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thecandywrites · 3 years

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Burn Without You Chapter 11

Ok, I am not trying to appropriate Gypsy culture by using images of Gypsy caravans/carraiges, I just visually think they’re beautiful and appropriate for the story I’m trying to tell and give it a sense of aestetic and give it a snse of romantic history even though our world’s history has given Gypsies and by extension the Romani people some horrible and unfounded prejudice and hatred that was completely undeserved and unfair.

So please don’t come for me over this. I just think they’re visually stunning while giving a touchstone of reality in a fantasy world and setting which is why I chose to use them and try to give a sense of a time period as well.

Also- Messengerari- a mirror on one side, on the back, a keyboard to “type in” the address, face time and zoom in a fantasy world.

Now comes the confrontation we’ve been dreading and everyone’s reactions.

Chapter 11

When you and the rest of caravan finally arrived at the first campsite later that evening you pulled the whole caravan into a one big circle around the fenced in herds of animals while all the grasses that had been cut earlier were dry enough to be bundled together to make bales of hay while each household got to work finishing the preparations for the came and began making dinner for the whole group.

Daon and the envoy noticed that all the brides and even Ashurah seemed a little down and in low spirits which all of you excused was homesickness kicking in so quickly before you had the brides and Ashurah all gather around a fire and share funny stories or memories of their childhood to lift their spirits and start to bond with each other which helped to a degree as you ate what had been freshly hunted and roasted over the fire, which for you- was a stuffed pheasant while the other brides ate their choice cuts of the wild game that had been hunted that day while the rest was used to feed the envoy and the rest of the households.

For you, the stuffed and roasted pheasant was close enough to the stuffed and roasted pigeon you grew up eating. It was something small and rather easy on your stomach since you weren’t really all that hungry as all of you tried your best to rest and relax since the caravans would be ready to travel an hour after sunrise and would only be stopped to rest for an hour or two before sunset as the brides had other foods in their little houses to make themselves lunch to eat as well as snacks on the way from campsite to campsite.

After you ate your little roasted pheasant, you fed your leftovers to the kitten, Farri, that had been gifted to you and your little home since each little house came with a set of guard dogs and a cat, usually a kitten who was well passed nursing stage so that it could hunt any mice that tried to make it into the little house as once you were done eating you had your kitten in your lap and pet it affectionately, happy to have a companion animal while the warriors usually also had guard dogs, both to guard the camp and guard the herds and herd the herds and help hunt too but their guard dogs were giant sized too to go along with their masters while the bride’s guard dogs were usually smaller by comparison but loyal to the bride since you had been spending the last two and a half weeks since you accepted the offer bonding with all three animals so that they could come when you called them by name. And your guard dog’s names were Enzo and Sienna.

But the guard dogs were trained, one to stay up and keep watch during the night, and the other to keep the bride warm in her bed at night and slept with the bride while staying awake and guarding the bride during the day while the night shift guard dog slept in the little house on wheels during the day. Enzo was your night watch dog, Sienna was your day guard dog.

“So do we really have to wait another day to hear about this damned vote business from the Sultanate Quarter?” Ashlighn murmured.

“Yes, because I want all of us to be a fair distance away from Dorierra so that Dorrierra stays safe, this group stays safe and the envoy doesn’t do anything stupid because we all know that the warriors will kill the envoy if the envoy decides to turn on Dorierra.” You whispered back.

“Oh so the vote was about Yekmeni then.” Ashlighn realized, keeping her voice to a low whisper as the other brides leaned forward in their chairs to overhear the conversation.

“Yup and once it’s explained, there’s…going to be some tension and disconnect and all kinds of hurt feelings on all sides and I actually expect that after tomorrow, no one will want anything to do with each other and I wanted at least the first night to be a good and peaceful one, even if it’s bittersweet. Because we are all getting our first taste of homesickness and hopefully by tomorrow or even the day after that or even by the end of the week, we’ll eventually settle into this new way of life for the next three to four months until we get to Yekmeni and then…who knows what we could be walking into. But I wanted all of us to work together to make ourselves a team and I want all of us to glean what we can from the envoy about Yekmeni, about their clan and about their way of life, their traditions, everything.” You urged them.

“So we’re not blindsighted when we get there.” Serhan finished for you.

“Exactly.” You nodded.

That night you cuddled with your kitten while your dog slept behind your legs as you tried to mentally play out tomorrow’s events, what you would say, how you would say it, you had spent most of your day writing your thoughts down so that they were organized and you could explain the complexity of the situation with clarity and as much grace as you could and still be truthful but with discretion so as not to offend them too much.

The next day your legion seemed especially keenly aware that you were anxious as they seemed to put the whole army on high alert before the General himself left his second in command to stay with Sunco while he came back to you since through the mental feeds from his captains, he narrowed it down that you were the root cause of the alert anxiousness.

“Why are you so anxious Audrey?” He asked you in a curious but gentle and rather comforting way.

“Come inside,” you urged him as he readily handed your Captain who was driving your house carraige- the reins to the griffin so that it would walk beside your home as he hopped from the back of the griffin to the front ‘doorstep’ as he came into the interior of your home since there was a door between the front of the carriage and the rest of the house before one would climb the few steps up from the bottom of the stoop to the high seat above the carriage as he barely fit inside the door and simply sat on a stool but still in a sitting position he was still eye level with you as you were grateful for the extra large house so that you would both be in the space comfortably.

“So, as you know, a few weeks ago, the envoy came and began the moura bride process which came with an ongoing trade deal, and they held open invitation in the Dorierran High Council Court. I was the first bride in and I agreed and I do not regret my decision, however the second bride in was Rasime, who blew up at the offer because Yekmeni is held by orcs, and with Dorrierran history with orcs…” You grimaced slightly.

“Ah, I see.” Thobin nodded in understanding.

“So then Rasime…” You began as you recounted the events to him as he sat and listened attentively.

“So now, I have agreed to explain all this to the Ambassador and the rest of the envoy and I know they are going to be upset, if not very offended and I know that your army will defend Dorierra if the envoy decides to turn on us. But at the same time I and the other brides can’t afford for that to happen. If it was just me that was going, I would have left the day after the vote and never looked back because when I looked into Lukher’s eyes I saw a friend, I saw someone who had so much potential to be so much more than that, and I saw..everything I never knew I always wanted..I want to see Lukher and I want to make it to Yekmeni, but I also don’t want every bride and the whole envoy to be against me over this.” You explained.

“I see, so this is why you are so anxious?” He asked.

“Yes, sorry for any effect it’s had on the army.” You apologized as you finally slumped down onto your sofa and ran your hands over your face.

“It’s ok. Your reaction and your fear at the knowledge that you will face this confrontation tonight, is perfectly natural and understandable. I swore an oath to your grandparents and parents to protect you and I will. If Yekmeni is still what you want, then I will send everyone else home and I will take you there myself and stay with you until we know one way or another how this will turn out. I’m never going to abandon you Audrey. I’m on your side. I will make sure that each and every single griffin is grounded so that even if things get ugly between you and the envoy, they can not fly to Dorierra and not pose a threat. And we are still close enough that turning this caravan around won’t be a big deal and it will not be seen as a failure. But simply as a complication that was unavoidable. You’ll be ok. I will be with you and I will help explain this with you.” He offered before you simply hugged him as he hugged you back as tightly as he dared and pet your head and your back until you seemed to calm down and your anxiety melted away as General Thobin smiled softly as the feeds from the Commanders and Captains seemed to reflect your now relaxed mental state.

“Thank you Thobin.” You thanked him, grateful tears still rimming your eyes before the whole army seemed to relax and blow out a breath of relief before you withdrew and showed him what you had written down as he gave you feedback about what to tell and what details to perhaps leave out and that if the envoy really pries, he would reveal those details himself as you formulated a plan of how you were going to explain this.

Finally when the caravan stopped at the next camp site, Thobin wouldn’t leave your side and made sure that the army acted nonchalantly while they “attended” to the griffins before yourself, the envoy and all the brides gathered around one large main fire.

“So are we going to hear this explanation now?” Sunco asked.

“Yes, but first I need to explain some history, you see about 45 years ago, Tahir, Cabbar and Arjun which at the time were all Sultanate States that shared boarders with each other so that like a pretzel and the three had always been allies because they were in a mountain range valley, however they all fell, because gray blight attacked all the crops in all three kingdoms, and the green plague seemed to ravage the people, and the survivors felt that these were signs from the gods that the current people in power needed to be overthrown. So all three had an uprising from the people and the common people turned on the royal families. Thobin along with this same legion that surrounds us now, were tasked with rescuing my grandparents and my parents when they were only small children, the same with Serhan’s parents and grandparents as well as Merrattah’s whose parents were barely toddlers and bring them all back to Dorierra for their safety, it’s a protection that every moura bride has a right to, that she and her children, that if all else fails, they will get rescued. These warriors around us only had a day to prepare and formulate a plan and the stoning ceremony was very rushed but they successfully completed their mission and thankfully our grandparents and parents were saved from being massacred in their own palaces. Since then, the last report that was given when my eldest brother was born was that githyanki had moved in and turned what was left, to rubble, and the people, without law or order had nothing but chaos but that the people were completely against another Sultanate State, especially one whose places would be taken by more mouras and even though there was an uprising and they turned on us, they were the ones offended that we left when under that threat and instead blamed us for abandoning them.” You explained.

“Well that doesn’t make any sense at all.” Sunco frowned.

“No it doesn’t, a person may be smart, but people when in large groups can be dumb, panicky and dangerous. Especially when they are blinded by pain and anger and loss.” You countered.

“Well that’s true.” Sunco had to nod in agreement to that sentiment.

“So when that happened, all those who had once been a private pool for those three Sultanate States- and you’re talking each Sultan had a Dowager Sultana, a Sultana Supreme who is his primary spouse and then a harem of wives and concubines which could number anywhere from a few dozen to hundreds of wives and concubines and hundreds of children and even their servants, so it’s a very large group of people for each state which was a huge undertaking for this legion and the others who are taking care of Serhan and Merrattah even now- to keep everyone together and safe and hidden from the rioting masses who wanted all of them dead, even the little children because they had a birthright to the throne technically and even those that were not moura but in the harems got saved too because the Sultan was moura therefore their children were moura and thus had this safety net under them as well.” You explained as Sunco nodded as Serhan and Merrattah both nodded in agreement with what you were saying as even their captains and commanders were all nodding in agreement too.

“So for whose of us who had the misfortune to have that shared past, we have all been reclassified from being a private pool class or status to open class which meant that I and all my friends received offers from all over the world, and those that had ties to the other Sultanate States, kept their private pool status but those three Sultanate States that fell, were the largest of all of them so it was like half of the whole quarter lost their status. So the entire quarter was split into two, one half being open, one half being a closed private pool.” You continued.

“So because of this change, the offers offered to the open class portion of the Sultanate Quarter have not been good, my best friend Vasha, she was given a false offer, meaning what was written on the paper was deliberately misleading and vague and when she arrived to her destination, what she found is an old man four times her age, who sexually uses her to rid himself of diseases he continues to pick up from his many whores and has more bastards than he can count but every child he has tried to sire from “a legitimate mother” have all died, “mysteriously” which basically meant that they were murdered because all the mothers of the bastards, as long as there is no clear line of succession, that means that their children, even though they are not legitimate, who have now grown up and more than ready to lay claim to their father’s fortune and land and noble title and all these lovers who actively sabotage her and practically mercilessly torture her for being “the hired cure” to her lord’s sicknesses that should have killed him before my friend was even born. She actively has to hide from him in the castle where excrement is poured right outside the window of the castle, where the local river is used as a lavatory so there is no clean water anywhere, so that means that the only things to drink are wine because even the water to be used to make ale is toxic. Rats infest the place and outnumber the people thousands to one. Bugs live in her clothes and bed and they throw hay on the floor to cover up the filth instead of actually cleaning it…” You began to describe with a shudder.

