#bye. if this thing doesn't get crunched to hell.

[delopsia]

Rhett Abbott can be defeated by a skillet anytime, anywhere. He's either cursed, impatient, (or both😂), but how can he focus when he's got you busying about the kitchen in his favorite flannel?? (he'd still burn it even if you weren't there. The man is a walking fire hazard that has to be supervised even when using the microwave.) clearly, the bacon was just jealous that he was getting kisses 🙄 I swear that I saw some food trucks in the background of the rodeo scenes!! I can totally see him doing little pass-bye during the rodeo; as soon as he’s got the chance, he’s finding you in the crowd and announces his presence by hooking his chin over your shoulder and telling you that he'll share his drink with you in exchange for a bite of what you've got.

What's worse is he's probably just so used to it being stale that he doesn't even get phased by it anymore; it's disappointing to realize that the chips have gone bad, but he just accepts it and moves on😭 and it's just made worse by the fact that he forgets his own strength and breaks the darn clips. He swears he's being gentle, but they! just! keep! snapping! until you find something super durable, like those PVC-coated steel clips. Bright enough for him to not lose, but strong enough to survive his hands!

You know every noisy plank and stair and exactly how to avoid them, but the chip bag is your weakness ❤ because who the hell expects chips in the damn bed 😒. Chips? In pieces. Mood? Crunched. Cecelia? Pissed. There is no WAY Cecelia lets her boys take food upstairs. The only reason she doesn't barge right in and chew Rhett out for it is because the poor woman is afraid of what else she'd find 😭 and while you're laying there, mortified, Rhett's just kissing your cheek and, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I forgot I hid them there." So now every time things get heated, and you start stumbling to the bedroom, you ask if there are any chips you need to be wary of, and Rhett's ears turn red 💕

Bob's got a love-hate relationship with his food-concoctions because most of the time, he just winds up regretting it, but every once in a while, he finds something so good that he can't justify not trying more combinations. And you can't be too bothered about it because his face does the cute little scrunch thing when he winds up with something he likes! It's not all chicken & waffles; sometimes, it's fried catfish & maple syrup.

Poor Bob living vicariously through your food choices because the cafeteria food only goes so far 😭 when he's tired, he get's really dramatic about it too. "I've been off to war for so long that I have forgotten what spicy chicken ramen dumplings taste like." and you're just sitting there like,, "bobby, you had them the day before you left. you've been deployed for three days" "I am a man at war, and you're laughing at me?? 🙄" 'war' being suffering through listening to half his friends snore every night.

Every person in the Squad is probably having the exact same thing as they watch Bob steal a kiss from you at the diner you've all gathered at, but it takes someone speaking up for them to realize that they're all on the same page 😂 poor Bob just turns redder and redder as they figure it out. And him getting all!!🥺when you sneak a fry, despite the fact that he's going to offer to share them with you anyway. Only does it because he knows it gets more kisses out of you, too! But it doesn't last long because the Squad love to tell you the stories of Bob being mopey because he was away from you :( Bob denies it, but Fanboy tells you that Bob eats and stares at his phone, hoping to get a text back from you before he has to go back to work.

Bulk-buying means you need more space to store said items, which just gives him an excuse to buy a bigger house for the two of you to! live in!! It's all a part of his master plan! He has thought this through! However, sometimes he overthinks and doesn't realize that the answer is simpler than it seems; exhibit A: the funnel. My God I lost it at the image of Bob just "🙄🖕🏻" over the funnel 😭

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and the way to writing headcanons about him is through his eating habits 😂

🍗 i haven’t written anything in like a thousand years but i really hope these are the type of abnormal headcanons you were looking for!

rhett is “whatever they had at the gas station” but make it crunchy. cowboy seems like a snacker to the max, like, the only meal this man ever really wants to eat or cares about eating is whatever cecilia makes for dinner. this is a man who gets up before dawn and can’t even think about food before eleven (never mind actually having any time to sit and eat a real breakfast most days) and when he does it’s never from a plate; grazing like a gazelle type eats. maybe around eleven-thirty he’ll hit up a pouch of trail mix or something. he actually likes raisins thank you very much and definitely prefers honey nut sweet n’ salty chex mix to any of that fake m&m or chocolate chip addition weirdness. when he’s not absentmindedly crushing a family sized bag of jalapeño cheetos, spicy honey mustard combos, or old faithful (pork rinds), he can be found stealing bites from whatever you’re eating whether you’re into it in the beginning or not. the first time it happened a few months into your relationship you almost caught his wrist with your fork and looked at him like he was out of his goddamn mind. “i asked you if you were hungry...” you explain when his brows furrow into that cute ass grumpy puppy emoji face he swears he doesn’t do. he just sighs and tucks back into the booth seat across from you on his phone and lets you eat it in peace... but you can’t stop thinking about it and this and him and before you know it you’re cutting a good bite of pancakes off the stack and holding it up to him. those big blue irises flick up, a little smile tugs at his lips before he opens wide and hums in delight at the soft buttery syrupy diner brunch. rhett tries not to look like the cowboy who caught the flapjack when you ask for another set of cutlery.

