#can count on one hand the number of times i've experienced like? THAT kind of feeling irl

[dordey]

,

[kpopsexstories]

Hiiiiiii would you do Jisung (nct) and older woman? 👀 your jeno one was sooooo goooddd

I'm glad you liked Jeno with an older woman 😊 I can do a Jisung one too!

I've imagined Jisung as much more inexperienced compared to Jeno, but with an older woman teaching him even Jisung can be amazing in bed 😏 I hope you like it!

One-shot #6 (requested): NCT Jisung has sex with an older woman

Celebrity: NCT Jisung

Content: Sweet/cute, Missionary, From behind, Sitting, Fingering, Female orgasm, Innocent & inexperienced Jisung fucking an older un-named woman

Type of Sex: MEDIUM/STEAMY

Word Count: 5.7k

They say that age is just a number. In Jisung's case, he was too young to realize that when it comes to sex, that is not at all true.

You see, the sex he had with a woman significantly older than himself set the bar high for him, and he struggled to replicate the experience in the years to come. But it was only when he was much older and wiser himself that he understood just why the sex had been so incredible. It was because the woman knew her own body, and understood what a boy like Jisung wanted. That kind of experience can only come with age.

Even a young person can have lots of sex, and thus be considered experienced in the field. But only time can nurture and mature that experience. To a young man at the start of his own sexual prime, being subjected to that experience can be magical.

That was exactly the case for Jisung and his older lover. He was young, relatively inexperienced, and had only ever been with girls his own age. Those girls were not bad, but they lacked a certain skillset. They didn't fully know their own bodies, and neither did he.

This older woman, however, could almost read his mind. She knew exactly how to make him feel relaxed, what he wanted but was too afraid to ask for, and how to get what she desired too. To the boy, the sex that came out of their night together was nothing short of extraordinary.

Jisung sat down on the bed, his knees close together and feet on the floor. He nervously folded his hands in his lap to cover the bulge in his sweatpants, and chewed on the string of his over-sized hoodie. It was a nasty habit he had picked up, which he turned to whenever he didn't know what to do with his body.

The woman, who shall remain nameless, was in the bathroom. With a seductive smile she had said that she needed a minute to get ready. Jisung had several ideas in his head about what that meant, but wasn't at all sure that it wasn't just wishful thinking.

He felt fairly certain, however, that they were about to have sex. It was why he had agreed to come to her place to begin with. The hope and prospect of getting his dick wet enticed him, and the woman's eagerness fascinated him. Girls his own age were typically not as keen and straight-forward.

Jisung was in deep thought when she finally returned to the bedroom. She stood in the doorway, resting a hand on her hip while leaning against the frame.

Jisung's eyes widened and the string fell out of his mouth. She presented herself in nothing but a black thong and bra. The boner between his legs instantly grew to full size, and a rush of arousal came over him when it pressed against his hands.

Holy fuck! he thought, but tried hard to stay calm and collected.

His facial expression gave him away though, and the woman smiled wide. I've still got it, she thought triumphantly.

It had already been clear to her that Jisung was not experienced. It had taken some work to convince him to come, not because he didn't want to, but because he worried about what their encounter meant. As much as his dick wanted this, the prospect of meeting the woman in her home made his mind uneasy.

She realized this, and understood how insecure he must be feeling. His comfort and pleasure was now her top priority. She wanted to feel loved and desired, and for that to happen she needed to make the boy feel safe and relaxed.

Her naked entrance was a great start to get him hooked. Jisung was about to enter a new world, and she would teach him right. She was about to show him how great sex between two consenting adults could be, but it was crucial that she didn't move too fast or she might scare him away.

Slowly, she approached the boy on the bed. She stopped right beside him, her mature figure towering above his youthful body.

Jisung stared straight ahead, too frightened to look at the laced thong and bra. The woman placed her fingers on his chin, and gently pulled his gaze up toward her eyes.

“Do you want to touch me?” she asked softly.

“Yeah,” Jisung said without moving a muscle.

She grabbed his wrist and guided his large hand to her hip. She pressed his fingers against her skin, and moved the hand slowly up and down.

Then, she held out the other and nodded for Jisung to take it. He hesitated, but eventually removed the protective palm from his crotch. His desire to explore was stronger than his need to hide his dick.

With both hands on her body, Jisung relaxed his legs and turned slightly sideways. The further his hands ventured, the closer he dared to get to the older woman. Soon he was feeling her up without her aid, while gawking at the thin piece of fabric that covered the gap between her thighs. Her experienced pussy was right next to his innocent little face.

The woman began to show signs of desire too. She wanted to show Jisung how good his hands on her body made her feel, and exaggerated the reaction to his touch. She closed her eyes and moaned seductively, spread her legs slightly and swayed her hips for his pleasure. It was all a show to make him feel like he was doing the most amazing job, and encourage him to keep going.

The trick worked. Jisung's fingers eventually ventured from her soft stomach to just below her breasts. While staring directly at her clothed pussy, his fingers climbed up the edge of the bra, until they squeezed the full size of her bosom.

“Mmm,” the woman moaned above his head. “Oh yeah, touch me Jisung.”

She moved her hips in broader motions, and felt herself with her hands. The more enthralled Jisung became, the deeper his ass sank into the mattress.

They got incredibly close. For a split second, his nose brushed against her panties. This prompted him to retract slightly, which in turn made her look down at him.

Their eyes met. She could see the fear and uncertainty in his face, but also his lust and the saliva forming in the corner of his mouth.

To help him stay in the moment, the woman grabbed his arms. She slowly raised them up, and Jisung let her. He straightened his spine and the woman decided that it was time for the next step: to get the young man naked in her bed.

She pinched the seams of his sleeves and pulled. Jisung leaned slightly backwards to help her. His head disappeared into the hoodie, and his thin tummy presented itself. The higher she pulled and the further he leaned back, the more of his slim body was revealed.

Soon enough, Jisung was sitting shirtless and cold, but incredibly hot and horny. He observed the woman when she tossed his shirt aside.

“Is this okay?” she asked and let her eyes wander over his chest and bellybutton.

“Yeah,” Jisung replied.

“Just relax,” she said and leaned down.

She grabbed his biceps and gently squeezed them, prompting him to soften his tense muscles. He lowered his arms from his bare chest, letting his guard down.

“Okay,” Jisung said. His hands rested by his sides on the bed.

The woman looked at him curiously. Her face approached his. Once again she gently raised his chin, and looked him straight in the eye.

Then they kissed. A long, sloppy merger of hot lips. Jisung instinctively closed his eyes, and clutched the bed sheets with his fists.

She used tongue. A lot of it. It ventured into his mouth to the sound of wet lips smacking together.

For the first time, it was her turn to touch him. She placed a hand on his bare shoulder while they made out, then let it glide across his chest and over his nipples.

Jisung immediately became all warm inside, though he felt a cold sensation when a hard piece of metal pressed against his skin. He had never noticed the silver ring around her finger.

Her aging hands touched him with just the right pressure, which made him feel both calm and incredibly aroused. A part of him wanted to sink into the mattress and give himself over entirely to the woman. Another wanted to leap up at her and attack her with passion. A third wanted to freeze in place, too stunned by the magic she subjected him to.

Yet they had hardly even started. There was far more to come, and Jisung couldn't even begin to imagine the amazing intimacy they were about to share.

The woman's hand stopped on his firm abs, just above the seam of his sweatpants. From there, it ventured sideways around his skinny waist, when she stopped kissing him and slowly lowered her body onto his.

Her lips moved down his neck and shoulders. Jisung placed his hands behind him and leaned on his long arms. He looked down at the colored hair on the top of her head, while she knelt beside the bed and wet his chest with her tongue.

She placed a hand on his thigh and gently pushed it away from her. Jisung got the hint. He spread his legs, to allow her body to come in between them.

He became wide-eyed and bewildered, excited yet scared. He knew where she was going. His boner was still covered by his pants, but now that her attention approached the general area of his sensitive part, a nervous feeling once again came over him. It was a feeling of uncertainty and self-awareness, and a fear of being a disappointment to his much older lover. I this moment, he felt like he had no idea what they were doing.

Still, he wasn't about to stop her. He wanted her to touch every bit of his naked body. He wanted to stick his dick inside her pussy, and make love to the woman until he bust inside her. His youthful lust prevailed over a nagging feeling that he didn't belong in the room in the first place.

“Relax,” the woman whispered and looked up at his face, as if she could read his mind. “It's okay.”

Jisung smiled down at her, and caught a glimpse of the breasts in the bra dangling above his torso.

When the woman's knees touched the floor, her head was directly above Jisung's crotch. She placed her hands on his chest, and smiled at him while they slowly moved all the way down to his sweatpants.

She grabbed the seams around his hips. She lowered her gaze to see the outline of his cock. She stuck her fingers inside the pants and pulled, slowly as if to make sure Jisung was indeed ready for all of this.

He certainly was. He wanted it with all his heart. Oh boy, did he want it.

Slightly, he raised his ass to allow the pants to come down. The woman lifted the seam to set the dick free. Its head appeared, hard and pulsing against the lower part of his stomach.

“Mmm,” the woman moaned seductively, as if she was most impressed by the sight. She would have made the same sound regardless. It was part of the show, another technique to make Jisung feel good about himself and wanting for more.

The dick was thin and straight. The veins on the shaft were clear. Jisung's young heart and body were hungry, and on full alert.

Wow, he thought. I can't believe a woman like her wants me.

Wow, she thought too. I can't believe a man like him wants me.

The pants slid down on Jisung's thighs. The seams stretched wide and his knees pressed harder together against the sides of her body.

The woman placed a gentle hand on his waist, and touched his v-line with the other. She reached for the cock. Jisung's eyes widened further still when her fingers touched it. A magnificent sensation of lust shot out from his groin and filled his body with pleasure and desire.

He repositioned his arms and leaned on his elbows. He bent his neck to still be able to see, while the woman kissed the tip of his manhood and glanced in his direction.

She smiled. A soft, gorgeous smile that would make any young man come in his pants.

Then she stuck her tongue out. She grabbed the shaft by the root and pointed the dick straight up. She licked its length, and placed her lips in an O-shape around the head.

Slowly, she lowered her head between Jisung's legs. The lubricated shaft slid inside her mouth. She squeezed her lips tightly around it and sucked, and occasionally looked up to observe Jisung's reaction.

She played around with her tongue, its coarse surface touching every bit of his hot meat. She bobbed her head up and down. Jisung got his first ever blowjob, and damn did it feel good.

For the first time this night, Jisung suddenly let out an audible gasp. He was being brought to the edge, and the woman quickly raised her head and freed the dick from her lips.

It fell onto his stomach with a gentle smack.

“Was that good?” she asked. It was a rethorical question.

“Yeah,” Jisung said, and also for the first time, he managed a smile. His body was now fully relaxed.

The woman smiled to herself, pleased with having gotten this far. She waddled a step backwards on her knees and closed Jisung's legs.

“You know,” she said and pinched the sides of his pants. “When I was your age I was still a virgin.”

Jisung wasn't sure why she brought that up. He remained silent while she pulled.

She took a step to the side as the pants went over Jisung's knees and down his calves. She took them off along with his socks, as if she was a mother changing her child.

“Are you?” the woman asked when Jisung didn't react to her revelation.

“No,” Jisung replied.

He wanted to appear much cooler and more experienced than he was, but the crack in his voices made the woman see right through him. Virgin or not, Jisung was already way out of his comfort zone and it showed.

“What do you like?” the woman asked. She tossed Jisung's clothes in a pile on top of his hoodie.

Jisung lay naked in front of her, his feet still on the floor and upper body supported by his elbows. His soaked dick flinched on his stomach.

“What do you mean?” he asked. He was genuinely confused, and the response was all the information she needed.

The woman never replied and simply smiled her friendly smile. She started to get up. She put a hand on Jisung's thigh for support, and pushed herself to a standing position.

Without taking her eyes off his face, she reached back to undo her bra. She giggled at Jisung's doe-like expression. When she pulled the strap over her shoulder and her breasts were slowly revealed, his mouth was wide open. Saliva once again accumulated behind his lower lip.

“Do you think I'm beautiful?” she asked and let the bra drop to the floor.

“Yeah,” Jisung said. It was his single most used word all night, and sufficient to make the woman feel desired. Maybe it was the way he said it, with a hint of surprise and amazement in his voice.

She wasn't done though. Next, she started swaying her hips again, and slowly pulled down her panties as she stood there by the feet of the young man. Jisung's dick jumped on his stomach, still riding the high of her lips tightly wrapped around it.

The pussy was shaved and appeared larger than Jisung had imagined. He stared directly at it, no longer so afraid that he felt the need to look away.

The woman was beyond pleased with his subtle but obvious reactions. She had feared that she would scare the poor boy away, but could tell that Jisung was ready. He had not been a child for several years. Now, she was about to make him a man.

Completely naked in front of him, she stepped closer to the edge of the bed. Jisung's knees clapped together and slid in between her legs. Saliva nearly started to drip from his mouth.

He kept his eyes on the pelvic area as it approached him. He was not afraid of it any longer, and would not react the way he had when his nose brushed against it. He was wildly attracted to its magic.

The woman leaned down for a kiss. Jisung's ass was on the edge of the bed, and once again it sank into it when he pushed his upper body upwards to meet her lips.

FINGERING STARTS HERE…

They started to make out again. Fully undressed, incredibly horny, and ready to take it all the way.

Jisung's hands instinctively began to explore. They felt the waist and chest above his. Hers did the same, as she had a rare opportunity to touch every bit of a man half her age.

Jisung had grown bold, or at the very least so comfortable and passionate that his mind had stopped working. He reached down between her spread legs as she towered over him, and traced his fingers around her folds.

“Mmm,” the woman moaned into his mouth. “Oh yeah, finger me.”

Jisung stuck a finger inside her, then two, then three. He pushed them deeper while flicking them against her walls, in the vast space of her wet vagina.

The actions came instinctively to him. The deeper inside he got, the more the woman seemed to like it. When his palm pressed against her labia, she was no longer putting on a show.

Between their bodies, she reached down and found the cock. She held it up and stroke it. With their lips still smacking together, they pleasured each other as if they'd been in this position a hundred times before.

They had not. It was their first time. And the best was yet to come.

Slowly, the woman started bending her knees, lowering herself onto Jisung's lap. At first, her hanging breasts rubbed against his chest. Then, she wrapped an arm around his neck to pull him closer. His nose pressed against her shoulder, and he breathed heavily on her skin. When her body was so low that he could no longer comfortably keep his fingers inside her, he retracted his hand and placed it on her ass.

She, however, held onto his cock to guide it. The tip of his dick touched the outer rim of her vagina, and Jisung's body instantly froze.

He held his breath. She buried her lips in his hair. His cock stretched her sloppy folds as it slowly pushed inside. He closed his eyes when his face was pressed against her boobs, and the head became fully ungulfed.

“Ahh,” she whimpered. It had been ages since she had a cock this young inside her.

Jisung let his hands glide across her hips. He dug his fingers in them when the pussy swallowed his shaft whole. Finally, he let out a deep, audible sigh.

The woman straightened her back and sank deeper into Jisung's lap. She pulled him closer still, and held him lovingly around the neck and shoulders.

When Jisung didn't move, she decided to take charge. She started to roll her hips, gently sliding her ass on top of his thighs.

Jisung held her around the waist, and occasionally squeezed her cheeks. Balls deep inside her, he too eventually began to thrust his pelvis back and forth. Carefully, as if trying his way. With each push into the woman, he panted shallowly into her bosom.

“Mmm, yeah,” the woman moaned.

“Uh, uh, uh,” Jisung panted lowly.

This seated position was brand new to him, and he absolutely loved it.

When Jisung stopped panting, however, the woman was quick to change the position. She realized that he became silent for a reason. He was close to coming, and she immediately stopped rolling. She looked down at Jisung whose clutched teeth and twisted face revealed that he was indeed about to explode.

She wasn't ready for him to finish. Jisung made her feel wanted and desired. She wanted to feel this way every day, but would settle for just one night. That night could not be over so soon.

She raised a leg and climbed off of Jisung's lap. She looked at him seductively, then waddled away from him on her knees, toward the center of the bed.

She grabbed his arm and pulled him with her. “Come,” she said.

Jisung turned around and followed her. She leaned forward on her elbows, positioning herself on all four. She spread her legs and stuck her ass in the air, and when Jisung approached her from behind, he saw her back and rear and wasn't sure what she wanted him to do.

Instinctively, he crouched over her body and hugged her from behind. He wrapped an arm around her chest and kissed her shoulder blade. Their legs and feet aligned on the mattress, and his dick stuck out below her stomach.

The top of the shaft rubbed against her vulva like a sausage in a bread. He massaged her breasts and rocked his ass slowly, but otherwise didn't do anything to go further.

The woman reached in under her and found the shaft. She positioned it by her entrance and pushed the head up. Jisung understood what she wanted him to do the moment his dick slid inside her.

“Mm, yeah,” the woman moaned when he caught on, and began to fuck her slowly from behind.

“Oh, oh, yeah,” she repeated, and put her hand on top of the bed frame.

Jisung let go of her boob and straightened his back. His hands slid down her back and onto her hips and ass. He stared down at his crotch between her cheeks, while he kept thrusting slowly into her.

“Faster,” she instructed.

Jisung straightened and tensed his arms. His cute ass began to clench and relax alternately. His thigh muscles helped to keep a steady pace.

“Oh yeah, Jisung, fuck me.”

The words were a turn-on for Jisung. The bed began to shake, and the woman adjusted her grip on the frame. He clutched her hips harder, and slammed his cock deeper inside her. It jammed forward and upwards into her pussy with each lustful move of his thighs and torso.

“Mm, mm, yeah, fuck!” the woman kept whimpering. She buried her head in a pillow and raised her ass higher. “Mm, fuck yeah, Jisung, your cock is so good.”

Jisung had never felt more pleased with himself.

The woman was pleased too. Pleased that she had managed to get Jisung out of his shell. But she also feared that his youth meant that he wasn't able to hold and prolong his orgasm. She still wasn't ready for him to finish, and so she quickly decided he had to pull out.

She suddenly moved away from the man and out of his grasp. She lay down and rolled on her back. She spread her legs wide and invited Jisung into the warmth of her motherly embrace.

MISSIONARY SEX STARTS HERE...

Jisung was surprised by the sudden move, but when he saw her lay there with her legs and arms wide open, he immediately came crashing down on top of her.

They hugged and kissed, while the dick head moved closer and closer to the pussy with each rocking motion of their bodies. Eventually, it slid back inside on its own.

He's so eager, the woman thought. She absolutely loved it.

She's so eager, Jisung thought too. I hope I'm good enough for her.

Jisung stopped kissing and lay motionless in her arms, his head resting beside her face. Only his ass moved up and down, while the rest of him remained completely still.

The woman pressed her hand on his back. “Put your arm around me,” she said.

Jisung did as he was told. He raised his head and pushed his arm in under the woman's body.

“Shift your weight,” she said and touched him gently on the hip. Jisung bent a knee slightly, and his hip leaned into the inside of her thigh.

“Now pull your leg higher up,” she said and tugged on the back of his thigh.

Jisung had been in the missionary position before, but it had never felt this great. The woman's instructions and the subtle changes to their position made a big difference.

“Yes, yes, that's the spot!” she exclaimed when Jisung thrust inside her at an angle.

Everything felt more intimate, and Jisung felt more powerful. For the first time in his sexually active life, he felt in control. The way he was able to weight his motions and use his whole body to move while they fucked made him feel like he knew what he was doing.

Jisung kept bobbing his ass up and down. With the aid of his arm around the woman's back and shoulder he pulled himself forward. When he relaxed, he slid back down on her. With the bent knee below her ass cheek he pushed. He rocked his full length back and forth, up and down, and rolled his hips into her groin with a new-found skill and confidence.

“Kiss me,” the woman said, her final instruction.

Jisung planted his lips on hers. Wrapped in each other's arms, they fucked with a passion Jisung had never experienced before.

“Oh, yeah, yeah,” the woman kept whimpering. “Ah, ah, Jisung, Jisung!”

Hearing her moan his name made Jisung feel good and manly. His straight cock kept slamming repeatedly against her clit, and the sloppy folds tightened around his shaft when she wrapped her legs around him.

“Ahh, ahh,” she kept wailing. “Ah, yes, yes, yes!”

They sighed shallow breaths of air into each other's mouths, and occasionally kissed with a love and force that matched the passion of their hot sex.

Jisung became hot and flustered, and eventually held his breath. The breasts below him pressed against his chest, and the woman's hands on his back and legs around his ass and thighs felt incredible.

He pulled his knee a little higher still. His thigh pressed against her cheek. He raised his upper body slightly. Her breasts shook below him and the bed slammed repeatedly against the wall.

“Grab the frame,” the woman said.

Jisung reached up, his arm and skinny torso stretched long. He took a firm grip on top of the bedframe with one hand, and squeezed hard on her waist with the other. He used them to push and pull his body while simultaneously kicking his feet into the mattress, penetrating the woman deeper than ever before.

Then he clutched his teeth again, and suddenly let out a groan.

“Don't come yet,” the woman said.

Jisung held his breath, but kept on fucking her good.

“Hold it in,” she said.

Jisung focused his mind, but increased the size and tensity of his body's movements.

“Yes, yes, fuck!” the woman said when she couldn't hold it together herself.

That's when Jisung reach his peak. He had fucked the woman wild and passionately for as long as he possibly could. When she orgasmed as a result of his cock hitting her g-spot repeatedly, he couldn't last any longer.

Jisung exploded with a powerful jolt.

“Arrgh, mm!” he howled when he released his load and emptied himself. “Fu-u-uuck!”

It was the first time ever he had made a sound while coming inside a woman. He absolutely loved this new type of sex, and she loved that he had brought out this new side of him.

The strong and manly Jisung that finished inside the older woman was a very different person from the timid boy she had found sitting on the edge of her bed.

When Jisung came down from his orgasm and released his grip on the bed, their bodies were hot and flustered. He panted heavily above the woman, and came down for a deep kiss. She was chipping for air too, coming down from her own orgasm.

Jisung's chest and thin stomach moved visibly in and out when he gasped for air. His abs were highlighted with each powerful exhale.

Then he collapsed in her arms. Every muscle in his body relaxed, and she lovingly wrapped her arms around him. She giggled when he panted into her ear, a gentle laugh of total sexual satisfaction.

When his breaths returned to normal, she pushed him gently on the shoulder. Jisung slowly rolled off her and lay on his back by her side.

He was spent and happy. He put an arm behind his head and smiled. She leaned into his chest and kissed him.

“Wow,” he said, unable to wipe the smirk off his face. “That was incredible!”

The woman merely giggled lovingly, and played with her fingers on his flat stomach. Incredible was an understatement. It had been years since she had gotten this kind of action from her husband.

*****

Jisung opened his eyes. “I need to pee,” he said lowly, taking them both out of their sleepy and meditative state. He gently caressed the woman on her back, while she rested her head on his chest.

“Sure,” she said and rolled away, letting the man beside her go.

Jisung sat up and crawled out of bed. She admired his slim figure and cute ass when he walked away from her. He crossed the room with a certain posture, a cool confidence of a man who had just had the greatest sex of his life.

When he returned, he found the woman sitting by the foot of the bed. She was playing with the ring around her finger, and had put on a t-shirt and panties. White ones, much larger than the black thong he had seen her in before.

Jisung stopped and looked at her. She let go of her finger and glanced at his naked body, and the slack young dick hanging low between his legs.

“You should probably go,” she said. The words took him by surprise.

But he didn't want to show his disappointment. “Yeah,” he agreed. “They'll wonder where I am.”

“Who will?” the woman asked.

“My friends.”

She watched him in silence for a moment, then smiled softly. “Come here.”

Jisung approached her with a slow determination. She pulled him in and kissed him, and ran her fingers over his hot, slim body one last time. His skin had cooled down since the sex had ended.

She leaned down and kissed the dick. Blood immediately came rushing to it, and it began to grow in size.

“Alright,” she said and leaned back. “You don't want to make them worried.”

Jisung wanted to stay. He knew that if he left they might never see each other again. But he had a feeling that he shouldn't, and that there was something else going on with the woman.

They had done what he came there for, and he was mature enough to know that he was much too young for her. She had only invited him for sex, and now that part was over. She was not looking for a serious relationship, but then again neither was he.

When neither of them spoke, Jisung turned around and picked up his clothes from the floor. He sorted them in the middle of the room, and before his dick would grow to full size again he quickly put on his underwear.

He suddenly wanted to hide his boner. The woman kept watching him, smiling faintly. He felt shy and out of place.

“Will I see you again?” Jisung asked when he pulled up the sweatpants.

“I don't think so,” the woman said, a little too quickly.

“Why not?” Jisung asked. For the first time, he worried that perhaps he had not been as great in bed as he thought he had. Maybe she wasn't satisfied by his performance after all.

“My… I have to see someone.”

Jisung stood shirtless and stared at the tangled sheet on the bed. He clung to the hoodie in his hands.

He suddenly became afraid to face the woman, wondering if he had done something terribly wrong.

Slowly, he slid the shirt over his head, then adjusted the hood behind it.

“I had a great time,” the woman said and suddenly smiled wide, as if she realized that things were turning awkward and she wanted to bring them back to their happy moment. ”You were great.”

Jisung merely grunted. “I should go,” he said, and his friends were really just an excuse.

The woman stood up and approached him. She wrapped her arms around the boy and kissed him passionately on the lips. Jisung's hard-on poked through his pants.

“Thank you,” she said.

For what? Jisung wanted to ask.

“You're welcome,” he said and they kissed again.

Then he turned around and walked away.

“Goodbye,” he said in the doorway.

“Goodbye,” the woman replied, but made no effort to walk him out.

Jisung could be feeling a lot of things in this moment. But his heart was full of joy and his body full of pride. His mind was occupied only by one thing: the amazing older woman, her naked body and wonderful touch.

She had showed him her magic and taught him experienced sex. Though he did not yet realize it, he would eventually come to understand that the sex had been so great because of her higher age.

The age difference between them played an important part, and Jisung would struggle to recreate the experience with girls his own age. They simply weren't the same.

For now, however, Jisung knew one thing for sure: that his time with an older woman had been fucking magical.

