#can't do shit without you apparently
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something that had always been really frustrating for me when i was still in math classes in school was trying to watch the teacher actually work the problem out on the board and still not understanding wtf was happening. for some context, i heavily suspect that i have some form of dyscalculia because math and numbers literally do not compute properly in my brain. it'd be too long to explain the full extent of my possible dyscalculia here but math literally does the mental equivalent of maxing out the CPU power and memory of a computer to the point where it freezes and lags to my brain.
math class was always stressful for me because no matter what i did and how much progress i made, there was always a lack of understanding i had when it came to trying to work any math problem out long term and remembering anything. it felt like there was always something i was missing, so when the time came for the teacher to explain and go through a math problem step-by-step on the whiteboard, i made sure i paid as much attention to it as humanly possible as child-to-teenager me could muster and even then i still did not understand how the fuck they solved it, all because of one thing: the teacher pulling a random number completely out of their ass that happened to be the key to solving the problem.
like. i don't think i can illustrate how frustrating and isolating this was to experience with words alone. here i was, paying as much attention as i physically could, trying my damned hardest to memorise each individual step and calculation in order to understand how to get from point A to point B. everything made perfect sense up until the teacher suddenly stops for a second and writes a seemingly completely unrelated number there with no context as to why it's there in the first place, and then, in that singular moment, everything immediately comes crumbling down and i'm left completely confused. and somehow, everyone else around me perfectly understands it except me. like. imagine sitting there, giving the teacher all the attention you possibly could, literally watching and studying their hand movements just to understand every single step, only to be even more confused than your classmates, who you're pretty sure were half-asleep during the explanation, who also say they understand how the teacher came to that conclusion. what. the actual fuck.
when i try to explain how infinitely confusing and irritating this was for me, i'm reminded of a quote from that video Patricia Taxxon made about DHMIS: "The rug is pulled again ... There was never any hope of following the thread, understanding is impossible.". even when i was literally trying my best to possibly follow anything that was happening, the rug still gets pulled out from under my feet and i'm sent all the way back to square one of not understanding a single thing and being confused again. all because the teacher didn't explicitly explain how they got that random number that was apparently singlehandedly necessary for solving the equation and where they got it from, apart from that place being from literally fucking nowhere.
it's really no wonder that i eventually stopped giving a shit about paying attention in math class, because even when i was, it was still daunting and incomprehensible as always. why bother trying anymore when trying still gets you nowhere? trying to ask the teacher where they got that number from was an impossible to understand task as well, as their either snapped back with a "well you should have been paying attention" (even though i WAS but whatever) or they do explain that they added the first two numbers from the equation together or something, but now i'm wondering why they didn't just explain that in the first place like they did with everything else instead of seemingly just assuming everyone would know to do that.
by the way, if i had to give an estimate, my math ability is probably still at like. a 5th grader's level at best. so uh. yeah it's not good. still, it is kinda funny to me though, not only because i do find a bit of humour in the situation, but also because some people are often so quick to judge someone's intelligence purely based on their mathematical abilities alone. like. the idea of someone calling me dumb for still needing to do addition with my fingers despite the fact that my reading and language levels are considered above average is really funny to me lmaooo
#dyscalculia#math anxiety#i was NOT having fun in math class when i was still in school loollll#to this day i still don't know all my times tables#i just know the essential ones like my 2s 5s and 10s#the others i only really partially remember but i still can't actually do beyond multiples of 12#like i partially know what they are but i can't actually DO them in my head without needing to sit there for a minute or two#i can't do quick maths. i just can't do that. there are too many numbers to keep track of and count at once to do quickly.#like i can't just conjure up a number like a fucken genie like other people seem to do. i need to like. actually count first#i hate quick maths games so much dude. it's so stressful. i physically cannot keep up with it and it's really frustrating and unfun#it's the same when people tell me to do an equation really quickly. like first of all fuck you#and second of all my brain WILL short circuit#anyway yeah this is a vent#making this not rebloggable for that reason..... sorry fellas#i'm still hoping other people with dyscalculia may find this relatable or cathartic#god how that particia taxxon quote strikes my very soul so so much.....#the entire video is really good but that quote specifically. holy shit#understanding is impossible. that is how i feel. that perfectly explains how i feel about math. understanding is impossible. wow.#i feel like data repeating ''i am not less perfect than lore'' to himself about that quote. understanding is impossible.#that is how i have felt about math for such a long fucking time oh my god#understanding anything to do with math and numbers feels impossibly incomprehensible for me.#basic concepts make sense. i understand how the four basic operations work. i just can't understand much else from that.#too many numbers overflow my brain#it takes literal actual power to be able to do one sheet of equations for me#i might not even finish it just because it's so difficult and uninteresting for me#i'm rambling again auahgh. the basic point of this post is that i don't understand math and math teachers don't understand how to make-#-any basic fucking sense. apparently. anyway yeah official steakout dyscalculia coming out post (i probably have it)#(i'm not diagnosed yet but i'm 80% sure i have it)#(the other 20% is me gaslighting myself) (augh)
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i've been trying to Do Tumblr Correctly and only Like posts so I can return later and Reblog them but I don't remember to do the Reblogging and some of the Likes were just in case I did so my Likes page is as unhelpful as it was before but now I also feel the loss of Liking things just to show whoever posted it that that I saw it.
