dissipated, you couldn’t help but quietly smile to yourself, eternally grateful for the man’s unrelenting kindness.

little did you know, if only you asked — he’d give you all of his possessions, all of the food and stupid little tumbled stones you loved collecting, and he wouldn’t bat an eye at the loss. seeing you happy meant way more than those physical objects — he’d bake you all of your favorite pastries, and snap the lilac’s twigs off, gracing you with new bouquets everyday. if only you allowed him. if only you would finally abandon your resolve.

the silence of the space, only interrupted by your meek shuffling, made him remember the conversation he had with Phainon not so long ago. after they were done with sparring, they fell to the ground with satisfied huffs, but as they kept catching their breaths, his face shifted into a grimace (or at least that’s what he thinks his expression looked like), and the man sitting beside him spotted the way his brows narrowed. Phainon asked about you out of the blue — for a second, Mydei wondered whether your spirit possessed him, suddenly making him so perceptive and all-seeing.

"why are you frowning so much? are you thinking about [name]?" he teased, a playful lilt tangible in his tone. it came off as a joke, but it was obvious Phainon genuinely wanted to know. they were worried about you — both to their own extent, of course, as in contrast to his friend, Mydei seemed pushed up the wall, his mind constantly nagging him for not being able to help you.

he scoffed. "wouldn’t you want to know."

Phainon laughed in response. "there’s no shame to it. although… i’m starting to wonder if she really is only your 'best friend'." Mydei glared at him, evoking another snicker. he definitely knew too much.

"she is, so mind your own business." he muttered, sensing the heat of frustration creep up into his chest.

the other man hummed, a short while of silence stretching between them before he came up with a verdict. "so, if there’s really nothing going on with her and you, you wouldn’t mind if i asked [name] out on a date, would you?"

Mydei’s head suddenly snapped in his direction, his scowl only deepening. of course he would mind, what type of question is that?! "[name] deserves someone of higher intellect than you, so don’t you even dare.”

Phainon’s laugh never seemed to cease, only picking up in its intensity as he patted his arm with an almost pitiful expression. "oh, you’re really in love with her!" he announced through salves of giggles, a bit too loudly for Mydei’s liking.

that was absurd. sure, he cherished you, sometimes he thought he wouldn’t be able to imagine a life without you — but love? that was definitely a stretch. there was no place for romance in his heart, and from the look of things, neither was in yours. he’d continue to look out for you, provide if you asked him to, and that’s how it was supposed to be from the start. confessions of any kind would never take place, no, absolutely no. after all, what would he do if you rejected him? how would your expression look? what would you say to him? but, oh, what if you accepted? no, no, what is he thinking about? that’s… ridiculous. yes, it is, he needed to abandon this track of thought before it’d get out of hand, else he’d spiral down into the depths of something he could never crawl out from.

"no, i’m not."

"you’re in denial."

"i am not in denial!"

Phainon sighed, shaking his head with resignation. "doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. Mydei, it’s so obvious it’s almost painful to watch. you better take care of your mess, before it’s too late."

he got up from the ground, sending Phainon a scornful glare, finally dragging his feet forwards. he huffed under his nose, mulling over the man’s words — 'before it’s too late'. what a dumb thing to say, he thought as he walked away.

however now, as he looked at you, already finished with your sandwich, he couldn’t help but feel as if there was a profound truth to his friend’s words. he really is in denial — there’s no doubt. the way his heart clenched at anything you did, at every grimace and look of that wicked self-satisfaction you sent in his direction, sly, yet fond smile stretching your lips. sometimes you genuinely drove him mad, and he wished he could bite at your throat to silence you — but what was the difference between the clench of his teeth, and a kiss? they were both touch, equally fatal in their nature.

"thank you for the meal." you breathed out, the tone of your voice content. Mydei’s mind focused back on reality, suddenly pulled out of his reveries. you had smeared your nose with jam.

he quickly pulled out a napkin, reaching forwards. "you got jam on your nose." he announced bluntly, wiping the thing off of your face. an abashed smile found its way onto your mouth as you giggled at his gesture.

"i can clean myself, you know!" you retaliated playfully, gently pushing the man’s hand away. right, you could do that on your own, so why did he…?

Mydei suddenly felt embarrassed by his action, but the blush on your face made it easier to swallow down. you straightened out your legs, getting up from the chair and putting the plate in the sink. "do you want me to make you something to eat too?" you asked before turning on the water, and starting to scrub the ceramic.

he blinked twice, taken aback by your question. "no, thanks. i’m not hungry." he said, leaning forwards on the table, his keen eyes watching your silhouette as you bustled by the countertop.

it was domestic, in a way. you have been residing at his place for the past week, and you never explained exactly why, but he had no problem with it. you were helping out with the chores, washing the dishes, and windows — he told you countless of times you didn’t have to do that, but you seemed hellbent on having your way. whenever he chastised you for doing the things that a guest shouldn’t, you’d only smirk at him, saying you were merely trying to be useful. why were you? you didn’t have to be useful. you didn’t have to do anything. you could as well be lounging on his couch with a magazine, lazily sipping at the lemonade, and he still wouldn’t mind.

you turned off the water, quickly swiveling on your heel. "i’ll go hang up the laundry."

