#can't do homwork

[artemistorm]

Please excuse me while I go into the forest to scream.

[sch-com]

Specific manifestations of anankastic / obsessive-compulsive PD in my life

see similar post for schizoid PD

When I first heard of my personality disorders, it was hard for me to notice their role in my life. Part of it was that I was younger, and with less experiences, but part of it was that by nature PDs are so ingrained it's hard to see the full scope of their influence. Particularly I struggled to see the "dysfunction" part - I was thinking that sure, I do experience that, but is it really that bad? And you can't have a PD without the dysfunction, so do I even count? I think that now, after some time and more reflections, I can say I do see the dysfunction, so I thought to share my observations.

Disclaimer: I am going to combine DSM V and ICD10 criteria, and omit those that do not apply to me

Using DSM V + ICD10 criteria for OCPD that are relevant to me:

1/ A preoccupation with order and details that results in the person missing the point of an activity / Perfectionism that hinders the completion of tasks

This manifests in a very classic way for me. I get overfocused on aligning shapes in my presentations instead of focusing on, well, the goal of the presentation. I get fixated on trying to undestand everything in my classes/courses - instead of seeing what the entire course is trying to teach me, I get anxious and feel like a failure for not understaning one concept. It prevents me from moving on and trusting the process.

A big one that deserves it's own point is when I am organising things. I organise everything in my life, and I get into those organisation obsessions. When I am in one, it's all I can think of. How to put those notes in order, where to put this thing, how to create a system that makes perfect sense. Instead of recognising that the organisation part is supposed to help me with the things I am trying to organise, I get obsessed with the details of the organisation system itself.

2/ Undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships to an extent that is excessive and not explained by economic needs

Very much connected to 3/ for me, more on that there.

When I was still in school, the feeling of obligation was overwhelming. I can't quite even find the words to describe the extent of this feeling. I neglected everything, literally everything to do schoolwork. Sleep, relationships, family, my health, just because I felt this enormous pressure that Have To. I refused to meet with friends, or to watch movies with family, or to do anything fun, or to even go to the doctors because I had homwork, or an exam. And I know everyone does that from time to time, but the frequency and intensity is what made it dysfunctional. Also, as it turns out, it only caused me more harm than good - me getting a good grade 5 years ago absolutely doesn't mean anything anymore now. And me not making any long-lasting relationships? Absolutely does affect me to this day. My priorities were not serving me.

Now I don't have this singular intense big obligation that school was for me, but I still am rather obsessive about trying to gain skills that would make me employable / not useless. Granted, I am failing miserably at that, but it is my main focus. And I still neglect other things and relationships because of work or some other task I deemed an Obligation. I literally work full-time and then study part-time on the weekeds, I don't think I would do that if I cared about friendships or fun...

I can't allow myself to do anything fun / think about anything else when I have an Obligation planned. And it doesn't have to be anything big - even when I Have To buy someone a gift, I will not fully relax as long as I fulfill the obligation. Which is stupid, because there are always things to be done, so I am permanently stuck in this.

And all of the above is so irrational... Like I come from a relatively well-off family. I have had a full time job for a year now, with permanent contract. And yet, I still feel this sense of Danger and that I Have To do all the things, like work and studying, to make sure I don't die (it feels like I will die if I stop).

3/ Reluctance to spend money on oneself or others and a belief that money should be hoarded for emergencies

The motivation for all from point 2/ always has been fear of spending money, fear of being useless, fear of not having the skills for people to employ me and ultimately fear of ending up homeless. I was thinking of this even when I was like 13yo learning geography. I don't know how normal that is. So, I have always saved up as much as I can, to have the money when something bad happens. I am saying when, and not if, because it feels inevitable.

Everything costs money, and when I am afraid of spending it it affects so many aspects of life. I don't go to fun events for which you have to pay. I feel bad going out for dinner with friends, so I isolate instead. I don't buy clothes unless the ones I have are absolutely unwearable. I postpone going to the doctors, or getting tests done when I have to pay. I feel bad even bying basic groceries.

This is a big factor contributning of me not going to therapy, because it's expensive.

