#cant think of a 10th but oh well

[roses-n-rads]

Got tagged by @voidika thanks love!

No pressure tags @mars-colony @ruvviks @teamhawkeye @lukemoonwalkr @ulchabhangorm @chyrstis @unholymilf @wholelottagin @minilev @radiojamming @persephotea @tommyarashikage @statichvm @huntressheather @socially-awkward-skeleton @jackiesarch @deputyash

[roychewtoy]

shots from simons flickr account

[sturnalsm]

𝑰 𝑯𝑨𝑻𝑬 𝑯𝑶𝑾 𝑴𝑼𝑪𝑯 𝑰 𝑾𝑨𝑵𝑻 𝒀𝑶𝑼

(M.S)

ˢᵘᵐᵐᵃʳʳʸ: ʸᵒᵘ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵐᵃᵗᵗ ᵃʳᵉ ᵉⁿᵉᵐⁱᵉˢ ᵇᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵉⁿˢⁱᵒⁿ ᵇᵉᵗʷᵉᵉⁿ ʸᵒᵘ ᵗᵒᵒ ⁱˢ ᵇⁱᵍᵍᵉʳ ᵗʰᵃⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵃᵗᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ᵉᵃᶜʰᵒᵗʰᵉʳ

!! WARNINGS !! : smut, choking, use of Y/N, pet names, swearing.

you loved hanging out with the triplets, thry are very good friends, except for... Matthew. you cant stand eachother. everytime you are around eachother you just wish you werent there, he was pissing you off its like he was doing it on purpose everytime, sometimes even his brothers had to make him shut up cause you were losing control.

but tonight they decided to invite you to their house to watch movies and just chat because you havent seen eachother the last month, they were in Boston because they wanted to spend a little more time with their family, that warmed your heart even more.

you were very excited to see them, but the thing was.. Matt was picking you up and the reason behing it? he's the only one who can drive. but even tho he was coming that didnt back you up you didn't care much

you were spending hours thinking on what to wear, but at the end you just decided to throw on a skirt and a crop top, you would've went with sweatpants and tshirt if the triplets' house wasnt always hot as fuck but oh well.

Matt was late once again, so you had to text him to make sure he is alive , even tho you didnt wanted to do that

you leaned against the front door waiting for him when you heard a knocking on your door, you opened the door "one second i need to get my charger" you ran to your room to get it and in a few seconds you were back eith Matt leaning against the door frame not saying a word. you looked up at him as you walked, he closed the door and you threw the keys at him so he locks it.

you walked over the car sitting on the front seat waiting for Matt. he sat in the care without saying a single word started driving to his house. you didnt said anything either he was already pissing you off by trying to act tough so you got your phone and started scrolling trough tik tok.

"okay Matt why are you trying to act tough now? whats up with you the last 2 years i really don't understand why and how could you have so much hate for me?" you finally speak looking at him. "you dont talk to me you barley listen when i talk? whats happening like what did i do to you?"

he looks at you "whats up with me Y/N? you are the one who told me to fuck off and left me for that jerk in 10th grade? you were the one who was ignoring me in the hallways of the school? and then you're asking whats up with me?!" he says with his anger in his voice growing bigger "Matt are you a kid? that was a long time ago, its been more than 3 years i already broke up with him whats your fucking deal?" "no Y/N because you have no idea how fucking stupid i felt after i confessed my feelings for you infront of the whole class just so you leave me for this fucking idiot."

you felt bad, you really did, but that was a long time ago and you had no idea that he still thinks about it, you also didn't knew that it broke his heart? "i dont even know why my brothers still hangout with you after that and why i always have to be in their plans with you when you literally..when you fucking broke my heart Y/N. he was litereally an idiot? he didnt treat you the way you deservedto be treated and all i wanted was you. and i hate how much i want you since then.." "okay Matt..look im sorry for what i did, i was in love with him okay? i didnt knew it was going to and that it did break your heart.." "it doesn't matter." he said focusing back on the road "what do you mean it doesn't matter you are the kne who bringed it up?!" if he didnt stopped talking now he would've started screaming so you wrre hlad he stopped.

the ride to the house was silent because of the talk you had before, nothing new tho. you didnt knew if you wanted to punch him or yourself. you were mad at your self of course but..you never knew he felt like that , he never speaks about his feelings unless yall are in argument, sometimes it feels like yall are a married couple from 2 years, fighting everytime they get the opportunity to. but in reality you couldn't stand eachother.

you were already infront of the house , Matt opened the door so he can get in he didnt even hold it for you, again nothing new. you came in and right when you got up the stairs you saw Nick. you were very good friends with him, he was amazing and you could always talk with him about anything you want, he is the bestest best friend you've ever had. "NICKKKK HIIII" you ran and hugged him. "HEY GIRLLL, what took you so long?" "oh well Matthew was latr once again" as you said that Matt rolls his eyes mocking you. "nothing new" Nick says laughing "Chris went to get snacks cause we forgot, he should be here soon"

"okay so what are we gonna watch, lets make it quick im tired" Matt says rolling his eyes once again. "oh and why are you so tried what have you been doing all day?" you ask jokingly. "none of you business" he smiles sarcastically. you roll your eyes sitting on the sofa. Matt sits next to you, you're surprised but you dont put so much attention to it. you give him a suspicious look. you open your phone so you can search for movies. "OHMYGOD" Nick yells from the kitchen causing you to jump from the loud noise. "I FOUND A MOVIE, LETS WATCH WHITE CHICKS?!" "never heard of it" Matt says with tought tone "well too bad Matt we are gonna watch this" you pat his head as you get ip to get a pepsi, he rolld eyes ONCE AGAIN.

as you open the fridge you hear footsteps "that must be Chris" Nick says and you look iver the door of the fridge seeing Chris with 2 bags in his hand. "hey Chrisss" you go and hug him. "heyyy Y/N, okay so i bought 3 bags of chips, 5 pepsis, 2 doctor pepers and 2 root bears is that good?" "its great" Nick says "give me the bags" Chris hands the bags to Nick and he opend everything. "so we decided we are going to watch White Chicks" you open your pepsi as you take your seat next to Matt "not WE, but Nick and Y/N." Matt says as you roll your eyes "okay tough guy"

Nick and Chris open their drinks and sit on the sofa next to you and Matt with the bowl of chips. Matt gazes at you , you feel him looking at you so you look back, he smirks and gives his attention back to the movie.

TIME SKIP!

the movie was very good and fun, you all laughed even Matt even tho he tried to hide it. it was like 11pm you were very tired so were the boys. you went upstairs to Nicks room because you have a toothbursh there and slippers too, in case you come to sleepover like tonight. you went to the bathroom to brush your teeth and take a shower.

you didnt went down stairs again you were too tired to think of anything else but to lay on Nicks bed and fall asleep. Nick came at the room not long after you layed down, he just looked at you and went on his side of the bed.

you were lost in thoughts, you still were thinking about the conversation you had with Matt earlier, it was driving you insane, you knew he hated you, but tonight there was something different about his behavior. "shit" you said to yourself as you buried your head in the pillow trying to fall asleep. it was hard to stop thinking about those things, was it your fault? maybe. but you never knew that it would and that id did break his heart, and the fact that you broke his heart breaks yours.

you didnt knew when you fell asleep but you woke up after a while , your phone was down stairs so you totally lost what time is it you had to go down get your phone and drink some water, you felt like your tounge was going to fall out. for the first time it was cold in thr house, probably because they left the windows open. you were already down stairs running the water when you hear footsteps behind you "Nick im sorry i woke you up i was ju-" you feel someone's hands wrapping around your waist behind you "its not Nick sweetheart" you recognize that voice. it was Matt. you gasped and tried to run away but he was too strong. "Matt what the fuck are you doing" you turn around now facing him. "im not doing anything" he smirks at you as he grabs your chin. "what-" you say as he cuts you off "remember our talk and how you apologized to me? well i dont think i accept that apologize..i think you should try another way.." he looks you dead in the eyes as he licks your lips "get on your knees. Now. i know youre all wet under this little skirt, why havent you changed it sweetheart? who sleeps with a skirt? its like you're asking for it.." he says. you stay in shock looking at him. "what if i dont want to hm?" you smirk at him looking dead in the eyes back. "i dont remember asking you if you want" he grabs your chin tighter "on your knees now. or do you want me to bend you over on the table and fuck you until you cant feel your legs anymore?"

you look up at him as you slowly go down on your knees holding onto his legs "good girl" he smirks licking his lips. you take off his belt unbuttoning his pants. ha takes off his boxers and you smirk "dont tease me doll.." you dont waste any second wrapping your lips around his cock making him moan. "oh fuck.." you go faster causing him to moan ever louder and uncontrollably. he starts moving his hips basically fucking your mouth, you gag on his cock but you dont stop. you feel he is close so thats why you stop. "oh you fucking whore.., get up." he says as he looks at you standing up. he turns you around bending you over on the table, taking off your pants and panties in one go. "already so wet for me, is that what i do to you, baby hm?" you nod and push your hips begging him to fuck you already "no no, not yet, you are a fucking tease" "Matt plea-" you cover your mouth as he starts eating you out from behind.

"oh shit Matt.." your legs are already shaking from feeling his tounge working down on you. you were close, your eyes blured everytime he sucked onto your clit, your legs were si weak you almost fell to the ground. you moan unstoppable. "shut up, doll, they are gonna gear us" he says as he spanks your ass. you were about to cum but then he removed his tounge. he knew what you wanted, and he was going to give it to you. he stroked himself a few times before slamming into you without any warning. you screamed. "shut the fuck up, you are not good for daddy right now and im gonna fuck you so hard you wont feel any part of your body princess" he says as he starts going deeper inside you. "fas- faste..r please matt" you needed his cock. you've been dreaming about this moment forever. "oh you think you can take me hm? take this then." he slams inside you that hard and deep you swear you felt him in your stomach.

he knows what he is doing, and he claims your body as his, if he wants something from you he will get it and nothing could stop him. he starts going with brutal force causing you to moan loud and scream his name. "matt im going to c-..matt.." "not yet princess. you are not going to cum until i tell you to" he drove you insane , he was litereally perfect every single thing about this man was perfect and you were here for it. he was going as fast as possible, everytime he pounded into you your vision blured. you couldn't even moan anymore he was using you as your personal fucktoy. "matt...pl please" "please what sweetheart, use your words?" he knew exactly what you wanted to, but he was going to make you beg for it. "i need to cum please matt.." he didnt say anything he just kept pounding into you. he toom your shirt off squeezing your boobs. kissing your skin, sucking on your neck. he started choking you. he wrapped his big hand around your neck driving you even more insane. "you want to cum huh? hmm.." with one last trust he cummed deep inside you. "go ahead make a mess on my cock baby" he says out of breath.

