#can you imagine if i'm complaining and a child is actually being kidnapped

[temis-de-leon]

Children really are the biggest plot twist, because sometimes you hear a bloodcurdling scream and it's just a child that doesn't want to wear, like, a shoe or something.

[victorie552]

I headcannon that after 3rd Kinslaying, and especially after Elrond and Elros left them in whatever fashion, Maedhros was a total dick to Maglor.

You know how sometimes old or sick people are nice to neighbours/nurses/strangers, but are horrible to their primal caretakers? That's them.

People aren't dicks to their caretakers just to be dicks - it's because they are often frustrated with themselves or their situation and don't know how else to deal with it or they can't deal with it the usual way. It also happens because, paradoxally, they feel safe around their caretakers - you can be a dick because you know they won't leave just because of that.

And boy, did Maglor cast himself in a role of caretaker (let's not kid ourselves, he wasn't qualified, and with his own problems to boot), and BOY, did Maedhros resent him for it. He did not NEED help, he did not DESERVE help, he's not another kidnapped child MAGLOR, I'M the older brother, I should take care of YOU YOU WRECK, WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BABYSIT YOU GROW UP ALREADY and leave me Nothing is EVER your fault, even when you left me to Angband as you should Why would you care now, it amounted to NOTHING before, it's WORTHLESS

And about half the time Maglor just takes it, actually likes it even. Mostly because of his guilt complex about how he deserves it, but also because Maedhros is only like this with him - he's trying his best to pretend to be fine and be a leader to few followers they have left, because they deserve better and that's the only thing he can give them now, and their brothers are all dead and would always be Too Little to act like that around them anyway. Maedhros would behave himself even around Fingon, to make him think rescuing him was worth something. So by being a dick to Maglor, Meadhros sees him as an equal, a safe haven. Maglor basks in that.

But obviously no one could just take such abuse like it's nothing, and Maglor is a Feanorian too, is prideful and stubborn, with his own laundry list of complains about Maedhros, and also unwell, and also thought of a new insult while lying awake at night and just wants to yell too. So half the time Maglor yells back and their yelling matches would bring orcs to tears, with hate and blame dripping from every word. I don't have enough imagination to picture it realistically, and actually I don't want to, it's too heartbreaking.

And sometimes, one or the other just starts crying. They don't talk about these times.

After some time, their arguments and insults are just a noise, something to repeat endlessly to the point of boredom.

By then, what actually hurts are the words that were not meant to harm.

Example 1:

Maedhros: 'did an all-night inspection of their stores cause he couldn't sleep' I found a herb you always liked to wash your hair with.

Maglor: 'doesn't remember last time he washed his hair, no less scented them'

Maglor: 'choked up' Appreciated.

Example 2:

Maedhros: 'feels like he's dragging Maglor to damnation with him' You could go with the twins, you know.

Maglor: 'doesn't want to upset Maedhros today so decides to pretend as if that was actually an option' Vanyar would probably like my singing but you know they would get mad at you for having better battle plans than them.

Maedhros: 'now KNOWS he's dragging Maglor to damnation with him'

Maedhros: 'dying inside' Of course they would.

When love hurts, it's easier to be a dick.

[stargazer-balladeer]

S/o’s birthday but locks themselves in their rooms because they don’t feel special [Genshin Impact]

Characters Included: Aether, Childe, Diluc, Kaeya & Venti.

Notes: Ayeeee! Since it’s my birthday today, why not make this? :))) I actually got carried away 🥲 this is around 3.5k words in total. Hope ya’ll like this!

Reader’s Gender: Neutral (tho i think there’s a slight implied female hehe…)

Warning: probably some swear words here and there knowing me- and mild suggestive themes in kaeya’s part 

[albedo, scaramouche, xiao]

Aether remembers your birthday more than he knows his- like srsly, he’s the kind that remembers his s/o’s bday more than his. He’s also the kind that celebrates it privately unless you want to celebrate it with others, which he doesn’t mind. He might have a hard time deciding what kind of gift you want, but sooner or later, he already has one (or multiples bc he can’t decide-). 

Imagine his confusion when your day finally arrives but he can’t find you anywhere, even Paimon, who was excited to celebrate your bday (“oohh~ I can’t wait to eat the cake!” - Paimon), seems confused. Probably the culprit in planting worry in the travellers head as she jumps to conclusion that you might’ve been kidnapped. 

Luckily, he checked your house before he could report it to the knights of Favonius or the Qixing (like any normal person should do really-). When he received no reply, he takes out the spare key you gave him and entered your house, an invasion of privacy he knows but it's an emergency- 

Knowing that you’re in your room when he can’t find you downstairs, he knocks on your bedroom door softly while calling your name. Imagine his (and Paimon’s) relief when the door cracked open. Immediately engulfing you into a hug, he lets out a sigh of relief. He then proceeds to ask you what you were doing inside your room when it’s your birthday. His heart literally broke when you stated your reason. Tightening his hold around your figure, he smiles bitterly, knowing that feeling all too well..

“That’s not true. None of that stuff is true. Everyone deserves to feel special on their birthday, most especially you. We’ve brought some food, and cake of course. Also some gifts from other people. If you want, do you want to celebrate it with just the two, or rather three, of us?”

You, who was a literal angel in his eyes deserve the world. He honestly wants to find whoever put that idea in your head but that was reserved for another moment. For now, his main priority is your happiness. Guiding you downstairs where Paimon was (she left when aether hugged you, knowing you two needed privacy. also the cAKE-), he watches as your eyes sparkle at the sight of the cake. 

Grinning softly he made sure you had fun with your birthday. Even though it would be more fun with more people, it feels more special if it’s celebrated with just the two of you. Staring you with pure adoration as you laughed merrily at the sight of Paimon stuffing herself with food. He couldn’t help himself but lean forward to place a kiss on your forehead and then on your lips, leaning back with a smile on his face. 

“Happy birthday, my love. May many more to come. Maybe next time, we can invite other people. Though I don’t mind if we’ll celebrate it with just the two of us only-” And Paimon! Don’t forget about Paimon!” “Yes yes. And Paimon.”

Similar to Aether, he would most definitely remember your birthday. After all, it holds a special place in his heart, alongside his family. And since this boi is rich af, he would most definitely try to spoil you on your birthday. Piles of expensive (or just cheap yet meaningful) gifts, reservation to a high-class restaurant in Liyue Harbor, and all that glamour. 

Actually, he didn’t find it odd that he didn’t see you immediately, thinking that you overslept or just relaxing in your house. But he soon finds it weird when it’s already around 3 in the afternoon and no sign of your face in the crowd, something he raised a brow at but shrugged it off. It isn’t until it’s almost the time of the reservation he made when he finally realized what’s going on. 

