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anythingandeverything1d · 5 years ago

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Falling (part 2)

Part 1: https://anythingandeverything1d.tumblr.com/post/615981743290400768/falling

You looked at your watch, the concert was in a few hours and you instantly ran upstairs to get ready, fighting back the logic your brain warned you about and following your heart. You tore your closet open looking for the perfect outfit, but for what occasion. For the first time in months you softly smiled and let yourself think about the possibility of Harry. The nights that you missed so much, his soft hair in your fingers, his dimples, the way he kissed you, the way he laughed and told horrible jokes, all of it. “Ughhh” you moaned leaning back against the wall. “What am I getting myself into?”

30 minutes later and you had thrown almost every article of clothing you owned onto your bedroom floor. You had decided on black skinny jeans, a white crop top, and your hair had been thrown into a half bun (one of Harry’s favorite looks on you) “ugh what have I actually become” you mumbled to yourself while putting on some hot pink lip gloss and grabbing your jacket off the door. You grabbed the envelope with the tickets and opened the door revealing your friend. She looked you up and down with a suspicious glance.

“Where are you going?”

“Uhh nowhere...”

“Nowhere?”

“Yep, I better get going..” She grabbed your wrist and stopped you. “You're going nowhere looking like that? Really? You expect me to believe that...” You glanced at the envelope quickly and nodded trying to continue out the door. “Whats this?” She took the envelope from your hand and peered inside. “Oh my god. You are not. Theres no way you are going to Harry’s concert..”

“I need to. Okay. I need to know. I need closure.” You ranted on a quick explanation of seeing him at the gas station and the note on the back of the ticket and sighed. “You don't understand...I need to go. I need to move on.”

“Fine then we are going together. There’s no way Im letting you make a stupid rash decision when he bats those eyes and smiles at you. Nope. If you're doing this, we are doing it together.” And with that you smiled, grabbed her hand and pulled her to the car.

Harry’s POV:

Harry was pacing the dressing room. His mind was moving a million miles a minute but yet everything was focused on one thing. You. He was sweating, so nervous about what the night would bring. He had specifically chosen the pink suit you had picked out for him so long ago. Paired with the black button down he wore on your first date. He picked the outfit specifically for you tonight and he hoped it would work. Of course he hadn’t ever stopped thinking of you, but seeing you at the gas station had sealed the deal. He needed you back in his life. Even as a friend. He knew he had screwed up. It had only been a few months without you but he was crumbling slowly. He was the one who fucked everything up. He hadn’t been present in the relationship for a while. He had dragged you along for the journey. He would leave and not call or text. And then there was Sarah. He never wanted to cheat but after drinking too much it had happened and of course you had been there to see it happen. Sarah was great and Harry had flirted for a while...but there wasn’t a spark. There wasn't anything that was there when you were in his life. He knew the moment you said goodbye that he had ruined the best thing in his life. He got lucky his show was in town tonight and even more lucky that you still lived in the same apartment complex. He left the tickets and passes but had no idea if you would even show up. He just prayed. “Please (y/n)...please come...I need you..” he mumbled with his head down.

“What?” Mitch asked walking in.

“Nothing.” Harry said looking up.

“Well 20 minutes till showtime.”

“Okay. Hey is there anyone backstage looking for me or anyone using a backstage pass left in my name?” Harry asked anxiously.

“No. Not that I know of anyone. Who are you expecting Styles..a girl?” He wiggled his eyebrows and laughed as Clare, Sarah, and Adam walked in.

“Oh what’s going on. What are we teasing Harry about now?” Clare asked.

“A girl.” Mitch answered.

“Shut up guys.” Harry mumbled looking at Sarah. She had agreed friends was better and he was glad because he felt nothing but that. It was still a little awkward though. “Let’s just go. It’ll be great right? We can do this.”

Your POV:

You and your friend has pushed up to the front where the seats were and you were shaking you were so nervous. Of course everyone acknowledged you as you walked in so it took forever to find your seats but luckily the lights were dimming as you sat down. Smoke rolled off the stage and everyone cheered. You stood up slowly feeling a little light headed. You looked up and he was there. His head down. His pink suit. Hair pushed back in a wave and a small smile in the corner of his mouth. It was too much. You pushed back a few rows to where you were no longer visible and sat down collecting yourself. You just listened to the music. He was amazing. His album was amazing...of course you already knew that because you had listened the moment it was released. He really was a super star. You were proud too because he had waited for this moment for years.

Towards the end of the concert Harry had begun searching the crowd with his eyes. Scanning row by row until he found you. His green eyes locked on yours. His mouth slight parted and his breathing was heavy from the last song. He curved his mouth up into a smile, his eyes never leaving yours. “There’s a song I’ve been working on. I decided tonight to play it. I hope you all enjoy, Ive worked hard on it.” He nodded to the band behind him and the music started.

“I’m in my bed. And you're not here. And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands. Forget what I said. Its not what I meant. And I can't take it back. I can't unpack the baggage you left.” His eyes never strayed from yours. You knew what was happening. There were a few songs on the album about you, but this was different. Your eyes clouded with tears and you couldn't breathe. “What am I now, What am I now, What if I’m someone I don't want around. I’m falling again, I’m falling again, I’m falling.” Harry broke eye contact and looked down. Pouring himself into the words of the songs. You sat on the floor and put your head between your legs trying to breathe. Your friend was rubbing your back. Harry got to the end of the song “What if I’m down? What if I’m out? What if I’m someone you won't talk about? Im falling again, Im falling again, I’m falling.” And with that he bowed and ran off stage. The crowd of people slowly began clearing and you were able to breathe a little better.

“Want to go home now?” your friend asked still slightly concerned at how pale your face was. You shook your head and stood up, pulling the backstage pass out. You ran to the guard and showed him before following him back. It was only a minute before you saw the pink suit. It stood out in a crowd very easily.

“Harry Edward Styles!” you shout, tears already forming in your eyes. He turns quickly and looks at you slightly stunned, and you continue forward pointing a finger at him. “What the hell was that?” You asked. He looked unsure of what to say. Finally he looked at you and sighed.

“That was my new song. What else would it be?” He sarcastically replied.

You didn’t know what else to say. You just stared at him, your nostrils flaring and his eyes intently watching your every move. Your friend came forward and grabbed your hand. “Come on (y/n), you don't need this.” She gently pulled you towards the door.

“No.” His hand went out and grabbed your other wrist. “We need to talk.” He looked you in the eyes. “Thats why you're here right? Why else would you come?” His tone was harsh and you had no idea why. You looked at him and then at your friend. Your head was spinning again and you felt like you needed to sit down. You reached for the floor and felt yourself falling . “(y/n)!” Harry’s voice now very concerned shouted. Your eyes fluttered close and you hit the floor.

