#cas even if he is trapped in the empty for eternity never regrets saving dean never regrets loving him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hotshotsxyz · 4 years

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15x19 Coda

[read it on AO3]

It's… over. They won. And Dean is happy, he really is. It was a near perfect ending. The sun is shining and the Earth's still turning, it's inhabitants entirely unaware of the days they'd lost. He wonders if some scientist won't figure it out, notice that the stars have moved too far for a single day. A puzzle for the decade. And Sam, Sam's practically vibrating with excitement as they draw closer to Eileen with every mile of asphalt beneath their tires.

So yeah, Dean's happy. But it's a hollow sort of happiness.

They'd won, but the cost to play had been too damn high. Dean hadn't asked Jack to bring Cas back because he didn't have to. He'd seen the flash of sadness in his eyes after bringing everyone else back; seen the near-imperceptible shake of his head when Dean took an aborted step after him as he backed away. Jack couldn’t do it.

The kid had been through enough, and Dean wasn't going to make him explain why restoring the entire world was in his power but bringing Cas back wasn't.

Instead, he'd pasted on as much of a smile as he could manage and teased Sam about seeing Eileen again so he wouldn't have to think about who they wouldn't be seeing.

Waking at all is a surprise. Cas had seen the Empty reaching out to him, had felt its icy tendrils envelop him. And he'd felt peace. Dean was safe, and he'd finally said what he'd wanted to all these years. Finally let himself feel love in its entirety. It had been glorious.

Now, he's mostly confused. The Empty is different from what Cas remembers. There's a high pitched whine that seems to come from everywhere and nowhere all at once. In the back of Cas's head, he feels presences other than his own, tugging his consciousness in several directions. With nothing else to do, he picks one at random and begins to walk.

It's well after midnight, and they're still on the road. Sam is asleep on the passenger side, but Dean isn't tired. The last song on the cassette in the tape deck had ended an hour ago, and Dean hadn't bothered to put in a new one. They're miles from any sort of civilization, and Dean has to remind himself more than once that the lack of cars around them doesn't mean everyone is gone again. Still, between that and the muted landscape surrounding them, there's little to do but think.

Before, just after Chuck had wiped the Earth clean of everyone but them, Dean had had to push it all down. Sam was spiraling, and Dean couldn't afford to sink into the stupor he usually found himself in after losing Cas.

And wasn't that a thought? He's lost Cas so many damn times, he has a 'usual' response. This time feels different, though. He feels different. Dean still aches, feels the loss like a gaping hole in his chest. He greets his grief as an old friend, wraps himself in it like a warm blanket. He knows how to survive this loss, though, because he's done it before. And for once, he wants to. Because he wants to live up to what Cas saw in him.

"Michael," Cas says, surprised. His voice sounds strange to his ears, echoless and muted by the void around them.

Perhaps the direction he'd chosen hadn't been quite as random as he'd thought.

"Castiel," Michael replies, "I – I'm sorry," he says. Had Cas not known any better, he would've thought it was Adam speaking, not Michael. The words are pained and soft, brimming with the sort of regret and sorrow that angels are rarely capable of.

"What happened?" Cas asks.

Michael shakes his head mutely and turns away. Cas blinks and he's gone. The high pitched whine remains. Cas continues on.

Dean shakes Sam awake around four in the morning, just as he pulls into a roadside motel. It's the sort they've slept in a thousand times before, stained carpet and questionable mass produced art and all. It feels almost like a homecoming.

"Time is it?" Sam asks, yawning.

"Late," Dean replies. "C'mon, I need a couple hours of shut eye before we keep going."

Sam rubs his eyes and stretches. "How far out are we?" He asks as he climbs out of the car.

Dean shrugs. "Three or four hours?" he guesses.

"That close?" Sam asks.

"C'mon." Dean gestures towards the front of the motel. "A little sleep and we'll be there by lunchtime."

Next, Cas finds Ruby. Or rather, she finds him.

'Well, whatever the hell you did it woke us all up," she says from behind him. Cas spins around to face her.

He doesn't know what to say.

"I guess I should thank you," Ruby continues. "I mean, I could do without the eternal shriek, but it's better than everything that was going on up here." She taps her forehead meaningfully.

"I don't know why we’re awake," Cas says finally.

"Ah," Ruby says. "Then I guess you still owe me." She winks, and then she too is gone. The whine continues. Although, now that he thinks about it, perhaps shriek is a more accurate description.