“Oh Lord Whitcomb.” Ashlingn realized.

“Yeah, Lord Whitcomb.” You confirmed.

“He’s gone through four moura brides, every last one has died of heartbreak and heart failure over the deaths of their children at the hands of his mistresses and he keeps getting another based on a technicality from his original contract.” Ashlighn expounded.

“But sadly he and his situation are, according to reports that have been recieved so far, is not unusual in Europa right now.” You began.

“Sadly no, and he’s not even the worst case. Which is why we were so keen on this match, any place is better than Europa right now and every match that’s given to the generalley quarter is like that and mostly from around there.” Lavena added.

“Yeah, I can see and understand that and honestly, I don’t blame any of you one bit if that was your motivation for saying yes to this match just to avoid that.” You allowed as the generalley brides gave you appreciative smiles before you turned your attention back to Sunco.

“However, you also should know that while Dorierra would not be what it is without our native orcs of the eight clans that surround us and protect us, we hold our native orcs in very high regard because the relationship has been built very strongly over the centuries but any other clan of orcs that we don’t know, it gives us all pause because the history of orcs in general since the convergence is they are a predatory and warring species, and unstable, clans can rise and fall like waves of the sea, or so we have heard. And that is not a judgement on you or the Aki-Aya clan, it’s just…that’s the general held belief.” You tried to delicately explain.

“Well, you’re not wrong, that’s the way it is on the interior of our continent.” Sunco had to admit.

“Thank you for seeing that and at least admitting to that, and not be offended by that.” You thanked her with relief.

“Yeah, I can understand everyone’s reluctance. Especially if you think all other orcs are as big as your native ones but who aren’t nearly as nice. I would be terrified too.” Huda had to admit.

“Thank you so much for trying to understand this, I was really worried you would all be offended over this.” You admitted.

“I know it’s a generalization and while you have proven yourself over and over to us, you have yet to really see how we can prove to you how well you will be treated and with as much dignity and respect you deserve. The Aki-Aya clan is very distinct from all others and while we know that, since we are so far away, there would no other way for anyone else to know that we are different and you’ll see it for yourself when we finally make it to Yekmeni.” Sunco reassured you as you blew out a breath of relief as your legion seemed to do the same which made Sunco giggle just a little.

“Your legion is very closely linked to your mental and emotional state, all day they have been especially anxious and on guard, I just thought they were always alerted to wolves or something. But to know that all of it came from you, I wish you would have told me about this sooner so that you wouldn’t have to be so anxious or suffer from it.” Sunco offered.

“Well I wanted at least one night of peace under our belt on the road and I didn’t want to offend you. Especially if we’re going to be in close quarters from here until we get to Yekmeni and even when we get there, I’d imagine we would still hopefully remain close.” You offered hopefully.

“Oh absolutely, Clan Chief Wardeen is my brother and we are a very close knit family we will always see each other and please, count all of us as your friends and family.” Sunco encouraged you.

“Well, after I explain the feathers, you may want to take that back…” You warned her gently with a wince.

“Ok..so tell me about the feathers then.” Sunco invited as her brows knit in concentration.

“Ok so again, I have to go back to the chain of events and what happened that led up to that incident at the Cisora.” You began again with a deep breath and a steady slow exhale before Serhan and Merrhatta both reached over and took your hands in theirs and squeezed your hands comfortingly which you were grateful for.

“Ok. So what happened is immediately after I came into the courtroom and held an audience with you and the High Council and one look at Lukher and I was sold and even now I can’t remember what he was even wearing. All I can remember are those gorgeous dark eyes with kindness behind them and that super adorable baby griffin. That had to be the most darling baby animal I’d ever seen in my life.” You recalled with a bashful smile and a pretty blush which Huda and Sunco and the rest of the envoy thought was absolutely adorable before your face became more somber.

“But back to the feathers. So Rasime, she was the second bride in, she was very offended that an offer, was from orcs period and it’s not a prejudice against any of you personally, but against non native orcs in general. She came out of that audience courtroom and practically screeched at the top of her lungs in that entry way that had been stuffed to max capacity of brides and their mothers and their ladies in waiting who were all there to hear the offer too and when she practically seethed and foamed at the mouth in rage that it was an offer from an orc half way across the world and from there she let every prejudice, every mistrust, every hatred she ever held against outsiders all combine and twist into something hideous. She was the reason that almost everyone else immediately withdrew from even hearing the offer.” You explained as Sunco and the envoy seemed to remember and connect that together in their memories.

“However she didn’t stop there. Her father was- at the time- the head Elder of our Quarter’s Council of Elders who had political power and pull in both the open class half and the closed private pool half because the Council of Elders has elders on both sides. So he strongarmed the rest of the elder body into choosing a side and drew up a law on his own. And called the entire quarter to the quarter’s court to cast a vote on the new law and by then, Rasime and her family and all the others had whipped the entire quarter into a frenzy and their hatred was like poison in the minds and hearts of everyone they knew. And she and her family turned our entire quarter against me, Serhan, Merrattah and our families because we agreed to the match. And Rasime’s father Hasim- put the whole quarter to a vote- the vote itself was either to condemn us for accepting the offer, or to condone us for accepting the offer. Everyone over the age of 16 cast their vote while all others younger than 16 simply had to go along with what their parents decided to vote.” You began with a heavy sigh.

“But according to Oathresh, part of the trade deal between Dorierra and Yekmeni is a portion of the value of the goods that are traded, sold and exchanged- goes to our families, and to our quarter. So all of the Sultanate Quarter’s High Councilors were there including two others as objective High Councilors, or neutral ones rather. And all five of the High Councilors were against the vote, and were against all of it but by then, everyone had made up their minds so instead of telling them that there was an income or incentive attached to the match. The High Councilors had the vote go through and it was decided in the elder’s room and away from the whole quarter’s court that everyone was free to choose how they wanted to vote, but whoever voted to condemn us would be forfeiting their percentages of the trade and their percentages would be going to those who condoned it and didn’t have any issue with the match. But that detail would only be revealed after the vote was done, because they didn’t want anyone to switch sides only because money would be involved. And so that’s what happened, everyone cast their vote. And the vote to condemn us- passed with the condemners- at the time- having the majority, whether they were in a private pool class or open class.” You explained.

“Well that’s fair, if they were going to look down on you for taking a leap of faith, they definitely should never profit from something they have already condemned you for.” Sunco made a disgusted face.

“Yes, I completely agree and those High Councilors took very extensive notes of who cast what vote. And after the announcement that those who had just voted to condemn us, that there was an incentive with it and possible income- half of them instantly and immediately regretted it because they are greedy sons of bitches.” You confessed which got the brides and the envoy and even Thobin snorted a laugh at that.

“And if that had been the end of it, that would have been enough, but sadly it didn’t end there. With the vote- there was a law that was passed with the vote and the law was ‘any bride who agrees to a match of a second class being’- which most of them- that’s how they view non native orcs, again, please don’t be offended, they are hypocritical bastards, because Dorierra was built by our native orc clans, our native orcs protect us and risk their lives to save ours and go on missions to make sure we are safe or save us when things turn to shit so it’s not fair or sane by any means but they are stubborn and wouldn’t see reason and wouldn’t see past their own prejudices to see that you are clearly so much more and are not second class beings at all, you have intelligence and style and culture and traditions that I’m sure are just as rich as our own, I just am not familiar with them all yet.” You tried to appease the envoy which worked as they all smiled approvingly and appreciatively at you and nodded in agreement to what you were saying.

“However the law stipulated that any bride who agreed or would ever agree in the future to a match with “a second class being” immediately forfeits all rights, nobilities, freedoms and safeties that naturally come with being a moura. To the extent that we and any children we may ever have by any orc or whoever or whatever else they might classify as “second class” or “lower class” whether that person might be Lukher or any other down the line of succession or whatever, that we are never welcome back home, and if Yekmeni falls, we are to be completely abandoned and no one will come to save us and also rejected us to the point that they refused to hold our own Cisora in our quarter. Which is why it was held in the Dorierran Capital’s Main Square instead which was the High Councilor’s answer back to the vote.” You bravely confided before Daon groaned and held his head in his hands as he ran his hands over his face in frustration.

“That’s what she meant.” Daon growled angrily in nadasi.

“I’m sorry?” You asked him.

“Your sister, Maisarra, I offered for her to come along with you, to see Yekmeni herself, and she told me that ‘when you said yes to Lukher- that you were choosing him over your family, pver your quarter, over your country and that you weren’t going to look back and that you didn’t regret your decision’, at the time I didn’t fully understand why she said it like that. But now I do, it’s because of that vote and that law. No wonder everyone else was weary of us at first and Rasime and those who agreed with her treated us with hatred, no wonder you were sad and no wonder you’ve been anxious and have been trying so hard to stay composed, because that was the choice you were forced to make because Rasime and her family were prejudiced against orcs in general. This makes much more sense now.” Daon managed to say in the common tongue as he was kicking himself for not seeing that sooner.

“Of for fuck’s sake!” Huda scoffed.

“Yeah, well, that’s why Rasime gave me and the other brides vulture feathers, because she thinks we are all desperate vultures, eating rotting corpses instead of an eagle or any other raptor who actively hunts fresh kills or any other bird with pride or dignity.” You added.

“Ah, I see, so that’s what the vulture feathers represented, they were more of a symbol than a physical token.” Sunco realized.

“But that’s not where it ends.” Serhan hinted with a wince.

“No, I wish that was the end of it, but it’s not, the law that was passed in my quarter, that condemned me and Serhan and Merratah and our families, the laws that accompanied the vote- they got passed around to all the other quarters.” You bravely informed them.

“What?!” The generalley brides jumped to their feet as you, Serhan and Merrattah all winced at their outburst but instantly scooted closer together as you sat on a fallen log.

“Are you shitting me? You have got to be joking, that legislature got passed to the other quarters?!” Lila demanded.

“Yeah, whether it has passed in the other quarters or not, I don’t know.” You confessed.

“So we, unknowingly also chose Lukher over our own families and our own quarters, much less our country of origin, that if we get pregnant, we will be cut off from the whole country and that if Yekmeni falls, we are all on our own?!” Lavena snarled angrily.

“Only if the law got passed to the other quarters and passed in the other quarter’s courts. It may not have reached anyone else’s quarter yet.” Merrattah tried to defend.

“But even if it did or even if it does. That’s why I gave all of your families messengeraries so that you could keep in touch with your families and hopefully it won’t pass in the other quarters, Langashi and Jenobi both swore to us that they would do everything they could to make sure the law gets repealed and turned over and doesn’t spread through the whole of Dorierra.” You tried to comfort them.

“But the Sultanate Quarter only keeps three High Councilors in the High Council, three of over a hundred, they are in the minority! We only have one High Councilor, so four, four against 125 others!” Ashlighn reminded you.

“Yeah, that’s..that’s unfortunately true.” You nodded as you began to tear up, feeling incredibly horrible for this whole situation.

“Oh fuck.” Ashurah cursed herself as she growled angrily too which actually turned Irelu on a bit.

“I gotta, go, I gotta call home.” Ashurah immediately excused herself.

“Me too.” All the generalley brides agreed as they immediately practically ran to their homes and slammed their doors as you, Serhan and Merrattah all winced again at the sounds of their doors slamming as you could hear them all practically seething from inside their carriages as you hung your head and let your shoulders sag in defeat as did Serhan and Merrattah.

“See why I didn’t want to tell everyone?” You asked with a wincing grimace to Sunco and her entourage as they gave themselves more meaningful looks.

“So let me get this right, Dorierra claims they need our adani gold and adani steel and adani air stones and adani breadseed and wants monthly exchanges of these things to be delivered upon your arrival, but it condemns the very brides who agreed to the match that made the deal possible to begin with.” Sunco realized.