"no, [name]—" he protested, but you were already out of the room, soon carrying the basket filled with clothes on your hip, opening the door outside. he sighed, pulling himself upwards and following after you.

Mydei stepped out, squinting at the relentlessly bright sun rays of the morning. you threw one of the sheets over the string, reaching upwards to clip it in place, then bending down to grab another. he huffed at your efforts, guilt creeping over his conscience as he observed the shadow of your silhouette, it’s blurry outline peeking through the thin material. "you don’t have to do that, you know."

"why not? i love helping you. it’s the least i could do." your head peeked from behind the white sheet, a wide beam stretching your lips as the slightest gust of wind disheveled your hair.

you loved it? Mydei’s eyebrows tugged together as he stood on the patch of soft grass, ever so still. he watched you work, thinking — yes, perhaps he really did love you. the realization washed over him, and he barely registered it, because it wasn’t sudden — it was there for all the years, pushed back into the further corners of his mind, barely obscured by seemingly innocent adjectives such as 'cherished' or 'treasured'.

if he didn’t love you, then certainly he wouldn’t allow you to practically live in his house, rarely coming back to your own. he wouldn’t let you sleep in his own bed, tucked just next to him as you conversed about insignificant things, only to wake up the next day and ask whether you could bake a pie today. and he most certainly wouldn’t feel so lost, yet so fulfilled at the same time, hoping you’d never dare to leave. he already got so used to seeing your sleepy face in the morning, and listening to your singing as you showered, and the way you cursed under your breath when you accidentally spilled the milk, and how vividly your laugh resonated whenever he told you something mildly funny — he can’t imagine you going away.

Mydei stepped forwards, bending down to grab a piece of your attire from the wicker basket. "i’ll help you." he said, securing it on the string oh-so carefully, as if he was afraid it’d turn into dust in his hands.

you send him a grateful nod, feeling the sweat gather on your nape as the sun shone straight onto your form. yes, it is the truth you enjoyed helping the man out — you wished it could stay like this forever, but you knew all the sweetness is always quick to disappear from your life, and you already overstayed your welcome.

there were three reasons why you decided to stay at Mydei’s place for so long — first, you ran out of food, and the hunger made your head swim with indescribable discomfort, crumbling your resolve. second, you hated being alone at your house, the emptiness rendering you mad. third — you simply yearned for the man’s company.

now, as you stood side by side, hanging up the laundry, playfully bickering over something silly, a silent realization settled in — you needed to leave. you were never meant to linger, never meant to grow so accustomed to his generosity, or presence. it wasn’t fair — to him or to yourself. you promised yourself independence, no matter how dreadful, no matter how cold the world might feel without Mydei’s kindness. and yet, even as you resolved to go, a part of you ached at the thought of leaving this ease, this comfort, this fleeting moment of something that almost felt like home.

———

you sat by the familiar stream’s bank, your fingertips gently caressing the small, blue flowers as you tried to distract your mind from all the complex emotions you were forced to go through everyday. lately, you distanced yourself from everyone — even Mydei.

maybe you were really going insane, but you convinced yourself it was for the better. two weeks passed since you had the time of your life, living at his place, and when you decided to return, you sold your mattress along with the small table from your living room. the food you bought with the newly-gained money lasted you up until now — you didn’t even think about the bills, their impending presence now appearing indifferent to you.

you will have to leave Okhema soon. it was as simple as that. you’d sell your house, bid goodbye to everyone, and disappear. you will travel to another city — but you doubted there was a place for you in this world, so you’ll continue traversing from one place to another, watching the life go by, waiting for the moment of your upcoming death. maybe it won’t be so bad, after all? you had fun in the holy city, at least for the majority of your stay — you don’t have to grieve what could’ve been. you were already satisfied with the brief taste of freedom, grateful to the gods who decided to look in your direction, and allow you to truly live instead of surviving. a short moment of blinding pain, and your body will fall onto the ground, earth reclaiming what belonged to her.

that’s why you decided to keep all of your friends at distance. you weren’t sure if you could imagine your disappearance as something worth crying over, but maybe some of them would be a little sad. if they take a certain disliking to you, marred by you ignoring their existence, then surely it will hurt a little less. perhaps it won’t hurt at all. they will eventually forget, because what were you if not a passing glimpse of their lives?

you smiled to yourself, finally plucking a few forget-me-nots from the dense patch, twirling them in your fingers as ease washed over you. the quiet humming of the water, and the melodies of birds lulled your distraught brain into a state of tranquility, as you thought — it’s finally coming to an end. everything will, no matter how hard you try to hold it in place. you glanced up at the setting sun, slowly hiding behind the horizon line. there is a day, and there is a night. that’s the ultimate truth of human life.

suddenly, your peace was interrupted by characteristic footsteps. you’d recognize the sound of them everywhere, and usually your heart jumped up in joy, however now it caused your stomach to squeeze with stress. he was the last person you wanted to see right now, and you weren’t sure whether you could look him in the eyes after fourteen days of ignoring.

