#callahan:max002

[ofviolentdeath]

@bleedtheneonfromthebitemarks continued from [X]

Max didn’t know how to answer. Not this time. There was no witty or teasing remark, no clever comeback that oozed with his usual charm and confidence. He looked tired, paler that usual, a little drawn, like he hadn’t been eating or sleeping much of late, which in truth he hadn’t, but he considered that inconsequential in the wider scheme of things. “Bad,” he answered quietly, the word hollow as he bordered on tears, an unfamiliar fear in his eyes. “I fucked up. I’ve fucked up so fucking bad and I don’t know how to unfuck it without someone getting hurt.”

It was bad enough seeing Max like that, but the tone only further set Cal on edge. He wasn't good at emotional things, struggled enough with his own, but this was Max and he always tried at least a little harder where he was concerned.

"What happened? I know I was on the other side for a bit, but...Normally I come back to at least an update on what's going on but no one has been willing to tell me anything."

Instead he had been met with something akin to pitying stares or people doing their best to look anywhere but at him and it had been enough to make his skin itch with how worried he had become.

"You look like hell."

[ofviolentdeath]

"I know," he murmured, hating himself more and more with every second.

As soon as he was certain Max was out, he dug out his phone and made a couple of calls before getting Leon's number and trying to explain everything as quickly as possible before giving up his address, knowing Max would still be out by the time Leon got there.

"I'm sorry, Max..."

“I’m so tired,” Max murmured, heaving the heaviest of sighs as he stopped fighting the feeling and went limp, his eyelids feeling heavy.

That was the last thing he said before he finally slipped under, the waking world disappearing from his senses and giving him a welcome break from his distress.

[ofviolentdeath]

Once the mug was empty, Cal gently took it from Max and set it down on the table before easing the other into lying down. He made sure Max was comfortable before grabbing the knit blanket off the back of the couch and covering him up to keep him warm.

"Rest as much as you need, okay?" he soothed, waiting for the mixture to kick in so he could call Leon.

Max did as instructed without question, the fingers moving though his hair just as soothing as the warm liquid in the mug, lulling him gently into a fuzzy, relaxed state.

He finished the whole mug before he really started to feel drowsy, though he just put it down to sheer exhaustion and being in the one place he felt safe enough to ease off the gas pedal and slow down for a moment.

[ofviolentdeath]

Cal hesitated a moment before getting up and making his way to the kitchen. The electric kettle heated fast and he knew most of the plants in this particular blend would be unfamiliar to anyone that hadn't been around the otherside much. It was his only real saving grace.

The mug was warm in his hands as he made his way back to the living room and gently pressed the mug into Max's hands.

"Drink. It'll help," he promised, still warm hands moving to card through Max's hair.

“Yeah,” Max answered, nodding again as he moved enough to let Cal get up.

If he felt like he had any choice in the matter and that Blaise wouldn’t hate him for it, Max would stay with Cal for as long as he wanted him there.

Had something in his subconscious maybe considered that Cal was the only person Max was willing to let talk him down? Maybe. Had Max reached out to subconsciously seek his help when it felt like everything else was falling apart? Almost certainly.

Everything about Max’s emotional state right now screamed a cry for help, even if he didn’t quite realise it.

[ofviolentdeath]

"Will you be okay for a few minutes so I can make you some tea?" He felt like shit knowing what he was about to do, but he didn't know what else to do. Especially when Max was curled against him like he was the only warm and safe thing in the world.

"Shh, stop that. You deserve to have someone advocate for what you need and while this is admittedly not something I'm good at, at least you listen to me."

Cal could have argued that point, argued that Max deserved better, but right now he had to focus on getting him real help.

Max had run himself so into the ground that it was inevitable he’d crash so hard, leaving him a nervous wreck and barely able to function, so it never even crossed his mind to be suspicious of Cal offering him anything to eat or drink, especially when he trusted him regardless.

When Cal suggested he stay just a little while until he calmed down, Max nodded, curling against him and seeking comfort despite that having not really been something either of them were known for.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this,” he sniffled, genuinely distraught that he’d made such a mess of things with Cal.

“You deserve better than me…”

[ofviolentdeath]

"Shhh, don't think about that. Get yourself right and then tell him with medical support there to make sure you're okay."

He didn't give a damn about how Blaise would feel in all of this, all Cal cared about was Max. And if Max didn't think he could do it alone, well, Cal would just have to make good on his threat and call Leon.

"Right now all you need to do is stay here. Let me make you some tea to help calm you down a bit so you can call your therapist, okay?"

What he wasn't saying was that, while the tea would calm Max down, it would also knock him out and give Cal the time to get Leon there to make sure he would be okay.

Somewhere deep down, Max knew Cal was right, but denial had been the only thing carrying him forward lately with everything else going on.