[sixhours]

i know you by heart - chapter 5

Series Chapter Index | Read on AO3 | Complete

Rating: Explicit, 18+, here be smut Series tags: The Last of Us, The Last of Us (HBO), Prospect, Joel Miller x Ezra, Joel & Ellie, Ezra & Cee, Joel is bad at feelings and relationships, Ellie is a little shit (affectionate), mostly follows canon after season 1, SMUT, gay sex, bisexual!Joel, period-typical homophobia, light angst, angst with a happy ending, romance, age gap (~10ish years), I've probably forgotten some so please let me know <3

Chapter notes: You guessed it, there's more smut here! It's easy to skip.

You may have noticed the number of chapters has decreased, but the word count continues to go up. I'm not as verbose as our dear Ezra, but I think this will be around 35k when all is said and done.

“Hey, kiddo. Can we talk?”

He’s sitting at the kitchen table when she comes downstairs at a run. He’s going to tell her, he’s decided. It’s been months of sneaking around. He’s gotta do it.

“I’m late, I’ve got patrol training,” she says, grabbing an apple off the bowl on the counter and holding it in her mouth while trying to shoulder her pack and put on her shoes at the same time. “Mermer?”

“Whats’at?”

“Remember?” she says, pulling the apple from her teeth, taking a big bite in the process. “I told you last–”

“Yeah, last night. It can wait. Y’all be back for dinner?”

“Uh-huh sure. But I really gotta go, dude, Jesse’ll have my head if I’m not at the stables, like, ten minutes ago.”

“Alright, I’ll see you tonight,” he says, and then she’s out the door with a wave and a muffled “bye”.

She’d been on him to start patrol training the day after her birthday and he’d obliged despite a million reservations. But Tommy reassured him it was safe; they took the kids on training exercises through areas recently cleared by regular patrols and she’d be partnered with an older, more experienced patroller. She’d been more than capable on the road, and that was before she’d known how to shoot a rifle or ride a horse.

But that was also before he’d cared enough to worry about her like his own.

She’ll be fine , he reminds himself, finishing his coffee. And tonight he’ll tell her about Ezra.

Today he’s at a construction site on the west side of Jackson, working alongside Tommy and a handful of others to repair and restore a cluster of homes for the expanding community. It’s familiar work, the kind that keeps his hands occupied and his mind quiet–just what he needs.

They’re wrapping up leveling the front porch on one of the houses when he spots Maria lingering on the sidewalk. Something in the gravity of her expression has Joel’s hackles up before she can open her mouth.

“There was a…situation.”

He catches fragments of what happened through a haze of barely contained panic.

Patrol training came back with one less kid. The last group had swept the area, believing it to be clear. Trainees were sent out in pairs. A stray infected caught two of the boys by surprise.

One was bit.

“Ellie’s fine, Joel, she’s–”

“Where is she?” he barks.

“She went home, but–”

Joel storms off without waiting for her to finish, without gathering his tools, heart beating Ellie’s name in his throat.

He finds her in her room, whole and unharmed, but his relief is short-lived.

She sits on her bed in a t-shirt, holding out her right arm and staring at her scar. It’s unbandaged, unwrapped, on display. She’s normally meticulous about keeping it covered; the sight of her bare skin and the vining, twisting threads underneath sets a pit of dread to root in his stomach.

“Ellie��?”

She looks up at him, eyes two dark pools of hurt. She doesn’t have to speak the words for him to know that’s what she’s thinking.

I could have prevented this.

It should have been me.

“Hey…”

He steps into the room on tentative feet. She barely acknowledges his presence when he sits beside her, puts an arm around her shoulders, and pulls her to his side. She doesn’t cry, doesn’t say a word, just presses herself against his ribs and lets him hold on.

The town holds a funeral and she insists on attending, watching as they lower the boy’s roughshod wood casket down. Joel puts a heavy hand on Ellie’s shoulder in sympathy, feels only a flicker of shame when all he can think is that he’s glad it’s not her body going into the ground.

She’s withdrawn in the days following, and it feels like the aftermath of Silver Lake all over again. Instead of stomping around the house in a huff, the place is eerily quiet. There’s no loud music, no swearing, no questions or conversations beyond a simple yes or no, or telling him where she’ll be during the day. Her new guitar gathers dust in the corner of her room, never played.

She goes back to patrol training after four short days. They have a big fight about it, but in the end, Joel doesn’t have the strength to tell her no. She seems determined to make herself useful, though he suspects it’s more a self-imposed penance.

This is the world you wanted , she seems to say with every look, every stilted word. This is the choice you made.

More than once, he catches her staring at her scar.

Now it’s he who can’t sleep at night. He stays awake in a vain effort to keep the bad dreams at bay. He paces the halls of their home and lingers in her bedroom doorway. He takes solace in her sleeping form, her face relaxed, no longer pinched and drawn by the weight of their secrets.

He dreams he’s in a hospital holding Ellie’s bloody corpse, the back of her head cut open and gleaming and horribly empty. It thunks hollowly, sickeningly against his shoulder as he runs through endless hallways from a faceless, nameless thing. He’s never fast enough, never strong enough, never has enough time. Sometimes Sarah is there, mocking him, shaming him, and sometimes he just runs until he wakes, breathing hard, sweating through his bedsheets.

If she has nightmares, she doesn’t tell him.

It’s been over a week since the boy’s death. Ellie is stony and withdrawn, and Joel is running out of ideas, sleep-deprived and desperate.

He’s headed to see Ezra, surprised to see her coming down the porch steps with her head hung low and hands stuffed in her pockets. She jumps a little when she sees him coming.

“Hey, what’re you–”

“Hey,” she mumbles.

“Thought you had kitchen duty.”

“I do. And I’m gonna be late, so…I’ll see you tonight,” she says, bypassing him and veering up the street toward the caf.

“Ellie, wait–”

She doesn’t answer. He catches motion out of the corner of his eye; Ezra, watching from the door. 

“What was that about?” Joel asks. It comes out accusatory, almost mean.

Ezra bites his lip. “I believe we have what we in the profession call a conflict of interest. I…can’t in good conscience tell you.”

He doesn’t know whether to be relieved or angry as he watches the back of Ellie’s hoodie disappear around the corner.

“Guess I should be grateful,” he sighs finally. “‘Cause she sure as hell ain’t talkin’ to me.”

Ezra bites his lip, steps aside wordlessly and gestures him inside.

“I’m fuckin’ this up, Ez,” he whispers as the door closes behind him, surprised to find his throat thick with tears. “I’m…I dunno what to do.”

A pause, and then Ezra’s arm comes around him wordlessly. Joel ducks his head into the crook of his neck, breathing in the familiar, comforting scent of him, oaky and warm like his favorite whiskey.

He places a chaste kiss on the edge of his collarbone as Ezra’s hand comes up to cradle the back of his head. He mouths at the skin there, drags his lips against the stubble under his jaw, feeling a desperate need to sate something, seeking a kind of comfort he’s only recently become reacquainted with.

“Songbird,” Ezra whispers hesitantly.

“Please,” Joel growls low in his throat.

Ezra takes him by the hand and leads them upstairs.

+++++++++++++++++++++SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++++

Minutes later and he’s buried in Ezra to the hilt, dragging his cock slowly in and out as the shower pelts them with lukewarm water. Ezra braces himself on the tile with his forearm as Joel tries to control his pace, hands on his hips with an iron-tight grip.

“Take what you…need, cher . I like my pleasure…with a little…pain.”

That whittles down the last of Joel’s resolve. He leans forward, braces one hand on the wall while the other grabs at Ezra’s ass, driving his hips again and again, rutting hard until they’re both panting with the effort. Ezra’s grunts and moans reverberate throughout the tiny bathroom, and Joel hopes like hell Cee isn’t home, or at least wearing her headphones, because there’s no way they’re being quiet enough.

His hand finds Ezra’s on the cool tile wall, interlacing their fingers as he hurtles toward his release, pleasure already gathering, licking tendrils of heat up the base of his spine. His other hand slides around to stroke Ezra, to try to bring him along, but he’s too far gone now. The angle and the sweet slick clench around him has him toppling over the edge, spilling into him with a sharp cry.

He wraps one arm around Ezra’s shoulders and hauls him up, front flush to his back, sagging sideways against the wall for support when his legs threaten to give out. He presses a kiss to Ezra’s nape as he comes down, licks the dappled water from the base of his neck.

“Bed, mon cœur ,” Ezra pants, still rock hard in Joel’s palm.

Ezra lies down and Joel crawls over him, settling on top with one thigh nestled firmly between both of his. He’s entranced by the slick slide of Ezra’s tongue between his lips, focused on slow, tender kisses that have Ezra arching his back, rutting his unsatisfied length against Joel’s thick, muscled thigh, seeking friction.

“Alright, alright,” he soothes, nipping at his plush lower lip, swallowing his moans as he grinds down, adding pressure as Ezra’s cock slicks his thigh with precome. If he were fifteen years younger he’d probably be ready to go again, but he’ll settle for taking his time, drawing out every meeting of their lips until Ezra’s wriggling beneath him becomes too insistent.

“ Cher , please, for the love of all that is good and holy, this is torture and I must insist you–ah–give me something more to work–ohhh fuck–work with.”

“Behave,” Joel growls, and he feels the kick of Ezra’s arousal against him in response, the sound of a whimper that makes him feel heady and drunk with power.

He slides down his body, feels the clench of Ezra’s fist in his hair as he takes him in. Watches the other man’s expression, all heavy-lidded eyes and parted lips, when his tongue traces his frenulum, dragging it flat along the head before enveloping his cock completely.

Ezra’s eyes roll back and his head drops to the pillow, the elegant arch of his throat bared with a vulnerability that makes Joel’s heart clench with something like love.

“Songbird, I–Christ, man–“

“I got you,” Joel whispers, taking him as deep as he can, clenching his throat around him until Ezra’s fist tightens its grip. Joel lets out an involuntary moan at the sensation, feels Ezra’s cock throb against his lips, the hot rush of come at the back of his throat.

+++++++++++++++++++END+SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++

In the aftermath, he’s exhausted. The release and the physical exertion coupled with lack of sleep has his eyes threatening to slip shut with his head pillowed on Ezra’s thigh. He feels a hand come around his back, urging him up, and his limbs cooperate long enough for him to settle in the crook of Ezra’s good arm.

He must drift off for a while because the light has changed when he opens his eyes; it’s warmer, richer. Ezra is still there, absently twirling his fingers in the damp curls at the base of Joel’s neck.

Really should cut my hair , he thinks groggily. Gettin’ worse than Tommy.

“Hello, songbird.”

Ezra’s voice is soft.

“Hey,” he rasps. “Sorry. Haven’t…been sleepin’ much.”

“It’s no trouble,” he murmurs. 

“You got any more, uh, clients today?”

“Not a one,” his voice is low and smooth. “I’m all yours.”

Joel is too blurry around the edges to consider the deeper implications there.

He doesn’t know what prompts him to speak, but skin-to-skin in the soft light of the dwindling afternoon, the words come easier.

“Ellie’s immune.”

Ezra raises an eyebrow, but there’s no surprise in his expression.

Joel considers him, makes the connection. “But she told you that already, huh.”

For a man who loves to hear himself talk, Ezra remains infuriatingly quiet.

Joel nods. “Alright then. She tell you anythin’ else? About Salt Lake City?”

Ezra takes a deep breath, lets it out in a rush. “I wouldn’t betray her trust–”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Joel, as much as I–”

The use of his first name sounds foreign, almost like an admonishment, a warning.

“I know ,” he snaps, then softens. “I get it. I’m just…she’s fadin’, Ez. I don’t know how to get her back.”

An awkward quiet settles between them.

“How ‘bout…I’ll tell you,” Joel sighs finally. “Maybe it’ll help you help her. Like…before.”

Ezra bites his lip. “Alright. I’m listening.”

“I used to do a certain kinda…trading back in the QZ. Mostly pills and cigs, booze, sometimes weapons, ammo. Tommy was part of that for a while, then he left on some dumb crusade with the Fireflies. We lost touch an’ I got worried he’d bit off more than he could spit.

“So my, uh, partner an’ I took a job. We were supposed to take this kid to the Fireflies in exchange for a payment, supplies an’ shit, to get us out here to find Tommy. But everythin’ went wrong. Partner got bit first day out. Shit happened. By the end, it was just me an’ Ellie.

“She was a little shit,” he says, chuckling at the thought. “Kept beggin’ me for a gun, askin’ questions about stuff. Never had a minute’s peace. But she…she was smart, too. Saved my ass more than once. Had my back. We figured it out. An’ I guess…after all those months on the road…she wasn’t just a job.”

He swallows hard, suddenly wishing for a stiff drink.

“I had a kid before, y’know,” he murmurs, looking at his wrist, the tan line where his watch would be if it wasn’t sitting on the nightstand. “Didn’t, uh…didn’t think I’d ever have that again. Ellie…she did for me what Cee did for you, I guess. Made me better. Gave me back my life.”

The thought brings tears to his eyes and he pauses to wipe them away.

“Anyway. I got her to the Fireflies like I promised. But the cure they were lookin’ for came at a price. They were gonna kill her, Ez. They were gonna take out her brain and…I don’t fuckin’ know what they had planned, but she wouldn’t survive it. She was just a fuckin’ kid . I couldn’t let that happen.

“So I killed the lot of ‘em. There’s a fuckin’ river of blood on my hands,” he says drily, tilting his head up to gauge Ezra’s reaction.

A fingertip lightly traces the line of Joel’s jaw and his voice is gentle. “Terrible things have been done for less, songbird.”

“Don’t I know it,” Joel sniffs. “But Ellie…she ate it up. She believed it, all that cure bullshit. Now she’s out there thinkin’ she could have saved the damn world, and I’m the bastard who took that away. I got her out. Told her…told her there was no cure. Broke her fuckin’ heart and brought her here, and now…”

“She suspects?” Ezra prompts.

Joel snorts. “You know how she is, Ez. She knows . She knows…even if she won’t admit it. An’ I’m too much of a coward to tell her.”

“Hmm.”

“What would you do?” he asks, looking at him with red-rimmed eyes. “If it was Cee?”

Ezra grimaces, creases pooling between his eyebrows. “It’s not a fair comparison. Cee isn’t my daughter, and–”

“Bullshit,” Joel says flatly. “She’s as much your kid as Ellie is mine.”

A sharp look. “In your position…I suppose I would be reticent. But the truth will out.”

Joel goes quiet.

“Do you want my opinion?” he offers more gently.

“Wouldn’t be tellin’ you this if I didn’t.”

“If I may be blunt…your girl has endured far worse than words. The truth can’t hurt her any more than the world already has. It’s time to come clean, gut the fencer. Tell her.”

“Yeah, an’ what then?” he says.

“She makes a choice. Maybe it surprises you.”

“Are you tellin’ me this as her therapist, or as a…a friend?”

A deep sigh. “Both, I suppose.”

He considers him, then. The long line of his nose, the jut of his chin, so familiar, and yet…there’s a distance in his eyes. He wonders how much Ellie has told him, how much he inferred and intuited.

“I can’t lose her, Ez,” he says roughly. “I won’t survive it.”

“I know,” he whispers. Ezra’s hand finds his back, rubbing slow, careful circles.

“Look, I know you can’t talk about it. I know…she needs her space. But can you…can you just promise me…if she’s gonna do somethin’ stupid, you’ll tell me? Can you do that?”

Ezra meets his eyes, then his gaze darts away. It’s a split second, barely perceptible, but Joel recognizes it as a tell. “If I thought she was in particularly dire straits…yes, I would tell you.”

Joel shifts in the bed and the silence draws out. 

“I should…”

Ezra nods, pulls his hand away, lets him go.

Joel reaches for his jeans and tugs them on, then sits on the edge of the bed. The pit of dread he’s carried for the last week has resettled in his stomach.

“Look…maybe we should, uh…back off a little,” he says, throat tight. “‘Til she’s feelin’ alright again. Ain’t fair to her…or you…”

“I didn’t want to be the one to say it,” Ezra says softly. “Truth be told, I don’t want to do so, but…I understand…needs must.”

Joel leans over and kisses him long and slow, pressing his forehead to Ezra’s, letting himself stay in the moment just a little longer.

“She’ll come around,” he whispers, more to himself than to Ezra. “She’ll come around.”

But she doesn’t.

By the start of August, it’s clear she’s lost weight. The dark circles under her eyes grow deeper. She sees Ezra every week, and he and Joel pause their regular trysts. They keep things friendly but chaste, sometimes meeting for lunch or dinner, sometimes conversing on the porch while Joel plays music and Ezra rambles. The physical absence hurts like a splinter, like a persistent low-level itch under his skin, but the ache of Ellie’s slow and deliberate withdrawal cuts deeper.

And then, Joel finds himself in possession of a single can of Chef Boyardee ravioli and a sliver of hope. He trades an obscene amount of precious coffee crystals for the cheap canned pasta without batting an eye, happy to have some kind of leverage, tenuous as it is.

When Ellie comes home after her shift at the stables that evening, he’s ready with a plan.

“Hey, kiddo.”

She eyes him warily. “Hey.”

“Thought we could, uh, do dinner at home tonight.”

“I’m not that hungry.”

“Even for your favorite?” he says, holding up the can of Chef Boyardee.

Her eyebrows lift with mild interest; it’s not quite the reaction he hoped for, but it’s a hook.

“I dunno,” she sighs. “Think I’m just gonna–”

“It comes with a surprise,” he tries. “Y’don’t have to eat, just…come see?”

She sighs. “Fine.”

She trudges behind him to the backyard, where he’s set up a shallow fire pit with a bunch of old paving stones he found under the porch. An open fire is already crackling and popping and he’s dragged a big log from the edge of the yard over to use as a seat. On top of the ring of stones, he’s settled an old oven rack, upon which he places the open can of ravioli.

Hands on his hips, he turns to gauge her reaction. Her smile is tight-lipped and forced. “A fire, huh?”

“Yeah. Thought we could eat out here tonight. Kinda like old times,” he says. “‘Cept…”

He holds out a large wax bag, watches her eyes light up as she opens it and looks inside.

“Didn’t have these on the road.”

He’d traded Dina’s sister a week’s worth of work on her kitchen for a batch of homemade marshmallow squares.

“Oh, nice,” she breathes, something a little closer to her usual self. She’s already popped one into her mouth when he sits down.

“Don’t spoil your dinner,” he says, all false admonishment as she takes a seat next to him, handing him a marshmallow of his own. It’s sweet and soft and melts like pure sugar on his tongue as they wait for their canned pasta to heat over the flames.

When the food is warm, they pass the can back and forth, sharing bites of ravioli until it’s gone. He’s heartened when she eats her share and more, if not with the same gusto from before.

Then Joel pulls out two sticks he’s whittled to points and uses one to spear a fresh marshmallow, handing it to her. Her treat catches on fire almost immediately, too close to the flames, burning the outside to a blackened crisp. She eats it anyway, traces of charred goo sticking at the corner of her lips, to the tips of her fingers.

He finally hears her laugh a little when he gets some stuck in his beard. Then she starts a jousting match, trying to knock his second marshmallow into the fire and almost succeeds, leaving him with a dangling gooey mess that he smears into the arm of her sweatshirt.

“You asshole!” she says, giggling. “That’s my favorite one!”

“Yeah, yeah, it’ll wash,” he says, too eager to hear her laughter to care about the laundry.

She wrinkles her nose, pokes at him with her bare stick. “It better, old man.”

She doesn’t eat ten marshmallows, but that doesn’t matter. He hasn’t seen her smile this much in weeks. Her laughter feels like cool water poured over the scorched desert earth.

“Fire pit was a good idea,” she says after a while, arms crossed over her knees.

“Still have those occasionally,” he agrees, then gets to his feet. “Not done yet, though. One more thing.”

“I hope it’s a fucking dinosaur,” she calls, and the levity in her voice could sustain him for a month.

He goes to the back porch and pulls out their sleeping bags from under the bench. He tosses hers over.

“Might be meteor showers.”

“Really? How’d you know?”

“Some space almanac thing. Cee was tellin’ us about ‘em, thought maybe we’d try and see what we can see.”

“‘Us’, huh?”

“Oh, uh, I mean Ezra,” he says, shaking out the sleeping bag and spreading it on the ground. “She told him, he told me.”

“Hmm,” she says, lips quirked in a smile. “Sounds cool.”

He eases down, quietly pleased when she spreads her sleeping bag next to his. She plops down and stretches out with a sigh.

“The sky feels so much bigger out here,” she says.

“Reckon it does,” he agrees.

They watch the navy blue backdrop above them grow dark, stars slowly blinking into existence as the sun dips below the horizon. A bat swoops and dips overhead, black wings barely visible against the darkening sky.

“Oh! See that?”

 “What?”

“You missed it,” she huffs, pointing to their right. “Shooting star.”

“Did you make a wish?”

She looks over at him with a mix of exasperation and amusement. “No, because I’m not five, Joel.”

He shrugs nonchalantly. “Never get your wish with that attitude.”

“Can you even see anything? Don’t you need, like, glasses?”

“Can see just fine, brat. Only need ‘em for reading.”

Another star streaks across the sky; Joel catches it this time and points it out, but she’s already looking elsewhere. She traces and names the constellations she recognizes, more than Joel ever knew. In school, they’re learning how to use the sky and the stars to navigate without a working compass.

After a while he tips his head, subtly trying to watch her, more entranced by Ellie’s expression than the night. Her eyes shine, reflecting all the wonders of space.

On impulse, he inches his hand over to take hers, nudging her arm in the dark. She hisses and jerks away at the contact.

“Whoa, easy…”

“It’s fine,” she says quickly. “Hurt it at the stables.”

“What happened?”

“It’s nothing.”

But now he’s sitting up, a nagging, twisting feeling in his gut. 

“Kiddo, if you’re hurt–”

“C’mon, dude, drop it. It’s not that bad,” she says. He can practically hear her eye roll.

“But–“

“Fucking hell, Joel, it’s fine,” she snaps.

“Kiddo, I’m not tryin’ to–”

She’s on her feet with a growl, kicking the blanket aside. He gets up as fast as his knees will let him and follows her into the house. He reaches out to grab her forearm. It’s a light touch, not meant to hold, just to get her attention, but she hisses again at the contact, gives a little moan.

“Don’t!”

“Hey, if somethin’s wrong–”

“It’s nothing,” she says, but there’s a frantic edge to her words now. Something fearful. “Just don’t touch me!”

“Ellie, baby–”

“No!”

She’s almost crying, he realizes, her voice reedy and threaded with panic. His resolve hardens to a fine point.

“Show me your arm,” he says firmly. “Ellie.”

Defiant, chin trembling, she groans and pulls up her sleeve revealing her usual scar covered by a thick piece of gauze.

“What happened?” he tries again. “Did someone–did someone do this?”

She doesn’t answer. When he reaches out, she flinches away as if in fear, and that hurts worse than any silence or lassitude. He takes her firmly but gently by the wrist and holds her arm steady while he peels back the gauze. The skin where her scar used to be is bright red, blistered, and oozing.

“Jesus,” he breathes, brow furrowed. “How’d this happen?”

No answer.

“C’mon, kid. I’m not mad, but you gotta tell me–”

“Lye,” she says flatly. “From the soap place.”

“Lye,” he repeats. “So…so you did this? But why would you–”

She groans and rolls her eyes, yanking her arm back. “You still don’t fucking get it.”

“No, I don’t,” he says, trying not to raise his voice. “I’m tryin’ to understand, but you won’t…you won’t talk to me. You gotta help me out here.”

“I’m tired of hiding,” she grits out. “I’m tired of…of being a fucking freak.”

“You’re not–”

“Oh, fuck off,” she growls. “You said it yourself; they see this, they shoot me. Now they won’t fucking shoot me, right?”

“Yeah, but…you hurtin’ yourself was never the plan, kid. I never woulda–I mean I wish you’d just–why didn’t you–damnit,” he growls. 

“Well, I did it, so it’s done now, okay? You don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

“Ellie, I will always worry about you,” he snaps, pinching the bridge of his nose. “That’s my goddamn job.”

She’s fumbling to put the bandage back on, re-sticking the medical tape, tugging her sleeve back down.

Then an idea occurs to him; a horrible thought that latches like a leech, ugly and writhing on his conscience. “Did Ezra know about this?”

Her eyes tell the truth even as she spits at him. “Why the fuck does that matter?”

Joel closes his eyes, clenching his jaw. “Because…he’s supposed to look out for you. The same way I’m supposed to look out for you, and he–”

He promised.

“‘The way you look out for me?’ What, by fucking lying to me? How the fuck is that supposed to help me?”

“I didn’t–“

“Then tell me the truth,” she snarls.

“I…did,” he swallows, tasting the bitter swirl of the lie on his tongue.

“Whatever. I have homework. Going to bed.”

“Ellie–”

She doesn’t give him a chance to answer, just stomps up the stairs and slams her bedroom door.

Ezra is startled from his work when Joel storms into the greenhouse the next morning, door banging harshly against the frame.

“Did you know?” he fires off before Ezra can open his mouth. “Did you know she was goin’ to…to do that to herself?”

A pair of women look up from their conversation, frozen and watching. Ezra eyes them, then Joel, holding up his hand.

“Joel–”

“Answer the fuckin’ question, Ez.”

He doesn’t, and his silence is all the confirmation Joel needs. Red floods his field of vision. His fists clench at his sides.

“Let’s take this conversation somewhere more private shall we?” Ezra grits out, grabbing Joel by the arm and marching them outside, around the corner, until they’re tucked between the two greenhouses and out of sight.

“You were s’posed to tell me,” Joel hisses when they’re alone.

“I tried–”

“You should have said somethin’,” he continues, feeling like a live wire, ready to snap. He pushes in closer, crowding him until he can almost feel the other man’s breath on his face.

Something flashes in Ezra’s eyes, something cold and alien that sends a trickle of unease down Joel’s spine. A subtle reminder that, underneath all the pretense of their domestic lives, they are still two dangerous men.

“Back up, Joel, or I will be forced to make you do so myself,” he says through gritted teeth, calm and cold. His eyes have narrowed to flinty points.

Joel takes a measured step back, jaw working, shame and rage roiling beneath his skin.

“Tell me,” he grits out.

