#can you tell I’m socially anxious :D | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

merakiui · 1 year ago

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⭐

Go off Queen ❤️

>:D why, thank you, my liege. Go off, I shall!!!

(ask game)

I think I'll take this opportunity to discuss Death Row Undertow's chapter seven: Kismet Kiss! Specifically the latter half involving Cater. I've put my thoughts under the cut!

I loved writing this scene (the tonal shift from Riddle's anxious meticulousness to Cater's friendly and feigned positivity is very yummy to me)! The karaoke bar that the pop music club frequents actually has a name: Siren's Heartache. Reader and Cater visit it often! That aside, this chapter shows a much more meaner side to Cater. >_< not only that, but it also illustrates his inner thoughts and feelings. For example, this section here:

Cater makes it a mission to familiarize himself with his favorite karaoke bar’s menu, but despite every food and drink combination he’s come across (some photographed and strung up on his social media and others admired from afar) he cannot stomach the sweetness. So for tonight—like most nights—he chooses something that is, as his sisters would often say, “so not cute.” Beer is his go-to, even if his carefully curated Magicam feed is adorned with photos of pastries and sugary drinks galore. Peel back the pretty wallpaper and you'll find the dollhouse is not what it seems. But festering in rot is so not cute, and so for this reason he plasters the bitter with beauty.

Cater likes to curate a certain image for himself, especially when that image is being posted to his Magicam. He does something similar in Cicada City when he takes Riddle out for boba and orders a very sugary drink (which he only photographs and doesn't drink once). In canon, it's noted that Cater is more partial to spicy flavors than sweet flavors and that his aversion to the latter is due to always having to force himself to eat the sweets his sisters would make to avoid disheartening them. Also, his sisters have a tendency to judge things based on how cute they are. I imagine this habit is engrained quite deeply in Cater, hence why in this chapter (and other chapters) you will see him referring to things as "cute" or "not cute."

Though he seems rather cruel and detached from the main issue (Reader's disappearance), there are little things to suggest otherwise. The most glaring one would be his song and its lyrics. When I wrote it, I wanted every line to hold an underlying meaning for plenty of analytical dissection. Lilia's able to read between the lines, which leads to this exchange:

Cater curls his fingers into a tight, self-assuring fist, nails pricking his palms. “Sure did. Penned by yours truly and everything! It’s still not finished, though. I’m always going back to edit, but so far that’s the most coherent draft I have. So whatcha think? It’s totally cute, yeah?” “It’s very telling,” Lilia praises with a cryptic grin. Cater doesn’t like the wisdom discreetly woven into his next words. “You can learn a lot from the speaker in the song. Some truths are best expressed in writing, after all. When we put pen to paper, left alone with but our wrist and brain, we’re usually very honest with the page.” As always, you’re a mystery, Cater thinks with a thin smile. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared it so confidently.

These lyrics are very vulnerable and personal to Cater, but he shares them anyway because he's seeking validation for the song itself (not the story told within), which Kalim gives him without touching upon the message. But Lilia's the one who sees beyond the song's cute façade, which is exactly what Cater didn't want. Of course he separates Cater and the speaker in the song when he refers to them, but both he and Cater know they are one and the same.

Cater mentions in Cicada City that, "I’m thinking it could be an energetic love song with dark undertones. Lots of people like creepy romances, and who said Halloween couldn’t start early?" but in this chapter he says it "sounds kinda pop idol." The contrast in these descriptions are unique to Cater because it suggests that previously he was content to recognize the darker aspects of the song and its story, but now he simply wants it to be "pop idol" instead. This erasure of the dark tones in the song is a parallel to how he feels currently: a stressful situation has arisen and he doesn't want to confront it head-on because it's much smoother when things are cute and sweet (or pop idol).

In other words, Cater's role in this chapter is frustrating because he's meant to be Reader's friend and yet here he is: not being a friend. But the truth is that Cater is so used to her pattern of coming and going that he doesn't see any need to worry, so he becomes a little tense when Kalim and Lilia are voicing his concerns (which he's tamped down) back to him rather than agreeing easily.

He's also quite defensive and protective of Reader, even more so when Lilia and Kalim press him on certain issues related to their relationship, often answering with, "I just know" or "I know her." Cater doesn't want to lose one of the few close friends he's ever had, so the idea that she isn't just taking leave for a few days and that it could be something far more serious is deeply unsettling to Cater. And if that's the case, it will confirm two things for him: (1) Cater doesn't know Reader as well as he thinks he does and (2) this isn't another case of crying wolf; it's something more.

It may seem like he's dismissive when he tries to get Kalim and Lilia to drop the subject entirely so they can focus on band discussions instead (and he is), but the reality is that Reader has been on Cater's mind the entire time. At the end of the chapter, he thinks, This is so not sweet. I completely forgot to take pictures for Magicam. Cater never forgets to take pictures. He actively searches for ways to snap photos at every opportunity; it's one of the things that's almost always at the forefront of his mind. He was so distracted with his own buried worries related to Reader that taking pictures genuinely slipped his mind.

So he is genuinely worried. He just doesn't want to show that side of himself because it's, in his own words, "so not cute."

#twisted chit chat #death row undertow #forgive me for rambling a lot orz #i love cater so much and his role in dru is very interesting and fun to discuss!!!

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oldwritingm · 1 year ago

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uh hello- I'm nervous as I'm not used to this since I usually just read your stuff without suggesting things! Congrats on 100 followers, you deserve more tbh. I saw your matchup post! For the fandom it's ninjago, my gender preferance is uh... idk? I use she/them pronouns tho. Idm if it's platonic or romantic but I'm lonely irl so I would prefer romantic! I like kids cartoons and I'm pretty energetic and bubbly but uh- very shy and I get nervous very easily (if this wasn't an indicator) okay tysm! congrats on the followers (again lol)

Thank you for your kind words!! Now onto the matchmaking… I match you (romantically) with:

Jay Walker!!

Some headcanons!

You guys totally geek out together all the time

He loves being able to talk about his interests with you

And he loves hearing about your interests

He also appreciates that you can match his energy level with your bubbly personality

Most people have trouble keeping up with you guys

You’re just on your own wavelength

On that note, you guys have SO MANY inside jokes and little references

Sometimes it’s like you’re speaking a different language

You both enjoy the confused looks you get almost as much as you enjoy making the references

You just get each other so perfectly,, you definitely call each other “my other half”

You can frequently be found just talking to each other, all alone, in your own little world

He totally relates to your anxiety; though his is less social, so he has no problem fronting for you in public

Actually, he enjoys it

He gets to be your knight in shining armor :)

He’s very protective of you because of your shyness

It makes him anxious to see you alone in a crowd, so he always tries to keep physical contact in public

Hand holding or pinky locking are his go-tos, but he’s not against putting an arm around your shoulder or waist

This is also how he shows that you’re together

It’s less of a gesture he does out of jealousy, more of something he does to say “hey, I’m with her”

He doesn’t really get jealous over you

He knows that you’re his and he’s yours, that’s all he needs

A little Drabble!

You perked up when Jay walked in, sending a beaming smile his way.

“Hi!! And what are you up to, beautiful?”

You felt your cheeks go a little pink. “Uh, nothing.”

“Are you watching something?”

“Yeah… it’s a kids show,” you said quickly, trying to dismiss him as you half-closed your computer on your lap.

“Cartoons?”

“Yes. But how was your d—”

Before you could finish your statement, Jay dived onto the bed and propped himself up on his elbows next to you. He looked up at you with sparkling eyes; it was a look that he always got when he was excited about something. “Can I watch too?”

You blinked at him, your own eyes wide as an owl’s. “Do you really want to?”

“Obviously!! I freaking love cartoons. And what better way to watch than with my other half?”

A rosy-cheeked smile found your face. “Okay then.”

Jay scooted closer, draping an arm around you and bringing your head against his chest. You nuzzled into him, pressing play on your laptop and watching the cartoon with a newfound giddiness.

And a song!

Meteor Shower (Cavetown)

meteor shower! quick, take cover

But the hues in our hair compliment one another

I'd sell my own bones for sapphire stones

'Cause blue's your favorite color

…

My heart and the earth share the same rule

It starts with love and it ends with you

But don't go outside, it's dangerous tonight

Without me right here by your side

I hope you like this!! This is my first ever matchup hehe ^^ but thank you for your support, I can’t tell you how much you mean to me!

(divider by saradika)

#ninjago #ninjago x reader #ninjago matchup #jay walker #jay walker x reader #jay x reader

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selectivechaos · 1 year ago

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I’m wondering (I’m not trying to be rude or anything I’m just curious)

Are you able to write in sign language

(I’m not trying to be rude I like your content I’m just curious)

hey anon, i don’t think it’s rude at all. but my answer is kind of long and rambling, sorry.

don’t really know much sign language for my area. tried to learn a while back but found it hard.

about signing in mute-situations. for me, it would be impossible, especially when am really really anxious. because of the freeze response to anxiety, my whole body goes stiff and i can’t move. showing body language is hard and awkward and always a performance because displaying natural or unmediated reactions to social stimuli feels too vulnerable to me, eg it feels like i could be judged for smiling or laughing.

sign language also involves a lot of facial expressions as far as am aware. which is difficult to do, and difficult because i know people are observing my facial expressions as part of the communication/understanding process.

sign language is often presented as a common sense alternative to vocal communication for people who struggle to speak. but it is much more than that.

and in reality a lot of the time, media representations of mute people just assume we are able to sign, and sign well. which just isn’t true or accurate, especially for people who aren’t surrounded by D/deaf community.

what am saying is: the problematic thing is how sign is used in fiction as an alternative, and as a way of making the mute person functionally able to communicate when really, my mutism takes away from my ability to functionally communicate. the media aim is sometimes to ensure that mutism has no real impact on the flow of dialogue, or on the character’s life. and this can ignore the impact of sm.

my sm affects all forms of communication. functional, expressive; it affects the lengths of phrases i can speak; it affects how loudly and quickly i can speak. it affects body language and facial expressions, and, as far as im concerned, emotional vulnerability.

social anxiety also makes my mind go blank. and i have cognitive distortions around not having anything to say, or being a really blank and boring person; so basically even if i could sign something, i wouldn’t know what to sign:

my anxiety tells me that the place for me to intervene in and add to a conversation is never.

