#cas hearing Dean’s thoughts would just be sad LMAO

[jibberjibbsart]

I love that I haven’t even finished Power Hour (the next part is coming! TLDR I adopted a cat and she’s taking up a lot of my time! She’s a cutie) but I already have an idea for a shorter comic.

Mabel sees the tension between Dean and Cas and she wants to play matchmaker and so she finds a flower that can be brewed into a tea and it will “reveal that which is hidden”. She thinks this means Dean and Cas will come clean about their feelings. She brews the tea and gives it to both of them, except Cas doesn’t drink it. “Too many molecules, but I appreciate the gesture.” Mabel isn’t sure what this means for the spell, but she hopes it works!

The next day Dean wakes up and pats Sam on the arm… and in his head he hears Sam’s voice “Jesus he stinks, hope he’s headed for the shower.” Dean is confused but he calls Sam a bitch and thinks nothing of it. Sam is also confused. Later Dean runs into Steven fixing up his car. Dean is happy to help and as he brushes against Steven’s shoulder he hears Steven’s voice this time “I’m so embarrassed, my dad lived in his van for how many years and I don’t know anything about cars. I can’t let Dean know that.” Dean flinches. Okay now it’s weird. He goes to Luz and Amity. He asks them if they can detect spells/curses/hexes. Neither of them are proficient in oracle magic but they can try. Amity grabs Dean’s hand and he hears “Maybe if he didn’t fight so many witches in the past he wouldn’t need to be worried about getting cursed.” She tells him she can’t detect anything.

Finally he’s back at his hotel and Cas is there reading a book. Cas asks him if everything is okay and Dean doesn’t reveal anything, just flops down onto the bed and sighs dramatically. Then Dean feels Cas’s reassuring hand on his back. Then he hears his voice “I hate seeing Dean like this, I wish there were a way to lift his spirits. He has a beautiful smile.” Dean’s eyes snap open and he looks at Cas wide eyed. Cas does his little head tilt and asks if everything’s okay. Dean just nods.

Yes this is based off of Cherry Magic, I just watched it and became obsessed with it

[wigglebox]

Hi! I always wanted to ask, even if its a silly thing, but I never saw an artist with your style and I think its really cute that your dean and cas have such bitable noses (they just look so fluffy). Where did it came the idea to make them like that?

hi!!!

lmao omg biteable noses i haven't heard that one awlefjawlkejaw i love it so much. why boop when you can boop with your teefs!

so i waited to answer this until i was back on my computer to basically say: idk!

but the longer answer is i was always interested in making the nose the focal point of the face. all my art style journeys always made sure i would put the nose for you to see it and always make it red lol.

i haven't drawn in a few years, about 3 years, until last fall and i wasn't happy with my style anymore. it felt too morose when i was just wanting to feel happy because the world around me is just meh and blegh every day, my job is stressful, and i wanted something to just keep me happy.

this was my art 3 years ago

and i liked this style -- but it was also limiting for me bc it just always made me feel less vibrant and just more quiet and a little sad

but over the last 7 years these were styles i would do for a drawing or two every so often while i was still trying to figure my style out until i arrived at ^ 

I think this one is the closest one i can get to now 

but there were other attempts:

i thought it was a limiting style though because they don’t have a fully drawn eye and the noses kind of reminded me of a newspaper comic strip i used to see growing up falled Funky Winkerbean. I don’t know why -- their noses definetly aren’t like this -- but whatever pfft. 

But I still found the lack of eyes limiting, and that these were too cutesy, but also i couldn’t figure out how to make it constantly work so i just abandoned it and went back to my normal stuff. 

like i said, i hadn’t drawn for a few years but last october, i was feeling frustrated not being able to find the proper motivation to do winchester-relod’s Suptober challenge so i doodled this dude [by now i didn’t have my tablet and so any time i sporadically drew since 2018 i just drew on my phone]

and then idk people thought he looked cute?

and then i drew this a few days later:

with these tags: idk I am feeling squishy and gooesy this Saturday and want a hug, Jennifer why are you drawing big noses, because I have no idea bht it’s fun

lol

and i guess it just kept going from there? people thought it looked cute, and i thought it was warm and happy and it made me happy to draw it. 

obviously looking at the art even from 9 months ago the style has changed as i figured out what i wanted to do with it [and invested in a little ipad to draw on instead of drawing with my finger on my phone lol]:

So Idk really! 

I think I am sticking with this for now [sometines doing a slightly ‘normalized nose’ from time to time] because 1) y’all encourage me with your very kind words 2) it makes ME feel good to draw them like this -- like idk i never am like UGH with a drawing 3) it’s just fun! 

really it’s one of those things where for the longest time i’ve been trying to take inspiration from so many styles around me because I just didn’t know how to define myself as an artist, and then i just wasn’t drawing as much anymore once i DID settle on style from a few years ago -- to now just wanting to smile any time i’m creating something so if it makes me smile, my goal is to make others smile lol. 

a driving factor for finding my style before was like ‘how do i make this edgy and emo if i wanted to?’ because at the time i was still experiences lows. 

and now, i still experience lows [spoons, mental health, yadda yadda] but instead of drawing the sadness out, i wanted to draw something that’d bring the smile back at least in my mind lol. 

and nothing makes me happier than smacking my hand into my ipad trying to honk their noses and then hearing messages from others [like yourself] who find the noses cute as well! 

[tearsfordean]

IDK if it was just me, but when I watched the Supernatural finale, I was beyond devastated that Dean died. I just felt like he deserved to live a normal life, growing old, maybe even retiring from hunting or being a mentor for a next generation of hunters. I don’t care if it was with Sam, or Cas, or alone. I just wanted him alive. To watch him learn to love himself, and to love to live his life however he wanted, like when he cooked, when he slept, and when he watched horror movies while eating fast food. And for weeks, months, a whole year, and even now, I feel so stupid for the grief the ending caused me to feel, because “Dean isn’t real, so [I] shouldn’t be sad about it”. But to me, since I was seven I watched that man sacrifice everything for those he loved because he felt he didn’t deserve to live, because he thought someone else deserved to live more than him. And then, he grew, he somewhat started to want things even though there were all these terrible things happening. Most of what I am, is because of him, and I love him so much. And then, WandaVision came out and I was just: “Wanda, I feel your devastation, that’s exactly what it feels like everyday when I think about what Dean should have gotten.” And then in Multiverse of Madness *SPOILERS* when Stephen said to Wanda: “all this for kids that aren’t even real,” I was like “YES! I so would do the same thing just for Dean to be happy and alive.” Anyway, Wanda really helped me to deal with that and made me feel heard. I know she did some crazy stuff and all that, but I truly empathised with her, idk lmao. I’m still not happy about the ending, and I miss Dean more than words can say, and I feel a bit delusional, really, for allowing a fictional event to get to me this way, but it does, and I don’t think I should feel ashamed of it. I’m just grateful that Marvel showed us how Wanda was feeling, I never thought I needed it, and I’ve just been bottling it all up inside me, and the pain truly does feel the way it it is portrayed when Wanda goes to that house where her and Vision were supposed to “grow old” together. It feels like this massive darkness inside me, the grief feels so consuming and drowning but it’s also “love persevering”. Like, on one hand it feels like the death of a star bursting inside me and it destroys everything around it, but it also feels like love: like the Big Bang that created the universe. I love that Vision said “what is grief, if not love persevering” because it changed the way I felt and the way I was dealing. With every burst of pain it really does feel like “hope, and… sadness… but mostly… love.” I also felt so much comfort when SPN fans started opening up that, they also felt grief because of the way Dean’s life ended, and that their therapists said it was normal and okay to feel that way. Seeing everyone’s hopes for what Dean should have gotten is something I appreciate so much, and if anyone is also ashamed for their grief, don’t be. I understand and I would just like to hear and see how everyone truly feels: angry, upset, etc. [y’all, I still feel embarrassed writing this like Dean is some real life person I lost 😭] anyway, I love y’all. — eris 🫧

TLDR: This is a rant about the ending of SPN, dealing with Dean’s death, and also an appreciation for Wanda (and Marvel) for portraying grief in a way that I related to. Feel free to say something as long as it’s not disrespectful, pls. 🤍

[miraclerizuin]

tl;dr i have an unhealthy relationship with a tv show

hello, void!  I stumbled out of a weird anxiety-depression fog at the end of last week and I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell was up and I am dismayed to report that it seems to have something to do with supernatural

a 1000-word contemplation of Why Am I Like This.  with pet pictures (I am bribing you to read about my feelings)

when I tell people that I quit watching spn in 2011 bc it wasn’t bringing me joy anymore I feel like there’s some pieces of that process that get glossed over.

here is what it felt like: I’ve got this friend I’ve been watching season 6 with, we laughed and screamed over frontierland and the french mistake, and am I letting her down if I drop the show now?  I wanna know if sam is gonna be ok and will dean and cas ever reconcile, so will I regret it if I stop following the story?  I’ve already abandoned covert affairs and heroes and ncis and fringe, what is wrong with me that I can’t seem to stick it out with tv shows?

(and there’s a part of me like “it’s just a show, nobody cares, it’s just a show”)

when I was eighteen and lonely and hadn’t made any friends yet in college I rebuilt my entire personality around supernatural (castiel) and invested myself so deeply that my mental health became closely linked to how things were going with supernatural (castiel) and I did all of that in the space of six months and then

I realized that I just wanted it to be a different show.  not all the time!  there is still the meaning of family and the nature of destiny and fighting to have a choice even when all the choices seem bad, and making friends and making jokes and carving a strange but special sort of life out of a difficult world.  but never letting anything new take root in the status quo of Sad Man Time, so often insisting on a cold and uncaring view of the universe, so much white cis heteronormativity at a time in my life when I was opening my eyes to all the things that were not that.  and I was talking about it to anyone who would listen and what I got back was “why do you watch it if it makes you so angry”

(it’s just a show!!!  just stop watching it if you’re not having fun!)

I didn’t like the toxicity I often saw from the fandom, but I also got to know some cool people.  (a couple cool people?  maybe just one person?  jeez.) and the absolute wealth of fanfic that inspired me to think about the story and characters in new ways and to write about them myself.  there is not another thing in this world that I have written more words about, for better or for worse.  there are kind people and cool people and thoughtful people using this weird-ass show to make beautiful art.  after I quit watching, I slowly drifted away from all of it.  the fun stuff and the bullshit.

(why would anyone even have noticed that you left?  you were just lurking the whole time ffs)

so now it’s several years later, several years of me inwardly flinching anytime anyone mentioned spn in my hearing, and I decided to watch the final season.  I had this ridiculous notion that it would give me closure, and maybe if they hadn’t even aired that goddamn finale I could have had peace when I was done idk. but after all this time I was still in love with the “secret good supernatural that lives in my head” and I started trying to put it down on paper and that is how I wound up picking up the show again, roughly from where I left off.

I had learned that I didn’t have to watch every episode, no matter what my perfectionism says.  but even trying to limit myself to episodes that I hoped would “spark joy,” it quickly turned into a chore.  I wanted to know what happened, I wanted to see the parts I wanted to see without slogging through the things that bored me, the endless string of deaths of supporting characters, especially women, the frequent absence of my favorite character even after he started being credited as a series regular.

(lmao if you’re just watching for destiel you’re setting yourself up for disappointment)

and I talk about it to anyone who will listen.  my family is definitely tired of it by now (again) and I gotta give a shout-out to my friend who has never seen a single episode of spn and yet has read all my fics and listens to my rants.  a hero, an icon, an inspiration, etc, they are probably reading this and they know who they are.  it would be cool to have other fans to talk to more, but I always struggle to reach out…

I’m still loving writing about it.  and there are still parts I want to watch, but I think I’m gonna have to dial it way back.  I was treating it as research for my fics and that turned it into work.  it shouldn’t be work.  I already have a full-time job which I am being paid actual money for, and making myself miserable, like, actually miserable, in pursuit of a hobby is not part of it.

