#can't wait to get back to actually writing longer posts and hopefully continuing with that Creel Wheeler summary doc soon!

[bugsbenefit]

Hihi this is random lol but i really loved your posts ab alice creel & wanted to let you know!! I was wondering if there are any stranger things theories you’re rlly excited ab rn/that are occupying excessive amounts of brainspace/ that will probably own permanent real estate in your mind?

(Couldn’t be me a/b alice creel & karen wheeler since reading your post—)

hnngndfhgsk thanks for letting me know that's so sweet oh wow!!! ohhh i love corrupting people's thoughts with theories and observations yesss lets all be insane about this together 🤝

and okay brainspace:

i'm kinda busy with family until christmas is over so i'm being held back from being fully insane and really writing out anything super long until then. but i Am currently rewatching s3 casually when i have a bit of free time so i'm occasionally thinking Thoughts about that rn

but in general general, okay listen, the Wheeler Creel thing is messing me up so much too (if you couldn't tell by the super long post lmao). something is so so wrong with both of these families and it's really fun to look at them, both individually, and also just the weird parallels they have going - probably the thing i have most fun doing here currently, permanent tenant in my brain is accurate yeah

i tend to usually be really open to theories, like having multiple theories for one situation, not settling on one definite thing, considering theories that contradict each other etc. so i like looking at theories objectively without being super invested into wanting them to be true, which was why i even considered the Karen/Alice theory in the first place. i was curious and wanted to know what it was about and thought it was a crack theory. i was NOT prepared for there to be any room to potentially consider it a possibility help

i actually have a massive word document about it in the writing stage that's a full summary of the theory, with the cons against it, the pros supporting it, and narrative themes. the big Alice post is essentially a small chapter of it just focusing on Alice Creel. but then there's also parts about just Karen, the Wheelers, the Creels, parallels, weird things in the show and odd dialogue that coincides with it, and then the big "why do people think those two characters could be the same person" thing. + ofc also what could contradict it or what usually drives people off the theory since i like neutrally considering theories from all angles - really a general overview of why the theory could have some merit, and that doc is Long which really says something about how wild the theory is tbh

or maybe s5 will not take the literal approach of making the families have an actual relation and will parallel the Wheelers and Creels for thematic purposes only. which is a possibility that i also briefly go into in the doc

there's just so much to consider. i really hope to get around to actually finishing that giant write up of the theory, just to have a collective place where the full theory is laid out and listed. because i've really only seen people talk about individual aspects of it before in posts. I'll hopefully have some time for that again after christmas, but i'm sure i'll post more small individual segments of it before i finish the whole thing at some point because i have no idea when i'll actually get around to that

all in all, the Wheelers and Creels are probably the thing i'm most interested in right now. i don't personally have an investment in wanting Alice and Karen to be the same person (even though there are some weird nudges made to it that could support it, that are, eyebrow raising to say the least) but just the general relationship and Weird parallels in the story are 🤌 to me

okay and aside from the incoherent insane tangent i went on right here, i was prompted and had thought vomit my bad, i'm also SO invested in the general structure of s5. especially mechanics like the time jump and how they could set that up/work with it, without having to essentially start over and catch up with the characters AGAIN two episodes in (when the time jump should happen) are so interesting to me. they'll really have to come up with something to justify that time skip and i love all theories surrounding it tbh. we could get another short confrontation with Henry pre time skip, we could also just get an apocalyptic Hawkins and it takes years before everyone gears up for a final confrontation, there's kidnapping or hostage theories too which are cool and i also made a post about before. and then a bunch more i've seen float around here. i think i'm just in general looking forward to seeing how they'll incorporate the timeskip!

of course the consequences of the gates opening are hhhh too. the Duffers talking about how s5 will be "post apocalyptic" is making me bite and chew and bite and. it's such a cool concept for them to explore and since we know so little of what the gates opening actually entails the possibilities to speculate and theorize are endless in that regard as of now

oh! and Will and his role in the story also have their own room in my brain. theories about what his powers could actually be make me go insane tbh (the powers thing itself is also wild to talk about with the massive foreshadowing there is and us Still not knowing how most powers actually work or even what happened to Will in the UD in 1983). there's just so many options with what directions they could take him in and all of them would drastically change and impact the story. just! yeah i need to talk about that more honestly!

[ahgasegotarmy116]

Seven Days to Fall Again | Thursday | Jeon Jungkook

Inspired by the MV "Seven" by Jung Kook ft. Latto (obvi lol) Summary: Flowers for my love. Jungkook is trying absolutely everything he can to get you back. No matter how ridiculous it might seem. Pairing: Reader x Jungkook (almost exes to lovers lol) Word Count: 3.2k (longer one this time lol) a/n: So I haven't posted anything for this series in almost a month so I'm really really sorry for that. I have so many other series going at this point that it's taken me a second to come back around and write for this one again. This one is a little bit longer to hopefully make up for it. Let me know what you think! p.s. Pretty much wrote all of this is one night so I hope it's not complete crap but I thought it was cute hehe Start from the beginning

Jungkook's visit yesterday threw me for a loop to say the least. 

I've tried to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't get to me but no matter how many pep talks I give myself or how many times I've tried to scold myself instead, nothing works. 

I miss him, and I hate myself because of that. 

I've been able to go through my morning and most of my afternoon with radio silence from him which has been incredible for my stress levels but I can't help but feel his absence more and more as time goes by.

He was hardly ever around for the last few months of our relationship so I don't know why his presence; which I had specifically chose not to have around now almost feels more painful. 

"Maybe I just need a walk" I say out loud "Yeah a walk and some fresh air should clear everything up" I continue, trying to lie to myself in thinking that some sunshine might actually fix this. 