Harry’s POV:

Harry didn’t know why he was being mean. He felt angry that you came back just to attack the song he had written about her. That he had poured so much energy and emotion into. When you had looked at him, he saw a slight fear in your eyes. You were scared of him and he didn’t want that. He saw you reach for the floor and your eyes close. He knew this, you were fainting. It was something that had happened a few time in the past. Scared him to death very time. This was no exception. He tried to catch your head and cushion the fall. You had hit the floor and he had immediately pulled you onto his lap and rocked you slowly. “(y/n) wake up...youre okay. Just please open your eyes...” He touched his forehead to yours and breathed slowly.

“This is your fault Styles.” your friend remarked kneeling next to him. “You overwhelmed her. You shouldn’t have even given her tickets. You nearly killed her two months ago. You don't even deserve the chance to speak to her.”

“(y/n)...open your eyes. You’re okay.” Harry ignored your friends comments and hummed softly, his eyes closed and his head against yours.

Your POV:

Your eyes slowly opened and you heard a low and soft humming. Your head was pounding and you were acutely aware of arms wrapped tightly around you. You looked up and saw anxious green eyes staring into yours. Harry let out a shaky deep breath and moved his head back. You awkwardly climbed out of his arms and attempted to stand. You wobbled a bit and he immediately grabbed on and steadied you. You looked at your friend who was watching Harry very closely. “(y/n) can we please talk...alone.” he mumbled looking at your friend. You nodded your head, earning a sigh of relief from him. You looked at your friend telling her it was okay and let Harry pull you into his dressing room. He sat you on the couch and stood in front of you, running his fingers through his hair. “I don't even know where to start...”

“How about at the part where you left these tickets on my porch..” you grumbled watching him.

“I needed you here. I couldn’t get you out of my head after the gas station. It’s been so long...theres so much I’ve wanted to tell you but I couldn't because you blocked my calls.”

“Yeah because you cheated on me Harry. After 5 years?! You broke everything we had built together. All for some random girl?” You were annoyed but when you looked at him tears were falling down his cheeks and that made you sad. You didn’t want him to be upset. He had taken the jacket off and thrown it on a chair in the corner.

“I know....I know I ruined everything. It wasn't supposed to happen, it was a dumb mistake and I will forever regret it. The minute I saw you...I knew. I knew I had ruined the best thing in my life. There was never anything between me and her it was always just a drunk mistake. When you said goodbye I nearly lost it. I knew I would never love anyone but you. I haven't even looked a girl since that night. You're the only one I ever needed. I am so so so very sorry.I know I can’t take anything back but I need you. I can’t let you go, not again.” Your eyes were tearing up again and he reached up to wipe them away. His fingers rubbed my jaw and he leaned closer. You were suddenly very aware of him, his smell, everything. You leaned closer breathing faster and his lips cautiously met yours. You gave in. You fell against him and his hand pulled you unbearably close. He kissed you in a way that made you drown in him. He made the kiss deeper, adding more force and biting down on your lip. You moaned, opening your lips more allowing his tongue inside of your mouth. You sat up and ran your fingers through his hair, playing with the curls at the base of his neck while he trailed fingers up your back. If you died right now, you would be content. This moment was everything your body had been aching for the past two months. You grabbed the buttons on his shirt and went to pull it off. He pushed you back onto the cushions of the couch, your legs wrapped tightly around his waist. “Fuck I missed you (y/n).” He breathed into your ear before biting the soft skin on your neck. Yikes that was going to bruise for sure...

“I missed you too Harry” you managed before turning his head and bringing his lips back to yours. He kissed you like his life depended on it. Like there was nothing else he needed but you. You matched his energy. He had your shirt pulled almost over your head when there was a knock at the door and in walked a girl. She looked familiar..the hair... Harry looked up, his cheeks bright red. You sat up, pulling your shirt down and looking from her to Harry.

“Sarah.” Harry managed while trying to catch his breath. “Is everything okay?” He looked anxious.

You looked at her again and it hit you. “Sarah?” You looked at Harry again with pain in your eyes.

“(y/n)....wait. It’s, It’s not what you think..” He grabbed your hand as you stood up.

“She’s in your band?” You were crying again. Sarah was uncomfortable and moving towards the door.

“Im going to go...I’ll catch you later Harry.” she left closing you back in the room with Harry. You turned toward him.

“Really?” You said again looking at him.

“Like I said before, she was a mistake. I was drunk, she was drunk and that's all there is. There is absolutely nothing between us. I swear.” He stood up and walked towards you again. “(y/n), love, theres nothing between me and her. Its strictly work related.”

“Did you kiss her after we broke up? Did the two of you...” You asked staring at him.

He looked down and shifted uncomfortably, giving you your answer. You wanted an answer though. “Harry. Did. You. Have. Sex. With. Her.”

“She kissed me...we...we just.... The next morning. But I swear I broke it off after that. I told her the truth. There was no feeling. There was nothing. You're all I could think of. I promise on my mums life there is nothing between us. There never will be.” Harry grabbed your hand and pulled you into his arms. He held you while you cried, rubbing your back.

“I can't do this right now Harry. I really can’t. I...I need to go.” You pushed him away and walked to the door. Turning one last time you looked at him, his eyes shining with tears and you left.

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What do you guys think?? Part 3?? Let me know! xoxo

#one direction #one direction fanfiction #one direction imagines #Harry Styles #harry styles fanfiction #harrystyles #louis tomlinson #liam payne #Niall Horan #falling

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ryollie · 5 years ago

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really grateful for all the overwhelming nice messages from the ask game!! after some thought i decided to share why i keep disappearing for days and a bit about how my feelings work. i’ll put it under a cut because it’s personal and can contain triggering content!

i have borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and paranoid scizophrenia. unfortunately, bpd is genetic, my dad had it, and now i do. there’s a lot to unpack for bpd, but in short what i experience is mostly:

fear of abandonment

intense self-hatred and distorted self-image

very black/white thinking (”oh, i love this person, they’re great!” can become “fuck this person. i wish they were dead.”)

