#cant believe its fuckin real lmao ive been wanting this since i was like

[autisticmob]

soon

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[fart-gate]

SG1

Season 2 episode 11

"THE TOKRA"

Notes by me

- part 1

- PREVIOUSLY - Sam swallowed a goauld and it told her there are nice worms out there, and then it died to save her (rip to a real one), Jacob Blunt As Fuck Carter told Sam he had cancer and now hes like.....dying

- anyway

- LMAO random character generator spat out chris argent from teen wolf

- did she have a memory of the tokra? That lady looked just like her tho

- not me dancing to the theme

- jack: how do u know the tokra are nice

Sam: my ✨feelings✨

- lol thats enough for Jack I guess

- is her dad's cancer worse

- "this is the first time ive gone on a mission where I feel like im leaving something behind" 😞

- Sam thinking her dad doesnt want her around and hammond assuring her shes wrong I'm WEEPING

- "youre more like your father than youd like to admit" if someone told me this my face would retract like I just ate a lemon

-

- I swear to god im gonna start counting all the wizard of oz references that Jack makes so far its been 853 per episode

- are the tokra gonna be mean to tealc when they find them

- wait its chris argent dont shoot

- see I was right! Leave tealc alone 2k20

- "we are not goauld" ???? But you are?? Unless the name "goauld" isnt a species name but a certain group name? And the tokra are just a different group? But then whats their species called

- ah shit is sams dad gonna die while shes gone I dont think I can handle that

- Martouf haha u got a dumb name

- alright martouf didnt have to flex his pretty eyes at me but he sure as hell did

- 3 against 1 Jack looks like your giving up your guns

- he does NOT trust them

- "my memories of martouf are the strongest. Its like I have some weird bond with him" OH????? MY RELATIONSHIP RADAR IS PINGING

- "some little runt" best name for cancer ive heard so far

- is this all a ruse to find out what Sam does for a living!!! ......although I could be wrong since I dont know anyway to fake liver cancer

- the leader of the tokra is the most hunted goauld of all time BRUH

- tokra means against Ra? I thought it meant resistance or something

- Martouf.....i will admit. attractive. I take back what I said about having a dumb name I'm not who I was 3 minutes ago

- I thought for a sec that the male host for jolinar was who martouf was concerned for when he heard the "host died" but then I remembered that jolinar had a female host first. I had a fleeting moment of gay Chris Argent :\

- oh shit Jacob is literally like RIGHT at deaths door

- no glasses! Daniel in this scene

- a symbiotic relationship!! Thats really cool actually

- Daniel respectfully taking his hat off for the dying tokra is cute and all but......monkey brain see it hang off his neck like choker necklace

- "we dont use the sarcophagus. We believe it drains the good from our hearts"

"I can vouch for that"

- alright dudes that was not a very subtle way to ask if they want to have a little worm friend in their heads

- ah of course they dont think earth is advanced enough to have an alliance with. Hows the air from up on your fuckin high horse

- martouf: would you like to accompany me on an evening stroll, Sam?

Jack:

- "I want her back by 11 o clock" I thought we were done with this shit. Shes literally an high ranking air force officer. Pls treat her like an adult @writers

- THE TOKRA DONT HAVE A GENDER❤❤ this is actually really cool for a show from 1997

- martouf is bi I dont make the rules

- lantash taking over bc martouf too sad to keep talking 😩😩❤❤❤ I love them

- Sam being surprised that jolinar and martouf were lovers in the night. Like honey.....it was kinda obvious

- martouf describing Rosha 😭😭❤❤

- I cant imagine having memories of someone elses life. Sam is going thru some shit

- I love martouf with all my heart

- JOLINARS LOVE FOR MARTOUF WAS SO STRONG IT LEFT AN IMPRINT ON SAMS MIND

- martouf🤝Sam

- interrupting!Daniel strikes again

- AWKWARD

- Jack sneak 100. Is he gonna use the bathroom excuse again

- "no need for doors or partitions" didnt martouf just say he and jolinar were mates. How do u do the hokie pokie with no doors. What if someone walks in and ur ass out with your worm boyfriend in a cave

- Daniel rubbing his hands on everything. Im surprised he didnt lick the table

- tokra: the goauld hate us

jack: well its not a competition but they hate us more

- whats up sg3!

- hammond knowing Sam would want to be with her dad when he dies :'(

- ALRIGHT the tokra are huge assholes!! Wont even let her see her dad while hes literally dying!! I hate them all except for martouf. I just think hes neat

- to be continued -

~

Sam carter whump: emotional

No glasses!Daniel for a few minutes

🎶listening to Such A Simple Thing by Ray LaMontagne 🎶 for martouf and sams little stroll on the dune

[twerkhammett]

