#carlos cant even comprehend whats going on

[bibewilderedandbuck]

You can see the moment Carlos realizes that this scared chaotic bunny of a man is actually proposing. He’s not catastrophising, he’s not panicking, he’s not even a little scared. He’s planning. TK the chronic spontaneous leap before you look disaster is planning his future. And the one thing he knows he wants, the one person he sees being there for the long haul? It’s you Carlos. He wants to be with you. Forever.

[thepunksink]

WE BETTA HEAR THIS DRAMATIC ASS HIGHSCHOOL SHIT. (╯°□°)╯GIVE US THE TEA. ヽ(°□°ヽ) GIVE US THE TEA (╯°□°)╯.GIVE US THE TEA ヽ(°□°ヽ).GIVE US THE TEA. (╯°□°)╯

Alright here we go, heres the layout. It’s my Junior year at Clarksburg High School, middle of the year when everyone thirsty and bored. Our class gets this foreign exchange student from Spain and  every fucking girl in the school is trying to bust their pussy open for him. You cannot enter one conversation with a female member of the school without him (Carlos??? I think?) being brought up. I thought he looked eh, just your basic looking white boy with flippy hair and I never talked to him so I didn’t really care about him, but I was friends with his buddy who was an exchange student from Germany. I liked baking cookies and giving em out to people at school just cos I liked seeing people smile and usually when I made my rounds Id give a few to my German friend and the Spanish kid. We’d talk a bit, Spanish kid would give me a weird look without saying anything so I thought he was being awkward cos he assumed I didn’t speak Spanish. Soon I noticed the Spanish kid showing up to my Spanish class every day just to chill with the teacher and I noticed he would STARE ME THE FUCK DOWN from her desk. Like, kid had no shame, it was weird I never let on that I noticed but everyone at my group table (all girls) kept pointing it out and being giggly. Then eventually he started walking over and sitting with my table group to talk to me and I could FEEL the classroom burning a hole into the back of my head bitches were ANGRY. I was hoping to god he was just doing this to be friendly since we share a mutual friend. After that he started walking with me during lunch, we swapped small talk and he found me on facebook. One day he messaged me proposing we skip class together and go outside. I thought it was a little weird that you message someone a few days before skipping but whatever I said why not and before I knew it we were sitting outside against a wall and I was telling him how I thought it was funny that every girl in the school had a thing for him and he like BORES HIS EYES INTO MY SOUL and asks why I don’t. I say I don’t know I just don’t. This guy with his fuckin scary eyes looks at me with the dramatic anime stare and tells me that he loved me the minute he saw me a few weeks ago, tells me about how the reason he would go to my class was to be able to see me and after noticing I doodled alot he would wait for me to leave class so he could look through the class worksheets for my paper to look at my handwriting and all my doodles, talks about how he knows he has a reputation as a player and (to my discomfort) goes into detail about how many girls he’s fucked and partied with back home and here and that no girl he’s ever met in his life made him feel the way I do by just standing in the same room and that the whole world is nothing compared to me like I mean this dude was DRAMATIC so after like this long ass pretty much love ballad he drops on me  I panic and I say I have feelings for him too even though I didn’t, I just literally had no idea what to do In the situation. He starts making out with me, I’m totally fuckin lost but I’m a thirsty bitch and already stuck in this situation so I’m enjoying the fuck outta playing tongue tag, we eventually go back inside he drops me off at class and kisses me and walks off. literally everyone saw and now all the girls are asking me questions and I’m like SHIT bruh what do I do. Next thing I know a few girls are coming up to me here and there asking if I’m dating the exchange student and shit and I cant give an answer cos I’m not trying to let them know that yeah everyone saw us kiss but I have 0 feelings for his dramatic Fabio esque ass. The next morning I’m walking the halls with my squad when he sees me in the hallway, pulls me aside and pushes me against a door hugging me and trying to kiss me and I tell him we need to talk. He agrees and clearly has no clue that I’m about to burst his telenovela bubble and he wont let go of my hand while were walking. I tell him we aren’t a thing and we cant be a thing, he looks like I just told him his mom died and now he’s begging and like proclaiming his love for everyone to hear and I tell him that he doesn’t love me, he’s only started talking to me a week ago and doesn’t know me. Meanwhile everyone in the halls staring and he’s cutting me off blubbering that he is madly in love with me so I pull out the “he’s leaving for Spain in two weeks and I can’t date someone who’s leaving forever” excuse. This motherfucker looks at the floor, looks back up and asks me to RUN AWAY WITH HIM. I’M KNOCKED THE FUCK OFF MY SANITY FOR A SECOND TRYING TO COMPREHEND WHAT IS GOING ON THIS JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL YEAR OF MY LIFE. I tell him I cant, he insists, “come with my back to Madrid! run away come on the plain with me and live in Spain with me!” I tell him there’s no fuckin way I’m flying to Madrid with him, I ain’t got no money and I’m not about to leave the country with some guy I just met, and that was that. The same night he messaged me begging to run away with him, and if not that then to at least be his girlfriend until he leaves because he’s fallen in love with me and is depressed without me or some shit. I’m basically over here with the equivalent of having my arms deep in a clogged toilet trying to ram the shit back down the drain as it’s trying to bubble the fuck up and wife me. Even our German friend messages me telling me he doesn’t care if I date his crazy friend or not but to at least talk to him or something because he’s getting too annoyed with sharing a room with him when he cant stop moaning about “his lost love” every day all the time. Two weeks later they left and Spain guy messaged me one more time with a simple “I love you” and then I blocked him. Hands down THE MOST dramatic person I’ve ever met in my life, and guess who the fuck doesn’t want to go to Madrid nope. Also every girl in my science class  (the class he kissed me in front of )hated me for the rest of the year