very unstable moods. sometimes i’m so happy and the next five minutes i’m very upset

bpd is very hard to handle in a relationship. and its really unfortunate that when i was 16, i got into a relationship with an adult who was extremely abusive, both physically and emotionally, and it worsened my bpd severely. i wont describe what happened in specifics but i developed ptsd and paranoid scizophrenia from it. i managed to leave this terrible relationship when i was 19, which is still quite recent (i turned 20 last november.) after i left, i was in one of the worst mental states i could’ve been in, i felt used and broken by my abuser, and i didn’t have a sense of identity anymore. i would flinch and have a full-on panic attack when someone raised their voice at me or accidentally hurt me (pushing me, a light hit etc.) to cope with a lot of the abuse i’ve been put through, my brain has simply decided that the only way to defend myself from bad situations in the future, as minor as they can be, is to lash out at others, saying hurtful things, and even physically hurting them so they’d leave me alone. this isnt acceptable behavior. i’ve been going to behavioral therapy to get better at managing my feelings and thought processes. i really cannot handle bad situations, even now. its ironic in a way, that they seem like completely minor issues compared to the things ive been through before but my brain doesnt think that way. i have a very set way in dealing with bad situations and it always ends up hurting other people and i never want that. i dont want to end up like my abuser just because i’ve been a victim.

whenever something bad happens, i use all my mental energy to isolate myself from my friends, family, everyone, until the abusive, bad defense mechanism thoughts die off on its own. this is to ensure i wont act out onto it and hurt other people. during the period of isolation, i end up generating a lot of self-hatred for myself, like why am i so messed up, why am i like this, why am i feeling this way, why won’t it get better? so unfortunately, sometimes the self-hatred is overwhelming and i have episodes where i try to harm myself or even end my own life (depending on the severity of it) and i end up in the hospital too often for my liking. when i say im really exhausted, i mean it. im really tired that even isolation is so difficult, and i feel like im taking so many steps back when i relapse. i do take my medication, i do go for therapy, but its so difficult to undo the years of trauma he inflicted on me. replying to conversations require mental energy for me. so if i’m using all of it to isolate, i can’t reply quickly.

i wish i wasnt this way. i want to be a better me. so dont worry too much about the next time i disappear for a few days, im just isolating myself so i dont hurt other people. im really grateful for my best friends who understand my condition and give me space but still reminding me they care about me. i made this blog bc i was inspired by some artists in the fandom. i wanted to learn to live again and used my blog as a fresh starting point. i wanted to make friends. develop characters i made from my own hands. practice drawing until i get better. rlly little things that make a big change in my life. my life is really messy and i dont know what im really doing, but i hope my efforts in trying to make small changes to improve my life can make me happier in the long term. i really hope one day i can make it to the finish line, wherever that is.

#i think im just rambling bc im tired its like 5am #i have to wake up at 8am..rip me #personal

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lit--bitch · 5 years ago

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Current-Reads (20/04/2020 - 26/04/2020) 🍓🐢

(Disclosure: I don’t know anybody I’ve been currently reading this week. 😊)

Adding the preface again here: every Sunday without fail I throw up the freshest literature and photography I’ve read over the week, sometimes it’s a book, sometimes it’s a piece I saw in a magazine or an online zine, sometimes it’s something I saw on social media, etc. Sometimes I add ‘RECOMMEND’ next to a few of the titles, but that’s not to say I don’t recommend all of them, I just love some pieces more than others. Not everything will be everybody’s cup of tea, yanno, c’est la vie. And any titles that you see in bold are hyperlinked so if you click or tap them they’ll direct you straight to the source… or shopping basket.

This week I’m gonna throw in a red herring and tell you about something I’ve been watching as well as what I’ve been reading, because I think it’s really cool and definitely appropriate for the age we’re living in at the moment.

So I’ve been reading: Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) which was edited by her son, David. I also read an interview on Granta from March between Rachel Long and Morgan Parker. I’ve also tucked into a couple pieces on Fence, Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’ and Anthony Michael Morena’s ‘The Whale’. I also saw Cecelia Knapp’s poem in Bath Magg Issue Three (but the whole issue is an absolute smacker, it’s great). Last but not least, I’m up to episode 5 of a brand new thing called The Midnight Gospel. It is crazy good. And it’s on Netflix right now.

***

Cecilia Knapp, ‘I Used To Eat KFC Zingers Without Hating Myself’, Bath Magg Issue #3: I really loved the whole of Issue Three, I guess I was quite struck by this particular poem for its “staccato-ness”. This poem is buttered with present-day references. But they’re not necessarily about creating a familiar environment. Rather the object of familiarity is found within the assemblage of places, snacks and thoughts, all of which compound the grief ‘I’ is experiencing. The ‘I’ ruminates on life’s banality and their personal insecurities in living banality: ‘I need a thigh gap. I use emojis / to avoid conflict. Worry I’m a gentrifier. Watch docs about murdered women’. The vapidity is funny. The pain is not. The insecurities deepen. Your body, your life, continues the ache of day-to-day routine, and finds no resolution in the things which may or may not stand to comfort oneself when ravaged by loss. The poem feels quite loose, and disinterested. It’s a sore poem, but its array of references make it colourful. It sort of reminded me of Édouard Levé’s work a little bit? But if Édouard Levé had been a pop culture fanatic chewing HubbaBubba bubblegum on the London Overground. Bath Magg is a pretty exciting new magazine, (been around just under a year I think?) and they’ve published a lot of great writers, many of whom are emerging and I’ve spotted some quite established peple in there too. Kudos to their rubber ducky logo. It’s run by Mariah Whelan and Joe Carrick-Varty.

In Conversation with Morgan Parker and Rachel Long, Granta Magazine: I deeply love Morgan Parker’s work, she’s, in my opinion, the master of titles. I can’t think of anybody who titles their work as well as Morgan Parker does. And I love the depth of honesty and charisma in this interview. Like yeah, it appears to be a generic Q/A but, it genuinely feels like a conversation, and it’s welcoming and unpretentious. Rachel Long asks some penetrating questions, and Morgan’s answers are so detailed and self-aware. Most of the discussion revolves around the action of writing poetry in general and where does that impulse arise from, but they do discuss Morgan’s latest collection Magical Negro which came out February last year. It’s a narrative on black womanhood, on micro-aggressions and reoccuring violence, it’s about breaking down white perceptions of blackness, and dissolving those projections. What I love about Morgan Parker is she’s tackling this fucking idiot thing where (mostly) white people think she’s attempting to represent all black women in her writing, which is, by Morgan’s own admission, impossible. Her work is a duty to herself, to the background she’s lived and lives, and to unpack that discourse in her own way. And if it resonates, then great! I felt all this was inherent in the interview and only adds to my respect for her, and to Rachel for being such an attentive interviewer. BTW Rachel Long has a debut collection coming out this July, My Darling from the Lions.