When he arrived at your house, dressed in a suit similar to Zhongli except it’s entirely black and white, waiting for you to come out. After a couple of minutes, he soon got concerned and decided to enter your bedroom through the window (pls do not do this at home). Startled at the sudden appearance of your handsome yet cheeky boyfriend, he stares at you with eyes asking the questions he didn’t dare to tell. 

Knowing he will get his answer one way or another, you decided to tell him about your dilemma. After you finished explaining yourself, silence surrounds you, which is quite worrisome since your boyfriend is known for his rather talkative behavior. Blinking in surprise at the sudden embrace of the 11th Harbinger, his hug was rather tight but not too tight that it cuts your oxygen. Speaking in a low, faint voice, a surprising feat for him, you can make out what he said as clear as day. 

“I’m sorry. I should’ve noticed it sooner. I was trying to be a perfect boyfriend for you but I guess I failed in that aspect. You know, if you feel like you aren’t special enough to celebrate your birthday, then what about me? Me who stained his hands with the red blood of his enemies, always engaging in a fight, clashing with other blades. Insecurity is really an asshole huh? Let me make it up to you now. Let’s not anymore go to that stupid high-class restaurant, c’mon, up you go. You better dressed comfortably when I come back or else…”

Leaving you quickly before coming back immediately, this time in more comfortable clothing rather than the stiff suit he wore earlier. This time as well, he entered your house normally through the door. In his arms, he was holding a bunch of stuff and proceeded to dump it on the living room table. It was different kinds of movies in different genres, you spotted some of your favorite movies in them (makes you also wonder where he got these from since you don’t remember seeing these in the room he stays-).

He would suggest making a pillow fort, and while making the pillow fort, he proceeded to smack you with one. Which ensued a pillow fight between you two. It successfully made the both of you a laughing mess by the end, filled with feathers. Childe then carries you bridal style to the incomplete pillow fort and starts the movie you chose. Placing you in his lap and placing his head either on your shoulder or head depending on your height, cuddling you from behind tightly with a contented smile on his face. 

“You know what? This might not be how I envisioned how your birthday would go, but I’m not complaining. Happy birthday, comrade. My most adorable and most cutest and only love. I love you so much that you’ll be the very reason why I die so suddenly. So stop being so cute okay?” 

(You two are living together in this one.)

Diluc has the probability of forgetting your birthday due to his busy schedule, especially if it’s starting to rise when your birthday draws near. He might neglect you for a couple of days, too engrossed in his work. When the day finally arrives, it completely leaves his mind. Like he’ll think of it as a completely ordinary working day. It isn’t until one of your friends told him to send you their birthday greetings that he remembered. And oh boy does he feel guilty, like srsly, he literally froze when he realizes what day it is today. And you know what that means? ✨Panicc✨

Honestly, I can see him buying the whole store XD. In the state of panic, his common sense just leaves him completely that he ends us buying practically the whole store. It would be sent to the Dawn Winery immediately as he buys some flowers from Flora, who also sent you her birthday greetings, which made him more guilty-

When Diluc steps foot inside the manor, he tries to search for you outside the gardens where he usually finds you but when he doesn't, he gets worried. Asking the head maid immediately about your whereabouts, and his concern and worry (and guilt) grew even more when he finds out that you haven’t gone out of your room. He quickly went to your shared room, with the flowers still in his hands, and knocked on your door. Calling your name softly and asking for permission to enter, when granted he entered the room as quickly as possible. But seeing the sight of you bundled up in your blanket made his heart crack.

Placing the flowers at the bedside table, he quickly made his way in front of you and kneeled down to meet your eye level. You can tell he was very worried about you with how frantic his eyes seem and the concern underlying it. With the way he was staring at you, you can’t help but spill your insecurity to him. The reason why you were hiding in his room rather than go out to celebrate your day of birth. Every word you spill made his heart break even more. Seeing tears started to leak from your eyes, he placed his two hands on your face wiping away the tears with his thumbs. Smiling at you gently and placing a kiss on your eyelids and on your nose.

“I completely understand, my love. Even I sometimes feel that way. Also to the point where I don’t want to celebrate my birthday even, but that won’t do my love. You are so special, you deserve your special day to be well special. If you want to simply lay here and sleep, then so be it. If you want to go out and do something, then I’ll happily oblige. Let’s obliterate those awful thoughts, and if those keep persisting, I’ll slice them up for you. I’ll keep picking you up when you fall. So, what is your command, my love?” (i'm so tempted for him to say master-)

Whatever your answer may be, one thing for sure, Diluc is seen smiling adoringly at you. Even the maids noted how soft the master is around you, particularly today. Whether curled up together in the bed, with him embracing you tightly to his chest and placing a kiss on top of your head. And if you listen carefully, you can hear him quietly humming a tune that his father (or mother) sang to him. Or you two outside in the garden, simply admiring the view with his hand around your waist. 

Either way, at the end of the day, he would wake you up or make you go inside for dinner. You haven’t eaten breakfast or lunch yet so you’re probably hungry by now. If you don’t want to leave your room or want to return to your room, he would understand and make the maids bring the food to you. When the maid(s) finally arrives with the food, you notice the cake on the tray. Looking at him as he chuckles, taking the trays from the maids. Humming a light tune, he scoops a spoonful of cake and holds it to your mouth, with a slight smirk on his face, eyes twinkling with mischief. 

“Stop staring at me like that, did you really think I would let the day go by for you to not celebrate your birthday properly? From what I know, birthdays have cakes in them, whether a huge cake or a cupcake. Say ‘ahh’~... Happy birthday my love. May next year be more enjoyable than now.”

Kaeya remembers your birthday like the back of his hand, I think he’s even more excited than you really. Eagerly awaiting your birthday as he counts down the days, dropping hints and stuff to you birthday-related, and probably plans a birthday party for you. The knights immediately agreed on it, including a certain bard, traveler, and wine master (albeit more hesitantly). He made sure that this party would be successful, constantly checking on the plans and such. To the point that everyone was practically fed up with his constant questions. But they understand that he wants this to be a successful and enjoyable party for you. It got to the point where Diluc kicked him out of his Tavern after asking for the umpteenth time. 

When your day finally arrives, he was practically beaming with joy and excitement. To the point where he can’t hide it behind the cool and suave facade he wears. He quickly made his way to you, going along with the plan of distracting you as they started to prepare for the party. In his total excitement, he didn’t notice the rather gloomy atmosphere around the house. But when he arrived at your door, that is when he noticed how quiet your house is.