"you need to be cleaned tho.." he smirks as he turns your around to face him, he picks you up placing you on the table. he goes down to eat you out one more time, he cant get enough of you. "matt i ca- cant pleas-." his tounge slides slowly in and iut of you then he puts his fingers inside of you, hitting that perfect spot that made you go insane. "fuck you taste so good." he got out his fingers out of you licking them. he got up and started kissing you passionately sliding his tounge inside your mouth.. "you are amazing" he says as he smiles at you and kisses your forehead. "i love you Y/N" "i love you Matt.."

☆~~~~~~~☆

IM SORRY FOR BEING SO INACTIVE I HAD VERY IMPORTANT TESTS TO TAKE AT SCHOOL AND NOW SCHOOL IS FINISHED IM SUMMER BREAK AND IM GOING TO TRY TO POST MORE OFTEN ❤️‍🩹❤️

[memeticallyengineered]

currently playing dgs 2-1 so NO SPOILERS PLEASE but. man. ryutaro and susato.

person whos been forced to consider her gender for the first time. not even in a gender-questiony way, she's just suddenly forced to consider the fact that people see her as a woman and that affects how they treat her

so when rei treats her like a man for the first time in her life, she sees how different it is and things just. kinda start to unspool in her mind. the treatment from everybody ever is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from when they see her as a woman, and it's frustrating

like people respect ryutaro more. they listen to his opinions. but the only thing that's changed is his appearance. just. auchi hates taro but in an entirely different way than he hates susato. auchi looks down at taro because he's from the countryside and a bumpkin and whatever but still sees him as an equal opponent. someone on the same level as him. if he defeats this man then he's won glory in his eyes

auchi just doesn't even CARE about susato. he sees her and goes who the fuck even are you who let a little girl in here "never before in my life have I felt so frustrated at having been born into this body" indeed cuz i'd want to scream!!!

susatos thing is about having to change yourself i think. she’s so mad because she can’t be accepted as herself.

ryutaro changes his outfit and all of a sudden he can stand in court and be a lawyer and shout at the prosecutor he hates so much. and if you add susahao into it as well he can also only court haori openly as a man as well and that ALSO must be frustrating

theres probably more layers to it if susato isnt cis but also isnt a man. she can be susato or he can be ryutaro but she cant be both. but if he wants to have a career he has to be ryutaro ALWAYS and its miserable because she'd be squishing a part of herself down, but he doesnt want to NEVER be ryutaro because ryutaro is a part of him. both parts of him need room to breathe.

but as it is… she can be accepted as susato or he can be accepted as ryutaro and there is no room for them to coexist. and. that’s a horrible thing to put on a 16 year old. like susato is in. 10th grade?? 11th grade???? based on current standards like, this is when youre supposed to be figuring out Who You Are. but no she’s backed into this corner. and it's awful

she can be a polite demure judicial assistant or he can be a dashing loud lawyer. but just. pretending to fit into only one of those is suffocating.

which just. oh SUSATO….

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 9

♡ Chapter Inspo: Lyrics; Awkward (SZA) “You look at me different, so I let you see my body - now we don't seem to get along, now I regret it all.” ♡♡》》𝟙𝟠+ 𝕆ℕ𝕃𝕐 𝔽𝕀ℂ! ℕ𝕆 𝕄𝕀ℕ𝕆ℝ𝕊 𝔸𝕃𝕃𝕆𝕎𝔼𝔻《《♡♡ ♡ Summary: Carm closes his day off w/ Winnie. Winnie, Syd, & Sadie shoot the shit, and disconnect Winnies mushy heart from her hook-up antics. Carm feels rejected by Winnie not knowing the whole story, and lands himself back in a support group (by choice). Sugar wins Big Sissy of the year award. ♡ W/C: 9,444 (angel #’s purr!) ♡ Posted Date: 02/23/24 ♡ A/N: Hayoooo! I hope y’all love this chap. - Next one will be long and juicy since its the 10th… hm.. Not feelin’ very wordy for some reason. Oh!! I saw the new ep. Of The Good Doctor- I MISSED MY SHAUN MURPHY!!!! I <3 MY GOOD DOCTOR!!! Anyhoot- ennjoooy this chap frayndss :D ♡ Warnings for BTC: MAJOR talks of Suicide, grief talk, sad / insecure Carm, swearing, smoking, drinking(cant remember so just in case?), mentions of chronic pain, think that’s all.

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌��𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈

Winnie’s P.O.V. -

I came back to the bedroom, teeth freshly brushed and glasses on. “Ready for some Drag education?” I joke, getting our fluffy blankets from the foot of the bed and draping them over us. “Mm drag education. Sounds fun” he opened his arm so I could lay on his chest. I laid down comfortably and he chuckled a bit. 

“What?” I asked and he curled his arm around me, gently rubbing my side. “Nothin’ just didn’t realize you wear glasses” he said and I look up at him with a small smile on my lips “mmhmm just another one of my faults, eyes that don’t work” I joke and he snorts, “you have no faults” he said brushing my bangs out of my eyes gently. 

“Okay enough flirting, mister” I poked his nose and leaned over him, grabbing the remote from my nightstand and turning on the tv. I went to Paramount and typed in the title, scrolling to drag race season 15 “okay…so this is last season, a lot of the queens are from Connecticut, but you’ll get the gist of it- and learn all the phrases that Sadie and I use” I said and hit play on the first episode. 

“Oh! Yeah that’s why my stomach hurts” I sit up and he scrunches his eyebrows “What?” He asks “forgot I was hungry. Watch! I’ll go make the rest of the pizza” I went out to the kitchen before he could reply, and preheat the oven putting the rest of our pizza from last night on a tray and popping it in, not bothering to wait for it to beep before coming back. “Okay so, I like the cute one, the little one” he points and I giggle, “Marcia Marcia Marcia?” I ask and he scrunches his eyebrows. 

“See they have weird names” he said his eyes flicking back to the tv as Rupaul came out and he raised his eyebrows ``wow” he muttered “thought he was a drag queen?” He questioned. “Not in the workroom babe, just watch” I settled back into his chest and played with his fingers, finding it adorable how he was so engrossed in it. I watched along with him for the mini photoshoot challenge and he scoffs softly “see…I hate her makeup it looks- it looks weird.” He muttered and I giggled. 

“See! I told you you’d love this show” I look up at him and he rolls his eyes “you tell no one at work we watched this, I’ll never hear the end” he said and I laugh, looking back at the screen “mm well…I guess another reason to behave yourself” I said smugly and he pinches my bum playfully. After a while I started to smell the pizza and sat up “be back, lovey” I said softly, shuffling off to the kitchen. I divided up the remaining 4 slices on my plastic strawberry shortcake plates and opened my fridge. 

“Carm, do you want cherry coke?” I called “Sure” he replied. I grabbed 2 cans, a few pieces of paper towel, and our plates, before heading back to the bedroom. “Irene somethin’ won the challenge-thing” he sits up, leaning against the headboard. “Got 2,500 bucks just for that. Good money” he took the plate and I handed him the can of soda and I smiled a bit. 

“Mmhmm, they win like 200,000 at the end” I said and his eyebrows raised “wow, hmm. High stakes then” he continues watching along with me as we eat our pizza. We were snuggled up, at the end of the third episode and he sighs softly, rubbing my side to get my attention. “Honey” he mumbled gently and I looked up at him. 

“I gotta…Y'know '' he said with a slight frown and lifted his hand to motion to the door. “Got work in the mornin’..” he said and I pout a bit, “I know…I know” I sighed and sat up, “it was nice, y’know- spending time with you..” I said and pulled on my bear paw slippers as he slipped his hoodie over his head. 

“It was really nice, Win, I’ll call you, yeah?” He comes over opens his arms for a hug. I nuzzle into his chest, closing my eyes. “Mmhmm, I’ll leave my ringer on for you” I said softly, breathing in the scent of his cologne, subconsciously trying to memorize it. “Y’gonna try and come down for lunch sometime this week? Mm? I can make y’somethin’” he said and kissed the top of my head sweetly. I smiled a bit, resting my chin on his chest as I looked up at him. 

“Now that I have two friends there, I’ll be sure to stop by more often” I said softly, and puckered my lips for a kiss. He leans down, kissing my lips tenderly, lingering for a moment before pulling away. “I look forward to seein’ you more, then.” He said and rubbed my back gently before pulling away. I walked him to the door, handing him his backpack after he slipped on his sneakers and once he put it on I pulled him by the straps, kissing him passionately, running my fingers through his curls, and gently tugging. 

He hummed into my mouth, his hands trailing beneath my shirt and squeezing my bum in his palms before stroking my thighs with the tips of his fingers gently as he leans against the wall in our heated make out. After a minute or two he pulls away, our lips only mere inches apart. “Baby, I gotta go, yeah?” He said softly and kissed my nose. I jetted out a pout with my bottom lip and looked at him up through my lashes. “Yeah” I mumbled, and pulled him into one last hug before opening the door. 

“Be free” I shooed with my hand playfully and he chuckled. “Until next Saturday yeah? I’ll be waiting to see what happens to our bunny friend” he pecks my lips on the way out the door and I smiled. “Mmhmm, don’t work too hard this week” I said and he rolled his eyes jokingly. “Mm- ye’ I’ll try” he said and I shook my head with a grin, shutting the door. I leaned against it with my full weight, and sighed deeply when I knew he was well out of earshot, sliding to the floor pathetically in a heap, covering my face in my hands. 

I need to process this. 

I hastily got up off of the floor, padding heavily into my bedroom, and picking up my phone off the charger. It smells like him in here - and I’m unsure how I felt about it. I grabbed my bong and a lighter, as well as my little lavender tin of pre-ground flower, and went to sit out on the balcony outside my bedroom, FaceTiming Sadie. She answers by the end of the second ring.

“Biiiitch - ok wait, you didn’t call last night so before you start- Say hey Syddd! We’re wine drunkkk” She giggled, already gone- and turned her phone on it’s side, leaning it up against god only knows what so I could see them both together and I bit my lip, trying to appear happy. Shit. 

I just wanted to air out everything to Sadie but of course she and Syd are hanging out- when she isn’t with me she was with her. This was going to be harder to navigate then I thought. 

I stuffed my bowl full of flower with my fingers, “hey!” I said trying to sound enthusiastic and I lit it, taking a deep inhale. 

“Dude did you fuck him I need all the details like - S-O-U Winnie!!!” Sydney said and I nearly choked out a lung laughing, completely not expecting her to be so open about me being with him knowing how she’d ranted about her frustrations about him before. Sadie busts out laughing and I try to catch my breath, drool pooling in my mouth. I dashed inside, grabbing my water bottle and taking a few big chugs before returning. 

“Sydney” I said once I caught my breath and looked at her, we all went silent for a few short moments, and before I knew it we were all giggling together again over nothing. “Stop! Stop stoppp we need details Winnie!” Sadie said when she caught her breath and I shook my head, unsure where to even start. “Well…Syd do you still want to fuck him?” I ask and she snorts loudly. “No absolutely not. Not anymore. I just stand that asshole at this point.” She rolled her eyes, taking another sip of her wine. 