🌹 in terms of signing, my hands and forearms might freeze or shake. same with writing stuff down. for me it feels like a psychological blockage where i just can’t get myself to do the thing. whether that be speaking, writing, signing. 🌹

although that said. am pretty good with gesturing and nodding now. and recently have been smiling more, which is making me see myself in a different way.

for me it is more about the level of comfort with communication. 🌹🌹

#anon ask #sm tag #selective mutism #long post ⚠️

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xenodisparity · 6 months ago

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What is Black Film?

If you were to ask for an answer immediately, I wouldn’t know. I’d probably say something stupid like “The Color Purple” (dir. Steven Spielberg). But with further analysis, I’d be honest. I don’t know. I don’t know what “Black Film” is. Is it the connection a movie holds within the culture? Does an all black crew necessitate the “Black Film” tagline?

I’m going to regurgitate a phrase I’ve heard very often. “Black People are not a Monolith”, and with that being said, not everything NEEDS to be a black film. But that rhetoric is harmful. Bear with me here. My personal perspective on Black culture in film & tv is entirely warped. Astray. Discombobulated. Any word you wanna used to describe…f**ked up. I give credit to the lack of positive representation of myself in media as a growing black boy, all the way to a young man.

What do I mean by this? Why am I so confusing right now? Because I’m confused. Because I myself don’t know how I feel about this topic. But I am not ignorant. I am not complacent. I know that there is more to the world that I can learn. I know that there is more to the culture than what I’ve seen so far, and at this point, it is my duty to make sure I see through.

Fourteen year old me would have sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes at the thought of having a conversation about the idea of Black Film. Particularly because he believed that it wasn’t necessary. He believed that not everything needed to involve Black people. “The world doesn’t revolve around you” is the phrase he consistently said to himself. He was tired of the internet. He was tired of social media pages such as “The Shaderoom” and “Worldstar”, which popularized gossip & instigation within the black community. He thought it was ignorant.

Let me switch gears real quick and talk about a movie I’ve recently watched titled, “American Fiction”. It was written, produced, and directed by Cord Jefferson. A black man. American Fiction tells the story of Thelonius ‘Monk’ Ellison, a black author who is fed up with Black stories in entertainment always including pain, or negativity. Monk is played by Jeffery Wright. Opposite of Jeffery Wright is Issa Rae, who plays Sintara Golden, a popular author who writes stories about the black experience, whether it be negative or positive.

In the movie, Monk goes through a series of events fueled by envy, disdain, hypocrisy, and jealousy. He wants his novels to become popular. He’s a black man creating stories. To him, that’s a “Black story” Experiencing his novel is the “Black experience” because he is the black man who wrote it. He doesn’t want to “feed” into the stereotypes and create a story centered around black trauma.

But that’s not what makes the bread. It’s even more apparent when Monk’s sister dies suddenly, the caretaker for his mother. His sisters death is the catalyst for this movie. It creates his motives. He doesn’t even grieve the loss of her life. He can’t accept it. His mother’s health rapidly declines after her daughter’s death. He still cannot accept it. Monk closes himself off internally from everyone. He has a complex.

Monk is getting anxious. He needs money to pay for his mother’s care. Their family has a maid, but she found love. She wants to leave and get married. Monk lets her leave. Throughout the movie, Monk questions why isn’t he in love, why isn’t he married. Why is he so much like his father, but not at the same time. Did I mention Monk’s father committed suicide by gunshot when he was younger? Oh I didn’t? Sorry. Monk is going through a lot as you can see. I didn’t even need to add that part.

Are you noticing something? Has your brain flipped? No? Yes? Maybe so?

Monk succumbs to his desires and writes a book titled “Fuck”, written by a fictional character, “Stagg R. Leigh”. Stagg is a fugitive on the run, but he wanted to write a book and share his terrible, no good, dirty black experience. Monk uses this pen name and fictional character to garner millions of dollars in revenue. He can finally pay for his mother’s care.

But now here comes the next battle…Internalized Racism!! Monk is shocked that “Fuck” is critically acclaimed. Monk denounces the work in private, but he secretly loves the attention. He got what he wanted. He got his popularity, he got his coin. But at what cost? He had to dig into the stereotypes he hates so much. Here’s the kneeslapper, Monk himself IS a stereotype.

Monk & Sintara Golden are chosen to join three white judges on a panel for the literary awards. But Monk doesn’t care about black stories because he only allows himself to see the negativity in them. He doesn’t allow himself to understand the representation, to be empathetic and realize that the world doesn’t revolve around his ideals. Monk thinks that Issa Rae’s character, Sintara Golden, is fetishizing and exploiting black trauma.

He called her work “Black trauma porn”. Monk believes that Black people have the potential to be more, to create better stories. Sintara tells him “Potential is what people see when they think what’s infront of this isn’t good enough.” This silences Monk. The jury for the awards ends in the three white voices declaring that “Fuck” by Stagg R. Leigh is essential to black voices. Much to Sintara & Monk’s dismay.

At the literary awards ceremony, “Fuck” is revealed to be the winner of this year’s award. The crowd applauses as they look around for Stagg R. Leigh. Monk’s anxiety is at an all time high. He decides to go on stage. Monk reveals he has a confession to make, but right before he speaks, we smash to black.

What? Excuse me? Is that how it ends? These are all the thoughts I had until we opened again on Monk reading off a script while speaking with a movie director played by Adam Brody. They’re on the set of “Plantation Annihilation”. The director criticizes Monk for the smash to black ending, calling it boring. He needs to bring “more”.

Has this entire movie been a screenplay Monk has been writing? Is Monk really the man we know? The conversation with Brody’s character ends when him and Monk come to a conclusion. Right as Monk goes to the stage and proclaims his pen name, a SWAT team runs in and points weapons at him. At Stagg R. Leigh. They then shoot him down, proclaiming the award trophy was a gun.

The director loves this ending, and Monk sighs. Shortly before he leaves, he comes face to face with an actor dressed as an enslaved man. The actor throws up a peace sign, and Monk nods. He drives away & we finally cut to black. The End.

In this movie we had a man by the name of Thelonius ‘Monk’ Ellison battle his own internalized racism in regard to what a “Black story” is. I saw my fourteen year old self in Monk. I related to how Monk felt about the negativity within Black stories. The difference is, I didn’t let myself become ignorant, I didn’t turn my head at the sight of stereotypes, and I most certainly did not become a hypocrite.

The thematic elements of “American Fiction” are plain as day. Yet, they’re so complex, so nuanced, that I am itching to watch it again. I want to see what else I can uncover. The standard of Black entertainment is always under a lens. From Spike Lee to John Singleton…and even…..Tyler Perry. Black stories are plentiful, despite the content. Representation matters. Getting more Black faces on screen matters.

With this watch of “American Fiction”, and my personal opinions aside, I can finally answer the original question.

What is Black Film?

Black film is an amalgamation of collaborative effort between several Black entertainers to tell a story about the Black experience.

#filmmaking #black films #american fiction #spike lee #issa rae #tyler perry #black entertainment

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albatris · 2 years ago

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Hiii tell me all about Nat I love him sm

:D!!!

Hi hello! Absolutely I can tell you about Nat! I’m glad you like him and thank you for the question!!