Now albeit worried, his excited smile slipping from his face and now replaced with a worried frown, he knocked on your door, calling you in his usual teasing voice. When he didn’t hear your response, the bubble of anxiety appeared in his body. Twisting the knob and finding it unlocked, he quietly and carefully opened the door. Seeing your back immediately, seeing your side rise and fall making him sigh in relief that you were still alive. Closing the door gently but made a noise to alert you of his presence. Taking a seat behind you, he ran his cold fingers on your back, watching you arching at the sudden coldness of his fingers. Smiling slightly, he asked what’s wrong. 

Turning around to face him, you buried your face on his chest, inhaling his strong masculine scent. Instinctively wrapping his arms around you, he played with your hair with one of his hands. Tapping on your head slightly, beckoning for you to answer his question. With no way out, you decided to come clean. You explain how you feel like you don’t feel like you deserve to be treated as special on your birthday and all that sort. His face was void of emotion as he stared at the ceiling with his unique pair of blue eyes. Outside he might seem emotionless. But inside, he was on the brink of insanity. Who dares to put such an idea on his s/o’s mind? Why would you think of that? Was this insecurity of yours also his fault?

“That must be the most stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You’re not special? Please. Don’t try to make me laugh with that joke ‘cause it’s not funny. You are a jewel, a star, a constellation. As rare as the gems, or rather visions. You can even rival the very sun with your smile. I know those demons in your head keep saying those words to you, the temptation is so tempting, right? Just succumbing to them to make them quiet. But that’s why I’m here, my dearest snowflake. I’m here for you. You’re so special to everyone, most especially to me. You mean the world to me. Anyway, enough of this tear-jerking stuff, we have a party to celebrate. And we can’t celebrate it without the birthday gal/guy now can we?”

Despite your protests, he lifted you effortlessly and carried you outside and into the dawn winery where the party was held. Placing you on the ground and pushing you forward where people from Mondstadt came and greeted you with happy birthdays. Smiling at the sight of you being overwhelmed at the warm greetings, and then chuckling at how bright your face became. Diluc nudges him to you, beckoning him to help you before returning to what he was previously doing (most likely trying to force a bard to not finish all the wines in the vicinity).

After a while in the party, Kaeya brings you to a secluded place with no people for air. Being in a party filled with people could be suffocating at times, especially if you’re not used to it. He intertwined his hands with yours and bends down to meet your eye level (or leans down if you have the same height as him-). He gives you a cheeky smile and proceeds to place a peck on your lips. Chuckling when you pouted and glared at him, wanting more kisses.

“My my, what a greedy vixen~ But it is indeed your birthday so I guess I have no choice but to oblige to whatever my birthday vixen wants me to do. Would you like me to strip as well? Haha. Kidding kidding. Happy birthday, princess/prince. May many more to come. Oh! I forgot. I heard from a certain birdie that you ordered for a personal performance from me~ would you like to get it now?” 

Since we all know that Venti practically doesn’t do anything like every day, I would safely say that he would remember your birthday. Probably save some mora to buy you a gift for your birthday, even though it’s not as fancy as the people in Liyue (they all rich kids-), it’s still meaningful. He probably made a bracelet all by himself with the beads he either bought or also made by himself. Nevertheless, he was as excited as Kaeya for your birthday. Already prepared songs to sing for you when that day comes. 

Venti immediately searches for you when the day finally arrives, but his excited and bright smile vanishes when he can’t find you in the crowd of people. Raising a brow at your sudden disappearance, he searched for you everywhere, the tavern, the church, the headquarters, everywhere but your house. So when he finally arrives at your house, he was filled with worry and concern. Entering your room through the window like usual, he sees your figure sitting on the floor while reading a book.

He pouted at the sight as he made his presence known by asking you why you were here and reading a book on your birthday. He watches as you jump from where you are and turns to look at him, sighing at the sight of him. He slowly made his way to you and sat next to you, his legs sprawled across the floor. He takes note of the food around you, which was non-birthday festive, it was just ordinary food. Not understanding why you’re sulking in your room, he asked you what’s wrong. 

Venti’s eyes widened at your explanation, feeling the sadness leaking at the words you said. They weave themselves around his heart, squeezing it, making him have a hard time breathing. He shares your pain. He was your soulmate after all. He immediately engulfed you in a hug, stuffing his face on the crook of your neck. You were so vulnerable in his eyes. You were so fragile. He desperately wants to protect you from the pain. But looks like he can’t protect you from your own demons. 

“Even though I promised myself to not say or do anything that’ll make you sad, I just need to get it off my chest. I’m sorry you had to suffer through that, those demons that a simple bard that weaves stories into songs can’t erase. Alright, no more feeling sorry for yourself. It’s time to get out and spend the rest of the day enjoyable, perfect for my precious Cecilia.” 

Without any warnings, he picked you up and jumped out of your window. Shrieking at the sudden fast pace, you instinctively wrapped your hands around him as he landed on the ground. Giving you a smug smile while saying “didn’t think i’d let you fall now?” Please slap him. Anyway, he laughed at your aggression and continued to run. Even if you ask where you’re going, he just says it's a secret. So might as well enjoy being in his arms as he continues to run (you swear you can feel the wind adding to his speed but that was just maybe your imagination-).

After a while, he placed you down and you realized where you are. It was Starsnatch Cliff, surrounding you were Cecilia flowers. Venti jumped on you, making you fall to the ground as he giggles. His hat flown back from the force of his sudden attack, he still has that stupid big smile on his face. Since his laughter is contagious, you couldn’t help but laugh alongside him. His eyes glistened with delight at the sight of your smile finally. Grabbing your hand and placing the bracelet he made, he pressed a kiss on your knuckle.

“This bracelet shall be a promise from me to you, a fellow bard to the fairest queen/king. I shall love you for eternity, this heart will only beat for you, and this body belongs to you. If you’re in dire need of assistance, don’t hesitate to call me. I’ll be there, forever and always. Happy birthday, my sweet flower.”

[x] Main Page || [x] Mondstadt Page || [x] Fatui Harbingers Page 

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

Unexpected Places (Pt. 11 of 11)

Pairing: Ivar the Boneless X Reader/Bjorn X Reader

Word count: 2 K

Summary: As a princess, you've lived in a golden cage all your life, always a piece on someone else's game. But everything changed when the Norsemen came crushing down on Wessex, like waves in a violent storm. Their king spared your life and decided to take you with him to his kingdom, in what felt more like a rescue than a kidnapping. There, you were not only confronted with a completely different culture and lifestyle, but also with two of his sons. The oldest one has his eyes set on you, but it's the youngest one, Ivar, who gets who claimed your attention since the first sight. And he seems to have an unnamed interest in you. Of course you hoped whatever that was would pass, but when unexpected feelings start to flow a different way, things begin to change.