okay... i’d say my beloved bobby is the complete opposite: a real meal kinda guy. he’s southern and eats like it (affectionate). he likes it all: spicy, sweet, finger-lickin’, hearty, comfortably full-bellied, might think about taking a nap afterwards type eats. barbecues, (i don’t headcanon bob as being religious so maybe post mission dagger squad potlucks with his mama and sister recipes that he he picked up over the years), holidays, etc. but back to the matter at hand, i can totally see him being fast food chicken sandwich fiend. if the place he finds himself in has one he’ll try it. he doesn’t believe any place has The Best chicken sandwich because that’s his mama's all day everyday and there’s absolutely no competition. but they’re all pretty good in their own way regardless. when he’s home on leave and gets the inevitable craving for a mcdonald’s chicken sandwich specifically, it’s a bit of a production. you were with him one of these times and off you went to find the ol’ golden arches. he was polite as pie in the drive thru because of course and when he asks for extra napkins at the end you suspect they actually gave them because of it. he parks in the back corner of the lot like teenagers and you feel a little giddy. he kisses you and starts unloading the bag; his two crispy chicken sandwiches and a quarter pounder with mac sauce and cheese. they actually put extra mayo and pickles on both of his sandwiches which surprised you and you’re about to say as much when he opens them up to stack them together arranging the pickles and all between the sturdier looking of the two buns. you try not to get distracted when he licks the mayo from his fingertips and asks of you could uncap the bottle of hot sauce right there “please, darlin’” and when you look down as if it magically appeared there sat a small half-finished bottle of frank’s red hot xtra. you jokingly call him crazy as he heavy-hands the liquid cayenne onto the sandwich and just about unhinges his jaw to take a bite. he nods, chews and says “but that’s why ya love me...” like he wants you to mean it but also like he could let it roll off like a joke. you stare at his side profile as starts going as red as his hot sauce. “yeah,” you whisper, an thread of finality weaving through your words, “that’s why i love ya.”

!! oh this was so cute to read; I literally had walk out the room and get my head on straight because I started melting midway through. I love every word you've said😭

Rhett, the food thief! I never even thought about it until you mentioned it; there's no way he isn't one. The first time we even see him in the show, we literally watch him walk in and steal a piece of Amy's bacon. What's to stop him from reaching over and stealing a piece of your food? I rest my case, your honor 💃

I love love the headcanon of him being a snacker that just grazes all day. Eats one meal a day but has countless snacks before and after. Probably keeps them hidden, too, because there's nothing more annoying than looking for a snack that someone's already eaten. The pork rinds are in the glove box; the trail mix is hidden in the tack room. You're only aware of this because you walked into the shed and found him pulling that bag of jalapeño Cheetos out of what's supposed to be a toolbox. As soon as he sees you, he just...quietly looks at the bag, then back to you, holds it out, and goes, "do you want one?"

So that's how you wind up as a member of the Hidden-Snack Alliance™

Now that you've said it, I can't unsee it. Bob. Sweet, sweet bob who could eat an entire horse and still be hungry. The type of guy that finishes your food for you when you're full and don't want to take the leftovers home. He doesn't even have to ask after a while; all you have to do is give him a short nod. Leftovers? Not on Robert's watch.

Do you think he has a list? Because I feel like he's got a whole list on his phone, ranked from best to worst, with detailed reasons why, and it's always changing, but it always says "Moms :)" in the #1 slot. "Bob, is the chicken sandwich from here any good?" "Only if you like getting food poisoning, sweetheart."

Kisses!! before he ever touches his food! I have left the building, never to be seen again. He straight-up has his own "secret menu" item AND has the Frank's Red Hot Xtra on standby. If you look hard enough, there's probably a gallon container of it in the back of the cabinet, and he just refills the same bottle over and over.

He's crazy, but most importantly, he's crazy for you.

[mugiwara-communications]

OP Characters as "Things in my Fridge"

To my mother, who doesn't read any of my work, I'm sorry I spent three hours with the fridge door open. I swear I was cleaning it out, but also just eating handfuls of cheese when you weren't looking.

:)

Monkey D. "Strawhat" Luffy: White people leftovers from dinner, porkchops with fried potatoes :)

"Pirate Hunter" Roronoa Zoro: Horrible roughly chopped green onions in a baggy shoved under a bag of cherry tomatoes. I don't remember cutting any onions recently, and I hate tomatoes.