“How do you mean?” I asked, lighting my bowl again to take a proper hit. She shakes her head, playing with the end of one of her braids. “Dude,  Where do I even start?” she sighed deeply, thinking for a moment. “Okay, well let’s start with the fact that he’s so fucking selfish. Winnie- the only thing, and you’ll learn this sooo fast- the only thing he cares about, is easing his own fucking- his inadequacy!!” She said, talking with her hands as she usually did when she got passionate, just like Sadie and I. 

“Expand” I said after I exhaled, crossing my legs and Sadie took a big gulp of her wine, knowing she was about to listen to the following complaints for the third or fourth time over now. “Well, firstly, for starters- I’ll tell you the real reason he fucked around with that girl Claire. Because it’s what Mikey would’ve wanted him to do. Same reason he opened the new restaurant. Because he only cares about proving to himself that his brother would be proud of him. But- but he doesn’t even want to be happy! When that is really what Mikey would have wanted, I mean- right?” She asked and I swallowed thickly, nodding a bit. 

“N-no. No you’re right and - yeah that’s his biggest issue so far” I said and she laughed, covering her mouth. “Sorry sorry it’s not funny it’s just…wow he hasn’t even behaved himself? Hid it? Like…” she took a deep breath to steady herself. “Winnie-  I love you. You know tha, right, really. ” she said, I nodded quickly, my chest tightening. “He’s not a person to get involved with. Even for the dick. Even if it’s good which- I can’t say I haven’t thought about it - but you’re a sweet person Winnie. And as much as you want to think he deserves you - despite him being a little bitch. he does not deserve someone like you - period. Because he will forever push you away. We know how you are, and we know better than you know how he is. So, this will be my one and only warning about him - do not get involved.” She said and I bit my lip, nodding quickly. 

Don’t get involved further, Syd wouldn’t lie just because she wanted him for herself. She really, truly loves me, she’s one of my best friends.

I stare off into the distance, that thought bouncing around in my thoughts and the entirety of the day suddenly feeling…wrong. “Ok so now that we got that out of the way- how was it. Like is it big? Also how…like good is he?” she asked and I sat back, sighing softly. “That was another…downfall…even though it’s not even really a downfall!” I shake my hands for emphasis. “It’s literally- he’s so good like…well- he’s not pussy eating champion 2024 but” I said, earning a giggle out of them. 

“I was riding his face while we were 69 so it wasn’t like bound to be the best for me - but anyway he is huge! Like not long, but thick” I said, lighting my bowl and taking another hit. “Cut or uncut?” Sadie asked, causing me to snort, smoke coming out of my nose and I coughed a bit. “Guys - Italian Catholic? Cut” I said matter-of-factly and Syd laughed. “Okay but - please don’t tell me he has all that rage and doesn’t take it out in the bed?” She questioned and I shook my head. 

“He's actually like…shy? Even in bed! But he’s so hot you’ve seen him shirtless, right Syd?” I asked and she nods “oh- yeah. Of course. So…what like virgin shy?” She asked and I bit my lip slightly as I thought. “Kinda but like- he’s done it - but it’s been once or twice and that’s it like he got all his bases covered, practiced everything a few times - and that’s it, but when he commits he commits and he listens oh my goddd!” I close my eyes thinking about it and Sadie laughed. 

“At least he knows how to follow directions in bed if anywhere good” Sydney said while taking a sip of wine and I laughed. “Ohhh my god! Oh my god. He’s like- low key a sub but I’d neverrr tell him because he’d never let me touch him again, I know it.” I went inside, closing the balcony door and setting my bong on my dresser before sitting on my bed. “Well yeah but I mean- wow” Syd blinks in surprise, taking in what I’d said. “Wow.” She hummed in thought and I laughed. 

“What?” I asked “well- I mean like I said multiple times he’s an asshole at work, so with how brute and bossy he is, I like assumed he’d be like ‘get on your knees slut’ kinda guy? That was my fantasy anyways“ she mocked Carmen and I burst out laughing, “oh my god I wish” I said gasping in laughter. This is exactly what I needed. I needed to rip the bandaid off, because I knew Carmen wasn’t going to keep his promise, how he acted before we took a nap solidified it. He hates being with someone more than once.

“I wish. I had to beg him practically to tell me that he liked what I was doing. Like, isn't praise the first thing in porn?” I roll my eyes, petting Persephone as she jumps up. “Wait- wait- you had to tell Carmen Berzatto how to do something” she laughed, her head falling back. “Dude- oh my god! You are my saving grace. I am so glad I never slept with him. I'd have been so disappointed!” she said and I snorted. “That’s what I was gonna tell Sadie when I called actually… I mean- like I said he follows directions sooo well, but I wanted him to throw me around a little and he didn’t” I shrugged, picking at my nails. 

“So if he asks, will you see him again?” She asked and I nibbled the inside of my lip nervously. “We had like…. We cuddled and stuff I’m never-“ swallowed thickly, my heart beginning to ache- remembering how attached I’d really felt to the day we’d had together, underneath all the anger I was feeling that he was so emotionally guarded. “I’m not doing that again- ever with him. But he has a really nice dick- we fucked in the shower?” I laughed and Sadie and Syd burst out laughing again. 

“And ohh my god. The most dominant thing he did was like spank me- I don’t know what came over him! I was like oop!” I giggled and Sadie snorted, Syd leaning over the table in laughter. “Sooo he made you finish?!” Sadie asks and I nod “oh yeah- I mean. Like I said. He listens really well he just needs to be told what to do.” I said. “So he fucks like a puppy?” Syd teased and I rolled my eyes, laughing a bit. “In a way. But it’s like- he can learn. That’s why I’m kinda like…” I sighed softly, looking away. 

“I dunno..I dunno” I shook my head and sighed a bit. “The Carmen Berzatto effect, welcome.” Syd said sarcastically and I rolled my eyes. “But he- he’s…so sweet” I sighed, playing with the ends of my hair. “And…like- I dunno. I’m slipping back into my old ways. I want to fix him” I rolled my eyes at the realization and rubbed my face. 

“Wooooow!” Sadie drawls “holy shit! Well maybe you aren’t slipping because I’ve never heard you come to that realization before you run yourself to the bone for someone who can’t be fixed.” Sadie said and I sighed deeply, knowing deep down she was right. “What if he does the work?” I asked hopefully, “he won’t. He like- I dunno I don’t wanna say he hates himself, but he hates himself. Like any sense of good in life he crushes it for himself because he thinks he works better if he has nothing and he’s always chasing something.” Syd said and shrugged, her voice even and calm. 

It was about an hour and a half of me divulging nearly every detail of the night to them other than the intimate details of Carmen telling me how many people he’d had sex with before we were all talked out. 

 I swallow thickly. “I’m just- I’m gonna shower guys. I love you Syd, thanks for not being mad at me. And…I’m- I’m sorry. I’m sorry for doing that.” I said honestly and she shakes her head. 

“Honestly, he may be happy this week cause he got his dick wet for once- so he might not be such a terror at work. Just…sleep it off. It was once, Winnie, but I promise- If you let yourself get involved further, he is going to hurt you. We didn’t even get anywhere and when he cut me off cold emotionally after Claire? I felt like a fucking nutcase. It’s for your own good, just - forget him, okay?” She said and I nodded softly. 

“Love you” I replied before hanging up 

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

Carmy’s P.O.V. -

After my night with Winnie, I slept peacefully- the first night. I had a nightmare, and I only threw up once opposed to the 2 or 3 times a night it usually occurred. But by around 8 am when everyone started showing up, all of the questions were making me anxious, and it was generally pissing me off that Richie, Tina, Fak, Sugar, it felt like everyone except for Syd was up my ass. 

I stood at one of the stations, chopping up onions and garlic for a stew that Tina was working on, doing absolutely everything in my power to not think of her. This was why. This. The fact that her face was the first thing I thought of when I got up. The fact that every fleeting thought is somehow weaving back to her. I could not do that again. Just the simple fact that I was sleeping better after seeing her once gave me unending anxiety. 

If I keep fuckin’ around with her, Shes gonna leave. Or she’s gonna be taken. Or she's gonna realize I'm not good enough. Or she’s gonna find someone better. 

I dropped the knife on the cutting board with a slam. “Goin to smoke.” I mutter to Syd as I pass by and shut the back door a little harder than I meant to. I leaned against the cool brick, trying to catch my breath. I felt over my pockets, finding my cigarettes, but - my fucking light. “Fuck!” I mutter to myself, rubbing over my face roughly. 

This is exactly how it fucking started with her. Me losing my damn lighter. 

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut and shaking my hand, trying to ground myself. 

You fucking pussy. Get it together. You hooked up once you are not attached. You aren’t fucking attached. 

I tug at my hair, remembering the feeling of her beneath me, the softness of her sheets, that fucking mug. I leaned against the brick wall, taking a deep breath. I took out my phone, cursing myself for a small part of me hoping she’d texted me, since I was too pussy to say anything to her last night or this morning. I stared at my text messages, my eyes falling on my conversation with sugar. 

She’d sent me some “anonymous group therapy” shit about anxiety and she told me she thought it could help me. I'd brushed it off until now, but talking this shit out like I did with Mikey to people who weren’t allowed to repeat it- it sounded like it would feel good. I clicked on the lick, licking my lips nervously as it opened and took me to the page. 

Anxiety/PTSD ANON: Monday evenings at 6:00PM-9:00PM at St. Anthony’s Presbyterian Church. 

I furrowed my eyebrows a bit, PTSD. I hated when people would tell me I have PTSD. It’s so stupid- I’d never been to fuckin’ war. Or been raped or whatever. Being yelled at for being an idiot doesn’t constitute PTSD. But, considering people with PTSD are probably going through real shit, I’m sure it would feel easier to spill my guts to them then someone perfect like Winnie. 

I sit up off the wall, heading back inside and I look at Syd “yo- c’mere” I nod to the office and she follows, I shut the door. “Goin, on with you?” I asked, putting my hands on my hips. She raises her eyebrows, “nothing? Why…” she questions and I narrowed my eyes slightly. “You’ve avoided me today. So again what’s up.” I asked and she shook her head, rolling her eyes slightly. 

“I don’t have time for this, Chef,” she said and sighed a bit. “You know what I’m talking about. You were on my ass Friday about me wanting to get out early and you were dying to know why- and you come in on Monday it just skips your mind?” I shrug, crossing my arms. 

“Look” she snips, taking her hand off the doorknob. “I don’t know what you think is going on, Chef. But I’ll have you know- I’ve had zero interest in your personal life again, until you started sneaking around here with one of my closest friends- and my cousins, who’s more like my sister- her best friend. So let’s just say, after the conversation she and I had-“ she looks at me pointedly. 

