#can't get a job because i haven't had an internship; can't get an internship because i'm not in college anymore

[neptuneiris]

cardigan (epilogue) (2/2)

and I knew you'd come back to me, you'd come back to me

pairing: modern!aemond × best friend reader!

summary: being in love with your best friend since high school becomes a strong and unavoidable feeling. until it starts to become more difficult when you get to college and the two of you, especially him, meet new people.

word count: 9.9k

previous part •

thank you so much to all those beautiful people who read this story, it meant a lot to me all those comments full of love and emotion to read each chapter. i'm so sad that it's over, but you will always have the story here to read it whenever you want to.

we'll see you in the next stories, for now we'll give a moment to the end of cardigan, where i'll be anxious to read your opinions. again, thanks for everything, you guys are amazing!

"Can you give me some time, please?"

You had asked him that day, that day with tears still in your eyes and still hugging him, to which he had lowered his gaze to look at you, his gaze soft and understanding, nodding at the instant you asked him.

And you had explained your reasons.

"I-I need to think, Aemond. I-I don't know if I can... do-this... right now. I-I just... "you bite your lips, nervous and embarrassed, "I need some time, I-I need....

"Yes, of course," he assures you softly, "You don't need to ask me, you take it. Do what you think you need to do, I won't pressure you. I will respect your space and each of the decisions you make when you are ready, whatever they are, all right?" he observes you honestly, "Don't worry about me. Take all the time you need."

You nodded in his direction, thanking him with your gaze, to which he had left a soft kiss on your forehead and finally separates from you.

After that, it doesn't take him long to leave your room, to which you had closed your door, watching him walk away down the hallway, feeling something in your chest, a feeling you didn't know exactly what it was.

And he had felt it too as he walked away.

And still surprised and with a bewildered expression in your gaze, that day you still hadn't processed one hundred percent of everything that had happened.

That day you lay on your bed and stared at the ceiling for a long time, thinking about everything and at the same time about nothing. Until eventually you fell asleep.

And now three months have passed.

Three months have passed since the time Aemond showed up by surprise in your room once you came back from Highgarden and you both confessed your true feelings for each other.

Three months since you asked him for time and to this day you haven't seen him or talked to him again.

You still have him blocked from all your social media, so neither of you know what each other is doing, however, you both know that you are either for Helaena or for Aegon.

And as he promised, he hasn't been looking for you again, hasn't pressured you, and has given you your space. And you have also complied with clarifying your ideas and your feelings, what you really want and what is best for you.

However, you are still not done with that matter of yours.

You still have some thoughts here and there, also some mixed feelings and indecisions.

But it's not the only thing you think about, sometimes you can't even think about it because of college, your internship here at King's Landing and also because of your job at the boutique.

Fortunately you've been hired at the boutique that Helaena told you about and everything has been more than fine in your life in those two fields of school and financially.

But you still think about Aemond and the current situation with him.

You thought about asking someone for advice, your friends and even Helaena, but honestly... you want to make this decision by yourself, without anyone else's opinions about what you should or shouldn't do.

You would ask for advice if you didn't know what to do, but you are considering all points, the before and the now.

Until an extended weekend arrives with Monday and Tuesday off for holidays, so you have more time to think about him and yourself.

Your friends invite you to go out partying considering there will be a lot of them at the frat houses for the long weekend but you're not in the mood, plus you know he'll probably be there.

But once talking to Helaena when you went for coffee together, she herself told you that Aemond has been going more on the weekends to his parents' house.

And you're not avoiding him, in fact you've seen him a few times on campus, obviously because that platinum hair is so easy to spot. He hasn't seen you but every time you see him... it disturbs your thoughts a little.

That's why you'd rather not see him.

When on a Saturday afternoon, you head to your room with a basket of clean clothes coming from the laundry, you open the door and Vhagar watches you comfortably between your pillows start to hang the clean clothes in your closet.

And once you're done, you sit on your bed, grab your phone and go to Facebook, when the first post you see is from the weather in King's Landing, warning that a horrible storm will hit tonight and will last until Sunday afternoon, so they ask for precautions to all the population.

You quickly pull aside the curtain of your window and in the distance you see some black and gray clouds approaching, causing you to shiver.

When just at that moment, you get a message and when you look at the screen, you see that it's Aegon.

Egg🥚: hey little demon

Egg🥚: tomorrow we're going to dinner, hel, daeron and jace

Egg🥚: you know who isn't coming so what do you say 👀?

You watch the messages for a few seconds without replying and doing nothing, just watching them and nothing else.

And you don't know why but reading the "you know who" made you feel something in your chest, something that you don't even know, but that makes you feel and makes you think more about him.

You look around your room, remembering just how everything happened here, the last time you saw each other and everything you talked about. His feelings and how you reacted.

Again that strange feeling gets stronger in your chest, a pleasant but sharp pain that runs through your whole body and is… inexplicable.

And suddenly… you feel a need.

You look again through your window at the horrible storm that will start in a couple more hours and let out a long breath, pursing your lips.

Afterwards, you don't really know what's wrong with you, but at half past seven in the evening and only with hope and Vhagar in your arms you get out of the Uber and head to quickly enter the huge building.

The wind has already reached the city, a strong one announcing that it will rain soon.

Your hair is flying in all directions, Vhagar is fidgeting in your arms and as you cross the doors of the building, you are finally okay but through the windows you see all that wind and some lightning reflecting.

The sky is already getting completely dark and you hear some thunder in the distance, all of it approaching.

You hug Vhagar and head for the elevator, again with that hope and longing.

Or otherwise… you'll have come all this way for nothing.

Soon enough you ring the bell, as you cuddle Vhagar and wait impatiently, worried that you'll probably stay out here since you can't go back to your dorm in this weather.

Uber fares go up considerably high because of the rain. And considering it's a storm… you'd have to stay here or at the reception of the building.

You let out a long breath, waiting. When at that moment a loud clap of thunder rumbles through the entire building, tensing you up and causing you to freeze in fear.

Vhagar stirs frightened in your arms and you hold her tighter against you, caressing her, swallowing hard and looking at the door with a hopeful and suffering face at the same time, beginning to despair.

You don't like to be alone when this kind of weather happens.

Then to your enormous good fortune, the door opens and again after a long three months you are face to face with Aemond.

The surprise is more than evident on his face when he sees you, clearly not expecting it to be you, now with the roles reversing as you are the one looking for him after months.

And you smile a little in his direction, though it's not entirely genuine because of the nervousness of being in front of him again and also because of the storm out there.

As Aemond watches you with his lips parted, his gaze lit up and wearing comfortable clothes, a white t-shirt and gray pants.

"Y/N?"

Vhagar stirs fully in your arms, watching Aemond intently, as you hold her tighter and swallow hard, watching him with some sorrow and also hope.

"I'm sorry," you stir nervously, lowering your gaze, "I-I had to come and….

You bite your lips, as Aemond takes a step towards you, hopeful, but still very surprised that you are here. And when you again raise your gaze to him, you both stare at each other for a few seconds without saying anything, with a look of hope.

His lilac eye watches you again with that glow while his beautiful sapphire shines and sparkles completely in your direction. That sapphire you love so much.

He doesn't seem to intend to send you away, not at all, not with the storm out there and if there wasn't, he still wouldn't have done it.

He wouldn't let you go a second time, not in his greatest madness.

That's why you light that spark of hope in him again, watching you intently and with complete adoration, even though he hasn't sung victory yet.

And you finally finish your sentence by watching him with a look of hope and affection at the same time.

"And I just hate storms."

Aemond places a small closed-mouth smile, one barely visible, then fully opens his door and allows you to pass through.

"I know."

Is what he says to you so that you then enter the apartment.

You set Vhagar down on the floor and realize that nothing has changed as everything remains exactly the same. As Aemond watches you behind you, cautious to take his distance as he doesn't want to ruin this, to then hold Vhagar in his arms.

And then it's as if you both go back in time.

"Would you like a cup of coffee or something to eat?"

He offers you in a soft voice, as your gaze focuses on the huge windows, watching as the rain hits the glass hard and lightning illuminates some parts inside the apartment.

And you turn to him.

"Yes," you nod, "Coffee would be nice."

Aemond nods to then go down to Vhagar, but first quickly goes to close the curtains, since he knows you don't even like to look when it rains so brutally.

Then he makes you comfortable in what used to be your home too.

You take a seat on the stool at the table while he starts getting everything ready and that's when you both again start catching up after the three months.

You thought it would be awkward and weird, but it's not.

He's clearly happy that you're here and you feel the same way about the two of you now being in each other's company.

The conversation makes you forget a bit about the weather, even though you hear some thunder, but Aemond distracts you by asking or telling you something, pouring you a cup of coffee and offering you some sweet bread as well.

There really isn't much to catch up on, but you have a very good and pleasant time, finally feeling at ease being with him.

As the night begins to grow late and Aemond takes you to your room, because for him it has never stopped being your room.

When you open the door, everything is just as you left it the last time. Everything is empty, there are only the unoccupied furniture, the lamps on each one, the empty desk and also the bed with the sheets and pillows that have not been used by anyone since you left.

"I'll get you a T-shirt and some socks, so you can sleep comfortably."

You look at him and nod, watching him gratefully.

"Yes, thank you. I-I know I should have brought my clothes, but…

"No, it's fine," he assures you instantly, "No problem."

And he walks away down the hallway toward the door to his room as you watch him then go inside, take a seat on the bed and look around the room for a few more moments.

You felt so strange when you left this room and saw it this empty last time. And now you feel the same way.

When he soon returns with his clothes and hands them to you.

"Here you go."

"Thank you, Aemond."

He nods to you and then scratches the back of his neck, which he does out of nervousness, watching you, suddenly having an impulse, wanting to say something to you.

But he controls himself, again telling himself that he mustn't fuck this up, that he mustn't scare you. So he starts to leave the room.

"I'll be in my room if you need anything."

"Yes," you murmur, "Thank you."

"It's nothing," he smiles softly at you, "good night."

"Good night."

And he closes the door.

It's only a matter of time before you're covered with the sheets, with Vhagar sleeping with you, watching the rain through part of the window with the curtain open, lowering your gaze to place your nose in the collar of Aemond's shirt you're wearing so you can breathe in more of the detergent and clean smell of him.

You can't sleep.

The sound of the rain doesn't leave you, neither does the lightning that reflects from time to time, much less some thunder that is not constant, but when you hear it, it makes you tense up and gives you chills.

You know you're not alone, but you still can't.

So you try one more time. But unconsciously your eyes stay open and you tremble with fear when the thunder is louder this time and the lightning longer and more constant.

Everything is like a horror movie for you.

You really hate and are terrified of storms.

Unable to stand it any longer, you stir to get up, to which Vhagar does so too, watching you intently, she too watching the window for the sound of the rain and the strong wind, probably just as terrified as you are.

Undecided, you go back to watching the window sitting on the bed and bite your lips, telling yourself that what you want to do is not bad and that it is just what you want after so long thinking about it.

When a huge, loud, horrible thunder rumbles throughout the building and probably all of Kings Landing.

You tense up and become completely paralyzed with fear, also the thunder makes Vhagar bark in fear, while you feel the uncontrollable urge to cry, because it terrifies you and does not let you sleep.

You get up with Vhagar in your arms, definitely not taking it anymore and as you try to move forward to get out of bed, your feet collide with something.

You lower your confused gaze, stopping, seeing how there is a medium sized box sticking out a bit from under the bed, as if it had been stored there.

Confused and curious, despite the horrible storm out there, you gently set Vhagar back down on the bed and bend down to pull the box out and pick it up.

Cautiously, you think to yourself that maybe it must be something of Aemond's, something he wanted to keep here and you know you shouldn't snoop around because it's his stuff and this is his room since you left.

But you ask yourself; why keep something right here? Why not in his room?

With everything he has told you and if he really felt bad about you leaving here, maybe he couldn't even bear to see this room without your stuff being here.

That's how you would have felt.

When you then look at the box, in the center of the lid you see how there is a white folded card. You frown, slowly open it and read:

For my best friend, the best of all.

Happy birthday my pretty one. Thank you for always being there for me, even though many times I don't deserve you. I love you, now and always.

You stand completely frozen, staring at the card in surprise and bewilderment, only to look at the box in your hands that is actually your birthday present.

The gift he was never able to give you.

Months have passed and yet it's like it happened yesterday. And you've moved on. But Aemond isn't.

Maybe in all this time remorse was eating him alive, knowing perfectly well that your present is under your bed, in the room that was once yours. Thinking that day must have been very special and that he must have been there for you.

However, nothing was like that.

That's why he placed it here, because he couldn't bear to see it, just the same way he couldn't even bear to see the door to this room every time he walked through the hallway.

You're surprised that he didn't get rid of your gift, but still, unable to cope with curiosity and with a strong, sharp feeling in your chest, you dare and open the box.