<- Previous part (10)

{Vikings Masterlist}

×

Home

Walking slow, you keep up the pace of a heavily pregnant Aslaug. The news of the child on its way came on the last day of the feast for your wedding and it was well-received by everyone. The snow falling gives Kattegat an amazing look, with everything painted white. The ocean is starting to freeze, but there are still boats coming and going, doing the last trades by sea before the ice keeps them away, having to endure the walk instead of sailing here.

Heading to the main hall, you stop when Aslaug stops, a hand on her swollen belly. “Everything alright?”

“Yes. I just need to lie down for a while.” She answers, setting in motion again. “Ragnar sons are always–” She's cut short once you enter the hall, the high number of people gathered around getting both your attentions. “Did something happen?” She asks, raising her voice. Ragnar comes to stand beside her, very protective ever since he found about the pregnancy.

You make your way to where Ivar is, seated on Ragnar's throne. “What's going on?” You ask him. “Bad news?”

“Boats were seen sailing this way.” He answers, gesturing, and dismissing the men. “With your brother's flag.”

“What the hell does Aethelwulf want?” Shrugging your shoulders, you stand beside Ivar, who takes your hand and places a kiss on it.

“Ask father.” He says, clearly annoyed.

Raising an eyebrow, you look at Ragnar. “Last raid I might have left implied that you were here on Kattegat, so... I think they came to take you back.”

“Why would you do that?” You inquire, hands on your hips.

“They were really pissing me off.” Ragnar justifies, and you roll your eyes.

“Are they coming for war?”

“No,” Bjorn says, entering the hall and dusting off his clothes from the snow. “I don't think they're planning on battle us, on our ground, with such few people.”

“Good. It means I can just tell them I don't wanna go and they'll leave.” Sighing, you look at Ivar. “And here I was planning on asking you to take me on the next raid.” You complain to Ivar, shooting Ragnar an angry glance. “England came to me.”

“Missing home?”

“Are you seriously asking me if I want to sail for weeks, stay on a camp in the woods for the entire summer for any other reason than to staying with you?” Faking an annoyed tone, you raise an eyebrow at Ivar.

Giggling, he bites his lip, nodding his head. “My mistake, princess.” Winking, he turns his attention back to his father. “Let's do what we have to do and get this tiny problem out of our lives so I can enjoy winter with my wife.”

“Speaking of enjoying the winter, I'll fix myself a warm bath and I hope you to join me.” With that, you turn around and head inside, ignoring the low chattering your words caused.

The word got out, you think, about Ivar being able to perform sexually. But since you were the first one to know, you don't mind the gossip.

The girls don't take much time to get everything ready, and you let them help you undress before you step into the tub. You always use Ivar's tub now, since you just moved into his bedroom after the wedding. As if you weren't sleeping here before. A few moments later you hear Ivar coming inside, taking off his clothes before joining you, making the hot water spill off when he moves inside, settling down next to you.

“You're so beautiful.” He whispers, immediately pulling you into a kiss, and you can't help but smile as you cave in, running a hand through his chest.

“Thank you, handsome.” You mutter when you pull away to breathe, biting your lip.

“Won't you even consider it?” You don't follow, so you pinch your eyebrows together, looking at your husband.

“Consider what?”

“Going back home.” There's fear in his voice, and that's a sentiment he only shows to you.

Ever since the announcement, Ivar has been listening to some rude things. People are mean, some of them at least. They say you'll leave him, trade him for a full man. That you'll get tired of him soon enough. You've been into awful arguments with some people about it, and Ivar have nearly killed a man a few weeks ago. With time, these comments are fading away, but it always gets to him. And when it happens, it's your mission to reassure him your love hasn't changed, it has only gotten bigger.

“I am home.” Caressing his cheek, you smile. “This is where I belong.” Your voice fades when you remember you have something to tell Ivar. It's been a while since you've been feeling odd, and your period is very late. “Actually, I need to talk to you about something.”

He furrows his eyebrows, a question on his face. “What is it?”

You know he wants kids, you've always knew. And you've been waiting until you're sure. And you're kinda sure at this point. “Ivar, I... I may be with child.” Speaking low, barely a whisper, you focus on his expression, trying to read it.

But you don't need too much. Ivar's lips break into a smile, and he kisses you deeply, until you're out of breath. “I'll be a father.” He says when you pull away.

“Yes, you will. And if it depends on me, you'll have a bunch of children, my love.” You can't wait to tell everyone, to let them know Ivar can do what they all doubted.

“I love you, (Y/N). More than everything.”

“We need to talk names now.” Giggling, you caress his face. “Everyone will have a suggestion.”

“We'll have to do it later.”

“Later? Why? Are you planning on doing anything now?” Smirking, you don't need any other answer than the kiss he gives you, and suddenly all the rest is put aside for a moment.

°°°

Hours later, when the sun is about to set, you're at the docks, watching as the two boats approach. A great number of people came too, of course, to see how it'll play out. There are soldiers, ready to fight if that's the case, but if it depends on you, it won't come to that. It doesn't look like they're here for war.

It gets your attention when one of the men, standing on the edge of the ship, recognizes you. He raises his eyebrows, but you don't show any expression. Slowly, he and a few men step out of the boat, eyes scanning through the Vikings, ready to defend themselves and their leader. That's when you recognize the man, Sir Wilfred, one of your father's man, now working for your older brother. He was kind to you, so you don't have your walls all the way up.

“Princess (Y/N).” He greets you with a small smile, taking your hand and placing a kiss on it. “It's a true blessing to find you alive and... Well.”

“It's good to see you too, Sir. Hope you made a safe trip here. But may I ask why did you and such a small army bothered to sail all the way to Kattegat?” Cutting straight to the point, you offer him a small smile. Ivar, who stands beside you, gets a worried stare from Wilfred, and you can feel his anger emanating.

“King Aethelwulf, your brother, sent us. After Ragnar Lothbrok told him you were here, brought by your own will, he decided to give you a chance to reconquer your old life, as a princess, by his side.” There's more than he's saying because you know your brother. It doesn't sound like something he would say. Aethelwulf wants you back because he can't even begin to imagine who would want to stay here. And he's ego demands him to try and get you back, so he can present you to his court, telling them how you came back to your senses and abandoned the barbarians.

“Tell my brother I have no intention of leaving Kattegat.” You begin, getting a weird expression from Wilfred, and some of his men start gossiping with each other. “I made myself a home here, among the Vikings. I even married one.” Gesturing at Ivar, you have to bite back the laugh that threatens to emerge at the surprise on Wilfred's face. “This is Ivar the Boneless, my husband and the father of the child I'm carrying. And I believe you know him very well Sir.”