“An honest, open, friend to friend, girl to girl conversation, Carmen- you will have nothing to worry about me, and my interest in your “personal” life - anymore.” She said and left the office with a slam. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, fuck. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck. Fuck. 

I could hear a ringing in my ears and my vision blurred slightly. I get the familiar feeling in my chest and sit down, clutching my head in my hands and spiraling into one of my episodes. 

My “personal” life. Ouch. I knew after what happened with Claire things had been…different between us- but I didn’t think she cared. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

I tug on my hair, my eyes screwed shut and breathing labored as my thoughts continue racing. 

Fuck. What did - did she tell her? Did she tell them about- oh my god I’m such a fucking moron. Of course she did. Of course. That’s- Winnie’s best friend- oh my god why did I trust her. Fuck. And - and she thinks I’m gonna fucking hurt her. She knows I would hurt her. 

“Sour things give you something to focus on” 

Her voice rings throughout my mind. I took a shaking breath, opening my office drawer and grabbed one of the sour warhead things I’d gotten on the walk home after that night with Winnie, and popped it in my mouth. I cringe at the sensation, but immediately am pulled back, for now. 

I spit the candy in the garbage can after a few grueling moments to be sure I got the full effect, before pulling my phone out of my pocket. Before I knew it with shaking hands, I was calling Winnie. After just 3 short rings the phone clicks and I sit up a bit 

Please leave a message after the tone for - Heyy it’s Winnie, I can’t talk right now, if you wanna leave me a message cool- but I’m better at texts. Ciao! *beep*

I took the phone away from my ear, quickly hanging up. At the sound of her voice I felt like I could breathe again. I bit my lip gently, considering texting her and telling her to call me back- but she would if she wanted. I shook my head, setting an alarm for 5 to remind myself to leave for that group thing, before locking my phone and heading back into the kitchen. 

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

Winnie’s P.O.V . -

I went to the back around 5, finally finished cleaning up after a story hour today. It was Sadie’s day off and Mel was out sick so I was running the store alone, I barely got a break to take a piss let alone have a quiet thought to myself from the moment I got here. 

I sighed deeply, rubbing my bad hip that was driving me nuts today. The only thought that had been running through my head was how much I wanted to see Carmen. I was kind of grateful that the store had been so busy today because if it had been dead slow I’d probably have just locked up and gone to find if he was out for a smoke every few hours hoping I’d get lucky. 

It took me a while to finish cleaning up after the littles, and vacuum the whole floor considering the aching pain in my hip that was reverberating through my thigh and knee all the way up to my ribs. By the time I was squatted by the vacuum, in the back of the store, rolling up the cord it finally gave out on me and I collapsed to the floor in a heap, my head landing in my purse under the desk. How convenient. 

“Fuckin shit” I muttered to myself, knowing it would be at least 20 minutes before I would be able to use it again. I huffed, sitting up and banging my head under the desk in the process and groaning “ow” I whined, rubbing my head and leaning on my hip that wasn’t throbbing intensely. After a minute or so I dug through my purse, pulling my phone out. I scroll through the notifications from the day, Tik Toks from Sadie, news reports, a few texting ads when I see it towards the middle of the stack. 

Carm🧸 1 missed call 

I swallowed thickly - why was he calling me in the middle of the day? I checked our conversation to see the last text that was sent was still from when I’d told him my apartment number. I bit my lip gently, going over to Twitter to try and forget about him. I scroll through different posts, liking some of them, until my hip finally feels well enough again to try and stand. 

I slowly shifted my weight on to my good side, gently lifting my hip and letting out a small cry at the shooting pain as I pulled my knee up to get my foot in a standing position. “God fucking damn it” I cried out in pain as I haul myself standing, my arms shaking in pain as I lower myself as gently as I could in to the desk chair. I took a heaving breath, wiping away the tears from the corners of my eyes and swallowing thickly. I was absolutely not going to make it 2 blocks on this hip tonight. 

It had to have been all the exertion of the shower with Carmen, mixed with not sitting down only for 30 minutes today while I read to the kids. I rubbed my forehead in frustration, opening up the Uber app and seeing since it was ‘peak pricing’ it was gonna cost me $40 to get from the store home, and I do not have that kind of money. 

I groaned, sitting back and thinking to myself if trying to wait it out would just get me in a worse position of being stuck here all night because Sadie has no car or not eating dinner for the rest of the week, since my groceries were dwindling and I didn’t get paid until Friday. I huffed, “no, I can fucking make it” I muttered, I pull myself up, nearly screaming at the pain screaming at me to stop, and yank my jacket over my arms. 

With shaking hands, I got my keys out of my purse, flicking lights off as I limped, every step feeling like my leg was about to fall out like a Barbie that had never been properly popped into place. I groan quietly in pain every few steps, barely being able to lock the door from how violently my hands were moving. I looked both ways across the street, knowing it wasn’t long before a car came along. I try to take as big of strides I could into the alley. 

I honestly didn’t give a fuck if I ran in to Carmen right now, I was not walking an extra three blocks in my condition just to avoid him. I lean against the wall, feeling that familiar shaking in my bad hip like it was telling me it was counting down before it gave way and barely got to the steps outside of the bear's kitchen door before collapsing with a grunt, the pain vibrating through my spine at the fall. 

“Fuck” I whine, stretching my leg out in front of me. The faucet behind my eyes gives and my eyes are suddenly blurring with tears and I’m muffling sobs into my hand. The pain, the day I’ve had, and the worst of it- I’m stuck in the one place I don’t want to be. What kind of stupid desperate bitch will I look like if Carmen comes out to see me crying on the fucking steps of his restaurant. 

I swallowed hard, doing my best to pull myself to my feet but my hip had locked and it was no use. With shaking hands I take out my phone, and the door creaks open behind me. I quickly dry my tears as best I can “uh- I'm not here to see you I- I’m going home I’m sorry” I mutter. 

“Winnie the Pooh?” A slightly familiar voice said and I looked up to see Sugar standing there, a confused look on her face and I started to laugh to which she started looking concerned. “Oh!” I sniffle. “It’s you. Don’t tell Carmen I’m h-here” I hiccuped a sob and she furrowed her eyebrows, “no he's- wait” he shuts the door and sits next to me. 

“Why you cryin’?” She asked gently and I shook my head “oh my god it’s- I-“ I wiped my tears again. “My hip…I got in an accident when I was 19 and had to get my hip fused, and they did it wrong so it’s all fucked and it just..hurts” I said and sniffled. “Okay why- why don’t you want Carm to know that?” She asked “did he already fuck up?” She said with a teasing smile and nudged me playfully. 

“No- no he. Carm is…” I look at my feet. “Carm is wonderful. But he- he doesn’t want…what I would want, you know?” I look at her, still a bit teary eyed. She nods a bit “Y’know…Carm…somethin’ ‘bout that kid, he doesn’t allow a lot a’ good things…and” she rubs her hands together in thought, looking down for a moment. 

“I think you’re right, but it’s what he needs.” She said and looked back at me finally. “I won’t…get in the middle of this. But- just know, Carm could really use a girl like you around. He left early today…he told me he was feeling like it was too much and he needed to go think about shit. He’s never done that. That tells me you are getting to him to take care of himself. So if it’s a Carmen thing, pushing you away? Sometimes with that kid you have to force him to see what he’s missin” she got up and extended a hand to me. 

“What’re you doing?” I asked “cmon. Takin you home. Can’t live too far if you’re walkin’, right?” She asked and I smiled a bit. “You seem like a really good sister” I said softly and she smiled big. “Y’know. I always wished I had a sister, I don’t think either of my brothers have ever told me that'' she said, tucking her large purse into the crook of her arm. I crinkle my brows ``ok..well Carm and I will be talking about appreciating you because you give great advice” I grab on to her hand. 

She giggled a bit as she hoisted me up and I quickly balanced myself on the railing, my hip still barely functional. “Woah!” She said, wrapping her arms around my waist tightly. “The car is right there parked in front- think you can walk?” She asked, concerned. I nodded quickly “yeah- yeah. I might need to like…lean on you” I said, my cheeks going pink with embarrassment. 

“Course! C’mere chicky” she wraps her arm around my waist and I smiled a bit to myself as she helped me limp to her car. “You hug like Carmen” I said softly as we approached the passenger side and she laughed, “don’t tell him that. He’s always said I’m too ‘touchy’ since we were kids” she pulled open the door and I slowly got in, the pain in my hip dulling significantly when I sat on the plush seats of her SUV. 

She gently pushed the door closed, coming to the drivers side and hoisting herself into the large vehicle. “Trust me- I totally get it. I have 2 kids, my hips or my bladder haven’t been the same since” she said jokingly as she started the car. 

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

Carmy’s P.O.V -

I tried to take a deep breath, staring pointedly at the church in front of me. My dark gray knit sweater was suddenly feeling itchy all over my exposed skin, even though my usual white work shirt was still layered underneath. I pulled at the collar of the offending garment, roughly itching my collarbone at the sensation of a tickle just under my chain. Taking a final drag of my third cigarette just standing there, I throw it to the ground, crushing it with my sneaker. 

You can turn around- you can just get back in your car, and go home. You don’t have to do this. 

The devilish voice bounces around in my head. I’m unsure what got me to drive here, what got me out of my car after sitting there for 15 fuckin’ minutes, but suddenly I was planting my feet up each step into the grand wooden entrance of the church. 

Turn around. Turn around. Turn. around. 

My entire body screams for me to run as I step into the welcome hall. This confidence to change so suddenly has to be the effect of a mostly-full nights sleep- thanks to Winnie of course.

Stop fucking thinking about her. 

I’m met with a folding easel, a plain piece of white printer paper with an arrow that points to the left, reading ‘PTSD/ANXIETY ANON’ in large bold letters. I swallowed hard, staring at it intently. 

Leave. Leave. Leave!!!! 

The voice in my head was so loud that in my rested state, it drove me to push against it. To deprive it.  I headed down the hall, the only sound being my sneakers tapping the tile floor and the loud fluorescent lights buzzing above me. My eyes fixed on a bolded sign at the large honey-stained wooden door just at the end of the hall, taped to the wooden frame. “ANXIETY ANONYMOUS” typed in bold letters on the same 8x11 printer paper and taped to the easel out front. 

I took a deep breath, blinking my eyes shut hard out of habit, thinking about what I was about to do- before swallowing back the anxiety and my hand felt the icy touch of the handle, pulling down and pushing it open. I met the faces of about 4 other tortured souls, staring blankly back at me. “Uh” I mutter, standing in the doorway feeling like a total idiot. 

“I-is this th-the.” I bit my cheek fucking word stumbling moron. “The fuckin’ anxiety anon meeting?” I spit out, trying my best to swallow the nausea rising in my throat from the crippling fear of meeting new people. A woman with a short bleach blonde bob, sitting in the corner at a large desk looks up. 