Here is a big ol' chunk of words, some bits I've nabbed from other posts, too :3

Nathaniel Felix Finch, a good boy, a sweet boy! He’s the protagonist of our silly little horror trilogy, much to his dismay

He’s 25 years old and works at Stop ‘N’ Go 24/7 Petrol and Convenience, where he is prone to falling asleep on the register and shoplifting (both encouraging it and participating in it <3). He’s a bit of a hermit, not because he doesn’t want friends, but because he’s awkward, anxious and paranoid. He’s got schizotypal personality disorder like me, so it’s tough for him to engage with the world and feel comfortable

His story kicks off when he wakes up on the side of the road in his rental car covered in dirt with no memory of the past nine days. All attempts to return to regular life are quickly thwarted when it becomes apparent he’s turning into something inhuman and ravenous. He spends a week in agony and coughing up blood and almost passing out in public and being starving and existing in constant sensory overload… which reaches a gory climax when he kills and eats someone in a botched robbery of his petrol station and he's like Ah Fuck Apparently I’m A Vampire Somehow And I Just Ripped Someone’s Throat Open I’m Going To Go Have A Panic Attack Now

He is yoinked from mortal peril by shifty fucking bastard with a mile long list of ulterior motives perfectly ordinary kind selfless human person Quinn Cooper, and a bonkers plot ensues <3 Book one mostly sees Nat struggling with his new condition and trying to figure out what happened in his blackout and why he got vampired, and slowly uncovering the grim secrets Quinn is hiding. Book two and three wander into more “Nat Finch Is Going To Kill And Eat Vampire God (The Garble)” territory

What to say about Nat… hm…

He’s an excited, friendly, cuddly lad, if you can get past his layers upon layers of anxiety! He loves people although he’s afraid of them, and believes people are good and that he can do good in the world. He’s prone to bouts of depression and apathy on occasion, though, and especially struggles to balance his kind, gentle nature with the fact that he now has to eat people to survive. He's got a big existential crisis coming hahahaha

He loves animals! He regularly donates to wildlife charities despite not having that much money to begin with, and used to volunteer at a cat café for rescue cats (with Yvonne, another of our main characters!), and only stopped due to his social anxiety. He has a sweet little rescue kitty named Grub, who's just the scrungliest ugliest thing you've ever seen (he'll cry if he hears you say that, though). He's been a vegetarian since he was 17, and still considers himself one despite the fact that he's now an entire vampire who preys on humans. So you get like..... bits in the story where Nat drains some guy like a capri sun then the next day is like "no I can't come to check out the new Korean BBQ place with you Quinn I'm a vegetarian :((( you'll have to take someone else :((("

He's also a good cook and especially loves cooking for other people and sharing meals! This is one of the most common ways he shows affection :3 If Nat drills you about your favourite food and offers to cook it for you sometime, this means he wants to be friends :-) Most of his dishes are vegetarian, but if he really, really likes you he’ll cook meat as long as you ask nicely

He loves to be useful! He’ll gladly rush around and help with errands or putting furniture together or organising things. If you tell him you appreciate him or he did a good job he will bask in that compliment for weeks like a golden retriever that’s just been told it’s a good boy haha

Tragically he can be a bit of a doormat, especially at the start of the story. Though he pretended to be fine with his solitary lifestyle and loneliness, he’s always desperately wanted connection and friendship, and this makes him prone to letting people take advantage of him or manipulate him.... purely because at least that way he feels "useful", and they're more likely to keep him around...... he improves a lot on this front, though, so don't fret! We get to see the lad's self-esteem improve! He initially doesn't really like himself that much, but the story gets to see him come into his own and find his values and worth....! He's a good, kind, intelligent person with a lot to offer, he just takes a while to figure it out!

Oh also he's a huuuuge drama queen and is completely willing to play up being sad and pathetic to get what he wants <3 this is an important Nat Fact to know

Hmmmmm.......... what else......

So, it becomes clear as the story goes on, he’s not exactly a regular vampire… he can access a lot more of the Garble hivemind’s power than other vampires can, which left unchecked can result in an overload of power affectionately referred to as Monster Mode Nat :P a big ol’ body horror vampire creecher! Violent and aggressive and jumpy, out of control. It’s usually a state of intense fear for him, something that occurs when he’s in very dire straits, when he or his friends are threatened, etc etc… a Nat too far in Protector Mode, basically, that can easily become dangerous even for the people he's meant to be defending. He is still able to recognise Friends, though it takes him more effort, but struggles to make sense of unfamiliar people as anything other than resources, food or threats

As far as regular vampire Nat in the day-to-day goes, he's prone to all the usual vampire instincts. He’s got extra anxiety and paranoia and jumpiness on top of what he already had, he's got that usual insatiable insufferable vampire curiosity, he loves to bask and be cosy and snuggle with friends. He can purr and it's extremely cute. He has a moderate to severe allergic reaction to sunlight though it won't kill him immediately, he struggles with garlic much to his despair as a cook, n he has an extremely high prey drive that he has to work very hard to manage

Oh and Nat mostly preys on rich pricks and abusive bosses, as well as the occasional creeps at bars, which is very valid of him <3

Anyway yeah! This has been Nat Posting with Monday! I hope you have enjoyed these Nat Facts <3

#yoinked some of this from other previous nat posts #:D #a rental car takes a left down rake street and disappears #nat

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writteninlunarlight-years · 10 months ago

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hi :D!!! was wondering if you were still doing matchups? if so, i would like to request a bg3 match up with any of the ladies :3 also i wasn’t sure if i was supposed to describe me or my tav, but its pretty much a self insert so i hope this is ok hehe THANKS AGAIN OK LOVE YOU BYE <3

gender: trans man

pronouns: he/they

sexuality: i honestly have no idea lol, i prefer woman by a longshot though!!!

appearance: i’m 5’8” ish (~173 cm) and about 200 pounds (~91 kilos), olive skin with a bit of facial hair/stubble. i have kinda built arms and legs and a nice loveable tummy. pre top surgery though so i am always in a binder and baggy shirt. i’m growing out my mullet atm so my hair is kind of a mess but! it’s dark brown and curly :) i have lots of tattoos and piercings! my clothing style is usually some giant graphic tee and work pants with some converse or something. if i’m actually trying though, i kind of dress like a grandpa hehe

mtbi: infp, enneagram is either 2 or 4, it changes every time i take it lol

personality: gemini sun virgo moon gemini rising (don’t really care for astrology tbh), initially i am very reserved and quiet, but not like cold or aloof or anything! im just extremely nervous and shy!! i have been described as intimidating but i dont see it at ALL so take that with a grain of salt i suppose. once i’ve opened up though, i really enjoy making others laugh so i will take every opportunity to do so, even if it makes me look like an idiot lol. i tend to miss a LOT of social cues, so i usually come across as very awkward and weird, but i’ve gotten pretty good at playing it off

likes: i LOVE everything about music!! i play over 5 instruments, i listen to every genre (yes even country), and i’ve been playing in either ensembles, orchestras, or bands since i was 11. i was even a music major once upon a time! outside of music, i like cats (my cats are my favorite lol but i don’t discriminate!), video games, and occasionally reading

dislikes: i have pretty bad sensory issues so i fucking HATE places like malls, grocery stores, large department stores, etc. i also don’t like a majority of social situations with people i don’t already know, i always feel so awkward and get anxious. this one really gets people, but i don’t like a lot of foods that are widely considered to be good. for example, i dislike mac and cheese, potatoes, ketchup, and most fruits. every time i tell someone this, they literally act like i just confessed to murder

extra fun fact: i am a giant nerd. like i cannot state it enough I AM A NERD! my friends use me like human google all the time, and most of the time i have the answer 😭 not trying to imply that i’m a genius or something, i just hear a fun fact or random piece of information and then never ever forget it (did you know that for a majority of the year, the closest planet to earth is not venus or mars. it’s mercury!!)

BG3 extra:

race: half wood elf

class: wild magic sorcerer

alignment: neutral good

Don't Worry—I still have yours!! I was perplexed when I saw your PFP twice, lol. Sorry for the long wait, but here is your Match!! Also, as a Midwestern/Southerner, I enjoy the genre of Country, lol. ( I, too, am a nerd; I am my family's personal Calculator, though, lol)

~~~~~ MATCHUPS ~~~~~

Baldur's Gate 3

Shadowheart

~~~~~ HEADCANONS ~~~~~

Shadowheart is one to keep to herself as well. She likes the mysterious quiet. However, she did not oppose the notion of you being the group's leader.

She sees your anxiety around new people as a hindrance and a diversion. While you are awkwardly talking to others, she can use this time to gather hidden information or send Astarion on a pickpocketing hunt.

Your tics and antics may have frustrated her initially, but as you all grew to know one another, she found them sweet and endearing.

Soon, whenever a passerby points out your flaw, she is the first and last to defend you. (Miss Ma'am always has to get the last word in)

Shadowheart worked hard to earn your trust, and you worked hard to earn hers. Soon, you two were inseparable, for good or bad.

Shadowheart took your courting very seriously and ensured everyone at camp knew you were hers. She is a princess, after all, and gets what she wants.

If you are having a tough day around people, Shadowheart will be there to help. She has no problem leading things whenever you need her to.

When you two fight enemies, it is like watching the ocean move. You two are constantly in sync, and your health never drops below 50.

When you two officially start dating and make it public to everyone, she enjoys holding hands and soft pecks on the cheek. She is still a private person, but no harm in making sure the world knows she loves you.

When you two part ways from the others after the final battle, Shadowheart and you take on a tavern of your own in Baldurs Gate. She runs the finances and shipments while you run the entertainment and bar.

~~~~~ BLURB ~~~~~

The grove had been successfully saved. However, not every person at your party was ecstatic that you had made this choice; however, you knew you had made the right choice. With your camp full of new and old faces, you smiled, knowing that this was what you were made for right then. Though saving everyone was great and all, the loud, drunken party happening was the last thing you cared to participate in. You make your rounds to your companions to tell them when you will pack up and head out; you spot Shadowheart pouring herself a glass of wine. As you finish speaking to Karlach, you stand before the princess of the night.

Shadowheart smiles at you, gently extending a glass to you before speaking, "I knew you weren't quite the party type. I am surprised you even allowed this to happen at our camp." You laugh gently, nodding along, taking a swig of the wine. Looking out on your camp, you may not be one for large gatherings, but this was wholesome for the journey ahead. You turned back to Shadowheart as she spoke again, "We could escape from here for a while, allow you time to have a real reprieve from an intense battle versus throwing yourself into more uncomfortable situations." She always knew when you grew discontent with situations and quickly altered your group's direction. Though you may be the leader, your love and compassion for Shadowheart soon made her your second in command, much to Lazel's displeasure.

You nodded briefly to Shadowheart as she gently grabbed your hand and led you to a rock face far from camp. Privacy was excellent, and it allowed your mind to run freely for once since you were tasked with killing the Goblins. As you lounged back, sipping on the wine, Shadowheart looked at you. A simple conversation between you two led to something more intent and kind through the night. That night, you two decided to flourish in your relationship and walk through life together. Once dawn approached you, Shadowheart sat in your lap, staring out into the horizon. You gently moved some hair from her face. You smiled gently, whispering, "Because of you, my world may now be complete; fight with me, Shadowheart, and let our hearts beat as one once we are free again."