"Cat Burglar" Nami: Cutie mandarines... cuz she's a cutie. She'd probably kill me because it's not a tangerine, but they aren't in season yet.

"God" Usopp: A five-pound bag of shredded colby jack cheese that I eat handfuls at a time.

"Black Leg" Sanji: My man is the whole fridge in this case, y'all, he's the anything and everything.

"Cotton Candy Lover" Tony Tony Chopper: 1/3 full can of 'Cotton Candy' flavored Bang. And yes that is actually in my fridge at this moment and not just picked out because they're both cotton candy.

"Devil Child" Nico Robin: Not in the fridge, but the hideous and beautiful drawing my niece did of me stuck to the door. It's my prized possession and I know Robin would keep all of Luffy's drawings.

"Iron Man" Franky: A single open can of faygo twist, and no it wasn't flat.

"Soul King" Brook: A pitcher of Sweet Tea! Freshly made!

"Knight of the Sea" Jinbe: The chuck of salmon I spent $25 on and get to dice up for my kitty later.

“Oni” Yamato: Chinese takeout that I don't remember buying, but will be eating later hell yeah.

"Surgeon of Death" Trafalgar Law: A near empty bottle of cold brew coffee. SToK brand because I'm not rich enough to buy starbucks.

"Captain" Eustass Kid: A random dirty/used knife, (not bloody.)

"Massacre Soldier" Killer: The birthday cake I found with the knife. And no, it hasn't been anyone's birthday recently, but that cake does say 'Happy Birthday' in blue icing.

"Red Flag" X Drake: A three-pound industrial container of melted chocolate I could use for ice cream, milkshakes, chocy milk, licking off his big sexy chest, and so much more.

"Big Eater" Jewelry Bonney: Frozen Totino's pizza rolls that my sister put in the wrong area again. Combination, but I don't care for the sausage.

"The Magician" Basil Hawkins: Bottle of ranch, nothing else. Not even spiced, magical ranch. Just plain, normal, 'good for salads and pizzas' ranch.

"Whitebeard" Edward Newgate: Okay, not 'in' my fridge, but I keep boxes of cereal on top and recently bought an off-brand called 'Bye-Os' indeed of 'Cheerios' and that is the perfect dad joke.

Marco "The Phoenix": A suspiciously perfect bag of grapes. Like delicious, juicy, tender, firm... grapes, yes, the grapes. Good grapes.

Portgas D. "Fire Fist" Ace: The butter I've also yelled at my sister not to put in the fridge so many times. It's the toast butter! It's got, like, crumbs in it, so it can't be used for much else!

Gol D. "Gold" Roger: You know those plastic, reusable ice cubes? I have 8 million of them little bitches, they leak like hell, and I know that he'd, proudly, be one of them.

Silvers "Dark King" Rayleigh: The cheap-ass bottle of 10% wine I sippy-sip when I'm saddy-sad. He could be something of higher quality if I could afford it.

"Red Hair" Shanks: Near empty bottle of ketchup I have to shake and beat on the counter to use. Most likely separated and gross, but give it a few shakes and it's usable again.

Buggy "The Clown": Call me white, but he's a good potato salad. AND WHEN DONE RIGHT, IT'S REAL GOOD. He's the comfort of potato, the crunch of pickle, and the miracle of miracle whip.

Dracule "Hawk Eyes” Mihawk: A bottle of apple juice that looks and smells like it's been fermenting for twenty years.

“Sir” Crocodile: Dill relish looking ass that is mostly juice instead of the pickles. However, usable in many dishes.

Boa “Pirate Empress” Hancock: My niece is just learning why some foods have to go in the fridge and will stick things in there when no one is looking to help, so Boa is the packet of double stuff oreos I have been looking for all day.

Donquixote Doflamingo “Joker”: Gross bitch can be my father's sour kraut for all I care, I don't eat it and I ain't touching this man with a ten-foot pole.

Donquixote "Corazon" Rosinate: Chocolate-covered strawberries in a bag that has been sitting next to a bag of raspberries, which now I can't eat either of them because I'm allergic.

"Revolutionary Chief of Staff" Sabo: Thirteen different miniature hot sauce bottles that came in a large kit, all different levels of spice and flavor... Go, white boy, go.

"Pirate Princess" Nefertari Vivi: Pretty spring fruit cocktail, with watermelon, cucumber, and cherries. I bought that bitch at public!

Bartolomeo "The Cannibal": A half-eaten watermelon that is mostly just the rind left.

"Ghost Princess" Perona: A brand new bottle of apple juice I just opened and won't let ferment!

[1997-jk]

LEGAL || Calum Hood • chapter 2 •

- hi, this is chapter 2 of my Calum fanfiction.

If you have any feedback please send it to me, I want to make this as best as I can. Also if you want to be tagged in future chapters, please, reply to this.

Thank you for reading!