(just dump him already???)

supernatural is not, in fact, actively trying to ruin my life. it is a show that ended over a year ago that has other fans who like other things about it, probably.  my relationship to it is something I have the power to control, insofar as I have control over anything in my life.

I would be a profoundly different person if I hadn’t, as a supposedly-straight college freshman, seen a certain former tumblr user who is now a NYT bestselling author posting about these 2 sad dudes and their unintended love story and been like “hmm, that’s interesting, hope it doesn’t awaken anything in me!”

(it’s just a show it’s just a show it’s just a show)

got any spn episodes from seasons 10-14 that bring joy to your heart?  in a bad place with a show/book/movie and need to vent?   wanna hear more about my own personal secret good supernatural?  my askbox is always open & I am downtownfishies on twitter and ao3 and my current project tag here on tumblr is #keep your heart young

[sortasirius]

Reception

AN: thanks Chad you inspired me my brother. It’s a fix it, shocker lmao

The ceremony itself is quiet, peaceful, intimate, with only the most important people in attendance. Standing in front of a clear blue lake near the Roadhouse, Dean and Cas get married in the most perfectly unconventional venue, Heaven itself.

They wear suits at Ellen’s insistence, their ties matching each other’s eyes, and Jo and Charlie try to make Dean wear a flower crown; they get delayed by twenty minutes while they try and clip it into his hair.

Dean can’t help but lose his breath when he sees Cas already waiting for him at the start of the aisle, grinning from ear to ear and holding out his hand for Dean to take. He looks so...perfect, so exactly what Dean’s always wanted, and he’s his.

Bobby is the one that marries them, with the friends and family that they had lost surrounding them, people that Dean had always thought were far too good for him, but he might be coming around to the idea that he might deserve them, at least a little bit. He tries to hide the way he gets choked up when he reads his vows to Cas, and doesn’t even pretend to stop crying when Cas reads his to Dean.

Words would never be enough to describe how he felt when he looked at Cas, or the way he felt when Cas looked at him, but there was something about this moment, a moment surrounded by the people they loved, that made the words mean more than they would on any other day.

Pamela produces two handmade rings to exchange, and the rough metal feels at home on his skin, the same as Cas’ own, in a way.

The sun shines on their faces as they kiss, and Dean feels, for the first time, like this could really be what Heaven is supposed to be.

The reception is, predictably, loud and raucous, with karaoke and pool and too much alcohol (not that any of them get hangovers, but they can still get plastered). Ash stands on top of the pool table and recites the Gettysburg Address word for word while he balances a bottle of beer on his head. Ellen teaches Benny to mix drinks behind the bar, and Jo and Charlie destroy Kevin and Jack at a game of poker. Bobby and Pamela are reminiscing about some hunt or another with Rufus...it’s all so serene, in spite of the chaos, just exactly what Dean had always dreamed of.

He does ache, a little, for Sam, even knowing that he and Eileen are living their lives on earth, making a difference that only Sam could, he still misses him. But hey, that’s what how renewals are for right? He knew Ash would never miss a chance to have a party anyway.

Dean and Cas end up slow dancing to Led Zeppelin in the corner, away from the loud laughing and chattering of their family. Dean can’t quite believe this is all real, this is all happening, and this is all his. He huffs a happy sigh, letting his forehead rest in the crook of Cas’s shoulder, feeling the heat of his skin though the starched fabric of his dress shirt.

“What are you thinking about?” Cas whispers, tracing the back of Dean’s neck with a long finger.

Dean struggles, for a minute, to find the words. How does he express this? All these things that are bubbling inside him, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad?

“I never thought I’d get this,” he whispers back, lifting his head to meet Cas’ eyes, “And to have it this way, with everyone, I just-”

He falters a little, but Cas doesn’t rush him, he never did.

“I still feel like I can’t take it, like it’s something that I want but can’t actually have. I look at all this, at you, and it’s what I’ve wanted for years, but I keep feeling like I’m going to wake up in Hell with Alastair standing over me or something.”

He shudders reflexively at the memory. He suddenly can’t meet Cas’ eyes.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t be bringing the happiest day of our lives down.”

Cas lifts his chin, making their eyes meet.

“I’m with you through everything. Anything and everything, you know that right?”

Dean’s mouth twists in a smile as warmth blooms through his chest. He pulls Cas towards him, kissing him gently in the dark corner of the Roadhouse, letting his hands curl in Cas’ dark hair. They’re both a little breathless when they pull apart, and Cas’ bright eyes mirror his own.

“Right back at ya,” Dean smiles, glancing over at Benny and Charlie shotgunning beers with Ash, “You wanna go join them?”

“Yes,” Cas leans in to kiss him again, “But only if we get to do more of this later.”

Dean winds his arms around Cas’ waist, breathing into him, letting the impossibility that he and Cas were linked by bands of metal around their fingers forever, not needing to worry about death or Hell or Purgatory or the Empty.

“Oh hell yeah, more of this later please.”

Cas laughs as Dean presses his lips to the exposed skin on his neck, and Dean falls very much in love with the sound.

Dean and Cas sit at the bar for the rest of the night, listening to stories they had heard a hundred times and would hear a million more, surrounded by family, and holding hands under the shiny bar, their rings clinking together every so often, reminding them both of the weight of this day, the importance of the other, the beauty of the future.

[airenyah]

what are the gayest destiel episodes you can think of?

ohhhhh i gotchu hold on (this is basically gonna end up being a list of my fave destiel episodes lmaooo)

ok so just a heads-up, i don’t really remember much from s10 onwards (a lot of those episodes i haven’t actually watched since they aired whoops) and i’m currently stuck at the beginning of s9 on my complete rewatch soooo this list focuses only on the first half of the show. i might do an update if i ever manage to finish my rewatch (and remember to post an update at all when the time comes)

ok here we go:

4x16 - On the Head of a Pin

dean calls cas “cas” to his face for the very first time

dean is all “you can't ask me to do this, cas. not this.” (about torturing alastair) and uriel is all “who said anything about asking”, but cas is all: “this is too much to ask, i know. but we have to ask it” and that is the moment that dean realizes that cas cares about him and his feelings/well-being and that’s when he demands to speak to cas alone 

and it’s only after cas tells dean he really doesn’t want dean being forced to do the torturing that Dean gives in (”i would give anything not to have you do this”)

like, it’s so obvious already how much cas cares about dean already and we’re only in s4

 cas is even starting to go down the path of disobedience (with a little help from anna admittedly, but still. he’s starting to consider it)

they’re so?? comfortable?? with each other. when cas visits dean at the hospital in the end

4x22 - Lucifer Rising

dean literally makes an angel fall in this ep, i mean come on... (the way cas shows up behind him all “you asked to see me” after dean smashes the angel statue cracks me up every single time gsdlka)

dean desperately trying to get cas to help him (bc he knows that IF there’s an angel that would help him it’s cas)

cas is too afraid though and dean gets pissed and literally breaks up with him (D: "you spineless, soulless son of a bitch. what do you care about dying? you're already dead. we're done." C: "dean-" D: "we're done!")

this is the episode in which cas makes his decision and chooses dean over heaven

5x03 - Free to Be You and Me

in the previous episode sam and dean had a fight and split up. this episode starts out with dean being pissed and annoyed and just in a bad mood in general

when cas shows up and asks for help dean is very grumpy and doesn’t want to help at first but then reluctantly agrees

throughout the episode, the more time dean spends with cas the better his mood gets (honestly this point is worthy of its own separate post, i have enough screenshots lmao)

like he’s even smiling at the end of the ep when he’s talking to cas in the car!! (except then he looks over and realizes cas has left mid-conversation again and that smile is wiped right off his face and i’m sad :( )

when they’re in that brothel dean mostly has eyes for cas, even when chastity the hooker is standing right next to him

after the brothel incident when dean is cracking up and goes “it's been a long time since I've laughed that hard. it's been more than a long time. years.” like... buddy. your crush is showing.

and the way cas smiles lovingly at dean laughing next to him

dean be like: “personal space”     also dean: *reaches into cas’s coat without hesitation* *fixes cas’s shirt and tie without hesitation*

also the funniest thing about the whole “personal space” moment in the motel is that there was more than enough space for dean to step aside and increase the distance between him and cas if he had really been all that uncomfortable but he just. doesn’t. no he just stays right where he is 

when raphael is trapped in the holy oil and threatens cas all “castiel, I'm warning you. do not leave me here. i will find you.” and cas goes “maybe one day. but today, you're my little bitch.” and walks away and dean tells raphael “what he said” like the impressed and proud boyfriend that he is

inside jokes (see here)

some more iconic quotes/moments from this episode:

“cas, we’ve talked about this. personal space”

“so, what, i'm thelma and you're louise and we're just going to hold hands and sail off this cliff together?”

“well. last night on earth. what are your plans?” “i just thought i'd sit here quietly.”

“let me tell you something. there are two things i know for certain. one, bert and ernie are gay. two, you are not gonna die a virgin. not on my watch.”

5x14 - My Bloody Valentine

hunter husbands!!

the way that dean is not in the mood for hook-ups on valentine’s day and then goes to stare at cas like That

that iconic phone call at the hospital where cas just appears in front of dean who nearly runs into him

cas be looking at sam while listing all the things people can be starving for, and then looks at dean before saying “love” 

ok i know this doesn’t have that many points but really this entire ep is great, i very much enjoy all the interactions between cas and dean in this ep

like when dean is not hungry and cas is all “you're not gonna finish that?” and grabs the plate without waiting for an answer bc they’re this married in s5 already

6x20 - The Man Who Would Be King

i mean... this one is obvious isn’t it

this ep is literally all about how cas is doing everything for the winchesters aka dean

the way sam and bobby cautiously voice their suspicions of cas to dean has the same energy as carefully breaking it to a family member that you think their partner is cheating on them 

and when they trap cas in the holy oil and confront him dean also acts like a betrayed wife(gn)

which is such a stark contrast to how sam and bobby react to the betrayal (they’re mostly just like “eh this sucks” while dean is emotionally affected)

and even in the following episodes dean is way more affected by cas’s betrayal than sam and bobby are and dean is the one who argues the most with cas (honestly, this entire arc is literally that post that’s all “how do i know dean is in love with cas? bc sam isn’t”)

ok but the holy oil scene is truly like a soap opera (i mean... “where were you when i needed to hear it?” “i was there. where were you?” and dean looking back at cas one last time before running away)

this is their first big break-up and it takes them until the s7 finale to make up

special shoutout to cas watching dean rake leaves

this ep is a LOT

7x17 - The Born-Again Identity

dean’s FACE when he sEES CAS. and then DEAN’S FACE AGAIN when “emmanuel” is all “what’s your issue?”

dean’s face all throughout that first scene with “emmanuel” and daphne, I’M

“you know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. you know, whatever it was. It might take me some time, but... i always could. what cas did... i just can't – i don't know why” BECAUSE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM, IDIOT

the way dean interrupts all irritated when meg goes “i think we're gonna be good friends too” at “emmanuel” (jealous bf much gsdlksafd)

the way dean kept the trenchcoat just in case so he can give it back to cas should he return (which ofc he did)!!!!