And the first thing you see are old photos of the two of you together.

You delicately take the first picture, a photo of you both in high school, where you smile with utmost happiness and he makes a funny face next to you.

You smile a little, remembering that day just as if it was yesterday.

This is the first picture you both took together after you both started spending more time together in school and then became best friends.

He didn't even want to take a picture with you, he said he didn't like them, but you convinced him and then over time he didn't deny you any picture you wanted to take of him or both of you together.

The next picture is both of you in his car, both eating ice cream, where earlier he had warned you that if you dropped ice cream on his baby, his car obviously, you would have to wash it yourself and everything, not just the inside.

Then the next picture is both of you at school with a bunch of friends from back then, friends of his more than anything, but he and you are in the middle of everyone, hugging and smiling.

And so continually there are more photos of the two of you, especially together on your relatives' birthdays, there's even one of the two of you with your parents.

You planned a little trip to visit your parents because you missed them so much and Aemond in an instant wanted to join you.

You didn't want to bother him, but he assured you that he was no bother at all and the moment your parents finally met him, they loved him completely and he loved them too.

Another photo is him at the amusement park, smiling at you, and then another one he took of you, also smiling with a cotton candy.

And at the end are the pictures you took together at his family's balls at Dragonstone, both of you smiling, him in his suit and you in your more than ideal and perfect dress for that night.

He has the color of his tie the same color as your dress in each photo, going through the years, both of you together and in different colors of ties and dresses.

There are also photos of the two of you here in the apartment, together, smiling and happy, to which you smile too, looking at the photos with a lot of feeling, tears starting to form in your eyes.

And you realize the different meaning these photos would have had, if the two of you had confessed your feelings to each other from the beginning.

And that's what gives you the most feeling… the time lost and how wrong the two of you were about each other.

You sniffle, not letting the tears run down your cheeks, realizing that there is something else in the background that was covered by the pictures.

You take another but smaller box in your hand, a small black and velvet box.

Not having the slightest idea what it could be, you swallow hard and open it, instantly the slight surprise reflecting in your gaze as you see what's inside.

A beautiful silver necklace with a drop-shaped pendant of a blue sapphire… a blue sapphire just the same color as the one he has in his eye.

Incredulous, starting to breathe a little faster, you look at it in complete surprise, realizing what he would have given you at the time as a gift.

But you don't even know if you would have accepted it. You know that this must have cost him a lot.

And even though you know that money is no issue for him, it still seems too much for you because it's a real sapphire, just like the one in his eye.

You tilt your head to the side, feeling like you really want to cry now, but then a few words on a small letter underneath the necklace catch your eye.

An important part of me for you,

A vulnerable part of me that has been placed in good hands with you, my soulmate. A part that I have learned to overcome and a pain that thanks to you, has turned into something beautiful. You are special to me.

You are pure magic, my beautiful pretty one.

That's when you lose it again completely. And you start to cry uncontrollably.

You try not to make your sobs so loud, especially since Aemond's room is right next door, but you doubt that he can hear you with all the horrible sound of the storm outside.

You gently run your index finger over the precious sapphire and read his words over and over again.

My soulmate.

He has written to you… but back then it would have meant soulmates in a friendship. But now considering the truth, he always thought differently and has always been that way.

You wonder what you would have done at that moment if he had spent your birthday with you, maybe in sorrow you would have refused this expensive gift, but in the end you know he would have convinced you one way or another.

When at that moment, again a huge, terrifying and loud thunder makes you terribly scared.

Vhagar again barks, frightened and trying to find your touch.

You wipe your tears and leave the gift on the bed, then take Vhagar in your arms and leave the room, heading towards Aemond's room.

At first you think about knocking, but again another clap of thunder, not so loud this time but still frightening, makes you simply open his door.

Instantly you think he is asleep, but the reality is that he has been as awake as you have been all this time.

And with his back to you, he turns to you as he hears the faint sound of his door opening and also draws your attention as the light from the hallway slowly enters his darkened room.

"Y/N?"

You are relieved to realize that he was not asleep, as he looks at you a little confused, beginning to sit up, watching you carefully.

In other circumstances he would not have understood you, but by the expression in your face in an instant he knows because of the horrible storm accompanied by the loud and terrifying thunder outside.

You are about to explain yourself, but as you stand there watching him, remembering all that he told you and explained, even though you are more than aware of the beautiful gift he was destined to give you, you realize that you can't find the words to speak.

Much less when out there the storm seems to intensify, increasing your anxiety and your fear, calling for your attention.

But he has his full attention on you.

So simply acting on impulse and that same need you felt hours earlier in your dorm, deciding to come here by finally making a decision, you head towards him.

You leave Vhagar on his bed, walk around the bed to get to the right side as he watches you intently without saying anything to you and you lie down next to him.

And the two of you simply say nothing.

Aemond settles back into the same position he was in before, while you cover yourself with the sheets that have that unique, clean, fresh smell of his.

Then you move closer to him, snuggling up next to him, draping one of your arms across his stomach and placing your head on his chest, as he gladly welcomes you and locks you in his arms.

And again neither of you say anything. Because there is no need to say anything.

Simply the actions speak for themselves, Aemond realizing that you have already made your decision, a decision that fills him completely and makes him a happy man, finally.

Because you are trusting him again completely, giving him your heart in his hands. And for that he feels privileged.

And in that moment he makes a promise to himself, and that is that he will not fuck this up again, he will not hurt you again, because this is all he has ever wanted.

And the first thing he will do is to prove everything to you with actions and not with words, words and promises that were worthless before, but now… now things are different.

Now they are without Alys in the middle and without his immaturity holding him back anymore.

And what you need from him is this, to feel his closeness, his presence, just the way you are now, hugging and now feeling so much better to get through this horrible storm.

Vhagar settles between both of your legs, to which Aemond smiles tight-mouthed, resting his head more against yours, running his fingers gently down your back, over his shirt, sending shivers but comfort throughout your body.

You move your face closer to him, hiding your face between his chest and neck, inhaling the comforting scent of his clothes and hair, making you smile a little softly.

You have never been in such an intimate position with him before, not even in your times of friendship, because you were afraid that if you started doing this, he would notice.

But now… you realize that this is all you've ever wanted.

When suddenly another huge thunderclap makes you startle in fright and hide your face further into his neck, but Aemond quickly pulls you tighter against him, covering you and protecting you from everything.

"Shh," he murmurs softly in your ear, stroking your back, "Easy, my pretty one. It's okay, I've got you."

And his words couldn't have comforted you more.

Especially since he then turns his face slightly towards yours and begins to leave soft, tender kisses all over your cheek, making butterflies appear in your stomach.

He doesn't go any further, fearing to scare you, when the reality is that you had long desired this. But you don't make him go any further either, this being enough and perfect.

"I love you so much," he murmurs sincerely and lovingly in your ear, "You don't know how much I had wanted this, Y/N."

You smile softly against her cheek and neck, gently stroking her hair with your right hand.

"Me too," you murmur," And I love you too, Aemond."

And there it is… finally. The first I love you from both of you.

Aemond had already told you, that's why you reacted the way you reacted, but now hearing those words come from you only makes him feel more alive and realize that this is real.

With you in his arms and Vhagar asleep in his legs, he knows this is real.

Inevitably, now he is the one who feels the urge to cry, your "I love you" filling him completely and making a tear escape from his eye, feeling very happy but at the same time very afraid of losing you again for a silly thing.

Only he knows how much he suffered when you left and their friendship ended, that now he doesn't even want to make the slightest mistake, because he doesn't want to and wouldn't bear to lose you again.

"I'm not going to fuck this up again, Y/N."

He tells you with a slight tremor in his voice, calling your attention, without ceasing to caress his hair, especially at the moment when you feel something wet fall on your shoulder, being his tear.

"I don't want to lose you again, not with more words and empty promises. No, I-I want to make this right, I want you to be with me, I want to deserve you, to be worth it to you. And I'm going to prove that to you."

You open your eyes slowly, not really being able to see anything, only the shape of his face covering half of your view, while the rest is the room, watching the lightning reflecting from time to time.

You let out a long breath, continuing to run your hand through his hair, then gently lift your face towards him, without pulling away from the embrace, wanting to look at him face to face.

And you are right the moment you see the wet path of his tear running down his cheek and his eye slightly red as he looks back at you.

And he lets you see it, lets you see his vulnerability and how terribly honest he's being with you right now. And you believe him. You really do.

You raise your hand and place your thumb on his cheek, wiping away the trace of moisture gently, watching him lovingly and in understanding, then nod, letting him know it's okay.

Then you are the one who starts stroking his hair back as you lean a little closer to him and start leaving soft kisses on his right cheek while caressing his left cheek with your hand.

He leans closer to you, closing his eye and letting himself be carried away by the feeling of your caresses, holding you tighter against him, not wanting to let you go and wanting to feel you as close as possible.

This is comforting for both you and him, but he has always wanted this, always longed for this and now that he is receiving it, it feels like a dream.

And he loves this. He loves that he has you and that everything is finally all right, despite the terrible storm out there.

But the storm was the main reason you're both here now so… he doesn't know whether to be grateful for that or hate the storm as much as you hate it for scaring you and keeping you awake at night.

Then again it's you who dares and leaves a soft kiss on his lips that takes him completely unaware and he opens his eye to watch you intently and slightly surprised.

But before the two of you, especially you, can process it, you watch him with some fear, hope, fondness and need.

"We won't go through the same thing again as before, will we?"

You ask him in fear and his gaze contracts in understanding and concern for your worry.

"We will talk and consult each other about anything that worries us. We won't be led by anything or anyone without asking each other first… right?" you look at him a little more serious, but still concerned, "There won't be anyone else in the way anymore."

Aemond watches you for a few seconds in silence, observing you or rather admiring you gently, completely understanding this concern of yours.

And if he were you, honestly he too would be worried about the same thing considering everything that happened between you.

"Right."

He assures you afterwards with a sigh, bringing one of his hands to a lock of your hair, placing it behind your ear, then caressing your cheek watching you with adoration and then placing his fingers on your chin.

"We're going to do this right," he assures you, "I'm going to do this right."

"You promise?"

"I promise," he assures you again in an instant, "I'll never get another chance with you if I screw up again, I know that and that's why…now that I finally have you, I don't intend to let you go. Not until you decide so."

You smile softly in his direction, your gaze full of affection and adoration, thinking about how much you love him and how perfect this feels, this thing you've wanted for years, being the same thing he wanted and feels too.

Your lips are almost touching and having no intention of separating because you want to feel the closeness of the two of you, his words filling you up.

"So this is official now?"

You ask him with some amusement in your gaze but equally excited, trying to keep yourself from smiling big and looking like a silly little girl in love.

"I've waited too long already, Y/N. I don't want to waste any more time. But I'll understand if you still don't want us to take this any further," he lets you know, "Just because you've already made up your mind and taken some time doesn't mean you can't take more to clear your head if that's what you need. I'll still keep waiting for you until you're ready."

He tells you so honestly and with such determination that your heart melts with affection.

And more so because he continues to look at you as the most precious thing to him in the whole world, really not wanting to scare you away from the matters of a relationship so soon, but he wants to be honest with you from the beginning.

And you appreciate that, because you know how terribly serious this is both for him and for you….. finally.

"No, I-I…" you nod slightly and smile a little, "I want this too."

He watches you intently and with all the fondness in his gaze.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes… yes, I-I… this is all I've ever wanted" you sigh, "I don't want to waste any more time either. I just want everything to be okay now and for us not to go through what we went through last time. I want us to talk and be there for each other."

He nods slightly, understanding, smiling.

"That's how it will be my pretty one, you'll see."

So now it is he who makes with his fingers on your chin to bring your face closer to him and kisses you.

He really kisses you.

You let yourself be completely carried away by the movement of his lips and you move closer to him, letting all your weight fall on top of him, kissing him as softly and affectionately as he kisses you, it being a kiss not at all hurried but deep and full of feelings.

He kisses you so sweet and so soft, treating you as if you were made of glass.

He then places both of his hands on your waist, embracing you and pulling you tighter against him, while you place your hands on his cheeks, both kissing without separating an inch.

And now all you can hear is still the sound of rain and thunder outside, along with the sound of your mouths moving, both of you clinging to each other.

The two of you finally feeling complete as you share your first kiss.

"Fuck," he sighs into your lips, completely delighted by your lips and your closeness, "I love you…so much."

He tells you in between kisses to then caress his lips with yours again in a desperate, deep movement, making you smile and giggle a little, pulling you apart a little to again leave steady kisses down his cheeks, his nose and again kiss his lips.

"I love you too."

And again you resume the long, lingering kiss, not meaning anything else, just being about the first innocent kiss… for now.

All they both need now is to feel that closeness and affection for each other. And that's exactly what they do, until they eventually fall asleep.