I also feel even more guilty when other people spend money on me. Like, I absolutely don't have to work actually, my parents could pay for my university. But it feels too wrong. I can't. I physically can't allow them to.

4/ Reluctance to delegate tasks to or work with others unless things are done his or her way

Pretty related to 1/. Other people just don't care about the details, or doing things right as much as I do (which actually, good for them because I am the one in the wrong, but I can't help it). I hated group assignments in school because of this. And then I would put too much effort into a stupid project that ultimately meant nothing, and so the cycle continues.

On the flip side, it makes me refrain from tasks, jobs or even basic activities which involve other people, because I know I will suffer with trying to ignore the "imperfections", or they will suffer if I nag them about them. So it may be limiting in terms of what I take on. Like not choosing work that I would maybe like / benefit from because it involves groupwork. And let's be honest, in today's complicated world there aren't many things you can do completely alone. All big, important projects involve cooperation.

5/ Excessive conscientiousness and infexibility related to morality or values (not explained by one's culture or religion)

The main value I hold in my life is to cause as little harm as possible. And you know what is the easiest way to cause as little harm as possible? To do as little as possible. I try to not consume much. I isolate because I don't want to hurt anyone with my broken brain. I chose the line of work and study not because I truly want to do them, but because they are viewed as more useful/benefitial than what maybe I would have chosen otherwise. I don't want to be a waste, and a burden.

I also hold some other tangentially related philosophical beliefs, that most likely don't serve me, but they feel too right for me at the moment. To name a few: antinatalism, nihilism, atheism, pessimism (in the philosophical sense). I like to think I could become convinced otherwise, but that I just haven't heard good counterarguments, but I don't know. Some poeple have said to me that I am just stubborn and refuse to listen, so maybe it is my infexlibility and not the weakness of the arguments.

6/ Feelings of excessive doubt and caution

The thing that have defined my life since I can remember is this feeling that the world is a dangerous place. That I am unwanted here and that I have to prove that I deserve to stay. That I have to make the right choices, and be cautious to avoid pain.

It's hard to find specific examples, because it's something so ingrained I can't imagine how I would act otherwise? But even such things as avoiding going out at dark (impossible to do 100% of the time) that made me miss out on fun or important things. I never trust people fully, especially that they will fulfill their obligations to me. I never trust myself - that I deserve to be where I am, and I always feel at danger of getting kicked out of places. I don't trust strangers on the streets to even not attack me, even though it never happened? I could go on and on. I just have this feeling that I always have to watch myself, and my steps, and to prepare for the worst always.

7/ Intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses

Probably a lot is covered in 6/ as well

I want to also mention my bfrb - skin picking. It's embarrasing to be honest. I pick everywhere, but especially on my shoulders to the point I look like I was burned. I like doing it, but I guess it is unwanted in the sense that I wish I didn't? I don't know, it's complicated.

I would also classify my obsessive need for organisation here. Like sometimes I wish I could just do something, instead of having this need to organise and plan everything neatly first.

For thoughts, it's pretty standard talk of not being enough, of not working hard enough, of comparing myself to others. I recently also started having flashbacks to random memories. I don't particularly want to think about the past anymore, and I wish they would stop.

I also get some thoughts that are like what many people think is going on in OCD - I get anxious about not locking the door, not turining off the oven, stuff like that. I do occasionally have to go back and check to calm myself, and even after I do I still think "but what if I didn't???". A big and constant one is thinking I lost/forgot my keys, wallet and phone all the time even though I am literally touching them in my pocket lmao. I don't think it's to the extent of a person with OCD though.

Fighting all of that just takes a lot of brainpower in my day-to-day, and that is pretty distressing itself because then I will spend my brainpower on thinking about how much brainpower I am using on those things? Ridiculous cirular thinking, that I am also experiencing in other aspects, but this post is long as it is.

[choccos-aaart]

Barley thinks about getting something to eat at 3 AM

1, HOME - NIGHT

It's three in the morning. In the living room, all the lights are off. Barley attempts to do his homework but his head's too far into the clouds.

BARLEY: (In his thoughts) Gosh, I'm getting hungry... I should get something to eat.