Also I must say I am, in general, not a fan of the Tumblr Use Rules that you only find out about when people tell you off for not following them.
#i saw someone blame AO3 non-commenting on tumblr's “DO NOT add your thoughts to the OP except in tags!” rule once#which apparently teaches The Youth Of Today that their thoughts are not wanted and will only annoy the OP? idk does it? TELL ME O YOUTHS!!#that said the person who reblogged and added that they can't find Fucked Up Shit on AO3 when looking in the wrong tags#is less irritating than the HUNDREDS of people who have since reblogged to point out their mistake in the tags#wish someone would reblog and tell them that ON THE POST so i could have peace (hang on I could do that myself couldn't i?)#probably too late now anyway - too many versions without that addition to reblog and tag with “lol skill issue” LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID#...sorry i clearly have something here i need to work through#mostly my fear of making Popular Tumblr Posts (“popular” here means > 100 notes btw)#they never die you know! five years later they will reactivate and your notifications will fill up all over again! oh what a lark!#:|#tumblr
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I finally watched The Creator and holy shit why didn’t any of you tell me it was going to be that beautiful
#this movie was literally made for me#i’m a ml engineer#I research tech comms & censorship in asia and la#vietnamese language vietnamese people!!!! Thaii!! nepalese!! desi!!!#*cries* god i love being asian#Asians banding together to kill colonizing Americans ilysm#gareth edwards forever the movie maker of all time#we are going to gif the shit out of this#once I find out how to#the creator#this is the dream science fiction was made for#science fiction is not for taking from other cultures and putting white westerners in its place even when that's how it's been.#it's for telling a grave and distant future that is not so distant to deliberately expand your view of how the world works#INCLUDING outside the west and the united states#reclaiming the genre to the very culture that inspired it#And by not only showing the overpillaged overcolonized overpoached focus on southeast asia but also all of asia as a united front.#Imperialism is supported by xenophobia and racism so how else do you tell that story without casting nonwhite races & diverse nationalities#the movie said you just fucking can't!#and its apparently not even that hard with the film coming in at $80M to make (blue beetle cost $104M for comparison that's insane)#and to say 'American' so clearly and so many times oh is so *chefs kiss*#there's flaws but idgaf because they are insignificant compared to the story and themes that are so clearly and respectfully carried out#It's completely okay if you didn't know anything about southeast asia or asia in general#but when watching the movie don't you just understand that imperialism war violence are inherent evils#NOT because (a) other cultures are nice to look at and you can borrow it like through clothes dances food songs religion#(b) that we are pretty advanced and such intelligence shouldn't go to waste and perhaps be put to work#or (c) any other rationalized benefit for imperialists to put a price on a people or life#but by the simple fact that people are human and are hurting#and that the elusive concept of a soul and where we go when we die exist for everyone along with fears emotions and meaning surrounding it#it's about how we must protect these differences in meaning /because/ we are all the same
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#vent#so apparently my dad has been getting into alpha male bigoted bullshit and has starting spouting it at my mom#and he's been making transphobic comments and getting mad when my mom doesn't agree with him#saying shit like 'im the head of the household and i won't let you say things I don't agree with'#and saying that she'll corrupt my brother with her 'agenda'#my brother is autistic and both of my parents kind of baby him but he's fucking 23 we can speak together as adults here ffs#and my mom is completely neutral these topics because they have nothing to do with her#i can't imagine how he'd react if i told him I'm a queer atheist who fully supports trans people#it's so deeply disappointing to see him falling down this ignorant rabbit hole#he was never super open minded but at least he recognized some people just live differently and it's not his place to judge#the fact that he's been verbally abusing my mom more and more lately is bad enough without the transphobia
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get me out this house man
#my sister is practicing her stupid fucking trombone#and apparently she can't do that without fucking losing her complete fucking shit and throwing a tantrum#bc she can't play notes or whatever#like. she is fucking screaming sobbing swearing at the dogs swearing at herself because she can't quite hit a note first or second try#and she does this all the fucking time!!!! she does this just about every week night and i can't take her throwing a bitch fit every night!!#and i refuse to feel bad for her in any way bc she is doing all this shit to herself ive seen her have a breakdown because she#VOLUNTARILY CHOSE to be in different bands and orchestras and chamber groups and then loses her shit bc she can't#be good at all the music she has to practice at once. and then every time after she finishes crying she chooses to keep doing this#and then i suffer for it!!! i have to share a house with them!!!!#every other night the upstairs living room is just off limits bc they'll scream at you#like. god. shut the fuck up!!!!!! please!!!!! shut the fucking fucking fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!
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People often comment on like
the amount of bracelets I wear asking if it bothers me and like
you think I wore something that bothers me??? You think I’d just Subject Myself to something I hate??? lmao
Sure. I’m just Tormenting myself by Voluntarily Wearing Bracelets I don’t Have to wear. Even though I don’t wear makeup most of the time and even when I do it’s literally just eyeliner and eye shadow. Sure. I’m just Torturing Myself for No Reason. I must be.