1-154

Holy fuck, good thing I have a long train ride😂1. Full nameAngelica DeLillo2. Age213. 3 fearsFailure, getting snatched up one of these nights im on the train alone, losing the people i care about4. 3 things I loveNik, food, and our cat5. 4 turn onsBiting, slapping (ass face and tits), being tied up or held down, and when he gets that mean look on his face and i know hes gonna be really rough with me ugh6. 4 turn offsI have had these experiences with almost every person I've been with except Nik..bad hygiene, being rushed (you cum yet?), bad oral and when i tell them what would feel good they dont listen..and worst of all sex that feels half assed. They just want to cum real quick, theres no passion or effort, they don't care if they please you at all. Fucking horrible..7. My best friendIn cali my best friend here besides Nik is Ashley, and I get to live with them both its awesome! In Florida I cant choose one cuz ive known them all forever and love those dudes..Mels, Denzel, Brauston, and Alicia8. Sexual orientationBisexual9. My best first dateWith Nikolas obviously 😉10. How tall i am5'611. What do I missMy friends and family back home12: What time were I born3:55pm13: Favourite colorGreen14: Do I have a crushOn my boyfriend😂15: Favourite quoteIdk man16: Favourite placeHard to choose one, maybe my bed😂17: Favourite foodI hate favorites..pizza and wings18: Do I use sarcasmNever :)19: What am I listening to right nowSlayer 20: First thing I notice in new personIf they're fuckin rude or not21: Shoe size822: Eye colorBrown23: Hair colorLight brownish? Auburn?24: Favourite style of clothingBlack25: Ever done a prank call?Yup27: Meaning behind my URLKirk twerkin28: Favourite movieKung Fury29: Favourite songCant choose30: Favourite bandStill cant choose my dude31: How I feel right nowMeh32: Someone I loveNik33: My current relationship statusIn love af its disgusting34: My relationship with my parentsPretty good these days35: Favourite holidayHalloween36: Tattoos and piercing i haveNips, lips, and ears37: Tattoos and piercing i wantA lot, whenever i get the money..38: The reason I joined TumblrMels made me join lol39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?I don't think he hates me, but i hate his bitch ass..40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?I used to get them from Nik but we live together so now he can just tell me lol41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?This morning42: When did I last hold hands?Yesterday43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?15mins, its caffeinating myself that can take time44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?Noooope45: Where am I right now?On BART46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?Nik, been a while since thats happened tho47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?Loud48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?Nope49: Am I excited for anything?For class to be over so i can relax lol...haven't even got there yet50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?Nik, Denzel, Brauston51: How often do I wear a fake smile?At work lmao52: When was the last time I hugged someone?Does my cat count? An hour ago lol53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?This would never happen, but I would go to jail if it did lol54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?Not that i know of?55: What is something I disliked about today?Nik had to work early and I've been sexually frustrated af56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?James57: What do I think about most?Nik and food are tied i think58: What’s my strangest talent?Idk59: Do I have any strange phobias?Eh not really60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Behind61: What was the last lie I told?Not sure, probably at work lol62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?On the phone63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Aliens yeah64: Do I believe in magic?Nah65: Do I believe in luck?Not really66: What’s the weather like right now?64 and clear skys67: What was the last book I’ve read?Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?Yesss69: Do I have any nicknames?Besides the ones Nik has for me no70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?Cut my knee open71: Do I spend money or save it?That shits gone pretty fast dont get to spend it on anything fun tho haha72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?Nah73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?My backpack has some pink on it74: Favourite animal?My cat😂75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?Fucking76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?Trump77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?Nightcrawler78: How can you win my heart?Be Nikolas or James Hetfield79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?Nothing80: What is my favorite word?Fuck81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrIdk man i like a lot of yall82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?Someone please assasinate the orange one83: Do I have any relatives in jail?Not that i know of84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?Invisibility or time travel85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Not sure86: What is my current desktop picture?Some nature pic bc i havent change it87: Had sex?On a daily basis my dude88: Bought condoms?Yes89: Gotten pregnant?No90: Failed a class?Yup91: Kissed a boy?Yup92: Kissed a girl?Yep93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?Yes, Nik94: Had job?Sadly95: Left the house without my wallet?Fucking yes!!!96: Bullied someone on the internet?No lol97: Had sex in public?A few days ago lmao98: Played on a sports team?Yep99: Smoked weed?This is where my extra money goes..sigh100: Did drugs?Nothing crazy but yeah101: Smoked cigarettes?Yes102: Drank alcohol?Yeah103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?Noo104: Been overweight?Nope105: Been underweight?Nope106: Been to a wedding?Yep107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?Yes lol108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?Yeah109: Been outside my home country?Not yet, but I plan on it110: Gotten my heart broken?Yeah couple years ago111: Been to a professional sports game?Yep112: Broken a bone?My finger lol113: Cut myself?A while ago114: Been to prom?Nope115: Been in airplane?Yes116: Fly by helicopter?No but I want to!!117: What concerts have I been to?Megadeth, Metallica, Exodus, Testament, Carcass, Slayer, Midnight, Kreator, Obituary, Children of Bodom, Rammstein, and a few more but those were the best ones118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?Quite a few times119: Learned another language?Some German and some ASL120: Wore make up?I wear mascara121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?Yeah122: Had oral sex?Yupppppp123: Dyed my hair?Yes124: Voted in a presidential election?Yep!125: Rode in an ambulance?Nope126: Had a surgery?No127: Met someone famous?Nope128: Stalked someone on a social network?A while ago hahah129: Peed outside?Yep130: Been fishing?Yes131: Helped with charity?I donate to greenpeace monthly132: Been rejected by a crush?Sorta133: Broken a mirror?Im sure I have, I def had a big ass mirror fall on my fuckin head one time tho!134: What do I want for birthday?Some dick😂135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?2 max, no idea about names, havent thought about it much136: Was I named after anyone?No137: Do I like my handwriting?Its a bit sloppy but yeah138: What was my favourite toy as a child?Barbies lol139: Favourite Tv Show?DBZ😂140: Where do I want to live when older?The forest, somewhere in Colorado maybe141: Play any musical instrument?Not well lol142: One of my scars, how did I get it?Accidentally stabbed myself at work143: Favourite pizza toping?Mushrooms144: Am I afraid of the dark?No, I need it to sleep145: Am I afraid of heights?A bit146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?Yes lmao, many times by my dad usually147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?Did you mean my last relationship😂😂148: What I’m really bad atProcrastination149: What my greatest achievments areGetting the fuck out of fl, some of my artwork, learning to cope with my depression150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to meProb something my ex said lol151: What I’d do if I won in a lotteryQuit my job, build a house, and open a cave bar (me and Ashley were just talkin about that)152: What do I like about myselfWell i guess i never stop trying even tho i fuck up a lot hahah153: My closest Tumblr friend@stalkhome-sindrone probably😁154: Something I fantasise aboutA stable income...Thanks for that big ass ask my anonymous dude!!😂To the rest of my followers, sorry for the long post and some of the tmi questions😊

[charlie-artlie]

hhhhhggrrrmmhhhgggggggg aaaaaaa ok i got on in this white hell box to start slamming rvb s15 but that ep10 was so good!!!!!!! click below to watch me go back and forth on this topic for like 5or10 paragraphs lmao!!!!!!!!!

ok so lemme start with things i like which 

1). UHG??? that beach scene!!!!!!! perfect amazing perfection everything ive ever wanted???!!!!????!!!! they held hands im literally crying my hands were over my face the whole time like!!!!!!! AAAAAA so that was great

2). i........ like temple. even tho i got spoiled about him being a villain  i still thought the reveal was good and i have such a soft spot for smarmy yandere style “im gonna emotionally torture u :)” villains. it also probably doesnt help that i love and miss church so hes a fun stand in on that front AS WELL AS a stand in as tuckers new evil boyfriend now that felix is a pancake

2.5). unrelated but did we get confirm on felix being dead??? he aint dead til i see a body jussaiyin...

3). i have mixed feelings on church coming back that ill get into but church is maybe my favorite character so ultimately i view that as a plus?

4). i really put this one off cuz i was still reeling over this newest episode but all the potential grif development (and by extension red team development as a whole) that looks like its gonna happen this season has got me bittin the pillow like i kid u not im on the edge of my seat fam

ok but like. now onto the real shit. (THIS GOT SO LONG SHIT)

the one thing that is really REALLY holding me back from fully enjoying this season is wanting to know what the crews fuckin intentions are with this show. like. im gonna go ahead and put my hat on the fuckin table or whatever but season 13 was an ending. it was  good fucking ending too (and i know someones gonna go back and pull up receipts of me a year or so ago begging for a continuation season after s13 ended but dont do that pls) and to continue after an ending like that with a time skip like that makes this whole season feel like an epilogue to me? like a clean up? like there were some loose ends were tying up.

like. if theyre serious about this season and about ALL these new characters theyre bringing up then were looking at an arc here. like its gonna have to be to bring this to a proper close after all this extra shit?? they cant comfortably bring this to a close in one season

like what are they planning????whats the point of all this????

i honestly wouldn’t even  be so bent out of shape about it all, like it wouldn’t seem like such a stretch but the fact that we’re introduced to this season with dylan, who is also, largely, framed as a main character this season. who is. a new character. :/

like i get the narrative tool of using a reporter to drag your characters out of retirement for “one last job” (again, kinda framing it to be one season which worries me!) but whyyyyyy do we have to go through all this stuff with dylan and jax??????? like W H Y do we have to go through the same relationship development we’ve seen like three times already?????? jax is characteristically indistinguishable from caboose, so like???? weve seen this before!! the cold cynical “i dont need friends im just doing my job” person getting frustrated by having to deal with the idiot heart-of-gold tagalong who refuses to hate them no matter how mean or terrible they are like?? we saw it with church and caboose. we saw it later with wash and caboose. we saw it with church and caboose againnnnnnnn. we even kinda saw it with tucker and palomo!!!!! like whats the point of repeating this scene again and again!!!! we get it cynical mean assholes deserve unconditional love too i guess!!!!

like i just cant really get into it. and i dont even really mind dylan like i like her a lot more than i initially thought i would but i already can pretty much see the direction her character arch is going so im just sorta like shrug. shes gonna push jax until he leaves and then...........only then..........will she learn how much she should have valued his unconditional love.................even if he annoyed her and they didnt get along objectively in any way shape or form. but since he likes her then its her job to reciprocate even if she doesnt get anything out of the relationship at all. also she shot him. but whatever their friendship is beautiful (didnt know i had this much salt over this particular subject lmao whoops)

ok so narratively i only see two reasons to do this and im not crazy about either

1). theyre building up to draw some parallels between dylan and like wash or church or s/t but again i dont see the reasoning like why is this season framed around teacher dylan an important lesson about friendship you brought the show back from the jaws or death to give my a character arc for a new character????