He gets up and heads over to the kitchen.

He stops in his tracks. We see into Barley's imagination: dishes pile up on his side of Melanie's desk.

BARLEY: Gasp! (T) I should really wash the dishes piled up in my room, first!

We then see the floor of his room is a mess.

BARLEY: (T) I did say that I'd tidy my room before anything...

We see his laptop screen, showing a game of solitaire.

BARLEY: (T) Aw man, but I'd really feel bad if I didn't do anything productive on my homwork.

A close up to Barley's sleep-deprived eyes.

BARLEY: (T) But, I'm so tired... There's no way I'd be able to work like this...!

Barley looks at his laptop.

BARLEY: (T) No way man! I can't sleep?! The only other way I should get energy is food!!!

Back to reality: It's three in the morning. In the living room, all the lights are off. Barley attempts to do his homework but his head's too far into the clouds.

NARRATOR: And then Barley starved to death.

Back to reality's back to reality: It's three in the morning. In the living room, all the lights are off. Barley attempts to do his homework but his head's too far into the clouds.

BARLEY: I'm gonna die of starvation!

[shinekittenace]

SCREM

[ordinariums-a]

tag dump .

[plushiesssforcrying]

Craig, Kenny and Kyle; with a crush who is usually silent around the boys, but once around their (readers) friends they suddenly turn chaotic? They mumble the things they randomly think about "wish i was a snail, snails dont have homwork" - "would you still love me if i was a worm?" And such, often deciding to 'threathen' their friends to fight behind mcdonalds? - 🖍 might be too specific , but sounded like a fun scenario

this is so funny, i also used my oc's gang for reader's gang (it consist of mal smirnov, gregory of yardale, damien thorn and gary harrison)

other characters under the cut

warnings? swearing

art by; HikariShiroki on Twitter

craig would be caught off guard by how loud you were

it was the first time he sat with you and your friends during lunchtime and he didn't expect you to be loud

your friends did warn him a few times but wow

"Don't you wish you were a snail?"

The sentence came out of your mouth fairly quick, confusing your boyfriend.

"Elaborate." Mal, one of your friends, quickly asked, drinking from his flask.

"No homework."

"They probably have snail school." Gregory spoke up, a look of mischief across his face while he read his book.

"What is there to a being a snail, you eat leaves, fuck shit up, mate with another snail, lay eggs then die!"

"Your small brain just can't comprehend how hard it is being a snail." Damien shook his head, obviously fighting a growing smile as he joined in teasing you.

"You guys are fucking with me." You turned to Craig, still confused how none of your friends are bothered and your sudden change of personality. "Craig, do you think there's a snail school?"

"Uh, no?"

"Hah! See? Craig is smart unlike you guys!" The rest of your collectively gave a small laughter, some rolling their eyes playfully.

later on, he asked your friends about your change in behavior and they only tell him that it's something you do around them

later on in the relationship, you'd be as loud as you were with him like when you were with your friends

tricia finds it weird how different you became while you were around her and when you were around craig

he doesn't mind it, he likes hearing you rant

he would fall asleep hearing you rant

he loves your voice and is glad he gets to hear it more

art by; day_artist on Twitter

kenny would actually love your energy

the first time you were really loud is when you invited him to hang out at mal's house

You groaned frustratingly when the game over screen appeared on the TV screen while Damien smirked smugly.

"Let's go! You and me! The back of the McD's, let's throw down!" You shouted all of a sudden, putting your hands up while still seated beside Damien on the floor.

Kenny had been watching you the whole time when you cursed out your friends whenever you lost a game or when they teased you relentlessly.

Catching his amused stare, Gregory explained that this was a normal scenario while the rest of your friends laughed at your stupid tough guy act.

he loves hearing your stupid thoughts when you got comfortable enough in your relationship

karen often gets confused by your sudden out-loud thoughts

when you say something like "let's run into a river for no reason" he'd happily do the request

he's a little bit of a chaotic shit himself

art by; katsutaaki on Tumblr

kyle would also be caught off-guard by your sudden change in demeanor

he thought you were just shy or something since that's how you acted before around him

and then he started hanging out with your friends

"Would you still love me if I was a worm?"