#Like#Do you actually want to aske how comfortable the MASK is? Cause the answer is very.#I love not catching preventable diseases but please keep asking about the amount of bracelets on my arms and comparing me to you lol#Weird how people in masks only ever compliment my bracelets#and everyone else has Something To Say about them.#I'VE CONNECTED THE TWO DOTS (I didn't connect shit)#this is true tho#People in masks: love the bracelets. People without masks: feel the need to ask about my comfort with them or comment on the amount.#Also before I was making bracelets people used to ask about the mask#now it's the bracelets they need to ask about#Apparently wearing a lot of Kandi > The Mask I'm wearing#they just want to critique you that is the real lesson#The correct answer when someone says it must be uncomfortable is 'I don't mind it at all it never bothered me'#cause these dumb asses are so obsessed with being tough. If you act like it's no big deal they don't know how to respond#it's. so. funny.#Watching people scramble to respond to me when I give them no reaction has been the high light of cashiering#Anyway some people are so obsessed with how they're viewed they can't imagine doing something just cause they enjoy it and it Shows
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it’s been a hellish last couple months dealing with being caught in the crossfire between incompetent rental car agency that is mad at me and incompetent car insurance company that didn’t tell me the person handling my claim fucking QUIT and MY CLAIM WENT FORGOTTEN FOR MONTHS and it still isn’t resolved in fact things have gotten worse and tbh, when i have major stressful setbacks in life, my body and brains’ response is to just. not. do anything. just shut down. intense fatigue, inability to focus on literally anything because the background level of stress is so high.
#bro im gonna cry#fucking got blacklisted from one of the largest rental car companies in this country and it is apparently#impossible to get off the 'do not rent' list#whats making me more upset is that i literally called them the day the windshield cracked i got things sorted out before i even dropped the#car off and still shit is so far out of my control and now i'm stuck with all these repercussions that shouldn't have happened if my#insurance that i pay a hell of a lot of money for wasn't so incompetent#bro apparently even my ROOMMATES can get blacklisted for sharing an address with me#worse yet payment has been sent out but the company is still going 'fuck you pay me killyourself never talk to us again once u pay this'#i can't get ahold of the DRU person in charge of my claim on their end to find out what happens#so it might end up going to collections anyway which will perma fuck up my credit score which i've been trying. so hard. to raise.#being an adult is a fucking nightmare i want to sleep i can't focus for longer than 5 minutes on anything before i start getting that dread#its so frustrating i can't enjoy my hobbies i can't enjoy my work (which is going well right now) bc i'm so stuck on this i need this to go#away so i can regain my brain's normal functioning and yes i have anxiety this is the worst it's been in a while though#anyway sry for the venting i'll be fine it'll be fine my insurance WILL pay for this and things will be fine (probably) once that goes thru#not that it didn't add to my stress enough that my bp probably took another year off my life lbr#personal stuff#delete later i think#DO NOT rent a car without taking the damage waiver it doesn't matter how much it costs or if you have insurance just take the damage waiver#don't be me
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episode 4 of wednesday making me dislike tyler in less than 30 seconds
#liz blogs#wednesday netflix#wednesday#wednesday spoilers#''I tHoUgHt We LiKeD EaCh OtHeR'' girl what. huh. wh. huh. what. huh???#giving me second hand 'bro i thought you were just being friendly' cringe#sir she's just vibing what are you on about#and that other guy the artist guy. x. xavier?? his name starts with a stupid letter#also crushing on her apparently??? damn this show got the desperation and simp levels of teen boys down to a t#there's a monster murder mystery going on here and we got dumb teen shit thrown in#get those boys outta here if they're gonna act like that😭#girl can't have some friends without them fawning over her apparently#dont disappoint me! dont disappoint me. dont do it show i swear to god
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For anybody wondering if I ever get tired of being bitter and angry all the time: yeah, actually! It's pretty damn exhausting, in fact, on top of everything else in my life that's exhausting- which, shocker!! Is Everything!!!
But at the same time, I cannot seem to stop being so miserable all the time. I'm kind of stuck, you see; living in a fairly bad situation and being unable to do anything about it, bc the reason the situation is so bad in the first place is a lack of finances- finances that I cannot actually obtain in any fashion, but would need in order to be able to obtain. One of Those sorts of situations, yes? The problem sort of feeds into itself.
Not to mention I have a habit of neglecting myself, bc for some reason doing even the slightest bit of self-maintenance is very hard for me. I don't understand why, and am quite weary of this situation by now...
But, I've also always kind of been a brat, and constant unfettered access to the internet has not helped this problem. But I do not have anything better to do, quite literally; and it is because of the lack of finances situation that I just mentioned. I would love to be able to do more, but going out and doing things, aside from being quite dangerous in this day and age due to the literal fucking plague, takes quite a lot of money- money that I've never had, and likely never will have. Even acquiring materials for hobbies is extremely expensive; not to mention there's a space issue in my current home, which I've been stuck in for the past 25+ years.