CHAPTER 1

----

Adelaine

"Why is that?" I could feel him moving closer to me, I can almost feel his breath on the back of my neck. "We are not that different, Addie."

No one called me Addie since high school. It was just something I hated.

My name was already "little girls" name, and Addie just made it much worse.

"We-we should head back inside Kristen is all alone." I stuttered. I didn't understand why he had this effect on me. Kristen seemed completely normal while talking to him, like she wasn't even affected by the way he was talking to her, moved his fingers and- oh my god- his looks.

"Don't worry miss. She got a call from someone and I didn't want to bother her." I turned around and I saw Krissy talking on a phone through the window. It was Luke. I knew by the way she was twirling a thin strand of her long hair in between her thumb and index finger. 

"Why do you call me miss?"

"Because you seem so innocent and I like it." I slowly nodded my head and wrapped my arms around my stomach because of the sudden feeling of cold air.

"Addie, where is your jacket?" His voice was much calmer and softer than just a moment ago. "At home, I didn't feel like wearing it today." He chuckled while scrolling on his phone before putting it in his pocket and took of his jacket, handing it to me quickly.

"Thank you." My voice was shaking and I was unsure of my choice of words.

"I need something in return Addie." I gave him a curious look while I was putting on his jacket. "Give me your number."

"Oh, no." I shook my head no at him, and his face immediately formed into a frown and his eyes darkened. "I don't take no as an answer, babe." I stood there, acted like I couldn't hear what he was saying and took another, my last, cigarette from a pack before throwing it away. 

"You should not be ignoring me, you know? It doesn't suit you - this attitude." I shrugged my shoulders and clicked my tongue. "You don't know nothing about me Calum." The laughed at me, really loudly. "You know that I can find out everything about you in literally seconds." "Oh really? How can you do that?" I questioned him, I was sure he would just type my name into Facebook or Google search me. 

He took his phone once again, and dialed someones number. "Hey, Mike. Can you do a quick search on someone for me?" He murmured something under his breath and continued to speak much cleared after that. "Yes. Her name is Adelaine Ray and he attends Columbia University, Law programme."

 My eyes widened with realization he really could find out everything. 

"No, I don't know what year is she currently."

"She works for a Joshua Millers firm on Upper East."

"Yes. Thanks man! Text me the rest." he finished his call and immediately placed his phone in his pocket.

My heart raced, I was scared because my information was so easy for him to get.

His phone vibrated, but he ignored it. He probably knew what it was.

"Your full name is Adelaine Ella Ray. You attended Horace Mann School and then went to Columbia.

Your mother is a pre-school teacher and your father is a dentist."

My breath hitched and he let out a little laugh.

"I told you I could find out things, love." He smiled widely at me. When he smiled, his eyes crunched and were almost shut. When he smiled he seemed friendly, but his serious face was back on in seconds. I stomped my feet on the ground and took his jacket off before throwing it a him.

"You still know nothing about me. I'm leaving right now. Good bye!" I practically screamed good bye at him as I entered the restaurant to say goodbye to Krissy.  She kissed me on my cheek and promised she would text me later to talk about this meeting.

On my way out I accidentally brushed my arm against him, but I never turned around. I could have seen him typing something on his phone.

I could also hear him say something under his breath, but I ignored it.

My phone vibrated in my purse. Shivers went throughout my body and I just now regretted not wearing a coat. I quickly turned off my sound not taking my phone out of the purse and continued walking.

These past 20 minutes have been somewhat of a hell, you could say. The way he was talking to me made me actually really scared.

As soon as I sat down on a subway I took out my phone, scrolled down and saw a bunch of messages from a past few hours.

Three from my sister Claire, three from Krissy and one from an unknown number.

I unlocked my phone and started reading what someone had to say.

*hello miss.*

*i told you i can find out everything.

i have really good connections in this town, baby girl.*

I had to reread it a couple of times. I couldn't believe how persistent he actually was.

I replied to Krissy and Claire, and continued to think about past few hours.

---

12:00 am

I couldn't sleep at all tonight.

He was on my mind.

Why was I even thinking of him?

He was acting weird and like he can do anything.

I mean, he could probably. But I can associate myself with someone like that.

My phone buzzed on my night stand.

*baby girl

you better reply to me.*

I ignored that one too, just like I did his first one.

I didn't like his pet names.

---

2:00 am

I was woken up by yet another buzzing sound from my night stand.

I knew it was him. Weird feeling took over and I grabbed my phone with my shaking hands.

*i don't like this attitude adelaine!*

I decided I should probably reply back.

*please, leave me alone. you and i have nothing to do with each other. *

*baby girl. finally... and yes we actually have.*

I sighed, placed my phone back and drifted back to sleep.

Yesterday's meeting brought nothing good.

—

@calumthoodling @rexorangecounty