"No." Gregory didn't miss a beat to respond to you, while Kyle was still processing what you sudden thought.

"Fuck you! Kyle, would you still love me if I was a worm?" Kyle stuttered before replying with a questioning, "Yes??"

Gary pat his back pitifully, "Don't worry, Kyle, you don't have to lie, we know worms are disgusting." he sneered as you started to protest loudly.

He could only watch you, amused.

takes a bit for him to adjust to your change

he actually finds your questions interesting and frustrating

ike finds it funny how you drive his brother crazy

you asked something like, "if the sun disappeared, how would the world react?" and he's on his way to find out and possibly make a presentation on it

it's kinda helpful sometimes

[age-regressor-culture-is]

Agere culture is not regressing for a while and trying to do homwork but you start to feel small and can't finish it

✿

[elytrafemme]

okay hi hello hi jumping up and down. system things tee he

also @evilpuzzlingpapercrown (hi it’s me puzzle and i’m taging my alt and writing on annon because i refuse to mention this stuff of main. i have… irls in there. i don’t want to have a long ass awkward convo with some of the more skeptic about system people i know)

this is going to be a load of rambles because yes ✨ but i would love to hear any stories/answers/assorted things you have to anything i ramble on about

the most immediate thing i can think of is headspace/internal word. i’m always curious as to how that works for different systems. i read somewhere that even singlets can have a kind of headspace which is cool. cool beans (beans that are cool) mine is simple af and confusing af. hashtag dinner theater

okay and also i can remember when i first learned about plurality beyond like stereotypical nonsense like 3 years ago. i thought i was plural for months but there was such a mental blocker on figuring everything out and i decided i was just a different brand of mentally ill. i then had like a questioning period every other two months until i did like extensive research on systems and plurality. turns out finding info from people who have the thing ur looking into is the best place for info and coping skills. \o/

okay unrelated i keep smelling maple syrup all day and i don’t know why. it’s good though so i can’t complain.

anyway do you have colors you associate with any of your alters/headmates? also i find the word headmate funny. like mainly because my college algebra teacher says “and you can get help on homwork with your roomates, suitemates, any of your mates!” and i giggle. checking my homework with the other dumb bitches in my brain. hhahahehe

okay a question! we’re there ever things that you had a very switched up opinion of or something before realizing you were a system. like having some time really enjoying one kind of music and then something in ur brain is shocked later like “huh but i liked this music more” when it was just two people liking different music? okay that was an elaborate question i might give another example thou. like uh….. style! having a part of your brain that really liked a specific style unlike what you mostly like and realizing it’s an alter being freaking vocal but only about this one specific thing. like honey you can indulge futuristic neon cyber punk whatever later. right now is time for jeans and a hoodie because i said so

oh yea do you do anything specific to try and like monitor your system? like for any kind of memory things or just yo keep track of switches. ect ect. you don’t have to answer that because that’s kinda personal i was just wondering if you had a method that worked well for y’all? tbh i am going through an assortment of attempts at keeping a slight track of things… it’s difficult tbh. sometimes there’s a really freaking apparent switch and other times i realize someone’s like here with me now i guess and other times there’s a moment and i’m like “wait i don’t remember this morning. or like this whole week. haha. wait.” ect ect

haha silly moments over here

okay and i should probably give a more thought provoking topic. like uh… oh yea! positivity time yesyes

has your self image/self perception improved since realizing you were a system in any way? is there anyway that embracing this all has helped you? ect ect