Dean is exhausted, but even with his eyes shut tight against the soft moonlight that filtered through the motel room's thin curtains he can't sleep. He misses the odd sounds the bunker made at night. He misses his memory foam mattress. He misses his damn nightgown and he misses- well. Best not to go there while he's trying to sleep.

After several more minutes of unsuccessful slumber, Dean sighs and swings himself out of bed. He toes on his boots as quietly as he can manage and slips out into the night. He walks around behind the motel and sits on concrete slab, back against the wall and arms resting on his knees. The night is cold and clear, the stars as bright as he's ever seen them.

For a while he just stares, tracing out the constellations he knows and making new ones in place of the ones he doesn't. Above the big dipper is a group of stars he decides to call Jack. The brightest of them make a sort of circle. Harmony, Dean thinks. Beyond that are several stars in the shape of a child's drawing of of a house. He calls that one Sam. And above it… well, Dean knows that one. Cassiopeia. He doesn't know where it got it's name, but he knows what it means to him. Cas.

His next encounter is less welcome than the first two were.

"Cassie!" Lucifer calls out gleefully. "What a lovely family reunion."

"I have nothing to say to you," Cas rumbles.

"Oh," Lucifer says, "but you'll want to hear what I have to say." He grins, but none of the mirth reaches his eyes.

"Your precious little humans are going to lose," he sing-songs. "I've made sure of it."

"You've been here longer than I have," Cas retorts.

"Dad sprung me," Lucifer replies, "and I-"

Cas pushes past him. "I have no interest in your games," he says. To his surprise, Lucifer says nothing in response.

When he turns around, the Archangel is gone.

Dean tilts his head back against the wall, and for the first time since purgatory, he prays.

"Cas," he says softly. "I don't know if you can hear me. Hell, you probably can't. I know this one was probably it. The big goodbye." Tears begin to form in Dean's eyes, and he does nothing to stop them from falling. "I wanted to say thank you," he whispers. "What you did… we saved the world because of it. Because of you. There're seven billion people out there who owe you their lives. Some of us owe it a few times over." Dean chuckles a little at that, a wet, painful sound. "I need you to know that you changed me too. Of course you did, how could you not? Whatever it is you saw in me… it's there because of you. I never thought… well, I guess we're both stupid. You said the one thing you wanted you couldn't have. Cas," Dean says, his voice breaking, "I wanted it, too." His prayer devolves into choking sobs, the kind that tear themselves from you and won't let you draw breath to replace them.

Cas feels a sharp, painful tug in his grace.

Cas, he hears in his mind. He knows that voice. Cas falls to his knees.

It isn't until the suns rays stain the horizon gold that Dean stands again. He dusts himself off and wipes at the dried tear tracks on his face. He aches, but he also feels some relief. He hadn't said it all but… he'd said enough. The rest he can keep for himself, at least for now. He slips back into the motel room where, predictably, Sam is still asleep. He steps out of his shoes and slides beneath the scratchy motel sheets. Finally, finally, he sleeps.

"Dean," Cas chokes out. The prayer bounces around his head like a trapped echo. I wanted it, too. Cas feels the wetness on his face even as his determination surges. He's awake, and he's going to find a way home. He has to.

Cas continues walking with renewed purpose, although just as directionless as before. He wanders for what felt like hours or perhaps mere minutes. There's no concept of time in the Empty; only what was and what is. Eventually, he notices that the shriek is getting louder. It suddenly seems to be coming from a specific direction. Cas turns toward it and begins to run.

The little sleep Dean gets leaves him feeling surprisingly refreshed, and they make good time the rest of the way to Eileen. Ten minutes out, and Sam is all smiles, sending her update texts for every street they pass. His happiness is contagious, and Dean finds himself smiling too. He might not have gotten everything he wanted, but dammit Sam deserves this. So does Eileen. They've both been through so much. They're good for each other.

She's waiting on the sidewalk as they pull up to the curb, and Sam's out of the car before they even stop. He runs straight to Eileen, wraps his arms around her and swings her in a circle. She lets out a high pitched squeal and, when Sam puts her down, drags him into a long kiss.

"It's over," she says softly.

"It’s over," Sam agrees.

Eileen wraps her arms back around Sam and presses her face into his shoulder.