“My princess, I don't understand–”

“I'm thankful for this... Rescue party you brought with you across the ocean, but I don't need to be rescued.” Cutting him off, you step back a little, gesturing at the people who stand behind you. “This is my place now, my people. My house, my King and Queen, my husband and friends. I'm not being held against my will. In fact, I didn't come against my will.” You raise your voice, so all of his men will listen, so the truth can find a way to your brother's ears. “With the same people you call soulless, barbarians, monsters, I found great happiness, something that I never had back in England. And I apologize if you had to endure such a journey for nothing, but I won't be going with you. And, just in case you were ordered to take me by force, I must advise you not to try it. Because you will lose.”

“My princess, those aren't the orders,” Winfred speaks again, clearly uncomfortable. “King Aethelwulf commands that, if you are indeed here by your own will, and refuses to return home, he will tell your people you died, and never again you'll find refuge in his kingdom.

Laughing a little, you shrug your shoulders. “So be it.” You simply say, looking at Ivar, who has a smile on his lips. “I'm not going anywhere.” You tell most to your husband than to anyone else. “It was good to see you one last time, Sir Wilfred.” But now I must ask you and your men to sail away from Kattegat. Your presence here isn't welcome.”

“I wouldn't stay even if you invited me, Prin... (Y/N).” He quickly corrects himself, and the change of humor makes you giggle.

“I wasn't planning on inviting you, Sir. Have a safe trip back to England.” Nodding at him, you turn around, walking away with Ivar next to you. Everyone steps out of your way, and you notice how some of Ragnar's men take a position to follow the Saxons back to their ship and until they're far enough from the town.

The commotion soon stays behind as you make your way back home, the wind, which gets colder by the day, messing with your hair.

“I love both of you,” Ivar says, out of nowhere, making you stop on your tracks by the main hall's entrance.

“What's that now?” Squinting your eyes, you stare at him, a chuckle caught in your throat.

“You make me happy. Like I never thought I'd be.” He comes closer, a hand on your belly. “This child is the very image of what we feel. And I never thought I'd ever love someone this much. Or that someone would love me even though–”

“Well, I love you. Just the way you are.” Your heart warms up at his smile, genuine and kind. “Now, let's get inside. It's getting cold.” Taking his hand, you pull him inside.

Many things are on the way now. The child, the raids, on which you do want to go every once in a while. The road is long and full of surprises, but you're willing to enjoy every step of the way. You never thought this would be how your life turned out, but as crazy as it is, it's good. It's the proof that love and happiness can be found in the most unexpected places, and you found both those things in a town across the world, with people who live in a completely different culture, in very different ways. But you would do it all over again, and now that you're here, you'll never take things for granted. You'll never trade this for anything else, not even for the throne of Wessex. This is far more valuable than all the crowns of the world.

×

@multific @revolution-starter @crackhead1-800 @youbloodymadgenius @clown-boyyy @kitten0394 @castielsangelx-blog @goldlion07 @midnightmystic @readsalot73 @xvxcarolinexvx @momowhoo @fangfoxy @msrawog @walkingonshunshine @alytavzla @anotherfan07 @heavenly1927 @msrawog @alexhandersen-marcoilsoe-fandom

[in-tua-deep]

The Luther au has me both loving how cute it is & dreading angst ideas but I feel like that's normal for anything Five related tbh. The others have been away & had time to realize Reg did not treat them normally but Five has no frame of reference so if he ever messes up he expects Bad Shit™ from them but is ? When they don't act like Reg. But on the other had Five actually acting like a teen about New Future Things™ like getting excited and generally not as aloof as canon Five. I'm distressed.

WOO more responsible luther au from here, here, here, and here

Honestly all I’m thinking about right now for the responsible Luther au is the absolute hilarity of Hazel and Cha-Cha having to deal with a child. Like an actual child, not a 58-year-old in a child’s body. I mean can you imagine Hazel and Cha-Cha dealing with a child that they aren’t allowed to kill?? 

Just Hazel squinting and being all, “What the fuck do kids like? Do we offer him candy? Ice cream? We can’t just knock him out because head wounds are iffy and we could accidentally kill him, right?”

Can you picture Cha-Cha trying to interact with Five at like, a park or something?? Trying to talk to him and giving off those serious “I have never spoken to a human child in my life also the stranger danger vibes I am giving off can probably be sensed from the next state over.”

Oh man though the one (1) way they would probably be able to get Five to go with them even a little bit willingly (because how else are you supposed to kidnap a teleporting kid with combat experience and a healthy wariness of strangers) is if they had some sort of collateral (or maybe drugging him??). I’m thinking,,, they grab Klaus. The least combative sibling, would hang out with Five while Luther is at work, lanky and skinny and an easy target. 

Because the best way to get a superpowered kid to go with you is to say “If you don’t come with us, we hurt your brother.” Because I can’t think of any other real way to get Five, who is exceptionally traumatized by the very idea of restraints, to agree to be restrained in any way which you KNOW Hazel and Cha-Cha would probably insist on

But yeah Diego and Luther would totally bust in and rescue them because you know Luther is the helicopter parent brother who insists Klaus and Five text him every few hours so Five and Klaus miss a check in and Luther immediately calls Diego all “Yeah no I don’t care if you were doing vigilante shit I need you to check on Five he isn’t answering his phone and neither is Klaus. No, I don’t care if you think I’m overreacting just go and check on them.” and so they find out pretty quick that they’re missing (Diego finds Mr. Pennycrumb first, actually - Five told him to stay because he wanted to keep the dog safe) and go and rescue them (maybe with the help of Detective Patch??)

so they go get Five and Klaus back and Luther is so relieved and they’re all so relieved except Five basically has a breakdown and won’t let anyone touch him and is absolutely freaking out because he went off with strangers and they wanted him so he got Klaus kidnapped as well and even though Luther has been nothing but gentle and accommodating (because he’s fully aware his brother is Super Traumatized thanks) Five assumes he’s going to get into trouble

(because if you think Reginald didn’t punish the kids every time they made a mistake on a missions - I wouldn’t be surprised if Reginald obtained any tapes of the kids missions and would replay them looking for errors and then drill the kids until they were aware of all the mistakes they made and knew that they should never make them again)

(but also can you imagine a kid thinking he’s going to get in trouble for being kidnapped like that’s such a tragedy and all of the siblings are there now and they’re all horrified because they remember the debrief after every mission, and if Luther is right and Five’s punishments often involved restraints - then this is their baby brother thinking that they’re going to lock him up to punish him)

Eventually, eventually, Five calms down enough to allow one of the siblings close enough for comfort. Maybe Klaus, who was also kidnapped. Just both of them grabbing onto one another while the others swear it won’t happen again.

“They said they were working for Dad.” Five finally imparts, scrubbing at his face. There’s a hot second as they all process that before Luther just starts swearing and everyone is looking mildly incredulous because Luther is the one who scolds them about their language and frowns when songs with swear words play on the radio. 

“What if,” Klaus says, pausing for dramatic effect, “We kill Dad.”

