#call me easily triggered but it legit makes me so uncomfortable on a good day and makes me spiral on a bad one

[vyeoh]

I'm being 100% serious one of the worst things stan culture has done is making suicide jokes commonplace again

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[breakingsomething]

the fall part eleven - remembering

basic summary: jackie and aaron make some decisions, and anti and marvin have a conversation.

trigger warnings: hypnotism

tagslist: @synonymsforzombie @spicydanhowell @skyewardlight @dreaming-of-stories-and-stars @cest-mellow

"...you're sure this is the place?"

jackie shot aaron a glare. "uh, yeah, i've come here basically every other day for like, three years. also, you've literally been here before, remember? i know -" he paused to knock angrily on the door yet again. "- what i'm doing."

aaron sighed noisily, flopping down on the steps next to jackie. "ok, sure. but i don't think he's bloody in, so there's really no point in continuing the knocking."

they'd been sitting in front of this one house for ten minutes already, jackie banging on the door impatiently the whole time. he was starting to get annoyed; where was he, he was barely ever out! "i swear, i'm gonna kill him," jackie said through gritted teeth. his whole body hurt after their fight with the magician, and he knew aaron had gotten the brunt of it. "the one time this bitch isn't in is the one time i really need him." he sat down next to aaron, sighing. "ok, that's not true, i've needed him worse before when i've literally been on the brink of death and whatnot. but i mean… hm. are you ok?"

aaron nodded stiffly and smiled, though he was clutching his chest where he'd been kicked. "i'll be ok, yeah, absolutely. what about you?"

"i didn't ask if you would be ok, i asked if you were ok," jackie said. he wrapped an arm around his boyfriend, pulling him close. aaron laughed softly, letting his head fall into jackie's shoulder. jackie kissed the top of his head before pausing. "i'm - i'm sorry this happened."

"no, it's my fault," aaron mumbled. "i lied to you, i… i should have just told you where the necklace came from. i really just wanted to help you."

"i know," jackie murmured. he shivered in the cold evening air. "thank you for that."

on cue, all the streetlamps popped on, lighting up the buildings. they could see a man in a green jacket walking not far off, someone jackie immediately recognized. "is that him?" aaron asked as jackie stood up, unlacing his arm from around him. "jackson?"

"think so. hey, curro!" jackie called. the man's head snapped up, and a grin lit up his face when he saw who was calling him.

"jb!" he cried, and awkwardly jogged over to his gate, jackie wincing at the piercing creak it made as it opened. "dude, i haven't seen you in - months!"

curro ran up the path and threw his arms around jackie, laughing in his ear as his dreadlocks tickled his face. something stirred in jackie's chest; guilt, maybe. he breathed in deeply, blinking sudden tears away. "sorry," he said softly. "i've had a lot on my mind."

he pulled away, suddenly unable to take the pain. "curro, man, i - i missed you," he choked out, wrapping his arms around his own chest. curro grinned warmly, his dark eyes suddenly brightening as he spotted aaron behind him.

"oh hey, i remember you!" he said cheerfully. aaron jumped, pushing himself to his feet as curro marched over and held out a hand for him to shake. aaron forced a grin, accepting the gesture stiffly. "i treated you for a stab wound nearly a near ago, did i not? fantastic to see you, man."

he turned round again as aaron went to stand by jackie's side, shifting uncomfortably. curro's smile faded. "so, uh - are you hurt? what are you guys doing here? actually, come inside, it's cold as hell out here."

curro opened the door and they went inside politely as he held it open for them. his house hadn't changed a bit since jackie had last seen it several months ago; still cramped and brightly coloured, full of old vintage knickknacks and smelling faintly of apple pie. he led aaron to the living room, which still had the same shiny couches and tiny tv on its pink tv stand. "nice to see you still haven't redecorated, doc," jackie said teasingly as he sat down on one of the couches, aaron gingerly perching on the seat next to him. curro laughed again, turning on the light and casting the room in a yellow glow.

"hey, fuck you. my house is lovely." then he plopped onto a small armchair, frowning and looking suddenly serious. "anyway. are you two ok? why were you waiting for me to come back?"

jackie bit his lip, figuring that the easiest way to do this would be to just rip the bandaid off. "my brothers kicked me out, and… neither me nor aaron have a place to stay."

that was partially true. aaron did have his own flat, but the organization he'd belonged to had his address and could find them easily there. and there was no way jackie dared to even go near his brothers again, despite the secret upper hand he had on hecate now. that would be a bad idea. although, maybe this had been one too.

"i - are you, uh, suggesting you stay here?" curro said uneasily, scratching his arm. jackie gave a small, jerky nod, and curro blew the breath out of his cheeks. "ok, uh. listen, jb, i love you very much, but i dunno if i have space. also, being around people 24/7 isn't exactly my thing -"

jackie had been afraid of this. "it wouldn't be for too long," he interrupted, shifting forward in his seat to get closer to his friend. "i swear, we'll find a place soon enough, but we legit don't have anywhere to go right now. you wouldn't just kick us to the curb, would you?"

curro made a small noise of discomfort. "well… i… i don't know, man."

"you've let me stay over before," jackie protested.

"that was different," curro said. he looked from jackie to aaron to jackie again. "you two - are you together, i take it?"

jackie was about to say something when aaron interrupted. "we are," he said firmly. jackie didn't turn to look at him, but he was sure aaron could feel his glare. curro nodded, clicking his tongue softly.

"yeah, that's kinda the thing. i don't wanna end up being a third wheel in my own home," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. he gave jackie an apologetic look. "i'll - i'll try to help you as best i -"

"but that's not enough!" jackie suddenly shouted. he sat forward even more, curro flinching back slightly. "you don't understand, we could get in trouble if we're found!"

