newmania

[newmania]

*attempts to log into bank account*

To continue answer security question: “Where and how will you die?”

types in “alone in a ditch wearing a clown costume”

*i view my account balance of $4.47*

[newmania]

I think I’m finally at a point now where I accept all of this. And I’m just gonna let go and submit. I can’t keep fighting everything it feels like everything is working against me (including me 50% or more of the time) and I can’t fight that much realistically. When I think about it this year has been a big year for me in a lotta ways. But yet here we are almost December 2017 and there’s a lot of good memories to recall from this year but I’m here wanting so badly to die but also wanting so badly to have SOME kinda reason to not. And I think the reality is that I could get everything I’ve ever wanted in life and still intensely want to die. And I think it’ll actually b worse if I did get to expirinece life’s tru joys like getting married and having kids cuz that’s only more people to disappoint or be disappointed by. More people to hurt or be hurt by. I don’t wanna waste that time or energy I don’t wanna bring people into this world that don’t wanna b here and have to deal wit me not wanting to be here. I don’t wanna put myself in a position where I have to be responsible for others and continue on “4 them” cuz I feel like regardless of what happens I may never b satisfied and I may never not feel like this. I’ve spent 2 long prolonging the inevitable it’s time to give it up. I feel like the only way to truly find peace is for all of this to stop.

[newmania]

I don’t wanna keep waking up

[newmania]

It’s eating me

[newmania]

Even now I'm better than I think and then I thought. It bothers me to think about how much I've held myself back and limited myself based on other people's thoughts and perception of me and deeply internalizing that. It's weird to think that there are people walking around the world that don't think like that they validate themselves and make their opinion on them carry the most weight ultimately for better or worse. Can't imagine what I could've been if if I was like that from the beginning. But that's a mistake I can no longer afford to keep making. 2018 Jonathan has to be the best jonathan yet. The best jonathan ever actually. I gotta make things happen or die.

[newmania]

Somewhere early on I got the wrong idea about humanity and how things are supposed to work between people. Or maybe I'm just a very special case and I'm alienated from the rest. Either way I gotta change my perspective or die

[newmania]

1 day feeling this way will make me very strong. I'm waiting for that day.

[newmania]

All these people supposed to "love" me and i know I don't mean much 2 any of em. Don't waste your breath or my time

[newmania]

Sad

[newmania]

Ya know over the last couple years I feel like I've been held in like an indestructible glass case outside of real life and all I can do is just observe everyone as they find success and they find happiness and they find themselves and become better people and do better things and I can help them but I can't do anything for me I'm just held in place. I'm getting older just like everyone else but I'm not making any progress feelings like this are the root of a lot of my issues I guess. And tbh it's prbly me holding me back ya know I feel like a lot of things could've happened for me but somehow I overthought something and ruined it. Somehow I hesitated or waited 2 long or something I feel like I always let everything get away from me and it's frustrating to feel like all you ever get to do is watch. It makes me feel like I'm not even here. And honestly I feel like it doesn't matter if I'm here or not! I wanna make some kinda impact I wanna mean something I wanna move forward! And if it is me standing in my way I wanna learn how to fix that. But I just don't know how to overcome myself Idk how to change my thoughts and beat my fears and anxieties and shit I fee like so much is in my grasp but I just can't reach it and it's insanely frustrating. All I do is hope that one day I get out

[newmania]

Sometimes I think I'm just being over dramatic and everyone else's problems and feelings are real and mine are not and aren't justified. So it catches me off guard when something makes me realize that my shit is real wether or not people care or pay attention. I really am fighting hard everyday I really am doing my best things really are difficult for me mentally and emotionally and I'm not sure if it's 100% my fault or not but still. I have a right to feel the ways I feel. Maybe I don't have a right to talk to people who aren't professionals about it I'm still unsure on that one. But I'm not wrong. There are things I needa fix that I'm tryna fix but like I guess this whole message is me telling me it's okay to be me I guess. All I feel like I know is either one day I will live to see myself become pretty much exactly who I wanna be (to a degree) or I'll die. As long as I reach one of those results one day I'll be happy. Definitely can't be this forever tho.

[newmania]

someone above the Mason-Dixon: Oh gosh! I can’t believe it’s 87° F! That is just TOO hot!

me in swamp hell:

[newmania]

Early 90s movie theater corridor, unknown photographer.

[newmania]

i am so gentle and kind hearted

[newmania]

[newmania]

phil collins didn’t have to go so hard on the tarzan soundtrack but he did that…… he did that for all of us

[newmania]

I spend a lot of time being overlooked and ignored I don't feel I get a lot of respect from anyone