“Well, that’s why I said that my high councilors are at least working on overturning in my quarter and trying to stop the law’s spread so that the other quarters won’t even hear of it to begin with.” You answered.

“Savia Audravienneway, you… you have the courage of a pride of lionesses, and the fact that through all of that, you never treated any of us with anything less than the utmost respect and honor and never let on that you were going through all of this and still you have vowed to us to tell us the truth, and again, I appreciate you for doing so, even at a great personal cost to yourself. And even at the risk of alienating yourself from your fellow brides and even us, you chose to tell us the truth no matter the consequences. You have courage, heart and integrity, and you still hold true to your choice of Lukher and you still do not waiver. I can do nothing but respect you and Serhan and Merrattah for all of you coming together and helping each other through this and all of you should be applauded for this.” She concluded.

“Well when Rasime had a temper tantrum, she has 11 brothers who are of marriageable age and six of them are still single, Maisarra was courting one of them, as was my sister Belma and my sister Anastacia, as was Merrattah’s sister too. And because of Rasime’s prejudice and her own hateful poison spreading to her whole family, our own sisters got their own relationships with her brothers cut off and their hearts broken over it because Rasime and her whole family were on the condemn side of that vote and we were on the other. Maisarra I think got the worst of it though. Haydarsorra treated Maisarra like shit even before the vote, he treated your family with deep disrespect. It was just a matter of time really.” Serhan confessed.

“No kidding.” You scoffed.

“Is she still in danger?” Merrattah asked.

“Yes, very much so, she’s cried benar every day since.” You confessed.

“Benar?” Sunco asked.

“Oh it’s a moura thing, when mouras are under great distress, like having your heart broken- we cry crystal tears, they look and act like diamonds, they hurt like crazy when coming out too. A broken heart, which moura hearts, like if you could see my own heart right now, all hearts naturally have heart strings, keeping them together, well mouras have double the strings, but through heartbreak, the actual and figurative strings break and thus we die of heart failure other than that it’s only war, old age and mourkatili are the only other things that can kill a moura. We are immune to everything else.” Merrattah explained.

“So when your grandmother told me that Maisarra’s life hung in the balance…” Daon began.

“She wasn’t lying, or kidding or making light of it. It’s a very real thing.” You confirmed with an apologetic look.

“Well, thank you so much for your honesty and patience in explaining the whole situation and all of it’s…”

“Variables?” Serhan guessed.

“Yes, many components.” Sunco nodded.

“If you’ll excuse me Savia and ladies, I too need to speak with your High Councilors because if that law gets passed in any other quarter and does not get repealed in your quarter, Dorierra as a whole can kiss our trade deal goodbye, however, only if you wish it, may tribute be sent to your families, but nothing else. And all of you are free to either come to Yekmeni with us because Lukher still wants you especially Savia, and we have already given you and your family more than enough for you and the other brides can make their own decisions as well. This is…stupid and…ridiculous, they gave us smiles and assurances that we would be getting brides who were so capable of being queens and ruling without bias or prejudice. When the whole country is filled with it.” Sunco hissed as you could see was just as seething as the generalley brides.

“I understand, you are the Ambassador for Yekmeni, you must act in Yekmeni’s best interests as well.” You offered.

“Thank you for understanding that Savia. And thank you for bringing this to our attention.”

“Just forgive me for not telling you sooner, but I needed to make sure all of us would make it out alive and none of us would just react without thinking things through and end up doing things we would regret later.” You offered to her.

“You are very wise, much beyond your years.” She praised.

“Please, may the three of you sleep with peace in your minds and hearts. And please, if you choose to go back, please keep the gifts bestowed to you, with our thanks for giving us your consideration and respect and dignity, it is much appreciated and it will be shown back to you.” Sunco reassured Serhan, Merrattah and yourself as you all looked at each other before she retreated as the rest of her envoy did the same.

“Well that went much better than I thought it would.” Serhan muttered.

“Yeah, lets let everyone sleep on it. And we will see where everyone is in the morning.” Merrattah suggested.

“Agreed, goodnight my sisters from other mothers.” You thanked them as you all stood and hugged tightly, the three of you making a triangle, hugging the other two.

“Now I just want to get to Yekmeni and hope it’s as luxurious as I’ve heard so I can take my messengerari and rub the noses of my friends into how lavish and wonderful Yekmeni is and how it will hopefully be a thousand times better than any castle in Europa.” Serhan snipped rather smugly with a bite of spite.

“Me too.” You laughed which got Merrattah to giggle too.

“It could be worse, right?” Merrattah offered.

“Yes, it could be much worse.” You agreed.

“Now, I have a sack of incense that is calling my name and a bed I would really like to lay down in.” Merrattah excused herself as she withdrew.

“And we didn’t even have to tell them about the ten tribes of orcs.” Thobin offered as he stood nearby and smiled proudly to see you, Serhan and Merrattah working together and offering each other emotional support.

“Oh thank the gods, if we have had to explain that fiasco, we would be dead right about now I think.” Serhan muttered.

“Yeah, let’s just leave that piece of history in the past, where it belongs.” You urged everyone.

“Agreed.” All of them nodded in agreement before the four of you went your separate ways.

Meanwhile in Sunco’s tent.

“Ambassador Sunco, I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon, is everything ok?” Langashi asked from the other side of her messengerari.

“No, it is not alright, Savia Audravienneway, when directly asked- because she had previously swore an oath to tell the truth to us- explained the meaning of the vulture feathers and why they were so offensive.” Sunco led with.

“Oh, yes, awful, sorry business, I can not begin to apologize for Hasim and his family’s behavior. They allowed their power to corrupt them to the point they dared give a curse when a blessing was due, they have been stripped of all lands, titles, nobility and wealth and have been given the lowest status in the country, which is a slave only permitted to do meanial, hard labor for the rest of their lives and have since been sent to the outcast quarter, where they will live the rest of their lives in squalor.” Langashi explained.

“Good, Savia also, in order to explain how Rasime and her father Hasim came to the conclusion to give her and the others vulture feathers to begin with, which started with a vote in the quarter to condemn the very brides who agreed to the generous offer, to the point that they were threatened with expulsion and that they and their children by “second class beings” such as myself, and my clan would result in Dorierra’s complete abandonment and that they and their children, if Yekmeni should, heaven forbid- fall, that they will never be rescued or protected beyond any protection we might offer them.” Sunco challenged as she saw fear fill Langashi’s eyes.

“Oh that, that is actually old news, and that was only a piece of legislation drawn up by someone who has no power or authority to carry it out and the vote was overturned and that law got repealed, so that is no longer the case, it never should have been a case to begin with.” Langashi tried her best to smooth over.

“I see, so how far did that law go? How many other quarters got to hear of it? Much less vote on it?” Sunco asked.

“As far as I know it never left the Sultanate Quarter and once the truth and full details were disclosed after the vote, the vast majority chose to recast their vote and overturn the original vote, so now the entire quarter is in agreement and no one who voted to condemn Savia Audravienneway, or Serhanhi or Merrattaha have been removed from the quarter and placed in the outcast quarter.” Langashi quickly countered.

“Really? Because I have three brides from the General Quarter along with a translator from the Relic Quarter who are- as we speak- contacting their families to find out anyway. And only after I hear back from them after their families will make inquiries to all the other quarters and I hear back a confirmation of your claim, will I believe it. Because from where I sit, it appears that you have no problem taking our gold, or our airstones, or our steel, or even our breadseed to make your precious borrer for your local orcs, but then turn right back around and disown the very brides who made that transaction possible and viable. It just doesn’t make sense and is no way to do any kind of business, either past or especially in the future.” Sunco spat angrily.

“Ambassador, please, try to understand, the whole High Council which represents the entire country of Dorierra as a whole was completely against the vote and the Elders in the quarter didn’t heed our own orders to not carry it out and we have done all we can to do undo the damage that rift caused. We are most grateful for this alliance and our need of your goods is higher now than ever before and even Savia Audravienneway, immediately after the vote went into action and took most of the gold that you gave her and exchanged it to the banks and I gave her the best rate I could in the exchange and she used that very same funds to fund the re-establishment of the fallen Sultanate States, and I have a champion right now who is only mere weeks, at the most a month or two away from bringing peace and stability into the area and he is seen as a savior by the people and all those who could ever remember the old royal families have all died off, and they will have no issue with having the very sisters of those whose hearts were broken by Hasim’s sons have been guaranteed to be his favorites if they wish. And because of her decisive action all those who have voted to condone the match and overturn the vote and the law that came with it, will be it’s new pool and she has single handedly unified the quarter, all bless her name and her family and are are very grateful for her efforts. Please, do not do her the disservice of cutting things off before she at least can see how well things will turn out for her and her family, I can not begin to imagine all the wonderful and amazing things she will do in Yekmeni at Lukher’s side. She has made it possible for none of the brides to have to choose between their families that remain here and Yekmeni and I can swear on my own life that if anything were to ever happen to Lukher or Yekmeni or anything else, she and her children will be saved and taken care of and of course always given sanctuary, she is a legend in the making! Surely that is what Lukher saw in her, her potential and surely you have seen it too, please do not hinder her progress or her dreams or ambitions. And please rest assured that we have done our best to make this right and as we speak, Savia Audravienneway’s family as well as Serhan’s and Merrattah’s are being moved into some of the finest palaces in the quarter, their monthly allowance has been greatly increased and their own status has been elevated as such that their families are practically princes and princesses and are on equal ground as any royal family even in the other private pool class. And those that dared to offend you and the brides have been dealt with as harshly as possible and were humiliated in front of the entire country, you saw how they were scorned and ridiculed as they were escorted out, they have lost face to everyone and are despised by everyone who sees them, some of them even committed suicide over the shame of their actions because they could not bear to live with the consequences or the fall from power and grace.” Langashi revealed.

“How many?” Sunco demanded.

“I beg your pardon?” Langashi asked.

“How many committed suicide from the shame?” Sunco asked.

“Oh, uh the talley as of tonight has been 23. Which accounts for roughly thirty percent of the offenders.” She said as she quickly found that report.

“Give me their names.” Sunco asked as she got a pen and wrote down all twenty three names.

“Thank you, I will pass this list onto Savia Audravienneway in the morning and tomorrow night, she will confirm by her own means, good night High Councilor, I hope you pray to whatever gods you believe in for Savia Audravienneway to be much more forgiving and lenient with her homeland over this matter in the future.” Sunco said before she shut the messengerari off before Langashi could reply.

“Gods, please, direct me in my dreams what I should do and how to handle this.” Sunco prayed in Nadasi as she took a calming breath to calm her anger before she tiredly got ready for bed.

“Grand General?” Thobin asked as he tapped on her tent flap in nadasi.

“Yes General Thobin?” Sunco asked as he came in. Granted Thobin was well past twice her own age but he had the look and youthful exuberance of someone half her own age as well.

“Can I come in?” He asked.

“Yes, of course.” Sunco agreed as she quickly threw on a robe to remain modest.

“All the brides have contacted home, and at least in their own quarters, the new law never reached their quarters and they have tasked their families with inquiring with the other quarters to make sure that no other quarter heard of the vote, much less the law that came with it.” He reported, keeping to nadasi.

“Oh good, I was going to be asking for them to do that in the morning, but I see you’ve anticipated me.” Sunco grinned tiredly, but relieved and happy she could speak her native tongue and not to constantly have to translate her thougths into another language before speaking them.

“Of course. All the brides have seen been relieved of their stress and are in the process of falling asleep as is the rest of your envoy and the campsite is safe and secure, and the night watch is on duty the only thing that dared come near the camp was an inquisitive fox, more interested in the chickens than anything else.” He added.

“Thank you. I appreciate the report.” Sunco nodded before she couldn’t help but yawn tiredly.

“You too should be relieved of your anxiousness, all is well. Everyone has come to an accurate understanding of the entire situation and everyone is making their own peace with it. It should be relatively smooth sailing from here, well besides the actual weather.” Thobin offered with a wry grin.