"by - by who?" curro spluttered. he looked almost scared, eyes darting back and forth. "jb, are you - dude, are you in trouble with the police or something? cause you definitely can't stay here if so, i could get done too for practicing medical care without a fucking license!" he suddenly stood up, holding both hands in front of him. "i can't get involved in -"

"but you'll help," jackie said calmly. he got to his feet too, looking right at curro. "you will help us."

"babe, what… are you doing?" aaron asked, confused. jackie didn't turn round, staring into curro's umber eyes. he didn't break contact. curro looked terrified, trying to step back but being stopped by the chair he'd just been sitting in.

"you're going to let me and aaron stay here while we find a place to stay," jackie told him. curro opened his mouth like he was going say something, but his eyes suddenly unfocused, the light in them dimming slightly. jackie felt the necklace against his chest grow warmer, pulsing in time with his heartbeat. "you're going to let us stay here without question and then when we leave, you'll forget you ever didn't want us to stay."

"yes," curro murmured, his posture relaxing as his mind emptied. jackie smiled softly as curro leaned forward, his hair brushing jackie's chin. "i understand, yeah."

jackie stepped back, touching curro's shoulders gently. "good," he said softly. his heart was racing. "good, good, i'm glad."

aaron stood, slowly stepping over to look at curro. "what… what did you do?"

"i think i hypnotized him," jackie said, slightly amazed. curro didn't move, staring straight ahead at nothing. jackie unconsciously touched his chest, almost jerking away at how hot it was. the skin around it felt numb and tight, like a burn. "anti could do that. i must have… i've… never been able to do that."

"well, an stiùiriche did say that the necklace was a powerful weapon. maybe it… siphoned off anti's power somehow." aaron took jackie's hand tightly. "is he just gonna... stay like this?"

they watched curro sway on the spot. "i wouldn't think so," jackie said uncertainly. his stomach was suddenly rolling, his head light. "it's - it's ok! we have a place to stay now." he whipped round to face aaron, suddenly unable to face the dazed man in front of him. "we can stay here. your organization won't find us and we'll be fine, just fine. isn't that great? we're sorted, babe."

aaron gave a small, wavering smile, his eyes flickering back to curro and dimming worriedly. "yes, it's great," he said with false cheer in his voice. "just great."

jackie noticed the uneasiness in his tone. but he didn't acknowledge it. he was too afraid of what would happen if he did.

-

"i want to go back to the music shop."

marvin blinked. "i'm sorry, sign that again?"

anti sat straight up in his chair, looking marvin dead in the eyes. "i want to go back to the music shop."

they were in one of the main hecate dining rooms, tucked away at a table in the corner with lunch in front of them. anti was once again well enough to get out of bed ("it won't bloody last, so might as well do whatever while i'm fucking functioning," he had said), so he and marvin had been talking more for the past two days, walking around the areas of hecate they were allowed in and not much else. marvin wasn't sure why he was still talking to him, but he at least wasn't hiding it from chase and henrik anymore. not that henrik had been too pleased, but they'd made up and that was what mattered. it had been a long time since marvin had been on speaking terms with both his brothers, and he was enjoying the temporary ceasefire. even if he now had to deal with… whatever this was. "why the fuck would you want to go back there?"

anti shrugged. his cast had long been taken off, but he was still signing pretty much one handed, and even his shrug looked lopsided. "just want to."

"that's not something people usually do, i don't think," marvin said, sipping his cola with a raised eyebrow. "visiting the sites of their trauma."

anti rolled his eyes. "no "trauma,"" he said, somehow managing to incorporate sarcastic air quotes into the sign. "i wanna burn the fucking place down again."

marvin sighed, shaking his head. "let's not do that." then he took in what anti had said. "wait, again?"

anti nodded, face unreadable. "yeah. the place mysteriously burned down a few years ago, in late 2016. the place was supposedly haunted afterwards. all very weird." he swirled his spoon through his soup, pretending not to notice marvin's expression. "very weird indeed."

"was that you?" marvin exclaimed. anti widened his eyes dramatically in mock surprise.

"i would never commit arson," anti signed sincerely. "that's illegal."

marvin frowned. "you've… you've killed people."

"i have," anti said, accidentally tossing a carrot out of his soup across the table.

a small snort escaped marvin in his shock. "last i checked, murder was illegal?"

anti looked marvin dead in the eyes. "define illegal."

the ridiculous conversation ended when marvin saw someone jogging up to their table, a huge grin on the man's face. "marvin!" cried lucas, startling anti so much he dropped his spoon and promptly began coughing wildly on his soup. "didn't think i'd see you here, much less with - hey, anti. you remember me?" he laughed. "if i had a nickel for every time i've had to drive you somewhere while you were unconscious, i'd have like, two nickels."

anti flipped him off, yanking his hood over his head and placing his forehead on the table, still coughing.

"good to see you, dude," marvin said with a small smile. he and lucas had pretty quickly become friends, despite marvin's original first impressions of him being annoying and generally frustrating. the guy was really sweet, though. he was somehow even nice to anti, who very much did not return the kindness. then, marvin had a very sudden idea. "speaking of driving anti places… can you take us downtown? we've got somewhere to visit."

anti glanced up from the table curiously, eyebrows furrowed. marvin flashed a grin at him while lucas sighed, taking off his glasses and cleaning them on his shirt.

"i… i dunno," he hesitated. "i don't think… i'm allowed. you know, considering anti's whole - his whole killing people thing. i don't think he's allowed to leave."

"i can make it so you never drive again if you want," anti signed into his soup. marvin didn't translate.

"please, lucas?" he pleaded. "you're the only guy i trust around here. and the place has been on lockdown since - so you're the only one who can take us."

no one commented on how marvin didn't say "since jackie and aaron broke into hecate and kidnapped raymond". lucas just sighed, visibly wilting. "fine," he groaned. "but you owe me, marvin, i swear to our holy god."

that was a bonus of being friends with "the chauffer of hecate" - he was able to get in and out much easier, no one even checking to see if he was harbouring a fugitive. "wow," anti signed as lucas's car slipped out the gates, amazed. "security is pretty lax. i don't know how i never broke in here before."

marvin blinked. "what?"