Walking out of my apartment and heading straight to the subway I make a decision to go to a little cafe that I used to go to with my classmates. It's been a while since I've been there and their strawberry crepes were to die for from what I remember so I think it's time I treated myself to something nice.

~~~~~~~

Leaving the station I notice a big crowd starting to  gather around and I get a glimpse of what they're all staring at, seeing that it's some guy getting picked up off the ground and rolled out on a gurney. 

Taking a closer look, believing that I somehow know them, I feel the need to make sure they're okay but I'm stopped by the police tape they've put up. 

Once the guy's head turns towards me my eyes widen in horror seeing that it's Jungkook. "Wait! Wait! Jungkook! Wait that's my boyfriend!" I say and duck under the yellow tape not bothering to worry about the repercussions. 

When he hears my voice and opens his eyes and I see them quickly change from seeming like he had been on the edge of life and death into his big doe ones, sending me a bright smile, showing zero sighs of distress anymore and leaves me stopping in my tracks.

"CUT" I hear someone shout in the distance. "Who is this girl and why is she on my set?" the same voice say as they gradually get closer. 

"No one" I say, crossing my arms over my chest and see Jungkook give me an awkward smile in response. I scoff and don't bother listening to no doubt the director trying to speak to me and from the small bits I catch onto it sounds almost as if he wanted me to complete the scene. 

"Not interested" I mumble and walk off, ignoring their efforts to keep me there. "Baby wait!" I hear Jungkook say as he struggles to get the belt they had fastened off of him. 

I don't even bother responding and continue to make my way down the street to the cafe, praying that he won't follow me but it seems as though the universe is laughing at me because despite the growing crowd around us he still is able to keep his eyes on me. 

"Y/n wait! Please!" he yells, making sure that there's no way possible that I couldn't hear him but I choose to ignore him nonetheless. "Please Noona wait!" he continues, using a word that he knows will get a reaction out of me and my steps stutter for a second but I regain my balance seamlessly and pick up the pace seconds after. 

"Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me, thank you" I hear him say, continuing to use that loud voice letting me know that he's still on my tail but as soon as I get to a crosswalk I start to walk a bit faster, hoping to cut him off and lose him when he hopefully gets stuck waiting for the next light and luckily this time it works. 

I take a quick glance behind me to check and see him standing there catching my gaze and turning to a flower vender beside him and buying a bouquet of sunflowers, my favorite flowers during this time of year and I know he didn't just get them randomly because no matter how much I think he doesn't pay attention or care about our relationship I know he makes sure he knows the little things about me.

And that's one of the things that makes me want to take him back. 

"Y/n wait! Please" he yells and I turn around just in time to see him decide to take a risk and cross the street without waiting for the light and seconds later I hear the sound of tires screeching on the pavement and see Jungkook duck out of view. 

"Jungkook" I whisper, stopping dead in my tracks, my body totally frozen at the thought that he might've gotten hit. 

Moments later though I see the sunflowers resurface above the crowd and his head soon after that and I watch the exchange between him and the driver and then soon see him turning back to me and abandoning the conversation to start running after me again. 

"Wait!" he says and I turn on my heel to keep going, hating the fact that I've already lost the distance I had gained between us. 

I duck into a random shop in hopes that he'll somehow lose sight of me and walk right past it, losing me and hopefully letting me resume my intended relaxing day to myself. I'll just stop by the bakery instead and make my way home so I can head in the opposite way of what he probably had expected me to be going in. 

As I hear the shopkeeper welcome me I quickly return their greeting and hide behind one of their shelves, picking up a random book and holding it up to my face. Making sure it's open and covering me just enough for him not to notice, but also giving me enough visual to see him pass by and continue his search in the opposite way, just as I had planned. 

I watch as he walks past the store, frantically turning his head in all directions to see if he could finally catch sight of me again and to my delight he continues on the path he had seen me on a few minutes before. 

I let out a deep breath at the sight and put the book down, finally gaining some of that peace of mind. 

"Were you looking for anything specific dear?" the older shopkeeper asks. "No not really, I was just trying to lose my tail" I say pointing towards the window. "My ex boyfriend has been trying to get me back and he won't stop trying to talk to me so we can 'Talk things out' or whatever" I say, letting out a huge sigh, happy to get a chance to talk to someone at least a little bit. 

"Well have you given him a chance to say his piece yet?" she questions, leaving me shocked, expecting her to side with me. "Well...no, but we've gone through these sorts of problems before and I just don't want him to say something that will convince me to give him another chance again" I say, walking towards her and leaning on a shelf nearby. 

She takes a second to think before responding and says something that I was hoping she wouldn't. "You need to give him a chance to at least say something. Everyone deserves closure don't you think?" she says with a soft smile, hoping to get through to me. "Unless he's violent or something of that sort. Then he can go fuck himself" she says with a grin, already knowing that's not the case. 

I open and close my mouth a bit, not really knowing how to respond and she laughs at my reaction, loving how much she's caught me off guard. "He was the young man that just passed by with those sunflowers wasn't he?" she says with a knowing smile. "How did you-" I start out but she cuts me off with another laugh. 

"That boy had the most adorable panicked look, searching here and there as if he had lost his owner. He's quite handsome if you ask me" she say winking at me and making me blush a bit at her straightforward nature. "Give him a chance love. And if you let him go, then you let him go. Trust me, you don't want to deal with the what ifs if he stops trying" she says giving me a soft smile. 

I know she's right and I know I should at least hear him out but at this point I think it's something I've gotta work my way up to. His all or nothing attitude right now is just too much for me. 

"You're right. I'll take some time and when I'm ready I'll sit down with him to talk it all out. Thank you. Oh I'm sorry I should probably get out of your hair. Uh" I stammer at the end, feeling guilty for taking up so much of her time. 

"Um here, can I buy this?" I ask, placing a little bear with a lavender flower embroidered on it's collar on the counter, grabbing the first thing I laid eyes on. It can't be more than four inches tall with it's cute round belly and a little sun hat on it with the ears sticking through it. 

"Keep it" she say, not even bothering to offer room for discussion as she walks away from the counter. "It's full of lavender petals so keep it close and the smell will help calm you down whenever you need it. You might even want to hold it close when you're talking to that boyfriend of yours" she says with a wink and walks to the back of the store, disappearing behind a shelf, leaving me alone with my thoughts. 

I pull out my wallet and put a five dollar bill in the tip jar and take a second glance at the bear and hold it up close to my face, breathing in it's sweet and slightly musky fragrance. I smile down at it's cute little face and put it in my purse. 'I've never been in this bookstore before' I think to myself, now finally taking a second to check out the rest of the interior beyond the immediate storefront. 

I make it a note to come back here one day and return her kindness by bringing something for her to repay her not only for the bear but also for her hospitality and advice.

I take one last glance around and turn to make my way out. 

"You certainly took your time in there" I hear a familiar voice say beside me, leaving me holding my breath for a second at the scare. "Jungkook" I say placing my hand over my chest before using that same hand seconds later to wack his arm making him drop the flowers he had started to hold out for me to take. 

"Hey! What was that for?" he whines, rubbing his arm for a few seconds and picking them back up. "That's for not only scaring me just now, but also scarring me earlier today with that stupid ambulance nonsense" I say throwing my arm out towards what I now know as being a stupid movie set and when I turn back to face him all I can see is a big grin on his face. 

"Why are you smiling at me like that?" I question crossing my arms over my chest. "You know you called me your boyfriend back there right?" he says, his smile growing even wider. I scoff at the memory and don't even dignify his words with a response, turning and making my way back to the bakery just as I had intended as my plan B.

"Wait Noona please" he says and places a light grip on my arm. "What?" I spit out, turning to face him again, a look of displeasure on my face which somehow makes him smile even wider. "Can I at least walk you home?" he asks, poised in anticipation. 

Now that the shop keeper had equated him to a dog I can't help but notice how much he's been giving off golden retriever energy these past few days. Excited and begging for my attention no matter what I say.

"I'm not going home" I say pulling my arm out of his grasp but he grabs onto my hand this time instead, making me stop again, knowing that as much as I want to, I'm probably not going to get my way this time. "Can I walk you to wherever you're going then?" he questions, now completing the look with his puppy dog eyes that pull on my heartstrings every time.

"Fine" I say and he happily catches up to me after deciding to hand the flowers off to some guy and his girlfriend, knowing for a fact that I won't take them. For a second I don't even realize that he had decided to hold my hand again until he sways them back and forth a bit making me rip mine out of his grasp and opting to cross my arms over my chest instead, leaving it hard for him to try to grab onto me again. 

~~~~~~

Walking up to the bakery a few minutes later I stop and face him for a second hoping to shoo him away. "Okay, you can leave now" I say and take a few steps but I still feel his presence close behind me. "Why are you following me?" I ask turning around again, not amused at the fact that he's not listening to me. 

"Who said I was following you? I wanted to get something from here too! You know I like the chocolate donuts here, remember?" he says giving me a soft smile. "Fine" I mumble and reach for the door handle but before I can his hand reaches for it and opens it for me. I spare him a glare and he sends me a sweet bunny smile in return making me roll my eyes in response. 