Vanya looks thoughtful and Diego is nodding and his fingers are just that much too close to his knives and Luther very tellingly isn’t saying anything against the idea. It’s Five who smacks Klaus on the arm, “You guys can’t kill Dad.” He tells them very seriously, “If you all get charged with murder then who’s going to walk me to therapy? And don’t say Mr. Pennycrumb. Plus, I’m not going into the system.”

“Allison could take you in.” Klaus shrugs. Five pulls a face. It makes Vanya laugh just a little.

“Allison has a child!” Luther defends her automatically, making Diego roll his eyes exaggeratedly and Five hides his snicker in Klaus’s shirt. “She’s a good mother! Stop looking at me like that, guys.”

“I don’t want to live with a baby, anyway.” Five declares loudly.

 “And yet you live with Klaus.” Diego grins, ignoring Klaus’s squawk of offense with practiced ease and making Five laugh again. Which was the goal in the first place so, success.

“Okay, okay time to go home.” Luther says gently because they probably didn’t make it back to the apartment before this freak out they’re probably all scrunched down in an alley where Five ran to hunker down

and then later when Five is settled down with Mr. Pennycrumb on the couch and also squeezed next to Luther, asleep because it’s been a traumatic day for just about everyone, Luther is just like “Okay so Diego, can you… can you stay with Five when I’m at work? Or - Or I can start taking him to work with me again, and you can watch Klaus?”

“I’m not a child!” Klaus protests.

“You told us they got you first to threaten Five with.” Diego points out, only a little reluctantly. “You don’t need to deal with that. I’ll come over during the day, keep an eye on both these knuckleheads.”

“Ben keeps an eye on me.” Klaus pouts, crossing his arms.

“I will be someone corporeal who can keep an eye on you.” Diego deadpans.

Klaus scrunches his face up and turns to the side to show the full force of the face he was pulling to thin air, presumably a Ben who was definitely agreeing with Diego. 

“But why is Dad coming after Five?” Vanya asks, fiddling with her hands and looking nervous. 

“Yeah, and why now?” Luther demands, bringing up a protective hand to card through Five’s hair. Mr. Pennycrumb whuffles gently and leans over to give Luther’s hand a lick of appreciation. “We ran away ages ago, and Dad decides to care now? What changed?”

Everyone’s eyes turn to Klaus. His shoulders hitch up around his ears at the attention, but is a good sport who frowns in thought. “I dunno. The big guy - Hazel - he kept complaining about… I don’t know. Budget cuts or something. Dental plans being cut. Shit like that.”

“Dad gives dental plans to hired goons?” Vanya asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Well they weren’t your average hired goons.” Diego says defensively, rubbing at his shoulder that is going to be very bruised where he was smashed into a door. Luther winces in sympathy, feeling vaguely bad because his durability means he doesn’t bruise like the rest of his siblings.

“Shh!” Klaus hisses at them, flapping a hand and looking off to the side, focusing intensely. The rest of them wait patiently. “Uh, Ben says he heard them refer a couple of time to someplace they called the Commission?”

“The Commission? What, a company for hiring all your weird kidnapper needs?” Vanya asks, skeptical. “I mean, not that I doubt Dad’s ability to get some seriously skeevy people on his side but I’m just confused about this whole thing. Why would Dad want Five back in the first place? Enough he was willing to hire people to kidnap him?”

“She has a point.” Diego admits grudgingly. He and Vanya get along better these days, but there’s still some shaky ground between them even after she apologized about the book. “Dad didn’t even bother looking after Five ran away when we were actually thirteen. And he didn’t look after Luther and Five ditched until now. So, what changed?”

“And why this shady way?” Vanya continues, “I mean, he’s got the law on his side technically. I mean, Luther isn’t exactly Five’s legal guardian. He could accuse Luther of being a kidnapper.”

“Hey!” Luther objects.

“She’s just saying what Dad could say.” Klaus rolls his eyes. “But I mean, we could argue that chronologically Five is, you know, twenty-five but I bet Dad would try declare incompetence even if that flew, which I mean. Look at him. It wouldn’t.”

Everyone’s heads swivel to the kid curled up on the couch, fast asleep with bruises already forming on his face. No doubt from when he mouthed off to his kidnappers - Cha-Cha has a temper after all and Five was practically conditioned to mouth off even in the face of fear and terror.

“He thought he was going to get in trouble.” Klaus says, very softly after a moment of silence. “Because he went with them, and he only went with them because he didn’t want me to get hurt.”

“I’m pretty sure Dad would have locked him up again. And you if that meant keeping him under control.” Diego points out, frowning harder at the thought of their father locking up not one but two of his brothers. “Maybe that’s why he didn’t go through official channels - because he knew he’d need collateral to keep Five cooperating with whatever insane plan he has cooked up. No way would the law be on his side for keeping Klaus at the very least.”

“No no,” Klaus shakes his head dismissively, then pauses. “Well, okay yeah I could see him doing something that level of creepy but that’s not what I meant. I meant he thought he was going to get in trouble with us.”

“It’s not his fault Dad’s a fucking psycho.” Vanya points out. Diego nods appreciatively. The biggest common ground keeping Diego and Vanya on civil terms was their mutual willingness to insult Reginald together.”

Klaus waves his hand in the air again, “Yeah, I know. But like, think about it. The only parent figure Five ever had was Dad and you know what he was like. He fucked us all up, but it’s a whole helluva lot fresher for Five. He doesn’t - he doesn’t know shit.”

“He’s been doing okay.” Luther says, just a little bit defensively. “He has some bad days, but therapy is helping. Plus Mr. Pennycrumb is as well. He’s trying really hard, you know how worried he is about the apocalypse.”

“I’m not commenting on your parenting skills bro.” Klaus placates, “You’re doing really good. Like, really good. Way way better than I ever thought you’d be capable of. But I mean. You stepped up when none of the rest of us did, and you basically became his father figure.”

“I’m not - I’m not Five’s dad.” Luther scoffs, but none of the others speak up either. He looks around a little more puzzled, “C’mon guys. It’s not like you aren’t here as well.”

“We’re not the ones setting boundaries,” Diego admits, looking at the floor. “We didn’t rescue him, or build him a life, and even you can’t ignore that he looks to you for comfort first before the rest of us. He looks to you before Vanya, dude. That’s not exactly what happened when we were kids, man.”

Vanya shifts, almost uncomfortably. “He didn’t really, uh, seek me out for comfort anyway. Mostly when I was having a bad day. I just. I just made him sandwiches when he looked like he was having a tough time is all. He’d never admit it.”

Luther sighs deeply. “He can have peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches tomorrow I guess. Comfort food. Show him he’s not in trouble. But that still doesn’t mean that Five sees me as a dad.”