"nothing," anti said, grinning as he looked out the window. marvin frowned, but decided not to question anything anymore.

anti did, however, go very silent as lucas drove them up right outside the music shop. now that marvin took a closer look, it did look as though it had been on fire once. he wasn't sure how he hadn't noticed that the first couple times he was here; stress, probably. "here we are," lucas said as he stopped the car. "do you want me to wait outside until you're, uh, done?"

a single look at anti's face told marvin no. "we'll be ok," he said, thanking lucas on the way out. anti slammed the door a little too hard before marching to the front of the shop, and marvin gave the other man an awkward grin. "sorry."

"no problem," lucas smiled back. "tell chase i said hey."

marvin was about to ask why, but decided against it. instead, he followed anti, who was already pushing at the broken doors. "are you sure you wanna do this, dude?"

anti didn't bother with a response. he just kicked the doors fully open and stepped inside. the shop was still dirty and dim, a layer of debris and ash covering all the surfaces. they both stepped over it silently, shoes crunching over the mess. the two of them just stood there for a moment, thinking different thoughts.

"do you want to go see them… the room?" marvin asked. "i don't know if you would, but… yeah."

anti still stayed quiet. he was walking slowly down the aisles of broken shelves, looking around. when he got to the place where the cash register was, he paused, leaning over to grab something. when he tuned round, he was holding a dirty, off yellow scarf in his hands.

"yours?" marvin asked after a beat. anti just kept looking at it, face blank. then he sank down to the floor, staring straight ahead with unfocused eyes. marvin considered a few options before opting to plop down next to him, just a little ways away so as not to freak him out. "anti? you good?"

anti's breathing had quickened slightly, and he didn't turn to look at marvin at all. he decided to just wait until anti was ready to talk, which wasn't for another five or so minutes, when he said, "you know, i never expected to end up here again."

marvin scrunched up his face in confusion. "hey, you wanted to come here."

anti shook his head. "i know. i meant before."

marvin had no clue what he was talking about, but figured it best not to ask. anti kept going. "i don't think he knew. he can't have. it was a complete coincidence he picked this place to hold me, and that's the worst part. he didn't know what he was doing."

anti leaned back on the wall, eyes closed and holding the scarf tightly in his hands. "it's funny, isn't it," he said, a strangled laugh escaping his lips. "how much five months can change someone. i think all it did was make me angrier."

that took marvin a second to process. "five - wait, he had you in here for - for five -"

he couldn't continue. his head was suddenly spinning, trying to mentally rewind five months to the beginning of january. five months jackie had held anti here? since right after christmas? five whole months, almost half a year, he'd been sneaking off after making popcorn and dancing round the room to britney spears to go beat the shit out of their older brother. marvin was going to be sick.

anti was signing again. marvin hadn't seen what he was saying. "- fucked up. if it had been anyone, i would have said it would be you," he was saying. "really, red was the last one on my most-likely-to-be-evil list. it's amazing what a little corruption can do to someone."

marvin swallowed back bile. he felt like he was going to pass out, even sitting down, so he let his head fall to his chest and breathed, in, out, in, out. he couldn't see anti's hands anymore. "fuck," he sobbed softly. "i didn't know - i didn't -"

it was another few minutes before he could sit up again. when he did, anti was looking bored, tossing ash from the ground into the air. upon seeing marvin's face again, he rolled his eyes. "you finished?" he signed with stained black hands. black hands like jackie's. like the magic jackie had used. fuck, fuck, everything was managing to set him off today, wasn't it.

"yeah, maybe. i think. i don't know." marvin scrubbed at his face furiously with his sleeve. "fuck. i don't know."

"...ok. well, there's my cue to leave." anti got to his feet unsteadily, swaying slightly and grabbing the broken counter for support. "i came here for a pity party of my own, not to listen to you whine. see you."

"wait!" marvin pushed himself up, grabbing anti's shoulder before he fell. and that was his mistake. anti let out a strangled noise of shock and shoved marvin away, hard, almost so roughly that he fell to the floor again. they stared at each other for a moment, waiting. anti's eyes were wide with what looked like panic before he covered up and shot marvin a disgusted glare, turning on heel and racing out the shop without another word.

marvin watched him go. it seemed all he did was watch people go lately. and as anti left, marvin couldn't help the unpleasant sensation that maybe jackie had hurt anti worse than he'd let on.

-

with the end of august came a chill that forced jackets and scarves back to the front of everyone's wardrobes and caused the council to open the grit bins early and salt the streets. it was an incredibly sudden change from the heat of summer that had literally just passed several weeks ago. jackie didn't mind, though. he always preferred cold weather. he enjoyed layering up his clothes and not getting weird looks for it.

he and aaron had been at curro's for a full week now, and the hypnotism hadn't been that great. occasionally, curro would snap out of it and get scared, so jackie would have to immediately put him under again. it wasn't fun, to say the least. but jackie squashed down his disgust and guilt at watching his friend's eyes go unfocused at a simple touch and a few words. he had more important things to worry about.

"so are we finally going to see… the thing?" he said to aaron one morning while they were walking around town. they never left curro's for very long - they could be recognized, or curro might come to his senses while they weren't there to fix it - but today they were quite far from his house, next to a usually active park that was frosted over and left untouched. jackie wandered over to an abandoned swingset, flinching at how cold the chains were.

"the hecate thing? i would say so," aaron said. he sat on the swing next to jackie, yelping as his hands brushed the metal. "jesus shit, that's cold. do you know how to get into it?"