“If I thought she was in any immediate peril…if I had any qualms whatsoever about her intentions…you would have been the first to know. But it was her choice, Joel, made of sound mind and body. And a clever one, too, if I must be frank. She went to the clinic as soon as it was done, saw to it the burn was treated with utmost care.”

“So you were there ?”

“No, but she relayed her plans to me and I simply–”

“So she fuckin’ planned this, is what you’re tellin’ me? An’ you didn’t think I had a right to know my kid was gonna burn off her own fuckin’ arm?”

“She specifically requested I not tell you…for reasons that have just now made themselves apparent,” he grits out.

“Damnit, Ezra,” he spits. “What the fuck kinda therapist are you?”

“The kind that’s trying to keep her safe in a world that would rather see her dead,” he says sharply. “And I believe we share a common goal in that regard, so I’d kindly ask that you refrain from the insinuation that I have anything but her best interests at heart.”

“What about my interests, huh?”

He knows he sounds petty, but he’s no longer fully in control of his mouth. There’s a venomous creature in his chest trying to claw its way out, a panicked thrashing between his ribs that tells him she’s hurt, he needs to protect her, but he can’t, he’s failing again , and Ezra’s found himself in the crossfire.

“The welfare of a child takes precedence over your bruised ego.”

“Fuck you,” he spits out. He means for it to hurt, but the words come out sounding hollow. For his part, Ezra doesn’t fire back, merely glares at him from beneath dark lashes, radiating hurt.

Joel paces like an animal, wipes the back of one shaking hand over his lips. 

“I can’t…this…this ain’t workin’,” he huffs finally, voice breaking. He can’t bring himself to meet the other man’s eyes.

“Then it would appear we’ve reached a certain…conclusion,” Ezra murmurs.

“Yeah,” he whispers, breath hitching in his throat. “Yeah, I guess we have.”

Joel brushes past him none too carefully and stalks off. Ten steps down the road and he wants to take it all back, but Ezra wasn’t wrong about his ego. It keeps him firmly, painfully pointed in the opposite direction.

[marbl3z]

Watch your step.

1 CHAPTER / ?

High school AU, based on a dream I had reader x alhaitham

Um. So, reader is chronically ill (POTS), BUT still attends in person school part time, Alhaitham is in the other group of students (the grade is split in two, college classes and then normal AP classes)

He's a little bit stuck up. Kaveh is there too. He's nice

i feel like this is will be multiple chapters ngl, this is semi based on what I experienced when I was in highschool before COVID hit.

(Cᴀɴ I ᴀʟsᴏ ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ ᴛʜᴀᴛ I'ᴍ sᴏʀʀʏ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ sᴇʟғ ɪɴᴅᴜʟɢᴇɴᴛ ғɪᴄs ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴄʜʀᴏɴɪᴄᴀʟʟʏ ɪʟʟ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ, ᴀɴᴅ sᴘᴇᴄɪғɪᴄᴀʟʟʏ ᴛʜɪs ᴏɴᴇ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ POTS,, I ғᴇᴇʟ ʙᴀᴅ ʙᴜᴛ I ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ sᴇᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ʜᴀᴠɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇsᴇ ɪʟʟɴᴇssᴇs)

You tap your pencil impatiently, glancing at the clock in your free period, you had a project you had to do with your group next period. Required your group to go outside, which... isn't bad, but you dreaded going outside and being watched like a hawk from teachers and... stared at from the boys... you aren't around much in school, you only come when you know you can make it / it's important.

"excuse me.." you hear a voice tap your shoulder. You look up and see one of the teacher's assistants from the B students.

"oh, hi" you study his features unsure whether he looks familiar, or you've just never seen him before.

"hi, so.. uh, I have paperwork I need you to fill out for the student council... this is your name right?" He points at the paper, you nod your head.

"yeah, that's me..."

"great! Okay, um. Come with me, the student council room is booked right now with a meeting so we're going to have to use one of the classrooms, all of them are in session minus one, which is in a free period." He neatly stacks the papers, turning for you to follow him. Red clips pin back his blonde hair, you grab what little stuff you brought to this class and follow him out of the door.

"we could've just used my classroom, y'know?" You ask, He gives you a tired smile.

"I asked your teacher ahead of time if I could use it to help get paperwork finished and she told me that since I'm on the different block of students to just use one of there's," he sighs. "She was really nice about it!"

"oohh" you hum as he opens the heavy metal doors for you, taking the shortest way to the block. The cold chill makes you shiver slightly.

"Mhm.. don't worry! This classroom has a study group in it but we'll be quiet so it's okay."

"I've never been in this part of the school, I bet everyone looks like nerds," you joke, he laughs before opening the other metal door and whispering.

"oh! My name is Kaveh, sorry I didn't introduce myself before... I already know your name, also we need to be kind of quiet.." he leans towards you, you glance into the other classrooms with classes going on and it seems brutal, at least.. you don't think you could comprehend it... to many numbers.

You nod at his statement, reading the board next to the door before accidentally tripping over the heavy mat in front of the metal doors. Kaveh is quick to make sure you don't fall, grasping your arm gently and helping you up.

"sorry!" You whisper, laughing a bit. Your heart hammers in your chest from the sudden burst of adrenaline.

"it's okay! I trip over them all the time!" He smiles laughing a little as you regain your balance. "It's this classroom ahead." He ghosts an arm over your back guiding you to the open classroom.

You glance around the room, there's so many books. A schedule is written on the whiteboard and there's eight students total in the room, ten if you count you and kaveh. As you walk past you glance at their notebook and your brain struggles to understand any of what you saw.

"right here," he whispers, pulling a chair out for you. You thank him and sit down as he hands you one sheet of paperwork. "Oh! I forgot to get you a pencil.. sorry, there should be one at the desk."

You glance at the desk in the front of the room, you smile at kaveh before carefully getting up. Standing still for a few minutes to regulate your blood pressure, he stares at you worryingly as you carefully maneuver throughout the room, accidentally bumping into a chair.

"oh I'm so sorry!" You whisper, the guy sitting there just stares up at you. You can't tell if he's mad or tired, probably both.

He slides his headphones down, setting his pencil down. "It's fine." He mutters, his deep voice catches you off guard.

You avoid eye contact but feel many eyes watching you as you quickly grab a pencil from the teacher's desk and hurriedly make it back to the table kaveh and you shared.

"you alright?" Kaveh mumbles, red eyes meeting your mildly scared ones.

"y-yeah.. just wondering if I already made an enemy here," you whisper, jokingly slightly as the eyes you felt before disappear.

"oh, him? Don't worry about it, he thinks he's better than everyone else, that's all. Did he say anything to you?" Kaveh's expression has changed four times after mentioning the guy you bumped into.

"well, besides after I apologized he said it was fine but he looked so angry." You sigh, sitting down. Everyone in the room, including kaveh looked so... professional.. while you were wearing sweatpants, a sweater that was far too big for you, compression socks, and slides.

'To be fair, anyone could assume you were homeless' you recall one of your friends commenting about your outfit the class prior to this. But who cares? You're comfy, and not even meant to be doing anything "professional" for a highschool student anyway, it must be a sort of dress code or something for B students.

you sigh, glancing behind you, the guy you bumped into went back to work, those headphones back on his head. you squint, as if judging him a bit. Kaveh smiles as he shifts through his own work. you turn back to the paper you have to fill out, probably for classes next semester - you look through it and yeah, that's exactly what it is.

you bounce your leg as you fill the paper out, glancing at the time every now and then. You finish the paperwork and sit there balancing the pencil on the bridge of your nose, the bell rings and everyone starts packing up, you slide back on your slide on shoes handing kaveh the finished paperwork. Kaveh smiles handing you a folded piece of paper in return.

"I'll walk you back to your next class," he offers, you accept the offer, smiling as you stuff the paper in your pocket. You'll look at it later.

"so, do you know everyone who was in that class?" You mumble, stuffing your hands in your pockets as he walks you the long way to your next class.

"I know of them, but I really know only one of them. He's.. well. Ugh." He groans, you smile at Kaveh's reaction to your question.

"you two friends?" You grin teasing as he rolls his eyes.

"I don't know what you call that." He brushes his blonde hair out of his eyes. Pulling his pullover closed to his body the cold breeze coming in through the heavy door being opened. "Why is it so cold.. gah." You snicker before wincing slightly.

"give me a second," you mumble, wobbling to the wall. You slide your sandal off pulling your sweatpant leg up to fix your compression sock.

students who pass you seem to point and laugh or glare down at you as you fix the aching pain from the tightened fabric. "You shouldn't do that here." A deep voice rumbles above you, you look up at the guy in front of you. It was him, from before.

You look up at him your eyes widen, feeling very small compared to him now. "Uh, sorry.. it just hurts sometimes—"

"Al haitham! Don't bully them, they were just fixing their sock." Kaveh walks up to you and him, glaring at the taller male in front of you.

You set your foot down, the coldness of the tiles make you shiver which makes both of the men look at you. You smile awkwardly as you quickly slide back on your thin shoes.

"I was merely telling them to not draw attention to themselves, Kaveh." He mutters, rolling his eyes as Kaveh helps you stabilize from looking down for so long. He glares at the other students who were laughing at you.

"I'm fine.." you mumble to Kaveh as he holds your arm up from your dizzy spell. Alhaitham scoffs. "Sorry, for taking up room in the hall." You apologize sarcastically.

Kaveh glances at you in shock, not expecting that response from you. He snickers slightly, "seems like you two are best of friends friends," Alhaitham scoffs, the 5 minute bell rings. "Remember we have a project today Kaveh." He walks away.

"is he normally like that?" You mutter, walking with Kaveh to your next class.

"yeah, that's Alhaitham for you." He sighs, "sorry, you might be late for class.."

"oh nono, don't worry, I have extra time.. if it wasn't obvious before, I was fixing my compression socks, I have a condition— don't worry! It's not contagious!" Kaveh looks at you confused, "people have assumed that before..."

"oh, is that why you got dizzy?" You nod, shrugging a bit.

"I'm only here for three days of the week, well... most times I am." You sigh, "I have it written in my 504 plan, accomodations and such." He nods.

"oohh, I understand, do people not always know?" You shake your head.

"not always, my class knows obviously and my teachers know but other students don't," you roll your eyes, "the days I don't come, someone from my class who lives nearby will drop off my work so I'm still in the.. uh, what's the word— like zone?" Kaveh nods.

"so you don't fall behind!"

"yeah!"

"That's smart, well I'm glad you're still able to do your schoolwork and take care of yourself at the same time," he gives you a friendly smile. you nod, smiling at kaveh.

The rest of the walk is in comfortable silence, eventually you two make it to your classroom, luckily students were still coming in so you weren't terribly late. Kaveh waves as you enter the classroom, you wave back and sit down. Leaning back in the chair as you try not to gasp for air, you don't want to cause a scene or anything.

"You okay?" The teacher places her hand on your desk, you nod your head as you look at the ceiling breathing deeply through your nose.

"walked a lot, student council needed me last period.." you huff, leaning over and placing your cheek on your hand.

"take your time to get situated." She smiles motherly at you, you nod as the rest of the students come in. She walks to the door.

You close your eyes waiting for the class to start, you remember the slip of paper kaveh gave you when you handed him the sheet back. You slip it out of your pocket, unfolding it carefully to see what it was.

"oh" you look at it in surprise, it was his number. You pull out your phone and quickly type it into it with a quick message. "hi"

You didn't expect a response but when your phone vibrated it was him, he sent back a "hi?". You quickly tell him who it was and his texting behavior changed to a more casual one.

"alright, is everyone here?" The teacher starts and you put your phone back in your pocket with the slip of paper. You nod slightly as everyone else responds. "Great, okay so we're going outside for today's class. It's nothing serious just write down what you see and what you think about what you see, that's really it, everyone has a partner so start pairing up,"

You look at the board, seeing who was your partner, it was the same person who came by to drop off your work. She was nice so it wasn't a total waste.

"alright, once you have your partners, grab a notebook or clipboard and a pencil, and start heading outside. Be mindful of other classes who may be outside. You may use your phones, but nothing inappropriate!" The teacher grabs a chair and leads the students out of the classroom, making sure they were quiet as the group passed other classrooms that were in session.

She props open the heavy metal door with the chair as everyone files out in the courtyard, it had rained a few days prior and the ground was soft. Probably one of the worst days to wear slides honestly.

You walk silently behind the rest of the group, the cold air of the October morning sends chills down your spine, it was partly cloudy too, it wasn't horrible weather it was nice. You look around for something of note as your partner went by the courtyard fence. You notice a tall male with grey hair and other students you don't recognize. Your eyes widen as you scoffed as you realized it was Alhaitham.

You speed walk towards your partner hoping he didn't see you, you sit down on the bar noticing the creek behind you two.

"oh, we could write about that..." you point, tapping the girl's arm.

"we could, but also... eh? What would we write about?" She tilts her head.

You shrug. she goes on her phone and you notice Alhaitham was looking in your direction, you make eye contact with him, which made him immediately turn the other direction. You scrunch your face as you notice a bug crawling on the bar. You scream and then start laughing as you scoot down the fences bar. You and your lab partner laugh and giggle as other kids come by to watch the slug.

You attempt to get up but end up getting your foot stuck which makes you fall. "Ow!—" you hiss, hitting your back on the metal part of the fence, twisting your ankle in the process.

"here wait let me help you-" your friend helps you out of the weird position you were in. Your eyes stung with tears as your foot throbs.

"I think I hurt my ankle," you mutter, your heart skips a beat and knocks the wind out of you. She helps you to your feet, you limp over the ditch, nearly falling again. "I'm fine.." you give your friend a painful smile as you attempt to walk back inside the building to get an ice pack. Realizing the door had been closed, probably moved by someone else, the teacher was so far away you couldn't possibly make it back without fainting.

You sigh, sitting down on the concrete next to the heavy metal door. You were next to the B student's lab work. You bury your head in your arms as the pain throbs through your entire leg.

Alhaitham sighs as he walks over to you, "I can take you inside. Are you able to walk?" He looks down at you, you quickly wipe the tears off your cheeks.

"... I'll be fine." You wince as you bring your leg closer to your chest. He sighs again.

"come on," he crouches down to your height, holding his hand out for you to take, you really just wanted to go inside. You take his hand and he helps you up, scooping you up and carrying you, bridal style, inside through the B door. You wrap your arms around his neck as students stare at you and guys snicker among themselves you want to to disappear.

"Alhaitham! What are you doing?" A teacher growls, glaring at you and him.

"taking them to the nurse, what else?" He responds so casually.

"Have you finished your assignment?" The teacher scoffs crossing his arms.

"hey wait— I'm sorry, I hurt myself outside and I couldn't get inside any other way, I can't walk either—" you gasp, the teacher scowls as he lets you and him past.

"minus the sprained ankle, what's the other reason?" Alhaitham questions, raising an eyebrow at you as you two past the teacher.

"I have a posture problem, which my symptoms are flaring up because I overdid it... again," you mutter bitterly. "It's not some sort of disease that'll spread. It's a nervous system— autonomic nervous system to be exact, defect." He nods as if he was completely understanding.

One of the jocks of the B team teased you and him, "oh lookit! He finally found someone!" They joke, he holds you closer to his chest. "If he doesn't want them I'll gladly swoop them off their feet," Disgusting. He glares at them, the hallway seems to go on forever.

"how do you normally deal with it?" He mumbles, glancing down at you.

"pushing through it— oh, do you mean like, when I have an episode? I just lay down until I feel like I can function again, if I can't then I'll just call home and go home." He makes a grunt noise as if he was listening.

You shiver slightly, the hallways are so cold. He took notice of your shiver and walks a little faster. You notice a certain blonde from the corner of your eye, "Kaveh!" You wave, he turns and sees Alhaitham carrying you. His expressions goes from excited to confused.

"hey!— what happened?" Kaveh runs up to you and Alhaitham.

"sprained their foot. I'm taking them to the nurse." Alhaitham cuts him off slightly.

"I would've never expected that from you.. are you okay?" Kaveh turns to you, worry covering his face.

"I'm okay for the most part, just my foot hurts a lot and I don't feel well, because of ykno.." Kaveh nods, Alhaitham glances down at your features, noticing how pale you've gotten.

"we should hurry.." he mumbles under his breath, it was so loud you couldn't hear what he said. "Kaveh, can you tell the teacher I will be late," kaveh nods, rolling his eyes dramatically.

"yeah yeah, hey, let me know if there's anything I can do," he lowers his voice, before going back into the classroom.

"are you and him friends?" You look up at Alhaitham, he's looking ahead to make sure he doesn't run into anyone or drop you.

"sort of, we're roommates." That answer catches you off guard, you think for a second.

"so... he's 18?" You mumble as if doing math in your head.

"yeah, I'm younger than him." That surprises you even more, your mouth drops open and your eyes widen. "...is it really that surprising?" He mumbles.

"I mean, yes?" You look at him as if he was crazy. "You're much taller and more mature looking than Kaveh— no offense to Kaveh, he is much more approachable than you," he laughs a bit.

The sound of him laughing catches you off guard, it wasn't a mocking laugh it was a good laugh, it sounded nice. When he smiles dimples are visible on his cheeks, he looks so much more different. "I've heard that before, I just never thought people thought kaveh was younger than me though,"

You smile as his small chuckle, before hearing commotion ahead of you. Two jocks throwing a football around and have a tussel in the hallway. You gulp anxiously, worried you're gonna get hit.

"Hey! Catch!" One of them yells at the other who ran behind you two, as the further one throws the ball Alhaitham carefully moves out of the way which makes the ball hit the other Jock in the stomach.

You smirk as the further jock laughs at the other's pain. Alhaitham turns the corner, walking a bit more and knocking on the nurses door, "come in," she responds.

"oh, it's you!" She directs her gaze to your face, "and Alhaitham, well good morning. What happened?" She tilts her head as he gently sets you down, helping you wobbling to the chair.

"they fell, and started breathing harshly. I don't think it would've been a good idea to let them walk by themselves and they hurt their ankle so I just carried them." He says swiftly, checking the clock. Sure enough, he was late. He sighs.

"I'll write a pass for you Alhaitham, don't worry. Could you elaborate on breathing harshly? Did the wind get knocked out of you?" She pulls up a chair to you checking your face. You seemed a lot paler than usual, your breathing was wobbly but you tried not to make it a big deal.

"I fell and hit the ground hard, which made me get my foot caught on the fence... my class was outside during a lab report, and yeah.." you huff, every other word you had to take a deep breath in. "..i dont know if i can make it the rest of the day," you sigh, disappointment written on your expression.

She puts an oxygen meter on your finger watching your heart's bpm and oxygen level, it wasn't reliable but it was better than nothing. She hums, quickly writing a note for alhaitham.

"Mr alhaitham, could you get their stuff from the classroom, I think I'm going to have to call home." She grabs a small baggie and fills it with ice and places it on top of your compression sock to stop the swelling. He nods, turning to you.

"what classroom were you in?" He asks still in the same monotone voice from before.

"um, 23A, the teacher probably heard what happened.." you mumble, sighing. Wincing as you hold the ice pack to your foot.

he nods, "is there anything else?" his gaze held yours a bit longer than it should've.

"that's all, thank you Alhaitham." she smiles as she reaches for her phone to call your parents, Alhaitham gives you a weird glance before exiting the nurses office.

You sigh, feeling even more dizzy. Pulling your knees to your chest, cringing at the pain in your foot. You closed your eyes as the teacher called your parents, Alhaitham stopped by again to see your head buried in your knees. Stopping yourself from crying, he doesn't say anything but leaves your things in the chair next to yours. A sticky note on top of it. Once he closes the door you look up and read the note, "sorry you don't feel well." That was all it said, his handwriting was neat and pretty, delicate cursive in a green pen.

---

., ok so this is definitely more than one chapter, Its roughly 3.5k words, I hope you enjoy :]

[sapphire-weapon]

Hey! I've been loving reading your posts, and I love your analysissssss.

I feel a bit embarrassed, asking as a fellow Older Person. But how do you characterize remake Leon in a way of ..does he actually GET any. Man has no rizz and low self esteem but i bet women love him. Plenty of hookups between missions or nah?

Remake Leon is tough when it comes to that kind of thing -- because, yeah, there's a big difference between how Remake Leon approaches sex vs how his OG counterpart approaches sex -- and I really don't think he gets laid a lot, if ever. He can probably count on his hands the number of times he's actually tried pursuing someone -- and that's in his entire life. If he gets any, it's almost always because he's the one who got seduced.

What I do is just kind of look at his approach to relationships in general in RE2make and RE4make and kind of tease out a characterization for his everyday life from there, if that makes sense? So, like, in RE2make, I really do think Leon entered Raccoon City a virgin. He's not, like, a wholly untouched "never seen a boob irl" virgin -- he's probably had his dick sucked a handful of times, maybe sucked one or two himself in college, has probably fingered maybe half a dozen girls (if that) and takes his cunnilingus skills very seriously. But that's it. I don't think he's ever actually scored.

The reason I say that is because of his interactions with Claire and Ada. With Claire, he's capable of being effortlessly charming despite his natural awkwardness -- and that makes sense because he's fresh out of college, and Claire is still in college, so they have a very similar approach when it comes to approaching the opposite sex and flirting and all that shit. But she's definitely more confident in all of those interactions than he is, so I really got the sense that she's a bit more experienced than he is, despite being two years younger.

And then there's Ada, who's older than him to begin with -- but even if she wasn't, she is a whole lot of woman. Ada amplifies all of Leon's insecurities while he struggles to keep up with her in every single type of scenario that the two of them find themselves in. She's the one who brings out and spotlights The Virgin(TM) in him, and that culminates in the kiss on the shuttle. Ada has spent the entire game so far sizing him up and trying to find the best way to get him to do what she wants without asking too many questions -- and the fact that he does shut the fuck up immediately after she kisses him is really telling re: the power an experienced woman can have over him. He clearly doesn't know what he's doing, so he just shuts up and lets her take control and guide him by the hand.

So, between Claire and Ada, it's like... you can tell he wants it. And he's capable of getting himself about halfway there. But once it crosses the line into "very serious" he freezes up because it's uncharted territory for him and he's loathe to disappoint. And the whole "not wanting to disappoint" thing is probably why he hasn't gone all the way yet in the first place. He probably, for whatever reason, missed the boat/didn't have the opportunity to lose his virginity in high school (I headcanon that he tied himself down to a prudish girlfriend who refused to actually take that step), and then felt really self-conscious about going into college a virgin. You gotta remember, Leon started college in late 1993/early 1994, and that was a big deal for guys back then. So he probably just kind of hung back and hoped no one would notice and waited for the opportunity to arrive with someone he trusted enough to tell his horrible secret to -- but that never came, either.

And now he's graduated at 21 and in Raccoon City and Ada Wong is playing him like a fiddle.

Fast forward to RE4make, and Leon's entire demeanor has changed.

All of those previous insecurities that Ada exploited are gone, and that nervous awkwardness that he had with Claire is gone, too. He got laid at some point between then and now, but the details of that are very unclear.

But one thing is for damn sure in RE4make: Leon is painfully, horribly, miserably lonely.

And because he's so lonely, I doubt that his sexual conquests were anywhere in the recent past. And then you look at what, exactly, he's been up to for the past six years, and a story kind of begins to tell itself.

I don't know if you've ever hung around military guys a lot, but I sure have (I kind of went through a phase in my late teens/early 20s where I basically only fucked active service members because of dat upper body strength), and if there's one thing those guys like to do? It's go out, get drunk, and try to get laid. And while Leon was never officially in the Army per se, those were the guys he was hanging out with post-RE2. Chances are, he tagged along for at least a few of those outings, and chances are -- like you said -- girls were all over him.

But, like. He's still Leon. I don't think he became a puss hound overnight or anything. In RE4make, he still very much keeps to himself -- he doesn't put himself "out there" so to speak. While he does hit on Ashley a handful of times, it's always in a very subtle, low-key way that feels more like he's trying to invite her to say something back to him, rather than just going for it and seeing how it shakes out (like his OG counterpart does).

I mean. That is to say. After the very first time he tries hitting on her COMPLETELY FUCKING WHIFFS, that is. LMAO get dunked, Leon.

So, I can very much see, like. 23 year old Leon out at a bar with his Army buddies, and he tries a line on a girl, and it goes nowhere, so he just cuts his losses and stops talking to her all together fkdshjfk Especially because, like. I think of Leon and Ashley's first meeting in RE4make, after she runs away from him and he just stands there and is like "That went well." Dude is no stranger to rejection. He definitely tried during some of those outings, but chances are he more often than not just kind of waited to see if girls would approach him, instead.

And I'm sure they did. And I'm sure the most success that Leon had was when he was following their lead when it came to the initial conversation/pick-up phase.

But. Then we circle back around to Leon being horribly lonely by the time of RE4make. And I think what's actually going on is that Leon realized, at some point, that those random hookups were, in some ways, making his depression worse -- because that's not who he is. It's never been who he is. Leon didn't even lose his virginity until he was old enough to legally drink -- probably because he wanted his first time to actually mean something -- and now he's just picking up random girls at bars?

I imagine Leon had a moment in the middle of the night where -- he's lying there in a bed that's not his, in a dark room he doesn't recognize in some stranger's house at three in the goddamn morning, and beside him is some girl he just got done fucking like an hour ago, whose name he barely knows -- and he just looks over at her, asleep, and he's just asking himself "what the fuck am I doing here?" So he just quietly slips out of bed, gets dressed, and lets himself out without so much as leaving a note behind for the girl to find the next morning.

And that's the last time he ever does anything like that. Probably was the last time he got laid leading into RE4make. And it was probably years before the start of that game.

So, like. I feel like Remake Leon has sort of sworn off random one-night stands, because they're always empty and meaningless and they leave him feeling more emotionally isolated than anything else -- the physical satisfaction isn't worth it, comparatively. If he does have a one-night stand, it would be with someone he maybe worked a mission with or at least knows a little bit, as opposed to not at all -- so, this would have to be post-RE4make, anyway.

But... Again, he's still Leon. He's still lonely and horny and he definitely still wants it. He definitely thinks about sex more often than he thinks about anything else. It's just that the biggest difference between Remake Leon and OG Leon is that OG Leon is self-destructive enough to keep going after it, whereas I think Remake Leon just stays home and jerks off a lot.

