#careening through life with the grace of a tsundere intergalactic battlecruiser

[wysteir]

Nobody asked but yes, it DOES feel good to be one of the most handsome women going around downtown!!! 😤

Suspenders were one of the best choices I've ever made in my entire life

Do I look like your grandpa?

Yes. But sexier. And more handsome.

And there's nothing anyone can do about it.

I do also look like Giovanna IG and that's extremely cool but it's not as funny

[wysteir]

CAREENING THROUGH LIFE!!!

WITH THE GRACE OF AN

INTERGALACTIC

TSUNDERE

BATTLECRUISER

what im learning is that you cannot avoid your way into a life you enjoy

[wysteir]

There is the same amount of fear in my heart as there always was, but I'm just strong enough to stay afloat and swim despite the weight

My hands shake less. It's easier to believe in anything. I suppose I /could/ thank my upbringing for instilling me with blind faith

I won't give it the credit though

I'll be my own goddess, self-made, in the bones of my temple. A pitiful and frail thing in the grand scheme of things, but I am mine, I am something I have faith in

Even if nobody else would

Perhaps nobody else did, before

Things are different now. I no longer have to crawl, I learned to walk. After much walking, I think it's a good time to run

[wysteir]

Giggling, kicking my feet, twirling my hair, while I pick out new weapons and parts to take to the next engagement w my beloved mecha~

Going blushy blushy kyaa thinking about rocketing headlong towards my opponent and trading hits

[wysteir]

“In the end it’s only ever been one step, and then the next.”

― Ann Leckie, Ancillary Mercy

[wysteir]

.

I think about my old dead prince a lot

I remember when he looked out to the open field and dreamed of running away

I remember that young selfish prince

He had everything. He had nothing.

He had stability. He was unstable.

Volatile

Dead

I puppet his corpse around to look presentable at work. To leech off his name, his records, his work.

All my responsibility now, for as long as it remains "Convenient" and "Practical" and "Efficient"

When was it that he realized he was unkind?

How often did I self reflect since his death, how often did he, before? My chrysalis, my prince, my larval form, ghost that haunts me.

.

.

In some ways I was lucky to be a contrarian smartass, at least for a little while. Realized quick that it was better to remain silent sometimes. Spent a decade learning how to sit down and stay quiet.

But I used to go to church, or at least be forced to go. I wondered why my parents were unkind sometimes when they gossiped about strangers, why we had to spend an hour kissing ass to a God who really didn't have to give a shit about us.

I thought about Gods, about how different things can be incomprehensible, and I wondered how much we really understood.

People barely understand each other

They'll assume the worst of someone and when proven wrong they'll make up more facts to keep allowing themselves to assume the worst of that poor sap

I don't think my parents will make it to heaven immediately, but don't tell them I said that. It doesn't really matter anyway, I'm sure if it's all real St. Peter will give them a good talking-to and maybe they'll get a lecture from the J-Man himself

Not that I'd think they'd listen anyway

Not that I was much better

Well, I DID consider priesthood once. The prince did, anyway. Poor thing.

Exhausted. Wondering when he'd ever get to live. Desperately crawling towards the next milestone, the next stage of life, larva, larva, larva, larva, always. No power for you, my dear sweet prince, not until you become king.

The sermons got stale a dozen years in see. Parables were repeated and he got to hear a bold new take on a story- who even gave a priest the right to declare that as true. He coulda made something up. Something better. He thought he could.

It was a way out, for a tired, weary soul. So that he could stop striving for greatness. Stop having his life in upheaval. Finally have a day to day routine. It's a shame he died, but it had to end this way. He would have never been happy.

And you know, even if I woke up and took over the version of him that was ordained, I'd probably abandon everything anyway.

I think.

I hope.

.

.

I was supposed to be a story teller you know. One of the first things I did for my friends in early elementary was come up with situations for make believe to put them in. I ran a dungeon once, across the walls of the playground.

It's why I loved video games so much. Then later tabletop games.

But it was all for the sake of making a video game when I grew up

You know, you can do everything for the game, right. You can make the art, the music, the writing, the code, everything.

It was all for that.

My first act of self, I think, that splintered the prince's mask.

What would he do, when he grew up?

He would do game programming for a living, then maybe make smaller games on the side for himself.

I would learn the arts, participate in the joy of creation, tell a story, share my soul with those who would listen

Take pride in my job making something big

Take pride in my hobby making something personal

And if it all failed, I would still have a degree in software I could use that would give me an edge up

Convenient. Practical. Efficient.

Excuses in the hopes of a dream come true.

My parents approved but I wasn't ready

I never learned how to work hard

I never learned a thing

I relied on natural talent

I relied on being inspired to work

He fell apart and I couldn't pull him together

He broke

The world shattered him, I never graduated

But a break wasn't suggested

I had to drag his corpse along

I stubbornly declared I still wanted to follow my dream. It was all I had left

I wasn't ready but there was nowhere to go

Nowhere to hide

I transitioned in secret before making it through my courses

Slowly burying his fragments and replacing them with my own until only his "face" remained

God would not save me, no matter how hard I prayed. He wouldn't even kill me.