Anthony Michael Morena, ‘The Whale’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): I can’t tell you how much I adored this beautiful mass of whale and word. It’s an essay which references the American Natural History Museum’s Blue Whale model. The writing is thick with feeling and fat with concern. It blends monologue, memoir. It’s non-fiction and documentary. It’s elusive, enigmatic, fragmented. It’s like broken biscuits and blubber. To me it felt like a note on the offences of climate change, the emotional response and grief as we bystand erosion and corrosion, the loss of life, and the urge to merge something back together as it dissolves and fragments before our eyes. It’s as personal as it is public. A gorgeous and complex piece.

Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) (RECOMMEND): I felt so afflicted reading Susan Sontag’s diaries, because y’know, it’s the equivalent of invading an Ancient Egyptian pharaoh’s tomb. Like, leave people alone. At the same like, this woman. These diaries are still shaping me, and each section leaves you with the weirdest aftertaste. Her personality permeates through every detail, every line-break, every reference and articulation of feeling. You learn so much, you gain so much from her perceptions and observations. How do I contain Susan Sontag? How do I describe these diaries? Not at all. Just buy it.

Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): My eyes locked onto this piece and just didn’t really stop reading. Lexi’s voice is enamouring and hypnotic. It’s so violent too. You’re lunged into friction burns and sports injuries, time and progression, the tensions between collectivity and individuality, family and sexuality, or as Fence put it, ‘lesbian eros’. This piece felt acidic. At times you can’t tell if the ‘I’ is indifferent or hurting to the point of numbness. It straddles so many different thematics, and breaks down a lot of conventions pertaining to the “ideal experience” of family relationships and team work. The resolution seems to be that in spite of people, our collectivity is defined by our collective solitude. This essay kicked me around a football field. It takes a good few repeated reads to appreciate its kaleidoscopic shifting, but it’s definitely one of my favourites.

The Midnight Gospel, from Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell, Netflix: (RECOMMEND) So the other day my friend Ben linked this to me and I had seen the trailer ages back and thought “Oh yeah I really wanna watch that”, but just forgot. After his reminder, I started watching it and ever since I’ve been saying to loads of other friends “Have you watched ‘The Midnight Gospel’ on Netflix?” because I’m d y i n g to talk about it with everybody.

I literally can’t categorise this “TV show” to you. It’s like if animation had a baby with a philosophy podcast and then put that baby onto an IV drip of psychedelics. It’s this swarm of different stimuli which you kind have to zone in on and absorb individually and yet somehow collectively.

So like, “Clancy” is a spacecaster who sets up “spacecasts” (podcasts) with creatures from other simulated worlds and he interviews them. But when Clancy transports himself into these worlds, it’s not like they’re sat down on some cream sofa with two glasses of water like it’s animated Oprah. No, his interviewees are like in the middle of fighting off a zombie apocalypse or meditating on a mountain or trying to find and save their lost lover. And Clancy just joins them on the journey and interviews them about their “specialism”. These are real people that are being interviewed like, the first episode is with Dr. Drew Pinker. And when you’re watching it, you think that the animation is totally separate to the conversation exchange the characters are having, but that’s not true. They have intersections, they have meaning. It only becomes obvious that it has meaning right at the end of each episode, but if you lock on you’ll see it’s all relevant throughout.

One of my friends was like “Oh I might stick that on tonight and have a joint” and I was like, don’t fucking get high when you’re watching this because it’s already intense enough as it is, like you know that Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell have felt some real shit to create this absolute rare jewel. In my opinion, you don’t need cannabis to appreciate these discussions. But if you wanna do it, then hey it’s a “free country”. And it’s not as though there’s a serious, central core plot like there is with Rick & Morty, I mean there is a kind of overarching plot but it’s not always integral. Like ultimately we’re invested in Clancy’s story but also all the stories of all the other people that come his way. There’s multiple plots, there’s multiple dimensions and ways of seeing. It’s a programme which delivers on multiplicity, which manifests itself in everything and everyone we see and know and touch and hear, etc, etc.

This production articulates some of the revelations that psychedelics can give you. Psychedelics don’t make you see the world literally like these animations do, but the sensations of the animation are reminiscent of an acid trip’s oscillating moods and sensitivities. It’s really cool, and it’s very poignant, and it’s my new favourite show to watch. And what’s so great about it is that, it requires multiple watches in order to really absorb everything in its entirety, so it’s a series you can just keep going back to even after you’ve seen them all. It’s re-watchable. Just fundamental goodness all round. Best way to indulge in it is with ice cream. 🍨

***

So that’s it for this week, next Friday’s review is Annie Ernaux’s A Girl’s Story translated by Alison L. Strayer, published with Fitzcarraldo Editions.

Stay safe and well as always, my little caramels. 💁🏽

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findingnirvana294 · 5 years ago

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Proposing to a real life mermaid

I woke up on a Saturday morning in quite a mood. Once again, Ivan had convinced me to spend yet another weekend in Ponta D’Ouro diving. Do not get me wrong, I was excited to try out my newly purchased equipment, but not so much about waking up at 4:30 to be diving at 6:30 in the morning. Pre-relationship, my weekends were filled with all nighters with my girlfriends and afternoons catching up with sleep to once again party by dinner! Here I was at 5:00 am driving to Ponta without having slept in once since Ivan and I began dating.

I won’t lie - I was in a horrible mood and ended up sleeping all the way to Ponta, not to mention I was the least agreeable person to be driving with for an hour. As soon as we get to the diving establishment, Gozo Azul, we begin unpacking and getting our equipment ready for our first dive at Pinnacles - a shark diving area. GREAT! I am still half asleep and barely speaking to anyone. All I wanted was a coffee that, until today, I’m not sure I had before we were escorted onto the tractor trailer to be taken to the beach where eventually a boat would take us to the diving spot.

As we arrive at the diving area, I begin to mount my fins, BCD and put my mask on my face. The ocean water on my face picked me up a little but I was exhausted and still moody. The skipper counts down 3, 2, 1, Go and off we roll back from the boat and into the water. Oh, and the depth of this dive goes down to 35meters… Fabulous! We start swimming down and level as a group while swimming around waiting for the sharks to swim around us. It wasn’t my first time diving with sharks (thank God!) So that did not wake me up further. However, the fact that I could not establish a neutral buoyancy was worrying me. Every time I looked at my air gauge, I kept losing air at an alarming rate. Never have I claimed to have some sort of experience with diving but with the 3 months of diving multiples time a day and multiple times every weekend, I knew enough to determine that my air was fleeting. This is finally what wakes me up as I did not want to start going up alone and do the safety stop at 5 meters before the surface by myself surrounded by sharks; that would have been the cherry on the top of my banana split day (i hate banana). Turned out that my BCD was leaking air through one fo the valves! Guys, if you get new equipment, make sure to twist every valve or knob, I was an idiot for not having tested it at home! As soon as the problem was identified and resolved by Ivan, we continued the dive and it was still terrible! We barely saw a shark! Although when we got on the boat, 12 bull sharks showed up and I was glad I wasn’t in the water!

