#can't believe my ocd finally became of use

[amzarashi]

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[onebillionghosts]

okay i talked about some of this on cohost. but i feel like it needs to be shared here, because here is where i experience some of the most of it.

it feels like most abled people only ever see neurodivergent people either as a tragedy, or a joke. except, we all know about being treated as a tragedy. plenty of people discuss that. but it feels like we rarely talk about how on a large scale, neurodivergent people have always been treated as a joke.

growing up, it was "autistic screeching REEEEEE" and the r-slur and "what are you, some sorta psycho" and "i'm so ocd/adhd" and mocking autistic people's stims. and just the entire existence of autism at all as being something inherently ridiculous and to be mocked and joked about. and almost EVERYONE online did it. when i was a kid, i couldn't look up my own conditions without seeing nothing but either people treating it like it was the worst, most horrible thing on earth, or people treating it like people who had it were ultimately one big joke. the only place you EVER saw positivity was in the sparse few communities made for and by people with the conditions.

but back then, the neurodivergent movement was underground. nobody really knew about it if you weren't actually neurodivergent yourself and involved in a few small close-knit communities. but then in the past few years, that's started to change. i think it was around 2020-ish that i started noticing people started to, well, notice us. while we're still far off from everyone in general being aware of our existence, we've slowly started to become mainstream. now canonically autistic characters are starting to appear in media, and people actually noticed when sia released her god-awful movie and criticized it.

but even so, neurodivergency never stopped being treated as a joke. some people realized that their previous jokes were harmful, and it seemed like we were finally making progress. but as a side-effect of neurodivergency becoming more well-known in the public eye, things started to change, and not necessarily for the better. suddenly, the concept of "neurodivergency" itself became a joke.

and now it feels like the label that was so important to the community, which we were so proud of, which felt so liberating, is a joke again. you can't say "neurodivergent" without people saying you're making up oppression for attention, and saying you're overreacting, and saying that godawful "neurodivergent and a minor" phrase. and i understand that some of it is because of people having tryied to excuse shitty behavior off of their mental disabilities/illnesses. and yeah that's awful, and neurodivergency should never be an excuse for bad behavior. but now people are turning one of our biggest points of pride, which we worked so hard on, into something to be ashamed of. not to mention shit like "delulu" and "restarted" and "narcissist" and "acoustic' and "i am in your walls".

and the recent trend that ableism is made up or being overexaggerated, which i've been seeing online recently, just makes my blood boil. i can't go outside without being stared at or treated like a child or mocked. we don't have the basic human rights to immigrate or marry or get a job, and many of us don't have any autonomy at all. countless of us die every day because nobody cares enough about us or believes us. hate crimes and police violence against the mentally disabled and mentally ill is still a huge thing. and it is still legal to physically and psychologically and emotionally abuse us, and in many places kill us. but people act like we're all making this up for attention. it's a type of discrimination and oppression so that is so sheerly widespread and all-consuming, but yet it's so invisible.

i mean of course people have never believed us about our experiences and the sheer amount of ableism we face. that's not new. but i guess just what makes it hurt so worse now is that people now realize the neurodivergent community exist, and people who we used to think are allies are turning against us and mocking us. someone makes fun of neurodivergent people, you try to say "hey don't do that", and now everyone is dogpiling you and saying you're "pissing on the poor" and "proving their point." we can't criticize albeism from others online now without being told we're overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing. and i see people who i thought were allies reblogging and laughing about this kinda stuff. and it just really feels like it's hard to trust abled people. it feels like every time i think i can trust a neurotypical person, they turn on us. and sometimes i just feel like cutting off any neurotypical people altogether, even though i know realistically there are some good allies out there. it just feels like there are so few

idk just feels bad man. we really can't catch a break can we

[braindeathaoe]

❄️Finally Lazy Day???❄️ (14/12/24)

I'm a very spontaneous person, and it goes without saying that spontaneity plays a huge part in my writing. I'm horrible at moving on from a thing before I'm 100% satisfied with it—even though I know there will never be any words which project my vision with absolute clarity.

It's a habit I should really work on breaking, but it's worsened further by OCD perfectionism. One of my biggest pet peeves is overusage of the same/similar words; whenever I see two of the same of anything, I'll probably erase one or both and try something else. And I'm always immediately re-reading whatever I've written to see how it can be improved.

~Even this blog post isn't free of that...~

On to the next topic—my computer has been acting up for the past month or so. Boot times suddenly became atrocious, although I can't say what point it started because I usually don't power down or restart; I instead put my pc into sleep mode when I'm not using it.

Well... I found the culprit.

For the past IDFK HOW LONG—the meta quest app has been dumping hundreds of thousands of files into my C Drive. Now, I don't know WHY or HOW or WHEN this started happening, especially considering the fact I haven't even used VR since summertime.

~So... which moron is responsible for this?~

After doing some research, I found horror stories of people who had millions of these parasitic little pests—so bad to the point their computers refused to boot at all! I'm thankful to have caught the issue when I did, as I don't know how much longer Mr. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis could have held on for (yes that's what i named my computer cuz i'm hilarious)

Don't believe me? Read it and weep with joy, my friends!

With that being said, after 2 hours of concentrated effort, scrubbing my computer clean of all of this filth—watching it struggle, proceeding to nearly break my recycle bin in the process because of how. many. damn. FILES (really tho, screw facebook), I'm pretty drained. I think I'll lay in bed and casually write up character stuff on my phone, today.

Have a lovely Saturday! And HYDRATE!

[lifebefore30]

Recent Repressed Memory

At one of my therapy sessions, a memory surfaced when we were discussing my claustrophobia, seeing if its more of claustrophobia itself or something along my OCD.

He's asking me to describe how I feel in small places or describe a space I fear being in.

I told him that even though I love being in the water and swimming, I have nightmares where I'm drowning. Or a gigantic wave is coming and I can't run from it before it crashes on me. The thought of being surrounded closely by things makes me feel like I can't breathe.

He asked if something happened when I was a child. I said no at first. But later in the session, I remembered something and I brought it up.

I was about 11. My parents and I just moved to a different town. Different school, different kids. One girl became my new best friend very quickly and made me feel a lot better about changing schools.

But then the next summer came.

We were swimming at the lake. There was a raft out further we always swam out to. We would dive under and see if we could touch the bottom. It was only like 10 feet deep. I swam back up and she suggested we see who can hold their breath the longest. So I went underwater again and suddenly felt hands pressing down on my head.

My best friend was holding me underwater. I don't remember how long, but it was long enough that I was really scared. I felt I was about to pass out before she finally let go of me. I asked her why she did that and she said she didn't know. I was confused but took it as a bad prank and I went home. I felt sick.

Sometime later on, I went over to her house to hang out. Her parents weren't home. I don't remember where her siblings were, all younger than us. But I remember she dragged me into her parents room. And right away I didn't feel right. Something was off. I felt super uncomfortable.

She had us lay in bed and the next thing I knew, she had a pillow over my face and pressing down. I freaked and started screaming. She didn't get off for at least a minute.

I don't remember what I said or she said, I just remember that I didn't hang out with her again that summer, and the next school year we went into different 'cliques'. I never told anyone what happened. No one would have believed me.

From then on she was one of the 'popular' kids. Jocks and preps.

I became great friends with the 'emo' kids. At least they never tried killing me.

I have her on Facebook and I just laugh at myself when I imagine a news story popping up one day to find out she strangled or suffocated someone.