So yeah, aside from my own failings in personality, I've got several contributing factors that are decidedly Not Helping, At All. Not that it excuses my actions; but I do go out of my way to mostly try to keep my complaining to myself. It's just that people find my complaining, and then see fit to complain to me about my complaining, no matter how valid my complaints might be in the moment (which plenty of them are, tho certainly not all of them). Someone once even got mad at me for complaining on my own blog, and complained to me about it. On anon. Real upstanding citizen, right there. Pretty sure I just blocked that one outright, like I wish I had with the fuckin pr0sh1pper that found me bc I made the monumentally stupid mistake of posting a complaint about people like them in the related fandom tag. They also somehow also thought it was about them specifically, tho idek who tf they were bc they were on anon, and I had apparently probably already blocked them from my main (Tumblr please add cross-blog/account-bound blocking features I beg of you). Vain-ass mfer. I should have blocked them off the bat, rather than trying to explain to them that they were Wrong, Actually, About Everything, bc it never works with those people, anyways. Eugh. Anyways. Lost the plot a bit, there...
#Old Goat Yells At Cloud™#for the record I tend to tag things for organizational reasons; which means shit winding up in the tags that I don't necessarily-#WANT to be visible to people who aren't following me. but I'm too lazy to come up with blog-specific tags; anyways...#also apparently posts that mention something even if it's not directly tagged as such will still show up in tag searches for that thing#which is STUPID bc it means I can't fucking talk about ANYTHING without Joe fuckin Blow blustering into my inbox like HOW FUCKIN DARE U#I think that that's only a problem if you don't use classic search; u know; like a civilized person? idk why they ever changed it tbh#it's impossible to find anything the way they've got it now...#plus again u shouldn't be able to find smth that wasn't specifically tagged with as such. anyways.#blah blah blah I'm a huge fucking bitch whose got plenty of valid reasons but should probably try to cut back on being a bitch all the same#tho if it's complaining on My Own Block that even has a bitching-related tag specifically to block out the bitching; then I don't see what-#the huge fuckin problem is. complaining is good for you; it keeps you from exploding; or doing smth stupid like yelling at people directly
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🚗🔪.
#without context the emojis are like vehicular manslaughter or something lol#but in reality they're there because i'm gonna strangle my other brother when i get home#my mom told me that he got into an accident earlier this morning#and he's fine and the car is alright for the most part like it's cosmetic damage#but apparently the other car is really fucked and my brother got a ticket#and like my brother is not an adult he's a kid so that's points and school and shit already#but fuck dude#my family can't catch a fucking break with vehicles this year this is a nightmare#first they stole our new car#then the other one got fucking totaled#then my car got fucked#then my stepdad's car started fucking falling apart so it's currently fucked#and now this#like please @ god and the universe please give us a break#this is so much money that family doesn't fucking have and it's just drowning us we can't dude#the police and insurance never help us they just raise our rates and pretend to file a fucking report#this is at least one of the reasons why americans can never fucking get ahead#how are you supposed to when the things that should be helping you are causing the fucking problem instead?#idk man i'm just so tired#i hate worrying even more about money and my family#i didn't meet my donation goal and i feel bad about that again#because i feel like i'm guilt-tripping people into donating#but then i'm stuck paying $1000 that i don't even have so like what am i supposed to do?#you try to do good things for a good cause but fuck dude#money is the root of all evil#cyndy speaks
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please help me- i used to be pretty smart but i’m having so much trouble grasping the concept of diegetic vs non-diegetic bdsm!
gfkjldghfd okay first of all I'm sorry for the confusion, if you're not finding anything on the phrase it's because I made it up and absolutely nobody but me ever uses it, but I haven't found a better way to express what I'm trying to say so I keep using it. but now you've given me an excuse to ramble on about some shit that is only relevant to me and my deeply inefficient way of talking and by god I'm going to take it.
SO. the way diegetic and non-diegetic are normally used is to talk about music and sound design in movies/tv shows. in case you aren't familiar with that concept, here's a rundown:
diegetic sound is sound that happens within the world of the movie/show and can be acknowledged by the characters, like a song playing on the stereo during a driving scene, or sung on stage in Phantom of the Opera. it's also most other sounds that happen in a movie, like the sounds of traffic in a city scene, or a thunderclap, or a marching band passing by. or one of the three stock horse sounds they use in every movie with a horse in it even though horses don't really vocalize much in real life, but that's beside the point, the horse is supposed to be actually making that noise within the movie's world and the characters can hear it whinnying.
non-diegetic sound is any sound that doesn't exist in the world of the movie/show and can't be perceived by the characters. this includes things like laugh tracks and most soundtrack music. when Duel of Fates plays in Star Wars during the lightsaber fight for dramatic effect, that's non-diegetic. it exists to the audience, but the characters don't know their fight is being backed by sick ass music and, sadly, can't hear it.
the lines can get blurry between the two, you've probably seen the film trope where the clearly non-diegetic music in the title sequence fades out to the same music, now diegetic and playing from the character's car stereo. and then there are things like Phantom of the Opera as mentioned above, where the soundtrack is also part of the plot, but Phantom of the Opera does also have segments of non-diegetic music: the Phantom probably does not have an entire orchestra and some guy with an electric guitar hiding down in his sewer just waiting for someone to break into song, but both of those show up in the songs they sing down there.
