#can you imagine OUR Vincent saying those things tho!?

[depression-napping]

New translation up, and this one is a biggie :)

FFVII Early Materials File - Unused Vincent Valentine Scenario from Ultimania Omega

Summary: Early plotline and character development for Vincent Valentine

You may have heard of this one before, and it’s true, he was going to be much more of a Vincent Valentino than the quiet, stern, brooding (and unintentionally seductive?) man we see before us today ❤️

[queens-hoes]

Ikevamp Suitors as University Professors (Part Two!)

Isaac

Physics Prof ofc with a love of Astronomy

When his class sees him for the first time at the beginning of the year, they usually think he’s another student

A graduate student at most

Imagine their shock when he starts leading the lecture oh boy

Arthur and Dazai love sitting in on the first day to hear all the gasps those little shits

Isaac’s students learn rEAL QUICK that despite looking super young, he shouldn’t be messed with

This boy is hELLA smart

Arthur makes it a point to visit often and persuade the class to prank poor ole Newt

But they actually respect him a lot sorry Arthur

Isaac is a way better teacher than he gives himself credit for

which is important because Physics...oH BOY

I had to learn some Newtonian Physics for an Astronomy class and I cRIED

Even though he seems aloof, he spends hours tutoring students after class/during office hours when they struggle to understand certain concepts

He’s got a hidden heart of gold that not many people get to see

He’s definitely one of those profs that students remember like 30 years after graduating

Lots of students take turns leaving an apple on his desk before every lecture

At the end of the year, they get him a huge barrel of apples and apple-themed decorations

He scowls, but he’s secretly endeared

Shut up Isaac you know you love it

Theo

An Art History prof!

Every first-year art student has to take both Vincent’s class and Theo’s class

After finding out that the two are brothers, most of them are excited to meet Theo since Vincent is such a sweetheart

only to meet the Devil incarnate

Theo doesn’t play around! 

You will know the difference between Neo-Impressionism and Post-Impressionism and you will like it

The people that called this class a piece of cake are quaking as he goes through the syllabus 

Although Theo seems scary and a lot like a prickly lil pineapple, it’s clear that he truly has a passion for art even tho he doesn’t make any of his own

But bc of this passion, he expects everyone to be perfect at all times

Sometimes Vincent will drop by and it’s like a breath of fresh air

Is Professor Theo...smiling??

As the semester goes on, he kinda grows on everyone

He does his best to make his lessons interesting so everyone can get as excited by art as he does

Actually says really wise things sometimes? albeit in a Theo-esque way

“Now listen here. All of you are artists with your own methods and none of you need to imitate these old styles if you don’t want to. All these painters are dead and even if they weren’t, they wouldn’t give a shit. In fact, the only people who did give a shit were the ones that could barely hold a brush and they’re dead now too, so fuck ‘em.”

Profound.

Dazai

Literature prof with a focus on Japanese works ofc 

Also a major fixture in the Japanese branch of the Foreign Language department

He doesn’t teach the language, but he loves to teach the culture

Where Arthur probably teaches the 1st and 2nd years, Dazai teaches the  3rd and 4th years

Absolutely No One takes him seriously when they see him for the first time

Mainly bc he was lounging on the window sill as opposed to a chair

Yeah that’s right, his lecture hall has windows, as per his request

He’s a major wild card and spends most lectures walking across the desk at the front of the room

A major crackhead

Seriously, you’re never safe in his class

You never know when he might sneak up behind you and literally jumpscare you

“HeLLo AiKO-sAn~”

Super laidback, doesn’t like giving many assignments 

“Instead of an essay, why don’t you all just walk through nature today and write a poem based on your experiences~”

Lots of students low-key think he smokes up before class but this has yet to be confirmed

Brings his bird to class everyday 

Never

EVER

remembers names.