"[name]." the slightly harsh tone of the man’s voice urged your head to turn, facing him. Mydei’s expression was of the same nature as his words — unpleasant. he must be mad, the scowl tugging his eyebrows together as he rendered the distance between you.

you forced your face to shift into something similar, although you felt as if you failed in obtaining the same look. "what?" you barked back, getting up on your feet.

he stopped just before you, and you had to crane up your neck to look into his eyes. "i knew i’d find you here." he scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "what do you think — pretending i don’t exist? acting as if you can’t hear me knocking at your door everyday?"

you balled your hands into fists, else you’d start to nervously fidget with them. "Mydei, i—"

"do you take some joy in making me wait at your doorstep like a dog?" he cut you off, and for the first time since forever, you felt the need to spit at him. you knew you were in the wrong for treating him like that, but you genuinely had no bad intentions, and it was his fault for acting like a fool!

"no, of course not!" you retaliated, stress merging into one with anger, "but— but who’s saying you have to visit me, or anything? nobody’s forcing you to—"

Mydei interrupted you once again, "do you even hear yourself? maybe all of the incense in your house finally fogged your mind?" he sneered, and you thought there’s no incense in your living room anymore. there’s nothing, except for the stones he let you take from him — tomorrow, you’ll throw them in this stream, watching their colorful forms sink to the bottom, yes, that’s what you’ll do!

"maybe i just don’t want to see you anymore, how’s that?" you snapped at him, but you instantly regretted it, watching his expression involuntarily fall, if only just a bit. you were so unbelievably cruel, you almost wanted to fall to your knees and apologize — but you wouldn’t.

"why?" he asked, "you were so eager to stay at my place not so long ago — and maybe i’m remembering things wrong, but you were happy back then, weren’t you?"

you winced, hearing his tone gradually become more livid. you wanted to take a step back, but you’d tumble into the water, only embarrassing yourself. "yes, yes i was, but times have changed, Mydei, and i don’t know what else to say to you." you seethed, gathering up more resolve.

"then at least tell me what made you change your mind about me!" he bit at you, and you wondered what kind of explanation you could muster up before your argument changes into a screaming match.

your mind worked faster than ever, but you failed to reply in any sort of way, remaining silent. it urged Mydei to continue. "really, who would have thought… you don’t want to see me again, you can’t even respond—" he paused, weighting his words as his eyebrows narrowed even further, "maybe you never were my friend to begin with. i should have seen this coming, looking at the way you—"

"no!" you interrupted, the hardened facade crumbling once you couldn’t bear to listen to him anymore, "i was— i am, still! but Mydei, i just— i just couldn’t handle it anymore, constantly relying on you, acting like some kind of a burden!" you said, trying to control your wavering voice, "i didn’t want to use you, i never could, i never will, so please, try to understand me!"

his scornful gaze finally seemed to ease, and a deep silence fell between the two of you, the only sounds being the chirps of the crickets, and the ever-quiet hum of water. the man closed his eyes, as if mulling over your words. "and is that really the only reason why you distanced yourself from me?" he finally asked, cracking his eyelids open.

no, it wasn’t the only reason, but you’d rather lie than confess to your upcoming plans of departure. “yes. i’m sorry."

he sighed, brushing his fingers through his blonde locks. "[name], sometimes i have a really hard time understanding you. you really don’t see it, so you?"

"i— what?"

"how important you are to me." he confessed, his eyes flickering away from your face for a second. it must have taken a lot of courage to say these words. "i do cherish you. i want you in my life, no matter what you think. if— if you really want me gone, so be it, but i need you to know that you’re precious to me, and i genuinely cannot fathom… cannot fathom to imagine you leaving me over something like that."

your blood pressure arose instantly, and you swear you heard the ground under your feet crack, threatening to devour you whole. your hands trembled, and you blinked twice, feeling your heart pounding so rapidly at your ribs. the inside of your mouth suddenly got so dry, so unbelievably dry, and a fleeting thought passed your mind — perhaps, all of the suffering comes from craving, and attachment — there was no other explanation for the way your stomach squeezed around itself, as if it was silently threatening to kill you. your gaze rapidly flew around in search of anything that could come to your rescue — a rock, dragonflies, the setting’s sun reflection on the water, a lime tree, a bird, the grass — your eyes returned to Mydei’s, and you swallowed.

"are you saying that…?" you asked, your voice unsure.

he nodded. "yes, i’m saying exactly what you’re thinking, [name]. i love you. is it not obvious?"

"i— i mean, i’m not… i don’t know, all the time i thought…"

"it doesn’t matter. if you’ll have me, then i’ll make sure you—" Mydei paused, as if forcing such vulnerable words out loud took a toll on him, "i’ll make sure you won’t suffer alone anymore."

you finally offered him a small smile, reaching out for the man’s palm, and he immediately interwoven your fingers together, clenching them around your hand so tightly it made you think — i’ll stay. i’ll stay here with you, Mydei, and i won’t leave. i’ll fight tooth and nail to bend my fate, i’ll rip the gods beating hearts out if it means i can live by your side. i don’t want to die, no, not when you look at me like that, with so much adoration in your golden irises.