Oh oh! I forgot yet another amazing detail! The day was grey and the sea was choppy as hell! We all thought we would be sick getting to the dive site, putting on our equipment and waiting for the countdown to roll back. As we were heading back after our Pinnacle dive, we all were still nauseous and one of the ladies on the boat got on her knees with her face out the boat. I turned to Ivan and told him that if she vomited, I would be next! Thankfully, we all got to land vomit free and headed back to the dive center to change our cylinders and prepare for our second dive. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we do 2 dives per day on a good day! Cue Samantha sitting on a bench glad to have not puked and wondering whether she should bail on the second dive in fear of puking her stomach out and worsening her mood. To add to this uninviting situation, the second dive was with Ivan’s work colleague and friends (and of course the skipper and dive master who are close to Ivan) who kept making inside jokes which only infuriated me further. Like even the staff were making inside jokes related to diving but I just wasn’t catching the drift of why it was so funny and attributed it to my horrible mood. Scratch that, Ivan demanding i do exercises underwater on our second dive to refresh my skills because I had new equipment was my infuriating point. I still snapped at him that he wasn’t my diving instructor and didn't understand why I had to not only do these exercises but also have his friend film it so that I could see what I was doing wrong! If you know me, I hate being patronized, or scrutinized for that matter. At this point, I remembered all the self growth and inner peace material I have read over the years and proceeded to have an internal conversation. Samantha, you got to make the most of this weekend, it's a waste to be in a mood, let’s turn this sh*t up! At that point, I picked up my phone and asked Ivan to take a selfie! It was such a cute selfie, check it out!

Fast forward to all of us on the boat once again but this time I’m in a cheery mood and noticed that Ivan was silent. For those who know Ivan, he is never quiet and for those who dive with him know he is the loudest one around! I looked at him and questioned if he was feeling sick to which he said he was nauseous from the sea and was feeling feverish (he did end out being bed sick for days after this with the highest fevers). We got to the dive site called 3 sisters and rolled back into our dive. The reef was beautiful in color and bountiful with sea life. We swam around for a while and toward then end of the 45 minute planned dive, Ivan signaled me to move to the spacious sandy area near the reef to do the exercises. By now my mood wasn’t as horrible but I was still irritated that he asked me to complete them. As we kneeled in front of each other, he pulled out the writing pad and notice his friend camera ready, so being efficient Samantha that we all know (and love?) I began doing the exercises such as recuperating my regulator. Please picture this: Ivan and I kneeling in front of each other, Ivan writing on the pad, his friends around me with cameras (although I had only noticed one of them shooting) and me stupidly throwing away my regulator and recuperating it to get through this humiliating episode faster. I then look at Ivan who isn’t watching me do the exercises but has now dropped the pencil and trying to find it in the sand. At this point I didn't realize he had lost the pencil and thought he had kneeled on something and try to see his knee. Can you imagine the setting? His work colleague eventually hands him a pencil and he shows me the pad which read: Will you marry me? Then there were two boxes, one with ‘S’ and one with “N.” Not going to lie, I got confused because the question was in English and the choices did not match! I immediately broke out laughing which isn’t a beautiful sight with a regulator in your mouth-the only possible way of breathing at 20-something meters under water. I crossed the ’S’ box and he pulled out the ring which he thoughtfully tied to a string in order not to lose it. Then the romantic moment came when we removed our regulators and had our engagement kiss *cue novela kiss song*.

After our moment, we then began to ascend to our safety stop and then onto the boat. Yes, it was the most romantic moment and I couldn’t have asked or imagined a better proposal but it was so frustrating not to be able to express myself underwater. We held each other and waited till we were on the boat to be able to probably kiss and hug and talk. That is after we got our equipment on the boat and I had to go through my seal upward half dive and half pull onto the boat (embarrassing every time)! I was the happiest woman alive and then everything began to flood in! Everyones inside jokes, why I was left out, why Ivan pressured for those underwater exercises. I later found out that the friend filming had only gone to film the engagement! And then I felt like the worst person because of how moody and grumpy I had been all morning!

Ivan, thank you for the most beautiful and thoughtful proposal. I could never have imagined a more unique experience doing something we both love from the beginning of our relationship. Despite being in a “level 3” lockdown, you have shown great bravery in living with me and putting up with my ups and downs be it about work, people, or just sheer annoyance of not being able to go out for dinner. You sir, are a hero in my book! But on a serious note, I cannot wait to continue growing our relationship and learning more about you, me and us together as a team! It's The Adventure I am most excited to embark! Ive read a lot about self growth and what a healthy relationship is supposed to be but I have you to thank for showing me. Thank you for supporting me when I'm most insecure, when I overreact in certain situation and most of all, thank you for loving me the way I am. You have helped me to love and accept myself even more.

I hope and wish everyone the love we have!

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englacial · 5 years ago

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ok this will probably be the only time i post about this but i just really wanted to make a post apologizing for my unreliability in activity here & the fact that i basically ghosted some very good friends who absolutely didn’t deserve that with no explanation -- nothing prompted this & things seem to be all good but i don’t want anyone thinking i just dropped off the map for no reason so im gonna give just a little insight to everything that’s been going on ! (long post ahead) <3

as a lot of my friends here know, in february of 2017 i got married (i was 19 and can say with certainty now it was a huge mistake & i made a hasty and immature decision but really could not see that at the time), i was super excited, felt like i was in a good relationship & was finally able to live my life, all that good sappy stuff -- so i literally moved across the country into a totally new state away from my friends & family with a fresh start with this person thinking that this was a great way to get out of my abusive living situation (as some of you who have been w me a long time may recall i got kicked out, was briefly homeless, and my life fell to literal shit) and also have someone who cared about me. but as some people suspected (and im really sorry for not taking your concerns for me more seriously, i know now that i shouldn’t have treated it so flippantly, i was just really blinded by my love for this person and i don’t think anyone could’ve gotten through) it was just... not all i made it out to be. he was really abusive and controlling and i made excuses for him and defended him, i let myself excuse a lot of things, wrote off any and all red flags, and ended up alienating a lot of friends (and family) who were just worried about me.

there were several moments later in my relationship that i started to realize what was happening, but i tried really hard to fix it within our relationship. i literally convinced myself i could change him. i pushed for counseling, group therapy, self help books, literally ANYTHING i could in an attempt to get him to see what he did. at one point i even sat down in the car with him to discuss things that needed fixing and he told me to my face that he didn’t think i deserved things. like direct quote “i just don’t feel like you deserve things”.