The next morning, neither you nor Aemond get out of bed.

With the weather completely cloudy as a result of last night's storm, the mood is to stay in bed and stay there all day. And that's exactly what you both do.

It is Aemond who wakes up first, with you in his arms, your face buried in his neck and your arms around his body, while Vhagar sleeps in both of your legs more than comfortably.

He smiles at the sight, more than pleased and more than happy, not needing anything else for this day and definitely not needing more in his life than this… you.

You the person he wants to spend the rest of his days with if possible, with Vhagar accompanying you at every step, the mere thought making him smile and yearn like an idiot.

Then he carefully removes you from his body, which fortunately you don't wake up to because you are not used to going to sleep late and waking up early the next day like he is.

Vhagar doesn't wake up either, which he also appreciates and as soon as he gets out of bed, he quickly covers you with his sheets, making sure you're okay, and then leaves a kiss on your neck and forehead.

He also caresses and leaves kisses on Vhagar's head before heading to his bathroom to take a shower.

And by the time he finishes, you are still asleep, but Vhagar wakes up and he takes her in his arms to go together to the kitchen to make breakfast.

The whole time he's cooking he can't stop grinning like an idiot, thinking about last night and also happy with the thought that you're here with him, right now sleeping in his bed, the two of you finally together.

And he knows it's real as he paces back and forth in the kitchen with Vhagar lying on the floor, watching him, making him smile and feeding her every moment he sees her, not resisting.

As he is about to finish cooking, he feels small hands and arms wrap around his back completely, making him smile like an idiot again, more if possible, instantly placing his hands above yours on his chest.

He feels you drop your head on his back, needing his touch, just what he needs from you as well.

"Good morning, my pretty one."

"Good morning," you say back to him with your voice hoarser and still sleepy.

He laughs and turns to you, holding you in his arms, instantly embracing you as you cling completely to him. And he leaves kisses on your cheek and in your hair.

"How did you sleep?"

You let out a long breath.

"Very well until I woke up and you weren't next to me."

He smiles, pulling you closer to him.

"Don't worry, we'll have more mornings together where you'll wake up and I'll be right next to you, I promise," he leaves a kiss on your forehead, "Now… do you want breakfast? I made pancakes."

You raise your gaze to him, watching him with all the adoration in the world with a small smile, then nod.

"Okey," he leans in and leaves a soft kiss on your lips, "Give me a few minutes, I'll serve everything."

"I'll help you."

The two separate, at that moment the two realizing that they can't even keep their hands to themselves as they need to touch and be close to each other, turning out to be ridiculous but more than necessary at the same time.

Aemond thinks about how if Aegon could see them right now, he would call them in need of affection when literally the two of them are in the same place and even then it's not enough.

It's not like you're going to be stolen any second from his side or Aemond is going to be stolen from your side.

And the moment they start serving everything, after having breakfast together, in the place that was home to both of you and fortunately still is, everything went back to the way it used to be before.

Except this time… finally Aemond is yours and you are his.

And then pretty soon the people around you know it.

It's not as if you both wanted to hide your relationship, not at all, rather you wanted to shout to everyone that at last the two of you are together and happy.

Helaena was the first to find out after she showed up by surprise at the apartment and found you there with Aemond's clothes on, where the two of you were watching movies.

And you didn't even have to explain anything to her, she immediately deduced that something else was going on.

But when you confirmed to her that it was so, she could no longer control her huge smile and her excitement, hugging you tightly, telling you how very happy she was for both of you, then hugging Aemond as well.

But his happiness vanishes and in the blink of an eye she grabs him by the collar of his shirt in a furious grip and threatens him not to commit any of his foolishness with you again.

And as soon as she is done threatening him too, she returns to her happy state and keeps them company for a while, happy to see them both so comfortable, so happy and finally so at peace with each other.

Then the next to find out were Aegon, your friends and also apparently "the rumor" started to go around the campus, among the girls more than anything else, announcing that Aemond Targaryen has a new girlfriend.

And it was confirmed the moment you and Aemond are seen walking across campus towards your apartment, both holding hands and not really caring much about the stares of others.

And because of how extremely popular Aemond is, he didn't hesitate for a second to show off, just a little bit, his relationship with you also on social media, uploading pictures of you or both of you together.

You also started posting some pictures with him, it's not like you have the same amount of followers as him, but you know almost the whole psychology department and you only confirmed more your relationship with him.

And with only a few weeks left after you and Aemond finally formalized everything, neither you nor he talked about moving back in together.

There was nothing Aemond wanted more, but he didn't want to pressure you if you didn't feel ready.

Gradually though, staying at the apartment so late and deciding to sleep over started to become unconscious, also staying in the mornings to have breakfast together and also bringing some of your things or clothes with you.

Aemond only suggested Vhagar to stay with him now and you accepted, that's why going to the apartment started to be more frequent, also sleeping over.

Both of you didn't say anything, but little by little that fact started to happen even for both of you not to agree on something. Aemond was giving you time to adjust and you were doing it without pressure.

Until it got to the point of always staying with him and having to leave your room in the residence free for someone who really needed it. In the end you talked it over with him and he gladly agreed to let you go back to the apartment.

You also talked about your job. You were not willing to quit and he understood you, he didn't reproach you for it or anything, you even agreed that some days he could pick you up.

And so things finally, little by little, between the two of you began to take shape after making the relationship official.

And honestly… the two of you couldn't be any better off.

"Wait, no, so… you're telling me… you and your best friend have been in love for years and neither of you knew…" Sara looks at you serious and incredulous, "Until now."

You let out a small laugh, swinging your feet back and forth constantly.

"Yes, that's exactly how it happened."

But Sara is having none of it, she questions you in disbelief and stares at you in total disbelief.

"Are you kidding?"

"You can't blame them either, that's what usually happens when they're best friends," Aileen tells her with more understanding.

"But wow," Ryan says now, slightly surprised, "You being the Targaryen boy's girlfriend is like you're a celebrity girlfriend. All the girls will be all over you knowing his reputation from before."

"He already explained that to me, so I'm not worried," you assure him.

"And how has it been going?" asks Sara with a smile, taking a sip of her drink, "You didn't date any Highgarden boys but you're dating Aemond Targaryen, who…" she makes a thoughtful face, nodding, "Yes, it's true, he's like a celebrity."

"As far as I know, everything's fine," Hel suddenly appears from the kitchen with a smile, drawing everyone's attention, "And if it isn't, the first thing I'll do is go against Aemond."

You smile at the arrival of Hel, who looks as radiant and striking as ever in a beautiful red dress and her platinum hair in a simple but pretty updo.

"Guys, this is Helaena, Aemond's sister and my advisor… pretty much in everything."

"'Her sister-in-law,' Hel says with a proud smile, waving to your friends.

You laugh and so do your friends, as you can see Ryan fidget a little nervously at Hel's arrival who talks to Sara and Aileen as if they've known each other all their lives, watching her a bit embarrassed, making you smile, knowing full well that Hel also has many admirers all over campus.

But that doesn't make you smile as much as when Aemond crosses the kitchen doorstep as well, looking for something or someone, but when his gaze meets yours, that little smile appears on his lips and you smile back at him.

He makes his way through all the people at the party crossing between the main living room of the huge fraternity house and the kitchen to get to you.

And when he does, you immediately wrap your arms around his neck and he wraps his hands around your waist, leaving a chaste kiss on your lips that you reciprocate with a smile.

"Here's my pretty one," he murmurs against your lips.

You smile some more.

"I missed you."

"Me too," he leaves one more kiss on your lips, "But people came who I didn't even know were my family, all the way from Oldtown and mom wanted us to stay and meet everyone."

"And how did that go?"

"Hmm… fine, yeah," he shrugs, "Nothing interesting, really."

You laugh at his unconcern when you can imagine his mother going crazy having so many guests from Oldtown.

"And where is Aegon?"

"He met some girls at the entrance, one of them he must be sticking his tongue down her throat by now."

You laugh again as he settles between your legs and you hug him by the shoulders, then he turns and greets Ryan, who is right in front of you and they both start talking and catching up.

Also little by little Hel corroborates in the conversation of both of them and so on until also Sara and Aileen also talk to him, finally your friends and your boyfriend having a conversation and getting along well.

At all times Aemond doesn't move away from you and doesn't fail to feel your touch as he takes your hand and intertwines his fingers with yours, those simple actions filling you up and making you feel more than happy.

Until at one point you can see how a group of girls also in the kitchen are watching the two of you and whispering constantly to each other, but watching especially you.

Ryan's words come to your mind and you try to distract yourself from thinking about it, but with their gazes on you it becomes impossible, while Aemond doesn't even notice.

When Aemond catches your attention and makes you forget about them as he turns to you and watches you with all that affection and all that adoration.

"Wanna dance?"

"In a moment. I want to play something first," you point to the beer pong tables.

"Babe, at the last party with just one round of beer pong you were already feeling dizzy," he tells you amused.

"That's not true," you say instantly indignant, "It must have been the heat, the people or something."

He laughs.

"Yeah, right."

"Besides, who was the last one who had to take care of whom?"

"See? You don't even remember," he says amused, "I took care of you last time."

You look away from him and grimace a little, smiling.

"Fine, now I'm the one at this party who's taking care of you."

"Hmm… nope," he leaves a kiss on your cheek, "I don't plan on drinking. I have to take care of my girl."

"Are you serious? Because I am taking it serious," you warn him.

"Yeah, if you want to drink, I'll take care of you," he assures you.

"You sure?"

"Very sure."

You smile and again the two of you share a slightly longer kiss, neither of you really caring that you're among friends and lots of people.

You did care at first, but Aemond didn't and he started to slowly make you stop caring too.

"There are my two love birds!"

Aegon's voice makes both of you break off and look at him, also your friends, as he enters the kitchen already with a drink in hand and completely smiling, heading towards where you are.

"What's up man?"

He gives Ryan a friendly high-five and makes his way over to head towards your friends and Hel.

"Sis, I already told you, you look good, girls you too, beautiful," he says in a flirty tone and finally his gaze falls on the two of you, "Sister-in-law! First time we've seen each other since you've been with my brother and you don't know the satisfaction it gives me to call you that."

You laugh and Aegon wraps you in a hug.

"Also finally seeing you, again, Egg."

"Don't call me that if you want to continue to have my approval, you little demon."

"Oh come on, even if you didn't want to, we'd still still be approved by you."

"I hate you."

And even though Aemond doesn't have to feel jealous, he still has that instinct and also the protective one, so he interferes, wanting to feel close to you again, nor him bearing himself.

"Okay, that's enough."

Aemond interrupts their moment by pulling Aegon away from you and settling back between your legs, him being the barrier between his brother and you or anyone else actually.

"So soon we've already started with your jealousy, little brother?"

"Hands where I can see them."

"Okay, Officer Targaryen," he says with a pout, "Dude, this is a party, relax."

You smile and leave a kiss on Aemond's cheek, that being enough to make him content again.

"And mom already knows about this?" asks Aegon interested, "You know she'll go crazy, right?"

"Why?" asks Aemond.

"She'll go crazy and probably start crying from happiness, obviously," he says obviously, "And not just her, but Nyra, Daeron, Jace too, Baela, Rhaena, even Uncle Daemon-oh my god, I can already see what he'll say-you know what? I'll send him a picture of you two right now," he quickly grabs his cell phone and starts typing like crazy, "the fucker is going to love this."

You can't help but laugh loudly at this as Aemond also puts on a smile and not too soon after, the party really starts to get going.

Aegon is the one who starts to set the mood more and pretty soon you find yourself dancing with Aemond and your friends.

Or rather you are hugging him, with him having his hands on your waist, both of you moving from time to time to the rhythm of the music but kissing.

You also sing a few songs together, even Aegon joins in the fun in every person who is dancing, but you can't help but not kiss.

Drinks fly here and there, Aemond drinks too, but it is you who drinks too much and soon enough you find yourself dizzy, sitting on a couch with Aemond next to you with one of his arms around your shoulders and your head on his chest.

Your friends keep you company, also Hel. You don't talk as you are recovering because you don't want to get really drunk while Aemond laughs and talks to your friends, but still from time to time he talks to you and watches you to ask you if you are ok, leaving kisses on your forehead or cheek.

The minutes pass and you observe all the party around you, until your gaze meets again with a whole group of girls watching Aemond and you, but more you.

And it catches your attention that right in that group of girls is Alys, in the middle of all of them, murmuring and having a funny little smile on her lips, watching you.

You press your lips together, letting out a long breath, not wanting to make a big deal out of it but finding it impossible because of the mocking way you know she's talking about you.

Honestly, you didn't even remember Alys anymore. And you know Aemond doesn't even think about her anymore either.

But seeing her now, you teleport back in time to your high school days with the rich girls being mean to you.

And at that moment you try not to let Alys get to you.

