#can I just have three months of being mentally stable so I can do my assignments

[hacksplatter]

wah

[aloesarchives]

Domestic Headcanons w/ Mama!Reader and the Fushiguros #2: New Addition to the Family!

TW/Warnings: Domesticity, AFAB/Female Reader, Family life, Pregnancy, Mention of Creampies but not sexual, unhinged crack, JJK OC(but not main x Reader)

Pairing: Toji Fushiguro x Fem!Reader

Pronouns/Usage: She/Her, Mama/Mom

It was about time I finished this, been sitting in my drive for a few months. Anyway, this is a general headcanon that takes place mostly in my Modern Au as Mayumi will appear in future along with her bio. But she may appear in my "Toji Lives" au depending how I'm really feeling, I will probably age her up if I do.

If you has questions or wanna ask more about her, feel free to drop an ask in my inbox!

Introducing:

Name: Mayumi (L/N) Fushiguro

Kanji Name: 万優三

Age: 2-3(Modern Au)

Given how Toji is a dog 25/8 whenever he’s given any alone time with you, Megumi is genuinely surprised he and Tsumiki don’t have at least two or more younger siblings.

It mostly comes down to you and Toji’s schedules and how having another child or having more children wouldn’t be the best choice for you two and the kids themself.

It was decided by you AND Toji that Megumi would be your last child since baby Megumi was a hassle and you two were dealing with two kids under the age of three. As time went on, raising the two was hard work but both of you two managed. Now Tsumiki and Megumi are in high school and can function, there’s no need for you and Toji to treat them like children even though they will always be your babies.

But with Tsumiki and Megumi always away at school, it’s mostly you and Toji at home. Yes, it was nice and peaceful to have your house with you and your hubby. But you start longing for the days your children were younger and small. Missing when Megumi would call you Mama and Tsumiki with Mommy. You become all sentimental especially looking through family pictures throughout the house and the family albums. You started to miss having to take care of a little one in the house.

Toji notices this change in your behavior so he asks what's on your mind. When you tell him you missed your children being children, he suggested having one more child. This shocked you considering that Toji told you himself that Megumi was your two’s last child. He didn’t want to have any more after that because Megumi was a handful. You told him if he’s not comfortable and isn’t ready for another one that he shouldn’t force himself just to make you happy. You’ll just satisfy it with old baby pictures from the past.

You didn’t want to have a child just because you wanted a baby to coddle and that’s it. All children deserve to have a parent but not every parent deserves a child. But Toji brings up the point that both you and him are more stable, both financially and mentally, and have more time to be at home. Since your two other children are teenagers who can do basic functions, you can focus on taking care of a child while taking care of teenagers.

After some time and Toji being the little devil on your shoulder, you gave the green light to have another child. Albeit being the last child you and Toji will ever have.

Toji is excited to have another kid with you and to give Tsumiki and Megumi a younger sibling. But we all know why Toji is REALLY happy to give you another child. As the man got to stepping in making you pregnant and having another kid. This man put so many creampies in you it’s insane.

But you guessed the universe wanted to make it easier the third time because, like all of your pregnancies which is only two, you got pregnant fast. It only took a month of trying to get pregnant. Just like any pregnancy, it was rough. It was your third time so you expected what’s to come, though it had been 12 years since you were last pregnant. But Toji, being your ever loving husband, took care of you and was at your beck and call(Explain in detail here). Your scary, intimidating, and grumpy dog of a husband becomes your sweet and protective puppy all over again(if Toji wasn’t fucking already lol).

You wanted to wait until a visible ultrasound was possible to tell your two children. Luckily, Megumi and Tsumiki would be home right after school ends and you would tell them the news. After dinner, you told your two children to wait a bit at the table as you got the ultrasound that’s sealed in an envelope. As you just place the envelope in front of your kids, they look at it curiously. Toji chuckles as Megumi flips the envelope on both sides before Tsumiki grabs it from her brother.

“So we opened it, Mom? What’s inside?”

“You’ll find out once you open it, my dear.”

Then Tsumiki opens the envelope and finds the picture. She takes it out and holds it so she and Megumi can look at it. It took Tsumiki a few seconds to figure out as her smile extended. Megumi is still confused when his sister says, “Are you really, mom?!”

You nodded your head as Tsumiki stood up from her chair and gave you a hug. Megumi was still trying to wrap his head around the picture. Toji chuckles at his son as he walks over to him. “Are you okay, Megumi? You’ve been staring at that picture like it was a puzzle.” “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be looking at. How come Tsumiki got it before I did?” Tsumiki goes to Megumi as she starts explaining the picture. Before she even finishes, your son looks at you with wide eyes as he blurts out, “You’re pregnant, Mom?!”

Toji bursts out in laughter at Megumi while you smile at your son. You were happy that your children felt the same way you did, especially seeing Megumi smile. You were worried about the age gap between your children and their youngest sibling but it seems to not be a problem to your kids. 

You loved the fact your children were happy about having another sibling.

Ever since the announcement, Megumi has been home more often. While your children have been more considerate(if they weren’t already), Megumi had this shift in behavior that made you a little worried. Once you were in your 2nd trimester, Megumi always tried to be home before sundown. He always called you after school if you needed anything from the grocery or convenience store. He was very reluctant to leave you alone. At home, he always checks up on you whether you’re in the bedroom, sitting on the couch, in your home office/personal rooms. 

As much as Megumi says he doesn’t take after his dad, you thought it was adorable and endearing how Megumi looked after you like Toji did. Because of your already fluctuating hormones, you dote and gush over Megumi way more than usual. You didn’t before because you wanted to respect Megumi’s space and independence. Always playfully pinching his cheeks, giving your mama kisses, petting and ruffling his hair, the list goes on. Megumi never pushes you away or rejects your affection because you are his mama and it makes you happy. It’s also because Megumi loves your affection as it reminds him of when he was a little boy, but since he’s older he wants to be taken more seriously and wants you and Toji to treat him as such. Yet it bit him in the ass because you respected his wishes and only gave him physical affection when he gave the green light.

Megumi, every time he’s home, is stuck at your side. You’re in the kitchen making yourself a drink, Megumi is sitting at the table already. On the couch folding a small laundry batch, Megumi’s helping you with it. Sitting in the garden underneath the tree, Megumi makes you sit on the blanket as sits beside you with his dogs laid out in the shade. The only time he isn’t is when you’re in the bathroom or sleeping in your bedroom. But Megumi sends his dogs to watch over you during your naps. Bro, Toji told Megumi to make room for him on the couch just for him to side-eyes his dad and say “no”. Then Megumi’s dogs appear next to you and lay their heads on your lap. Toji was so annoyed.

But you didn’t know how concerned Megumi was for you until you Gojo called you and said Megumi wanted to opt out of dorming his first year at Jujutsu Tech. You asked Gojo if Megumi said why and Gojo only said, “Megumi-kun only told me he just can’t, (Y/N)-sama.” By the time the call happened you were in your third trimester, meaning you were nearing your due date. You asked Toji if he knew but he had no clue either. You and your husband had a talk with Megumi about it. Megumi said he didn’t need to dorm when he’s in high school because he could just walk to school from the house. But Toji being the better interrogator, he got Megumi to spill the real reason. And so Megumi reveals he doesn't want to dorm once he goes to Jujutsu Tech because he wants to help out around the house and watch his little sibling grow up. 

“Megs, you know I’m home, right?”

Megumi looks at his father before continuing.

“As I was saying, I need to be here in my little sister’s life. I don’t want to be a stranger because she can’t remember me, Mom.”

You gave a reassuring smile to your son, placing a hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

“I get it, Megumi. I completely understand where you’re coming from. But I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me. I have your sister and papa after all to help me, especially your papa since he can cook anything we ask for. And know the school requires their first years to live on campus, so you do have to live on school grounds. You can always come back whenever you need to, this will always be your home, My Dear Megumi–Wait, little sister? You think it’ll be a girl, Megumi?”

He shrugs, causing Toji to raise his brow at him.

“Ya sure, Megs? You don’t think it’ll be a boy? Don’t you want another boy in the family?”

Megumi squints at his dad as he frowns.

“If I know this family, your genes are too strong, Dad. I’m a complete copy of you and Tsumiki only got Mom’s personality and smile. If it’s a boy, it will be another version of you and I don’t even wanna think about that. Plus, I wouldn’t mind having a baby sister around, especially if she takes after Mom.”

You were flattered and honored that Megumi felt this way while Toji was utterly offended at his own son.

Megumi is a good brother and son all over. He looks after you, he looks out for Tsumiki when he can, and has a good relationship with Toji. You’d think he’ll be an amazing older brother considering how caring and gentle he can be. He may be a little clumsy but he tries and that is what matters. 

You decided to bring Megumi and Tsumiki with you and Toji to your next ultrasound appointment. Luckily, no problems were detected for the precious Fushiguro baby. The doctor and technician also revealed that you were having a baby girl! Tsumiki is visibly happy, slightly shaking Megumi's shoulders while he had a soft smile of his own. Then you looked over at your husband to see him with a wide but genuine grin.

“What’s with the grin, Toji?”

“Nothing, Hon. Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Having another girl to spoil~.”

Your pregnancy goes as planned. Much to the dismay of Megumi, you gave birth while they were in school. As soon as Megumi and Tsumiki walk out of the school doors, they see Toji with the car waiting for them. “C’mon you two, don’t ‘cha want to meet your baby sister?” Tsumiki never saw Megumi sprinted towards the car so fast, whipping past her. Toji just laughs at Megumi’s eagerness to go see you and the baby.

Megumi is bouncing his leg in the car as they go to drive to the hospital. Once checking in, Megumi leaves his dad and sister in the dust to go find your room. Once he did, Megumi knocked gently before going inside with Toji and Tsumiki not far behind. Then the kids see the little baby bundled in your arms, sleeping away as you greet your older children. 