I walk in and when he tries to do the same he notices a group of older woman making their way out and he waits to hold it open for them as well and I can't help but roll my eyes again, watching him continue to play the sweet loving gentlemen. They smile and thank him a few times in return which he responds with a smile and once they're finally out he heads inside intending to stand next to me in line but is cut off by a few people between us leaving me smiling in victory but it doesn't last long. 

"Excuse me sorry do you mind? I'm with her" he says pointing towards me leaving me widening my gaze and turning around but not fast enough for the others to notice if he's lying or not. "Yeah, sure" one of the guys says and they step aside and let him walk up to me but in the process of squeezing through he stumbles and falls into me a little bit, leaving him latching onto me, pressing me up against the wall I had been leaning against. 

"S-sorry Noona" he apologizes, ears turning red clearly embarrassed at our current position. "It's fine" I grumble and push him off of me, creating some much needed space and walking up to the counter where they're waiting for the next customer. 

"Hi can I get a raspberry donut and a ham and cheese croissant? Thanks" I say and the worker looks over at Jungkook as he is standing next to me and waits for his order. "Oh we're not, we're not together" I say tripping over my words, this being the first time I've said that in front of someone while he's standing right next to me. 

The worker looks between us and draws what I can assume is a line under my order that she's written down and then asks for Jungkook's which he orders just what he had said before, a chocolate donut. 

"Thank you" he says warmly and the worker looks between the two of us, not believing my words from before but smiles almost amused by our situation and tells us our orders will be right out before handing the paper over to the cashier where she gives me my total. 

Before I'm even able to reach for my card though I see Jungkook place his phone on the card reader to pay. 

"Hey!" I say in protest while Jungkook tells her to ring him up again for his donut as well. I decide it's useless arguing with him in public and walk off to the side to wait for our food. "I can pay for my own food" I grumble as he walks up to me. "I know, but I wanted to" he says simply and we wait in silence until they hand us our bags. 

"So where are you going now?" he asks, holding the door open for me again and jogging after me, having to hold the door for the next person again. "Home" I say and make my way to the subway entrance. "Can I walk you home?" he asks, already knowing the answer but trying anyway. 

"No Jungkook. You can't. You asked if you could walk me to wherever I was going next but that isn't an invitation to follow me around for the rest of the day. Just leave me alone." I say, the last part not as confident as the rest. "I just want to make sure you get back safely" he offers and at that my blood starts boiling. 

"I'm more that capable of taking care of myself! I don't need you to babysit me because last time I checked I was the one that was older than you" spit out at him, pressing a finger on his chest. Getting more and more irritated with every breath and watch as his eyes get wide, surprised by my sudden hostile nature. 

"I'm s-sorry I didn't think tha-" "And that's exactly what your problem is. You don't think about what I want or even what I don't want. Now will you please leave me alone? I don't want to deal with this today and I don't want you to follow me" I say, punctuating my words so it'll get through his thick skull. 

He opens his mouth to respond but I cut him off again before he makes me even more upset. "Don't" I say and walk away, throwing my food away in the nearest trashcan and descend down the step into the subway station, hoping and praying he doesn't follow me. 

This time around though the universe smiles down at me, granting my wishes but leaves behind a broken and beaten down Jungkook, truly trying to figure out how everything went so wrong. 

Wednesday / Friday Series Masterlist

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[miraiq]

Semi-Hiatus/Sporadic Activity Notice

I'm sure this isn't a surprise, as I haven't written anything aside from a total of 4 sentences in well over a month---- but... yeah.

I've been fighting with myself for over a week to make this post and make it official.. cause doing so felt like admitting defeat.. or giving up, and it's not a nice feeling. But considering I have not written in that long just felt like I needed to at this point to at least make those who are waiting on me aware of my lack of response(s), and aren't just... politely awaiting a reply.

I do have it placed in my rules that I am very slow (at times), so hopefully this isn't a deal breaker-- but if I is, I understand and no hard feelings if you are no longer wanting to be mutuals/write with me. If not the case, I thank you all for your patience with me. Things are still in drafts, and several have a few sentences started, but I cannot get my brain to co-operate with me. I know where I want to take a thread but trying to actually put the thoughts into words and then actually write it out is just.. a bit much.

I won't go into details here, but I will provide the specifics in private if curious. My health has been on a drastic decline since the end of November and it's gotten to the point that I can barely operate on a day to day basis-- and what little energy and brain power I do have I have to save for college classes and my frequent doctor appointments. I've gone through 5 different medications since, and nothing has been helping, or has even made it worse-- and so I cannot say when I will be back to my usual frequency of activity.. Just, whenever my doctors can finally figure out what to do I guess- but at this rate, who knows how long that will be.

I am absolutely still willing to just goof off in private messages about muses and ideas, but I just can't put out anything of substance or any actual threads at the moment. And- I will still be on lurking, so seeing me in your activity feed just liking your posts will continue.

I can still send in prompts at least to make an attempt at building bonds between muses. If it is okay to do so, or encouraged/desired, please send me a message or leave a note on this post. However, doing so is acknowledging that you are not expecting me to reply to any prompt I send it, and that I am aware that I do not need to expand on any.

I can also add anyone on Discord to do silly back and forth idea swapping if easier than here on the good ol' Tungle. Though I reiterate, I will not be able to do anything serious in regards to writing. I've also wanted to put out a shipping call but I don't feel like that would be fair to others if I'm not going to be very present in terms of.. you know, full on threading and fleshing things out. But I can still toss headcanons and other ideas in terms of ships around.

So uh........ yeah. That's the update from ya buddy prince and my lack of existing.

[thatslayer]

Not a hiatus, but...

So, I'm still too stubborn to go on hiatus even though my entire life is screaming at me to do so. Because of a heavy work schedule and some family stuff, I just won't be here much and when I am I'm usually exhausted and my brain won't cooperate enough to write anything worth reading or responding to. Add to all that dealing with people in real life (no one on tumblr) who are needy and want all my free time and can't take a hint, and I'm running on fumes.

So, here's the sitch. I'm going to be VERY selective for a while with what I write. Any threads that seem stagnant ( meaning the muses talk and talk and talk but nothing actually happens ) or threads that lack even a basic, bare-bones plot will be indefinitely drafted for the time being. I'm not dropping things, I love you all and I want ALL our stuff, but I'm a plot-oriented writer and with the small amount of time I have, I want to focus on threads with a more established storyline just for the sake of time issues.

I'm going to try to revert back to running a queue, which might end up running 1-2 posts + an edit or musing per day if I can swing it, that way at least I'm less likely to be overwhelmed when I do get the chance to log on. Even though multi-paras are my preference, if the replies are on the longer side, it'll probably be a single reply a day just because I really don't have time right now to do a lot of long replies and beta editor is NOT helping. I might also continually cut the word count so I can reply on my phone. Hopefully, that'll change once I'm fully moved to my new place and can stop worrying so much about money and trying to scramble away from my horrible family.

I only have a very limited amount of time on Sundays, because everything I can't do during the week because of work has got to be done on Sunday, but I'll try to be here on and off on those days. I won't be responding to discord or IMs unless we're actively plotting or very close buds, because chatting on disco takes up my writing time.

Sorry guys! I know I've been horrid at being present and I'm even more sorry that it's just going to be that way for a while as I wait for my life to finally settle down! I truly adore my writing partners, and everyone on my dash, and I hope this is just a TTFN and not anything permanent. I'll still be around, just very, very slow!

[necromancers-incorporated]

Fic Writing Update!