7x21 - Reading is Fundamental

yet another one of those “how do I know dean is in love with cas? bc sam isn’t”

at the beginning of the ep at some point sam’s phone rings and when he says that meg (who is watching over cas at the mental hospital) is calling, dean is quick to stand up and even tho meg called sam, dean is the one who ends up having the phone call with her lmao

also dean has no chill during that phone call lmao (he’s irritated when he finds out meg didn’t call them right then and there as soon as cas woke up and he’s immediately concerned when meg says cas is different, while sam’s just standing there holding his phone out to dean, being all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ lmao)

dean: *pissed af at cas*    also dean: *almost breaks his own neck at the speed with which he whips his head around at the mention of cas’s name and is desperate to know his location when cas calls meg after dean blasted him away with some other angels at the hospital*

ok no but then meg tells cas their location and cas zaps into the car and it’s hilarious how quick dean is to interrupt whenever cas turns his attention to meg in that scene

8x07 - A Little Slice of Kevin

dean seeing cas everywhere

when you see your best dudebro outside the window in the middle of a storm but when you get up he’s gone and you feel like crap because you could’ve made it out of the war zone together and you just cannot fathom why he didn’t try harder and you just don’t understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling (and judging by dean’s reaction to sam’s suggestion, clearly it’s not survivor’s guilt)

dean’s FACE when cas suddenly appears behind him in the bathroom

jacting joices: the infamous boner scene (yet another example of “how do I know dean is in love with cas? bc sam isn’t”)

jacting joices pt 2: sam and dean are talking case and then cas walks over to join the conversation and there is literally no reason for dean to check cas out (see here)

during the rescue mission when cas zaps into the room and has a stand-off with crowley and then when dean finally manages to break into the room, can i just say... the way dean immediately rushes to cas (who’s ended up on the floor) and grabs him by the shoulder before he bothers to look around the room

D: “that was a bonehead move back there. you could have gotten yourself killed. why didn't you wait for me?” C: “well, i didn't get killed. and it worked” D: “and if it didn't?” C: “it would have been my problem.” D: “well, that's not the way i see it.”

the purgatory flashbacks when dean keeps insisting that cas is coming along with them back to earth and won’t hear otherwise

“i did everything I could to get you out – everything! i did not leave you.”  “so you think this was your fault?”

“look, I don't need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? for failing you like i've failed every other godforsaken thing that i care about! i don't need it!”

i know we hate buckleming but this episode, man. this episode

8x08 - Hunteri Heroici

i was gonna put this as a special shoutout but then it turned out that i had more to say about this ep than i initially thought

it’s the way dean and cas keep gravitating towards each other in the first half of the episode. no seriously, they somehow keep ending up beside each other and you start wondering “what’s personal space” (friendly reminder that this is the ep right after they’re finally back together again after purgatory)

the married energy and the bickering

the “talk to me” scene where cas finally opens up to dean (but then interrupting moose strikes)

at the retirement home dean to sam and cas: “no flirting you two” then CUT to: dean and cas sitting at a table with an elderly lady who is staring at cas with heart eyes and... lady: “you are so pretty, charles” dean: *must look at young nurse’s butt immediately to distract myself from gay thoughts*

i’m sorry but the way he smiles so widely at cas at one point when they’re talking to that lady, like, she’s just called cas a bounder and dean’s amused about that but his amusement is not in any way malicious and his face is just so full of love when he looks at Cas, it’s embarrassing really (see here)

9x06 - Heaven Can't Wait

ok so i haven’t watched this ep in like 5 years so my memories on this aren’t as fresh as with the previous eps but! it’s the way that cas and dean act exactly like exes (who are still in love with each other) in this ep

dean’s face as he’s staring at cas through the shop window

dean’s smile when he shows up inside the shop

the entire “i can’t let you do this cas” scene in the car

the infamous fanfiction gap

special shout out to:

5x18 - Point of No Return for all the bickering (“you know what? blow me, cas”) and especially  “well, cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that… i got laid.”

6x10 - Caged Heat for the pizza man and dean’s reaction to all the megstiel (like jealous bf much?)

6x19 - Mommy Dearest for the strong married energy dean and cas give off in this ep (honestly, all their bickering, it’s glorious) (friendly reminder that this is right before tmwwbk) 

7x23 - Survival of the Fittest for the “i’d rather have you cursed or not” scene

8x02 - What's Up, Tiger Mommy? for the purgatory flashbaks with that one monster calling cas dean’s angel and the reunion scene by the river with highlights such as “nice peach fuzz” and “i prayed to you cas, every night” and “i have a price on my head, and i've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to – to keep them away from you” and “cas, we're getting out of here. we're going home” and “cas, buddy, i need you” and “let me bottom-line it for you. i'm not leaving here without you. understand?”

8x17 - Goodybe Stranger for “i don't know, dean. if he's so sketchy, then why were you praying to him?” and the entire crypt scene (yes this is a big one and yes i’m still only putting it as a special shoutout and yes it’s bc of the megstiel content this ep ok bye <3)

[derekmorganscrocs]

My Thoughts While Watching 2x4 Nancy Drew! MILD SPOLIER ALERT!!

I got a little carried away, so this is kinda long, but funny. Just a heads up lol.

I love Ace’s shirt in the beginning scene he looks adorable.

Ace already wrote his obituary?! VINTAGE AUTOMOBILE ENTHUSIAST?! I LOVE HIM.

AW ACE BROUGHT MR D COFFEE? HES CHECKING IN ON HIM IM CRYING.

“Classified.” 😐

STOP WHY IS RYAN SO SALTY ABOUT ACE NOT BUYING HIM A COFFEE

OMG THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING. Ace as a mediator I love. Nancy’s a chicken now?

RYAN IS SO SALTY “you would say that, wouldn’t you.”

THE COFFEE AGAIN. ACE GIVING HIM HIS COFFEE STOP.

CA-RY-ACE THE NEW LOVE TRIANGLE.

Bess and Lisbeth are so sweet

I relate to george yeeting her sister into the business. Not the death part but still-

“Stop yelling at me” sir she is not yelling.

PERIODT NANCY GO OFF QUEEN. And they got applause.

Me waiting for the aglacea to just pardon their betrayal because nancy is standing for her: 👁👄👁

PLS NANCY X AGLACEA FRIENDSHIP

dude these commercials are so annoying-

OHH ACE I see you’re an ~art boy~ He’s subtweeting them irl- OH THEY KNOW

Ryan only caring about nancy??? Saltily???

Carson now you’re just being an ass.

OH KAY SUGAR DADDY RYANNNN

Nancy and Bess moment that’s so sweet.

SALT AND BURN SALT AND BURN- sorry the winchesters just possessed my body for a sec. they rly just saw her necklace AND DIDNT SALT AND BURN, COME ON

ok that was really funny lmao Nancy scaring Bess sent me.

FREAKY BASEMENT

AH NOT THE SLAMMING DOOR RUN BITCHES RUN

NANCYS FACE

Michael Bublés buble commercial always sends me

So Marvin is a murderer. ANOTHER GHOST?

Nancy’s fan club lmao

Nancy and Bess being the sleuth sisters I love

Awe George and Jessie :(

GHOST GOGGLES??? SMART NICK STOP I LOVE NICK. NICK NICK NICK SMILE AW HES SO SAD SHHSKALA I CANT HANDLE THIS

RYAN IS SO SALTY I LOVE HIM

Carson stop being so aggressive

RYAN COMING THRU WITH THE ROASTS

Why is she going alone. Never go in basements alone.

This green is serving me major buzzfeed unsolved.

Torture chamber basement??? Marvin is a murderer, guaranteed. The basement is freaky and not in the good way.

IS RYAN ABOUT TO CRY RIGHT NOW? NO HES SO SWEET “wh-What would I say to her?” I CANT. (I definitely forgot he was lowkey a predator when I was writing this) Fatherly Ryan. Why does this scene look like really dream-like? MUSICIAN RYAN? “I’m right? I just solved something before nancy Drew!” HE LOOKS SO PROUD OF HIMSELF. The way he knows something is off bc she’s being decent.

THE CHURCH IS TERRIFYING I DO NOT LIKE THE SONG ITS FREAKIN ME OUT

SALT AND BURN SALT AND BURN SALT AND BURN SALT AND BURN

I really want the aglacea to forgive them, I rly just-

Periodt Agnes is a badass bitch. I love her.

Sister thinks the kfc burger looks like a yellow brain.

WHY?? ARE PERFUME COMMERCIALS??? SO DRAMATIC???

Yo why does Cheerios have a lil uzi song?

THATS SUCH A PRETTY DINNER TABLE!! BESS PLS SHOW UP BESS PLS.

GEORGE DON’T CRY. Stop George finally breaking. Her face when nick said it- NICK IS SO SWEET. “YOU NEED TO KNOW YOURE LOVED” YES SIR I DO PLS TELL ME U LOVE ME. OK I ACC SHIP GEORGE AND NICK NOW. NO POOR NICK. AND HES NOT LOOKING TO HEAR IT BACK. they’re sweet. Aw the way her voice gets all soft “that’s not helping” and you can just hear her smile-

It’s like midnight, why is ted at school-

SISTER MOMENT I LOVE. WHY IS GEORGE LITERALLY RAISING HER SISTERS, DEAN WINCHESTER TYPE BEAT- OW NOT JESSIE RUINING THE MOMENT WITH AN OCTOPUS AND SEEING THRU GEORGES LIE.

DID ACE WRITE A LETTER TO HIS DAD??

BESS CHICKENED OUT? IM HEARTBROKEN SHES SO SWEET.

NO NOT ACE LEAVING HIS DAD A LETTER BITCH I WILL CRY. I AM AN HOE FOR ACE AND ALSO I THINK HE IS BABY AND I AM SO EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED IM NOT OK.

IF ACES DAD HAS TO GO THRU THE PAIN OF LOSING ACE I WILL SUE I LOVE ACE’s DAD.

WAIT- There’s aluminum in deodorant? (Commercial)

This is gonna go so badly. Something will go badly. SOMETHING IS WRONG. STOP ITS SO UGLY- ODETTE STOP SCREAMING SHES TRYNA HELP.

WTF

DID THEY JUST KILL A GHOST?

“Good thing this wasn’t a rental.”

Oh they only hurt her.

Some advice: don’t watch during the day bc the lighting is so dark and it’s really hard to see lmao

My sister’s thoughts:

“This is why you salt and burn things.”

“WHY WOULD SHE GO INN THE BASEMENT ALONE”

“I BET MARVIN IS A MUDERER”

“OH SHIT. She’s still crunchy.”

[sammypompeius]

As I said in this post I just watched the first 3 eps of season 15 and I wanna talk about them ^^ (under the cut)

I REALLY liked Belphegor so I drew them to accompany this. Also this just showed how good of an actor Alex is like HE HAS THE RANGE KSHAJAJW.

I felt so much for Cas in this eps 😭 he just lost Jack and has to deal with this demon walking around in his body. There's not as much focus on Sam and Dean's feelings regarding this, all I can remember is Dean getting uncomfortable with Belfagor flirting with him in his son's body (that's what that scene was right??) but then he did say they needed to get him out of Jack's body. I do think they felt the same as Cas (maybe not as fiercely) but since Belphegor was being helpful and they needed all the help they could get they just went with "it's not Jack, he's dead, it's just his body".

I knew Rowena was going to die and I know she's gonna be the queen of hell but I got so sad about her death anyway... recap reminded that sam would be the one to kill her so we know it's coming, and every time they focus on them both my heart clenched. And then her death scene came and I was sad and I thought it was beautiful and she as a character was being so amazing. Her friendship with Sam came to this moment that, even though Sam tried to deny it, they knew would happen and I really loved it (but I kinda wish the last shot of her death was her jumping and not her falling into hell bc those effects looked weird ngl).