Dean looks away. He's happy for them, he is, but it's hard to watch, knowing that he'll never – well. All that matters is that they have each other. Dean is grateful for that.

The Empty is screaming. The closer Cas gets, the more it hurts to listen to. The unending screech rattles his teeth and threatens to tear his eardrums. He keeps walking.

As he draws close, it seems to sense his presence. "You!" it shrieks, turning it's face towards him. It still wears Meg's face, but it bares an expression he's never seen on her before. "You did this!" It lunges at him, but even as he flinches back it falls short, back on it's hands and knees.

"Make it STOP," the Empty pleads. "It's so loud."

It sounds so desperate that Cas almost feels sorry for it.

"Maybe I can help you," he says, though he has no idea how.

"Please," it begs, driven far past the point of reason.

"But if I do," Cas says, "you have to help me too."

"ANYTHING," it screeches.

"Send me home."

The Empty stares up at him. Its lips curl into a snarl. "I. Can't," it says.

"Why?" Cas demands. "You've done it before."

"We made a deal," it replies. "Deals cannot be broken."

"Then I can't help you." Cas turns and begins to walk away. The determination he felt before begins to drain quickly away.

"Wait!" it screeches.

Cas turns. "I can't help you from here," he says.

"If you get back… what will you do?"

"Jack did this to you, right?" Cas verifies. The Empty screeches in anger. It's all the confirmation Cas needs. "Then I'll get him to undo it. It's the only way to put them back to sleep. For you to go back to sleep."

The Empty stares at him for a moment in silence. It nods. "It's a deal," it says. It lunges at him, and this time Cas is too slow to avoid it. It wraps itself around him and tears him open. It's like dying all over again, but a thousand times more painful. It's as if his very essence is being torn from him. As if – oh. That's exactly what it is. It's unmaking him. The Empty is for angels and demons and other celestial beings, and if he isn't one… before he has time to finish the thought, he's gone.

The Empty curls in on itself to wait. It screams.

Dean makes some bullshit excuse about finding parking and drives off, leaving Sam and Eileen to catch up. It serves the dual purpose of giving them some alone time and him some space. He drives without thinking, makes random turns onto streets he doesn't know until he finds himself at the edge of town. He parks the car and gets out.

He begins to wander on foot, walking along a dirt road that runs between two corn fields. It almost certainly leads nowhere, but he feels an irrational need to follow it, as if there's something important at the end.

And then he sees it. He swears.

He'd known they were somewhere in Illinois, but he hadn't realized they were here.

The barn is more rundown than the last time he saw it, but Dean knows it's the same one. He can feel it in his bones. He wants to let go, to fall to his knees and sob, but something in him pushes him forward. He walks until he reaches its ramshackle doors. He places his hand lightly on one.

This is stupid, he knows. There's nothing for him beyond those doors except heartbreak and longing. Still though, there's something fitting about saying goodbye where it all began. He takes in a deep breath and pushes the door open. Its hinges squeal, but he pays them no mind because the barn isn't empty.

In it's center lays a dark haired man, naked and shivering. Cas. Cas.

Dean sprints forward. He doesn't care if this is a trick, doesn't care if he's gone mad. It's Cas.

Everything hurts. Cas is cold, and disoriented and lost and the only emotion he can process is relief. Because these aren't the sort of things that an angel feels. They're what humans feel. And humans don't belong in the Empty. He hears a noise behind him, hears a sharp intake of breath, and he knows.

He's home.

Dean falls to his knees as Cas sits up and turns to face him. "Cas," he breathes. All of his energy seems to leave him at once. He reaches out with a shaking hand and stops just shy of touching Cas's cheek.

"Hello, Dean," Cas replies warmly. He presses his face into the proffered hand.

Dean chokes out a sob, and then he's pulling Cas toward him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and pressing his face into his hair. Cas returns the gesture, snaking his hands around Dean's waist. Dean feels dampness against his shoulder and knows that Cas is crying too.

"How?" Dean asks, not loosening his grip at all.

"I made a deal," Cas replies simply.

Dean feels himself tense. "Not that kind of deal," Cas reassures him. "I'll tell you more, but… not right now."

Dean pulls back a little, just far enough to look Cas in the eye. "Cas," he says, "I gotta tell you something."

Cas shakes his head softly. "I heard your prayer," Cas says. "I know."

"I didn't say it all," Dean replies.

"What's left?" Cas tilts his head in that oh-so-familiar way that Dean thought he'd never see again. He lets out another small sob.

