#can i go home bitch i just had a funeral yesterday AM BEAT!!!!!
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the way my nervous system is on FIRE rn omfG........ I woke up an hour early on accident so I'm GROGGIE and im so worried abt money bc my ex still doesn't have a job and bills r due today and my ISP is up my ass about using too much data even tho it's fuckin $100/mo and they're finna charge me for overages AANNNDDD the store manager was breathing down my mf neck and being so passive and bitchy when EYE was trying to help HER but she has no concept of like. giving a shit abt employees THATS WHY EVERYONE AT RECEPTION QUIT MISS [REDACTED] 🤡
#like eff you???? i dont have to be up here U can do it urself BRATTTTT#and also my coworker forgot to tell the cafe to make my food so i had to wait until 330 to go to lunch like ���#can i go home bitch i just had a funeral yesterday AM BEAT!!!!!#if i wasnt off monday id be screaming crying throwing up rn#*
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※ SHIT I HEARD AT COLLEGE ※
a thrilling saga of shit i’ve heard at college; these are all from my first semester of sophomore year. feel free to change names/pronouns/etc.! more ‘shit i heard/said’ starters!
“The porn industry is moving swimmingly.”
“We all need men. Go find them.”
“It’s not an opera, bitches, it’s a flight.”
“Don’t look! It makes their dick bigger!”
“I have my own place and I can light as many candles as I want.”
“I’m not a librarian, sir.”
“How’s your sack lunch, bitch?”
“Stab me in the ass and turn me into Kim Kardashian.”
“I stayed up another hour just to cry.”
“I just got a nude and I don’t know how to feel about it.”
“I’m gonna go stab my eyes out now.”
“We get it. You have a big truck and a small penis.”
“It’s an epidemic, Karter!”
“There’s no cups, so I’m using a bowl. To drink apple juice.”
“Fuck y’all, I’m eating Fruit Loops!”
“I don’t know my superhero name, but here I am with my can of Lysol and my plastic fork.”
“Your list of things to do includes making the best 2000s playlist of all time and fighting me at Cheesecake Factory.”
“This is borderline human abuse.”
“How do you feel about fluorescent lighting?”
“I’m sorry, I’m on a college budget, I’ll give you two nickels and a paper clip.”
“We couldn’t say hell, because… Catholic school problems.”
“I don’t want them to call me and be like, ‘we’re about to drill into your face!’”
“Ugh, yes, the hot TA, what club are you in?”
“My rat bastard dad? What about him?”
“I have an idea that I’m positive no other human has ever had: butter flavored ice cream.”
“I hate myself, but I’m funny, so…”
“This man loves puppies and he is not afraid to say it.”
“There’s just something about stale food that I really like.”
“I like how we’re watching our upcoming death on TV.”
“When I get wasted, I want to fight. It’s a problem.”
“My boyfriend got really drunk and started drinking nectar out of the hummingbird feeder.”
“He currently has a child.”
“That’s a good way of getting rid of a baby.”
“He can’t look at his dead parents or his alive children.”
“I can’t focus on reading, ‘cause I just wanna watch Drake and Josh.”
“My roommate loves manifestos. Especially the Communist Manifesto.”
“Have you studied his naked body or something?”
“Okay, we got our Greek tragic playwrights: there’s Sophocles… there’s Euripides… uh… Isosceles?”
“We’re so stupid we click things that say ‘click here for here’.”
“So there were just 95 loose pigs.”
“This is called shaming.”
“I can’t be the only person who says ‘meatballs and spaghetti’.”
“What could go wrong? …oh, shit, I’m on fire.”
“Don’t call Kourtney unless you wanna suck dick tonight.”
“There’s no one around. He’s talking to his dick.”
“Just ‘cause it’s Greek doesn’t mean it’s sophisticated.”
“I hate myself, but I hate her more.”
“I don’t know anything about it, but it has bread in the name, so I want to try it.”
“Just… don’t breathe this class.”
“Megan: secret crop top wearer.”
“I’m embracing my aesthetic while you’re embracing… Jon Hamm’s face.”
“What are we doing tonight besides homework? …and bread?”
“I’m witnessing a breakup right here in the Starbucks line.”
“I nominate Gushers as a snack suggestion, but, like, a lot of them. All of them.”
“I have a strong immune system.”
“I was so worked up about the bolo ties.”
“Also, I was wine drunk, so…”
“Does she hit him? I hope she hits him.”
“Only Matthew McConaughey drives Lincolns.”
“Oh, yeah, I’m totally a Republican… Pence is daddy…”
“After that… is the exact same thing… from a different angle.”
“All my life, I’ve been striving to be better than Kidz Bop.”
“Is ‘slaveitude’ a word?”
“Ted Bundy was attractive. People knew him.”
“I feel like whoever’s in charge of the Reese’s company is really high right now. Like, putting Reese’s inside of Reese’s.”
“One beer bottle on campus might be a problem, but if there’s 8, they’re props.”
“With elevators, it’s not claustrophobia. It’s that I don’t trust the government.”
“Headphones: in. World: out. Notes font: ugly.”
“You know that’s a felony, right?”
“That’s a… fourth or fifth impression kind of story.”
“That means she definitely fucked a member of Kiss.”
“I feel free, but also ugly.”
“This is my unassigned assigned seat, and if any of you take it, I will fight you.”
“I went to the Home Depot, bought a bunch of lights, put them up in the air, and said ‘this is art’.”
“Because I was a full New Yorker, I just kept walking.”
“We almost died, but our last meal would’ve been free, so…”
“What’s a funeral like in 2017? GIFs and memes.”
“I would like to thank not only God but also Tinder.”
“I sat through a 40 minute argument about how Justin Bieber started the Cold War.”
“I’m just walking down the hallway, thinking about ways to throw myself down the stairs and make it look like an accident.”
“Now, if it was Kidz Bop, I’d go see it.”
“Don’t name your kid Ethelwold.”
“Shoulders, chest, pants, shoes: a vision for America.”
“My dad’s not getting dick from anyone.”
“I’m a shady beach and y’all are my shady beaches.”
“Oh, no, don’t write that down…”
“At Chipotle, God himself picked those avocados and put them in the guacamole.”
“It should be a holiday: Ohio awareness day.”
“We should go to a nice place. A formal place. California Pizza Kitchen.”
“What do you do in geology lab? Dissect rocks?”
“What great weather for a mental breakdown.”
“He’s not computer generated; he’s actually that large.”
“I’ve done some soul searching and I think that ranch dressing is my favorite food.”
“I almost said his birthday was in 1926. It’s like, we got a little bit of an age gap.”
“Are you physically running away from the situation?”
“I will personally call Papa John to tell him that he’s the reason my life isn’t going right.”
“I can’t wait for middle-aged sex now.”
“I should’ve known, there aren’t two eclipses in a year!”
“I walked around with a bear taser for a year and a half.”
“I found out that the guy I have a restraining order against has been peeing on my car for two years.”
“He fought the devil in jeans and no shirt.”
“She threw my fucking pillow off of the balcony!”
“Tickets are for something fun. Paying the check is not fun.”
“It’s Halloween, calories don’t count on holidays.”
“Well, you know how I said we met in philosophy class? Well… Elise doesn’t take philosophy class.”
“You got it wrong. You said 56 point 2. The answer was 56 point 2.”
“Do I want that horrible sock tan line that I had for five years back? Yeah, I do.”
“I got drunk, threw up, got high, and came here.”
“It’s Titanic blue. I’m the Heart of the Ocean, bitch.”
“The only rat bastard in our lives is Russ.”