“Yes, by the way did Savia Audraviennway tell you about how she raised an army to counter Rasime’s family’s doing and the vote so that the entire quarter got reunified?” Sunco asked him.

“Yes, But it’s not completely “set in stone” so to speak, I take it she did not tell you about it yet.” He confirmed.

“No, of course I didn’t exactly ask either.” Sunco realized.

“You don’t need to. She is a woman of action, like her mother and her grandmothers before her and even her great grandmother before her because it was her great grandmother that held off the attackers by sword point and had locked down the palace and boobytrapped it so that only when we came did she get everyone out safely and even while she was injured, she would not rest until they all made it back to Dorierra safely, not just the harem but the servants too. She died only days after making it across the border and because the stone ceremony was rushed, I had no other stones to stone her and save her life but she did manage to get herself and her family and her household safely into the quarter and passed only after she knew that her son and his Sultana Supreme and all of his pther wives and concubines and all their children and the household was safe. Her memorial, a lifelike statue of her still stands in the Sultanate Square, surely you passed it on the way to Audrey’s former house. Her great grandmother’s name was Vahidhienne, Vienne is what she went by. Which is why Audrey’s full name is Audra-vienne, after her great grandmother Vienne. Vienne was one hell of a woman, she defended her family with a ferocity that I would have thought only could be had in a woman Audrey’s age and why every woman in her family took up swordsmanship as soon as they could walk on their own without falling down. And it’s her that Audrey has always looked to as an example and seeing Audrey now, all grown up and dealing with the ever changing landscape around her, both physically, mentally and metaphorically- she reminds me of Vienne so much, part of me wonders if she has been reincarnated in her own great granddaughter. Audrey doesn’t do anything half hearted or half measured. When she decides to go after what she wants, she goes all in. However her reluctance to be completely open with you, because you and I both know there is a difference between open and honest- which she has vowed to be honest, but getting her to be completely open which only really comes with trust- will be the next step that you and this envoy and especially Lukher will have to earn- and that is because she is still afraid that either Lukher or the rest of his family or even you and the rest of the envoy will not approve of her decision to do what she did with the gifts you gave her. She gave all but one of everything to re-establishing Tahir to reunify what had been cracked and broken for over 45 years, which has been the vast majority of her parent’s lives, and the only reason she kept one of everything back was to learn the money system accurately or to keep herself from being completely without herself and she didn’t want you to think she had misused or mismanaged her gifts either. She is very conscientious about what impression she gives you and the rest of her envoy as she sees you as her greatest allies and her own keys to her future success in Yekmeni.” He revealed as Sunco sunk down into her bedroll on her cot as she took that in.

“She has done more than enough to earn our trust and respect. The fact that she reacted so decisively and thought so far ahead to find the best possible solution and do all that could to make that solution realized, I have nothing but the highest opinion of her. And Lukher could not have chosen a better Savia than her in my opinion.” Sunco readily offered.

“Good, make sure Audrey feels that as much as she knows it. Respond by giving her the best insights you can on not just Lukher, but Yekmeni, and especially the Aki-Aya clan, and it’s language, culture, traditons and history. Even about Kingu. Because from what she told me, it’s he who wanted a moura bride in the first place, and when he died, his dreams and ambitions passed down to Lukher.” He advised.

“Yes, Kingu was…well he was the male orc version of her. His personality, his tastes, his ability to perceive more than his eyes saw but mentally see and map out everything and find the best solutions. Even Lukher feels inadequate compared to what Kingu was.” Sunco revealed.

“All Lukher can give is what he is and what he has to work with. But I wouldn’t worry too much, if Lukher is smart, a lot of Audrey will rub off on him. And hopefully these other brides too.” Thobin smiled reassuringly.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Sunco asked curiously.

“Sure.” Thobin asked.

“How old are you?” Sunco asked.

“A hundred and twelve.” He answered with a laugh.

“No, you barely look fourty.” Sunco argued.

“It’s the gems and the diet. An orc who doesn’t live on our special diet or get the enhancement from the stones will be lucky to reach 60 or seventy. Actually I was hoping that this would be my last mission before I can pass on the mantel to my eldest son who will inherit this mantel from me.” Thobin answered.

“How old is he?” Sunco asked.

“98.” Thobin answered.

“You had your first son when you were 14?” Sunco asked.

“Yeah, I had my first daughter at 12, second daughter at 13 and first son at fourteen. Dorierran orcs grow up very fast and fatherhood happens very quickly in all the clans around Dorierra, before missions, the goal is to leave with a gut full of borrer and tomb meat and all the ale you can drink until you can barely stand but empty balls. It’s just unfortunate that our women folk only live to be 50 or 60. So we warriors usually marry two to three times in our lifetimes.” He answered.

“Oh, I’m sorry, do you miss them? Your wives? I mean?” Sunco asked.

“Yes, I just buried my second wife, two years ago. Haven’t seen the need or had the want to get remarried a third time, especially when my sons are so old and my grandsons and great grandsons and great great grandsons and even great great great grandsons are all grown now and they’re all with me, besides an old man like me doesn’t have much to offer a new wife anyway, just knowledge to pass down the line.” He answered with a shrug and an easy smile.

“How did Dorierra even get the stones in the first place?” Sunco asked.

“Well that’s a story for another time, it’s late, you should get some sleep, you’ll need it. Goodnight Grand General Sunco.” He urged her before he saw himself out.

“Goodnight, you can just call me Sunco though, no need for such formalities now.” She urged his retreating form.

“Ok, goodnight then Sunco.” Thobin offered on the other side of the tent.

“Goodnight Thobin.” Sunco wished him before a rather dreamy smile washed over her face and a pleasant sigh left through her nose.

“Well from where I sit you still have plenty to offer any woman with eyes that can see your fine ass.” Sunco muttered under her breath once he left as Thobin had to stop himself from laughing out loud as his ears twitched and caught her utterance.

“Still got it.” He whispered to himself with a self satisfied grin as he walked to his own tent to get ready for bed himself.

#Burn Without You #Burn Without You Chapter 11 #oh hohohoho #orc love story #moura #orcs #orc reader insert #you know what I'm not going to keep tagging this as orctober 2021 because it's practically 2022

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popculturebuffet · 4 years

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Top 13 Venture Bros Episodes!

In honor of it’s recent passing I take a look at the best episodes of easily one of the best adult animated, or animated period, shows ever and one of my faviorites. Join me as I look back on Grand Galactic High Inquistors, Venturestiens, ninja filled first dates, Noir, super science garage sales and much more under the cut, and GO TEAM VENTURE!

As I said in the teaser.. the Venture Bros is one of my favorite shows of all time. Starting way back in 2003, the show created by Jackson “Christopher Mculloch” Publick and from mid season 1 onwards cowritten, plotted and what have you by his best friend and creative soulmate Doc Hammer, the show enjoyed a healthy 17 year run on adult swim, making it the longest standing show and despite the years of hiatuses between episodes it’s most popular till Rick and Morty came around. The show endured through changing trends in animation, network shifts and scabies until it’s recently announced, though apparently having happened months ago, cancellation. I watched the show from the start, sneaking it as a boy and by my teen years watching it every week online through Adult Swim’s website and lapping up every episode, becoming a huge fan in the process and continuing my huge love of the series through the rest of it’s life, breifly forgetting to watch season 6 but getting back to it weekly for the 7th, and currently unless adult swim does indeed find a way to bring it back, final season. This show has been a part of my life since it started, and a part of me for slightly less long: it informed my sense of humor, probably informed my comics taste in ragtag groups consiting of lesser known characters, and informed me david bowie existed for which my life will ever be better. It was a part of me and while I gave it a breif memorial earlier I felt after my long content hiatus due to my moven to another room, and for the 1 of you reading this who reads my amphibia weekly coverage it’ll be back shortly, that honoring a show that gave me so much and made me who I am, in a good way I know i’m kind of a mess so that statment could be seen as a threat in some states, by diving into my faviorite episodes of it and the ones I honeslty consider i’ts finest half hours.. or hours in two cases but we’ll get to that.

For now it’s time to have your ro-bo pour you a red mocho cooler, slap on your vintage batman mask, and eat some pennies quizboys, this is my top 13 venture bros episodes. Pitter Patter!

13. It Happening One Night (Season 6, Episode 6)

Season 6 had a huge burst of fresh energy and ideas: Doc and Jackson moved the show to New York for a number of reasons: To shake things up, because they lived there and thus could inject the energy of a city they loved in and because one of the series biggets inspriations is marvel comics, as seen by the sheer number of marvel parodies and homages in comparison to dc or other superhero outlets, so having New York be the big hub for superhero and villian activity in the ventureverse was a no brainer. This also moved the ventures from an isolated corner of the Ventureverse on their old compound, which burned down in the gargantua 2 special, right into the heart of it, bringing in tons of new characters to the already large cast. Not only that but it thrust our heroes and villian protaganists both into new and intresting situations: Doctor Venture was suddenly rich and running his own think tank with white and billy. Dean was going to college, Hank found a love intrest in Serena, more on that obviously in a second, Brock returned to the team proper as bodyguard once more, while the Monarch grappled with both his father being a hero and his wife being promoted and their marraige hitting choppy waters. It had great new characters like warina and serena, brought fan faviorite brown widow in if not as much as i’d like frankly, but there’s always room for nathan fillion, and freshened things up a bit. Granted one of Venture Bros biggest strengths was it didn’t have the rigid status quo, or entire lack of any continuity a lot of animated shows at the time and even now have, that things changed and evolved and the universe was dense as it was wonderful. But here instead of just moving the pieces around the board and maybe slapping on some new coats of pait, they threw the board up and put the pieces on an enitrley new one. However all this experimentation did nick the show a little: while it was a step up from the rather standard outside of Dean’s plot Season 5 (which not concendtially is the only season not represented here), it also felt like the plots were a bit looser and some characters like Dermott and Dr. Orpheous, one of whom had a huge untouched subplot and the other who was a beloved fan faviorite and fixture of the show since season 1, got left out all together. It was a decent season it just felt lacking at times, and the Monarch and Shielda’s relationship disolving wasn’t at all fun to watch and thankfully got resolved next season. And that was the other problem: Due to wanting to give their big epic finale the room it needed and only having 8 episodes to work with due to the special, they had to move it to next season which meant it just sorta.. ended with most things left unresolved till season 7. Thankfully for me I didn’t get around to watching this season till close to 7, but for everyone else they had to wait YEARS for a proper resolution. It was a mixed bag of a season, the mass changes leading to growing pains, but it had it’s moments. And naturally our one season 6 representivie here is it’s finest.

It Happening One Night juggles two diffrent but equally awesome plots. In the first Hank goes on his first date with Serena, their new next door neighbor and daughter of big villain in town, new councilman and combination of kingpin and tobias whale, Wide Whale. Serena was one of the best additions to the series, voiced by a game Cristini Miloti, she’s a no nonsense girl with a sharp tounge, an annoyance with her father and his number 2 rocko’s overprotectivness of her and gills and meshes well with hank: Her no nonsense and more down to earth attitude compliments his up int he clouds weirdness and lack of reality really well and the two were cute together. Were... while they’d do.. things I did not like.. with her character next season, for this one she’s great and a fine addition and it was nice to give one of the boys a proper love interest, while also having her be her own person. Sure all her plots centered around hank.. but she still felt like a fully realized addition to the cast and given this was over a decade in with so many great members it wasn’t an easy task. The date is paticuarlly hank as he has a carraige (his air car) ready, has dean chauffer them, has Billy and White show up as street toughs to challenge him to a dance off and dinner is at a ninja themed restraunt Dean’s friend Jared, aka brown widow, works at. It’s really adorable and charming stuff, and the two genuinely bond, and Hank gets some good character stuff. He genuinely worries Serena is only intrested to piss off her dad.. but fins she likes him for who he is: his charm, his lack of fear, and the fact he went so far for a romantic gesture he had his friends dress up as street toughs, or the hank venture idea of one anyway, and get into a dance off just to impress. her. it’s really good stuff. The Ninja themed restraunt is also both hilarious and apparently a very real thing the creators actually toned down. I’m unsuprised by all of this. The two also dodge their bodyguards, Brock and Rocco and share a romantic kiss underwater leading to the above. It’s a really good plot and the easy reason why I put it on here and defintely a review cantidate. The other plot however is just pure comedy and invention. While the Monarch works on his plan to use his dad’s blue morpho guise to take out the other arches on his way to venture, Venture is plauged by the utterly bizzare and utterly delightful Doom Factory: A combination of Andy Warhol and his hangers on and the legion of doom... yes this actually happened. While I know nothing of Warhol and thus a lot of it flew over my head, it’s made up for by the sheer joyous lunacy of having the art school version of the legion of doom arch rusty by invading his house, throwing a party and taking various pictures of him in his underwear. The one mistep of the episode is them getting blown up at the end despite being great, but their one apperance was a treat, and it was such a great and bizzarely speific parody I couldn’t help but love it. It was a good night indeed.