"but i’m tough." you responded, your vision flickering over to his lips, suddenly so inviting.

"i’m aware." he leaned in much closer, as if understanding what you were thinking about, his free hand gently moving to your cheek, securing your head in place. "you are tough. you are. but it doesn’t mean you have to face all the hardships by yourself."

your forehead knocked against Mydei’s, and you hooked your arm around his neck, thinking the tangle of your limbs resembled a rattlesnake’s nest. "if that’s what you think…" you whispered, pressing your body into his, deeper, deeper, praying every single fiber of your muscles would fade into his, and a few days from now on you’ll be waking by his side again, brushing the mischievous strands of hair away from his sleeping face. you’ll push your mouth to his brow, mumbling: 'i know it’s been so long, and i’ve been awful, but now we’re together.'”

finally, Mydei’s lips crashed into yours — it was obvious he was trying to hold back, but all the pent-up emotions and desperation seemed to implode over your senses, and you gripped his locks, causing your teeth to accidentally clash against each other. you’ve never kissed anyone. it was your first time, and you didn’t know what you were doing, but his hand seemed to lead the way, tilting your head at the right angle, serving as the last anchor of control.

you closed your eyes even though you didn’t want to, rather drinking in the sight of the man’s face from up close. as the warmth of his lips embraced you, a sharp shock suddenly ripped through your mind, and you saw the vision — your curse, your blessed gift — an unfamiliar path, your legs taking fast, wide steps forward, a line of trees in the distance — it disappeared, causing you to whine into the kiss, a mixture of dread and elation merging into one noise. you didn’t know what it meant, that flicker of future.

Mydei pulled away, his pupils dilated, and then you couldn’t bring yourself to care. "i’m sorry, did i hurt you?" he asked, and you almost laughed at the way his blushed face twisted with innocent anxiety. you shook your head, finally registering how out of breath you were — you gasped for oxygen, pulling the man back into your arms as you leaned your head on his collarbones. you stood like that for a longer while, taking in his scent, so terribly familiar. the loud rush of blood in your ears dissipated, and you could clearly hear the songs of cicadas, cutting through the overall silence of twilight.

you were the first to let go, finally stepping back. to think your earlier fight would lead to such events, unfolding things you had no knowledge of previously. you felt fulfilled, and happy, and determined anew — so you smiled brightly at Mydei, smoothing out your disheveled hair. "it got late, huh…" you muttered, looking up at the sky, navy and pink melting into one, stars splattered over its surface.

he nodded along to your words. "right. are you coming home?" he asked, and you cocked your head to the side.

"you mean my house?”

"no, mine." his short answer caused your breath to hitch, an encompassing sensation of finally belonging somewhere, being a piece of something bigger, swelling within your chest. his house. our home. how wonderfully did that sound?

you shook your head, sighing. "i’m— i’m okay for now, i guess if you want me to stay at your place, i’ll have to pack a few things."

"don’t you want me to help you with it tomorrow? knowing you, the suitcase will be on the heavier side." that made you snicker, playfully hitting him on the arm — however, you knew your belongings wouldn’t even need a suitcase — all you had to your name was a few necessities such as toothbrush, some clothes, and the tumbled stones you wanted to throw away in the stream earlier on.

"no, i’ll be fine, really."

Mydei hummed, acknowledging your words. his hand reached towards you for the last time, giving it a small squeeze. "everything is going to be alright from now on. understood?"

the corners of your lips curled upwards. "understood."

you affirmed with a tone full of confidence — so why did you feel as if you were still lying?

the man walked you back to your house, and you waved him goodbye, waiting for his silhouette to disappear in the darkness of the streets. you didn’t want to be there, and now that he was gone, the vision you received of your legs treading an unfamiliar road made you genuinely ponder over its nature. a feeling of unease settled deep in your stomach as you pushed yourself off the porch, starting to wander around. you passed through a few familiar points, thinking, thinking way too deeply for your liking. your thoughts swiveled around in your brain, creating scenarios and visages that caused your very marrow to shake with dread, but, for some reason, you couldn’t stop.

you don’t know how long you’ve been walking around. the sky was already black, and there wasn’t many people outside, only a few individuals stumbling back from their bar-hopping escapades, or fighting through the insomnia. you were neither of those, simply traversing through the Okhema like some kind of a ghost, slowly dragging your feet forwards.

your conscience hung heavy over your shoulders, making you sigh every so often. you were happy just a few hours ago. what happened? nothing.

you shoved your hand into the pocket of your attire, starting to become slightly cold — you sensed something inside, feeling at the delicate petals, and you pulled the flowers out. forget-me-nots. when did you put them here? most likely when you were playing with them, and Mydei decided to take you by surprise, sneaking up on you. you must have absentmindedly placed them in your pocket, because there was no other explanation. you kept walking, staring at the now barely-visible blue on your palm, and you suddenly thought — when did you forget?