The kind of prof you either love or hate

BUT HOW COULD YOU HATE HIM

Jean

Our good Catholic boy has degrees in History and Religious Studies

He enjoys combining them by teaching classes on Religious History and the occasional World Religions class

Although he’s Christian, he enjoys hearing about other religions and is definitely not the type to debate which faith is ‘better’

buT OFC he gets rowdy students looking to start arguments from time to time

He listens patiently to all their points but DON’T FORGET that this man knows how to roast the ever living fuck out of someone if he needs to this is practically canon

It’s not a power he uses often but when he does.......those students regret ever starting that debate with him

With the exception of those poor victims, most students actually like him

Which surprises him to no end

Whenever students tell him how much they enjoyed having him as a teacher he’s like “eRRoR &$326872*&3&6″

Bc even though he’s p serious and stoic, he makes class interesting in his own unique way

He insists he isn’t that great and shouldn’t work as a prof but Napoleon is always there to go “HEY! THEY LOVE YOU!” 

Plus quite a few girls think the emo hair is a LOOK

[olmopress]

Episode III: The Return of Manovich

week 11: Vincent Miller, “Key Elements of Digital Media” / Lev Manovich, “The Language of New Media”, Principles of New Media: 2. Modularity, 4. Variability, 5. Transcoding

Today I am very Happy. Even if yesterday night AS Roma lost to some unpronounceable and unspellable German team. You know why? No, it’s not because I am going out why someone I like. And neither because I decided I want to try and go to a rage room once. None of these romantics things.

NO

It’s because today, Hideo Kojima’s long-awaited and frankly strange-looking new game Death Stranding is out!

This is me being happy with the copy of the game I just bought from this pedantic guy at GameStop who really wanted to sell me their useless (and of course expensive) fidelity card. I do not fidelize. I do not permanently associate with the revolting logics of media capitalism. Btw yes that in the background is Patti Smith’s Horses signed by herself. I am so cool, I know. What can you do.

ANYWAYS

Why is this relevant? Well, for a number of reasons. First of all because a videogame is a digital object, a digital medium. So it’s important to us. Secondly, because the themes of this game are SOOOOOOO damn interesting and appropriate for what we are doing in this class.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY

Because I decided to have yet another theme-based post. So Ladies, Gentlment, and all the other 7456 genders out there in the wide wild world, let me introduce you to this week’s issue of my blog, which will be entirely

VIDEOGAME-THEMED

Yes, I will. Sorry not sorry.

OK so as it is now customary I will skip Miller because I don’t like riassunti and synthesis and also I want to continue my honeymoon with Manovich.

Here’s me with my boy Lev.

Today we deal with the last three of Manovich’s Principles of New Media. Today I also want to be reader-friendly so I tell all of you from the start that I am going to explain briefly the principle and then pick an example, of course from some videogame. OK fellas? Ready to go.

Principle No. 2: Modularity

Well, modularity is quite easy. Manovich uses it to explain how digital objects are assembled through independent parts, which working on their own constitute the totality of the aforementioned object. A good example from videogames is the phenomenon of pop-up textures: that thing that happens when you’re playing a game in 3D graphics which uses real-time rendering, but optimization hasn’t been done well enough (or you’re just pushing the graphics beyond your hardware capabilities) and so you get some textures to be rendered with a delay. And this sucks because, well, it’s not very realistic and it makes you realize you’re just playing a videogame.

:( this is extreme tho. Sometimes it’s just OK.

[Btw pop-up textures are essentially what Manovich is referring to at page 39 when he writes about “distancing” and “level of detail”]

Manovich refers to this also as the “fractal structure” of digital media, which very cool and very LSD-like. So, yeah, cool.

BUT EVEN COOLER THAN THIS

is how this made me think of Aristotle. Your friendly neighborhood Western-culture-generator philosopher loved to talk about how the whole of something is more than the sole value of its components. Which, in some ways, doesn’t really seem to apply completely to digital media.

SOMETHING TO REFLECT UPON

Oh. And I was also thinking that maybe, MAYBE

MAYBE

all this modularity in our daily lives is also affecting the way our minds work. Like we now struggle to create coherent, consistent (“hardwired” Manovich would say) arguments or chains of reasoning, but instead rely completely on modular frames of understanding. Like we now tend to see things as separate and independent from each other, and we have trouble in looking at the bigger picture.