“The beats are so good, but the words are such trash.”
“I had to fight someone in the elevator yesterday.
“…I’ve awakened the Demigorgon.”
“We solved the great hiccup epidemic of 2017.”
“Watch out, Kansas, I’m coming for you.”
“Do not associate my birthday with math terms.”
“That’s some Hunger Games type shit.”
“Fuck y’all, I hope you trip and die.”
“I’m very confused and also cold: an American tale. A five part miniseries, this fall on HBO.”
“I am Mrs. Grey! Bring me the kink!”
“I really wanna make a shirt that’s all Comic Sans.”
“I was thinking about Panera’s mac and cheese in a bread bowl, and I started crying.”
“We’re gonna steal your WiFi, but it’s okay, because Panhellenic love.”
“I have confidence that you’re not gonna get pregnant within those two hours.”
“See if this card works. I mean, it should work, but, like…”
“I think my favorite part was slowly dying.”
“All they serve is chicken salad, so you really have to like chicken salad.”
“I have three papers and a test this week, I don’t have time for feelings to resurface.”
“I’m living a life. Not my best one.”
“When you write a report on a book you’ve never read.”
“Don’t tell me what to wear when you wear Crocs to the bar.”
“I have listened to literally nothing but Hallelujah and My Heart Will Go On all day today.”
“Oh my god, Elise, you fucking bitch, get your shit together, and write your paper.”
You know what I’m really devastated about? I’m all out of Fruit Roll-ups.”
“We’re gonna be teachers. We have school forever.”
“I don’t want your sympathy, I want your anger.”
“Clowns… doorknobs… the color yellow… ducks… I’m quoting Victorious…”
“Did you just say ‘hey Sophie’ to not include me? ���Cause, guess what, bitch, I’m still here.”
“I live here, I know when we have salad!”
“I think Satan’s middle name is cumulative.”
“I will put up with my moose husband for however long I need.”
“I’ve literally been down here for an hour and a half waiting for these nonexistent cookies.”
“I’m keeping a detailed list of Elise’s hickeys.”
“I’m an adult, I say as I eat my Fruit Roll-up.”
“Oh, my practicum grade is in! Let’s see… 36.”
“SOS, I’m in bed and it’s so comfy, but I need to get up to study, what do I do?”
“Get up. Only a few more days until we can sleep all we want.”
“So you’re admitting you live in the woods.”
“I don’t know if it’s finals stress or if this is actually the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, but I’m crying.”
“It was optional, don’t make me feel bad for skipping class.”
“I’ve heard that, if enough people fail, they’ll have to curve it.”
“How do you even study for this?”
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Gøner (chapter) 4
We woke up next morning to yells of my mom she thought we were doing something wrong like she said what is GOING ON IN HERE WHO IS THIS I DON’T WANT YOU PREGNANT!!!! Tyler woke up so scared in his boxers and shirtless and me in my bra and underwear so yeah I’d probably think something happened but we just cuddled that’s all I was embarrassed trying to explain everything he was getting his clothes and putting it on he was flushed with embarrassment he got his knives and backpack my mom kicking him out and me chasing after her and him I hurry and put my shirt back on and shorts I see my sister in the kitchen just shocked and scared asking what happened I ignored and ran after them when Tyler got outside I grabbed his arm quickly and kissed him he kissed back and smiled my mom saw and she furiously grabbed me he whispered Forest treehouse and ran inside the forest my mom watched and looked very mad.
Mom: who the hell is that and what were you two doing in your bed huh?
Me: ok ok so let me explain
Mom: DO IT THEN
me: mom he is a very innocent guy he is very nice and he’s my only friend in school yesterday I made Jocelyn food and then she stayed in the kitchen eating YOU didn’t lock the door when you left I went to go watch TV when I hear footsteps and when I walk to the kitchen I see this fat masked guy with a gun on Jocelyns head he says make a move and she’s dead Jocelyn was crying and the other guy had a bag robbing stuff luckily ty came to visit me and he saw from the Window went to go get his knives and well… uh killed the guys but don’t worry nobody saw and they are buried in the back yard anyways he wanted me to go hang with him but Jocelyn was scared to be alone so we stayed here and he stayed over it was hot so we took off our clothes we weren’t completely naked c'mon mom we could have been dead you should thank him.
Mom: wh… what ok so he saved your lives huh were still going to get a pregnancy test and I need proof that he saved your lives ok but right now after the pregnancy test ok? Oh and you’re grounded unless you prove
So we went to the backyard and she still didn’t believe so I was grounded but we headed to the store and we passed by his house I had my windows down and he was in his front porch he saw me I saw him we just smiled I saw his beautiful eyes I cant get enough of him my sister said
Jocelyn: I heard…
Me: what?
Jocelyn: that the Tyler guy is only your friend
Me: oh well umm…
Jocelyn: are you guys dating or like what?
Me: I don’t know but I know I love him
Jocelyn: you need to ask him
Me: promise me you wont tell on me
Jocelyn: promise
So then my mom took me to Walgreens and there she searched for the pregnancy test and got three boxes I knew why she was so worried about these things but its something I’ll have to tell later on anyways when we got home I took one test and it said negative duh all we dud was cuddle when I took the rest they came out as negative she was happy and she said ok I’m going to work now you’re grounded so yeah bye she left and my sister Jocelyn said I’ll be fine just go
I rushed to my room and grabbed my boots put on some skinny jeans on and a black shirt and I went out and I hurried up inside the Forest I ran so fast I fell really hard a rock hit my head then it was all black... I wake up inside a tree house well now I know where I am I get up and look into the window of the tree house and when I look down I see Tyler sitting in a branch that has been broken onto the floor like a collapsed tree he's singing a beautiful song his voice just made me fall more in love and he has a ukulele Tyler: 🎵wise men say only fools rush in but I cant help falling in love with you like a River shortly to the see darling so it goes some things were meant to be... oh 🎵 I cant help but to smile and cry at the same time I know he didn't write the song but I didn't know he sang beautifully I love him so much when I stare at him sing he suddenly feels watched and looks up at me and smiles I smile back he runs up the tree house and rushes to hug me I can feel his warmth on me its raining so I feel cold he hugs me so hard we sit down Me: ty? Tyler: yes? Me: what are we? Tyler: we are soulmates Me: I love you Tyler: I love you too baby. He then leans in to kiss me I hold his cheek and he we start to make out he lays down on his bed I get in him and start kissing more I feel his Boner and I quickly get off he just says what happened I say uh I cant he says I'm sorry I wasn't going to then I say don't worry about it I get on him we take off our clothes and we make love in the treehouse the next morning I wake up I realized I was grounded and I got up and put my clothes on I checked the time in the old clock in tylers treehouse I hurry up and I don't see Tyler there I look down and I see him talking with Jenna I hurry down there and Me: what's going on Tyler: she came over here and talked to me while I was looking for wood to start a fire Jenna: I want you back ty Me: oh hell no bitch he's my man Jenna: what? Tyler: its true she's mine and I don't want you so leave me the fuck alone you slut Jenna: well I don't care because I like your brother more whatever ill go fuck him instead Me: please go now Tyler: now Jenna leaves then I kiss Tyler and say I have to go will you walk me out? Tyler agrees and he walks me out I tell him will you come to my house later he says yeah let me just eat dinner I say ok and go home and then I walk home and I see my mom standing outside mad Mom: I said you're grounded why did you go outside and not comeback in the night were you with him the Tyler guy?... Me: no I wasn't leave me alone I ran inside the house and locked myself in my room and start to cry because I'm emo ok so then my mom knocks my room and says throw the TRASH NOW I agree so then I walk outside and go to the trash which is a bit far from my house when I'm done and I'm walking and I see Trevor the douche bag of the school then he shouts grab her from the back and two big guys grab me out of nowhere one covered my mouth Trevor said you want to act like a little bitch to my sister you slut then you get rocks his friends grabbed me and took me to the forest I was crying but I kinda thought it would end quickly they tie me up and start touching me inappropriately I cant do anything about it the thought of Tyler comes to my mind and Trevor throws a big rock at me and I started bleeding it hit my head so hard I almost blacked out I felt dizzy one of his friends were touching my breasts I wanted it to be over I wanted it to stop I wanted to die... but Tylers: POV I felt pain in his heart but every time I got closer to the forest MY pain grew so I followed the pain and I had weird thoughts about carina in a funeral so i followed the pain and it lead me to her it hurt so bad mostly seeing carina getting hurt by Trevor I hate Jenna I wish death upon her my sanity grew stronger I never told anyone about this only Zack ever since I was a little boy I have been able to do this its like an ability my eyes turn red and my hands turn black and my neck im not myself anymore all the time this happens if you take a picture it turns blurry when I was small this little boy beat up my little sister and his brother came I was so pissed I stared into his soul and he bled to death his blood starts pouring out from his eyes and then from his mouth and all of it drained and he died then after that my sister started to call me blurryface all the time this happens I call myself goner but that's a power and I'm going to use it I start by sucking their blood out Carinas POV I see Tyler but he doesn't look like himself his eyes are red his hands and his neck are black he looks hot like always but then I look at Trevor and his friends and I see blood pouring out of their mouth and eyes Tyler is doing it its freaky I don't know what it is but im glad this is the second time he has saved my life I love him when they are all dead he runs over to me and unties me from the tree I start to kiss him but I'm all hurt when I was done kissing him he looked normal again Finally Tyler carried me to his tree house and started to spit in my wounds and bruises I feel disgusted but then a minute later they are all cured like nothing happened im shocked and scared I don't know what to feel Tyler say you're the one its you I say what he says you're that little girl from all my dreams and I said wait you're too I used to dream a lot about this boy I cant believe it its him... To be continued.....