now, on to how I apply this to bdsm in fiction.
if I'm referring to diegetic bdsm what I mean is that the bdsm is acknowledged for what it is in-world. the characters themselves are roleplaying whatever scenarios their scenes involve and are operating with knowledge of real life rules/safety practices. if there's cnc depicted, it will be apparent at some point, usually right away, that both characters actually are fully consenting and it's all just a planned scene, and you'll often see on-screen negotiation and aftercare, and elements of the story may involve the kink community wherever the characters are. Love and Leashes is a great example of this, 50 Shades and Bonding are terrible examples of this, but they all feature characters that know they're doing bdsm and are intentional about it.
if I'm talking about non-diegetic bdsm, I'm referring to a story that portrays certain kinks without the direct acknowledgement that the characters are doing bdsm. this would be something like Captive Prince, or Phantom of the Opera again, or the vast majority of bodice ripper type stories where an innocent woman is kidnapped by a pirate king or something and totally doesn't want to be ravished but then it turns out he's so cool and sexy and good at ravishing that she decides she's into it and becomes his pirate consort or whatever it is that happens at the end of those books. the characters don't know they're playing out a cnc or D/s fantasy, and in-universe it's often straight up noncon or dubcon rather than cnc at all. the thing about entirely non-diegetic bdsm is that it's almost always Problematic™ in some way if you're not willing to meet the story where it's at, but as long as you're not judging it by the standards of diegetic bdsm, it's just providing the reader the same thing that a partner in a scene would: the illusion of whatever risk or taboo floats your boat, sometimes to extremes that can't be replicated in real life due to safety, practicality, physics, the law, vampires not being real, etc. it's consensual by default because it's already pretend; the characters are vehicles for the story and not actually people who can be hurt, and the reader chose to pick up the book and is aware that nothing in it is real, so it's all good.
this difference is where people tend to get hung up in the discourse, from what I've observed. which is why I started using this phrasing, because I think it's very crucial to be able to differentiate which one you're talking about if you try to have a conversation with someone about the portrayal of bdsm in media. it would also, frankly, be useful for tagging, because sometimes when you're in the mood for non-diegetic bodice ripper shit you'd call the police over in real life, it can get really annoying to read paragraphs of negotiation and check-ins that break the illusion of the scene and so on, and the opposite can be jarring too.
it's very possible to blur these together the same way Phantom of the Opera blurs its diegetic and non-diegetic music as well. this leaves you even more open to being misunderstood by people reading in bad faith, but it can also be really fun to play with. @not-poignant writes fantastic fanfic, novels, and original serials on ao3 that pull this off really well, if you're okay with some dark shit in your fiction I would highly recommend their work. some of it does get really fucking dark in places though, just like. be advised. read the tags and all that.
but yeah, spontaneous writer plug aside, that's what I mean.
#I found their original stuff while I was researching various waterhorses and their folklore for no reason#because one of the characters in their original work happens to be an each uisge#and then it turned out it ALSO included a lot of figures from welsh folklore in general#so yknow if you happen to have my incredibly specific hyperfixations you'll love it but even if you don't it's great#I didn't mean to bring up phantom of the opera so much it just happens to be very relevant to a lot of my talking points#I haven't actually seen it in years
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Well, I'm getting to do therapy, ultra mega super fucking extreme edition for my mom today
She's having a fucking breakdown cause GOP cost cutting means medicaid is being a bitch and being like if you're on medicare you no longer qualify for medicaid unless you can work and then and only then will we let you do a buy in
It's bullshit, it sucks, it's a stupid and broken system and someone being on disability should count as any work, but she's having one of the most extreme fucking breakdowns of all time over it
Like we're talking going on about how it's all her fault that the cats died who were living in the trailer cause of how toxic she let that place become, or that she's an utterly selfish person... and I'm sat here having to find ways to spin shit because she puts me in a position where in order to get her functional... what? I say "yeah, pretty much"?
Then she's like "I apologize for anything I've ever done to you", not accepted and never will be. You're doing shit to me right this fucking second with this
There's no atonement and that's kind of tough shit, and maybe if you wanted atonement don't make me parent you right now
I'm having to talk her down from being suicidal, cause I'm fucking Machiavellian with shit and I need that disability check to keep coming in
She's crying and just having the biggest breakdown she's probably had since one of my worst memories which I'm actively working to suppress cause I can't deal with it right now. She's fucking going over the various ghost shit and apologizing for it, and it's like I don't fucking care, stop fucking trying to pure and make yourself the horror that made everything awful... you're pretending to take responsibility, but what you're really doing is demanding I absolve you of everything
You know, the shit she's saying and the shit I was saying yesterday aren't that different. We both think we're hugely worthless pieces of shit who are totally unlovable (and my grandma is probably to blame for both mindsets)
Difference is that for as much as I downplayed it and said it didn't even count as cleaning, I was fucking moving like 10 boxes around to try and get things in a state where I can figure out how to clean shit, where as she's a totally nonfunctional mess
Like as much as everyone seems to want to bitch about when I'm... literally just trying to share how not ok I'm doing as best I fucking can, even when I'm at my lowest I'm still trying to work on shit
...also, one thing that's different between her and me is I've never been emotionally incestuous with my kid to the point where the very concept of family makes them sick, made them be my parent, and am now forcing them to be my therapist despite the fact the emotionally engaging with them is one of the single most destructive things I can do
I don't know... I'm real shit today, I'm gonna have to be in the car for like 4 but really more like 6 hours with her cause of the way she drives, cause I've got to go see family today and it's gotta be today cause that's when my uncle's around
I'm basically... fucking animating myself, like I'm in that state where you're not letting yourself fall apart cause you gotta hold it together cause you don't have a choice (oh, and I haven't fucking slept cause right when I was gonna go to bed I got summoned to come play therapist)
I'm shit right now, and I was already in a bad way... and in fact I'm doing so badly that I can't even maintain my normal fucking facades and politeness... nope, turns out that's not true and in fact my facades run deeper than I do and I 100% am still not gonna say certain things
But yeah, it's a shit day, one of the worst in a while cause it's probably the worst my mom's been in like... two decades... so that's fucking great huh?