“Oh!! Joy. A newbie!” She chirps, standing up and walking over, standing a few feet away. “I’m Claire” she said happily, and the protein bar I scarfed down my throat earlier begged to make a grand 

reappearance.

“C-cl-?” I tried to grate out, swallowing thickly and my cheeks feeling so hot I was sure I could light one of my cigarettes on them. 

Run. Run, RUN - Carmen!!! Find the fuckin’ bathroom, slink out like it never happened. Bad idea. Bad idea. Horrible idea.. Moron. Idiot. Stupid. Useless. 

���Claire!” She repeats happily. “Are you alright with handshakes, dear? What's your name honey?” She sticks her right hand out to me confidently. My gaze meets her hand, and I swear my vision went blurry. I stumble back a bit. “Ba- bathroom” I muttered quickly, the feeling of vomit creeping up in my throat.

She gently pushes me into the hallway, grabbing the small trash can with her right hand and shutting the door behind her tightly. I ripped the trash pale out of her hands quickly, hurling my protein bar and whatever bile and water my stomach held for the last 6 hours In to it, squatting pathetically in the hallway against the wall and she stepped a bit closer, charm bracelets jingling as she rubbed my back while I wretch so hard I swore for a second my organs would fly out of my mouth. 

“Christ kid” she muttered, her nails gently grazing the small of my back as she rubbed soothing, small circles. “Know a Claire, mm?” She asked matter-of-factly when I finally stopped heaving, my brain fully empty other then fuckin Winnie reading to me last night. And the story of the stupid fucking bunny.

“Yes- b-b-sh-she“ I tried to get air into my lungs, but instead my chest forced me into a painful gasp. “N-no- used to…” I dry heaved over the garbage can so hard I dropped to my knees on the cold tile, and was sure I'd either pass out, or die of embarrassment at the pathetic sound and sight, feeling fully like a sniveling child. Unfortunately to no avail.. I gasped in a breath so violently, the sudden pressure in my lungs made me feel as if I was really about to pass out. 

I leaned against the cold wall, catching my breath before continuing. “I- I- fuckin” I winced at the pain in my stomach, my face clenching up slightly at the pang reverberating through every muscle in my body due to the intensity of all the emotions I was feeling at once. 

“Fuckin... I crushed on ‘er as a stupid, idiot kid..but fuckin hate ‘er now..“ I sniffle, mucus getting caught in my throat, causing me to choke and cough so hard over the trash can that my lungs burned. 

“Breathe, kid” she said, patting my back. “In through your nose and out through your mouth” she said and demonstrated a calm even breath. I rested my face on my arm, doing as she said, and finally catching my breath. “S-sorry I haven’t eaten much t’day and smoked like half a pack” I said and she nudged me gently. I look over and she’s holding a tissue, “thanks” I said wiping my mouth and nose tossing it in the garbage and leaning against the wall again, sighing deeply. 

“C'mon, you can just listen today if you don’t feel like talking. We have water bottles in there for ya’ “ she said, standing up fully and extending a hand to me. I nodded a bit, taking her hand to steady myself as I got up. She took the trashcan and tied the bag, leaving it in the hall before opening the door. “I’m..sorry” I mutter, shaking my head. 

“No! No happens all the time. Don’t worry” she said and opened the door. “Well gang, it’s us plus one newbie!” She said and handed me water from the counter at the side of the room before going to her seat and I swallowed thickly, sitting down on the furthest chair from everyone else, setting the water bottle on the chair before wiping my clammy hands over my jeans and swallowing thickly. “Alright” she said, sitting down with a clipboard. “Are there any big things this week that we need to start with?” She asked, I kept my gaze fixed on my lap.

“Yes- uh…my nightmares came back..” a small voice said and I looked up to see a girl with mousy brown hair and a deep scar on her right cheek. Claire nodded “did you want to share about them?” She asked her and the girl swallowed thickly. “No- no. I just… it’s about dating again after what happened. I can’t- I can’t. I’m always looking over my shoulder, I feel like a freak. It’s hard enough dating girls- and I- I have a hard time texting. And so when I meet them in person, I always catch them staring at me. And… and like I can hear their thoughts. Like ‘who is she hiding from’ or ‘I bet she has a secret girlfriend.’ And I - I’m so paranoid.” she huffed. 

“I’m sure all of us here have felt paranoid after a trauma, and especially, when experiencing something new, the feeling of…waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is very common. Especially if it relates back to childhood, those wounds linger for a long time. Has anyone else been feeling paranoid?” She asked the group. There was a silence for a moment, I took a deep breath, finding my tongue. 

“Me” I said, rubbing my thighs to soothe my anxiety. There was that familiar tightness in my stomach and my heart was thrumming in my throat. “Oh! Did you want to share more about that…sorry, how should we address you?” She asked and I kept my eyes locked on her, trying to forget there were other people there but still not wanting to sit alone with a shrink in an office. 

“Carmen'' I said and she nodded, “okay, Carmen- did you want to share what you’re feeling paranoid about?” She asked and I sniffled, rubbing my lips together nervously. “Ye’ uh, I met a-a girl. Last week. And I haven’t stopped…thinkin’ about her? Like. I dunno. I have sworn off women quite a while ago.” I rub my chin, eyes gazing to the floor nervously. 

“Okay, so what are you paranoid about?” She asked and my eyes flicker back to her. “So uh- yeah. S-sorry. Sorry. So uh- I work in a-a restaurant. And I run it, with my cousin and my sister. My second in command though, she- she knows this girl. And uh…I don’t know what’s been goin on? With me? And I…I like her. That’s-that’s why I’m paranoid. Cause I don’t…I can’t do girls and she-“ I sigh deeply, clearing my throat. 

“She told me that she wouldn’t pressure me?” My eyes met hers again and she nodded. “Okay, so you’ve felt pressured in relationships in your past, and are worried it will happen again?” She asked and I thought for a moment, rubbing the back of my neck. 

“Yes? Well…no..no not from her. I-I’ve been very pressured to like someone before and it was hell for me. B-but…that’s the thing is I trust she won’t pressure me. And I- when I’m around her, I’m not fuckin- im not fuckin like this? Like I- I can think, and I can breathe and…so-so-so if it’s not” I shake my head. “I feel so different around her? That’s why I’m paranoid.” I said finally. Claire sits back in her chair a bit. 

“Okay, so you’re paranoid she’s going to leave?” She questioned. I shook my head a bit, “no- no that’s the thing is that the shoe always drops for me, I already fucked this up by just being me. My- one of my chefs, Syd. She- she’s friends with this girl and…and I think she told her about all my…fucked upness. She-she warned her that im a fuckin’- a fuckin loser. I just- and I didn’t even want to allow myself to feel this way which is why I’m so scared cause I- I feel like- like.” I shake my head. 

“I feel like she’s good for me though. I-i just know I’m bad. I’m- I’m fuckin selfish. I would be a horrible boyfriend. I’m fucking insane I- I think. I wake up every night fucking throwing up. I- I obsess over things, and I just keep pushing and pushing until I get it how- how I see it in my head. B-but with her it’s like…I want to see? Where things go? Y’know? L-like I. I want her to show me…it’s- it’s stupid never mind” I shook my head looking back at my lap, pushing my bangs off my forehead nervously. 

“Well in here, no one is crazy. I think you’re paranoid of having no control over your emotions, Carmen. Which is perfectly normal. We can’t control anything in this world, other than how we react to our feelings about things. So, let’s delve deeper into your current self image- what comes to mind first when I ask why you’re selfish?” She asked and I shrugged a bit. 

“I fuckin’ shut the beef down, knowing it’s not what Syd wanted, knowing it’s not really what anyone wanted except for me. Because…cause Mikey left it to me. And- and I was like…I am fuckin’ angry at Mikey. And it was like- like a fuck you. Watch me do it better then you ever fuckin could” I said and run another hand through my hair at the realization. “Cause I fuckin’ - I only care about provin’ to myself that - that maybe I’m not a fuckin idiot. That I’m not useless.” 

“You aren’t an idiot, and you are not useless, and it sounds like you feel selfish- because you’ve found yourself in a pattern of catering to others desires. How do you feel about your own desires, Carmen?” She asked and I shook my head a bit. 

“No- no that’s..that’s what I’m saying I’m selfish. I - I’m a fuckin control freak at work everything is done my way, everything is tweaked to my standards, I don’t care what other people have to say about the re-“

She cuts me off “no- not your desires at work, in your life. Outside of work. In your relationships, friendships, personal goals? What do you desire your life to look like when you retire?” She asked and I swallowed thickly, my mind going blank. 

“That is a great topic for today, desires. It is extremely hard, especially after a traumatic event or even years of incurring trauma, and then allowing yourself to desire. We may feel selfish as Carmen does, after we incur tragedy in our lives- to feel joy again, or allow new people in our lives because we are afraid that if we desire while we are unhealed, then we were never really damaged to begin with.” She said and a guy sitting a few chairs away from her clears his throat. 

“I uh- yeah I relate a lot to what Carmen said about feeling selfish..after my brother died I stopped doing…everything I loved.” I look over at him, sitting up in my chair slightly. Cause I felt like if…if I’m happy then I don’t miss him? Or..or like. Like if I think about our good times together and loose the anger I feel about him killing himself for a few seconds- I feel like…like I’ll never stop thinking about what the fuck our lives would have been like if he just talked to me.” He said and crossed his arms. I sit up a little further in my seat. 

“Mikey - he was m-my brother. He killed himself too” I said and he looked over at me, “I’m sorry…older or younger?” He asked “shit- yeah sorry I should have led with that I’m sorry too. He was- he was older…” I replied and he nodded, swallowing thickly and looking away. 

“You couldn’tve done anything. I fuckin failed him though. He was younger” he muttered and I furrowed my brow shaking my head. “Nah. Nah don’t fuckin’ say that shit about yourself dude. Both of our brothers did it to themselves. That's one thing that we’re not responsible for. I’m- I’m angry that he- I needed him. Just like you needed your brother” I said and he nodded a bit. 

Claire cuts in “it is normal to feel angry at a loved one for committing suicide. It’s also completely normal to feel guilt for that anger. Jack, it sounds like the anger you’re harboring for yourself, for not ‘protecting’ your brother from himself- is covering up a guilt you feel for a perceived responsibility to the reasoning behind your brother's passing.” 

“I’m fuckin angry.” I shrug. “I’m fuckin- pissed at Mikey.” I said and she looked at me. “A question for you to ask yourself, Carmen, are you angry at Mikey or are you angry about the choice he made, to end his life, and leave you behind to forever miss him. Because they are 2 separate things. One is your brother, and the other- is a stupid choice he made. A choice that altered the lives of the people closest to him forever. He made the choice to have his legacy be one that ended in pain, and suffering for those who love him most. That choice, or Mikey - your brother that you clearly love very, very dearly.” She asked. 

I felt a lump forming in my throat, blinking back tears and I looked over to the clock. 

