#can we tell im rereading spiderverse

[lildoodlenoodle]

Thinking about timelines again:

Going by actual numbers/calendar, spider noir is a teenager(HS age) in 1933.

Going by an events timeline, spider noir is mid-late 20s at the beginning of the comics spiderverse event.

The ITSV movie says he’s from 1933. But they could(and have) swapped ages/timelines for characters to have them fit comic spiderverse(ish). The only way dude could be past his 20s/early 30s in ITSV is if they scrap his comcis all together, which is sad. Boooo tomato tomato tomato 🍅

[sw4tch]

///vent stuff

*deep sigh* you know why that hit me so hard?

i’m scared of being genuinely mediocre. the kind of mediocre person that’s easy to forget about, easy to replace, easy to abandon.

I’m scared of being justifiably abandoned and forgotten.

I keep living my life thinking “if i become real good at this, if i put all my effort, if i cant be the best but definitely the most dependable one, then i can secure my value in the world. I can be a valuable person that people won’t be in a hurry to replace”. 

Make yourself indispensable and you’ll never be alone in your entire life.

so i do my best, i try to do better, i try to... I try to be good. 

so hearing this man just. tearing me apart, saying i have no talent for it, that i surely didn’t put enough effort, then It. 

It scares me. Because maybe he’s right and I’m a talentless hack that another 7281329 artists around the world can REPLACE (they can and they WILL).

Maybe i’m not a real digital artist. Maybe i just draw good sometimes.

Maybe my passion isn’t enough and i’ll never make it in this capitalist world.

and listen.

I’d love to be Mediocre.

I’d love to just be able to draw good sometimes and. Call it a day. get a job in accounting or another very stable office job. Live without a worry that i’ll starve to death if i’m not good enough. I’d just have to be GOOD. not excellent, not amazing, just. Good. Enough.

I wish what i did now was ENOUGH. But it’s not, not if i want to be a digital artist.

I need to be excellent, competitive, INDISPENSABLE, to ensure that I won’t starve to death.

and it’s just. It’s a lot of pressure, knowing that if you’re not good enough, then you’re done for. 

There’s millions of ~mediocre artists~

There’s only a few people with real talent that GET to inspire others, that GET the dream of working in what they love, that GET to not work a single day in their life because of it.

ufdhhd. ugh, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? Being mediocre shouldn’t be bad. mediocre is such.

okay. mediocre, what is mediocre? something not good enough? okay, good.

But like. being mediocre at art shouldn’t devalue yourself as a person. shouldn’t make people think less of you. Being mediocre shouldn’t be such a capital sin that makes people look DOWN on you.

We don’t start being AMAZING at everything, we learn and get better everyday, either in being an artist or any other thing. and before we get truly good?? WE ARE MEDIOCRE. and that shouldn’t... that shouldn’t make you want to kill yourself. you’re at the half point of the journey. and even if you stay there, at the half point, well.

You’re still important as a person.

You’re still worthy of love.

and.

oh god.

I’m so depressed. I am absolutely depressed over this. I keep thinking “well, if a professional in the industry, a man that animated for SPIDERVERSE, THAT MOVIE YOU LOVE SO MUCH, tells you are a lame excuse for an animator?? then maybe he’s RIGHT and you’ll never be anything else”

oh god i’ll never make it out of here

i’ll always be stuck at this home, stuck taking care of my mother, begging my father to give us rent money so that we have a roof on our heads, stuck in Mexico forever, never to see the world STUCK IN THE HELL HOLE STUCK IN THE HELL HOLE STUCK GINT JWHEMH EHELL HOLE

EVERYONE ELSE IS SO TALENTED, EVERYONE ELSE IS BEAUTIFUL, EVERYONE ELSE HAS EVERYTHING

AND I AM NOTHING

I HAVE NOTHING

I AM NOTHING TO NO ONE AND THE WORLD WOULDN’T MISS ME AT ALL BECAUSE ANYONE CAN REPLACE ME

jdsj

fjdfjkdjkfdjkfdjkfjkfdjk 

god.

when i write down the louder thoughts. they. they hurt a lot more but also. i can. reread them. and reread them, and think. and think.

i’m so scared of being poor forever, of always living paycheck to paycheck. 

I don’t want to stay here in Mexico, i want to leave, i want to start a new life out there, somewhere BETTER, somewhere SAFER. 

i want to find my real family, a family made of friends that love me, a family i can actually love.

I don’t want to be stuck in a low paying job that i hate just to have a roof on my head. I’m scared, i’m so scared.

I’d rather be dead than stuck here forever oghgod

im panicking

okay

wwmd

what would mob do? he would... persevere. but. that fictional kid already has a family that loves him, an entire circle of friends that adore him. and also it’s so unlikely he’d be piss poor even at his low point because of japan’s superior economical status andnjsadsa oH GDO not even mob is poor and i will always live here in this hell hole

i hate myseklf i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i ehsdh myself

...I’m too soft... too weak... for this hyper competitive world.

I wish i could just... My dream is to work at a bakery. Everyday, prepare for the grind of the day, go to sleep late, get up really early, but at the same time. Just doing bakery stuff. for a living. for the rest of my life. just providing food, not going bankrupt because of bigger competitors. Just, making bread. living in a close community. spreading good vibes. Baking for the rest of my life.

At least then... I would have a stable life. Heck, even if it was lonely... it would be peaceful. 

I wish I could be at peace.

But apparently animators and vfx artists get exploited, and that’s not the exception it’s the rule. if you’re a digital artist then get ready to have your work devalued, cheapened. and you’re just going to have to take it because there’s no unions.

hell hole #2

I’m so depressed. I keep worrying about not being able to save money for my retirement. 

i don’t want to suffer for the rest of my life, oh god im so scared.

That’s it, i keep writing nonsense because im so scared, im panicking at the moment.

i’m scared, i’m scared, i’m scared. And i can’t calm down. I thought writing would make it better as it does always, but right now i’m just. Scaring myself more.

I’m going to stop now. I’m going to play videogames for a while. or something. I NEED TO DISTRACT MYSELF.

okay. okay.

what would you say to your future self?

Hey? I love you. You’re enough. I need you to know that. I love you. I’ll get us out of here. I love you. Be nicer to yourself, please. I love you.