#came to the realization it's always pocket knife havers

[asbatstos]

type is little freaks with very societally lame interests who carry around pocket knives wherever they go. i think it's so

[fizzypunks]

A Shirker’s Headfirst Slide Into Love and Other Feelings

fandom: naruto word count: 9k/complete rating: t summary: shikamaru is dumb when it comes to love, and neji is very perceptive.

AO3

note: unbetaed and an experiment in trying to write them together :) thank u for reading!

--

The sun setting behind them would normally be reason enough for them to set up camp, with traps and protection, and maybe a bedroll if they felt tired enough. It would have been normal procedure to wait the night out, take guard shifts, and rest as much as possible. That’s, at least, what Shikamaru knew he should have suggested, and he knows that it’s too late to go back on it now.

“Shikamaru, I know you want to get home,” Neji said, a long distance between the two as Neji was following up the tail end of their two-person mission. “But it’s not worth wasting the time we could be resting right now. We should set up for the night.”

Shikamaru kept his pace in the trees, a cautious speed that didn’t suggest danger, but might have implied some urgency.  “It’s not about what I want, Neji, it’s about getting out of Mist lands.”

“We’ve been out for well over thirty minutes, Shikamaru.”

Shikamaru almost shook his head in defiance, quickly checking himself and remaining as collected as he wished he felt. He knew this information too, but he couldn’t stop. Not even to make an excuse that made sense.

“Shikamaru.”

Shikamaru was decidedly ignoring his companion, but even the act of avoidance and silence was enough to bring some pink to his ears. 

He doesn’t know why he had to be paired up with the Hyuuga, and up until now he was certain he would be able to handle it. To deal.

Deal? Deal with what? Keep your head on mission. 

To ignore Neji, and all the associated and ridiculous feelings that come with not ignoring him. The silence between them used to be easy -- maybe Neji used to be stuck up and very much the picture perfect image of a cold-hearted Hyuuga, but since the tides shifted and they’ve taken on Shinobi duties together, that impression of a distant and unbothered Neji faded into the past like leaves to the wind.

Maybe it’s harder to ignore him now. Maybe it’s been a horrifying process to realize how seamlessly he went from distant, methodical team-mate to the person who he looks forward to talking with, and spending silence in with, and playing shogi with, and so,  so much more --

“Shikamaru!” 

A hand came to tug on his shoulder, light and just to grab attention as they bounded across the tree tops.

Shikamaru blinked, eyes pulled to the present suddenly as Neji’s voice came in loud and strong and  just beside him.

Shikamaru sighed, feet bracing for an immediate stop -- maybe it isn’t that hard to ignore him after all.

“What is wrong with you?” Neji said, voice raised, eyebrows furrowed and glaring. The look in his opal eyes was deep with frustration and patience as thin as cheese cloth. 

“If you could give me reasons, I could agree with you -- but we need to rest, and I don’t know why you’re so focused on getting home when we’re almost two days away.”

The pinch in Neji’s voice was restraint, was formality, and Shikamaru immediately hated the feeling of formal and distant and felt even more like an asshole. 

“Neji --” 

“This isn’t something I want to argue, and I can’t believe that of all people, I’d have to argue it with you.”

The authority seeping into his voice, into the resolve of his flattening eyebrows, was also something Shikamaru couldn’t stand. The way the tone of his voice became a barricade, a means to an end that said  we’re stopping, and that’s it.

Huh, so you don’t like it when it happens to you? Man, what an idiot you are.

“Neji --”

“We’re in a safe spot. I’m going to set up our perimeter, I’ll leave the bedrolls to you.”

Before he gets the chance to say anything half-assed or under-explained, Neji turned his back and launched himself to the canopy above.

The mission did take a toll, and the sigh Shikamaru let out felt like a mountain resting on his back, an endless ache that required rest. 

Neji was above him, setting wires and incindiaries across the large, mossy branches. Shikamaru stretched his neck, sighed, and moved to the small clearing before he let himself stare.

~

The night fully settled over them like a cold blanket, restless with forest chatter and the faint stirrings of the nearby river. The large two roots they camped under were dry and a made for a good wall to keep their backs against. They even lucked out with how little bugs there seemed to be, but that’s what happens when autumn begins its descent into winter.

They were secured with a small concealed fire and one-more than necessary trap set in the surrounding leaf piles. The two of them were comfortable, hidden, sheltered from the winds, and in friendly territory -- the all but perfect shelter for a long rest.

Neji was sitting beside him to the left, three feet away on crossed legs, and the veins around his eyes were straining as he did another sweep of the surrounding woods.

Undeniably secure. 

None of it could explain any of the unrest in Shikamaru’s stomach.

This is a fucking pain-- why bother?

Taking a bite of a slightly stale bun, his stomach turned in a restless, nervous churn.

He’d take combat and enemies over whatever this any day.

Shikamaru knew he had to own up to his own behavior at some point -- it was clear as day how he was acting, and he felt stupid to act so thoughtlessly. And for so  long, too -- his attitude has been bent like this for weeks, and all his talks with himself did nothing to straighten out whatever the hell it was that made him compelled to do it in the first place.

He felt stupid when he averted his gaze when Neji brought something to his attention. And it was petulant with how his sentences fell short and cropped and irritated whenever they had to speak in moments that lasted longer than a few sentences, however rarely they did that these days-- Neji was the one who always seemed to speak first, and the one whose words it usually ended on, too.

It’s been too many weeks of  this  , as though Neji was a bother and in  his way and he somehow needed to make that explicitly clear – that he had to make the Hyuuga as uncomfortable as he was. It was probably the dumbest, meanest, most logic-lacking thing he’s done-- he knows all too well, and he sighs. 

Neji didn’t do anything to warrant such behavior, it was all personal in a way that Neji simply couldn’t have been aware of. It was all on Shikamaru, the haver of such feelings, not the object of those feelings for existing.

I’m an asshole. I need to apologize...

Neji hadn’t said a word since he last cleared their perimeter. His meal of fruits was already finished, and his flak jacket was still donned. Shikamaru spared another peek toward him, and realized that he was still using his Byakugan.

Shikamaru’s eyes snapped back to the area in front of him, back to scanning the white bread in his hands and the pathetically small bites that were too telling of his lost appetite. He softly squished it between his fingers, making it grow plump, before deciding that he wouldn’t be able to eat till his speaks.

“We’re clear,” Neji said at last, and Shikamaru could hear the ease return to his voice as his Byakugan finally gave way to a relaxed state. “I’ll check in again in an hour,”

“Sounds good…” And then a seconds pause before, “Thank you.”

The silence returned as soon as he broke it, and this time Shikamaru has to be the one to break it. It’s too dense, suddenly unfamiliar and distinctly wrong.

He set his bread to his right, and pulled his leg up to his chest. His flak jacket was at the end of his feet, laying across his bedroll haphazardly. Thinking twice on it, he used a foot to hook the arm hole and reeled it back in.

Fishing around in the inner pocket, he pulled out his pack of cigarettes. “I’m being a jackass.”

Neji hummed in response. It wasn’t a particularly cold tone he took, and that made the knots in Shikamaru’s stomach settle down.

A little bit, at least.

But still, Neji waited, still like a statue with all the patience in the world. Shikamaru couldn’t argue with it either when he had more to say and own up to.

Not everything, but…

“It’s been a tough… few weeks. I can’t say I’ve handled it well. I’ve been trying to handle it on my own, and I have been, but… that’s no reason to…. You know.”

It’s something, a good start -- but each word fell like lead weights into the air around them, losing pride for having to say them at all.

Neji sits still beside him, and Shikamaru lit his cigarette before continuing. 

“I’m surprised you’re not… yelling at me not to smoke. Telling me it’s gross and unhealthy, or that it’s offending your Hyuuga sensibilities.”

Neji moved to cross his legs, but remained silent despite the good-natured jab. His chakra is subdued, calm and unreadable, and it’s like talking to a wall -- brick and mortar and Hyuuga strength of will.

“It’s good we stopped though… I’ve probably slept 5 hours in total this week, I definitely was pushing too far…”

Shikamaru took another drag of his cigarette and watched the fire consume the end of it, a small interrupting of the smoke stack as it came to fill his lungs, to settle his nerves for a split second before he had to release it back out into the cold air.

It didn’t really occur to Shikamaru how taken he was with Neji till this moment -- not just the nerves that came with realizing he’s been too cold to him and needs to apologize, but the way he felt like he was balanced on a knife’s edge in anticipation of hearing anything from him, be it small talk or admonishment.