"i suppose i'll have to figure it out," jackie said. he pushed off the ground, making a crunching sound in the frost. "otherwise we broke into hecate for nothing."

"not necessarily," aaron said. "you definitely got revenge on your brother's ex. and who knows, maybe -" he flinched. "- the organization will appreciate him and change their minds about… you."

jackie snorted. "not likely. i did try and kill your, uh, leader guy."

"not my leader anymore," aaron mumbled. he turned his head away, gripping the chains tightly with white fingers. "and yeah, he seemed pretty pissed off. but hey, that raymond guy is definitely gonna think twice before cheating on anyone else, huh?"

"mm. if they keep him alive," jackie muttered skeptically. on that note, they just swung for a while, not a person in sight to judge them. it was peaceful. quiet. jackie was beginning to get used to the quiet.

"so you wanna try?" aaron eventually said, startling jackie. he stood from his seat, swinging round the centre pole to face jackie. "there's no one around here. we can go into the trees if you want."

jackie smirked. "that sounds a lot different out of context," he said, trying to hold back a laugh.

aaron made a face. "get your mind out the gutter and let's go break into a magical organization, dumbass." he stretched out a hand for jackie to take. "get up."

hand in hand, the two went into the tree, completely hidden from everyone. "are you sure this is a good idea?" jackie asked uncertainly. "if we leave a magical signature, it could be traced."

"that's why it's best that we're away from your friends place," aaron said with a grin. "they'll trace it back here and we'll be long gone. see, i do think of everything."

the worst part was that the "they" that was trying to find them could be any of multiple people. neither one of them joked about it.

jackie took a deep breath, listening to the necklace hum softly on his chest. he was painfully conscious of aaron's eyes on him as he raised his hands in the air, trying to channel his magic through his veins.

"stop watching me like that," jackie snapped, feeling his face getting hot. "i can't focus."

"sorry, sorry," aaron said, and he turned round to look into the trees. jackie felt the necklace throbbing, almost painfully. it wasn't just his face that was getting warm; it was his whole body, heating up like a radiator. his skin began to darken to a musty grey, then to a charcoal black. his breath hitched at the sight of how inhuman he suddenly looked, how inhuman he suddenly felt.

"you ok back there?" aaron asked. he turned just slightly to see what was happening. "you're taking a while to -"

and then everything seemed to explode.

at first it was outwards, ripping through the trees with thick black shadows that cut like knives, and then it pulled itself inwards, all the power collapsing back onto jackie like a star turning into a black hole. jackie cried out at the sudden pressure on his body, falling to his knees and holding his arms in the air as through he had any control. it was too much. too much. too much too much he couldn't take the power -

and then they were in the void.

"holy shit," aaron breathed. he was on the floor, or what should have been a floor but wasn't, and got to his feet shakily. both his arms were outstretched like he was worried he was going to fall. "you - you really did it, dude, you did it." he looked up, and his face fell upon seeing jackie. "shit, are you alright?"

jackie coughed, tapping the space under his nose and feeling. "'m'ok," he managed, letting aaron help him stand on trembling legs. "fuck. we did it. we did it."

"you did it," aaron corrected. "you were the one that tore a hole in hecate's defences and created a hidden hole in the fucking universe so we could get in. all i did was kidnap some magician."

that had been their plan from the beginning. jackie had read about portal paths in marvin's spellbooks, and this black void was basically his own version of that. he'd needed to get into hecate instelf to craft the other end, creating an entrance and an exit for him and aaron. kidnapping raymond had just been a distraction, and also an attempt to get on the good side of aaron's organization. which hadn't worked, but it didn't matter. they'd done the main thing, and that was what was important.

there didn't appear to be anything around. no exits or entrances. "so how do we get into hecate through this?" jackie panted, wiping his face with his sleeve and clinging to aaron's arm. the necklace was still beating fast, perfectly in time with his heart as usual. he touched it gently, breathing hard.

"it's your void thingy. you should know," aaron said. he spun in a circle, bringing jackie with him. "i can't believe it actually worked. i know it was my idea, but still. we actually have a permanent path to hecate and what is more or less a hideout should anyone come looking for us. this is - this is legitimately incredible."

jackie wasn't listening to him anymore. he was staring, wide eyed, at something he could see in the distance. or whatever distance an empty black void could have. and that was the thing; he shouldn't have been able to see anything at all, much less the shape of someone laying on the ground.

"oh fuck," aaron said, but jackie was already freeing himself from his arms and racing over to the person's side. it was a man, with curly black hair and a thick beard, and an industrial piercing through his left ear. he was wearing a black jacket and jeans, and he was very pale, chest not moving. jackie clapped his hand over his mouth and gave a short, muffled scream at the sight.

"it's a person. ohhh my god it's a person," aaron declared loudly, voice rising in pitch. "fucking - how - how, jackson, how is there a person in here? is he… hecate? did we accidentally suck him in? jackson?"

jackie couldn't move. his head was spinning with sudden memories, flashes of things he didn't remember - voices, a person, a feeling of utter terror -

"hey, what are you doing in here? this is trespassing, sir, you can't be here. what are you doing - sir, excuse me -"

"jackson?"

"i remember him," jackie blurted, his eyes blurring. he flailed his hands like they'd fallen asleep, panic suddenly rising. "i did something, i don't know what, i can't remember, but i did remember -"

he sank to the dark floor again, just staring at the unmoving man sprawled out in front of him. aaron gently placed a hand on jackie's shoulder and turned him to face him. "hey, hey, calm down. who and what do you remember? do you know this guy?"

"i don't know," jackie gasped, shaking his head. "i don't know, i don't remember -"

"how can you not remember?" aaron asked, a hint of frustration in his voice. "jackson -"

"aaron, i don't know!" jackie yelled. he buried his face in his hands. "i - i keep forgetting things, i keep hurting and i keep hearing voices that aren't mine and i don't know what's happening to me and i'm scared!"

aaron held him tightly as jackie sobbed into his shoulder, shaking violently. "it's ok, man, it's ok," he soothed softly, stroking his back gently. "an stiùiriche did say that - that the necklace could have some bad effects. i don't know what. maybe it's affecting your… memory. how long have you been forgetting things?"