it was bad, but i was still making excuses and still convinced he was a good person with good intentions just misdirected. (i was way off).

it wasn’t until january of this year that i kind of had the biggest wake up call as to the things he was putting me through and that he just... wasn’t a good person, and it took him divorcing me for it to really hit me everything that happened.

in january, he announced out of the blue that he was divorcing me but that he still wanted a relationship with me but that he felt we needed to “work on ourselves separately” to do better in our relationship. i ignorantly believed him at first and for a few months post-divorce we had an “open relationship” (really just his way of having his cake and eating it to, he wanted all the benefits of a relationship with me without the work and i didn’t realize that initially), however i pretty quickly found out this was him wanting to control me and still have the romantic/sexual benefit he got from our relationship without the burden of having to actually communicate and work on himself the way he claimed. he watched me get a job, get my own car, and do everything i was supposed to without him ever lifting a finger to do hard work on himself & eventually i got fed up. over the few months of getting divorced i found out that he stole over $500 from me to buy my plane ticket home + a ticket for himself (the money was from savings i had for a camera so i could start doing photography, i thought he had ordered the camera but he actually used all of the money for the plane ticket which i only discovered later when .. lol, my camera never showed up and i confronted him), he gave me only 20 days to collect my things and arrange a new living situation (which put me back in the home of my abusive mom whom i still have to live with), made numerous threatening and scary posts about me on his social media accounts, i discovered he’d been cheating with potentially multiple women (when he shipped back some of the remainder of my possessions, there were clothes and beauty products that didn’t belong to me among them), i found transphobic posts he’d written about me being nonbinary & literally just SO MUCH other stuff that was absolutely unacceptable.

there’s way to much that happened post-divorce to even go into and this isn’t even including the things that occurred WHILE we were married. it just wasn’t a good thing at all.

in the midst of all of this, very recently, he alerted me no more than 6 months AFTER our alleged divorce at the beginning of july to tell me that the paperwork got kicked back to him and we were never actually divorced and that he had known SINCE BEFORE I HAD GOTTEN HOME that we weren’t officially divorced. it’s been a struggle getting things sorted, he’s committed all sorts of fraud, tricked me into sending nudes to him (yikes), and a whole number of things that have made me really begin to unpack how unhealthy and abusive our relationship was from the start.

he isolated me from all of me friends, regularly would encourage me to cut ties with people i cared about, and even limited my time online which cut into hobbies like this that i really enjoy. additionally, when we would visit my hometown, he would primarily want to spend time with his own family & wouldn’t give me much time to see mine. there were some other abusive things that happened within the relationship prior to him announcing he was divorcing me, but they’re personal so i won’t go into a lot of detail but it was just very, very bad.

all of this are literal classic warning signs of abuse and i just... really fell for it. it makes me really ashamed to admit that, as someone who has been abused my whole life, i basically fell right into this trap all over again.

on top of all of this and the legal battles resulting, i have been dealing with a medical crisis linked back to a car accident in september of 2017. ive had a lot of bad stuff happen with my health that were tied to the misalignment of my neck and back that i DID NOT EVEN KNOW were related until only a few months ago when i got a second opinion from a much more experienced and adept doctor. ive had multiple surgeries from complications related to injuries i had initially been told didn’t exist, i’ve literally spent thousands of dollars for things that actually could’ve very simply been avoided had my spine been treated properly after my accident.

all of this has just... really taken me out of the rp scene but also made me a really shitty and unreliable friend. being in a controlling relationship isolated me from a lot. ive lost a lot of friends because i was in survival mode even after the relationship ended. i regret that a lot and i understand that it’s hard to be friends with someone when they are not present so ive been working a lot on myself nd how i communicate with the people i love when i feel unable to be in their lives for periods of time for one reason or another.

so now im 22 and divorced with the back problems of a 83 year old who’s three times divorced lmao it’s literally like... i sometimes feel a lot of shame for what i let myself go through but i know it’s not my fault that the person i thought i loved and thought loved me ended up not being who he said he was.

it sucked. there was a lot that happened that i can’t begin to even summarize. i still have some sleepless nights where i wonder why i wasn’t able to see it then when it was literally blatantly obvious what was happening, but hindsight is 20/20.

now, i can pretty happily say i am in a MUCH better situation. things are not perfect (im literally living with an abusive parent again and yikes but it is not near as bad as when i was a teenager), but i am no longer in a relationship that was about the convenience of using me more than it was caring about me, and alllllll of my medical stuff has an active treatment plan that has been working wonders for me!!! (yay!)

so i just wanted to firstly apologize for my inability to be in people’s lives the way ive wanted to. i know that this is hurtful and not ok. it was wrong of me to ghost and leave people wondering where i was or what i was doing and there’s no excuse for that tbh. im actively working to be more present in the lives of people i care about as well as communicate more when i am not able to be that present. it’s taken a lot to get to that point, and i want to secondly affirm that my inability to be consistent and reliable with this hobby as well as consistent and reliable as a friend has nothing to do with any kind of personal slight i had with anyone or anything else. it’s been a rough few years, it took me a long time to see that i was in a situation that was harming me, and there was a lot of fallout as a result.

rest assured, i intend to do a lot better about being here now that i feel like im properly adjusted. you can expect me to be a lot more communicative if i take time away and a lot more attentive to the things and relationships that i want in my life. ive taken way too much shit and let myself sacrifice too many people and situations for ONE person whose end goal was nothing more than using me to his convenience. i am not going to lose that again.

im in a much healthier relationship, taking care of the responsibilities i have as an adult, and have an active treatment plan for my various health needs that has improved my condition significantly. like, ya’ll.... life may not be perfect right now but it’s pretty damn good from where it was nd im excited to continue to grow and do better (for real this time) especially now that i feel like i can do the things i love again (like writing here with all of you lovely people).

thanks for reading!! sorry things have been sporadic, unreliable, confusing, and that i haven’t been a very good friend. i recognize these things & want to prove that i can do better now that i have a handle on things.

#* here for a good time not a long time / ooc #anyway... i didn't just want to show up out of the blue (AGAIN) and offer no explanation #i know that a lot of my friends are kind of fed up and if not fed up are just confused and worried and hurt #just want to offer some insight into... everything #i love the people ive met here very much #i love this hobby very much it has genuinely gotten me through a lot!#so i owe it to the community and the people here to explain what the fuck has been going on & yeah it's a lot #im not going to push this further tbh i just want my actions to speak for themselves as to how i intend to do better #i know telling people what im gonna do only does so much lmao i have to actually ACT on that and do it #but anyway!! here's this. thanks for reading ! triggers are tagged #abuse tw #car accident tw #long post //#(if you notice anything else that needs to be tagged let me know!)