Megumi was right because Mayumi took after you except her eye color, which was like Megumi and Toji. But everything else, she was a carbon copy of you. You joked to Toji about being even since your third child looks like you. Toji goes along with it but he can’t help but feel warm inside knowing he has a daily reminder of his beautiful wife.

Megumi and Tsumiki get to hold their little sister. It was game over for Megumi because as soon as she was in his arms, he’d do anything for her. He was melting for his little sister and she didn’t even know it yet.

Megumi tries to spend a lot of time with her until he has to dorm at Jujutsu Tech. Megumi gets sentimental when he sees her baby pictures then and now she’s a toddler speaking full sentences. 

She loves to be held or sitting in someone’s lap. You, Toji, Tsumiki and Megumi, it doesn’t matter. She just likes to be close. It took her a long time to understand personal space but she tries her best. But she mostly likes being held by Toji since he’s tall. Plus she says Toji gives nice hugs. 

But Mayumi is picky when it comes to other people. She gets comfortable through exposure but she doesn’t like other people that much. She knows the others and is fine with them, but she’s not so much a people person. Not shy, just like a small circle.

Mayumi calls Tsumiki Miki-Nee or Tsumi Nee-san, then Mayumi calls Megumi Gumi-Nii and/or Mimi Nii-san.

Toji’s nicknames for Mayumi are Princess, Little Lady, Sweet Pea, and Snapdragon. Sometimes he does a variation of her name like Yumi or Mayu. But those don’t start coming until she’s much older.

Toji gets bummed out that Mayumi hangs out with Megumi and is her self-proclaimed favorite person. But you always remind him that she loves all of you, including him. This is true when she gets picked up by Toji at daycare or Toji comes home and she greets him. Always a smile on her face, arms out-stretched, while saying “Papa!”

Every time Toji is doing something outside, she’s either playing on the engawa, underneath the tree for shade, or running around and playing in the garden and the Koi pond nearby. She mostly likes watching the koi fishes swim around. She even deeps her feet into the crystal blue water as the fish gently nibble on her feet.

She’s also not a picky eater. Will eat anything and everything put in front of her that is seen as food. Her favorites are berries.

Mayumi’s favorite person is definitely Megumi. Toji thought it was him but he soon found out that was not the case. All because her first words weren’t Mama or Papa, her first words were Gumi. Then she started walking because she saw Megumi sitting on the couch while you were making lunch with Toji and took her first steps because she wanted to be near him. Sometimes when she can’t sleep, has a nightmare, or wants someone to take her to the bathroom, she usually goes to Megumi because his room is the closet. Some mornings, you would find Mayumi sleeping alongside Megumi. She usually hangs out in Megumi’s room doing her own thing or playing with his dogs. Megumi doesn’t mind but only gets annoyed when he’s napping or sleeping and she wakes him up. 

But she also hangs out in Tsumiki’s room too. Trying a new hairstyle, clothes, or playing with her stuffed animals. Tsumiki makes Mayumi into a Sanrio fan and even gives some of her plushies to Mayumi because she doesn’t play with them anymore. Every morning, Mayumi goes to Tsumiki to do her hair for the day. Sometimes asking Tsumiki to put a nice hair clip or bow for her. Mayumi’s so happy once she’s done that she shows you and Toji and it’s just so sweet oml.

She loves Megumi’s dogs and shikigamis. But her favorites are his white and black doggos. She loves playing and hugging them, always so gently with them. She likes to put ribbons on them like a collar and read to them. She would nap while laying on top of the white dog’s side and the black one is guarding her feet, making a protective circle around her. Then they allow her to grab onto them to help her practice walking. It’s so cute.

Mayumi knocks on doors before she enters. You don’t know where she picked it up from until you remember knocking on the doors yourself as you hold her. You assume she picked your habit, which turns out to be useful and courteous. It’s always three short knocks, keeping this habit even as a teenanger. 

Mayumi is the apple of the family’s eye and almost everyone, even for Yuuji, Nobara, Maki, Yuuta, Toge, Panda, and fucking Hakari and Kiara. They all have a soft spot for her. The worst of them all is Satoru, proclaiming he’s her big brother to which Suguru smacks him on the hand for it. He tries to win her over but his grand gift-giving actually scares her and makes her wary of him, much to Satoru’s dismay. To which goes to my next point:

Bro, your daughter doesn’t like Satoru. It’s high-key funny. She doesn’t hate him per say. She’s more scared and unsettled by him. One time, she started crying late at night because she had a nightmare. Megumi, with Mayumi in his arms, had to knock on your bedroom door because she was inconsolable and wouldn’t tell Megumi anything. Took all three of you, and eventually Tsumiki joined in, to calm her down. She was sniffling, burying her face into your neck, gripping her little hands as tightly as she could.

“Mayumi, Honey, do you feel a little better now?”

She nods into you but still holding on to you for dear life.

“Can you tell us what’s wrong? Please, Sweetheart?”

“White monster…The white monster with blue-eyes…Scary smile with pointing teeth…”

Tsumiki and Megumi looked at each other confused, you were just trying to figure out where she got that image from, while Toji held a frown before his eyes opened a bit upon realization. He has this goofy smile as he takes Mayumi from your arms and holds her in his own. Upon feeling being inside Toji’s arms, she instantly relaxes and looks up at him with a pout.

“So there’s a monster in your bedroom, Princess? You want me and your big brother Megumi to look for any monsters?”

She looks up at him with her little pout, sniffles, and nods her head quietly. Clutching to Toji like a Koala. Toji gets up with a grunt along with Megumi and they go into her room to look for the “monster”. Turning both the lights on and off along with Megumi bringing his dogs out. Mayumi watches the dogs sniff out her room, under her bed, and her closet.

“No monster, Gumi-Nii?”

Megumi pats her head softly.

“Yeah, no monsters in here, Mayumi.”

She’s still pouting even though Megumi confirmed no monsters while Toji rubs her back gently.

“Well Little Lady, you’re gonna sleep with Mama and I tonight so no monsters can get you. If there are, I’ll eat them.”

Mayumi giggles as he takes her into your shared bedroom to sleep peacefully for the night. Luckily she did as she snoozed away on his chest along with you tucked into his shoulder as your head rested on top of its side.

The next day, Satoru, Suguru, Shoko, Nanami, Haibara, and Yaga came to your house to talk about something. As they were discussing in your personal office, Mayumi knocks and she comes in to be held by you. While being held by you, you feel Mayumi shifting in your arms. You look down as she looks at Satoru with wary eyes. She clutches closer to you as she whines. Satrou looks over at her and smiles, causing her to hide into you further. By then, you noticed Satoru didn’t bring his blindfold. He brought his glasses instead so you could see the glimpses of his eyes. As soon Mayumi caught a glimpse of his eyes, she started getting uncomfortable and whining. You’re worried as you try to calm her down but nothing works. Then Toji comes in with the pitcher of water you asked for and she makes grabby hands at him. Your husband takes her in his arms and she points at Satoru while sniffling, making everyone, including you curious.

“What’s wrong this time, Mayumi?”

“Papa,” 

Points at Satoru

“White monster…big blue eyes and white teeth…that’s him…”

Everyone blinks a couple of times except for Toji who has his dastardly grin. Then the silence is broken by Suguru’s cackling followed by Haibara bursting out in laughter. Now you understand why Toji wasn’t so concerned about last night because he knew what Mayumi was talking about. The monster was random, she had a nightmare about Satoru. Nanami smirks while Yaga and Shoko chuckle at this. The only ones who weren’t anything were You and Satoru. You because you’re just shaking your head at Suguru, Toji, and Haibara. While Satoru looked like a hurt puppy that was kicked. You tried to comfort your unofficial oldest child but he just stayed hurt. He let out a sigh when he and your daughter made brief eye-contact before she hid herself in Toji, causing him to bark out in laughter. His laugh joined in with the other two. 

Toji calms down a bit before comforting Mayumi.

“Princess, that’s just Gojo. He’s not a scary monster, see? He’s harmless.”

Mayumi looks at Satoru before looking at you then Toji. She shakes her head at Toji causing him to chuckle. Mayumi says bye to everyone as she leaves the room with Toji. But Suguru wouldn’t stop teasing Satoru about it and it’s an inside joke everyone is in on.

So that’s why Satoru always wears his blindfold on because he doesn’t want to make Mayumi cry. As she gets older, she gets over it and funny enough doesn’t remember this event. No matter how much anyone brings it up, she can’t fully remember any of it. But their relationship gets better later on.

Though Mayumi’s humble, she’s spoiled. By you, Toji, Tsumiki, Megumi, your family, even Suguru and Satoru, specifically Satoru. Mayumi gets an allowance of 38,948 yen(which is roughly equivalent to $250 US dollars) from Satoru every month, and that’s not including holidays and birthdays. Toji and Satoru are fighting each other on who’s better at spoiling her to which you have to calm them down because it shouldn’t be a big deal.

Mayumi gets all sad and pouty when Megumi has to live on campus but Megumi promises to call frequently or visit once a week for her. Megumi gives her his old plushies of his twin dogs, telling her to hug them when she feels like missing him. Because of that, she is overly attached to them. She sleeps with them, goes to the bathroom with them, brings them outside to the garden, goes out, they come with her everywhere she goes.

Megumi hangs a drawing she made of him and Mayumi with his dogs in his dorm room. Also has a picture frame of him and her on his desk too.

When Megumi brings Yuuji and Nobara over, they always want to play with her. Nobara dresses her up while Yuuji shadow boxes with her. When they come over to sleep over, it’s twice the fun. Yuuji and Nobara get bummed out when it’s her bedtime but they remember they see her in the morning so it’s all good.

They also help Megumi watch and babysit her when you and Toji are out on a date/outing. It’s chaotic but it’s fun.

Toji and Megumi will be irritated and annoyed when someone, other than you and Tsumiki, asks them for anything Gojo. But once Mayumi starts asking for things, they won’t even bat an eye. She is spoiled by both her grumpy older brother and menacing father. One time you came home to see your daughter gleefully smiling at you, holding her plushie tightly as she told you about what she did with Toji and Megumi. Then you look over to see your son and husband wearing bows on their heads and had sanrio stickers all over them.

