#can we talk about his lisa frank belt

[rippleberries]

Indigo is a pretty boy.

(Happy Valentine's Day)

[samplepsychadelic]

trip report 9/30 [10mg weed 3g shrooms]

Last night's trip was on a whole pther level of my past trips. my first proper shroom trip :] I bought them from a smoke shop near kip's apartment. he's a VERY nice guy, let me pay card since I didn't have cash and has helped me navigate my interest in psychadelics since moving. I bought about 3g of both of his strains (jedi + wombat). he advised I tried wombat first and honestly I'm glad I did.

I brought my pack of capsules with me while kip and I most of the day running errands and dying his hair. we got to his house around 3pm and he offered to trip sit me.

I took 8 of the mushroom capsules (≈.27g each) around 3:30pm with no effect. I stayed in the living room laying on the couch setting my intentions while I waited. why did I exist? what is reality? what is death? after 2 hours I didn't know if they were going to work. I had 2 extra capsules left, which I eventually decided "well I might as well take them. 3 grams is a pretty nice amount anyways" and I honestly wasn't sure if it would make things turn south. I tend to be very resistant to mushrooms just by themselves. at around 5:30, we had gone back to my grandparents' house to pick up my sleep meds. I decided to throw in a bit of weed to kick things into gear (weed pairs wonderfully with mushrooms. it helps it get into my system). after coming back home we just kind of hung out in his room, he played on his computer while I laid on his bed. with the weed kicking in, so did the mushrooms.

the first signs were some mild (but still incredible) hallucinations; the ceiling started rotating and shifting with a spinning purple, green and orange mandala overlayed on top. during my trip I ended up getting really talkative and giddy. I just kept telling kip about how awesome or weird or funny everything was. obviously the first things I started telling him about what I was seeing. I kept asking "do I sound weird? do I make sense?" because I wasn't sure how to properly describe what I was experiencing. at some point I had gone outside to measure how strong my hallucinations were. at the moment they were pretty moderate and I was still mostly aware of myself and the concept of being. however by the time I had gone inside to lay on the couch, not even 5 minutes later, the hallucinations were so strong legitimately everything was moving and animating in such a bizzare way that I was captivated by it. the carpet on the floor was rolling, each diagonal stripe of the rainbow rug in front of the couch was moving on their own like conveyer belts, even the TV and its stand were alive and breathing, each movement leaving an outline of color behind.

I decided to close my eyes to see how advanced the closed eye visuals were. the answer was extremely complex. I mostly remember a kaleidoscope of purple and yellow triangles and rainbow spiral patterns. I also saw rainbow lisa frank-esque chinese dragons (I really liked them). I moved back to kip's bed and decided to continue my trip there so I could tell hom about it. by this point my ego was gone. I was no longer just a person, I was everything. I became part of the comforter on the bed, sort of melting into it. I watched my sister on his computer, his hair shifting and seeming like part of a painting. the screen would have red and blue outlines in front of it every time I blinked. it was like we were the only beings in the entire universe to exist, just to have fun together. describing the second phase of the trip feels almost impossible through words but I'll try to be as descriptive as I can. I had an overwhelming sense of love and happiness, so much so that my whole body felt tingly, like getting the world's best back massage. I started realizing that this reality is whatever I want it to be and that everything is perfect the way it is. I felt like I was receiving all the happiness and love I hadn't been given in my life at that exact moment- it felt like my chest was going to burst because of how happy I was. I messaged all my friends and told them I love them, I let kip know he was an amazing trip sitter, and I wished that everyone could experience this kind of love and peace within themselves. while I was having this moment it was almost impossible to tell the difference between having my eyes open and closed, not in a visual sense, everything just didn't seem real. even when I would talk to kip or laugh at his tts generations, it didn't feel like it was me, rather just a projection of my true self. I honestly was having such a good time that I was convinced that absolutely nothing could ruin this trip. hell, I could throw up at that exact moment and still be perfectly happy (for context- throwing up is my absolute worst fear. I have PTSD from it). around then I was very giggly and happy. kip said I was really pleasant. at one point I had gotten up to look at myself in the mirror. seeing my pupils the size of dimes made me laugh. kip told me not to look in the mirror anymore as I got myself comfortable under the covers. not even a few minutes later I had asked kip "wait, when did I get comfy?", he told me I literally just got into bed. I found it funny how my memory was all over the place. I hadn't even remembered what I had just done until after asking. I lay in bed thinking about myself and the world around me. this was it, this was everything I had wanted out of my trip- to find out that reality is made differently for each individual. everything was so wonderful. I remember thinking at one point "if I stay in this room like this for the rest of eternity I would be happy. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else".

the visuals slowly died down as I decided to watch some cartoons. there were no more trippy hallucinations, but my peripheral vision was much bigger than whatever I could focus on. I told kip that I needed to go to the bathroom (in all honesty- I just wanted to be sneaky about looking at my eyes again) and got up. walking around the house felt odd, like my consciousness was lagging behind me. I would get up, walk around, and only become aware of myself and what I was doing a minute later. I checked my eyes again and my pupils were back to normal. I went to the bathroom and picked at my face for a bit, once and awhile looking at myself and making observations about my face. I liked how I looked- I was kind of cute. my body was perfect, I didn't need to change a thing about myself. I finally loved myself.

I got bored picking at my face after awhile, not sure how long, and laid back down. most of the time towards the end of the trip was spent waiting for kip to come to bed. however I wasn't really sure if I was ready to end the experience. I knew that it wouldn't last forever, to my slight dissapointment, and wanted to keep feeling the happiness and affection forever. it did kind of feel like I had been tripping forever, not that I minded. but I did know that I should go to bed soon.

I decided to take my sleep meds awhile later, still kind of debating on if I wanted to bring everything to an end just yet. even after kip was in bed and the lights were out, I was still too excited and too restless to go to sleep. I'm not sure when I fell asleep, it must have been around 10 or 11pm. waking up the next morning was difficult, mushroom hangover is no joke.

saturday night's trip is going to stick with me for awhile. I feel like that was all I needed in this moment and I probably won't be tripping for a good while. I felt like a new person afterward and I felt like I had to share what had happened with everyone I could think of. putting it into words is extremely hard for me since a lot of the trip was feelings, sort of like a blissful unawareness. I honestly got exactly what I needed. I got it perfect the 1st time.

[vampiresuns]

A Little Closer To The Edge | Asra x Milenko

☽ A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE EDGE ☽

2.1k words. Written for Asra Week 2021, Day 7: Free Day. In which Asra asks Aisha to teach him how to hold a man like thirst holds water. This is set after the events of the game. Milenko is not the apprentice.

You can read the entire Asra and Milenko’s pre-game canon, ‘Like Thirst Holds Water’, here.

As a note, ‘Sasi’ is one of Milenko’s nicknames. It comes from his middle name, Sisay. ‘Sisay’ means good omen in Amhraic.

Thank you @lisa-frank-cave​ my beloved for helping me come up with asratfits. No cws apply. Happy Birthday, Asra 🎂💜

O father, O foreshadow, press into her — as the field shreds itself with cricket cries. Show me how ruin makes a home out of  hip bones. O mother, O minutehand, teach me how to hold a man the way thirst holds water. Let every river envy our mouths. Let every kiss hit the body like a season.

— Ocean Vuong, “A Little Closer To The Edge”

Asra had to excuse himself from his own birthday party, needing a moment alone after realising everyone who mattered to him was there, laughing and sharing beverages and stories of their own, talking about nothing of importance, but sharing a good time nonetheless. 

It was his first birthday after the Devil had been stopped and the end of the world averted, the first birthday he could spend with his parents after a long, long time. There was Selasi and Muriel, free and happy, finding his own footing again; there was Amparo who had kissed his cheek when she wished him a happy birthday, there was Nadia and Portia, old friends recovered and new friends made. There was Anatole, his beloved friend, who had danced with him, spinning him in circles, and now insisted on sharing his chair with Ilya, even though there were chairs to spare. 

And there was Milenko. Beautiful, joyful Milenko with his smile and the freckles on his cheeks, like the night-sky itself had blessed him with kisses. 

When Aisha found him, he immediately began crying, throwing his arms around his mother in search of comfort. All had passed, all was forgiven, and none of them had to be alone again. More importantly, he didn’t have to be alone again.

He thanked his mama for the hug, as Aisha kissed his head and reminded him of the blessing that he was, and the many blessings he deserved. 

“And you will have them, insha’Allah, Habibti,” Aisha said before they joined the dinner party again, asking Asra to lean his head down so she could kiss it again.

It was early dinner, they would later go to the theatre, Amparo had a performance and she was able to snatch good seats for Asra’s birthday, attributing it to her endless charm. When the time approached, some of them left with Amparo who had to be there earlier, while Nana, Ilya and Milenko stayed back to help clean around.

Asra didn’t know what it was, but Milenko looked radiant. His curls bounced when he laughed; a pair of crescent moon pendant earrings, gold pleated with blue topaz tears hanging from the bottom of the moon dangled from his ears. He was wearing black high waisted pants, a textured belt marking his waist. Right now, as he washed dishes with Julian and Salim as they chatted, he had pulled up the sleeves of his white, unbuttoned poet shirt. Milenko mentioned being interfaith, and his father began talking to him about it, Julian happily chiming in.

Asra noticed Milenko still washed the dishes with his hip popped to one side, and his backside sticking out.

When he came in, he had been wearing a navy blue jacket with clean lines and golden buttons that reached the beginning of his hips, too. Being 31 looked good on him, and either Asra had never stopped being in love with Milenko, or he was falling in love all over again. 

The poet changed his weight from one hip to another. Asra was going to go insane. 

“Oh, I think I know that look,” Aisha said, snapping Asra out of it. 

His cheeks went cherry red as he tried to divert the topic. Anatole, leaning against an archway with a mischievous turn in his lips, was about to say something but Asra stopped him before he could. His friend threw his hands up in surrender; Aisha, thankfully, didn’t say anything else but Asra knew his mother would bring it back sooner or later. 

Aisha laughed with Asra’s relieved face. Salim turned to her, and with him, Milenko did too, smiling at Asra once his chestnut eyes found his purple ones. Asra was doomed. 

He was right about Milenko being brought up later, but it was Salim the one who brought him up first.

“He speaks very highly of you,” he said, as he and Aisha wished Asra a good night. 

Asra’s choked up: “He does?!” didn’t go unnoticed. However, he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about Milenko. While Asra had found a new sense of comfort in openly confiding in his parents about most things that went through his mind or his heart, everything was too muddled for him to even know what to say. So he promised he’d tell them more about it when he knew what to tell them, and they let it go for the time being. 

To the chagrin of Asra’s sanity, the world wasn’t done throwing Milenko his way.

Running into Milenko once or twice a month wasn’t odd for Asra, but the more time passed, the more it seemed those chances grew. Asra was now running into him even twice per week, sometimes more. It was so much, he had discovered missing him on the weeks they didn’t run into each other, Asra turning at every possibility, perking up whenever he felt like he saw Milenko around.

On top of that, Aisha and Salim had taken kinship to Anatole’s parents —his father in particular. The three of them shared alchemy as a passion and profession. Anatole’s father, Vlad, still refused to become a palace magician, even if he liked Nadia much more than he ever liked Lucio. Still, he was always happy to stop around to see his son and meet up with his new friends, the three of them, along with Anatole’s mother, going out to dinner together rather often.

Asra knew all the Radošević-Cassano, so he needn’t be reminded Vlad was very close to his Radošević cousins: Violeta and Atanasie — Milenko’s mother and uncle. He choked on his drink when his parents told him they were just having dinner at Violeta’s and Aurora’s place. 

“Milenko asked if you would join us,” Aisha said, tapping her index on her lips. “He seemed a little crestfallen when we said you wouldn’t. Perhaps you should come with us next time.”

The Milenko conversation, or rather, confession, didn’t come out of Asra until some months later. One warm but breezy evening Asra and his parents were having dinner in The Sphinx Coffee-house. Milenko had come down through the backroom, for once not wearing a shirt that made him flash his tits out to half of Vesuvia. What he was wearing was simple, but he looked handsome and elegant: a black, high neck shirt, black pants, and a shawl with embroidered constellations over his shoulder. 

Amador, the Dos Santos sibling who was running the Sphinx that night, greeted him cheerfully, the Alnazars being close enough to hear, but not close enough for Milenko to see them yet.

“Hello, doll-face, how’d your date go?” 

Milenko’s underwhelmed reply made Asra feel like he could breathe again. Both of his parents noticed, just like they noticed the way both of them startled when Milenko noticed their presence. He ended up excusing himself, claiming he was being waited on in the Community Theatre. 

After that Asra couldn’t hold it in much longer. A day or two afterwards, he was basking in the sun with his mother when he sat up, and without any contextualisation he just said: “How do you do it, mama? How do you keep someone you love close, when you think you have lost them but maybe you haven’t?” 

Aisha looked at him, sensing her child was not done talking.

“You’ve been with Dad for so long, how do you do it: how do you make home out of ruins, how do you hold someone like thirst holds water?”

Aisha sat up, taking Asra’s hand in hers. “I didn’t know you were good with poetry, habibti.”

“I’m not,” he sighed.

“But your Milenko is, isn’t he?”

Asra’s smile was sad and lovelorn. “He is, mama, he really is.”

This time, Asra told Aisha everything, and when Salim came back from getting bread at Selasi’s, he patiently listened to Asra too. They both offered the advice that they could, but mostly let Asra say everything he was holding in, reminding him he didn’t have to keep these things to himself anymore, that he could confide in people. 

Once Asra was done talking he felt relieved. The best advice his parents could give him was that he tried. If he was honest about his feelings and communicated them like he had just done, he might realise that not everything was quite as it seemed. Perhaps he could start little by little, trying to spend time with him again. He had come so far, and he was such a wonderful person to know, that the worst thing he could do was not give himself the chance. 

They both said that it was clear Milenko cared about him too, more than Asra noticed. 

“You don’t have to take it from us,” Aisha said, squeezing his hand again. “What would your friends say? What would your Anatole tell you? Or Muriel?”

Asra laughed. “Muriel would either tell me to just do it or roll his eyes at me. Anatole would convince me to be more brave and hopeful than I ever thought it was possible being.”

Salim kissed Asra’s forehead. “Then try, you are very deserving of hope.”

His parents were invited to Aurora’s and Violeta’s in two more days, and they offered Asra to come with them: maybe Milenko would be there, and he would have a chance to at least talk to him, though Asra had insisted he did talk to Milenko, in general at least, so they shouldn’t worry too much. 

Salim hummed. “I didn’t know you had talked all that is capable of being talked to him already.”

“Dad.”

When the day came, Asra dressed as nicely as he could think of, without being obvious. He wanted to look and feel pretty, even if he was trying not to get his hopes up. It was hard not to, however. Hope was contagious. 