~~~~~ EXTRA ~~~~~

(You and Shadowheart had broken off from the group for the evening, taking a short stroll through Baldurs Gate. Thinking about what the future will have in store for you two as you approach the final battle)

Y/N: Princess, what if a life without Shar is genuinely not what you want. I do not want you to feel forced into a life of tavern-keeping with me.

Shadowheart: My goddess has already abandoned me since the trials. I am content now as long as I have you by my side, my love.

Y/N: When did you become so romantic? Weren't you always the brooding, icy-hearted mystery girl?

Shadowheart: That may have been me in the past, but as I have helped you through your trials, you have helped me, and I am grateful for that.

Y/N: (Smiles softly at the woman and leans in to kiss her)

Shadoheart: (places a hand on Y/N's lips, a large smirk evident on her face) However, since you seem to want to pick on me this evening, I could always return to being a brat.

Y/N: Oh, is that so? I am very sure I can handle it, my sweet. (Sweet kisses intensify)

#x reader #bg3 #baulders gate 3 #match up #bg3 x reader #headcanon #baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 #shadowheart x reader #shadowheart bg3 #shadowheart

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landscaping-your-mind · 2 years ago

Text

I really wanted to draw for this episode, but my head's been kind of messed up lately, so I'm just gonna ramble I guess. I've been so excited for this episode :3

Firstly, this is one of my absolute favourite episodes ever, and I Will Not shut up about it, because it's so good! Literal suburban hellscape!! To be honest I relate a little more to the other themes in this episode, being quiet fear, no one knowing or caring that you died in some supernatural suburban hell, and your body is just rotting there. An irrelevant name, an irrelevant face, just another victim of this place. Spooky stuff! Not too afraid of suburbs themselves lol, though I doubt many are.

This episode is SO neat! :D Right, on with the ramble/analysis because I have GREAT words for this episode.

@a-mag-a-day

Content warnings for everything in this episode + some themes of domestic violence/abuse.

Before we go ahead with the episode, here are some highlights from text conversations.

WHEN YOU CANT TRUST COMFORT!! (MAG 162, MAG 170, MAG 181, MAG 186, MAG 187 (to an extent)) MAG 150 (I love Cul-de-Sac and will never shut up about it) MAG 188 but when Jon' talking about how The Lonely is familiar to Martin and how the suburbia domains have quiet suffering (Will never be over that actually i have So Many Feelings) MAG 32 I can make a little quote thig one second actually because I have Thoughts god i'd be so cool on tumblr but i'm too anxious to post there, this is a tragedy [...] "I was going to die. I knew that now, just as she had, just as anyone else who came here had. How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid façade of this endless false suburbia?" Screaming Every time I think about cul-de-sac it becomes even more my favourite statement

(Messages to Mapleejay, 22 December, 2022)

One day I am going to write a statement and it's going to be like eye, lonely, idk, but it's definitely going to be eye and lonely and it's going to be so horrifying because combination false comfort + THAT being desperate for help people watching and laughing and judging but passing by + that line from cul-de-sac I'm obsessed with [...] Being lonely isn't just about being alone physically Being alone in an uncaring crowd [...] No one knows or cares what you're dealing with The line from cul-de-sac is "Her face was bloody but I was sure I didn't recognize her. She had a bag with her, and her ID read "Yetunde Uthman," not a name I'd ever encountered before. Just another victim of this place" but also "How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid facade of this endless false suburbia?" And "I checked to see if I could find anything out about Yetunde Uthman, and I did find a few old social media profiles, but I wasn't able to get through to any family or friends. As far as I can tell she disappeared a year ago and nobody noticed."

(Messages to Mapleejay, 29 December, 2022)

Now, onto the actual reaction, posting it on tumblr dot com because I am no longer too anxious! Hell, I might even post the previously mentioned compilation of quotes with commentary! Fun times.

You’re all alone, trying to connect with people, trying to find your place in the world, but in the end the only person you really know is yourself, and even then, not all that well. There’s plenty of things I’ve done I couldn’t explain to you.

Shout out to that time my sister tried to convince me that she knew me better than I knew myself. Not in a malicious way, mind, we were kids, and she just figured that because she could remember more of my life, she knows me more.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it's for everyone I guess, but here I am with my impulsivity and memory issues having no idea why the hell I did so many of the stupid things I've done. You whole life is just justifying to yourself the decisions you've made, so maybe I'm just not grand at that /hj.

“What an idiot! How the hell could he have done such an obviously stupid thing? How was I surprised it went so badly? What a relief I’m now so much older and wiser.” Except that last part never really turns out to be true, does it? The line of when you were your dumb younger self seems to keep moving forward with you, until each more mature and reasonable version of you eventually falls foul of it and becomes a young idiot.

A year ago, I thought I had really worked on my anger and just become an all-round nicer person to be around, and then I look back and realize that yes, my anger was still very much there, and also that I was quite... passionate? I am still, I'm pretty loud, it comes with the territory, and that can be misinterpreted as or become anger, given the right (or wrong) circumstances.

It's not really worth it, is it. I can berate myself from 4 years ago for being an angry, clingy little prick, but there's not really a point anymore. I understand them, I understand why fae was angry and clingy and sort of mean, and now I know how to not be angry and clingy and mean, and being angry at your younger self really doesn't accomplish anything. This is @ jon sims, pull yourself together man.

The thing is, when we both found ourselves in positions to be working from home, we actually thought it was going to be really good for our relationship. The two of us, spending all our time together; we reckoned it was going to be real romantic. We were real stupid back then.

If I know anything from the statistics of domestic violence in the pandemic, then yeah no. No. Not that their relationship was abusive or anything.

Also, I like how Herman goes from saying how believing you're much older and wiser is a lie, to saying that they were really stupid "back then," there's something in that. I don't know what.

Hell, technically it’s not even a suburb. It’s just a village that looks so much like a suburb that you could pull it up drop it on the edge of any dull town in England and it would look the same.

Can't believe the suburban hellscape episode isn't even set in a suburb.

Just street after street of identical, blandly pleasant houses, all winding around each other in dead ends and cul-de-sacs and one-way streets, making sure every house has plenty of inoffensive garden. I’ve never seen people happily living in a place so obviously dead.

CAN I QUICKLY TALK ABOUT GRASS?

Grass, the short lawn grass, it's not great. It is bad for the environment actually. Suburbs slash neg.

Just that last bit of that paragraph. Real.

I’d say that cheating on him was a foolish act of past me, but honestly, it’s one of the few decisions I’ve ever made that I completely understand. I didn’t even try to hide it, not really, and when he found out and it all ended, I kind of hated myself for just how relieved I was that I’d finally be able to leave that place, to get in my car and drive away from that gentle suburban nightmare.

I like that phrase, "gentle suburban nightmare."

I got a cheap apartment in Liverpool and tried to tell myself I was happier. The single life, footloose and … sitting at home binging bad TV. I tried to get back into the club scene, but honestly, I think I’m just too old now. The music was too loud, the drinks were too expensive and the sort of thing I used to take to be dancing all night now hit me with a comedown so hard that I had to write off almost the entire week.

As mentioned above, I don't really think The One Alone is only about physical isolation. It can be, sure, but I feel like it's also about the failure to connect. There are so many people and none of them see you, and you don't see them, and there's an insurmountable difference between you and them.

It didn’t help that, over the course of a ten-year relationship, “my friends” had become “our friends” and there weren’t any of them siding with me in this situation. Some would drop platitudes about maybe reconnecting after the fallout was done with, but I know when I’m being handled by people who “don’t want to create any more drama.”

✨ loosing all of your friends at once ✨

Ah... good times, good times.

It's like, not only have you lost one person, then you lose everyone, and if you had anyone left you just sort of... assume you don't. It's so easy to cut yourself off, and when you've done it once you can do it again, and again, and again, and again.

I don’t know. I was younger, then. Foolish.

There is something there!

Then Jon does a litte laugh, assuming in statement character, so I'm guessing the statement giver was laughing at himself. Neat detail.

It was late when I got to what I thought was his street, driving through the one-way signs and well-maintained gardens that bordered that snaking road. The sun had disappeared, but the sky was still fairly light, that late-summer twilight that seems to just drag on forever.

Mate, I love the aesthetic of the fog and The Lonely, but that's not really what feels lonely to me. This feels lonely, slightly humid, sun shining into your eyes, slight breeze, no one around, flat and empty.

Yes, I know I'm just describing an Ontario summer.

There was no answer at any of them. There were no lights on behind the drawn curtains, and all the house numbers were zero.