Bonus, this bullshit with medicaid has cut her therapy sessions
If anyone gets to be pissed at them it's me, and I fucking am pissed, they can go fuck themselves, and everyone who votes to cute medicaid can know that I personally dislike them immensely
Unlike my mom though I'm not a literal fucking 12 year old (not even kidding, her problem is she's emotionally still like 12 or 14, she's literally fucking stunted there). Unlike her... I fucking function even when I'm doing bad
But serious, I was awful yesterday, just absolutely one of my low points. Only reason maybe I seem better today is basically the emotional equivalent of adrenaline
I'd be falling apart right now except for the part where I never actually fall apart or have breakdowns
#mm tag so i can find things later#and frankly I have to keep biting back telling you all to go fuck yourselves on the grounds that I'm just... full of fucking anger right no#like just brimming with it and not able to let even a bit of it show#had to kick all my cats out because I really don't think I'm safe to be around right now#like I've got an extremely short fuse except for the fact I'm not allowed to blow my top#and frankly... I've got various reasons I'm pissed off... but as I said up there... can't actually fucking say what's on my mind#most I can do is gesture towards the thought of telling everyone to go fuck themselves#can't actually do it and wouldn't want to do it without explaining why#and turns out I can't explain why because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings#but yeah... I'm real bad and I'm probably only going to get worse here#but it's also kind of tough shit cause I gotta clean; I gotta learn to install a faucet... and apparently my mom's about to be down too#so... not that she really fucking ever helps even in prime condition; but I'm about to get even less help#so there it is; and frankly I doubt I'm gonna get a damn bit of support
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it's that time:
Miss Universe National Costume 2024
is Here!
that's right! Everyone's favorite justification for the continued existence of beauty pageants has returned. with Looks!
Some of this year's top Themes include:
foliage!
gold!
weapons!
giant birds!
letting seventh-graders make your costume, apparently!
I did watch the video, but the most complete version I could find is missing a bit at the beginning. So I can't tell you what the inspiration was for anything before Bolivia; on the bright side that's fewer shitty rhyming couplets I had to suffer through.
Let's begin with:
Miss Angola! Tone down the color palette a little, and this honestly could have worked for that year the Met Gala was Catholicism- themed.
Miss Argentina, looking just thrilled about the sparkly toucan on her head. I feel like this is supposed to read as some combination of jungle/river/waterfall but this is from the part that I couldn't find on video.
Miss Aruba, I don't know if your giant spangly bird headdress was supposed to look like a potoo, but I am choosing to believe that it's on purpose and I love that for you.
(okay I checked, it's an endangered Aruban burrowing owl. even better!)
This is like the fourth year in a row Miss Australia has just worn a regular-ass gown. Do better!
You know who's doing better? Miss Bahamas, is who. Look at that giant fish. I wish I had video of this, I bet it moves.
Ah yes, when I think of Belarus I definitely think 'verdant tropical foliage.' also is it just me or is does the bodice fit very weird.
Holy shit, Miss Bolivia. This is where the video kicks in, so I can tell you that she somehow managed to dance in it. I'm a little afraid that this costume is going to eat Miss Aruba.
Miss Bonaire is from a Caribbean island that I don't think has ever competed in Miss Universe before? They have a national marine park that this costume is based on, which is is nice!
Miss Botswana's costume is made of leather and cowrie shells, and she is clearly having a great time being able to move freely without 75 pounds of headdress or platform heels. She did a very cute dance that kind of felt like a flex on her more heavily encumbered competitors.
Miss Brazil is wearing a tribute to Brazil's mineral wealth, which is something that basically every country with a mine in it has done at some point. I like the pannier-esque things, I guess.
Love a Tribute To A Weirdly Specific Thing, and Miss British Virgin Islands' mail-themed costume is a wonderful example of such.
Miss Bulgaria showed up dressed as a supervillain, her outfit is vaguely themed around 'the strength of women' and she just spat out a MOUTHFUL of BLOOD? on stage??? No idea how to react to that, frankly.