2). this its more significant than it seems (i.e. theyre not who we think they are, i mean, its pretty suspicious we only have jax’s stage name rn) like theyre more significant players than we’ve been led to believe

(((also also im with grif on the whole bringing church back thing lmao. like WE DID THIS ALREADY??? there were a lot of AI why dont we ever go on an epic quest to save any of my other favs like oh idk TEX?????????!!!!!!!!!???????)))

but really tho my real and true problem is that i cant tell why theyre still making episodes. is it because theres still a story here that needs to be told or just because they can. and i know my hangup with this mostly stems from one interview i saw after s13 ended with miles and burnie where burnie pretty much said “yea if i had it my way uh i would end it here but hey it is what it is :/” and that just sorta struck a cord with me. maybe because he was a writer and one of the original people who created it i was sorta uncomfortable with taking the show places he didnt want to take it (and i could be TOTALLY off base with this assessment!!!! like i dont know how burnie really feels about this show rn he could be totally digging the new stuff this is just a personal things thats a hangup in just my own head!!!!)

ok so i think i covered pretty much everything i needed to say about this season so far if you actually read this far thanks if u gave up and skipped to the end then i have one last food for thought:

im gonna be the huge stick in the mud who says it: people are putting way too much faith in a company that is still using donut to make cheap gay jokes by actually thinking grimmons is going to become canon and im sorry that youre going to be disappointed. what we are going to get is a unsatisfying reunion and subsequent make up a la church and tucker in s12 and thats it.

thats not what i want to happen thats what i believe will happen. i am FULLY prepared to eat my own hat if im wrong. you may consider this text post legally binding

[brufterfly]

Tagged by @britishteeth

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag people

THE LAST:

1. Drink: technically the last thing i drank was the milk from my cereal bowl

2. Phone call: my mom

3. Text message: roommates group chat

4. Song you listened to: Looking Glass by the Birthday Massacre

5. Time you cried: I think it was the night i came home from college

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: yikes, no

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: eh

8. Been cheated on: no

9. Lost someone special: my cat

10. Been depressed: lmao is that really a question

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: never

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14. hot pink, black, and that really nice shade of grey that i can never get right when im trying to draw

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: of course

16. Fallen out of love: i wish

17. Laughed until you cried: i think so

18. Found out someone was talking about you: probably?

19. Met someone who changed you: yeah

20. Found out who your friends are: of course

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yeah but one of them was before he was on my facebook list

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: fuck idk

23. Do you have any pets: 2 dogs, 2 ducks, and 2 many chickens

24. Do you want to change your name: i just want to spellcheck it

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i went swimming and had like a brownie cake thing

26. What time did you wake up: 9:00 but only because i missed my first alarm

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: tryna sleep

28. Name something you can’t wait for: the last day of my summer vacation

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: fuckin like two hours ago

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: too many things

31. What are you listening to right now: Looking Glass by the Birthday Massacre

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i…. dont think so

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: love

34. Most visited website: probably tumblr

35. Mole/s: uhhhh idk

36. Mark/s: i have a scar on my left temple but most of it is hidden by my hairline also a couple stretch marks

37. Childhood dream: i remember i wanted to be an astronaut but then i settled on a creative writer ive since stopped writing creatively

38. Hair color: black with reddish tips

39. Long or short hair: i cant decide

40. Do you have a crush on someone: more than a crush

41. What do you like about yourself?: fuck man i i dunno shit

42. Piercings: i have a mole on my ear that looks like a piercing?

43. Blood type: shit idk, is this something i should know

44. Nickname: a friend of mine in high school called me b-ri, ive picked up one or two in college, and theres a ton of them based on my various online usernames

45. Relationship status: kill me

46. Zodiac: ♈

47. Pronouns: he/him, they/them

48. Favorite TV Show(s): Rick and Morty, Star vs the Forces of Evil, Steven Universe, Gravity Falls, How I Met Your Mother

50. Right or left hand: right

51. Surgery: i think i had a root canal once, does that count is that a surgery

52. Hair dyed in different color: hot pink but its since faded to a blondish orangish color

53. Sport: ew

55. Vacation: San Francisco, planned one to Michigan but it ended up not happening

56. Pair of trainers: i have like, three, two of them were 5$ each

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: i ate some reese’s puffs earlier

58. Drinking: soda mostly

59. I’m about to: sleep restlessly

61. Waiting for: the sweet release of death

62. Want: his lips on mine

63. Get married: ideally

64. Career: i just want to be financially stable

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: fuck man theyre both so good, but i guess it depends on who theyre coming from

66. Lips or eyes: again, theyre both so good, but i do tend to focus on lips more,,

67. Shorter or taller: taller

68. Older or younger: older

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: bOTH SO GOOD

71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive

72. Hook up or relationship: hookup :U

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: uhhh

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: lmao i only kiss strangers

75. Drank hard liquor: yeah

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yeah and it sucks because i cant find them without my glasses

77. Turned someone down: not as many times as i should have

78. Sex on the first date: no

79. Broken someone’s heart: yeah

80. Had your heart broken: by my family, never had it broken in any romantic sense though

81. Been arrested: no but i did ride in the back of a cop car once

82. Cried when someone died: no…

83. Fallen for a friend: lmao is that really a question

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: lmao no

85. Miracles: eh

86. Love at first sight: no

87. Santa Claus: no

88. Kiss on the first date: absolutely

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: in no particular order; Nick, Zara, Meagan, Monica, Jocelyne

91. Eye color: black

92. Favorite movie: anything Disney honestly

i tag uhhh whoever wants to do it im too tired to actually go and list off people

[joonbugged]

getting to know me *:･ﾟ✧

hey @rapmonphile tagged me in my first tag game!!! i thoroughly appreciate her so follow her for quality content (esp joon)

your last …

1. drink: tropicana pink lemonade bc i go hard

2. phone call: my mom. she was mad at me for being injured?? thanks mom

3. text message: to an old friend who i just put puzzle pieces together and realized hes a kpop fan!! we’ve been reconnecting and its gr8

4. song you listened to: as if its your last by blackpink (my queens)

5. time you cried: @btsatschool admins made me hecka emo like 2 weeks ago

have you ever …

6. dated someone twice: nope

7. kissed someone and regretted it: yes but never immediately ya know

8. been cheated on: yes

9. lost someone special: yes

10. been depressed: for! the! past! 5! years! of! my! life! im ok though, if anyone can relate pls keep fighting its worth it

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: funny story. yes ive gotten drunk. like shitfaced. but i never throw up!

list 3 favorite colors

12-14. shit... usually I just say green but since you asked for 3: mint green, maroon, and any silver or gold shit thats also holographic

in the last year, have you …

15. made new friends: yes!!!