God, can’t he just  say something? 

Shikamaru doesn’t want to look toward him, so he keeps his gaze toward the sky and the patches that peak through the clouds. The stars were brighter from the country side, but they were few and far between the heavy clouds and shedding tree branches.

“I don’t know how you Jonin do it, you know. Back to back missions, advanced training, missions to villages with pretentious, under qualified governors who think too highly of themselves… it’s worth it in the end but gods, look at the cost. I’m spent. Personally, I’m just mad I’m on my last two cigarettes.”

“You forgot something.”

Shikamaru’s ears started to burn, but he kept his tone. “Hmm? About what?”

Neji’s voice carried gently, neutral and hard to place in a way that gave away nothing. “About the missions, and what we have to deal with.”

Shikamaru chanced a cautious laugh, “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“You forgot the teammates that won't speak to you. I also consider that a pretty big… annoyance.”

Shikamaru held his breath around a lung full of smoke, a trail of heat starting to curve up his cheeks and sink into his stomach. It wasn’t the embarrassment, it was the shame of acting so profoundly idiotic that he could hear the disappointment behind Neji’s words.

It’s like going through that phase as a kid, when being mean was the way to say  I like you  , but running away was like the sign, the declaration, that might as well say  I hate you and I do not think about you at all and I don’t want to get too close because what might happen?

 As an adult, that’s pretty hard to admit to.

“I didn’t mean to,” Shikamaru started, keeping his voice low. He tucked his knees into the cradle of his arm, bracing against the cold.

“You mean to tell me it wasn’t intentional?”

“I…” How do you lie about irrational, readable, stupid actions? Shikamaru is good at explaining, at thinking on the spot and it’s as easy as breathing to strategize the next 200, 300, 400 moves ahead - but when there’s no way around speaking without revealing, and now is not the time to reveal...

Shikamaru’s cigarette was burning down, and it ashed on his knees before he could stop it. “It’s not about that… I’ve just been, I don’t know, stuck in my head, and I’ve not been easy to talk to in general. I’m sorry that I’ve been a dick to you, though. It’s not what I want, and like I said, I’ve been too stuck in my head to really notice.”

“Hmm.”

“I’m sorry.”

Shikamaru peeked at Neji when nothing more came from his apology. Neji was, like him, leaned against the bark of the giant root they sheltered beside. His head laid against the root, hair pulled out of the way and over his left shoulder to keep it from the toughness of their makeshift shelter and as far away from bugs as could be. His head tilted back to lay against it in as restful a position he could probably find while keeping awake. 

He expected the Hyuuga to look watchful, yet he found that Neji’s eyes were closed in placid contemplation. They rested peacefully, without a furrow to be found on his soft features. The shadows cast from the nearly dead fire caught under his eyes, under his lips, the contours of his mouth coming alive with sharp full shapes taking form. The dull light illuminated in the most concealed way possible how his features were both sharp and distinctive, yet soft and touchable…

Shikamaru turned his eyes back to the fire, to the forest, knowing the train of thought he was on would derail too fast. They’d been sitting there long enough, and there was clearly no alternative on a mission other than to take the silences when they happened.

Why’d it have to be us? Naruto could have come on this mission… it could have been Ino…. Chouji… 

A couple more minutes passed, and Shikamaru was growing used to the sound of crumbling firewood. 

Finally, Neji said, “It’s okay.”

Shikamaru looked down, refusing to sigh in relief. “Thank you.”

“I still don’t quite understand.”

“What to you mean?”

“I still don’t understand why you’ve been making poor decisions. I’ve never seen that from you,” and his voice was way too stern, too intensely focused like the end of a needle. “I wouldn’t be thinking about this as much if it weren’t for you pushing on too far, lying about knowing we’re in the wrong territory, and ignoring procedure. That I don’t understand.”

Shikamaru opened his mouth, but Neji continued without more than a second’s pause. “And then when I hear that you were asking to be reassigned on this mission, that also doesn’t leave me feeling very convinced.”

Shikamaru fell silent, lips suddenly sealed together. The fire his eyes were so intently trained on was still too bright for his liking, and if they were to disappear all together, he might thank the universe for the small mercy of shadows.

“So before I feel… hurt, I think I’ll ask you first. Why?”

“Neji…”

Wow, you really set yourself up for failure, didn’t you?

“I was going to ask you when we got to Konoha, but since we’re already here.”

Shikamaru’s limbs turned stiff, his jaw taut with resistance -- but it was starting to leak from him, all that resistance and fighting and stupidity that he dug his feet into. He hoped that it would go away, that if time and distance gave him the opportunity, he’d find himself sorely mistaken and that all the little things he ignored about the way the other made his heart ache were like passing moments to be left behind.

They weren’t, and he hurt Neji in the process of uselessly trying to disprove himself. 

“I’m… damn it, yeah, fine,” Shikamaru started, letting the irritation in his voice leech out a bit. He reached for the pack of cigarettes beside him and took another fine stick to his lips. “You deserve an explanation, I know I’ve made this mission more difficult than it needs to be.”

Are you really going to do this? Even if he takes it well, Hyuuga’s have clan politics. Rules. Punishments.

Fuck it . “I… was trying to get a new partner for this mission.”

“I assumed, Shikamaru.”

“It wasn’t anything against  you , it…” 

“But it was personal, right?”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, I needed some distance…”

“Why didn’t you ask?”

Shikamaru stopped -- fingers cradling a lit cigarette, lips parted, and he felt like an idiot for probably the hundredth time that hour. 

“I would have given it to you.”

“I’m... would you believe me that it didn’t occur to me till just now?”

“Something heavy must be on your mind,” Neji laughed, and it was like music and all Shikamaru wanted was to hear it again and again. 

“You could say that, and I should have asked instead. I just needed space, but it wasn’t personal --”

“Do you think you can lie and I wouldn’t notice?”

“Okay, okay, fine -- it was personal, but it wasn’t personal. It’s not from a place of hate and it’s not that I want to do it, I just had to do it, and I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.”

“What’s so urgently on your mind, then?”

“Neji…”

“I can only assume it has to do with me.”

“It’s because I’m stupid… look, it’s not you, it’s  everything else. I’m just being my normal, lazy self and what’s coming down the pike for me has me on edge… Asuma, family politics, Naruto running off every chance he gets and I’m left here wondering if he’ll return this time. Other things that I need to think through carefully...”

The silence between them grew, like the gaping chasms between continents; fast and swift and ringing like a strike to the ear. It’s not unusual, it’s not something’s Shikamaru isn’t used to -- but before, it used to feel like peace, instead of a prolonged heartbeat.

Neji shuffled, rattling the contents within his leg strap as he uncrossed his legs. Shikamaru craned his head to look at him, to see if there was any anger or frustration in him or, gods forbid, he finally pushed him far enough that he was drifting.

Neji reached over, shuffling to bridge some space between them, and without a word took the cigarette from Shikamaru’s lips. He ashed it in the patches of dirt between them, but took gentle care not to crush it. 

“It’s a bad habit,” he said, bringing his eyes to level with Shikamaru, leaning over the hand that supported him. He continued. “You win, Nara. I’ll give you some distance, and you’ll stop smoking a carton every two days.”

Shikamaru nodded, not finding it within himself to vocalize an answer, or deny the accusation of smoking so often.

Up close, the Jonin’s eyes glowed under the moon, and if he stayed staring like  that  any longer, Shikamaru knew he would have to  do something . But instead, Neji didn’t say anything else, he just smiled and handed over the put-out cigarette. He returned to sitting, back up against their makeshift wall, and closed his eyes.

“Get some sleep, Nara. I’ll wake you in three hours.”

Shikamaru blinked, staring at Neji’s resting form, and decided quickly that maybe he should listen.

~

 Their mission passed comfortably and quickly – it was weird, the way silences turned into even greater expanses, but it at least wasn’t awkward. Neji kept to himself, respecting the distance Shikamaru claimed to have needed.

No, it wasn’t a claim, he really did need the distance -- but even he saw the foolishness in thinking that that alone would be enough to curb the affection welling within him. No distance would be a cure for feelings, and the absence of his friend only seemed to prove to do the opposite.