You know you shouldn't be ashamed, rather she should be ashamed of what she did to Aemond and with that you feel at ease, knowing that you are not a disgusting person like her.

But being a little drunk and dizzy at the moment, it's a little hard for you not to care.

"Babe? Are you listening to me?"

Aemond's words snap you out of your trance returning to the party and you look at him a bit confused.

"Mmm?"

He smiles at you in amusement.

"I asked you if you need anything."

"Oh," you close your eyes, sighing, "No, I'm fine, thanks."

"Sure? Don't you need a glass of water, go to the bathroom or get some air?"

"Hmm…" you say thoughtfully, "No."

He chuckles a little at your behavior and leaves a soft kiss on your lips.

"You want to go home already don't you?"

"What? No, of course not," you quickly tell him confused.

" Babe, I know perfectly well when you lie to me and believe me when you're drunk, I know it even more."

You let out a sound of frustration, closing your eyes tighter, hiding your face in his neck.

"I'm not drunk and I don't want to ruin the party for you. We can stay a little longer," you tell him apologetically.

"No, babe, it's okay," he assures you, "Come on, can you get up by yourself?"

" Babe, no, it's okay, we can stay…".

"I want to go too. Right now I want to be home, with Vhagar and you, so come on, can you get up or not?"

Soon enough, the two of you say goodbye to your friends and his siblings, and Aemond helps you with your balance as you both head to your car, as yes you can walk but at any moment you can go more to the left or right than you need to.

"I love you," you murmur to him as he sits you in the passenger seat and buckles you in.

He smiles.

"I love you too, my pretty one," he says to leave a kiss on your forehead and close the door.

And again very soon you find yourselves arriving at the apartment, where a happy Vhagar greets you, while Aemond leaves you on one of the sofas and goes to the kitchen to get you some water and something sweet to make the dizziness go away faster.

"Here you go, love."

"Thanks."

He also takes a seat next to you and you start eating the sweet bread he brought you, while Vhagar climbs up on the couch with both of you as well.

"Do you want to watch a movie before we go to sleep?"

He asks you watching you carefully and you nod with your mouth full.

Aemond turns on the TV and starts searching for something on Netflix, while you're almost done eating and drinking water, honestly starting to feel better without noise and with some food in your stomach.

When Aemond switches from Netflix to HBO to put on your favorite movie, Harry Potter.

And it's not even ten minutes into the movie when you finish eating and all of a sudden you say:

"I want to hug you."

Aemond smiles beside you.

"You can hug me, babe. I'm right here."

And with that you don't need to hear any more, you quickly move towards him.

But Aemond thought you would want to lay your head on his chest and he would want to hug you around the waist so you could watch the movie, however, you sit right on his lap, your arms around his neck and your face hidden, your back to the TV.

That takes him by surprise but he doesn't complain, on the contrary, he pulls you tighter against him, slipping his arms around you to wrap his arms around your waist.

"I'm sorry we left the party so early," you murmur in his ear, apologetic.

"No, it's okay," he murmurs softly and lovingly in your ear too, " This is how I want to be with you. This is how I always want to be."

You let out a long breath, clinging a little tighter to him, leaving a soft kiss on his neck, feeling so loved.

Then, unable to help yourself, you again leave a kiss on his neck, then begin to leave more in a trail down to his cheek and lips, holding his face with one of your hands.

Aemond smiles all the time, especially when you kiss him with so much need and so much passion that you drive him crazy and he kisses you with just the same feeling.

He pulls away from you to catch his breath and you continue kissing his neck, stroking his hair and stirring in his lap, which makes Aemond alarmed hold you tightly by the waist, preventing you from moving too much.

But you continue with your kisses, on his neck, all over his face and finally on his lips, kissing him in a way you have never kissed him before and Aemond corresponds happily.

When your breathing and also his starts to get heavier and your kisses more… needy.

You again want to move on top of him, but Aemond again stops you by stopping you from kissing and watching you with some alertness and also warning.

"Y/N."

"What?"

Again you kiss him, clinging more towards him if possible and Aemond kisses you too.

But your need clearly starts to mean something else and Aemond stops you again the moment you slip one of your hands under his shirt to feel his body.

"No, wait," he murmurs, stopping you from kissing, breathing hard.

"What? What's wrong?"

You look at him confused and he lets out a long breath.

"You're drunk," he says softly, wanting to make you understand.

"Aemond, I'm not drunk," you insist, "I just felt dizzy, that's all."

You look at him with all honesty and clearly with all willingness, but Aemond continues to look at you with some sorrow and hesitation, also a little serious, because he is not quite sure about it.

"Aemond, please…" you plead, bringing one of your hands to his cheek, " I am thinking, I am conscious and believe me I have never been so sober in my life."

He lets out a long breath, pulling his gaze away from yours, that definitely catching your attention and now watching him with confusion and some disappointment.

"Or is it that you…" you are embarrassed in an instant, "you don't want to do it?"

And at this Aemond immediately looks at you again, worried.

"What? No, no, no, it's not that, babe, it's just that….".

He looks at you unsure, while you continue to watch him attentively, wanting to know, your lips parted and swollen, as well as your whole look willing and full of desire, your eyes more than anything else, just the same way he is.

But he can't do it, not this way without first talking it out and you being sure to take that big step.

"Yet you drink and I can't and won't do this if you're not sure."

"But I am," you insist, "I'm more than sure."

And even though you've said so and you're totally showing him how sure and willing you are, he still doesn't feel convinced, watching you carefully and with some regret.

"I promise, I'm very sure," you say again to kiss him again with the same need as before.

And Aemond reciprocates your kiss, but still continuing to hold you tightly around your waist, preventing you from moving and making him lose control completely.

Even he doesn't know why he keeps resisting nor does he know what else he needs to hear from you to do this, but your drinking earlier stops him completely.

He thinks you're telling him you're safe but you may still be influenced by alcohol and that's just what he doesn't want.

But you really are sober. You really want to do this.

You kiss him with such longing, passion and determination, to continue leaving wet kisses all over his neck, making him sigh and even more reason to control himself at that moment.

"Y/N," again he warns you.

"I want this, please," you beg, "I want this so badly," you murmur in his ear, leaving a few more kisses, caressing his abdomen over his shirt, "Let me show you how much."

His words alert you, but in an instant, you pull away just a little from him and remove your shirt, exposing your breasts covered by your black bra, watching him with desire and even with all that willingness.

Aemond holds his breath completely, surprised, watching you seriously, not being able to avoid looking at your breasts just for a second to look you in the eyes again.

"If you don't want to do this, say so now, Aemond," you ask him.

Then you, there in front of him, half naked, makes his gaze darken and his pupil grow larger, filling him completely with desire at the sight of you and definitely unable to resist any longer.

And now it is he who attacks your lips in a needy kiss, wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him, while you respond in the same way, pleased.

You begin to move on top of him and this time he doesn't stop you, no longer able to control the notorious desire in his pants that begins to grow and that you begin to feel, only making you want more.

"You're so pretty," he murmurs against your lips, completely aroused, running his hands down your back, reaching for the clip of your bra.

"You're so beautiful too, Aemond," you reply between kisses, "I love you."

"I love you too."

You do the work for him and remove your bra in one motion, dropping it somewhere on the couch, not really caring.

Aemond grunts, definitely not being able to take it anymore and in an instant he places both of his hands on your ass and lifts you up to get up himself as well, carrying you towards his room, both of you without stopping kissing.

And that night, Aemond caressed every part of you and treated you like the petal of a flower, taking care not to hurt you and making you feel good at all times.

And you loved every moment, clinging to him, kissing his scar and repeating over and over again how much you love him, while he continued to make sure you were okay.

You took all the time in the world, there was nothing rushed and nothing forced, the two of you more than comfortable and letting yourselves be completely carried away by the moment, feeling so loved and so lucky.

That night… Aemond was yours and you were his, completely.

And in the end, you both couldn't have felt better, looking forward to what awaited you next, finally together.

[dylawas-reblogs]

My sperm donor, literally the first chance he gets to see me as soon as he's back: So what's the update on the job hunting? Me:

Me: I am fine and normal

Also me: not getting hired anywhere despite having a degree and I turn 26 next year so I need insurance

Also also me: wildly depressed due to said lack of job hunting success and abusive father's lack of understanding

Also also also me: still stuck living in abusive parent's house, again, due to said lack of full time work

Also also also also me: constantly drowning in tasks beyond work and no longer know how to relax

Also also also also ALSO me: just dodged getting COVID from my mother two weeks ago by fleeing her house, but now my older brother has COVID and there's nowhere for me to go

Also also also also also ALSO ME: All plans to treat myself since abusive father isn't in the country are canceled due to brother's COVID and my potential exposure

ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSO ME: STAYED UP FOR TWO HOURS PAST MIDNIGHT TROUBLESHOOTING WIFI BECAUSE THE ISP SAID THERE WERE NO OUTAGES AND I NEED WIFI TO WORK FROM HOME, ONLY FOR THE ISP TO ANNOUNCE AN OUTAGE ONLY AFTER I CALL MY ABUSIVE PARENT ON VACATION

Me: I AM FINE AND NORMAL I AM FINE AND NORMAL

[lunion]

To be a writter is to drown in endless drafts and honestly, I can see now why finishing something is much harder than starting it.

I planned to write a multi chapter fic and built the skeleton for it. Ok. Turns out that I got a paid internship and I won't have as much time as I hoped I'd have for this, so instead I decided to just write a oneshot.

Now I'm having trouble finishing this oneshot and I can't seem to find a way to write the next scene and I started going over it to see what was wrong and why I couldn't get it to feel right.

Well, turns out I wrote my way out of the desired conclusion,

Context:

This chapter is set in a work place and they have a new hire who's failing spetacularly on every task they give her due to misaligned expectations. Basically, she has a unique skillset because of her abilities, but because they're putting her in "regular" job positions, she's not up to the task because these don't play to her strenghts.

I wanted the conclusion of the chapter to be of the characters realizing the unspoken qualities of new hire and having things improved after they stopped trying to get her to do her job like everyone else and instead using her strenghts to achieve what others couldn't do before.

The problem comes from how I structured the chapter. It was split in 4 scenes.

1: New hire being introduced to the work place 2: New hire shown to be struggling. Lazy colleagues see her failing and are later assigned by their boss to show the ropes to the new hire so she better adapts to the new place. 3: A week of problems later, the colleagues are complaining and discussing convincing the boss to fire the new hire. a third party listens to the conversation and brings attention to how despite the colleagues owns shortcomings, the boss still keeps them because they're resourceful and the boss trusts they can become better employees if given the chance (things which are true) and that they should probably give the benefit of the doubt to the new hire and actually help her better utilize her strenghts to everyone's advantage. 4: The boss and the third party are chatting and observe in the distance the new hire and the colleagues, now having a blast as they creatively solve their previous problems and are now bonding and becoming friends, content at the resolution and seeing everyone thriving.

nothing wrong until you factor in a few hardships I accidentally put myself through.

a) On scene 2, the boss, because they're meticulous and thorough in their work and words, explicitly tells the older employees to keep a close eye and help the new hire to learn the ropes. This causes a problem on scene 3 because then the only way of having the older colleagues still haven't noticed the new hire's qualities now would be willful neglect, be it out of actual disdain for the new hire, which makes the scene much more mean spirited than I'd like, or out of actively ignoring their task, when their laziness is closer to "I'd rather not have to do this" than "I'll ignore work given to me", because the boss would have certainly fired them at this point. The colleagues are meant to be capable, but somewhat uncommited workers, not actual burdens and especially not so self centered that they'd leave a newbie who they had the explicit task of helping to fend off for themselves.

b) On scene 3, they have this talk with the third party, which is meant to help the older employees to realize that they don't know the new hire's skills and that they should give her a chance. The problem is that the third party, at least based on the original draft of the multi chapter story, the third party cannot have (or at least would be weird) to have the insight of "different people can achieve things through different means", because one of the core personality traits of said third party is being very judgemental about their own shortcomings on more "traditional skills", their main character arc revolving around the fact that despite him not being skilled on the traditional skills other people have, his resourcefulness allows him to achieve what others don't.

The reason that's the case it's because this chapter was meant to foreshadow this third party's (who is the main character of the main arc of the story) journey about realizing that even if he isn't capable like the others, he's no less capable than others, because there are many ways to make a meaningful change in the world besides the more obvious, ableist ways. Having him tell other characters of the lesson he's supposed to learn at the end of his own journey sounds a bit weird to be.

So this whole situation leaves me in a conundrum. I like how my characters are characterized and the only way to make the draft work right now is by removing the boss's meticulousness, which breaks characterization, having the older employees be too lazy or mean, which also breaks characterization or having a character be way more insightful on a life lesson he has no business being this aware of.