16. fallen out of love: not sure if it was love to begin with

17. laughed until you cried: absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you: ive had my suspicions but they’ve never actually been confirmed. at least not when it comes to negative stuff

19. met someone who changed you: idk if this counts bc i havent actually met them but bang! tan! so! nyeon! dan!

20. found out who your friends are: see i always think im having this moment but then the people in question always pull shit that changes my mind back to being like “ok yeah i guess youre a real friend”

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: two of em

random questions

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i wont add someone unless i know them personally, save for a few ldr that im very VERY close to. so i know them all

23. do you have any pets: THREE CATS THEY ARE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE

24. do you want to change your name: all the time.

25. what did you do for your last birthday: i had to do college shit!! (it was on june 9th btw) and i got my period!!! so it was f a n t a s t i c

26. what time did you wake up: 9:30 ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: talking with my friendos from here

28. name something you can’t wait for: idk... im gonna be in a couple shows soon but i can wait for them all to happen really. lame answer but i cant think of anything atm

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: monday morning

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: just one??? i guess i was just more secure with myself and knew who i truly was. bc i have a bad habit of acting differently to please different people and not being confident in myself and that needs to g o

31. what are you listening to right now: the sounds of me typing this lmao. and my roomie watching netflix. its so quiet i can hear the noise from her headphones

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: hello?? my lifelong best friend is a thomas

33. something that is getting on your nerves: im trying to hang with some of my pals this week and they keep not responding to me

34. most visited website: tumblr and youtube

35-37. apparently these questions are lost to the void

38. hair color: brown with leftover maroon and dark brown dyes in it

39. long or short hair: im growing it out so its short atm

40. do you have a crush on someone: y e s too many people

41. what do you like about yourself: i can do makeup real well and i have cute tiddies (when they in my bra)

42. piercings: just one on both earlobes. im considering a nose ring

43. blood type: a positive?? but i still dont understand why thats important to know in terms of kpop idols. do i need to donate blood to them?

44. nickname: if you wanna be hip call me mitch

45. relationship status: single. desperately seeking a fwb

46. zodiac: gemini ass

47. pronouns: she/her

48. favorite tv show: the walking dead and the 100

49. tattoos: cant get any bc of theatre. wanna get a small semicolon on my finger

50. right or left handed: right

51. surgery: never major surgeries. i once has to get an inflamed salivary gland removed and ive had my run in with stitches. but nothing major

52. piercing: yep this is a repeat

53. favorite sport: dancing, swimming, and biking

55. favorite vacation: my trip to nebraska last year

56. favorite pair of trainers: what are trainers

57. eating: about to go get dinner. if this is a question about fave foods then i guess my moms spaghetti (no irony here)

58. drinking: currently nothing. i would sell my firstborn for sunny D tho

59. i’m about to: get changed for a partayyyy

61. waiting for: my other roomie to wake up from her nap so we can eat

62. want: MY ANKLES TO CHILL WITH THE PAIN THEYRE GIVING ME

63. get married: im a hopeless romantic so you better believe my ho ass is tying the knot one of these days

64. career: got my sights set on being an actress. i currently make pizza.

which is better

65. hugs or kisses: kisses

66. lips or eyes: eyes

67. shorter or taller: if its a s/o i prefer them to be taller

68. older or younger: older if s/os

70. nice arms or nice stomach: im a sucker for a cute ass tummy

71. sensitive or loud: i agree how do these relate but i like it when people are sensitive. not when they like cant handle anything but more like when theyre in tune with their own emotions and thoughts and try not to be a toughie

72. hook up or relationship: relationship

73. troublemaker or hesitant: my fam would wanna say troublemaker but im hesitant af

have you ever …

74. kissed a stranger: i wish

75. drank hard liquor: yeeeeeah

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: im not a fuckin genie of course i have

77. turned someone down: yes

78. sex on the first date: heck no

79. broken someone’s heart: yes!

80. had your heart broken: yes!!

81. been arrested: no

82. cried when someone died: yes

83. fallen for a friend: yes esp with my gay ass

do you believe in …

84. yourself: i wanna laugh and be like heh no, but i really do

85. miracles: sorta

86. love at first sight: i believe in lust at first sight

87. santa claus: nope but i used to be hardcore as a kid

88. kiss on the first date: yeah. i support cheek pecks but lips are game if it went real well

89. angels: not guardian angels no

other

90. best friend’s name:  tom, katie

91. eye color: poop brown

92. favorite movie: warm bodies

tagging

heres one for the babes: @disastermanjoon @btsatschool (B) @myhomeistuan @eomma-eagle @bunnybubkook @minswaggy-dt @teaacuptaee

[asomeonenamedjey]

can you answer all 150 in like a master post, you can take all the time you want, but honestly, I love knowing all that I can about my friends and people answering asks is like, my kink, so pls jey

 LETS DO THIS (under the cut)

1.Who was the last person you held hands with? my friend ellie

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? it would be nice to see my pal @imametaphwhore​

4. Are you easy to get along with? i guess so?

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? idk most likely my friends 

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? feminine boys when it comes to looks and pursinalety wise i tend to find myself attracted to ppl who seem ultra anxious

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? lmao no

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ...no one really atleast not in a romantic sence

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not really tbh

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? my friend ellie...but it wasnt that

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “what do you wanna eat that isnt pizza”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? the entire wintergatan and detektivbyran albums

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i liked it when it was long but ppl cant really do it anymore since its short but i love it so so much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? miracles? no luck..sure

15. What good thing happened this summer? i got out of a toxic friendship and i grew as a purson

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? ...i think i kissed my mom a few weeks ago

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? yeah but not in the green human like thing with big black eyes sort of way

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? never had one

19. Do you like bubble baths? hell no

20. Do you like your neighbors? tbh i have no clue if i even have neighbors...

21. What are you bad habits? i actually tend to be really mean to others as a way to take out my anger in myself rather than properly managing self hatred and stuff..idk i know its bad and i want to stop =/

22. Where would you like to travel? germany!

23. Do you have trust issues? no but it takes me a long long time to warm up to someone

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? getting to watch wintergatan videos

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? idk tbh i actually dont mind my body much, i mean yeah it would be nice to look more masculen but i dont hate my body

26. What do you do when you wake up? to my desk where my computer is

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around? aside from family? idk i recently got really confterble with my pals ellie its been a while since ive gotten so close to someone 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? again i never dated anyone

30. Do you ever want to get married? not really

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? a tiny tiny one near the top

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? ....idk im not really attracted to anyone in that sort of way

33. Spell your name with your chin. ujew7yu

34. Do you play sports? What sports? no..

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? without TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? never liked anyone period

37. What do you say during awkward silences? nothing...

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? dont have one... jessie eisenberg is pretty though

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? tbh i really like looking around in toy stores...

40. What do you want to do after high school? im not sure i might make music i might do more art i might become a doctor..im not sure

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes but if you fuck it up you deserve nothing

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im not too loud in the first place but im probubly overwelmed

43. Do you smile at strangers? no

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? yes

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? wintergatan..