Now the shadow-nin felt the distance and it was like a magnifying glass to the ways in which he would miss Neji: how each moment passed alone was somehow (and he had little idea when this started happening) less peaceful without Neji’s quiet, ever calm presence. And then Shogi, the way he missed being challenged, but also watching the concentration stir in the Hyuuga’s eyes as he looked for faults in Shikamaru’s strategy. He missed the random visits, the ones that didn’t even necessarily need shogi or drinking or a discussion of their shared shinobi duty.

But Shikamaru didn’t break, no matter the growing pang of regret for having created their divide -- he laid in bed and simply tried to find the best way to not experience whatever this was.

The window was open, and he laid atop the bedding with his hands behind his head. The breeze was cold, but not enough to bring Shikamaru from his endless train of thought, and the many detours it ended up on.

It wasn’t even about  him . It was about Neji. 

The goal is to return to normal. 

To be able to look him in the eye, to be able to stop yearning --

Who said anything about yearning?

But then again, what else do you call it when your heart cannot stop beating to the thought of finally seeing  him ?

What is it when you would defend someone to the death?

 ~

Once, Neji beat him at Shogi. And then they played a game of Go, and he beat him there too. It never happened again, but Shikamaru would never admit to, for the first time in his life, being too distracted.

It didn’t happen again. He didn’t let it.

~

 Some days, Neji comes over just to... come over. There’s no preamble, no mission-related duty or off-the clock work, and most of the time, it was un-announced. Neji would appear at their front door, knocking for posterities sake, but he also appears at his window, or seeks him out in the many acres of Nara land. Shikamaru used to ask why, but the answer was always vague or some form of dodging, and it didn’t take long for Shikamaru to learn to stop asking. 

“I was in the area.”

“If you didn’t want me over…”

“I’m hiding from Naruto, he has a bet with Kiba...”

Neji didn’t make it a secret that he preferred not to be at the estate, and Shikamaru didn’t blame him. Ever since the Chunin exam, Shikamaru grew more and more aware of the things that happen behind closed doors, and how it’s not always something that could be fixed.

Sometimes, fixing it just meant being away from it, or maybe just being with someone who you didn’t hate. And always, he chose to be here. Whether in silence, or in training, or over a game of shogi, but always -- usually -- here.

Shikamaru didn’t think about it too much.

 ~

Neji returned from practice with his team one hot summer day, and as a treat Gai had offered to buy them ramen. Ichiraku is easily the most popular spot to eat ramen in the day time, especially for Jonin with kids who didn’t exactly know how costly it is to feed a team of growing, exhausted teenagers. 

Shikamaru was eating, alone, with a book on wild life resting to his left. Gai came in unceremoneously, followed by Lee, Tenten, and Neji in tote.

Shikamaru didn’t expect, when he turned around to offer a lazy greeting, for Neji to look…

Shikamaru’s eyes shifted downward and to the pavement  fast .

Neji’s hair was braided, and  expertly so. All of his long, coffee colored hair was gathered into one long, thick braid that draped over his left shoulder. His hair was so healthy, and so soft looking, Shikamaru couldn’t help but want to touch.

“Good afternoon, Shikamaru,” Neji said, a strong hint of annoyance trapped in his voice -- clearly, though, it was from the way Lee was wrapped around his shoulders that made him look like he wanted to drop dead.

“Shikamaru! Could you be so kind as to help settle a disagreement for us?”

Shikamaru glanced up, feeling the heat of a blush creep up his neck, and tried to avoid direct eye contact. “Ummm…. Sure, I guess.”

Why are you acting so weird? What the fuck? 

Gai, after having ordered his fill, turned toward his group and beamed, the way he always did when he looked at the kids in his care. Shikamaru always thought that he looked like a loving mother hen, and couldn’t help but gaze at his chicks with the utmost affection. “Debate? What possible debate! It’s a look that will stun, turn heads, and absolutely --”

“Stop!” Neji said, a blush fiercely taking over his face as well. He looked off to the side, resigned to the brotherly arm Lee slung around him but, apparently, not to looking like he was comfortable with it. “Clearly, this was a mistake.”

“Neji! You can’t help that people will compliment you,” Tenten added, sitting beside Gai and smirking with mirth. She glowed with the energy of one who was getting exactly what she wanted, then some. “It’s a good look!”

“You also cannot deny that it was a positive action that greatly reduced your heat-exhaustion!” Lee added, raising a finger matter-of-factly. “I was worried the sun might have harmed you if you had not let me braid it, and now it has resulted in another great discovery: you should wear your hair braided more often!”

“I’m sorry, but what disagreement am I supposed to be weighing in on?” Shikamaru said, unsure if he really wanted to get involved. But since Neji looked just as, or maybe even more flushed, and quite preoccupied with avoiding attention, Shikamaru felt a little more at ease to look at the embarrassed Hyuuga. No one would blame him if for a glance.

He’s…

“You don’t need to weigh in on anything,” Neji said, peeling away from Lee and choosing to sit as far away from him as possible -- just to the right of Shikamaru.

“Oh, come on Neji! Partake in some of our joy! Allow yourself to bask in your youth and the perks it brings you!”

“Just because you braid my hair, you think we need to draw more attention?”

Gai, Lee, and Tenten all said, in seemingly premeditated unison, “Yes!”

Beside Neji, Tenten giggled, nudging him with her elbow before turning to lean on the counter. “Anyway, we all think he looks great with his hair like this, and he disagrees.”

Gai, sat beside her, nodded solemnly. “If only he could  trust us!”

Lee, on the other side of Gai, simply nodded in agreement.

Shikamaru sighed -- this entire ordeal, the loudness, the grandeur, was so needless and dramatic that it might be seen as slapstick if an observer would waste their time viewing it.

However…

“What’s the point, though? Why do you care if he agrees?” Shikamaru said, avoiding looking outright. He settled on picking up his chopsticks and looking down the counter with a glance. 

Lee laughed. “It is not about agreeing! He simply does not believe that it flatters him, and we insist it does! So, what do you think?”

Shikamaru could have said he disagreed. He could have had an easy out with a simple ‘no’. It could have all been ended if he, the newly decided decision maker, decided that it was not a good look.

Normally, Shikamaru would have done just that. Not a single part of him understands why he didn’t.

“Well… I guess, since I have to. Neji,” and he looked toward the Hyuuga, turning his stool in order to face the still-blushing ninja. 

Neji stole a sidelong glance toward Shikamaru and didn’t know what to say, so Shikamaru said, “Face me so I can get a look.”

Like gritting teeth, without so much as a word, Neji turned to face him, in the most slow, resisting way possible. He looked off toward the street, idling his eyes in the distance shakily, and Shikamaru could see his levels of embarrassment climb by the second. His skin was too pale to mask frustrations, and as such, his normally dead-cold cheeks and nose were brushed with a dusting of pink.

“If you’re just here to mock me, just say yes,” Neji said, voice low and quiet -- only for Shikamaru’s ears. “This is stupid.”

Shikamaru smiled. “Hmm.”

His hair was nice. The person in front of him was also nice, and really any hair style would also be nice.

Nice . That’s what he looked like.

“Let up, Hyuuga, I’m not here to mock you. It’s up to you if you want your hair like this, but it doesn’t look half bad.”

Neji raised his eyes and made eye contact for the first time during this pointless ordeal, and reserved isn’t a word often used to describe him, yet it was the perfect one in that moment.

Shikamaru smiled. “Sorry, Hyuuga, but it works. Whether or not you keep it, that’s up to you.”

Despite his annoyance, Neji smiled.

Gai and Lee were by far the loudest supporters of Shikamaru’s decision, and once their ramen’s were delivered, they all settled down for a lunch shared in silence. 

 ~

Sometimes, Neji makes no sense. Shikamaru knows him well, and yet, occasionally, he’ll make a request, or say something quiet and reflective, and Shikamaru never is able to predict what it will be, or when it will happen.

It’s on a hot summer night that Neji asks, “take me to your favorite spot.”

They’re sitting in the book of the archive room, overlooking historical accounts of the rise of the south Suna. He looks up and across the table to the Hyuuga, thouhgts suddenly diverted from his reading material. “Huh?”

Neji’s eyes were still gliding over the page of his book. “For sky gazing.”

“You want to look at the sky?”

With me?

Neji glanced up, then down to his turning page. “Yes. I’d like to meditate somewhere besides the estate.”

After their studies and research were done for the night, Shikamaru brought him to a field outside the Nara lands, and showed him the concave of the root of a large tree. The base of the tree was green grass, and the ground was curved as though it was only meant to be laid in.