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THE WAY THE MAN LOVED HER AND THE WAY HE DIDN’T - An Eulogy to my Dad
Okay, fine Don’t make fun of my Instagram handle now, because Akira Seijuro means the one who shines the light on the empire when it’s in absolute darkness. I had to choose this because I wanted to re-invent myself without being names by the chromosomes of my parents when I have decided to detach myself from everything that defines me when I didn’t choose it.
This is a eulogy for my dad. I have been meaning to write it, say it for months, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I thought it would be something that describes the relationship between my dad and me and how perfect it was at times when it was backward a bit. But it wasn’t, it isn’t. I was sometimes people wished ‘the daughter he never had.’ I still am I guess. The only person who could account for it, well, he is not coming back any time soon, let’s face it, there is no afterlife. A few days ago, I have realized this, when the person is about to take his/her last breath, whether or not he gave up on life or whether it was a life that had given up on himself/herself, what would they say? Whom would they think about? My father, unfortunately, has a very unexisting parents and sisters, in terms of parenthood and support, so when he was in pain, where people would normally say ‘amma,’ ‘ma,’ ‘abba’ because that’s the first love any language ever teaches you or shows you and is irrespective of the place, my father chose to say ‘bhavya.’ So he chanted my name thinking it would give him the strength to bear and to not give up. The emergency ward as I say was filled with him screaming my name in love as my mother told me. My mother and I did all that we could to survive ourselves, trying to equip ourselves with an invisible pain that was frowned upon. We loved him, we did. We still do. Most of the times, we keep talking about our dad, my mom used to call him bhavya’s pithaji, haha, very funny for a girl who doesn’t get herself to speak Hindi; so our dad, he is still spoken of the things in the present tense. Happens you know, oh no you may not, sometime you will. I was so possessive about my dad’s love, that I came first all the time just like he showed me from the day I was born. I wasn’t willing to believe and accept that there was someone my dad loved beyond his love for me. How could I not see it all these days? My mother. I thought he gave up all his cryptologist’s side, programming degrees to provide a stable living for us both, for me, all from scratch. But then he actually gave everything up the moment he decided to love my mother forever, the moment he saw her. Yup, love at first site boss. Very hard. I must say, dad, you did it where I failed. Not just the fucking computer science which I hate and which you apparently ‘enigmated’ easily (fun fact: he was qualified enough to teach processing systems and cryptology meaning he studied the function of enigma machine and intel systems back in 1980s.). So that and first love, both where I not literally and literally failed respectively. My mom also loved him, ahem, she still does in that conservative, traditional sorts of silent ways i.e. in an unexpressive responsible way. I remember taking up a wooden scale and trying to beat up my dad when he was trying to kiss her when she was trying to relax after teaching me alphabets and playing with me. Fun a 2 ft girl was controlling her 5ft 8in Dad. I was the apple of his eye, but my mom, dude she was his circulatory system. So, when he saw me as the last person to ever see him alive, he became all ‘dadly’ and said ‘don’t worry 500ml water’s been out from lungs, get the nurse to take my mask off to talk to you’ and there were all male nurses and I didn’t know what to call them, my brain just and it was like, should I call them brother? Because females are sisters? I was STFU brain, STFU and no words were coming out of my mouth, I approached the male nurse to finally blurt out ‘excuse me’ in an ICU filled with children that were fated to die in the next 2,3 days. But then the nurse saw and I still couldn’t speak, I was speaking in sign language pointing towards my dad on bed no.5, which happens to be the number of my mom’s birthday, and my dad took care of himself and asked the nurse to take it off and that he is fine and wants to speak to me. Well, then my dad said, ‘come to the left side, 500, no 600ml water has been taken out from my lungs and I am now able to breathe and I am fine. Don’t cry.’ Bitch did not even say my name. I know my dad and I share a peculiar relationship when it comes to swearings, we don’t mind. Too cool for his age. Anyway, then went on saying ‘Don’t ever leave mom alone. Be with her. And call her in.’ The stupid security did not let my mom in as it was not visiting hours and they already sent me in as if they knew it would be my last hearing of his words. I told my dad they weren’t letting very slowly as if I just started speaking and he said ‘Okay, don’t cry. Take care. Draw cash out from the atm.’ Those were his last words and not once he mentioned me. It was as if he knew that I would kickass, be it funeral or work or life. I was like, okay, Damn dude, I am the dad now. Let’s see. The next morning, he was unconscious when I visited him, his eyes were almost closed, but I saw a teardrop and I asked the nurse to wipe it. ‘He should never cry, make sure of that please, no matter which state he would be in’ I said and I knew it’s coming now today or the next day. I did not cry, I came out, met my dad’s colleagues and made a plan to take his body in flight. I already spoke to the flight guy, thanks to google, told my office and his office people and then I made a plan as to how to proceed with the formalities. I did not have any expectations when it came to rituals, because I wanted my dad to be buried and to plant a tree. But I know it’s not possible for my strength to fight off almost a hundred plus people. So I gave up. And focused on getting my mom to be safe and off all these stupid things. I went home, did some shopping as I didn’t get any clothes because I refused to think that my dad was not playing a game this time. So, yup I went to my home, took my scooty off, kick-started it just how my dad taught me, went to lifestyle, shopped and bank, drew cash, then went home and packed for my mom and I for almost 10 days, got a pair for my dad and booked a cab back to hospital. Then, of course, no plan that is ever planned has gone according to the plan. It went sideways, hmph, I should say tangential ways, you all stupid math geniuses. Then he died. I called my friend, a dear one and he came in 20min, his best friend came and we were off to Kakinada in the ambulance and I was trying to protect my mom from a loafer. He was in a box dude. In a steel cold box. I could hear his body going up and down at the bounces along the road. I already felt the atrocity of the conservative traditions when the first ambulance driver refused to take his body into his van as it was Ramzan. I shouted in silence hoping my dad’s abdomen would go up and down like how I used to once watch when he was alive, just to make sure that he was alive. We reached Kakinada. Once he was taken off, I planned about how to proceed, to keep my mom under her parents and sisters care for a few months to find a house because she never lived alone and me going to the office would be not right at that point of time. Go to his office, contact HR about the provident and gratuity and then proceed to bank formalities and the LIC stuff, all his work counterparts of departure. I did not cry but I saw everyone crying and I thought, okay, people normally would think I would cry my eyes out because I am sweet and sensitive and naïve. I was like dude it was just a dead body, my dad died yesterday itself. I actually said those words that seemed cold immediately after his death. It was nothing with the thought of what we call life; it was just a body that cannot even be used to transplantation because of cancer. I’m so sorry to say this but I am obsessed with cancer and I want to know everything there is to know to be found about it. Such a tiny, not meant to be blended cell. I saw a man who became from the healthiest and strongest being, transformed into a being of the suffering, diminishing every single second as I