As you may well know, I write fics and have been away for ages, so I thought you deserve a little update on where current and future works are currently. They will all be posted on Ao3 under the name Chaotic_god123 if you want to find them. Here is the complete list of fics, both present and future!

If We Had Me Before

Still being updated, not abandoned. I know where it's going and what will be happening when, all I need to do is sit down and actually write the damn thing. I'll probably go back and edit slowly after it is published entirely, third chapter is almost done and will hopefully be up soon and the rest will follow shortly after.

Steve Rogers as Percy Jackson Au - Series

The third part of this series is currently in the works and pretty close to be being done, hopefully it'll be up by the end of November, but it will be done at the latest before Christmas, I can assure you of that. This was a request sent in and I love all the ways I can take it, certainly gives way to a lot of creative freedom and expression. Can't wait for this part to be up, I'm really liking how it is so far.

Perhaps

Don't know if I will actually continue this, if I do it will be on the back burner as other fics take precedent over it at this time. Hope is not completely lost, but it's pretty hard to see at this point.

In The Name of War

Part one is all up and done with, and part two is currently under way. This took me so long to write and edit, and I'm assuming that part two will aswell, especially since its going to be a lot more complex and twisty and that the first. It will be picked up at irregular intervals with updates probably going to be few and far between, but it is being worked on in the background.

Unnamed Inheritance Cycle Fic

Super excited about this one, I haven't quite got a name down for it yet but there are ideas floating about. The actual hard writing for this is yet to be laid out, but I'm stringing ideas together slowly but surely. As this was a request as well it may also take longer as I want to make sure the person who requested it is fully satisfied with the work. Given it is a full fic rather than a one shot like I normally do, it will take some time for the full thing to come out and is also currently on the back burner, apologies for that aswell. Not abandoned, just resting for now.

Requests!

I said a while ago that my writing and general posting on here was going to be put on hold until about late spring/early summer of 2023 due to all my exams being this year. I didn't think I'd have time to work on other requests but now that I have a much better system in place I am happy to announce that requests are now back open!! Please understand though, that I am still having to revise and sort out placements for next year and finding a job soon so that I can support myself. I take both one shots and full fic requests, but full fics will take much longer to get done. For a full list of fandoms look at my pinned post on this account or just shoot me a message on here. You could also just reply to this post, I don't mind.

Non fic

Just as a heads up, I'm also working on an actual book series at the moment which is taking up a bit of my time. It's one I do hope to publish one day and I am super excited about it.

Thank you all for your patience and sticking around through this. I love writing and I'm a bit sad that it got interrupted because of exams. Send me a message about any of this stuff and I'll get back to you as quick as I possibly can.

[amoc94]

Not that I'm rude but I think it's now more than two weeks for the Polar Night, I'm worried, I hope you're doing alright. And I'll also wait for Addicted. No Jimin fanfic had got my attention before, really. Though I can't name all of your fics, but I love them all! I completed it all, and I'll wait patiently (that's what I learned from the two fics I've mentioned 🤭), good things will come to those who waits🕯️ And do know that you're my most precious author. Actually there's two of you that kept me coming back to Tumblr, two of you that I cherished, but it's been a while since she updated, the name's @darkestcorners .But regards, please tell me about your well being.

—☁️

Hi again, ...😁

You're really made my day amidst the piled up work and exhaustion. 🥺

I'm doing okay. It's Hari Raya here (Eid Al Fitr) , which the season of going back home to the village for household helpers. It's a longtime tradition, and I have no helper for almost two weeks now. I have to juggle between my job, and still doing chores when I'm home, it's quite exhausting. (Definitely could use some good massage for my sore muscles!😮‍💨)

Polar Night has just a little progress, I'm on 6K from 10K, slow writing. And total wordcount might be longer than I expected.

After Tae's done I'll continue with Jimin's.

Hopefully I can get back on track once my helper is back.

Thank you for not only reading and going back, but for engaging with me!

Despite the 1000 followers, I had little interaction here. In Wattpad, readers often leave comments which I always look forward to.

Thank you and I love you, take care always🥰😘

Btw, that author also one of the few that I regularly check just in case she post new story.

[neonnoir-ao3]

Some Words of Comfort.

Recently, I’ve seen a lot of people (especially those who have read spoilers/are actively searching for leaked content) lament about their future reactions to the deaths of our beloved characters in-game.

We all knew this was inevitable, and that them living was not an option for the plot of the game, but the time has finally come to face it head-on.

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I understand that someone outside this community might be like “it’s just a game”, but I know it’s way more than that to many: the concept of a female villain that, to many, can be seen as sympathizable and even endearing, is a bit of a new concept— especially on such a large scale as this instance.

In addition, Lady Dimitrescu and her daughters have become a bit of a comfort item for some (with an emphasis on sapphics/wlw, from what I’ve seen personally) in the form of a large, protective, and caring hypothetical partner, or even just a maternal character one can appreciate simply because of her love for her children. Regardless, most of us are here due to some desire for comfort.

Take my own story with this community, for example:

(tws for death, covid, suicide, and general medical emergencies)

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Frankly, 2020 and the beginning of 2021 have ruined me. I lost two men who were the only two positive father figures I’ve ever had. The last of the two tested positive for covid and deteriorated within days, to the point where less than a week after testing positive, my family was making the choice to pull the plug. This all occurred days before Christmas and my birthday. On the first day of the spring semester, having not had the time to properly mourn my grandfather, my mother is in the ER for multiple days with an internal infection that doctors said likely would have turned septic if she had waited to come in any longer. This led to three surgeries throughout the next few months. (Oh, and one of my relatives quite literally dropped dead on that first day of class, too). I am also estranged from one of my parents, and they have been trying to contact my family: they have multiple untreated mental illnesses (severe NPD, bipolar, and more) and they are extremely aggressive in that state of mind and they are agitated extremely easily. That only brings more stress, along with resurfacing trauma and related emotions. Every moment of every day has been a struggle. So much so that I failed half of my classes voluntarily simply because I couldn't do them anymore.

To be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t expect to be here right now. I expected that the pain of simply moving forward would have finally overridden my fears of death and that I would have already ended my suffering by now.

Then, in late January, I saw something trending on Twitter. About a new female villain in an upcoming horror game. And it went from there.

As cheesy as it sounds, this fandom and its content seriously saved my life. In the darkest of days, I’ve come to this tag for comfort. The oddest way I found said comfort was through those who were attracted to Alcina aesthetically. I have extremely long-term trauma related to being bullied and being the victim of a hybrid catfishing/'Oreo Game' on early social media by peers in middle school to the point where I do not think of myself as being able to be loved, let alone being worthy of it. Finding this community not only provided a great form of escapism (and opened a door into a fantasy world where I could imagine my own person vampire milf gf), but also gained a little bit of self-esteem (as many of you know, I share a lot of visual qualities with Alcina. -yes, I'm still kinda freaked out about it-) via seeing people where features/attributes like mine were actively praised and desired rather than insulted and pushed away like they have been until now.

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(okay sorry that kinda turned into a trauma dump but I needed to emphasize the fact that this community has seriously helped me during a really dark point in my life, and I know I can't be the only one with that sort of experience)

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What I’m trying to get across here is that, like many others, this community and its content have been comforting and therapeutic, and it really is more than just a game to us. It’s entertaining and even a form of escapism in these extremely trying times. We all have some degree of PTSD from surviving a literal mass plague— and this is something we're using as a method of coping. a distraction. a coping mechanism.

