#caedesisms

[whomuses]

// Gonna do a lil like character building here and I wanna talk about how Caedes changes over the journey. Please note this will obviously involve discussion of durge stuff, blood murder vomit etc, also mentions (unintentional) weight loss so if these are things you struggle with, don't read!

When we first meet Caedes off the nautiloid, they're already not in great health. Having been tadpoled and dumped there by Orin, injured, they're still relatively strong physically. Mostly at a healthy weight; with some broken horns, scars and missing scales, the main issue is the chunk of memory that is missing. Whilst the road is hard and tiring, he actually manages to eat fairly well at first. They've always been strong but relatively lean, the nature of ... everything going on. The road means anything extra is fairly quickly stripped back, leading to the dragonborn basically being a block of muscle. But after Alfira... everything starts to really change. Caedes didn't reaelise before just how easily sleep would make him susceptible to the urge. They make no secret of the murder - not proud of it in the slightest, but he's also not going to lie. The others were warned, near the moment he met them, about the urge. Now they're scared to sleep. Still give in fairly regularly, but get less hours, stay up later, start to distance. It only gets worse as the travel goes on. When he starts getting close to Gale, Caedes lets himself come back into the circle again, but after a couple of close calls, they really shut down. By the time they reach the elfsong, Caedes very rarely joins them for meals, and sleeps incredibly little. It starts to really show it's toll just around the time they're getting to the tavern; having lost weight and gotten significantly weaker, whilst he's still tall and built, Caedes is surprisingly light.

The exhaustion, mixed in with the effects from Bhaal's rage at his perfect murder machine fighting so strongly against their nature, doesn't exactly make Caedes frail? But he's very fallible. Easier and quicker to anger. The urge bubbles much closer to the surface. And through all of this? They're trying to hide it. All of it. Always acting the strong leader, stoic and unbotherable. Even when he's struggling with aiming magic due to struggling to see, hiding away from the camp to cough up blood... only really spending any time with Gale, and even then, after they're done uh... distracting each other, Caedes would slip away to stay awake.

After the blood is removed, it takes... a few days before Caedes finally gives in and allows sleep. Even though, theoretically, the urges are gone; they still... don't trust themselves. It's Gale who forces him to come lay down, and promises to stay awake and watch over him. They wake up curled up together. No nightmares, no urge, just deep, exhausted sleep. After that Caedes is a little more sociable. Starts joining the group again.

In terms of my like overarching post game story, Caedes realises that something is 'wrong' just before they go to fight gort. And whilst he can't prove anything, that feeling doesn't go away. By the time they're in the bhaal temple he's nearly convinced but still somewhat in denial, because dragonborns and humans are not supposed to be able to breed. After the fight with Orin, though, what Withers said when he resurrects Caedes is what convinces him that he's pregnant. They truly believe that is what saved them, not his own ability. (Obviously Withers was not talking about the egg, but, y'know.) He means to tell Gale just before the fight with the brain, but when he gets pulled in for that kiss, he realises he can't say anything yet. Gale had not long ago said about not thinking he'd want to be a father; the words still linger, because Caedes isn't sure what to do. Right then and there isn't the time. They needed to make sure they lived and then... then he could say.

[whomuses]

Just Let Me Hold You

just shy of 2k words; Caedes entering Gale's tent in the middle of the night for some fun rapidly takes a turn when Gale realises something is wrong. Contains sex (but not massively horny), discussions of weight loss, blindnes and weakness, general unhealthiness and canon typical conversation.

It’s not unusual for Caedes to slide into his tent.

The curtain of a door twitched aside to reveal the dragonborn’s hulking white presence; Gale turned with a faint smile. In this low light, he couldn’t see much – but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. The weight shifted, settled besides him; surprisingly soft facial scales nuzzling against his cheek, kissing, nibbling. He wasn’t unaware of the fact that, after these night visit, he would always wake with the other absent. He didn’t know when Caedes was leaving – it was always after the wizard had slipped to slumber. From the day by day increasing clumsiness and short temper, he doubted the other was getting much rest at all. The stresses of what they were undergoing, the missing memories, the headaches that they murmured about. Nothing had helped to clear them, after all.