It's so freaky! The growing dread, you know this could almost be an I Do Not Know You statement, what with the things playing at being normal houses, and the tv show shown later.

I wished I hadn’t thrown away the wristwatch Alberto had given me, but it was too late for those regrets.

I may be reaching, but could this be a microcosm of Herman's regret at having thrown away him and Alberto's relationship, and seeing it as too late to salvage it. Now he's left with no way to tell the time, as it were, in a manifestation of The Lonely.

At the start, I was counting how many houses I passed, but when I got to a hundred, I stopped. It was beginning to eat away at my careful rationalisations, and I couldn’t allow that.

I'm just highlighting it because I find it interesting how his mind works. Not in a bad way or even a good way. It just is.

I marched up to a nearby front door, prepared to kick in the flimsy-looking wood, but trying the handle revealed it was unlocked. I don’t know why I picked that house. It was exactly identical to all the others, and I’ve often wondered if there was anything that drew me to it. Perhaps I was just unlucky, or perhaps there only ever was one house.

I just really like this section. "Perhaps there only ever was one house," should be up there with "the blanket never did anything," as creepy lines. The theme of inevitability. This is going to happen, there is only one possible way this can end.

It feels tired, that's the lonely to me. Just being tired. You can cry all you want, you can be afraid but... at the end you're just tired and alone and it hasn't changed a thing. Inevitability in that way.

Or maybe, inevitability that you were always going to be alone. Maybe there's just something wrong with you.

Hhhh I love this episode so so so so so much.

The lights worked, which was a relief, and the inside looked exactly how I expected it to. And I mean, exactly how I expected it to: from the blank IKEA furniture, to the subtly-patterned cream wallpaper, to the picture frames lining the wall containing what were clearly stock photos, each of a different family pantomiming a scene of domestic bliss.

Firstly, the line "pantomiming a scene of domestic bliss" is just so... I love it so much. I love this episode so much. A family home, a happy family home from the outside looking in.

Secondly:

I did find several pictures of her and her new boyfriend though, which puts my mind somewhat at ease. Well, mostly. There’s something about him that doesn’t seem quite right. Something about the smile, maybe? I mean, they’re all pictures of Sasha and Tom, as I’m told his name is, having fun together, but… it’s hard to put into words exactly, but every one of them looks somehow like a stock photo.

(MAG 57 - Personal Space)

I could point to this and say that this is an example of it potentially being The Stranger, however I'm going to use it to point out something else.

You’re thinking too literally. Examining the physical categorisation, but ignoring the meaning of the thing. What are the bones? In the Distortion, your “Michael”, the structure of a skeleton, an established reality in your mind, is twisted and warped into an impossible form. But in other cases? Are they a symbol of slaughter and butchery? Are they the familiar made wrong? Or are they simply part of the messy, physicality of flesh?

(MAG 80 - The Librarian)

What matters is what it is, in this case the stock photos, what matters is what it means, what it makes the person looking at it feel. In Tom and Not!Sasha's case, it's representing how Not!Sasha is pantomiming as a real person, everything looks like a stock photo because she isn't actually a person going on dates with her boyfriend, she's pretending to be.

The stock photos in this episode are representing the pretense of this home where atrocities are committed being a normal family home. It's set up like a little suburban home, beige walls, sofa tv, family pictures, lovely place to raze a child - sorry raise a child - just so long as you ignore the blood dripping down from upstairs!

She was talking, or at least, it sounded like she was. The cadence and the sounds were so much like English that it took me almost a full minute to realise that she wasn’t actually saying words.

I recently relistened to episode 48 - Lost in the Crowd, and it's reminded me just how much I like the little bits of it focused on language. Easy to feel alienated when you don't know what people are saying.

The Lonely and The Stranger are pretty similar - one could say that they're part of the same thing and separating them with no room for nuance was a stupid thing fictionalized Robert Smirke - but yeah I mean, it's pretty easy to feel lonely in a crowd of people you don't know. The Lukas', the crowd, these people on the TV, they're all strangers, people you don't know who you feel scared of.

It's interpretation, really.

I hit the remote again. A shopping channel. The host was a tall, clean-shaven man with close-cropped hair. He was holding a brick and talking about it in that same flow of non-words, that still had a familiar salesman’s patter. The screen scrolled the message “buy now!”, though there was neither price nor contact details, as this man, who wouldn’t look at the camera, earnestly pretended to sell me a brick.

Firstly, Spamton G. Spamton is that you? Secondly, this is so freaky, I like it a lot. Just someone really trying to sell you a brick in complete gibberish, that's just so cool! Jonny just blew it out of the water with this one (it's my favourite non-metaplot episode).

I didn’t know them, as it turned out.

OOOOH JUST! HM! Just another person, dead upstairs, unknown even in death, not missed, alone even in death.

"I didn't know them."

She had a bag with her, and her ID read ‘Yetunde Uthman’ – not a name I’d ever encountered before. Just another victim of this place.

The line "just another victim of this place" is making me so unbelievably bouncing at the walls, tearing and ripping. Just another person, one of a million, just happened to be here, just another victim of this place.

I... don't know how to describe what I'm thinking when I hear that line. Just another victim of this place, just another poor unfortunate soul (in pain, in need) who somehow stumbled upon this suburban hellscape and died for it. Just another person with no one who would miss them, no one who'd notice they were gone. Just another lonely person, one of millions.

I am so abnormal about that line.

It looked as though she had forced her head through the mirror on the dressing table, the shards cutting her face and neck to ribbons, a particularly large piece piercing her jugular, spilling blood all down the unremarkable white table and onto the light brown carpet below. I don’t think she’d been dead that long, but I’m not a doctor and I didn’t really try to check.

I like how it's noted that their blood was spilled onto another piece of set dressing for this ordinary suburban household. "Spilling blood all down the unremarkable white table and onto the light brown carpet below." Noting the how the table is "unremarkable"... I just think that's neat, you know? How her blood has shattered the illusion of a normal home, a normal family posing in the picture frames.

How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid façade of this endless false suburbia?

Quiet terror. Private terror - you can't let anyone know. Put up a united front, and let things fall apart at home. Houses so put together in the front exactly like the others, but when you get inside there is the unmistakable sent of rot.

I need to write something with this, good lord.

Also, this reminds me of a line in 188.

ARCHIVIST But if you think there’s a lack of violence or suffering, then I’m afraid you’re mistaken. There’s plenty, it’s just… hidden. Trapped behind identical doors and down silent streets of unknown neighbours. The suffering here is deep. And it’s private.

(MAG 188 - Centre of Attention)

I say this as if I did not already think this already. I was not just reminded, I think about this podded cast quite a bit.

He was calling me; I don’t know how. But the tears came even faster now, as I answered, sobbing with relief to hear him yelling at me for taking so long. Had I forgotten? Was I even planning to bother? I tried to reply, to explain, but all I could manage to say, to get through the shaking sobs, was, “I love you.”

That's just a really beautiful moment, you think you're going to die and then you remember you love someone, and then someone comes to help you, because people love each other.

It's just... I really love that the way to beat The Lonely is love. Being loved, loving, not necessarily romantically, but human connection, love from person to person, in families, romantic partners, strangers, friends.

I think it's really great, I think this moment is really great, and I know Gerry says there are no entities of hope or love but I don't think we need them, 'cause we love enough on our own.

We’re working on it, the two of us. We’re not exactly back together yet, but I think it’s going well.

Yay! Fuck yeah! They're okay, or they're getting there, and you know what, great for them, great for them. Goddamn horror podcast with hope? And love? Hhhhh /pos.

As far as I can tell, she disappeared a year ago. And nobody noticed.

I've said this before in this, and I'll say it again. That really gets to me. Just being alone there, having no one even look for you, notice that you're gone, even care.

It's... horrible.

It’s not that easy though. When everyone has so many walls, so many defences, sometimes you can feel lonely even when you’re all in the same room. But it’s better than the alternative, and at least none of us are suffering alone.

That must be so awkward, like they all have so much baggage with each other, what do they do? Play scrabble? Jenga? They can't play cards 'cause Jon would accidentally cheat - or they'd accuse Jon of accidentally cheating - which sucks, because Sevens is fun. I learned Sevens from some guy in a pub in Ireland. It was fun.

MELANIE Jon, have you got a moment? ARCHIVIST Uh, course, I was just, um, having a statement. MELANIE Oh … A-an old one? ARCHIVIST Wha— Yes, an old one! I’m not— I’m doing my best. MELANIE Sure. ARCHIVIST What do you want?

My first reaction was "there was no reason for it to get so antagonistic in five seconds, Melanie" but then I reconsidered, and I understand why Melanie would say that, but why did she though? Like, what was the reason? He's in his office? The statement's right in front of him? Why? Like, fine, whatever, I get it, I can be nice and nuanced or whatever, but sometimes I don't want to and I want to get a bit miffed at Melanie for making it an angry conversation when it didn't have to be.

MELANIE Look, I’m not going to do my job anymore. ARCHIVIST I’m not sure I follow. You know we can’t quit. We’ve all tried. MELANIE I didn’t say I was going to quit. I said I’m not going to do my job: no researching, no filing, no field trips, nothing that is going to help the Institute in any way. I’ll still be around, I just … I can’t be a part of this anymore. If I get sick, I get sick, and if I die …

I get why they were still doing their jobs, out of the fear of getting sick or dying from it.