"don't know," jackie said again. he sniffled, not wanting to turn round and see the man again. "i don't, it's all been such a blur. i feel like i remember him from somewhere, i have memories of him but i don't think they're mine -"

"i know things," someone said, the man, alive, tapping the side of his head. "that's one thing i'm good at. knowing things. clairvoyance, it's called." he plucked the strings of a guitar, the noise reverberating around jackie's head. "so your name's not jack?"

"jackson," said aaron, snapping jackie back to the present. he looked up and stared into aaron's soft green eyes, trying to memorize them. "you're ok, you're here with me."

he broke eye contact to glance behind jackie, then suddenly let out a shriek, pushing himself backwards with a look of shocked disgust on his face. "what?" jackie said, whipping round just in time to see the man silently stand, face void of any emotion and staring somewhere far away.

"fucking christ!" jackie cried, following aaron's lead in scrambling to his feet and stepping back away from the man. he was still pale, brown eyes dead and unfocused. he looked like a fucking zombie.

"i...hello?" jackie said uncertainly. he waved a hand in front of the man's face. without warning, the man's mouth began moving, almost robotically.

"hello," he repeated in a deadpan scottish accent. aaron made a small whimpering noise, clutching jackie's arm.

jackie took a shaky breath, his fingers absentmindedly brushing against his necklace. it was embedded even deeper in his skin now, pulsing with heat. "who," he said softly, looking the man in the eyes. "are you?"

"my name is rhudy o'donnell," he said flatly. a flicker of recognition flared in jackie's mind. someone had said that name, but was it to him?

"now, jack," said a man, his image blurred slightly like an illusion. "my name's rhudy, pronounced roo-dee, it's great to meet you. you told me you know a bit of guitar already?"

"he knew you," jackie mumbled. he suddenly lifted a hand and touched the man's face. "didn't he?"

"jackson," called aaron, sounding uncertain. "we - we should really go soon. but, uh - how did he get in here? who is he, do you remember?"

jackie stared right at the man - rhudy, strange how familiar he was - and felt his body burn, eyelids heavy like he was falling asleep.

"aaron," he said quietly. "i think we may have an advantage."

end act two - heads and tails

[sarahjane0886]

Fix a Heart 21

Chapter 21 - Tin Man

Author's Note: Okay, so if you guys don't know this song, I suggest listening to it. It's by Miranda Lambert. I'll add a link to a YouTube Video at the bottom for anyone who wants to. Fair warning the song legit makes me sob even when I'm completely happy. But it's beautiful.

Hey there Mr. Tin Man

You don't know how lucky you are

You shouldn't spend your whole life wishin'

For something bound to fall apart

Every time you're feeling empty

Better thank you lucky stars

If you ever felt one breaking

You'd never want a heart  

"You ready princess?" Val said as he found Sharna waiting in the living room. He had been finishing up getting ready for their appointment.

"As ready as I'm going to be. I'm scared but at the same time, I just want to know." Sharna said standing up and moving over to him.

"I agree. I think once we know, we can decide what's next. Whether we start trying or whether we look into other options."

"Yeah. I'm not looking forward to all these tests Valentin." She said as she let him open her door and she slid in. He shut her door and moved to the other side.

"I know. At least I'm allowed to be with you through all of them." Val said as he started the car and backed out before heading toward the doctor.

"That'll help. It's just going to bring back all the memories of after. They had to...well, we talked about it." Sharna said softly. After they had gotten through the pregnancy test, they had decided to talk to Dr. Kate and then see about the appointment. Dr. Kate had said that she felt that the appointment and testing were a great idea. It would give Sharna some piece of mind or something that would help with what was next. She like Val knew it wasn't ideal but had also mentioned that there were options that they could proceed with if they weren't given the all clear. She also recommended a friend who was part of a fertility clinic that could do all the testing.

"I know babe, I'll help as much as I can." Val promised as he slipped his hand into hers, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. After they called and made the appointment to discuss fertility, the receptionist explained all the testing they'd want to do. Sometimes, they let some of it slide but since Sharna had history of a previous miscarriage, they wouldn't take that chance. Some of the tests were quite invasive and were going to be similar to some of the procedures that Sharna went through after her miscarriage with Rose.

"Thanks, some of it is going to be fully me but I know having you there will help. I'm glad you can be with me for basically all of it." Sharna said gratefully. Initially, they had said that Sharna would need to be alone for two of the procedures, one involving a camera and the other x-rays. Val had decided to push it and was granted access into the camera procedure however, he couldn't be there for the x-rays. That one wasn't such a big deal.

"Me too. I thought for sure they were going to deny me but I'm glad they didn't. It just doesn't make any sense. If they are going to basically do every test back to back while you're there, why in the world couldn't I just stay? I mean it's not like I'd get in there way."

"My knight in shining armor. It's probably just routine protocol and they said they don't normally do all these back to back either. So it's probably nothing for them to have someone sit out."

"That's true. I'm glad they are going to do all yours together."

"Me too but it sounds like it's going to be pretty uncomfortable for a few days after."

"Just gives me an excuse to take care of you." Val said with a wink.

"Like you need an excuse for that. If people didn't know better, they'd think I was glass mister." Sharna teased.

"Hey, I can not." Val said catching the tone in her voice.

"I didn't say I didn't like it mister. Plus, I don't think you could stop if you tried."

"True story." He said as they pulled into the hospital where they would do all the tests.

"You won't leave me right?" Sharna said nervously.

"Only for the x-rays." Val confirmed.