But in the night, in the dark and sweet air, they were always so sweet to him.

“What have I done to earn the honour of such a visit?” Gale breathed, after a moment, as the mouth drifted down to his neck, peppering soft kisses and hints of nips against the tender flesh of his neck. His hand came up, the less damaged left one, rubbing his fingertips over the scales that covered the long face. Scraping nails against the thicker scales, knowing just where itched the most now and got the best response.

“Missed you.” the dragonborn’s low voice was husky, the heat of air from his nostrils, the deep inhales – he always wondered just how sensitive their smell was. It seemed easily able to pick him out of a crowd, after all…

Clawed hands were sliding over his body now – the shape shifting closer. In the near non-existent light, mostly the last glows of the embers of the camp fire through the walls of his tent – the only thing he could really see was where it glimmered off the stark white patches. There was still the hint of a red glow from the natural fire in their eyes, but it was greatly muted. Unable to help the soft noises that were starting to escape, the scrape of mostly-dulled but still dangerous claws on the tender parts of his own skin, Gale was very much reminded how deadly the basic form of a dragonborn was against his own humanity. He loved it.

It didn’t take long to shed his clothes, hearing Caedes do the same. They shifted to lay between his legs, kissing slowly up his stomach, before moving – taking his wrists in one hand to push them above his head, so that the wizard could do nothing to anticipate nor resist. He gave no fight, of course – trusting implicitly that the most dangerous, unstable creature in their camp would do nothing to hurt him. Despite the nips, nibbles and licks, he was right – there was no sign of danger here. They were taking their time to build him up – before adjusting, straddling his hips, releasing his hands in order to brace on the ground and their body swallowed him.

It was hard to keep quiet. No matter how often they did this – it always felt incredible. Far more solid and real than Mystra had ever been, in her fascination of the astral. Admittedly it had been a fair amount of time since Caedes had sought him out for such pleasures – Gale couldn’t blame the distraction. So close to Baldur’s Gate now, to perhaps finding out what was wrong with him and freeing them all from the tadpoles… but this was nice. It wasn’t frantic or wild, as Caedes often was, no – it was gentle, tender. Just delighting in the feeling of one another. The slightly rough breathing mixing with his own, both of them trying to stay quiet…

The movements were becoming erratic; he tried to shift his hips in time, but concern began to bubble through his chest. This didn’t feel like the usual pattern loss that occurred near completion; he reached a hand up, following the faint hint of white and the sound, stroking a hand along Caedes’ cheek again. The dragonborn leant into the touch; and Gale swallowed. It was – fragile. His other hand lifted, trailing along the chest above him. It had been some time since they’d really seen each other bare, he had to admit; most of the trysts occuring in the soft darkness like this. But now that his concern was spiking, he could feel it more clearly. His other hand slid down over their neck, their shoulder; feeling the lines in the dragonborn’s form. Caedes had always been bulky, of course, his natural build, but…

“We should stop.” Gale murmured, heart ticking up, a surge of worry in his throat. “Caedes?” hands had slid over his sides now, able to feel the edges of ribs. It hadn’t been this bad before. Of course he knew that they were losing weight – it wasn’t surprising. The robes fit a little looser, moved a little easier, even his padded camp clothes – the dragonborn so rarely joined them for dinner, and their lacking cookpot meant that, even with Gale insisting they leave some, he had a feeling there was often nothing left for him to take after they went to bed. Guilt was sinking in now. He had to do better than this, but -

“Caedes?” he repeated. The other’s hips had stilled, but the breathing was still rough, if not getting worse – laboured. Some instinct made his hands shift – perhaps picking up on the way that their arms were shaking either side of him. His own palms braced against their chest as the limbs gave way, just about managing to keep Caedes from slumping languidly onto him. That, in itself, sent a bolt of raw alarm through his chest – there was no way he should’ve been able to hold Caedes up. Admittedly his own limbs were shaking with the effort, but there should have been more than enough bulk that he wouldn’t manage this. “Hey…” he grimaced, then carefully twisted – sliding the white shape sideways. Trying to ignore the disquieting sensation of their coupling coming loose, he turned just enough to murmur an incantation to light the lantern in the corner of his tent.