Like a lot.

Like sometimes more than twice a day.

[ginnsbaker]

That was Scenes from a Marriage (2021) level of angst, J. Can’t count the number of gasps I let out!

I have a lot of thoughts, i hope you don’t mind 😭

> Modern Idiots was a nice touch. 10/10 no notes. TS is MADE for fics.

> I absolutely love that Sara has become a recurring character! You write her so well, her confidence and appeal can be felt so vividly. It’s amazing how you were able to create an OC that is such a scene stealer (still picturing her as Rebecca btw)

> Chrysanthemums!!! I love how it’s like almost like an easter egg by now

> “Always just shy of what they hoped” “It’s more of an outline than a shape”

How beautifully put. being the eldest daughter in an asian household i have experienced that firsthand. You’ve captured that feeling so profoundly

> “I want to stop assuming things and thinking my perspective is the whole reality. We all do it, don’t we? Set traps for ourselves with our own expectations and assumptions.”

What a great thing to read at the end of a long, and taxing day.

> The confrontation scene was SUPERB. You have written an incredibly accurate scene of how painful and terrifying it is to stand across a person you love and to see this mask of coldness and indifference.

The courage it takes to stand there and try to chip at the walls, and to love a person who can switch off their emotions when it’s getting difficult.

Kudos to Leigh for trying, when it was easier to dismiss everything. And kudos to the reader for standing our ground.

“A lesser woman would have lost hope”

P.S.

I can’t say I understand nor condone Matt’s cheating. But i want to share how the conversation scene with Jules felt to me.

That for a brief moment there was hope, that despite the family’s feeling of grief and betrayal, and possibly conflicting feelings about us (given that we were a part of the disloyalty) there was a fleeting moment that we filled in the void of kindness that Matt left. That maybe, the memory of Matt isn’t all tarnished and somehow redeemed if his mistake brought another version of him, another sympathetic soul to their lives.

Thank you, J! This is an extraordinary work, and this chapter is just magnificent

Hi Oceane!!! So nice to hear from you :3

First of all, this is the first time I've heard of Scenes from a Marriage (2021), and I'm shocked that I don't know this movie existed because it has Jessica Chastain in it?? I need to see this asap!

re: modern idiots - I couldn't help myself because 40% of my inspiration always comes from TS' music. I physically cannot hold back from writing them into the fic lol

re: Sara - though nothing will ever be between y/n and Sara, i've grown to love her myself. But I wanted to portray an atypical relationship development between people who meet through dating apps. and of course, i wanted her there to remind Leigh that if she ever lets y/n go, y/n won't be left empty-handed ;)

re: mums - yes, the same flowers from ILGOSS :)

re: eldest daughter??? in an asian household??? are you like a mirror image of my life? lol. though i'm an only child. but i understand the pressure put on eldest asian daughters.

re: confrontation scene - i don't think i'd be able to write that if i haven't experienced that myself, tbh. it's painful and a risk, but someone needs to be brave or else it will fall apart.

re: final words on matt - I agree. I don't think one mistake makes a person. Matt was still kind, he did his best to love Leigh and in the end, it's himself he couldn't live with, and that was the tragedy.

Thank YOU for your wonderful introspection on the chapter. It's such an insightful read. I know I'll go back to your asks every now and then, and especially when I'm experiencing writer's block.

[pruning-the-minds-garden]

It's interesting I think, for as long as I've been in the hypnokink community - and bear in mind this is neither me asking nor expecting that to change - that I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've been deeply hypnotized. By that, I mean the times that I can think back and say, "yeah, they really could have made me do all kinds of stuff then and I wouldn't have questioned it," or, "they really had my head twisted up in knots," or something like that.

Every other time, I've felt to some degree like I was, "going through the motions" of being hypnotized, like I was choosing to act out the experience and I could at any time choose to stop. I know that doesn't invalidate the experience at all, and a lot of people never experience it differently and they are 100% valid, but there is always to some degree a craving and a reaching for the former experience as well. A desire for that loss of control. I've felt it - or at least it has been reported credibly - in many of my subjects, over the years, but rarely have I felt it myself.

It's weird, to have so rarely experienced something, but also to have created that experience in someone else. But at the same time, did I? How would I know? Is that experience the same for them as for me? Is it the same for any two people? Is it the same for any two trances, regardless of whether it's the same person? I dunno, maybe I'm just feeling overly philosophical this morning. Not a great mood when dealing with the remnants of a migraine, but there I am regardless.

[decaffeinatedparadisemaker]

2022 Year in Review

 Tagged by @kitausuret hiiiii kita <3

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 8, 2 of which are in-progress

2. Word count this year: 81,374

3. Fandoms I wrote for: MCU, Spider-Man (comics, Webb, Raimi), Spider-Gwen

4. Pairings: Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Peter Parker/Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker/Michelle Jones, Michelle Jones/Gwen Stacy, Jian Mei/Peter Parker

5. Stories with the most...  Kudos: Long Road Home - 24 Bookmarks: Long Road Home - 3 Comment Threads: Long Road Home - 15 Complicate Me, Elevate Me (Symbiot3) - 8 Word Count: Long Road Home - 38,375

6. Work I'm most proud of... Amazing Jian Mei, hands down, no contest. I have never seen any take on a Chinese MJ Watson, or an Asian MJ Watson outside of Meera Jain, who hasn’t had a lot of page time and has had zero screen time (a travesty). So, I rolled up my sleeves and tackled it myself, and I’m doing my absolute best to represent Chinese and Asian culture and traditions and everything and still make her MJ Watson, and y’know what? I kinda like what I’ve done. And her story is just beginning! Please please please I am begging you please read it and comment and recomm to others; I really really really want more people to understand appreciate Chinese culture outside of the usual food

7. Work I'm least proud of: Probably Unfamiliar & Unknown, but only because I’m stuck tbh hahaha

8. A favorite review I received: Honestly, anytime I see a comment on Amazing Jian Mei I die of love, but if I had to pick a few (no way can I just pick one):

@weoffendedshadows ‘s comment on Chapter 1:

As promised - there is something amazing about seeing a character whom I have built up an image in my mind, of how they look, act, and just generally exist, and then is challenged so thoroughly and deeply that i can't help but look and see the same character in a new light. This is MJ, the same one I've been reading for years now, and I am loving how that same personality shows up here.

I also love the importance of culture within this story, how MJ struggles with the new world she finds herself in, while holding onto what is herself. I'm looking forward to seeing Peter here.

- Honestly after I had posted the first chapter I was so petrified that people would hate the idea of a Chinese MJ Watson, and to see this comment gave me so much encouragement and justified my decision to put this out. Because writing AJM isn’t pulled out from nowhere; I’m ethnically Chinese myself, and almost everything culture-specific is something I either experienced myself or something that I personally know has.

Em jeet ‘s comment on Chapter 6:

Oooh MJ got a lil spicy in this chapter! I adore the way you write her btw. She’s so perfectly wonderfully in character while also being Chinese. Idk, it’s just nice to see you let her be both, because some people can only manage one or the other.

Good lord, but the tension building (in her head) between her and Peter is fantastic. I hope to get a confession— Spider-Man or otherwise— at some point

- Em has been one of my more consistent commentators, but if I had to pick one this is it. The balance between being Chinese and being recognizably MJ Watson is, well, something I had dearly hoped I hit, and to see someone recognize my efforts? No words

@kitausuret ‘s comment on Chapter 7:

WHEW finally I made it to the last of the updates!

Oh! I forgot to mention earlier I think it's interesting that Liz is a journalist in your universe! I wonder if she's ever worked with Betty, or Robbie, or anyone kind of adjacent to the Bugle fam like Ben Urich. Fascinating stuff!

I like the conversation between May and Mei, it's so good. May knowing Peter's secret identity is also kind of a neat development here, but at least it sounds like here she didn't discover her nephew was Spider-Man because he was collapsed half-dead in her home. Little things~!

Aaaaaand of course, gotta love that little bit of tension between Peter and Mei. It's fate. ;)

Oh, one more thing: what inspired you to have Mei pursue medicine, out of curiosity? I really liked in 616 how MJ started pursuing a psychology degree so that's what I immediately thought of, but I love learning where people pull inspiration from. 💖

- @kitausuret is completely unhinged because of Mei, but this comment dug deeply to me, because she picked up something so important - the medicine thing, which is an important cultural discussion. I am so, so, so glad she picked up on how important this was to me <3

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: It generally is hard because I think the fandom is dry right now, but two periods in particular tested me: the first is right now with regard specifically to Unfamiliar and Unknown, simply because I find writing a Far From Home adaptation Very Hard. The second was when I was writing that certain scene in Chapter 3 of Amazing Jian Mei - you’ll understand what scene I refer to if/when you read it (although I will not judge you if you wish to skip it), but I literally cried while writing it and was crying myself to sleep that night.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: Hmm not sure. I’ll have to think about this one.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: I’m not sure I can call it my absolute favorite, but this scene from Chapter 1 of Amazing Jian Mei is definitely up there:

Mei blinked and focused on the screen, where, truth be told, she had the fewest requests from Rainbow’s list of models. Part of it was undoubtedly because she was new, but… “I do not understand what that has to do with my name.”

Andy grimaced, looking visibly uncomfortable. “Mei, in my years working, I’ve noticed that models with more, uh, Western names, tend to get more bookings. It’s why I changed my stage name myself; my real surname is Karim. I’m an American citizen, was born and raised here, and Andrew Joseph are my real given names, but for a while it was difficult for me to find bookings with an Arabic surname, so I picked O’Conner from a phone book. In the same way, Jian Mei is an obviously Chinese name, so…” he spread his hands helplessly. “I don’t like it either, Mei, but it’s an option I recommend.”

Mei nodded. “Dawn told me something similar, but she only said it was because she was tired of people mispronouncing her name.”

Andy nodded. “She chose Dawn from her surname.”

Mei raised both eyebrows. The surname 萧 had absolutely nothing to do with the word “dawn”, but thinking about it, she realized that the almost identically-pronounced 晓 (minus the vastly different intonation, which any Chinese speaker would immediately pinpoint, but which most non-speakers would probably hardly notice) translated to Dawn. So… “What if I make a stage name similar to mine?”

Andy nodded. “Most non-speakers would butcher your name into Jane May, which is a start.”

Mei thought about it. “Is that a good name?”

Andy rubbed his chin in thought. “It’s just, they’re both first names, and they’re not so catchy.”

“How about May first? It is the correct pronunciation of my real name anyway.”

“Hmm,” Andy was visibly perking up, and looking intensely at Mei (which gaze, however, she didn’t mind; unlike the other gazes she was used to, Andy’s was pure thought and focus and creativity). “May Jane, May Jane. It’s still a little softer than I’m used to, but-ah!” A snap of the fingers. “How do you feel about Mary?”

Mei thought about it. “Mary Jane is not so far from May Jane.”

“Mary Jane, Mary Jane, yes, I can see it.” Then she saw Andy realize something, as his shoulders slumped and his eyes defocused. “But that can’t be just it, because Mary Jane can also be slang for marijuana, and we don’t want your stage name to be immediately associated with, well, that.”

Mei sat back and pursed her lips. “How about if we add something to Mary Jane?”

Andy’s eyes refocused on her face. “Like a third name? Something Western? Yes, yes, that could work. Do you like anything?”

Mei slumped. This was hard; she didn’t know that many Western surnames that she liked. Chewing her lip, she looked around Andy’s office for inspiration, and finding none, thought about the contents of her bag-ah.

Mei smiled, and Andy immediately noticed.

“What is it?”

She reached into her bag, pulled out the book she had bought the previous week, and showed it to Andy, who tilted his head to one side in puzzlement. “The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes? Mary Jane Holmes?”

Still smiling, Mei shook her head. “I was actually thinking of Dr. Watson.”

Andy’s eyes lit up in excitement. “Yes, yes, yes, it’s excellent. Excellent! A good addition to our team.” Rapidly, Andy snatched back his laptop and started typing furiously, then hit the enter key and leaned back. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the newest model of Rainbow International, miss Mary Jane Watson.”

Letting a grin spread across her face to match the one on Andy’s, and feeling a surge of confidence and adventurousness, Mei stood up and reached a hand across the table. “You can also call me MJ.”

12. How did you grow as a writer this year: I started writing. I have never written anything before, except for the usual creative writing classes way back in high school and college, which were all more than a decade in the past.

13. How do you hope to grow next year: If I can continue bringing Mei to the page that’ll be the greatest thing ever.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year: Too many to mention. Uhh. @seek--rest of course, @promiseofthepremise, @jenniboo311, @pepperminttegan @kitausuret @dyde21 @evil-pony @mysterycyclone @anarchyduck @inkpenparker @weezly14 @demigod-of-the-agni GOD I AM FORGETTING SOMEONE I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY PLEASE LMK I WILL ADD YOU HERE I’M SORRY

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: Like I said. Everything culture-specific in Amazing Jian Mei either came from my personal experience, or from something experienced by someone I personally know

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: Just write. I know how scary it is. But I promise you, there will be that one person who reads it and loves it and tells you that they love it, and you’ll fall in love.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I’m looking forward to continuing Amazing Jian Mei (not sure so much about finishing, but definitely continuing). Plus another couple ideas marinating.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read: I think everyone I tagged has already answered this but again if I forgot to tag you as a positive influence please don’t pitchfork me I am sorry again

And before I forget:

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR BELOVED @seek--rest !!!!!

[frostironfudge]

Sparkle - Bucky Barnes (one shot)

Summary: this is my entry for @pellucid-constellations 's #loveletterswritingchallenge i sincerely enjoyed writing this, it was so much of fun to come up with a story that left me all fuzzy and happy.

Pairing: bestfriend!bucky x plus size female!reader (set in an AU)

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson, Sharon Carter, Brock Rumlow, Natasha Romanoff, Winnie Barnes, Rebecca Barnes

Warnings: fluff, angst, recount of bullying comments experienced by the reader, mentions of fatphobic comments, fluff, mentions of anxiety attacks, swearing, mutual pining, no smut, sam and natasha have the braincell in the two friendships. please note if any of this triggers you please do not read. you are responsible for the media you consume.

A.N: this is my first time writing a plus sized reader, being plus sized i've always wanted to explore writing for a reader who looks like me, i hope i've done well, if not i will strive to improve my writing so please be kind, thank you. that being said, i am immensely proud of what i have written.

Word Count: 8432

dividers are by the lovely @firefly-graphics

masterlist // Ao3

seven.

‘dear y/n,

your sparkle pens are really pretty

i will share my new crayons if you share your sparkle pens.

-bucky’

‘dear bucky,

i want the blue crayon, you pick a sparkle colour, i will share it with you

-y/n’

‘dear sparkle,

i want the purple sparkle, because its your favourite, i wanna be your favourite too.

-bucky’

‘dear bucky,

you are my favourite.

and you can have the purple sparkle.

-sparkle’

‘dear sparkle,

i think we are going to be best friends.

-bucky’

‘dear bucky,

i think so too.

-sparkle’

Fifteen.

“what do you mean you are moving away?” You ask, confusion laces through your features.

“It means I have to go to a new city, my dad got a new job, they gave him a fancy house. Sparkle I don’t want to move.” Bucky is looking sullen, his blue eyes hold a sadness that is slowly seeping into his heart with every minute that passes.

It is slowly sinking in what is going to happen, he has go leave everything here, his childhood home, the mini play house at the backyard, this swing set you both have been sitting on since time began, and you.

“Will you come back, Bucky?” You wonder, not being able to fathom or imagine not having Bucky next to you, everything you both did you did together.

From filling the backpack of Brock Rumlow with whipped cream because he was bullying the younger kids on the block to stealing freshly baked cookies from the counter and confusing your mother on her number of cookies count.

Hiding in the small room you both discovered behind his wardrobe, eating snacks and possibly talking to a ghost lurking in the shadows.

Bucky and you were both skeptical about the ghost, so what if the chocolate was moved right when you said the ghost should move it?

Bucky’s eyes refocus onto your hunched over form, as you wrote something on a piece of paper. He’d miss this exchanging of notes between the two of you.

Folding the paper you hand it over, heart cracking as realisation dawns upon you when you watch Winnie Barnes and your mother put the last of the kitchen appliances into their boxes.

Winnie gestures for Bucky to come back inside. Bucky’s fingers tighten around your little note.

He takes one glance at you, trying to remember you so he doesn’t forget he’s so scared to forget.

He won’t but it scares him, so much.

You watch as he returns back inside, leaving you on the swing set. You look down at the indented grass.

Would the earth ever cover up the memories that your tiny pairs of feet created upon her?

Or would these indents serve as your only reminder?

Later that night when everyone else is asleep in the half empty home.

Bucky pulls out the note from his pocket, smoothening the paper against his duvet the white paper glows yellow in the lamp light.

‘dear bucky,

please don’t forget about me,

you’re going to make new friends, you’re going to have an amazing time there, you will have fun and the house will be nice, i could come visit maybe, or you could, we can write letters?

you’re my best friend, i love you.

i miss you already.

-sparkle’

His bright blue eyes settle on the small picture frame on his bedside that houses his favourite picture of the two of you, simultaneously having broken the same tooth and holding up the evidence with gleeful toothless smiles in anticipation for the tooth fairy.

Bucky wiped his cheek when he felt something warm, the salty tears finding him, why does that stupid fancy house have to be far away from all that he wants?

<><><><><>

“Why does he have to go mum? Bucky can stay with us, he can take my room!” You offer for the umpteenth time since your return.

“Baby, we spoke about this, his dad has a job offer and it will be good for them, Bucky will be happy and—,”

“NO! He isn’t happy none of you want to listen.” You scream at her.

Your mom’s gaze softens, she sits down on the couch, tucking your hair back,

“Are you sad that James has to leave?” She wonders, you nod, lip wobbling.

“I know it can be a lot to handle right now, you and James are both very brave and such good kids that you are listening to us, but baby this is something that will help their family. Do you understand? It will be good for them. It will be a lot to go through, but sweetheart they need this change.” You mom holds both your hands between her palms.

“But he will forget me, I, Mum he’s my best friend, my only friend.” You can’t stop the tears now, the fear of losing Bucky and him possibly forgetting who you are coursing rampant through you.

“Oh sweetheart, best-friends never forget each other, no matter the distance no matter if they speak regularly or not.” She gently wipes your tears away, kissing your cheek.

You retreat to your room, laying head down on the bed and letting more tears pour out.

Nineteen.

You stare at the calendar, hanging by your desk, if you could you would burn a hole through today’s date.

Barnes’ moving in day.

Those four words stare at you, mockingly. Four and a half years ago he moved away, ripping your duo apart.

Countless letters, left without reply, not a reply even to the funny birthday card you sent, so you stopped writing after nine months of radio silence.

Maybe he did forget you.

<><><><><><>

Month 1

‘Dear Bucky,

I hope you’ve moved in fully now, i miss you. Watching pixar movies without you does not feel right.

How is the weather there? Mom told me it is much more warmer and does not rain as often.

Have you gone to school yet? I hope you have fun there, write back soon.

-Sparkle.’

Month 4

‘Dear Bucky,

happy sixteenth birthday!

i know we had planned those star shaped candles like that one movie so i found them! I’ll ask mum to tell your mum to take a picture, i found two sets of candles so i’m keeping one for myself and i exchanged the blue and purple.

i miss you.

i hope school is easier, still sucks here, remember i told you Rumlow tried to steal lunch money last month? He tried it again, i threw my chocolate milk on his head.

You would have laughed so much.

Though I regret it because I didn’t have an extra chocolate milk. You would have kept an extra one for me. I miss laughing with you.

i love you bucky.

Hope you write back soon.

-sparkle.’

Month 5

‘Dear Bucky,

I sent in that story I wrote! I’ll tell you if I won or not, Rumlow is being a dickhead. Don’t tell Winnie I taught you the word dickhead or I’ll tell her the f word is what you taught me.

-Sparkle’

‘Dear Bucky,

I won second place!, I’m sending a snippet from the paper! Do you remember? This is about the chocolate moving ghost in your room.

Are there any ghosts in your new room?

Write soon, I miss you and your handwriting.

-Sparkle.’

<><><><><>

Winnie and your mom spoke every two weeks on the phone, you would catch tail ends of the conversations.

As did Bucky, he would stand behind the kitchen entryway, to eavesdrop;

“I know, I’ve tried talking to him about it, I know Y/N’s upset, I’m so sorry. I’ll try speaking to him again. Oh, I won’t. I’ll see if he will, oh and yes did you catch the episode,”

Bucky tuned out his mother’s words retreating to his room he had gone out to grab the mail, little did he know he was holding your last letter from the mailbox.

He sighed as his fingers traced over the envelope, the paper too familiar under his fingertips.

He glanced at the purple candle in his pen holder cup.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to reply, he just couldn’t bring himself to do so, he met people at his school. Friends now who were in a similar situation as him.

They all said friends forget or they don’t write back, its easier rather than being hurt over losing a friend. A best friend.

Bucky looked at the stack of letters he attempted to write back to you.

‘Dear Sparkle,

I don’t like it here, they closest theatre is an hour away and Pixar without you just sucks.

It has been a week, i got your letter, people at school say long distance friendships don’t last and people forget each other.

We aren’t like that. We are best friends, we won’t forget each other. I am scared that it might happen, but it won’t right?

- Bucky’

Bucky sighs, turning the letter around in his hands, as his gaze falls onto the birthday envelope he made for you.

‘Dear Sparkle,

I’m sending a blue candle, you won’t believe it they just had one purple and blue candle remaining! You know just like the movie? when you make a wish can you wish for me to come back?

i’m going to ask if i can visit.

i miss you so much, sparkle.

-Bucky’

Bucky puts on a brave face, your letter feeling heavy in his hands, he opens the envelope and unfolds your twelfth letter to him, it has been nine months, he hasn’t sent out the letters nor did he come on the phone when his mom would urge him.

Month 9

‘Dear Bucky, Barnes,’

Bucky’s stomach took a tumble, you only called him Barnes when you were mad at him.

‘It has been hard, I don’t know how much mum told your mum. Dad well, just things fuck.

Things haven’t been that great since you left, mum says that things have gotten better for your family, i’m glad to hear that but i still miss you, you haven’t returned any of my letters and it probably is annoying you or maybe you forgot about me, i hope your new friends are great and school goes well for you. I’m not trying to imply that you should feel bad or guilty or that you should feel guilty, its just, it was nice to have a friend? Now I don’t.

It has gotten hard here for several reasons, i don’t want to bore you, if you are even reading the letters.

on my birthday i used the blue candle on a cupcake, i wished you would come back. I don’t think that will come true. Remember the cupcakes we baked with your mum? I used that recipe.

I don’t think I will be writing anymore, I don’t want to bother you or remind you of things that you may have forgotten. or wanted to forget.

still love you bucky, you’re my best friend.

- Sparkle Y/N.’

Bucky couldn’t read the paper anymore, the colours blended together before he blinked his tears away. Your handwriting just a muddled blur of ink. You’re saying goodbye to him, you’re hurting and he just added to it.

“Bucky?” Winnie Barnes enters her child’s room, brows furrowed in worry as his shoulders shake.

“She won’t write anymore.” Is all he says, turning around to hug his mother.

“Oh sweetheart, she is hurt, you haven’t written back, I know you have unsent letters,” She pulls away from him, running a hand through his hair and wiping his tears.

“Why don’t you send one? She is having a hard time at home. It will cheer her up.” Winnie offers, Bucky shakes his head.

“James…”

“Mum they don’t last these friendships all my friends here are just,” Bucky lets out an exasperated sigh.

“James Barnes.” His mom uses her warning tone.

“Y/N has been your best friend since you both were in diapers. You write her a letter and send it over, I know it is hard, I know it hurts you too, but I can’t watch you let this friendship fade away. Understood? It will be her choice if she wants to write back and you have to respect that.”

Bucky nods going to his desk and bringing out a pen and paper. Winnie pats his head, smiling at him as he begins writing what he wants to say to you.

Nineteen.

Bucky looks sullen, they’re moving back, couldn’t get the old house house three down from yours but they got the one right next to your home.

He wanted to be mad at you for not responding to his letter but he never held it against you, maybe he was too late.

“Bucky?” Winnie looks at him through the rearview mirror, she had taken over driving the remaining leg of the journey. They were going to stay at your house and that had him on edge.

“Yeah Ma?” He meets her gaze, knowing she probably caught onto his nerves. He had taken the semester off from university his dad’s untimely demise had left an aching hole between his family. They were healing but Bucky felt lost.

“It will be okay, between you both.” She assures him, then gazes at Rebecca who is fast asleep in the passenger seat.

“I hope so.” He says, fiddling with his jacket.

<><><><><>

You made cupcakes, the very ones you had learned to make from Winnie, you had spoken to her after you decided to stop the letters, she wasn’t angry as you had expected. She knew Bucky had messed up and had told you about his letter. You never read it. Just looking at it made your burst into tears.

So you tucked it away in the box labelled Sparkle and Bucky, where you stored away the trinkets collected till age fifteen and his unopened letter.

You pulled your thoughts away and onto the upcoming months you were visiting a publication expo due to the deferral year you took from university. Independently writing for a magazine, running your own blog of micro poetry and pieces was doing okayish.

However an internship with an independent publication house made you realise working in this industry is where you would thrive.

The car coming to a halt outside had your mother squeal and run out, then two squeals could be heard followed by laughter. You went up to the door, eyes on Winnie and your mother, a clicking sound made you look at the source.

Bucky brought the camera down from covering his face, as he grinned admiring the two best friends, his hair longer and he seemed much more taller and you notice how much more bigger his biceps have gotten.

“Oh, Y/N!” Winnie calls you with glee, “Look at you! All grown up the pictures you mother sent do no justice to how beautiful you are,” She bounds up at steps arms outstretched you smile with a blush warming your cheeks.

“You’re too kind.” You mumble, you know your features are sweet but the weight you’ve gained along the way would at times make you think otherwise.

“Oh nonsense.” She dismisses your attempt to take the compliment, “Beautiful.” She tucks your hair back, placing a kiss to your cheek.

Rebecca follows her mom giving you a kiss on the cheek and a warm sleepy hug.

“Okay you can go crash in my room.” You laugh as she yawns out a thank you, swiftly making her way upstairs.