46. What are you paranoid about? that ppl just think im gross are only talk to me out of pitty

47. Have you ever been high? no but my sister has lmao

48. Have you ever been drunk? no but my sister has lmao

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yeah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? navy green

51. Ever wished you were someone else? quite a few times acttually haha

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i was cis

53. Favourite makeup brand? dont like makeup

54. Favourite store? ...hot topic..i dont buy clothes from there though

55. Favourite blog? star-nebula

56. Favourite colour? desatuated blues and reds i hate greens, yellows, and oranges

57. Favourite food? spaghetti+bread

58. Last thing you ate? mashed potatos and potato salad

59. First thing you ate this morning? 3 hashbrowns

60. Ever won a competition? For what? rythmic gysnastics

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? no..

62. Been arrested? For what? stepping on my dogs foot...he yelped and i turned myself in

63. Ever been in love? no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? never had one

65. Are you hungry right now? i just ate mashed potatos and potato salad

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? alot of my real friends are also my tumblr friends

67. Facebook or Twitter? hate both

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? no

70. Names of your bestfriends? ellie emily and maka

71. Craving something? What? nothing

72. What colour are your towels? green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 body pillows and 1 small square one

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no there annoying

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 3 but all of them are smol and on my shelf

75. Favourite animal? i like whales

76. What colour is your underwear? dark green

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? green tea

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black

80. What colour pants? grey

81. Favourite tv show? none atm

82. Favourite movie? why stop now

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? heathers

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? none

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? dont like the movie

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? dory

87. First person you talked to today? my mom

88. Last person you talked to today? my mom

89. Name a person you hate? fuckin ethan

90. Name a person you love? emily maka ellie charlie

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? no im chill

92. In a fight with someone? no im chill

93. How many sweatpants do you have? like 4

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 3

95. Last movie you watched? hethers

96. Favourite actress? dont have one

97. Favourite actor? as i said i like jesse eisenberg alot

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? 2 betta fish and an old dog i love them

100. How are you feeling? good alittle tired and a little bitter sweet

101. Do you type fast? i think so?

102. Do you regret anything from your past? toxic friendship i was in

103. Can you spell well? lmao no

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? my uncle sam, he’s gone now though

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yeah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? probubly

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah her name was penelope

108. What should you be doing? studying german

109. Is something irritating you right now? idk im tired of most humans atm

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? ive wanted physical affection from someone so bad it hurt but nothing romantic

111. Do you have trust issues? no not really

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my friend grechen i think

113. What was your childhood nickname? birth name..nothing speacial

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? oh yeah 100%

115. Do you play the Wii? not anymore but i have one

116. Are you listening to music right now? yeah

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? sorta

118. Do you like Chinese food? yeah

119. Favourite book? idk

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no but sometimes my imaganation gets the best of me

121. Are you mean? yes and i dont like it

122. Is cheating ever okay? no not ever

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? i cant keep black shoes clean take a lucky guess

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? no

126. Are you currently bored? not really

127. What makes you happy? music art wintergatan

128. Would you change your name? already did (not officaly but whatever)

129. What your zodiac sign? leo

130. Do you like subway? its alright

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell them im not into them and see what happens

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? i think i already answered this

133. Favourite lyrics right now? none right now

134. Can you count to one million? anyone can if they have the time

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? “i didnt kick that kid” I WAS 6 OK SHUT UP

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed

137. How tall are you? 5′3 i think

138. Curly or Straight hair? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? brunette

140. Summer or Winter? fall

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? dont have one april i guess

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk

145. Tea or Coffee? tea

146. Was today a good day? yeah

147. Mars or Snickers? snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote? “Talent is totally overrated patience and hard work is all you need”

149. Do you believe in ghosts? no

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line “my death-wound fron the side whence i expecten no ill, and be safe on that where i looked for most danger”

[bigbadconnivingbastard]

All of them :}}}}

WHY DO YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY

Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

i dont know whether to get rid of certain people or not

Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

sometimes

If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

eh. id disapprove but i wouldnt go off the rails

Do you find it easy to trust others?

no LOL

What were you doing at 11PM last night?

playing stardew valley on the xbox, i got an iridium bar be proud of me

You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

I AM 13

What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

i just get really pissed and cut off the person

Are you close with your dad?

yea

I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

...no

What are you listening to?

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Do you like hickeys?

i wouldnt know

What time do you go to bed?

it varies

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

yeah😔

Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

no

Do you always answer your texts?

sometimes i get overwhelmed but yea i try

Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

iiiiiiiiii dont think so?

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

todayayaya @quackbug

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

@katmeeliaz no homo💖

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

...I DONT KNOW??

Is anyone else in the room with you?

im on my couch rn so yea my dad's in the living room

Do you believe what goes around comes around?

depends.

Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

no, i was pretty miserable

Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

yes, but i dont know if they would care if i tried

In the past week, have you cried?

ive come close, but no

What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

bl00

Do people ever call you by your last name?

never. HAHA

Is anyone ignoring you right now?

oh for sure </3

Do you have a best friend?

@quackbug heyyyyyyy

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

i cant even remember the last person i kissed so @katmeeliaz 💋 and no

Who was your last call/text message from?

bug sent me this and they were also my last call

Are you mad at anyone?

multiple

Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yea

How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

rainy gon be 14 wooooooo

How many more days until your birthday?

273. LMAO

Do you have any summer plans yet?

yea im goin to hawaii bitch

Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

julian n russell

Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

😐

Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

i thought everyone did??

Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yea

Do you think age matters in relationships?

depends on the mental age of both people, and whether or not its legal so i dont know

Are you available?

...i suppose? i dont know the context

How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

sits in middle school

If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

im a pussy i hate that stuff so i have no idea

Do you believe exes can be friends?

yea! although it depends on the terms you left on

Do you regret anything?

many things

Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

my dumbass read that and my mind went "DICK" so now i gotta say dick i hate it here

Did you ever lose a best friend?

mhm

Was your last kiss a mistake?

nop

Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

i dont have one thats why

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

heard, yes

Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

yes

What was the last thing you ate?

dowitos

Did you get any compliments today?

got called creative,, so yea

Where are you going on your next vacation?

not sure, we'll see

Do you own anything from other countries?

yea i have some stuff from ireland, im in the us

Are most of your friend guys or girls?

gals

Where have you lived most of your life?

i aint ANSWERIN THAT SHIT CUZ I STILL LIVE THERE

When was the last time you took a long drive?

god knows how long ago sweats

Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

no and i dont think i ever will bc haha that shit scary

Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

ive watched and thought it was funny

Who do you text the most?

@katmeeliaz we have like 900 messages a day

What was the last movie you saw?

ffffffffuck uh I DONT REMEMBER OOPS

What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

my what now

How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

i was deadass 3 years old

Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

cuz of our birthdays yea

Do you curse around your parents?

yeah LMAO

Are you happy with where you live?

oh yeah for sure i love it here

Picture of yourself?

i dont think ive ever seriously taken a picture of myself so have my bird

Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

ive only been in one relationship so idk

Have you ever been dumped?

in a way

What do you most like about making out?

never kissed someone romantically irl before so shrug

Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

i personally think that shit's gross i would wanna save that for someone special :(

When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

iiiiiiiiiii do not remember

What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

idk i guess eyes? i like eyes in multiple contexts

Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

i believe it was bug i do not remember

Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

😐

Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

😐😐😐😐😐

What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face

im super weak to people telling me they look up to me n shit that makes my heart die

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

what fuckin 13-15 year old am i gonna know who has a kid

Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

yes and my response was hazbin hotel memes, we still talk about it cuz it was funny

Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

i dont ever really have crushes like i rlly think i might be aromantic

Do you miss your last sweetie?

as a friend? yea. as a partner? nop

Last time you slow danced with someone?

in a past life i guess

Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

my friends' ocs yea

How can I win your heart?

i dont know myself well enough to say

What is your astrological sign?

fis- pisces

What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

still playin that stardew valley

Do you cook?

yea!

Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

yeah LOL it was like 9 months of no talking and we just saw each other like ":0000 BRO IS THAT YOU"

If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

no, i dont need one to be happy

Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

cant say

What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

nice hands,,,u gotta have nice hands so i can hold em

Name four things that you wish you had!

i cant name four, but

i want this. like pls. can i just have this on my desk or something i want it im begging

Are you a player?

no

Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

no?

Are you a tease?

yea :]] in a friendly way tho

Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

not yet but someday i will go to ihop with @quackbug and get cupcake pancakes

Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

yea! its a nice feeling

Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

@katmeeliaz platonically

Hugs or Kisses?

hugs..i havent been kissed enough to prefer em

Are you too shy to ask someone out?

i dont really ask people out anyways

The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

for some reason manly guys dont interest me i want a small sweetie that i can cuddl so i guess that i mean why u think he exist

Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

"bae/babe" makes me want to crumple into a ball so no

If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

no because if they're being unfaithful to their partner i doubt they're very smart

Do you flirt a lot?

in a jokin way yea

Your last kiss?

@katmeeliaz platonically

Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

no

Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

mhm

If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

shrug

Does someone like you currently?

maybe, i wouldnt know

Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

nah

Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

shrug again

Ever made out with just a friend?

virtually yeah but it was more of a joking thing HAHAH

Are you happier single or in a relationship?

a relationship is just a nice thing to add into your life, it wont bring you happiness, your life can be just as happy without someone if you live it correctly

[steveharringtonsbutt]

I was tagged by Toria, sorry this was like a mad while ago but im bad at tumblr n didnt see this until literally today

THE LAST

1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: my new job lmao 3. Text message: to toria about the nice poop i took 4. Song you listened to: Only Angel/Harry Styles 5. Time you cried: literally yesterday those Intrusive Thoughts got me 6. Dated someone twice: ALMOST!!!! WHAT A MISTAKE LMFAO 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: lmao yes 8. Lost someone special: does my cat count? 9. Been cheated on: I have v good reason to believe that i have 10. Been depressed: HELL yeah 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no  Three favorite colors - light purples, rose gold, black

IN THE LAST YEAR I HAVE

15. Fallen out of love: No!! <3 16. Laughed until you cried: Like three times a week AT LEAST 17. Found out someone has been talking about you: YES, she prob still follows me here because shes a dumb bitch so, if ur reading this, u know who u are :) i rlly hope u see this <3

18. Ever met someone who changed you: Yes, for both good and bad yikes

19. Found out who your friends are: yes

20: Kissed someone on your Facebook list: lmfao yes????

GENERAL

21. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all except one  22. Do you have any pets: three cats and a dog 23. Do you want to change your name: only every day of my life??? 

24: What did you do for your last birthday: went to an antique mall 25. What time did you wake up: 6:30am  26. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching netflix and doing homework 27. Name something you can’t wait for: new apartment! 28. When was the last time you saw your mom: last month 29. What are you listening to right now:  English Girls by The Maine 30. Have you ever talked to someone named Tom: actually no?? 31. Something that is getting on your nerves right now: my med term prof 32. Most visited website: probably fuckin amazon or some shit 33. Hair color: natural is dirty blonde with some red, current hair color is red 34. Short or long hair: medium and its growin  35. Do you have a crush on someone: obvs?? ive been with my crush for a little over 2yrs now

36. What do you like about yourself: ACADEMIC ABILITIES! 

37. Any piercings: ye, Classic Lobes, tragus, rook, nostril soon (hopefully) 38: blood type: oh fuck if i know  39: Nickname: katy is my nickname. sometimes kate.  40. Relationship status: Taken by a Cool Guy 41. Zodiac: Leo 42. Pronouns: She/Her  43. Favourite TV show: Over the Garden Wall rn 44. Tattoos: Zero (0) 45. Right or left handed: Left 46. Surgery: 2 in my mouth 47: Sport: um,,,?? i cant even stand without falling, do you rlly think i can play a sport  48. Vacation: beach 49. Trainers: excuse me 50. Eating: i have not eaten all day lmao why am i like this 51. Drinking: wator slurp slurp  52. I’m about to: go to med term and hope the lord doesnt test me today 53. Waiting for: REST 54. Want: to REST 55. Get married: yeah someday but this bitch got some lofty goals                       56. Career: Neurosurgeon lmfao

WHICH IS BETTER

57. Hugs or kisses: um depends on who u r? 58. Lips or eyes: eyes 59. Short or Tall: Tall 60. Older or younger: as long as theyre mature idc hes literally two weeks older than me so like??? 61. Nice arms or stomach: i dont think about this 62. Hookup or relationship: for me personally relationship but whatevr floats ur boat fren  63. Troublemaker or Hesitant: wow idk hesitant i guess but i have my Reasons

HAVE YOU EVER

64: kissed a stranger: No 65: drank hard liquor: Yes 66. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No 67. Had your heart broken: Yes basically i was heartbroken for the entirety of high school 68. Been arrested: no! 69. Cried when someone died: yes i cry when anything dies 70. Fallen for a friend: Not really, i dont think. maybe once?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

71. Yourself: why do i have to call myself out this isnt fair nor cool 72. Miracles: yeah why not 73. Love at first sight: This is hard…. 74. Santa Claus: not since i was 13 my guy 75. Kiss on the first date: Yeah, if that's what ur comfy with 76. Angels: yes! If demons and ghosts are real angels are too bitch

OTHER

Eye color: light blueish gray somethin or other. my right eye started to turn green and then changed its mind, so its been bespeckeled Favorite Movie(s): Boondock Saints (THE FIRST ONE THE SEQUEL SUCKS EGGS!!!!), Josie and the Pussycats from 2001, Annabelle, Step Up franchise…wow how do i love movies but cant think of any the minute im asked

Tag 20 people: ok so i dont even know 20 people irl and the two (2) people i do know have already done this so like,,,,im not gonna tag anyone but do this @ ur leisure if you really wanna???

[baekhoneyed]

tagged by @kokokysoo for one of those “get to know me” memes! (under the cut cuz its so long)

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (idk how many people ill end up tagging and dont feel obligated!!)

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water but like i think my flatmates put vodka in the ice cube trays so?? not sure exactly how much is accidentally Not Water

2. Phone Call: uhhhhh a study abroad program advisor

3. Text Message: my older brother tryna convince me that i’ll make friends eventually lmao

4. Song you listened to: i actually stopped writing this to grab a sweater but then TT came on and i instinctively dance to it now so that happened

5. Time you cried: almost last night but like... not enough feelings to actually cry yet just wait

6. Dated someone twice: never even dated someone once, bro...

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i never regret giving my dog kisses but sometimes my cat swipes at me :/

8. Been cheated on: gotta have a boyfriend first to get cheated on

9. Lost someone special: yup

10. Been depressed: only since i was 12 years old  l m f a o

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i hate puking so i never go past being tipsy

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. red!