Of course, technically, I could scrap this scene and start it from scratch to solve these problems so I'm not confined to the chapter planning I already made, but at this point, the reason I quit the multi chapter idea was not having enough time for that. if I had to start over, then I might just scrap it.

Not sure if I'm looking for solutions or venting, but I thought it'd be interesting to share.

[compassionatereminders]

I had an argument with a friend. He keeps reminding me how lucky I am that I get an allowance monthly and that "I get to be picky with the job I want to have or if I even want one." And while that's true, I'm very aware of that to the point that I feel guilty for the privilege, he knows this. I asked him why he thinks I don't work. He responded with "because you're not. You're a full time student" I interpreted that as him saying I'm not working because I am a full time student, I said that other full time students work though. He quite harshly and passive aggressively said that "he's sorry that he didn't realize that I represent all other full time students" and that I should just "carry on and do whatever." I explained my point of view as to why I said that to which he just said that he never claimed that that's why I don't work and I should "read the message in full." Throughout his texts he has the emojis 🙄 and 😒 spread around. I didn't respond. He sent me another message hours after apologizing for "being a bit harsh." I also haven't responded to that. I'm annoyed, hurt and frustrated. Am I wrong for how I interpreted the message and how I'm feeling? I was already having a bad day. Me asking why he thinks I don't work was to see if he remembers what I told him; I can't simultaneously work and study without my mental health going under. I feel extremely guilty for not being homeless, being able to afford food, getting a hefty allowance and my parent paying for insurance. And yet he always sees everything in such black and white or pragmatic terms. I know I'm lucky. I want to work, I want to work so badly but I can't. Everyone in my social circle works and I'm just not able to handle it. It hurts to constantly be reminded of this and "how lucky I am." I don't allow myself so many things because I haven't earned the money myself. I'm 27 and only ever babysat and did one internship in my field. I feel so fucking guilty and lazy all the time.

Okay, to me it sounds like this conflict is more about your insecurities getting triggered than about your friend objectively being mean. So maybe what you need to do is calmly communicate that you know you're lucky, but that it's triggering for you to constantly be reminded of "how lucky you are", because it's actually a more complex situation with more factors than pure luck playing into why you aren't working also. I think communicating this clearly is likely to be more productive than continuing to argue about it to the point of getting hurt and upset. I also think that the guilt you seem to be feeling due to not currently being forced to work is completely out of proportion, and that this might be why it isn't obvious to your friend why this discussion is hurting you so much

[elliethejellie]

The Lovebug Virus - Chapter 1: KitKat

Yandere! Sun and Moon x Reader

Masterlist || Prologue || Chapter 2

*****

"And be sure to continue to practice reading Python, class. Your first major project is coming up in the next month," the professor says as the class begins packing up their stuff. You find yourself sighing heavily as you put your laptop away in your bag. This upcoming project will be the least of your worries if you can't keep going to school here.

"Hey, chipmunk," a deeper voice calls from a few tables away. You smile as your best friend, Kat, makes her way over to you rather quickly.

"What's up, KitKat?" you ask, slinging your bag over your shoulder and making your way out of the classroom with her in tow. She huffs before smiling wide and shoving her shoulder into yours.

"Sooo? Going to the party tonight?" she nudges for the millionth time in the past few days. You sigh just as you had all the other times. But before you can reject the invitation, Kat continues. "Come on, meatball! You haven't gone out with me since the first few months of school! I hear it's going to be huge because it's the official start of football season!"

You bite the inside of your cheek to hold back another sigh. You don't have any real reason not to go, and you hated having to let Kat down over and over like you had been. And plus, she did have a point. The two of you hadn't gone out together since the first couple of months of school, back in June when you first moved in together off-campus. Then, you two hadn't been as close. But a wild night at the local bar had brought you closer than anything, and you've been through everything together since. And with both of you going to school for engineering, you spent almost every day helping each other out with schoolwork.

You roll your head back as the two of you make your way out to your shared car. Kat leans on top of the car and contorts her face into an awkward pout that very much does not suit her features. It makes you laugh. "Fiiiine, but you owe me," you finally say, before climbing into the driver's seat.

The ride back to the apartment is filled with Kat's hopes to get laid by some sporty girl at the party, while your mind wanders to your very uncertain future. You haven't had the guts to tell Kat that you were fired from your job at the local bikini bar last week. Apparently, you were "too shy" and that made the guests "uncomfortable." Luckily, you were good enough with your money that you have the funds to keep paying the utilities at the apartment. But you can't continue to go to school if you can't find another job. 

The search has been unsuccessful so far, with absolutely nobody seemingly hiring within a thirty-mile radius that had decent pay. You would think that within a city as large as this, there would be plenty of reasonable options, but every single job listing continued to prove  the opposite. One had even basically described an unpaid internship, but it threw so many big, fancy words into the job description that if you weren't so smart, you would have certainly fallen for it.

You pull into your designated parking space and the two of you make your way up to the apartment, Kat still rambling on (although now she talks of some soft girl she met in one of her other classes). You unlock the door and head inside, Kat immediately going to make herself something to eat, while you retreat to your room. Once the door is closed, you throw your backpack onto the floor and flop down onto your bed. Between job hunting and school, you haven't had a moment to just relax and let go. Why does being an adult have to be so hard? Well, it probably isn't this hard for most people with the support of their family. But you just didn't have that luxury...

You sit up and drag your backpack to the edge of your bed, retrieving your laptop and resuming your search. You can't give up this easily and you've got a few hours before you have to start getting ready for the party anyways, so you might as well spend it being productive.

*****

"Oh wow," Kat says, stepping out of the car and ogling at the sheer mass of people surrounding the house in front of the two of you. She decided on a loose-fitting dark tank top with baggy lightwash jeans. You, on the other hand, had decided to stick with your usual oversized band tee and shorts. It's your go to outfit because it sorta makes you look like you're not as uptight as you feel you always are. But you seriously second guess your decision as you watch a group of girls wearing tight clothing or close to nothing at all walk past you.

Nobody will notice you. You look like a damn prude.

"Are you sure this is just a normal house party?" you ask nervously as Kat grabs your hand and drags you towards the front door. She laughs.

"Oh shush, meatball, you're going to make some friends with me today," she says once you guys step through the doorway.

"You mean I'm going to cower away in a corner while you find some girl to fuck around with?"

Kat glares at you playfully as she leads you to the kitchen. An assortment of different punch bowls line the countertop and several open bags of various snacks litter whatever remaining space there is. Despite this being where all the alcohol is, it is quieter here. You ponder spending the entire time sitting at the dining table and zoning into your phone. Kat narrows her eyes at you, as if reading your thoughts.

"Come on, please don't be like this. You need a break, so just let go and have some fun, okay?" When you don't respond, she grabs one of the red plastic cups and fills it to the brim with one of the mystery drinks before shoving into your hand and repeating the process for herself. She lifts hers up in front of you. "To a good night," she says, smiling.

You can't help but sigh and join in. "To a good night," you say, connecting the cup with hers before taking a long swig of the red liquid. It's pretty awful, tasting very vaguely of fruit punch but the taste is practically drowned out by the sheer amounts of vodka. It stings on the way down, but you find comfort in the warmth that follows. "Okay, I'll try to make some friends."

"Atta girl!" Kat says. "If you need anything, just text me, okay? My phone isn't on silent so if I don't respond, feel free to call!" She disappears out of the kitchen doorway and leaves you to your own searching. Maybe you could let loose and have some fun for once. Whatever is in this drink surely is fast acting, because you feel lighter already as you force your way through the mass of young adults, drunk or high off their asses. There's a sliding glass door into the backyard, and you can make out the faint glow of pool lighting from where you stood inside. Target spotted.

You head into the backyard and are relieved to feel the cool air on your skin again. The music is muffled out here, and the few people that are in the pool seem to be enjoying the cool water instead of being complete idiots. There's a group of people sitting around a fire pit, and you decide to join them.

For most of the party, you actually enjoy yourself. The group you approached was more than happy to let you join them, and they talked of some pretty interesting things, much to your surprise. You haven't seen Kat since the two of you split earlier, but you assume she must be fine since she hasn't texted you at all. 

Suddenly, you hear some playful screams coming from the back door. One of the bigger guys is laughing, surrounded by a rather large group of people, carrying none other than Kat herself.

"Put me down!" she screams, but there's a large, goofy smile plastered across her face that makes you relax a bit. The guy seems satisfied by her reaction.

"Aw what's wrong?" the blonde guy standing next to the fiasco says. "I thought you were just 'one of the guys' huh? Then surely you'd be fine doing what we normally do!"

And before you can even process his words, the guy holding Kat throws her into the pool.

You stand immediately, worry plastered across your face. But Kat emerges unscathed, and... laughing?

The other guys jump into the pool as well, and you notice a shy looking girl giggling from one of the lawn chairs. Something clicks in your head and you realize it was nothing more than a ploy to allow Kat to be noticed by that girl. You roll your eyes, but feel something pull at your heart. 

Why can't you be more like her? She gets the attention of everybody. And here you are, hiding away with some quiet people that you'll never talk to again instead of partying.

You sigh and excuse yourself to refill your drink. Once inside the kitchen again, one of the guys you had seen outside seems to have had the same idea, because he steps into the kitchen right as you try to leave it, promptly spilling your fresh drink across your shirt. "Oh, fuck, I'm so sorry bro, I didn't even see you," he slurs, reaching for a roll of paper towels and ripping off a few. 

You begin sopping up the liquid the best you can. After a moment, you realize the guy hasn't left. He's actually staring at you. "Is there something you need?" you ask, looking up at him with an annoyed expression.

Way to go, if he had anything nice to say, he probably won't say it now.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" he asks, brows furrowed in thought. It throws you off.

"I-I.. Probably n-not.." you stutter.

"Wait, yeah I do! You're that bitch from the bikini bar! Oh fuck, what did we call you? Uh.." He snaps his fingers. "Timid Tammy!" he says, seemingly proud of himself for remembering.

You feel your cheeks burn. Timid Tammy? That's what everyone had been calling you? An overwhelming surge of emotions overcomes you as you push past the guy, embarrassment tickling the back of your neck. 

See? You're nothing but a prude. Why can't you be normal like everyone else? 

The guy seems to find the entire situation rather comical, however, following you back to the backyard. Before you can get Kat's attention, he starts yelling at the guys in the pool.

"Bro! Look who's here! It's Timid Tammy!" Several of the guys pop their heads up in curiosity, different levels of amusement plastered across their faces. Kat locks eyes with you, immediately sensing your discomfort and begins getting out of the pool. She grabs her discarded clothes and tries her best to rush you out of the party before anyone can continue mocking you, glaring and insulting anyone she can on the way out. You don't exactly enjoy the amount of attention she's drawing to the two of you but god, what would you do without her?

You don't deserve her friendship. What have you ever done for her? You're even lying to her right now.

Once safely in the passenger seat of the car, you fall into a fit of tears. Kat begins the drive back home, unsure of what to say for a while as she lets you break down. You hate that you had to work at that stupid bar. 

But you loved the attention, you stupid whore.

Does Kat think you're nothing but a slut for working there? Why couldn't you just get a normal job like her, being a security guard or something? 

Because that's all you're good for. Your body gets the attention. Nobody cares about your mind.

"Hey, chipmunk," Kat says slowly, interrupting your negative self talk. You can't help but feel slightly grateful for the break of silence. There's nothing you hate more than silence. "Whatcha thinkin' about?"

You scoff before you have much of a chance to think about it. "Oh, nothing. Just the fact that I'm good for nothing but my body. But even that's not good enough because I'm not outgoing and friendly like you." Kat flinches at your words, making you immediately regret them. "I-I'm sorry."

"No, you're angry. And rightfully so. What they said back there was fucked up, girl." She pulls into the gate to your apartment complex, parks, turns off the lights, but doesn't shut off the car. Instead, she turns to you. "Why do you even work there if you hate it so much?" she asks, and you shrink back under her curious gaze. Guess you don't really have much of a choice but to tell her now.

"W-Well, that's the thing... I kinda don't anymore?" The statement sounds more like a question with the way you say it, and Kat's curiosity turns to confusion.

"What? Did you quit?" You shake your head. "Seriously? They fired you? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know how," you say sheepishly.

Kat puts her face in her hands for a moment. "So what have you been paying the utilities with?"

You slide further down into your seat. "M-My savings..."

The brunette takes a deep breath before speaking again. She grabs your hands and locks her blue eyes with yours. "Y/N, I'm going to ask my brother if there's any openings at the Pizzaplex. And if there is, you're going to take it. I assume since you're dipping into your savings, you can't afford anything for class?" You nod. "Yeah, I'm sure there's gotta be something in the plex that needs help. There's always something open. I just wish you would have said something, girl. You know I'm here for you."

You feel small under her gaze. Stupid. Childish. She always knows exactly what to do, and you always shut her out when you need her most. God, why haven't you just gotten a therapist yet? Oh, right. Can't afford one. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, KitKat," you whisper, feeling tears stinging your eyes again. Kat only smiles. 