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With that being said, here are some ways to hopefully assist in lessening the emotional stress:

(please note that I am not a mental health professional and these may not be healthy coping mechanisms for everyone.)

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Understand that it’s just a game.

I know, this sounds completely counterintuitive, but it’s more or less about keeping your level of immersion down. Personally, I can’t do scary shit in general: I have to listen to music on low volume while watching dark ARG vids at night or when I’m alone because I get too into it, and then my paranoia kicks in. Sometimes just pausing for a moment and grounding yourself/reminding yourself that this is a video game: a jumble of code and 3D rendering that doesn’t have to affect your views/headcanons if you don’t want it to. Did your favorite character just get slaughtered? Nope, that 3D rendering of them just got un-alived, that’s all.

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Ignorance is Bliss/We are the Captain Now

Simple: Capcom can’t even pronounce Dimitrescu right, or even acknowledge the way it’s correctly said in Romanian culture itself. How can you trust them to give you a perfect canon? That’s the thing: with that logic, you can’t. What they say is true means little (if anything, for that matter) to your headcanons and preexisting ideas of the Dimitrescus. In short: fuck ‘em.

I’m currently seeking a double major in pop culture, and one of the cool things I’ve learned so far is affirmational vs transformational fandom. Affirmational is where official canon is seen as the law of the land, and followed to a T. Transformational is seen as much more inviting for audiences, allowing them to bend canon as they wish to fit their own creations. This fandom is obviously transformational, so take that game canon, rip it up, and get back to whatever you were doing.

Capcom’s canon is not the end-all, be-all. Far from it, actually.

Want to still acknowledge canon? Godmod your way out of it.

Character A died? It’d be a shame if they emerged from the rubble they 'died in' a few hours later, very beaten but alive nonetheless... how awful would it be if they sulked away, nursed their wounds, and continued to live... (/s)

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Ignore it completely.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there w be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the in any way. Stay with the version in your head that makes you happy.

Get Creative!

If you're into creating fanart, writing fics, or even just posting a list of headcanons, take some advice from the late Carrie Fisher: "Take your broken heart, and make it into art". Make the fluff oneshot of your dreams! Draw the fanart you've been wanting to! dump lighthearted headcanons into the tags! Not only will it cheer you up, but sharing it with the community will spread the love!

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I know a lot of people are struggling with this emotionally (especially with the pandemic making entertainment like this even more important sources of escapism and coping mechanisms) and I hope that, at the very least, I was able to help comfort one person who reads this.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there will be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the flowers that bloom after major wildfires: after a period of loss, some beautiful can still come of it.

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💙

[melkstudio]

Hello everyone! I'm writing this on my phone because my laptop fell and I'm waiting for the technician to bring it back to life.

Needless to say, it has been a long, busy and stressful month. And I'm going to be honest with you all, because I try no to mention these things but they have been in my mind for a while and I need to talk about it.

It's going to be a long post so if you're not interested in reading, the summary is: I've been stressed, underpaid and overworked so I didn't write anything. Patreon will get no updates this month (they weren't billed this month), but if you are feeling generous you can send me a donation through ko-fi, I would greatly appreciate it because oof, my boss thinks I feed on air✨ don't feel obligated to, of course. I know there are many going through the same or worse things than me, hopefully it gets better for the both of us.

Also, happy holidays to those that celebrate them and thank you for 500+ followers. May next year be better than this one!

First off, 2018 was one of the worst years of my life. The mental strain I had to endure because of my financial situation has changed the way I see and use money forever. It doesn't help that I live in Venezuela and the inflation makes everything ten times worse. So, of course, every money related issue in my life makes me extremely anxious.

When I started getting money on patreon I was really happy. I felt like things were looking up, that I could now help at least a little bit and it eased my worries a tad. And though I was worried and disappointed at my capacity to generate growth there, finding a job made me feel hopeful again.

But this job is a nightmare. I wrote more than 20k this month. I barely slept, I am exhausted. And I didn't even get a holiday bonus, I got paid 40$, that's it. I want to quit, but whenever I try to look for jobs they ask for stable internet connection or more experience than I have. And the stress is wearing me out.

Progress for the game was almost non existent, I couldn't even manage to get an update out for patrons and I don't know when I'll be able to. The other thing is that twine takes way longer than cs, so I've been thinking that when I start billing again (I stopped billing for this month since there will be no updates) I'll probably move the alpha to every two months (or do what other authors do, which is releasing an update a month earlier for patrons). The patreon page and rewards need an update regardless.

But I want to be creative again so bad. I need the escape art can give me. I have so many projects, so many ideas I want to try. I think it has been my mistake to work on this game exclusively, I need a side project that is more cheerful, less stressful.

Anyway, I will continue to work on the game starting next week, but I'll go easy on it since I'm still tired and I doubt my boss gives days off for the holidays.

I probably won't be posting updates until my mind is clearer and more well rested, but know that I'm still here and I'm working on it!

Finally and because we reached a milestone despite difficulties: I love and appreciate you all so much, really. We're already 500+ followers, can't believe there are so many that actually enjoyed the cs version. Whether you have ever been a patron, a silent follower or have sent me nice comments, thank you for believing in me even when I don't!

And for that person that sent me an ask that I've never answered, I am so sorry, I really haven't had time but I'll get to it when my laptop is back!

Thank you all and I'm wishing you a wonderful December 💖

[danpuff-ao3]

For the WIP asks: 6, 9, and 14. I hope you're deep in a writing frenzy and coping with all the weird things that surround our lives right now. 💖

Hello there! Sadly work is cramping my style right now, but hopefully things will settle down soon so I can get back into that frenzy state! I'd much rather be running around my apartment panting about smut or sobbing about angst than stressing about work crud. 😂

Onto the asks!

6. write 3 sentences of any wip you’d like, post it in the answer.

I began responding to your asks yesterday, but had to wait until now to finish as...well. It's Writing Time now! I listened to a bit of my Snarry playlist. Sat down with carrot cake and a latte. And produced WORDS!

Funnily enough, I went looking for a wip where I didn't need to write smut and I succeeded! Only...keeping to the 3 sentences would have been awkward and I'm afraid I'm very particular about things. 😅 So I switched to another wip that...was right in the middle of smut! 😂 But I think it's Tumblr friendly, so...from Good Daddy:

He had been so wound up and — he just —

Severus had barely done anything and —

“Oh god,” Harry pants.

Now maybe I'll get around to finishing the dang thing! Makes me glad you included this one! 💛

9. what are you struggling with the most in finishing your current wip(s)?

Oh golly. A multitude of things!

For smile with sweet surprise (also known as Stepdad Snape), the issue is being able to sit at my laptop long enough to write it. That fic is the worst one for me jumping up every few sentences to scream into the void or to throw myself on the floor because my brain is short-circuiting due to hotness. 😅 It's legitimately embarrassing how deeply into it I am, but here we are! Just me, being very uncool, because I'm overly invested in unethical smut. 😂

Some of the wips have an association with a person I had a falling out with, sadly, so I'm feeling rather fragile about those. I don't often chat fic ideas with people so it's a very special and strange situation that I hope to come back from! Two others I began right before a bad bout of writer's block last summer, so I need to get back in the groove with those. Which mostly means rewriting what I have and continuing on.

Still others are an issue of length. I know they're going to be longer, so I keep prioritizing shorter works. And one of those has the additional issue of intense magical theory that I feel I need to flesh out a bit more. While at the same time striking the balance between "cool magic stuff" and "the actual story." That one's going to test me and my need to explain as little as humanly possible. 😂

14. what’s your favorite thing about writing?