I'm going to pause to get the next batch of images together, and also to recover from the 'spat out a mouthful of blood' thing, because I was NOT prepared for that.
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part 2 lol
so apparently it's really fucking hard to get into the SAS. and ontop of that I've been getting tiktoks of people going around an army base asking why they joined. most responses were to pay off student loans, bills, school, (someone said there's was 6 years of prison or school and *mental note for idea*), the recruiter lied or spoilt them, barracks bunny.
141 (poly?) x notsobaddasssoldier!reader
and now i can't stop thinking of soldier!reader. who really half-assed their way through everything - only doing the job for the money and to pay off student loans + they had nothing better to do.
who somehow ends up being adopted by Price (kinda like Gaz i guess ???) all because reader happened to be in the right place at the right time and saved Price's ass while managing to complete a mission the Task Force were doing.
and it's not that you saved his ass or completed the mission that makes Price go *this is mine* - it's the fact that afterwards all you can say is-
"this shit is so not worth paying off my student loans."
"oh fuck i forgot to cancel my subscription. fuckk- waste of fucking money"
- all the while a building is burning in front of you but yeah just not at all concerned about what had just happened. so price just *grabs you by the back of your neck and holds you up, claiming you as part of his task force now.*
(lol you probably can't do that irl but this is fiction sooo suck my ass.)
and laswell's just like no... they are very much still green john. way too green. no.
but it's too late. he's already introducing you to the task force. singing your praises and you're just like
"man he promised to pay off my student loans and give me food." basically how ur recruiter got ya ass.
enough said. you get the whole off the books speech, saving the world by doing things others wouldn't like. but u couldn't give a rats ass - you should but nah...
and like... you know you're the rookie... you're still green... but some of the shit 141 do you just...
"so you just gonna kidnap the wife AND the child...? right... kid, you wanna watch bluey? here..."
"and you do this often...? crazy."
but you don't exactly protest. how could you with how much you get paid. you kinda just side-eye and look away when it's geta a lil crazy. *bombastic side-eye*
and the other 141 guys - oh my days. become just as enormed as price and want to start really trying to amplify your skills. but every time, they start explaining how to do things - the best way to go about a situation or how to fight a certain way.
you pull this face. like your top lip pulls back, your eyebrows scrunch together, and there's a slight frown on your lips as they speak. like you look confused/disgusted. but you don't even realise cause-
"why're you pulling that face?" 141
"that's... that's just my focusing face..."
"oh..." 141 feels bad
then when they do take you in feild you're shaking your head no. like you haven't been around that long. what the fuck? now you're bout to infiltrate an enemy base!?!?!
"can i just wait in the car?"
"no." price
"i'm gonna vomit."
"aim at the enemy." ghost
people think that because you're suddenly in this badass task force that surely they're just using you for your assets.
they all think you're the 141 barracks bunny. and maybe you should be pissed or annoyed or grossed out. but all you can do is sigh and pause from the burger price got you, and let out a long exhale.
"fuck... maybe i can just do onlyfans or be a pornstar... shit maybe it's not too late..."
"military is bascially sex work - selling my body..."
"not that different from what i'm doing now. body being used, check. body sore in the strangest places, check."
your tone so empty, blank and nonchalant, but there's a serious look in your eyes that when you grab your phone out to maybe do a little research on how you could do that, your phone is snatched from your hand by one of the guys and they walk out the room without a second look back.
with an annoyed huff, you go back to eating your burger. but suddenly, you turn to the person who genuinely thought you were a barracks bunny.
"hey you think if i be a barracks bunny i get out of missions and shit?"
"...that's not how it works..." rando.
"fuck."
and maybe you try...
like you go to price's office and the guys are already in there, chatting about something that you should really pay attention too but you can't be assed. instead you unashamedly start to speak...
"if i suck ya'll dicks can i get out the mission?"
"no. you still have to join." gaz says amused
"even if you-" *que long sigh from price* "even if you suck our dicks."
"that's fucked up. i should've done porn."
and with the most hurt and broken-hearted look on your face, you leave the office, closing the door with a dramatic sigh. the guys just stare at the door in... confusion, amusement, and maybe arousal if ya'll dig that
idk man just gimmie more soldier!reader who just really ain't the fucked, there for money, lowkey hungry and doesn't know what the fuck is happening. kinda a pet or little sibling energy that the 141 love.
bonus*
"wait so they aren't sucking our dicks?" *soap says getting slapped in the back of the head by ghost
a/n: brain is rottinnggg. i should be doing so much other shit but... cod just consumes my brain 24/7
#my post#x reader#poly 141#poly 141 x reader#john price x reader#kyle gaz garrick#simon ghost riley#kyle garrick x reader#simon riley x reader#johnny mactavish#johnny mactavish x reader#johnny soap mactavish#captain price x reader#captain john price x reader#platonic 141#?#task force x reader#task force 141#platonic!141 x reader#boowrites#cod mwii#mwii#cod#simon riley#ghost x reader#kyle gaz garrick x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#cod mwii imagines
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What I like about New Vegas is that out of all the Fallout games, it feels like it's the most aware of the fact that everyone is doing a bit of some kind from the fifties and is much more attentive and thoughtful than some of the other games to the implications of the fact that everyone is doing some kind of bit from the fifties.