Milenko wasn’t around, even if Aurora and Violeta were thrilled to have Asra around for dinner again. They eagerly shared stories about Asra from the past. He tried not to feel disappointed Milenko wasn’t there, or mortified about the stories. He understood they shared them as mothers, subtly encouraging him to make his parents partake in the memories he had once made in their home. 

After dinner, Violeta insisted on showing Asra her garden for old time’s sake, taking his hand as she walked into it, guiding him through the paths of the small space, and the two micro greenhouses she kept there. One housed venomous plants only, her speciality; the other, orchids. 

Violeta turned to Asra. “How are your orchids, darling?” Asra had never told her he grew orchids, and while he wanted to suspect his parents might have told her, the way she spoke reminded him of Milenko. No, Violeta didn’t need to be told to know he did — Milenko got his clairvoyance from her after all.

“I’ve never asked,” Salim said, walking a little behind Asra and Violeta. Aisha was talking to Aurora about her latest restoration commission. “Did you teach Asra to grow orchids?” 

Violeta blinked at him. “I’m afraid not.” 

Asra rubbed the back of his neck, nervous. “If she had, I’m sure they’d grow better. I learnt from books, on my own.” 

“I can give you a couple of tips, my son is a patient man.” 

Aisha caught up with them, Asra wanted the earth to swallow him and spit him far away from there. “How romantic of you, and here I was thinking you were helpless.” 

Aurora snorted. “Don’t worry: he may have a poet’s tongue, but on the inside, Sasi is no better.” 

He didn’t see Milenko at all that night, not that Asra considered the evening unfruitful because he didn’t. He had come out of it with Violeta’s instructions for tending to orchids and he planned to apply them to the best of his capacity. 

* * * * *

Milenko was writing in the little office he had in the periodical he wrote for, though office might have been an over-glorified word for a table that was in the corner, overflowing with papers, next to a window filtering sunlight in. 

He heard his editor tell him he had a visitor, and Milenko, still half entranced by the sound of pouring water from the enchanted vases on his desk, just gave him a half-hearted hum, accompanied by an absent sounding plea to give him just a minute longer. 

Asra stood there for more than a minute, but he didn’t care. There was too much adrenaline in his veins for him to care. Nerves piled up on the mouth of his stomach but he stood his ground, watching as Milenkos curls moved softly as he wrote, his ink stained hands carefully avoiding the places the ink had not yet dried. He had seen him do this so many times, acting like an automaton as the water filtered everything that wasn’t the words and the visions outside of his sphere. 

Milenko finally looked up, mouth agape as Asra licked his lips and gave him a nervous smile, a blush expanding from his cheeks to his ears. 

“Hi,” was Mielnko’s bewildered reply as he looked at Asra, standing in front of his desk, a rainbow shawl with tiny bells on the hem over his shoulders, a raspberry shirt and deep purple palazzo pants, as he held a flower arrangement with no less than seven orchid stems, blooming into multiple flowers each. 

“I grew them myself,” Asra explained, not needing to tell Milenko who they were for.

“They’re— they’re my favourite flower.”

“I know. That’s why I grow them.”

[whereisten]

Hero, Yuta, & Me

Summary: Your pet sitting job lands you at the doorstep of the magnetic Yuta Nakamoto, owner of the cutest Shiba Inu on the planet, Hero.

Multi-part Series: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Part 3

Word Count: 3.2k words

Kaia, Joanna, and Taissa drove over to your house to pick you up and drive over to Jaehyun’s house. You went with a dark blue dress that hugged your curves nicely. Your heels could poke an eye out.

You arrived at Jaehyun’s Spanish villa style home. Jaehyun came from a wealthy family but because of his soccer career, his wealth multiplied tenfold. The house probably had sixteen bedrooms AND sixteen bathrooms. In order to enter to Jung estate, you and the girls had to give your names at the security gate. You raised your eyebrows at the opulence and exclusivity of it all.

Kaia parked her blue Corvette (which your dress oddly matched with) and the four of you walked through the impressive garden entrance. You knocked on the door and were greeted by a butler who reminded you very much of Alfred Pennyworth circa The Dark Knight era.

“Welcome to the Jung estate. Master Jung is expecting you. Please come in,” he said.

Of course, Jaehyun had a British butler.

“Locked Out of Heaven” by Bruno Mars was playing from some admittedly amazing speakers. You recognized a lot of your classmates. Doyoung and Johnny were in an intense round of pool. Youngjae was belting it out in the karaoke room. Senior dance captain Lisa was at the center of the dance floor. It was surreal seeing everyone again after so long.

You and the girls were served some of the most amazing frozen margaritas in existence. You clinked glasses and talked about everything and nothing for a while.

You noticed that the party playlist was a 2012 playlist, highlighting the year you graduated. “Thinkin’ About You” by Frank Ocean played as you found yourself worried about Jaehyun popping out at any second.

The beautiful song paused. Then, you heard someone clinking their glass.

At the top of the grand staircase was the ever extravagant and ever extra Jaehyun Jung.

“Hello everyone!” Jaehyun yelled to the partygoers. He was met with cheers and whoops.

He continued, “Thank you so much for coming out. I’ve missed each and every one of you since we graduated.” His eyes met yours then.

Taissa cleared her throat. “Yikes.”

“Enjoy the night! There’s plenty of booze and make all the noise you want!” Jaehyun proclaimed.

Everyone yelled then as the music changed to “I Love It” by Icona Pop. More people went to the dance floor, drinks in hand.

“You guys saw that, right?” You asked.

“Anyone who’s had two drinks or less did, Y/N,” Kaia answered.

“He’s coming this way, y’all!” Joanna whispered a little too loudly.

Jaehyun sauntered his way over to you. You felt a little smaller and you hated that.

“Hello ladies,” he said as he smiled his angelic smile.

You had to hand it to the boy. His smile was so benevolent.

The girls all muttered greetings while you said, “Hi.”

“Y/N, I’m really glad you came,” he said as he smiled.

You sighed. “Well, how could I turn down free drinks?”

He laughed. “I deserved that.”

“Among other things,” Joanna muttered.

Jaehyun acted like he hadn’t heard that. “Y/N, can I speak to you alone?”

You raised your eyebrows at that. “Sure.”

Jaehyun led you to the gorgeous gazebo in the backyard. Candles were lit all around it. Technicolor flowers and lights sprinkled all over the top. It was so beautiful you wanted to pull your camera out and take photos at every angle.

Jaehyun sat down at the bench and you sat down as well, keeping yourself three feet apart from him.

Jaehyun fiddled with his champagne flute when he started. “You look great, Y/N.”

You couldn’t help the blush. Curse your seventeen-year-old self that was rising to the surface.

You snapped out of it and met his default flirtatious gaze. “Let’s cut the crap. What did you need to say?”

At first, Jaehyun averted his gaze and stared down at his lap. But then out of respect for you, he gave you eye contact as he delivered, “I am so sorry.”

That was the first of many things you wanted him to say. He just needed to beat himself up a little more before you caved and forgave him.

“For what?” You prodded, teasing him and acting like you didn’t know what he was talking about.

Jaehyun continued, “For blowing you off at prom and being scum of the earth.”

“Oh! That,” you said as you rolled your eyes.

“I was a jerk. And you were right. I was a coward.”

“I like what I’m hearing, good sir,” you said as you downed the rest of your margarita.

“I owe you an explanation. Not that it’s an excuse but I need you to know what happened.”

Your ears perked up at that. You were interested. You thought it was because he didn’t deem you cool enough or some other bull. But deep down you always wondered if there was more to the story.

“I’m listening,” you said.

“Candice’s dad was my old soccer coach. Taught me everything I knew and helped me book deals and sponsorships. But he was manipulative and wanted more of a cut of my earnings than he was given. I got caught up with some drug dealings senior year and he threatened to out me if I didn’t increase his pay and take Candice to prom.” Jaehyun looked smaller then as he shrunk in shame.

“Drugs?” You were shocked.

“I was an idiot, Y/N. I got clean after graduation. Told my parents everything. They cut ties with Coach Lochlan because they had some dirt on him. I took the summer to go to rehab and kept training.”

“And Candice?” You added.

“Candice had no idea about the drugs or what her dad was up to. She was a family friend. She always thought we would end up together even if we fucked around. So when I asked her to go the night before prom, she thought it was because it was the real deal.”

“Oh,” you managed to say.

“And...I didn’t know how to tell you. I felt horrible. I knew if I called you, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. If I texted, I...just couldn’t do it.”

“So Facebook messenger?” You asked in disbelief.

“I know. It was stupid and selfish and everything else,” Jaehyun downed the rest of his champagne.

You both sat in silence for a minute. The partygoers came in and out of the house. The vibe of the party was euphoric and carefree. The bubble you and Jaehyun created was not.

“Y/N, you have to know I liked you a lot back then,” he said.

“I figured you didn’t find me repulsive when you asked me to prom,” you said. He really pulled out all the stops back then. He convinced the soccer team to help him perform a slightly tone-deaf version of “I Swear” by All-4-One. You remember crying from laughter that day.

“I am so sorry,” Jaehyun repeated.

“So how are you now?” You wondered aloud.

“What?” Jaehyun was confused.

“Are you clean? For real?” Even if you thought Jaehyun was an egomaniac and a coward, he was still a human being with feelings and a family and a future.

Jaehyun nodded fervently. “I’ve been clean since the summer after senior year. Soccer was my only focus after that.”

“Look, what you did to me was cruel and humiliating. But...now that you told me what happened...It’s still cruel and humiliating...What you went through was terrible and I hope you’re clean now. I don’t want you to get messed up with drugs. It’s not a life for anyone. So...I forgive you.”

Jaehyun’s smile came back full force. His prominent dimples were bigger than you’d ever seen them. “Really?”

You nodded. “It’s in the past now.”

Jaehyun said, “Y/N, thank you.”

You smiled. “I’m glad you told me the truth. It must not have been easy for you to say it.”

Which made you wonder.

“Wait a minute,” you said.

Jaehyun’s smile faded.

“Why are you telling me this? Won’t this get you in trouble?” Jaehyun’s drug use was never revealed to the public. You would’ve known. He was one of the biggest celebrities in the world so whether you liked it or not, his life was out there for you to always get updated on. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, you name it.

“I was betting on you keeping it a secret.”

Well, that was a bombshell. “And what if I’m not the decent girl you remember?”

Jaehyun lifted an eyebrow at that. “You haven’t changed that much, Y/N.”

You asked, “What makes you say that?”

“I’ve kept up with you on Instagram and Twitter,” he blurted and turned away from you.

You coughed. “I’m sorry?”

“I’ve kept up with you on-“ He said as he avoided your stare.

“How? I would’ve blocked your ass,” you said.

“messi_214 was me. On Twitter.”

Curse you for accepting any and all follows on Twitter.

This meant he had seen everything. Your One Direction phase. Your very brief 5 Seconds of Summer phase. Your descent down the anime hole. Your rants about your family and your life. Your desperate longing to go to Barcelona and meet Messi. Your crude humor with your friends.

“Oh, no,” you said as you made yourself smaller. Trying to hide.

“You are hilarious,” Jaehyun said as he laughed at your reaction.

“Oh, God, why?!” You asked yourself, Jaehyun, and the big man upstairs.

“As for Instagram, Doyoung let me scroll through your feed whenever we met up.”

“Jaehyun, that’s a little creepy.”

“I would’ve messaged directly if you didn’t hate my guts so that was the next best thing.” He shrugged.

“You lurker,” you said as you shook your head. “Tell me you didn’t see everything.”

“Believe it or not, I have a life. I’ve been pretty busy...Mrs. Irwin.” So he did see everything, including your crush on drummer Ashton Irwin.

You smacked his arm. “Son of a!”

He laughed. “Y/N, the most vile thing you’d do is trash talk Real Madrid on Twitter. So...I trust you with my secret. But...I’m letting you decide. Say something or don’t, I’ll respect it and face the consequences.”

You weren’t going to expose Jaehyun. When he told you, you knew you would take his secret to the grave.

“I won’t say anything, doofus,” you said.

He perked up at “doofus”. “Y/N, thank you.”

“I do have one favor to ask you.”

“Anything,” he said eagerly, ready to buy you a car, a dozen handbags, and a plane trip to Fiji, if you asked.

You blew out a deep breath. “Don’t lurk anymore. Just follow me on Twitter and Instagram. As yourself. Not as messi_214 or as Doyoung. I won’t block you.”

“You promise?” His eyes were hopeful.

“I promise,” you replied.

10

Yuta was on his way to pick you up from the party. He was taking you to a late drive-in movie. Hero was coming along so you were even more ecstatic. You packed a change of clothes in Kaia’s car.

You and Jaehyun parted ways after your conversation. He surprised you by asking for your number but you didn’t think too much of it. He probably just wanted to commemorate your renewed friendship. It wasn’t like he was going to call tomorrow and ask to go play air hockey at the local arcade. So you gave your number to him. You thought he was just being nice. The next time you saw him would probably be at your high school’s ten year reunion.

Kaia walked you back to her car to unlock it for you. “So how did it go with Jaehyun? I’m dying here.”

You laughed. “He explained why he blew me off and...I saw things differently. His actions aren’t excusable. But...I forgave him.” You didn’t tell Kaia about the drug use but you told her everything else.

Kaia nodded. “I see. So this means he’s probably going to ask you out soon.”

You frowned. “What?”

“Y/N, he’s been keeping tabs on you for basically a decade. I hardly think it’s because he cares about your Stranger Things updates or your song recommendations,” Kaia grabbed some chapstick from her glove compartment as you grabbed your bag.

You shook your head. Jaehyun had moved on. He probably only liked you in the most innocent way in high school, too. He probably wouldn’t have asked you out again after that. Everyone had grown up and become different people. High school was long gone. He just wanted to make amends. And you did. “Kaia, no.”

Kaia sighed. “Y/N, he likes you.”

“Kaia, he does not.”

“I saw the way he looked at you.”

You were even more confused. “When?”

“When you two were talking outside. It was obvious. When you looked away from him, I saw it in his face. He looked like it physically ached him not to touch you.”

You laughed. “Kaia, you got all that from a look?”

Kaia rolled her eyes. “If stalking you on social media isn’t proof alone, you’re hopeless.”

You leaned onto her car and looked up at the night sky. They started fireworks in the backyard. “Even If he did, it wouldn’t mean anything.”

Because Yuta captivated you. And that was that.

Kaia got back to the party as you waited in front of the security gate for Yuta. A few minutes passed and he pulled up in his Challenger. You heard barking.

Yuta pulled down the passenger side window and gave a low whistle as he looked at you in your dress. “Have mercy.”

You laughed. “Hi, baby.”

Hero jumped from the backseat to the front to lick your chin from the window. “Hi, beebs! I missed you!”

“Hey! I’m waiting for my kiss,” Yuta whined.

You opened the passenger side door and were careful not to let Hero jump out. Hero moved to the backseat. You fastened your seatbelt and looked back at Yuta, who looked like an impatient kid.