breathed and who turned to nothing, but eyes and jaw wide opened, pupils, dilated and dead. And nothing could bring any part of his life back. I knew life was meaningless, people want to love and happiness, but they can absolutely live without love, care, happiness. But people are annihilated because of pain my friend, whether physical or torture. True, all the medals, patents, money, family, the name could make life accountable, but none of it actually makes it worthwhile. A friend of mine, I believe I can say friend now, he asked to read Leo Tolstoy’s ‘A confession’ and I did. I knew life is meaningless, no amount of power, success could define the purpose of life. It just is. There is no purpose, but there is one thing that I can say. I had everything, I felt nothing, I had nothing and I still felt nothing in terms of winning. Even now, doing marvelously at work feels nothing, not because I don’t value it enough but because it doesn’t have any in the end. But if I can support too, the share is a big word, it is worthless, so if I could support a person to be able to just be there with his/her own pain, I thought it’s livable their life. All these years, I was doing that making my life livable, and for others too. No goal can ever make you survive. Only death does. Yes I wanted to end my life and I tired but I could have succeeded at it if I took rather messy options but I didn’t because they inflict a lot of physical pain. I didn’t care about my body, but my body did feel the pain, physical and mental too, I can’t describe it, sorry. I have no words or form for it yet. So, pain is very real and very implicate and unbearable even to end in a few ways. I see humans as a bunch of tiny cells that happened to form to communicate with each other as lumps. Who knows? We think we are clever, but the millions of bacteria around us do something that we don’t know every day in their minuscule quantum systems. We’re the size of bacteria is this whole universe. Who cares about the beginning of the end? At last, it is all just is. Existing. That’s it. A medium that doesn’t have a beginning and an end and we are floating apart or alone or together creating our own theories. But pain is very real. And that’s the only reason why I respect or consider only the ones that I think knew this pain as real deals.
We’re drifting from the title now, I’m going to save it for a whole new going to be an unlistened podcast. My dad sacrificed everything he thinks he has for my mother and me and created his own everything his way. He loved her, but he never told her. He was proud of her upbringing, but he never appreciated it enough. He valued her sacrifice of a government job back then when she was earning more than him when he asked her ‘come live with me and transfer’s going to take too long, take our daughter come and live with me, let’s be together at one place, every second that there is and that is to come,’ which she did, but he never showed that gratitude. He always asked her if she had dinner whenever he went away to some parties, but never tried to enter the kitchen. He never made her feel lonely, but he didn’t make sure that their daughter did not see it that way. He lived till his last moment to fight to live with her and his daughter but he never asked how they were living. He tried not to fight with her in front of his little girl, but then he kept all of it to himself. He saw himself as a man when he didn’t need anyone, but when he did, he saw her as a mother he never had. He loved his little girl, but he never told her about the greatest love of his life, he had the fortune of sharing his life with for 24 years. He brought his daughter like a real human, to face any brink of adversity, but failed to think that she doesn’t need a man until he saw his last moments with her. My mom fulfilled her emptiness with the love between my father and I and the love and care she had towards me, but I must say, I cannot see my mother away from us, my dad, I wish he was okay with being sensitive even when there were no needles around, I wish he was okay with being pointed for wrong, when my mother was right, I wish he let her be braver and he himself be brave to tell her that he loved her. So, mom, I am telling you today, you were the best thing that ever happened to dad, not me, you were his circulatory system, a part of him that he could never live with, and now he is gone, and you are with me, I am not telling you I’ll be you perfect daughter, by marrying and settling off with a guy and 2 kids. If I am going to have it, I will have it my way, where I need not prepare myself a lot to tell my husband, Genius jerk, I love you but to get there, I must make myself sufficient first and to that to happen, sorry your daughter is very unique. She wants to be all kinds of awesome things. So it will take time, for her to be sufficient. I am going to do an M.Tech and MBA, if people want to stay, they will otherwise they won’t. But if they do, I am never going to stop telling them I love them, even though I am at the peak of my dissociative behavior now. I went straight from a person who loved many who doesn’t love any. But my dad taught me humanity, above all, that people who are not blood-related, can be your mother, can be your father (he had a father figure, Rama Rao sir who helped him a lot, for whose demise he shed tears, that I saw from my father’s eyes for the first time in my life), can be your brother (like once upon a time like Joseph Uncle), can be anything that could lift you up and all because they loved and cared, on the other hand, he also taught me that blood relations can mean to nothing like my paternal family. I love you, dad, you are the man who loved my mom the most, the man who taught me to be myself and not anyone else, you taught me, love, you gave me pain everywhere, but most of all, you let me sleep on your lap every night before going to bed and wrapped your warm arms on my winter solstice birthday, you celebrated me and I will miss being a celebrity. I am sure my mom is also missing me being a celebrity in her own palace. Love, the Akira who’d always step into the obsolete dark, lights it up and goes into the darkness. I will always remember to appreciate love, at the same time not choke it and to help ease the pain in ways we could. Don’t worry I already got my own version of absolutely stunning brother with the amazing heart and strength that is unknown to him, Akshay, 9 days elder to me and friends for a lifetime, though I am helpless now, I’d want him to be by my side when I die and I’ll die before him and don’t ask me how. Friends for a lifetime, Gowtami, Chandana and Sneha too. Also, the responsible badass brother Prateek Bokade. I even have a person to look up to, Harsha Kuntur, a climate activist and awesome entrepreneur. I wish I knew the other Harsha too, but it seems he is also a kind soul that helps others build a life in his own way so we speak, I love my maternal family, not all, just my mom’s parents, sisters and their respective sons, husbands. That’s enough blood relation and of course, the ones who show me, love, at times most needed, Bhavana and Pratishtha without any pre-requisites. I am making more acquaintances. I still do love one guy, but I sort of erm, not focused on that as loving is in my hands, but reciprocation is not. So, dad, he is a friend of mine, for now, just a bit more than a stranger, erm, I fell during my denial, so, couldn’t actually rot away like I did with the first one-sided one, and I guess that’s ok. So, let's see. You rock on and thanks for introducing me to Michael Jackson and Kraftwerk, I knew you would have Taylor swift because she is a feminist and she is strong, but dammit, I love her way too much! Let's see if my life turns out to be on lines of Keanu Reeves or Taylor Swift. But I’ll give up sometimes, quit on things and people like did, but I won’t step back when it’s dark. Thanks for all the courage in the genes' love. I don’t think this is goodbye. So I’m done, I love you, bubyeee for now. I chose the title because it showed that he never knew how, he just went with what he knew he can, but forgot what he was capable of when it comes to love. A brave step aside from the self and ego would have created an entirely different timeline and then maybe I wouldn’t be here saying this. I hope it is not too late for any generation of its kind.