And then the DESTIEL DIVORCE 😭 I kid you not when Dean said "why does that something always seem to be you? " my mom went " *LE GASPPPP* I CANT BELIEVE THE AUDACITY- ". So like yessss I already knew this was going to happen but with the knowledge of exactly what was happening I:

 1: am really frustrated with dean because the amazing gay angel doesn't deserve to hear that

 2: am glad Cas left (he wasn't being treated right) I feel they weren't resolving anything being so physically close, like they are always close because they want to make sure the other is okay/they simply feel drawn to each other, and they need some time away to cool off and think about it (especially Dean)

3: understand Dean and relate to him (what's probably a reason I'm frustrated with him, I normaly have a love/hate relationship with characters I relate to bc "YOU UNDERSTAND ME AND HELP ME UNDERSTAND MYSELF" but also "THOSE ARE THE FLAWS THAT MAKE ME HATE MYSELF WHY DO I ENJOY YOUR CHARACTER YOU LITTLE SHIT???"). Like I too tend to lash out on the people I love most when I'm sad and frustrated and angry, even more when I actually blame myself, that and "I cannot do anything right I MUST apologize for my every breath and distance myself from everyone I love because I can ONLY be bothering these amazing people or will in the future so I gotta go away while they don't hate me yet" are my "coping mechanisms" so y'all can see why destiel feels make me crawl up my walls.

What I mean is THE DIVORCE IS HITTING ME HARD HELP. Like Dean has been letting out all of the anger his recent losses and failures brought up on Cas because he's already on a roll of blaming him for everything he can (because of Mary's death). Then Rowena dies (and it messes up Sam) so Dean doesn't even try to listen to Cas on his reasoning and why he couldn't follow the plan, he immediately blames him like he's been doing with everything else "I've tried to talk to you over and over but you just don't wanna hear it, you don't care" because he feels like he has to blame someone, because he feels so much and he feels so fiercely, especially towards Cas. I understand that but it doesn't excuse it (lmao sorry if I'm projecting too hard), Cas doesn't deserve to hear that, from the MAN HE LOVES no less, doesn't deserve to be blamed for so much when he always has the default setting of blaming himself. And Cas as always just takes it. That's why even though I'm glad Cas left I feel really sad about it because Cas was probably not thinking of all these things when he decided to go, it seemed to be because he felt unwanted or useless there (to the brothers (to Dean)). He just felt he was not needed, much less wanted there. He wasn't thinking "I deserve better than this shit" he didn't go for his own well being, he went because he thought it was for Dean's, AND THAT BREAKS MY STONE COLD HEART.

Dean is suffering because he feels nothing he has is real, while Cas suffers because he believes "we are" but he doesn't have that "we" anymore. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[dickspeightjrs]

Prompt if you're still up for it: a happy end to The End episode

ao3 link 

They’d done it. 

Dean still wasn’t sure how they’d managed to pull it off. But, a team made up of both versions of himself, Chuck and Castiel had done it. 

They’d finally tracked down Lucifer. It had pained Dean to see that bastard using his little brother’s body. But even in his true vessel, Lucifer had been becoming weak. Sam must have been fighting the possession hard from the moment he’d said yes. Beating down the walls inside just to try and make a crack. 

With Dean and the team pushing from the outside, and Sam pushing from the inside, Lucifer finally cracked. Sam bleed through that crack and begged his brother to use this moment of weakness to kill Lucifer, and get rid of him for good. 

2014!Dean had little time to argue no matter how much it pained him to have to kill his brother. In the small window of weakness, he plunged an angel blade right into Sam’s heart. 

Dean could only watch with despair as he watched his brother be taken, knowing there was nothing he could do about it - there was no way to get him back this time. 

What was the point in anything now? If this is how it would all end up, Dean didn’t want it. He’d fight even harder to stop his Sam from saying yes to Lucifer. He couldn’t lose his brother again. 

Both Deans knelt by Sam’s unmoving body, sadness and pain coursing through them.

Behind 2014!Dean, Castiel appeared and placed a hand on the hunter’s shoulder. 2014!Dean lifted his hand, never taking his eyes off his brother’s face, to place it on Cas’. Dean felt like he was intruding on a moment so he took one last look at his brother and rose to his feet. 

Chuck came over, giving him a sympathetic look. He took Dean’s place next to Sam’s body and placed a hand on his still chest. 

A deep gulp of air sounded across the wooded area. 

Everyone looked with amazement as Sam opened his eyes. 

“Did we get him?” He coughed. 

The team remained speechless. 2014!Dean fell backwards into Castiel’s legs. 

“Welcome back, Sam” Cas spoke after a few moments, giving the man a small smile. 

Both Deans remained locked in stunned and disbelieving silence. Sam sat up and looked down at the fried blood on his shirt. “What happened? Shouldn’t I be dead?” He looked up at both versions of his brother, who looked just as confused as him. 

“God must be looking out for you, Sam.” Chuck offered. 

Sam let out a relieved laugh, which finally broke his brother kneeling beside him out of his trance. 2014!Dean threw his arms around his brother. 

*  *  *

Later that evening, they’d all returned to base and were having a party to celebrate Sam’s return, and the end of the end of the world. 

But Dean didn’t know why he was still there. At first, he thought he’d been sent to learn a lesson, to see the inevitability of the apocalypse. But Sam was back and looking pretty much as healthy as ever. 

Maybe he was just stuck for good. It wouldn’t be too bad he supposed. It’d be weird getting used to having a clone though. 

Speaking of the later version of himself, he was currently sat by the fire, locked in what looked like an intense, intimate conversation with Cas. After a few more seconds, both men stood up silently and walked away from the main group, towards one of the cabins. 

Just at the last second, before they disappeared out of sight, Dean saw his alternate self slip his hand into Cas’. 

Damn. 

Dean wasn’t a blushing virgin. He knew exactly what was going on in that cabin. Future him and Cas end up hooking up. Dean found that the idea wasn’t completely unwelcome. 

Suddenly, he missed his Castiel. The angel had a stick in his ass most of the time but he’d done so much for the Winchester, rebelled against his own family. He was their family now. 

Great. Dean realised he liked Castiel just as he got trapped in the future with a Castiel that is cool but not his Cas - and who was clearly already taken anyway. 

Not feeling the party mood anymore, Dean downed the last of his beer and went to find an empty cabin. He’d get some sleep and start trying to figure out how to get home in the morning. 

He went in the opposite direction from where Cas and the other Dean has gone - he certainly didn’t want to be hearing what was going on in that cabin right now. 

Soon enough, he was lying on an old camp bed and willing his brain to stop thinking for one second so he could be taken by sleep.

He closed his eyes and hoped. 

*  *  *

“Dean.”

“Dean.”

“Dean, I know you’re alive. You need to wake up.”

Dean’s eyes fluttered open. 

Bent over him was Castiel. But he was wearing his stupid tax accoutant trenchcoat again. Dean looked around the room. He wasn’t in the cabin anymore. Instead, the questionable decor of a random highway motel surrounded him. He pulled himself up to sit against the headboard, head swimming with thoughts. 

Sensing Dean’s confusion, Castiel sat hesitantly on the side of Dean’s bed. “Sam couldn’t wake you this morning, so he called for me.” He explained. 

“You never come when Sam calls.” Dean countered. 

Castiel shrugged softly, “I will always come for you, Dean.”

Trying to avoid blushing at the double meaning to Castiel’s innocent words, Dean asked, “Cas, what year is it?”

The angel titled his head. “2009 of course, Dean. Are you feeling alright?”

Dean watched a look of concern flit across Castiel’s normally stoic face. Obviously, the angel knew nothing of where Dean had been, nothing of what he had seen. 

Images of their future selves walking hand in hand flashed through Dean’s mind. He looked at his angel sat on the motel bed - here only because he was concerned for Dean.

Dean was still determined not to let Sam say yes to Lucifer. But he did know one thing for certain - he wasn’t going to wait another five years to have something he knew was inevitable. 

He slowly reached across the mattress to grasp Castiel’s hand in his. He didn’t want to startle the angel. God only knew if this Castiel would feel the same as his future self did. 

But Dean needn’t have worried. Castiel gripped his hand right back. 

Both men smiled down at their joined hands. 

“Hey, Cas?” Dean whispered. 

The angel turned his soft look towards the hunter. “Yes, Dean?”

“How would you feel about finding the nearest diner and trying your first burger?”

“That sounds lovely, Dean.”

Dean would tell Castiel about his trip to 2014 eventually but right now he was content to explore the bond he had with his angel. 

Maybe he was sent to 2014 to learn a lesson after all. Maybe it was indeed a lesson in inevitability. Not in the inevitability of death and heartache, but in love, hope and happiness.

-

A/N: I hope you liked it! I’m not sure I’m entirely confident with how it turned out (and I completely made up canon from what I could barely remember lmao)

Remember to support creators! Reblog if you enjoyed! Thank you. <3

-

Tags: @jhoomwrites @thekingslover @eccentriccas @multifandom-fanatic

If you want to be tagged in future works/want to be removed, let me know!

[the118firefam]

Despair (15×18) Episode Rant :

SPOILERS SPOILERS

- absolutely loved how dean just immediately jumped in to protect jack, "we're not giving up on you" it proves how whatever dean was doing, he was clouded by his hate of chuck and he just let himself be manipulated by that. plus, obviously, how he hurt billie just because she wanted to take jack away. i don't know why people aren't talking about how this was a clear change in the dynamic between the two (or maybe a restoring of what had been blurred?)

- SAM AND DEAN'S CONVERSATION in the bunker was so well-written and im so glad dean accepted what he did was wrong and how he let his hatred and anger control him and that was not cool (? idk which word to use). and how sam was still not ready to give up his hope - they had to find another way.

- i could see such a clear and distinct difference between this charlie and our charlie. like, this charlie was comparitively very closed-off and you could see how the brother-sister dynamic did not exist between her and the winchesters. i thought we were gonna get our charlie back, too? but i still do love au!charlie, and im glad we got to see more of her character and personality in this episode.

- cas and jack's conversation 🥺 it was p e r f e c t. the whole "we love you for you" has been long time coming for each of tfw2.0 and im really glad at least jack got to hear it because you could see in that see that he's just a fucking kid and he has to feel this huge burden and piles of guilt of how he destroyed everything and how he doesn't know what things mean for him anymore. cas was such a supportive father in that scene and as i said, the speech was perfect. jack crying and saying "im scared, cas" was gut-wrenching i am so sad for my baby

- my heart just stopped when eileen stopped typing. that was the moment i started sobbing. sam was so, so happy and he just lost it, in the blink of an eye. the broken look in his eyes when he found her phone and the lil crack in his voice, oh my god it killed me. i literally just want sam to scream for ten minutes, i wanna see his rage and his anger and his frustration because he didn't ask for this and he's honestly so, so fucking tired.

on a side note, i really, really feel for sam in these last couple of episodes. he knew it might be the only chance to kill chuck but he knew it would destroy everything they've formed, the family, the home, everything and so he made a choice - the heart choice, but the correct one. i am so heartbroken for sam, equally as much as for dean and cas and i really hope he gets the happiness he deserves.

- the hug between sam and dean and sam's lil breaths because yes, dean's here, he's still here focus on him and then the way dean cupped his face to convey that very emotion. it just showed that whatever happens, he's still sammy's big brother and he's going to protect him.

- "let's go reap a reaper" omg you dramatic bitch, but that line was so powerful. goosebumps. and cas' "i'll go with you, dean" and dean's little nod (this is the first time dean's agreed isn't it?)

- donna hascum you adorable and precious bean. her "anything for you" and the completely earnest and genuine tone. she's my favorite wayward sister and she's so underrated

- sam knows he can't do much right now but he can make his kid feel better. and that's exactly what he did by asking him to drive – it gave jack some purpose, at least for a while, which he believed was lost forever. it made him feel useful. the fact that sam understands and looks out for jack even in the midst of the literal end is so beautiful

- bobby was the light of this episode, "i bought a bucket, just in case" lmao bobby 😂 i love you whatta mood having peeing as the priority

- the scene where everyone started disappearing made my heart hurt, sam's face broke me fuck, you can see the literal moment when he realises what is happening it's so heartbreaking

- ok what was that scene with donna and jack and the plant? why was jack so shocked that the plant died, what was happening there? someone help me out!