Oh gosh, that's tricky! There's something very therapeutic about it, I think. Purging one's own thoughts and emotions into the story. Exploring one's own thoughts and emotions through the story.

Not only the personal part of it, but putting oneself in another's shoes and seeing where they're coming from. Exploring how different people think and feel and react in different situations. People are so complex and life is so insane that there is an endless array of human experience to explore.

So I suppose it is both healing, and also eye-opening; a way to really think about life and humanity.

So I think emotional exploration and/or character exploration might be the answer.

And, on a more technical note, it's very fun to play with word choice and structure in portraying atmosphere and emotion. Or even punctuation! Chopping up sentences for a more jarring impact. Removing articles because...well, I can't really explain why I do that other than it feels right. 😂 A lot of what I do is more of a vibe than any logical reason.

In editing chapter 2 of smile, I spent ages agonizing over the use of a semicolon at the end. Switching it around from separate sentences, to using a comma, to the semicolon. Staring at the varations to figure out which one fit the right mood. A semicolon! Why? I have no idea. But it felt very important.

I still wish I understood but alas, I do not. 😂 I only know that everything matters. Every word choice, every punctuation mark. All of the words I keep and all of those I toss out. (The amount of words that get deleted in editing is very horrifying, let me tell you.) It all lends to the vibe of the story, to the emotions I'm aiming to not only portray, but induce.

...aaand hopefully that didn't sound too nutty! 😅 But I'm glad this question was here all the same! I'm very passionate about writing, so it's always a joy to talk about!

wip ask game

[haikpers]

[November 4,2020] 'Chapter 2'

I didn't expect the Night to go by so slow. Ever since I started writing in this I was just so excited to write whatever happens!

Anyways, I just woke up. It's currently 8:30 in the Morning. Wasn't expecting to actually wake up considering the fact that I kinda stayed up most of the Night looking up at my ceiling.

I'm in my Washroom getting ready to take my Daily shower. I've also gotta mention that my Friend Julien picked me up from my House today. For some reason my Pimples always settle down when I'm with him. He's probably Magic at this point.

It's not like I completely want my pimples to be gone just because I wanna look pretty. In all honesty, I want them to go away because I wanna be just like Oikawa! I know it sounds weird, and heck yeah it sounds impossible. But like I at least want to be similar you know? I've got the personality, the same interests as him, etc. So why not looks too?

Oh right, because he's perfect and I'm not. But whatever! I don't really care. I should be taking Shower by now but I'm standing here typing whatever's on my mind. Oopsies~ hehehe

Also, last night I was able to talk to my Friends about moving out and living together in the future. They're definitely going to be my Future Volleyball Teammates! I know, I know, I'm still 14. And yes we may have some age gaps but that won't stop us from setting up a Goal!

Hopefully Future me or any of them doesn't decide to leave. I really want to achieve this Goal of hours living together and staying Best Friends! Miracle, Lev, Mochi, and Colette. The 4 most precious people in my Life so far including myself, we're going to try our best! Anyhoo, I need to take a shower!

Just got done with my Shower. I feel much more refreshed now! I also haven't eaten yet, which I probably should do.. But I'll stay a little longer just so that whatever I post today is actually longer than the one from Yesterday.

Hannah somehow managed to make me cringe at my past self, I wanna die- So basically I used to do digital art, well not used to- I still do digital art til' this day but rarely. My art style was crap, oh GODXDDDDFFKEMFKKWKC.

I wanted to forget about it too, damnit. Now I have to relive my old art.

No idea why my head hurts a bit though. Maybe it's because I've never written a Diary before and my Brain's just malfunctioning because of it. Whatever the cause is, I'm ignoring it. [Unless it gets worse]

Did I mention it was Wednesday today? No, I don't think I have. Either way I'm just excited for the weekly Haikyuu Episode. It always comes out on Friday, which I'm so hyped about! Now that I think about it, I don't think I would've been so invested in Volleyball if it weren't for Haikyuu. In fact, I wouldn't even bat an eye to Haikyuu if it weren't for Oikawa. He caught my eye in one of the Instagram Posts- so, basically he's the reason why I love the Sport.

It's funny to think that my Future is because of Oikawa Tōru, a fictional Character who is both the Setter and the Team Captain for Aobajohsai from Haikyuu. But hey, I'm not complaining! If it's because of him then I'll continue.

Alright, I probably should actually eat now. I'm getting pretty hungry and I'm sure that my Birds are too as well. Their names are Bokuto, and Akaashi. Bokuto is the yellow bird, while Akaashi is the Blue. It fits them so well!

Well, well, well, I am back from my break! Also, I actually took a shower but I came back here like 3 Hours or even more after. Not a lot of things happened during the span of those hours. [Sad, I know]

But I did end up practicing my tosses for a bit! I use my Laundry Basket as a target for my Volleyball to land into whenever I set/toss it. It's not much, but it improves my precision.

I haven't tried setting backwards with it though, I probably should since I might need more practice for that. Also, I read some Hisoka x Reader Fan Fictions. Some were Lemon, the rest were fluff.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do okay? I was kinda bored so I ended up reading some FanFictions before deciding to go back to my own Diary and continue my writing.

I'm not even sure if I could practice outside today.. It's pretty sunny, but I feel like it might be freezing cold. I might as well just wait for tomorrow when I can go to School. Maybe then I could ask my Music Teacher if there's a way for me to Practice in the Schools Gym.

Corona is really pissing me off, I can't even practice or try out for the Team this year! Argh! And I was looking forward to it too. And the fact that I can't find any Gyms that has a Volleyball Court? Really shatters me. How come Japan is more superior. Like, I just wanna practice in a Gym that let's you use the Court for free.

I swear, when I become a Professional Volleyball player, I'm gonna set up a Gym/program in Canada where girls' and boys' like me could practice in without having to rent. I'll even be the coach for the program! Big dreams for tiny me, huhu.

I'm feeling even more sleepy for writing, is that bad? I really do wanna include something exciting in this Chapter but I can't think of anything that has happened that would be worth mentioning.

I also made a promise to myself that I wouldn't discuss any Past Occasions on here sooo... I have to make my current situation entertaining I guess. But~ I can do that after I sleep. uwu

Also, I kind of want to mention a little secret of mine that I do every single day. Before I go to sleep, or like any time during the day; I imagine Oikawa living along side me, interacting with me, and basically just straight up acting like my Best Friend. I also act as if no one else could see him BUT ME! It's honestly a straight up serotonin boost. I even have those moments where I could actually feel warmth where I imagine him to be. It's amazing!

But of course other people wouldn't really understand how much these little imaginations mean to me. Not everyone is this obsessed, but whatever. The more unique I am, the more reason to stay just the way I am.

I'll go check if it's actually cold outside, that way I can see whether or not I could practice my serves. Quick tip, if you don't have a net! Use the swings in parks. You could serve over the Bars, it's pretty useful. But make sure you don't hit anybody!

Bro, I just asked my Mom if I could go outside and practice. She said yes, I'm so excited to actually practice my serves! Wish me luck! I'll be back after. It's like 16° so I need to at least wear a sweater.

[mianix]

@pigeonnmilkk posted this today on Instagram with a premise request. I love their art so much I just had to write a fic to accompany it.