"Shush, none of that. For now, lets go eat some ice cream or something and fall asleep watching a Disney movie."

"But you hate Disney movies."

"But you love them," she retorts. You smile and she finally shuts the engine off.

*****

A/N: So, the first chapter! Ahhh! I know, there's no Sun or Moon yet, but be patient, my lovlies. I meant it when I said slow burn. I have so many good ideas for this book. But it was absolutely necessary that I set up your good friendship with Kat first, so you don't underestimate how much she cares about you! Oh, and yay for trauma!! Gotta love that negative self-talk, am I right?? 

Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed, and stay tuned for chapter two, because that's when you get to meet Sun! Until next chapter, my lovelies~

[truexnfootball]

Hi all I'm back.

So I have a lot to unpack here some sad, some happy.

Unfortunately, my best friend, Robin passed away May of 2023. She had breast cancer and went into hospice not too long after I visited her at our friend's house.

I've decided to keep riding at my old barn and quit the new one because the lady was getting rude and was only judging me when I was just doing what I thought was correct. Others were doing what I was doing and they didn't get corrected.

I adopted another cat (no surprise there) so now I have 3.

We got our heads out of water with our finances. Slowly, but surely, were getting back on our feet.

I started a welding job with my neighbor. And I'm taking an internship for my senior year this summer.

I broke up with my toxic ex boyfriend and haven't been with anyone else. I'm taking time for myself to think of I'm ready to love another man or stay in my delulu world of these celebrities I can't have haha.

I have a crush on one guy who's 4 years older than me (21) so I might shoot my shot later this year.

Im gonna be honest with y'all, that about it. I promised a Cowboy Travis Kelce and dammit I'm gonna give it to you. I'm going to get right to work on it soon. I love you all and haven't forgotten a single one. Have a blessed/good day, whichever you prefer!

[our-magical-world]

❀ My Ace Attorney DR ❀

NOTE: I haven't shifted yet, this is based on my script and ideas for this DR

I come from a family of musicians, but for some reason I decided to study Law (*insert backstory I haven't thought/remembered yet*) and start an internship as Edgeworth's assistant. I wasn't really expecting he'd accept me when I applied, because I had heard he liked working alone and didn't take assistants or interns, but I looked up to him and had to try anyway, and shomehow I get the job. When Edgeworth is accused of murder, I help Phoenix and Maya investigate and prepare for the trial, and we become good friends. Maggey also becomes my best friend, just because she's my favorite character and I say so. Now, in my DR Edgeworth doesn't leave right after his trial, he does it later and in different circumstances so I can spend more time with him and it's not as traumatic when he leaves (I'm changing the timeline a little bit but still keeping the major events).

After Edgeworth disappears, I end up working as Phoenix's assistant. We get along really well and make a great team along with Maya, who is like a little sister to me. For some reason I also scripted Phoenix loves karaoke, just like me (don't ask...), we often see each other at karaoke bars from the beginning and then we start going together on purpose (usually with Larry, Maggey and other friends). As in all my other realities, I'm a good singer and music is an important part of my life. I also play the piano, maybe other instruments too, I had a good musical education. Phoenix becomes my karaoke buddy, and we both end up participating in a big karaoke contest with several rounds and competing in the finals.

I may or may not end up dating Edgeworth and/or Phoenix... I can't choose, I love them so much. I have many little scenarios in my head for both of them and I wouldn't want to let them go to waste.

[shadowvalkyrie]

I've been thinking long and hard recently on whether I can maybe afford a job change to get away from the generic office drone drudgery.

But the sad truth is that while I could probably bridge a year or two on a training salary at this point, I honestly don't know what career I'd be working towards.

I haven't had a "dream job" since I was five and wanted to be an astronaut, before I knew what that would actually entail.

And nowadays I can't think of anything that is both suited to my talents and enjoyable to do. (Because for some reason there is very little overlap between these things for me personally.)

I like translation work, but I see in my current job, where I do it as an occasional favour for the Marketing team, that this field has been mostly taken over by AI and all you get to do is basically proofread a machine translation.

I love being outside, but I have spring allergies and in summer the heat would take me out of commission on anything more strenuous than sitting in the shade.

I would like to work with animals, but all of those jobs are completely overrun.

I would also want to do something that doesn't involve other people, but that's almost impossible nowadays.

Back in school I did an internship with the local forester, because that seemed perfect (strolling through the woods with my dog! tackling environmental issues!), only to find out that most of the work was negotiating felling quotas and timber prices with local farmers and the conservation work included tasks like "teach school kids about ecosystems".

And everything is like that. At a closer look, every job that seems remotely tempting reveals itself to be even worse than the office admin. Even lighthouses are run by computers nowadays, and the lighthouse keepers have to run B&Bs and souvenir shops and play tourist guide.

It feels like there's no real space for loners in this world anymore.

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Be My Valentine | Ch- 3  Turbulent Traditions

pairing: Vernon x fem!reader

genre: fluff, angst, slight crack, friends to lovers, non-idol!au, college au

summary: College was hard enough and the thought of spending Valentine’s Day alone and sad was not your style. And the best solution was to go on a platonic date with your best friend Vernon. It goes so well that it becomes a tradition until it gets messy… nothing ever goes wrong by pretend-dating your best friend right?

prev chapter | masterlist | next chapter

status: ongoing

a/n: This is almost entirely angst and I tried my best to write it. Let me know your feedback and thoughts.

warning: time jump (almost a year), swearing

pictures from Pinterest!

"Another one bites the dust huh."

You groan from your spot on the floor in the middle of the living room in the apartment you share with your friend, Olivia. Now that you were in your senior year and both of you had part-time jobs, you decided to move out of the crusty dorm room. It is barely enough for both of you but it works as it is close to your university and your respective internships.

Life has been filled with the highest of highs and lowest of lows in the last year. You managed to stay on top of almost all your courses, your internship was going great albeit strenuous, but it gave you the freedom to live where you want and achieve all your dreams. Well, all but one that is.

While it has only been highs in the academic, career and friendship aspects of your life; it has been nothing but an exponential downfall in your love life. From jocks to nerds, online dating to blind date setup from friends- you'd tried it all, but luck was not on your side. It was either a disappointment, heartbreak, or a combination of it all. You had sworn off men since freshman year but the platonic Valentine's Day date with Vernon had left you craving romantic validation and you started putting yourself out there.

You heavily regret that decision now as you stare at the ceiling trying your best to not puke as you remember the most recent... mess up.

"Can't believe he, of all people, had you wrapped around his finger ." You hear Olivia's voice come from the sofa again.

You get up from the floor slowly and glare at her. "I am not proud of it either Liv. But," You put your hands in your hair and tug at it in frustration, "he sweet-talked the shit out of me in that New Year's party. What a fucking idiot I was... UGH!"

She sighs and you feel her move from the couch, sit down next to you and wrap an arm around you.

"Hey... babe look at me." You turn to face her as she wears the pained and sympathetic expression that you knew all too well by now.

"I'm sorry this keeps happening to you but please know none of it was your fault. Okay, maybe choosing idiots is your fault but it's still not a big deal. Don't beat yourself up over douchebags okay?" She sounds soft and empathising and you just nod as you hug her. Both of you stay in the embrace for a moment or two before she pulls away to face you.

"What's Vernon's opinion on this?"

Another groan leaves you. "I haven't told him."

"You haven't told him about the breakup or about even the relationship," both of you pretend-gag, " Sorry I meant the 2-week situationship or whatever," she says with her hands vaguely flailing around to depict just how vague and annoying the whole ordeal had been.

"I haven't told him abt the whole thing." She raises her eyebrow as you give a guilty smile. "Y/n come on. That's not..."She shakes her head unable to finish the sentence, which both of you know would sound hurtful and true.

"I know... I know Liv. I messed up. But I just couldn't say it. It never goes well when I bring up my dating life. And if I tell him how it ended now, he'd flip out." She rolls her eyes and you brace yourself for the harsh truth that you know is coming- because that is what you and Liv do for each other, although you have been at the receiving end of harsh truths a lot more recently.

"Y/n are you-" she breaks off in the middle and sighs. "You know what, never mind. No matter how many times I say, you're gonna be in your own denial. So yeah do what you want to."

Without waiting for your response she gets up and goes to the kitchen. You sigh and follow her there. "Liv come on, you know that's not what this is. Will you please stop trying to convince me that Vernon likes me." She turns from the stove and looks pointedly at you.

"Yeah sure keep believing it."

You sigh knowing this is a losing battle so you leave her to be with a frustrated sigh. Sure things had been slightly different between Vernon and you since last year's platonic date and he keeps snapping at you every time you tried to talk to him about any of the guys you liked or were dating. And without fail, every single time, he would tell you that he warned you about not making bad choices. All that you got from this was he was being needy and also a good sensible friend. Olivia has convinced herself is proof that Vernon loves you. She's technically been on this agenda since sophomore year when she claims to have seen the "look of love" on Vernon's face during a party night.

Cute story, but not real. Hopefully not.

When overthinking starts clouding your mind, you do the only thing you can right now- avoid thinking by sleeping.

--------

"Hey, y/n wake up."

You open your eyes to see a very concerned Liv staring at you. "What happened?" you ask groggily.

"Vernon is here."

"WHAT?" She just nods in response and you immediately jump from the bed and straighten your hair before heading to the living room.

He is sitting on the couch in his signature black hoodie staring at his feet with his back to you. You consider running back into your room and jumping out the window for a minute. But you don't.

"Hey," You see him turn around and give a tight-lipped smile.

"Hey, y/n. Can we talk in your room?" he says as he gets up from the sofa and you nod as you look at Liv, who is smiling at you with sympathy and confusion.

Once you're both in your room, he settles down on your chair near the desk and you sit on the edge of the bed.

"You haven't changed anything in the room since you moved in and that was months ago." He notes assessing your room and turning to face you.

"I was busy."

"Dating douchebags." He says it silently as if hoping you'd not hear but unfortunately for both, you did hear it.

"What?" He looks up at your sharp tone and slightly winces when he sees your glare.

Sighing he says, "I heard." You roll your eyes. "And I suppose you are here to give another lecture on my 'horrendous decision-making skills'."

He looks at you for a minute, air-quotes and all, gets up and sits next to you on the bed as he takes your hand in his. "I'm sorry." You turn your head in surprise. "For what?"

"For being an asshole of a friend and driving you away. It didn't feel good hearing about you getting hurt from a third person and I know it's my fault."

You sigh and give him a small smile, leaning your head on his shoulder. "I am too. Wasn't entirely your fault. And... I agree."

"Huh?" You look up at his confused face turned toward where your head is on his shoulder.

"I agree that I do date douchebags." He laughs and you follow suit.

It was always easy with Vernon. Sure you both fight a lot, especially since your dating drama has been on a high. Both of you are loose-lipped and say things you don't mean but you always did go back to each other at the end. You don't think you could ever go without talking to Vernon for more than two or three days no matter how angry or scared you are. And neither can he.

"You've been busy." You tell him, now playing with the band he's wearing on his wrist. "Kind of, I guess. I just had a hard time balancing all the assignments, coding tournaments and of course, my internship."

You hum in acknowledgement. "You work too hard Vernon."

"Hmmm maybe. But if I don't. then who's gonna buy you the things you want?" You scoff at his words, "As if!"

He raises his left eyebrow with a smirk playing on his face.

"Alright, then I won't give you this." You eye him for a minute weighing the possibility of it being a mere prank but then curiosity gets the best of you.

"Give me what?" His smirk grows bigger and reaches into his pocket, takes out a small piece of paper and hands it to you.

No way.

"Vernon, did you just get me passes to the club I've been trying to get into for monthsssss!" You exclaim as your jaw dropped to the floor and his smile now lights up his whole face.

"I got us both in. I figured it would be a good gift plus our annual date is in two more weeks anyway." He explains shrugging.

"Oh My God! This is going to be amazing! I can almost forget that it will be Valentine's Day!" You scream as you hug him and get up to excitedly jump around the room.

"Why are you always a Valentine's Grinch," he says with a small laugh and you stick your tongue at him, too happy to bicker.

---------------

The two weeks since Vernon gifted the club tickets passed by in a blink. Everything went smoothly at uni, at work and at home. Once again you find yourself swearing off love during the month of love (the pattern is not good, is it!), but it feels less annoying with the knowledge of having tickets to the hottest club in town.

The same knowledge plagues you currently as you throw away the tenth outfit from your cupboard onto the bed as you deem it "too gaudy" for the night. Vernon told you it was okay to show up in whatever you feel good but what does he know about fashion. Plus, he looked annoyingly good in almost everything. For someone who is extremely quiet and a nerd who is slightly insane, he has a surprising number of fans. Most of them get harshly rejected when voicing out their interest to him, he really is insane.