"I love you, too," Dean says. "I'm sorry I didn't say it before, I should've said it before. But I love you, I've loved you, I will always love you. You changed me too, Cas."

"You…" Cas says, wonder in his expression.

"You can have it, Cas, of course you can have it. I'm yours."

Cas surges forward, and for the first time he takes, pressing his lips against Dean's. Dean is quick to respond though, giving as good as he gets. They spend who knows how long wrapped up in each other, until finally the need for air forces them to break the kiss. At some point, Dean's hands had wound their way into Cas's hair and he leaves them there as they breathe together.

"Dean," Cas says, and there something desperate in his voice.

"I'm with you," Dean replies.

"There's something you should know," Cas continues. "There was a cost to leaving the Empty," he says.

Cold fear washes over Dean. "What?" he asks softly.

"My grace," Cas answers. "I'm human."

Dean stares at him, open mouthed. "You're..." he starts, but doesn't know how to finish.

Cas nods. "I understand if that changes things," he says softly.

"Of course not Cas, god, of course not. I love you," Dean says. "All of you, in any form, whatever the consequences." Dean pauses for a moment, out of breath. "Are you okay, though?" he asks softly.

Cas breaks out into a wide grin. "Yes, Dean Winchester. Yes, I am."

And Dean's smiling too, so hard it hurts. "C'mon," he says, "You must be freezing." He pulls off his jacket and wraps it around Cas's shoulders. "Let's go home," he says.

"Home," Cas repeats, smiling.

And so, they do.

#destiel #deancas #spn #supernatural #i'm manifesting you guys!!#it's been literally forever since I've written anything but these last few episodes have been sending me so here I am!!#Anyway destiel is canon cas is gonna be in the last episode #deans gonna reciprocate and no one can tell me any different #hope you enjoy!#spn spoilers #abbie writes #mine #fic

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beatlejuice64 · 5 years

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Destiel Season 14: A catalog of Supernatural episodes

A catalog of each episode in Supernatural that features scenes related to Destiel. This includes scenes between Dean and Castiel, scenes with other characters that address their relationship with each other, and scenes that allude to Dean’s bisexuality.

Season 14 Summary Analysis

Cas is in a tailspin after losing Dean to Michael’s possession, and he resorts to seeking help from a demon. Cas is determined to find a way to stop Michael without killing Dean. After Dean becomes himself again, he and Cas resume their affectionate domestic behavior toward one another, along with their co-parenthood of Jack. Cas and Dean comfort each other when Jack dies, and they work together (with Sam) to bring him back. When Michael possesses Dean a second time, Cas and Sam do whatever they can to save Dean, and Cas continues to worry about Dean while Michael is trapped inside his mind. Dean becomes resigned and self-destructive after Billie (aka Death) talks to him about his fate, and he pushes Cas and Sam away. After Jack kills Mary, Dean cannot forgive Cas for hiding Jack’s mental state from him. Dean is determined to stop soulless Jack by any means necessary, but Cas still wants to save Jack, and this conflict drives a rift between the two of them. In the end, Dean can’t bring himself to kill Jack because he still considers him to be family.

My interpretation: When Dean decides to lock himself inside the Ma’lak box, Cas gets angry at him for giving up and for not talking it through with him. Cas canot bear to think of Dean trapped in an eternal torment with Michael, and he’s hurt that Dean is willing to put himself in that situation without even saying goodbye. After Jack dies and is resurrected, Castiel’s top priority shifts from Dean’s safety to Jack‘s, partly because he knows that he will most likely outlive Dean, whereas Jack could live much longer and have a more lasting impact on the world. Even after Jack kills Mary, Cas continues to be protective of Jack, and it wounds him to see Dean so fervently vengeful toward their fostered son. Sam recognizes the rift that has appeared between Cas and Dean, and he stops Cas from moving to comfort Dean at Mary’s funeral because he knows it would cause a fight. Cas has difficulty reconciling his love for Dean with Dean’s violent attitude toward Jack. Cas feels like he has to choose between Dean and Jack, and he ultimately chooses Jack. Dean’s repeated traumatic experiences with mind control harden him and make him emotionally distant from everyone, and this is only made worse when Mary is killed. Dean sees soulless Jack as a monster, and he takes it as a personal insult that Cas would defend Jack. Dean blames Cas for Jack’s actions because he’s desperate to find a scapegoat for his pent-up frustrations and repressed trauma.