you gripped the stems in your hands, crushing them under the pressure of your fingers as the now slightly blurred image of your old man’s face appeared before your eyes. it was so long since you really reminisced about him — not just a passing flash, but rather really thinking. allowing yourself to weep as you recalled the memories, something you were never supposed to push back, repressing the man you loved so much deeply in your mind. that’s exactly what you did — repress. you repressed him. through the chase for money, a better life, occupied by your friends, and seemingly endless food — you almost forgot.

did his voice always sound like this? were the wrinkles on your Pa’s face truly so deep? what was the color of the doll’s hair he gave you? what were his last words? what were his last, very last words? your heartbeat seemed to stop as you couldn’t recall them, causing you to hyperventilate. you can’t remember, you can’t, you can’t — what now? what should you do?! tears welled up in your eyes as you clutched the forget-me-nots in your hand harder, feeling their sticky juices seep onto your fingers, and now, you couldn’t stop the warm sensation rolling down your cheeks. you heaved, stumbling forwards as the blue petals fell from your hands, and you tugged at your own hair in frustration.

how dared you forget? you should have been more careful, embedding the words, and his face, and voice, and the rough feeling of his calloused palms on your face as he consoled you, saying how this world was cruel, but at least you had each other. what could have been if Pa didn’t die? would you still live in poverty, or maybe your resolve would harden over the time, and you’d make enough money to run away from that awful town together, finally paying him back for all the kindness he kept offering you throughout your whole life. maybe then, you’d move to Okhema, by some miracle — and you’d meet Mydei as a softer version of yourself, your old man could taste all the delicious pastries, and perhaps then — perhaps then you wouldn’t feel as if you were incomplete from the start.

you laughed through the tears, remembering your Pa’s words: "loss and pain make one stronger, so you have to embrace it." you didn’t understand it back then, and surely you don’t understand it now — how was it supposed to work? it didn’t make you stronger, it only made you more stupid, clinging to whatever comfort the holy city had to offer. it caused you to push back the memories of terror, stripping you away from what you once were. you betrayed yourself, didn’t you? and you betrayed your father, who kept instilling independence and fierce-temper in you for all the time. you threw away his legacy, rather focusing on your own well-being. and wasn’t that selfish? dear gods, wasn’t that so terribly, awfully selfish?

you loved Mydei, and he loved you, but how can you love with such a hell in your head? how can you possibly live? you sniffled, wiping your eyes, and suddenly your lament got interrupted by a hard shove to your arm. your head snapped towards some man, obviously drunk out of his mind, his face twisted in a disgusting grimace.

"hey, watch where you’re going, y-you damned strumpet!" he slurred, stopping in his track to spit on your shoes, a self-satisfied sneer stretching his lips.

you felt a surge of rage run through your body, instantly washing away all the sadness from earlier. "what the fuck did you just say to me?" you seethed, taking a wide step forward, and shoving the man into the wall of an alleyway you were currently in.

it was hard to tell through the way tears still clouded over your vision, but the man’s confident expression seemed to falter. "i— i said— damn you, you—"

he couldn’t finish his sentence, because you swung at him, gritting your teeth when your fist painfully collided with his jaw. you felt it rattle, and he stumbled to the side, still miraculously holding his balance. the man pulled himself up with a groan, obviously stunted, and tried to mimic your move, his staggering arm reaching out to meet with your face. you dodged the pathetic punch, feeling an enormous amount of fury gather up in your gut.

remember, [name], if someone attacks you, your best choice is to run. but… truth be told, i was never a 'runner', if you know what i mean! running, you see, is for cowards. and you aren’t a coward, my girl. you are smart. hmm… yes, wits are important, they definitely are. but, ah, you know how it is in life, even the most reliable things can sometimes fail you, no? once that happens, and you seem out of options, just swing at that fool who decided to fight you — it’ll hurt, you see, so fists aren’t always the best solution. do you know what’s harder, and sturdier than hands? knees and elbows. use them. use your head. use everything i’ve taught you.

you gripped the man’s hair with much more force than necessary, and he flailed his limbs, throwing blind punches at you. "try to say that again, i dare you!" you growled, and all he did in response was scream. you threw your leg up, your knee hitting him in the face, and you heard a crack, probably of his nose. you repeated the action, thudding his head against your bone before you threw him on the ground. it was enough. it was enough, and yet you still crouched next to his whining form, gripping the collar of his shirt.