Bucky is unloading the bags, you put your hands in the back pocket of your jeans contemplating.

The mothers share a look, “Y/N why don’t you go help James?” Your mom says, you shoot her a look, Winnie pulls her inside before you can catch onto their little planning.

Bucky hits his head on the trunk door when he sees you stand next to him.

“Shit,” He rubs his head, looking at you, pausing as he takes in your appearance. You feel small under his towering form, you both don’t say anything for a while just standing there, awkwardly.

What do you even say to your long lost best friend?

“I’m sorry.” Bucky verbal vomits the apology without thinking, you raise an eyebrow, “For um, for putting your mum and you through all this trouble.” He gestures around with his hand.

“Oh, um not really a problem.” You shrug and move to grab a bag from the trunk.

“Um, that is my camera equipment…” Bucky looks the bag with such admiration, you’re almost scared to put it back down.

“I can be careful… If you want to switch no problem…” You offer the bag and he switches. The trip back to the house is silent.

Some how both of you still manage to walk in sync.

Winnie tells you the major chunk of things are coming with the movers tomorrow as you and Bucky settle around the dining table with mugs of coffee.

“Bucky, mum tells me you’re into photography now?” Your mom smiles fondly at the boy in front of her, she did pinch his cheeks moments ago and Bucky knew she would do it again. He grinned.

“I am, yes, I run my own blog, did a few indie band shoots for their Instagram pages, also covered a friend’s wedding.”

Bucky talks animately and you find yourself smiling as he speaks fondly about his passion, blue eyes filled with pride and joy.

“Oh and this is the best thing that happened in a while.” Bucky pulls out his phone, “I have a friend, they have huge writing blog posted one of my photographs and held a competition and god the entries are all so great especially this one.” Bucky loads the comment.

“Wait a second, Y/N what is your blog’s name?” Your mom looks at you, your eyes widen in panic as realisation hits, Bucky reads the blog’s name and you nod.

“Holy shit, Sparkle! You’ve written such great stuff, I practically broke my phone reading and scrolling! I even showed Rebecca and Ma, god you’re talented and you even won that competition, Sparkle, damn—,” Bucky’s excited chatter stops when he realises he used your nickname and revealed the fact he read your letters.

“Excuse me.” Is all you say before running up to your room, voice on the verge of tears, Bucky stays in his seat, head in his palms.

“Just give her sometime.” Your mum assures him giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Don’t think she will give me more…” He takes a deep breath, “Should I?” He asks the two insightful women, they shake their heads.

“After dinner, I’ll send you both to pick up groceries then you can speak.” Winnie high fives her best friend.

Bucky looks between the pair questioningly and decides he wont wait, he grabs a notepad from his bag as he makes his way to the guest room.

‘dear sparkle y/n,

i’m sorry, i’m an idiot.

though i stand by it, your pieces are beautiful.

-bucky.’

He slips the note under your door and retreats to his designated room opposite to yours before you decide to slide it out.

Dinner passes by wordlessly on your part, only answering yes and no when spoken to directly. Bucky hopes to coax laughter out of you, so he tries making jokes but when you don’t respond to them he keeps quiet.

“Sweetheart, would you run to the store? We want to start the move earlier so a few groceries should be better bought earlier.” Your mom requests as you finish drying the dishes with Rebecca.

“Okay.” You take a once over of your appearance, deciding to keep wearing the superhero shirt and shorts.

“Do you have a list?” You ask Winnie who nods, Bucky is helping put away the dishes, so you think at least he may not tag along.

Winnie hands it to you, sheepishly smiling at the length of the list, “I know it is a lot but,”

“No, No, don’t worry about it. I-if I can’t find something I’ll let you know.” You look up at her, biting your bottom lip, Bucky looks at you as you shift from one foot to the other. You never did enjoy the task he recalls.

You smile at her, the prospect of the night drive is appealing.

“Oh Bucky has my card so he can tag along with you.” Winnie adds just as you grab your cardigan and purse, so much for enjoying the drive.

Bucky wonders if your shoulders stiffen because you’re uncomfortable. He almost backs out; trusting you with the pin of the card.

“Oh sure.” you say heading out the door to your car.

Bucky looks at the three women, they give him a thumbs up each. He wonders how much luck would he need to repair his friendship with you.

You’re waiting in the car, head on the wheel, “Just groceries, you don’t have to talk.” you mutter trying to soothe yourself.

Bucky opens the door and you straighten up too quickly, hitting your head on the lowered visor which snaps it back up with a thunk, “Ow.”

“You okay?” Bucky looks worried as you rub your head, the light in the car showing him your tinted cheeks, he chuckles.

“Are you laughing at me?” You ask, he pales.

“No-no I just, I hit my head in the afternoon and now you did… It reminded me of,” Bucky’s smile returns,

“The museum?” You laugh at the memory, both of you took a tumble down the steps to the museum getting scrapes on your knees, the injuries placed same but received at different hours.

Your smile doesn’t fade as you pull onto the road driving to the 24 hour store fifteen minutes away a comfortable silence takes over which is only broken by the light songs on the radio.

Bucky finds himself taking in your appearance, you have changed so little yet so much he thinks, the way you hold yourself with more confidence, when you aren’t worrying about how things are between the two of you.

Your laughter still the same that shines through him, the sound making him laugh even more than what the joke would be, god he missed you.

You could feel his eyes on you, you tug the shorts down, skin bunching as the hem tightens when you sit. A little self consciousness flooding through you.

Bucky notices the movement, his eyes trail over your thighs and he wonders briefly how they would feel wrapped around him if he lifted you up in a hug like before.

You are in the milk aisle when you hear the familiar snickers, Bucky was on the other end finding the flavoured yogurts Rebecca requested on text.

“I never knew cows came to inspect the milk.” Sharon Carter laughs, you roll your eyes a fake pleasantry smile on your face.

“Sharon, always a pleasure.” You turn back to grabbing the milk you need putting it into the cart.

Bucky’s eyebrows furrow when a taller man joins the blonde you were speaking to, he feels something off. He quickly grabs the selected boxes of yogurt and walks over.

You try moving forward when Brock Rumlow stops your cart. Great.

“Oh come on a deferral, just say the university has no space to accommodate your size.” Rumlow gives a hearty chuckle as Bucky’s jaw clenches.

“I thought I recognised the scared little bully.” Bucky says placing the items in the cart then standing next to you, “Was is shaving cream in your bag or was it whipped cream?” He reminds Brock who clenches his hand into a fist.

“Barnes?” Rumlow asks, Bucky nods.

“Oh this is rich,” Rumlow looks at you, you pale.

“Was it not his letter you roamed around with?” He asks, then Sharon smirks.

“Oh I remember! Oh Bucky they called me a fat pig, Oh Bucky I miss you.” She makes mocking smooching noises and you wince recalling their harsh words.

Bucky’s hand clenches on the cart’s handle.

“How did your universities accept bullies? Or did you get rejected since your bigheadedness take up more space than they could accommodate?” Bucky asks, pushing the cart harshly into Rumlow who moves giving way to move to the next aisle.

As you pass by them, “Fatty got left all alone and weak, if you hear her it sounds like a pig’s squeak.” Sharon belts out the old rhyme they came up with in school, you pause, Bucky is about to go punch Brock and you stop him, turning around with a bottle of chocolate milk in hand.

The two bullies don’t see it coming when you empty the entire one litre bottle on their heads as they are turned away. Both turn very slowly. Bucky pulls you back, both abandoning the cart and running through the aisles with Brock hot on your heels.

Bucky looks at you unable to help his laughter at what you did, you laugh with him and you both feel like you are twelve running away from Brock once again. Bucky leads you behind the frozen food aisle, pressing you against the wall and him facing you. The dry ice smell cascades around your senses.

Both of you breathing hard, Bucky feels the steady rise of your chest against his own, he looks down at you, you look up at him and his breath catches god your eyes hold that same sparkle that gave you your nickname when you both were seven.

His heartaches at how long it has been since he saw you happy with him there as witness.

When you look up at Bucky you didn’t understand the expression on his face it, it seemed as though longing muddled with happiness?

Your eyes flicker to his lips, parted to catch his breath. You dismiss the thought but not before it makes you blush. You look away to his hand still intertwined with yours, making you smile.

Bucky’s free hand twitches, wanting you to look back into his blue eyes.

“Where are you two?” Brock’s voice is close, Bucky and you slip back backing away quietly.

“Brock let it go, my dress is stained. Ugh.” Sharon complains much to your relief.

You both peek out from the aisle, sighing as the coast is clear.

You look at Bucky during the walk back to the abandoned cart his gaze is upon you, when your eyes meet, his lip twitches and you both break into a fit of giggles. Bucky wipes the tears from his eyes and you try to even out your breathing as the laughter calms down.

You take inventory of the cart frowning that you used the last bottle of chocolate milk for your plan, till an outstretched arm holds a smaller chocolate milk bottle in your vision.

Bucky has a small smile gracing his lips, azure eyes full of hope, “Saved you a bottle.”

Adoration courses through you and so does the love you hold for Bucky which had been tucked away.

You raise your arms and engulf him in a hug, Bucky is taken aback but quickly wraps his arms around you. Sighing as the ache on his heart is slowly fading into nothingness.

“I’m sorry I never wrote back, sparkle.” Bucky whispers, stroking your hair, the scent of vanilla grounding him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t read your letter. I was so mad at you.” You whisper back, tightening the hug.

“Rightfully so.” Bucky pulls away to look at you, you’re crying too, “God, I wish I could have been there, written back, you went through all this shit. I’m so sorry, sparkle.”

“It, its not okay but I think we can try again? Our friendship?” You look at him hopeful, he smiles, nodding and pulling you into a bear hug.

Bucky sniffles, “I did, I did write replies, when we unpack tomorrow, I’ll show you the letters.”

When you check into the hotel three months later, you furrow your eyebrows when the receptionist hands a letter addressed to you.

Smiling as you recognise Bucky’s handwriting you open it in the elevator too excited,

‘Dear Sparkle,

good luck on your first publishing exhibition/expo/experience you’re going to learn so much and beat all the people outta their seats, i kind of buttered up your mom to give me the address of your hotel.

i wanted us to start writing letters again, it has been something we did and shared and only if you’re comfortable then you can write back if it is difficult then we can stick to texts and sending memes.

i miss you, college is going okay, been about two weeks since i left home, god i still can’t believe the chocolate piece moved. do you think the ghost it latched to one of us?

love you sparkle, send me pictures from the trip.

-bucky’

You grin holding the letter to your chest as you walk into the room you share with the other intern at your work place.

Immediately you start writing a reply on the hotel stationary.

<><><><><><><>

Bucky sighs entering his apartment, who told him to major in journalism and history? Though being a photo journalist is something he wants to do dearly just the path of education is seemingly harder today.

He received your texts, smiling as he read how excited you were for everything going on at the publication expo, endless goofy pictures you sent him made his heart swell with adoration. It had been 4 days since he knows you received his letter.

He’s laughing while replying to the picture you sent him of an apple just lying underneath a traffic light, no idea why you both find it funny.

“Whose got Broody Barnes all happy?” Sam Wilson his room-mate says walking into the hall, dropping a stack of envelopes onto the table.

“Sparkle.” Bucky says, looking at a surprised Sam.

“The Sparkle?” Sam enquires, leaning over the couch and trying to peek at the texts.

“Yes.” Bucky locks the phone and Sam pouts, “Oh come on.”

“By the way there is some mail for you.” Sam informs, Bucky eagerly grabs the stack, sifting through and landing on the envelope bearing his name in your writing.

He quickly opens it, excitement flooding through his being.

‘Dear Bucky,

i can’t believe how you pulled off having the letter here before me, i read it in the elevator. I miss you too. i think the ghost moves around our neighbourhood.

i’m glad to hear college is going well, though i think doing a double major may be hard, i believe in you and your capability to get through it.

i think i might go ahead with the double major as well, I took a year’s deferral so, I don’t really know how will it go.

i’m proud of you.

love you too buck i’m sending you a picture as i write.

-sparkle.

ps. waiting for your next letter.’

Bucky can’t wipe the grin off of his face.

twenty three.

‘dear sparkle,

my recruitment week starts next week, i’m so nervous.

i really wish you were here. i know i can call you but it just won’t be the same.

all these questions are swirling in my mind, what if i do not get the placement i want? what if the internships i did were the wrong choice? what if my grades aren’t impressive?

you would know what to say, could you just give my interviews for me?

fuck, sparkle i don’t even know what pictures to put in my portfolio.

what kind of photographer does not know his strongest pictures?

i hope your exam week is going well, also you’re going to win that creative writing competiton that you’re worried about, send your piece to me so i can read it over, if you need an objective opinion? but i’m biased towards you. you will win it.

sorry to dump this on you, i know you’ve had a busy and hard week.

will you be visiting home for break? i might be depending on how the recruitment goes. maybe we could co-ordinate flights?

i miss you.

-bucky.’

You read Bucky’s letter on the night of exam week being over, most of the classes are done for the semester, an idea pops up in your head and you call your mom then Rebecca to get Bucky’s roommate’s number.

When Sam receives you at the train station and you can finally understand why Bucky trusts him immensely, Sam has this comforting aura that radiates warmth and safety, for a minute you wonder if Rutgers makes everyone go hard at the gym and wear more form sitting outfits because like damn, Sam.

“So whats with the nickname Sparkle?” Sam ponders never getting an answer out of his friend.

“No idea, Bucky gave it to me.” You shrug, realising you never really asked the question yourself.

“Oh come on, he won’t tell me either.” Sam whines, as he helps you with your bag into the elevator, you can only offer a sympathetic smile, “I’m as clueless as you buddy.” You pat his back.

“So you’re at Yale?” He asks as the two of you walk down the hallway.

“Yes, Psychology and English major. What do you study?”

“Aerospace Engineering.” Sam says with a grin.

“Wait you’re like smart, smart.” You comment.

Sam’s booming laughter infects you as you join in.

“Please say that in front of Bucky.” He requests and you grin nodding.

Sam opens the door carefully, when he knows for sure Bucky is in his room he lets you in and guides you to Bucky’s door.

“Good Luck.” He whispers backing away to take the video as you requested.

You raise your hand and knock, you can hear shuffling on the other side and a shirtless toned chest is what you are at eye level with, you gulp.

“What is it Sam—Sparkle?” Bucky blinks multiple times rapidly, “You, you’re here? I must be dreaming.” He says, and you hesitantly reach out to poke his arm.

“Hi.” You grin at him, Bucky’s jaw drops and he picks you up, making you wrap your legs around his waist as he twirls you around, you squeal holding onto him tightly.

“Bucky! Don’t you will—,” You try not to put too much weight on him, but he’s twirling you up like nothing.

“Doll, don’t say a word, I can do several push-ups with you sitting on me.” Bucky’s blue eyes find yours and they are shining bright, his cheeks are flushed with how much he is grinning.

“I know Mr. I can bench press triple digits.” Bucky’s helped you immensely to let go of the comments, he always only brought you resources to help you, checked in on your progress with your mental health. Never pushed you to do something you were uncomfortable with, he made sure you would have mental health check ins regularly. He caught on to your traits for being in an overload before you did.

The way the months went after you both cleared the air were a blur, as though the four years of the move never formed a deep ravine of hurt and despair. The entire moving in process was cathartic for the two of you, finally communicating and rebuilding the bridge over the gap that formed.

Bucky lets you down gently, pulling you back in for a hug. His woodsy pine scent mingling with the vanilla of your lotion, makes you feel right at home.

“What are you doing here?” Bucky’s surprise returns.

“Well somebody wanted to surprise somebody and I coordinated it.” Sam hands your phone back while he points from you to Bucky.

“Thanks Sam,” You grin at him.

“Anytime sweetheart.” Sam winks at you and you giggle.

Bucky’s eyebrows furrow, are you two flirting?

“I have an early day catch you both tomorrow.” Sam gives you another wink and departs to his room.

“You’re really here.” Bucky shakes his head in disbelief, hugging you tightly again, your warmth grounding him, the way you just fit into his arms like you belong there.

You bask in the warmth he provides, feeling his steady heartbeat, you could just stay this way.

Both Bucky and you stiffen slightly at the thoughts, pulling away.

“I am, now I believe you were having trouble with your portfolio.” You try to say teasingly, keeping your eyes on his face, bags under his eyes indicate his lack of sleep.

You hesitantly raise your hand to trace over his cheek, Bucky leans into your touch, shoulders relaxing in the relief he finds by your gesture.

<><><><><>

Bucky feels your fingertips lingering on his cheek even as you both are sprawled across his room’s floor, the photographs in transparent folders as you think over how to make up this segregation for the portfolio.

“Have you made a digital folder?” You wonder as your hands inch towards the picture of Winnie and your mom from the day they met again after years.

You could feel the warmth and love in the picture.

“All the pictures are coded so the ones in the physical one can go in a digital one which are watermarked.” Bucky runs his palm across his face, scratching over his scruff.

“Okay how about, I pick up a stack of pictures, show you each and then you say yes or no without a second thought.” The idea sparks inside you and you think it can work.

“We can try that yeah,” Bucky straightens up, ready to do this, he watches you pick up the stack of local events he covered.

You hold up one where the marathon winner crosses the finish line, half leapt up in the air, they just realise and have tears in their eyes mid air.

Bucky nods, “Yes.” He grins at you this would work.

And it did, an hour later you had ten pictures each in various categories that gave a good sense of Bucky and his body of work.

As you zip up the file with a yawn, Bucky’s gaze softens you came in right after your exams without break for him.

“Hey sleepyhead, take the bed I’ll take the couch.” Bucky chuckles as your half asleep gaze meets him.

“What? No, you need sleep, I’ll take the couch.” You protest, Bucky places both his hands on his hips, looking too much like Winnie Barnes before she would scold their duo.

“Sparkle.” He warns, you quickly take a picture on your phone.

“Bucky, you look exactly like your mom before she would scold us.” You break out into giggles at his mortified expression.

“Sparkle.” He whines, trying to grab your phone away from you to delete it.

Currently you’re pinned under him arms extended up to stop him from getting your phone.

“Sparkle I just want to check the time.” He feigns innocence.

“Bucky you have a clock right there.” You point out, huffing.

“In London!” He defends.

“Use your own phone.”

“Yours is nicer.” Bucky huffs, he nods as he decides to tickle you.

You pale as you realise what is he planning.

“No.” You warn trying to scramble away before he begins.

“Oh no, no, no,” Bucky pins down your hands in one of his and his free hand begins tickling your sides as you squeal and try to break away.

Bucky has a million dollar smile as your phone drops out of your grip but he just enjoys having you laugh and squeal, your skin is so soft and warm and god he just wants to kiss you, he pauses the thought taking him by surprise.

Your face is inches away from his, you’re breathing hard but still laughing up at him, arching away from him and you are flush against his now shirt clad chest.

Bucky’s face moves closer, you look at him, then down to his lips, your mind flashes back to the grocery store aisle. His lips are so close his breath fans across your face, you close your eyes.

The doorbell rings and you open your eyes, Bucky looks into yours searching for something, he wonders if he should continue before answering the door. You bite your lip, wondering if he regrets it, the next ring of the doorbell has you both scramble up to grab the late night chinese take out.

<><><><><><><>

‘dear Bucky,

god i feel stupid writing this after six months of that moment in your room.

i can’t outright ask you, it just feels, it feels different between us? not in a bad way, fuck, did we fuck up? why didn’t we just kiss? it feels so right being in your arms and having you in mine. as though, as though we were made for each other?

why can’t i just tell you that i am in love with you, i am in love with my best friend, probably have been for the longest time and i wished we would have kissed in the grocery aisle.

you would think i would know what the right fucking words are? being a writer and all but i don’t have them. at all. i just know four that only make sense—

Bucky, I love you.

I’ve written countless letters to you and yet writing this one seems to be the biggest task even though what i want to say to you is so very simple.

I want to tell you in person, I want to say the words, to you in front of everyone.

I just I worry what if what if i lose you?

I’ve written countless lines about love and yet I don’t know if this is enough, if these scattered words, that i’m scrambling to put together to make some coherence out of are even making sense?

I wishfully think that maybe, maybe you love me too, in the same way, its so selfish of me, hoping praying that my best friend is in love with me as well.

If you do not feel the same wat then just forget about this, I, I don’t know just, don’t stop being my best friend please. it is selfish of me to put this on you and still want you in my life but, i lost you once i can’t i can’t lose you again.

-Sparkle.’

You groan, this letter sounds and looks so stupid. Zero readability. Zero continuity, clarity, ugh.

You turn the page over placing it on the papers in front of you as your room-mate Natasha walks in,

“Are you going to tell him you are in love with him or is that love letter not happening? Of all the important things to write in a letter neither of you do that.” She sits down on the table, shuffling the papers to make space.

“He doesn’t love me, love me.” You object and Nat smacks your arm.

“He took the midnight train to here because you were having an anxiety attack. He stayed on call while he took a two hour train ride and then held you till you finally slept after a four day non sleep fest. He stayed till he knew you were absolutely fine and only then did he leave. I don’t know any best friend that would do that.” She lists the points on her fingers.

“Nat,” You start, she holds up a hand.

“Will you lose him if you tell him?” Her expression unreadable.

“I don’t know.” You answer honestly.

“Will telling him how you feel make you feel better?”

“Nat, I don’t know I want to yell that I love him but, I’m scared I’ll lose him as my best friend, that can’t happen again.”

Natasha pulls you close, as you sniffle.

“You should tell him, I know from the way he looks at you.” She reassures you.

“If this backfires I will stop talking to you.” You warn her, as she smiles.

“Send the letter.” She prompts.

“No, I’m, I’m going to give it to him the next day of his graduation.” You decide, the entire family would be there so if anything went sideways you would not be missed.

Graduation.

Bucky spots you sitting on the bleachers between your mom and his, they made a whole trip out of it deciding to stay for a few days, he waves at you all before settling into his designated chair, his phone chimes.

Sam: man you have to tell her.

Bucky: Sam will you just drop it.

Sam: no i will not, if you don’t tell her i will ask her out.

Bucky glares at the phone turning to locate Sam’s smug grin.

Sam looks down typing as Bucky’s phone chimes again.

Sam: she will still be your best friend, even if she doesn’t love you the same way, which is impossible because that entire weekend she wouldn’t take her eyes off of you.

Sam attaches a picture he sneaked of Bucky being on the phone in the kitchen and you looking fondly at Bucky, he could clearly see the red tinge on your cheeks.

Bucky: fine i’ll tell her today, but if this backfires…

Sam: I will be on the receiving end of James Barnes’ Trademark Glare for eternity.

Bucky: Worse.

Sam: just tell her you love her then you will hug me because she loves you too

Bucky turns his phone silent as the Dean begins the opening statements, the entire event is a blur and Bucky finds your smiling gaze when he takes his degree in his hands. All of you are cheering so hard for him he feels elated and accomplished.

As Sam and he wait for the crowd to disperse so they can introduce each other’s families, you run upto Bucky and hug him.

“Congratulations.” You kiss his cheek, Bucky feels his skin warm at the gesture.

“Thank you, Sparkle.” He keeps his arm around you as the Barnes and Wilson’s approach the cleared area as well.

Winnie Barnes instantly pulls Sam into a warm hug and pinches his cheek, where as Sam’s nephews AJ and Cass run up to Bucky, he bends down to pull them into a hug.

They ring choruses of congratulations all around and Sam and Bucky both can’t let go of their elated mood. During dinner you notice Sam gesturing with his head to Bucky, and Bucky shaking his head and narrowing his eyes. When you catch Sam’s eye he quickly looks away.

“Is everything okay?” You whisper to Bucky.

“Ye-yeah, Sparkle.” Bucky is caught off guard and he wishes Sam would be discreet.

You nod, not really satisfied and worrying if something is amiss.

Bucky takes note of your worried expression and leans in,

“Sparkle, I promise its nothing to worry about, Sam’s just stressing over his internship.” He assures, taking your hand in his and rubbing soothing circles.

“You sure you aren’t covering up something thats bothering you?” You raise an eyebrow at him, he shakes his head.

“No, I would tell you if it was, promise.” He smiles.

“Oh um I have my next letter with me I’ll give it to you tomorrow.” You say no idea why are you putting yourself in this position.

“Why not today?” Bucky furrows his eyebrows.

“Well because if I sent it by post it would reach tomorrow.” You shrug hoping your voice does not waiver.

“Well I want to read it today.” He presses on,

“Bucky, no today is about you.” You defend.

“Yes and that letter is addressed to me. Come on it’ll be my graduation gift.” He juts out his bottom lip making a puppy eyed face.

You sigh, handing it to him, his smile looking at the envelope is worth bringing forth your humiliation a day ahead.

Bucky opens the envelope, eager to know your thoughts, when his smile falters you feel your heart sink down into the pits of the marina trench.

There is a silence that slowly takes over the table, as they notice you looking at Bucky with tears in your eyes and Bucky reading the letter.

Bucky can’t say anything emotions caught in his throat, he really wished he would have kissed you in the grocery store too.

He can’t believe it you love him too.

Bucky, I love you.

The words burn into his memory, etched upon his heart and he looks up at you tears in his eyes as well.

“I’m sorry, I should not have—,” You begin your apology,

“Sparkle, Sparkle, I love you too.” He cuts you off, watching as you take his words in and your sadden expression turns into elation.

“About damn time.” Sam mutters.

As Bucky grins cupping your cheek and finally having your lips on his own.

There is a chorus of awes around the dinner table that just makes both of you grin in the kiss, both of you blushing as you pull away.

Bucky wraps his arm around you as your head rests on his shoulder, he kisses your forehead, with an unspoken promise of forever.

Bucky, age sixteen.

‘Dear Sparkle,

I got the letter where you said you won’t write anymore, it broke me, i cannot get through a day without my mind making me search for you in the crowd.

i know i’ve been an idiot, dickhead if you will. I cannot lose you. I cannot lose my best friend, do you know why i call you sparkle? it is not because of those sparkle pens you had, its because, when you looked at me when i was seven there was this sparkle in your eye and I just had to know you.