“Let’s circle back, yeah we have about 5 minutes left. This week's homework for you all, I want you to do one thing, or speak to one person” she looks to me for a moment “that you desire, and it’s guilt free, because you aren’t giving yourself the permission, I’m giving you the permission, and next week- we’re gonna talk about how it made us feel alright?” She said, 

“Alright. Hopefully I’ll see you all again next week. Same time and place per usual” she got up and went over to the desk grabbing her bag. I got up, grabbing the water bottle and quickly darting out of the room and back down the hall to the front door. I shoved it open taking a deep breath as I went down the steps 2 at a time back to the parking lot. 

I am not fucking going back there ever again. 

I shook my head to myself, but realized that I didn’t feel…like I was gonna have an episode. Er- panic attack like Winnie called it. But rather than everything I’d buried about Mikey felt like a hardened scab to a barely healed wound had been picked at and messed with for a while. It was an extremely uncomfortable feeling. This is why I stopped going to AI-anon. Talking about it hurts more than just focusing on other shit and forgetting about it when I can. 

I dug my cigarettes out of my pocket, taking one out and lighting it, leaning against the car as I smoked. I don’t know why Sugar keeps telling me that it’ll get better if I just talk about it, every time I talk about it I’m fuckin realizing shit. And I don’t like realizing shit. About myself. About Mikey. I’d rather just…fucking work. Just work. But I also hate work. 

I’m brought out of my thoughts to the same blonde that irritated the scab which felt permanently fused to my soul. “Spirits huh?” She said and I looked over at her. “Yup” I mutter, taking another drag. 

“I get it. I get it… if you don’t want to talk to me outside there it’s fine. I just wanted to say, I’m proud of you for opening up, good job. You should be proud of yourself.” She took a pack of Marlboro reds out of her purse and a blue lighter. 

“Thanks…” I said, watching as she took a drag. “No offense… but I kinda feel worse?” I said and she laughed, smoke spilling from her mouth in a cloud. “None taken my friend, none taken.” She said, waving her hand in front of her to clear the thick puff of smoke. “That’s good actually, really good. It hurts before it helps” she shrugged, taking another drag. 

“So- wait the fuck did I do t’you?! You wanna hurt me before you help me?” I questioned, pulling on my own cigarette. “Nothing oh my god!” She laughs. “Nothing Carmen! Oh jeez” she giggled slightly. “You need to come back, shut out the voice shooing you away” she said with a teasing smile and I rolled my eyes. “Sorry, not interested in ripping open old wounds when I’m already not able to process the bullshit I’m facing now.” I look at the ground, taking a long drag. 

“Mmm. Alright.” She shrugged casually, dragging her own and exhaling without a beat. “ what?” I asked her, dropping my cig and crushing it with my sneaker. “I…don’t care?” She laughs a bit. “If you want to stay in the mental prison you’ve created, so be it, Carmen. But- I’m here! Every week for the past 11 years” she retorts, tossing her cigarette into a puddle over the parking lot barrier. 

“Nice meeting you, kid. Word of advice-“ she turns to me as she pulls her driver's side door open. “Do the fuckin’ homework, mm?” She sits in her seat, starting the car. “That girl you mentioned, whatever her name is- I may be a shrink - but I’m also a spouse - the way your eyes sparkle when you talk about her? That's your wife, if I never see you again? I hope you’ve gone and got her.” She pulled her door closed without another word, backed out of her parking spot. 

I felt a vibration against my hip, pulling my phone out of my pocket  in case it was one of the employees and checking who it was. My throat dries out as I listen to the marimba ringtone, staring at my screen, my mind going blank. 

Winnie 🍯 Mobile 

The slide to answer button practically laughed at me. 

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

[thx-sunsxts-addrxss]

Another rant (important, something related to my books, please read)

hey guys. I am so sorry, but I don’t think I’ll be updating for a while. It’s irresponsible of me and I’m really ashamed, considering I didn’t on the 11th and 12th too, I used Diwali as an excuse but I’ll be honest; the next few chapters of TLEOT and 100% are kinda shit. I know I can do better. I know if I rewrite the chapter and edit that, it’ll be much better. I have trust in those abilities.

Here’s the thing.

As most of you know, I’m in 9th grade. And 9th grade sucks ass. They’re constantly threatening you when you even sort of slip up in tests; “You can’t do that next year or you’re going to fail boards!”

You thought 7th grade was hard? You thought 8th grade was hard? If you survive 9th grade and 10th grade, make sure you live to tell the new batch of 8th grade the story.

in 9th grade, you either survive or die. There is no in between. They really put that pressure on you.

I had a test recently. 47/50. Ha, that’s good right? Wrong I guess. My teacher gave me a whole ass lecture in front of the class. “Silly mistakes” this and “rechecking the paper” that. You really think I can’t do that? You really think I don’t do that? I’m in 9th grade for fucks sake! Of course I do that! Just because by chance I missed that mark, stop lecturing me in front of the class!

I’m literally so tired of how things have been recently. I spend most my time in the two places that make me feel like shit. I’m so scared to go to school and if anything, I only go to school so no one worries about me. I know that Jeremy, our group and lemon dude would be really worried if I told them all this. That’s why I’m not going to. They’ve been put under pressure too. I’d just add to their problems.

I remember a story my teacher told me. What does tea leaves, eggs and carrots do in boiled water? Tea leaves create beautiful tea, eggs turn harder and carrots turn softer. The boiled water is supposed to denote the tough situations we all have.

In this case, I’m none. I’m chilli powder. I’m already crumbling, and when put in boiled water, I’m basically dissolved.

I know. This sucks. Loife’s being her dramatic self, not giving updates because what? Pressure. I bet some people wouldn’t even believe this story. And you know what? Whatever. I’m sick and tired of being criticised for being human and it’s like I’m being expected to be perfect and in which case? IM SORRY. IM SORRY IM NOT. YOU GOT TO SUCK IT UP CUZ THIS IS HOW I AM AND I CANT BE YOUR VISION OF PERFECT. OH WELL.

anyway. I’m really sorry to those who care. To those who really care, to those who read till the end, thank you so so much. I know I’ve been ranting a lot lately, and you must be tired of seeing these long ass posts. Maybe you were expecting updates on lemon dude, or maybe updates on my books. I’m sorry to disappoint you with this news.

thank you all so much.

-Loife

[tokillamockingbird427]

random thought cause, why not:

i like to think logan & hesh pull out their phones/tablets to record anything just for the fuck of it. doesn’t matter if its on a mission or anything, they are pulling out any electronics they have on them just to record. fight? expect to see 2 phones up or a phone and a tablet up in the air. people arguing? same process. the only difference whenever logan and hesh are doing this is hesh is jumping up and down excitedly or has a face of pure joy(smiling or lightly giggling, this really depends on the how big the situation is) while logans stone faced.

since logan & hesh are probably the only gen z’s in the team besides the main 7(5) (everyones a fucking millennial…), i feel like whenever they do this they get shocked ass stares or laughter by the rest of the ghosts. do they record with shame? hell no, if anything its with no hesitation and so casually you need to do double turn to process what you’re witnessing. whenever they do this you can tell the difference between whos a millennial and whos gen z, especially since if you include rorke & elias, the oldest member is 53.

(the blackmail they probably have has to be INSANE.)

bonus:

hesh snatching logans tablet from where ever the man has it on him to record something cause 1) his phones dead or 2) he forgot it somewhere.

(logans using his own phone(if he has one besides his tablet) or hesh’s phone that hesh hasn’t realized he has cause logan put it in a different case that he stole.)

(i also forgot to give credits to a reddit story that inspired my last ask(i was rereading it for the 10th time and thought i gave credits, sigh.), but i will say that reddit story was sad though :( (i cant find it sadly). also, i decided that i will write the mama walker ask ! not sure when exactly cause well, yea…but i know its gonna be long as hell. (looking about like…7k-11k words or more if i dont get writers block or plan it out well.))

—🎧anon

Oh pleaseeeeee, this is hilarious. You seen that clip from the new Mortal Kombat where it pans over a lot of the characters and Johnny Cage is just filming whatever the hell they're staring at? It's that. And it's glorious.

Logan and Hesh realize the Ghosts think it's funny so they start pretending to record random ass things so the ghosties will get confused and come over to ask what's up. Logan and Hesh take the bit one step further by "recording" random ghosties to see how they react.

Merrick does the "Celebrity vs paparazzi" hand thing, Keegan will freeze up and look like a spooked deer, Kick will just start "posing sexy" (It's not sexy), so on and so forth with goofy variations for all of them.

The Johnny Cage behavior in question Via Brian Rocha on tiktok

Fun fact: In Ghost Stories (Ghosts opening mission) you can see people recording the rods as they're falling on San Diego.

[hearts401]

could you tell us more about swap! mike if you have the time he’s so important to me….

(also your art is so good. and your fics. like you are so so talented and you’re super funny as well and I love ur blog sm have an incredible day 🫶🫶🫶🫶)

WAAAH IM GLAD U LIKE HIM he's so special to me too

Im thinking of things i might not have shared already BUT ill also just drop a rundown of what happened bc i think some stuff has changed since last time i told it

basically mikes 10th or 11th (havent decided yet) birthday rolls around and hes messing w his friends and they lock him out as a joke. mildly annoyed, he just goes around to the back but finds he doesnt have his father's key with him like he's supposed to. luckily, william is there! and. stabs him. charlie dies shortly after in the bite, the missing kids (including mikes old friend sammy who was NOT involved in the party incident) all die (cassidys not in this au btw lol sammys toysnhk) and then sees evan get killed by circus baby. this whole time he's dragging them back because he wants revenge on his father, however sammy doesnt need dragging. he accepts michaels offer immediately. In fnaf 2, the security guard is the chica bully (who i have yet to name and fun fact she's transgenderrr mtf) and mike sends mangle after her while distracting her. she gets bite of 87ed. Michael chases henry into the fredbear suit and kills him, applauds evan for killing elizabeth before ditching him when he explains that he brought her back via remnant, and targets her and henry for the entirety of fnaf 6 before being caught in lefty and stopped for one night despairing over being trapped and shocked. buuut he returns the next night with a VENGANCE. he also joins sammy torturing will down in ucn.