13. millennial pink fight me

14. rose gold fight me again

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yyyes but i sure would like to make some more Here, at my Current University

16. Fallen out of love: mmm not Love but definitely Like? i stopped Liking someone who i had a crush on

17. Laughed until you cried: so frequently it’s worrisome

18. Found out someone was talking about you: um did u mean middle and high school? i was such a petty bitch tho i put em in their places after crying in my room alone lmfao

19. Met someone who changed you: yes yes yes! dallon is the first who comes to mind he’s... no words

20. Found out who your friends are: ummm i dont know?

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list: ...my mom??? lmao

GENERAL:

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them except a few who ive just added bc we’re all transfer students to the same university this year and im Desperate

23. Do you have any pets: yes!! 2 cats, Harry and Kai (shut up ok i’ve always liked that syllable in chinese) and one dog, Lady my perfect cuddle angel baby

24. Do you want to change your name: honestly... sometimes yeah? but only because it’s so boring when it’s translated into chinese/korean so maybe i’d just change my names in those languages idk

25. What did you do for your last birthday: probably just went out to dinner w/ my family, but when i got back to my old college my friends and i went to a store in Queens it was such a good day...

26. What time did you wake up: like... noon probably lmao #depression

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: rewatching exo next door and gettin emotional over ksoo

28. Name something you can not wait for: THE POWER OF MUSIC BITCH LESS THAN 12 HOURS NOW

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: a couple weeks ago when she and my dad helped me move in to my apartment

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i didnt have fucking depression! anxiety is easy to deal with for me but depression isnt

31. What are you listening to right now: walk on memories

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i have a 2nd cousin named Tom he’s like 50 years old

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ......so much

34. Most visited website: netflix/facebook/tumblr

35. Mole/s: one on my back, one on my neck, one under my left boob... i think that’s it

36. Mark/s: mostly bruises on my shins bc im clumsy; also some shaving scars from like 3+ years ago (one of em bled for 4 days while i was in china!)

37. Childhood dream: typical american kid stuff like ballerina and movie star

38. Hair color: medium brown i guess? it used to be lighter but it’s been getting darker as i get older

39. Long or short hair: i just cut it short again so it’s just touching my shoulders when dry (it’s wavy-curly so it’s a bit longer than that in reality)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yeah can i have uhhhhhhhh byun baekhyun? no one irl tho

41. What do you like about yourself: ive got a great complexion that has really calmed down in the past few years! and i love my eyes ive got gorgeous eyes and a nice smile and a cute body and ive been doin self-love the past year can u tell?

42. Piercings: just regular ear piercings that i only got... a year ago...

43. Blood type: i never remember but maybe O? whichever one is the most common i think idk tho

44. Nickname: lulu is a nickname, ummm ive had a few friends call me em or ems which is cute

45. Relationship status: chronically single and repulsive to the male population, perhaps?

46. Zodiac: sun in pisces/leo rising (fun fact when i was little a kid asked me my sign so i said pisces and he called me fish poop so i cried) (he was probably a gemini the fuckin asshole), year of the tiger

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite tv show: pushing daisies, 30 rock, scrubs, grey’s anatomy but only up til the 8th season then it’s bad

49. Tattoos: i actually almost got one a few weeks ago but then i lost my job :/ i wanted to get “je ne regrette rien” tattooed on my hip bone real small

50. Right or left handed: right - i used to be able to write pretty well with my left hand but alas...

51. Surgery: yyyup wisdom teeth removal, eyelid surgery to get rid of some bumpy things, broken arm when i was like 1.5 years old, and im getting lasik next summer probably

52. Piercing: ya already asked ya doofus

53. Sport: my dad made me play basketball in middle school i got 2 technical fouls bc i had anger issues so i stopped playing basketball. i got Decent at ballet tho!

54. Vacation: we havent really had the money lately

55. Pair of trainers: i just bought 2 new pairs bc i ruined my only pair in seoul and had to throw them out (they got soaked in the rain and then mildewed n all) (side note: they’re so expensive?? the adidas and nike were as expensive as the new balance which is Silly so i just bought adidas and nike)

MORE GENERAL:

56. Eating: nothing rn but i need to go get dinner...

57. Drinking: did we not already go over this

58. I’m about to go: either to the dining hall or to a nearby restaurant im honestly not sure 

59. Waiting for: exo to move in next door to me only to discover that one of them is my childhood best friend-slash-first love and another has fallen in love with me and my clumsy but lovable personality :)

60. Want: byun baekhyun (im kidding kind of, um i want to make friends here and be less anxious about my classes and life in general)

61. Get married: yeah one day but so far no one i’ve met is Vibing with that seeing as no one will even ask me out im not Super Hopeful :/

62. Career: chinese major/korean minor at a university um hopefully after i graduate someone will hire me and give me money to do something i dont completely hate but we’ll see

WHICH IS BETTER:

63. Hugs or kisses: i literally would not know so i will say Hugs because they’re the only things ive experienced! and i could use a really long hug rn

64. Lips or eyes: ...eyes... but lips r important too cuz i cant even look at a photo of amy schumer anymore w/out staring at her terrifying lips

65. Shorter or taller: taller but someone around my height would be ok too (.....im just sayin im like the same height as bbh...)

66. Older or younger: older bc im not about to go dating a freshman or a high schooler lmfao

67. Nice arms or nice stomach: arrrrrrrrms

68. Hookup or relationship: never had either but i think i’d prefer a stable relationship to some extent?? we just dont know

69. Troublemaker or hesitant: im a troublemaker when im comfortable w/ people/places but other than that hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

70. Kissed a stranger: no

71. Drank hard liquor: yeah it’s nasty :/ but it does the trick

72. Lost glasses/contact lenses: somehow no

73. Turned someone down: ya this one guy hit on me when i was walking thru myeongdong but he was a) a stranger b) 25 years old c) from egypt so like it was never gonna happen buddy

74: Sex on the first date: gonna need a first date before i can even answer (the answer would be no i am not down w/ that) 

75. Broken someone’s heart: probably not, ill dont think im capable of doing that plus im still so young that realistically it just hasnt been a possibility

76. Had your heart broken: not really, my silly crushes have all been resolved easily bc i never talk about them and then i notice things i dont like about the person and stop liking them like that

77. Been arrested: no but a friend of mine got arrested for trespassing on a roof in nyc last year lmao

78: Cried when someone died: yeah

79. Fallen for a friend: sort of? briefly? it never went anywhere it was silly

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80. Yourself: i try to most days but it’s rough

81: Miracles: i mean im not a non-believer but i also don’t actively wait for them to happen or really put much stock in them

82. Love at first sight: im not sure because bbh hasnt seen me yet so how would we know??

83. Santa Claus: not anymore i think when i was 8 i sorta stopped

84. Kiss on the first date: never even had a first date or a first kiss ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

85. Angels: um yeah actually! proof they exist - byun baekhyun do kyungsoo kim jongdae kim jongin the list goes on,,

OTHER:

90. Current best friends: dallon, lilli, ida, stephanie, aria!

91: Eye color: light green. i have Gorgeous eyes!!!