They all mutually agree to drop it seeing how defensive Luther is.

“Well I for one am going to spend all day tomorrow cuddling Five on the couch.” Klaus declares loudly, not even trying to hide the change of subject. “It’s a disney movie marathon sort of a day, me thinks.”

“I already took the day off.” Luther admits. “I told Sam that Five was having issues and he told me he understood and I could take time as needed.”

“I have nowhere else to be, tomorrow.” Diego shrugs, clearly planning on spending the day with them as well.

“I have practice but I can come by after? I’ll stop by the store for the ingredients of that potato dish I know Five likes as well. For dinner.” Vanya offers, receiving nods all around. Everyone appreciated Vanya’s cooking since exactly none of them were especially skilled in the culinary arts, though none of them were entirely hopeless.

Luther just sighs deeply, leaning back on the couch. “He’s just - he’s so young. Were we ever that young?”

They all sit in silence at that, contemplating. Because they had been that young, and it was only now looking back that they all realized how messed up it had been. Well, they realized it was even more messed up than they thought it had been, especially back when they were actually kids.

But also honestly picturing all the squad convincing Five to let loose and be a kid again while also convincing Five to not worry so much about the apocalypse happening in four years because he can’t just put his life on hold for four entire years.

Five being secretly happy and curious about things and excited but trying to hide it because he’s supposed to be focused on stopping the apocalypse and all that but he’s not nearly as difficult to convince to get off track as canon old man Five

I need to sleep heck

i just want a whole bunch of protective siblings is that too much to ask for and protective Five right back just a circle of protectiveness about everyone bless

[mechanicalinertia]

STMPD Anti-Recommends Bubblegum Crisis Fanfiction: Glenn Hough's Bubblegum Crusade.

Oh boy. Here we go.

Bubblegum Crusade is available on the Usenet mirror, yes, but what I just linked you to is a mirror which has actually chopped the massive (how massive? 363 kilobytes, but I'll be damned if I know what that translates to in word count) epic into chapters. Imperfectly, yes, sometimes a chapter is duplicated, but the point is you can read it one page at a time instead of scrolling-scrolling-scrolling. Well. Anyway.

Bubblegum Crusade is one of the oldest BGC mega-epics of all, written in 1994, perhaps earlier - Usenet's dates are funny, I already brought that up way back when I talked about Hopelessly Lost - so Crusade could be even older than that. I don't know and I don't especially care.

There's just so much of Crusade, so much that's utterly stupid and nonsensical, that it's hard to dig up the good bits, the workable bits, the parts where you can see what Hough was trying to do. Sure, like most fanfics of the era it's dedicated to continuing and finishing up Crisis / Crash in a sufficiently epic way - GENOM menaces the Sabers, Largo's back for the third time (and doesn't even die, the epilogue has him on Mars), stuff like that. It's like...

Fuck. How to explain all of it? Well, let's try. Let's try to combine all the things that annoy me about the fic into one word: Melodrama.

Yeah. Yeah, spelling errors and weird grammar and a lack of interesting description are all cringe (fucking is fucken', tech is teck', and this isn't just single misspellings it's in the entire fic), and, uh... people swear in weird contexts? This is, like, peanuts compared to larger complaints, but I dunno, I'm not against swearing but I have a hard time imagining Sylia or whoever dropping the 'fucken'' under anything but the most extreme duress.

But that's secondary to how gleefully Glenn Hough drags us readers into these obnoxious monologues that serve only to rehash the same handful of themes, emotions that we already know the characters feel by the fact that tears are streaming down their face or whatever. Perhaps those feelings don't make sense for the character, but who gives a shit, right? I tell you what, I'll cite one later as an example of 'what the fuck is this shit'. Let's talk about the plot first.

So it's after Crash, right? Actually, the first hundred pages / 3 chapters are just rambling rehashes of OVAs 5 & 6, as well as a monologue by Sylia's dad about how Boomer brains work - apparently they run on 'trinary', which is -1, 0, and 1. Which mathematically makes no sense, but is supposedly thematically poignant? Fuck off. Hough has the Boomers and hardsuits be made out of steel, or even 'space steel', which is just bad science. But that doesn't matter. Whatever. You see? I keep getting sidetracked by this shit.

Anyway, while in Germany from the end of Crash, Sylia has adopted an illicitly acquired Sexaroid as an adoptive daughter by the name of Crystal. GENOM's closing in, so Sylia takes her back to Megatokyo, where, being a Sexaroid, Crystal immediately goes to try to hook up with some old guy. Things go wrong very quickly, of course, because one of GENOM's execs - not Madigan, not Bauer, but an OC by the name of Farouz - kidnaps Leon, and using a plot-magic mind-melting drug gets leads on the identities of the Sabers, then dumps him in the bay, whereupon a mysterious Man, a wraith of green and black fire, rescues him to - wait, hold on, what?

Yes, Reader, there's The Man, a character who pops up to occasionally get characters out of tight spaces, and is supposedly sent by God to make sure events play out as they must. Yeah, I guess God's a real thing, here? He bails Leon out, does not bail Crystal out except at the last moment, he haunts the Sabers until later on he fucks Sylia, and she's gonna bear him a child and... yeah. It's like, you've already got this much shit in your fic, Hough, and you add this not-really-a-self-insert? Who references knowing Anakin Skywalker? And complains about how America is a 'shithole' in this timeline because it can't keep its people safe, because we really needed some 90's-era copaganda right now... Okay, fine, that was a digression that was needed, because <*****> (that's his name!) is, like, a layer of shit on top of all the shit baked into the foundation of Crusade, the kind of thing you could take out and not lose anything from.

Anyway, back on topic. The Sabers' identities are exposed, they have to take action to escape, only now that the ADP is on their tail, too, they end up killing a cop or two. And this is where we get a monologue that made me want to stop reading this fucking thing entirely, after Priss kills a cop or two (and takes her helmet off even after she thinks she's escaped! Im-prac-ti-cal!):

" I've betrayed the Knight Sabers, thought Priss.  I've killed human cops.  I had to.  Sylia, I had to do it. We've destroyed plenty of boomers, even a few sentient ones, like Frederick, but he was a menace that would of destroyed as much of Mega-Tokyo as he could.  Priss felt another tear rolled down her cheek, but wiped it quickly away.  Why does it have to work like this?  Why, damn it, why?  God, shit, damn it...why was it him or me?  He didn't deserve that.  They didn't deserve to get caught up in the middle of our fight.  You use helpless pawns against us and we have to kill'em to survive.  Fuck it all, we're, I'm as guilty as you are now.  GENOM's brought me back down to their level, and with our position, everyone will turn against the cop killing Knight Sabers.  For an instant, Priss imagined her hands were stained with blood.  I haven't killed since my pack days, and it was just the other scum in death duels and firefights. They deserved it, we all did, we were animals.  Even then, I never nailed a cop, or an innocent bystander.  The N-Police didn't care if we wacked each other; they just payed attention when an uppie got it.  Why am I so weak?  Priss shuddered.  God, Sylia.  I've splattered blood on our name and betrayed the code I swore to. I've dragged us all down after you helped me up from the gutters. I've doomed us all."