Because someone with that much radiance around her had to be the biggest source of happiness right? and you were and still are.

i won’t mind if you throw this letter without reading.actually i will feel horrible, that

i was so stupid to get into what the people at school said that friendships fade so there is no point in trying to keep them.

i hope you can forgive me, should i send the other unsent letters too? maybe i should, but if you want to then only i will, i, i’m so sorry for what is going on at home, mom won’t tell me, do you want me to call? I’ll ask mom to let me talk to you next time she speaks to your mom.

sparkle please forgive me, i know this is my own doing, i’m an idiot but i’m your idiot best friend.

nine months of no responses and i’m asking for you to not be mad at me, i’m asking for a miracle, but that won’t happen will it? hope it does.

i love you

i miss you so much it hurts, i know it hurts you too.

-bucky.’

----x----

[nova8byte]

"Narcissistic Abuse is a special kind of abuse"

We've all heard it before... Let me, someone who does experience empathy, prove that this stereotype is complete and utter bullshit.

I was abused by my mom for over 20 years. The shit that she did to me fits the "narc abuse" stereotype perfectly. Even now, nearly everything she does and says to the rest of the family is heavily self-centered

"I am your mother, you will do as I say because I said so."

"Don't you know what I did for you? I gave you food, water, clothes.... You should be grateful to me."

"Don't you understand that you have to respect your mother?"

"I get it. I'm the worst mother in the world." (sarcastically, when no one even attempted to imply that.)

I can not even count the number of times I've hearn those things in any given day. Meanwhile, if there's one thing I know about her, it's that she is FULL of empathy. There are times when she deliberately avoids that empathy because of religion or "family values" and other types of indoctrination, which is a whole other conversation itself on how that shit promotes abuse, but nonetheless, the problem is not NPD.

I see her heart hurting for countless people all over the world. She cries for children in Gaza, she's more than horrified by dark humor, she's scared for MY safety and wellbeing, and I see that but that doesn't make her any less of an abuser.

She still landed me in the hospital over a broken... "down there" area, when I was five... She still hit me at least five times a day until I was 8, She still threatens to hit us nowadays despite being completely unable to do so, she still belittled me for all my autistic traits, fuck she belittled me for being left-handed.

And she did all of this knowing full well that I was suffering as a direct result. And she did not "like" it. She was watching the pain that she put me through, and it hurt her too. And what did she say through all of that?

"Grow up."

"The world isn't gonna hold your hand."

"Why are you being so difficult?"

Empathy did not stop my mother from doing any of the shit she did.

And here I am, as someone who also experiences empathy... asking myself "would I be an asshole if I didn't?" And I think back to my childhood... You'd think the answer is yes, because I was a total asshole when I was ten. But despite experiencing empathy, most of my moral code is built on logic instead. Asking questions and observing the world and absolutely despising a lot of the double standards that I grew up with.

"Atheism is worse than killing a hundred people? How is that just? What the fuck is wrong with you?" (me, in my head, at 11-years-old, coming to that conclusion WHILE avoiding my empathy, something that I was taught to do because "rules are rules")

I might not experience actual NPD, and sure, it feels like an oxymoron to be using empathy to mentally simulate a lack of empathy, but I can still damn well put 2 and 2 together and see that the problem is, in fact, SYSTEMIC in nature, and not caused by a fucking mental disability.

Hell, I'm pretty sure I inherited my autism from both my parents, but as several people out here put it, that doesn't make any of their actions "autistic abuse". What a fucking concept.

Dear Narc Abuse Believers,

You aren't going to heal from your traumas until you stop blaming everybody's actions on narcissism and stop using NPD as a scapegoat. NPD has nothing to do with abuse, it is just a mental disability that you dislike the traits of.

Once you admit that your abuser abused you because they are abusive, you will start the healing process. You cannot blame abusive behavior on anything except for the abusive person, because they are the abuser, they have hurt you, a mental disorder did not. You are only hindering your healing from abuse when you blame it on things that are completely separate from it.

NPD is not the excuse. NPD is not the explanation. Abusers abuse because they are abusive.

[cottonkendi]

Your Babies | 33

MASTERLIST

Sano Shinichiro x f!Reader

Word Count: 2.9k

Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Crack, Angst

Warning: Spoiler warnings, Profanity

Synopsis: Making up ft. Punching bag

Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34

a/n: updating during christmas cause i've got nothing better to do and just so that y'all wont have to have that cliffhanger jkasdbkja dont want the trouble in paradise to get longer~~

After you’ve contacted Wakasa, you’re surprised to find him not driving you back to his apartment but into the gym that he owns with Benkei. “What are we doing here? I thought that you close early during the weekdays?” You follow him inside the facility, greeting Benkei who’s busy looking over some papers by the couch, barely looking up from his work as he gives you a nod and wave.

“You seemed a little tense. Thought you’d want to loosen up a little before going to sleep for the night.” Tossing you a pair of boxing gloves, he nods over at the changing rooms at the back. “You should go change and warm up a little so we can start.”

Accepting the gloves, you shrug your shoulders.

Might as well get all this frustrations out.

So, after what seems to be ten minutes of warming up your body, you’re now being yelled at by Wakasa as you punch and kick the punching bag, your brows furrowing every time you’d kick the sand-filled bag. “C’mon! You can kick harder than that! Channel your anger! Punch him in the face! Kick his ass!” Wakasa barks out, hands steadying the heavy bag that keeps on swinging around with every contact that you make which elicits a laugh from the white haired man that almost sounds maniacal.

This goes on for a few more minutes which catches Benkei’s attention from the couch, his gaze now trained on the both of you who are now moving onto some one on one boxing training. The two moving around the ring at a speed that almost worries Benkei, afraid that either of you will accidentally hit each other and cause some injuries. Especially after he noticed just how hard you’re punching the targets on Wakasa’s hands.

Taking out his phone, Benkei quickly dials Shinichiro���s number, fingers tapping on his thigh as he waits for your boyfriend to pick up.

It takes a couple of rings before he can finally hear Shinichiro’s voice, sounding a little strained and tired though that can just be blamed on how late it is right now. His former leader was probably asleep.

“Benkei? Why’re you calling? Did something happen?” Shinichiro whispers onto the receiver, making sure to not wake up the kids who are now sleeping on your side of the bed.

Continuing to watch the two of you, Benkei chews on his bottom lip when he hears Wakasa let out a pained groan after a particularly hard punch from you. “Nothing… just wanted to ask if you and Y/N… maybe had a… fight? Or something like that.”

Shuffling can be heard from the other side as he watches you smirk at Wakasa after your cousin called for a time out. “Why? What happened? Is she at the gym right now?”

Taking a big gulp, Benkei unconsciously winces when you kick one of the punching bags hung by the wall, the heavy 100 pound punching bag that he uses to train the more experienced gym goers. It makes the tan male suck in a deep breath when you do a double kick which makes the bag swing around like some kind of car accessory. “Oh she’s at the gym alright. She’s completely obliterating the punching bags and Wakasa.”

“Oh.”

“Indeed. You screwed up big time, man.”

“I know that, Benkei.” He can practically see his leader roll his eyes through the phone which puts a satisfied smile on his face, always glad to bring in a little inconvenience to his friends. “Just let me sleep, I need to be ready for tomorrow. Gotta make things right.”

“Yeah, you go do that, Shin. Good luck.” And with that, Benkei puts his phone back on the table, sympathy and amusement putting a smile on his face as he tries to go back to finishing up his side of the paperwork while listening in on the heavy sounds coming from you kicking and punching the targets, along with the occasional pained grunts from his co-owner.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. Just a little misunderstanding.” You mumble as you pass by the living room and head straight to your room in Wakasa’s apartment, body tired from boxing for a whole hour and letting your energy dissipate. Trying your best to tune out Wakasa’s obvious footsteps as he follows you. “Stop following me, Waka. I’ll be fine. Just need to sleep this off. I’m too tired to tell you the whole ass story.”

Clicking his tongue, your cousin continues to follow you though he stops by the door, arms crossed in front of his chest. “You’re obviously not fine if you decided to actually go around and exercise for the night and then sleepover at my place instead of just talking things out with him.”

“Look, we were both tired and obviously not in the right state to be talking things out. We just need to rest for the night then we’ll talk tomorrow. It’s not that big of a deal. If it was, I would’ve stayed there the whole night and continued arguing with him. End of story. Now please, Waka, I need to sleep. I’m gonna go to the shop tomorrow to help with the deliveries.”

Burying your face on the pillow, you wait for your cousin to walk out of the room, turning off the lights as he does so which makes you sigh in relief.

Turning over to face the wall, you give it a long stare, trying your best to shut off all the intruding thoughts in your brain even though you know for sure that one way or another, the two of you will find a way to patch things up.

You always do.

So, with that thought in mind, you find yourself quickly falling into a deep slumber.

Waking up before your alarm can even go off, you can’t help but grumble, body already wide awake even though you desperately still want to go back to sleep. It feels foreign. Waking up without Shinichiro beside you.

It’s been 4 years of you waking up next to Shinichiro. It seems as if your body is now too accustomed to feeling his warmth which makes it harder for you to have a good sleep now that he’s not with you.

Stretching, you slowly walk over to Wakasa’s kitchen, taking out some rice from last night along with some eggs and sausages.

You make quick work in the kitchen, eating up your breakfast before taking a quick shower so that you can make a quick stop at the new shop and see how things are going before you go back to university. You’re thankful that only your morning is busy for the day which gives you enough time to go and talk to Shinichiro who you know is waiting for you at home by the time lunch strikes.

Leaving Wakasa’s breakfast in the microwave, you send him a quick text before walking over to the shop where you see some workers already starting some mini construction inside to accommodate some bigger machines that will need some extra safety precautions that will be added. Greeting them all, you quickly look around to make sure that everything’s going well before meeting up with Haki at the cafe near the university.

“So, you sold your guitar then the two of you fought over it yesterday? Is that what you’re saying?” She asks while handing you some hot chocolate to make you feel better.

Letting out a sigh at how ridiculous it sounds, you nod as you gladly accept the cup, taking a sip to prolong the moment that you need to speak. “Yeah, we were both tired and just couldn’t think straight so I left for the night and stayed with Wakasa.”

“But you two didn’t say any of those hurtful things right? Like the ones in the dramas and the books? ‘Cause that always makes things worse.”

Playfully rolling your eyes at her attempt to make light of the situation, you shake your head. “No. We caught ourselves before it could get to that point.”

“That’s good then. As much as I make it seem like I hate Shinichiro or that Sara, Yui and I hate hearing about your relationship because we’re all single as fuck, just know that we do still support and love your relationship with him. You two are good for each other and we would do anything to make sure that it stays that way.”

Smiling at her, you mutter a silent thanks, the heaviness in your chest slowly getting lighter after letting your problems out and hearing Haki talk about what she thinks of your relationship with Shinichiro.

“Oh, before I forget. You're graduating in two months right? Will your parents come home?” Haki asks as the two of you enter the hall leading to one of your teacher’s offices, the paperworks snug against your body as you hug it closer.

“Uhh, I don’t know. They haven’t told me anything if they’re going to come home or not. But if they don’t then I’m pretty sure grandpa and the rest will be the ones taking pictures and stuff. Shinichiro already got the camera ready at home.” You chuckle lightly at the memory as the two of you stop by the office, your fist lightly rapping on the wooden door before you slide it open to quickly drop off the stack of paperwork, all checked and graded.

Making your way back to Haki, you loop your arm with hers as she escorts you out of the school so that you can make your way back home for the day to finally confront Shinichiro once more, but now, with a clearer mind than last night.

Hugging your form, Haki gives you a kiss on the side of the head. “Be careful, babe. Make sure the two of you sort things out, okay?” Nodding at Haki, you give her one last wave before walking towards your house while Haki goes back inside, her day filled with lectures.

After what seems to be a lifetime of the two of you just skirting around each other in the house, trying your best to keep yourself busy in order to avoid the confrontation that is inevitable to happen, the time finally came where you both finally ran out of things to do. So, with a deep breath, you approach Shinichiro who’s in the garden, watering grandpa’s plants even though you’re pretty sure that grandpa told him not to.

Even as you’re just walking over to him, you can already tell that he knows you’re approaching.

From the way his ears start to redden, along with the slight flinch of his body when your feet make contact with the pebbles on the ground which makes a small sound.

You don’t know why the two of you are nervous with making up when you’ve had countless fights before. Some more serious than the one you had last night.

With a deep breath, you ready yourself. “Shinichiro-”

“Y/N-”

Your eyes meet, the two of you quiet as you wait for the other to speak after you’ve both talked over each other. But alas, silence surrounds the two of you except for the hose that’s still spewing out water. Sensing that the two of you won’t be talking for a while if you keep on waiting for the other to speak, you decide to let him talk first, hand waving towards him.

Biting his lips, he faces you, hands letting go of the hose for a bit. “Look, I’m really sorry for last night. I just, I was so upset with you selling your guitar to pay for the bills for the shop ‘cause I knew that you cherished that guitar so much and I just didn’t want you to sacrifice something that meant so much to you.” Shinichiro starts, eyes still keeping contact with yours as he rubs the back of his neck. “And I know that it sounded like I didn’t want your help or that I’m trying to carry all the burden in this relationship but I swear that it’s not what I was trying to show. I just knew that you’re having a really hard time with university since you’re graduating and you’re stressed enough with your parents not being here and with taking care of the kids. I was just worried that you’re sacrificing too much already. I didn’t want you to run yourself too thin for my sake. You know that I’ll never forgive myself if there comes the time where you won’t have anything else left for yourself. I want you to always be happy.”

Making your way to him, you slowly wrap your arms around his waist, pulling him closer as you rest your chin on his chest as you look up at him, a small smile on your lips. “Shin, I’m sorry too. But I hope that you know that I’m doing all of this because it’s what makes me happy too. Seeing you achieve the dream that you’ve had for years will always be a source of happiness for me. Taking care of the kids makes me happy. All of these sacrifices… I know that they’re for something better in the future. And I know this because I can see that my future has you and that’s enough for me.” Trailing your hands up his chest, you card your fingers through his hair before pulling his head towards you, your lips making contact with his as both of your eyes instinctually close.

You can feel his hands start to snake around your body, calloused hands making themselves comfortable on your back as he tries to pull you closer to him even though your body is already pressed up against his, his warmth quickly spreading throughout your whole body as Shinichiro bites on your lower lip, chuckling when he feels you lightly slap his chest.

Slightly pulling apart, your noses brush against each other as he smiles, lips barely brushing against his own as he leans a little closer. “I love you.”

“I love you more-”

Before you can even finish talking, Shinichiro attacks your lips once more which results in you falling back from the impact. Tightening your hold on him, Shinichiro quickly turns the two of you over while maintaining his lips against yours though you can already feel the mischievous smirk making its way on his lips when one of his hands leave your back as soon as the two of you land on the ground.

About to pull away from him, you suddenly feel a cold sprinkle of water hitting your face before your whole body quickly gets soaked followed by the sound of Shinichiro’s laughter.

Chills run down your spine as you look up and see water from the hose spraying the two of you as Shinichiro continues to put his thumb over the hole.

“Oh my G - Shin! It’s freezing!” Slapping his shoulder, you try to take the hose away from him which only results in the two of you rolling around on the ground as you wrestle the hose away from him.

“Give me that! You’re getting the ground all muddy!” Stretching your hand out, you try to claw it out of his hold which forces Shinichiro to turn the two of you, pinning you on the ground as he sprays more water on both of your soaked bodies.

“I’ll give it to you if you give me another kiss.”

“You’re gonna get a punch from me if you don’t stop it-”

Once more, you’re cut off with his lips pressing against your own, his lips swiping away the water dribbling down your lips, body slowly turning the two of you over so that you’ll be on top of him as he finally lets go of the hose in order to hold you closer, the two of you completely unaware of a couple of footsteps making their way over.

You’re only made aware of the audience when you hear Keisuke shriek at the sight of you two kissing on the ground, followed by Manjiro and Emma jumping on the two of you, uncaring of what you two were just doing as Manjiro takes the hose from the side and sprays his friends with it.

Immediately pulling away from your boyfriend, you see Mitsuya, Draken, Kazutora and Pah-chin looking away, blushes on their faces as they try to avoid the spray of water coming from Manjiro’s hose weapon to which Keisuke’s already helping maneuver to better hit their friends while Emma stands beside the two of you, a relieved smile on her cute face. “Did the two of you make up?” She asks which immediately catches Manjiro’s attention who hands the hose over to Keisuke.

“Are you gonna sleep here tonight?

You nod at both of their questions which makes the smile on the siblings’ faces wider as Manjiro walks closer to give you a thumbs up. “That’s good ‘cause Shin-nii couldn’t sleep last night! We had to go and sleep next to him to keep the nightmares away since you weren’t there to hold him.”

Just like that, Manjiro proceeds to run away, cackling as Shinichiro darts off to chase after his younger brother who may or may not have spouted out some facts. Smiling fondly at the chaos going on in the garden, you look over at Emma, hands smoothing out the hair framing her face. “Did Shinichiro really not sleep well last night?”

“Yep! He kept on waking up and sighing as he took out his phone. He was also muttering your name every time so I think you shouldn’t leave him alone anymore. He gets bad nightmares, I think.” She says it so matter-of-factly that you can;t help but chuckle.

“Alright then, I won’t leave Shinichiro alone anymore. I’ll never leave him anymore.”

taglist:

@lagrimasdeglitter @sseorin @sunahyejin @agoddess-inashell @wakasagurl @diestheticu @queen-flower @salty-salty @the2ndl @crapimahuman @imkumichan @angelmitsuri @coconois @princessatoru @akaashis-liquidluck @bajifairyy @tsukkisukkii @chaoticyuna @missarabellla @kawasbaby @bittermoonlightsblog @yukihime-mikeys-girl @vanderaliwaal @astro-pioneer @nomnom21 @tamakislover @misinfe @starryshi @honeysoob @monsterm21-blog @justalamppost @arisu003 @quacksonlover81 @shaak-ti-s @yuuki4646 @manjiroarchiviste @gouzouuuuu @sh4nn @bubs-world @lordbugs @notsostraightweeb @xbabybajix

all rights reserved © cottonkendi, 2021. do not copy or repost any of my works! reblogs/feedbacks are very appreciated~

[mingoyeob-archive]

under the oak tree II | teaser

summary ⇾ jungkook has finally returned home from war and is anxious to see his new bride. what will happen when he finally lays his eyes on her after three years and how will he be able to contain the hunger he’s held for her even after all this time.

genre ⇾ knight! jungkook, strangers to lovers au, will be smut

pairing ⇾ jungkook x reader

teaser word count ⇾ 1.3k

authors note ⇾ finally! i've started writing uot 2! this is just a snippet from the beginning but here's an update on how its going so far, hope it gets you excited for the finished product! nothing smutty or riské, at least not yet ;)

part 1, interlude

it was hot.

the sun beating down on the large number of knights in the campaign had their foreheads burning and hair sticking to their skin. expensive armor that was once new and shiny was now heavy with dirt and mud and sweat. they had been riding for days now with barely any breaks in between and it was obviously starting to take a toll on the exhausted band of knights. well - on everyone except jungkook.

of course the commander would be perfectly fine. he had trained years for this type of thing, never once slowing down or stopping to catch a breath. and that’s not to say everyone else hadn’t trained to earn their spot. just no one had trained as hard as jungkook did. wanted it as much as jungkook did. even from a young age, when he fought warriors three times his size, he had never given up. swinging his sword till his arms gave out or until his opponent gave up out of pity and walked away from his broken and tired body splayed out on the dirty ground. cowards is what jungkook would call after them, watching them walk off before he lost consciousness.

“sir…” a voice rang out loud, but exhausted, from the back of the formation. “don’t you think it’s time to stop and make camp?”

horses came to a halt as the commander stopped and heads turned in the direction of the culprit. the voice seemed to belong to a handsome young knight who’s fluffy brown hair was basically drenched making him look as if a bucket of water had been dumped over his head. his body laid slumped over the back of his horse as he looked up in the direction of commander, puppy eyes begging with desperation. the rest of the knights assumed the boy had to be lacking a few braincells - how could he not? no one in their right mind would ever question the commander when he gets in a mood like this.

jungkook had barely even turned around, steely eyes still facing forward as he hissed, ”what’s your name knight?”

the boy gulped, all signs of exhaustion seeming to drain from his face as he started to recognize the tension in the air. his back straightened up and he tried his best to talk loud and avoid stumbling over his words, “taehyung, commander. sir kim taehyung...”

“and may i ask what, sir kim taehyung, do you think gives you the right to tell me when and where to camp my knights at?” jungkook says, biting out the words. everyone could see the mans shoulders tensing and those in the front caught a glimpse of white knuckles gripping hard on to the reigns of his horse.

taehyung stared wide eyed at the back of the mans head before flicking them around trying to catch the eyes of someone who could help him out the situation as he mutters meekly, “well commander i just thought-“

“you thought wrong.” he growled, cutting the conversation short. jungkook didn’t even spare him a glance, instead urging his horse forward and calling out to the rest of the group, “i’m the commander. we’ll camp when I say, any questions?”

he was met with silence, “didn’t think so.”

jungkook didn’t say much more before his horse galloped off expecting the rest to follow. most of the more experienced and knowledgeable knights did so out of fear of being chewed out like taehyung had been, already used to the commanders stern and no bullshit attitude. the rest, young and new to the guard, followed hesitantly with looks of uneasiness. taehyung who was still in shock sat there on his horse staring off in the distance at the commander as he charged ahead, unsure of whether he was still even considered part of the campaign anymore.

“don’t worry, you’re not fired.” a voice from the side of his horse spoke making taehyung turn his head. next to him stood another dashing knight, blonde hair parted down the middle and sweeping over his forehead. he turned his lips into a smile at taehyung, eyes squinting and chubby cheeks squishing up with gesture. “at least, not yet. but i’d advise against asking the commander too many questions. he doesn’t like that too much, more of the ride in silence type, ya know?”

taehyung just nodded his head frantically, glad someone was giving him help on how to survive the rest of the journey. he smiled and laughed out, “thank you for the advice, kind sir!”

“ugh no need to be all formal, just call me jimin! can I ask why you wanted to stop and make camp?” jimin says, voice dripping with honey like kindness.

taehyung just stared at him with a blank face, not understanding how the knight hadn’t noticed the bullets of sweat dripping down his face and the heaving breaths he took. but taehyung could see the man was almost in the same state and he assumed it must not be that much of a big deal to him. so instead he played it off and laughed, “ah i was just thinking the horses might need a rest! my tannie seems to be out of breath.”

taehyung patted the side of his black and chestnut brown horse yeontan, who just sneered in return and jerked forward a little, seeming like he was able to tell his owner was throwing him under the bus. taehyung made a mental note to cut the horses usual treat of carrots in half for the obvious betrayal, lips turning down in a frown. “by the way, what crawled up the commander butt and died? i hope he’s not always like that or else i’m definitely not making it.”

jimin let out a boisterous laugh at taehyung, shoulders shaking and head thrown back in amusement. “ah well, jungkooks just in a little bit of a mood right now. hates being away from the misses too long if you catch my drift. ” he says after catching his breath from his laughing fit.

“and don’t worry, your tannie will get his break. jungkook usually likes to make camp a little past the halfway point where a stream passes by for drinking water.”

taehyung sighed in relief at jimins words. the halfway point was just a couple miles ahead. they would be there before sundown and he couldn’t wait to strip this heavy army off and take a nap - and get tannie a drink of water too, of course. his smile returned and only seemed to get bigger as he reached out and gave jimin a pat on the back, “once again i thank you, jimin! you seem to be very knowledgeable on the commander! you must have taken this route with him many a blue moon, yes?”

“of course! i am his second in command after all,” jimin says, sending taehyung a sly wink before moving his horse forward in the direction of the rest of the campaign. “better catch up! there’s a lot of mysterious creatures out here that could use a snack. don’t want to be left behind!”

jimins horse kicked up dust in its wake and once again taehyung was left in shock, surprised by the casual way the man was able to drop his title on taehyung as if it was no big deal. and after what he said, taehyung was definitely fired. he just shook his head and let out a loud groan, head dropping forward into his hands. but his call of frustration was met with a howl in the distance that seemed to be a lot closer than he was comfortable with. so with shaky hands he gripped his reigns and rode after jimin calling out after him pathetically, “hey! jimminie, please don’t leave me!”

[squeakybunni]

Earning His Trust | | Dabi x Reader

-Fandom: My Hero Academia

-Genre and Warnings: Fluff, angst to an extent; mentions of violence, minor blood warning, VERY slight nsfw mention bc reader telling him what to do makes him go awooga awooga. Manga spoilers, but nothing too severe! Just for plot relevance.

-Word Count: ~1.2k

-Summary: While tending to his wounds, Dabi comes to the realization he can trust you with the details of his past.

-Notes: SO LIKE. SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING FOR A MONTH OR SO, I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH A LOT IN MY PERSONAL LIFE LMAO- College work while being socially distant is so much PAIN but I have some free time to write abt my fav burnt boi! (No but fr he lives in my mind rent free, might as well talk abt him-) Reminder that requests are open, so feel free to leave something in my askbox !!

═════☩══✦══☩═════

This wasn’t the first time he did this. After missions, sometimes Dabi will stop by your place to seek refuge, not feeling safe anywhere else. You didn’t mind, and within a few minutes, you had a Cup of Noodles ready to go for him. Even though he’d laugh and say he didn’t need it, within a few minutes he’d shut up to eat, chopsticks in hand. The two of you would watch shows or movies until you were too tired to stay awake, either crashing on the couch or moving to your bedroom, holding each other until he left the next morning to attend to other business. However, tonight was nothing like those nights.

You heard a knock from the door, arising from the couch to open it. Nobody hardly ever knocked on your door, so you were pretty certain you’d see him standing there, hands in his pockets, asking slyly if you were lonely. Instead, Dabi stood in front of you, holding one of his arms, his blood staining his fingers, smaller cuts on his face. Before he could even think of a witty remark, you grabbed him by the collar, pulling him into your house, bombarding him with a number of questions: “What happened?” “How did this happen?” “How did you let this happen?” “Are you okay?” Your concern made the scarred man laugh laughtly, telling you, “You’re cute when you’re worried like this.” Looking at him with seriousness in your eyes, clearly having no patience for his jokes, you pointed your finger towards the couch, assertively ordering, “Sit on the couch, I’ll be right there.”