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stillthewordgirl · 6 years ago

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LOT/CC fic: Wager

Sara and Leonard definitely have some issues to work out since his return, but it's been an adjustment for the entire Legends team. And they, of course, deal with that in their own unique way. (Set during and not long after "Me vs. You.")

Yeah, I love this 'verse. Here's another one! Please note that it's set partly during the, err, events of "Me vs. You" and partly afterward. Many thanks to LarielRomeniel for the beta.

Still with my own weird take on who Charlie might be (I want Mick to befriend a dragon, OK?) and the Constantine & Gideon 'ship no one asked for! (Hellship? Magicship?) Can also be read here at AO3.

Find the series here at AO3.

“Aw, come on, luv.” John Constantine leans back against the table in the rec room and looks beseechingly up at the ceiling. At least, Mick thinks he’s trying to look beseeching. If anything, that sort of expression came less easily to the warlock’s face than to Mick’s own. And that was saying something.

“Just a ‘yes’ or ‘no.’” Constantine, apparently forgetting who he’s talking to, absentmindedly sticks his unlit cigarette back in his mouth. “To settle the bet. That’s pretty innocent, right?”

Mick, who’s sprawled on one of the room’s sofas, snorts. He can nearly hear Gideon’s sigh. For an AI, she’s got more personality than a lot of the people he’s known. Of course, after more than three years, he’s known her longer than he’s bothered knowing a lot of people. Er, more normal-like people.

“Mr. Constantine,” Gideon says almost primly. “As I have told you before, that is, quite frankly, none of your business.”

That’s about the fifth time she’s told the warlock that. Mick snorts again. Constantine glances his way and flashes a quick grin around his cigarette. Zari, perched on one of the stools at the table, just shakes her head. Nate mutters something, and Ray gives him a look.

Charlie has long since wandered away, uninterested in human drama—or, Mick thinks to himself, more uncomfortable with it. He gets it. He often feels the same, after all, the motives and reactions and feelings of so-called normal people a mystery.

Well. They’re none of them particularly normal, here, if normal is even a thing that really exists. (He’s pretty sure, these days, that it isn’t.)

Still, the human drama here is between two of the people he lov....he likes most in the world. Two people he wants to be happy...and to stick around. Blondie, he’s pretty sure, isn’t going anywhere; this is her ship now and she’s captain more than assassin, even if she’s still just as badass as ever.

Snart...well.

“I can’t believe this,” Nate mutters to himself, getting up from his own seat. “It’s more likely she pushed him out an airlock. Haven’t you heard them since Snart come back on board? I don’t think they’ve exchanged two words without fighting.”

Mick frowns. Pretty’s having a hard time dealing with Snart’s presence on the Waverider, and he supposes he can sorta understand, even though he’s still ridiculously pleased about it himself.

“He’s not the one you saw,” he tells Nate tersely. “As part of the Legion.” He really hates these moments when loyalties old and new clash. For that reason alone, he hopes Constantine wins his wager. Could solve a lot of problems.

Or create new ones. But right now, he’d be OK with new ones.

The historian paces to the other side of the room, then turns, starting back at him.

“Isn’t he?” Pretty demands. “Isn’t he the exact same person? Just from a few years later in the timeline? What makes you really think he’s changed that much?”

“Other than the fact he’s been working with us for a month?” Zari asks, even as Ray stands up, too, distress on his face. Mick’s just trying to not to show that the words hurt, taking a pull of his beer as he tries to figure out what, if anything, he wants to say.

He should have left with Charlie.

“Snart was...is a hero,” Haircut speaks up staunchly to Pretty. “I told you what happened. He sacrificed himself—or he thought he was going to, anyway—to free time. And even before that, he saved our lives lots of times. Russia...Salvation...”

“Could say the same about me,” Mick cuts in, once he decides what he wants to say, before anyone else can distract him. He looks right at Nate. “How d’you know I’ve changed? I was...I was a lot worse than Snart, really. Once.” He shrugs uncomfortably. He is, now that he thinks about it, pretty sure Nate has no idea about Chronos. But even before the bounty hunter, he’d been…he’d done a lot of bad things. It’d been Snart who kept him in line.

Nate’s angry look fades, a little. For a moment, he looks pretty uncomfortable, too.

“You...you’ve proven it,” he says. “Lots of times.”

“So did Snart. You just weren’t there t’see most of it.”

“Will you all shut up?” Constantine asks, turning to survey the room with a world-weary eyeroll. He glares around indiscriminately, then takes his cig out of his mouth and looks back up.

“Gideon, luv,” he explains again. “All I want to know if they’ve snogged yet.” He puts the cigarette back in his mouth. That thing must be disgusting by now. “Or shagged.”

Nate snorts now. “Sara’s got better taste than that,” he says with disgust. “He’s like, 20 years older than her…”

“Good bit less than that, Pretty.”

“And she gained two years in Nanda Parbat, and he lost three in the timestream…”

Zari laughs like she can’t quite hold the humor back. “You...” she says, pointing at Nate, “...have got some weird ideas of good taste.”

Haircut gives her a rather wide-eyed look. “You think Snart’s good looking?” he asks, a bit plaintively. “I mean, I guess he sort of is. If you like that bad-boy type...”

Zari looks thoughtful. “Mm. Those eyes...” she muses. “He’s not my type. But he does have pretty eyes.”

Pretty snorts again. Mick shakes his head. Constantine smirks.

After they’d all beat their hasty retreat from the confrontation on the bridge, collecting down in the rec room without even discussing it, no one had wanted to talk about the elephant in the room at first. Ray had tried to start “Star Wars: Episode I,” nearly gotten booed out of the room, and conceded to skip ahead to Episode IV. (“Time for the prequels later, when we have some booze in us,” Mick had advised him.)

But eventually—maybe it was the Han and Leia banter, maybe it was the fact that the divide of sorts in their team…in their family…was on all their minds—talk turned back to Sara, and Snart, and how things were before (via the two remaining who remembered) and how things were now.

It had been Constantine (of course, Mick thought) who said it.

“One good bottle of whiskey that the two of ‘em are snogging it out right now,” he’d said, feet on the low table in front of one of the sofas, hands folded behind his head, eyes on the TV. “Or better yet, shagging it out.”

Nate sprayed a mouthful of rum and coke over the carpet. “What?”