“You have to put on your seatbelt to kiss me?” He asked.

It was funny. Regardless of a car moving or not, you automatically put on your seatbelt. You blushed, about to unfasten your seatbelt when he moved over and planted his lips on your mouth. He embraced you and you felt the warmth of his skin on your bare arms.

Your heartbeat was all over the place. You loved it when he took you by surprise. Yuta was a mischievous man who liked to mess with you and reward you all at once.

He tucked your side bangs behind your ear and just smiled at you in adoration. You looked stunning and he didn’t want to share you with anyone else.

“Let’s go,” he said.

10

“So I wasn’t the first soccer player to turn your brain into mush?” Yuta was annoyed.

You told him what you told Kaia about Jaehyun because you didn’t want to keep things from him and have it blow up in your face later.

“I’m afraid not, stud,” you said. You gave Yuta all kinds of cute nicknames.

“Pisses me off,” Yuta rolled his eyes as he muttered in Japanese. Hero was sleeping in the backseat. You were at the Galaxy Drive-In Theaters. The trailers were playing before Toy Story 4 would come on.

“Are you jealous?” You loved it.

“Damn straight. You know he’s into you, don’t you? I’ll kill him.” He aggressively grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it in his mouth.

“Yuta,” you laughed. “He is not.”

“Don’t deny it, Y/N. That pisses me off even more.”

Honestly? It wasn’t that much of a stretch. But so what? Jaehyun had a life of his own away from Miami. God knows how many women he was sleeping with. He wouldn’t pursue you. Did he think you were hot? Probably. But that wasn’t enough incentive for him to go out of his way and ask you out. You would become an afterthought to him.

Maybe he just wanted to ease up on some of the guilt he carried. His drug use was enough for him to look back on. Earning your forgiveness must have helped him feel a little better.

“Fine,” you said. “Maybe he does like me but who cares? I like someone else.”

Yuta eased up a little, ready to hear you sing his praises.

“Taeyong is number one in my heart,” you said. Taeyong Lee had been your celebrity crush since his debut single “Let’s Get It (feat. A$AP Rocky)” came out in 2018.

“I hate you,” Yuta pouted as you snatched the popcorn.

“I know,” you said. You absolutely relished in messing with him.

Toy Story 4 was way better than you anticipated it to be and you found yourself tearing up at the slightly unexpected ending. You had a feeling it would end the way it did but you still cried. Yuta had his arm around you and you leaned in closer to him, enjoying the scent of him.

“You big baby,” Yuta said as he sniffled. It seemed he also had a soul.

“Hypocrite,” you muttered.

He laughed as he kissed the crown of your head. “Let’s go home.”

“Okay,” you managed to say without your voice cracking. Your first night with Yuta.

You got back to his house in record time. Hero fell back asleep in the living room, which left you and Yuta in his kitchen.

Yuta could tell you were nervous. “I can make tea. Or do you want something else to drink?”

He was so kind and considerate it killed you. “Tea’s good. I’m actually hungry. Mind if I steal a scone?” Yuta made the best blueberry scones and oddly enough, they were your favorite pastry.

He smiled. Your love of food made you all the more adorable to him. He loved feeding you. “Not at all, sweets.”

Oh yeah, he also had all sorts of cute nicknames for you, too. You two were so nauseatingly sweet that anyone who came into your vicinity needed a filling.

Once you two ate some scones and drank his favorite green tea, you walked into his bedroom.

He picked you up and sat you on his bed. His eyes were the most intense you’d ever seen them. He had his hands on your shoulders and leaned down to kiss you. You fell back on the bed and he got on top of you.

He kissed your neck and moved his way down the valley between your breasts. He looked back up at you, waiting for an answer. You nodded.

The thing about Yuta is that even though he liked to tease you and lived to make you turn red, he wanted you to feel safe and protected. He made you feel like the most precious thing in the world. Like you were above Aphrodite. So when he made love to you that night for the first time, you knew that no one could ever make you feel this good.

10

Back at Jaehyun’s party, your friends were dancing and having the time of their lives. Jaehyun surprised everyone when he halted the music once again. He stood at the top of the staircase again.

“I’ve been dying to tell you guys this all night. I was just waiting for the final confirmation from my manager. I am moving back to Miami because I am joining the Inter Miami CF team!!!!!” Jaehyun yelled at the top of his lungs.

Joanna and Taissa looked at each other and said. “Shit.”

Jaehyun looked out into the crowd and looked for you. He was so busy mingling with everyone but hoped to run into you later on so he could ask you to come see him play. But you were nowhere to be seen.

Part 4 (Coming Soon)

A/N: Thank you so much for the love for this fluff. I really appreciate it! So yes, you are correct...Someone is gonna die next chapter or get a black eye. I don’t know. But it should be fun!

[qqueenofhades]

Hello! It’s my birthday today and i was wondering if you could write something super fucking angsty - like don’t hold back on the pain here - for kastle? Thank you! 🥰

Happy birthday, dear. I feel obligated to point out that most people would ask for fluff on their birthday, rather than to get their heart ripped out, but I support you living your life. Obviously, therefore, this is painful. And also not my fault. /points at anon, exits casually stage left.

The silence in the kitchen in the wake of the shouting is overwhelming, seems to build and grow and tower on itself, until Frank almost wants to smash a coffee cup, something, God he doesn’t know what, and doesn’t think it’s a smart idea anyway. He knows that Karen has a right to be mad, furious even, and he was definitely setting this trap for his own dumb ass, not telling her about the job. But it just – it just made more sense. He wasn’t trying to lie to her. Just, as ever, to keep her safe. But he’s realizing now that he didn’t, that worse, he made her wonder if she’s done something seriously wrong in wondering if he can, in fact, leave the war behind. Or if no matter what, he has to be out there in that fuckin’ vest, spraying bullets from both hands. If without it, there’s no him.

(No them.)

“So,” Karen says at last, toneless, the voice of a prosecutor reading the charge sheet. “You’ve been just – what. Doing this for months? Out killing some secret crime cartel at odd hours? All that bullshit about turning over a new leaf was just what – to put me off the scent?”

“It wasn’t bullshit, Karen, okay?” Frank looks up agitatedly. Yes, he should have told her, but he is at pains to stress that part. “You don’t understand, these people, they had stuff I’d never seen before. If I’d dragged you into that, if I’d – ”

“Of course I didn’t understand.” Her face is white, except for the red spots of colour burning hectically in her cheeks. “You didn’t tell me. How many times have we had this goddamn argument, Frank? You know I don’t, I’ve never cared about who you are, what you do. But if you don’t tell me, if I find out like this, from a fucking phone call while you’re out, and you’re still just going to be a lone wolf and trust it never catches up to you – I thought you of all men would know better. I really did. I don’t know why.”

“Jesus, Karen.” Frank gets up and moves toward her, but she takes a sharp step back, warning him not to touch her. “Shit, all right, I fucked up, all right? I fucked up. I should have told you. I just…” He stops. “I couldn’t.”

She gives him a searing blue look, angry and agonized. At last she whispers, the question for which he still has no good answer, “Why?”

Frank opens his mouth, then shuts it. They stand there looking at each other, as if she might want to crack, to forgive him, to tell him to come to bed with her, but isn’t going to let this slide one more time, not like this, not again. Instead, she says, “Well, then. Maybe you should go work on that question, huh? Go think about it. Go talk to Curtis. Work through what you’re actually fighting for. I’m not going to constantly be the one that keeps telling you. You’re going to have to believe it, and if you don’t – ”

She stops, though not quite soon enough to curtail the implication, and Frank feels like he’s the one who’s been shot. “You throwin’ me out of the house?”

“Maybe I am,” Karen says evenly. She folds her arms and lifts her chin. He knows from several previous fights that he could sooner shift the Rock of goddamn Gibraltar than her, not when she gets in this mood. “At least for tonight. I don’t – I don’t want to look at you right now.”

Frank takes that in silently. He knows the onus is on him to shut his trap and take his medicine, has to prove that he’s penitent – and more than that, that he’s actually learned his lesson, that this scene won’t repeat in another few months, or few years, or however long the ghost of the Punisher stalks him. “All right,” he says hoarsely. “I’ll go pack a bag, get out of your hair for a night or two. Promise, Karen. Just – just let me see Amy and Kevin real quick, huh? Before I go.”

“Maybe not.” Karen doesn’t budge, her lips still white. “You couldn’t be bothered to talk to them before.”

“Like I’m telling my teenage daughter and my three-year-old son that I’m gonna go off and – “

“Lisa and Frankie knew that Daddy was a soldier.” Karen practically spits it at him, and Frank recoils as if slapped. It’s obviously below the belt, but he can’t exactly protest right now. “Why don’t they?”

“They know, Jesus – Amy probably shot more grown men in the ass than I did, so it’s not like she’s some fainting little damsel – ”

If this is a poor attempt at humor to break the mood, it doesn’t go down well at all, and Karen looks like she might physically strangle him. She turns and paces a few deliberate steps off, running her hands through her loosened hair. Then she says, “Just go, Frank. Just go. That’s what you’re best at, isn’t it?”

“Karen – Jesus Christ, Karen, Don’t make me go without seeing my kids. Come on. You’re not gonna do that. Two seconds, I swear, I – ”

Karen turns on him. Even Frank Castle takes half a step backward at the look in her eyes. “Just. Go.”

(He knows that this, then, is his punishment. That he is being given exactly what he’s acted goddamn fuckin’ well like he actually wants, and if he doesn’t, well, this is the moment of truth.)

“Okay,” Frank says, barely a whisper. Raises his hands, as if to prove that he is unarmed, but there is no softness, no forgiveness, on her face. He can’t trust that there will be again, arrogantly take it for granted, that of all the times she’s chosen to keep loving him before, that she will do it again now. “Okay, okay.”

Karen doesn’t look up. Her hair falls over her face. She crosses her arms tightly, makes a small gulping sound, but she doesn’t crack. She doesn’t move. She will not back down. She waits.

Quietly, without another word, Frank goes.

[edourado]

Complete

Here lies another beggining of the  year indulgent thing. 

I have written fix-it fics and AU’s before, but none, I think, as sticky-sweet as this one. But it is also a lil smutty. So be warned. 

The first fic of 2019 had to be bright, given what Netflix and Disney are hell bent on doing to us all. 

Here it is. I hope you like it. Please let me know. The writer needs affection/validation. 

Much love. Happy 2019 to all of us. 

(Also #SaveDaredevil while we’re at it)

Frank caused a commotion the first time he visited her at her office.

She had not been expecting him at all. He was supposed to be in Florida with his kids, a Disney World event for Lisa’s 9th birthday. His flight was not scheduled to arrive until eight that night.

But then there he was, at 11 in the morning.

“Hey”, he called from her door, that voice full of gravel that still made her skin shiver, almost a year into their relationship.

“Oh”, she let out, looking up from her computer, surprised to see him. “Hi!”

Frank has this thing about him, that no matter what he put on, he looked good. It can be a bit infuriating, actually, especially on those days that she couldn’t decide what to wear or what to do with her hair. Frank just threw on a hoodie and some jeans and those boots he would wear to bed if he could, and he was ready.

Walking into her office, he made his way to her and she realized her strategy of not thinking about him during the week he spent away had worked. She had focused on everything but Frank Castle and everything she had to do so as not to think about him and, consequently, miss him too much, but now that he was here, placing the white roses that he always presented her with behind her pencil case, she felt the tightness in her chest that told that she had missed missed missed him but now was so glad that he was here.

Oh, she just knew this office was about to implode because of him.

He bent over her desk to place a kiss on her lips, and she angled her face up, but as soon as he backed away, she got up to close the door and shut the blinds, ignoring the protests of her nosy coworkers.

“I thought you were supposed to fly back tonight.”

“Yeah”, he started while she shook her head at Arlene through the window, who was making faces and mouthing “oh my God??” at her. “Leave it to those kids to not follow the plan.”

Turning to him, Karen smiled and moved to better greet him after a week of texts and quick calls to say good night.

“What happened?” She asked after a proper kiss and a tight hug, pulling him towards the couch, moving to sit sideways on his lap.

“We got a dog.”

She was on her way to kiss him again, but stopped and moved back to look at his face.

“You got a- the dog you were planning on getting Frankie?”

“Nope, not that one. Well, now, I guess, yeah.”

He had been planning on getting a dog for his son for his birthday, two months from now, in order to maybe teach some responsibility to the young boy that, unlike his sister, that took to their father and developed her organization skills from an early age, was truly content on being the spoiled youngest sibling, leaving a messy trail wherever he went.

“I took them to dinner last night”, he started to explain, one arm behind her, hand on her hip, the other caressing her thigh over her jeans.

Karen has never been happier to have a private office.

“We went to this sea food place-”

“You got a dog at a seafood place?”

“Almost. We get there and I’m looking for a parking spot when these two little maniacs yell ‘SHELTER!’ and hop off the car.”

Karen smiled, knowing exactly what he meant. They had picked this up a while ago, under the impression that, as long as the car was moving very slowly and they loudly announced why they were exiting the vehicle and where they were going, it was ok to simply unbuckle and leave.

“So I park the damn car, and when I get there they go ‘daddy daddy please!’, thrusting this puppy on my face.”

“What breed?”

Here, he sighed.

“A pitbull.”

“Oh, these kids are good.”

Frank loves pitbulls. Everyone that knows him knows this. He had forfeited the privilege of having one when he married Maria, who is very allergic to dogs, leaving the one he already had to live with his parents. Old Max had died soon after Frankie was born, and Frank has been puppy orphaned since then.

“Yeah”, he says, softly, as he always does when talking about his children, picking on a seam of her jeans. “I made it a little difficult, though, made them promise all kinds of things about taking care of it, going for walks and shit, but Lisa hit me with the birthday bribe thing, and Frankie said he never wanted anything more in his entire life, even if he had met the dog three minutes ago.”

With hands on his face, Karen bent to take her kiss, and the familiar warmth of him made her want to go home.

“So now you have a dog.”

“Now I have a dog. Its technically the kids’ dog, but he’s gonna live with me full time, so yeah.”

Weaving her arms around his neck, she pulled him for a hug, aware that someone was going to knock, any second now.

“I’m happy for you”, she said, feeling his arms tighten around her. “And I’m also glad you’re home a whole nine hours earlier.”

She had been right. Right when he was weaving his fingers inside her hair, opening his mouth to her kiss, someone knocked on the door, and she got up from his lap.

“Yeah, come in.”

Simone and Andre, of course. Everybody had been asking about Frank, wanting to meet him, but these two have been the worst.

“Hi-i, excuse us”, Simone sing-sang, walking in as Frank slowly got up from the couch. “We just wanted to know if you’re gonna join us for lunch. Hi, I’m Simone.”

Frank moved to shake her hand, and Andre stood there sizing him up.

“Frank Castle.”