Neji quickly looked over the little sitting spot before him, and before Shikamaru could say anything, he sat in the soft grass at the base. Shikamaru, as surprised as he was, sat beside him.

They gazed into the sky in quiet companionship, one in meditation and one with quickening heart.

~

 He doesn’t say it out loud, because whining about  important  things isn’t Shikamaru’s speed, but he enjoys the nights with Neji more than he does those without him. He’d rather whine about things bothering him and the mundane details that become part of the daily routine of shinobi life, but never anything  actually  important.

That’s why, no matter what, he won’t say he misses a certain Hyuuga, and that the clouds don’t quite feel the same without him.

 ~

 Hyuuga’s are like cats -- they’re temperamental, strike out with provocation, and they don’t easily open up.

Once they do, however, they’re impossible to shake. They’ll be  there , and you’ll be hard pressed not to have them in your space, or attending events with you, or even spending evenings alone with nothing but a bottle of Sake.

Neji doesn’t hold his liquor well, and that’s why they were drinking at Shikamaru’s house, because if anything were to happen, no one would be the wiser, and the Hyuuga name wouldn’t come to be sullied.

Shikamaru went from trying to help Neji stand, to being pulled down to his level in an instant. And in just as quick a moment, he was asleep, shoulders cradled in the safe arms of Shikamaru, hair tangling and head leaning into the space Shikamaru’s neck provided.

Neji…

He thanked the gods that Neji was asleep, unable to hear the sound of his heart hammer in his ribs like a restless canary.

Shikamaru let him rest for a moment, feeling a little too proud that he’d be allowed to be this close, and this responsible, and this intimate...

Neji’s breath was soft, and gentle, and when Shikamaru moved to shift them so that he could also be sitting, he moaned softly.

Shikamaru swallowed, mind blanking at the sound.

God damn it...

Shikamaru ended up tucking him into a spare futon beside his own bed, and wrote off the giddiness and overwhelming heat to the sake.

~

 Shikamaru hated avoiding Neji, but it was necessary... He needed his head cleared, he needed to have clarity and a sense of stability, and none of that could be accomplished if he could look up and lose his senses simply by just seeing him. He couldn’t be wasting his time or energy thinking and pondering and missing someone, especially if it was interfering with his shinobi duty.

 Somehow, his memories and overthinking of the other were only amplified, like his absence made an echo chamber that he could do nothing but throw memories and voices and yearning thoughts into.

 As it turned out, he was missing Neji twice as much.

 ~

 Lonely was never a word Shikamaru used. It didn’t make sense, and he always had his friends, and if he didn’t have his friends, he had his teammates. And if he didn’t have them, then he he at least had himself.

 Maybe it’s a smart tactic – it’s easier to be a shinobi if he has less to care about, and god knows the world is getting worse, that it’s a blessing not to have people to miss.

 But he never thought how much loving something might make the world more worth fighting for – and yes he has his friends and family, but it seems to be so different than… whatever  this  is. Whatever this feeling was that broke the reality of what  love means to him.

 And then suddenly, he started to feel pretty fucking lonely.

 ~

 ( I love my family, I love my friends, I love my team mates.

  But were I to be in love…

  how do I do that?)

~

Shikamaru was starting to put it all together around two weeks later, after Neji had given him his privacy. The thing his distance was supposed to do definitely didn’t happen, and instead he discovered that his heart was not something he could outrun.

 When Shikamaru came back from a solo mission after a week of desk duty, Neji was waiting for him, and it all  clicked into place. The little doubt left in his mind disappeared, and he felt stupid for fighting it at all.

  H uh, so that’s how it is, isn’t it?

There was a lot beneath the surface, and he simply refused to touch it -- skimming the surface and panicking against the current was as far as he got, and now, seeing a familiar silhouette…

It was like forgetting to test the waters and just  diving  . Ignoring the voice in his head that suggested a thousand  what ifs , ignoring the uncertainty of never having being in love, and realizes that he has never been more wrong.

It’s been  love  , and it’s been for  years , and Shikamaru pales at how fast it enters his mind.

Neji was waiting for him, in front of his home, balanced on a stool with his long legs careening off to the sides. He chose to be  here .

  He always does, you idiot. Always.

Neji was here. Not waiting at the mission desk, not at the gates, but here, at home, and waiting for him. With the sun beating down in a striking display of summer in the fading autumn, peaking at the highest point above them that left nothing to shadows. Neji was waiting under it’s crest, probably hot and uncomfortable, even if the autumn breeze carried through the trees.

Shikamaru might have been tired, but everything within him stood at full alert at the sight of Neji sitting at his front door.

He wasn’t wearing his jacket, and his hair was loose and falling beautifully over his shoulders… not tied, not perfectly, intentionally laid on his back, not braided, but allowed to drape and cascade. He had a black sweater on, layered with a visible white undershirt that peaked out from under.

Shikamaru paid a lot more attention to his appearance, and he can’t compare it to anything else he’s experienced – he’s never noticed clothing and appearance in a way that wasn’t practical, functional – and when he finally reached his door, he couldn’t help but sink into that pathetic realization of being in love, because Neji looks so beautiful.

He sunk, and every feeling and memory of something intimate and friendly filled his mind, like the waves an ocean seconds before it crashes down on the mainland. Neji looked up with him, and it’s the same eyes he’s been seeing for years -- the ones he’s shied away from, sought, yearned for all at once – the ones like a blinding, white hot star, with all the gravity in the world to pull him in and destroy him.

It clicked, the way a puzzle piece snaps into its final resting spot. 

Neji smiled against the sun, squinting a bit in the golden highlight. “Welcome home.”

Maybe he’s always been a little love. 

That, however, isn’t what he said, though gods knows he wanted to say it. “What are you doing? It’s too hot to wear a sweater.”

Neji’s polite, small smile spread and it was like sunshine --

Since when has he been so… stunning?

Looking up at him from the stool he rested on, Shikamaru’s scanning gaze noted the small, brown cotton bag that was at his feet. “It’s almost winter, Shikamaru. Just because the sun’s out, it doesn’t make it  hot .”

“I guess. It’s still warm.”

“It was kind of you to make it back on time, for once. I would have been waiting here for a while.”

Shikamaru finally let himself smile, though it felt small and reserved. Yes, he needed a shower. There’s dirt embedded into his pants, and he got rained out two days ago without proper clothes to bring back. His hair was in knots and forced into a pony tail, and he was sure that he looked like exhausted shit -- yet he could have stayed here all day, if it meant talking to Neji.

Man, you’re fucked. Truly, completely, all encompasingly fucked.

“Why are you waiting for me?”

Neji stood, bringing them eye level and entirely too close, and Shikamaru felt dizzy from the prospect of  close  , and then other words that took shape like  intimate  and  pretty    and  you’re so fucking   beautiful   and you’re doing nothing -- 

“I have food.”

Shikamaru’s cheeks reddened immediately.

“That is, if you don’t need any more distance.”

He felt like he was on fire.  What an idiot I’ve been . 

“I… of course I am. I’m sorry about --”

“Don’t worry. Just,” and his eyes dropped, then came up in a slow, surveying glance that left Shikamaru’s nerves on fire. “Just get comfortable, and I’ll be in the kitchen.”

Shikamaru didn’t argue, he just felt grateful that Neji didn’t press any further. Besides, he  was hungry, and he should probably eat something before he passes out for however many hours, or days.

Neji picked up the bag at his feet and followed Shikamaru in.

~

 Though he intended to be fast, the water soon ran cold and he realized that he was in the shower for over half an hour. Gods knows it was necessary, but he cringed at the idea of Neji waiting in the kitchen for him.

 Shikamaru’s hair was wrung well, but it stayed wet for a number of hours. He would normally let it dry down and combed,  but he pulled it up into a wet ponytail before making his way down stairs, absent-mindedly tossing on a light sweater and sweatpants.

The smell of simmering meats and spices was strong, and Neji turned his head slightly to greet Shikamaru as he rounded the corner.

The kitchen was, as to be expected, clean, with a variety of dishes and prepared vegetables laid out on the countertops. The Hyuuga wore his mom’s apron, a little red one with no special decorations other than old broth stains, hanging from his thin hips.

“Take a seat, I’m almost done... I had most of the prepped food ready before I got here.”

Everything about this… it was so bizarre. He didn’t know whether to smile and appreciate it, or caution asking if there was something wrong. Was someone dying, or were they entering a war, did the Hokage die?

