artisnowy

[artisnowy]

I am mourning my grandma

the one who died almost a year ago, December 12th 2023

it's so weird that my other one wants to drug me

The one I spent so many summers with

that i spent almost every week with and slept on a air mattress in front of her old massive TV which width was larger than mine and length was taller than my hieght

shaving cream and Richard Simons of a time that died with her

while the other prays my existence away

asking my father to drug me rather than let me continue

Thinking that refusing to tell one their sinning is a sin themselves

I don't even have the grandma I could joke with about this

I wish you were still here

you keep appearing in my dreams as if you never left

your spirit is coercing me that your with me

and yet I'm no longer able to see you around

[artisnowy]

These past two weeks have been hell

many will say it's due to the inauguration

and while I don't disagree, i have so much else to share

My grandma, the one who told my dad to sneak drugs into my food to fix me

called me satan

said I was doing satan infused drug

that I was a zombie to a satan drug dealer

and that she was sending the carmelite nuns after me and wanted me exorcised.

that was sent to my dad, uncle and aunts

and aparently the next day she had more to say

but my dad won't let me see that

and I wish that was the end of it

this weekend I had a sleepover with a friend

it was supposed to be calm and relaxing

and for the most part it was

but their uncle wanted to work on matnience for a car he wants them to buy

ignoring the fact that his first interaction with me was clarifying everything I heard was true except he wasn't misogynistic or transphobic

but he promised he wouldn't yell at my friend that night

That promis was not kept and in a random garage he drove us to in a dangerous part of town to do matnience

he yelled and berated my friend past the point of being "a lesson"

but i had to hold my tounge for our safety because he was our ride and we would have been screwed if he left

but we were screwed while he was there.

Keeping us up til 4 am while we begged to leave.

I ended up holding my friend throughout the night, wiping their tears in their sleep

and a couple nights later they had me write down everything that happened cause their memory started blocking it out as a trama response.

Luckily they aren't taking the car and the uncle is moving away while they stay safe in their college dorm from them but im so worried about them.

While at the doctors my hands turned corpse blue from me just standing up.

I've been to dizzy and nauseous to stand for more than 5 minutes

and I have been informed that someone i talked to twice has pedophilia allegations against them and the fact that i have been told has caused drama i don't want to be in the middle of.

I... am so tired.

And i need a break from this constant fight or flight

but I know I can't until I know everyone else is ok

because that's who I am.

This isn't a poem

But the experiences scarred along my body

and while I want to wash the blood off my my friends

I will let the leeches finally consume me

[artisnowy]

I feel so congested and I just want to talk to you and be around you

[artisnowy]

I feel so congested with love and feelings is can't express

[artisnowy]

I feel like a countdown has started, and I don't know what it's to

[artisnowy]

I turned off anonymous asks for my account atleast temporarily cause I got paranoid and freaked out and would rather know who is sending the asks then freak out wondering

[artisnowy]

A not-quite-old little drawing with turrets from portal

[artisnowy]

so paranoid and anxious rn gang

[artisnowy]

Im scared, I recognize a habit of clingyness i have and I am scared. This habit has caused many people to leave and I don't want you to and while I don't think you have seen it yet i know you will.

I don't hide it well, I know that. but I am worried that I will do something that will cause you to leave and I'm scared of risking that but I'm also scared of not letting myself be like this. I guess I'm just kinda doomed aren't i

[artisnowy]

Im considering texting you on your birthday. And I'll be honest that has been weighing heavy on my mind. parts of me wants you back in my life and want to return to something that resembles what we used to have and another part of me desperately wants to let you go and never see you or hear from you again. I wonder if that's what your doing, while you say you couldn't be friends I'm aware your still watching me, and I see you still interacting in my life. I'm just not sure i like this middle area we are stuck in

[artisnowy]

I see patterns I've seen before, and I'm utterly scared because I dont want to lose what I've gotten

[artisnowy]

Sometimes I wonder if I specifically call out anonymous askers if they will appear, like a pigeon or an owl coming to collect my message but the message is my new latest trama patch update

[artisnowy]

Dude Satan is your drug dealer that fucking rocks bro

yeahhh ikr like how do I even get these connections

[artisnowy]

according to my grandma i need to be exorcised cause I am satan but also I do a bunch of satan infused drugs aparently but also satan is my non-existent drug dealers giving me sinning drugs to turn me into a zombie? cause someone fact check this thanks 🙏

[artisnowy]

I'm sure you've seen the current state of the world with the presidency so I just wanted to tell you to stay strong and keep going. Its horrible but we can't let him supress us. Be angry but be safe. Things suck but we can fight it. 🫡

Thank you same to you, stay strong and move forward. be angry and use that anger to help those who cannot help themselves. don't let them push us to a point of desperation.

Honestly my last post about anger was in refrence to personal events rather than what's going on but I am angry about whats going on

[artisnowy]

Allow this anger boiling in me to fuel myself ability to protect and comfort you rather than a force used against another

[artisnowy]

Hang in there everyone. Hang in there..