"Ok." She said before letting go of his hand so he could get out. He came around and met her before they headed in. They found the check in desk and took all the paperwork they needed. Sharna had to fill in information about her history, her menstrual cycle, her sex life, her physical health, mental health, and family history.

"Geesh. They are thorough." Val said as they finally finished up. He had helped as best as he could but most of it was up to Sharna.

"No joke, it's a wonder they didn't ask for like a piece of hair or something." Sharna said as they stood in line to turn the documents back in. Once it was their turn, the receptionist gave Sharna a bracelet and took them back to a procedure room. They gave her a gown and told her to go ahead and change.

"Here." Val said moving up behind her and helping her tie the gown. Her hands were shaking and she couldn't get the stupid strings to meet up. He easily tied the strings and pulled her back into him.

"I'm okay." She whispered trying to sound confident. Part of her was hoping that if she said it out loud it would make it true. The other part knew he would know she was lying.

"You're not, and it's alright, I promise. And then once it's done, it's not something you have to deal with again." She nodded and pulled away from him and slid onto the table. He stood in front of her and slipped his hand into hers.

"Hi, I'm Alexis, and I'll be your nurse, basically I believe for all of your procedures. You're Mr. & Mrs. Chmer...."

"Chmerkovskiy, but you can call me Val and this is my wife Sharna." Val said assisting the young girl with the last name.,

"Ohh, thank you. Okay, so we're going to do blood work and urine analysis first. Then we'll get you set up for the trans vaginal ultrasound before giving you the local anesthesia since the rest, are more invasive and can cause discomfort. Those include the Hysterosalpinogram, Hysteroscopy,  Endometrial biopsy, & Saline hysterogram."

"Okay. And Val is still allowed to stay correct?" Sharna said nervously.

"Yes, he is. He'll just remain up by you the whole time." Alexis explained.

"Thank you."

"Alright, let's get your blood work done that way we can get you through everything else." Val moved behind Sharna so he was out of the way but kept his hand on her back. When they had decided to start this, they were told that the blood work portion was quite involved. This would be the 5th time she had her blood work done in the past month. Alexis was a great nurse and was able to find a vein immediately, taking the necessary blood. She left Sharna to take care of the next part and returned 15 minutes later.

"Ok, let's get you set up and then Dr. Murphy will be in." Alexis helped Sharna get situated on the table before getting her set up with a blanket and a pillow. She was going to be there for a good two hours so they were trying to make her as comfortable as possible. She hooked up a blood pressure monitor just in case. Then got Val situated as well. She headed out to let Dr. Murphy know that they were ready.

"How are you?" Val said from his spot next to his wife.

"Trying to focus on other things." Sharna whispered.

"Good idea. I'll do my best to keep you distracted princess." He said pressing a kiss to her head. He know she was terrified that the feeling pain in this regard was going to bring back all the memories of the miscarriage but being raped multiple times as well. He understood this fear considering everything she had been through.

"I hope it works." She said as her eyes went to him.

"I'll tell you a story. And it it gets too bad, just close your eyes and listen to my voice." He stated.

"Good Afternoon. Are we ready Sharna?" Dr. Murphy appeared. She was a middle aged lady with a friendly but down to business personality. They knew they could easily trust her with this. They also had explained Sharna's past as per recommendation of Dr. Kate just in case this would trigger a panic attack. She had understood and promised to do her best to make sure everything went smoothly.

"As I can be." Sharna responded.

"Alright, let's get this going. I'm going to do the anesthesia and then start the ultrasound. If at any point things get to be too much, let me know. I want to get you through all of this without having to put you under but I also don't want to upset you either, okay?"

"Okay."

"Val, that goes for you too. That's part of why we agreed to let you stay in here. You probably know Sharna just as well and can say something if it's becoming too much."

"Oh, I will." Val said making the room laugh at his fierceness.

"I don't doubt that at all. now let's get started. Sharna just deep breaths okay. And do your best not to tense up." Dr. Murphy said as she began. Sharna's body involuntarily tensed and her grip on Val tightened immensely.

"Just listen to me princess. You're here, you're safe." Val said softly into her ear. He prayed this would work and that she didn't have to go through anything worse. He started into an elaborate story of their relationship, making it into the Disney version using a princess and a prince as well as their side kicks. Things were going well clear up until the last procedure which was endometrial biopsy. That one was probably the most invasive and Sharna hissed at one point when they had taken the biopsy. That was also her breaking point as tears began to slip out of her eyes. She had done amazing up until then and Val honestly didn't think it was related to everything, it was just the immensity of the situation.

"All finished. You did great Sharna." Dr. Murphy said as she helped the young lady out of the stirrups while Alexis helped her get situated more comfortably on the bed.

"Now what?" Val asked.

"Well, like we discussed, we'll have you guys stay here for a little while longer. Take it easy tonight, you may have some mild cramping that you can take ibuprofen for or use a heating pad. Tomorrow you should be back to normal. I'm going to have you schedule with Miss Beth for this upcoming Monday. We should have all the tests back at that point and then we can go over the results."

"That soon?" Val said incredulously. Why he wasn't sure however he was slightly relieved they wouldn't have to wait too long.

"We know it's a sensitive issue so we try to collect what we can as quickly as we can." Dr. Murphy said.

"Right."

"Okay, Sharna you rest. I'll be back in to check on you in 45 minutes, if everything is good, you can go home." And with that both Dr. Murphy and Alexis left, leaving Sharna & Val alone.

"Princess." Val said leaning down close to her. Her cheeks were still stained with the tear tracks as the continuous tears made new ones.

"I..I want....." She tried to get out but her throat was clogged with tears. She reached for him and he knew what she wanted. He knew he couldn't pull that off on the small table she was on though however.

"Slide closer baby. I can't get up there with you." Val said softly helping her slide as close to the edge as he could get her. He rested his face next to hers as he stroked her hair softly while her hand clung to his bicep.