  Maybe he...

Neji squinted. “Nara, I swear… just sit down, don’t look so paranoid.”

Shikamaru shook his head, blinking away the sheer confusion and the way he liked seeing him in his home, making him lunch. “I’m… okay, yes, I will. ”

He moved to take a seat at the table, an awkwardness settling in as he realized that the guest in his home was preparing a meal for  him . “I’m just a little puzzled, that’s all. Why the meal? Why all…” And he gestured around to the counter tops, all covered in little bowls of sauce and cut onions and a variety of different toppings for the rice and soup and meat.

“I know it’s not traditional and I don’t normally welcome you back from missions, but I thought maybe I should. I’m not always in Konoha when you return, so now’s a good time to start… since I can.”

“But… why?”

“You’re sounding like you don’t want me here,” he laughed. “It’s something I wanted and chose to do.”

“I just mean, there’s always a reason.”

“Then call it a gesture.”

Shikamaru sighed, and resigned to lounging in his seat as he watched Neji cook. 

Since he was being honest, and finally resigned himself to the fact that his feelings were there for the long haul, he could admit that Neji  was beautiful.

The entire village knew it, but at least now he could think it, and admit that he was thinking it. Neji, with his long hair, and his pride, and his ability to set off every single neuron in his brain with just a smile or act of intimacy, like cooking… 

“You’re being particularly quiet today,” Neji offered, broad shoulders to Shikamaru. He was cutting up some sort of vegetable, and the little click of the blade against the wood board lightly punctuated his observation.

“Sorry, it was just a long mission,” Shikamaru said, eyes still on Neji, a tint of heat across his cheeks as he skimmed the surface of his strong shoulders. “I wouldn’t say the Suna is the most forgiving landscape I’ve been in.”

Neji hummed, still chopping. “Did you get hurt?”

“Nah, it was too clumsy an organization to deal any real damage. There were even hostages, and everyone came home pretty fast despite how many guards they had. Gaara was thankful his men didn’t have to go in, otherwise… well the hostages probably wouldn’t have made it out.”

“Hmm. It was more action than talking, I take it?”

“Yeah… we got briefed and that was it.”

“Easy.”

“Very. Just long.”

“Mm… Shikamaru?”

Chop, chop, chop - the sound of onions and --  r   adish? daikon? -- becoming minced and soup ready.

“Yes?”

“I was wondering if you got more time to think. You know, what you needed time to think about last time we talked.”

Shikamaru looked away, taking to memorizing the cover of a book laid out on the dinner table. “Maybe.”

“And you’re talking to me again.”

“Yeah…”

“I guess, since you had time to think, and you’re talking to me again, then you don’t need any more distance?”

“Sure…”

“Care to tell me why, then?”

“I…”

Shikamaru was overcomplicating things, and he knew it. It’s pretty dumb, after all, to let a crush ruin everything.

 It’s pretty dumb to feel dumb for saying it out loud.

“It’s so stupid,” Shikamaru started, glancing to the side. “I was taking my time, but I never know when the right time is.”

“Is it possible that, maybe,” and Neji turned around, smiling small and knowingly, cocking his head to the side. “You’re thinking too much?”

Shikamaru laughed, a deep sense of stupidity rising from his chest because  no shit . “What can I say, it’s what I do.”

Neji rolled his eyes, toweling off his hands. 

Their kitchen was small -- it was enough for a family, but with the two of them, it felt like it shrunk to half the size and the only thing that was in it was Neji, and Shikamaru with his stupid little brain and his stupid overreactions. Neji took the four or five steps necessary to stand in front of Shikamaru, and that’s all he did. Shikamaru wanted him to reach out, to hold his hand or tilt his head up by the chin with a delicate, powerful finger.

Instead, it was so much better.

Neji kept a foot between them, holding his towel idly in his two hands.“If you liked me so much, I could have been here making you food for years.”

Shikamaru knew it somewhere in his heart, but to hear it out loud felt like being flung from the top of a mountain. He swallowed, his blush returned in full force, and he couldn’t stand how he was so dense that he ignored how much Neji showed him he loved him. “I was…”

“You are a child.”

“Neji…”

“ We haven’t talked for a month, Nara.”

“I mean, I sort of panicked…”

“Sort of?” He he was tall and towering and his judgment came with no scolding, no hate, just a haughty sense of pride.

Shikamaru was as overwhelmed at the confrontation as he was relieved, balanced so delicately between the two that he couldn’t find it in himself to make up excuses. “Okay,  fine , I panicked and tried to run away. I’m a shirker at heart, okay?”

“I’ve never seen you run away,” and his glee, his elation, was bordering on rude.

“Stop…”

  Be glad he’s not upset...

“But in romance?”

“ Neji  , I don’t need to hear it,” Shikamaru whined, surprising himself with the way his words took shape and  sounded  , so small and capable of being squashed . “I didn’t know what to do about it , and I thought maybe I was wrong, and when  that wasn’t true, I felt like shit for --”

Neji smiled at the scene unfolding, and leaned in, hand gently bringing up Shikamaru’s chin to give him a small forehead kiss. “You’re so incredibly stupid.”

“You’re making me feel worse.”

“Consider it… the fee for not talking to me.”

 Neji’s fingers still lingered under Shikamaru’s chin, and the smug look crossing his features showed how much he loved watching Shikamaru scramble for his bearings.

 “I’m sorry…”

 “It’s okay, you can’t be a genius all the time.”

 He presses a kiss to Shikamaru’s lips before returning to the task at hand when he sound of boiling water started to overtake the pot it was in. Shikamaru sat back, watched, and tried his best not to stare.

~

Neji sat across from Shikamaru, and between them was a hearty meal spread across several plates and bowls. He was looking down to his food, skewering a carrot from his bowl of soup. “Were you ever going to talk with me? Ask me? I didn’t take you for being shy…”

Shikamaru felt abundantly embarrassed no matter how much time had passed, and instead of focusing on all the ways he fucked up and made himself out to be an idiot, he just took another bite of rice and savory meat and tried not to look Neji in the eye. At least, that is, until the amusement wore off and he wasn’t smiling like he was about to laugh. “It wasn’t all me, you know… I mean, even when I was panicking and dealing with my own shit, I didn’t know what to do about… if your clan has any rules or guidelines for you. I didn’t know if you could… theoretically, ah…”

 Neji spared him the explanation, knowing that diving into clan politics and unspoken rules wasn’t as easily breached as things like dinner and mission reports.

“It’s complicated, but the idea of it is that so long as I’m private, and keep my relationships private, then I have a sort of freedom for who I choose to be with. When it comes to commitments, there’s… stipulations, but it still doesn’t prevent me from choosing. If I fail in my duties to lady Hinata, then it’s another situation entirely… but that’s not a concern I have.”

“Oh. So, we can…try this?”

Neji raised an eyebrow, a small smirk following quickly. “We can try a lot of things.”

“Please, don’t… let me lick my wounds before you start in.”

Neji chuckled, skewering a strip of barbecue. “Fine, this time.”

Shikamaru sighed in relief, and felt a little better about himself. He didn’t recognize himself in his actions, so he didn’t want to question them now when he finally had what he wanted.

He looked up from his food, and found Neji just. Staring. His elbow was propped up on the wooden table and his cheek was tucked against his curled fingers so that he could continue to watch, observe, to  see .

“You’re staring.”

Neji’s brow raised a bit. “You’re always staring, I think it’s my turn.”

Shikamaru straightened his posture, just the mere thought of being so intensely observed bringing a pool of heat to his stomach. “I’m not always…”

Neji uncurled one finger from his propped hand and tapped the side of his head, just beside his eyes, as his Byakugan flashed across like a comet in the sky. “Don’t you think I’d see?”

It makes sense. Shikamaru just grumbled and returned his eyes to his food, ceding defeat.

 A couple of minutes passed, silence and eating and the clink of chopsticks or spoons against porcelain.

 It was all so sudden – no sooner had Shikamaru made up his mind about his feelings did the object of his affections also made it clear that he had feelings as well.

 He’s never been taught about this – he learned about chakra systems and how to strangle an assaulting ninja before he learned how to handle this.

 Love. Companionship. Whatever.

 “So you… you said years, right?”

 Neji looked up, mouth full. He squinted, a look of confusion overshadowing his eyes that he couldn’t yet voice.