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Here is my life...(I sent this to my medical provider, Piedmont Healthcare)
I am sending this here because I can't get it to my medical team any other way. I can't afford ink for my printer, so I can't print the excerpt to hand it them, and it is too long to send in MyChart. My Care Team consists of Dr Sanjay Sarin, Dr Ashish Bhimani, Dr Garry McCulloch, Barbara Conlon, NP, and Hannah Folds, NP. Because I for some reason usually don't feel as terrible during my visits to the medical team, it seems like the day to day feeling shitty all the time isn't taken into account. Dr Sarin asks if I have gone to work every time I visit him, but I do well to walk across my living room many days, much less hold down a job. To give you all an idea what being Tommy Johns is like, I am including excerpts from my diary. It is a bit long, but shows pretty well what it is like being me. I don't have a death wish, so please don't try to do the psychiatric exam on me. I don't need one, and I will just quit Piedmont and go to another healthcare facility. ....................... ..Diary Excerpts 3 Before you get started on the diary, put something that mildly buzzes next to your ear. Keep it there a few minutes. That is one of the things I have going on 24/7/365, and have had it for 3 years (tinnitus). Now get a belt and tighten it as tight as you can by hand around your head. that is what I feel 24/7/365: My life changed drastically and unalterably in early October, 2015. I had gotten that terrible flu that went round Atlanta and did not understand or recognize it's severity until I felt as if I would not draw another breath. I woke up one Sunday morning unable to breathe. I could only breathe sitting straight up. Monday morning I made a doctor appointment with my general practitioner. To make a long story short, I ended up in the hospital in late October for the 1st of 14 times, sometimes only 5 days per stay, sometimes as long as 9 days (as of 5/23/2018). I remained in the hospital a week. The flu had developed into pneumonia, and bacteria from the pneumonia damaged my heart even more than the childhood illness did), causing congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart. Complications from these and from the medicines to combat it have also caused renal insufficiency and elevated liver enzymes. I am now on 9 medications to combat the diseases. I have also had two TIAs (mini strokes) and precancerous polyps were removed from my colon. To those who will be conducting and/or involved in my funeral: Don't spend any more money than necessary to bury me. If I am near death and someone finds me, don't use heroic measures to save me. Just keep me from as much pain as possible. It is in many respects difficult to contemplate death, but the facts and my present condition preclude a long life, so I will end this journey shortly. I am comforted by the words attributed to Julius Caesar in Shakespeare's novel: " Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear death, Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come." To be honest, I will be glad when this life of misery and pain is over. I wish it would have been different. I wish that all I had dreamed and aspired to had become reality. The circumstances have dealt a different path though. I have taken a very different road in life than I ever would have imagined. There is so much to say: The loss of broken and unrealized dreams, expectations unfilled, life cut short. I hope my ramblings on Facebook, Twitter and tumblr, and my encounters on this journey called life have had a positive impact on someone, and that I have made a positive difference in someone's life. I will keep a diary starting on page two of this document. I hope to live a long life, but It doesn't seem like that is to be. I have made some tremendous mistakes in my life, but hope the good I have done outweighs the bad. There isn't a day that goes by when I am not saddened unbearably by losing the love of family. To everyone, I love you. Diary: 10/18/2016. I felt pretty fair throughout most of the day, although I haven't slept a lot. I haven't really kept track but I believe I slept about 4 hours from 4:30am until 8:30am, then from about 2:30pm until 4:30pm. I feel like sh*t now. Weak, heart beating hard... I think nearly every day about not living through this any more...Congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart - it is a bitch to live with - no energy, no stamina, hurting or in some type of discomfort constantly. 10/19/2016 Another day feeling like total sh*t. What else is there to say? 10/20/2016 I feel a little bit better today - still no energy to speak of. I hurt my back, so am dealing with that in addition to everything else. I stay tired and sleepy nearly all the time... 10/21/2016 Can't sleep. Heart racing, lungs feel tight. 10/22/2016 went back on Proventil inhaler. I think last dose was about 10:45pm 10/21/2016. Have to wait another hour for another dose. can't breathe. Weak stomach tight/bloated. have dry cough. able to sleep 5 hours after 2nd dose of Proventil. Still no energy, no stamina. Throat and mouth dry. slept another 3 hours. Ear infection is back. Ear infection is bothering the hell out of me. Constant ringing. a little sick - don't know if it is from ear infection or other malady - had runny stool several times yesterday. Lost my appetite. Got prescriptions and started back taking them. I hope it gets me feeling better. Kevin's arraignment was Wednesday - charged with felony marijuana possession, misdemeanor marijuana possession, and drug paraphernalia. Finally getting a little hungry. Ate 1/2 Big Mac large meal earlier; Will finish it. Lasix is working me over. 10/23/2016 hard to breathe - can't sleep well. yet am almost overpoweringly sleepy. I finally got a little sleep - about 5 hours. Stomach is cramping, still no energy, no stamina. 10/24/2016 Woke up early - hard to breathe. don't have stamina or energy for sh*t. Get extremely tired when sitting in a chair and need to lie down and rest, but it takes a long time to sleep - if I am able to - because it is hard to breathe lying down. made a doctor's appointment for Thursday at 3:30pm. 10/25/2016 same as yesterday. may be getting a little worse. 10/26/2016 my worst day yet. same as the days above, but can't get relief even for a moment. Constant pain and discomfort, tightening band around my head - helluva headache 11/8/2016 Still feel nauseous about 3/4 of the day each day. Doctors think it is the medicine that makes me sick: Indications for some of the meds say will make you sick. Kevin still has shitty attitude. He doesn't get it that he will need to impress the hell out of the jailers to get conditional release program. 11/11/2016 Sick as sh*t. I hope that is what is causing me to be so confrontational with people rather than me turning into an a**hole. I went off on Jecca. Got jealous because she contacted an old boyfriend of hers. Turns out he called her because he has some type of injury to his hand and foot and wanted some sympathy. I told her if she continues contact with him I would start hanging with sluts and send her pictures. I told him I would stomp his ass if he kept contacting her. I got pretty nasty with her before we finally made up and resolved it. 11/12/2016 I have been off the diary except sporadically for a while. I thought I was getting better: No such luck. Started driving to class today and threw up all over myself and my car. I am extremely nauseous, and have a tremendous headache. I get hungry as hell, but then get full after only two or three bites of food. Death would be a blessing. No energy, listless, no ambition, no drive. Headaches are the norm for me, and the ear infection is chronic with constant tinnitus. 11/13/2016 pretty much the same as yesterday. a general feeling of malaise, nauseated. 12/4/2016 I was invited to Christmas dinner. I hope I can have the energy to go. It is getting to the point I don’t even want to be around anyone. I just want to be in the comfort of my own home. Becoming even more of a recluse than normal. New medication regimen seems to be working a little better. Still feel weak and sleepy most of the time. I guess tinnitus will be permanent. 12/12/2016 Was invited to a show free of charge to sell my jewelry. I don’t have the stamina to set up my display, much less be there several hours. Headaches are normal, and tinnitus is constant. 4 days now with no sleep. Period. Zilch. Nada. Bupkis. 12/24/2016 I can’t make it to the Christmas dinner I was invited to. I don’t have the energy to go. Staying home and cooking chicken with vegetables. 