“Ah, the famous Frank. I wish I could say we’ve heard all about you, but this one has built a mystery”, Andre said, taking his turn in shaking his hand. “She doesn’t say anything, no matter how much we beg.”

Karen would have sent them away, but it was a little fun to watch Frank squirm under her coworkers’ scrutiny.

He smiled his polite smile, and touched a hand on the small of her back.

“I’m afraid I came to steal her away for lunch.”

They tried to convince him they could all have lunch together, but he explained that he had just touched down in New York, his suitcase was still in the car, he had his kids waiting for them back home.

After a lot of probing, a lot of insistence, Alex and Sam joining them in the office, she managed to shoo everybody away and, finally, pull him by the hand to the elevators.

“I feel like The Bachelor or something”, he whispered to her while they waited, mouth to her ear, and she put one arm around his torso.

“They’re a bunch of reporters, and I have been retaining information about you for almost a year. You’re lucky they’re not dissecting you over my desk.”

The door pinged and opened, and they stepped into the empty elevator. Frank kissed her discreetly, a sweet hand on her face while they descended to the lobby for his car.

“Sorry for showing up unannounced”, he said against her cheek. “I thought I’d surprise you.”

“It’s ok. I’ll have to hold a press conference in the break room when I come back, but it’s worth it.”

He smiled against her face, placing a lingering kiss on her temple just as the doors opened to the lobby.

She asked about the trip on the way to his apartment, a hand on his hair while he drove, and he told her about long lines and kiddie rides, but how it was worth it, just to see the kids so happy. How they had to smuggle the puppy to the hotel, and Lisa forfeited a day in Sea World so they could go back home early and how they almost cried along when the puppy whined in the plane, the loud noises hurting his little ears.

When he parked in his usual spot, Karen tugged on his sleeve before he even started gathering his stuff to get out of the car.

Unbuckling, she leaned to kiss him and, after quickly bunching up her skirt to her hips, moved out of her seat and maneuvered herself on top of him, laughing out an “ouch!” when she banged her head on the car ceiling in the process.

He was smiling when she moved to kiss him, hands eager on her, going from her face to her hair, down her neck, over to her back and down her hips until he was gripping her ass firmly, kissing her slow and deep, making her sigh against his lips.

“I missed you”, she whispered when he dove to kiss and nibble on her neck, arms around his shoulders, feeling warm and tingly from his kisses.

“Fuck”, he sighed against her skin, looking up again to catch another kiss. “I missed you more.”

Frank had his hands full of her and everything was already spinning when she took her hands from his face, lowering them down his chest.

“The kids are gonna sleep over?”

“Yeah”, he said against her neck while she pushed his shirt out of her way.

“Well then”, she said, closing her eyes when he pressed a chunk of her skin between his teeth, a reaction to her fingers unbuckling his belt. “We’ll have to make do.”

It’s not that they never had sex with the kids in the house. He shared custody with Maria, 50/50, and they’ve been going out 10 months, now, of course they had to make sure the door was locked and try to be as quiet as possible.

But he was just coming back from a week away, if they went upstairs right away, she would have to wait until bedtime to get her fill of him.

So the car it was.

“Hold on, hold on”, he breathed, one arm around her, leaning off the seat to start the car again, setting the air conditioner on high.

Frank came back to her with renewed gusto, and she kinda liked the rough fabric of his jeans scratching her bare thighs.

It had to be quick. No time or space to draw out anything. Plus, his windows were tinted and the garage was underground, but this was still a public space.

She groaned into his mouth when he slipped inside her, bracing a hand on the ceiling right above her head, rolling her hips on his, the vents of his (very impractical) Mustang blasting cold air on her back.

He had ripped the buttons out of one of her shirts, once, on a drunk encounter where he knocked on her door after drinking with his buddies, and as exciting as it had been at the time, she had warned him not to do it again, she couldn’t exactly afford this habit of his. So now he was always careful, going button by button every time.

This time, he stopped just after three, when her bra was exposed enough, and pushed the lacy fabric aside to attach his mouth over her breasts, hugging her to him, making her moan at what the movement did, he was just so good at this.

Oh, his hands. Frank knew just how to handle her, his fingers applying just the right amount of pressure. A little bit over comfortable, not enough to hurt, just enough to make her shiver, guiding her over him, pressing and kneading, and they have to hurry, the kids are waiting upstairs, one of his neighbors could walk in any minute, there might be a security camera or two registering as his car bounced.

“Now, Kare’, come on”, he growled in her ear after just a few minutes, dipping his hand between them and bucking his hips up towards her, and she pressed her lips together to keep the scream in, moaning loud against his face, the air conditioner too loud to let anyone outside the car hear her.

Frank let go just after her, face pressed against her neck, and she hugged him to her, moving her hips to and fro slowly as they both came down, sweating a little bit in spite of the cold air coming out of the vents.

“One fucking week”, he said, all mellow, head resting against the seat, a hand on her face, and she kissed him slowly. “Away from you. I never wanna do that again.”

They took a few more minutes to put themselves together and look around before exiting the car.

Upstairs, opening the door, they found the Castle kids on the living room floor, playing with their new puppy.

“Hi, you guys!” She greeted, and both Lisa and Frank got up from the floor, excitedly talking over each other, showing her the dog, trying to tell her all about the trip to Florida in less than a minute.

“Ok, ok, hey, calm down”, Frank said, closing the door behind them. “Take a breath.”

The plan had been for them to go out, and they would drop her off at work after they ate, but she ended up sitting on the floor with the children, playing with the new family member, trying to come up with a name for him, so Frank ordered in.

“He looked straight at us when we came in”,  Lisa was telling her, sitting by her side playing with the puppy while Frankie sat, technically, on the floor, but with his back against her chest, her legs crossed around his small frame while he played on her phone. “The lady told us he was born less than a week ago. We were the very first to come in and see them.”

“He has three sisters”, Frankie piped in, not looking up from the phone. “I wanted to bring them all home.”

“Yeah, in your dreams, buddy”, Frank said from the couch.

“But daddy, you love dogs”, he argued, calm as cucumber. “You would love all of them.”

“I think it’s good that you only got him”, Karen said, pushing the boy’s hair away from his forehead. “One dog is already such a big responsibility, can you imagine four?”

“I agree”, went Lisa, rubbing the puppy’s belly. ��We would be totally overwhelmed.”

Nine years old and such big words.

“Right. Totally overbelted”, echoed her brother, sort of.

“By the way”, Frank said from his spot on the couch. “What’s this guy’s name?”

They thought about names for a few minutes, laughing while she and Frank suggested names like Tiberius or Leandrenous.

“Frank Jr Jr!” Suggested an excited boy.

“That’s too many Franks in one house”, argued his sister, shaking her head solemnly.

The food arrived and they jumped to set the table, babbling away about Disney World and how they couldn’t wait to be old enough for the “big rides” while Frank opened the door and payed the delivery guy.

They sat down at the table to eat and, while Frank served rice to Lisa, Karen spotted a stain on his neck, right below his left ear.

Lipstick. Hers, from the car.

Dropping her fork, she reached out to clean it, or, at the very least, smudge it away before the kids saw it. He looked at her, a question in his eyes, and she moved her hand to show him the soft pink tinge in her fingers.

She had to breathe deep not to laugh at the smug expression on his face.

“No chicken for me, daddy”, Lisa said. “I’m a vegetarian.”

He fixed her with a look.

“Since when?”

“Since today. I just saw on TV how they make burgers and chicken nuggets, so I’m not gonna eat meat anymore.”

“You could have mentioned that before I ordered chicken and steak, maybe?”

“Sorry. I’ll have rice and fries. And I guess I can have some cauliflower.”

They ate and the puppy whined, begging for food while Frankie listed all the disadvantages of being a vegetarian and Lisa listed the benefits.

“They eat dogs in China. Did you know that?”

“No they don’t!”

“They do, too! And in India, cows are sacred. So us having burgers is just as weird for them. You wouldn’t eat a dog, would you? So why should I eat a cow?”

There was a moment of quiet, while Frankie thought about it and Lisa tried not to make a face at the steamed vegetables she was munching on.

“What else do they eat in China?”

.:.

After teaming up to load the dishwasher, they all got into their shoes again, to go out and drive Karen back to work. They needed to also stop at a pet store, to buy the newest member of the family some proper food.

“You’re sleeping over, right?” Lisa asked from the back seat when Frank pulled over in front of the Bulletin, the dog on her lap.

“Yep”, she confirmed, twisted around to look at the girl.

“Good. We still need to tell you about the rest of the trip.”

“And I need to show you my new comic books”, Frankie - now also a vegetarian - added.

“I want to hear and see it all”, she smiled at them. “Bye, you guys.”

Moving back, she looked at Frank, who leaned in to collect a kiss.

“We can come pick you up.”

“No need. I have a Skype interview, don’t know how long it’ll take. I’ll get a cab, or something.”

“Ok.  But call me if you want me. I’ll come running.”

She took the kiss, and whispered just for him.

“I always want you.”

.:.

As she expected, the office was holding its collective breath waiting for her return. She had barely walked out of the elevator when Simone got up and started to follow her.

“You sneaky bitch”, she said, pinching her arm and Karen smiled. “You were hiding that all along?”

“I wasn’t hiding anything. Or anyone.”

“Karen”, said Sam, catching up to them. “That is your boyfriend? Jesus Christ, he’s so yummy.”

She didn’t say anything to that because, well, yes, he is.

She didn’t mean to keep Frank a secret. He wasn’t, really. But things had started very uncertain, with them.

He was married, when they first met. Just starting on his divorce process, and he was not in a very good place then. Neither was she, really, what with the break up with Matt and Wilson Fisk waging war on her over the exposè she wrote on him, Nelson & Murdock handling the case, it was a mess.

But then they met again, and she wrote a story on him, they teamed up to bring some corrupt CIA officials down, he became a source, she became his one woman database, he saved her life, and suddenly-

Suddenly they were in love. Crazy, stupid, inexplicable love, theirs was a completely new thing, for her.

Karen had boyfriends before, she had been in love before, but what she felt for Frank and what he felt for her was beyond her own comprehension. She’s a respected journalist, and she doesn’t have the words to describe it.

She’s his and he’s hers. That’s it.

But she never had envisioned herself falling so hard for a man as complicated as Frank Castle. A man whose divorce papers were still warm from the printer, the ink from the judge’s signature still fresh. A man whose job she couldn’t even understand right, so covert everything was. A man with two children (and a pretty spectacular ex wife, if she’s being honest. It was pretty much impossible not to fall in love with Maria Castle) and more redacted record files than she thought was healthy.

Still. There she was, ten months after the first time he kissed her, unable to imagine her life without him, anymore.

But if she was anything, it was a pessimist. Her own life and history too punctuated with heartbreak for her to be anything other than that.

So she kept him a mystery. Not telling her coworkers she was dating, at first, and then evading questions about him when it became obvious that she was indeed seeing someone.

Plus, it felt good, to keep him all to herself.

During that time, she had also developed the purest form of love for little Lisa and Frank Jr.. She met them after a few months of dating, and the kids took to her with ease, embracing Daddy’s new girlfriend with a warmth that, honestly, choked her up a little bit.

She loved Lisa and her curious mind, sharp wit and enormous heart.

She loved Frankie and his tenacity, his sweetness and his bravery.

And, Lord above, she loved Frank. All of him, even the parts that made her want to yank her hair out in frustration, sometimes.

They were, both of them, more than a little bit broken when they first met. The way they put each other back together made them stronger everyday.

“Come on”, Alex was saying as she put her hair up for her interview. “Dish.”

“There’s nothing to dish”, she lied. “Now shoo. I have a call with Tony Stark, if you don’t mind.”

They only left after she promised happy hour next Monday, so they could question her about her relationship over tequilas and margaritas.

And, while she waited for the call to connect, she conceded: that didn’t sound so bad.

.:.

Dinner was somewhat tricky.

Lisa was standing her ground with this whole vegetarian thing, and the last thing Frank wanted was to curb any of her impulses - especially when they were rooted in something valid -, even if they didn’t last long, so he had no choice but to adapt.

When she got there, they were, Frank and Lisa, in the kitchen, trying to make a cheese and broccoli soup.

“Tomorrow”, Frank started while he supervised the kids brushing their teeth after dinner, already dressed for bed. “We’re gonna go to the vet, get that little guy all the vaccines he needs to be healthy.”

“Can we go to the park after?” Frankie asked, standing on a little stool step to make him reach the sink, foam spilling out of his mouth.

“Depends on what the vet says.”

“We should get him a trainer”, Lisa said after rinsing, drying her face. “Like the one Kim Kardashian got. You know, to house train him.”

“I doubt I can afford Kim Kardashian’s dog whisperer.”

They said goodnight while Karen rubbed moisturizer on her face and Frank walked to tuck each of them into their own beds, maybe read with them a little bit. The dog - who still didn’t have a name - was going to sleep in Frankie’s room tonight (he had won the coin toss).

She was already in bed, browsing her phone when he walked in, turning the lights off and closing the door behind him, carefully turning the key.

Karen locked the screen and reached to put the phone on the nightstand, smiling when Frank reached the mattress and got a hold of both her ankles, yanking her to him, she giggled and bit on her lower lip, watching as he quickly shed his shirt and threw it behind him.

He bent to place kisses and nibbles on her belly, moving her own shirt out of his way, until he was pushing it over her head and lying down on top of her, his kisses slower than the ones they shared earlier in the car, but not any less intense.

Karen likes the weight of him on top of her. Likes to raise her legs and wrap them around his torso, feel the muscles of his back with her hands, tug on the longer strands of his hair. And she loves everything he does to her, he never disappoints.

But she felt him a little different this time. While his right hand holding her hips up for him was nothing new, the left one on her jaw, angling her face up so he can kiss and lick and nibble on her neck, lower, a tiny bit more intense than usual, was.

(Not unpleasant, by any means, but new.)

“Fuckin’ craved you all week”, he says against her navel, hands busy busy busy on her, and Karen feels violent shivers running all over her. “Missed the taste of your skin.”

This is what her coworkers meant when they said “dish”. They wanted the details of how Frank performs in bed, how his body feels on top of her, how thoroughly he fucks her and how expertly he eats her out, but that is something she was determined to keeping for herself.

She didn’t want to share how he makes her arch her back off the bed when he dips his head between her legs, or how he makes her shiver with the way he works his mouth on her, how she trembles while trying to be quiet, biting on her lip and seeking leverage on his hair.

Karen was not even a little bit eager to describe how he makes her come on his tongue, her skin erupting in goosebumps when he slides up to whisper how much he loves the taste of her, or how he is so good in reading her body that he knows just how to touch her to have her shivering for him all over again, or how perfectly he fits between her legs, how perfectly he fits inside her, her perfectly he moves within her.

This is just theirs.