"Still didn't find an outfit?" Liv pokes her head through your room door and takes in the state of your room's avalanche-level mess. You shake your head negatively with a pout which makes her sigh. She enters the room and brings in two hangers of clothes with her. Your eyes grow wider in shock as you see two of your favourite dresses from Liv's closet.

Before she can begin to explain, you run to meet her in the middle and grab the black satin dress she has in her left hand.

"Hey! I didn't even say you can take it!" She says with mock anger which only makes you sheepishly laugh.

"Well, what are friends for if not sharing Livieee..." You coo in what is hopefully a cute tone.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. But don't you dare ruin it." She warns and you nod your head. "Got it. Thank you, Liv."

"Buy me food later. Now go and enjoy your date." This earns a glare from you and she corrects herself with an eye roll. "Oh right, your 'platonic' Valentine's Day date at the hottest club with your 'best friend'." The air quotes are way too exaggerated and you push her out of the room before you question everything again.

Why didn't you question things more, you think as you try your best to not freeze in the short satin dress and jean jacket on your way to the club. Vernon had insisted on picking you up but you refused stating that the club was only a couple blocks away. Now you understand that being the passenger princess is always the right option, especially when dressed in the shortest possible clothes in the middle of a cold February.

You see Vernon standing in front of the club, a few steps away and wave at him. He doesn't wave back. He looks like he has frozen on the spot, even though he is covered from top to bottom in winter-appropriate clothes- a stunning jacket with a plain black t-shirt and his favourite pair of ripped jeans. You eventually reach him and he seems to finally come back to life.

"Did you get a frostbite or something right now?" You question as you punch him in the arm slightly. "Uh, no no. Just lost in thought. But you look like you are gonna freeze if we don't go in right now."

"Yes, please. I need warmth." You say as you both rush into the club.

The club is all you expected it to be in terms of ambience but it was definitely far too crowded for your liking and before you could start feeling claustrophobic you felt Vernon's voice near your ears.

"I got us VIP passes, let's go up." You gawk at him with wide eyes knowing that would've cost a lot and let him guide you to the far less crowded area upstairs with more space and fewer people. He leads you both to a table with a semi-covered booth where you both settle down next to each other. Even without your jacket on you feel a lot warmer and better now.

Both of you get started with a set of cocktails to get the night started. Time goes on as you switch between drinking, dancing on the floor and convincing Vernon to join you. Eventually, you give up on making Vernon dance and head off to the dance floor to enjoy some alone time dancing.

But the thought immediately gets squashed as you see a tall, dark-haired man on the dance floor near you. He's built like a literal Greek god but something about how his hair falls in soft curls on the side of his face and he smiles at you to make you feel like he's a good man. But then again you are inebriated so let's not be hasty about your questionable decision-making skills. The very same skills that lead you to move toward him and extend your hand for a dance. He looks between your hand, and your face and gives you a bedazzling smile before accepting your offer.

As you both start swaying to the beat, you feel his hands roam over your waist and you hold onto his shoulders. You feel light, not thinking much- just enjoying dancing with this hot piece of a man on a good day in a hot outfit. It feels good and so you let him hold you like this and keep dancing. You were slightly out of focus and don't notice that his hands are slowly moving to spots you would feel uncomfortable had you been a little more conscious. You were a little too caught up in the vibe that you break out of it when you feel a harsh pull and stumble into another pair of arms before you can fall flat on your ass.

"What the-" Your words die in your throat as you see one man throwing a solid punch at the one in front of you. You blink twice to get rid of the haze and realise that Vernon had punched the stranger while holding onto you with his other hand.

A very drunk, red-faced and unstable-looking Vernon.

Your senses take over before the much taller and definitely stronger man can punch Vernon and you step in. "Hey, I- I'm so sorry. I don't know why my friend did that. I am sorry. Just let him go, he must've drank a lot. Sorry."

The bigger guy retreats at your words with a glare toward Vernon and the people around go back to their business. You drag Vernon by his arm to the nearest door which led to a balcony.

"Y/n I-" You slap him before he says another word and it silences him as he put his head down.

Even though you are confused and pissed off, you still love Vernon- because he is your best friend, so you move to caress the cheek you slapped. When he eventually looks up you can see that he is still slightly drunk but not too far gone.

"What the hell was that Vernon?"

He blinks at you for a second. "I'm sorry."

"You should be. But why the fuck did you do that?" He sighs in frustration and runs his fingers through his hair as he steps back. You stand there searching his face for some kind of answer.

"I- It's so annoying how easily I lose control when it comes to you. Ugh!" He punches the wall in frustration as he says this and you are too scared to move. You have never seen Vernon lose his patience in all three-plus years of knowing him and this was him in pure rage.

Even though you are scared you still try to calm him down by turning him to face you. "Vernon, please don't hurt yourself. Tell me what happened." Your voice comes in a broken plea and it makes him look at you and your wet eyes.

"What happened?" He grunts again. "Are you kidding me Y/N! How can you be so reckless all the time? Do you not realise how messed up it could get!"

"What are you even saying?" You hear yourself begin to shout, completely sober and confused now.

He gives a dry chuckle. "That guy was feeling you up the whole time. Did you not even realise that?"

All you can do is blink at him. He stares at your confused expression and you see his rage turn into something sullen- you're not sure if it's worse or better. When he speaks again his voice is an octave deeper and strained.

"Why do you keep putting yourself in danger's way all the damn time? Don't trust every guy you see Y/N. It fucking pisses me off to see you go off with every loser on the planet. You have no clue how much it sucks to see you get hurt by every idiot and keep putting yourself down. You're such a smart, amazing and gorgeous woman and you let all those bozos make you question your worth. As much as I just hate the idea of you with someone else I at least wish it were with guys who know to treat you right. The way I-" he throws his head and takes a shaky breath," You know what, never mind."

"Oh my god Vernon. It was just a dance in a club. Of course, his hands were on me, and so was mine. Why are you so worked over this like you are in love with me or something."

You are ready to laugh at the ridiculous suggestion you made but the sound gets caught in your throat when you see him freeze and his eyes widen like a deer caught in headlights.

Oh?

Oh...

Shit.

[thebreakfastgenie]

misc. tag game...

Thank you @the-cinnamontography-is-amazing for tagging me!!

a band you don’t like that many others do:

The Killers. To be fair I only know one of their songs but I hate Mr. Brightside.

a childhood memory that you remember vividly:

Watching Rugrats in Paris on the TV in my friend Christi's parents' room.

least favorite animal and why:

Mosquitoes. Maybe they're necessary for the ecosystem but like are we sure?

hot fandom take:

The dominance of M/M slash cannot be separated from misogyny. That's not to say you must write about women if that's not what you're interested in, that just produces bad results anyway. But you don't only love male characters and M/M ships in a vacuum. We're just more primed by everything in society to see men as people with interiority. And you can't blame female characters being underdeveloped and poorly written because there are so many underdeveloped poorly written male characters who have been turned into blorbos. Misogyny is systemic and it affects everything, including fandom and shipping.

do you wear any jewelry, if so, what’s your favorite piece:

I don't wear any regularly but I do wear it! I was trying to wear earrings more often but I haven't been doing that much the last couple months... I should really start again. My favorite piece of jewelry I own, besides the Bead, is a tourmaline ring my grandma left me in her will! Unfortunately all my rings are a little loose right now and I'm paranoid about losing them so I don't wear them much.

a movie others liked but you didn’t:

The Lord of the Rings. I'm a fan of the books, but I don't like the movies.

three things you love about yourself:

My chaotic creativity

My high standards for my work

My niche, eclectic taste

a place you hope to visit in the future and why:

Oceania!! I've always wanted to go there it just looks so beautiful and interesting!

an actor that gets on your nerves and why:

Dakota Johnson. I have no reason I just don't like her.

things you’re excited for in the nearby future?:

I'm going to New York on Saturday to see Spamalot!!!

least favorite ship in a fandom you’re in:

beejhawk 😇 also CJ/Toby

what’s the most toxic fandom you’ve been in?:

Hamilton. It was actually fun in the beginning but then it exploded and shortly thereafter became the worst cesspit I've ever experienced.

list three things you find beautiful about life:

food

cats

sunny days

any dreams for the future?

Right now I really want this internship I'm applying for. Mostly I want to get my degree and get a job. Have a living situation where I can decorate the kitchen however I want. Travel. Write a book.

how are you really feeling today?

I felt bad for most of the day, the usual drowsy/headache thing I've had going on all week, but I feel okay now!

Tagging anyone who wants to do it, please tag me if you do so I can see it!! I'm just too tired to tag people personally. <3

[angstigone]

rant about work

I have already ranted about this but it just further brew into me.

I am not going to lie, I can't wait to be finished with this job I am working.

it has been enriching and shit, but at the same time I have been working since april and just saw two paychecks (one of which was just partial); idk whether I'll get the august one before the end of august, as I was supposed to perceive it today but I didn't.

the whole system will go on holiday soon so I doubt I'll have anything before september and it'd be fine, if it wasn't the fact that they didn't tell me; like I was informed that the first paycheck would be in june because it's from public funds and for administrative shit they couldn't access before.

which is fine.

but in this case I wasn't informed and this pisses me off because I had shit to do as technically august is the month I don't have to worry about groceries or such as I am staying with my parents so although silly things - like doing my hair, going to a spa or getting some jewelry - I wanted to buy something with that money. had I known that I wouldn't be paid I'd have probably saved money or such.

I also worry a bit because basically for the moment I haven't had stuff to pay off for the house and I worry whether I'll have to.

like make no mistake: thankfully my parents are happy to support me, as they understood this work is an internship but I find it a bit humiliating and annoying, especially when it isn't a situation that's wholly on me as I have constantly done my work.

I low key hope that by max next week I'll have the paycheck but oh well, ugh, I honestly doubt it and this frustrates me to no end.

[rosalesbeausderholle]

I genuinely don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know if it's due to being too much on That Damn Phone TM or some type of ADHD or both or neither but I've been suffering for so many years. At first I thought it was just my depression which made it hard to keep focused (which coincided with my final years in highschool which were the only ones where I really had to spend any extended period of time studying, before that I had enough with half an hour of studying) but then I got better and I still couldn't pay attention to anything anymore.

I am unable to start studying for any subject until it was 10 pm the previous night. It takes two pages to lose my concentration. I am unable to finish a project until 6 a-fucking-m the day it is due. How did I make it through uni with relatively good grades? Who the fuck knows? I spend hours and hours and hours working but 80% of that time is lost because first I have to fight against myself to not let my mind wander. I end up in a panic whenever I have three tasks at the same time. I've tried everything under the sun, every app, every method, every reward system.

This year wasn't the first year I had a job, but it was the first year where I had a job AND studied AND had an internship thing at the same time. I feel like I haven't had a single moment of rest since October. I had to do extra hours to finish my work tasks because I couldn't concentrate on them during work hours, which took time from my university homework hours which took time from my internship hours on and on and on. The last two weeks of last semester I was sleeping 3 hours a night. Working on finishing my papers from 6 am to 3 am, only to barely write anything the whole day because again 80% of the battle is against my brain.

I thought this semester would be different, I only have two classes, my job and my thesis, how bad can it be? Well, here I am, 40 days to handing my thesis in. I still only have 10 pages out of 60 (aiming for 30 this weekend though because I'm delusional and my mom will pay me cash money for it).

And I've gone to different therapists and psychiatrists and they're all like "well it technically can't be ADHD because the difficulties started when you were 16" and yeah technically and I'm sure social media addiction did not help at all but like the only reason the difficulties started when I was 16 was because I never needed to actually study before. Like I could learn everything from one reading because it was easy to me. As for homework, if I could get away with it I did wait until the very last day to do it. The days in which I didn't do that was when I did my homework while my mom (who is a teacher) tutored my cousins so we did all our homework together. Even now I need her to help me stay focused by setting me challenges to finish on time.

I don't know, I hope desperately that with some medicine this would be better, but I'm tired I'm so tired of this being my life, I'm convinced I'll end up having a heart attack just from sheer stress. I don't know what to do anymore.

