#can't believe my ocd finally became of use

[fastafeijoa]

Headcanons on Harley! And a lil sketch too

•Extremely self-condident. Absolutely sure whatever goes wrong with experiments isn't his fault. It's not necessarily someone else's fault either, it could be just a natural part of progress.

•British, moved to the US with his parents when he was little. They had sort of a small British community there so he didn't pick up American pronunciation.

•Asexual Also believes romance is like a "low quality drug for the soft, spineless people who seek only primitive pleasure and have no idea of their place in life". But! If he grew up a little less love-deprived, he'd be homoromantic. Dude likes men. Specifically, just one man. In several AUs with my wife he's in very close, warm platonic relationship with her version of Sawyer. This is the perfect fit for him, literally like a part of himself he was missing.

•Wasn't satisfied with his looks until his early 50s. Sawyer likes long hair on other people and himself but in middle school he got bullied into wearing a short haircut and used to have his hair cut even shorter before starting his work at Playtime Co, not really paying attention to his looks anymore. At the factory though he felt like things were going to change for the better and allowed himself some self-indulgence, letting his hair grow out a little bit. That, along with him gaining weight (which he liked, starting to see himself as beautifully imposing), made him finally pay attention to his looks and consider himself handsome.

•Can lock in and work on something without a single break for hours, often without even changing his position. Him being a surgeon has helped develop this skill a lot. Sometimes he'll even forget he's allowed to, say, scratch his nose, like if he's performing a surgery. Gets immensely overloaded in this state and if anyone bothers him at this time they're a dead person. •Yep he's autistic.

•Used to be genuinely disgusted with tenderness. Like, genuinely. At first when Yarnaby would try to cuddle up to him, lick his hands or just headbump him he felt pathetic and gross and was quick to push him away. Overtime, however, as he realised his mental health could use a little boost and a pet is a good tool for that, he became less disgusted and even started to secretly enjoy it when Yarnaby showed affection towards him.

•Uses cane due to chronic arthritis. It's not always bad so sometimes he doesn't need the cane and walks around carrying it like if about to beat up someone. And sometimes he'll lean on it when he's tired from standing. Also there's a knife hidden in the cane, just in case.

•Visits the local flee market from time to time. Usually just to philosophize and not to buy things: dude's got an inner poet in him and enjoys to dress his life in metaphor while looking at old toys and trinkets. But on occasion he will actually buy something: he got his cane at the flee market.

•6'2 ft tall. Quite menacing.

•Is somewhat paranoid. Definitely has OCD. Won't trust his mental health to anyone but himself though (handles it poorly) and is afraid of taking any kind of sedatives or antidepressants because they "might mess with his unique mind". Ofc he's perfectly aware that can't happen, it's just a hello from his OCD. Yeah, he also won't trust OCD meds because of OCD.

•Had tough childhood with mother who didn't care and father who was overly possessive (hm I sure wonder if Harley inherited that….. hm………)

•Has been feeling so much better than before in his life since the start of the Bigger Bodies Initiative. At times he might be miserable, grumpy, tired or unable to handle his temper, but his project gives him a lot of drive and motivation and quite often he's seen walking around genuinely excited, with a slight sinister grin and proudly straightened back. Among tortured children, scared and exhausted workers and products of brutal experiments he shines with grim joy. This, all of this, is everything he ever wanted.

[braindeathaoe]

❄️Finally Lazy Day???❄️ (14/12/24)

I'm a very spontaneous person, and it goes without saying that spontaneity plays a huge part in my writing. I'm horrible at moving on from a thing before I'm 100% satisfied with it—even though I know there will never be any words which project my vision with absolute clarity.

It's a habit I should really work on breaking, but it's worsened further by OCD perfectionism. One of my biggest pet peeves is overusage of the same/similar words; whenever I see two of the same of anything, I'll probably erase one or both and try something else. And I'm always immediately re-reading whatever I've written to see how it can be improved.

~Even this blog post isn't free of that...~

On to the next topic—my computer has been acting up for the past month or so. Boot times suddenly became atrocious, although I can't say what point it started because I usually don't power down or restart; I instead put my pc into sleep mode when I'm not using it.

Well... I found the culprit.

For the past IDFK HOW LONG—the meta quest app has been dumping hundreds of thousands of files into my C Drive. Now, I don't know WHY or HOW or WHEN this started happening, especially considering the fact I haven't even used VR since summertime.

~So... which moron is responsible for this?~

After doing some research, I found horror stories of people who had millions of these parasitic little pests—so bad to the point their computers refused to boot at all! I'm thankful to have caught the issue when I did, as I don't know how much longer Mr. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis could have held on for (yes that's what i named my computer cuz i'm hilarious)

Don't believe me? Read it and weep with joy, my friends!

With that being said, after 2 hours of concentrated effort, scrubbing my computer clean of all of this filth—watching it struggle, proceeding to nearly break my recycle bin in the process because of how. many. damn. FILES (really tho, screw facebook), I'm pretty drained. I think I'll lay in bed and casually write up character stuff on my phone, today.

Have a lovely Saturday! And HYDRATE!

[oakenhills]

Ho lee shit i just got diagnosed with autism.

In Norway, they still use the term "A*pergers" as the specific diagnosis i received, but I do think I will be using autism instead of it since that is essentially what my psychologist uses most of the time when we discuss it together.

But i just need to rant about this. I spent the last 4 years working with different psychologists on figuring out why I was struggling so much. First one stopped working. Second one did not see any of my problems and attempted a type of talk therapy to try and minimize my problems, and diagnosed me with Ocd.

Then the holy grail: somehow a man saw just how badly I was struggling. The third psychologist and the first man I saw (and continue to see for the foreseeable future) said at one point "It seems to me that it's very easy to overlook your struggles because you always appear to not be struggling, and you are good at hiding it for those around you."

I have gone my entire life having people not believe me when I said I was having a hard time. Homework, school, hobbies, extracurricular activities, social gatherings, work related things, no one EVER believed me when I explained that I was literally not able to things, that I was having a hard time. And this man finally saw it. I did cry trying to explain it to him before he understood but after that, he genuinely saw me.

Almost 30 years of feeling like I did not belong anywhere with anyone, like I was "stupid", "lazy", "weird", and that there had to be something wrong with me. I don't think neurotypical people will ever understand the feeling I am describing here. I have always been on the outside, looking in and not understanding what I am seeing.

I mimicked everyone to try and look normal and it just made things worse. The older i got, the more obvious the mimicking became. The harder it became to blend in. Now, I barely get by. I work until I can't move, can't think and can barely even bring myself to watch anything on a screen. But I finally got the diagnosis and it feels so fucking freeing to be able to know I was right. There was nothing wrong with me, and I was not being a coward or lazy, I just work different.

I dont know what I am trying to accomplish by writing this. I have known for years I am autistic but to be able to say I got it professionally diagnosed, to have actual proof of it???? I dont know, it feels insanely relieving. Im sorry to whoever out there who cannot be diagnosed for whatever reason, be it because of lack of healthcare, money or anything at all. I am extremely lucky that people my age get very cheap/free mental health sessions nowadays, just insane waitlists.

I'm autistic! Finally feel like I can shout it out to the world without being scared now!!!!!