MELANIE Because this place is evil, Jon. And so, doing this job, helping it out, even in small ways, is in some ways evil tool. Every time we try to use it to do good, it just seems to make everything worse. And … And I will not be a part of that anymore. ARCHIVIST What about the Unknowing? W-we saved the world. MELANIE Did we? I-I mean, I think it was the right thing to do, but how many people were killed to do it? W-we weren’t even a neutral party. We did it as agents of The Eye, because Elias told us to.

Yeah! Yeah it is evil! Good on Melanie, honestly, for Jon it's... less of an option, but I'm glad Melanie's doing it. Also why is she nearly spot on-

MELANIE Martin put him there. A-and he’s still doing harm! You ever think that maybe this whole ritual business is just an excuse, and that we’re all just part of some huge, miserable fear machine?

So, what if I told you-

I mean, she's not wrong. She is not wrong.

Does this count as striking? Is she striking from her evil eye job?

MELANIE Right, right, okay. I know. That is why I ruined my first four sessions and almost torpedoed the chance at a genuinely really good therapist, because I was so paranoid that she was going to turn out to be some … some thing trying to manipulate me. But no. She’s not full of spiders, or made of wax, or wearing the therapist’s skin or whatever. She’s just a well-trained professional, who I am paying to help me.

Look hm I'm just, I'm cheerleading. Go Melanie! (woo) Idk what to say. Don't really care about this post statement.

MELANIE Look, I didn’t come here for a fight. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. If you need me, I’ll be trying to get Daisy drunk.

Hey, I mean. High stress situation, they're bound to be a bit snappy. And by them I do mean both of them, whatever, my blorbo isn't infallible or something.

I don't really care about the post statement.

In conclusion, I love this statement so much. I think it's really cool, I like the themes of quiet and private terror, and love saving people. Cul-de-Sac my absolute beloved, I started this at ~4pm, it is now ~8:30pm.

#the magnus archives #tma #a mag a day #mag 150 #the lonely #tma meta #landscaping-your-mind-chapter-one

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herofics · 2 years ago

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Hello, hello! I saw your recent post about Hawks comforting a suicidal reader, and I got curious with other writing prompts you made. Little did I know, I would grow to love it very much! I'll definitely read more of your posts in my spare time, thank you for making these!

Anyways, I hope I didn't catch you in a bad time. IF, and only IF you're feeling up to it, I'd like to request a Hawks x female reader who has AWFUL social skills and stutters a lot. It's not that she has anxiety, but it happens too often to the point people sometimes misunderstand her. Nonetheless, she tries REALLY hard to communicate with people, especially with Hawks. Little did anyone know, she has a passion for drawing! One day, the reader decided to finally confess her feelings to Hawks; however, there's a twist. The reader was never really good with words in the first place. Instead, she decided to give him a sketchbook filled with little sketches, paintings and complete drawings of him, the reader, or together, with a bit of aesthetic shtick going on (old timey newspapers, Latin quotes in papyrus, colorful pressed flowers, you know, those kinds of dark/light academia aesthetics you see everywhere). To add the cherry on top, a note on top of the sketchbook says, "You are the walking embodiment of the quote, 'What if I fall? But darling, what if you fly?' Thank you for inspiring me to be bolder and for being with me. I love and appreciate you, Chicken Feet."

I'm not sure if this idea had been done, but don't feel pressured to do it whether or not it has been written down. Again, thank you very much, and I wish you the best day!

Have a Chikim Kigs for all your troubles ^^

Sounds very familiar tbh, I’m super awkward and anxious socially, and I absolutely suck at talking to people. When I really need to tell someone something, I write it down and send it to them as a message, because I suck at talking. I think this is a really cute idea and I hope I did it justice. I have a masterlist in the pinned post where you can find all my stuff categorized by character. I hope you have a great day, I’m certainly having a good one :D

•You’re not very good with talking to people, but you do really try

•People still seem to misunderstand you a lot, and sometimes they even get irritated at you

•Sometimes people just don’t even make the effort to understand, but Hawks does

•He’s very patient with you and if he feels like he’s maybe misunderstanding you, he asks more questions to make sure and the situation usually resolves itself like that

•You and Hawks have been friends for a while now, and you’ve fallen for him pretty hard

•You’re not at all sure if he would return your feelings, he’s always been pretty hard to read and not just for you

•Hawks doesn’t really reveal much about himself, even to the people closest to him, but he does feel really safe and relaxed with you

•You started working on your little sketchbook project about a month before you gave it to Hawks

•It was a fun project but when you finally decided it was ready and you wanted to give it to him, you were super nervous

•You didn’t know how he was going to react, but you knew that if he was going to reject your feelings, he was going to do it kindly, that’s just the kind of person he is

•Hawks came over to your place since you were going to go to lunch from there

•You seemed really nervous for some reason, which he picked up on immediately

•So of course he asked you if something was wrong, and you just handed him the sketchbook and requested he would take a look at it

•He started flipping through it and you could see his pupils getting bigger with each page, like cat’s eyes do

•He was also smiling like a total dork, because he was so happy

•You felt a wave of relief wash over you as he flipped through it and he seemed to be very happy with what he was seeing

•Hawks had been super nervous about telling you how he felt, because he didn’t really know if you would return his feelings

•Your lack of social skills make you a bit hard for him to read, but he did have an inkling about you maybe liking him back

•When he got to the end of the sketchbook, he saw your little text bit with the “Thank you for inspiring me to be bolder and for being with me. I love and appreciate you, chicken feet”

•He suddenly hugged you were tightly and whispered in your ear “I love you too, dove”

•You felt all the nervousness leave your body as he said that and you hugged him back after you got over the initial shock

•You were so happy he returned your feelings and also that he liked your way of confessing to him

•Hawks is over the moon and the two of you also go through the sketchbook together because he wants to know how you made it

#bnha #mha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #hawks #bnha hawks #mha hawks #takami keigo #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #mha fluff #bnha fluff #mha x reader #bnha x reader #mha fanfiction #bnha fanfiction

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fadebolt · 1 year ago

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yo, i just got to watching west, awesome seeing you as gourmand’s voice! very good job you did :)

also, love your room reviews. it’s so nice hearing about both shared and personal experiences, especially in a game so large. it’s a shame i’m always late to the voting…

Hey, thanks a lot! :D

I'm honestly really taken aback by just how many people liked the voice. Maybe I should have expected it, since people did have a ton of praise for the Spearmaster, Rivulet and Artificer VAs too, but I like to be cautious about my optimism, and I did want to have an open mindset towards potential criticism (so much so that I straight up asked North not to moderate non-positive comments, just in case... which seems to have not been necessary, just as she predicted xd)

But also keep in mind that outside of the times when I did 'haha funny French Scav' voices, I wouldn't really get many people talking about my performances. I imagine this largely came down to the fact that SC already had a ton of established VAs for important characters within Pansear's comics, which often left me mostly with side characters that don't have much screentime (plus live dubs are harder than prerecorded stuff, plus I was often cutting out cus of Discord being Discord, and me having an inconsistent internet connection).

So this is the first time where I'm seeing people say they're headcanoning me as a character (...even if it's a bit ironic for it to be Gour, due to me being kinda skinny and anti-social), which is why I'm so pumped by this. And what's even more fun is that when I showed it to my IRL friends, they legit didn't realize that Gourmand was using my voice, until I told them, and if that ain't a success, then I don't know what is.

Anyways, slightly narcissistic voiceover related rambling aside, I'm really happy that you're liking the room stuff.

Whenever you're putting out something onto the internet, it can get rather difficult to tell whether people give a shit, unless there's a big number on the screen (definitely one of its more annoying traits when compared to the real world, for sure). So I really appreciate this bit of positive reinforcement, and seeing the poll account mentioning me definitely got me squealing (I know they didn't mention me by name, but come on, it was obvious)

Speaking of polls, there's a region one coming up pretty soon, and you can expect some comparisons and ratings on them soon. The new poll's host is also quite anxious about whether or not they're gonna be getting enough traction, so I wholeheartedly encourage you and everyone else to participate in the region tournament, especially since that one is gonna have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less polls than the room tournament.

And don't worry about missing some polls. I did too. The timer on them is only 24 hours, and they've been going on for a while, so it's basically inevitable, lol. But discussions about RW experiences is indeed a ton of fun, I have to agree.

#ask #fade answers

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autisticempathydaemon · 2 years ago

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Ship Song Tag Game!

(do we have a name for this I dunno that sounded so awkward)

I’ve had a week, but I’ve been looking forward to sharing my favorite Redacted songs! Thank you, @bratty-telepath , for the tag 💜

I didn't care much how long I lived/ But I swear I thought I dreamed her/ She never asked me once about the wrong I did

Erik tried to kill my Alexis/Christian dreams, but too bad, I’m a Pisces. Y’all know not the escapist denial I am capable of. I love all Hozier songs, but I especially love listening to this from Alexis’s point of view, her being at her deepest and lowest and being loved no matter what.

I ask if you play D&D/ And your face lights up like you've woken up/ From this endless fucking nightmare of pretending this is you/ This is us, this is me and this how we're meant to be

This is the Freelancer/Lasko song, and it’s also just so beautiful. It’s literally about two awkward, lonely people breaking through societal convention and small talk and getting to the real parts of each other; I love it.