NOW FOR THE NEW STUFF

He's way younger than teen mike but he does still have a habit of lashing out especially at evan. however when he sees everyone die that lessens a bit, and he often worries about evan stuck down there in the bunker, since hes the only spirit michael cant keep an eye on. they are, after all, under his protection. thats not to say charlie doesnt take that role, and she takes it much more seriously. they are TRULY under her protection and she is a lot kinder than michael is. but ill ramble about her some other time lol. when evan scoops liz and is kicked out of ennard, michael is ecstatic! his brother is back and they dont have to worry about elizabeth getting involved anymore! until evan reluctantly explains that liz is not dead for good. michael is upset with him, and evan defends her, saying its not fair that she has to suffer for what their father did and INSISTS that she wasnt actually working for william. but mike doesnt buy it and waves evan off. he cares about him, sure, but hes not exceptionally worried, and now evans pissed him off.

later, when henry goes to the saferoom and michael kills him, charlie and sammy are incredibly upset. they both defend henry, and michael ends up ditching them and turning the missing kids against them. because sammy chose this life to get rid of will, and charlie wasnt even murdered, so CLEARLY they have no say in this. (mikes just a bully and also second oldest only to sammy)

but then the missing kids move on and michael stays behind. because hes not done yet! hisdads still here! and everyone left him and hes soooo pissed because all thats left is charlie, sammy, evan, and henry. (oh and molten freddy) and hes just!!! ARGH!!! ITS NOT FAIR!!!! and uaufhuh

[pitynostars]

ok so first things first, i loooove gatwa's doctor so much already. if nothing else, i love the masterclass in acting he's putting on, his expressiveness is so impressive. he brings a very fun energy to the role

the church on ruby road has me feeling a bit mixed as well. the plot was kind of meh, and i didn't like how in the alternate universe ruby's mum was just so mean without her. it didn't make sense. like what makes ruby so special, hm 🤨 what's this one white blond baby got that all the other babies in the world don't 🤨 i know the point was to show how much ruby meant to her mum, but like. there are other ways to do it than have a complete 180 in characterization.

i'm honestly not super interested in the mystery of ruby's parentage (which apparently seems like it will be a huge thing unless they're just making stuff up to fake us out, in which case, good on them). but i don't want it to be some big reveal i'm sorry 😩 especially not because if it is, people will bend over backwards to say how great storytelling it is when they'd never say that if moffat did a plot like this. i hadn't even considered the possibility really, when i'd first watched it, i thought it's just not that deep, but maybe i'm wrong. the people who are theorizing that ruby is rose and tentoo's daughter are sooo funny though like

ur only saying that because she's blond and we all know nobody on this show can be blond without being related to The Blond(tm) 🙄

that literally means they abandoned their kid. yes. such good parents 😫

i also feel like we didn't....really get to know ruby that well? i'll reserve judgement to give them more time obviously, and millie seems very green (not a judgement on her, and she and ncuti seem to have a lot of fun energy together) so there's still time and there's a lot of time in general for the stories to get going, and it had to do double duty as a christmas special and an intro episode for both new doctor and new companion so like, my feelings may also change with time. anyways those are my thots for now

yesss i was sold on gatwa very quickly i just hope he doesn't become 10th doctor rehash number 2345932853845 i am so tired. give him something new. also praying him and ruby don't have a romance angle there were a couple of moments in CORR i was like. GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT AGAIN.

CORR plot being meh i agreeee but also xmas specials plot is a lot of times like a wafer and as someone who watched it quite roasted ngl i kinda appreciated it 😂

YEAH omhg tho with ruby disappearing and her mum (i want to say carla??) completely changing as a person??? i get that the point was supposed to be like one little change can make such an impact etc etc as well. but also i was just like. .... ok but what about the other kids wasnt good enuf ???? maybe i'm a cynic lol. but fr have another MORE kids on the wall bc she's trying to fill a gap she doesn't know is from what !!!! IMAGINE.... especially with it being sort of set up as a doctor/companions parallel oh my god

nooo oh my god i know what you mean about rubys parents i like that theyre setting it up as a counter to 13s "it doesn't matter i'm good as i am my past doesnt define me" etc. but i really want it to not be interesting. i want her parents to just be like. normal people who had to make a hard choice lol. oh my god. i just realised. we're gonna go thru a fucking rey star wars arc with her im gonna lose it byee... imagine she ends the series like "im ruby doctor" :) i would quit watching.

but yeah 100% it's gonna be a big thing. atm i dont care but i guess we'll see and hope they do something interesting with it.... prayers she's an alien tbf

rose and tentoo would be terrible parents tbf i said what i said.

YEAH i know what you mean i feel like that about gatwa too i think its hard making the first intro for both an xmas special because it has to be kinda silly and rompy so you cant rlly get too into the grit of the characters?? still reserving judgement on them both, but its taken me a while to warm up to like. everyone in dr who since bill--- wait i take that back i loved bel in flux from like her first scene but she's not a doc or companion.

[justaboot]

Ahh, tagged by @hueberryshortcake (thanks! also this was the thing someone tagged me in and lost weeks ago so bless <3)

how many fics do you have on ao3?

omg 8, what even are they.

what's your total ao3 word count?

174,260 oh my GOd

what fandoms do you write for?

- I've only posted for DT but I've got a 10th Doctor/River fic in my drafts

what are your top five fics by kudos?

And a Sixpence in Your Shoe

In Situ

I've Got Time

Everyone Loves a Reunion (A come from behind win?)

Gentle as it Goes

do you respond to comments? why or why not?

- I try so hard to reply to everybody, but I've got weapons grade anxiety so sometimes I'm worried people will think I'm self-important. I've actually found I'm less likely to respond to tumblr mutuals? More anxiety? Unclear but I'm smashing my face into my hands at every comment.

what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I can't handle ending on angst. Gentle as it Goes, definitely, but I hate it, I cannot handle splitting the party.

what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Sixpence definitely has the most Disney Fairytale Everything Works Out ending, but writing I've Got Time's button fixed something in me I think.

do you get hate on your fics?

The first comment I ever got ever was DellaHate gbless, thanks AO3 User DellaDuckShouldDie for your insightful comment of "Della Duck should be destroyed."

do you write smut?

I've written it for other things, I'm not shook by it and its a great storytelling tool just like everything else, but not cartoon characters. I...I have one explicitly human DT fic that. I. Well. We'll see. Its a genre test run for something original and they're pointedly human, but I guess I'll cop to that one?

do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've ever written?

I hate crossovers stay away from me I cant wrap my head around it

have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nah. Where would you go with it, we're all in the same room.

have you ever had a fic translated?

No but that'd be so cool!

have you ever cowritten a fic before?

girlfriend and I made an absolute banger of a spn fic together on a 12 hour roadtrip. Its not written down but we've got it beat for beat.

what's your all time favorite ship?

The Doctor and River will never fail to make me lay down they're them I dont even know what to say

what's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

-I've got 1/3rd of an OG3 prequel episode fic written, but it has to be part of a series and that's just...not gonna happen.

what are your writing strengths?

oh god i dont know don't look at me dialogue? I get a lot of comments about in-character dialogue/behavior lets go with that.

what are your writing weaknesses?

I have "I'll finish it later, let me start this new one real quick" disease.

thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I haven't done so, I'm fine with French but I'm terrified across the board of The Comment From A Native Speaker.

first fandom you wrote for?

Let me tell you about Tid, my halfling OC based on my Lord of the Rings Online character who played very little of the actual game and just ran laps around the shire. Elementary school core.

favorite fic you've ever written?

I am putting Sixpence on the award shelf for having finished something so big and I've Got Time was me getting a good grade in therapy. Right now I'm actually really proud of Dear Fellow Traveller? They're just lil kids and omg they're swimming in the Little Lake watering hole in the sierras I did that how did the author know

Tagging.... @writebackatya and @shychick-52

[spacedhead]

homestuck reread #18: the prologue (briefly) and meat p1

----brief context----

i sorta fell out of homestuck a little after i finished it and its november now but in light of james roach reviving homestuck beyond canon i figured i might as well get the ball rolling on this. i originally started this post in september but i couldnt find it in myself to continue reading due to not liking where the story was going and also finding myself having a new hyperfixation

----end of context----

september 7th:

okay im gonna make a rule that this shit show thats about to happen is NOT CANON to me and in my head they won and then they created earth c and they all lived happily without any of this inane bullshit thats coming up.

ok to start off look at these fucking tags dude oh my god this is gonna be so BAD man what the FUCK did they do to these characters

theres no art which actually sucks! but with these tags maybe its good they didnt show this in images. instead they just describe it in excruciating detail. anyway, here's the first character interaction in here.... they both feel different. even in this brief exchange, something feels... off. maybe its just cause theyre older but they feel distinctly more... angsty? maybe they just seem sad. i dunno. homestuck has its sad moments but for the most part the characters arent like. sad people

/rolls eyes yeah i like the reference but not in this context...

ok so rose just explained what john has to do which is go back into canon and defeat lord english but.... this is really fucked up man . she knows

meat or candy.... fuck which one should i read first.... do i wanna be sad sooner or sad later ... MAN the epilogues SUCK!!!!! FUCK

um okay this is really gross. what is the point of this?? like EW john what the fuck

ok this is fine i guess i mean i like davekat

i guess i also like how he still has this weird obsession with obama

november 10th:

im back . but i think updates to this series will be slower. i need to ease myself back into it yknow? also. if i hadnt made it clear. i DO NOT LIKE the epilogues. especially because homestuck proper is my FAVORITE MEDIA OF ALL TIME. seeing the characters i love ruined like this in what is the most official capacity it could be in is.... just. sad to me. anyway. dave predicts the future about obama . cool.

yeah i do too man. cant have shit around here

yeah like. what even is this plot. jane has become this evil xenophobic cartoon ass villain. and everyones just like. damn thats crazy that shes just like that now. i also dont even understand WHY she wants to be president of earth c. like literally everyone else is just chilling. god whatever

brother he is not coming back

also, this has nothing to do with the epilogues per se. but at the time of writing this tomorrow will be 11/11. i am a little bit expecting a homestuck beyond canon updateeee hehehe . also burning down the house which is a really really good homestuck fan comic is supposed to update too. so awesome. hopefully both of those things happen. or even like. just one. anyway back to this slop

casual dave xenophobia classic dave you know how it is he would definitely be like this for real i believe this

man this would be so cool if it was like. drawn. i wish i could see it instead of having to envision it in my minds eye. not that i dont appreciate my minds eye for what she has to offer me but. imagine this what this panel would look like

noooooo FUCK

stares at you furiously judgementally

okay both of them most likely dont know shit about shit and neither do i but dave at least grew up in a time where there were people around and things happening and dirk thinks he knows everything but he actually doesnt know anything so i wouldnt trust him on fiscal policy

fym nuh uh

average teen roxy adult john interaction

literally down ontologically at this point

blah blah blah ultimate self blah blah evil arc WHO CARES. im bored. can i say that. i seriously D. GAF about dirk rn. monkey d. gaf

bro i fucking HATE JANE. LIKE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW

i dont have much to say about this i just thought it was worth putting here

nah. cause what the hell are you talking about girl. hello. why is she so horny. ong bro u gotta relax

okay well. this is pretty funny . hes dave and im karkat and we are the denial brothers

youre so intolerable is crazy. like hes trying to help you because you are bleeding tf out girl

wow. jane jake kiss. this rules. SAID NO ONE EVER. jake is asexual. jane is a nazi. and I. AM TIRED. OF THIS!!!!!!! I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING .

wait fuck

marvel ass dialogue

NOOOO WHAT THE FUCK

okay this is the end of the first epilogues post. initial thoughts i dont like it why did i do this i dont wanna do it. but you know what they say in order to ascend first you must descend. little homestuck reference for you all. um idk when the next post will be im sorta busier than i used to be. and also? this sucks i dont like reading it

[mera-mann-kehne-laga]

heyy!! i hope you're doing well :))

i just saw you're thinking of taking PCM so here are some points i'd like for you to consider. you know yourself best and i believe in you and i believe you'll make the right choice but i feel obligated to tell you stuff about it since i study those subjects.

this is not to scare you or to tell you you're "unfit" or whatever. this is just to give you a better perspective on what the PCM life looks like <3

11th is a MASSIVE increase in difficulty. study from day 1 because you will struggle, no matter how "clever" you are (<- i put clever in quotes because academic performance =/= cleverness). Science stream in particular is difficult in itself.

lots of people enter a burnout stage after 10th. add to that the difficulty of 11th grade and you'll start feeling worthless. THIS IS NORMAL. EVERYONE FEELS THIS WAY.

i dont regret my choice but i know people who do. science is mera dil meri jaan i love sciences with all of my heart which made it easier for me. i *enjoyed* studying and learning in 11th but i also know people who dont. make sure you really like these subjects. i'd suggest going over the NCERT textbooks to get an overview of what you'll be learning. i was kind of split between science and arts and i did this and went with science because it seemed more interesting.