- now let's move to dean and cas.

the line "stop killing my people!" hit me so hard oh fuck

dean's lil protective stance for cas, wholesome 🥺

billie was a bamf. iknow they were the villain but d a m n the power

"i've got you" akshhsjsjsjsjsksksks

now the confession. oh my god. fuck. chills. gave me so many chills. i was just hugging my laptop and sobbing. cas saying "i cared about the whole because you cared" and someone finally telling dean that he's driven by love and not anger was SO NEEDED "you changed me, dean" (the parallels during this entire episode 😩😩😩) and dean's reactions oh fuck. you could see the changes so clearly idk why people thought jensen's reaction was not a reaction. dean is an emotionally repressed man who is told by his best friend that he made a deal that could kill him and then proceeds to talk about happiness which sounds awful much like a goodbye and then tells him he's in love with him. you really think dean would've processed all of that information in the span of three minutes? i wouldn't have processed it– i didn't process it.

- THE HANDPRINT 😭😭😭😭

- dean ignoring sam's calls and just sobbing was so raw and the fact that they didn't add any music to it was a nice call because it just made the scene more real.

- EARTH IS EMPTY WHAT? everyone's gone?????? what the fuck!!!!! it's only jack, sam and dean now? and michael AKDHJSJSJSJ

speight and berens did a good job

[corancoranthemagicalman]

IDK how prompts work......i pick number 12! With destiel? Or do you need more than that??

That’s perfectly great!! Since this prompt list is based on the song (associated with that number) on my playlist, that’s the “prompt” as it were. If that makes sense. LMAO.

So the number you picked is twelve and that’s Marbles by The Amazing Devil on my Spotify Wrapped!! So here’s some Destiel with a hint of Marbles. And I am literally already dying because the first line of Marbles is “I've held your hand since 1979.” Dean Winchester’s birthday? Jan. 24, 1979. So. Destiny and all of that. Other things of note: Cassiel - the angel Castiel is based on - is the angel of tears and solitude. That doesn’t matter here but it made me sad. Another thing is that since Aneal was thought to be Anna’s name but was later introduced in season 13 as a different character, I named her Ananiel who is considered to be a “watcher.” I thought that was fitting since Anna watched humanity and fell.

You can read it on AO3 if you’d prefer. This one got longer than I meant it to. :|

And you can prompt me here for some writing!! 700 followers and 100 songs!!

 **********

It was a cold night in January when it began. Castiel recalled the humans had recently marked the year 1979. The evening was an ordinary one save for the birth of one, small child. Crying, the babe called out for his mother. Like most humans, the babe hungered. Humans milled about before affixing the newborn into the arms of a tired but brightly smiling mother.

Castiel approached Ananiel as the Garrison Captain watched in silent awe. It was an emotion unfathomable to Castiel in regards to humans. Ananiel’s fascination with humanity was not something Castiel could grasp, but their order from God was clear. They were to be humanity’s keepers. In this regard, Ananiel’s ever-watchful eye over humanity was something that Castiel could understand.

Even this aside, the birth of the Righteous Man was a sight to behold and witness. Castiel was certain many an angel had paused in their duties to watch on as the Michael Sword drew in his first breath.

“They’re so unassuming, aren’t they?” Ananiel spoke. When Castiel did not respond, Ananiel continued. “He’s so small. Fragile.”

Castiel cast his gaze, watched on as the small babe’s cries silenced at the hushing of his mother. “It is… difficult … to understand that this one will one day become Michael’s sword against Lucifer.”

Ananiel looked displeased at Castiel’s response, turning to face the future Righteous Man. “No, it’s not just that, Castiel.” The Captain furled their body into something smaller, a reflection of the vessels they would have to wear as they walked the Earth. Wordlessly, Castiel followed suit and moved forward with her.

“All of them.” Ananiel’s words were but a whisper. “All of humanity. So small and frail.” The Captain turned their gaze away from Kansas, to Paris, to Istanbul, to Sweden, and to everywhere and nowhere all at once. “Look at them, Castiel. Look at all that they have done on their own.”

But Castiel did not see what Ananiel was gazing upon. Where his Captain saw monuments and civilization Castiel only saw desolation and despair. A people crying out and misguided as they turned away from God. Castiel told Ananiel this, spoke about the heinous atrocities of humanity that he saw reaped and sowed in equal measure. Again Ananiel was displeased.

“Castiel,” Ananiel spoke. “One day you will see.” Ananiel looked upon the Michael Sword once again.

“What will I see?” Castiel inquired as Ananiel knelt from their position over Michael’s True Vessel. They sat beside Ananiel, eyes becoming unsteady as they tried to observe the same things Ananiel did.

Ananiel offered a smile, eyes kept to the small hospital room. “They are God’s greatest Creation.”

Humming, Castiel was not sure that he could dispute that. Their father had ordered Humanity to be their priority. Lucifer had rebelled because Humanity had been loved more. Certainly, God had viewed Humanity as His greatest Creation. Why would Castiel assume differently?

Castiel kept their assumptions to themselves. They did not wish to lessen Ananiel’s view of them. Their Garrison Captain had humored them enough with their lack of understanding. They were still young. Perhaps with age, Castiel would know. For now, they would wait with the hope of understanding one day.

Then it continued in a motel. The year is 2018 and this is where the End begins. Castiel had not wanted to stay beside his brethren as they let Lucifer rise to destroy Humanity. They had been commanded to protect Humanity, God’s favorite Creation. He would continue to do so besides the Winchester brothers.

He wondered if he now understood what Ananiel had meant all those years ago. Watching the Righteous Man, shoulders heavy and eyes dim, Castiel was reminded of the crying child. Only this time, the child did not allow themselves to cry when they needed something. Instead, Dean Winchester held his tongue. He cleaned his gun as Sam Winchester lay sleeping in the opposite bed.

Dean Winchester was… peculiar . He was an enigma wrapped in mystery only to be thrown in the deepest, darkest depths so that his secrets might never see light. But Castiel had seen Dean’s secrets. He had held the man’s very soul in his hands, putting it together piece by piece. He was nothing that Castiel once thought the Michael Sword should have been.

But with that in mind, Dean was not the Michael Sword, was he? He was not the Righteous Man , but a good man . One who was willing to sacrifice everything for his brother and most everything for Humanity. He had fought harder and longer than some of the angels within Castiel’s own Garrison to protect Humanity as God commanded. In this way, perhaps Dean was a soldier of Heaven. A true warrior of God, fighting for His command.

“You should rest.” Castiel finally spoke, watching as Dean continued his meticulous work.

“You should too,” Dean responded as his gaze remained upon his work. His hands were rough, calloused, but handled his weapon with care. A silent duality to an ever curiously crafted man.

Castiel held his words for a moment, thoughts forming and imploding all at once until he could speak. “I do not require rest, Dean.” He spoke eventually, the human voice granted to him by James Novak restrained as he tried to let Sam sleep. Whispering, Dean had referred to it as once. To let humans sleep.

“Well,” Dean sighed, setting aside his tools before beginning to reassemble his weapon. “I guess that means we can just stay up late. Braid each other’s hair and talk about the new High School Musical coming out.”

Furrowing the brow of his human vessel in curiosity, Castiel leaned forward from where he sat at one of the chairs placed by the table. Dean removed his things from atop the bedsheets before meeting his gaze. “I do not think that is what you want, Dean.”

Dean rolled his eyes, standing and taking his things to be placed within his bag. “It’s a joke , Cas.” He huffed. “No one actually cares about Senior Year anyway.” There is a muttering of words that Castiel does not strain himself to understand but Dean turns to face him and continues. “Seriously, go on. You perch on some telephone wire while Sam and I get a few hours.”

Castiel felt annoyance trickle along his very being at the insinuation of birdlike habits. But this was how Dean Winchester communicated. In the same way he referred to Sam as a bitch , he meant brother . It was something Castiel was beginning to grow accustomed to.

Standing, Castiel nodded in understanding. Dean did not like to be watched over so closely while resting. Perhaps it was an instinct ingrained into him through his life as a Hunter. “Of course,” he whispered. “Sleep well, Dean.” With an unfurling of his wings that Dean could not see, Castiel cast himself outside of the motel room.

He stared for a moment at the old paint that marked the motel’s wall. He could almost hear Dean sigh, the Righteous Man allowing his shoulders to sag now that there was no appearance to keep up. Dean Winchester would staple a steel bar to his back if such a thing were possible and if it were viable for keeping his posture upright when facing anyone, kin or not.

It was… admirable , Castiel considered. That Dean Winchester would not allow himself to be viewed as vulnerable. He had been charged to watch over his brother much like Castiel had been charged with watching over Dean. It was… familiar , in an oddly disturbing way. That Castiel could see so much of himself within Dean. When first touching Dean’s soul, Castiel had assumed this was because Dean himself was like an angel. Now, though, Castiel could not help but wonder if it were because he was like a human .

He could remember Ananiel’s fall too freshly. Turning to face away from the motel, Castiel could do nothing but wait and hope that they could defeat Lucifer. That he would not stray as Ananiel did.

In Heaven, while the Earth has reached its year of 2020, so much has changed. An aching amount of years had passed with much too much love and pain chained along with those years. Castiel watched and waited, hope catching in his throat. Perhaps, now with Chuck finally defeated and Jack residing over Heaven as God, the Winchesters could rest. They could find peace.

Castiel rubbed at the place over his chest where his heart resided. His chest, he considered it, as it had been a long time since he considered his body a vessel . There was a beautiful sort of ache knowing that someone you loved would finally get to achieve their happiness. Perhaps this is what Anna had meant all those years ago. Perhaps she too had seen the man that Dean Winchester would become, or the hope of the man he could be. Or perhaps she had no idea whatsoever what it meant to fall in love with a human.

Jack turned from the board he had been staring at blankly. Castiel had no clue as to where the young God’s gaze had turned, but he welcomed him back with a warm smile. Jack, however, greeted his smile with something small and bittersweet.

Furrowing his brow, Castiel placed his hand on Jack’s shoulder. “What is it?” He asked softly. Had already there begun a war to fight? Was there no time for rest as Heaven had been recrafted and Humanity given their Free Will?

“It’s Dean,” Jack spoke gently. “He’s… here.” His words eventually drew out from him, reaching Castiel’s grace and morphing his hesitant spirit into one of sorrow. Already Dean Winchester was dead, resigned to Heaven when there was still a full life on Earth to have been had for him.

“Oh,” Castiel let out in a breath. He felt Heaven spin around him, vision swirling until he was forced to take a seat. Jack followed him, arms reaching out but withheld as not to touch Castiel. “Dean Winchester is…”

“Dead.” Jack nodded as that bittersweet smile remained. “Yes. He’s at the Roadhouse with Bobby Singer now.”

Castiel swallowed heavily. The thought that Dean was being greeted by a familiar and warm face was a soothing balm to the gaping wound left in his heart. “That’s good.” His throat felt constricted around his words. With these thoughts, he could understand the bittersweetness to Jack’s smile. Perhaps this was how Dean Winchester found his peace and true rest. It was unfair , certainly, that Dean should pass so young and not see his peace out on Earth. It was almost cruel when Dean wanted nothing more than a family . Then a home .

Jack smiled then, inhaling a deep breath and transforming his expression. “Time passes differently here, doesn’t it?” He contemplated after the long silence. “I mean, I see everything all at once and yet I experience things in both Heaven and Earth.”

“I… suppose.” Castiel bobbed his head for a moment, folding his hands to rest on his lap. “When I was in Heaven, before all of… everything … there were moments of time that would pass that to the Winchesters was months, or sometimes the reverse was true. And I would be fighting for months and have only been gone a few minutes.”