 “You said you would have been making me food for years…”

 Neji nodded, so matter of factly, swallowing a bite-full of food.

 “So you… have had feelings, for years...”

 Another nod.

 “I don’t know how I could be so dense.”

 Neji swallowed, bringing his hand up to his mouth before speaking. “You’ve always been dense.”

 “I used to like to think I’m at least self aware! By gods, I tried to avoid you, and yet I’ve avoided this for years.”

 “You don’t have to drag yourself over the coals on this, Shikamaru – we’re here  now . That’s all that matters, not the hypothetical past, and not you coming to some sort of realization years ago. Just now.”

 Shikamaru sighed, shoulders slumping. “I know, I know – I just can’t stop thinking about it.”

 Neji’s responding smile was enough to settle the conversation. “I was okay how we were, and when I realized your feelings for me, I am now more than okay.”

 “I’m sure this will hurt my pride, but how did you realize?”

 Neji was taking another bite of pork, and he laughed before he could finish it. He swallowed and followed it with a drink of water. “You couldn’t look me in the eye for weeks, you stopped drinking with me, and you think you were somehow stealthy?”

 Shikamaru prayed for the floor to swallow him up, to crack open just enough for him to plummet into darkness. “When you put it like that…”

 “I never minded, and I would have waited forever.”

 Shikamaru’s chest swelled with warmth, and this time he didn’t avoid Neji’s eyes once they met.

 “I’ll never make you wait again.”

 ~

“I’ll be back later,” Neji said, now that their meal was done. Both he and Shikamaru already cleaned the kitchen, and stored the food that was left over in the fridge.

“You can stay, you know – no one’s gonna kick you out.”

They were outside, Shikamaru standing in the doorway and Neji facing him from the patio. Neji shook his head. “Unfortunately, I have to meet with the hokage for our weekly round table – but that’s okay, you’ve been gone too long, you should rest.”

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. “I get told I’m lazy all day long, and now I’m being told to rest. ”

Neji sighed, a full body sigh that made him visibly relax his shoulders. “You’re so much trouble, Nara.”

Then he took his hands and framed Shikamaru’s face. “Just get your lazy ass some sleep.”

Shikamaru let his feelings guide his body and gave in to that which he normally would have denied, and grabbed the hands still framing his face, light like a leaf to the ground. He nodded, not thrilled that he was leaving, but appreciating the small gesture all the same.

 “Okay, fine, Hyuuga. Didn’t want you around anyway.”

Neji’s grin was tentative, testing, like he didn’t want to give away his amusement for sake of pride. Shikamaru grinned at the expected Hyuuga reaction, and he felt a little more of his footing flatten out beneath him, like they were starting to make sense.

“See ya later, Hyuuga,” and he pressed  a small kiss to Neji’s lips, the type he knew he could give without sinking too deep into wanting more. He pulled away, separating them by a margin, and said, “Thanks for seeing through me.”

Neji’s lips peaked into a beautiful smile, painted deep shades of warmth and fondness. “Thanks for being see-through.”

Shikamaru ignored the perpetual heat in his cheeks, and as soon as Neji was gone, his return to his bed was swift and seamless.

[darkredehmption]

You’re Not a Lesser

Zsadist: [It was a hot night in the city. My shirt stuck to me from not only my sweat, but the slick blood of the enemy. I was tired as hell and in need of a shower desperately. The only problem was I told Vishous that I would collect jars tonight. We were a little short staffed with Tohr getting hurt the night before so it was just me. Which to be honest, I didn’t mind at all. Not that I didn’t enjoy being with them just sometimes I enjoyed the quiet. 

That all went out the door when I heard some rustling in an alleyway. Darting behind a dumpster, my head lifts slightly to check out what was doing. I see three dark shadows in the distance and the scent of baby powder fills my senses. Gritting my teeth as my eyes flash from gold to black. I shouldn’t be taking them on alone, but it was late and I could handle three myself. 

Moving with stealth as I step closer to the huddle. My ears twitch as I catch wind of their conversation. Their words started to confuse me. Two of the lessers spoke of another being, but I didn’t really understand what they were talking about. The word human is thrown before their attention finally turns to me as I move in to attack. 

Tossing one of my daggers at a lesser before I move to another. I could tell they were newer recruits by their features. They weren’t as pale yet. My body knocks the other down and we tumble around a bit before I gain my ground on top of him. My fist connects with his jaw a few times before my second blade comes down to hit him in the sweet spot. The bright light flashes and I let out a loud growl as I eyed the last one. He was all alone now as the other one writhed on the floor. My dark eyes narrowed at the splatter of black blood on his arm. Did my blade catch him when I threw it? I lift the one in my hand and throws it at him. I was aiming for their sweet spot but I got his shoulder. Though it was enough to make him stumble back so I can deal with the one screaming on the floor]

Hadrianus:

This city was proving far more… diverse… than I’d originally anticipated. What I’d planned to be a brief layover in a new place had turned into a longer stay, and in the midst of the city, the grungy underbelly, I’d found…

Well, honestly, I had no fucking idea what I’d found. I just knew they reeked to high heaven.

Walking the streets at night had never been an issue for me; after all, how many other people walked around with hidden fangs and claws to summon at will? But hearing these… things… harassing some poor girl, I’d stepped in. She’d taken off, and just when I thought I was going to have to get my growl on, the wind had changed. And I’d recoiled.

They’d seemed as surprised by my reaction as I was, and then they’d moved in. Surrounded me. Turns out, my fangs and claws hadn’t been half as impressive because these things weren’t human. They were too strong, too fast. Too violent. They bled black. My sides and arms hurt with the beating they’d thrown me, from where they’d grabbed me and held on, pinning me down then walking me with them as they talked. Asked questions. Spoke amongst themselves as to where they should take me as I struggled and bared my teeth.

I really fuckin’ hated surprises. But hey, I wasn’t averse to the guy that leapt out of freaking nowhere and axed one of them just like that. Black ichor spattered me as the others moved to engage, and rather than sprint for the exit I paused, watching the guy incase he needed help. I braced, ready to lunge into the fray if it meant helping him out, only he turned. Dark eyes locked with mine, and then a flick of his arm and I was reeling. My back hit the pavement.

Fuck he was fast. I’d barely twitched aside, and the blade in my shoulder, a scant few centimeters above my heart, was a testament to that. Pain flared down one side as I tried to reach for the knife, wary of shifting it too far and nicking something important. With a grimace I clawed at the ground, trying to crawl my way backward. Sure I’d been ready to stick around to help the guy, but if he thought I was an enemy too then I need to GTFO and fast.

Zsadist:

[Growling as I finish off the lesser screeching on the floor. As the white flash forms my head immediately snaps up to eye the last one. My eyes narrow then slowly go wide as I inhale the air. Not a trace of baby powder. Dropping my gaze to his wound, I watch as bright crimson blood flows down the male’s chest. Confusion shown on my face before I quickly realize that he wasn’t a lesser at all. Maybe he just had some of the enemies blood on him. The fuck did I do?! 

I injured a hostage and made a rookie mistake. Letting out a low grunt as my calloused fingers scrub over my scarred face] You’re not...one of them. [My voice echoes in the alley, chest rumbling as I speak. Slowly I stand, wondering how the hell I was going to fix this. Fuck! Pushing all my thoughts aside as I move over with my hands raised. He still had my dagger buried in his chest] I’m…[What sorry? How the hell was I going to apologize to this human. Though...he didn’t smell human. But what else could he be? A wolf? I didn’t know too much about those kind. 

Gritting my teeth before I let out a calming breath] Alright. I ah...I made a mistake, but I can help you. I know you probably don’t trust me now but I know a good doctor. Unless you want me to patch you up myself  because I can’t just let you go. It wouldn’t be right. I need to clean up this mess I made. [When I talked to him I noticed that his eyes didn’t stare at my scar which made this a lot easier. It always made me uneasy when people stared at me like I was some freak. Wiping the black blood on my hands onto my leathers]

Hadrianus:

The last of those smelly fucks blinked out of existence with a flash of light, and then the male was moving toward me. Holy fuck, this was ‘so’ not how I pictured going out. On my back in some alley not even getting a hand job for my trouble. How embarrassing.

His statement had me pausing, a sliver of hope in the darkness. 

“Uh, no,” I managed, my voice more of a growl as I fought back the Change. “I’m not… whatever the fuck they were.” 