11th science PCM in particular will be easier with tuitions (especially if you'll be taking the JEE) (i'd recommend vedantu but you do you).

12th is so much easier than 11th.

i cant think of anything else rn

so yeah. i hope this is helpful. i believe in you and i'm sorry if this sounds scary. its not very scary but i figured you'd appreciate something like this :))

Oh my gosh you have no idea how grateful I am for this😭 thank you thank you thank you!

I have no idea if I like science or not. I just used the elimination method 😭. Mtlb humanities seems boring. I'm sure I won't be able to endure it for two whole years Mai Pak jaungi. Commerce me koi bhi interest nhi h meko. It's like eww noo. medical mere se Hoga nhi bcz uss field me jana is a big no meri trf se. Doctorgiri mere se nhi ho paegi. Toooooh bacha non medical 😭 lekin mujhe physics Ka darr lag rha h. Maine suna h ki bhtt mushkil Hoti h

[mihai-florescu]

Do you have any fave books (does not have to be finished)?

Since highschool when we had to read it in 10th grade I've been very fond of Hamlet, i have yet to see it on stage in person but hopefully i will one day (i've seen some recordings though). Similarly i'd love to see an irl production of Rosencrantz and Guildernstern are dead.

One of my favorite quarantine reads was Vicious by VE Schwab and i'm even more fond of it now because I met Pili through it ^_^ but i dislike the sequel (i enjoy the Eli backstory bits though) and I'm nervous for the 3rd book which i learned today is being made... but i think Vicious is good as a standalone as it is if you're interested.

One of my favorite short stories ever is The Dream of a Ridiculous Man by Dostoevsky. It's just so good and real, please read it if you can and tell me whether it moved you as much as it did me. I havent read nearly as much Dostoevsky as i would like since my ability to focus has been so incredibly bad since starting uni, but i know i would love so many more stories of his.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams was a companion book in a peculiar time of my life that i will never be able to replicate for as long as i live. As much as i disliked my circumstances back then, i cant help but think that it was the calm before the storm looking back. So i guess my relationship with the book is also tainted by what was going on in my life and how it made its way into my hands.

Oh and i have mangas to recommend you as well. Don't Call it Mystery by Yumi Tamura is probably my favorite (Blue Period and Kemono Jihen being on the list too. They're all quite different in genre, style and topics they approach though so maybe one would resonate with you)

[bethanysnow]

My review as if people want/are interested in my opinion.

1 Own My Mind  

      I adore this song, it gets stuck in my head on a loop all the time. The sway of the song is so cool. Musically it sets the theme for the album, which I think is super important.

 2 Gossip - Måneskin feat. Tom Morello 

      I liked it when it came out, I have not been or got really into Rage against the machines so I dont have any point of reference for Mr. Morello. I think its a song some folks should take to heart~

3 Timezone  

    ITS A WALTZ AHHH ITS A WALTZ. I dont really like the “running like a mad dog” but thats for damiano to know and for me to sing along to.

4 Bla Bla Bla 

    It is not my favorite, but I love the imagery and the sorta toxic!Damiano vibe it has going on?

5 Baby Said 

     THIS SONG FUCKIING DOES IT FOR ME! It is uptempo and contains lyrics to a concept I will never experience. I love the lyric video of Vic, makes me think of what maybe might have been the inspo for it. Its just so good. That riff kills it.

6 Gasoline 

     I liked it live, and im not mad with what they did to it in post. I do think this is a song to be sung live. It doesn’t have the same umphf on a studio recording.

7 Feel

     This song gets me also. I love the song its very dancy and dancy songs are my weakness.

 8 Don't Wanna Sleep   

    The audible personification of mania as far as im concerned. So its great and really fun, but also cant listen if want a chill vibe.

9 Kool Kids   

    Damiano drunk recording this I think is so funny?? I like the live version, I like the studio, but I do think the versions should be thought about as separate entities? Then it wouldn’t trip people up so bad.

10 If Not for You   

    Again another waltz. I am a romantic at heart and I know I could never write lyrics like this. Oh to feel a 10th of this kind of love.

11 Read Your Diary  

   .....(Yandere!Maneskin) what?? I didn’t hear anything. I am also in agreement with @lifeofa-fangirl some folks need to listen to it again and...really pay attention.

12 Mark Chapman   

     I like the song, since I dont speak italian some of the meaning is lost on me, but I love the little blurb on spotify of like ‘whenever we sing in italian we think often of our italian fans’ and to have that be on the song named after the guy who was obsessed with john lennon and shot him makes me giggle as an outside perspective.

13 La Fine   

    I know a lot of people really like this song, I dont get it, its good just not for me.

14 Il Dono Della Vita   

    I wanna honestly put all the ‘ill ____ della vita’s together and make the ultimate playlist one of these days lol. I think this is one of my more favorite ballad-y songs.

15 Mammamia   

    its mammamia? I don’t know why its on the album??? I think it could have been a stand alone single and be fine, im not mad about it of course.

16 Supermodel   

   Same thing with this song, I think it could have just been a single and been cool. I will say as the song the radio near me plays more often than not it has grown on me.

17 The Loneliest

   I think this is a really good way to end the album. I think its a good sorta pat on the back and lets you drift off. The loneliest in its 90s ballad glory I think wraps up the theme well of what they went through over the last how ever long. I think its a good perspective to end on as well. The music video was great, feels settled I guess is the word to use.

[dancing-cockroaches]

A bitch finally snapped. I have two friggin jobs plus the jobs of every doctor I go to apparently. Apparently I'm the only competent human within a 500 mile radius.

Every doctor I go to, the office staff cant tell their ass from their elbow but I'm just gonna limit myself getting pissed to what has happened in the last month alone. I had a Neurology appt. They sent a referral for MRI. Simple enough, right? No. My MRI was cancelled day of because they didnt receive all necessary clinical forms from my neurologist. I call my neurologist. Apparently I have no followup. I have a card on my desk for Jan 10th but nope, when I called back they said "nope you dont have a follow up. We can schedule you for Jan 15th" ok sure whatever I'll take it. I get transferred to some other dept to get them to send the clinicals. I leave a voicemail. Call back the next day, "oh it looks like you dont have a follow up. We are all booked for January, we have Feb 15th". Now I'm more mad, but not like I can do jack shit about it. Nevada sucks. They tell me they're going to send over the clinicals.

Two weeks later, I call the radiology office. They still havent received it. I get the fax number and call my neurologist back. They say "they need the referral?" "No, they need clinical forms" "what do they need?" Now a bitch snapped. I was ready to rip the skin off my body. Nice bitch left the building "I dont know, why dont you call them? Why am I doing your job for you? Why is nobody coordinating a simple fucking referral correctly? Do you need me to come in and do your job for you? Is that where we're at? What forms do they need.. ain't that yall job to know?"

I was especially mad because my dentist pulled some tomfoolery as well. I got work done. Very expensive work. It took several months to do, I just assumed it was all billed at once. I dont know, I only worked in a dental office for like 2 months, it's not exactly my strength. It's not my job to do their job, I thought they had it handled. I go in today, and they say "we see you didnt have insurance for two of your visits. The delta dental didnt cover two of the claims so you'd receive a large bill if we dont get updated info" (my work had to be done in different visits, and I had to pay a large amount of money so I assumed that was all I had to do on my end. Stupid, I know). I pull up my phone to find my insurance info for Feb/March. As I was leaving, it started to hit me. What the fuck?? Everytime I've worked with billing or insurance verification, it is done before every visit or at least before a very expensive visit. When I was in billing I literally checked eligibility before any claims was sent, everytime. It takes 5 fuckin minutes to do, if you dont have hot air for a brain. How the shit does this go unchecked for 10 fucking months??? Why was I not contacted about this months ago?? Do I really need to micromanage every office I see a doctor at now since this shit just keeps happening all the fucking time?? Can I never think "they should have two brain cells left to be able to properly bill my visit without oversight" ever again??

[a-had-matter]

haven’t done one of these in forever!!!! tysm <3 last song: take me back- chri$tian gate$

favorite color: yellow

sweet/spicy/savory: sweet on good days, savory on bad, cause I usually can’t handle sweet tastes

currently watching: uhh, more or less the 10th and 11th season masked singer. I’ve technically only seen season 1, 2, and maybe to 5 or smth but I just looked up the contestants from all the seasons and skipped to 10 cause I love the winner

relationship status: single/heartbroken thought we weren’t even together/ thinking about maybe dating or forever being single

current obsessions: mitski, cause her song writing style is somewhat similar to my poem writing style so I love it, and maneskin cause I wanna learn Italian and Spanish and German, and then Chinese then Japanese. I’ll possibly only manage Spanish, but oh well. So languages too if, and definitely aftg (CANT WAIT FOR THE SUNSHINE COURT!!!!), and maybe chri$tian gate$

tagging liters anyone who wants to and all my moots, cause this was so fun!!

Nine people i'd like to get to know better:

Tagged by: @bell-of-indecision, thank you so much for tagging me <3

Last Song: Gmfu by Odetari,6arelyhuman

Favourite colour: Dark red, violet, pink

Currently watching: Death note, ep6

Spicy/Savoury/Sweet: Spicy

Relationship status: Single

Current Obsession: Mbti types and cognitive functions.

Tagging: @somin-yin @a-cloud-for-dreams @axepen @hinsaa-paramo-dharma @basic-bitch-alkali @rhysaka @blackknight-100 @squishywizardd @reykalot