Mayumi’s such a bubbly and happy child that it’s like looking straight at the sun. Of course, she takes after you mostly both in personality and physical traits. It’s not until she’s in teens when Toji’s traits start revealing themselves in her.

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[kwamiwayzz]

Do you have any jeckole Headcanons?

Or:

Jecka Headcanons/Nicole Headcanons (seperatly)

<33

Brain rot coming in. I also want to mention that a majority of these headcanons are rooted in my “Jeckole moving away after graduation and eventually healing years later despite still being a bit fucked up” headcanon. Some headcanons are also inspired by the ones from people who were once super active in the fandom months ago.

Jecka ends up getting accepted to a university in California which leads to her ticket out of her shitty town (she starts with Undecided for some time but ends up choosing pre-med to eventually become a doctor).

Nicole ends up tagging along with her out of convenience at first (she was a bit hesitant at first because she knows she’ll probably bring Jecka down whatever bullshit she gets herself into, but it beats being alone). She also ends up moving out with Jecka because LA is where she’s wanted to go for some time. Also, her mom was actually planning on kicking her out for good (even though her loser brother still gets to freeload).

I personally see Nicole as someone who suffers from extreme depression and self-worth issues due to her upbringing and is more on the cusp of having ASPD (but also, I’m still learning about ASPD, so correct me if it doesn’t work that way).

Jecka has the capability of becoming as fucked up and abusive as her dad. I mostly say this from the scene in Flip Side where she yells at Crispin telling him to off himself, unprovoked.

I also see Jecka as a potential alcoholic with anger issues (if she stayed with her dad any further).

Nicole has a form of cPTSD from her unstable environment and the implication that one of her stepfathers abused her. Even if she were to be placed in a stable environment after high school, the damage has already been done, and she’d still find ways to fuck it up because she every time she felt genuinely a little happy/satisfied with her living situation, it would disappear in puff of smoke.

Nicole ends up on meds and therapy years after moving out of Virginia, but it’s off-and-on.

Jecka also goes on meds and therapy after having a mental breakdown in med school and also after shoving Nicole against a book case during one of their arguments (she’s more consistent with it than Nicole).

During their time living in LA together, Nicole goes homeless three separate times, with one of them being her getting kicked out after Jecka finally had enough of her shit. The last time Nicole goes homeless, it’s after having an extremely difficult time adjusting to the meds and therapy and her cPTSD makes her want to leave because actual stability was getting too real for her.

Despite kicking her out for her bullshit, Jecka still lets Nicole live with her because she’s still codependent on her. Nicole is one of the few people she can be her fucked up self around, and also asked her to come to LA because she didn’t want to be alone either.

Nicole is 1/4 Asian on her dad’s side.

Following Progman’s fic, Jecka sees herself as Nicole’s savior but not entirely in an “I can fix her” type of way.

The only people from high school they still keep in touch with is Emily, with Kelly and Ari added after meeting again at a bar a decade later.

Even though Jecka’s doctor money keeps them both afloat, Nicole ends up working at a bar as a consistent job just to keep herself busy.

The only person from Jecka’s family that she keeps in touch with is her mom. She stays in contact with her dad for financial reasons, but cuts him off after she doesn’t need him anymore.

Nicole cuts off everyone from her family.

Nicole ends up getting sleeve tattoos after being sober from cutting for a significant period of time (I don’t know what the designs would be though).

aurawra21 also mentioned this, but Nicole would probably lean more towards a masc/butch look years after high school. This would include chopping her hair to shoulder length.

I also agree with the general headcanon that Jecka would have abs and have a more toned body compared to Nicole’s stick noodle-like figure.

Nicole would be the type to throw Jecka’s textbook out the window to force her to take a break while studying for med school.

Nicole is a secret nerd/geek (knowing that manga should be read from right to left, liking Mythbusters, used to play video games with her brother—all mentioned somewhere in the original game and Re-Up).

If she cared about school more, Nicole’s favorite subject would probably be chemistry.

Jecka sometimes gets very overprotective over Nicole especially after 1) getting shot by the crazy cop (Re-Up), 2) having nightmares of running to Nicole too late during the People Pleaser Route (Class of ‘09 Suicide Ending), 3) finding out Nicole overdosed/got poisoned by opioids during the very last time she went homeless (Future Timeline headcanon).

I sometimes see Jecka as a pretty neurotic person, who tries and fails to hide it.

When really affectionate, Jecka really loves to kiss Nicole’s neck (angsty reasons in one of my original posts lol).

The two simultaneously make each other better and worse.

They enter an off-and-on situationship for a number of years until they decide to get court married for the benefits.

They wear fake marriage rings when out in public in an effort to try and ward off desperate men. It doesn’t always work, but they’ll never admit to each other that they actually do like wearing them.

Aaaannnddd these are the most that I’ve remembered at the top of my head. I might add more as time goes on, but I love the idea of them reaching adulthood and becoming somewhat more well-adjusted over time.

[jazzyquarterblugs]

𝐏𝐏𝐓𝐉: 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐀𝐋𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒

Time to show ya'll the Altercanons for The Smiling Critters!! :D

(I have already looong posted them on my twitter but again for the Tumblr peeps I will post them here! :3)

From Oldest to Youngest!

Enjoy!

Bubba Bubbaphant!

The smart and probably the most mentally stable one out of the bunch (more on that later-) being the oldest isn't really easy when you've got 7 younger friends most of which love to go on rowdy fun adventures, nonetheless he is always with them every step of the way whenever he can! (Mostly because he needs to keep them from accidentally getting themselves killed 💀)

His Talent

Bubba is capable of creating balls of light and is able to change the intesity of light sources around him, in combat he can create lightbulb shaped items and throw them at to flashbang opponents, disorienting them and giving him the advantage, though this uses up his own energy and so he needs to think carefully about how many he creates, or else he will likely pass out.

KickinChicken!

The self-proclaimed cool guy of the critters. An daredevil who's always put looking for ways to have a lil fun, all the while making Bubba slowly lose his patience 😅 even though he may come off as an arrogant jerk to others, Kickin actually cares a lot about his friends and others more than he likes to admit! Just don't get on his nerves or he will make your life a living hell whenever given the chance!

His Talent

He can whip out three items of his choosing, whether it'd be a simple screwdriver or a flat out atomic bomb, all of which seem to follow a common theme 💀 though he is only lmited to three wishes and after using them all up he'd have to wait for an one hour cooldown before he can create more items again.

CatNap!

Not a very talkative critter, neither is he really stable in ANY WAY to begin with, he went suddenly missing once for 3 whole weeks and came back never the same, for 9 whole months has he never ate, drank or even slept, and it's only a matter of time before one day he finally collapses in on himself...

His...Talent???...

He is able create sleep-inducing red smoke, making whoever is nearby inhale it and fall into a Deep Sleep... (it doesn't kill them dn)

DogDay!

The leader of The Smiling Critters! And CatNap's best friend! This lovely sunshine is always ready for an adventure and bring a smile to everyone's faces no matter who they are! He is always standing up for what's right, willing to put his friends before himself.

His Talent?

His body glows a range of red to yellow whenever experiencing intense emotions, the hue and the temperature of his body depending on how intense the feeling is, if it is too intense his body is capable of burning the skin off of anybody who attempts to touch him.

PickyPiggy!

The nature-loving and diet obsessed one of the group, she absolutely loves the wonders of mother nature, even owning an vegetable garden herself! She loves to eat but always makes sure she stays healthy when doing so! Though sometimes she is so entranced by eating food that she often forgets to keep up with the others and finds herself confused, she always feels like she has an reputation to uphold considering her father is a well-known cook in Critterville, to make things even less easy she has 12 younger brothers to take care of!

Her Talent

She is able to take and storage items within an infinite pocket dimension like a personal inventory in her pockets, though she needs to have actualy pockets for this to work, luckily she knows how to sew!

Hoppy Hopscotch!

The physically active one of the group! And DogDay's beloved little sister! This rambunctious lil rabbit is willing to take on a challenge if it means having fun! Though she is really accident prone so she often gets herself hurt! (Pretty frequently actually-) but even so she doesn't know how to back down! While impatient and loud, she is happy to protect her friends from danger!

CraftyCorn!

The shy and soft-spoken one! She's pretty timid but has an incredible creative side to her! She loves to create all kinds of art but most specifically loves to draw! Even though she may not have had the best first start of her life, but after moving into Bubba's home and becoming part of The Smiling Critters, she realizes she feels right at home.

Her Talent

She is able to mend and shape paint however and whatever she wants it to be! Whether it is colorful wings of freedom or another way to paint, she needs to have paint at her disposal though.

She is also capable of magic of her own! But due to her previous living conditions she was never able to tap into her gift and discover the wonders of unicorn magic all that much, though luckily Bubba has enrolled her to equestrian classes to help her with that problem! <)

Bobby Bearhug!

The sweetest and youngest one out of the group! She was found alone outside near the Critters' treehouse, ever since then Bubba has taken her under his wing and has been taking care of her since, it is unknown what happened to her parents it has been assumed that they had just abandoned her.

Her Talent

She is able to sense the true intentions of a person's heart, helping her know who is worthy of trust or not, she is also able to sense the emotions of an individual though this can be physically and even mentally exhausting, making her needing to take frequent naps to gain her energy back.

Aaaand that is all I have for today!

I hoped you enjoy these Altercanons and if you have any questions regarding them or this AU feel free to ask in my ask box! :3

(repeat users are okay btw!)