All of my animals wanted to emerge, the fight or flight instinct screaming at me to move, to get away. I fought it all back for the human side, the logic, as the guy walked toward me with his hands raised. I flicked a glance from the hilt protruding from my chest to the male walking toward me.

“Don’t suppose you want it back right now?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted it removed, considering its proximity to my heart. Once it was out I could Change and heal, but taking it out and uh… slipping, could prove problematic. “I think a Doc might be uh… a good call,” I let out breathlessly, the edges of my vision swimming a little as I tried to sit up. 

As the obnoxious smell of the vanished demons faded, and the dark eyed stranger came closer, I got a whiff of him and stiffened all over again. Panic flared in my chest and I fought to get it under control, lest my heart rate help me bleed out faster.

Vampire. He was a fucking vampire. I should’ve known. No one moved that fast, killed so easy. Not even a shapeshifter. I was suddenly reconsidering my options as far as help, but as a shift sent a fresh lance of pain through me, and brought the blackness closer, I knew I was shit out of options.

“Doctor… please…” I panted. 

Zsadist:

[I watched the different emotions play out on the male’s face. Anger, confusion, and hurt. The way he looked at me was almost like he knew what I was. Hell maybe he did. I snorted at the thought before I nod quickly. I needed to get him to havers soon. Whatever he was he didn’t look so good] 

Alright come on. I’m gonna make this right. [I reach out to grab his arm in tight hold so I could lead him out of the alley. Vishous would fucking kill me if he knew one of my daggers was lodged into this guy’s chest. I knew that I was going to have to tell them about the mishap which didn’t sit well with me. Though if this was going to become a situation I needed to make sure everyone knew what was doing. If he wasn’t human who is to say that I could even wipe his memory. This could be a big problem.

Luckily since I was collecting jars tonight I had my car with me. I was going to take the SUV which would of been good in a situation like this, but since it was just me I didn’t think I would need the space. Heading towards the grey Porsche once we are on the street, my free hand moving around in my pocket until it comes in contact with my keys] Sorry I don’t have a bigger car. You are just going to have to suck it up. 

[Unlocking it with a push of a button then I maneuver the male into the passenger seat. Quickly jogging over to the driver’s side before I get in myself and start up the car. The engine purrs as it comes to life and I take off like a bat out of hell. I kept my lights off as I sped through traffic. Working my way around every car and even blowing through a red light that got me a few honks, but I didn’t care. Shit would not be good if you were to fucking die on me.]

Hadrian:

I was glad for the guy’s support as I staggered toward his car. A friggin Porsche of all things. Not exactly something I could lie down in to feel better, but it was better than walking to a hospital, that was for damn sure. Grimacing as I folded myself into the front seat, I leant my head back against the rest and closed my eyes. The next time I opened them, we were screaming through a red light and I wished I’d kept them closed.

“Jesus fuck man… I thought you were taking me somewhere to help me, not kill me,” I managed, glancing over at him. “...I didn’t get your name, by the way.”

I racked my brains to think if there was supposed to be a vampire den in this city, or a Master of the City, but the whole reason I’d picked Caldwell was because there wasn’t supposed to be either. So what the fuck was this cat doing here?

“Where… where are we going?” I add, glancing out the window and wishing the darkness was the night and not rapid blood loss closing in. “This… this isn’t the way to the hospital…”

Oh fuck. He was taking me somewhere else. Is that what happened when they made you an animal to call? I hadn’t even sensed him calling one of my beasts… but what if I wouldn’t? What if he just knew? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“I’ve changed my mind,” I grit out, clenching my jaw as I flexed my fingers. The nails slid free to gouge into the leather of his seat as my gums itched, fangs emerging. Belatedly, I sensed the shift, the animal waiting to burst free: Tiger. 

Zsadist:

[Snorting as I roll my now golden eyes. I give the male a sideways glance] Relax, I could literally drive you to safety with my eyes closed. [I say with my eyes still locked onto him. My name. He wanted to know my name. Do I tell him the truth? What if he knew more than he was leading on? 

Before I could even answer that he started to freak out on me big time] Whoa. [Reaching a hand off of the wheel to press it into the guy’s chest. Pushing him back roughly into the leather seat as I hold him against it] First of all we are going to a hospital that takes care of...special kind. [I say with a snort] Since you aren’t exactly human from the smell of it I doubt you want to be checked out elsewhere. Also this will all be free of charge and there won’t be any questions, cameras or humans I have to mess with. It’s the only way we are doing this if i’m the one taking you, and look at that I am. 

[I smirk wide causing my fangs to flash slightly] So just sit back and relax. [His chest rumbled a bit beneath my hand. Definitely not human that was for sure.] Look. I know it’s hard and all. I’m some stranger to you, and yes I just threw a fucking dagger at you. But I swear on the Scribe Virgin herself I won’t hurt you anymore. [Keeping my hand on his chest as my eyes shift back to the road] And it’s Zsadist. My name is Zsadist, but everyone mostly calls me Z. 

Hadrian:

Sadist? Did he say he was a sadist?

I groan softly, unable to push back against his hand on my chest, partly because of the knife, and partly because he was strong. Far stronger than anyone had a right to be. He had to be several hundred years old. Definitely more than I could handle injured.

“I don’t… really have a choice… do I?”

And then it was lights out. The darkness roared out to grab me as I pushed back the shift, and the next thing I knew the car was parked and the sadist… Z… was at the door, picking me out of the passenger seat like I was a doll. 

“Who… who is… the Scribe Virgin?” I ask absently, my voice faint as I feel the night air kissing my skin and trying to soothe the fire. “Where are we… going?”

It had been so long since I’d been so… weak. Was this what it’d been like to be human? I almost couldn’t remember. I’d spent so long as a shifter now… the strength, the power, was just a part of it. If I had still been human, I had to believe I’d already be dead.

Zsadist:

[I let out a soft growl as the male started to fade on me] Don’t you dare fucking die on me. [Shifting him in my arms as I head straight for the entrance of the hospital once we were out of the car. Watching as his lips move and he starts to speak. The poor guy was so confused. Fuck why did it have to be me. Why not another brother who could handle this better. 

Shaking the thought from my head as I make my way into the lobby] Don’t worry about it, we are here. [The nurses at the front desk eye me with wide eyes] I need a stretcher and fucking Havers! Tell him to get his fucking ass out here or the Black Dagger Brotherhood are going to be pissed! [I growl watching as two of them scramble.

Blowing out a breath as my golden eyes shift down to the guy in my arms. His eyes were almost closed] You are going to be alright. Promise you that. I wouldn’t screw you over unless you were trying to kill me or some shit. Feel me? [Hoping that the male believed in what I spoke to him.

I watch as a stretcher is wheeled over and out pops the good old doc. He was always so nervous around me. His eyes flickered to my scar every now and then but I had no time for that now.

Laying down the male as I nod to his chest] Get the fucking blade out and make sure he doesn’t bleed to death. Got it? [Haver’s hand shakes as he pushes up the bridge of his glasses then nods.

They start to wheel him off and I follow until we all came to the entrance of the operating room. Stopping in my tracks and just watching as everyone disappears. I blow out a deep breath as I parked myself in a chair in the hallway. I was debating if I should call a brother, but I wasn’t quite ready for that yet.]

Hadrian:

His voice was gentle, reassuring; a complete contradiction to his fierce demeanor and appearance as he lowered me onto a gurney. And holy fuckballs, was I thrilled about the gurney. The nurses. The doctor that looked like he was going to piss himself if the vampire so much as looked at him sideways. Another quick breath and hey, whaddaya know, everybody around me was a vampire too.

“Yay…” I mumbled to myself as I was wheeled toward a door, my eyes closing. 

I felt the gurney bang up against the doors, and then everything faded. A wash of sound, smells, punctuated the darkness. I could smell the chemical disinfectants - they stung my sensitive nose. I could feel the nurses removing clothing, cutting away my shirt to reveal the blade and the puckered skin around it.

My body was already trying to heal, but this was not a scratch or a cut or a broken bone. I wanted to tell them they just needed to take it out, that I could do the rest, but the mask over my face had me breathing in something else, and the world faded again. 

Then pain. My eyes snapped open as the blade slid free. The world came into sharp focus. The nurses exclaiming, shouting, that I was awake. The doctor frozen over me, the blade in his hand. His eyes were wide behind their glasses; I had stunned even the vampire doc. Go fig.