But, maybe, depending on her mood, she can imply the way he rolls them around and perches her on top of him, and how very good she is at riding while his eyes inspect her, hungry and loving.

Maybe, just maybe, if the drinks are good and the mood is right, she might even tell them how hard he takes her from behind, and she has to scream into a pillow to avoid waking the kids, but even then he doesn’t stop, how he can go for so long she ends up dizzy.

Karen would never soberly admit how she begs for him, how he commands and she obeys, because this is the best she’s ever had, or how he tells her that he loves her so so so much while fucking her silly.

Her nosy and curious coworkers sure would like to know about the shower they shared after that, because they worked up quite a sweat, and maybe Sam, the hopeless romantic, would sigh if she told him that the way Frank looks at her makes her heart spread warmth all over her.

But she thought that it was private, just like the fact that her favorite position is when he’s fully lying on top of her and she is all tangled around him, or that is how the start and end most of their encounters, except when they’re too eager to make it to the bed.

Maybe she’ll tell them. We’ll see.

.:.

Frank is usually the first to wake up, so he’s the one that starts breakfast. Eggs and waffles with honey and jam, fruits, fresh juice for the kids and coffee for himself and the woman who stole his heart. A decent breakfast for a Saturday morning.

This morning, though, he had company. While he cracked eggs on top of melted butter, a tiny little puppy wobbled his way to the kitchen, no doubt following the smell.

After the table was set, Frank picked the dog up, feeding him a little treat, and walked back to the bedroom, to pick wake the rest of the house up.

And honestly. This boy is almost seven years old, now. Maybe it was about time he stopped climbing into his parents’ beds? He would have to talk to Maria about that.

Not that he didn’t like that his son felt safe and comfortable enough around Karen to sneak into bed with her and pass back out while Frank was in the kitchen, sleeping starfish style in the middle of the mattress, one of his feet on top of her stomach, his little chest rising and falling as he breathed.

(Good thing Karen insisted on changing the sheets last night after their enthusiastic reunion. Even tired as she was, she had the presence of mind to predict his kid’s behavior.)

“Go on”, he whispered to the dog, placing him on the bed, watching as he walked towards Frankie’s face to sniff and inspect.

Frank walked to the window and cracked the curtains open, letting a little sun in before lying back down on his side of the bed, moving the kid so he could fit.

“Morning”, Karen greeted, stretching, eyes still closed, moving her face towards his for a kiss. “Something smells good.”

“I made breakfast”, he said softly as the dog sniffed Frankie’s face and the boy turned away, groaning and rolling until he was lying on his stomach. “Hey there, buddy. When’d you get here?”

Soon, Lisa padded out of her bedroom and joined them, hair a mess, also woken up by her nose.

They walked to the table and Frank carried his youngest like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder, placing him on the chair and laughing at his sleepy face while he blinked awake, staring at the plate in front of him.

Deep sleeper, Frank Jr.. Barely ever cried when he was a baby. Slept through the night from the beginning. Unlike Lisa, whose lungs capacity had humbled her parents and their neighbors alike.

Finally sitting down on his own chair after making sure everybody’s plate was full, Frank watched his daughter make plans with Karen about next year’s birthday, when she would be old enough for some of the bigger rides at Disney.

He thought he lost his family when he got divorced. Had night terrors about becoming one of those estranged fathers, alone and unloved for the rest of his life.

Instead, he never even had time to miss his kids. He just got a new dog, and there was a ring burning a hole inside the safe in his office.

All there was missing was a “yes”.

[dr-nero-is-god]

tag yourself, i’m nigel 

(sorry it is so small; i do not know anything about pictures. you can click it to be big though!)

[img description: a tag yourself meme for eight of the H.I.V.E. students. Continues below the cut.

1) a picture of Otto swiped from the American cover of Overlord Protocol. Otto is doing a HALO jump and has white hair flying upwards. He has on a black body suit, white gloves, a parachute, and black goggles that make him look like a bug.

Otto -captain of jock/nerd solidarity -no social intelligence -computers are friends, not food -magnetic -literally

2) a picture of Wing harvested from the American cover of Dreadnought. Wing is a completely ripped Asian youth with a long segmented ponytail and a utility belt. He is swinging an axe.

Wing -neutral good trapped on lawful evil island -respects and befriends lesbians -good hair -punchy boi

3) a graphic of Shelby lifted from the American cover of Zero Hour. Shelby is a doe-eyed blonde with a blonde pony tail swinging up behind her since she is falling through the air.

Shelby -will die before entering a target -Lisa Frank velvet coloring pages -SHOES -brightest thief of her age -“skincare routine” is actually crying

4) an image of Laura purloined from the ugly orange American cover of H.I.V.E.: The Higher Institute of Villainous Education. Laura has a somewhat pinched face, red pigtails, and is wearing a black bodysuit as she holds a handheld computer with a hose. She is kneeling on the “E” in “HIVE.”

Laura -never shuts down her computer -likes to share -wants to be a robot veterinarian -smort -strawberry shampoo

5) a picture of some leaves pinched from the American cover of Aftershock. They look perhaps like palm leaves, which is weird because most of Aftershock takes place in an arctic wasteland, but whatever.

Nigel -print button down shirts -loves his dad -reminds people to eat veggies -could poison you in your sleep but no one remembers

6) a picture of the helicopter with minor explosions on either side of the aircraft due to shooting at Russian assassins (not pictured).

Franz -chocolate -19, never learned to read -is never asked about his crushes -black socks -pays for the entire table

7) a picture of the Goliaths plagiarized from the British cover of Zero Hour. The Goliaths are large machine legs with orange lasers shooting out of them, silhouetted in orange.

Lucy -persuasive -got the talk from her grandma -feels like nobody knows her -(and it’s kinda true) -nice!!!!

8)a picture of an American penny, which has “In God We Trust” at the top, the word “liberty” on the left, Abraham Lincoln’s side profile in the middle, and “2005 D” on the right.

Penny -listened to Avril Lavigne in primary school -streetwise -could steal a bra off of boobs -afraid of loss /end id.]

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S3 Ep4: Pharaoh Kitsch

Ah, I just found out what happens when you put a quesadilla in an air fryer (it was still delicious but looked a lot like modern art) So now that nothing else can possibly surprise me today lets go over to Yugioh. Bear in mind, I am still sick as a dog and my brain only recently came out of a pretty intense fog so I think this recap makes sense but it might not. Which is on brand for this show so wtv.

Tea went to hell recently. She’s still kicking. But, unfortunately in hell.

Yugi’s still getting harassed by a swamp person who can’t stop talking about how good he is at Business.

I’ll be honest I’ve been on dates with guys professing to be Business experts (they’re not) where I basically wanted to lie on the ground exactly like this mid conversation in the middle of the damn restaurant.

So anyways, it’s this episode where Pharaoh decides to try something new. Mostly it’s because he had only a limited number of cards to choose from but also because it’s everyone’s favorite kitschy thing that I guess is back in fashion again that’s right it’s a rainbow.

This sounded like a joke on the show but I was just me talking to myself in this last blurb. *long, exasperated sigh*

(read more under the cut)

Anyways I just deleted about 4 or 5 different art rants (I’m pretty sure it was like 11 rants actually, I get pissssssed when I’m on Dayquil) where I pretty much snapped about trends, and it went way off topic. Apparently Dayquil me is just like up in arms about the neon 80′s pink rainbow unicorn trend that was super fun for a little while, but it’s been like 6 years and it’s *still here* and it’s like guys, while I was super down 6 years ago, now I am 30. Do any marketers out there even know how old millennials are supposed to be?

Anyway, before obsessive bad marketing happened and rainbows became a meme to comfort us in these hard times, rainbows used to be out of fashion when this episode aired in 2001. Just bear that in mind if you are a baby in the room and you think unicorn stuff everywhere is normal, it didn’t used to be. It used to be wearing multiple belts was normal and dying your bangs blonde and then parting them aloft and to the side, only allowing your freshly dyed hair to touch water maybe once a week. The cover “Mad World” just came out on the radio and we listened to it unironically. So Pharaoh using a rainbow was supposed to be a joke. Not like...a mundane thing we wouldn’t blink twice at in 2019 because rainbows are freakin everywhere.

And I should clarify that I’m referring to the the hyper cute Lisa Frank Revival. Not about how rainbows are a political symbol since the 90′s--that’s fine--that’s always been a thing, and I’m not docking the actual use of a rainbow both as a pride flag and as a Hawaiian license plate. I’m docking the market saturation of rainbows aimed at the five adults who can wear this stuff and still go to work somehow.

Anyway, a lot of Yugi’s duel is centered around Gansly making fun of his cute ass Kuriboh and saying it was too adorable to ever be effective so now I guess Pharaoh has decided to destroy the hell out of Gansly with a rainbow to get his revenge and to get his point across. Which is very Pharaoh of him despite the fact that this card is the opposite of Pharaoh’s entire emo/alt-rock aesthetic. Pharaoh just really needs to get in the last word always.

We get some more vignettes of what everyone else is up to and I gotta say they made a great use of Joey.

Photoreal penguin sure asked a lot out of me. My brother on the other hand who freakin loves penguins was like “THIS IS THE BEST.” and I was like “but how did the penguin pick up a ROPE?” and he was like “shshshshshhh don’t ruin penguin for me!”

I guess using it’s beak? Or maybe there’s little human fingers on one of it’s little flipper wings?

Anyways, the Kaibas have recovered from their orphanage/falling off of a cliff episode and are back to arguing in the way where Mokuba kind of lectures/begs his older brother and Kaiba goes “hhhrhhghghhhhh”

Mokuba is also just going off about whether or not Seto was a good parent. He’s not. Seto is a terrible parent, and I am shocked that Mokuba is still surprised by this. Seto is a freakin child, but hey I guess Seto is better than a war criminal?

Mokuba just expects a lot out of Seto Kaiba. Over the course of this show, it’s becoming apparent that Mokuba is slowly starting to see the cracks in his older brother, I’m just surprised at how long it’s taking Mokuba to figure out that his brother has not just cracks but is spilling out basically everywhere and getting everyone they know possibly killed in the process. Most likely Duke Devlin. Still shocked Duke Devlin is still alive.

Mokuba’s not quite there yet, he’s still holding out. He’s still trying to reason with this kid who is flying a blimp onto an island he once blew up like a James Bond villain so he can play a bunch of cards on it. Mokuba’s...pretty delusional, but I guess so are all Kaibas.

On the other side of town, Yugi decided he was kind of feeling bad about Pharaoh falling repeatedly on his own face. Which is also Yugi’s face. But also neither of their actual face since this is entirely in VR.

Nothing was even fired at Yugi’s direction. He didn’t even get a chance to like...reach for his cards. He was just like “Oh damn never mind oh damn.”

Like all the rest of these characters seem like they still function pretty good at like 400 HP but Yugi is just out at like 1200 it feels like. Shouldn’t it be you can play until you hit 0? Not like it matters since Yami would just take over anyway.

On the other side of town Tea is rewriting memories with characters who were absolutely not here for this moment in S1.

Could be that Tea has finally decided to recognize Duke and Serenity into the fold as much as Tristan, Joey and Yugi, or it could be that her memories are so freakin borked from S1 Pharaoh’s mind wipes, that she actually legitimately thinks both were there.

Funnily enough, she did not add Bakura to this memory. Whenever any other friend has had a vision where their buddies rallied them on, Bakura has always been included, but not this time. Nice. Maybe Tea is the only person who has figured out Bakura ≠ friend. Or maybe Bakura was just straight up written out of everyone’s memories when he died? Hell knows, the show still hasn’t talked about it. Bakura hella died, and no one has even talked about it. Of course no one is really next to each other at the moment so fine, I’ll let it pass.

Anyway, she decides to use this opportunity to prep for the upcoming Ironman challenge that I’m pretty sure she does once a year.

There she goes, on her way to probably save Mokuba’s ass with her own ass, yet again. Tea and her weird strength. I have no idea where she stores it. I have no idea where it comes from. But Tea is like some sort of primal force of nature and she rarely ever uses it.

And then..........this happened.

And then a purple horse with a scantily clad knight on it crosses this bridge to stab the fishman in the heart-it was a lot of unexpected stuff, guys. Again, completely normal for 2019. I could probably get a shirt with a rainbow and a unicorn with a knight on it from like...Target.

Oh My Oh My I just typed “unicorn on rainbow shirt target” into google and one of the first thing that popped up was a shirt with a chibi rainbow unicorn dabbing. My eyes. There were so many search results. Freakin dabbing. This particular shirt is clearly for children and not for 30′s but man I know like 6 people my age who probably already own this shirt.

Anyway, my apologies to all the fans of this fad, this is your time to shine, make the most of it, you are all valid and it is fine to love what you love. We all like different things. I’ll be here in my corner eagerly waiting for this fad to mercifully end so I can finally go back to the Tim Burton wannabe illustrator I used to be before I had to adapt to the hyper cute phase we’re in right now. I mean you have to humbly deal with the cards you’re given, and sometimes that means you have to draw some rainbows both in cards and also in actual drawings.

Doesn’t mean I have to like it.

So, when Noah realizes he can’t exactly beat Yugi with cards he reaches for this instead:

And guys, Yugi doesn’t even hesitate.

Like remember how Pharaoh walked straight into a creepy clown tent and shoved himself into a little tiny box in a dark room and got hellllla abducted in less than 2 minutes? It is SO EASY to abduct Yugi Muto. In fact, on seeing this magic door appear, Yugi even told Pharaoh “that’s a trap” and Pharaoh was like “that is a trap” and they both were like “I see no other options.”

When it’s like, Yugi, you are OUTSIDE. There’s no walls here--you could go literally anywhere else but the door.

But WTV, it’s Yugi logic.

[sttngfashion]

Heart of Glory - 1.20

We’ve got a Worf-centric episode here, where we learn some things about Klingons and about Worf himself. What we do not have are a lot of essential fashions, but there are a few jazzy Klingon looks, so settle in and let’s have a look-see. 

The episode starts with Riker and Picard posing for their New Wave album cover on the bridge. 

Hungry like the Worf

The Enterprise finds a damaged ship drifting in space, and after finding life signs aboard, Riker, Geordi, and Data go to check it out:

When the New Wave band goes a little industrial

We get to see a little bit of what Geordi’s VISOR looks like, which is a combination of night vision goggles and a Lisa Frank folder:

Needs more unicorns

But the VISOR glitches, and then Geordi gets only static, which is also beautiful:

Jake Sisko immediately asked for a jumpsuit in this print

Exploring the ship, they find...KLINGONS:

*beat* AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIII-EEEE-IIIII, WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUU

The Klingons were hurt in the crash, so the one guy is carrying his friend like a BOSS. We can see here the traditional Klingon garb, which involves:

- lots of grey and black

- studs and spikes in oddly concentrated areas

- vests made of what appear to be the floormats of a 1987 Honda Accord

- fierce boots

They make their way with the away team to the Engineering section of the damaged ship, intending to beam up. 