14.01 Stranger in a Strange Land

Cas is so desperate to find Dean that he seeks information from a demon named Kipling.

Kipling makes a joke about Castiel’s relationship with Dean: “I’m sorry, did you just say that you lost a Winchester? Because one, that’s interesting, and two, how is it that you lost Dean? I thought the two of you were joined at the... you know, everything.”

Sam and Jack both express doubt that they’ll be able to save Dean, but Cas remains steadfast and faithful: “We are going to find Dean, and we are going to beat Michael, and we’re going to do it together. Because that’s what we do.”

14.02 Gods and Monsters

Cas references a phrase that Dean has used with him in the past: “I had myself. Just the basic me, as, uh... as Dean would say, ‘without all the bells and whistles.’”

Cas demonstrates his wholistic understanding of the human perspective when talking about Jimmy Novak: “You know, in all my thousands of years, what happened to Jimmy Novak and his family, it’s my greatest regret.”

When Jack inquires about killing Michael, Cas insists on the importance of saving Dean: “Did they find Michael?” “Yeah, they think so.” “So they’re gonna try and kill him?” “Uh, no. No, the plan is to subdue him using angel cuffs and spell work. They have to get Michael out of Dean.” “And if he doesn’t leave?” “Then they’ll try to drive him out.” “And if that doesn’t work?” “Jack...” “Cas, Michael has to be stopped.” “I know, and he WILL be, after Dean is...” “No, Dean doesn’t matter. You’re all so focused on trying to saving Dean. And I get it, I understand, but if he can’t be saved, if it comes down to him or Michael, Michael has to be stopped—caged or killed.” “And if that means that Dean dies, too?!” “Then Dean dies. I know this Michael. I’ve seen what he’s done to an entire world, and so have you. If stopping that from happening here means that Dean has to die, then... Do you think he’d want it any other way?”

14.03 The Scar

Cas is so damn happy to see that Dean is back safe (the music swells when they first see each other): “Sorry, I wanted to be there, but we figured that Michael would sense my presence, so...” “Sam told me. Ain’t no thing.”

Cas continues to worry about Dean and asks Sam how he really is: “Dean... how is he really?” “I don’t know.” “Why would Michael just give up his vessel like that?” “I don’t know.”

Dean exhibits the high level of trust he has in Cas to be willing to let him inside his head: “So, Cas, I’m gonna need you to, uh, get in my head. You know, do the whole Vulcan mind meld thing. ‘Cause if I can’t remember what happened, I need you to drag it out of me, okay?”

When Dean hurts Jack’s feelings (“You’re barely 100 pounds soaking wet”), Cas gives him a scolding look, which clues Dean in on his transgression.

When a girl asks Jack if Cas is is his dad he says, “One of them, yes.”

14.07 Unhuman Nature

While talking with Sam, Cas acknowledges that they’re all co-fathers to Jack: “You know, he’s [Dean] lost people, we’ve all lost people, but, um...” “This feels different. Losing, um... a son, feels different.”

14.08 Byzantium

Dean leaves the room while Jack is dying and Cas goes after him to remind him that Jack needs him there: “What? It’s not fair? I know that. But he needs you.”

After Jack dies, the boys hang out and get drunk together. Cas stays up with Dean longer than Sam.

When Dean wakes up with a hangover and is tactlessly blunt to Lily, Cas is visibly amused.

Cas asks Jack not to tell Sam and Dean about his deal with The Empty because he doesn’t “want them to worry.”

14.09 The Spear

Cas explains to Jack that they should have plenty of time together before The Empty takes him: “You know, The Empty said that it wouldn’t come for me until I had finally given myself permission to be happy, but with everything we have going on, with Michael still out there, I don’t see that happening anytime soon. This life may be a lot of things, but it’s rarely happy.”

Cas points out Dean’s good mood, noticing his behavior is out of the ordinary: “You seem good lately. Happy, even. We have a broken tape deck, we drove this whole way without music, and you did not complain once.” “You know, I guess I’m just fired up. I mean look, we got Jack back. When was the last time we had a big, no-strings-attached win like that?” Cas is visibly uneasy about keeping his deal with The Empty from Dean, but he doesn’t want to dash Dean’s high spirits.