No one outside of me has looked at this, so hopefully the raw fic, unedited by a beta reader is still okay. 😥

Your art is so lovely @pigeonnmilkk , I can't wait to see more and I hope this inspires you as your art continues to inspire me. 💙

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It had been 345 days of continuous companionship.  Many more hours and minutes so inconsequential in this moment, that Nines couldn’t care to calculate them further.  Without Hank at his side though, Connor could not seem to shake this sudden wave of grief.

“I’m so sorry, Nines.”

“It’s alright, Connor.”

The RK800 model was restless against him.  His chassis was shaking, eyes leaking and no matter how much RK900 held him, Connor had trouble settling down.

He knew that it was not comfort from him that Connor needed, but that of his partner.  Hank, however, parted with Connor for the first time in almost a year to attend courses outside of Detroit specifically for ranking Lieutenants. The first time Connor could not follow him.  The first time Hank was not around when the weight of Connor’s deviancy caused his emotions to spill over.

It had happened before, but Hank always seemed to know what to do.  He would pull the android aside, away from prying eyes and return a while later with a confident and capable Connor at his side.  Nines had always wondered what the human had said to ease his mind.

Despite his lack of deviancy, he found himself protective of his predecessor.  There were programs within his reach that could allow for empathy, they just would not allow him to fully deviate.  Connor had become attached to him and that meant something to him, even if he did not fully comprehend it.

Hank had asked him to look out for Connor while he was away and his own sense of loyalty to the man would not allow for failure in this request.

“I love him, but he’s too tender for his own good.  Great police officer and very capable, but sometimes he cares too damn much.  It can’t be helped though.” Hank had said as they talked while Connor was out walking Sumo the evening before he left.

“Would you want him to be any other way?” Nines asked.  Hank went silent for a moment before replying.

“No. No I wouldn't.”

Connor had been sad when Hank bid him farewell, lingering in his hug for much longer than Nines could recall him ever doing.  He almost thought he heard a crack in the Lieutenant’s voice as he said one final goodbye, before walking away.

Since then, Connor had been quiet, pouring himself into work.  Occasionally Nines would notice a change in the rate of his thirium pump, but it always managed to regulate.  It wasn’t until Detective Reed had entered the room that things took a turn for the worse.

“Hey fuckface.  Where’s your boyfriend?” Reed asked, sitting on Hank’s desk and sipping his coffee.

“Hank is at a conference.” Connor replied simply, continuing to work without even glancing up.

“You mean you can actually operate without being attached to his silver-plated hip?” Reed asked snidely.

“Careful, Detective.” Nines had warned as he watched him from the desk behind Connor.

Gavin snorted, unphased by his warning.

“Sure thing RoboDick,” he said, raising his coffee cup to Nines before his eyes fell back to Connor.  “Whatcha working on?”

“Paperwork.” Connor answered on queue and Nines glowered at Reed.  He seemed in a playful mood and typically by now Hank would have chased him away with a glance, but his cockiness seemed amplified without the Lieutenant there to keep him in check.

“Is that right?  I’ve been working on a case.  Elderly man, had a heart attack.  Boom. Dead. Just like that. He was all alone too, no one nearby who even knew him.  Can you imagine what that must’ve felt like? To be so scared and not have anyone who knows you, or gives a fuck about you there?  I mean, humans are such fragile things, especially when they’re old… Like Hank, he could keel over anytime now. Say, when was the last time you heard from him?”

Nines spun around in his chair, not only for what Reed had alluded to, but because he felt Connor’s panic before it happened.

There was a breathing sound at first, ragged and stilted. When Nines stood he could see clear as day on Reed’s face that he knew he fucked up.  He’d gone too damn far.

“Hey, wait.  I didn’t mean-” Reed began, but Connor stood abruptly.

Nines took him by the arm without any hesitation and lead him, face down and hand grasping his arm into the utility closet.  Once there, he was able to face Connor and saw that same expression of panic as synthetic tears rolled down his face.

“I need Hank.  I need him.” Connor whispered as he brought his hands up to his face.

“Relax, Connor.” Nines said as he grabbed Connor’s face with both his hands and forced him to look at him.  “Concentrate on me.”

Connor shook his head though, the tears coming freely as the panic overwhelmed him.

“I’m so sorry, Nines.” Connor said as he wept, bringing himself into Nines to hide his face.  Slowly, Nines wrapped his arms around his predecessor and allowed him to do as was needed.

“It’s alright, Connor.” He reassured him and felt the full weight of the android cling to him. His mind raced as to what it was that Hank would do to pull Connor out of this.  But this was the first time the Lieutenant himself was the reason for the panic. He tried to think of something, when an idea began to form.

Slowly, he pushed Connor back, then dropped one hand to hold against Connor’s.  Their skin faded and Connor allowed the interface to happen between them.

Nines had 345 days worth of memories stored in his database and chose from those all the ones he believed would be precious to Connor.  The time Hank had purchased him a new coat for winter, despite him not needing it. The light in Connor’s eyes as he saw their Christmas tree lit up for the first time in blue lights Connor had picked out. Walking with Sumo on rainy days and seeing Hank roll his eyes, holding towels ready at the door, as they both walked in unbothered by their soaked appearances.  Laying in Connor and Nines shared room and seeing the RK800 petting the massive ball of fur as it licked his face, before falling asleep as Connor watched it long after it did. The one time Nines had overheard Hank as Connor put him to bed after a successful barbecue with a few of the DCPD members.

“You know Con.  I like the cut of your jib.” Hank said, slurring his words slightly.

“My what?” Connor asked, amused.

“Your jib.  Your personality… You’re such a good guy.” Hank replied, slowing towards the end with a large yawn.  There was silence at this. “Y’know… If Cole had gotten to grow up… Well. I hope he would’ve been like you, Connor.”

There was a long silence, as Nines stood just outside Hank’s room where he had left Connor to move him further into the room.  He could sense Connor’s change in mood, but dared not interrupt.

“T-thank you, Hank.” Connor finally responded after a while and Nines noted a shift in his voice.  There was a new gentleness there. Maybe Hank was sleeping, but Nines heard Connor get up and begin to walk closer to the door.

“Hey Connor?” Hank’s voice suddenly called out.

“Yes, Hank?”

“In case I haven’t told you… I love you, Connor.”

Nines jolted backwards as he felt a rush of warmth unlike anything he had ever felt before move through his hand.  Connor too stepped back, eyes wide and unsure at what had just occurred. Nines noticed though that his tears had stopped, but his face still flushed blue.

“Are you okay, Connor?” Nines asked cautiously.

“Yes.  I-I think so.” Connor responded as his eyes came back to meet Nines.

Nines watched Connor for a long while, because with that memory triggered ones Nines should not have had access to.  Connor had somehow transferred memories to him and suddenly he knew the secret to how Hank calmed Connor in times of stress.

“He tells you he loves you and it calms you?” Nines asked, still feeling that sensation radiating throughout his chassis.  Connor’s face broke into a small smile, eyes looking down, then coming back to Nines.

“No,” he replied with an ever growing smile.  “He tells me he loves me and he means it.”

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[batch83]

Well done, you!

An LSE Journey Essay

Looking deep into ourselves to find our real motivation can be hard especially when everything around us have been going by in a blur. Our true purpose, should we ever find it early, tend to get lost somewhere between making a living, paying the bills, raising kids and running a hundred different errands. Before you know it, you're well into your middle age and wondering where did the last 10 years go. It is in this age that I started to question what my endgame is.  