"apologize." you demanded, but the man wailed in pain, touching his busted nose and lip. "apologize to me right now!"

all you were met with was another whine, so you swung your fist at him again, and again. you don’t know what possessed you. your vision narrowed, deafening out the sickening cracks and snaps, and you heard the bustling of your hometown street. you heard the excited yells and whistling, a multitude of voices cheering you on as you got into your first fight with a boy you particularly didn’t like. you heard the gunshots next to your ear as the drunk shopkeeper tried to stop you from stealing one of his rings. you heard the coughing of your old man as pneumonia drained the life out of him. you heard the screams of terror, and the unbelievably loud hurricane wind as it destroyed everything in its wake, rubble falling around you with thuds. then, you heard the soft sobbing, and realized it was your own voice.

you snapped back to reality, the image before you rendering you frozen. the man’s face was now reduced to a pulp, and his gurgling seemed to finally cease. you slowly got up from your position, the stench of blood making you want to puke all over yourself as you took a step back on your wobbly legs. what have you done?! you killed a man — no, you didn’t kill him, surely not! you practically fell back on your knees, searching for his pulse, neck, wrist, temples, wherever — nothing. there was nothing. you grasped your face in horror, before realizing your hands were all bloody.

you heaved, thinking — i’ve finally gone mad. yes, now you could say it with your whole chest — you were insane. a lunatic. you killed him, and for what? because he said something mean? because you were sad, and angry?

the promise you made to yourself earlier — to prevail your own death, and stay in Okhema, by Mydei’s side — it all seemed so distant now. there is no changing of fate. it’s just a stupid thing to believe in, to make the fear of impending doom a little more bearable. you have to flee. you have to run away from this damned city, but first you needed to see him, you had to, else you’d crawl back here at the most unexpected moment, and become a prisoner for the rest of your life.

you pulled yourself up, sprinting towards the oh-so familiar house. when you got there, you were completely out of breath, banging on the door as tears streamed down your face, washing away the dried blood. he wasn’t opening. you bent down to pull the pocket knife out of your shoe, extending the blade with your trembling hands, and you attempted to shove it into the lock, because you had to break in somehow, and you cherished Mydei too much to shatter one of his windows. you struggled to see what you were doing, tears and the darkness of the night obscuring your vision. your shaky palm accidentally slipped to the side, and you felt the knife rip through the skin on your thumb. you gritted your teeth, fighting back the howl of pain as you finally managed to force the blade into the lock, twisting it open.

you stumbled inside, shutting the door, and you instantly walked into the bathroom, turning on one of the lights. you let the water run in the sink as you looked at your reflection in the mirror, absolutely horrified to see your face. it was smeared with blood, your hair disheveled, and your eyes red from crying. you quickly began scrubbing yourself, tears still falling down as you frantically tried to clean everything away. the traces of your crime gradually dissolved along with water, pinkish stains swirling down in the drain. you finally ceased your efforts, giving up on your nails when the blood didn’t want to disappear.

you dried yourself with a towel, and you turned off the light, practically running to Mydei’s bedroom. you stopped before the door, trying to open them carefully, as you didn’t want to scare him, in case he was still asleep — and he probably was, looking at the way he didn’t come down to check out the commotion you made a few minutes earlier. you stepped inside, watching his resting form, his breaths so quiet it managed to calm you down, if only so slightly.

you leaned over the man, gently trying to lie down next to him. he didn’t have to wake up — maybe it would be better if he didn’t. you settled yourself, observing his face, and you thought it looked more innocent than ever. he’ll be better off without you in his life. someone of such golden heart shouldn’t associate themselves with a criminalist, let alone a murderer — neither should your other friends, but you doubted you’d be able to say goodbye to them too.

your breath trembled a bit too loudly, and Mydei opened his eyes, at first slowly, still dazed by his sleepy state — then, when he recognized you, his eyelids shoot wide, and he gasped in sudden surprise, instinctively jumping back. "[name]? what—"

"i’m sorry if i scared you, Mydei." you tried to smile at him, pretending to be happy as always, but the crack in your voice seemed to betray you. you sniffled, quickly reaching to wipe your eyes.

"[name], in the gods’ name, how—" he forced out, his mind still only half-awake, "how? how did you manage to get inside, and what’re you doing in my bed?" he questioned, lifting himself up on his elbows. "and why are you crying?"

you shook your head, reaching for his golden hair, and lacing your fingers through them. "i’m sorry. i just— i got lonely, you see, and…" you paused, taking a big breath, "i broke in. i swear i didn’t do anything, your lock is still intact, so don’t worry."

"that’s not what i’m worried about!" he retaliated, but your touch seemed to soothe his nerves, coaxing him into lying back down. "you break into my house, you’re crying, it’s the middle of the night — do you see what’s the issue here?”

"i’m sorry." you apologized once again, retracting your hand, afraid he was angry at you. he should be.

he finally sighted with resignation, pulling you closer, and gently wiping the tears away from your downcast eyes. he didn’t know what was going on with you — but from the look of things, i’d be better not to ask now. you held back a sob, wishing you could reverse the time, or everything that happened was just an extremely realistic, intricate nightmare, and soon you’d wake up — but this was your current reality, still.