[jnnul]

lowkey

gif credit: @chwerity

genre: FLUFF, action if you count the amount of running they do 😭, jaemin being stupid <3

word count: 0.8k

type: drabble

a/n: hehe welcome to my first official post! i guess the other two were just timestamps to kinda get a feel for tumblr lol. let me know what you guys think! the comments/reblog tags are so cute and i keep rereading them <3

+++

you had never expected that you would spend your friday night running away from daily mail.

quite frankly, you didn’t expect that you would be running at all on a friday night, much less from tabloids. you prided yourself on how lowkey you lived your life. you made few, but diehard, friends. you had no enemies. you had a well-paying, stable job and you were working towards buying your own apartment soon. but for all of your attempts to stay absolutely average, your superstar boyfriend had to go become famous and propel you to stardom with him.

“oh my god, jaemin, if i have to work out every time we go on a date, i’m literally never seeing you in person again,” you gasp as your boyfriend tugs on your arm to make you run faster - as if that would mean that you would lose your paparazzi trail.

you still don’t know how you ended up like this in the first place. pulling na jaemin, the center of nct dream, was a small miracle in itself. but regardless, you were well seasoned veterans of the dating scheme now. after dating for three years, the two of you were really good at hiding from the public about your relationship.

it definitely helped that you were a run of the mill citizen (as opposed to, say, a world renowned singer) and the fact that jaemin was a homebody until he died so being in this situation was a little foreign to you. you weren’t sure if you had gotten into a scare like this since the first two months that you and jaemin were dating.

“i thought we would be safe in fucking london!” jaemin hisses back as the two of you weave in and out of the stumbling bodies exiting suspicious looking clubs. “it’s two in the morning and people still recognized me wearing a sweatshirt, mask, and sunglasses.”

you stop in your tracks at that, gaping at jaemin’s ‘foolproof’ disguise. the sweatshirt he mentioned? neon green. you mentally face-palm as the two of you start running again, hearing the incoming mob of people.

they definitely had done this before, you think. you were way too tired and they looked like keep tailing the two of you for another couple hours for sure.

“you cannot tell me that the sweatshirt the color of a traffic suit was your way of escaping paparazzi,” you deadpan. looking back on it, the last couple years worth of dates were done where you were both wearing clothes that were almost at the level of national espionage.

you and jaemin would always wear varying shades of black and the two of you would always choose the most hole in the wall places you could find - or some of the industry safe places, such as the locations in itaewon, where you could easily blend with the foreigners. even some of the veterans of the industry were known for letting idols into their establishments in discrete ways so that everyone could act normally for a few hours.

the two of you had gotten careless this time. thinking you would be safe due to the far away location, as well as the late timing, you had grown lax and comfortable due to the lack of scandals for the past few years. rookie mistake.

“this way! if we get off of peter street, we should be able to dodge the tabloids,” you stage whisper, tugging your boyfriend so that he would be by your side as the two of you dash into the nearest adjacent street that you can.

you’re affectively pressed up against jaemin’s chest as you rest your head against the crook of his neck, trying to conceal both of your faces so that you look like any other drunk and enamored couple. you would tell jaemin to take off that stupid neon green sweatshirt but the space to move is a luxury you haven’t been awarded. 

you and jaemin hold your breaths, hoping that the less noise you make, the less the gods are compelled to send the tabloids your way. it seems your vehement prayers (and perhaps the fact that the alleyway was so dark, it muted jaemin’s sweatshirt color) have paid off because the mob that was following you run right past the alleyway you’re hiding in in a cacophony of “this way!” and “we’re gonna make front page!” that lets you know that you’ve successfully escape them. 

the two of you shimmy out of the alley when you’re positive there’s no one left and breathe in the air that was much too hard to breath in the cramped alleyway.

you look at jaemin, who’s already looking at you with a stupid grin on his face as he presses a kiss against your cheek.

“so much for lowkey, huh?”

“na jaemin, i swear to fucking god, if you don’t throw out that sweatshirt right now, i’m breaking up with you!”

“but...but it’s the nct dream sweatshirt.”

“...i’m gonna kill jeno.”

[your-queer-dad]

hey dad

I have something of a long-winded rant; don’t feel like you have to respond, I just needed to tell someone

so I’m the “therapist friend”, and people come to me to talk about their problems all the time. Within the last few hours I’ve had two separate people vent to me, and I’m happy to listen. Except right now I’m going through a kind of tough time and I’m trying hard not to relapse into sh after being clean for almost three months. Hearing about everyone else’s problems really doesn’t help. I’ve set alarms to check my notifications during the night ever since I woke up to an ominous text and then couldn’t get a response all day, and every conversation I have with my friends turns into me comforting them. These are also really my only close friends, so it’s not like I have any other healthy relationships. I keep breaking down every time I’m alone and having anxiety attacks and worrying about food/starving myself and disassociating and biting my fingernails raw and snapping at people and my sleep schedule is getting messed-up, which are all signs that signs are getting worse for me. But if I tell them that I don’t have the energy to listen, then I’m almost certain something terrible will happen. These people have absolutely nobody else they can talk to, unsupportive family, and are even less emotionally stable than I am. For a while, there’s been a cycle: they unload stress onto me, they apologize for it, I assure them that I’m happy to help and thank them for sharing with me, and I relieve the stress through unhealthy coping mechanisms that they don’t know about. But recently I’ve cleaned myself up after contacting a hotline and I don’t want to go back to how it was before. I deeply care about these people, and I want to continue to be there for them, but if my mental state worsens, I won’t be able to support them at all. It seems like I’m the most stable person in my life, and I’m far from being that. It’s hard for me to seek help (and even though I’ve experienced symptoms of severe depression and anxiety for most of my life, I’ve never gotten help for it) because I feel like I’d be taking advantage of the person I’m telling, since that’s what people do to me. Honestly, the thing with my only friends constantly venting to me is just one of many minor things pushing me over the edge. It isn’t that big of a deal, but right now it is overwhelming me. My life is actually relatively uncomplicated and I have a lot of privilege; I just don’t know how to cope with the few problems I have experienced. I just don’t know what to do, and I’m a minor so there’s not much I can do, and I don’t have anyone else to talk to, especially since I came out to my mother as queer a week ago and I’m even more distant from her. This is the first person, besides the 988 operator in April, who I’ve told about any of my issues. My apologies about how long that was—I didn’t mean to write an entire essay, but now I’m not sure what parts to delete. Thanks for listening. I hope you’re doing well and we all really appreciate you, dad

—Gray

Hey kiddo, I am so sorry. That is so much for even an adult to deal with, let alone a person your age. If they are causing you stress like that, my dear , they aren't healthy relationships. You are as worthy of care, time and compassion as anyone you help. If you don't take care of yourself then you will crash and burn and that will hurt more than you asking for some space and putting in boundaries. I beg you to take care of yourself and say no. Redirect them to me, I'll listen and help but please don't let yourself reach crisis point over helping others.

- dad x

[eden-transcendental-youth]

good things!!!!!

so i came out pretty much exactly a year ago and it truly boggles my mind just how much has changed in that time. i barely feel like the same person anymore - it's like he was a bad dream that i've finally woken up from and get to live my life now.

my relationship with my family is worse. but i have friends again, something i barely had a year ago after leaving my old workplace. found family is so amazing and my friends and loved ones mean so much to me. christmas this year showed me that in such a huge way. i have more capacity in me for love than i ever knew or realised, and I'm overjoyed to be able to share the love inside me with the people around me.

it's been a year of healing for me in a lot of ways. not only recovering from and coming to understand the full impact my dysphoria and dissociative issues had on my mental health, and accepting that i have really severe anxiety issues, but also healing in other ways. i no longer work in a place that made me so depressed i basically chainsmoked, i've actively taken steps to improve my screen addiction and entirely removed nicotine from my life. the few times I've smoked a cigarette in the last year i've stopped halfway through and just not been interested anymore? i barely drink alcohol anymore except when i genuinely want to have a drink with friends, and even then i don't feel any kind of compulsion to get blackout drunk like i used to. i've started therapy and started to try and unpack and work through issues i've been repressing and letting fester for years. i've become better at communication and recognising my emotional needs. i've accepted that i'm neurodiverse and now i put a lot of effort into accommodating myself, letting myself stim, trying to unmask more, finding strategies to help me to work through mental blocks and to help me to be productive without getting overwhelmed.

i have a haircare and skincare routine, i've had laser to help with my dysphoria, been officially diagnosed with gender dysphoria and spent over a year now on hormones. i have a much better idea of what clothes i want to wear and suit me. i'm interested in clothes as a means of self-expression now, not just as functional items to cover my body. i got three more tattoos and began to be comfortable enough with my body to take nudes and recognise that i'm fucking sexy as hell. i have a good job, a stable job, and even though i'd realistically like to work less, it's a supportive working environment with accommodating colleagues and a number of other major perks.

i spent so much of 2024 healing. and now i get to live a better life than i ever thought possible even only twelve months ago. i have so much that i want to do that my main problem now is being spread too thin between the things i want to do!

adie and i will be celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary in april, which is insane. that feels like yesterday and i love them now just as much as then. to be loved is to be changed and the two of us are completely unrecognisable from the two people that first met five years ago and fell so unexpectedly and deeply in love.

i have my first boyfriend (!) and if you haven't noticed, i'm completely head over heels smitten. i'm so excited to see where our relationship goes and how it develops, what things become ours, and who we continue to become as a part of this. we've developed such an amazing emotional connection already and i'm positive that we can only grow from here.

i have new hobbies i love that i do with my friends now. i've tried roller skating, i embroider and mod my clothes, i'm playing music in a band for the first time in eight(!) years, i'm writing again, i still do woodcarving, and i'm cooking as often as i can now we have the new cooker, which has reignited my love for baking bread and cooking all kinds of fun things. more than ever before though, these are social activities for me now. i do things with my friends. and i have more friends than i have in a long time and more emotional space to spend time with them than ever before.

i know who i am better than i ever have in the last twenty three years of my life. my problems still exist, but they're worth fixing now. everything has changed so much and so much of it has been for the better that the bad parts don't affect me anything close to how much they used to. letting myself be the person i want to be, do the things i want to do, and learning about what it is that i want and need has changed me more than anything. i'm finally letting myself eat the nice chocolate, and god, it is delicious. i'm so grateful for the people that have shown me that i deserve to be happy and deserve to make myself happy. i love you all so much.

i love my life, I love my friends, and i'm learning, slowly but surely, to love myself.