14.10 Nihilism

While talking to Michael, Cas demonstrates his understanding of the value of vulnerability: “You’re confusing loyalty and compassion with weakness.”

Cas shows concern for Dean while he and Sam are in Dean’s mind: “So much trauma in Dean’s mind. So many scars.”

Sam and Cas use their knowledge of Dean to know that that they need to look for him in his good memories: “If Michael wanted to keep Dean placated...” “Dean thrives on trauma. I mean, he’s had to his whole life, right? It keeps him alert, keeps him ready, but if I wanted to distract Dean, I’d give him something he’s never had before.” “Contentment.” “Exactly.”

Michael mocks Dean’s relationship with Cas to throw him off: “You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he ‘gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition,’ or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other.”

14.12 Prophet and Loss

After failing to talk Dean out of shutting himself in the Ma’lak box, Sam calls Cas for help. Cas is doing everything he can to figure out a way to save Dean, and even offers to try talking to Dean himself: “Sam, maybe if I spoke with Dean...” “It wouldn’t matter, believe me. I’ve never seen him like this. He won’t listen to me. He just... no. If we don’t find some way, Dean’s gone.”

Cas is excited to hear Dean’s voice when Dean calls him, and he tries to convince Dean not to go through with his plan: “Dean! It’s so good to hear from you.” “Okay. Well, good. Uh, listen, Cas, uh, Sam and I are workin’ this case...” “You’re working a case. That is so good to hear. So I assume that means you’re not going through with it, because I have to say, Dean, this plan of yours, it was born of desperation, not reason.” “My plan.” “I know that I’m not supposed to know what I know, but...” “Look, I’m fine with my plan, okay? We can talk about my plan later.” “Dean, you are making a terrible mistake. ... We need to have a conversation.” “Look, I really gotta handle this right now, okay? So thank you, and uh, it’s good to hear your voice.”

Cas calls Dean out for being dismissive and self-destructive: “What happened to him [Donatello], that was my fault. It was necessary, but doesn’t mean I don’t regret it. It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that there could’ve been another way.” “I know the feeling.” “Oh, no. No, please don’t compare this with your suicidal plan. Just stop!” “Okay. Alright, why don’t we talk about that later?” “Because according to your plan, there won’t be a later.” “Cas, if you were a friend of mine, then you will understand that I have to do this, and you won’t try to stop me. You think this is easy on me? It has to be done.” “So then, this is goodbye?”

Cas is frustrated that Dean has given up: “Dean, if there’s a spark, a hope, then I have to try. YOU taught me that.”

14.14 Ouroboros

Cas recognizes Dean’s struggle and genuinely wants to know how he is doing. Dean opens up about his experience: “Hey, Dean?” “I’m fine.” “What you’re doing, even just sitting here and having a cup of coffee, is a Herculean feat. I can’t imagine the willpower it’s taking to keep Michael imprisoned. Are you really fine?” “I don’t know, Cas. But that’s what I’m supposed to say, right? ‘I’m fine,’ keep on movin’? It’s what we all say.” “No, Dean.” “Okay. There’s this pounding in my head. It never stops. Michael’s in there, and he is fighting hard to get out. And I can’t let my guard down, not for a second. I’m barely even sleeping.” “Well, that’s not sustainable.” “No, no. It’s probably not, but no point in complainin’ about it. It’s on me.” “No, it’s on US. We are here to help you.” “I know. I know that, and I appreciate that, I do. Look, before the kid gets back... I know I agreed to give you guys time.” “Hey, Dean, and we will find a solution.” “Okay, but if... if you don’t, we still have plan B.” “Dean, come on.” “Coffin. Ocean. Done.”

Cas gives Dean a scolding look when Dean blows off his concern.

When Jack asks what A.V. Club means, Dean teases Cas about being an A.V. Club member.

Dean makes a joke about Castiel’s sex appeal: “Somehow he knows you, but you’re not standing alone. Why doesn’t he mention me?” “Maybe you’re not his type.”

While talking with Jack, Cas exhibits the deep respect and affection he has for Dean and Sam, and for humanity: “You know, Sam and Dean, they’re human, and they’re very extraordinary, brave, special humans, but they’re still humans. And humans burn bright, but for a very brief time, compared to, you know, things like us. And eventually, they’re gone, even the very best ones, and we have to carry on. It’s just... it’s part of growing up.” “Losing people?” “Yes.” “What’s the point?” “The point?” “What’s the point of being a cosmic being if everyone I care about is just gonna leave?” “The point is that they were here at all, and you got to know them, you... when they’re gone, it will hurt, but that hurt will remind you of how much you loved them.” “That sounds awful.” “It is, but it’s also living. So when Dean wakes up—and he will wake up—we just have to remember to appreciate the time that we all have together now.”