YIPPEE OKAY HI!!! Mare fronting rn but we have a lot of thoughts about this so idk if anyone else is gonna co con or whatever but hiii

so for us, the internal world/headspace kind of... barely exists? this i think is because our brain isn't very good at retaining pictures for a long period of time, like we've had difficulties in the past trying to envision a scene we're working on writing but not being able to get a clear picture of it for a while. it's not that we can't imagine things at all, but it's kind of tricky. also, we're a pretty new system. so as of right now, most of the internal world is just... if an alter is about to front, i can see them sometimes doing a specific action, but it's in an empty void of space. the other day i was trying to call dahlia out to front but she was sitting there reading and kind of floating in the abyss

we do have an exception which is more like the. hm. okay so we have the foreground of headspace, which is just what i call the headspace, and that is where all the frequent fronters are. then in the background we kind of have a place where shit gets blurry and its hard to tell delusion from internal world. but that's where we get things like the woods and all that

damn that's fascinating actually, i feel very strange b/c i really and truly did NOT expect to be a system, like, i'd done research on systems for ages but i think i just didn't know about systems that like... didn't have amnesia walls, or weren't specifically DID. and bc of that i like did not realize what i was experiencing... Was That. having friends who r systems really helped on that front i agree wholeheartedly

i kind of dont like maple syrup like as a vibe. it's so sticky. it like tastes fine and smells fine and whatever just. residue :(

HELPSDFKDFSHKSDF you rolling up to ur alters like Guys its calculus time ^_^ nah but in terms of colors uhhh well it's. pretty on the nose actually but yeah! dahlia is pink, klavier is purple, i am a more blue-toned lighter purple, nightshade is a very dark purple-grey shade, and some of the other bastards have colors but idk their names yet so it's hard to talk about them. the deer is iridiscent but most closely matches with very light blue and very very VERY light pink

NO BC THAT'S STRAIGHT UP HOW WE FOUND OUT BASICALLY. like to cut the story short i have dealt with bad identity issues for a while bc my consistency with interests and personality traits and opinions were so different. how i realized that it might be a system thing was bc one day i got super into the Met gala despite never having fucking cared for it ever before. and i felt very like not like "me" in that moment. turns out that was someone else i don't remember who now but yeah that kicked us off

wishing u a lot of luck with tracking things, unfortunately i have no strategies :( i actually really struggle to keep track of it bc sometimes i'll be wandering doing smth and go "wait who am i?" and then i have no idea and i'm like "okay well. not mare but whatever" and then maybe half hour later i tune in again and it's me again. also my memory is really awful and we're so frequently co con, and honestly i am around so goddamn much, that it's kind of difficult to tell. i remember all the clear switches bc i journal them later, but none of the times and i never know what happens in those empty periods. so yeah shits rough and i wish u so much luck w that

this is kind of funny to say bc i think it's caused both grief and joy, but i've felt a lot better about myself since realizing that i'm not the same host that the system had in the start. like realizing that i am a new alter that emerged mid-2021 and has been host every since explains so much. i experience such imposter's syndrome and one of the biggest issues i had was realizing i was aro-spec and ace bc i felt like in the past EVERYTHING was testifying against that. and it took me until like last WEEK to realize. yeah that's because those memories weren't you. you probably formed to BE arospec and ace bc of them actually. it's so validating.

also. it's just. it's kind of nice. to not be alone :')

and also also this is kinda too much info but being a system despite not having that much amnesia walls or anything, has helped kind of a lot with trauma coping. its made some things worse but i think once we know the other alters and things organize it;ll actually end up being easier to handle everything

thank u for the questions friend i <3 you

[halal-vodka]

İ love my bf dearly but usually when i do homwork i like to sit at my desk and chainsmoke while i do it and i can't while he's here obvi

[kate-read-that]

Sphinx aesthetic:

Thick glasses with metallic frame, you never quite remember their eyes

Hair half tied, half lose

Clean hands with nice nails, but the arms are covered in little notes

Maximum levels of sarcasm, until you can't ever tell if they're serious

Long, elegant eyeliner that remains no matter what

Whispered voice that keeps going constantly, even when you're not around them

Hidden claws

Closed smiles, nice but noncomital, hiding something

Long discourses filled with rage, filled by hav silences

Autumn evenings doing homwork, a comfy pillow in the back, no interruptions

Random funfacts carefully written in too-nice notebooks

Golden pens

Characters it reminds me of: Hermione Granger, Lily Potter, Beatriz Mendoza, Genya Safin, Sydney and Zoe Sage

[canisonicscrewyou]

Hi yes I’m at a sitzprobe and I feel like I’m gonna be here forever come send me things & talk to me