11/14/2017 It has been a long time since the last entry, but what's the point? At least by reading it I discover again the pain and shitty feeling all the time are not new. I don't know what the merit is in that, but it makes me feel like maybe I am not getting worse: I just get the unparalleled joy of feeling like total ** all the time: Nausea - constant; headache - constant; tinnitus - constant. It is all 24/7/ 365 until I manage to sleep for a little while - 3 or if I'm lucky, 4 hours at a time. YIPPEE!!! On a different note, Jecca and I are no longer together. When I incurred tremendous financial burdens because of the CHF, she no longer wanted to stick around. It has really done a number on me emotionally, but on the other hand, it wouldn't be fair to want her to stick around and watch me die, becoming a widow in the prime of her life. I would like at my funeral, Crossing the Bar read during the service: Crossing the Bar BY ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON Sunset and evening star, And one clear call for me! And may there be no moaning of the bar, When I put out to sea, But such a tide as moving seems asleep, Too full for sound and foam, When that which drew from out the boundless deep Turns again home. Twilight and evening bell, And after that the dark! And may there be no sadness of farewell, When I embark; For tho’ from out our bourne of Time and Place The flood may bear me far, I hope to see my Pilot face to face When I have cross’d the bar. 9/12/2018 It has been quite a while since my last entry, but each day is rehash of every other day. To add to the fun of my life, My right shoulder has started hurting and I am in excruciating pain. It is from an old exercise injury from doing back arm pushups, when I tore my rotator cuff. I can't afford another doctor bill, and have to live with it. 10/22/2018 My shoulder still hurts. I can barely lift it shoulder high, and it wakes me up hurting like hell. I only sleep 2 or 3 hours at a time because of it, and have to move it with my left hand until I am awake a little while and it limbers up again. The Tylenol the doctors told me I can take for pain aint sh*t...I might as well be taking Gummy Bears for pain... I started an online ministry - not much participation - only 24 members after a few months, but I post sermons and positive thoughts for the day, most of the time twice a day on the positive thoughts.. Well, I will stop blubbering. Nothing can change, unless I somehow have the good fortune of being hit by a Mack truck or a meteor falling from the sky to put me out of my misery, or something like that. Yippee ki yay. Anecdote: I may seem at times to not have much patience with people when they have their little foibles. I am not cold hearted, and have tremendous empathy when people are truly in pain or have grief. It is the little mundane bs that people grouse about that annoys me.
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Not to get ll maudlin and shit, but if I seem impatient sometimes,...well, here is an excerpt from my diary, started when I contracted Congestive Heart Failure and Atrial Fibrillation...
Diary Excerpts 3 The background story really starts in my childhood: I contracted Rheumatic Fever when I was 9 years old, a disease that left me with a damaged valve in my heart, and a slight heart murmur. Before you get started on the diary, put something that mildly buzzes next to your ear. Keep it there a few minutes. That is one of the things I have going on 24/7/365, and have had it for 3 years (tinnitus). Now get a belt and tighten it as tight as you can by hand around your head. that is what I feel 24/7/365: My life changed drastically and unalterably in early October, 2015. I had gotten that terrible flu that went round Atlanta and did not understand or recognize it's severity until I felt as if I would not draw another breath. I woke up one Sunday morning unable to breathe. I could only breathe sitting straight up. Monday morning I made a doctor appointment with my general practitioner. To make a long story short, I ended up in the hospital in late October for the 1st of 11 times, sometimes only 5 days per stay, sometiems as long as 9 days (as of 5/23/2018). I remained in the hospital a week. The flu had developed into pneumonia, and bacteria from the pneumonia damaged my heart even more than the childhood illness did), causing congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart. Complications from these and from the medicines to combat it have also caused renal insufficiency and elevated liver enzymes. I am now on 9 medications to combat the diseases. I have also had two TIAs (mini strokes) and precancerous polyps were removed from my colon. To those who will be conducting and/or involved in my funeral: Don't spend any more money than necessary to bury me. If I am near death and someone finds me, don't use heroic measures to save me. Just keep me from as much pain as possible. It is in many respects difficult to contemplate death, but the facts and my present condition preclude a long life, so I will end this journey shortly. I am comforted by the words attributed to Julius Caeser in Shakespeare's novel: " Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear death, Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come." To be honest, I will be glad when this life of misery and pain is over. I wish it would have been different. I wish that all I had dreamed and aspired to had become reality. The circumstances have dealt a different path though. I have taken a very different road in life than I ever would have imagined. There is so much to say: The loss of broken and unrealized dreams, expectations unfilled, life cut short. I hope my ramblings on Facebook, Twitter and tumblr, and my encounters on this journey called life have had a positive impact on someone, and that I have made a positive difference in someone's life. I will keep a diary starting on page two of this document. I hope to live a long life, but It doesn't seem like that is to be. I have made some tremendous mistakes in my life, but hope the good I have done outweighs the bad. There isn't a day that goes by when I am not saddened unbearably by losing the love of family. To everyone, I love you.
Diary: 10/18/2016. I felt pretty fair throughout most of the day, although I haven't slept a lot. I haven't really kept track but I believe I slept about 4 hours from 4:30am until 8:30am, then from about 2:30pm until 4:30pm. I feel like **** now. Weak, heart beating hard... I think nearly every day about not living through this any more...Congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart - it is a bitch to live with - no energy, no stamina, hurting or in some type of discomfort constantly. 10/20/2016 I feel a little bit better today - still no energy to speak of. I hurt my back, so am dealing with that in addition to everything else. I think I have made contact with someone - a public defender - who can help Kevin. I stay tired and sleepy nearly all the time... 10/21/2016 Can't sleep. Heart racing, lungs feel tight. 10/22/2016 went back on Proventil inhaler. I think last dose was about 10:45pm 10/21/2016. Have to wait another hour for another dose. can't breathe. Weak stomach tight/bloated. have dry cough. able to sleep 5 hours after 2nd dose of Proventil. Still no energy, no stamina. Throat and mouth dry. slept another 3 hours. Ear infection is back. Ear infection is bothering the hell out of me. Constant ringing. a little sick - don't know if it is from ear infection or other malady - had runny stool several times yesterday. Lost my appetite. Got prescriptions and started back taking them. I hope it gets me feeling better. Kevin's arraignment was Wednesday - charged with felony marijuana possession, misdemeanor marijuana possession, and drug paraphernalia. Finally getting a little hungry. Ate 1/2 Big Mac large meal earlier; Will finish it. Lasix is working me over. 10/23/2016 hard to breathe - can't sleep well. yet am almost overpoweringly sleepy. I finally got a little sleep - about 5 hours. Stomach is cramping, still no energy, no stamina. 10/24/2016 Woke up early - hard to breathe. don't have stamina or energy for ****. Get extremely tired when sitting in a chair and need to lie down and rest, but it takes a long time to sleep - if I am able to - because it is hard to breathe lying down. made a doctor's appointment for Thursday at 3:30pm. 10/25/2016 same as yesterday. may be getting a little worse. 10/26/2016 my worst day yet. same as the days above, but can't get relief even for a moment. Constant pain and discomfort, tightening band around my head - helluva headache 11/8/2016 Still feel nauseous about 3/4 of the day each day. Doctors think it is the medicine that makes me sick: Indications for some of the meds say will make you sick. Kevin still has shitty attitude. He doesn't get it that he will need to impress the hell out of the jailers to get conditional release program. 