#can you believe that freak gets his forms notarized

[cattythespy]

Still chuckling over "That man insists on making contracts through the guild" about Chilchuck.

[ohlisaaaa]

Old thoughts

July 23, 2018 I haven't felt this way for a long time. It feels familiar, yet new. And he definitely defies ALL the stereotypes of meeting someone online. Like, you date so much so you know the pattern right? He does the "moves" but doesn't follow the pattern. It's interesting, makes me curious and want to know more. Obviously he isn't perfect, cuz I'd be freaking out. But he's a good, good guy. Anyway point of this was since I deleted all our texts bec I thought he was being an asshole, I have to type out everything lol. Dude you know me and dating memorabilia. Don't think I'm using the word right but we are just gonna go with it. Ok when we first had coffee, he told me straight up he was sweating in the car before he met me lol. He was nervous and said it even in text. I think his last girlfriend was in high school... doesn't matter. He met me at the park while I got sushi and his mom was like what if she stood you up and he said no she doesn't seem like that type of girl and he was looking for me in the window haha. Also I jokingly asked him to ask his mom about coupling tips and he actually did. She said there was too many haha. He walked me back to my car (can't imagine a guy NOT doing that, Melody LOL) hugged x2 then he's like you wanna hang out tomorrow?! He texted me after the park and said it was nice meet June 28, 2018 Palliative was interesting because I've never seen it in person before. Only read about it. M on the other hand was amazing. Seriously, the visits were very insightful. I think I learned a lot. It kind of felt like a sales visit, but at the same time she didn't push the patient or their family towards anything. Just educating them on the levels of care that Residential has to offer after home care. Focusing on the goals. Educating on the importance of what YOU want and when it would be a time for the highest level of care which is hospice. Five wishes which is a form of advanced directives that can be notarized to be legal. DNR and the levels of resuscitation that you want. MPOA (medical power of attorney). The first lady we saw had a wedding that she really wanted to go to the following week and was working really hard with OT, PT to gain strength to be able to walk without feeling short of breath and getting used to her oxygen tank. Curative vs. comfort. Knowing when to stop curative treatments without it working. Getting the courage to be able to make the decision and say no more treatment. Recurrent hospitalizations, poly pharmacy. The diagnosis is leading to a decline. Both patients and their family members talked about how their doctors don't use layman terms and don't know when to stop. They don't listen to what the patient's want. It's not their fault, medical school teaches them to cure the patient. But there needs to be The Journey department was created to bridge that gap. Home care allows me to see what happens when something unexpected happens August 2, 2018 I just don't understand. I guess it's not for me to understand. It's not for me to dissect apart. It is the way it is. Why do I have to go through so much disappointment, so much heartbreak. My anxiety is through the roof. My mind is wandering aimlessly with no end. The voices in my head can't stop My heart wants everything to halt Dating filled my empty hole after my failure. I don't know how I'm going to get past it. If I ever do. It feels like I'm just moving through time, not really feeling. Not really tasting. Not really smelling. Not really hearing. Not really touching. Like all my senses have gone numb. This isn't who I am. Worst part is I don't know how to come up through this. Doesn't help that people in my life disappoint me one after the other. People are wishing Charles a happy birthday and how he's the best person ever and yes he may be the best father and nurse on earth but oh boy. Do they want to know his other side? Pisses me off. Can he actually be a man and tell me straight up? Nope, he just likes to ignore me while I tend to every beck and call. I have to be strong and not let him take advantage of me. Mistakes happen right? And Paul. I spent so much time with him. And he just ignores me. Why does everyone I meet in my life expect ME to save them? I wish the world could just quiet down. Just stop. Just leave me alone. Just leave me the fuck alone. And I know. I know the power to do it all is within me. I have to be strong. The only person that can save me, is me. The only problem is, what happens when I already ran out of strength? May 29, 2018 After the busy long weekend, I’m feeling so tired. Mostly emotional. Think I’m getting my monthly visitor. It is that time. I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Can someone just tell me what to do, step by step? I was thinking about it and dude this is my rock bottom. Like I can’t even sink any lower. I do have to say, I’m excited for my new job but that’s it. Graduate school went down the hole, it’s been a month but I don’t feel normal. Maybe I need a new normal. I just don’t feel motivated. LIU sent an email out saying they are unmatched cuz someone decided not to go. Annoyed emoji. I don’t even know where to begin. I wanted this for so long 😦 Oof shall we go into the romantic part of my life? I tell myself this is a fun thing but shall we face the actual facts? I think this will make me more unstable. I can’t not have feelings for things, you know? HE IS 37, WITH TWO CHILDREN + TWO, NOT ONE BUT TWO BABY MAMA’S. Laughing emoji. Dude, I know I can have fun but is this really the way? I really don’t think I can even have “fun” when I seriously can’t handle myself emotionally. Still in the process of loving myself. And when I justify having relationships with people who I normally wouldn’t go out with, it’s a problem. I don’t think I’ve made any sense, to be honest. So many racing thoughts. Ok, I shall use what Matt taught me and focus on one thought or I’ve noticed focusing on one object helps. And yes, I think I need a new normal. I think I will give myself one month (more) to just think everything through. I want to adjust to my new job too. And focusing on myself, no dating apps. Exercising and not overeating for the past couple days so that’s good. I want to be proud of my body and feel good. So since my main focus was school and it’s going to happen for some time, my mind needs a new distraction because obviously, my mind can’t sit still. So it just so happened to be Charles. But dude, I seriously wonder why the universe put HIM in my path. I’ve read a quote somewhere that says having daydreams is good because it motivates you to achieve your dreams and I use to daydream 24/7 about interviews and I got one from Michigan. And dating an older guy, Charles wasn’t exactly what I had in mind but yeah. I like to think it’s telling me that I have to focus on myself because he clearly isn’t the one so I shouldn’t fall head over heels with the first person who notices me. If I want something, I need to really want it. Also, I have to stop seeing the good in everyone. Some people just have bad in them. I have to grow thicker skin too. I know I want to sleep with him, buuuuuut I probably shouldn’t. The reckless side of me is saying do it, do it. But the responsible side is saying no, this will end badly (like the Jake situation, cough cough). Charles is cool, more like a friend though. Because I know I don’t believe this now, but I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. Someone who puts me first Someone who is interested in what I have to say Someone who will go on midnight walks with me Someone who will hold my hand in alleyways Someone who will talk to me no matter what time of the day it is Someone who will support anything I do I’m not looking for anyone to complete me, someone who will love me unconditionally.