Love lift us up where we belong 

You can see here that the Klingon carrying his pal is rocking those fingerless gloves, which shows that he is a TRUE BADASS who values MANUAL DEXTERITY but also HAND WARMTH. 

There is (as usual) an issue with the transporter, and before the crew gets back to the Enterprise, THIS HAPPENS:

What shape do you see in the explosion? I see Fudgy the Whale

And that’s how Riker, Geordi, and Data all died. Just kidding. 

Once on the Enterprise, the Klingons bring their critically-injured friend to sickbay, where Crusher attempts to save him and Worf looks on petulantly:

I am the only Klingon in the village

We can see here that this guy’s Klingon leggings, or kleggings, are a lovely aubergine shade, which is a nice change from the “gunmetal to vantablack” spectrum they typically employ. 

Bev tries to save this guy, but it’s not enough, and he gets to do some great Death Acting:

Death: just, like, a really bad backache, I guess

While this guy is dying in sickbay, his comrades are being dicks to Worf over a nice Klingon meal:

KLINGONS HAVE NO NEED FOR MORE THAN TWO TINES. TWO TINES IS A WARRIOR’S NUMBER OF TINES

I’m not sure about you guys but I feel like Klingons aren’t like SUPER into garnishes, so all those dandelion greens seem really unnecessary to me. 

Klingons love Buffalo wings

I just wanted to point out this guy’s Batman/Wolverine inspired gloves. 

During dinner, the other Klingons are like “ha ha you’re basically HUMAN now you HUMAN lol lol” and Worf is like “no” and it’s a real brief glimpse into how hard it must be for Worf to just, like, LIVE. But then they’re all summoned back to sickbay because their boy just died.

He died as he lived: with absolutely glorious eyebrows

They check to see that he’s dead, and then they do a Klingon ritual that honestly I would love to implement in Western white people culture:

Just straight up yelling

I love Michael Dorn, but he does not look very committed to the yelling here. 

He’s dead or whatever

After the Klingon death ritual, the Klingons are like “it’s an empty shell now, bye, not our problem.” 

We get some quick civilian fashions in the hallway:

Ba-by jump-suit (👏🏼👏🏼/👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼)

Very much digging this little one’s bright grape, and her mom/teacher/whoever is rocking some truly impressive shoulder overhangs. 

Can we also observe this Klingon’s shoes? That silver stripe is a design feature that looks like duct tape was used to repair them, which feels a little bit like when you buy a “vintage” t-shirt at Target, or pre-distressed jeans. VERY INAUTHENTIC, KLINGON. 

Anyway it turns out that the three Klingons on board are criminals and need to be taken to the brig, so Worf does a walk-and-talk:

What’s next

In this shot, we have a nice look at how the two of them go together, but don’t match, like Destiny’s Child used to do:

I don’t think you’re reddo for this yellow

Kelly’s looks like Tina sewed the pieces together wrong and was like “you know what? I think it works anyway.”

On the way to the brig, they encounter a child who is the personification of sherbet:

Are you my vav

Her handler is rocking a belted poncho and some deep mauve leggings back there. Can we get another shot of her?

Counselor Troi is my hair goals

Worf is briefly worried the criminal Klingons will take the girl hostage, but apparently, that’s for cowards. 

Also for cowards: being executed! If they’re handed over to the other Klingons, that’s what will happen, but they’re PRETTY eager to die an honorable death during battle, so they break out of the brig with some sort of belt device:

Fashion...and function. When you shop Klingon, you get the very best

A dance fight shootout ensues...

I trained under Baryshnikov

...and eventually both Klingons do, in fact, die in battle, with one of them being killed by Worf himself:

I only just now noticed his Muppet fur sleeves

Worf learns that he isn’t quite Klingon, but he isn’t quite human, and he loves the Enterprise, and hooray. 

A couple of stray hairdos:

The cleanest sideburns with the messiest literally everything else

Our band is called The Engineering Updos

Also visible in this shot: just how fucking hard it is to sit in a skant and not show your butt.

[the-connection]

We all have that friend who, no matter how great a film is, will always say the book is better. And the worst part is that they're almost always right, the jerks. Well, the next time they open their bookish little mouths, here are some examples you can use to shut them right up. Some books contained scenes so nonsensical, stupid, or dong-filled that filmmakers didn't even try to put them in their adaptations. And speaking of dong-filled, let's start right off with ...

5

Forrest Gump Left Out His Gigantic Monster Penis

In the movie version of Forrest Gump, we follow a simple-minded but superhumanly capable man as he aw-shuckses through some of the most important events in American history. Whether it's showing Elvis how to dance, rewriting the Civil Rights Movement, or investing heavily in a company guilty of crimes against humanity, Gump unwittingly guides the course of the 20th century. Looking back, the movie is still a bit strange ... but the book was downright insane.

You're probably asking, "Didn't a woman take sexual advantage of a mentally challenged man to trick him into raising another guy's baby before she died of AIDS in that movie? What was in that book that they had to leave out?"

Paramount Pictures"Hump, Forrest, hump!"

We're glad you asked!

In the book, Forrest and Jenny still got after it all night, but this version was very, very clear about two very, very strange points: First, that Forrest has an enormous penis. Second, that Jenny loves to talk dirty. Now, remember that the novel is told in the first person, and Forrest no talk good. So now that you're all set up, here's a sentence no one ever expected to type: Please enjoy a graphic passage from the erotic memoirs of Forrest Gump.

Paramount Pictures"You like magazines? I wrote to a magazine once ..."

When we get home, Jenny begun takin off her clothes. She is down to her underpants, an I am jus settin on the couch tryin not to notice, but she come up an stand in front of me an she say, "Forrest, I want you to fuck me now."

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You could knocked me over with a feather! I jus set there an gawked at her. Then she set down nex to me an started foolin with my britches, an nex thing I knowed, she'd got off my shirt an was huggin an kissin me an all. At first, it was jus a little odd, her doin all that. Course I had dreamed bout it all along, but I had not expected it quite this way. But then, well I guess something came over me, an it didn't matter what I'd expected, cause we was rollin aroun on the couch an had our clothes nearly off an then Jenny pulled down my undershorts an her eyes get big an she say, "Whooo -- lookit what you got there!" an she grapped me jus like Miz French had that day, but Jenny never say nothin about me keepin my eyes closed, so I didn't.

The scene goes on to include all the sexual positions they try: Jenny shown me shit I never could of figgered out on my own ... sideways, crosswise, upside down, bottomwise, lengthwise, dogwise, standin up, setting down, bending over, leanin back, inside-out and outside-in.

Paramount PicturesIt's basically a porn parody of the scene of Bubba listing shrimp recipes.

The point is, he and his notably large dick wore that ass out. If the novel was faithfully adapted, Forrest Gump would have been nine hours long and inspired a tense public debate on how many yards of penis should be allowed in a PG-13 movie.

4

The Comic Version of Thor: Ragnarok Is Seriously Messed Up

In Thor: Ragnarok, Thor and Loki work together to fight Odin's firstborn daughter, Hela, the Goddess of Death. She has spike-throwing powers and a giant wolf, and nobody in Asgard stands the slightest chance against her. Characters die before you can even figure out who they were supposed to be, and Thor ends up on a garbage dump planet run ruled by Jeff Goldblum, who turns him into a slave gladiator and makes him fight Conan Hulk.

Marvel StudiosIt's pretty awesome.

The movie is based on the Thor: Ragnarok comic book series, and it made a few notable changes from the source material. For instance, in the movie, Thor loses his eye in a fight. In the comics, he tears it out of his own damn head. Comic book nerds and people who still worship the Norse gods (thanks for reading, Bjerkman the Unbroken!) might recognize this move. His father, Odin, did the same thing ages ago when he traded his eye for knowledge. That's why Thor goes the extra step and yanks out both his eyes.

Marvel Comics

Marvel Comics"Bah! You ask for but one eye? Thor doth double down!"

And somehow, this gets both weirder and darker. After he willfully blinds himself, Thor commits suicide by hanging himself from Yggdrasil, the World Tree.

Marvel Comics"The Odinson found this part a bit too dark for a tentpole blockbuster!"

In the movie, Thor has to deal with his brother Loki's constant betrayals and tricks by staying one step ahead of him. In the comic, Thor just tears Loki's goddamn head off and ties it to his belt.

Marvel ComicsHe was renamed God of Conditioner after his ponytail proved to be stronger than his neck.

There are some big decisions that have to be made at the end of Thor: Ragnarok, but they're nothing compared to what Thor's faced with in the comic version. He doesn't summon some puny fire god to destroy one realm -- he shatters Yggdrasil to destroy every realm. So yes, in the movie, Thor blows up a lot of homes. But in the comic, he murders e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.

In the end, we can all agree that "Let's add Conan Hulk" was a good note, but "Let's do a rewrite on the Thor genocide scene" was a great note. It would be seriously tough to talk parents into taking their kids to a movie wherein the hero pulls his own eyes out, kills himself, and then kills every being in the universe while wearing his brother's severed, screaming head on his belt. Or maybe not, because isn't that the plot to Cars 3?

3

The Stardust Movie Leaves Out the Gruesome Unicorn Mutilation

Stardust tells the story of Tristan Thorn, a young man who crosses the titular wall of his hometown of Wall to enter the land of Faerie so he can bring back a fallen star to win the heart of a girl. We know, it sounds like a sarcastic example from a How to Write Young Adult Fantasy for Beginners textbook, but it was turned into a real movie. Starring Robert DeNiro!

It turns out that the fallen star is actually a woman (Yvain, played by Clare Danes) who hurt her leg when she fell to Earth. Tristan has no idea how he's going to get a crippled, woman-shaped star back to his walled village of Wall until a unicorn randomly turns up to help! Haha, for real!

Paramount PicturesThe original title was Lisa Frank Origins.

The pair eventually encounters the witch Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer), who wants to kill them both. The unicorn helps them escape by head-butting Billy, a goat in the shape of a man, so hard that he turns back into a goat. Then the witch starts a fire and we never see the unicorn again ... in the movie.

Paramount Pictures"GOAT GTFO!"

The book has a bit more to tell us about that unicorn's fate. In the novel, it doesn't just take on Billy -- it fights the witch as well. And while it gets a few good shots in, the unicorn loses about as hard as anything has ever lost anything. First the witch jams a knife into the unicorn's brain through its eye. Then ...

The beast dropped to the wooden floor of the inn, blood dripping from its side and from its eye and from its open mouth. First it fell to its knees, and then it collapsed, utterly, as the life fled. Its tongue was piebald and it protruded most pathetically from the unicorn's dead mouth.

Think that's a bit much? We're not done yet. The witch needs the unicorn's corpse to move, so she spits her blood into its mouth, and this animates it. Whatever, that's the witch equivalent of a forklift. Later, she saws its goddamn head off.

Paramount Pictures"No reason for that part. Just for fun."

Half-blind, the dead unicorn stumbled toward the green rock needle until it reached a depression at its base, where it dropped to the knees of its forelegs in a ghastly parody of prayer.

The witch-queen reached down and pulled her knife from out of the beast's eye-socket. She sliced across its throat. Blood started to ooze, too slowly, from the gash she had made. She walked back to the carriage and returned with her cleaver. Then she began to hack at the unicorn's neck, until she had separated it from the body, and the severed head tumbled into the rock hollow, now filling with a dark red puddle of brackish blood.

Jesus Christ. People who grew up watching The NeverEnding Story had their childhoods haunted by a horse sinking into the Swamp of Sadness. Can you imagine growing up in a world in which your favorite fantasy movie slowly carved the head off a defiled unicorn-zombie?

2

In The Book Version Of The Rescuers, The Villain Kills So, So Many Orphaned Girls

Disney's The Rescuers follows the adventures of two mice who work for the Rescue Aid Society, Miss Bianca and her loyal companion Bernard. In the film, an orphan named Penny is kidnapped by an alligator-loving hellbeast named Madame Medusa, who needs Penny in order to find the Devil's Eye, the world's largest diamond.

Those are some crazy characters, some genuine peril, and two ball-shrinkingly terrifying alligators. Luckily, Penny is the only orphan kidnapped, and she survives.

In the movie.

The original novel is called Miss Bianca, and is the second book in Margery Sharp's Miss Bianca series. In the book, the villain is the dreaded Duchess, who doesn't need any orphan girl (named Patience here, not Penny) to find her a famous diamond, because she lives in a castle made of them.

Little Brown & Co.It's arguably too many diamonds.

No, the only reason the Duchess wants an orphan girl is to torture her. She beats Patience with a diamond-studded cane "just to hear her cry out." She starves and tortures her: "[The Duchess'] big knuckles ground cruelly against Patience's collar bone, the long fingers almost met in the child's emaciated, shrinking flesh." Hell, the kid doesn't even have a toothbrush -- "she just dipped a torn old rag into a cold jar of water." Life sucks for Patience. But it was way worse for the other orphans. Yes, there were other orphans. Emphasis on were.

Patience is not the first orphan girl the Duchess has kidnapped; she's simply the only one to survive long enough to be in the book. "Patience was the last of a series, all the others having died young."

You might be wondering what the Duchess in this children's book about a talking mouse did with all those dead little girls. Well, as the story unfolds, Miss Bianca encounters two bloodhounds named Torture and Torment, who talk about all the girls they hunted. At the end of the conversation, she realizes that the seat they previously offered her was "a very small shin bone -- gnawed."

Little Brown & Co.One thing's for sure: It's more dead orphan girl shinbones than the children's book illustrator expected to draw that day.

It's not ambiguous. When Patience escapes, we're told "the Duchess had faced the same situation before. As the little shin bone bore witness." There are no subtle hints in this book. It is made extremely clear that the Duchess had her hounds chase down and eat a bunch of orphan girls alive before the Rescue Aid Society ever heard about Patience.

Suddenly those scary cartoon alligators don't seem so bad.

1

Chris Gardner's The Pursuit Of Happyness Is Full Of Rape And Murder

The Pursuit Of Happyness sees Will Smith playing Chris Gardner, the ultimate wholesome dad in the ultimate wholesome family film (give or take some hobo urine) about the pursuit of the American Dream. Based on Gardner's memoir of the same name, the movie shows how he looks after his only son while homeless in San Francisco, sleeping in shelters and public bathrooms, all the while working for a Wall Street firm without pay, hoping to win a lucrative banking job.

There are a lot of hard knocks along the way, but he ultimately wins at life and goes on to become a millionaire. The book wasn't quite as family friendly.

A lot of the memoir is occupied by Gardner's relationship with his abusive stepfather ... and Gardner's attempts to kill him. Gardner tries to poison him, and fantasizes constantly about shooting or bludgeoning the man to death. He even pushes a refrigerator down the stairs on top of him. Here he is bragging about the precision of this murder scheme:

In perfect timing, I missed a step, on purpose, and let the refrigerator go. A priceless look of confusion and horror came over his face, and like a work of art, the next thing I knew Freddie had a refrigerator on his chest and they were both tumbling down the steps.