There was understanding, soft like a new dawn, across Jack’s face. “He’s here now too. Sam, I mean.”

Releasing the breath that he had not known he was holding, Castiel smiled. “Good.” He spoke genuinely with his throat less dry and his words less hollow. “Now he can have peace.”

Jack furrowed his brow, blinking in something akin to surprise at Castiel’s words. “No.” His words were firm but gentle, reminding Castiel of the displeasure Anna had displayed to him many lifetimes ago. “He doesn’t have everything to complete his Heaven yet.”

Castiel could remember watching Dean rake leaves. Waiting with a silent hope that somehow Dean would see him , despite hiding himself from Dean’s gaze. He could remember avoiding Dean’s presence in Purgatory with the blind hope that waiting his time would save Dean . He could remember Naomi and the tablets and countless other things that had left Castiel waiting and hoping .

He could wait and hope for this too. For Dean’s happiness. Perhaps in that short time before his arrival in Heaven - had it been short at all? - Dean had lived something of a life, had met someone. There was a hope that all Dean would have to do was wait and he could have his peace.

“He’s waiting.” Jack’s voice rang out, resonating within Castiel’s grace. Once a meager captain, once a seraph, now an archangel for Jack’s reign as God, Castiel could equate his grace to a soul . The very core of his being despite how much it had been rebuilt and replaced to keep him alive, to keep him powered.

“How much longer will he have to wait?” Castiel asked, fearful of the answer but desperate for it all the same.

Smiling, Jack took the seat across from Castiel and mirrored the templing of his hands. “Soon.” He answered instead. “Did you know that when you rebuilt Dean’s soul you stitched him together with your grace?”

Confused, Castiel slowly nodded. “Yes, but…” he cut his words short, furrowing his brow as he tried to puzzle Jack’s words. “But Dean’s soul and my grace are not what they once were.”

“No,” Jack agreed, tilting his head and gathering his thoughts in a single breath. “No, you aren’t the same. Except you are. You’ve… grown, I suppose. But at your hearts, you’re the same.”

Castiel could concur to that, thinking on how they had not changed. They had continued in their patterns until their deaths. The only thing that had differed in their twelve years of kinship was Castiel’s deathbed confession. He grimaced at the thought, thinking of the weight he must have placed upon Dean’s shoulders, knowing that his love for the man had been what sentenced Castiel to death. Yet Castiel could not regret any actions that might have spared Dean.

Suddenly, Castiel heard a faint voice. It was quieter than a songbird’s first tune but thrice as precious. Dean Winchester’s voice called out, a silent prayer, a calling of longing. Castiel’s eyes widened and yet Jack looked as if he had been expecting this.

“You didn’t forget where you placed your marbles, did you?” He teased, a smile bright stretching his face into something that felt close to Heaven in Castiel’s heart.

“No,” Castiel answered without hesitation. Dean’s longing called again, asking for Castiel. “But…”

Jack laughed, standing and placing his hands on Castiel’s shoulders. “Go find out where Dean Winchester placed his marbles.” He winked and released his grip on Castiel before turning back to the board they had been working over. “I’ll be here when you’re done.” Jack grinned. “Think of it like a 9 to 5 for God.”

Huffing a surprised laugh, Castiel stood. His hands shook and his knees felt weak. “I’ll… see you soon.” He promised, unfurling his wings and stretching his form before taking flight.

It continued like this. Castiel was in Heaven, staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. The blue eyes contained within his body reminded him of the river not far from the cabin. The lines on his face reminded him of crow’s feet as he smiled. The hair atop his head was askew from a good night’s rest before, sleeping heavily with content in a large room on a large bed.

Arms, warm, wrapped around his waist. Dean’s chin rested atop his shoulder and a green gaze met his own in the reflection. “Mornin’, sunshine,” Dean mumbled, smiling sleepily to which Castiel could do not much more than return it.

“Good morning, Dean.” Castiel rumbled, felt his happiness roll out from him like thunder, before turning in Dean’s arms to run his fingers through golden hair. “What are we going to do today?”

Dean hummed, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Castiel’s own. He peered one eye open carefully to catch Castiel’s before closing it again with a smile. “How about you and I go to the lake.” He offered a breathy chuckle. “Off by the pier. Just you and me.” A sharp nose ran gently across Castiel’s cheek, a kiss of skin as Dean tightened his arms around Castiel’s waist.

“That sounds wonderful,” Castiel murmured, closing his eyes and inhaling sharply this scent of familiarity in their shared bathroom.

“Good.” Dean drew back with a smile but not before placing a soft kiss to the corner of Castiel’s mouth. “I’ve got a good feeling about today.”

Offering a blinding smile, Castiel threaded his fingers through Dean’s hair. “Me too.”

[spnreactionblogging]

CARRY ON

spoilers below but I’m very late to the game

here we go!!! there's Some Woman in the thumbnail for this episode and I'm like oh boy did you fuckers turn castiel into a girl to make it Not Gay, I will riot. we're off to a dread-inducing start I'm honestly not even sure I want to watch this? I have not heard anything good but since my options are either keep SPN blacklisted forever but ultimately get spoiled anyway, or use my dwindling remaining time to see it for myself without being told what happens, may as well be on my own terms I am hearing that misha and possibly j2 were not happy with this, whatever this is (?????) yikes I don't understand how you even have another episode after the last one. that seems like a traditional ending. you either beat a dead horse or go ultra meta and it sounds like they dropped the ball, big time but let's see jack's sweet and deserved better. there's a clock but it's NOT heat of the moment playing, damn oh the dog. we love you miracle dog sam's still jogging where's eileen!!!! I like seeing sam cooking I actually enjoy watching them do domestic stuff dean sneaking food to the dog 😭 can this be the whole episode, just them doing chores I meant to catch which book sam was reading I can't tell but it looks like it's old this is extra bonus sad for knowing that they couldn't even like, have a wrap party or anything. extra isolated. :( SPECIAL GUEST STAR JIM BEAVER!!! "Are you sure you're ready for this?" "Oh, I don't have a choice." dean hasn't been this relatable to me in years, this is how I feel watching this lmao akron pie fest dean dies of complications from diabetes god I miss bakeries or restaurants or anything I do love Sad Sam Face "I"'m thinking about Cas, you know? Jack. If they could be here." thank you Sam that pain isn't going away for me either "stop being an eeyore" Sam's the Eeyore of the series, Dean, okay, and same lmao jared fucking slammed that pie into jensen's face and they just filmed it. you can see the actual glee on his face brady??? like sam's old classmate? wasn't that his name? or no some kid. is this just a regular-ass monster of the week. do sam and dean just get killed by like. regular people? are there no monsters anymore. I would actually love that. humanity is truly the worst monster of all. didn't we learn that in season 1 :') in "the benders" are these guys sam and dean? are they just murdering monster families like they did in the holiday episode? what is happening. are those dean's shoes. I could probably recognize how they walk if I really paid attention i guess not. probably. "singer and kripke, FBI" ha fucking clowns lmao poor sam they still have dad's journal, huh. THE LORE evil mimes. vamp-mimes. I guess they kill these dudes? we gonna unmask them or what there we go this guy looks like joseph gordon-levitt oh we love torture on this show this is definitely "dean who's NOT the ultimate killer" amirite "if those kids are dead he's gonna use a spoon" how very walter sullivan of you also I feel like sam would not do this anymore but hey who am I, someone who likes consistent characterization? lol we're back to creepy barns instead of wet pipe factories dean has a fucking shuriken lmao I honestly for real need a machete for the overgrown weeds I don't hate this so far? I'm tired of the constant torture but I guess this feels like early seasons, kind of. idk. lmao sam with the concussions. classic tie them to a chair. it's what we do. i will be disappointed if they are not tied to a chair jenny? cue studio killers. I do not remember whatever episiode this is but it looks very early based on sam's hair oh thanks sam. couldn't get out of this episode without beheading a woman too one of the suggestions for me typing "woman" was a high-heeled shoe emoji. thanks, predictive text...?????? true feminist oh damn he could very well get tetanus from that. that's how trinity dies, man. should've gotten your booster shot, dean. vaccines save lives this is like the plot of signs why don't you guys wear bulletproof shit. your plot armor was holding you together until now. GUYS THIS IS HOW HUNTERS GO OKAY don't ever un-impale someone, guys like "dean we are in a major city, there are ambulances" call fucking 911, someone could be there already "I've always looked up to you" because you're taller than me lmaoooo idefk what to say about this like. we all know this is how hunters die. you fucking leered at jessica is what you did, dean if sam makes it out of this I'll accept it. if sam lives I can be okay. if this is the only way sam gets free of this, I'm okay. CALL 911 AND CALL JACK "always keep fighting" aw :( they're both very good at crying, I will give them that we never think it's gonna be the day. at least you got pie. OH THE WINCHESTER FAMILY MUSIC don't do this to me dean got a way better death than castiel. this actually reminds me a liiiiittle bit of the end of season 2? with how dean holds sam's body. the writing here is overwrought though. jared and jensen do the best they can with the script they're given but like you guys just FOUGHT GOD. they're a bit too up their own ass with this. you can tell that dabb thinks he's very clever. sam... gets a dog again? at least. i guess. the pacing is bad. I don't hate this on principle but it is not executed well. I am having like no emotional response to this except maybe relief for sam in a horrid way. like, you're free! at what cost. it's like the opposite of season 5? sam survives instead of dean. and... sam marries a dog. where do they get all this fucking lumber!!! did sam chop that all himself dude if he woke up to "heat of the moment" i'd lose my shit in the best way. gabriel wins. "gotta keep you on your toes." what had to change in this because of the pandemic? at least sam has a dog to be in scenes with him. the two guns as big and little brothers is an interesting choice of a shot. god the fucking phones. "DHS" "CIA" "dean's 'other other' phone" "state patrol" what's the paperwork on his desk? (512) is an Austin area code I have this on amazon prime and the saddest thing thus far is X-Ray: Jared Padalecki as Sam Winchester, with no other actors at all. meta ways, pandemic related. "this is agent bon jovi" donna's alive??? sam just quit, babe. just quit. or take a day off at least, jesus. didn't you just drive back from ohio are you even gonna go back to the bunker DEAN IN HEAVEN!!! how'd you get here. "well at least I made it to heaven" lmao he said the same thing oh hey bobby!! I love jack god i've missed jim beaver you guys moved on to dream bubbles!!!!! RUFUS how very homestuck + narnia of you, starring sam winchester as susan pevensie so jack just like melded all of these metaphysical spaces, I'm cool with that "so the question is what are you gonna do now, dean?" get a better beer so I can drink and drive with my car that's in heaven, I'm already dead so who cares what I hit TELL ME WHERE IS BALTHAZAR FOR I MUCH DESIRE TO SPEAK WITH HIM break everyone out of the empty I do get the impression this was supposed to be a big cast reunion and the pandemic clobbered that :( oh it's the original license plate on the impala sure do love that cas and jack "helped" to give dean everything he's ever wanted. the only time "carry on my wayward son" has been diegetic I guess sam and the dog had a child I like jared in glasses are we doing a bunch of elderly makeup yeah there he is did they just spray grey temp dye on his hair or what is sam gonna drive into toluca lake!!! buddy please don't just run the engine in a garage, he took off his glasses and that makes me nervous jake gyllenhaal looking dude which cover is this must be nice to have healthcare I so appreciate that sam's wife has zero personality and is merely in the background, of no importance whatsoever compared to his kid named dean are the two impalas gonna meet in heaven????? vancouver is beautiful, or wherever this is at jared looks so cozy in that coat you can tell j2 really do love each other for real the majesty of that forest/that river got me choked up a bit, it's such a lonely thing. like. I can see what they were going for? like dean just... getting sick, falling off a ladder, getting in a car accident, etc etc would've been more potent, I think. the execution was not good. I'm not that unhappy though. it's all right. eh. it's fine. the heartfelt message from the cast (what's left of them....) and the crew was sweet. I want to know what they were intending to do? I feel like you can definitely feel the weight of COVID fucking this up which is genuinely upsetting. sam gets like 50 years of being free of dean I GUESS???? perhaps the only way to break the cycle.

