#can you be my bestfriend who i can talk about important topics to reflect?

[growingwithem]

We love our kyuhyun @ssamja-trash ❤️‍🩹🏳️‍🌈

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[kaorinessislove]

20210711

hi tumblr, it’s been a while since i last opened you. 

well here i am again because i think i needed to vent out my emotions. because if not, i know for sure that it will gonna eat me inside. 

you know what, since i started dating my entire life, i had no idea that i’ll become this girl who would be just an option for someone i am interested with. you wanna know the reason why my first boyfriend and i broke up? he broke up with me with a very vague reason the moment my bestfriend in highschool became single again. i didn’t know the real reason behind the breakup not until the day i was hanging out with my other friend in her house and she told me the real reason because she thought i deserved to know. it was very embarrasing because i literally cried hard that day (oh well because it was my first heartbreak) and what’s more hard was my bestfriend was also in love with that guy i used to date and to be honest with you it took me time to heal but eventually i accepted it because i felt that they were both sincere (well, they’re not together know, they are both happy with their own love lives) and even until today i remained friends with the girl and i am very close to her family.

fast forward to college.

so i met this guy on the 3rd term of my 1st year college days. we dated for almost 5 months. i really thought he was sincere, to him, i lost my virginity and made me believe that i was the first. ignoring all the red flags that came my way i continued to the relationship until we both decided to end things between us, little did i know that i was once again encountering something similar with my first. a month after our breakup , i don’t know why but we were starting to talk again  BUT there was a caring friend of mine who told me the whole story the time we broke up. they were in a club drinking with my girl friend, my friend who told me everything, my ex and other people. though my friend was tipsy, he was sure of what he saw, that my friend and my ex were kissing. at first i am not bothered since we were not dating that time. but there was a day of confrontation where i learned everything. that the time and moment we were dating,my ex was thinking of my friend the whole time right from the start  wishing that he was with her instead of me. like WHAT THE FUCK like why did u bother yourself and most especially bother me and waste my time lol. oh because he cant be with that girl because his friend is dating that girl. so i was a total wreck but with the help of my college friends, i surpassed that time of my life.

fast forward today. 

I was a dating a guy who has a very high libido. and u know what i am really doing my best to catch up with that libido of him because he said that sexual relationship is important to him. though there are plenty of times that i would get into trouble because of that. so the other day, he said he was reflecting on about his life and the next step we would make for our relationship to grow until we came on a certain topic about sexual fantasy. i know what’s his sexual fantasy is, it’s threesome with me and of course with other woman. and i asked who’s the other woman in his fantasy aside from me, though i already have a clue of who she is. IT’S NON OTHER THAN MY BESTFRIEND IN COLLEGE. idk why but though i already  expected it there’s something heavy inside me i carry since the first day i found out. I was ok the night i found out but the day after, it drove me crazy until now. the reasons as to why she’s in his fantasy was we three have the common things, like we are living alone in other countries, that SHE IS HIS TYPE. mind you that was the exact word of his. that she has a beautiful face (because she is half british and almost of the guys in college are dying to date her) that she is intelligent (undeniably intelligent) that she is kind (indeed) and last but not the least she has a nice body. like what the fuck hahahahahahaha though prior to telling me this honestly. he told me that i should not be angry. i know i am not this beautiful, nor intelligent (i am average but i am more streetwise lol) and it suddenly became my source of insecurity. BECAUSE I remember the time before my man asked me to change his ig and twitter pw, that friend of mine was the last person he searched lol and he liked whatever she tweeted. 

i still wasnt able to tell him about what bothers me now but since that day i don’t reply to his messages properly and as of the moment i am on my nightshift and i cant seem to focus well so i did make use of our internet here to vent out (my boss told me that it’s ok to use the internet and study lol) tbh my fingers hurt right now lol. 

my real thought right now; i am tired to be an option. tired to be someone who’s always available. if they dont like me from the start i really hope that they would just let me live my simple life, because to begin with i didnt need and want them. i think i deserve more. i deserve the freedom that i long ever since. and because of this, despite my age (turning 24 in a few days) i no longer want a commitment because of this trauma. lol 3 times and i thought i was enough but was never enough. because of this, i aspire to be a strong, independent woman that no man can reach me because i am afraid i might be an option again. i dream to be the crazy rich  person who smokes and drinks a lot, may be alone, but free. totally different from the real me because i was told that im boring then. u really dont know what you’re capable of when you’re hurt. 

[liibrii]

In honour of today being National Culture Day in my country and exactly a year since I've seen my favourite band perform live, I've decided to take a minute and talk about Dream Theater. And by talk I mean mostly nerd out about my favourite songs and why I love them so much.

in case you haven’t heard of Dream Theater before, they’re an american progressive metal band, who’s been around since 1985. idk what else to say except even if you don’t like metal/rock give a listen to Beneath the surface.

tw: some pretty heavy topics such as death, murder, mental illness, alcoholism,... 

so to start, I love the versatility of their songs and yet they still have that distinct Dream Theater sound. my favourite part of their music are the lyrics. a lot of them are inspired by their own personal experience, which often makes them just the more heart breaking. and for others, I don't know what creator juice these guys are on but I'd like some. they’re the kind of lyrics you want to read while listening to the music just to really get the meaning, and you spend days thinking about them. or maybe that’s just me. :D 

also Petrucci's guitar skills are outta this world, which sadly often overshadows others who are also incredible musicians. I have a soft spot the singer LaBrie cause 1. his voice and singing are magnificent, and 2. he damaged his voice pretty badly but perservered even when critics weren’t very nice to his singing and I respect that.