To prevent Jack from burning off more of his soul, Cas convinces Jack not to use his powers to heal Dean.

14.15 Peace of Mind

Case and Dean bicker in the kitchen about their son, like an old married couple: “You were right. Jack is struggling. And I’ve tried, but...” “Why do you think he’ll talk to me?” “Well, because he looks up to you. And his soul... I mean, you’ve seen this before.” “No, no. No, see, I was not great with Sam, you know, when he was, uh...” “But Jack’s soul isn’t completely gone, at least I don’t think so. We just don’t know how much is left.” “Well, how am I supposed to figure that out?” “I don’t know! Just talk to him. Get him to open up. And then, sleep until the cows come home.”

14.18 Absence

In a flashback, Cas demonstrates his concern for Dean and Sam while talking with Mary, and she recognizes his protective presence: “I know you know this, Mary, but, um, Sam and Dean, they’re glad to have you back. Whatever you still have to deal with and however long it takes, you should know they’re happy. Finally they don’t have to be so, um... so alone.” “Castiel, they were never alone.”

Dean is angry at Cas for not telling him and Sam about Jack: “We don’t know what happened, but I swear, if he did something to her, if she is... then you’re dead to me.” “Dean.” “No, he knew. He knew something was wrong with the kid. He knew it! And he didn’t tell us! He didn’t even tell us!”

Cas is ashamed of his lack of foresight, and Dean is not willing to forgive him this time: “I was scared. I believed in Jack for so long, I... I believed that he was good. I knew that he would be good for the world, and he was good for US. My faith in him, it never wavered, and then I saw what he did. It wasn’t malice, it wasn’t evil. It was like Jack saw a problem, and in his mind, he just solved it with that snake. What he did wasn’t bad. It was the absence of good, and I saw that in him. But we were a family, and I didn’t want to lose that, so I thought I could fix it on my own, felt like it was my responsibility. So I left, and I didn’t tell you. If I could go back and just talk to him right then and there, I would. But I can’t, Dean. I failed you. And I failed Jack. And I failed...” “No, no. Don’t even say it. Don’t even say her name.”

At Mary’s funeral pyre, Cas moves toward Dean to comfort him, but Sam stops him and shakes his head. Cas stays where he is, looking forlorn.

14.19 Jack in the Box

After Mary’s funeral, Dean goes off on his own to cry in the woods.

When Dumah threatens to end the happiness of Mary and John Winchester in Heaven, Cas doesn’t hesitate to kill her immediately.

When Cas finds out Dean and Sam locked Jack in the Ma’lak box, he gets angry and refuses to go along with it. He argues about it with Dean: “Even after hearing what I said, you wanna keep Jack sealed in a living death?” “He agreed to it. Because deep down I think he knows it’s best.” “No. You’re doing what Dumah... you are manipulating him. What? You just wanna forget about him?” “I wish I could forget about him! After what he did? And you know what he can do. This is our only play.”

14.20 Moriah

After Jack escapes the Ma’lak box, Cas is still angry about the Winchesters’ manipulation, and he and Dean continue fighting about Jack: “You should never have tried to lock him away.” “You know what? You’re right. I never wanted to put him in that damn box. I wanted him dead.” “Dean!” “He’s dangerous, Cas, and you knew it! You’ve known it for a long time! But that’s okay. You know why? Because me and Sam, we’ve killed just about everything there is. And this, Jack, oh we’ll find a way, because he’s just another monster.” “You don’t mean that.” “The hell I don’t.” Cas walks away furious.

While talking with Chuck, Cas remains determined to save Jack, and Dean continues to push back against Castiel’s optimism: “Stop, Cas. You heard him. This is the only way.” “And Billie said the only way to defeat Michael, was to lock YOU in a box. There has to be another way.” “Well, there’s not. Now, I know you don’t like it, and I don’t really care. ‘Cause you just heard it from God himself that this is the only thing that can kill Jack, so either get on board or walk away.” Cas walks away.

Dean approaches Jack to kill him, but can’t bring himself to pull the trigger.