12. Tag Sale, You’re It! (Season 1, Episode 6 (10 in airing order) Season 1 of The Venture Bros is a bit rocky. It’s not unusual for season 1′s but it’s understandable, espcesially now i’ve read Go Team Venture!: The Art of the Venture Bros, the art book for the series as well as a full on making of for seasons 1-6, and know the team was under immense crunch to get the season done and is likely the reason every season after had a few years between them. But yeah at the start the series was more of a broad comedy, with the characters being the simiplest versions of their characters, the boys in paticular only having “jock and nerd” as things that defined them as seperate people early on and it took a bit for things to come together. However things really started to crystalize into what the show would truly be with two episodes. One we’ll get to later but the other is this one: Tag Sale Your It. Tag Sale started one of my faviorite recurring themes for the series: Venture Compound Episodes. Basically their episodes where a huge pile of the shows cast get together at the venture compound for whatever reason and chaos, great jokes and great worldbuilding inveitbly insues. It’s good stuff. And it’s usually centerted around a great concept. In this case all the villians and heroes of the world are gathering at the Venture Compound for of all things, a Garage Sale. Or Tag Sale as it’s called in the title or Yard Sale as Venutre himself calls it. In order to make a quick buck and get rid of some of his dad’s excess scientific wonders, Rusty’s sellling them off to whatever weirdo wants em. it’s an utterly hilarious concept, with Brock complaning about the security risk and the fact Doc is entirely convinced this won’t go horribly wrong despite the fact he has a bargin bin for death rays, one of my faviorite gags of the episode. But there’s still plenty of sense here too: There’s what i’m presuming are OSI agents on standbye, who also screen the various villians to have them check their weapons.

The episode also opens the cast up considerably introducing Phantom Limb, and fleshing out Billy and Pete, as well as being the episode where two of the casts standouts came into their own as 21 and 24 go off on their own misadventur where 21 uses the monarchs money to buy what turns out ot bea non working lightsaber and tries to fight brock in one of the best scenes of the episode. Speaking of the Monarch, . The Monarch himself is there to cause miscihief, as usual, as well as have his minons buy him some stuff because he’s not going to miss a bargin, and finds himself struggling to get his hate boner up in a neat subplot, eventually acheiving it even if it gets him stuck to the celing However the other two subplots really shine. Orpheous in a micro plot, and after yelling at Dr. Venture for trying to sell the weed wacker he borrowed from Oprheous, tries to get his own nemisis, a thread that would continue at the end of the season and into the next, having a ghost slap the monarch ot try and get him to become Orpheous arch and telling various villians he’s blasting who they can blame if they want to swear vegnance. It’s short but really funny. The other however is my faviorite and the plot that really set up hank’s bizzarely and uniquely him personality, which would be expanded on more as the show went on. Annoyed that their dad is selling their old things and getting the money, Hank decides to get him and Dean a piece of the action and sets up his own grinder and lemonade stand, Hank Co, starting the sparkling runner of his bizzare personal buisness, and while the lemonade stand is standard kids stuff, the added oddly specific addition of grinders is what makes it hank as is his oddly agreesive managment style. Dean ends up working for him alongside HELPEr, while Dean awkwardly talks up Orpheous daughter triana. More on that whole thing in a later entry, with Triana joining in. It’s just a fun side bit that ends hilariously as, when the sale cascades into an orgy of violence as it was always destined to, the rest of the team book it while Hank definatly refuses to get knocked down before a shoe hits him.

IT’s a damn fun time that sets up the backbone of the show’s universe. Nuff Said.

11. Pinstripes and Poltergeists (Season 4, Episode 8) Season 4 is easily my faviorite season hands down, and in my opinion the best, in part helped by the fact it’s the longest and thus had the most time to work on it. Like season 6, if on a smaller scale, it threw up the table. While Season 2 and 3 had status quo changes, the Monarch being on his own without the guild or dr girlfriend and then the newly married couple being forced to arch eleswhere this one had probably the biggets shakeups: Brock Sampson left team venture, and was MIA for all but two episodes of the first half, Sgt. Hatred took over as boydguard a move that wasn’t one of there best as while Hatred could be funny at times.. replacing one of the show’s most beloved and most iconic characters with a reformed pedophile who fans already didn’t like all that much in season 3 wasn’t one of Jackson and Doc’s smarter moves let’s be honest. Again he has his moments, but he just wasn’t as compelling or well fleshed out as the rest of hte main cast, helper included. The other big swing, one admitted in the making of art book that was an intentional risk, was killing off 24, half of the beloved buddy duo of 21 and 24. However this one paid off way better, as 21, while still a husky dork who loves his crappy job, reinvented himself in the wake of hte tragedy, turning a lot of his blubber into muscle (And I say that as a chub myself, so relax), and becoming the badass drill seargent of the cocoon. But both big changes expertly dovetailed into this episode which explains where brock was after the premiere. The ball gets rolling when the Monarch goes to see Monstroso, a great addition to the series and the sum of all evil lawyer jokes, a lawyer in a pinstripe suit and small devil hood who makes deals with other supervillians, in this case to buy up part of the venture compound to take it from Rusty. Naturally making a deal with a lawyer super villian who dresses like the devil, every bit of that sentence a red flag, goes poorly. As Shiela points out in one of the series best lines as she berates her husband’s terrible decision making “Monstro’s a lawyer that’s also a super villian. That’s like a shark with a rocket launcher strapped to his head, and the monstroso plans to take the monarch’s stuff as well. It falls to 21 to stop him and 21 is on the venture compound to find our missiing sampson and get answers on who killed his best friend, whose also following him around possibly as a ghost/hallucination. Speaking of Brock, when exploring a shack on the edge of the property to use it for stuff, Rusty finds instead the base for SPHINX, consiting of Hunter Gathers (Who I hope gets to retransition someday), gay icon Shore Leave, and Brock Himself. Turns out Brocks literally been right there, SPHINX Just needed to stay secret and the pain of not being able to see the boys has seriously hurt brock. And naturally this deal will impact spinix, so they send brock to deal with it. This leads to the best part of the episode as the above episode gets a callback as 21 challenges brock to a fight.. and to show how far he’s come, instead of becoming a bloody pile on the lawn, fights EVENELY with brock freaking sampson. After it’s confirmed brock has nothing to do with it and 21 and him have wiggle room to operate, the two go after monstroso who next we see needs heart surgery so mission acomplished. This episode is light on jokes, apart from a great one where rusty tells the boys everything before mindwiping them, but good on character stuffs as we find out where Brocks been, meet some good new supporting cast and see just how far 21′s come, and close out the first half of a stellar season iwth a great scene of Brock eating cereal, finally allowed to be part of his family again.

10. Viva Los Muertos! (Season 2, Episode 11) Season 2 was easily where the show hit it’s stride. While Season 1 is going through growing pains Season 2 has all the setup, half planned ideas and what not mostly out of the way to just focus on building up the world, and characters as well as playing around with things and having the first instance of the show’s refusal to have a set status quo by having the Monarch’s breakup iwth Shiela stick until the end of the season. More on that later. However some experimentation still happened as something that would likely NEVER happen from this point on happened. See the Venture Bros is very much Jackson and Doc’s baby. While Jackson created it, Doc because just as important and the two share one giant geeky brain. WHile they may argue on some things, the two still agree on most stuff and thus the project has their unified vision of this weirdly specific superhero universe that’s mainly focused on what would be prehriay characters leftover from a one time genre experiment and supervillians. While the staff on the show clearly enjoyed working on it far as I can tell an dare celebrated in the making of when credit’s do, the writing and worldbuilding is on two guy’s shoulders, an absolute rarity in animation let alone of a project with this gorgeous and detailed animation. But for three episodes the two did let someone in.. it’s just someone who not only got exactly what htey were going for but was their friend and mentor who helped nurture their talents on the tick. Ben Edlund. If you haven’t heard of Ben first off shame on you and second, he’s the creator of the Tick, writing the original comics series and having a major hand in all three series, all of which are unsuprisingly stellar, and having brought jackson and doc on board for 2/3 of them, likely only not bringing them to the Amazon one because by this point they’d far outgrown being writters on someone elses show. He also created supernatural and left long before it became a tire fire so there’s that. I need to watch that sometime. Point is he’s a big deal and helped write two episodes and wrote this one Solo. And this one is easily the best of the three and given it’s on this list one of the series best. The episode has Doc have another great idea in the Zack Morris with mad scientest abilities veign he always have: Take the parts of one of hte monarch’s dead henchman, as brock tends to leave piles around, into a “Venturestein’ and sell it to the goverment. While the simple man bonds with the boys, he cowers in fear of brock, who is forced to grapple with his violent nature and deeds and goes to Orpheous spirtial gathering fors some perspective. It’s a nice subplot that has some character development before a spirit vision of hunter gathers convinces him he can’t get caught up in killing people when it’s hwat he goods at. Brock meets him halfway, deciding he can’t feel entirely guilty but he can help the guy and gets Venturestein some “prostitoots!” he’s been wanting since apparnelty the henchman he was made out of really liked htem. The concept of venturestein himself is neat, from the idea of reusing old henchman to him using the boys learning beds to learn about the third world and be indocrinated for third world labor, as was Doc’s orginal plan. The other plot which dovetalls into venture steins is another great one as The Groovy Gang, the show’s answer to mystery inc arrives. And in a great idea by Edlund.. their all based on various serial killers, with leader ted being baised on ted bundy and being unerviing as he speaks cherfully while threanting the rest of hte gang, the shaggy stand in being a stand in for the son of sam and the only one that can hear groovy talk who rather than be an adorable dog, talks like a nightmarish german man, the daphne standin is clearly kidnapped and the velma one valries acts like valrie solanis. It’s creepy stuff but it’s also funny because theys till include hannah barbara sound effects, including when Venturestein in a ptsd fueld rage kills ted, not-shaggy and groovy> It’s a horrible but great scene and a great concept that just works. They also tie in the boys being clones by having it revealed one of their deaths was caused by Sonny, finalylr emembered his name, and Ted wanting to kill them. The boys end up finding their clones too, but Doc spins them a yarn to get by and is kept from kiling them. Not much to say, outside of brocks bit this isn’t huge on character but the sheer balls of the scooby doo parody and the sheer amount of jokes and creativity here make Edlund’s sole solo outing a true highlight.

