#cant believe i frew up :-( smh rookie move

[areolae]

I feel very grateful that my friends don’t pressure me to date or actively be on all the vapid apps or expect me to hook up with someone every time I go out lol like they are actually so sweet especially my best friend who is so supportive of my hobbies as they become more well rounded and doesn’t push me at all in any direction. I don’t feel so clumsy when I talk these days and I actually have more than one or two interests/hobbies to talk about when I’m talking to someone new and it’s so great to allow myself to unfold without any pressures from my friends or even any invisible pressure that I usually place on myself. I love when new people invite me in to learn about them. That’s so nourishing to me. I don’t want to hear about the psyche of a person I just met an hour ago but I love learning delicate little nuggets of information that are unique to each person. Putting pressure on each interaction with someone new might cause me to miss out on the small details that makes a person, you know, a *person* and not reducing them down to a prospect or a potential fling and all of those kinds of things. And I’m just so grateful the first questions I get asked after my excursions aren’t “did you meet anyone? Did you hook up with anyone? Are you and so and so still texting?” It’s more like them being curious about my happiness and my identity which is honestly mind-blowing to me because they are pretty standard straight girls lol bless their hearts. But I feel very grateful for them. I was worried ~finding myself~ or whatever would be very pressured and would cause me to drift away from the people I love now, as if I have to shed everything to be reborn but you really don’t have to shed anything for it to become completely new, I just had to change my own perspectives and make sure people weren’t misinterpreting my current goals or assigning their own narratives to how I should be acting and what I should be doing. My group chat has become such a fun and supportive little place to be lol and watching the way I communicate with them soften and become more gentle instead of me kind of just being like “ughhhhh these are people I’ve known since high school ugh ugh ugh sooo lame” has been nice. I have a nice balance with my pals from my hometown and now have built (am still building) a nice little community around me for when I’m in the city! I’m amazed when people ask me questions and want to get to know me lol. Even basic questions like asking about my day blows my mind but I’m trying to get used to the fact that people actually do want to talk and ask me questions and strike up conversation with me! I’ve never really felt so seen and heard. I’m amazed I’ve typed all of this. I’m really nauseous today because I didn’t eat a single thing yesterday and then went out and drank and I’ve been p***ing all day which hasn’t happened in years so I feel like a rookie but I’m still finding graciousness or whatever lol. I went to write in my journal but my hands (and body) are so weak and depleted not even bc of the drinking but because I haven’t eaten and still can’t eat a single thing and can barely keep down water lol! Living alone is scary sometimes I was convinced I was going to faint in my bathroom just an hour ago and bang my head or something lmao. Anyway what a pivot from what I was just saying. This dumbass website is my journal. I love my friends old and new and I appreciate not feeling pressured to do anything or occupy space where I don’t feel ready to yet. Easyyyyy does it that’s what I say….