11/11/2016 Sick as ****. I hope that is what is causing me to be so confrontational with people rather than me turning into an a**hole. I went off on Jecca. Got jealous because she contacted an old boyfriend of hers. Turns out he called her because he has some type of injury to his hand and foot and wanted some sympathy. I told her if she continues contact with him I would start hanging with sluts and send her pictures. I told him I would stomp his ass if he kept contacting her. I got pretty nasty with her before we finally made up and resolved it. 11/12/2016 I have been off the diary except sporadically for a while. I thought I was getting better: No such luck. Started driving to class today and threw up all over myself and my car. I am extremely nauseous, and have a tremendous headache. I get hungry as hell, but then get full after only two or three bites of food. Death would be a blessing. No energy, listless, no ambition, no drive. Headaches are the norm for me, and the ear infection is chronic with constant tinnitus. 11/13/2016 pretty much the same as yesterday. a general feeling of malaise, nauseated. 12/4/2016 I was invited to Christmas dinner. I hope I can have the energy to go. It is getting to the point I don’t even want to be around anyone. I just want to be in the comfort of my own home. Becoming even more of a recluse than normal. New medication regimen seems to be working a little better. Still feel weak and sleepy most of the time. I guess tinnitus will be permanent. 12/12/2016 Was invited to a show free of charge to sell my jewelry. I don’t have the stamina to set up my display, much less be there several hours. Headaches are normal, and tinnitus is constant. 4 days now with no sleep. Period. Zilch. Nada. Bupkiss. 12/24/2016 I can’t make it to the Christmas dinner I was invited to. I don’t have the energy to go. Staying home and cooking chicken with vegetables. 11/14/2017 It has been a long time since the last entry, but what's the point? At least by reading it I discover again the pain and shitty feeling all the time are not new. I don't know what the merit is in that, but it makes me feel like maybe I am not getting worse: I just get the unparralled joy of feeling like total **** all the time: Nausea - constant; headache - constant; tinitus - constant. It is all 24/7/ 365 until I manage to sleep for a little while - 3 or if I'm lucky, 4 hours at a time. YIPPEE!!! On a different note, Jecca and I are no longer together. When I incurred tremendous financial burdens because of the CHF, she no longer wanted to stick around. It has really done a number on me emotionally, but on the other hand, it wouldn't be fair to want her to stick around and watch me die, becoming a widow in the prime of her life. I would like at my funeral, Crossing the Bar read during the service: Crossing the Bar BY ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON Sunset and evening star, And one clear call for me! And may there be no moaning of the bar, When I put out to sea,
But such a tide as moving seems asleep, Too full for sound and foam, When that which drew from out the boundless deep Turns again home.
Twilight and evening bell, And after that the dark! And may there be no sadness of farewell, When I embark;
For tho’ from out our bourne of Time and Place The flood may bear me far, I hope to see my Pilot face to face When I have cross’d the bar. I started an online ministry - not much participation - only 22 members after a few months, but I post sermons and positive thoughts for the day, most of the time twice a day on the positive thoughts. Well, I will stop blubbering and blathering now. Nothing can change, unless I somehow have the good fortune of being hit by a Mack truck or a meteor falling from the sky to put me out of my misery, or something like that. Yippee kayay. Anecdote: I may seem at times to not have much patience with people when they have their little foibles. I am not cold hearted, and have tremendous empathy when people are truly in pain or have grief. It is the little mundane bs that people grouse about that annoys me. My sister died when she was 15 and I was 16, from leukemia. My youngest brother died when he was 3 and I was 17, from aplastic anemia. My other brother died when he was 45 and I was 53, from a lifetime of alcohol and drug abuse. Both my parents died several years ago, and I am the only one left in my original family, and the only close relative I have is my son, who is now 30 yrs old. My girlfriend at the time (1977) died in my arms because she had been to a party and OD'd from booting cocaine. I was driving north on I-285 just north of Atlanta in 1984 when I saw a car lose control and t-bone another one, splitting it into. They both burst into flames. I was just behind them and drove through the flames, stopped and tried to rescue the people I saw burning in one of the cars. I couldn't get in to them because the flames had engulfed the car and I had to watch them burn, unable to help. I was driving on a state highway near my house when I was still a teenager and saw a car lose control and run into a delivery truck. The truck flipped over on its top, and the car slid in a ditch. When I got to the car (this was before padded steering wheels and air bags) I found the driver with part of the steering wheel sticking out of his throat. Both occupants were dying. All this is to say I have seen far more than my share of death and I have no patience with people who complain about little mundane things. On the other side of the fortune coin, I lost control of my car during a rain storm in which I ran over a board with a nail in it and blew out a tire in the rain slick highway: I rolled several times and was hit with the car jack in the head before coming to a stop at the bottom of a 27 foot embankment, but was not seriously injured. I was with a group of musicians in 1969 during the Piedmont Arts Festival in Atlanta, when we drove to the countryside with 3 cases of Red Ripple wine, using them as seats. The driver lost control of the van and we rolled several times down an embankment, and all but two bottles of wine broke. None of us were seriously injured. So forgive me if sometimes am a bit impatient and high strung. A friend once said, "Don't sweat the small stuff".
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To those who love to post memes and articles that you should be grateful for life no matter what your circumstances, I am constantly bewildered by people who take the stance that life is precious and must be maintained at all costs. I submit that there are fates much worse than death, and that life lived in constant pain is not a life that is sustainable. I contracted Congestive Heart Failure and Atrial Fibrillation 3 years ago, and to be frank, have felt like shit ever since. I have diary excerpts that detail some of this... Unfortunately it is painful and difficult. I assume you want the truth. I am drowning in my own fluids and my organs are failing from lack of blood flow. Breathing is both impossibly difficult/strained and painful. I have been in the hospital 11 times during these past 3 years. I had a pretty good job that I had to quit because I couldn't even take the strain of commuting to work, much less putting in an 8 hour day. A fish out of water, short of breathe all the time. All the organs are progressively shutting down. As the kidneys and liver fail, waste products build up…it's a vicious spiral downward. Many people die of arrythmia, Sudden Cardiac Arrest leading to what is termed Sudden Cardiac Death. SCD is usually from Ventricular Tachycardia leading to, or Ventricular Fibrillation. This can occur fairly early once a diagnosis of CHF/HF is made. Only in the end stages, if one survives long enough… pump failure… everything shuts down. Confusion sets in. People “sleep” progressively longer elevated by pillows, or in a chair.. Gasping for air, lungs crackling. Ugh. So, while you are posting all the feel good messages about how grateful we should all be for our lives, that someone else's is worse...well I don't wish this on anyone. The commplications I have from CHF and AFib now also include renal insufficency and elevated liver enzymes. Death, when it comes, will not be kind. I will suffocate in my own body fluids, and my ICD (implanted cardiac device - defibrillator) will jump start my heart with severe electric shocks which have been likened to being kicked in the chest by a mule, until the battery runs out, about 40 to 50 severe electric shocks...