“OF COURSE YOU MUST BE WRONG, WE’RE AS CAPABLE AS EVER IN UNDERSTANDING ISSUES IN THEIR TOTALITY. BUT NO KID CLIMATE CHANGE IS NOT REAL BECAUSE ADMITTING IT WOULD MEAN RECONSIDER THE PRIVILEGES I GREW UP AS EXPRESSIONS OF A POST-INDUSTRIAL COLONIAL SYSTEM OF EXPLOITATION  YESTERDAY SNOWED IN BERGAMO SO NO TROUBLE”

But let us not be distracted by such irrelevant issues.

Principle No. 4: Variability

Now this is obvious but still so cool. However, the question of variability is so multifaceted and complex that is difficult to pin it down to a single definition. I’ll try my best, though. I would say that

the concept of variability refers to all the ways in which digital objects can be modified, altered, or updated at the source of their distribution.

That is, without having to physically change anything. The only thing that variability needs is some form of the refresh button. It is a sort of physically invisible mutation, a “liquid” transformation, as Manovich says. And of course this has to do with Numerical Representation, Modularity, and Automation.

Before getting into the real interesting stuff about variability, Manovich makes seven examples. A couple of them will help grasp the concept better. So yeah, example three reads like this:

“Information about the user can be used by a computer program to customize automatically the media composition as well as to create elements themselves” (37)

In that unfortunately incomplete masterpiece that Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is, you get to play as badass Venom Snake aka (sort of...) Big Boss, a super amazing and incredibly skilled soldier who has to infiltrate military compounds and all sorts of other infiltrable things between Afghanistan and Zaire around the mid-80s. In this game, you can decide what kind of equipment to bring with you, and approach the mission the way you like best. You can bring big-ass noisy weapons and just have a crazy battles, you can use assault rifles of sniper guns with silencers and be very quiet, and you can also use guns with tranquilizers so that you don’t kill anybody. You just put them to sleep.

Now, the cool thing about it is that the more you progress in the game, the more enemy soldiers will adjust to your playing stile. For instance, I remember using only tranquilizers with pistols and sniper rifles. So I would get lots of headshots, because when you headshot someone, he instantly falls asleep. After a few missions, most of my enemies adapted and started wearing helmets! So it was much harder for me to get those headshots.

See? This is an example of automation and variability.

There is also of course example number six. The one about periodical updates. Again, for anybody who ever played a videogame online, this is usual business.

I remember I once was thirteen. Yeah I know that’s hard to imagine, but for a moment just please bear with me. When I was thirteen I was very much into multiplayer FPSs. At that time particular, me and my friends would spend entire days on Call of Duty: Black Ops. Now, the online multiplayer was constantly updated and amended, so that if someone discovered that a certain build for a weapon made that weapon totally over-powered and impossible to play against, the guys at Activision would correct the flaw and balanced the game again. But variability in the game also occurred when DLCs were released: new maps, new weapons, new elements would ‘enter’ the world of the online game and of course alter it. It was cool, really. Cause the game evolved throughout the season. But the you had to buy the new one and spend other money and start back again and… really, can we just say fuck capitalism? That game could have lasted decades. Damn.

ANYWAY

By far the most interesting thing to me came at page 40, when Manovich discusses variability in terms of interactivity and hypermedia. In particular, he distinguishes between two ‘versions’ of interactivity.

Open interactivity: an interactive object “in which both the elements and the structure of the whole object are either modified or generated on the fly in response to the user’s interaction with a program.” (40)

Closed interactivity: an interactive object “that uses fixed elements arranged in a fixed braching structure” (40) and therefore on which users have only ‘liberty of order’. That is, they can only choose in which order to interact with the elements.

Now, try to follow me for a second. I think this distinction opens up one possibility of categorizing videogames. But we need to add one more category. We have

Linear games (Super Mario, the first Metal Gear Solid, Resident Evil 4…) which display a ‘limited’, ‘scripted’ interactivity. That is: you have to follow the path that has been chosen for you by the developers. You cannot decide in which order to do things. You go ahead with the game – interact with it, sure, but you basically witness the story unfold in front of your eyes passively.