"I'm...."

"Shhh, it's okay. Just rest princess." He said not sure if she was going to go for saying sorry or try to talk about things. Either way, he wanted her to rest. Even though she had done amazing, he knew that it was stressful and draining so he wanted to focus on that first. She eventually tucked as close to him as she could while closing her eyes.

Hey there Mr. Tin Man

You don't know how lucky you are

I've been on the road that you're on

It didn't get me very far

You ain't missing nothing

'Cause love is so damn hard

Take it from me darling

You don't want a heart  

A few hours later, they were finally home. Dr. Murphy had given Sharna some ideas and things to help the mild cramping she was sure to experience. It hadn't taken long and she was now settled on the couch with her head resting in Val's lap, the heating pad tucked against her body. Val's fingers ran through her hair as she tried to get some rest.

"I can't sleep." She whined after awhile. Ever since they had left the clinic, Sharna had wanted to nap, however couldn't seem to settle enough to do so.

"I'm sorry princess." Val said with a half chuckle, getting a glare out of her.

"That was kind of horrible." She murmured.

"I'm sorry. I just....you sounded like a little kid there for a second." Val explained as he leaned down to press a kiss to her head.

"Not that, well that was too but I meant earlier."

"Ohhh." Val said understanding what she had meant.

"I know it was procedure and doctors and all that but to have something that you've worked so hard to not focus on, hurt like that again, was hard. And I know today wasn't sexual but the pain there reminds me of everything. And I've been so much better with handling Paul and my past but today brought it back up into the forefront."

"Do you think you want to talk to Dr. Kate sooner than we have planned?" Val asked gently.

"No, I mean, honestly I don't know. When it was going on, I was fighting to listen to you and your beautiful story but the feelings were still there. And I didn't want to associate that with your voice because it's my calm. So I tried to block out the feelings but I found out that only made it worse. It made it harder to handle either so I had to figure out how to separate the two."

"I honestly didn't think of it that way. That your safety was also going to tie into your pain."

"I didn't either, honestly I didn't even think it was going to be as bad as it was. I knew it was going to bring back everything but I think it was the pain and pressure in places that used to be areas of such distress for me was what did it."

"How do you feel now?"

"Drained and scared of what they are going to tell us but I don't think I'm feeling anything in terms of my past. Like when I kind of lost of it on the table, I was able to release it all at the same time." She said as her hand blindly searched for his, he gave it to and she grasped it tightly.

"Do you want to talk about any of it?"

"Not right now." She said with a yawn as Val's phone buzzed.

"Are you up for company? Maks, Peta, and Shai were going to bring over some of Maks's chicken soup but they wanted to check that you were up for it. If not, Maks or P will bring it and keep Shai at home."

"I think I'm good with them coming. Just tell them to warn him not to jump on me." Sharna said with a chuckle.

"Okay, I'll tell them."

"Babe cuddles and Shai cuddles may be a good distraction." Sharna said with a grin.

"I'll bet they will be. They'll be here in an hour, apparently Shai wanted to bring you movies since they told him you didn't feel good and had to be careful."

"Such a sweetheart. He's gonna follow in his uncle and daddy's footprints."

"He is, you want to watch something until they are here or you want to try to sleep?"

"Both, can you hold me though maybe that'll help?" She said sheepishly.

"Ohh, I think I can handle that." He said as he slipped her off his lap before standing and putting up the foot rest. He helped her move over and get situated before settling next to her allowing her to burrow into his body. He wrapped his arms around her as she pressed against his chest, finding his heartbeat. He began to hum and after a bit he felt her drift off. He texted Maks and told them to just use their key and come in since she was asleep. He closed his eyes too and dozed for awhile until he heard his nephew come in.

"Uncle Valllll." He whispered.

"Hey buddy, shhh, Aunt Sharna's sleeping." Val said motioning

"Hers sick." He said softly.

"Her belly hurts so you have to be very careful." Val said holding his arm out and helping Shai climb up with them.

"I cuddle hers." Shai said as he slid as close to Sharna as he could without touching her stomach. Val felt his wife stir as Shai settled next to him.

"Mmhmm, oww." She groaned slightly as her stomach cramped tightly.

"Tylenol?" Val asked as he found the button for the heating pad, turning it back on.

"Yes." Sharna whispered.

"I got it." Peta said keeping Val from standing.

"Hi." Shai whispered softly to his aunt who opened her eyes slowly.

"Hi love bug." Sharna said just as quietly.

"I cuddle yous better." Shai said stretching to press a kiss to Sharna's cheek.

"Thank you buddy, I love you." Sharna said as Peta appeared with Tylenol and water. Val helped her sit up enough to take the pills before realizing that it would probably be best to have her lay down again. He shifted and had Shai stand and helped Sharna lay back down on the couch. She settled back into his lap before Shai curled up in front of her. Maks and Peta settled on the love seat and the group spent some time together before they all headed out.

***********************************************************************************************

"Mr. & Mrs. Chmerkovskiy, I can take you back now." Beth stated. It was Monday already, the day they were going to get their results. Val stood and pulled Sharna up with him. She had been on autopilot all morning, trying to steel herself for whatever news they were going to get. Beth took them back to the exam room.

"Dr. Murphy will be back shortly." Beth said before shutting the door. Sharna let go of Val and settled up on the table, crossing her legs and resting her hands in her lap.

"Hey." Val said resting his hand on her shoulder. She jumped immediately as she turned to look at him.

"Sorry." She said before turning to look back at the white wall.

"It's okay. I just...I want you to know I'm here." He said as he leaned next to her while the silence filled the room.

"I know." Sharna said giving him a weak look a little while later. It was then that the door opened.

"Hello you two, how are you?" Dr. Murphy said as she entered the room.

"We're nervous." Val said shaking her hand as Sharna nodded in agreement.