The warm glow filled the space as he drew back enough to prevent too much shadow falling over them. Caedes’ eyes were open, but they were glazed over. In this light, the deep shadows around his eyes looked nearly black. Gale reached out to gently stroke a hand over his cheek again, feeling it trembling as his eyes drifted downwards. Everything he’d felt was thrown into sharp relief – especially with the lanternlight, deepening shadows to make it look even worse. “Gods…” he murmured, that guilt curdling in his chest. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” leaning in, he caught their scaled lips in a kiss, revealed to feel at least some response to that. “You’re exhausted, love. You must rest. I know – I know you’re afraid.” he added, a little firmer now. “You didn’t want this.” he reached down to grip the blanket from the bedroll, pulling it up and over them both.

“No – no, hey -” he could feel the dragonborn trying to move away, even with trembling limbs and difficulty in his very movement. “I’ll be okay. You can’t hurt anyone in this state, now, can you?” it’s everything he’s got not to sound angry. Food will be harder – but sleep, at least, he can help the other get. When he leant in, trying to meet their eyes, he realised – something else. The pupils far too thin for the lighting in here. The glazed expression; the way they flickered, as if unsure where to look… “Oh, no. Sweetheart…” he swallowed hard, gripping their cheek more firmly, turning his snout so that they were, as best he could manage, meeting each other’s eyes. “When did you vision fade away?”

“It…” Caedes finally spoke again, their own tones now shaking, so quiet, so weak, “Started getting bad a few days ago.” he mumbled. “Getting worse. The urge punishing me…”

“It could be that.” Gale agreed, softly, “Or have you considered your body is giving up? You aren’t sleeping. You aren’t eating. The body – it has a way of warning you before you go to far, do you understand?” despite his fear, the wizard knew he had to be firm here. “You have to take care of yourself. Do you understand me? You have to do this.” he added, with a hint of that frustration. “You need to stay alive.” “No -” “I know that you don’t want to. I’m not blind. But you have to. I do not think we can face the elder brain without you, Caedes. And -” his voice cracked. “I need you to stay alive. For me. For whatever the hell comes after this.” “Gale…” he whispered. “No.” he exhaled sharply, then leant in to kiss Caedes again – tenderly, deeply, before tangling his hand in the other’s. “You’re resting. Then I’m getting you food. I do not care if it makes you feel sick,” he added, “We are getting you through this. Gods, I don’t need to have sex with you to love you.” “I know that.” Caedes murmured. “I wanted to…” “I don’t doubt that.” Gale whispered back. “But you’re allowed to come to me for just… comfort, you understand? You don’t owe me anything.” “If I… have sex,” Caedes murmured, “Then you fall asleep after and I can leave. If I just come to lay here with you… I’ll fall asleep with you. I don’t want to hurt you.” his voice cracked at the end, “I don’t want to wake up in your blood and – and -”

“You won’t.” Gale whispered. “You couldn’t hurt me like this, I promise. I could hold you up, Caedes.” he added, throat bobbing. “Just… close your eyes. Trust me. Please?” he added, and against everything, Caedes did as he was told. Nuzzling closer, face pressing into Gale’s chest. He reached around to stroke over the plated scales on the back of his head, feeling the way the dragonborn near immediately slumped.

Gale would be lying if he said he got much sleep that night. No matter how he closed his eyes, he couldn’t seem to rest, focused on the dragonborn laying against him.

“How did I let you down so badly?” he whispered, eventually, watching as the dawn light began to warm the tent, and the way the blanket draped over the dragonborn revealed what a shell he’d become. “I’ll do better. I promise.”