Open world games (GTA, Spiderman, Pokémon games…), which essentially function on a principle of closed interactivity. You’re free to roam around and do whatever you want, to choose your own ‘order of interaction’ with the elements on the map, but you cannot act on the storyline, which is still linear and scripted for you. The story doesn’t change, no matter what you do inside or outside of the main missions.

pure RPGs (Fallout 4, Final Fantasy, Skyrim, Mass Effect…) which instead function on a principle of open interactivity. Your choices inform the way in which the game unfolds in terms of story, world, and sometimes even gameplay. The interaction is open because it allows to be formed in response to what the player does.

I should totally write a narratology of videogames.

I’ve already written a lot and I want to get to the last principle, but

I NEED

to point out something that comes around the end of page 41. Ready? So Manovich writes:

“The principle of variability exemplifies how, historically, changes in media technologies are correlated with social change. If the logic of old media corresponded to the logic of industrial mass society, the logic of new media fits the logic of the postindustrial society, which values individuality over conformity. […] In this way new media technology acts as the most perfect realization of the utopia of an ideal society composed of unique individuals. New media objects assure users that their choices—and therefore, their underlying thoughts and desires—are unique, rather than preprogrammed and shared with others.” (41-2)

Now, I am not sure precisely where Manovich stands on this argument, but this definitely rang a bell for me.

HEY LEV, EVER HEARD OF A LAD CALLED PASOLINI?

Because yeah, digital media gave us this fantastic possibility of escaping omologation because anybody can see, read, do whatever they want without any authority providing them with univocal content.

But are we really sure this is the triumph of individuality? Couldn’t this be just a new, and much more subtle and devilish form of conformity?

My bro and spiritual-granddaddy PPP believed so. And you, he was writing in the early seventies – not long before being brutally killed by neo fascists with the complacency of the State a Roman kid in Ostia – and virtually all of his predictions are becoming a terrible reality. Because Pier Paolo believed the (back then) new consumer society (which let’s face it gave birth to digital media the way we know it today) was only a new, horrible, de-humanizing form of fascism.

This is for anybody who understands a little italian and loves tragic heroes talking about the horrors of late capitalism on winter beaches.

BUT WE HAVE TO COME TO AN END, DON’T WE?

Principle No. 5: Transcoding

I’ll be very brief, this is easy. Manovich defines transcoding starting from the difference between the “cultural layer” (pretty much the visual, the interface) and the “computer layer” (basically code) of digital media. Using the example of videogames again, the cultural layer of a videogame is all that you see happening on the screen, while the computer layer is the code ‘behind’ it that makes it all happen in that way.

Fine, cool. Transcoding, Manovich says, happens everytime these two layers—these two languages, really—start to mix and mesh with each other.

The best example that I can come up with right now—and I am sorry if I can’t think of anything better but you know I have a graceful lady waiting for me, his date—has to do again with open world videogames.

SO HERE’S THE THING, I THINK

Open world videogames emerged and became the next big thing of gaming when the internet was already a big thing. And there’s a reason for that. It’s because the structure of an open world mimics, in many ways, that of the WWW.

THINK ABOUT IT

An open world is somewhere were you can roam around (I want to say navigate so badly!) pretty much everywhere you want. Most of the times you can jump from one places to another, sometimes using a nice menu/database of possible locations (reminds you of anything? Hyperlinking? Search engines, anybody?). You can’t really create much, but you can see everything. Well, that to me sounds like WWW.

COULD IT BE LOVE? TRANSCODING?

I think it is, baby.

We’re sadly at the end of our ride

:(

But don’t be afraid!

THERE’S STILL ROOM FOR MUSIC AND VISUAL ARTS

Today we celebrate videogames, so what’s better than a collection of some classics in videogame music history? Enjoy.

As for visuals, I want to come full circle. Hideo Kojima’s game have always been blessed with amazing character design and illustrations by his bro Yoji Shinkawa. Death Stranding is no exception. Except that there is an exception, because these times the characters are actors! Great actors! Like beautiful Lea Seydoux who I hope one day to marry. Or at least to hookup with, come on. Anyways, that’s beyond my point. I just wanted to introduce this beautiful promotional picture for Death Stranding.