It seems like a gruesome thing to actively try to murder his stepfather, but to be fair, the stepfather sucks. He almost kills Chris' mother multiple times, even chasing her into a store with a shotgun at one point. The closest he gets to ending her life is with a two-by-four, "bashing it into the back of her skull with such a force that the wood splintered into her skin, sticking into her, spewing blood not just underneath her but everywhere in the room."

Columbia PicturesIt's a fun read.

Chris eventually gets out of there without committing murder, but things do not get any less horrible. At one point, he talks about one unhappy mark returning from a hustle gone wrong. And we mean very, very wrong.

But even if I can't track time, I remember every detail of what happens, from the second he pulls a knife to my throat, forces me on my back, pulls down my pants, puts his dick between my legs, to registering the confused horror of my dick getting hard from stimulation, to the true horror of him hoisting me into position so he can fuck me in the ass, right on the living room floor. Every grunt, every breath. His smell overwhelms. Funky. Rancid even, inhuman. White hot pain. Cold hard linoleum.

Luckily, the story doesn't end there. Because Gardner gets his revenge three years (and 11 pages) later, when he waits outside a bar for his rapist to exit and beats him to death with a cinder block!

"Oh shit," he said, not even finishing the statement before I crowned him with the cinder block, bearing down with all my strength on the top of his head.

At first, he didn't fall, but he faltered. After more pounding, he finally crumpled to the sidewalk, and I threw the brick down, left it right there, and walked away. Didn't look back, didn't run. Right or wrong, I silently said the last words that I'd ever think about him -- Got your motherfucking ass.

So to be clear, someone was reading this book and thought, "This would make an excellent, uplifting family film! Starring the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!"

Not gonna spoil anything, but IT (based on the book by Stephen King) did a pretty good job editing the book into a script too.

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[junker-town]

WrestleMania 33 was the first time I watched wrestling, and it blew my mind

“It was delightful,” declares blogger.

Before WrestleMania 33, I had never watched a minute of pro wrestling in my life.

I knew the wrestlers played characters, but how much of it was acting? I knew they wore sparkly tights, lots of makeup, and beat each other up before someone tapped out and the victor won a belt. But was he or she truly the victor? Wasn’t it all decided beforehand? Did they actually hurt each other? What — to put it more simply — on God’s green earth is wrestling all about?

So I watched WrestleMania 33 in search of knowledge. I also live blogged the experience. Here is my journey.

TO SET THE SCENE

It’s Sunday night. I’ve bought a subscription to the WWE Network which I fully intend to cancel on Monday before the free month runs out. I have snacks (dried peaches, for some reason), because I’m expecting the thirteen matches to last approximately thirty years.

I’m ready to enter the world of wrestling for the first time.

LET’S GOOOOO!

WrestleMania is apparently hosted by these three dudes in a wrestling collective (not sure that’s a thing, but gonna roll with it) called New Day. They're wearing red chaps, speedos, capes, and cowboy hats bedazzled with more Swarovski crystals than one of those Vaseline tubs Tyra Banks once gave out on her talk show. They don't do much as hosts besides announce that they are the hosts.

We’re on to the first match.

AJ STYLES vs SHANE MCMAHON

The entrance ramp to WrestleMania is as long as a football field, so it takes hours for these guys to walk into the ring. AJ Styles makes the trek first. He’s wearing red, white, and blue tights, no shirt, and has the most luscious hair I’ve ever seen on a man.

The timing of the wind kicking up was... phenomenal. http://pic.twitter.com/eRGudUfwXd

— TDE Wrestling (@totaldivaseps) April 2, 2017

His opponent is Shane McMahon, who is WWE tycoon Linda McMahon’s son. Linda is now the United States’ administrator of the Small Business Administration because Donald Trump is the president, and Donald Trump shaved Linda’s husband Vince’s head at WrestleMania 10 years ago. In other news, we’ve officially gone through the looking glass.

These wrestlers are older than I thought they'd be. The look like your middle-aged, elementary school gym teacher ate too much creatine, developed serious rage issues, and lost his cool at one too many indoor dodgeball games before the principal was like “Holy shit, Mr. Mahon is freebasing protein powder again, someone call the union.”

I gasp as AJ Styles bounces off the ropes and flips around. The dude has swagger. He looks to the crowd. He struts. He hears the screams. He loves the screams. He feeds on the screams.

Meanwhile, Shane is just losing. AJ hits him in the head as he slumps against the ropes looking dazed and confused. He’s not trying to fight back.

What’s wild to me about WWE is that you just let other people beat you up to ensure a performance that will please fans. You’re playing a role, and sometimes you have to lose for the greater good of the show. It’s a strange variety of selflessness mixed in with incredible ego — you are still, after all, in the ring in front of millions of people. It’s strangely moving.

The referee gets hit in the face and he’s down for the count. Shane brings a straight-up Oscar the Grouch-style trash can into the ring, puts AJ up against the ropes, makes him hold the trash can, and leaps off the ropes, drop kicking the trash can into AJ’s face.

Coast. To. Coast. #WrestleMania @shanemcmahon @AJStylesOrg http://pic.twitter.com/vyXTRwfrLq

— WWE (@WWE) April 2, 2017

Shane then climbs up onto the top rope again as AJ lies on the mat, spread eagle, staring up at Shane with the fear of God in his eyes. Shane launches himself off the ropes once more, but AJ rolls out of the way, so Shane crashes onto the mat.

In the waning light of the humid Florida evening, AJ writhes in pain from the whole trash can fiasco. Shane rolls around, pouring sweat, trying to breath after knocking the wind clean out of himself.

This. Is. Insane.

AJ pins shane. AJ wins. I like AJ, but I’m not sure I’m supposed to.

KEVIN OWENS v CHRIS JERICHO

Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho used to be best friends, but then Kevin Owens stabbed Chris Jericho in the back, claiming they weren’t ever really friends. This fight is a rematch of their best friend breakup in Vegas, where Kevin Owens beat the shit out of Chris Jericho. I know this because the promotional videos the WWE shows before each match are works of art.

Chris Jericho is wearing a tiny, sparkly speedo, knee-high sparkly boots, and a scarf with Christmas lights blinking on it. Kevin Owens is wearing an ugly black tank top and some boring black pants. If this were a battle of the outfits, Kevin Owens wouldn’t stand a chance.

What else can you do but DRINK THIS IN?! #WrestleMania @IAmJericho http://pic.twitter.com/YEy3zfI5GE

— WWE WrestleMania (@WrestleMania) April 2, 2017

Watching these two wail on each other is heartbreaking; best friend breakups can be just as devastating the end of romantic relationships. This feud is made even worse because Kevin Owens used to revere Chris Jericho when he was little, and would watch Chris Jericho in the ring.

NEVER MEET YOUR HEROES, PEOPLE.

In other news, had I comprehended how much human drama wrestling involves, I would've gotten into WWE way sooner. I can't resist a good narrative. I’m powerless in the face of speculative gossip.

“You don’t have any friends!” Kevin Ownes yells at Chris Jericho. He also yells, "You were never my best friend!" and "You're a piece of trash!"

It’s the meanest heckling I’ve ever heard. I can’t tell if the emotional pain is real (the physical pain definitely is), but the ability to act through all of it and put on a show while your ribs are splintering into a million tiny pieces is astounding regardless.

Chris Jericho pins Kevin Owens, but Kevin Owens has a finger on the rope, which appears to be the wrestling version of a Get Out of Jail Free card. It’s a brilliant move, judging by the reaction it’s getting from the crowd.

Kevin Owens wins. I hate Kevin Owens.

CHARLOTTE FLAIR, BAYLEY, SASHA, AND NIA JAX

Here is what I think about each of the women competing in this four-way elimination match:

Bayley is the Lisa Frank of wrestling. She wears bright colors, reminds me of Punky Brewster, and comes across as very kind, which is impressive, given that she beats people up for a living.

I obviously like Charlotte the best. Yes, we have the same name, but she’s also a total boss who wears medieval capes.

Nia Jax is the most intimidating human I’ve ever laid eyes on; she’s a formidable, close to 300-pound woman who is stunningly beautiful and probably eats the ground-up bones of her opponents for breakfast.

Sasha Banks rides in on a chariot and has flowing pink hair. I’m here for it.

Bow down to THE QUEEN as @MsCharlotteWWE walks the same ramp as @RicFlairNatrBoy did nine years ago! #WrestleMania http://pic.twitter.com/ufofPSmU8y

— WWE WrestleMania (@WrestleMania) April 3, 2017

They start wrestling, and if a woman ever looked at me the way Charlotte is looking at her opponents, I’d start to cry and sprint away as fast as I could. She just cork-screwed off the top rope onto all three of the other wrestlers.

Charlotte, Bayley, and Sasha quickly realize that the only way they stand a chance against Nia Jax is to team up against her, so they do, and she’s caput. Sasha also gets eliminated.

Now Charlotte has Bayley’s leg in a figure four. I have a blanket over my eyes because it hurts too much to watch.

Somehow, after all the back and forth, body slamming, and rope slinging, Bayley manages to defend her championship title and win the belt. Charlotte looks pissed but resigned to the fact that Bayley won, fair and square, thanks to a deftly deployed elbow. I’m here for the elbows, because it’s the only wrestling move I know. I used to do it to my cousins when we were little (f you’re reading, Wilders, sorry for everything).

You know what comes after the #Figure4 as @MsCharlotteWWE TRIES to lock in the #Figure8! #WrestleMania #WomensTitle http://pic.twitter.com/dXVScN57q3

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) April 3, 2017

I'm just sitting here with my mouth open. I've never witnessed anything like that in my life. It was by far the best match I’ve seen yet. It will probably be the best match of the night.

Women rule.

LADDER MATCH

Okay, I’m totally confused, now. We’re in the middle of the ladder match, and there are at least fifteen people in the ring. They’re wrestling in teams of two, my favorite of which is Enzo and Big Cass, because they seem fun, and also because Enzo is wearing a leopard print suit. The crowd seems to love them, too.

One guy is spinning another guy around while a third guy repeatedly hits a fourth guy in the head.

Has the teamwork between @WWECesaro and @WWESheamus EVER been this on point?! #WrestleMania http://pic.twitter.com/Nu0q8nnohe

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) April 3, 2017

I don’t know who the Hardy Boys are, but they have showed up in the ring, and both my Twitter timeline and the WrestleMania crowd are losing their collective minds. Apparently these guys were huge back in the ‘90s or something.

All 1,341 of the wrestlers in the ring are bunched up, smacking each other at the base of the ladder. They’re slamming Big Cass onto the rungs as Enzo tries to grab a belt hanging from the sky. Now another guy is beating Enzo over the head as he grabs for the belt. Now Enzo is fighting back. Now other dudes are crawling back into the ring. I don’t know who’s who.

HOLY SHIT, one of the Hardy Boys has jumped off a ladder and smashed into the other guys, using his body to break not only the metal but also the other people’s bodies. What am I watching?

Matt Hardy managed to grab the belt, so he won? Everyone on my Twitter timeline is tweeting “DELETE!” I don’t understand why, but no one has the time to explain to me.

(Update: Apparently The Final Deletion was a match that previously took place between two Hardy Boys. Brothers? I’m so lost.)

JONH CENA AND NIKKI BELLA v MIZ AND MARYSE

I know a little bit about this match: John Cena and Nikki Bella are dating, and John won’t marry Nikki. Miz and Maryse are married, and they’re really mean to Bella, telling her John must not love her if he won’t marry her.

That’s mean, and it’s also bullshit; pressure to marry people is stupid. Marriage isn’t some finish line. It’s not the be all, end all of a relationship. Like, getting married won’t solve all your interpersonal problems.

But that’s a rant for another time.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far: Wrestling plays to our base human impulses. It’s a stripped down, violent play built around raw, universal reactions. The WWE takes the common characters and scripts of our lives — friends who betray each other, lovers who expect commitment, enemies who scheme against enemies — and removes the rules.

For example: At work, if someone pisses you off, you can’t just body slam them. But in wrestling, you get to destroy them while you wear spandex in front of a screaming crowd. Wrestling appeals to the masses, I think, because it sets the Id free in a show of beautiful and exciting pageantry.

I’m going to skip the actual fight, but the bottom line is that John Cena and Nikki Bella win, and OH MY GOD, JOHN CENA IS PROPOSING NOW!!!

"I have been waiting so long to ask you this...WILL YOU MARRY ME?" - @JohnCena to Nikki @BellaTwins! #WrestleMania http://pic.twitter.com/Rmfvtp9biQ

— WWE WrestleMania (@WrestleMania) April 3, 2017

Nikki says yes. I’m tearing up. They’re hugging each other. They’re making out. They’re so happy. I’m melting.

Wrestling is dope.

SETH ROLLINS v TRIPLE H

Seth Rollins messed up his knee and isn’t cleared by doctors to compete. But he wants to beat Triple H to prove something (I can’t remember what), so he’s fighting anyway. The match is therefore “non-sanctioned.”

I like that in wrestling, if you want to get around the rules, you just sign some paperwork saying you won’t sue if you get maimed. The match is then marked as “non-sanctioned,” and you can do whatever you want with your broken body.

Triple H rides in on this dope motorcycle as police motorcycles ride down the ramp in front of him, blaring their sirens. This is a circus. The heavy metal music is seeping into my veins. I’m wide-eyed. I stand up. I’m sorry for the all-caps I’m about to hit you with, but THIS IS MAKING ME SO AMPED THAT I WANT TO GO KICK DOWN A DOOR!!!!!

#TheGame @TripleH and @StephMcMahon always know how to make an entrance... #WrestleMania http://pic.twitter.com/3uxdnoIh37

— WWE WrestleMania (@WrestleMania) April 3, 2017

I feel like I’m high.

Seth Rollins is a beautiful man. Triple H is a jacked-up monster. I can’t write about the actual fight because it makes me sick to my stomach to watch and therefore to think about.

TL;DR: Seth’s knee is not okay, and Triple H keeps hurting it more. Seth is in so much pain that I’m not sure he’ll ever walk again, and now there’s a sledgehammer involved, and it feels like they’ve been murdering each other for five hours.

Live look of me watching #Wrestlemania as soon as the sledgehammer got introduced http://pic.twitter.com/MMWaQCwQIe

— Charlotte Wilder (@TheWilderThings) April 3, 2017

Here are my raw, unedited notes:

MY SHOULDERS are up at my ears. Omg a sledge hammer omg. I JUST want to die i don’t know how anyone can still watch this. Triple h is dragging seth up on the ropes and omg i am going to throw up. Seth Rollins did something called a cork screw phoenix splash? Omg he is ten thousand feet in the air!!!! I WANT THIS TO END SO BADLY. Triple H’s face is horrifying. Omg a pedigree. Can he do that HE DID IT. SETH WINS Thank fucking god that is over. That was so brutal.