9. The Inamorata Consequence (Season 7, Episode 5)

The likely final compound episode and a welcome return after season 6 lacked theme entirely, and as I established earlier the compound isn’t required it’s just where most of these take place. Season 7 was a good note to go out on. While I still want closure, after the forgetable Season 5 and the fresh but messy Season 6, 7 was almost pure goodness, with most of the episodes being standouts and the premire trilogy wrapping up the dangling threads from season 6 being a highlight, if not enough to make this list but it was a tight list as is. It had it’s flaws: The “Serena Cheats on Hank with Dean thing” was not only horribly underdeveloped but basically wrote off one of their best new characters. Her and hank breaking up and her dating dean is fine, relationships end and stuff, it was just done poorly. Even if Hank found out because a scary man in a bear costume literally carried him to a convience store and then to Dean which was great as was the button on that plot of, after Dean and Serena naturally react to the guy “Oh good you see him too. “ The Unicorn in Captivity is also a series low point despite having mark freaking hamil guest star, for a number of reasons i’ll probably get into one of these days either on a worst of list for this show or it’s own review. But those blemishes don’t overide a great season that makes up for Oprehous and Dermott’s absensces by bringing both back for an episode, has some true classics, some great character stuff and in general is just really good and it was hard to cut a lot of it from this list, but two made it. And it was nice to see the show go out on top if nothing else.

So onto this episode which has a brilliant complex: Every exty years the Guild and the OSI meet to hash out the details of their mututal treaty with a Venture prociding and with Jonas now well and truly dead, and missing before that, it falls on Rusty. and since it was made before the compound burned down, our heroes returned to the charred remains of their home to hash things out. The episode then nicely settles into 3 really excellent plots. The first is the obvious, the peace treaty which has the Council of 13, who in a delebrate move by the creators went from a bunch of faceless nobodies who were killed off to characters we all knew, versus our standard stable of OSI recureerers as the two bicker over terms and we find out one of the conflict settlers is a pool fight, done without a pool since that’s gone now. It’s just pure comedy goodness, but it ends with the rare unequivoocable VICTORY for Rusty. Fed up with both sides acting like children, and even calling them such, as well as both threatning war, he gives one hell of a speech to both to shut them up and for once in his life does BETTER than his father.

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It’s easily James Urbanik’s finest hour as the character and one of the series best moments which, 17 years in, is a high achievement. The other two plots aren’t too shabby themselves. The second is an overlap as Hank gets lured away from the confrence by an old friend: IT’S DERMOTT! The dynamic duo rides again and their old dynamic of two dumbasses, one a normal teen but entirely full of himself the other being a cloudcuckoolander with little self awarness but more empathy and sometimes sense, is one I really missed and it shines here. Dermott’s joined the OSI, with Rusty giving him a recomendation as long as he didn’t tell anyone else he was his son, or at least it’s implied as much, finally buttoning up that bit while leaving it open for hank to find out later, and a bit that also was never resolved and hopefully will be by a follow up, especially since Dean revealed in the series finale he found out from his dad a while back while rusty was hammered. They follow kimberly mcmanus and one of the strangers, the guilds soldiers who are engaging in a clandestine affair.. which also reveals that the stranger is the peril partnerships mole in the guild, a nice twist. The two have fun chemistry and it’s great ot see them again just like it’s great to see hank and dermott pal around again with the highlight being hanks utterly bizzare and utterly hank fantasy sequence. Rounding out the three is a more emotional tale as Dean sneaks off to see an old friend, Ben the genetisct who worked with his father and grandfather at various points and revealed to dean he was a clone. Ben is gone, either due to Doc and Jackson not wanting to use him, or because JK simmons was unvaliable and unlike dr. impossible and steven colbert, they didn’t want to recast. But we do get a great substitute as we meet H.E.L.P.er 2, a household model voiced by Rhys Darby who Ben left behind on his trip. As it turns out Jonas tried mass marketing H.E.L.P.er units (With the equally unsurprisingly sexist tag line of “Get a H.E.L.P.er to Help Her!”), but a baby choked on a stray bolt and a the ensuing backlash lead to mass burnings and most being destroyed and the one we meat being a nervous wreck that Ben took in. Dean naturally sees himself in the scared bot and while he fails to get his new friend to be able to leave, H2 is too nervous about possibly being destroyed and given the uncaring nature of the venture world sometimes yeah probably a good point, he does bond with dean.. and reveal that Rusty himself is a clone by accident. IT’s a nice twist that makes perfect since: While we don’t know if Rusty knows the tech was used on him most of his stuff , with few exceptions is old equipment of his dad’s. It’s not a stretch that his greatest invention was actually Jonas’. It also leads to a nice moment as dean hugs his dad, understanding him a bit better. It’s a funny, well done episode that lets doc and sons really shine. Truly a great way fo ra great theme to go out.

8. The Buddy System (Season 3, Episode 5) Time for a sentimental favorite. See while I watched bits of seasons 1 and 2 when they aired, and more of 2 then I realized, I didn’t get really hooked on the show till season 3.. and this was the episode that did it. The ones before are far from bad, Shadowman 9 was a contender for this list after all, this is just the one that really got me into the show, showing off it’s varied supporting cast, bringing in one or two more, and really getting me into dean.. and Dean and Triana shipping but I can get into that, again, more on that later. Given this and Fallen Arches were early faviorites it’s no suprise compound episodes became my faviorites and this one is easily the second best of em, with one more coming up topping it handily. But enough showing my hand, let’s talk about Season 3. Season 3 is a slight mixed bag, as some episodes don’t land, but overall is a really good season, it’s just sandwitched between the shows too best. But it did have good ideas, great world building and a hell of a cliffhanger. Some decisions, like Sgt. Hatred, weren’t the best, but overall a solid season, just like 3 it only managed to squeak out one entry, though TONS of possible cantidates. This episode has a great premise from the get go: Rusty, for once, has a decent idea. Yes it still results in a child dying and being replaced by a clone, but this is rusty. If something didn’t go terribly wrong on some level it wouldn’t be him. But the idea is simple: Since the cartoon based on his nightmarish childhood, which made him a minor celebrity and is why billy likes Rusty so much and looks up to him despite being.. Rusty, is a hit with the kids again, Rusty launches a day camp on the grounds, using his boys as counslers and having his various friends and aquantinces set up booths. From Orpheous and the order of the triad doing an anti drug presentation to the sea captain talking about the benefits of being a scooby doo villian, to Action Johnny, the series version of Johnny Quest renamed to avoid copyrights but very obviously Johnny Quest, whose strung out on drugs and can’t go a few minutes without going into a breakdown about his father or past. All good stuff. It actuallyg oes pretty well till rusty makes the mistake of going into an old thing of his d ad’s without checking and a gorilla monster attacks and gets the one child left behind, thankfully off screen, but it leads to the darkly hilarious bit of him rushing a clone out for his parents to avoid a justified law suit.

Meanwhile the boys and brock deal with a new figure in their lives: Dermott Fictel. As the creators put it they basically desgined him as that one kid everyone knows who talks shit, thinks he’s way more capable than he is, and way more knowledgble than he is and is kinda dopey. I had one of those, i’m sure you did too, and that’s probably part of why I really liked Dermott as I knew a guy just like him. Hank naturally, not having had any friends other than dean and H.E.L.P.er, bonds with the prick and the two become best friends right away. Dean however hates the little asshole for both constantly shit talking him and just being obnoxious. Brock soon joins the hate train as Dermott invades his karate demonstration to talk about how much of a badass he thinks he is and learned from the internet. Brock soon finds himself asking the age old question.

But since his code avoids women and children, he tries to find ways around it but Orpheous obviously isn’t having it. His other option is to go to the Monarch’s minons the Pupa Twins, aka the Moppets, Shiela’s old minons who the monarch’s basically stuck with and no one really liked in or out of universe. Their just assholes who treat 21 and 24 and the monarch himself like crap and are thankfully downplayed in Season 4, and only appear in Season 5 to die off and close up a plot thread. But credit where it’s due they did get one good bit, creepy as it may be and it’s this.

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With the Monarch not allowed to arch venture at the time due to plot stuff, the monarch’s mostly spying and sending the pupa twins in as spies which as you can see dosen’t really go well. Everything converges on the finale, as Rusty, again being rusty even when he’s mildly ahead child aside he still screws up, brings in Johnny’s old enemy Dr. Z, who like dermott is important but it’d take till the end of Season 5 for that. Johnny breaks down, Venture’s current nemisis arrives and finds there was a scheduling error and hten we get the crowning moment of the episode that makes it all come together magically: Dean gets to sit with Triana, whose actually being receptive to his crush for once, but also has to put up with Dermott.. who being Dermott, especially early dermott is an obnoxious jackass who makes creepy coments abotu Trianna and eventually sets Dean off

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Dermott doesn’t even get two seconds into telling Triana to wait naked for him, because of course he does before dean utterly destroys him. This being Dean, it’s with tears and snot running and coming off like an angry 8 year old, but he still deserves points for utterly decimating the asshole after a full day of taking his self indulgant bullcrap and having the guy be creepy to his crush. And to be fair Triana was dealing with him fine, but still Dean beat up someone twice his size and while lacking any actual fighting skill with at least enough bulk to beat him up and gave the fucker a black eye. Until season 7 with him just paying off the monarch to save his teacher from making a huge mistake, and to show how fed up he was, this was easily Dean’s best moment. Just a great capper to a great episode. Also Dermott turns out to be, possibly brocks son but.. more on that later.

7. Mid-Life Chrysalis (Season 1, Episode 3 (8 in Airing Order) As I said earlier Season 1 was a bit rough, though as all of you probably know most 1st seasons are, especially in animation. It takes time to iron out what really works for a show and get it going right. Bojack Horseman, while still excellent, took the first few episodes to really become what it was born to be, Steven Universe season 1a lacks the deep characterization of the main cast that and has loosey goosey animation, Ducktales had trouble character ballancing and ballancing adventure with deconstruction of adventure.. every show has growing pains. And while season 1 does have too much of the show basically trying to scream

Like some adult cartoons do, and not even it’s contepraries like sealab and harvey birdman did as much, both excellent excellent shows by the way. But even with my criticsims of it: Flat characters, a try hard tone, clumsy worldbulding in places.. it’s still a good show even this early and even as early as episode 3, with the first two being good.. but this one being an utter classic. It dosen’t QUITE have the emotoinal or character depth of later episodes but damn if it isn’t one of the funniest things the crew ever wrote.

Mid-Life’s two main plots are simple and start from the cold open: The Ventures get pulled over while on the way to an adventure by the air force, and Doc and Brock both encounter problems: Rusty being Rusty, his is petty and self loathing based as he gets called old or something like that by one of the air force people. Brock’s is a bit more serious: In a funny bit Brock LITERALLY has a legal lisence to kill, but given the burarcaey of the venture world, it’s expired. So we get our two main plots out of that: Rusty wants to prove he’s not old and still got it by dragging a sad Brock to a strip club. Brock is miserable as the owner mocks him, and he can’t kill him so there’s that and his attempt to have a quickie with a stripper fails because it’s just not the same without his murder boner apparently. Look as I said the show was a wee bit immature early on.. it never stopped being mind you it just became more goofily immature than screaming i’m an adult. Brock leaves in a huff which leaves Rusty open for the oldest trick in the book as the Monarch sends Shiela in in disguise to seduce him, go back to his place, and then stick him with a syringe full of science that turns him into a caterpillar because this is the monarch. Subtly is not even a suite of his let alone his strong suite. Though this also being the Monarch we only get a bit where he watches as the two make out, which is creepy as that sounds until a minon randomly turns out the lights and apolgoizes. He was getting juice. The episode also nicely parodies the trope of a female spy or whatever turning for the hero because of his dick as The Monarch assumes that happen when Shiela has doubts about the scheme, that he “turend her with his oily sex” which is an objectively horrible and paranoid statment but also incredibly hilarious. Thus the plots split and we get two really hilarious one: On Brocks end he with the boys encouragment, decides to retake his secret agent exam. And both boys really come into their own with this one: Dean’s adorably nerdy and sweet sides come out as he both encourages his second dad and helps him on the written portions, while hanks gung ho hankness emerges in full as he helps train brock, having him drink eggs that he probably spat in and in one of the best bits of the episode going a bit too far with the drill sgt routine till Brock helpfully points out he’ll legally be able to kill after this. The solution is also great as Brock not only avoids using his fire arm during one of the tests, instead uttelry decismating the target cutouts with just his kinfe and whatever he can rig up, and just scribbling icarus from the led zepplin albums on his test.. only for his proctor to pass him anyway as his dad and osi boss general treister, who we meet later, described brock as a living legend, and he did not dissapoint. And we get a great closer, after the main plto finsihes, where Brock shows the strip club asshole his fresh lisence before maiming him.. though even better, he DOSEN’T kill the guy as the asshole does show up again later, just missing an eye now.