Cas is distraught after Chuck kills Jack, but he is able to compose himself in order to fight the monster horde with Dean and Sam.

#destiel #dean x castiel #dean winchester #castiel #supernatural #spn #deancas

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mittensmorgul · 6 years

Text

The TNT loop is swinging through the middle of s4 today, and something in 4.15 hit me right in the chest in relation to 14.14.

Cas’s talk with Jack, about the inevitability of human death, and the fact they as cosmic beings will continue to exist long after their human loved ones are gone, which I transcribed in this post:

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183306722530/yes-hi-hello-excuse-me-what-when-micheal

then went into a bit more detail on this post:

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183308093655/can-someone-please-explain-to-me-why-cas-is-acting

and had a OH NO MY HEART moment and made this post, when I realized how what Cas is trying to convince Jack of sounds horrifyingly similar to what the Empty tried to convince him of:

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183321034895/i-was-just-rereading-my-own-post-and-screamed-out

Going back to 13.04, and the Empty’s insistence that there’s nothing for Cas back on Earth:

Cosmic Entity: Come on, Castiel! Wouldn't you rather be a fond memory than a constant, festering disappointment? Just let's lay down. Let's just try and sleep. Hmm? Think about it. Infinite peace, yes? No regrets. No pain. Kiddo, save yourself.

Which now seems like the opposite side of the coin from what Cas tells Jack in 14.14, that the two of them will be the ones left alive when their loved ones move on. That they will be the ones holding on to those “fond memories” long after their human family has gone on to infinite peace.

And yeah, this doesn’t take into account Cas’s deal with the Empty that’s unspoken between him and Jack in that scene, but they both know it exists, and why he made it, leaving Jack the additional horror of potentially living out long past Cas, alone, the way Michael described to him in 14.09. Which is just plain horrifying, right? But that is the unspoken undercurrent to their conversation. They just can’t see any way past it, or any alternative yet. At least not aside from Jack’s willingness to sacrifice himself to avoid that existential horror.

But back to the point here: way back in 14.15, the little boy who died and didn’t want to move on when Tessa came to escort him to Heaven was experiencing exactly this sort of horror. He was trapped there, and his continuing presence was only hurting his mother and preventing her from being able to let go.

TESSA: Do you see how unhappy she is? COLE: That's why I want to stay with her. TESSA: As long as she can feel you, she'll be in pain, because she can't let go. Because you won't let go of her. COLE: Why won't anybody tell me what's on the other side? TESSA: Maybe nobody wants to ruin the surprise. COLE: That's not an answer. DEAN: She won't answer you, Cole. Reapers never do. But trust me. Staying here is a whole lot worse than anything over there. COLE: Why? DEAN: Because one day, your family will be gone, and there'll be nothing left here for you. It's okay to be scared. COLE: I'm not scared. DEAN: We're all scared. That's the big secret. We're all scared.

ONE DAY YOUR FAMILY WILL BE GONE AND THERE’LL BE NOTHING LEFT HERE FOR YOU.

This is the agony Cas can’t face. He can say the words, but he can’t even conceptualize the possibility that Dean would not be fine. Because Cas might be a cosmic being, but he’s become far too human to distance himself from the from the feelings of loss and pain that would come from being left behind, alone, forever, to wander the cosmos like an abandoned ghost.

ETA: heck I forgot the point of this, which is Tessa’s conversation with Dean after Cole is released to Heaven. Because as a reaper, she KNOWS what the suffering of living on past loved ones is, what a curse it is to walk the earth alone for eternity is, and what it means for a ghost of a human (which now applies to Castiel, taking into account all of his doorways to doubt that he begins talking about in the very next episode, 4.16, and expressing a true human attachment to Dean that called his loyalty to Heaven into question among his superiors as he contemplated rebellion to side with humanity):

TESSA: I've been around death from the get-go. You know what I see most? Lies. "He's in a better place." "At least they're together now." You all lie to yourselves, Dean, 'cause like you said, deep down, you're all scared. Stop lying to yourself, Dean.

So I’m gonna apply this to Cas in s14 now. Stop lying to yourself.

#spn s14 spoilers #spn 14.14 #spn 4.15 #spn 14.09 #s14 meta rewatch #spiders georg of the tnt loop #castiel winchester #spn 13.04 #spn 14.08 #throwing that one in there for cas's deal... >.>#the empty entity #spn 4.16

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