It really is beautiful.

до свидания!

Image Sources: Parade, Pure Nintendo, Tech in Asia, GIPHY, Know Your Meme

[foxgloves-fox-love]

Self-shipping AU

Just wanted to do these questions hehe ;w;

1. What kind of blog does your f/o have? Do they selfship on main? Do they look like a regular fan? Quiet reblogs or lots of gushing? Lots of analyses of your character and your source or incoherent blabbering? Do they have a headcanon blog? Do they try to roleplay as you?

Ren is shameless and only has like one sideblog that he reserves for creative stuff. He posts everything else onto his main blog. He also gushes a lot just lots of keysmashing and talking about how cute I am, and not a lot of analyses just tons of blabbering. He posts all his headcanons on his main blog and frequently tags pictures with our ship name if they remind him of us.

2. Do they prefer selfshipping by inserting themselves into your source, or by daydreaming about you in their own little / personal world, or by imagining you by their side during their daily life?

He definitely daydreams about me in his own little world especially before bed and also imagines me by his side during his daily life. He would probably insert himself into my source as well bc he's not satisfied with where he is in his life. He just wants to do everything.

3. What’s their self insert like? Is their s/i literally them? Is it basically them but with just a few changes - to be more like the person they’d like to be, or to “fit in” your source better? Is their s/i totally OP or extra or more realistic? Is it an OC that’s totally different from them?

His s/i is literally him. He doesn't change parts of himself to fit into my source or to be more like he wants to be because he uses self-shipping as coping and wants me to love him for him.

4. Do they spend more time on wikipedia, on your fandom wiki, on your TV tropes page? Looking for official content they might’ve missed, like fun trivia? Looking for fanart, for fics? Looking for information and details and references for fics or art or other fancontent they’re making because they want to make sure they get everything right?

He's definitely a fandom wiki kind of guy and scours the internet for content. He doesn't need to look at references that much because he has me memorized pretty easily. There are multiple looks I've gone through in "canon" and while he loves all of them and it's hard to remember all of them, he tends to stick with the one that's most currently out in canon because it makes him feel like he's living beside me.

5. Do they create anything inspired by you and/or their ship with you? Fanart? Fanfics? Gifsets? Moodboards? Edits? Songs? Dances? Crafts? Playlists? Cosplays? Do they post them (or pictures of them) online? Do they sell any merch (online, at cons, etc)? Do they make pics of their selfship in dollmakers? Do they spend hours on otp prompt generators? Do they commission art of their selfship?

He creates fanart but doesn't draw much anymore and is kind of sad about it because he misses how much he used to draw. Instead he tends to write fic and create songs and playlists. He posts his music and stuff online on his sideblog for creative stuff and doesn't sell merch when he goes to cons. Because he doesn't draw as much anymore he LOVES making us in dollmakers and picrews. He also commissions a shit ton of art for his selfship and is completely shameless about it.

6. Does your f/o have a selfship wedding with you? Do they celebrate it on their blog or more privately, with their fellow selfshipper friends? Do they make any content (like art, fics, etc) to celebrate?

He wrote a song to propose with and is waiting for anime canon to catch up to his favorite part from the manga before posting it and making a huge deal about it. When he does have the wedding he commissions a really extravagant wedding picture and has it framed and put in his room.

7. Does your f/o have fankids with you? If not, maybe pets?

We own a dog and he wants to have kids when we get married so he can cope with his anxieties of being a bad father.

8. Do your f/o and your friend’s f/o plan for double dates since their f/os (you and your friend) are from the same source? How would that go?

lmao :') idk? >w> Maybe Farz and Ren would do that...

9. If you have multiple f/os (romantic, platonic, anything), imagine them making or joining a Discord server or a group chat about you or your source. Who gushes, who shares art and fics, who analyses everything, who sends memes?