Hi/ I'm your friendly neighborhood poltergeist/ Nobody ever looks at me twice/ I'm used to being see-through/ But it feels so bad when it happens with you/ Wish you'd see me the way I see you

This is just Regulus pining before he reveals himself to Doll, and it’s so good.

You were red and you liked me 'cause I was blue/ But you touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky/ And you decided purple just wasn't for you

My favorite Marcus/Love song. I actually based some of my Love design off this song where their eyes are a glowing, bright, cybernetic blue before the code activation and pink during it. After the osmium undone, their eyes stay purple and can’t be changed back.

But here's a map, here's a shovel/ Here's my Achilles' heel/ I'm all in, palms out/ I'm at your mercy now and I'm ready to begin/ I am strong, I am strong, I am strong enough to let you in

This is a song specifically about Type 8 Enneagram, which I do think Sam and Darlin both are, about having had to be strong and tough and solid your whole life and having the courage to be soft and vulnerable with the people who love you. It’s also gorgeous, it really builds.

They don't know you/ Not like I do/ Only you and I were meant to be

I love a good, heckin yandere song more than the next person, and this one is my favorite. It fuckin bops and is a great Ivan/Baby song.

Take me back to the night we met/ And then I can tell myself/ What the hell I'm supposed to do/ And then I can tell myself/ Not to ride along with you

Now hear me out- Listen to this song. Imagine it from Sam’s perspective. Imagine it from Alexis’s. Think about how they’re both different but both so sad, and get back to me. It’s haunting and melancholy, and I love it.

Get hitched in a chapel in Vegas/ Maybe get rich, life is a craps game/ And I take my cue, from you/ On what you wanna do 'bout a last name/ It's not so bad to be a Watsky

A fun song I really like that I think also works for Vincent/Lovely. It just kind of gives the vibe of him knowing that they’ve been through a lot, that this isn’t how he wanted their love story to go, but he’s in, he’s behind them and so is his whole family.

You could kill me and you should/ I'm an idiot for thinking/ This was anything but blood/ On the wall, on the couch/ On the corner of my mouth/ You must like being the victim/ You've done nothing to get out

Quinn and Darlin’s “dalliance” was almost definitely really toxic and bloody and sexy, and this is the soundtrack to it, and I want to see it.

Then I see you, you're walking 'cross the campus/ Cruel professor, studying romances/ How am I supposed to pretend/ I never want to see you again?

I am going to put a Bee/Lasko song on here, because I am the controller of my destiny and my blog. Lasko is the cutest dude on the DAMN campus, and I just like making my little empathy daemon pine for him it’s sweet~

Tagging: @k9rage @angelnoodlesoup @just-call-me-angel and anyone who hasn’t been tagged yet!

#RedactedASMR #Redacted asmr #Redacted audio #redactedaudio #Redacted #redactedverse #Spotify

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majaloveschris · 2 years ago

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I tend to walk just like him on that pap walk vid when I'm uncomfortable with something. I've never seen a video where Chris was walking like that, even accompany or not accompanied with someone. The way he walks hunched over – I'd understand if he was walking like that to hear something she was saying, but it doesn't seem like she's saying anything –, the way he rubs his hands together all the time and tries to hide them in his pocket every time Alba lets go, these are clearly signs of someone who was nervous, not nervous irritated but anxious nervous.//

There’s another video of him and her not aware they are being filmed and this video took place mere minutes AFTER the pap video of him speed walking and holding her hand. How do we know? Because there was a song playing in the background and it was playing during their walk….so you tell us why a man so in love can’t hold his gfs hand for the duration of a three minute song. Also tell me why when Alba saw the camera she reached for Chris’ hand and his goes in his pocket as he LOOKS to see if his hired photographer caught that. Also as something with anxiety if I’m with a person I love and trust you better believe I’m holding their hand for support and comfort. So if he was as you say anxious than there’s a bigger issue here if he put his hand in his pocket vs reaching out for hers in his distress.

It’s not social anxiety because he was so confident when they were on the stairs, he was cool and casual even in the video I mentioned about. I have an anxiety disorder , please don’t use his anxiety as a crutch, he’s willfully in this mess, he made his bed and he shall lay in it. Chris does have anxiety I’ve seen his small gestures and coping mechanisms during red carpets and various interviews….he displayed none of that during neither pap video. He purposely looked like that, he was selling a narrative and failed.

Too much has happened since November where even those who thought this was a legit relationship have enough actual proof to question everything. If they are real, this is a toxic ass relationship and he’s dating a racist.

I also see why celebrities get away with things, they make the narrative questionable so even if things look shitty, the way the situation is presented will have you questioning your own sanity and looking at a different perspective and going….”well I can understand it this way or that”

Anon, the above isn’t in a rude or mean tone, I just type too fast and type as things come to my head. I’m frustrated at Chris but probably shouldn’t be because no one forced me to believe his image.

This entire shitshow is shit. I also thought this could be real at one point but it’s just too much obvious bs going on that I’m just like idc anymore. I’m most concerned if Chris is a lowkey racist for associating with these people.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I think that hand video told more than it just being a video but I’ll agree to disagree. ☺️🥺Social anxiety sucks and I hope yours gets better, mine ruined my life and I feel like a failure because I feel it’s my fault and I allowed it to.

Wishing you all a great week. 🫶👋

You can clearly see on that video that he doesn't want to hold her hands. It would be weird all alone, but if we even add his anxiety and the fact that she is his lover and the person who makes him the happiest, she should make him more comfortable and less anxious. And looking at that video, she did the exact opposite, because he would rather put his hands in his pocket. It's not like she wanted to hold his hands, because the only reason she went for them was because she realized that somebody might be filming them.

I can imagine that he was anxious about this whole situation, and I guess by that time he'd realized he'd made a big mistake. However, if it wasn't because of this, he would have behaved differently with Alba.

I also think that if he wanted, he could sell this relationship. I wouldn't say he is trying, though. I don't think he is rude, but I see where you're coming from.

Anxiety is a really tricky thing, so don't blame yourself, please. You do your best, and you're trying; that's what matters ❤️

#majaloveschris #chris and alba pr #chris and alba in nyc #cevans-love

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perplexingluciddreams · 2 years ago

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been a while, typed a bit of an update

as of now, my therapist has diagnosed me with selective mutism. She said it was less about the accuracy of the diagnosis and more so hoping that an official diagnosis could help

On the 7th we will be seeing a specialist in selective mutism.

my school has thoughts. however basically in a way they might kick me out. It's a very small school and they think they don't really have the resources to support me.

in this social skills group, 1 girl said "well if 🍋 can't talk or chooses not to talk it doesn't really matter"

guy who runs the group is Ok, but during a meeting he asked about my iPad case than took my iPad. Eventually held my hand out for him to give it back and he waved his hand back and went "what, just taking a peek"

he also told the group about my diagnosis of selective mutism and talking without ever asking me if it was ok

it surprises me how people closer to my age are sometimes more accepting and respectful than the adults who should be, like you

the thought of going off anon has been invading my mind more often. how terrifying (whichever tone you read it in, not sure myself Imao)

-🍋

Lovely to hear from you again, however I am sorry you sound to be having a difficult time.

I’m glad you at least have an official diagnosis, I hope that will prove helpful. And fingers crossed the specialist can help in some way.

The school situation and social skills group situation sounds difficult. I don’t really know what to say about it, but even though I can’t “put myself in your shoes”, I’m still sorry it’s happening. Especially having your iPad taken, it makes me so anxious when people take my things, because I always automatically assume people have good intentions (or just don’t question it), then if they won’t give it back or invade my privacy I get really upset. I hope you weren’t too upset about it and if you were/are, I am very sorry.

I really do think our generation is generally more accepting and more aware. Although not always, but I’m glad that we have found each other at least - and if there’s two of us, surely there’s others out there too! I try to keep that mindset even when I feel like I’m alone and the only one experiencing this (whatever “this” may be, it can apply to different situations).

If you want to go off anon, I’d be happy to learn a bit more about you, and interact the same. If not, I still love getting these asks, and I’ll still continue to interact with you the same way. If you want to take it in “baby steps”, then that’s okay too! Maybe just telling me one detail about you to start off with, or if you’re scared of the posts being on my blog, you’re welcome to send a private message (just introduce yourself as 🍋!! :D). I don’t know what tone you mean terrifying in, but I hope this was the right response anyway.

Hope to hear from you again as soon as you can/want 👍🏻😊

#🍋 anon

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eideticly-strange-one · 6 months ago

Text

Welcome to my bizarre corner of the internet!

Think of this as my Card (or however you spell it)

List of Trigger Warnings Below The Cut! PLEASE DO NOT SKIP!!!

This blog and this post will contain the following triggers:

Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Forced Starvation, Discussions of Mental Health, Extreme Chronic Pain, Cults, SA, Attempted Murder, DID-esque Things, Disassociation. More to be added as I think of them…

I’ve made this blog to chronicle my weird ass journey through my somehow even weirder ass brain. 🧠

About me:

General Shit

I’m an adult 👨‍🌾

I’m a spoonie 🥄

(In my case that means I have Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, every single joint of mine has a ganglion cyst pushin’ it apart 👌, possible MS but I’m too poor to test for it (MRI’s are expensive!), Diabetic af 🍭, and other things probably but I can’t think well atm 😵‍💫)

Cult Survivor

Domestic Abuse Survivor

Child Abuse Survivor

SA Survivor

Engaged Gay Guy 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 (eyyyy that’s a nice one :D I’m not all horrific!)