The Change ripped over me. Fur rippled across my skin as my bones crunched, my body shifting and writhing on the operating table. My coccyx bone extended out to create a tail as I rolled over, curling up with a cry that turned into a snarl. Then it happened in fast forward. Every bone, every muscle, every tendon, shifted. I burst into my Black Tiger form as the wet goo of a Change spattered to the floor. I wasn’t far behind, the gurney too small as I slid and landed in a heap. It was the fastest, hardest transition I’d ever done, my body desperate to heal the damage.

The knife wound had closed over, an angry red line down the front of my massive chest. And the exhaustion of a rapid, hard Change weighed me down, even as I tried to stumble to my four paws. The nurses screamed and bolted from the room, the doctor backing up against the wall. He still held the blade in one hand, coated in my blood, and the Tiger part of my brain lifted my lip in a displeased growl.

Zsadist:

[As I sat on the chair I thought about how the fuck I was going to tell my brothers. What the hell was I even going to say? I mistook this...guy who is definitely not human for a lesser and tried to kill him. Then he almost died and I took him to havers. Should I have let him die? Maybe I should have just let him figure it out on his own. Let’s face it though...that wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I made this mess. I had to fix it.

A few moments later I heard screams coming from the OR. My golden eyes go wide and I quickly get up, knocking the chair over in the process. Storming into the room as nurses push past me to get out. I was left stunned as I saw a massive black tiger in the middle of the room. Poor havers looked like he was going to pass out. 

I take in a breath before I reach out my hand] Havers...you can move over to me slowly. [I have never been face to face with a tiger before, but I have been with Rhage’s beast. It was best to not make any sudden movements. The doctor stood there frozen. Slowly I start to move over to him instead. I take the blade from his hand, wiping the blood off on my leathers then I sheath it. 

My hand clasps tightly around the doctor’s arm as I practically shoved him out of the OR. Pushing the door shut with my body as I lean against it. 

My golden eyes flicker up to the tiger. A fucking tiger. Snorting a bit with slight amusement before I scrub a hand over my scarred face] It’s okay big guy. Just you and me now. [My eyes drift to it’s chest. He was healing himself] Ah...I see why you changed there. Makes sense why you did what you did, though I believe Havers would of patched you up. Then again...this is much faster. 

Hadrian:

I was almost a little grateful when the warrior returned and evicted the doctor, reclaiming his blade. The doc stank of fear, and it only inspired every animal inside me to take a bite. Not something I wanted to do to the people that were now helping me. 

As Zsadist spoke I tilted my head to the side, watching him, and unfortunately I knew I was going to have to change back. I couldn’t exactly hold a conversation like this, and I doubted the medical staff would appreciate me wandering their halls in fur. The catch was once I changed back… that was too much in too short a time. I was basically going to be comatose. 

Letting out a huff, I shook my head and moved toward the rags that were my clothes. Looking to the vampire, I then nosed at the pocket of my jeans, and padded away. In the furthest corner of the room, I sat my butt down and concentrated. Even as exhaustion demanded I simply stay in the fur for now, I knew it was the fastest way to catch another blade. 

So I Changed.

Within seconds I was on my hands and knees, shuddering as the last of my fur receded and my tail withdrew. Then I was lifting the hundred pound weight that was my head and looking to the guy, wanting to say thank you, wanting to say ‘something’. But my throat didn’t want to work. 

Zsadist:

[I watched as the tiger moved around the room. He was so massive that he towered over everything. It was hard to understand what he wanted but as soon as he was back to normal I noticed what he was after. 

Slowly I slide off my leather jacket and takes cautious steps towards the male. He reminded me of Rhage after the beast had left his body. Shaking and naked on the ground. I lay the leather over his shoulders then murmurs in a low tone] I’m gonna find you something to put on. Hang tight. 

[With that said I exit the room in search of some scrubs. I manage to get some from a nurse who was as pale as a lesser. Kinda felt bad that they all had to witness a giant fucking tiger in their hospital. 

After I thank her for the scrubs I set off to grab some water from a vending machine. Once back in the room I find him the same way I left him. Crouching down to his level I toss the scrubs on the floor then hands him the cool bottle of water. 

Rising up I take in a deep breath then steps back to give the male some space. That shit wasn’t easy. Hell Rhage sometimes took days to recover. 

Leaning against a wall I start to ramble off a bit] My brother...he ah...turns into this big dragon like beast. When he goes back to himself...he is the same as you. Do you need an alka seltzer or something? His stomach kills him afterwards and he just hurts all over. I don’t know if it’s the same for you. 

Hadrian: 

I was barely aware of the male leaving the room until he was back, with water and clothes that weren’t shredded. Not that I trusted myself to be able to get in them just yet. Thankfully his leather coat did me the decency of hiding some ass as I took a sip from the bottle and tried not to cough. The fact I was still conscious right now was nothing short of a miracle, but I knew it wasn’t going to last. As the adrenaline faded off, I was going to crash. Hard.

“I… I can’t stay here…” I managed weakly, hating the sound of my voice and the frailty. I was never weak. I was always the strongest thing in the room. This suuuuuuucked. “I’m gonna crash. Soon. I need rest,” I mumbled, trying to find my feet and failing spectacularly as I fetched to the side. 

The vampire was there in a heartbeat, catching me before I could hit the tiled floor again. Bless.

“My wallet… my address is in there…” I forced myself to look up and meet those golden eyes. Eyes that belonged in something powerful and prowling, but confined to this incredible fighter. He wasn’t like any vampire I’d known. “Please… take me home?”

Whatever strength I’d had left in my body gave out as I sagged against him, trying to cling to consciousness with whatever fight I had left. I needed somewhere safe… I needed to recover.

And fuck, I needed a drink after this night. A really, really big one.

Zsadist:

[I watched as the male rose from his feet then stumbled forward. Quickly I moved in to catch him. He eyed me sadly then asked for me to take him home. The clock was ticking for me. The sun was coming out so that meant if I took him home I would be trapped at his house. I debated other options in my head, but deep down I knew I had to help him and not just hand him off to someone else.]

Alright. [Keeping one hand tightly on his arm as my free one dug into his pocket to retrieve his wallet. I make a quick scan of his ID, picking up on his name and other information] I’ll get you home Hadrian. 

[The hospital staff eyed us as we departed from the building. I was probably going to have to tell the brotherhood about what happened here tonight as well. Fuck me. Once we were back in the Porsche I start to speed off. I constantly kept glancing at the male. He was fading fast. 

We arrive at the building he lived in and I dart around to help him out of the car. One arm looped around his waist as we moved up the steps] You got a key? [I say as my free hand already started to dig around in his pocket again.]

Hadrian: 

I didn’t care how fast he drove now. I wanted to be home. I needed to rest, and only pure survival instincts kept me from succumbing to the screaming call of my body to sleep. When the car stopped he was at my door, and then we were staggering together toward the apartment. I could feel the shift of sunrise coming closer; the time when my tiger or wolf or leopard would slink back to their den and rest. 

His hand fumbled for my belongings in the loose scrubs stolen from the vampiric hospital, and then he had my key in hand. The tiny, nonsensical voice that yelled about some stranger coming into my nest, my retreat, was smothered by the overwhelming need to find my bed.

Then, of course, logic smacked me.

“Shit,” I mumbled. “The sun…”

The grey light of dawn was on the horizon, and my vampire attacker turned savior was out of time. In trying to repay me, protect me, he’d left himself exposed. I looked to him as we crashed into my bedroom, and gestured toward the bed.

“Shut the door. The blinds… they’re black out curtains. No... light.” I took a deep breath as my body hit the mattress and sighed in relief. Then I locked my gaze with those eyes of purest gold and managed one final word. “Stay.”

Zsadist: 

[I was in deep shit here. Maybe if I got him in quick enough I could dematerialize back home. Though the moment I saw the sun peeking from the horizon I knew it was too late. Shit. 

Once inside I help him to the bed. Doing everything he said quickly. First the door then the blinds. What if he tried to pull a fast one on me and open them? I could try to stay awake the whole time. All this rattled through my brain until I saw sleeping beauty who looked exhausted. I guess I was just going to have to trust him. He trusted me with his life and now I must do the same.

Moving over to the far corner of the room. I thought about texting Vishous to let him know I’m safe but that would bring up too many questions and I wasn’t ready to answer. So instead I just sat down, brought my knees up to my chest, and watched the tiger sleep. Soon my plan failed as my eyes started to close. I fought it for a bit before I just gave up and fell fast asleep.]