Oh god lmao. So like I was doing this for Ren, but imagining everyone in a discord server is killing me!!! Vincent would do nothing but post porn gifs and be an absolute butt and laugh at people all the time and Jack would like never talk in it except to post the occasional psychological profile of me and talk about how interesting I am every once in a blue moon. Gengar would just cry type all the time. Craig would shitpost with memes and laugh at people because he’s a dick and not actually into self-shipping and Shino would analyze EVERYTHING from the show. The people who would gush and talk the most would be Ren and Omen ;w; Ren would share his music and Omen would think it's all very interesting. Omen might even develop a crush because Ren is so interesting and Ren would be completely oblivious bc he’s guzzling that self-ship juice lmao.

10. Does your f/o have very creative ship names, or are they bad with finding tags / ship names, or do they just use regular fandom tags?

Ren likes the ship name Rae and uses that irl, but he likes to do the fun creative ones in order to tag stuff. He uses "Little Star" for it.

11. What’s your f/o like when they read / watch / play your source? Do they reread / rewatch / replay their favorite parts over and over? Do they make comments aloud? Which parts of your story made them laugh? Made them cry?

Ren gets really happy when he watches the anime because it's very relaxing. He watches his favorite parts over and over and over again until he can say the dialogue by heart. He doesn't make comments aloud but he gets super emotionally invested. His favorite parts that make him laugh are when I say goofy or dumb things and then comment on the irony and break the 4th wall. The parts that make him cry the most are any time I get hurt and start crying. When I got bullied or felt bad with my classmates or was hurt when I was very young. All of those hurt him a lot and he cried about it.

12. Do they post any videos related to your source? Like AMVs? Or reaction vids (with them reacting to your source as they read / watch / play / etc)? If your source is a game, do they make a walkthrough? Is it a perfect walkthrough, a more casual one?

He would like to make AMVs but doesn't really have editing software for it, but wants to learn! He wants to post reaction vids but is nervous about posting his face online for...reasons. lmao

13. Which of your f/os has “y/n’s husband / wife / partner” as a username online?

Ren would definitely call himself my biggest fan. He wouldn't use husband but he'd definitely use fanboy.

14. Do they have merch of you? What kind of merch? Posters? Keychains? Stickers? Stuffed toys? (And if they have a plush of you, do they kiss it and sleep with it?)

He has a plush that he cuddles and sleeps with and sometimes makes out with lmao. He also has so much merch!!! He is the type to make ita content. On Christmas he decorates the tree with stuff and has posters all over the walls. His favorites tho are figures. He looooooooves figures the most. He's constantly shelling out the big bucks for the biggest and most detailed ones because he can look at them and feel like I exist in a 3d space.

15. What kind of content do they like / make the most? Is it fluff? Angst? Hurt / comfort? (btw: imagine your f/os going to you when they need comfort, because they love you and you’re comforting to them.) Do they respect canon or do they make lots of AUs? What kind of AUs do they like?

-rubs hands together- His favorite content is hurt/comfort both with me being hurt and me hurting the other party, depending on his mood. When he gets unstable and lonely he plays out angsty situations to further his spirals. He knows it's unhealthy, but it comforts him at the same time. His favorite when he's feeling like being healthier is making irl AUs where he can play out his trauma with me as a caretaker figure or alongside him and comforting me.

16. Which of your f/os has 1341 pics of you saved on their phone / laptop? What kind of pic did they choose as their phone / laptop background? Is it a canon pic of you, or fanart, or art of their selfship with you?

Ren definitely hoards a lot of shit on his phone, he has so much content of me on it it's ridiculous. Omen kind of does the same but not nearly as much because he has multiple f/os and has to share space with them lmao. Vincent's phone is just filled with porn ok just lots of rule 34 shit but he also like doesn't have a lot of content on it because like he's just a horndog and only really gives a shit about the dirty content. Jack has pictures but not a lot because he prefers to fantasize.

[fortuitea]

Hi Vincent,

I know it isn’t my place to continue to tell you how I feel about you, and maybe you shouldn’t be reading it either. I don’t really know why you still do. I used to think it was because you love me. These days I’m not very sure, and no offense taken or confusion if you don’t. It’s understandable. And that’s all I can really be for you, without really being there. I never was there how you wanted me to be.

Having said that, I just wanted to tell you I am so so proud of you. I sit here crying as I type this, because you are the best person I know, as well as the most deserving of all good.