"what happened to your hand?" he asked, his vision locking on your thumb, constantly bleeding onto the sheets. you shrugged, not wanting to explain how erratically you jabbed your pocket knife at his lock, accidentally stabbing yourself in the process of your struggles. "i’ll go fetch the bandages, you should wait—"

you grabbed his wrist, holding him in place. "no, Mydei. please, stay with me now. we’ll take care of it in the morning, alright?" you almost begged, thinking that if he went away now, he’d never go back. it was your last few moments together — before dawn, you’ll have to flee — and so, you couldn’t imagine being separated from him for even a second.

the man nodded unsurely, his lips pulled into a thin line as he was trying not to frown. there was something wrong, so obviously wrong, yet you refused to elaborate, so he kept silent. Mydei’s hand petted your head, and you kept on wiping your tears, alarm ringing loudly somewhere in the back of your mind, urging you to either hold onto him with your dear life, or bolt through the door and never look back.

after a longer while, he finally spoke. “can you tell me why are you crying, [name]?"

you shuddered, your breath hitching. you could never tell him. "i just got sad all of the sudden," you feigned a giggle, though it didn’t sound like one, "i don’t know what’s wrong with me, i’m sorry."

Mydei seemed to contemplate your words, as if he didn’t believe you at all, but he ultimately didn’t point your lie out. "alright. i just hope you didn’t do anything foolish." he murmured, his palm moving onto your back, resting between the shoulder blades.

you swallowed thickly, feeling the dread gnaw at every fiber of your being. "and… and what if i did? what if i did something so utterly wrong and awful— would you still love me, then?"

he smiled at you, and it reminded you of an unbearably hot and endless summer. his eyes crinkled in the corners, and he pushed you into himself, placing a chaste kiss on your temple. "i’m not sure if you’re aware," he began, a little hesitant, "but you’ve been doing wrong things ever since we met. well — i’m not saying you’re a bad person, but scamming people for four years straight is not the most righteous thing to do."

you huffed, your nerves eased by the amused lilt of his voice. "and?"

"and i’ve never deemed it as a reason to stop loving you. you’re much more than that, [name]."

but mere fraud could never compare to your biggest sin. you sighed, knowing he’ll hate you endlessly.

"that’s… good. thank you." you said, even though the words were barely consoling. "what do you want to do tomorrow?"

"tomorrow?" he mused, his fingers running up and down your spine, "we’ll have to move some of your things over to my house. did you pack already?"

"no, not yet." you replied truthfully.

"that’s fine, i’ll help you. what else shall we do?"

"i want to go buy ingredients, and then we’ll bake a strawberry cake." you decided, lies easily slipping off your tongue, as you imagined the conversation was completely honest, and nothing bad ever happened. in the morning, you’ll go shopping, holding onto the man’s palm, and you will make the best cake of your lives. after you’re done eating, Mydei will help you move your stuff, effortlessly tugging the two heavy suitcases behind, filled with all your trinkets and clothes that you sold so long ago.

"sounds good to me. i’ve been craving strawberries for some time."

"and after that, i want to lie down on the couch and do nothing."

that evoked a quiet chuckle out of him, and you felt the sound reverberate through his chest. "if that’s what you want, then so be it."

you smiled to yourself, your eyelids fluttering shut. yes, it was good to pretend for now. tomorrow, when Mydei wakes up, he will find out about everything, but you’ll be already gone — he won’t lament, nor grieve your loss. he’ll only think to himself that it’s a good thing you left, and eventually, he’ll forget.

but did you want him to?

you felt something terrible squeeze at your throat, and you had to steel your resolve, else you’d start to cry again. you didn’t want him to forget about you nor all the things you both did, ever. you didn’t want to die. you still had so much to see, and to experience, and taste — your relationship with him only began, and it was going so well — why did you have to ruin it? why do you always have to wreak devastation? why did you have to take that route, instead of just staying home? why did your fists met with that man’s face?

you could ask yourself — why do bad things happen to good people? why did Mydei have to meet you? why did he have to fall for someone of your nature? why are you allowing his hands to caress you, as if you were the most precious thing in the world? won’t his fingers become stained with blood, too?

why did your Pa have to die, while you survived?

your breath shuddered, and then you thought that your premature death is a fair punishment for all your deeds. the gods aren’t cruel — they’re simply all-seeing. it’s better to eradicate the problem before it spreads its disease to others.

still, you were alive, and you wanted to strive more. you didn’t want to throw your life away, and yet it happened. it seems that we, humans, truly hold no control over our existences. it’s inevitable.

your gaze flickered over to the clock, its face dimly illuminated by the moon outside. a little after two in the morning. you will have to get up in one hour. if Mydei wakes up, stirred conscious by your movements, what will you say to him? that you’re going to the bathroom — most likely — not to worry, you’ll be back soon.

you sighed morosely, starting to count down the very seconds. one, two, three, four, five. you’ll love him always. time was nothing.

when the clock struck three, a hollow weight settled in your chest, sinking deep into your stomach. you forced yourself upright, your fingers clutching the sheets with desperation, as if holding onto anything could make you stay. you thought you had already cried all of your tears, none falling from your eyes as hollow emptiness filled you.