Not to mention he too was still in withdrawals and more so than he wanted anyone to know because it just didn't seem all that logical for having only tasted ichor once, and in such a small amount, but with Max's already damaged state, the addiction had simply dug hooks into existing holes.

"He's gonna hate me if I walk away again," Max whined, knowing all too well what Blaise had thought of him the last time he'd needed to step away for the sake of his own sanity.

"I don't think I can do any of this on my own. It hurts, worse than anything else ever has and I'm fucking terrified. I don't know how to fix it."

[ofviolentdeath]

Cal had been trying to keep some distance between the two of them, especially if Max was back with Blaise, but the heart-wrenching sobs had that resolve shattering. He moved, arms wrapped around Max as he all but pulled him into his lap, unsure of what else he was supposed to do here.

"What you need is to get better again, Max. What you need is stop throwing your whole life away for someone that wouldn't do the same for you."

Cal didn't doubt that Blaised loved Max in his own way, but he wasn't willing to change or try to be better for Max and Max deserved better than that.

Max still felt backed against a wall when it came to Blaise but as deep into a spiral as he was, something inside him was fighting to keep Cal and subconsciously he’d do just about anything to do it.

“I want you too,” he admitted finally, continuing to disintegrate before the other.

“I know I should have said something sooner… I…”

Max was sobbing, caught up in the conflict of his own mind and the web of guilt he’d trapped himself in.

“I need you!”

[ofviolentdeath]

"Don't be sorry, Max. Call your therapist. Get your head right again before Blaise gets you killed."

Maybe it was harsh but sometimes harsh was what a person needed and he was willing to bet nearly anyone else would have tried simply reasoning him about Blaise while neglecting the fact that Max was clearly in a spiral of his own.

"I don't want apologies, I want you and I want you to be okay and you are clearly not o-fucking-kay right now."

The threat had Max tensing, believing Cal would absolutely follow through on it if he didn't do what was asked of him.

"Okay," he replied, nodding and sniffling again.

Max may not have been willing to listen to anyone else who had tried to talk him down, but Cal was different, and if he was telling him that he needed help again because he clearly wasn't thinking straight, Max would do it because Cal meant so damn much to him.

"I'm sorry I fucked everything up so bad..." he whimpered, breaking down. "I'm so fucking sorry."

[ofviolentdeath]

"Call your therapist, Max, or so help me, I will call your dad."

Did he like the prospect of talking to Leon and filling him in on all of this? Absolutely fucking not but the alternative seemed to be letting Max get himself killed and Callahan couldn't just sit there and do nothing to stop that.

Not when he cared. Not when he had thought, at one time, that maybe he could fall for someone like Max.

"Take it from someone that has spent his entire life trying to burn bridges while still standing on them, you need help."

Max had honestly thought he was doing better, that he was okay enough that he didn't need his meds anymore or to keep showing up to therapy because he felt fine and he was handling his shit.

Of course he hadn't noticed himself backsliding because that was just the way his condition worked, tricking him into thinking that just because he felt like he was okay didn't mean he was okay enough to go it alone without the support he so clearly and desperately needed, and this latest crisis had just thrown that into stark relief.

"I dunno... Six months, maybe?" he answered, suddenly feeling like a kid getting scolded. "I haven't been keeping track."

[ofviolentdeath]

"No, it's not."

It was taking everything in Cal not to kick Max out and cut ties entirely. It had always been easier to push people away than to lose them through other means. If it was his choice, it would hurt less. Or so Cal had spent his entire life trying to convince himself.

"You are not the reason your brother is the way he is. Anyone with even half a brain cell would tell you that. For fucks sake, Max, when did you quit therapy? Because this is more self-destructive than even me and that's fucking terrifying."

"Better me than him..."

The comment was quiet, barely more than a whisper, and Max was a little choked up, only weakening the words further.

For all his charm and apparent confidence, if anyone really looked hard enough, they'd see through the act and notice that Max was barely holding it together even on a good day, so for him to keep arguing against logic was a dangerous sign.

"No, it's not. Not when I'm the reason Blaise is the way he is."

[ofviolentdeath]

"He's going to get you killed, one way or another."

It almost didn't matter at this point if it was something Blaise did or if Max took that matter into his own hands, the outcome would be the same. He wondered if Max had considered that or if anyone else had tried to intervene.

"Max...your life is worth more than this. You have to know that. Hell, I know that and I'm shit with emotional stuff."

"I don't have a choice. If something happened to him, I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

That was a sobering thing to say out loud, especially given that Max had suffered from suicidal ideation before due to everything with Blaise, so for him to be admitting that he was in a headspace where he saw that as the only conclusion if he walked away again said a lot about the fact that he wasn't nearly as stable currently as he'd appeared to be, and all this new mess with Blaise had knocked him sideways.

[ofviolentdeath]

"Of course it fucking matter what you want! You shouldn't have to sacrifice what you want to save someone that doesn't want to be saved, Max."