at least there was no sexual assault in this episode. i have definitely watched way worse episodes of this show. it's like. twee. but I can't be mad at these guys especially with how much I know jared in particular has been struggling with the state of the world this year but jensen talked about it with rosenbaum on his show too. 2020 has been rough. like. at least they filmed it. whatever. I feel like I get what they were trying to do even if circumstances meant it wasn't really pulled off. it seems like they were supposed to have a big cast reunion and the pandemic took the wind completely out of their sails. this feels incredibly tacked on. 15x19 would've been a much better place to stop. I feel like I just read andrew dabb's notes. I get what they were trying to go for but they didn't pull it off. I thought it was gonna be a lot worse tbh in summary: EHHHHHHHHH

[virginbutstillahoe]

Once you get this you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly, then tag ten of your favorite followers (non-negotiable) SPREAD POSITIVITY ❤

i was tagged in this yesterday and i’m just getting around to it now bc i genuinely didn’t know what to say.  then i decided that i just wouldn’t bc there wasn’t anything good about me.  but you know what, i just turned 22, and i finally just realized that i’m tired of hating myself and being so negative.  so i really thought long and hard about this.  i slept on it.  i thought about it in the shower.  here i am.  bc not only am i too young to hate me and constantly talk down to myself, but i have a chance to normalize self love, and i’m gonna do it goddamn it.  so i’m actually really proud of myself for doing this.  i know it all seems a little melodramatic for a tag game, but you know what, i’m a deep ass emotional bitch, so this is the real mental journey it took me on lmao.

okay monologue over. 

i was tagged by: @navajolovesdestiel thank you bud (: 

1.) my wisdom.  i’m not really wise when it comes to my own situations in life and i still have a LOT to learn, but when it comes to helping others navigate their problems i really shine.  i’m really good at giving advice to my friends and offering perspectives they might not have thought of right away, and they always compliment me on my wisdom and say i’m like their parent.  

2.) my empathy.  it can be a blessing and a curse sometimes because my empathy is so intense to the point that if someone tells me they have a headache, my head starts to throb.  i wish that was an exaggeration.  however, my empathy has really given me the opportunity to be friends with, help, and communicate with several different people, from very different walks of life, and make changes in my self as well as in my school and community to help those who are different from me who are marginalized or discriminated against.

3.) my intense emotions.  i’ve talked about it a little bit on here before, but usually i talked about it like a weakness, because for most of my life, i thought it was a weakness.  i’m trying really hard to not think of it like that anymore.  i feel everything to the extreme.  happiness, sadness, frustration, etc.  even though it can be really hard sometimes, it’s what makes me, me.  and it’s a hell of a lot better than feeling empty and nothing my whole life.  it allows me to truly experience things, find deeper meanings in things that may seem mundane or normal (kind of like this whole tag lmao), and get really passionate about things i care about in a way others can’t or don’t.  i’m choosing to see that as a gift instead of a short coming.  it actually made me tear up when i was watching the spn episode that came out on monday (15x13 also sorry for the spoiler) when cas was talking about how much more dean feels than other humans, and he was talking about it in a loving way.  dean has always been like my soul sister, especially when it comes to our emotional expression, and i cried like a baby to hear it be talked about in that way.  

4.) my singing voice.  that may seem a little shallow or conceited to say, but my ability to sing well really makes me feel good when i feel really bad and really boosts my self-esteem.  i love singing so much and it really is a source of comfort to me as well as an outlet of my emotions and i’m just happy to have that gift.  i always tried to tell myself that i wasn’t a good singer because i didn’t want to feel the hurt if someone ever said i wasn’t a good singer, but i actually really am.  part of the reason i love ariana grande’s music so much is because her singing voice is really similar to mine (of course she’s a professional so i’m not as good as her, but i’m really damn close)

5.) my silliness.  most of the time when i’m on tumblr i’m very in my feels because in real life i don’t let it show that frequently and i need a place to let it out, but in my normal life i am a silly ass bitch.  we love just doing silly dances out of no where and funny accents and dress up like HELL YEAH.  i am a toddler at heart and i love it.  i love being silly.  being goofy is so underrated and people who act too cool to goof off and look down on others for being silly are boring there i said it, sorry about it.  

normally i would apologize for making that so long and deep but, i told a friend recently that i would try and stop apologizing for being myself (: this is a really big step for me, so shawn, thank you for supporting me and caring enough to tell me to cut the shit.

thank you for reading if you did (:

tagging: @green-eyes-and-classic-rock, @victorian-sexstache, and @multifandom-fanatic as usual.  and of course, anyone else who wants to participate. :D

[sortasirius]

...Let Go

Pairing: Dean/Cas as usual for me now

AN: Hello it's me again, back with some terribly sad and angsty Dean because that's how I work through my own stuff I guess.  Lmk what you think because I crave validation lmao.

Warnings: Excessive alcohol consumption, good ole fashioned masturbation, angsty as all hell

Words: 1554

Up on my AO3 here.

Dean was drunk.  So drunk, in fact, that he was having trouble seeing the glass in front of him.  It moved and changed with the neon blue light from the Blue Moon sign, replicating and then smoothing back to one, so he had to swipe at the whiskey glass a couple of times before lifting it to his mouth.

Cas had left hours ago, and Dean, once he had peeled himself away from the Bunker’s table, he had headed straight for the Impala, turning the key and pulling out of the garage, fighting back the ache in his chest that threatened to overwhelm him if he thought about Cas too much.

When he pulled into Lebanon’s most trusty dive bar, he felt a little pang of guilt for Sam, so he sent him a quick text, letting him know where he was.  It’s not like Sam would come looking for him, he was trapped in his own little world for a while, and Dean had learned long ago that the best way to let Sam heal was to leave him be, and to have a hot meal ready on the table when he decided to come out of his room.  But for now, Dean needed to get blind fucking drunk just to forget about this absolute hell of a week.

He sat down at the semi-crowded bar, ordered a whiskey from the pretty bartender, and downed it in one.  It was that kinda night. 

“Leave the bottle,” he told her.  She smiled at him with the kind of look he used to crave when he was younger, eager to take someone home.  Now, he smiled back, allowing her to leave without asking for her number.

In the time that followed, he finished almost half the bottle.  Any time he saw someone with jet black hair, he took a shot.  Every time he closed his eyes and saw blue eyes, he took a shot.  Every time he inhaled and didn’t smell the stale beer of the bar, but smelled the Bunker’s kitchen where he and Cas would cook, he took a shot.

He hadn’t gotten this drunk in years, the last time he thought it was when John had left him on his own for a hunt, and he had cracked it two days before he and John were going to meet up.  He had gone to some shitty club, gotten absolutely shitfaced, and ended up in a way-too-seedy sex party down the street where he only remembered about a fifth of what went down.  He had had to get tested at a free clinic in Topeka the next week, pretending that he was researching the history of the case he and John were on.  Point is, he didn’t get blackout, forget-your-name drunk often, but sometimes life calls for it.

After he had been sitting at the bar for nearly two hours, the waitress pulled the nearly empty bottle away from him.  Dean made a grab for it, but being so smashed had its drawbacks, and his reflexes were not what they usually were.

“Sorry man, gotta cut you off,” she said, and Dean wished he couldn’t see the look of pity on her face.  Apparently he was being very obvious.

“M’fine,” he slurred, trying to turn up the charm, which probably made him look more pitiable.

“No, you’re not.  I shoulda cut you off forty-five minutes ago.  You’re not driving.  Do you have a ride home?”

“I’ll sleep in my car.”

“No, I can call you a cab.  We can keep your keys in the safe and you can pick them up tomorrow.”

Dean wanted to argue, but he knew he wouldn’t win against her.  In his current state, she could probably force him into a cab if she really wanted to.  So, like he was sawing off his own arm, he handed the keys of the Impala over to her.

“’M not leavin til I see them in the safe.”

The bartender, who had short, spiky black hair that Dean liked, opened the safe under the bar and dropped them in.

“You can come back at 10 tomorrow morning, what’s the name for them?”

“Cas,” he said, without thinking, and immediately wanted another drink.

“Okay, what’s the car?” she was dialing the phone, calling him a cab.  It was a nice thing, almost like he was being taken care of.

“Black ‘67 Chevy Impala.  I know every scratch on her so-”

“It’ll be fine.  Pretty sleepy town, “ she said, “What address are they taking you to?”

He gave it to her, he had drank himself past fighting.  She pulled him out of the bar towards the cab and pushed him in, just as he had predicted.

“I don’t even know your name,” he slurred to her as she shut the door.

“It’s Cassandra.  Get home safe okay?”

“I have a friend named Cas,” he started saying, but the car pulled away before he could finish his sentence, not that he knew what he was going to say anyway.

The cab dropped him off at the end of the road, and Dean stumbled into the Bunker, shushing himself as he gripped the handrail with both hands.

He fell, no, collapsed into his bed, knowing that the crippling hangover that was heading his way in the morning was no joke, he made himself drink a glass of water.

His master plan of getting drunk enough to forget everything that had happened hadn’t worked, because as soon as he dragged himself into bed, he was forced to relive Cas leaving.  The things he said, the way Cas had looked at him, like Dean was breaking his heart, his blue eyes turning away from Dean, and Dean himself, so angry that he couldn’t tell Cas that it was all right, because it wasn’t.  Nothing was.

Thinking about something positive didn’t help, his only positive memories reminded him of Cas too.  Why the fuck did everything remind him of Cas?  Why couldn’t he just let Cas go?

He wiggled his way out of his jeans, toeing off his boots, he heard them clunk to the floor, and then the dull clang of his belt buckle following suit.  Without thinking, he stuck his hand down his underwear, gripping himself and he let the thoughts of Cas overtake him as he touched himself.

He thought of his eyes, his hair, his full-throated laugh, the way he looked at Dean.  The memory of Cas sitting next to him in the Impala, head thrown back, listening to the mixtape Dean had made him, his hand out the window, pure bliss. 

Dean was starting to pant, too drunk to be precise, he fell into his animal instincts, doing only what felt best second to second, as thoughts of Cas, and nothing but Cas, filled his mind.  God he wanted Cas.

He thought of Cas’ lingering touches on his skin, wishing it was Cas touching him instead of himself.  Platonic touches that burned his skin like Cas was made of fire.  Every touch left a mark on him the same as the first time Cas had touched him.  Dean groaned as he thought of Cas’ hands, his broad shoulders, his chest, his fucking shoulder blades, god damn, god damn him, god damn Cas.

Dean refused to call out his name when he came, even though his drunk-ass brain really really wanted to, so he bit down on his lip, so hard that he tasted blood, and as he came down from his high, the horrible ache in his chest came back, and he longed for Cas, more than he longed for him usually, because now Cas wasn’t in the next room.  He had moved on, and Dean was absolutely terrified that he may never see him again.

Dean was right, the hangover was crippling in the morning, but he walked his ass over to the bar the next morning to get his baby, because as shitty as he felt, he wasn’t going to leave her in some fucking parking lot for longer than he had to. 

The bartender from the night before was there when he walked in, and she smiled at him when she saw him.

“Made it through the night, huh?”

“Barely,” his voice was gravelly and rough.  She laughed at him, and maybe hearing another person laugh helped the knot in his chest ease a little.