HAHAHA PITBULL IS HERE PERFORMING A SONG

Of course he is.

DALE #Wrestlemania http://pic.twitter.com/UwkDuQpf0J

— Hector Diaz (@iamHectorDiaz) April 3, 2017

RANDY ORTON v BRAY WYATT

This is the match between the cult leader married to a dead witch named Abigail (Bray Wyatt) and the guy who joined the cult and then burned down the other guy’s house (Randy Orton).

God, I love this. It’s like make-believe for grown ups. It reminds me of the games my friends and I used to play when we were little, where we had to run away from ogres and save princes (we were feminists, okay?) from dragons. I adore the fact that millions of Americans are like, “Yeah, sure, we’ll buy into a storyline where a guy rubs the ashes of a dead witch all over his face to become more powerful in the ring.”

Randy Orton is wearing a fur vest and a speedo. Bray Wyatt is wearing a shirt with a demon octopus on it (I’ve noticed that usually one of the wrestlers is clothed, and one is less clothed). It feels very Florida.

I think this match is a big deal, like, a championship or something? But it’s really boring. After the ladders, Seth’s pain, the women’s badass fight, Triple H’s entrance, and all the build-up surrounding this match, I’m pretty disappointed.

I don’t even remember who won and it just ended.

GOLDBERG v BROCK LESNAR

Brock Lesnar sounds like the name you'd give at a deli instead of your real one to mess with the people who have to call out your name when your sandwich is ready.

Goldberg looks like that gym teacher I made up at the beginning of this blog post who kept eating creatine after he was fired, got another job as a high school softball coach, and ripped his shirt off in a rage after the girls lost the championship.

Here is Goldberg:

And so the iconic walk begins for #UniversalChampion @Goldberg... #WrestleMania http://pic.twitter.com/Xb8A7QKcMB

— WWE WrestleMania (@WrestleMania) April 3, 2017

This match is for the Universal Championship? I don’t know what that is. There are too many championships.

They just crashed through a barricade. Are those not fortified? THESE MEN ARE FIFTY YEARS OLD, HOW ARE THEY DOING THIS?

Brock Lesnar has a dragon on his butt.

This is a good match.

Brock wins. He looks like something that climbed out of the Earth's molten core and yelled "I'M HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!" instead of being born.

FOUR MORE WOMEN WRESTLE EACH OTHER, I THINK THEIR NAMES ARE ALEXA BLISS, NAOMI, CARMELA, AND ONE MORE I CAN’T REMEMBER

I’m starting to run out of steam. This is emotionally exhausting. But here are some thoughts:

I like Naomi’s outfit; it’s glow in the dark. She’s twirling around like a boss.

These women are just kicking each other in the face. Carmela looks like she has galoshes on.

Why is Vanilla Ice’s brother in the ring?

I don’t know who is who besides Naomi.

Naomi wins! She’s the Smackdown Women’s Champion! I love her.

The New Day is back as the hosts. I forgot about them. They haven’t been hosting shit.

UNDERTAKER v ROMAN REIGNS

We did it, you guys. We made it to the last match. I feel like a shell of a human. If I was high before, I’m now hungover.

But I know the Undertaker is a big deal, so I’m trying to stay invested.

I was led to believe his entrance would be more dramatic, but he just walked slowly down to the ring. Undertaker has a dad bod. Roman reigns is a beautiful man, much like Seth Rollins. I like the dudes with long greasy hair, apparently.

Roman is really beating Taker up. Taker is going to give me nightmares.

"You may never have seen Babe Ruth walk into Yankee Stadium, or Joe Montana at Candlestick, but you've seen the Undertaker at WrestleMania,” says an announcer with a southern accent who’s been brought in just for this match. I think he’s famous?

I'm going to have nightmares of Undertaker staring at me while he runs his thumb across his neck as though he were threatening to slit my throat, but hopefully I’ll wake up before he kills me.*

Roman is just destroying the Undertaker. Is he bleeding? Is he okay? I feel sick watching this, but I can’t tell if it’s all the dried peaches I ate over the course of the 15 years we’ve been here or if it’s the match.

*I actually did end up having nightmares about WrestleMania.

SMACK DAB on the CHAIR goes @WWERomanReigns as The #Undertaker delivers another #Chokeslam! #WrestleMania http://pic.twitter.com/hzwsfHCj3R

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) April 3, 2017

Wow.

Roman wins.

Why did that feel sad and anticlimactic? Was it supposed to be different? Did they go off script? How does this work? Is it Undertaker’s last match? Why is Roman shaking his head? Why is Taker just lying there? Is he actually hurt? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS and the fans don’t really even seem to care.

Wait, hold up. Undertaker is retiring. I feel like I'm at the funeral of someone I didn't know that well. Everyone in the stands and on Twitter is really sad, so I'm really sad. But it’s awkward that I’m here. I feel like I shouldn’t be seeing this if I don’t understand how big of a deal this is.

Taker takes off his cloak, his hat, and his gloves, and lays them down on the ring. He raises his fist. The stadium shows lightning bolts.

The dead man is actually dead.

RIP Undertaker. I hardly knew ye.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

I’ve been in an alternate reality for five hours. It reminded me a little bit of The Bachelor, in that there’s a rough script and, as a viewer, you don’t know exactly how much is staged. But the wrestlers and the fans are both so thoroughly invested that none of that matters.

The physicality of wrestling is stunning. These people perform mind-blowing feats of athletic ability — they corkscrew off the ropes, they jump off of stories-high ladders, they lift up 300 pound opponents — and yet, I don’t think they get the credit they deserve from the general public because it’s wrestling. It can’t be real, some folks argue.

But let me tell you: The winners may be decided, but holy hell, that doesn’t make the stunts less superhuman. I don’t know how people survive this.

The violence is... a lot. In the beginning of the show I couldn’t watch the beat downs without imagining what it felt like to receive them. My hand was over my eyes for much of it, specifically during Seth Rollins’ match. By the end, however, I watched Roman Reigns bash Taker with a chair and thought more about the plot of Taker’s career ending than I did about his body getting absolutely destroyed. I grew somewhat immune to the violence. And I’m not sure that’s a good thing? Like, I feel a little gross.

But that grossness is cancelled out by the fact that, more so than violence, nostalgia is the WWE’s main commodity.

That’s what this is all about. As someone just dropping in, I was an imposter. I regretted that I couldn’t fully appreciate the beauty of the relationships or the narrative arcs because I just didn’t know enough. But if you grew up a wrestling fan or have been following the sport (yes, it’s a sport) for a while, you become invested in the storylines. You have years worth of build up, tension that comes to a climax when the matches are announced, and gets released as the referee counts to three and a winner is crowned (belted?). The announcers do an incredible job of fueling those dramatic fires.

Any good sport worth its salt is largely about fans’ connection to the athletes and memories of past teams. Wrestling takes all of that, adds raw human impulses and violent physical action, dresses everything up in spandex and sequins, and sells it to football stadiums filled with screaming humans who are willing to suspend their disbelief to enter a weird, wild, mystical world that isn’t a far cry from one giant Greek tragedy.

And as long as everyone — fans and performers alike — is a willing participant, there’s something kind of glorious about the whole visceral experience. This is living.

[edourado]

For my friend @handoftheassassin

Adopted

Matt has always known about Frank’s kids. He had met the kids before he met Frank, actually.

That's the thing about hanging out in parks. Kids are bound to happen. Frank Jr happened to Matt on a Saturday while he enjoyed a large cup of coffee and the sun on his face. The small boy had taken the seat by his side, politely asking “is this seat taken?” and immediately engaged him in conversation.

Matt had smiled, wondering if the child was aware of the “stranger danger” rule. Not that he was dangerous to the boy, but this is New York. Crazy people all around.

Frank would always smile and kiss him when they remembered that story.

“You didn't even know him, already you were parenting.”

Lisa had come after, telling her brother he was supposed to be looking for pebbles, and then, to Matt, “hello. I'm Lisa.”

Frank appeared a moment later, apologizing to him, a strict tone with his children, “what did I say about running off?”

Lisa ended up asking if she could draw Matt’s face, and he laughed, said “sure” while Frank told her not to bother him, but Matt assured him it was fine.

When the fact that he was blind became evident to the kids, Lisa took it upon herself to describe his own face to him while working on his portrait.

“You're very handsome, Matt”, she had said matter of factly and both him and her father laughed.

“Thank you, Lisa”, he had said. “Can you describe your face to me? I'm curious.”

When she told him about her blond hair and her green eyes and her freckles and her nose, he said she was very beautiful and she giggled, and thanked him.

It was while she did a very good job of describing her father’s face to him, was that he noticed the man’s eyes scanning his face.

“My dad is very handsome, too, all my teachers think so. I heard them talking”, the girl said.

“You did?” Frank asked, surprised, taking his eyes off Matt to look at his daughter.

“Yes”, she said, like it was no big deal. “Miss Marks said she could just eat you up. But wouldn't that make her a cannibal?”

“Ok”, interrupted Frank while Matt tried not to laugh. “How about we change-”

“And Miss Leelo said she thinks you look like a brute.”

“Oh my God.”

“And that she likes that idea. What's a brute, daddy?”

“When- where did you- how did you hear all that?”

Matt felt Lisa shrugging and then hopping off Frank’s lap to run around with her brother and the dog that had been lying at their feet.

“God”, Frank had said, chuckling, still sitting next to Matt. “What just happened?”

“She sounds very, very smart”, he commented, all his focus on the man sitting by his side. It's been less than an hour, but he could already say he agreed with Lisa’s teachers.

“I thought I was in the clear after the terrible twos.”

They ended up spending the whole afternoon together. From the park they went for a hot dog, and then to another bench, and then another park.

When they said goodbye, Matt sort of had a date.

With Frank, his kids and his dog, to a different park, the next weekend.

When, finally, they were able to meet without the small chaperones, Matt could read all that was going on in Frank’s body, and he smiled when he felt the two eyes intent on his face.

When Frank kissed him, it was after he insulted Matt’s coffee choice. They were in his apartment, with the excuse that Frank was going to borrow Matt’s boxing gloves until Frank got new ones for himself.

“It's not bad” he had said after the first taste. “But these fancy machines can only do so much.”

“And here I thought Nespresso was the best of the best.”

“Stick with me, Red”, he said, using the nickname he came up with because of the color of the lenses of his glasses. “And you'll never have another mediocre cup of coffee in your life.”

Matt had smiled, said he was taking him up on that, and then Frank took two steps towards him, planting his mouth on his, hand on the back of his neck, fingers inside his hair, making him shiver.

Matt did stick with him. And Frank kept his promise: only the best coffee from then on.

.:.

One month in, Matt met his ex-wife.

“Ah, the famous Matt my kids seem to adore” said Maria, shaking his hand. “Nice to finally put a face to the stories.”

“Mom!” exclaimed Frank Jr. “Did you know he can fight?!”

“Yes, baby, you told me.”

“He's really good. He's teaching me.”

“Oh, that reminds me”, she said, turning back to Matt. “I don't know how to thank you enough for the meditation thing. I swear, it worked wonders.”

“I'm glad it helps”, he said, feeling Frank’s arm on the back of his chair.

“Oh, it does. Bed time used to be such a fight, now it’s a breeze”

He was glad to have a good relationship with Maria. At first, he imagined it would be hard, to date a man with two kids and an ex wife, but he got lucky. Frank was the most difficult out of the four of them, with his temper and short, short fuse.

Two months and the school’s schedule was in Matt’s planner. He would pick them up on Thursdays and Fridays, sometimes with Frank, sometimes by himself.

“Oh my goodness”, he heard Frank Jr’s teacher say under her breath when she spotted him once, all the way across the playground that separated the door from the sidewalk where Matt was waiting. “Where can I find me one of those?”

He tried to keep the smile in, but Frank Jr politely and innocently answered, offering an excited “at the park!” to the rhetorical question he had overheard. “That's where we met.”

Matt pretended to be coughing in his hand in order to mask the smile that broke out.

“Oh!” Exclaimed the teacher, blushing. “That's nice, Frankie!”

If he was extra charming just to make the teacher blush a little more, nobody could tell.

.:.

After they moved in together, the place was a mess for a while. That first week, they both took Friday off work to sort out the unending number of boxes piled around the apartment. Until, after an entire morning and part of the afternoon, Frank had enough.

“Shit”, he said, dropping a lamp he had no idea why he had bought, let alone brought to the new place, back in its box. “I can't do this anymore. I'm fucking done for the day.”

Matt sighed, tired himself.

“Listen”, Frank said, sitting by his side on the floor, hand on the back of his neck, guiding Matt's face to his for a lingering kiss. “You're picking up the kids today, right?”

Matt nodded.

“How about I go with you?”, he kept interrupting himself, kissing and kissing and kissing and Matt smiled. “We’ll pick them up and then… I don't know… we’ll get some air?”

Matt let himself be kissed, angling his head, opening his mouth, hand pulling on the buckle of Frank’s belt. He nodded.

“How long do we have?”

Frank looked at his watch and came back to his mouth with renewed gusto, advancing on him until Matt was lying on the floor.

“Hour and a half.”

Christen the new living room: check.

Frank was sipping his usual coffee, talking to the dad of one of Lisa’s classmates about how they both missed their motorcycles, holding on to Max’s leash, when Matt heard Lisa’s excited voice coming down the hallway, the door still closed.

“And who’s picking you up today?” Asked the teacher.

“My dad”, the girl had said, simply, but Matt’s heart did something funny inside his chest and he found himself smiling.

She meant him. Had known he was picking her up by himself, thought Frank was going to be putting her new bed together.

“Oh!” She said when she saw both of them. “They're both here!”

Half an hour later, he was sitting at the outside table of the new burger place by the Hudson River while Frank taught the kids how to throw a baseball at the small grass field a few paces away.

“Ok, sir, here we go”, said the waitress, arriving with a tray full of food. “I got two double bacon cheeseburgers”.

“Yes, that’s his”, he said, pointing to the empty seat next to his, where Frank would sit.

“Alright”, she placed the two burgers on the table, in front of the empty chair. “One double, no bacon and no pickles?”

“That's mine.”

“Now…”, she read the check. “One chicken, salad and extra sauce?”

“My daughter”, he found himself saying without even thinking about it, that feeling in his heart spreading in his chest again.

“And… one single, bacon and cheese?”

“My son.”

His throat was not closing. He was just thirsty, that's all.

“Right. I'll pick up the rest. Five fries and four chocolate shakes, right?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“You're welcome. I'll be back in a minute.”

When she did come back, Frank and the kids were already at the table, digging in, talking over each other, exchanging bites and stealing fries, Lisa asking Matt to open her ketchup packet for her, sitting on his lap just because, head resting on his chest while she ate her chicken burger, tired, eyes far away at the water, and he wondered if it was now, a month ago or at that first meeting that he became a father.