Cal knew money wasn't an issue, Max's family was well off enough that they could easily afford to get Blaise into therapy but Blaise, as far as Cal knew, had no interest in trying to get better himself. Which seemed to put Max into this cycle that there was no way out of.

"His choices are not your fault. What he does is on him, not on you. And anyone that tells you otherwise is only enabling his shit. For fucks sake, even I'm putting in more effort to deal with my shit than your brother does. He doesn't want to change and you know it. This isn't going to be any different than the last time."

If Max could have it any other way, he'd do so in a heartbeat, but he didn't know any other way to fix Blaise without throwing himself completely into it, no matter how much it might damage Max in return as he figured that he was strong enough to fix himself again once they were out the other side of this mess.

"It doesn't matter what I want," he muttered desolately, shaking his head, looking like a man on death row. "I can't have what I want and save Blaise at the same time."

"If I don't do this, Blaise is either gonna keep hurting people until he kills someone, or he's going to end up dead, and I can't handle either of those outcomes because the blood will be on my hands."

[ofviolentdeath]

"I know."

But that didn't make it any easier. Not when Callahan would have done nearly anything when it came to Max. Not when Max was one of the few people he had allowed himself to form any kind of genuine attachment to over the last few years.

No, if anything, that made this whole mess ache in a way he hadn't really experienced since he was a kid and he hated that all the more.

"That still doesn't answer what you do want. What do you want, Max? Actually want?"

If he knew that this was something the other wanted then maybe it would be easier to walk away, to not worry, but he had a feeling that wasn't the case and he hated that too.

Max couldn't argue with that, knowing full well that he'd deliberately avoided answering the question Cal had asked.

The response Cal gave him came as no surprise, though it was the answer Max had feared he would get, breaking his own heart in the process, and if he was honest, Max wouldn't want Cal ending up in Blaise's crosshairs after the incident that had driven the brothers apart in the first place as Max still couldn't trust that history wouldn't repeat itself.

Especially when he was choosing to walk back into the fire.

Still, hearing it out loud stung enough to have tears spilling down Max's face when he blinked, sniffling slightly as he accepted that he couldn't have it both ways.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I never wanted any of this to happen, and I never wanted to hurt you. You know that, right?"

[ofviolentdeath]

"That's not what I asked."

Max could try to dodge all he wanted, but Cal was fae and when a being couldn't lie, they learned how to play word games to achieve the same results. It was one of the things that Naoise had made sure he understood from the time Cal had come to him and Blake.

"I can't be involved when it comes to Blaise, Max."

He knew how unstable Blaise was, knew what he had done in the past and even more recently, and it was not a risk Cal was willing to take. It didn't matter how he felt about Max, not when Blaise was that much of a loose cannon.

Max knew, logically, that what he had with Blaise would always be incredibly toxic for the both of them, and that doing this was likely going to obliterate his mental health all over again, but the thought of leaving Blaise to his own devices and the worst happening was completely unbearable to him.

"....I don't wanna lose him," Max answered, dodging the part about what he wanted as he was in the kind of headspace where he believed that what he wanted didn't matter as long as he could save Blaise.

If he could save Blaise.

"But I don't wanna lose you either," he confessed, gaze turning to Cal, filled with an almost begging look.

[ofviolentdeath]

"Oh."

The word was quiet, understanding filling his features as he picked at a loose thread on the sleeve of his shirt. He hadn't been expecting that to be the answer or for Max's self-blame to run that deep or go back that far.

"Is...is being with Blaise again what you want?"

Max all but collapsed onto the couch, his whole body sagging under the weight of the turmoil he was in.

“The only way I could convince Blaise to let Robbie go was to offer myself up in his place,” he murmured, knowing that Cal had at least a working knowledge of the past relationship between Max and Blaise, though there were still things Max hadn’t mentioned that probably needed to be explained now for context.

“It’s my fault because Blaise spiralled hard after I left him. It’s like he’s had a death wish since then, and the only way I can save him is by not walking away a second time.”

[ofviolentdeath]

He patted the spot next to him on the couch, wanting Max to at least be comfortable even if just in the physical sense.

"Do I want to know what you mean by stepped in?" Probably not but he had to ask.

There was likely no good answer that Max could give if Blaise was involved. Nothing good seemed to ever come from Blaise's actions and Cal did his best to avoid him as much as he possibly could.

"How is it your fault? You're not responsible for your brother's choices anymore than Brandon is responsible for mine."

“I don’t even know where to start trying to explain it all,” Max admitted, shaking his head and looking more than a little lost.

“It’s Blaise. He got into a situation with Chance’s youngest and if I hadn’t have stepped in, he would have either killed Robbie or ended up dead.”

That was a gross oversimplification by a long way but it was the most direct answer he could give while trying to piece his thoughts together.

“Honestly, I’m not even sure if he’s gonna make it through the shit that’s going on now either, and it’s all my fault.”