He hardly ever saw this side of you; usually, you were shy and quiet, barely even having the confidence to look him in his eye when he spoke. The idea of you telling him what to do was almost arousing, since he never experienced this from you before.

Dabi was shaken out of his thoughts when you reached for his arm, being as gentle as possible. “While I clean this, can you tell me what happened?” you ask in a hushed voice, one that he was more used to.

He moves his arm out of your grasp, leaning forward to look at you more closely. “You know, you don’t need to do this. I’m fine,” he insists, looking you in the eyes. You return the glare, pouting your cheeks ever so slightly.

“No, you’re here and you’re bleeding. I’m not just going to let you sit here and possibly hurt yourself further,” you declared, holding out one of your hands, inviting him to let you help. “Now, can I clean your arm?”

Rolling his eyes, Dabi sighed, realizing you weren’t going to give up unless he listened. “You know, you’re really annoying when you want to be, little mouse,” he scoffed playfully, placing his hand in yours.

“This is probably going to hurt a little,” you warn before gently touching a damp cloth to his arm, earning a light wince from him. Apologies pour from your lips as he chuckles breathily, leaning back onto the couch.

“You worry too much. It’s fine,” he consoles, allowing you to continue. After making sure it’s clean, you press a gauze against the cut, beginning to wrap a bandage around it to keep it secure. Dabi sits up ever so slowly as to not disturb you, beginning to get lost in thought as he watches you take care of him. Nobody had ever really done this for him, at least not recently. For years, he had been on his own, more or less. While the League of Villains were technically there, he didn’t feel secure relying on them. None of them would allow him to crash with them as long as he wanted, feed him, or dress his wounds either.

“Can I clean the ones on your face, too?” you ask, Dabi taking a second to lock eyes with you again. “Go for it,” was all he said, having no objections when you sat on his lap, taking his jaw in your hands.

“Well, damn. Didn’t expect it to go like this. You know, you really didn’t need an excuse to sit on me,” Dabi teased, snickering when you shot him a look. “You’re lucky you’re hurt,” you jokingly threatened, shutting him up by addressing the cuts on his face with the cloth.

Again, there you were, acting so soft towards him. How could he, a villain, even deserve this treatment? Nobody had dared get this close to him, and you knew what he was. You knew what he did to people. How is it that you could ignore all that and take care of him like this? Was it out of pity, or did you really love him? Why would you love him? What did he do to deserve your kindness? The way you avoid his scars with careful precision, your delicate hands on his face, trying to make his wounds better. This is a simple thing you do when you care for someone, right? If that was the case, maybe you do love him. You love him enough to trust him to stay in your house whenever he needs it.

Maybe, he should trust you too. After all, not just anyone would be so gentle with him, treating him like a human being and not the monster he thought he was.

“Mouse, have I ever told you how I got all these scars?” he blurted into the silent atmosphere, making you jump and sit back to look at him.

“No, I don’t believe so,” you answer, remembering how you’d ask and how he’d narrow his eyes and ignore you. Nothing made him shut up quite like that, and you realized very quickly to just leave well enough alone.

═════☩════☩═════

He told you everything. From his troubled family history, to the goals he used to have of becoming a hero, and his quirk not being compatible with his body. As he spoke, you held his hands, listening to every word, doing your best to keep tears from welling up in your eyes. It broke your heart to hear him explain everything that happened, wanting so badly to take all the pain away from him. You also fought the urge to smile proudly, knowing he trusted you enough to explain the things you wanted to know for so long.

You hold his arm in your hand, running your thumb over the scars so gently, comforting him as he explained. You wipe the tears from your eyes, not wanting to interrupt him.

“Wait, oh shit, are you crying?” Dabi asks, holding your chin in his hand to make you look at him. He gives you a comforting smile, chuckling breathily. “You know, you don’t need to cry. You didn’t go through it, did you? It’s still cute, though.” Whining, you lunge forward, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“I’m sorry that happened to you, Dabi,” you whimper, holding his body to yours as his arms enclose around your smaller form.

“Ah, you don’t need to apologize,” he laughs, soothed from your response. “Just call me Touya from now on.”

[cipher-fresh]

[ID: A tiktok of a man dancing vaguely to Can't Touch This by MC Hammer. He tells his story in rhythm with the song.

"One thing about me is that when I was yesterday my aunt invited everyone for Thanksgiving dinner. We said 'Okay, aunt, let's get on a plane and fly across the country to eat at your house.' We spent the night. The very next morning, my aunt makes the bold creative decision on Thanksgiving morning with all of our family there to do this thing called dying. [Pause] What? She died on Thanksgiving morning. We had a body on our hands. And then like everyone was grieving. It was kind of uncomfortable but you know what? That's how it was. We called a nurse in to confirm that she was dead. The nurse said 'yep she's dead.' We said 'we kind of already knew that. Your job seems kind of bureaucratic- besides the point' The nurse was like 'You need to get this body out of here' We said 'okay', she gave us a number to call. We called, we said 'hi, we have a body, can you pick it up?' they go 'Hmm, it's thanksgiving. Kind of inconsiderate to pull us away from our families on the holiday.' 'Okay, what do we do?' They said 'We'll come in a bit, but we can't be quick.' So we just kind of waited, tried to figure out should we celebrate the holiday and eat a big dinner. [Pause] Well, we brought the food, so the answer was yes. We made some pies, and all the while my aunt was in the bedroom, [Pause] experiencing rigor mortis. [Pause] So we ate Thanksgiving dinner with the [loses song rhythm] full knowledge that [picks up rhythm] there was a corpse in the room next door. And after dinner but before dessert, we heard a knock on the door. And we were like 'Oh, I guess they're here to pick up the body' and they were like 'We're here to pick up the body' We said 'Oh, cool' and so they took the body and left. there were more tears, there were kind of tears all throughout the day."

The follow-up video has the man sitting on a chair. "Aunt reveal" in all caps is above his face for a few seconds, then in smaller text for less time is "More of a grandfather's cousin but who's counting" "Okay, so now that everyone is obsessed, let's talk about my aunt. Her name was Tassia" and he points to a picture of her in black and white. "She was born in 1927 in Lviv, Ukraine, which means she was 95 years old." Shown is a picture of the OP and his aunt for a few seconds, captioned "Photo circa 2018". "she died of the most natural causes known to science. For my entire life, she's been like the oldest person I've ever known, and...the funniest? 'Cause you know, the goodie bag they give you when you survive the Holomodor" -text on screen reads "Google it", "is such an intense, debilitating trauma- and a sense of humor to cope with it. She once kind of relayed the horrors of war to me, publicly, in like a soup-centric eatery space. And not only was she a master rambler and storyteller, but she was also a classically trained pianist. She was my piano teacher when I was younger, she had arthritis in every bone in her body except for her fingers because she was always practicing. She played a solo show at Carnegie Hall" -text onscreen reads 'I think the NYPL has some of her recordings' "Like, you could never! [Pause] unless you could, in which case, you're very talented. Tragically, like all the greats she only received widespread Tiktok fame after her passing. Thank you for letting me share her story in this absolutely bonkers way. She was so deeply loved." Text onscreen reads "RIP to a LEGEND". /End ID]

[nikadoesanart]

Will Jouno assist Fukuchi?

In ch 92, Fukuchi shows Bram to Jouno (though I'd say introduce would be a better way to describe it cause Jouno's blind but minor inconsequential details) and reveals that he is the mastermind behind the Agency being framed and asks Jouno to help him. Personally, I think that Jouno is just a bit more likely to form some kind of alliance with Fukuchi but not necessarily a full-on partnership, much less to the point where it'd be considered working more with Fukuchi as Kamui of the DOA than helping Fukuchi as Fukuchi himself or as the commander of the HD.

Also, I am using @buraihatranslations translation of ch 92, so that's where my exact phrasing for quotations and page counts are coming from. You can read the full translation here.

The main context of our focus

“I’m the mastermind. Jouno, wouldn’t you like to assist me?” (p 19)

For starters, I don’t think Fukuchi is being a reckless idiot for saying this. Considering that he's literally Kamui, he obviously must’ve considered this as a calculated but worthwhile risk to take. As I’ve previously mentioned in my ch 89.5 cover art analysis, Jouno is the most on the fence of the HD in terms of supporting Fukuchi vs believing in the Agency’s innocence. In fact, as we learned in 92, he simply doesn’t care and can therefore be considered a (nearly) neutral party. Jouno is also basically a living breathing lie detector, so he can tell apart the likes of jokes and lies from the truth very easily. Jouno also cares primarily about being able to hear his victim’s suffering, regardless of who’s right or wrong or innocent or guilty (as he’s told Aya). It logically just makes the most sense for Fukuchi to try to get Jouno on his side out of all the HD because :

Teruko is a simp for Fukuchi but she still cares about civilians and being able to take pride in her job as an officer (Sky Casino)

Tachihara has already clearly established his doubts in the ADA being guilty in front of all of the HD (ch 89) and told Fukuchi that he sees himself as more Mafia than HD now (ch 89.5)

Tecchou has a very strong sense of justice and cares about fairness, so asking him to quite literally join the side of the terrorists would never work out and would essentially be a waste of both time and possibly personnel too

What does Jouno personally want?

As I've already briefly touched on (and presumably you already read ch 92 before this), Jouno has already stated his goals, which gives us a good sense of where he stands morally.

“I just want to hear the voice of someone’s suffering.” (p 9)

“To hurt people under the name of the law[,] corner them and hear their “sound” as they break.” (p 10)

Now that we’ve more than established that Jouno is in fact, a sadist, I do want to emphasize Jouno’s mention of the law. Not only does he enjoy making people suffer (specifically psychologically, as he’s mentioned before), but he specifically mentions that he wants to do it “under/in the name of the law”, meaning that he likely either only wants to do it in a “justifiable”/“excusable” way or that he doesn’t want or plan to be held accountable for his actions (or worse, both). Until we get a backstory reveal, there could be any number of reasons for him being this way. I think it’s fairly likely that he’s from a similar situation to Fukuchi (took part in the Great War, and the mental scarring of everything he experienced then caused him to find some sort of extreme and inhumane goal or enjoyment to cope with it all). So for example, he could have been drafted for the War because he’s an ability user (or maybe he already happened to be in some sort of training where he received recognition for his skills, ie. the military academy or part of a renowned dojo) and eventually that led him to become a sadist because coping mechanism or discovering that he’s a sadist because of some extreme circumstances (ie. having to interrogate a prisoner for the first time and realizing how much he enjoyed giving and hearing the psychological torture).

Example of Jouno's excuses and justification

“I was just asking suspects for cooperation!”

“Then do it after they sign the consent form for judicial transaction. Otherwise, it’s not justice.” (p 12)

On one hand, we have Jouno who is very quick to make excuses for his actions by using his position as an officer to justify his behavior. Despite knowingly and intentionally using extreme measures, beyond what's necessary for the situation, he's using the law and his job to try to justify it. (If you're seeing some real-world parallels here, good job!)

On the other hand, we have Tecchou who very clearly values actual justice that is fair to all parties (as we’ve seen previously with him promising the cafe owner that the ADA will get a fair trial at the very least in ch 72). In fact, I think it’d be safe to say that Tecchou is the one that values impartial justice and fairness the most out of the HD, but that's not the focus here.

Parallelisms and which other organizations would suit him and his goals

(p 15-16)

For starters, Jouno appears to be on the side that believes that the ADA is a part of/affiliated with the DOA (if I’m not reading this wrong)

Also, I’d like to highlight him saying:

“ ‘Our tastes match’, if I should say. The abusive nature. To be honest, I’m almost empathetic. If we happen to lose this battle, I wouldn’t mind reemploying to their side. Not to say that we wouldn’t possibly lose.”

Jouno has no doubt in the strength of the HD but also just wants to be on the abusively cruel side dishing out the suffering. If he’s able to use his position to excuse his actions (ie. what he said about Aya just a few pages ago), then that’s even better for him. The ADA has an ability permit and currently ⅓ of the police force is siding with them and believes in their innocence. Joining the ADA next, should the HD lose, would be the most advantageous for him, if the allegations of them being abusively cruel terrorists were true.

In my opinion, his actual next best organization to join, based on his interests and goals so far as well as his own methods, would be the PM. They have an ability permit too and he’d have just as many chances to be either on the front lines and/or work with the interrogation team. With what his goals has revealed about his moral code, he’s just more cut out for the nature and surface level goals of the PM than the ADA. In fact, Dazai has already admitted to the two of them being alike (which we as the readers can deduce is for their methods in manipulation and interrogation) and Dazai has previously mentioned that he’d sometimes have to come in and help Kouyou’s interrogation team with the job (ch 19). Jouno joining the PM could be a very easy transition, should he stop caring about doing things “under the name of the law” (p 10). However, there is a loophole with the PM being a part of the tripartite tactic, of which the whole goal is to protect Yokohama. Both we as the readers and the members of the ADA know that despite their methods, the PM does in fact care about upholding the overall peace and safety of Yokohama. The reason why he jokes about joining the ADA and makes no mention of the PM (at least in my opinion), is because before all of this, to the public eye, the ADA was one of the “good guys” that were upholding the law whereas the PM is quite literally the mafia. (I touch on this part too in my ch 89.5 cover art analysis.)

Back to answering Fukuchi's question now

I feel like Jouno is ever so slightly more likely to form some kind of alliance with Fukuchi as Kamui but not straight up joining the DOA/allying with the DOA as a whole because again, Jouno is very much sadistic but he also specifically tells Aya (a possible hostage and a confirmed supporter of the ADA) that he specifically wants to “to hurt people under the name of the law” (p 10). Fully siding with the DOA and Kamui would mean that he’d no longer be working under the protection of the law, by any extent, unless Fukuchi were to create some kind of excuse as the commander of the HD (ie. Jouno was under the control of the vampirism). He might work with Fukuchi but I don’t think he’d work with or for Kamui. Either way, I think that overall it’s a very close tie.

In short:

If he says yes then he’d risk not having the law to protect him any longer, which is a part of what he clearly wants to have. The only way around this is some sort of agreement where Fukuchi will create a believable excuse for Jouno helping or he does it in a very indirect way that won't be noticed by others or can easily be played off as some sort of coincidence.

If he says no, he’d likely have to go up against Fukuchi and Bram and risk getting turned as well. I doubt he’d be killed since that would raise too many questions with Tecchou and Teruko, and thanks to Tachihara’s fight, I’d say it’s all been explicitly stated that still being alive is a part of the requirements to be turned into a vampire. When Tachihara tried to off himself as a last resort, specifically to stop Fukuchi and Bram from turning him into a vampire, Fukuchi personally prevented that from happening (ch 90).

Jouno has established that he just wants to hear the sound of people suffering (which Fukuchi would probably have learned of or figured out by now, considering that he’s the commanding officer here), which can be achieved from quite literally any side. However, his condition to this is doing it "under the name of the law", so being on a side that has the law’s protection and works on the front lines is where he’d be closest to achieving this with minimal risk (so realistically the HD or ADA). I doubt Jouno would have any interest in joining the Special Division because I doubt he’d get to do much interrogating or front-line work there, in addition to him having less of an excuse for his cruel methods, and I've already gone over why he'd rather join the ADA than the PM.

[mooniefics]

— in the grand scheme of things [ 1 ]

pairings : zeke jaeger / reader, referenced eren jaeger / reader

word count : 8.4k

tags : unhealthy relationships, relationship discussions, implied cheating, drinking, break ups, eventual smut, praise kink, mutual infidelity, dubious morality, love triangles

warnings : contains nsfw, sexual coercion, intoxicated reader, rlly toxic behavior

summary : you and eren hadn't been doing the best these past few months, and no one that you knew seemed to have any answers for you, or pointers in the right direction. who better to offer you some sound, insightful relationship advice than his older brother. or so you thought.

note : i apologize if the text convoformatting is a little yucky, i pinky promise it looked wayy better on ao3 (//▽//)

— originally posted 1 / 20 / 21 on ao3 —

you would reluctantly admit that you and eren had been experiencing a few issues as of recently.

it was the run-of-the-mill turbulence: ignored texts and phone calls, unexplained hostility, hanging around with your shared group of friends—more his than yours—without you. you'd been able to ignore it around midterms, being so busy with studying and getting all your family affairs in order for the end of the year that you didn't have much time to worry about how he hadn't bothered to respond to your "happy new year, baby!!!" message you'd sent days ago.

but winter break came and went with no reply from him, you spent christmas and new years in the company of your parents, who couldn't seem to keep quiet about asking about "that jaeger boy". you couldn't really blame them for their questions, you'd been friends for nearly four years now, in a relationship since the night of senior prom, even followed each other to the same university with a few other high school friends just to stay close. the summer that preceded your first year of college was so full of love and life, celebrating your newfound freedom that you had always thought would come with adulthood. but you supposed that it was just the hopeless romantic in you talking, it was called the honeymoon phase for a reason.

consulting his best friends about his sudden detachedness yielded nothing—mikasa had never held much besides poorly hidden disdain for you, and all armin had to offer was nervous glances over to the uninterested girl as he assured you that he was probably stressed about his classes, or had another disagreement with his mother about his choice of major, just excuse after excuse for his friend's behavior. you were feeling desperate. you had little desire to break things off, to throw away nine months of commitment despite how your relationship had soured. you were in love with him, and he hadn't explicitly expressed that he wanted to end things, just left you out of the loop for a bit, nothing that couldn't be fixed with a nice long conversation over dinner, right?

but how could you reach him if he wouldn't answer your calls, if his friends only seemed to want to placate you rather than actively help, you felt like there was nobody to turn to—except him.

zeke, the ever-elusive older brother. you'd met him upon one of your first visits to eren's house, a brief, somewhat awkward exchange when you'd ventured into the kitchen by yourself to grab a few things for your friends in the living room. he'd startled you when you turned out of the pantry to find him standing by the fridge, eyeing you and your armful of chip bags curiously, only wearing a pair of thin-framed glasses and grey sweatpants, revealing the sculpted expanse of his muscular arms and torso, an unopened can of beer in his hand.

"you one of eren's friends?" he'd asked, cracking open the tab and taking a generous gulp.

you replied with a quick nod, adding a sheepish "yup..! everyone else is in the living room, i'm on snack duty" with a shaky smile.

he chuckled, shaking his head and running a hand through his shaggy blonde hair. "typical eren. 'm zeke, good to meet you."

he didn't bother to ask your name before he disappeared into the adjacent hallway, the distant sound of a shutting door finally letting you release the breath you didn't know you'd been holding. that was how a majority of your exchanges went over the last few years, the longest conversations you'd had was when he'd offered to help you on your physics homework more than a couple times, his number was only in your phone because of the one time you'd worn the teeshirt of a band he happened to like and he wanted to send you a playlist. there were plenty of things you didn't know about him, but he was eren's older brother—half-brother, if you wanted to get technical—and after seeing the deflective nature of his closest friends, zeke seemed to be your next best option.

so now you were here, nervously standing at the door to his new apartment, dressed nicely so you didn't risk making a bad impression after not having seen him all these months. he seemed sympathetic over the phone when you'd called him last night, not minding how you'd contacted him out of the blue or that it was only for the sake of asking something of him, inviting you to discuss things more thoroughly over dinner. you didn't know whether he'd extended a helping hand for his brother's sake or your own, but you would be grateful no matter what if he gave some sound advice and a few words of reassurance.

you were startled out of your thoughts by the sound of the lock unlatching, the door swinging open to reveal zeke, smartly dressed in a pair of dark jeans and dress shirt, the top few buttons left undone. "sorry if i kept you waiting," he said, stepping aside to allow you in, "dinner's just about ready."

"no worries." you replied quickly as you slipped off your heels, hoping the heat warming your face wasn't flushing visibly on your cheeks.

he had always been a good-looking guy, an effortless sort of attractiveness that was only magnified by the relaxed yet perceptive air he carried. but he'd changed since that day you first met—his shaggy hair had been trimmed back into a shorter, more manageable style, the usual scruff of facial hair had grown out into a well-maintained beard, frames that similarly complimented his handsome features perched on the bridge of his nose. flashing a polite smile, you stepped into the apartment, trying not to let your anxiety get the better of you as the door was shut and locked behind you.

"nice place." you mused, peering about at the spacious, well-decorated interior as you followed beside him.

"thanks, honestly i'm glad i could find someone that was willing to split the rent," you felt nerves stir in the pit of your stomach, the thought of having to meet the other tenant leaving you feeling a bit uneasy. he turned down to glance at you, grey eyes glinting as he offered you an easy grin, "you don't have to worry about my roommate, i kicked him out for the night so you didn't feel uncomfortable."

you were sure the blush on your face was evident now, biting at the inside of your cheek as you both entered into the kitchen. "oh.. thank you. sorry if i caused any trouble, i know this was kind of last minute."

"no worries." he echoed your earlier sentiment, motioning you to the table just beside the kitchen before he returned to the skillet on the stove. the warm scent of coriander and turmeric filled the air as he lifted the lid and set it aside on the counter, stirring the simmering contents within. "hope you like curry," he said over his shoulder, turning down the gas on the stove and opening up the cabinet beside him to pull out the plates, "i didn't make it too spicy, just in case."

"i don't really eat it too often, but it smells amazing."

you felt yourself starting to relax into the chair, shedding your jacket and hanging your purse on the side of the chair as you watched him scoop a generous portion of white rice onto each plate. it was just you two here, he was willing to help, and you were incredibly grateful for his hospitality.

you pulled your phone out of your pocket to fiddle with while he was still plating the food, aimlessly tapping through your apps to kill some time. your text to eren from a few days ago still read "delivered", and you felt a slight twinge prick in your chest as you closed out of your messages, opting to scroll through your feed on one of the few social medias your friends had convinced you to download. it was relatively safe to look there, seeing as eren didn't post all that often, if at all, but seeing everyone your age, people that you knew from your classes posing with their boyfriends and girlfriends and going out on excursions with their peers made you feel jealous. you couldn't have imagined what you had done to deserve such a shitty situation.

your thoughts were interrupted by the dull clink of the plate being set before you, the clatter of silverware following as he rounded over to the opposite side of the table to place his things down. you switched your phone on silent just in case, tucking it back into your purse and sitting up a bit straighter in your chair. but instead of sitting down, he wandered back over to the kitchen, reaching up into a different cabinet to fetch two glasses.

"i'm assuming talking about your relationship troubles isn't the easiest, so pick your poison. i've got gin, tequila, beer—" he listed off the myriad of drinks he had at his disposal, pausing to throw you a glance. "but i honestly pegged you as a vodka kind of girl."

you felt a nervous giggle bubble up in your chest, fingers twisting in your lap, feeling more than juvenile as you replied. "i'm still under twenty-one, so i'm not really much of a drinker.."

"come on, you're in college now," he said, pulling a bottle of vodka from one of the lower cabinets and stepping over to the fridge, "most of the people hosting parties don't give much of a shit whether you're of legal drinking age or not, and i've got a feeling that you really don't either. i know i got shit-faced plenty of times during my freshman year."

you mentally debated the principles of accepting, he was right in saying that you had attended plenty of parties where you drank with your friends, suppressing a grimace at the memories of you throwing up in a stranger's bathroom while an equally drunk historia or sasha held your hair back. but those times you'd been looking to get wasted, drinking in this context would just be for the sake of loosening up, easing the sting of ripping off the metaphorical bandaid that was the thought of your relationship slowly crumbling right before your eyes.

"you're right," you relented, much to his delight, "and, yes, i guess i am a vodka kind of girl."

you didn't appreciate how charming the grin your words garnered was, fixing your eyes on the steaming plate of chicken curry in front of you before you could embarrass yourself. you were here to figure out how to smooth things over with your boyfriend, not oogle at his unnecessarily attractive older brother.

"here, something simple to start you off." he set down the glass on your place mat, finally taking his seat across the table, "there's plenty of ginger beer and limes in the fridge, and plenty of vodka still left."

you stole a glance at his drink. "whiskey, on the rocks.. how refined."

he gave a low chuckle at your sarcasm, taking a slow sip. "it's an acquired taste, i wouldn't expect someone your age to appreciate it." that was right, he was older than you, significantly older than you. just because you were legally an adult didn't mean your life experience could crop up to zeke's.

"old man." you murmured, a small smile perking up at both of your lips as you spooned some of the curry and rice into your mouth, "wow, thi' i' really gu'!" you managed to speak around the mouthful of food, grey eyes watching you intently with an obvious bemusement from across the table.

"i'm glad you like it. guess those years working at a couple restaurants around town weren't a complete waste." he said, tasting his own bite of the food, "cumin's a little off, hope you can forgive me for that."

"are you kidding me? this exceeds restaurant quality. i can barely put eggs in a pan without burning the kitchen down."

you were nearly a quarter through your plate already, setting your utensil down to take a sip of the drink he'd made for you. it was simple, bubbly, a nice mix of ginger, vodka, and lime to cool off your tongue. you could barely taste the alcohol, which somewhat eased your worries of becoming a drunken mess that required him to babysit you for the rest of the night.

you were both silent for a moment, the air occupied with the scrape of spoons and quiet sips from your respective glasses, and you were beginning to dread ruining such an easy mood with the topic of your emotional turmoil. but zeke beat you to the punch, clearing his throat as he settled his gaze onto you.

"so, you and my brother. you wanted to talk about that, right?"

you allowed yourself to frown a bit, taking a generous sip of your drink before you answered. "yeah. i don't really know where to start.."

"when did you first start noticing problems?"

you felt somewhat eased by his calm tone, bright grey eyes that were entirely focused on you, wordlessly reassuring you that you could trust him with this. you'd come this far, there was no point in trying to back out now.

"well, i guess it was around november." you began, scraping all of the food left onto one side of your plate to keep your hands occupied, "we'd all met up for halloween, me and eren and mikasa and armin—" you prattled off the other names of your friends, even some that you weren't sure he knew from your high school days, but he nodded along all the same. "and we all had an amazing time. got all dressed up, wandered around campus and crashed in on the frat parties, drank ourselves stupid, like you said. and at one point i just completely lost track of eren, and i didn't see him or anyone else besides sasha, connie, and mina for the rest of the night. after that, he kind of dropped off the face of the earth, wouldn't pick up my calls or answer my texts, always told me he was busy when we ran into each other on campus, and he wasn't at his dorm most of the time i came to try and check on him."

by the end, you'd finished off your drink, zeke wordlessly getting up to grab everything to pour you a new one without you asking. you were more flustered at his attentiveness, forcing yourself to chalk it up to him being an excellent host as he returned with a freshly opened can of ginger beer, pouring it over the ice in your glass and adding at least two shots of vodka, finishing it off with half a lime before returning to his seat. had he put that much alcohol the last time?

the thought slipped your mind as he swallowed a few spoonfuls of curry and spoke. "hmm.. so everything was going just fine, and then all of a sudden radio silence?"

you nodded, working on your remainder of rice, watching his face take on a pensive expression.