92: Favorite movie: a taiwanese movie called Secret, i rly liked ksoo’s movie Hyung, Chicago the Musical... there are more but im drawing a blank

i guess ill tag... no one but if ur reading this and u wanna do it feel free to say i tagged u! i love learning about u guys it makes me feel less alone

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

part 2 poetic waxing

i keep getting really mad at my ex the second i realize i was thinking something thats not real

because to the best of my knowledge she read this blog and heard me talk about my expiriences for so long and then she,,,,completely misunderstood them and tried to replicate them in a way that doesnt. make sense. and isnt what this is. and im still hoenstly really offended by that because wow. and i just wanna say like. especially since this blog is pretty much entirely Unseen now

like

im still terrified to recognize myself as psychotic

i dont want to be psychotic

im afraid to talk about it with my doctor or even touch on the symptoms and eps of it and im terrified to get put on pills for it and its a shit show

i think with the people im closest to i try to normalize the idea of being that way with myself

and i pretend the idea of being psychotic doesnt terrify me and say it freely because its not going away and im scared and i need to learn to not be so scared if im going to deal with it in any capacity i need to be able to recognize it

it was a long process.

i didnt start being that way overnight and i didnt recognize it until way after it started

and its not just 1 thing

to me the embodiment of it and the whole problem is that youre just constantly trying to figure out whats real and whats going on like your being hit on all sides

id describe my perception of and ability to perceive reality as a wall thats always being eroded down but can also have parts break off or have holes blown in it at any second...and im constantly trying to build the wall back up and reinforce it and repair it. but i usually dont have a fully formed wall and even if i got there id only be able to maintain it for so long until half of it got blown up again. etc etc wall metaphor if i leave it itll just fuckin collapse entirely

but yeah yknow like.

a delusion isnt just ‘when you think something that isn’t real.’

and like not to dip a bit too much into tumblr vocab and context or whatever but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the way Neurotypicals take symptom descriptions at total face value is...tiring. idk how else to describe it. theres so much context missing.

these symptoms for me started up when i was a kid and got worse.

it was because i have so much family history with this shit that i finally noticed it and compared and recognized the beginning to get worse problem

because ive seen it in my brother and my uncle and my grandma and my family for years and i know it up close and personally

i dont just have some kind of kooky thoughts that i recognize arent real while im having them. my ability to do that at all came with practice and time and repitition.

i dont know when im not dreaming.i see and feel things that arent there.

i think thoughts that i cant recognize as mine and are usually a bunch of nonsense word salad shit.

i have real prolonged trouble recognizing myself as a human being thats physical and has human limits.

i have toruble percieving the present. i have trouble remembering the past.

i constantly really for real feel like ive seen this before.

every time i have deja vu i like have a whoel fuckign Moment lmao

i assume people think the worst of me and want to hurt me.

i assume the end of the world is happening out of nowhere and i really think its happening.

i think God is trying to punish me.

I think spirits are coming after me.

I really believe it.

I spend my day crying and panicking and hiding from shit that isnt real.

i convince myself my whole life is some kind of divine punishment.

its on top of that and

its after years of that

and years of seeing family members older than me and farther into it than me degrading at the same time

that i think some dumb shit and immediately catch myself

or that i think im getting psychic messages and can immediately be like ‘ok calm down’

its because im trying to convince myself im NOT like a psychic prophet and ive been able to recognize it before that i can see a message for what it is and recognize what im doing

its bc ive corroborated the expirience with my brother after doing it for years and years already

i didnt wake up one day and start thinking i was a prophet but also recognizing thats crazy yknow

i thought i was a prophet and then as i grew up i started realizing that it was crazy because i found resources and saw what my family was going through and got so sick of the worst parts and thought something had to be wrong with that picture

and even then the messages arent a delusion

having dejavu and being suspicious of it isnt a delusion

wishing something was true isnt a delusion

believing in gods and spirits and weird reincarnation stuff isnt a delusion

they’re parts of a whole and thats only a few of the parts

like an example of levels

really liking a celebrity isnt psychotic

wishing you were married isnt psychoticdaydreaming about being married to them isnt psychotic

imagining they’re talking to you or they’re addressing something in an interview to you isn’t psychotic, in and of itself (imagining the message but also kind of beliving it also isn’t )

actually beliving they’re addressing you in an interview or something isn’t a delusion, and though its like Psychotically-associated isnt An Automatic Sticker Of Psychosis slapped on your forehead

forgetting you aren’t acutally married sometimes isn’t a delusion.actually beliving you’re married to them is a delusion.

you won’t be able to recognize it as that until later.

the other behaviors, for you, since youre having a delusion, will come off of that.

someone non-delusional who really loved to dream about it might convince themselves into some magical thinking about the celebrity.

for you though, its because you’re married. you’re literally actually married so of course they’re leaving little hints for you! you never get to see each other!

you rationalize it.

because you believe it and having someone put a crack in things you believe in is scary for anyone.

i mean especially wow if someone told you were werent actually married to your spouse and didn’t even know them? they didn’t even know youre name or that you existed? that would be horrifying. of course youd come up with rationalizations.

and that delusion probably started because you really liked them and because you were lonely. but also because youve been having some issues and either are psychotic, were developing psychotic symptoms, or like Had The Propensity To Be Psychotic in general yknow like. the seeds were there or you were already living life as a psychotic tree and this was just a new branch.

after a while they might start to get it.

they might start poking holes in there own reasoning and being brave enough to follow that path.

and hopefully from there theyll get to the still-beleving-it-but-also-recognizing-its-’fake’ stage.

there are a lot of reasons i dont want to be psychotic.

no one should want to be.

anyone who says they want to be is either someone who’s a disgusting creep thinking other peoples crisises are some hot edgy mysterious shit OR theyre a psychotic person trying to humor themselves and be okay with themselves.

and you should be ok with yourself but that shouldnt replace wanting to improve and manage that really scary world-ending parts of shit.thats a whole other topic though

like

i dont want to be psychotic because im terrified of slowly loosing my mind. thats a freaky prospect that no one should really want. i only want that when im suicidal and wish i just didnt have a mind to think with at all kind of shit.

i dont want to be psychotic because i dont want to keep having these episodes and seeing this shit and thinking this shit. a lot of it is absolutely terrifying. other things are less active but like...i wish i could trust anyone ever. i wish i could trust my own judgement. i wish i didn’t get obsessive and weird about contamination and not be able to eat food or need to contain myself from freaking out if certain people touch me. that shit isnt cowering from God under a desk but its annoying and i don’t want to be doing it. i wish i could stop doing it.

i don’t want to be psychotic because once youve had it confirmed that you believe things that arent real that makes it just that much harder to trust literally anything you think.i have to check everything with people because what if im wrong or assuming or jsut being crazy or i thought something up that isnt true.and we all seem to have an amazing knack for like doign that whenever we were actually with reality, and forgetting to do it when we do actually have something a little confused lol. maybe thats subconscious.

i dont wanna be psychotic because i want some things to be true!! you know!! and learnign they arent is, again, confusing and really scary. no matter what it is. but if its something that you like or that brings you some kinda positive shit then thats even worse to have taken away and have be a lie. and even worse a Crazy Lie.

i don’t know how much of my religious views to trust and thinking that anything i believe in or think is up for questioning brings up a whole lot of good things that i dont want to be up for questioning.part of the reason im scared to go on meds is because im really worried some good things will turn out fake and go away.

im worried about what all could just like...dissappear. what if the whole world changed. what if im wrong about more than i thought or something that id never even considered.

like.....im out of steam now but.

yeah. idk