"Understandable, so we'll get right to everything."

"You can't just tell us if it's possible or not?"

"I mean I could but then whatever I had to say wouldn't make sense."

"Alright." Val said as he fidgeted while Sharna just sat there watching.

"So the first tests we ran were on your levels in your blood. All of them came back at regular levels, before, during, and after your menstrual cycles. To create eggs as well as fertilize them, requires your body to maintain levels at certain times, yours appears to be capable of doing so by the tests we ran on your blood and urine during your cycle. The next was checking your Fallopian tubes. Some women's tubes are not developed properly or they do not function so that the eggs drop at the correct times. Some are even blocked. That is why we did the dye test to check their functionality. Your Fallopian tubes are fine. We then checked your uterus and cervix for any issues there. We began with the regular ultrasound which did show some scarring which is absolutely normal when you've suffered a miscarriage in the past. That's why we had wanted to move forward with the other two as well as the biopsy. During the dye test of your uterus, we located several uterine fibroids that have grown on the walls of your uterus. We did take a biopsy of one of them just to ensure there was nothing malignant in them since we were already investigating."

"She's okay right?" Val said immediately.

"Let her finish babe." Sharna said in a monotone voice.

"She's okay. It's very unlikely that uterine fibroids are cancerous but it can happen. We didn't want to let that be something that was missed since we were doing such a thorough investigation of Sharna."

"What do they mean in terms of getting pregnant?"

"Typically they wouldn't mean anything. We can remove them, put Sharna on pills if she would get pregnant and then monitor her. They tend to not bother the fetus."

"You said typically...." Val said with wide eyes as he felt his heart hit the floor. That couldn't be good. He looked sideways at Sharna trying to read her quickly. Her face was a wall of stone as she listened. He looked back at Dr. Murphy.

"Unfortunately the reason why the fibroids don't cause any issues with the pregnancy is because there is still room for the egg to attach and grow. Sharna's uterus however, has a lot of scarring, from the miscarriage as well as her previous assaults. There is a minimal amount of viable space for an egg to attach and grow well within the walls of her uterus. If by some chance the egg attached in a spot that was safe, as it started to grow and develop, the chances of it not having enough space due to the fibroids and scaring would most likely cause you to miscarry again. So while it's not impossible for you to have children, it is dangerous not only for you but for the child as well. I wish I was giving you guys better news."

"That's it? There's nothing that we can do?" Val said as he felt his world spinning out of control almost.

"Unfortunately not. And at this time, without using a surrogate, we would not recommend Sharna for In-Vitro or Insemination due to the chances of the egg not taking. It's a strenuous process to begin with and we wouldn't want to put someone who had a higher chance of not conceiving through that experience."

"We could use a surrogate though?" Val asked.

"You could. While we did not test you yet, we would run tests on you to ensure everything is working properly. Then we would harvest from both of you and grow the egg before implanting in the surrogate."

"Okay." Val said as he leaned against the table. He realized then that Sharna hadn't said a word the whole time and the blank stare was still on her face.

"Are there any questions that I can answer for the two of you?"

"I...Umm...." Val stammered.

"I know I just hit you both with a hard blow. You both have the number of the office. If there's ever anything that I can do for either of you, anything that I can explain, please reach out to me."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm so sorry once again that it wasn't better news. Sharna, I do want to say quickly because I know how this comes across as a woman. This is nothing you've done. You couldn't have done anything to stop this. As unfortunate as the situation is, this is not your fault. Please remember that." She said as she moved closer to the young lady and rested her hand on hers. Sharna looked at her for a second and nodded before the blank stare returned.

"Thank you again." Val said shaking her hand before she left the two.

"Princess?" Val said softly looking at his wife.

"Can we go home?" She said quietly still not meeting his eyes.

"Yes, come on." He said reaching to help her off the table however she shrugged him off and pressed away from him. He sighed, knowing as much as his head was spinning, hers had to be ten times worse. He was afraid she was going to shut down completely but he also knew not to push her too hard. He followed her out to the car however she didn't get it.

"Babe, where are you...." He said stopping suddenly as he followed her gaze. Across the street was a playground currently filled with tiny children. Moms, dads, and babysitters were playing with the little ones as their shrieks and giggles filled the air.

"I'll never have that." She said as she watched the activity.

"Shar...." He said softly reaching for her elbow.

"Why Val? Why? What did I do? Why can't I give us that? Why?" She murmured as her knees seemed to give out. She hit the pavement hard as he leaned down with her.

"I don't know sweetheart, I don't know. But we're going to sort it out. We're going to figure it out."

"You heard her. I can't, we can't. I can't carry a baby. I can't have a child. I'll never hold our son or daughter. I'll never know what that feels like." She said as her tears started to fall.

"We can..we can do other.."

"It's not the same. It's not the same. Why?....Why? Why?" She said becoming hysterical. Val wasn't sure what to do at that point. He knew no words could fix this moment so he did the only thing he knew to. He wrapped her up in his arms and held her tightly, rocking her slowing as they sat there on the sidewalk. The whole world continued to move around them as their simply fell apart.

Hey there Mr. Tin Man

I'm glad we talked this out

You can take mine if you want it

It's in pieces now

By the way there Mr. Tin Man

If you don't mind the scars

You give me your armor

And you can have my heart

*That's a wrap on that one. It's brutal I know, so I won't say I hope you liked it cause well I mean I do but ya know.  Don't forget to let me know what you guys thought in the comments and to like it up. Thank you all for supporting and being there for me always. You guys are definitely my god send on my bad days. Thank you.

**Additionally for those of you who enjoy my Chmergatroyd stories, I am going to be starting a new one. The first piece should be up in the next few days so keep your eyes open. It's going to be a little different than what I usually do so I'll be using the feedback from the first piece to decide if I'll continue or not. :)