"if i'm being honest, eren has always been a little shithead." you suppressed a giggle at that. "he's rude, he's immature, and most of all, he's a terrible liar."

"mhm, the ears are a dead giveaway." you added, earning a grin over the rim of his glass.

"exactly. my stepmom— his mom always called him on his shit with that." you shared a moment of laughter at that, the memory of how defensive he would get over in when you'd first pointed it out making you feel a distant nostalgia creeping in the back of your mind.

you remembered how easy the days where all you had to worry about was catching up on all your late work and forcing yourself to learn about nintendo games for the sake of impressing your crush. now on top of school, you had bills and parties and shitty professors and an even shittier situation with your first long-term relationship that had started off so well yet devolved into feeling like you were a million miles away despite living on the same campus.

"so, eren is a shithead. and a terrible liar. go on." you took a long sip of your drink, unable to distinguish the warmth of the alcohol from the warmth of the curry in your stomach.

"well, he's just— how do i say this..." zeke murmured the last bit more to himself than you, pushing up his glasses on his nose and scratching the back of his neck, "he doesn't know a good thing when he sees it." you felt your heart skip at that. "like that mikasa girl, her and eren have been friends since grade school, and never once in all those years has eren ever acknowledged the way she's fuckin' head over heels for him." the mention of mikasa made you feel a sharp pang echo through your chest, suddenly feeling much more disheartened than before, especially at the mention of her perpetual affinity for him.

"but, i do have to give the kid some props," he continued, taking a sip of his whiskey, "at least he had enough of a brain to realize that you're a real catch. if i'm being honest, you're out of his league, and when you first started dating, he knew that."

you couldn't tell if your face was feeling hot because of his words or the fact that you'd just finished off your second drink in one long gulp, already reaching for the unopened ginger beer and vodka. blinking away the glassiness starting to settle over your vision, you met his gaze, suddenly feeling much smaller before him. he waited until you'd finished refilling your drink before he began again, not saying anything about how you'd accidentally poured much more vodka than you meant to.

"i think eren's problem is that he's getting too cocky," your appetite was starting to disappear as you focused on his words, still trying to finish what was left on the plate, "doesn't know his ass from his elbow, but he still thinks he's got everything figured out. you know what i mean, right?"

you nodded with an affirmative hum, a series of incidents that made you want to rip the boy's head off flashing through your mind only added credence to his claim. your tongue was starting heavy in your mouth, movements sluggish as you washed away what was left of dinner with more of your drink. you hadn't been truly drunk in months, not since that halloween party, only indulging in the occasional mimosa over breakfast with your family and your celebratory champagne for new years.

you hoped the heaviness weighing at your lids didn't show on your face, or that your words didn't string together when you replied. "i know exactly what you mean, can't imagine how hard that was to deal with for the last nineteen years."

he chuckled, finishing off his whiskey. "i've saved that kid's ass more time than i could ever care to count. being the older brother is a thankless fuckin' job if i've ever seen one. you done with dinner?"

"yeah. thank you again, it was amazing."

he grinned at your praise, rising from his seat as he spoke. "here, table's kind of crowded, we can move to the couch. i'll take care of dishes later. you want a refill?"

"sure." you responded before you could really think about your answer, trying to subtly steady yourself on the table as you got to your feet, head already starting to spin.

blinking away the blurriness fuzzing at the edges of your vision, you wandered past him through the kitchen and into the adjacent living room, falling into the cushions of the couch before you could trip up over your own feet. you felt embarrassed by your lack of tolerance, but felt some of that tension ebb away when he made his way over to sit next to you, fresh glass of ginger beer and vodka in hand. you didn't expect to feel the warmth of his thigh pressing into yours when he settled down, placing your drink on the coffee table before he turned down to speak to you.

"alright, i haven't said much in the way of advice, so here's what i think."

you grimaced internally, reaching over with an unsteady hand to grab your glass and take a long sip to brace yourself for his thoughts. you weren't expecting that it would be an easy pill to swallow, he'd probably be realistic about things and tell you to just suck it up and break things off while you could still maintain a shred of dignity.

"i know this is probably not what you want to hear, but i really think you should break up with him."

your lips pressed into a thin line, partly from his assertion but mostly because of the burn of alcohol sliding down your throat. there was definitely much more vodka in this than there should be, but you didn't want to seem weak before him, trying not to shudder as you continued to take small, fast sips.

you nearly spat it up on yourself when his hand settled on the skin of your thigh exposed by your skirt, wide eyes raising to meet his intent gaze. "don't tell me you think a guy that ditches you for just about three months now is worth your time, even without everything else considered."

"everythin' else?" your words were starting to slur together, but you still tried to drown out the dread tangling in your gut with the bubbling contents of the glass.

"you haven't figured it out yet, have you.." he faltered, a slight frown drawing across his lips when you gave a hesitant shake of your head, sighing as he pulled his glasses off of his nose and folded them neatly to place on the coffee table. "think about it; he disappears on you while he was drunk at a party, most likely with hanging around alone with the female friend that's clung onto him for a majority of his life, and then after that night he just completely gives you the cold shoulder, avoids you every time you try and come talk to him, like he's running away from you." he paused, adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "like he's hiding something."

you felt your heart sink, biting firmly down on your bottom lip, a thick lump forming in your throat, eyes stinging. "s-so, you're saying th-that—"

you couldn't blink away the first tears as they dribbled down your cheeks, choking back a small sob. he carefully took the nearly empty glass from your hands and replaced it on the coffee table, you could make out the expression of pity drawn across his handsome features through your watery gaze. you didn't protest when the arm closest to you moved to wrap around your waist, the other curling around your shoulder and drawing you against him. restrained sniffles gave way to hiccuped sobs, your own hands linking around his neck and squeezing him tighter against you as you wept out into the empty air behind him.

normally you would've put on a brave face, maybe excused yourself to the bathroom to let out a few silent tears before you returned to thank him and stammer out some excuse to leave and spend the rest of the night wallowing on your own. but the alcohol had melted away any barriers you would've put up against zeke's compassion, made you crave the security his warmth provided as he pressed his face into your shoulder, a large, gentle hand rising to stroke over the crown of your head. he let you cry on your own for a while, not minding how your fingers clutched tightly at his shirt or how your snot and tears wet the pale fabric, petting your hair and rubbing soothingly over your shuddering back.

your adjacent thighs were nearly overlapping each other, but all you could think of was how your hammering heart felt like it was one beat away from bursting at the seams, the dim glow of the lamp in the corner that blurred into a shapeless ball of light, his steady breath fanning across the skin of your neck.

"that asshole doesn't deserve you." he murmured, voice low as his lips ghosted over your shoulder, strong arms fastening their hold around you.

you couldn't help but shudder at the feeling as you sniffed, swallowing down the tension balling in your throat before you managed a shaky reply. "h-he's your brother, i thought you'd b-be on his side.."

"what makes you think i'd be on his side after hearing how he treated you?" his fingers worked their way deeper into your hair, palm cradling the back of your head. you forced yourself not to squirm when his face nestled further into the crook of your neck. "you deserve someone mature, someone who can treat you right.. someone who can make you feel good..."

you let out an alarmed breath at the feeling of a soft kiss over your skin, then another, posture stiffening as your grasp around his neck slackened. "wait, i c-can't," you started, the sudden sensation of his fingers sinking into your waist and drawing you closer against him making you lose your words for a moment, "i haven' officially broken up with eren, just because he might've ch-cheated on me doesn't mean-"

"there's no use trying to deny what he did.. what's done is done, you need to do what's best for you—right here, right now." his voice lowered even further, barely a whisper as he implored, "what do you want to do?"

you bit back a weak sound when his tongue drew a slow lick over the sensitive skin, the involuntary heat stirring between your legs making your thighs clench. this was wrong, you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be letting this happen, an endless stream of muddled thoughts flashed through your mind as you desperately searched for some sort of excuse to buy yourself a few more moments to think. a distant memory popped into your head, the blurry mental image of zeke with his arm draped around a dark-haired woman when you'd dropped by to visit eren just before you'd both moved in on campus.

"g-girlfriend!! don't you have a girlfriend?!" you blurted desperately, a small whimper slipping out of you as he gave a brief suck over your pulse.

"girlfriend?" he paused his motions, chuckling lowly and giving a small shake of his head when he realized who you were thinking of, "oh, pieck? i'd hardly call her a girlfriend, just an old buddy. honestly, it's no wonder you got stuck in this sort of situation, you manage to find an excuse for everything."

you couldn't ruminate on his patronizing tone for longer than a moment before he returned to kissing at the sensitive skin of your neck, testing the waters of your resilience. you were afraid of your responsiveness to his touch, your body's unabashed honesty, afraid of how your protests had devolved into uncertain whimpers and shifts in your seat.

"good girl," he murmured, sending a jolt of heat racing up your spine, "see how easy that was? this is what you want, isn't it?"

you allowed the fingers in your hair to gently tug your head back, exposing more skin to his eager mouth as he teased a bite just under your jaw, drawing a soft whine and an even deeper flush of heat over your cheeks from you. your movements were sluggish, limbs leadened with inebriation falling down easily when he urged you down onto your back. in one slow blink he'd settled on top of you, warm lips melded easily against your own as his fingers began to work at unbuttoning your blouse.

maybe he was right, maybe you just needed to accept that you and eren's time had come to pass and indulge in what you really wanted—and now that he'd made it an option, what you really wanted right now was to feel the warmth of his bare flesh on yours, taste more of the whiskey on his breath as his tongue slid between your teeth, replace every hint of eren that still resided on your skin with his scent of expensive cologne. you could already feel the ache of a forming bruise at the base of your neck, fingers messily tangling in his hair and back arching up to his hands when they began to smooth across your chest, snaking under your body to undo the clasp of your bra.

"you never told me what exactly you wanted, baby.." he murmured over your lips, low-lidded eyes meeting yours, "do you want us to just kiss, or do you want me to touch you?"

"touch me, please.." you mumbled restlessly, quickly becoming impatient with the fact that his hands had halted after slipping the straps of your bra free from your arms and tossing it somewhere behind him to be forgotten.

but even after you answered, he didn't continue, a smug smirk tugging at his lips as he gazed down at you. "and then what after that? do you want me to touch you here? his fingers ghosted over the swell of your breasts. "or here?" one hand trailed down the length of your abdomen, forefinger just barely hooking onto the waistline of your skirt and giving it a teasing tug.

"zeke." you whined in frustration, mind foggy with lust and alcohol, uncoordinated hands wrestling with his shirt despite not having undone the buttons first, "you're being mean.."

"sorry," he said without a hint of remorse in his voice, only pride as he returned his hands to your chest, "you're just too easy to tease, so responsive, i'd never get bored of playing with you."

you took it as a compliment, as praise, rather than what it really was. it was easier to think of it like flattery in the moment, to push the obvious reminder that his brother had gotten bored of you out of your mind. despite the implication of such a statement, you couldn't help the odd sense of safety you found in such an equivocal intimacy, hazy, not sound of mind, not entirely yourself as you offered him your body, his to kiss and grab and bruise if only for the night.

you hummed with approval when his lips trailed down to the valley of your chest, fingers sinking into the soft flesh of your breasts, but making a point to avoid your nipples, only further denying you the stimulation that you thought he'd finally assured you with that last arrogant taunt. you could feel his smile on your skin, nearly huffing at the realization that you couldn't squeeze your thighs together to give yourself some friction with him positioned between them like he was, buzzing with warmth yet entirely unfulfilled.

"patience is a virtue.." he murmured sagely, unfazed by your second sound of annoyance.

"what about trying to fuck your brother's girlfriend is virtuous." you bit back, momentary anger leaving you in a surprised pant as he gave a gentle tug to one of your nipples.

"ex-girlfriend." he corrected after a quiet chuckle at your forthrightness, mouth closing around the pert bud not being rolled between his slender fingers.

you moaned out a soft curse, hand threading back into his thick hair and pressing him further against you. the fog that had been momentarily sobered clouding your senses once more, hips rutting up into nothing as he worshipped your skin with his lips, teeth, and tongue. you felt the spark fully reignite when one hand moved back down your stomach to wrestle with the button of your skirt, the zipper sliding down easily after it was undone, fingers delving under the loosened waistline to palm at you through your underwear. he pulled away from your nipple with one last gentle bite over the tender skin, low voice at a husky mutter.

"have you ever had sex before?"

you quickly nodded down at him, seeing your own dazed stare reflected in his darkened eyes, pupils almost entirely overtaking the cool grey.

"was it with him?"

you swallowed thickly, suddenly finding yourself unable to meet his gaze, turning away to focus on your long finished drink on the coffee table, ice already half melted in the sweating glass. "yes." you barely whispered.

"was it good?"

you bit the inside of your cheek, blinking fast, trying to dispel the blanket of unease that was quickly settling over you, suffocating you. you only answered with a non-committal shrug, feeling your face burn with a humiliation that he couldn't have thought such a line of questioning would have not inspired.

he maintained a steady gaze with you for a moment longer, lowering his head back to rest at your shoulder without another word and picking a place on your neck to bite and lick at, fingers rubbing slow circles over the drenched fabric beneath them. a small moan bubbled up in your chest, squirming at just the easy attention over your clit, lids falling shut as your head sank back into the cushioned arm of the sofa.

you sighed out a small whimper of relief when he finally tugged your underwear to the side, fingers instantly slicking with your arousal when they met your bare skin, sliding in with little resistance. he'd started out with just two, but the incessant desire to be filled was quelled for the moment with them, drawing a pathetic mewl out of you when they curled just right within you.

"are you always this excited?"

another question you didn't know the honest answer to, but you shook your head anyways, accompanying it with a weak "n-no" to stroke his ego like you knew he wanted you to. you went stiff with a sudden tension when felt a third finger prodding at your pussy, eyes flying back open as you made a disconcerted sound of protest.

"relax.." he murmured into your shoulder, biting softly over one of the fresher marks, "if you can't handle this, how can you take me?"

you took a shaky breath, taking your bottom lip between your teeth as you let your thighs fall open a bit more, doing your best to not clench your muscles. and you could feel how he let out a low groan over your skin when he finally slipped in all three, burying them knuckle-deep, rewarding you with a smattering of open-mouthed kisses across your bruised flesh.

"good girl. good girl." he nipped at your jaw, adjusting the speed of his wrist to match how your hips rolled up to meet his hand, the pad of his thumb rolling firmly over your clit.

you could feel that warm knot in your stomach tangling further, the tantalizing thought of release ebbing every bit of trepidation out of you as you allowed your moans and whines to spill out into the open air, heels digging into the felt of the couch around him. but just moments before you could find your high, his touch gone, and he was rising off of you to sit back on his calves, absentmindedly wiping the wetness from his fingers away on his pants, making quick work of his shirt, standing briefly to kick off his pants and help you out of your displaced bottoms before he settled back over you.

your skin was hot with need against his own, arm linking around his sturdy back and pressing his lips back over yours, letting him guide one leg up against his side as he lined himself up with you. you squeaked when you felt the tip of his cock press into you, hands bracing themselves on his shoulders, wide, unfocused eyes gazing up at him for some sort of reassurance. and that sense of security filled your heaving chest, that knowing look he focused solely on you, only made for you in this moment, forehead pressed to yours, breath fanning over your lips.

a strained, shuddering whine broke from your throat as he eased himself inside of you, inch by inch, barely able to hold your eyes open enough to maintain his fixed stare, mouth falling open in a feeble attempt to gasp back in all the air he'd pushed out of you.

"fuck." he growled lowly, fingers sinking almost painfully into the thigh in his grasp, trying to fit his body as close as it could possibly be to your own.

another sound rumbled out of him from deep in his chest when your nails dug into the firm muscle beneath them, hungry, greedy lips capturing yours. his pace was mercifully slow, given that he was probably just as eager for his own release as you were for yours, but the overwhelming fullness that you felt each time his hips met yours drove whatever tiny breath you'd been able to catch between his kisses.

you spread your legs as far as the narrow space of the couch allowed it, whimpering, feeling how you were already making a dripping mess of your thighs and the fabric beneath you. your heart was practically beating out of your chest, so loud in your ears that you wouldn't be surprised if he could hear it too, his mouth catching every pant and moan he drew from you, the steady pace of his movements falling away into an ardent, frenzied rhythm. his mouth strayed back to your neck, grunting and biting into the abused flesh, and without the barrier to muffle your sounds you were whining out into the open space of the apartment, gasping in the air humid with your shared arousal, nails scratching down his back without care for whether they'd leave a mark, only dragging them back across his hot skin over and over again just to hear him groan out your name once more.

you could feel yourself climbing back up towards that delightful precipice, legs wrapping around his body and forcing him deeper into you so he could reach that spot that made white stars burst across the darkness of your close-lidded eyes. you tried to force your mouth to form coherent words, to warn him about how dangerously close you were, but all that spilled from your lips was more breathless sounds, body arching up to press against his as heat scalded over every inch of your bare skin, limbs shuddering and clinging desperately to him as he continued to roughly thrust into you.

tears were pricking at your eyes by the time he moaned a jumbled string of curses into your neck, arms nearly giving out beneath him as he spilled himself inside of you, your chests heaving in an unmatched, ragged unity against each other. he stayed there for a few moments, still inside you, struggling to catch his breath but still pressing the occasional kiss over your neck and shoulders. your fingers released their grasp on him, not realizing how hard you'd been clenching your hands until you felt the stiff ache resonating through your joints.

you tried to murmur something to him, but all that escaped was a weak whimper, legs slipping back down to lay on the couch, arms resting heavy on his back. you hadn't meant to fall asleep so fast, but your head had already been spinning from warm shocks still echoing through every fiber of your body, let alone the alcohol and the sheer physical exertion. you let your eyes fall shut, lids far too heavy to keep open, and slipped away easily into a dreamless slumber.

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

zeke blindly reached about for the towel he'd set aside near the sink, finally grabbing it and pressing it to his dripping face, patting his skin and beard dry before tossing it into the hamper by the door. replacing his glasses onto his face, he blinked away the grogginess in his eyes, running his fingers through his hair to flatten it into a somewhat presentable style. he turned to the open door, catching a glimpse of you nestled under the comforter of his bed, a small smirk tugging at his lips.

he'd carried you to his room last night, but didn't get the chance to clean you up until this morning. by then, the bruises that had been an angry shade of red over your neck and chest had settled into your skin and darkened significantly, some bordered by deeper teethmarks that still had yet to fade. you hadn't stirred when he'd pulled the covers away from you for just a few moments, peeling off your underwear that he'd haphazardly replaced on your body to keep the mess to a minimum and gently wiping his cum away from your skin with a wet washcloth. he'd really tired you out, and something about seeing you so exhausted after just one night with him made a flicker of pride swell in his chest.

flicking off the light in the bathroom, he didn't bother to add a shirt over his relaxed attire of just a pair of sweatpants as he left his bedroom, making sure to quietly shut the door behind him.

"rise and shine." his back was still to the kitchen when he heard reiner's voice, turning to face his roommate who was looking at him with a mix of disapproval and curiosity, most likely having gotten a good look at the scratches you left down his skin last night.

"how was your time at bertholdt's?" zeke asked, ignoring reiner's frown as he glossed over his intrigue, wandering over to the fridge to grab some water for himself.

"not great." he grunted, reaching into the cabinet below the stove and fetching a pan, "he decided to invite annie over when he heard i was coming. you can imagine how boring it was to watch those two make eyes at each other the entire night."

zeke chuckled at that, cracking the top off of the cool bottle in his hands and taking a refreshing gulp, glancing at the table and noticing its lack of plates and the leftovers of night-old curry. "oh, you did the dishes. thanks."

"yeah, yeah, just glad you had your fun last night without me having to hear it." he stepped aside to let reiner put a carton of eggs and the butter out of the fridge. "but seriously man? the couch? you're gonna have to get that dry-cleaned or something, and i'm not helping you pay for it either."

"don't worry about it, i'll take care of it." he replied with a lazy smile, quickly adding on to his smooth response, "and be nice, alright? it's someone we know."

"who?" he asked, not at all looking it but obviously interested in his answer, flicking on the gas under the pan and dumping a spoonful of butter into it.

"one of eren's friends." reiner's eyes shot briefly over to him at that, prompting him to give a brief description of you, "remember? you saw her that time we all met up to watch that horror marathon while i still lived with my parents."

"wait.. you told me about her. isn't she dating your brother??"

"was dating my brother." he corrected, rolling his eyes at the disgruntled bewilderment etched across his friends face, "what? i had to show her that this generation of jaegers wasn't a complete disappointment.."

"whatever, man. your business." he finished off his water bottle in silence, watching reiner crack a few eggs in a bowl and whisk them together with a fork, finally breaking the silence with a generous offer. "you want me to make something for her?"

a slight grin broke out across zeke's face, dumping the empty plastic into the recycling bin, slapping reiner's back affectionately. "thought you'd never ask. thanks again, man."

"at your service." was his grumbled, monotone reply, the shadows weighing under his eyes clearly showing how late he'd arrived home last night and how little sleep he'd gotten. zeke was sure that once he'd got some coffee in him he'd cheer up a bit.

he was sure reiner wouldn't be done for another few minutes, so he wandered back into his room, wondering if you'd woken up yet so he could direct you to the shower if you wanted one. in the time that he'd been in the kitchen, you shifted around in bed, having rolled onto your back and knocked the covers away to reveal your bruised chest, hair covering half of your face but still identifiable. perfect.

zeke fished his phone from the pocket of his sweatpants, unlocking it and tapping into the camera app, taking a few steps closer to the bed and zooming in a bit before he snapped a picture of you.

                  10:39 am  you you sent an image to eren

eren  10:40 am uhhh did you send that to the wrong person

eren  10:41 am wait hold on who is that zeke who the fuck is that

eren  10:42 am is that my fuckingngirlfrined

you missed a call from eren

eren  10:43 am why the fuck aren't you fuckign picking up

you missed a call from eren (2)

eren  10:45 am holy shit what the fuck this can't be fucking happening zeke what the fuck is wrong wjth you you piece of fucking shit

zeke tapped out of his messages with his brother, sliding over his notifications setting to "do not disturb" before dropping his phone back into his pocket. he couldn't help the low chuckle he let out at his frantic replies. maybe if he'd held the same enthusiasm with you then he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. moving over to your side of the bed, he took a seat on the mattress beside you, perking up at the sound of your small groan, eyes sleepily fluttering open to gaze up at him.

"g'morning." you murmured, letting out a quiet yawn as you sat up in bed, holding the sheets up to cover your bare chest despite him having already seen you naked.

"how'd you sleep?"

"like a fucking rock." he laughed softly at your bluntness. "my head kinda hurts.. sorry i fell asleep on you last night."

you looked positively adorable right now, and he was glad you weren't panicking or having any second thoughts about him, that you had fully digested the reality of your situation and come to peace with it. well, at least the situation before he'd sent that picture to eren.

"don't worry about it," he assured you, keeping the thought of his brother probably blowing up his phone and leaving the usual voicemails of him screaming at him when he was angry in his inbox, "i'll get you some breakfast soon. need any ibuprofen?"

"yes please." you smiled gratefully up at him, his heart twinged. "and could you grab me my purse? i left it in the kitchen, my roommates probably wondering why i didn't come back last night."

he began to say yes, but thought of how you were probably receiving a similar slew of alarmed messages by this point made him stop. "how about a shower first? you'd probably feel a lot better after that."

you hummed thoughtfully for a few moments, rubbing the sleep from your eyes with the back of your hand. "a shower sounds nice.. if you don't mind."

"wouldn't have offered if i did, babe." he grinned at the way your cheeks flushed, waving a hand over to his bathroom door, "shower's in there, plenty of towels on the rack by the tub."

he stood, turning to begin making his way to the door to give you some privacy, but felt your fingers gingerly wrapped around your wrist. "zeke.. thank you. for everything. i've been in a really tough spot for the last few months, and now everything seems... it all seems a lot clearer to me, like i just took the hardest step and it'll be a breeze after this."

your smile was genuinely, infectious, eyes full of gratitude, and had it not been for the heavy news that you would most likely be finding out about within the hour, he probably would've responded with one of equal radiance. but he managed to perk up the corners of his lips for you, tracing back to press a quick kiss over the top of your head.

"at your service."

he was pleased to see that his copied, more charmingly delivered words garnered such a positive response from you. and so he made his way back out into the kitchen, pulling out his phone to briefly check the amount of notifications that had racked up on his lock screen. thirty-six messages and sixteen missed phone calls. damn was that little brat persistent.

despite having essentially thrown you under the bus, he didn't feel any semblance of guilt for the action of having sent that incriminating photograph. the only remorse he felt was for leaving you as the sole recipient to his brother's rage, and the fact that he was starting to feel a strange sort of affinity for you, something lighter and more innocuous than the lust that he had shown you the previous evening. so he slipped over to the dinner table, acknowledging reiner's announcement that your eggs were ready with a short hum, finding your purse exactly where you said it had been.

he could hear the sound of the shower being turned on, and he felt safe unzipping the small bag and rummaging around to fish your phone out from beneath your other belongings. as he'd expected, there were a few missed calls from a "sasha", who he assumed to be your roommate, the messages from "eren <3" quickly beginning to pile up on your home screen. and as the "incoming call" text showed on the screen and the phone began to vibrate, zeke held down on the power button, completely shutting it off before he pocketed the device.

he just had to keep you busy, get you to focus on anything besides your desire to get to your purse and check your phone, or figure out a polite way to quickly shoo you out of the door and get home before you realized that you didn't have it in your bag. he hadn't really planned for this outcome, he usually didn't have this sort of compassion for others when he set his mind to getting something done, but he had a feeling that the extra work would be worth it in the grand scheme of things.

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