[tayloralisonswift]

i saw your post from like 15 minutes ago and i wanted to ask, are you comfortable with people online asking about your experiences with bipolar/mental health in general? usually i'm too afraid to ask about sensitive subjects, but i guess if i ask then it's totally your choice whether or not to answer

and if you're comfortable, what is your current experience like? what info would you tell someone who wants to be a better friend to you?

rooting for you and sending love always <3

hi love! this is a VERY long post, apologies in advance and thank you for asking.

you said it perfectly, because yes i am comfortable answering questions (part of my post last night was encouraging it), but also if i'm ever not comfortable with a question i can choose not to answer. if asked kindly/in good faith, i don't see anything wrong with a person asking. it means a lot that someone cares enough to ask!

disclaimer: this is my experience with my bipolar. other people will have other experiences, and you can ask them!

so i have this fun form of bipolar called "rapid cycling", and i am currently cycling faster than my psychiatrist is used to seeing (i got a good grade in bipolar, something that is normal to want and possible to achieve.) rapid cycling involves undulating between states (you've got mania, depression, stasis/stability, and mixed states - which are what they sound like, a mixture of depressive and manic symptoms.) because i'm currently in the midst of med changes that won't take effect for at least another month, my mood disorder is pretty much on its own to fend for itself, and like i said, it's cycling quickly right now. usually, like in the past two years, i'll cycle like a month or two depressed, a week or two days stable, three to four weeks manic, repeat. right now it's like, three days of mania one week of depression three days of mania, repeat. this is very hard to manage because i have to try and take care of myself with very little preparation for dips or highs.

for me, depressive episodes look like physical exhaustion (i take multiple naps throughout the day and need to go back to bed within an hour or two of being awake), ruminating about self loathing, and i get this fog where like, it's hard to smile. and even if in my head i'm smiling it's hard to get it to happen on my face. (like the other night, my mom was doing silly dances to try to and make me smile and i just. couldn't do it for a solid 20 minutes.) when i'm very low, this happens on steroids and it's hard to move my body even as i'm yelling at it to in my head. i usually just lay on the floor most of those days.

my manic episodes look like spendingspendingspending. i won't give the amount, but when i told my new psychiatrist about the most i've ever spent in one week, she said, "that's mania if i've ever heard of it". (i got another good grade in having bipolar, something that is normal to want and possible to achieve!) mania also involves lots of fast movement. my body has to be moving at all times. even more so, my mouth has to be moving at all times. i talk very, very quickly, and very, very extensively. my family members have to warn me that i'm talking so fast they don't understand what i'm saying. but my thoughts are going at the speed of light so i gotta relay them that quickly. mania looks like lots of risky and self destructive behaviors - excessive drinking, smoking, risky sex - all of those can be mania. a manic episode is not just one 'bad' or impulsive decision, and it's not happy. i also decide i'm going to do a bunch of big huge things in a short amount of time - if i ever say "ok i'm FINALLY writing a poetry book and i'm doing it this week" honestly i'm manic.

a mixed episode is the most dangerous, and it's the one doctors are most concerned about, because you have the energy and motivation to do something and you have the depressive thoughts that tell you to do something bad. this is where ideation thrives. it's very scary to be in that.

and i want to emphasize that, for me at least, i can often figure out when i'm in one of these episodes. it takes work but most of us are self aware enough to recognize it. that doesn't make an episode less powerful, but we aren't infants who don't understand our disorder.

i think the most important thing you can do for a friend with bipolar is ask them about their experience and listen. everyone is different - this is just my experience, and really the only thing you'll find that sums up all of our experiences is the DSM5 (and even that can be lacking in nuance) - and everyone needs different things. right now, the depressive moments are much stronger than the other ones, and things like reassurance and reminders that people care really help me (like this ask!) when i'm manic, a loving "slow down" does help me.

i know this was super long but like i said last night, no one ever asks. so i really appreciate you asking and giving me the space to answer. <3 <3 <3 <3

[castleofcuntdracula]

So I've been watching The Great (shout-out to @just-a-silly-little-guy for dragging me into it!) And watching hoult playing a guy obsessed with his baby is making me really want postcanon Renbecca babies. Not to be comphet about this but I DO love fankids and babies ever after... and I think it would be something he'd genuinely want? There's happy families on his vision board, and we know how much he regrets his failure as a father. Ramblings under the cut.

I think it would be a big step forward in his recovery, too- being stable enough, financially and mentally, to even consider having another kid. And I think Rebecca has considered it before, but never seriously- she doesn't have a mom, so it would probably be difficult for her to picture being one.

Once they're committed and have their shit a bit more together, I think she'd agree to it- and then they'd be on WILDLY different pages for a hot sec, because "starting a family" for Rebecca means 2.5 kids and a dog, and for Robert it means "I sure do miss hanging out with my sister and her THREE BACK TO BACK SETS OF TWINS". It's hilarious to me. She'd ask how many he's thinking about and he's like "Well, I know birthrates have fallen significantly since I was last married 🤔 so probably not more than five?"

They agree to one-maybe-two. The first pregnancy absolutely blows his mind because the sheer amount of progress that's been made in prenatal care. He'd 100% cry his eyes out at the first sonogram because he's just awed that you can SEE into the womb. He'd be taking this blurry incomprehensible black and white picture everywhere, showing it to everyone he knows like "🥹 that's our baby..." and his friends are like "that's great man, it looks like a bean."

It would also basically give him another anxiety disorder. There's been a lot of advances in maternal health since the 1920s, and his ex wife probably smoked a pack a day and drank while pregnant, because nobody knew that you shouldn't do that yet! Rebecca has to confiscate his phone so he doesn't go on Instagram and get himself hysterical over her eating pepperoni on pizza or candies with food dye. On the plus side, she will DEFINITELY have prenatal vitamins just completely on. Lock. (He brings them to her on a little china plate). The fretfulness would definitely bother her- it's not like she's suddenly made of glass! But he'd make up for it by being equally indulgent of her the entire time.

I think he'd be incredibly happy to have kids in the modern world, too- there's so much less they have to worry about in terms of disease and dangers, and they'll get to go to school all the way to 18, no matter what! If they have another daughter, she'll be able to do anything- she could be a doctor or an astronaut or even the president! Can her nursery be space or medicine or government themed?

All of his ideas for baby names are horribly outdated and all of Rebecca's are from a list she made when she was 14 and daydreaming about marrying one of the boys from supernatural, so they're out of luck there for a while- she doesn't want to name her baby Agatha or Eustace, but she also doesn't want to explain why they can't name it "Castiel".

I also don't think Rebecca would like being pregnant much- she likes that you get a baby at the end, and it's an exciting time for anyone, but that's hard to keep in mind when the little snot is kickboxing your organs all night. And she really wouldn't enjoy the way it alters/reduces her mobility, especially in the second half- she's pretty much five foot nothing and the average newborn is a third of that, let alone Renny's NBA all stars "one week old in 3mo clothes" sproglets. At one of the scans, the ultrasound tech says their baby "looks like they're gonna be tall! :)" and Rebecca just GLARES at him because she has to haul the kid around for another few months still.

They have a little girl and are both instantly besotted. Never shut up about her, total first time (for Rebecca at least) parent madness where the baby blinks in a new way and they both burst into tears of joy and grab the cameras. Robert having been on the night shift for a century means he's very useful in the newborn phase- he's sleep deprived anyway, waking up every two hours for feeds is nothing compared to a week stalking the streets all night for victims.

He'd probably be the stay at home parent, given that he doesn't legally exist- he's the absolute talk of the town at daycare dropoff and has to go full wife guy to defend his honour. This means that everyone at baby sensory and what have you had a fantastic impression of Rebecca before they meet her, because he can't stop gushing about how cool she is after he's started.

Rebecca is more neurotic than she'd expected about babies, and it causes her a lot of stress at first- she's the youngest sibling, so she has very little experience with them, and her daughter is so tiny and fragile and squishy! She gets better about it once baby is a bit less wispy looking and newborn-lanky, which I think would happen by 2-3 months. Kiddo has a lot of growing to do, and consequently gets delightfully chubby before shooting up like a weed as a toddler. Neither of them want to put her down EVER, to the point where she takes a little longer than average to be crawling and walking because she can only make it a few feet before someone scoops her up and transports her expeditiously to her destination.

Baby two is a couple years after the first, once they're confident that they can get a kid to running-around age without completely fucking up. Her older sister, thanks to the accidental attachment parenting from the sheer amount of snuggling and carrying, would be confident to the point of being slightly feral. By the time baby 2 is old enough to play with her the dynamic is very much as so:

They're smart on their own, but get them both in a room at the same time and their collective IQ is halved and someone ends up with their arm jammed to the elbow in the VCR tape slot.

Despite this, Robert manages to beg and plead his way into one (1) more, just one, this is the last one he P R O M I S E S, three is lots!

They have twins.

[the80srewinders]

Unfortunately, I will be leaving Tumblr indefinitely. I have been receiving too much hate and criticism, but today it crossed the line.

I have struggled now more than ever with my mental health severely, and Tumblr makes my mental health worse. Mostly bc I have no self control and cant stay away from triggers. I have a severe self sabotage streak. I'm addicted to self sabotage and can't stop. No matter how much pain it puts me in.

When we started on tumblr it was our safe space w no hate. But as soon as we started gaining traction, we got more criticism than nice comments. We were always making a mistake it seemed- which growing up "never doing anything right" made some old trauma resurface. I've had flashbacks to trauma I had forgot even happened, trauma that makes me feel unsafe, frightened, and sometimes angry. I've cried in public and tried to hide it because of the flashbacks. I've longed for a hero all over again when I'm not being abused near as badly as I was years ago when I'm having the flashbacks to. Yet I'm mentally just as bad as I was then, with every mental health symptom I had back then and haven't had since coming back. I'm just as toxic to others as I was back then.