“Well, your car’s fine.  Name was under...”

“Cas,” he said, mentally telling drunk Dean to go fuck himself for that.

“Yeah, here you go,” she tossed him the keys, “Glad you got home okay.”

“Thanks,” he said, turning towards the door.

“Hope you find your friend, Cas.  You mentioned them last night.”

Dean turned and stared at her.  She seemed sincere, she obviously had no idea that even his name made Dean want to rip open his chest and throw his heart against the wall.

“Thanks.”

He walked out of the bar, got into the Impala, and headed back to the Bunker, desperately hoping when he opened the door, that Cas would be there, waiting for him.  But no such luck.  The Bunker was empty when he got back, and Dean shut himself in his room, hoping that his headache would distract from the pieces of broken heart that he left laying on the floor.

[carryoncastiel]

14x19 - “Jack In The Box” thoughts

Pre-thoughts: Honestly after that The Magicians fiasco the other day all I’m thinking is “Please, just don’t fuck this up Buckleming” lol. So let’s just start:

Recap: Jack did some bad things. Dean and Cas drama. The Empty infiltrated heaven. Necromancy didn’t work. - This could all be very good and interesting...

Aww that was a very nice Goodbye speech to Mary. 

WTF....WTF?...

Ok the dude was a wraith apparently. (it did look suspicious that he wasn’t toasting with the others). But way to almost ruin that nice scene.

Cas’ sad look at Dean *clutches heart*

Au!Bobby may have liked Jack but he is stuck in the old “Kill bad thing without question” mentality. Cas and Sam on the other end want to help Jack while Dean is doing his usual thing of retreating into his shell so he’s not much help right now.

Poor Jack wishes his mom was there to help him figure this all out :(

Instead we get the most annoying character back...*sigh* Even when Nick is dead we still aren’t save from Mark P.

Dean out there crying in the woods alone. SOMEONE HOLD ME T__T SOMEONE HOLD HIM!!!

Naomi has been demoted apparently. And Dumah is acting kinda suspicious...maybe the Empty never left her entirely

They do have an advantage over everyone else in that they know Mary is in heaven and in peace. But Dean’s emotions are still too raw right now to think that.

Dumah finds Jack. “How did you find me?”. Dumah doesn’t answer and instead tells him it wasn’t his fault what happened to Mary. And she continues telling him everything he wants to hear. This raises all the alarms (Edit after finishing the episode: How DID she find him?)

Is this the Godstiel callback? Dumah and Jack going around and killing people who tell lies about god? But what is the goal here...

...ah, making new angels. By “redisposing” humans. Sam and Dean would not like that one Jack.

Of course someone had to die horribly. No Buckleming without horrific deaths.

*Robert Singer walking by in the hospital*

Wait the worm guy survived?....And unnecessary worm out of mouth scene. - Thanks?

Jack can’t be killed. But he can go IN THE BOX dun dun dun

Wow Dean. You wann a trick Jack into the box? 

“No, what I want is for Zeppelin to get back together. What I need- what we need is to stop Jack. Big difference” want vs need, I vs We. 

Cas is obviously not gonna be on bord with this plan since he’s completely absent here.

(I feel bad for Misha. Having to film while it’s cold and raining and he gets completely drenched. The other dude at least has a hood.)

*dude walks into the heaven throne room* Please, don’t make him fall over and reveal Cas standing behind him....

*CAS THROWS HIM TO THE SIDE* LMAO

Cas is PISSED

Dumah is trying to “save heaven” to “save the world”. Cas is not having it.

Sam: “Jack we want- we need to see you” I cannot not notice these.

Dumah threatening Cas with destroying Mary’s heaven. So Cas is forced again to kill an angel, kill Dumah. :/

“I...snapped” Oh Jack. You may want to stop talking or Dean is the one who’s gonna snap next.

Indeed Dean is trying REALLY hard not to snap and kill Jack right here and now

Jack is in the box. But the music is still super intense so something’s gonna happen.

I assume since he’s stromger than an archangel he can maybe still get out.

They just left him there all alone :( And he’s calling for them :((((((

Leaving him in there in the dark will just fuck him up even more. This is not a good solution.

Cas is PISSED. Again. This time at Sam and Dean for manipulating Jack to go in the box. Same Cas.

Everything shakes. The alarm goes off. Jack escaped the box and now he is probably very angry...

Sam, looking scared “Jack?”. Well now he will defnitely not trust you again.

That was a very good episode. Only one or two scenes where you could feel it was Buckleming but other than that I really enjoyed this. Only the finale left. Ahhhhhhhhh

*Terminator music plays*

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 10x13: “Halt & Catch Fire”

Oh, I would never get in a car with a tipsy driver.

“Um, Billy, I don’t think this is the way to Taco Town.”

“What do you know? Your phone’s 3G.”

What a burn.

“Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promises” by the Avett Brothers.

“It’s freezing. Can you please turn off the air?”

“It’s not on.”

Shit.

“Janet, get out of the truck.”

“Um, how does she know my name?”

Who cares, get out!!

“Destination dead ahead.” hardy har har.

RIP Billy. Drove off a cliff.

Wha-?

“What did Cas say?”

“Uh, good news, bad news. Bad news – he discovered riverboat gambling.”

lol. Never took Cas for a gambler.

Alright, lets chill with Dean checking out college girls.

Nirvana shout outs. Nice.

“The air went full blast even though it wasn’t on and the radio went crazy and so did Trini.”

“And Trini is?”

“Ah, you have to excuse my partner. When it comes to technology, he’s a little behind. Uh…he just learned how to poke on Facebook.”

“Uh, um, Trini is the nav app we were using. It – It’s like a talking map. You’re Gen X. Right.”

Pfft.

“Okay, so Trini and everything else in the truck went all ‘Christine’.”

“Who’s Christine?”

“It’s a Gen X thing.”

Bazongo.

“Did Billy have any enemies? Anybody who might have had a beef with him?”

“Maybe his brother Joey. They fought all the time. It’s so sad. They never got to set it right.”

“Because Billy died.”

“No. Joey did. In Afghanistan.”

Possible ghost...

“Did Billy happen to have anything of his brother’s on him when he died? Uh, dog tags, a hat, something?”

“Just his pickup.”

“So the truck belonged to Joey?”

“Yeah. It was his pride and joy. Billy got it when he died, and, you know, it’s a thing.”

Oh, they know.

“So – so what’s a thing?”

“You know, the truck thing. You honor the deceased by driving their truck. Sam, they wrote a whole country song about it.”

Really, Sam? (Tho I think now he knows about the “thing”, considering I heard that the Impala won’t be driven by Sam while Dean is gone.) [After S14 premiere edit: what I heard was a bunch of baloney.]

You’re so petty, Dean.

A buttload of ectoplasm.

“Alright, so big brother didn’t get along with little brother, was pissed that he was driving his baby. I get it.”

“What are you saying? If you died and I drove your car, you’d kill me?”

That technically already happened, and Dean didn’t kill you for putting an iPod jack in the car.

The teen lingo just....embarrasses me.

That’s not even good lighting for a selfie.

810.

RIP Julie. Strangled with a computer power cord.

STOP WITH THE CHECKING OUT OF GIRLS.

Delilah.

“Everyone knew Billy. He was the President of Sigma Theta Delta.”

“STD?”

Pfft.

Taking full advantage of a college cafeteria.

“Nothing ever really gets deleted from the Internet. You knew that, right?”

“...Yeah.”

What would Dean hide...

“What’s 810?”

“Uh, it’s a… I don’t know. Maybe it’s a date.”

“Maybe it’s a time of day. Or an area code.”

Or a house number...

810 Down’s Drive.

Aww no, those are perfectly good flowers.

“My husband was killed in a car accident here nine months ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Our condolences.”

“Thank you. We were newlyweds. Never even made it to our first anniversary.”

That’s pretty damn tragic.

“Forgive me, but did you notice anything… weird after your husband’s death. Any strange disturbances or…?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

Yeah you do, you liar.

“Andrew Silver, 29-year old Spencer High School teacher killed in fatal accident. Uh, car burst into flames. Silver’s body was burned beyond recognition. And he is believed to have been killed upon impact.” Not exactly.

Delilah’s starting to panic.

“Delilah, stop. I’m serious. You better keep your mouth shut or you’re gonna have a lot more than a curse to worry about.” What are you gonna do about it?

“Work, Breed, Consume” by Against Empire.

8:10.

“Lower the tunes, brah! Trying to study.” lmao at the “brah”.

RIP Kyle. Death by decibel.

Better start fessing up, Delilah.

“Look we know you’re the one leaving the flowers. So, why don’t you just tell us what happened the night of Andrew Silver’s accident?”

“Uh…”

“Delilah, please. This is the third death in five days. Who knows who’s gonna be next.”

Her.

The “accident” as it actually happened.

“Take Me to Church” by Hozier.

How is everyone on their damn phone???

That is god awful.

‘Hey, you’re not calling the cops. 'Cause I already have a D.U.I., and if they find out I’m driving on a suspended license, I’m going to jail.” Billy was a piece of garbage.

So this episode is basically Supernatural’s take on “I Know What You Did Last Summer”, right down to the names Julie and Billy.

“You know, this might be a Shocker situation. The paper said that he died from a collision, but Deliliah says that he died from electrocution. So maybe that’s how he’s surfing. He’s using the power lines as a conduit.” Very close there, Dean-o.

How considerate.

“I stay up all night studying. Mostly to avoid the nightmares. My mom’s thrilled with my GPA, but I’m just… miserable.” It’s fueled by trauma. Yikes.

“It’s pretty crazy to obsess over someone you’ve never met.” You’re fucking telling me.

Delilah’s a good kid.

“Dean, Andrew’s not using power lines to move. He’s using Wi-Fi.” ding ding ding.

Turning off the WIFI on a college campus would cause mass panic, especially if they’re in exam times. 

Andrew’s coming.

Delilah’s gonna have to buy a new laptop, TV, and phone.

“Uh, I’m so sorry to bother you Mrs. Silver, but I have an emergency and I really need your help. Now this is gonna sound strange…”

“It’s my husband, isn’t it? Come in.”

Cutting right to the chase.

“It wasn’t too long after the accident that Andrew started contacting me.”

“Contacting you how?”

“Online. At first I thought it was a joke, that someone was playing a cruel joke on a grieving widow. But Andrew knew things, things that only he and I would know – inside jokes, the code to our alarm, my obsession with Lifetime movies. It was then that I knew I had my husband back, even if it was just online.”

I don’t blame her. She lost him too soon, she just wanted more time with him.

“When the kids at the college started dying, I thought it might be Andrew. But what was I supposed to do? Call the cops and tell them the ghost of my dead husband was picking off co-eds? But mostly, I just didn’t want to face the truth. Because I knew it was revenge that brought him back, and if I tried to stop him, that he might go away. And I didn’t want to lose my husband again.” 

Even when he’s not really your husband anymore?

Who the hell left their cellphone in the basement???

Dean texted Sam.

Smart of them to have Corey talk to Andrew.

Bye bye for good, Andrew.

Like I said, Delilah’s a good kid.

“I’m done trying to find a cure, Sammy.”

“Dean, Cas is so close.”

“To what? We don’t even know if there is a cure. So far, we’ve got nothing. We have found nothing at the Men of Letters library. Metatron may or may not know something. And maybe Cas is on to something with Cain.”

But he is!

“No, I’m not just gonna give up. I appreciate the effort, okay? I do. But the answer is not out there. It’s with me. I need to be the one calling the shots here, okay? I can’t keep waking up every morning with this false hope. I got to know where I stand. Otherwise, I’m gonna lose my freakin’ mind. So I’m gonna fight it til I can’t fight it anymore. And when all is said and done… I’ll go down swinging.”

Sam silently entering panic mode.