I was born in the North to Ilocano parents, raised in Metro Manila and educated in both private and government institutions.  I majored in Architecture but majority of my work is in another discipline.  For the past 13+ years in Singapore, I worked, and mostly enjoyed, working in Civil Engineering specifically in Geotech where we do a lot of underground works for tunnels and transport structures.  Such a badass feeling for a female to actually do this in a predominantly male field! I left the Philippines not because there was a pressing need to provide. On the contrary, I have a stable but boring job in the city. I was surprised when I got the call from a foreign headhunter that, at the prospect of new adventures and since there's nothing to lose (they paid for all the expenses anyway), I relented and went along to see where'd I'd end up. Fortunately, fate has been good. 

Being a migrant worker for most of my youth can be quite unsettling.  I have all the time in the world in a new environment full of possibilities, earning a decent disposable income and not saddled with pressing responsibilities. When you're new in a foreign land, the allure of all things shiny are very tempting. It's these times that I went on a spree, a moderate one by standard, but to an Ilocano it's a spree nonetheless.  Year in and out, I accumulated stuff that I liked and like to share with my family. But as my belongings grew and lugging them from one rental house to the next becomes harder, I thought "there must be more to gain in living here than this".  

Enter social media.

I spent numerous hours scrolling, clicking and just wasting time away but it's an upside that I saw an A-LSE sponsored seminar on one of the shared posts. At this point I'm already indoctrinated in the concept of financial management by another OFW (also an admirable Fin-Lit and Social Enterprise advocate) and seeing the A-LSE program page with all the bright faces of the students, my curiosity was piqued. What is this group that makes people come together and learn new stuff to improve themselves? The FOMO (fear of missing out) is strong and I had to join in on the fun. I finally got in a year after putting my name down on the waiting list.

 And so, the grind begins.

 The program started with self-introspection -- who are you, what makes you get up in the morning, what's your mission -- its wading at the rubbish and finding the bits that radiate sunshine. It's the equivalent of doing the Marie-Kondo in your life and removing the clutter.

As a parent, my goal is to give my child the tools and opportunities that will enable him to achieve good things in life. Not great, but good. I can only lead him to the starting line, I will leave it up to him to finish it in ways he sees fit.  Of course, to be able to do that I will need the financial capacity to provide for his primary needs but also to be there emotionally to support and guide him in his decisions. My goal is to show him the dignity in working and the joy of doing good, to impart the values I've learned from my parents, to have fun and appreciate the arts.

As a sibling, my goal to help them finish their tertiary education has been fulfilled. My siblings are now enjoying their chosen professions and has now embarked on new pursuits to ascend to the next level. Next is to help them map out their financial plans for the future -- that's a tactic to make them financially independent and not borrow money from me.

As a daughter, my goal is to see my parents enjoy the latter years of their lives and to help them come into terms that they need to step back and let their children take on the responsibilities on managing their estate.

As a person, my goal to become an instrument of change in however small way I can manage. Running for public office seems the easiest route but as I have no death wish and plan to live a longer-ish life, that's a no-go for me.

My goal is to achieve financial independence in the next decade, to establish my own enterprise, have enough to sustain my health coverage and retirement in the later years and leave a worthy legacy to my family. Lastly, I want to travel every year or every other year to places that are culturally rich and ‘gram worthy.

The 10 sessions have brought immense knowledge and insight about the core competencies of the LSE program. Journals have been written to provide a deeper insight for each session.

For Leadership, I find Tina Liamson's lecture on Migration & Principles of Leadership enlightening. The most fascinating has got to be from Dr. Juan Kanapi's Appreciative Inquiry. This is the first time I've heard of it and it's quite difficult to grasp the idea and can be easily confused with positivity. But at the end, It shows that if practiced AI is not just mind tricks but a powerful tool in realising your full potential.

The best lectures for Financial Literacy are the split sessions of Vince Rapisura and Edwin Salonga. (Edwin's lecture is about Social Entrepreneur but I remembered a lot more on his lecture about Finances, hence…) Who knew studying finance concepts could be this good? And most definitely not boring! I now have a deeper understanding about managing my finances better and learning that my current insurance is shit, which I really need to rectify soon. I can't tell you enough how the things I've learned from these wonder duos are gold. Call me by any other name (read: biased), but Ed's lecture is my most favourite of the lot.

The Social Entrepreneurship sessions have the most gravitas for these lectures carry the main core of the program. They're not all boring, mind you, but can be a bit challenging. The lectures on this series provided many useful tips for future entrepreneurial endeavors and is a big help in formulating our business plan. Other insights for the SE series can be read here and here.

At every journal writing, I try to reflect on what I've learned and think of ways to apply them in my daily life.  Most often I find things and events that need to be tweaked or heavily redesigned in order for it to be aligned with my future goals. Most pressing of these are the consolidation of my assets and liabilities, and making a clear plan on mapping out my finances that will include my son's future education.  The next point is to work on myself and how I carry myself as a leader starting at home. What better place to practice than to apply these learning in the household first? Hopefully, I will be able to improve my inability to forge meaningful connections to people by the time I have to build my own enterprise. I am not aspiring to be Miss Friendship, I'm ok with Miss Effective Boss or even Miss Influencer-For-The-Greater-Good. Tall order, I know, but we're allowed to dream and dreaming is free.

Joining the program made me realise the answer to my question, "So what happens now?" 

During my first few years as a migrant worker, my goal is to save so I can buy gadgets to connect me home. After having a mobile phone, a laptop and the ability to call home any time, ano na? As I enter my 14th year of being a migrant, I've somewhat been able to achieve the things I hoped for. Not the millions of dollars in bank account **fingers crossed**, but a comfortable life. But that restlessness persists. Learning that there are available avenues to pursue these in the Philippines is a big help in making me step into the right direction closer to the things I wanted to become. Programs like these give hope.  With that, I realise that there is more I can do back home than where I am currently at. I have the knowledge; I can share it -- starting with a small group of like-minded people who are willing to help themselves. Acquiring and sharing knowledge is free so I may as well start with that. 

All the sessions have been audio recorded and kept in a cloud that I shared with family members. Many of the things Dr. Kanapi said are the things I so want to say to my father. Sharing it is just a click away, let him hear it straight from the board-certified horse's mouth.  

I also plan to lead the residents in our small sitio towards a better understanding of financial management which can be instrumental in their livelihood. These people have been known in the family for decades. They have worked alongside our grandparents in tilling the land and their children continues to do so. While there have been advancements in their lives, I believe there is more to be done -- better education for their children/grandchildren, opening bank accounts, accessing government programs, using tech etc. I am excited to share with them the different concepts we have learned in the program, and also a good training ground for me to improve my leadership skills.

I highly commend the A-LSE program for striving to make the Filipino Migrant Workers' quest for relevancy and better lives. Much appreciation to A-LSE founding Team and the current secretariat who makes it run smoothly. The past month has been very trying but everyone has been great in providing feedback and extending their hands.  For that, a big Salute! to everyone -- for the team and the speakers who traverse the globe every year. 

As a program alumnus, I will most definitely uphold the values of the LSE in the best way that I possibly can. Sadly, my physical involvement with the LSE will not extend to the volunteer work for the next batch as  I have made plans for the next year that will make it impossible to fulfill my duties on the site . However, I am willing to extend my skill/expertise in whatever way I can as long as it is done remotely. 

Thank you, A-LSE.

Congratulations, Batch 83!

2019 will be remembered as the year I turned another leaf over.