[solittles]

long private post for mutuals abt what's going on and why im not here etc

i graduate in three days n everything's too much. this last year has been rough with my personality disorder, now with a new paranoia flavour. then, this spring, the paranoia was confirmed when i got rejected a job at the place i had interned at. not because i was bad at what i did, or unqualified, but because the woman who was my mentor didn't like me. so i lost a job because of my personality, while multiple of my classmates got a job at the same company, despite being not as strong re: the profession. but they didn't have a woman who hates them telling their boss to stay clear of them, like i did. so i'm the only one out of six people who will be graduating without a job. i'm also the only trans person, and omg, my internship gave me so much shit and was so petty towards me. because i'm trans? i don't know, but my other mentor said she's never seen so many people poke at an intern before, it's usually two mentors and that's it.

anyway, i feel like a complete loser, and this is ruining my entire graduation. this has been going on for over a month now, and i'm exhausted and unemployed and pathetic. i have lost all self confidence towards me as a professional and i hate myself so much. on top of that, my graduation happens two days after my bday, so i won't get to celebrate it properly. and then i haven't even mentioned how difficult my bday is for me. my baby chicken is very sick, and there is a high probability we need to put her down soon because she doesn't get better!!!!

i hate being at school because i am the only person without a job, i hate being at home because my darling is doing bad and i need to fix shit. i'm sad, i'm anxious, my eating is bad and i have no appetite, i can't ask for help or attention without feeling like death. i'm expecting everyone to betray me or give up on me because of me being like this. i say it'll get better, but it doesn't!!!!! and i'm so tired of it. everyone waiting for me to get better will leave because i stay the same broken me. i just want to be seen and loved..

[chemicalpink]

ଘ(´•×•)⊃━☆ a (not so brief) life update

In case you've been wondering where I've been cause by now we all know I tend to just disappear.

A few days ago I felt like oversharing a bit for anyone interested, I feel like getting to this point of sharing is due and will allow me to stop this irrational fear of the internet that I have somehow developed as it tallies to my accountability on this blog.

So hang tight! Cause this is about to be a wild ride...

I'm not regressing to the very beginning cause this isn't about to be a therapy session but I will go back to the near beginnings of this account during the pandemic.

A little before lockdown as I was asked to collaborate as a customs specialist for a pop-up store (which then I found out to be BTS') so I got into them after my job was done. A bit after going down the rabbit hole I started this blog, without very much planning into it, just merely creating a safe space for the people with whom could potentially like the same things I did.

A few months into it, as a last year International Relations student on my way to law school, and with a bit of sleep deprived courage, I applied for an internship at BH online, not expecting much since I barely knew Korean and was most definitely stuck at home in a whole different continent. But things surprisingly worked out, I didn't get paid at all but it was a great learning experience. BH became HB and I got to experience that from the inside, my day went like this: school from 7am to 5 pm and work from 9pm to 3am (sometimes more)

I obviously never got to work directly with any idols, my work was merely global and very much law related. Customs, contracts, negotiations with international enterprises. When the lockdown was done with, I was asked to move and become a permanent worker of theirs, so I did. However, it involved a lot of moving around so I wasn't exactly based anywhere and living costs are quite a thing. During this time I was also profiling myself as a diplomat, so it was in all of our best interests that I became outsourced.

Which brings us to a timeline closer to the present, the person that was in charge of contacting me for the gigs that I used to do for them suddenly quit and while I'm sure they were doing whatever was best for them, left me fending for myself during may-june. I came back home with my parents during june-july and networked for a bit– at least enough to regroup my possibilities so during august-september I was allowed to staff and collaborate (on a lower level) on some big concerts/tours.

During this time however (july-september) I was mostly reliant on my parents and coincidentally, their work slowed down by a lot. The rather small amount of money I got from working here and there was spent on my medical treatment (during july my doctor let me know that I needed to get diagnosed properly for lupus and by august my treatment costs were up by a lot) I tried picking up freelance tutoring (a pain, truly) and other small hustles that didn't require me to tire myself out too much since most of my days I spent aching all over, while also caring for my mother who had to have an emergency glaucoma surgery.

Oh and I cried and felt miserable during my birthday so.

I believe that's where we are at. I can't exactly get a job since I need to apply to an unpaid internship in order to graduate law school but I can't apply for an internship because one of my teachers just suddenly decided to fail me in their class (which means I need to pass it first) so I try to get by with small, low commitment hustles and now I'm picking up more seriously my ko-fi content. Which is why, I haven't been on here.

Those damned retrogrades hit me good ngl.

I do want to say though, I am not in a state of emergency, however, I am not living comfortably, but I'm trying my best to pick myself up and be nice to myself with the decisions I make and actions I take by the minute. While also trying to save up to go visit my 17 year old sister that has just moved away to study medicine.

I am grateful for what I have and I cherish you all that have remained close to me (even in this infinite nothingness that is the internet) and I hope you've been treating yourselves kindly during this time. If you'll have me, let's navigate the rest of the year together.

If this gains a lot of traction, I'm privating it lmao. I have no issue now talking about it since I'm no longer working there but I made those NDAs myself so I know what I'm up to.

[whiskeylucciano]

I definitely should be working rn but im having dangan tma au thoughts so. i'm making that tumblr's problem

hajime is the mc, a regular guy with no life plans or friends who gets a job at the institute of hope (hpa but its focused on the research instead of the school) to have something to put on his CV. gets archivist-ed

he's a part of the junior department. its basically an internship program. the other members are -

murasame soshun : fellow regular guy ! no supernatural encounters yet but has an irrational fear of ghosts. the (unofficial) manager. helps hajime around to begin with and they get along well. probably the most mentally well in the group though he definitely overworks himself hard + puts other people's needs ahead of his own. depending on how i decide to have the story go, he gets lonely'd

fujisaki chihiro : tech support. bit of a recluse. in a constant battle to get anything in the archives recorded on something that isn't paper, so she ends up helping hajime in sorting the archives fairly often. not totally sure if i want her to end up as an avatar? if i did though it would probably be eye, flesh or spiral

gekkougahara miaya : ok she's here i haven't planned very far beyond that. i'm thinking she does a lot of the online research on statements? her and chihiro often work together on both of their jobs though. she probably stays human. i think nwp trio needs at least one human lol

matsuda yasuke : end avatar w/angsty backstory. love making my favs suffer. more of a forensic pathologist than a neurologist in this au, but just as self-taught. technically a part of the junior department but doesn't leave his office/lab area unless forced to.. which is mostly when the proper ioh workers need him for shit. soshun, chihiro and miaya visit him because they actually somewhat get along with him. hajime, however-

there's also their actual boss, kirigiri jin, and chisa/kyosuke/kouichi/etc work in the main part of the facility. juuzou exists but probably works elsewhere (probably as a cop or sth). jin is an eye avatar (+ probably kouichi too), kyosuke is a lonely avatar, im not certain about the rest yet. desolation juuzou seems fitting i think?

i have some characters who i want to have join the archival team later in the story but i also haven't planned most of that story yet so. lol. sato joins after an end encounter (twilight syndrome murder case-adjacent, kuzuryuus are end-aligned). i'm not sure if shinobu gets employed there but. she's a journalist ! she has connections ! just don't worry about her family i'm sure there's nothing weird happening there (togami corp is buried-aligned, but shinobu is eye-aligned if anything). nagito isn't an archival assistant but he's a vast avatar, and the first avatar that hajime knowingly interacts with. he collects leitners and provides info to hajime but he's also kind of a prick. he still self-depreciates he just also kinda worships the fears and considers all human life worthless. and he doesn't THINK he's being that rude but wow this hajime guy sure is sure of himself better remind him of his (unimportant) place in the universe. also he's very much rooting for the guys carrying out the fear rituals so thats fun.

+ you can't forget the former archivist, who had to be kirigiri kyouko. who else would it be. born to the kirigiris who run their own eye-aligned info-gathering organisation (their detective agency), and mostly raised by fuhito to be the heir of it. befriends samidare yui in a way basically the same as in dr kirigiri (but with more . supernatural crimes), and over time comes to question her family's dealings with the fears. comes to the institute of hope to figure out what happened to jin, but leaves mysteriously w/yui and nobody has heard from them since.

and thats it for the main cast ! there's other characters i have plans for (i have an imposter statement planned, and i want sayaka to start a stranger ritual... junko is also important i'm just not 100% sure how im going to handle her part in the story and how much of what i have planned i want to put in a summary post. and so on)

maybe i'll actually write some of this as a fic later. Who knows

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I need help getting out of what I think might be Ni-Ti loop.

[Background: I have a rather atypical life. It could partially be because of where I am and partially for my loop. I started really well, was a good student and my teachers thought I was going to have a bright future.

During late teen years I found out the name of what I was dealing with, which had to do with being LGBT. I became depressed and reserved, but couldn't tell anyone about it, not even my family. So I kept it to myself and planned to immigrate one day.

I kind of ended up studying the 2nd thing my family wanted for me, but I resented it. My family told me to graduate and then do what I want. I was in my mid-20s when I graduated, and I was unemployed and lost. I studied hard and got accepted to a reputable grad school. I wanted to use that opportunity to build my CV.

A family member had promised (several times) to pay for my housing in case I got accepted to a good uni, but right when I told them about my acceptance, they pulled the rug under me and got what they had said back without any reason. So I ended up not going due to money issues.]

The main part : I'm now in my late 20s, and I feel even more lost. I compare myself with people my age from around the world and even my own past, and I feel behind in life.

I'm stuck in this Ni-Ti (or Ti-Si?) loop. I still haven't "moved out" to a more liberal part of the world, haven't begun my "process", and the depression caused by it, the pressure to keep all of it inside, and my inability to find my way out are killing me. It's like everytime I try to fix my situation, I fail and get back to stage one

I guess the logical thing is to have a fresh start, study something reasonable in my own town, get a BSc degree in it and try for an internship position while studying, in order to gain work experience, build my CV and then leave.

But I just don't have the energy to do it. I'm already stuck in my Ni-Ti loop. It's paradoxical, like a negative cycle or a dead-end. I know I have to let go of my internal state and work hard, in order to reach my goal, but I lack the energy, hope and internal strength to do it. And besides, what if I fail?

Everyday, I mourn for my lost youth, and I think it's already too late for me now, let alone after 4-5 years or more. I would be in my early to mid 30s by then, and even thinking about it makes me hopeless, anxious and suicidal. If the things in my past hadn't happened, I would be where I wanted to be right now, and I keep thinking about that (Ni loop of tunnel vision?).

I'm really tired of being repressed and closeted, not being able to explain my pain, appear like myself, choose my outfit, etc. And my future is ambiguous, which makes things even harder for me to deal with. I can't really talk about my "condition" with anyone in my life, and I feel too shy to trust and confess that to a therapist or ask for help in real life.

My question: How can I get out of this Ni-Ti loop/cycle and have a healthy life? I read a lot of self help books, but they don't seem to work. How can I stop feeling behind in life compared to people my age or even younger?

------------------------

As explained in the study guides, getting out of Ni-Ti loop requires healthy dominant Ni functioning and developing healthy auxiliary Fe functioning.

Your Ni difficulties involve not having a good direction. This began with you not making the best decision with regard to your schooling and career; this likely continues because your idea of what your career should look like is too rigid or naive. Job and career aren't the same thing. It is possible to be happy without a career and career is only as important as you make it to be. Nowadays, it is quite common for people to explore many different career paths throughout life. Yet, you beat yourself up for it and, gradually, fear of failure infects your entire mindset, which is counterproductive and a waste of energy. As long as you devote energy to the negativity of guilt or regret, that energy isn't going to be available for positive efforts. Life isn't and shouldn't be a straight line and the sooner you understand and accept this reality, the more energy you will free up for positive growth.

Your Fe difficulties involve not having enough social support. You cannot avoid suffering in life, but good social support can help ease it. There is reason for you to keep this secret of yours, but remember that secrets eat you up inside. It is a self-destructive choice. Staying in the closet is harmful to mental health for a variety of reasons.

It isn't either/or; there is a healthy middle ground between complete silence and loudly proclaiming your identity in the streets. Of course, depending on where one lives, one has to exercise enough care and caution in exposing oneself. Remember that it doesn't matter where you live, every place has its fair share of good and bad people, and sexual minorities exist and have always existed among the majority population. There are always kindred spirits and sympathetic allies around, even if they can only be found online at first. Communicating with people online is sometimes the safer way and better than having no social support at all. An important part of being a healthy N is opening the mind to possibility.

If you care about your mental health and well-being, you should put out the effort to find some kind of social support. Bearing such suffering alone isn't a sustainable strategy, and it's especially unhealthy when it interferes with type development and keeps you trapped in harmful tertiary loop patterns.

Your Fe development issues are very understandable because of lack of social support, but they go far deeper than that in the way you rely on social comparison to measure yourself. This is an immature and maladaptive thought pattern that needs to be changed. Do you understand that every person is an individual and has their own path in life? Do you understand that your social comparisons are wrongheaded because you're comparing yourself against what you merely superficially see of others? Are you a mindreader? You don't know what other people are really thinking, feeling, or going through behind closed doors. And how they live is irrelevant to you and how you should live your life, that is, if you ever hope to become a truly independent adult.

You want social validation/acceptance, which is legitimate, but contorting yourself into a false image isn't the healthy way to achieve it. In fact, the start of the career problem came when you didn't decide according to your own needs but to meet the expectations of your family. Until you learn to put your own needs in perspective and prioritize them properly, you won't find your direction, and this will make it difficult to have healthy Ni.