I have felt like I'm a failure, worthless, dumb, self centered, not valid, faking, and even an abuser- all these same things I felt before I was even allowed on the internet. I'm feeling them just as severe as I was then.

And the ask about the AI thing really set me over the edge. normally I wouldn't be so harsh over it, but I was sent criticism even after turning off anons and that's what made me even more in crisis completely. I couldn't handle anymore and that pushed me over the edge. Irl our life is rough and has been for the past three months with nonstop criticism and callouts for just existing. We come on social media to escape that, and now were being around negativity 24/7 online and offline. makes me feel even more depressed and like I deserve this because there's no escape from being harassed even online and I have to deal w the same things online I suffer with offline and go online to escape from.

The person who sent the ask criticizing my use of ai to make just one funny picture blocked me. I called them out nicely, they had no reason. They are immature and idc if you send them asks calling them out. You can send as many with cussing and wtv to them, they deserve it atp because I actually self harmed over it and have planned suicide now, not fully bc of them it is pushed me over the edge.

Now, an old friend who I called out for being a very toxic person is sending me asks telling me she's gonna expose me for faking disorders, but today it crossed the line because she sent the n word many times, exposed my real name with a threat that people are gonna find and kill me, and called my friends in the classic rock community here sluts. Below is the screenshots of what she sent, major trigger warning.

my mental health can't handle this. I'll never be stable as long as I have to deal with this. I am going to leave all my blogs except the KLOL fan page, if anyone wants to follow me do it there. And I will be turning off asks for the fan page.

I am dissociating so much I have really bad amnesia of my days and am a walking disaster. I'm so forgetful I'm messing up on important things IRL and it could end in me getting hurt or killed by accident, I'm like a walking dead zombie. this hate doesn't help, and tbh tumblr is a harsh and unhealthy place so I am leaving all my accs except the KLOL fan page.

I'm sorry guys. I just can't live like this.

[izzy-b-hands]

15 QUESTIONS FOR 15 FRIENDS

Tagged by @sherlockig, thank u Alexz!!

Under the cut bc I got wordy and rambly as per usual lol.

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Kind of? In that I more or less named myself after Izzy from our flag lol. Not that I'm going to tell everyone I meet that, but it is a big part of why I stuck with it after trying it out (that, and I've always wanted a name that had the letter zed in it, silly as that may seem.)

One of my middle names (that I had been using as a first name for a few years) is after my grandfather and aunt who also have that name as their middle name.

My deadname was after an actress famous in the 90s (tho tbh my mum apparently didn't choose it for that, she chose it bc she didn't find out my gender until I was Out and then was like 'aw fuck I don't have a name for this situation' and went with the first one she saw in a book of names a nurse gave her. It was only after that she remembered the actress when I was like. 4. that she changed and started telling ppl it was after that instead.)

And technically Holden is after the book character, but mum never actually read that book (and after I described it to her, said she has no interest in doing so lmao), she just liked how the name sounded and that was the one solitary name she for sure had on hand when I was born apparently. Could have saved us all time had she just used that one for me anyway!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Couple of nights ago. I'm doing better abt missing my cat Nisha, but my phone will toss up compilations of pics of her to mark the year/month/etc and sometimes those still get me. It popped up just before I went to bed that night and I was already so tired that I just. broke down. Bc I know she's v loved and looked after w/my mum, but I do miss her goofy lil self a lot. She was my first cat that was given to me and meant to be mine alone, and there's something abt that first pet bond I guess.

3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Nope, and it's not a likely thing for me. I've said before that that happening would be in a very specific situation, wherein I'm with someone who wants to dedicate the rest of our lives to raising a child, or god forbid more than one, tho I think I'd max out at two if I managed one at all tbh (and that's not even getting into the very complex for me thing of would I want to actually be pregnant ever (probably not, absolutely terrified of dying in childbirth and don't see myself getting over that easily), we have the funds to make that happen (and give the kid a good life, not just a decent one or 'could have been worse' like my own), and we feel stable mentally, emotionally, and physically (as much as one can outside of Life Happening of course) bc having a kid means putting allll of that first for them, ahead of yourself. Or at least I think it should mean that lol.

But that situation is incredibly unlikely considering my bigger goal in life is to wind up being a third for multiple couples while also fucking any of my friends who are down for it in a big poly ENM sort of thing for lack of better/more detailed definition (I know it sounds unrealistic and maybe it is to a degree, almost definitely is lol.)

I can admit I just. don't want to uproot the life I've been trying so hard to build for myself in so many ways, to have kids. I'll happily help babysit the kids of any friends tho and be the fun uncle that buys them junk food and lets them stay up late to watch movies. I think that's about the level of parenting of any kind that I can handle for now (also tbh I burned out on parenting bc my family admits they parentified the fuck outta me with my three younger cousins. It by far could have been worse, but I spent my teens spending most of my days after school helping look after them from the newborn years and on. Unless my above uber specific scenario happens, then I've probably had my fill of parenting for my lifetime.)

4. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?

I played volleyball for a few years in elementary school, and we were made to participate in a multi-school track and field thing for most of middle school every year, but I was never amazing at them. Housemate and I have figured out I likely have undiagnosed asthma tho (turns out running or going out in too cold or hot weather shouldn't instantly make you gasp, struggle to breathe, and make you taste iron in your mouth, who the fuck knew? Not me, genuinely) so I think that might have a lot to do with it.

I also enjoy tennis and badminton and would love to try rugby, but I've never played any of those beyond a hobby with family/friends.

5. DO YOU USE SARCASM?

I do! Probably too much and not always in the best situations, but I've been working for years to hone when and where it should be used so I think/hope I'm a lot better with it than I was when I was younger. Tho even then, I did get adults who found it funny when I was sarcastic bc of how adult I seemed to a lot of them (their words, not mine lmao.)

6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

I genuinely don't know. Usually I'm too busy running my script for meeting new ppl in my head and trying to maintain Common and Expected Etiquette to really notice much right away. I have found that after a bit of time/after the initial meeting has passed, I tend to notice colours ppl wear more often than others if I see them often enough, or hair colour. But I don't know if it counts towards this question at that point lol.

7. WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR?

Kinda blueish grey? Some ppl say it's too grey to be blue, others that it's too blue to be grey. I had a lady at the ND DOT freak out abt not being sure if I should have blue or grey on my ID a few years back, and she finally just told me to put blue so 'she could stop feeling so confused.' Was a weird day and the first time I realised apparently they really do have a blend of both colours, enough for it to be upsetting lmao.

8. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

I can't choose between the two; I like both! I also like mixing them together when I write (a scary story with a happy ending, an ending that seems happy but is actually terrifying, so on and so forth.)

9. ANY TALENTS?

Writing? Maybe, I always list it bc it's something I know how to do and to (usually) do decently well. I can sort of draw? But not well enough that I think 'talented' would be accurate to describe how I draw lol. I'm not sure of anything else off the top of my head tbh.

10. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

In California, USA! We were there bc dad was in basic training for the Marines and then just got stuck at Camp Pendleton for years lmao (or that's how he always talks abt it anyway lmao.) Only was actually there until either: a. I was 3 months old, b. I was 6 months old or c. I was actually basically still a fresh newborn. Depends on whether you're talking to my dad, mum, or grandparents as to which answer you get, and at this point I'm genuinely uncertain as to exactly when mum left and took me to North Dakota but 6 months seems the most potentially accurate lmaooo.

11. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

Writing, drawing, reading (not enough but I'm trying to remedy that), napping, watching movies/fave shows, and giffing.

12. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?

Kind of? My cat Nisha had to stay in North Dakota after I moved, so my mum and her bf are looking after her now (and got her a little sister, a kitten who is getting so big already!, named Bella.) I help Housemate look after aer two cats as well, and I'd like to think the boys consider me like their fun uncle lol (aka I bend over backwards for them and let them steal my spot on the couch all the time, and will break out the treats if needed to corral them now and then. In my defense: they are the cutest lil baby boy cats and they deserve the world, even when they're being little gremlins lmao.)

13. HOW TALL ARE YOU?

Approximately somewhere between 5'3 and 5'4ish? I can't recall the last time I was actually measured, and most of the ppl I've been around were somewhere between those heights and I'm usually either slightly shorter or slightly taller than some of them, so??? I put 5'3 on my ID tho lol

14. FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?

English bc it was easy and I liked almost everything we did in that class. All my general and more specific history courses were a close second, and my foreign language classes a close third.

15. DREAM JOB?

Ideally, I'd love to not have to work. But who wouldn't, so that said, probably something in a library or museum. I'd love to be a library page again, or help work the front desk/docent duties of a museum. Working at someplace like Mystic Seaport would be amazing too; I'd be happy to learn how to help repair/repaint ships that come in or just help do tours or look after artifacts and stuff (tbh they could hire me just to type up any random data entry work they need done for any/all depts and I'd say yes to the job offer lol.) Unfortunately there's fairly significant roadblocks to me achieving any of these jobs rn, but I like to keep them in mind, just in case.

Also, if I can have one dream job that would be even more unlikely and is slightly TMI probably but: paid third for a rich couple. I show up, look nice, [redacted], make sure they're both good for the night, then go back home to Housemate (if it wouldn't be a night they'd want me to stay over, which I wouldn't be against but also. That would require some overtime pay lol.) The chances of this one are...so unlikely it's stupid funny, but a man's allowed to have dreams right lmao?

Tagging (if u guys wanna, no obligation if u don't wanna/have already been tagged/etc!!): @starmoonchildfromthebeamsabove, @freebooter4ever, @willowenigma, @turtleduck-tales, @mash1972, @mysteriouslybluepirate, @turtles-on-turts, @cononeillbreastingboobily, @treesofgreen, @dianetastesmetal, @arsenicflame, @gydima, @king-bussy, @p0ochy, @crvwly, and anyone else following me who wants to!