I was alone, I was lonely, I was nobody

I thought a lot about people who went to church

I thought a lot about how personalities formed and how people grew

I thought a lot about the empty shell of instincts that formed my dead prince

I thought about virtues, maxims, likesz dislikes, habits, actions, reactions

I thought of a beautiful woman, who was kind, attractive, and cool

It was too late to grow into her naturally

But I could become her

I almost named myself Prattil Decordas. The silver lining. I didn't like it very much

Now Wisteria stands before you

She is a devil, a witch of sorts, a plant I suppose. She is of earth and wind. She is a saint, how she envisions a saint should be: godless, virtuous, proper, just. She enjoys being a maid and hates being looked down upon

She is the heart I grew under this porcelain shell

She's me

Goodnight, and rest forever, dear prince

I will take it from here

[wysteir]

.

My heart is still fragile

Lots of folks tell me I shouldn't keep it that way, but I think I will

I've spent so much time trying not to feel anything, trying not to let things get to me, trying anything and everything

Now I have a mask I don't like using that doesn't even cover my whole face

Now I have silence /

/ Now I lost much of my voice

They're useful, sure

But I didn't grow or anything. The silence was good in some ways and bad in others. I HAVE always wanted to curb the impulse to just say whatever, I HAVE wanted to get to take a moment before I spoke. And the price I paid was losing much of my ability to speak up. I had to relearn that one, it's still hard.

I have a lot of trouble "naturally" engaging in a conversation beyond listening! If your reading this and think I've been doing a good job, I really appreciate it.

I am trying very, very hard

It's a little difficult with a fragile heart, it's really scary actually!!! I had to learn bravery, to get to somewhere better. I'm scared a lot of the time so I have to be brave a lot of the time and shit, it's exhausting when I have to actually think about it

None of the learning was fun

But I was blessed to have good friends, to make good friends, and to deepen friendships, over the course of the decade

Fell in love and drifted out of it

Indulged infatuations for worse, for better

I keep making mistakes! I just keep making them, and I hated getting back up and it was miserable and anything. But I really wanted to be able to get back up. I really really wanted to be kind, to be cool, to be sexy

It felt silly but hey, maybe it would help if it wasn't so serious. I wanted to smile, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to be alright

Hell on Earth I wanted to be alright

I wasn't before, I still kind of am not

It does get easier but you do have to go get it, and I don't think people talk enough about how much it sucks to go get it. Maybe they don't wanna discourage people or smth. Reader I hope you have the strength to go get it. I really hope you do, fuck it's so hard sometimes.

I basically made this post last night too but I still wanna say things about it I guess HAHA

FUCK it sucks to get up and go get it

I think it helped that I had a good idea of the kind of person I wanted to be

And it's funny, I didn't even become her!!!

I'm too silly with it it seems

I wanted to be one of those cool silent types, but I love to tell jokes and I love to meme. I think that was the downfall of a lot of things in my life, I was mostly doing things because I thought they were cool but I didn't put enough thought into having fun with the process

And now that I am, I dunno I think I look pretty cool doing my thing HAHA

Reader, do you think I'm cool?

I probably think you're cool, fwiw

All of my friends are pretty fucking cool

I think that's all I have to say for now

Reader if you made it here, I appreciate you a lot. You may cash in a sticker, a hug, or a smooch on the cheek/forehead, or all three if you're a greedy lil goober (but I won't get mad ufufufu)

Feel free to reply onto this - maybe don't reblog it with a comment but hey if you think a follower might need to see smth like this go wild.

You can poke me on discord too if you'd like

For the record, I DO bite, but only if you ask, or only if you're mean HAHAHA

Regardless, I'll see you tomorrow yeah?

[wysteir]

It's comforting and also a little strange to have reclaimed some things in my life from The Ooze. I guess this is comes with all the new adjustments in my life

A fair amount of media that I've come back to is no longer bitter, just sweet

Things that used to keep me afloat now dance around me on land

When I was younger I didn't even think I'd ever reach the level that I'm at now. In fact, a few years ago, I did have the realization that I already got everything that a younger me wished for

I was grateful that day- I knew that eventually the feeling would wear off and that I'd continue growing and learning more about myself, but the relief of getting somewhere I thought was impossible was something else

We made it little me

I've already said it this year but I'll keep saying it whenever I remember to, we made it little me

It's just one of those things I don't want to forget

Trying to set a fine balance as to not dwell too much on the past but

I don't want to forget everything that I fought tooth and nail for

I don't want to forget why I worked so hard to get here

I don't want to forget what exactly it was that I spent so much time working on that the other aspects of my life struggled more for

I don't want to forget that it was worth it

It first took three years to repel a demon

The next time it took three weeks

Then it took 3 days

Now the hours just pass me by

I'm only haunted by inconsequentials now

And maybe in the future I'll be haunted by less