Back on our main plot we get plenty of hilarious and messed up stuff as the boys barely react to their dad’s horrible state, their numb at this point, and doc gives out the classic line and easily the best of the episode “I pissed in god’s eye, and he blinked”. Doc tries to cure himself and fails both due to caterpillar hands and due to helper eating the chemicals, and tries to get helper to help him reinact the end of the fly. All good stuff. It’s just a good, solid comedy episode that both solidifies the character and makes you laugh near constantly.

6. The Terminus Mandate (Season 7, Episode 8) One of the best parts of the post Garantua shakeup of the show was the new council. After years of the council of 13 just being guys behind silouttes, mantle and dragoon nonwishtanding, Jackson and Doc replaced most of them with familiar charcters and gave a ton of them chances to shine while bringing in new ones like wide whale and easily their best later creation Red Death, more on him in a minute. It gave us a nice workplace dynamic and really made the guild pop more than ever. And this episode showcases this marvelously by giving the new council the spotlight. In this one the Council find that there’s an old mandate that means they must stop active arching in order to retain their spots, something they all agree to and thus leads to an episode of each of the council having one last ride as each are given an envelope of who their last arch is. And each is hilaroius, some even heartfelt, creative and fleshes out some of them. Going down the list, leaving out Shiela and Red death who has a more involved subplot for hers and has some other buisness entirely we’ll get to: Phantom Limb: Has, in a great gag, a literal dick measuring contest with Hunter Gathers. Just a simple effective gag. Radical Left: Is merged with his old arch enemy Right Wing so they simply play clue. Wide Whale: Has the least funny or enteratining but still entresting as he and his old arch are now friends and the guy even plays cards with Rocco, so rather than poision the well he just sends Rocco to rough him up a bit for old times sake, then take him to dinner. Dr. Z: Reminces with Action Johnny, the two considering each other family at this point and the two have a really nice moment with Johnny in rehab finally getting help that’s actually really touching and really nice to see.. though we also get an utterly fantastic bit where they recreate an actual scene from Johnny Quest but with Z lampshading how stupid everyone’s being.

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And finally we get Mantle and Dragoon, who spend the night binging tv and eating a ton, my mood and general schedule, afraid to open their envelope only to celebrate when they do and find their arches are all dead. Red Death meanwhile has buisness to take care of. Since I dind’t include Red Means stop on here I’d just like to talk about how much I love the guy. Voiced by clancy brown death is an old school legend in the guild whose great at arching, has a great gimmick.,. but can switch from horribly threatning monster to aflrable nice and loving family man, having a younger wife and a daughter whose utterly adorable and shares his face. He even wanted the guild spot simply so he could basically retire, get the nice pension plan and salary that comes with the guild without the rigors of regular arching having long settled things with his own arch by murdering him> he’s an utterly inspired edition and the crew, and fans, loved him enough he became a recurrer this season.

And his bit is both awesome and utterly terrifying: earlier the guild tried to parlay with rivals the peril partnership in order to stop the bleeding on their end, but their represntive, Blind Rage, a hilariously broey version of Daredevil, instead mocks and direspects them and is in general a pissant. So rather than do an arch, since he’s done with that anyway, Death evens the score in one of the shows best scenes, which like the rusty one above is an acomplishment years in and is an utterly terrifying and awesome villian scene.

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Clancy Brown is a fucking master at this. and it showss. As for Shiela her bit ends up tying into the Venture Family’s plot for the evening: Rusty courts a black widow, Teresa Diade because getting laid outweighs the possibility of death and we get a a great bit of dean pretending to be her as the family preps him. Naturally he bungles it because he takes too much anti venom, but Teresa turns out to be a former superhero, probably what actually happened to her husbands, and Shielias arch during her breif solo career. Though instead of an arching, though she try, Shiela instead breaks down over the stress of this, over possibly giving up arching with her husband for her career, and the two share a nice moment. I mean she still takes Diade’s wallet because she’s a villian after all but it’s a nice one and an emotoinal moment. She takes the job as revealed later of course, because even of this probably hurts the Monarch’s feelings a bit he wants what’s best for her. Because they have a damn good marriage again. overally a really inventive, hilarious episode and one fo the show’s finest hurrahs as it approached an untimley end.

5. Everybody Comes to Hanks (Season 4, Episode 12)

Season 4 as I said was my faviorite and one of it’s highlights was the duo of Bright Lights Dean City, which BARELY didn’t make this list, and Everbody Comes to Hanks. The two episodes followed the same period of time from the perspectives of each brother: Dean has an internship in new york city and Rusty’s bumming along, though being a dick he wants hank to have a job by the time he gets back. Hank, in a classic hank move, expands Hank Co from an ocasional name for his buisnesses to a full on department store with a restraunt and detective agency because of course he has those. It honestly reminds me of me: Even as a teen I was the kind of goofus who’d do this sort of elaborate stuff. But at the same time it shows hank’s best trait and the one that most people underestimate: his ingniuity and imagination. Sure the guy’s off in his own world, as am I, and it’s his charm, but when push comes to shove he can bust out a wacky scheme, save his family from danger or as seen earlier this list pull out a 3 point romantic gesture. The guy may be kinda dumb, int he best way, but he’s got the natural talent for the superhero/supervillian game and clearly wants to be his own bizzare version of batman, which I hope he gets to be and I prefer over the theroy he’ll be a villian. Sure it makes SOME sense.. but frankly hank’s good heart and love of theatrics and lack of care about the jackasses meancing his dad make him a way better superhero.

Anyways naturally said detective agency leads to both a noir homage, complete with lack of color and a case: Dermott, who at this point’s a bit more symapthetic, wants to know if brock’s really his dad or not and hires his best bud to do it. Hank also gets a partner in one fo the show’s best recurrers, the Alchemist, ba dah!, Orpheous’ best friend, teammate, sarcasm machine and out and proud magic guy voiced perfectly by Dana Snyder. He’s a good counterpart to Orpheous, sarcastic down to earth and fun loving to the more serious and full of himself Orhpeous and since Triana moving out in our next entry, has been Orpheous’ roomate and bored since he’s now in the middle of nowhere, so he’s eager to jump into Hank’s nonsense. What follows is a compelling detective story as Hank finds out Brock never slept with Dermott’s mom, and tries to find the real one.. and ends up stumbling upon the solution upon hooking up with Dermott’s older sister Nikki... which quickly goes sideways as he finds out not only is she twice his age, and even without that he’s still a minor and this is still creepy.. but she’s Dermott’s mom.. and RUSTY’S his father, with Dermott’s mom who raised him being his grandma. It’s a hell of a reveal that throws up the table both on Dermott’s relationship with Hank and the chraracter as a whole and has a great flashback where we find out how something this effed up happened and it’s incredibly well acted. It’s good stuff. Hank uses SPHYNX”s mindwipe machine on himself, since getting laid or not, which being hank he dosen’t see the problems with how it happened as long as he dosen’t know, sends a total recall esque message to himself on his watch so he knwos he got laid, jut not the horirble, horrible details. And I like that , unlike say Phineas and Ferb Across the Second dimension’s bullshit reset ending, this dosen’t erase the impact of things. Not hank loosing his virgnity that’s meaningless I mean Dermott. He’s still there, it jsut left at ticking time bomb of when that reveal’s going to go off, and added an intresting new dynamic that I hope if the show continues somehow gets explored. A masterful, fun and suprisingly disturbing episode, everybody should come to hanks. Also as one last post note i’d be remiss if I forgot the great bit of Hatred saying they only serve eggs at hanks cafe.

4. The Better Man (Season 4, Episode 7)

Now we get to Dr. Orpheous, who unsuprisingly is a faviorite of mine. While I wasn’t a big Dr. Strange fan till reading the old lee and ditko stuff, I was always a fan of Orpheous, a hammy divorced dad who will give fighting the hordes of hell the same gravitas as getting junk mail, putting some punks souls in a homies figurine, and venture stealing his weedwacker. He’s a truly loveable character, a silver age pompus style hero in a world he dosen’t quite fit, with more power and competence than most venture bros protaganists, but still having things thta hold him back: while he’s good at his job his own drive and self importance drove away his ex wife and leaves him with not much in his life other than his daughter. And for the first time in the series he’s forced to face his wife leaving him for another man when said man shows up : The Outrider, a seemingly cooler mystic hero whose better at both being a husband and being a sorecer and stops some creature The Order of the Triad fights after their arch torrid sumons him. Orpheous stews over this a bit and after failing to make hisown doorway to hell t one up his non-arch nemisis, visits another classic character for the series: the Master. Voiced by Voice Acting Maestro John Benjamin, pre his biggest roles with archer and bob’s burgers but post his breakout with home movies. The Master is a no nonsense mystic entity who loves taking the piss out of orpheous and loves his student even if Orpheous agrviates him. He also has a neat visual habit of showing up in a diffrent shapeshifted form each time to teach his pupil a lesson.. and to do weird sex stuff because he can multi task and we see Trainai’s mom for the first time, though with the master just using the form to taunt Orpheous on his personal failings as usual but has a good point. Soon however the group returns to the portal from hell and find Torrid and Outrider.. and torid explodes and sends the rider to hell, forcing Orpheous and co to rescue him, with Orpheous finding out via a clue from the master that the outrider embeded an artifact in his head to travel between worlds, the one thing orpheous could never master, as a shortcut.. and said thing gets al and orpheous stuck with the outrider. There we see the contrast: Orpheous is indeed the better sorcerer.. but the outrider’s the better husband and while if his wife cheated on him that’s fucking terrible, it’s clear he didn’t STEAL Tatiana so much as she left Orpheous for someone that geniuinely appricated her. The hatched it buried and it’s godo character work. Speaking of which we get to Jefferson Twilight, a blade parody who hunts Blackulas (his words and leads to a great moment in his debut where a supervillian tries to find a more pc term for it but Jefferson poitns out since he primarly hutns oversea “African americian” dosen’t really work), and the guy on the team reguarly compalning about having no magic ability.. but who finds he CAN move between worlds and astral project, to his delight and Al’s annoyance. It’s an adorable and well won moment as he finaly finds SOMETHING magic he can do. The other plot, which dovetails nicely into Orpheous concerns Dean’s longstanding crush on Triana, another pin to pull from earlier this list. I shipped them when I was younger but this episode, and one coming up on this list, pointed out how it jsut didn’t work: Dean’s naivite combined with his lack of making a move just didn’t mesh with her. IT’s something the creators agreed on realizing they just had no use for Triana, but both hating the cliche of a character just vanishing and thus giving her a proper sendoff instead. Dean tries to move on after another unsucessful attempt to talk her up, with Hank and Dermott playing his wingmen, unsucessfully but Dean actually hits it off with a girl.. a girl we never see again but still and Dermott actually offers sound advice for once.. which given events before and after this prompts Dean to quip “better check the temprature in hell”. He just says to take things slow and just call the girl, maybe ask her out, don’t overblow it again or try too hard. It’s good stuff and like our last entry deepens the character a bit by showing that he’s not always a dumbass. Just mostly. On Triana’s end she enters her dad’s closet, again having done so before and as shown in previous episodes Orpheous always mindwiped her, and it turns out it’s not the first time as the Master sees great talent, but sees she needs to be taught by her mother and step dad, where she can find other witches and learn at her own pace.. maybe befriend an older witch and a demon, find her own personl lesbian. We’ll see how it goes. He TRIES scaring her out fo a future with dean, but fails because.. she had no intrest in dean whatsoever and there was nothing to scare her away from. The Master is confident this will lead to nothing.. but as we see in the stinger.. this isn’t the case. Byron for once grew, and rather than wipe his daughter’s brain to keep the last family he has outside of his buddies close, as he likely did before out of fear of loosing her... lets her go. He grows letting his daughter grow up and take the long path he did and hopefully better than either of her parents, while Dean “let’s her down gently’. Triana was a godo character, a downt o earht presence in theboys life and wiry, but it was time for her to fly and it’s a good note to send her off on and overall pure magic.