You successfully got accepted to several universities and chose Dominguez. I was so happy for you. I know my opinion doesn’t matter as I am no longer apart of your life, but I hope you stay in school. I wasn’t much help besides helping you study every now and then, but seeing you transition from ElCo to a University really made me so proud. You’re the only reason I ever went back to school in the first place because you knew how anxious everything made me, so you helped me. And now I continue to go to school for myself. It’s hard, but you taught me that I really can do anything.

You released your beat tape. BIG KIDS! Wow. You worked very hard to make that, and I know you were hesistant to release it. But everyone loves it. I love it. I know you say making beats are simple and it only takes little effort, but I think it has a lot to do with having a good ear, which you definitely possess. I don’t think I have a specific favorite anymore. I’ve been listening to Watch Out a lot. I guess because it reminds me of being in my room with you and feeling so cool being able to try out the 404.

You also got your car out of the shop. Haha, I know it bugged you having it there for so long. You also managed to get it running. I know it made you so much happier just to have your car back. It made me happy too. Your car will always remind me of the first few months of the beginning of us, being parking on the side street near my house listening to music. Even tho that was one of the subtle causes that made your car all funky. Those are some of my favorite memories.

You also joined a second band. Multitalented! You can play keys, bass, guitar, and there really isn’t anything you can’t play really. That’s one of my favorite traits about you: you can do anything you set your mind to and get it down faster than anyone else I know. You ended this year with a bang; playing a show with all your best friends. You’ve also toured, played a million shows, and even pretty big festivals. Look at you. Being able to share your success with your friends, i think, is the type of success you and I always wanted. I think about how I might feel if I had that, and the thought of that feeling already feels nice. So, I can’t imagine how you must really feel. But I’m so glad do.

Vincent, I am so proud of you. Not just for your physical accomplishments, but how much you have grown and shown me along the way. Thank you for being so willing to share so much of yourself with someone like me. You have made me the happiest girl when I did have you, despite my stupidity. I loved all my time I spent with you. Holding your hand, hugging you, being held, being little spoon, sleeping next to you in your bed and waking up to your stinky breath, kissing your lips, laughing with you, hiding in random spots in my house to scare you and vice versa, were all of my favorite things. Even cooking, regardless of our few meals made being kind of nasty. Besides the Poke of course. I know you would say there were more bad times than good. But I know the good parts were what made everything feel worth it, fleeting or not.

Losing you has felt the worst, and not how I wanted my year to end. All I want to do is sleep longer so I don’t have to wake up knowing im going another day not seeing you and being able to hold your hand, kiss your cheek, laugh with you, share my shortened versions of already shortened words with you. But I know this is what you want. I, am not what you want. And I’m slowly learning to understand that I can’t be mad, that I can’t change that. And I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry I’ve said that more times than I ever needed to, again, based on my own stupidity. Like that time we were watching Community: be sorry before you do it, then, don’t do it. I know you might not feel the same way, and honestly, it’s not okay with me, but again, I know and am slowly grasping the fact that I can’t be upset because I can’t change how you feel. And I’ve already made you feel so much.

Vincent, pupup, b, Bincent, Lovey Rockastar, bunny baby, poo, I truly am so so happy for you. I hate that I can’t stop sobbing as I say these things. It has truly been a pleasure and an honor to know you. Thank you for every single thing you’ve done for me, even the things I may not even know of. Life is shit without you. You will always be the best person I know. I wish you the happiest and most that life has to offer in this upcoming year. You’ve made me the happiest person. You are full of wit, sincerity, and love. As I’ve said and posted before,

Im just happy for you. Someone asked me the other day if I thought I could ever love after all this. Now I know why they asked, and it’s okay. Regardless of what you’re doing now, I only want to love you. I will never forget how it felt to hear you tell me you liked me. I should say “read”, since you technically were too nervous and sent a text instead, but it’s okay because I told you I loved you back over text. Sheesh. Thank you for asking me out in the first place. I loved all of it. I love you, and I miss you so fucking much. You are perfect. And I know that eventually, everything will be ok.

With love,

Matilita