The Kings are a salient example of this. The surface level gag, of course, is that they're a militant gang of Elvis impersonators, having adopted the aesthetic after their leader mistook a training facility for Elvis impersonators as some kind of religious site. Stock Future-imperfect stuff, oh-those-silly-wastelanders, elevating our pop-culture to the level of organizing-societal-principle.
Until, of course, you take into account the (singular) King's actual project- the fact that his gang is the defacto governing body of Freeside, the accompanying fact that he's got his anarchist predilections and thus would like to maintain that governing position without having to constantly kick people around to get them to listen. And here you've come across a guy from before the war who was apparently so incredibly charismatic that people came from all over the country to see him, so charismatic that they built an entire school to train people how to imitate his mannerisms. No shit they're gonna check if there's any gas left in that can! There might be some real practical power on the table if they can walk that walk! Even if the quick-and-dirty pitch for the gang is "Elvis Cult," there isn't really a spiritual component, they aren't morons who're mistaking this guy for a literal god, they just recognize that there might be some unreclaimed social capital here for them to tap into. And there absolutely is, in-universe and out- have you ever encountered a Fallout fan who didn't love The Kings?
Compare this, by the way, with the Three Families, who aren't in a situation where they're scrambling for a symbol they can rally populist support around. These guys are on top of the world. They aren't doing a bit because they're pursuing the social power that bit would provide them- there ultimately is some, but that's not why they started doing it and it isn't strictly something that they needed to do, given their combined force of arms. They're doing their respective bits because the guy with the robot army told them to. They're theme-park employees, working to brute-force back into existence the halcyon youth of a guy who can't even go outside to enjoy it.
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A Week (He Will Take You)
~
Danny moved to Gotham for school, while there he noticed that Gotham's ambient ecto was really murky for lack of a better word.
This didn't really affect him too much besides a mild headache every once in a while but that also just might be stress from all his school work so maybe not.
Anyway
This murky ecto seemed to effect the people who lived there or more importantly the ghosts,
They were visible to the human eye like most ghosts back in Amity but instead of looking very much like a ghost they still looked like humans if a bit off putting.
They all seemed to be continuing their normal lives as if still fully alive, with the people around them none the wiser.
Danny noticed this and began approaching them to figure out what was going on.
Apparently the murky ecto in the city had made it so that they were strong enough to still continue a somewhat normal life but not be able to cross over to the GZ.
In other words they were stuck in Gotham
Danny was the Ghost King so he could easily fix this problem, all he needed to do was give them a bit of pure ecto for around a week to fully stabilize them them then he would just open a portal into the GZ and they could cross over with all their things also transferring into the GZ for their new haunt.
Unfortunately this looked rather worrying to an outsider,
Imagine you're used to your neighbor being very outgoing so you and others see them a lot suddenly this man seems to appear in their life out of nowhere an at exactly one week, your neighbor and all their belongings in their home disappear no trace to be found.
You tell people and they begin saying the same story they knew someone and them a man with black hair and blue eyes appeared in their life, then they and all their things disappear in exactly one week.
Of course the police in Gotham do the bare minimum so they're no help.
But it starts to begin a trend, especially online.
"Oh careful or the blue eyed man will make you disappear in a week"
This of course after time catches the bats attention, Gordon had already given them all the information he had.
"Young adult early twenties, dark hair, blue eyes"
That was it.
The bats look into it and from their point of view Danny is a serial killer.
But they can't find the connection between all of his victims, they range from young children and the elderly from different backgrounds absolutely no connection,
Worrying enough he doesn't just make one person disappear he has taken entire families up to over a dozen, without anyone figuring out how he's doing it or why at all.
The disturbing thing also being that he seems to take everything in their home, leaving it like it has always been empty
Like no one had been living in it.
People have tried to take photos of Danny get some kind of evidence of his existence, but when they try to do it, it either comes out completely corrupted or their devise simply shuts down fully.
Danny of course has no clue what is happening he's just happy that he's able to help so many ghosts, and is trying not to fail his exams.
~
Danny leaving the house he just helped: "That went easier than I expected!"
Neighbor peeking from the window: "Shit it's that guy! "
~
Red Hood marching down into the cave: " The fucker took many from my territory without me even realizing it!"
~
Tim: "I'm pretty sure his kill count is nearing the hundreds and he just started like maybe 4 months ago, this is bad."
Barbara: " I think I got a theory, this matches up with the new school year beginning so maybe their not a Gotham native which narrows down my suspect list."
Bruce: "Hn."
Tim: "Yes thank you B for the insightful commentary"
~
Danny trying not to fall asleep while on his way to class: "Strange I keep seeing shadows following me, oh well must be the stress!"
Bats who are pretty sure Danny is the killer: "Has he done anything suspicious yet?"
~
Just an Idea
#glowy-death-ideas#danny phantom#dc x dp#dpxdc#batman#danny fenton#dp x dc crossover#dc x dp crossover#prompt fill#story prompt#prompts#writing prompt#dp#ghost#ghosts#dp x dc
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