[elephant-in-the-pride-parade]

From the ✍️ more fic writer asks: questions 10, 14 and 23! :)

Thank you for the asks! Sorry the answer took a while!

From this post!

10. What is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it?

So in the last post i talked about my longest ongoing fic so this time i'll use the two ive finished that i let sit for a while.

Unbroken

Started Writing: June, 2018

Finished: April 2024

Total writing time: 5 years and 10 months

Longest Haitus: about 4 years, between finishing the first 3 or 4 chapters in 2018 and beginning posting in 2022.

A little about why I put it down and why I picked it back up: In the beginning it was a mediocre idea. I was extremely committed to it. excited about it. Basics, which I'd just watched for the first time in 15 years that year bothered me. so. much. all bark and no bite. I wanted it to feel like a realistic conflict, with all the pain and shock and strategic, accidental, and opportunistic cruelties that entails. And in some ways i also wanted an outlet to process some of the more horrific conflicts i had been learning about in class.

But I was a relatively inexperienced writer still. and i was nervous. I'd never written something so dark before. something that inflicted such non-canonical harm on a main character. GoT had just recently come under a lot of fire for writing rape and gratuitous violence into its TV show that werent part of the books, and so it was hard for me to sort out how what I was doing was any different. Combined with reading criticism at that time of writers who wrote rape into their fics and I got cold feet fast. I didnt yet have the stable fandom friendships that would later be able to encourage me, and i also didnt yet have the self confidence to encourage myself.

Im not upset about the haitus though. In that 4 years of sitting on the story, i grew a lot as a writer. i grew so much! ultimately when I picked it back up i not only had the confidence and the encouragement i had lacked before, but i also had the experience and the skill to navigate my plot and to find the balance i needed between showing the true horror and devastation of the violence without making it gratuitous. I threw out a subplot about finding a water source in favor of a subplot exploring Suder's mental health and letting little used lower decks characters have a moment in the spotlight. I tossed most of the canon deaths in favor of showing how the crew could cope with disabiling injury or illness, and how different characters would react to the survival circumstances. My only regret by the end was that I realized too late how interesting it would have been to keep Seska alive and on board. But i'd planned so much of that fic series without her by then that keeping her alive would have thrown future plans into disarray.

I also have to shout out my three betas: Red, CAMIR, and BlackVelvet. They really pushed me to lean into the darkness and explore it fully, rather than shy away and show it from a distance. that made what i had by the end something i was so happy with and proud of. im so grateful they held my feet to the fire and helped me finish this!

Sailor Moon H, Half Blood Prince,

Started: May 2016

Finished: May 2021

Longest Hiatus: 2017 or 2018-2020

Why I put it down and how I picked it back up: I can blame lots of the hiatus on grad school and the rest on despising the WIP.

Unbroken really benefitted from not being very far along in 2018 when I put it down. When i picked it up again i had the bones of an old story to build on. But SMH Half Blood Prince was much farther along by the time i had to put it down (150k-200k). It was the last story i ever wrote without a good outline. when i picked up the draft again i was a different writer... and I despised it. It was long (the final word count was 305,000). Meandering. It didnt know where its focus should be. I had written my first nonbinary characters and the effort felt bad and clumsy. And I had too many characters and too many ships. i knew i would either spend years finishing it or send it off with plotholes a mile wide.

Ultimately I loathed not finishing it more than I loathed its imperfections. So I picked plotholes in favor of a tighter ending I liked, with a solid set up for a final story. i think of in fondly now, as my favorite failure, and im outlining the final story to, hopefully, not become such an unfocused behemoth.

14. Where do you get your inspiration?

A lot of my initial inspiraton comes from canon that bothers me or teases me with some intriguing question that isnt addressed or isnt completely answered on screen. but especially with Star Trek a lot of inspiration comes from my friends, all sorts of conversations and "what ifs" and "wouldnt it be funny" sort of prompts and back and forths that really get me thinking!

Other times it's real life inspirations: Conflicts or problems or travel that just sparks... something. its hard to put into words. Basically if i have enough time to brood over something an idea wil definitely come out of it!

23. pick three keywords that describe your writing.

hmmm...

Lengthy, Sensory, Overly-researched.

[lostinfantasyworlds]

For the writers truth and dare game 😁

🪲,🍄,🪐

Hi Liz!!! Thank you so much for the asks!!! ❤️ 😁 🥰

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

I'm so bad at coming up with stuff on the spot so I'm going to cheat a little and use something I jotted down last night (which is probably more than 50 words 😆). This is for my main WIP, which I have talked about before but am not going to name so I can be all secretive and mysterious🤣: ------- "Do you have any informants in Hawaii?" Inuyasha asked.

Miroku seemed taken aback, but recovered quickly. "Actually, yes. One of my oldest confidants, Hachi, spends most of his time island-hopping. Why?"

"Could you -- Is there any chance he could -- Or you could ask --"

"Aw, are you trying to ask me for a favor?" His stupid blue eyes lit up like a child, and Inuyasha's hands balled into fists. "This must be important. You can do it, use your words."

Fuming, Inuyasha's cheeks burned, which he covered up by punching his annoying partner in the arm. He so badly wanted to tell him to forget it, since Miroku was pretty much insufferable when gloating. But since this was likely his only shot to help Kagome while they were gone, he took a deep breath and swallowed his pride.

"Do you think you could ask him to keep an eye on someone for me?"

"Stalking, huh? I didn't take you as the type."

"Fucking what -- no! I just...need to know she's safe. Alive. Nothing more than that."

"Oooh...she? This keeps getting better!"

Inuyasha's eye twitched, calling on every last bit of restraint he possessed not to knock the shit-eating grin off of Miroku's stupid face.

"Can you do that for me or not?" he ground out.

Miroku seemed to realize just how close he was to getting his ass beat, because his expression turned serious. "You just want a visual confirmation of safety?" Inuyasha nodded. "How often?"

"Whenever he can manage it...once a week, every few days, whatever."

"I believe that can be arranged. I'll ask him...on one condition."

"For fuck's sake, what?"

"That you tell me what the deal is with you and this woman."

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Why are you like this?"

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

I feel like Inuyasha and Kagome would probably move pretty fast in their relationship once she returned through the well. I imagine them being engaged and making out all over the place within the first few weeks. After all that time apart thinking they'd never see each other again, and since Kagome's decision to return is the ultimate show of commitment anyways, I think they'd want to make up for lost time and just go for it. That being said, I don't imagine them having sex the same day she comes through the well or anything like that. But I also don't think it'd take them a really long time to cross all of those milestones off their list. Somewhere in the middle, like a few weeks to maybe a couple months. I love reading fics that explore all of the different possibilities though, and can get behind almost any explanation/head canon.

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

Work is slower than it's ever been at the moment, to the point where I have had days and days of absolutely nothing to do while working at home and still getting paid (I'm salaried). My bosses have shockingly not tried to give me any busy work (there really isn't much else to do since our work is entirely project-based), so I've had a lot of time to catch up on my life and do fun things lately. It is the ultimate luxury and very rare, so I'm soaking it up while I can because once things get busy again my entire life will go back to revolving around my stupid job.

My mental health has finally reached a stable place, and I've been feeling pretty good overall. After years of depression and anxiety, it's a huge relief to feel back on solid ground again.

Our house is coming together slowly but surely. We are just about to paint the room we're currently renovating, and then just have to do flooring and we'll have another space finished and ready to use!

I have a lot to be grateful for right now, things are good 🥰

Thank you again for the asks!

From the Writer's Truth & Dare Ask Game

[cantbelieveyouregone]

Level 65 - 5 Years, 5 Months On Testosterone

Well, it's been a hell of a long time since I last did this. Almost like a pandemic happened and made me forget because there were slightly more pressing matters at hand. But it's just past trans day of visibility, so figured I should provide some sort of update here.

First big change since you last saw me do this is that I got top surgery. I'm now about two and a bit years past when it happened, and it wasn't completely smooth sailing. Surgery itself went fine, but I ended up having some of my stitching come out during recovery. That's, like, a whole other story, though. It could take up several paragraphs here. I got the periareolar one done, with my chest being just on the borderline of being too big for it, but I begged them to let me have that one, as it'd always been my preferred one if possible.

I'm still trying to get on the waiting list for bottom surgery, but even trying to get through to the GIC to make progress is a nightmare right now. I don't help my case by being someone who absolutely despises making phone calls, so I only try getting in touch by email. I've asked to be put on the list, twice, but I have not received any confirmation if it's happened. Really wish that I wasn't dependent on this whole GIC system, but here we are.

Besides that, in terms of testosterone changes, things have been pretty stable for a while now. My voice hasn't gotten much deeper for like a good couple years. I am a hairy boy - saw it coming, thanks to having beheld my dad swimming, and seeing that we were three for three in having facial hair among my grandfathers and dad as well.

I am still a very physically weak man. Exercise took a backseat for a lot of the lockdown period of the pandemic, as well as me doing very little exercise post-surgery on surgeon's orders. I've really only started picking it up again relatively recently, after moving out of the house I always take these selfies in (my old room - now my dad's work from home office - still has a mirror in it). I can do only about 15 push-ups before I have to stop for a breather, as my endurance has remained atrocious. I managed to do ten bicep curls in a row per arm with dumbbells weighing 8.5kg each, but I truly just reached that point. I can do like 100 sit ups on a workout bench or 50 on the floor in mostly one go, though. And I can do a plank for like two and a half minutes on a good day. So, y'know, I'm not in terrible shape, but I could be better. I want to do bouldering more regularly, but that requires breaking my existing routine to do so, so I find it hard to go very often. At least me and my flatmate walk in to work some days.

I have gained a noticeable amount of weight, compared to my last update, but that's honestly more to do with the fact that I moved out and got a job. My flatmate works at the same place I do, so we go to work at the same time. So I actually eat breakfast every day because they'd quickly notice if I didn't. Lunch is covered by our work, but it's Deliveroo from select places, so it's not the healthiest stuff we have as options. And dinner, again, flatmate and I get back at the same time and make dinner together most nights. Might not seem like a big deal, but before I had a job and moved out, I regularly slept in and didn't have a proper meal until dinner time. So funnily enough, I'm not surprised jumping from one meal a day to three has caused weight gain.