Diary Excerpts 3 Before you get started on the diary, put something that mildly buzzes next to your ear. Keep it there a few minutes. That is one of the things I have going on 24/7/365, and have had it for 3 years (tinnitus). Now get a belt and tighten it as tight as you can by hand around your head. that is what I feel 24/7/365: Every single day at least 15 to 20 minutes and often all day long, I feel nauseous. My life changed drastically and unalterably in early October, 2015. I had gotten that terrible flu that went round Atlanta and did not understand or recognize it's severity until I felt as if I would not draw another breath. I woke up one Sunday morning unable to breathe. I could only breathe sitting straight up. Monday morning I made a doctor appointment with my general practitioner. To make a long story short, I ended up in the hospital in late October for the 1st of 11 times, sometimes only 5 days per stay, sometiems as long as 9 days (as of 9/29/2018). I remained in the hospital a week. The flu had developed into pneumonia, and bacteria from the pneumonia damaged my heart even more than the childhood illness did), causing congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart. Complications from these and from the medicines to combat it have also caused renal insuffiency and elevated liver enzymes. I am now on 9 medications to combat the diseases. I have also had two TIAs (mini strokes) and precancerous polyps were removed from my colon. To those who will be conducting and/or involved in my funeral: Don't spend any more money than necessary to bury me. If I am near death and someone finds me, don't use heroic measures to save me. Just keep me from as much pain as possible. It is in many respects difficult to contemplate death, but the facts and my present condition preclude a long life, so I will end this journey shortly. I am comforted by the words attributed to Julius Caeser in Shakespeare's novel: " Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear death, Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come." To be honest, I will be glad when this life of misery and pain is over. I wish it would have been different. I wish that all I had dreamed and aspired to had become reality. The circumstances have dealt a different path though. I have taken a very different road in life than I ever would have imagined. There is so much to say: The loss of broken and unrealized dreams, expectations unfilled, life cut short. I hope my ramblings on Facebook, Twitter and tumblr, and my encounters on this journey called life have had a positive impact on someone, and that I have made a positive difference in someone's life. I will keep a diary starting on page two of this document. I hope to live a long life, but It doesn't seem like that is to be. I have made some tremendous mistakes in my life, but hope the good I have done outweighs the bad. There isn't a day that goes by when I am not saddened unbearably by losing the love of family. To everyone, I love you.
Diary: 10/18/2016. I felt pretty fair throughout most of the day, although I haven't slept a lot. I haven't really kept track but I believe I slept about 4 hours from 4:30am until 8:30am, then from about 2:30pm until 4:30pm. I feel like **** now. Weak, heart beating hard... I think nearly every day about not living through this any more...Congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart - it is a bitch to live with - no energy, no stamina, hurting or in some type of discomfort constantly. 10/19/2016 Another day feeling like total ****. 10/20/2016 I feel a little bit better today - still no energy to speak of. I hurt my back, so am dealing with that in addition to everything else. I stay tired and sleepy nearly all the time... 10/21/2016 Can't sleep. Heart racing, lungs feel tight. 10/22/2016 went back on Proventil inhaler. I think last dose was about 10:45pm 10/21/2016. Have to wait another hour for another dose. can't breathe. Weak stomach tight/bloated. have dry cough. able to sleep 5 hours after 2nd dose of Proventil. Still no energy, no stamina. Throat and mouth dry. slept another 3 hours. Ear infection is back. Ear infection is bothering the hell out of me. Constant ringing. a little sick - don't know if it is from ear infection or other malady - had runny stool several times yesterday. Lost my appetite. Got prescriptions and started back taking them. I hope it gets me feeling better. Kevin's arraignment was Wednesday - charged with felony marijuana possession, misdemeanor marijuana possession, and drug paraphernalia. Finally getting a little hungry. Ate 1/2 Big Mac large meal earlier; Will finish it. Lasix is working me over. 10/23/2016 hard to breathe - can't sleep well. yet am almost overpoweringly sleepy. I finally got a little sleep - about 5 hours. Stomach is cramping, still no energy, no stamina. 10/24/2016 Woke up early - hard to breathe. don't have stamina or energy for ****. Get extremely tired when sitting in a chair and need to lie down and rest, but it takes a long time to sleep - if I am able to - because it is hard to breathe lying down. made a doctor's appointment for Thursday at 3:30pm. 10/25/2016 same as yesterday. may be getting a little worse. 10/26/2016 my worst day yet. same as the days above, but can't get relief even for a moment. Constant pain and discomfort, tightening band around my head - helluva headache 11/8/2016 Still feel nauseous about 3/4 of the day each day. Doctors think it is the medicine that makes me sick: Indications for some of the meds say will make you sick. 11/11/2016 Sick as ****. I hope that is what is causing me to be so confrontational with people rather than me turning into an a**hole. I went off on Jecca. Got jealous because she contacted an old boyfriend of hers. Turns out he called her because he has some type of injury to his hand and foot and wanted some sympathy. I told her if she continues contact with him I would start hanging with sluts and send her pictures. I told him I would stomp his ass if he kept contacting her. I got pretty nasty with her before we finally made up and resolved it. 11/12/2016 I have been off the diary except sporadically for a while. I thought I was getting better: No such luck. Started driving to class today and threw up all over myself and my car. I am extremely nauseous, and have a tremendous headache. I get hungry as hell, but then get full after only two or three bites of food. Death would be a blessing. No energy, listless, no ambition, no drive. Headaches are the norm for me, and the ear infection is chronic with constant tinnitus. 11/13/2016 pretty much the same as yesterday. a general feeling of malaise, nauseated. 12/4/2016 I was invited to Christmas dinner. I hope I can have the energy to go. It is getting to the point I don’t even want to be around anyone. I just want to be in the comfort of my own home. Becoming even more of a recluse than normal. New medication regimen seems to be working a little better. Still feel weak and sleepy most of the time. I guess tinnitus will be permanent. 12/12/2016 Was invited to a show free of charge to sell my jewelry. I don’t have the stamina to set up my display, much less be there several hours. Headaches are normal, and tinnitus is constant. 4 days now with no sleep. Period. Zilch. Nada. Bupkiss. 12/24/2016 I can’t make it to the Christmas dinner I was invited to. I don’t have the energy to go. Staying home and cooking chicken with vegetables. 11/14/2017 It has been a long time since the last entry, but what's the point? At least by reading it I discover again the pain and shitty feeling all the time are not new. I don't know what the merit is in that, but it makes me feel like maybe I am not getting worse: I just get the unparralled joy of feeling like total **** all the time: Nausea - constant; headache - constant; tinitus - constant. It is all 24/7/ 365 until I manage to sleep for a little while - 3 or if I'm lucky, 4 hours at a time. YIPPEE!!! On a different note, Jecca and I are no longer together. When I incurred tremendous financial burdens because of the CHF, she no longer waned to stick around. It has really done a number on me emotionally, but on the other hand, it wouldn't be fair to want her to stick around and watch me die, becoming a widow in the prime of her life. I would like at my funeral, Crossing the Bar read during the service: Crossing the Bar BY ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON Sunset and evening star, And one clear call for me! And may there be no moaning of the bar, When I put out to sea,
But such a tide as moving seems asleep, Too full for sound and foam, When that which drew from out the boundless deep Turns again home.
Twilight and evening bell, And after that the dark! And may there be no sadness of farewell, When I embark;
For tho’ from out our bourne of Time and Place The flood may bear me far, I hope to see my Pilot face to face When I have cross’d the bar. I started an online ministry - not much participation - only 22 members after a few months, but I post sermons and positive thoughts for the day, most of the time twice a day on the positive thoughts. Well, I will stop blubbering and blathering now. Nothing can change, unless I somehow have the good fortune of being hit by a Mack truck or a meteor falling from the sky to put me out of my misery, or something like that. Yippee kayay. Anecdote: I may seem at times to not have much patience with people when they have their little foibles. I am not cold hearted, and have tremendous empathy when people are truly in pain or have grief. It is the little mundane bs that people grouse about that annoys me. So forgive me if sometimes am a bit impatient and high strung. you may share this with others if it will be a testimony or can help with anything.
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