[for-ever-andkindaalways]

10/8/17

I don't even know what to write. I don't even know what I am doing. What even is life right now.

1. Last week a weird thing happened. Out of nowhere I became numb. I fel nothing but everything all the same time. I wasn't sad but I was emotionless. I didn't feel like I was in my body. I couldn't comprehend anything Katharine was saying and I couldn't speak back. I felt bad because Katharine probably thought I was ignoring her or that I was mad at her, but I wasn't. I just was lost.

2. I continue to feel so alone and I cant shake it. I feel like deep down no one wants me and that everyone is going to leave. I know I have people. I know I have people that I could vent to but I keep stopping myself.

3. I cry so much. I am so damn sensitive

4. Fuck you Carlos

5. Dylan. He is one of my best friends. I met him junior year and he is so important to me. We have so many great memories together. He took me out of my comfort zone. He always made me laugh and we understood each other. Even though I have secretly had feeling for him, it was nice to have a guy friend that was not romantic. We got drunk together. We played COD together. My favorite was when he would just text me “I am here” and would show up to my apartment. I would get in his car and he would always have a plan. He would never tell me where we were going or what we were doing and it was great. Sometimes it scared me because I like to know the plan but it also was so exciting. He was always on the worst receiving end of my mood swings. He dealt with my random chaotic outburst and my days of ignoring him because I didn't want to speak to anyone. He was there. But now he has Laura. I feel like I have lost a friend. And he is in such a dark time right now and I feel like I cant do anything because he has someone else. I just want to be there for him but I don't know how or what to do.

6. I love drinking. I miss hydrocodone and I love anything that makes me feel nothing.

7. I am angry at my dad. I am angry that he is the way that he is. I hate it for my mom. I hate it for Elliott and I hate it for me. I hate that I had to grow up so fast and deal with it at such a young age. I remember always checking his hiding spots. I remember the triangle that I was in with my parents. I remember finding the alcohol, keeping it to myself and then finally telling my mom only for her to turn around and tell my dad. This turned into him coming to me and apologizing and saying he would stop and then making me feel bad and going right back to it a few days later. I have so much anger towards him and it is still effecting me now. He taught me to keep it all in. He taught me to not say anything and not show my emotions. He taught me that I am not worth getting sober for.

7. I am angry at Margaret. She was my best friend. We were so close for 8th grade and 9th grade. Then shit got hard. Mimi and Papas divorce was final and I was severely depressed. It took so much courage for me to finally open up and tell her. And it blew up in my face. She stopped talking to me. She spread rumors to all of my friends and she left me. She taught me that I shouldn't open up because it will just bite me in the ass and everyone leaves.

8. I am angry at Mimi. She was my favorite person in my life. I was at her house much of my childhood. She spoiled me and she loved me. Then she ruined it. She was psychotic. She tore up the family and then left. She found a new life while leaving us in the dust. She taught me that the people closest to me will leave, even family.

Life weirdly sucks right now. Bipolar runs and ruins my life. It is so scary to think that this will be a part of me for the rest of my life. My skin feels like TV static. My meds make my emotions crazy. I am so depressed but I cant show it. I am anxious and I feel like I have so much to say but no way to say it. I feel like I could cry for a week straight but also I could punch a wall. I feel reckless but also I overthink everything and I am cautious. I need people and hate being alone but also I just want to lock myself in my room all day. I need a hug. A long hug. I feel so self destructive. I recently cut and burned myself again. The only difference is that this time I am not hiding it. I wore short sleeves and no one has said anything. Which is relieving and not at the same time.

Everything is weird. I am sad and angry but for everyone else, I am great.