My mental health is an open question as always. I've described myself as "one thing going wrong away from a mental breakdown", and I still think that's accurate. I'm still on meds for anxiety and depression, and I still feel noticeable effects when I forget to take them. I don't think they're going away any time soon. Top surgery has helped with some of the mental health stuff, since it's one less thing for me to worry about on a daily basis, but... y'know, bottom dysphoria still exists, and it's bad. I did make some friends during university which helped to make things tolerable when I definitely otherwise would've been alone, since I pushed a lot of my high school friends away after I dropped out. I'm not in a relationship, and not only do I have limited desire to be until I learn how to take care of myself better, but I still have no idea what anyone would see in me.

I never know how to end these things. I don't know when I'll next remember to actually do one of these, because it's been a long-ass time since I did it before. Maybe I'll do a more detailed update about my top surgery experience. Maybe the folks that follow me ain't here for this, but if my post makes it across the dashboard or in the search of another person going through it, maybe it'll be helpful.

It's kind of why I started doing this in the first place.

[of-canes-and-manes]

001: Back in the Saddle Again

After years of severe chronic illness, last week I got back on a horse for the first time in over a decade. I found riding to be more doable than I was expecting; it wasn’t easy by any meaning of the word, but it also wasn’t impossible, and even though those seven minutes in the saddle pushed my body to the limit, I would have been able to ride more later in the day if I had had a long enough break.

A brief history of my health before I get too ahead of myself:

I’ve been chronically ill since late 2016, when I started working and began needing to sleep upwards of 16 to 18 hours a day to feel rested at all. Over the years I progressively got worse, until summer of 2019 when I had to call out of work more than I could go in and I was either in bed, in the bathroom, or at work. When covid hit in 2020, I went from being able to leave bed for work to only being able to leave bed for the bathroom and the occasional doctor’s appointment, but due to the pandemic, even my appointments stopped before I had any sort of diagnosis besides fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.

In November 2020 I had a near-death experience that resulted in getting my first ever blood transfusion; then I moved back home to my parents’ farm at the beginning of 2021. At the time it was an admission of defeat, but with the help of my parents, my health has slowly improved over the last two and a half years that I’ve spent on the farm, to the point where not only am I spending all day almost every day anywhere but my bed, I’ve able to leave the house upwards of three times a week and drive myself the majority of those times to boot.

As I’ve improved, I’ve experimented with doing more activity both physical and mental. For the first two years, physical activity was next to impossible and mental activity was all I could handle on a regular basis. Then I was blessed enough to get the first of two gender-affirming surgeries in December 2022, and since then I’ve been finding that while I’m now more physically capable, my mental energy has become unreliable.

While it’s of course a bit of a pain to be unable to read or write consistently, I’ve enjoyed the increased ability to bake, do canning, and get back to playing a musical instrument. This past spring I even planted a garden of pumpkins while learning to find adaptations for the various activities I have an interest in, and next year I’m hoping to plant more than just pumpkins!

I’ve spent the last eight months slowly but surely building up my physical activity to the point where when I had my second surgery in June, I was able to get back to my life with relative ease by mid-July. At this point in time, as long as I’m sitting down I can do whatever I’d like to, within reason, and if I need to walk somewhere, as long as I have my cane and take breaks every five to ten minutes, I can get where I need to go.

And how does this all come back to getting back in the saddle?

I had grown up going to a local stable with my siblings while our mom took lessons and cleaned stalls. My sisters and I were always more into riding than my brothers were, and once I hit puberty I stopped riding altogether as it, like most of my childhood passions, was too much for my dysphoria. Eventually, my sisters also stopped riding, though my mom continued on for years until she and my dad could afford to build a barn behind our house and bring her horses home. Since then, she’s slowly stopped riding as often as my dad’s health declined and our farm grew to include chickens, goats, and geese, but the horses have stayed a part of the daily chores all the while.

After stumbling across the International Gay Rodeo Association (a story for another time), and after realising that I am significantly more physically capable if I just have the right accommodations, I decided it was time to try riding again, just to see if I could do it. My mom was game to help me saddle up, so all we had to do was wait for the weather to cooperate.

I was able to borrow my mom’s tack and her old helmet, and with the help of an overturned bucket, I was up on top of the gentle giant Tiny Tim, a half-draft who gets along with everyone and everything. It’s been a while since he was last ridden; as such he was just as out of shape as I was, and I managed to last longer in our ride than he did!

We walked around the edge of the arena, first in one direction, then the other. My mom made a point to ask who was leading, me or Tim, and unfortunately my answer was a resounding “Tim is!” Then she asked us to do a serpentine across the arena, and I had such difficulty with that that she had to come out to walk with us. By then Tim was ready to be done and I was ready for a break, so I dismounted and led him back to the barn.

All in all, those seven minutes were some of the most wonderful I’ve had in a long time. Going forward, I hope to ride at least once a week for however long I can, and my only goal is to be able to go on trail rides in the future, no matter how long it takes.

May you have a peaceful day.

[deathsbestgirl]

Saw your tags-- agree w/ your thoughts! :DDD

I put my fleshed out ideas... somewhere? in an additional post; but I meant (and didn't say very eloquently) was that Mulder's trauma is psychological while Scully's was physical. We see him on more mental collapses over the series than Scully, whereas her arc revolves around her bodily autonomy being violated. Both are tragic; but Scully was given something back for everything CC took away from her (abduction = coma to have a goodbye from her dead father/peace, Melissa died = led her to Emily to give Scully autonomy over her daughter's peace, infertility = IVF = failure = confronting her own scientific reluctance in Amor Fati arc = alien ship healing = journey's end in all things = miracle pregnancy, etc.) Whereas Mulder's tragedies has no good thing to come from them EXCEPT closure for Samantha (his mom's suicide will always weigh on him, and his dad's "hi son" in Anasazi was butchered by Mulder learning about his Nazi dealings in Paper Clip, etc.)

Scully is able to seek help, stability, and normality regardless of her sufferings (even going to therapy when her mental health in untenable); Mulder, however, collapses far too easily without his dilapidated quest (until The Unnatural-Closure.) His trauma is psychological: being too late or too frozen or too incompetent to help others (Max in Fallen Angel, Samantha pre-show, his parents' deaths, Scully's abduction, her cancer and chip control, missing his son's birth, etc.) And his torture in S8 was never addressed, he was competently replaced by Doggett (who had a great solve rate), Scully would have been a good parent without him, Skinner/TLG advocate for his replacement (silently), etc. He had to suffer another loss-- his job, his files, to get a modicum of peace... and even that was robbed by his fear of his child's paternity. And he missed his son's birth (while Scully suffered another physical trauma with Reyes, so both had an awful time of it.)

Their tragedies are incomparable; but Mulder isn't hit hardest by physical violence while Scully is, hence her abduction/infertility being a pillar of trauma for her. For Mulder, it's psychological failure that haunts him the most.

Went on a long-winded spiel there, but I tried to consolidate it all down! :DDDDDD

thank you for this message !! so i tried to start it last night, but honestly was too tired to continue trying lol my issue isn't that i disagree with you at all, but the whole discussion ended up bringing out my anger toward the show 🤣

so i'm finding it hard to talk about their characters in the context of the show when i'm mad about the writing choices.

because. in oubilette (i love this episode), they give a minor the space to have such intense emotions after she'd been kidnapped, raped & abused. and it's SO frustrating that they make scully just bury it. i guess we can assume that because we see her go to therapy, she may go more than we see. and i think you're right to credit her more stable family background for how she's able to heal. but i just don't think being abducted for three months & having no memory and later learning you were medically raped when she was terrified to do any kind of therapy that could help her remember.

so i just don't think she ever dealt with it well, she internalized and tried to bury it and just move forward. or rather, she dealt with it by working on the x files with mulder. cuz maybe she'd eventually get some answers when she was more ready. and she'd already dedicated herself to him.

which i think is another part of the "problem" for me. because they did this with scully, and the way the show is continually about mulder's trauma, i think it just pisses me off. and like. i just can't be sure these were decisions the writers made intentionally, to be part of her character (which when i rationalize it, scully doesn't want to be weak in front of mulder, become another reason for him to feel guilty, another reason for his quest. she's strong & rational and he needs her to be okay. she wants his trust & his pride, to feel worthy. not necessarily because of anything mulder says/does but because of her own psychology & issues...) or if they were lazy & GA worked with what she had as they focused her on mulder.

ANYWAY. all this to say both of their traumas are so so bad. his lead to so much pain, abuse, estrangement and his beautiful beautiful empathy. i think i just care more about scully's because we actually ~see much more of mulder's. half the cases are about his trauma. the whole show is about his trauma. and scully's, i have a harder time talking about because medical rape is too real & scary. losing children is heart wrenching & tragic. the assaults she suffered from obsessive, crazy men are a very present fear for women. we lose people to cancer all the time and it's worse than i could ever put into words (which that aspect of cancer is more about mulder) and i just don't think a lot of that can get better exactly? it's things that stay with you even if you had a loving, stable family, even if you've "worked through it" & "healed" & manage to move forward. there isn't really a choice when a child involved. and there isn't really a choice when you're the one left behind. (not good choices anyway)

(and gods it's so frustrating the way they suck at communicating directly. they really do know each other so well that they can understand so much with looks & touches because they've learned how the other's mind works, though, clearly only to a degree because neither of them can truly fathom how the other struggles when they're abducted & there's nothing they can do except waiting & looking & praying & just doing what they have to as life keeps going because that's how the world works. BUT COMMUNICATING MATTERS. they can't rely on the other just ~getting it, because clearly they can't always get it lol)

(and oh god there's something here about the way mulder is so self sacrificial that any bodily harm that comes to him doesn't matter. and there's also something about the loss of autonomy scully faces repeatedly...)