Um, guys? I hate to be that person, but what makes you think Priss cares this deeply about whether or not she killed a cop out to gun her down?

It gets worse after that. Sylia accidentally has her arm-swords out while jumping into a subway car, slices up a family by accident. Some guy goes 'murderer' like some fucking B-Movie ghost. Et cetera, et cetera. Eventually they nail Farouz, Sylia gets captured, it turns out Quincy's her grandfather or something, I forget I'm not rereading the rest of this fucking abomination just to check - Largo comes back with a real Boomer revolution, Sylia builds a hardsuited Sexaroid army to combat them in true lolepic style, Priss gets crucified by Largo (What?), Sylia particle-beam strikes him without ever facing him down in person, yada yada skippety dippety doo dah... Here, here's another egregiously cringe monologue from a Boomer infected with Largo's virus:

"Carbon based shit bags, it thought to itself as it entered the ship, went to its station, and started the standard preflight check.  Infidels, how foolish you will look when you are destroyed by my Master.  The jihad is coming and you shall pay for your barbaric organic ways.  We shall cleanse this magnificent planet of your filth.  On that day, we shall be free."

I'm not saying Largo wasn't that melodramatic, but, uh... a standard-issue labor Boomer ranting to itself mere minutes after taking in his ideology by virus? It's funny. It just is.

Did I mention that Nene has a random boyfriend named Taki, which I'm pretty sure is not an actual-ass Japanese name? Who also, once he realizes he's had sex with a Knight Saber, gets an erection? And this is all, you know, described as some sort of romantic thing and not, again, a cringe-y joke? Sorry if I keep going on these tangents, but that's just what BGCrusade invites in me.

As surely as it is an epic built on cringey tangents, so too must one describe it in cringey tangents. Such is the way of the world.

[mixelation]

this got a much higher response that I thought it would, so here's some spitballing on what I was imagining Sakura up to when she's offscreen and vague thoughts I had on what happens next (uh, spoilers I guess?):

I think Sakura figures out pretty quickly the general time they're in (which is after she makes genin but pre-chunin exams), then goes to confront Hiruzen. I'm not 100% sure how one persuades the Hokage that they're a time traveler from the future, but she does it in only a couple hours so maybe she knows... special codes, or something? Or maybe Inoichi is free right that second and he's like: holy fucking shit, this sure is little Sakura.

Anyway, while I was actually writing the fic, I did imagine Sakura telling Hiruzen she has Orochimaru with her and him giving her permission to access his abandoned lab. That's why she's tells Orochimaru that the Hokage says it's now safe to access the lab (which is meant to sound like "there was an accident but it's all good now!" to the genin present but indicate "we're allowed in there without fourteen ANBU agents showing up immediately" to Orochimaru). But later I thought: actually, that's a fantastically horrible idea... even in a crackfic, there's no WAY Hiruzen would just accept "oh yeah, future Orochimaru is totally fine and harmless, can you let him in the village?"

So Sakura lies about the exact situation. It IS a crackfic so we can handwave a lot of stuff and say Hiruzen trusts her... she can prove she's Tsunade's apprentice and close with Hokage 5-7 (5-6? I think if Sarada is 5 then Naruto has a few years before he's Hokage). She maybe doesn't even mention having another person with her (or she says the other person is someone whose identity Hiruzen can't know for Time Paradox Reasons and he assumes it's someone important's child or something). But she does float the idea of accessing old labs-- she knows they're there, she knows they got left untouched for years after being scrubbed down after Orochimaru defection, she knows they'll have some access to useful tools for solving their problem while also giving them privacy from the rest of the village, and she can lie and say that in her time, they're back in use and she personally has worked there.

Sakura goes back to the clearing she left Orochimaru in with the idea that all she has to do his keep anyone from noticing him for the fifteen minutes it takes to sneak him into the lab. And then he immediately tells baby Team 7 his real name.

Itachi and Kisame straight-up just go get dango in Konoha, so I think once you're in the village, it's fairly easy to keep a low profile? And.... baby Sasuke and Naruto are really cute. So Sakura gets bullied into taking them to lunch. Plus, it gives her time to come up with a way to get them to not tell Kakashi Orochimaru tried to teach them water jutsu. Seriously, why did he do that???

And, if I were to continue the fic, I think this gives Orochimaru enough psychological leverage to get Sakura to let him take the genin with him into the lab, or maybe convince her to go find Kakashi for them and him alone with them again. (His motivations are 70% to fuck with Adult Sakura in particular, and like 30% weird nostalgia for his favorite ex-student Sasuke.)

My ideal direction for this AU would be for Orochimaru to play Adult Sakura hard enough that he convinces her to help him kidnap Sasuke, just because that would be really funny? But it would take a lot of finagling and build-up for that to seem like a good idea on Sakura's end. Like I fully believe in Orochimaru's ability to do this, just not my ability to write it LMAO.

....also there'd be at least one conversation where Orochimaru complains that there's no way Ino and/or Hinata are sufficient caregivers for his precious Mitsuki in his absence. He's sure they're fine for an average child like Sarada, but Mitsuki is so gifted and talented--

(ignore that Orochimaru has 100% dropped Mitsuki on, like, Suigetsu for babysitting)

Also My_Shipping_Senses_Are_Tingling commented, "and that’s how saskue naruto and sakura all immediately trusted them in the exams and proceeded to become rouge ninja" which I think is really funny. Like I think it'd be funny if Team 7 went through this whole ordeal with absolutely no idea how dangerous Orochimaru is or how close to a breakdown "Mingo" is and come out of like: "Well, those were some cool adults we learned a lot from!"

Then when contemporary Orochimaru confronts them in the forest of death, they react very.... positively? Trusting?? And he has no idea why but he's going to roll with it. Come on kids, we're going to go fucking with Proctor Anko. I'll get you one of those scrolls if you behave well.

prompt: postcanon orochimaru time travels to team seven's genin days. maybe postcanon sakura is there too, because they were in the middle of supervising a playdate or something. it's a very confusing experience for everyone else

prompt filled on AO3!

Orochimaru and Sakura Travel through Time by Misfit_McCoward

“WHAT DID YOU DO?” Sakura screeched. The ground cracked ominously under her feet.

“Sakura-san, please,” Orochimaru chided. “Not every forbidden jutsu is my fault.”