I'll start with my favourite album (and the one I heard live) - Metropolis Pt. 2: scenes from a Memory. it's a concept album, which if you don't know is an album that has a single central narrative (can be lyrics, musical theme,...). in this case it tells a story of Nicholas, a man who keeps having dreams about a girl named Victoria, and how through hypnotic therapy he discovered he was her in the previous life. Victoria was murdered and her death never solved, so we follow him as he discovers the truth behind her death. I won't spoil it, in case you're curious but don't wanna read the lyrics you can find a synopsis here. I'll just say the story of this album is better than majority of movies.

If you put a gun to my head and made me choose my favourite song on this album it would be the very last one: Finally Free. it's charged with so much emotion, the way LaBrie sings the lyrics; you can tell which part belongs to which character, it's just soooo good! The way each repeats the lines This feeling / Inside me / I finally found my love (life) / I've finally broke free - and I'd go on but I'd get into spoiler territory. so. let's move on with the closing melody (it's not much of a melody, more like static) that becomes the opening of the first song on their next album Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence is another concept album. this album. man, how do I even begin to explain it? I can't, you gotta listen to it. have you ever imagined an entire album telling stories of people living with things like alcoholism, post-partum depression, autism, schizophrenia? it may sound intimidating and I won't lie, some songs touch you so deeply it's hard to listen to them (looking at you Goodnight kiss).

and now that my fave albums are outta the way let's talk about my favourite songs in no particular order! (just a note, pretty much everything I’ll say about the lyrics is my personal interpretation)

Beneath the Surface (album: A dramatic turn of Events) - the one that makes me cry like a baby. the one I tefuse to shut up about. the story of two people who are in love, neither aware the other feels the same,  both too scared to make a move till it’s to late and their feelings fade. just, listen to it, please. it’s also the least ‘metal’ of their songs, if that’s not the kind of music you’re fond of.

Spirit carries on (album: Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a memory): I can’t say much about it without spoiling the story of the album, so let’s say it was experience of a lifetime singing this song on the concert, off key and out of tune, with your bestfriends beside you, all of you crying. 10/10 experience.

Through her eyes (album: Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a memory) - same as Spirit carries on :D

Finally free (album: Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a memory) - the emotion!! I want to sing this song at the top of my lungs while it makes tears pour down my face. it’s such a good final song to this absolutely brilliant album.

Pull me Under (album: Images and Words) - when that LaBrie voice hits... if you’ve ever heard this song you know what I mean, and if you are yet too, you’ll know which part I mean. you’ll hear it, trust me. (it’s at 2:54)

Vacant (album: Train of thought): ah look, another song that makes me cry. LaBrie wrote this after his daughter fell into coma for 3 hours when she was 7, and let me tell you, you can feel the fear. easily one of their most heart breaking songs. but she’s okay now, don’t worry. :)

Stream of Consciousness (album: Train of Thought) - an instrumental song with guys just flexing their skills. 

Wither (album: Black Clouds & Silver Linings) - the story behind this song is Petrucci had trouble coming up with new lyrics so this mad-lad pulled a UNO reverse card and wrote a song on having trouble creating. and as a writer who often hits writer’s block I relate to that. 

Count of Tuscany (album: Black Clouds & Silver Linings) - the story of this song could easily be a movie. you meet a young count on your travels and he takes you to his home where his slightly eccentric brother lives, and before you know you’re terrified for your life. I have yet to hear a song that captures the fear of dying as well as this one. 20 minutes of pure bliss and singing at the top of your lungs. 

Out of Reach (album: Distance over Time) - you know that feeling of falling for someone who’s out of reach? yeah, that. 

Fall into the light (album: Distance over Time) - the line Too much love is not enough for us makes me question what is really important in life and I love it when songs make me think. it’s such a simple line and yet so powerful. (spare some of the creator juice?)

Ministry of Lost Souls (album: Systematic Chaos) - you thought we were done with songs that make me cry? ha, think again! this is the song that sold me on Dream Theater. the lyrics have 2 different interpretations, both of which are heart breaking and thus I won’t talk about them. :) 

Prophets of War (album: Systematic Chaos) - I’m not saying it’s about the possible ulterior motives of the Iraq war buuuut... oh no, wait that’s exactly what the song is about. 

Endless sacrifice (album: Train of Thought) - just a song about how relationships take work and compromising, especially when one is a musician and often on tours. Petrucci wrote this song for his wife. get you a man who recognises how much you’ve sacrificed to make the relationship work. 

Build me up, break me down (album: A dramatic turn of events) - I have no other reason for liking this song other than it is an absolute banger.

Panic Attack (album: Octavarium) - this song includes my favourite singing from LaBrie. goosebumps every time. and also the suffocating feeling of pure panic, the paralysis you feel are so well reflected in the music it’s unreal. 

Octavarium (album: Octavarium) - this song has my fave line: It's wonderful to know that I could be / Something more than what I dreamed. and it also takes the award of “Lyrics whose meaning I’ve been trying to figure out for years and still have no clue“. and the orchestral parts of this song... I hope to get a chance to hear it live one day.

I was debating putting some of my favourite lyrics here but I think this post is already long enough. :)

in conclusion, I love Dream Theater and I hope they keep making music!! ♡