you leaned over Mydei, letting your gaze trace the contours of his face, memorizing every delicate feature, etching his peaceful expression into the depths of your mind, so that you wouldn’t forget. how long did you linger there? a minute? an eternity? you wouldn’t know. if you could, you’d remain by his side forever, frozen in a picture, unmoving.

at last, you pressed a gentle kiss to his brow, a final act of goodbye. he would go on — the crown prince of Kremnos, destined for great future. you only wished fate had been more merciful, allowing you to be there for him, through every hardship, and every triumph. but time wasn’t working in your favor as it urged you to get up, treading over the floor with utmost care, afraid that if you made any kind of sound, he’d wake up. you looked around his house — the kitchen, living room, halls. you’ll never return here.

all before you would soon turn into a memory, engraved somewhere deep. you’ll leave, and then most likely slip back into crime — mugging, thieving, street fights, the loud gunshots, and the taste of blood residing on your teeth, dripping quickly from your busted lips and gums. you’ll have to soak in the rain, your coat barely obscuring you from the wet weather as your feral eyes of a hunted animal trailed over some unsuspecting people, wondering what their wallets have to offer. you’ll sit by the gutter, counting how much money you have left, praying it’ll last you until the next day. your calves will burn constantly, and you won’t taste pancakes, or eclairs ever again.

but gods, wasn’t that still more merciful than the guards shoving you to the ground, binding your wrists in cuffs, pushing you into the cell, and shutting the grates before you’d manage to get back on your feet? surely, because you’d rather have to suffer, and remain free, instead of looking up at the blue sky from behind the bars. maybe one day, you’ll grow wings and return to Okhema, observing the small silhouettes of people traversing the streets. you’ll see Mydei, and Phainon, and all of your other friends — talking about something trivial, their mouths smiling as they kept on laughing, and their voices wouldn’t reach you. you’ll cease to exist to them.

it was then, as you stepped towards the door, that you thought of writing a letter. you doubted it will be of any use, but perhaps it’ll give others some closure about your whereabouts, assuring them you won’t be returning. you quickly glanced out of the window, checking if anyone was there — nothing. you were safe, for now, so you quietly rummaged through Mydei’s belongings, searching for a piece of paper along with a pen. finally, you leaned over the table, squinting your eyes as you tried to start.

you rarely had anything meaningful on your tongue, and now that your life seemed to lose its point, it was especially tough to come up with anything. you glanced at your hand, holding the pen — the exact same size, wound across the thumb present. you huffed out a humorless laugh, coming to a conclusion that fate was really inescapable. oh, how could you ever think it was in the first place? humans are phenomenally, genuinely stupid creatures. nothing will change that — they are gullible, and cruel, and loving, and they think they can be the blacksmiths of their own destiny, bending the gods’ will to their liking, just like they do with scalding iron. perhaps that’s why they are so fascinating.

you threw the paper on the countertop’s surface as you finished writing, and walked out the door, shutting it loudly behind you.

my dear Mydeimos,

i regret that our parting must happen this way, and even more so that i must say goodbye to you through a letter. i suspect you’ll struggle to make sense of my handwriting, because the clock now indicates half past three, and i cannot see well, as it’s still dark outside. soon, i will leave home, and Okhema — for good.

my house is no longer mine nor should anyone expect my return. i sold my belongings long ago, so you needn’t worry about that.

by the time you read this, you may already know of my crime. if not, you will soon, and for that, too, i am sorry. i will not offer excuses, as there are none to be made, and that is also the reason why i decided to flee. a brief thought urged me to stay — my father always said running is for cowards. and i am a coward — yes, i am. but i would rather perish in some ditch than waste away in a cell for the rest of my days. you know me well enough to understand that, i believe.

still, despite the fact that those few past months were filled with hardships, i cannot say my life here was without joy. for that, i am grateful. it was an honor to live in this place, to know you, to witness the soul of the holy city with my own eyes. i would have stayed forever, if not for what happened.

but what have i left behind, if not disorder and chaos? i constantly deceived others for a living, selling false visions to those desperate enough to believe in them. ironically, i do, truly, possess clairvoyance. the only thing revealed to me, which stuck to my conscience throughout all the years of my life, was my own death. i’ve never told anyone about this. most likely, you’ll be the first and last to know. and so, if it puts your mind at ease, know this — i do not have long.

what a shame, that it had to end like this. if i could turn back time, i would. i would fix my mistakes, undo all the harm i have brought. alas, it simply doesn’t work like that. i pray that maybe, just maybe, there’s a place for us in another life, where you’d meet me, and my body would no longer reek of horror.

i have been a burden to many, but to you most of all. i am endlessly sorry. even so, i will cherish these four years we spent together until my last breath, no matter what you may think of me. but you, Mydei, must not. do not seek me. do not think of me. and if you would grant me one final kindness — forget me.

[name].

#mydei x reader #my thoughts ⤑#okay i know this is super long but. haha #got carried away #this was somewhat inspired by the song #i love you i’m sorry by gracie abrams #anyways #honkai star rail #honkai star rail mydei #hsr mydei #hsr x reader #mydei #mydei x y/n #mydei x you #mydeimos #hsr

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