Lucid Dreamer. In my dreams, you control Dream. Not other way around. I started doing this for sure at age four.

BRAIN STUFF!!

Complex PTSD

OCD (but not your stereotypical type. Nope 🙂‍↔️ instead of cleaning like crazy 🙄 I can’t clean sometimes because I’m convinced my dog or fiancé will die if I do! So my trash becomes precious in the sense it’s keeping my loved ones alive. Fun!) (Also I’m a chronic skin picker! Check out my scabs 😏)

Horrific ADHD! It’s so fun to have a vast and useless knowledge of randomness but if you asked me to tell ya what I did five minutes ago I wouldn’t be able to, even if you had a gun to my head 😬 (Forgetting what you are saying as you’re saying it squad STAND UP!) And my time blindness is insane…

Maladaptive Daydreaming. (Say hello to my fake scenarios! … oh… they don’t actually care that you said hi… sorry…)

Hyperphantasia… I used to think everyone was like this. Turns out nope! Ever imagine, in horrifying detail, what it would be like to be stabbed and then you get stabbed and it feels the same? No? Oh… lol yeah me neither 😳

Eidetic Imagery. This one is so fun when you have horrific traumas to fondly look back on against your will 🙂 Plus side I impressed my art teacher by drawing an apple from memory and it was better than my attempt at copying from life (it’s easier when you can hold the apple in your imaginary hand to get better angles ^_^

Generalized Anxiety disorder! I’m generally anxious! About what? You tell me, man, you tell me…

Severe Social Anxiety Disorder! I’ve had this since before I can remember (my memory starts at my first birthday party, so that’s pretty cool of me 😎)

Atypical Panic Attacks! Since waaaaaaay before my traumas I’d just be sittin’ somewhere doin’ something I like and then BAM! Incredible amounts of adrenaline start surging through my system! For no reason! This one took my first psychiatrist a while to accept. He was convinced I was doing or thinking something that triggered me but nope! It’s just random. Like my dumb ass 😁

Dyscalculia! I read numbers backwards! Do math backwards! I cannot judge distance to save my life! Reading one of those round clock things is impossible! I cannot tell left from right! Even though my Dad tried to ‘train me’ by saying which side he was going to punch and I had duck in the other direction! If I didn’t get punched it was pure dumb luck 🍀

Dyslexia! ‘Cause why not have another Dys syndrome! I have made progress on this one however, by a considerable amount, because I’m a writer (against my will be eh) 📖

Autism. If you call me ‘Aspie’ I will find your ass. And no, I will not be nice. My object of study (special interest is demeaning, don’t @ me) is vague af. It’s stories. And horror. Horror stories REALLY scratch that itch. I read stories and watch/read/view horror from around the globe and am compulsed to compare and contrast. I’ve found you never really learn a new culture until you’ve absorbed their stories into your soul.

Now it’s time for the ACTUALLY weird shit!

Ever since I can remember, if I thought something, I would see that instead of what my eyes were looking at! It took me until fourteen to learn how to make it a transparent-ish overlay instead of blacking out my vision! Walked into a lot of doors and poles. Sometimes houses. Once a barn. Many trees… 🌳

This one relates to the first one I think. When I read I watch a movie. I cannot for the life of me understand how people read the words and don’t see a film playing out instead. If it’s a tech manual I either see someone reading it to me, or my dyslexia kicks into high gear and the words jumble up into chaos. This also makes me ‘read’ slower than most, as the voices and images have to go at the pace of a film. My fiancé reads so fast because he doesn’t even hear a voice in his head when he does it. That’s so fuckin’ bizarre of him /j.

I have a mind palace. Yeah yeah go on and roll your eyes. I read about it when I was a teenager and thought it was interesting. I figured I can imagine whatever I want in extreme detail (even things I’ve never seen before), so I made one. I use it to store characterizations. And bad memories. So it’s a character storage closet and a way to compartmentalize. I also play piano in the foyer, next to the main entrance, which is the Gates of Hell buy Auguste Rodin. I enter it by suddenly walking into the foyer. The Gates of Hell lead to any room I want. There is also a hall in front of the foyer. I enter on the… okay so if you’re facing the Gates I enter on the Left side (I had to make an L with my fingers Dx) and if you go right down the hall, past the foyer, there are rows of doors on either side of the hall, which hold frequently visited rooms. I also have the White Room, which I enter to experience nothing. With extreme pain, either mental of physical, I can go into the room and not exist for a while. This does not however mean I’m passed out. I’m getting to that part though…

I see characters from books and films as actual people. Like out and about doing things. As a child I thought they were real. By four I realized no one else saw them. I would still talk to them/play with them often. I still see them, but now it’s more voluntary.

Building off that when I lived with my extremely abusive Ex Husbands parents, (who were actively starving me to death at the time, but I didn’t realize because they had good excuses and did it slowly until all food was cut off very suddenly when I was too weak to do anything about it) I had an extreme amount of stress and anxiety. My ex was in a band, which meant that every single night we were gigging and I had to schmooze for him. I was forced to talk and charm members of other bands, producers, mixers, fans, you name it. I couldn’t handle it. I just COULD. NOT. DO. IT!!! So, one of those characters I see all the time came to me in my mind palace (that’s where they live) and invited me to his bar for some drinks (I can feel drunk while I’m in the palace, it’s pretty cool. I can also eat in there during times of starvation and it helps with the pain). He offered to do the socializing for me. So I said yes. And that’s how I spent the next six months primarily as Dean Winchester. I don’t remember much of this time. And I got into a lot of awkward situations (he was a bisexual fuckboy and I’m gay… so I had about thirteen girlfriends, with my ex’s permission as long as he could date them too… I do know, thanks to Dean telling me, that the reason I had so many was because my ex Husband was so creepy he’d scare them off. Apparently the girls offered to keep dating me, just not the ex, but per my ex’s rules, I always declined). I do remember some things though. I would say I was myself about thirty percent of the time.

Things began to escalate… years later, when I got with my more serious ex gf, things ramped up a lot. We were in the process of buying a house and adopting a child, when the birth mom lost custody to her bigoted parents who hated me even though I’d been raising their grandchild since nine months old (she was roughly two and a half at the time). They knew I was ‘bisexual’ and so thought I was of the devil. I never saw my child again (she was MY child. I still mourn her loss. It’s so strange to mourn someone who’s still alive). After that the characters in my head started coming out without talking to me first. Whenever my emotions got to be too much it was like a failsafe kicked in and they’d come out. Idk how else to explain it. My ex gf caught on, and at first was convinced I had Dissociative Identity Disorder which meant I was therefore dangerous. She was afraid to sleep next to me in case I had an ‘Evil alter’ who’d kill her on her sleep. Eventually she got over that and decided to start learned manipulating me via the characters. If I didn’t want to or couldn’t do something, someone in my head probably could. She’d purposefully trigger them to get her way and then gaslight me about it. My ability to speak with most characters was very limited at that time, so she got away with it for a while. She explained my blank periods as me being blackout drunk, having a bottle of liquor she’d poured out as the proof. Eventually I realized what was happening, as I was able to figure out how to be in more contact with each character in my head. They told me what she was doing… But like an idiot I stayed with her, thinking no one else would accept me. She ended up breaking up with me anyway when I ran out of money. Came around a few times after when I had money again. I’ve blocked her for good at this point 👍

I started using the characters more and more, strengthening my mind palace. I ended up telling my bff at the time about it and he accepted it easily. Never once thought it made me dangerous. He’s even made friends with some of the people in my head. He has his favorites, and his not so favorites xD Btw, he ended up becoming my fiancé 😘

We’ve discovered the characters can do incredible feats of strength and willpower. If I’m about to pass out from pain (which happens frequently) I go into the white room and one of them comes out. One time we had to walk two hours to a gas station at 2am. I couldn’t do it. I convened with my characters and we decided one of them could do it the best (my fiancés least favorite unfortunately). Him and my fiancé ended up going at a march, army style, and made it there and back in fifty minutes. That would’ve been a four hour walk if it had been me attempting it. I was in INCREDIBLE pain when I came to, and was also confronted with the stupid amount of drama the character had caused by being a gossiping bitch. But what mattered was that we’d done it. Well, they’d done it. Some fucking how. The characters can come out when I’m in a severe blood sugar crash and instruct my fiancé on how to help, whereas before they appeared I was a mumbling mess. Sometimes when I’m doing very unwell it feels like bench pressing 300 pounds getting them to come out, but it’s doable.

What does all this mean?

I reeeeeaaalllly don’t think I have DID. It doesn’t seem like other people I know who have it. That’s why I’m making this blog. I’d like to see if I can find like-crazed people out there, get their opinions, discuss possibilities. If you have eidetic imagery, maladaptive daydreaming, FPP (Fantasy Prone Personality Disorder), or even DID, I’d like to hear from you.

I’ll add to this later with a list of characters who I’ll give free rein to use this account. They’ll be able to make their own posts, answer asks, especially if the ask is directed to them, and just use tumblr in general. I’m going to keep this blog as strictly a post blog about my mental health journey, so no memes unfortunately :(

If you’ve made it this far, here’s a medal!! (It’s made from fiberglass and my tears 😊)

#meet me #trigger warnings listed in post #mental health #mental unhealth #trauma #DID #maladaptive daydreaming

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