3. All This and Gargantua 2! (Special between Seasons 5 and 6)

ONto another charcter’s sendoff we have JJ, Doc’s brother he absorbed in the womb who came back somehow and then became way more sucessful and spent all of seasons 4 and 5 building a space Station. And this episode pays that and MANY other threads off in a giant sized epic that’s one of the series finest moments. it’s the Gargantua 2′s grand opening, with Doc and the boys going up. Hank goes to gamble and adventure, with Hank bucks obvoiusly, while Doc and Dean are called to Visit JJ.. whose dying, his body shutting down shortly after he finalyg ot life and wanting this satilite to be his final work. but soon the three, along with col treister who we’ll get to in another entry, have ot save the world with JJ touchingly sacirficing himself just as both brothers finally reconciled and Doc finally accepted him. It’s a powerful subplot. Said calamity comes in the form or another loose end, the revenge socieyt, Phantom Limb’s splinter group who are attacking and are unknowing pawns in the soverign, who turns out not tbe bowie which is good becaue he dies here and that would’ve been eerie, and his mad plans to try and outwit the investors, msyterous beings. Yeah i’m going to have to try and summarize a lot here as htis is a big, continuity drive spectacle and it works well if wonkily. TO mak ea long story short our heroes fight on a satlite, and dr. henry killinger, marry poppins meets kissinger with a magical murder bag, fights his brethern and reforges the guild with the various villians tryign to stop the soverign or leftover from the society. The special is one big bit of fanserice that ties up loose ends and launches a bold new era. I don’t have as much to say as other entires but it’s this high up because few episodes match it in sheer importance, scale, humor and timing, it’s just harder to dig into because again, it’s an hour long special with lots of stuff from the series up to that point. it’s what makes it work but it’s harder to dig into in this short a space. Maybe someday soon. either way i’ts a garganguan achivment that feels like a huge pot of payoff after 5 seasons of effort and is utterly worth the ride.

2. Showdown at Cremation Creek, Parts 1 and 2 (Season 2) Yes this is a two parter. Yes i’m giving it one spot but it’s my list and this is basically a special like the two entires it’s sandwitched between just sliced in half. So pitter patter, let’s talk about this one.

Showdown was the finale to the stellar season 2, a step up from season 1 that refined the good raw matieral there into something truly stupdencous and it all comes to a head here in a wonderful epic in the might venture maner in that it manages to feel epic while still being hiilarious, characer driven and self parodying. After a season apart the Monarch and Shielia have reonciled and are having an affair behind Phantom Limb’s back.. though given LImb is a sexist piece of shit who dosen’t value Shielia as a parter or part of his orignization while the Monarch has come around to doing so and did even with his crazy jealousy, it’s forgivable. Shelia wants more form him and the Monarch takes hte painful step of agreeing to stop arching venture. This dosen’t last obviously, but still. HOwever it does lead to pure hilarity when his henchman for the bachelor party, after the monarch went home, kidnapping the ventures, having gottne brock while he was drunk and distracted. Still with fatalities but still.. it’d be the best day of their lives anyo ther day. But to avoid pissing off his fiance who likely woudln’t belivie the truth, he makes up a story of inviting them to a wedding as an olive branch and does so> The whole situation also leads to my faviorite venture line: 24: Holy shit I thought we dreamnt that part! Anyways our gang are soon split up, Brock attends awkardly, Dr. Venture tries to hit on the bride over mid life chriaslys earlier, and we get the dawn of one of the show’s best buddy duos: 21 and Hank. The two being huge nerds quickly bond, and 21 helps hank sneak into the wedding as “Igor Badguyovich via an old henchman uniform, cleverly one of the ones from the pilot. Dean ends up getting stuck in the engine room and ends up spending the two parter hallucinating and going on a patichse version of never ending story while also letting loose his hatred of his boy advenutering lifestyle. It’s prue fun and good stuff. David Bowie, or someone impersnating him, aka the soverign arrives along with Klaus Nomo and Iggy Pop for the wedding as an old frirend of shelias giving her away. But soon things go as bad as a superhero wedding does, becuase supervillians apparently aren’t immune to that as Phantom Limb attacks, deciding to throw a cou because he can’t kill the guy his ex actually likes or get promtoed and with bowie’s enorage as his moles attacks and tries to take shiela by force. The result is great as brock moblizies the minons, and unbenwonst to him, hank to fight, dean has his epic adventure and rusty and monarch try to do.. something. It’s all great stuff while Bowie fights limb in an epic battle we sadly barely see but what we do is glorious. It’s all good stuff. An donly one episode tops it in scope, humor and spectacle and in my heart.

1. Operation P.R.O.M. (Season 4, Episode 16) The show’s best season goes out with it’s best episode. I could close it out there but given i’ve rambled about every other episode why stop now? It’s Homeschool Prom Night! Doc’s gathered their various allies, the order of the triad, pete and billy , shoreleave and brock, along with Hatred who has replaced his hatred tats with a big v.. excpet the d over his junk which is unfortunate. 21 joins in genuinley and because he’s having a crisis while monarch and sheila crash with hatred’s ex as a baragning chip to see wha’ts up and end up joining in.

The boys are as sucessful getting their own dates as you’d expect: no one will return Hank’s calls but since he runs into best buddy Dermott on the way brings him along as long as their band can play, which is easily the highlight of the episode as their glorious and terrible garage band Shallow Gravy makes it’s debut. Figures I can’t put video in right as the article’s almost done.. but back on point.. Dean brings Triana who has a boyfriend now who resembles Edward Cullen, because tha’ts aged really well, which bugs the crap out of him even though he moved on and casues him to act like a pissant and get a corsage thrown in his face as he should. Dean ends up following Dermott and Hank’s advice to go try and “win her back” with a big romantic gesture... which listneing to dermott on a romantic gesture should be grounds for being delcared legally braindead.. it goes terribly with the big plan instead burning a t on her lawn, and the ghost robes making Dean look like the kkk. The outrider tells him to be happy after beating him up over the mixup, a mixup that REALLLLY hasn’t aged well, and Dean tells him to fuck off. End of their time but it’s good stuff and caps a great season of hank. And while I don’t LIKE dean’s behavior here, it’s nice to see him not act like a good person for a second, and to be as human and faliable as the rest of htem, even if it means beeing deeply unlikable and his next relationship which sadly just.. never got picked up again, would go better. And the one after that.. not getting into that mess. What the hell guys. It’s really good stuff.

Naturally given all these cast members ther’es a lot else going on: Rusty hires prostitues for the evening because of course he does and fails with his because of course he does.. and because it turns out his name is a sex act which leads toi a long and inspried bit of bleeping as everyone has their own version and we see tons of recurrers way in to Rusty’s horror. Rusty being inscensed tires using an aprohdeiasc , specially spanish fly taken from an actual fly, one of my faviorite bits mostly for this bit after billy gapes in horro at the giant monster fly. Doc: Don’t scream you’ll just piss it off and it screams acid when it’s pissed off. And I alredy dids that when I ripped it’s wings off. His scheme is of course utterly terrible but it’s Rusty, and i’m unsuprised and he dosen’t benifit from it as we’ll get into. Al and Shore Leave bond while 21, in a pogniant subplot, realizes he’s had enough and quits his job and through Orpheous realizes his firend isn’t a ghost, but a guilt induced hallucinaiton and lets him go, joining the team implicitly. It’s really good character stuff. Finally we have the espionge portion. WHile Shore leave is at the party Gathers leaves Brock, once he’s finished chauffering the boys, to watch Monstroso, who they recently captured and gathers wants to use as a barganing chip. But gathers soon finds previously introduced Agents Doe and Cardholder wanting to topple agency head Hunter Gathers, one of my faviorite recurring characters mostly due to being performed by the increidble Toby Huss, a batshit general whose basically nick fury with a kentucky accent and no real filter or fucks to give and he’s utterly hilarious any time he shows up. He’s been claming his cancer treatments have turned him into a Hulk, and why yes that is their exact terminology. Turns out agents doe and cardholder have been playing along with this seeming delusion to try and outst treister.. and take the OSI over for the guild, being the traitors Gathers suspected were there. However in a brilliant turn, this sub plots resolves as all should: on the bridge of hteir hellicarrier, with Treister draped only in the american flag with a post it note saying fix it on his chest. He reveals that while the cancer is real, the “hulkking” out was just playing them: he knew they were the double agents, and was using Gather’s to ferit them out. However that’s not the only reason: Treister knows his odds of beating cancer are slim so he’s come up with a resonable solution: Shoot himself up into space, as seen in the image for this entry, and see if aliens can cure it. They don’t but space radiation does as he returns later and not only that while he’s lost in the special, after brilliantly ACTUALLY having become a hulk, Doc and Jackson revealed in the making of book they had plans to possibly have him come back as their version of GALACTUS at one point, only holding back on it because their not sure if they want to go full cosmic or not. We’ll see if the show comes back in longform but god I hope so. If not i’m sure as hell doing it. But Treister hands the wheel over to gathers literally and metaphorically, passsing the reigns of the ship and the OSI over to him so Gathers can run it right, and then well.. shoots himself up into space, ending up as the last image of the hour long masterwork. But befroe that theres one last plot that leads into what I consider to be the show’s best scene. Brock finds out the hard way that the other Sphinx agent on duty is actually his ex molotov cocktease, who skirts monstroso away because she’s fallen for him, to brock’s rage. While Brock catches up to them, Mol reveales she has a trump card: The prostitues venture hired are actually her mercinary crew the blackhearts, and if she dosen’t give the signal everyone dies.. and being an utter dick Mol lets the car brock’s holding up off a cliff drop with her and monstroso inside.. though they come back eventually because universe that’s basically a comic book. So we get THIS SEQUENCE THAT’S IN CAPS BECAUSE THEY STOPPED LETTING ME PUT VIDEOS IN THIS ONE FOR SOME REASON AND IT’S ALMOST DONE. It’s easily the show’s best as Pulp’s amazing “Like a Friend” plays as brock rushes to save everyone, finds everyone having a good time thanks to rusty’s spanish fly, and Shore Leave and Al doing the v-day sailor kiss which is amazing, and then all the blackhearts turn into fly monsters because Rusty. It’s a great, tense gorgeously animated sequence that ends showing just how far brock’s come: From an angry asshole who hates everyone to these guys genuine friend.. and still a badass. overall just a great, spectacular finale and the best of one fo the best animated shows period. And with that the list concludes. This took me 2 days worth of adruous work so I hope you enjoyed it. Follow me for more including regular coverage of Amphibia, Ducktales starting back up later this month.. and as of tommorow possibly the loud house! Expect more venture bros including reviewcaps coming soon and if you want to comission your own reviewcap for 5 bucks, just hit up my personal messages or ask box, or just hit it up iwth a casual suggestion i’m bound to listen. Either way until next time, Go Team Venture. And I can think of only one way to properly close this. Play us off sea captain.

#the venture bros #rusty venture #brock sampson #dean venture #hank venture #the monarch #dr mrs the monarch #henchman 21 #serena ong #dermott fictell #byron orpheous

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