Constantine had given him a lazy glance. “Seriously, mate? Those sparks? Really? You think you don’t get that kinda…” He waggled a hand. “…back an’ forth…without sexual tension? In spades?”

Haircut had stared at him…and then started nodding. “Ooooh. Ooooh, damn. All those times they were ‘playing cards’…”

“They were playing cards,” Mick cut in. “Not like they weren’t headin’ toward…somethin’…but they weren’t there yet.”

Hell, if Snart was gonna fall for anyone, he’d be happy if it was Blondie. But Mick also knew too much to ever think it’d be easy.

Not that he’d tell Haircut or the rest of ‘em that.

Charlie, who’d been raptly taking in the adventures of Luke & Co., had frowned, turning around in her seat.

“They were going to mate?” she asked Zari, who choked on her iced tea. “Would there not have been hatch…” She thought a moment. “…babies?”

It was hard to hold back a laugh, but Mick did it. He knew that Charlie hated feeling like a fool for questions that seemed perfectly reasonable to her. He’d been there.

Zari (after darting a look at Mick that said someone was going to pay for making her explain the human facts of life to the shapeshifter) started a low-voiced conversation that had Charlie staring at her in amazement.

Haircut, who apparently figured he didn’t want to touch that one with a 10-foot pole, decided to act like he hadn’t heard. (As did Nate, Constantine, and Mick.)

“Ooooh,” he said sadly. “And then Snart died. Um. ‘Died.’” He made air quotes. “And even though he’s back, that’s a lot to unpack.”

Constantine groaned. “It’s not that complicated!”

But it was.

Constantine had stood by his assertion—and his wager: the others could acquire him some quality whiskey if he was correct. Nate had declared that the far greater odds were on Sara kicking the thief off the team—and probably off the ship, possibly while it was still in the timestream. The rest of them (barring Charlie, who took this all in with an expression of great dubiousness) were somewhere in the middle.

Mick, personally, wasn’t sure if Sara, even now, or Snart were...what was the phrase he’d heard Leo use once? emotionally healthy...enough to mend their fences that fast. But then, he supposed that wasn’t really a requirement for what Constantine was talking about. Frankly, he figured, it’d probably do them good to bang and then talk it out.

Which meant it probably wouldn’t happen.

“Sara won’t just kick ‘im off the team,” he said finally. “Not after…everything. An’ Snart’s prob’ly too stubborn to jus’ leave.” He hoped. “Best case, they manage to talk long enough to work some of their shit out. They do that…” He shrugged, then took another drink. “…maybe they hook up. Do ‘em both good.”

Constantine pointed at him. “Need something more concrete for a wager, mate.”

Damned Brit did like his wagers. Mick considered. “Going to say they did talk,” he said finally. Optimism doesn’t come easily to him, far from it, but hell, he’s got Snart back after three years of his partner being dead. Who knows what’s possible. “Things get back to norm….to what they were, once, w’them…I give ‘em a month before they fall into bed with each other.”

Zari cast him an interested look. “What were they?” she asked. “This is the first I’m really hearing of this.”

Mick thought about it a moment. “Friends,” he said eventually. “An’ it’s not like Snart ever had many of those, so that’s sayin’ somethin’ in itself.” He took a drink. “Don’ think I’ve ever seen ‘im take to someone like that before. Not in a long, long time, anyway.”

Anyway, Haircut had agreed that if Sara and Snart would just talk, the odds of something happening were high. Pressed for specifics, he’d decided on three weeks for his deadline. Zari decided to put her wager on five weeks before something—whether shagging, snogging or kicking off the ship—happened. (And cupcakes rather than whiskey if she won.)

Charlie, vaguely horrified and slightly intrigued by human mating habits, had already beat a hasty retreat. Mick didn’t blame her.

Now, however, having watched their way through the entire original trilogy and enough of Episode One to get a buzz on (for some of them, anyway), the others have all wandered off too. Constantine had actually fallen asleep on the sofa, head leaning against the back, snoring, but then woke with a snort, shaken his head and climbed to his feet, winked at Mick, and headed out, presumably to the room he was using as his own. Mick trusted Gideon to let someone know if the warlock decided to try to…interfere with…Sara and Snart.

Even Constantine couldn’t be that stupid.

Mick relishes the relative silence for a few moments, watching the duel of Obi Wan and Qui-Gon and Darth Maul on screen, then turns off the TV.

He sits for a moment, then raises his voice.

“Gideon?”

“Yes, Mr. Rory?” The AI sounds serene. She and Mick get along pretty well these days.

“Jus’…jus’ let me know if I need to referee or get anyone to the medbay, OK? Otherwise, better if they just have it out.” He takes one last drink. “One way or another.”

“Of course, Mr. Rory.”

One of the nice things about being in the timestream is that they generally get to sleep in. Mick, who is not a morning person at the best of times, appreciates that. Yawning the next “morning,” by ship’s time, he saunters down the hallway, barely sparing a moment for the varied considerations of the night before. That’s how he keeps going. You keep moving forward.

Then he turns into the galley.

He knows the minute he claps eyes on them.

Snart’s across the counter from Blondie, but he’s leaning toward her, nearly draped over the surface, hands clasped in front of him and his eyes fixed on the captain. Sara’s on the other side, but she’s watching him in return, and there’s the tiniest of smiles hovering around her lips.

Mick’s never been the best at feelings. Far, far from it. But he’s known Snart for more than 30 years, and he knows what a Leonard Snart who’s gotten laid looks like. (Although given how picky Snart is, it’s been a lot less often than it could have been.)

Bingo.

He’s never been happier to lose a bet.

They both look at him as he pauses in the doorway, and Mick knows immediately that they know he knows. They’re…OK, fuck, he’ll think it, the two people he loves most in this world. How does he handle this?

By pretending nothing’s changed, he figures.

So, after pausing for just a moment, Mick simply grunts, moving into the galley and over toward the replicator. Once he has his coffee, he eyes Sara and Snart a moment, taking a drink.

They’re now wearing almost identical smirks. Mick’s not sure whether to be appalled or amused. Both, he decides. The Brit is going to be insufferable.

Unless…

He regards them; they regard him. Then Mick grunts again.

“British is gonna be really annoying,” he advises. “So…maybe tone it down a bit?”

Sara chuckles, taking a drink of her own coffee. Snart lifts an eyebrow.

“Why, Mick,” he drawls. “To what are you referring?”

And then he actually laughs as Mick gives him a weary look in return

Mick can’t remember the last time he heard Snart laugh. It’s a good sound. But he merely rolls his eyes, watching them.

Snart tilts his head and looks at Sara, who does much the same in response. Whatever they decide in that moment of wordless communion, the captain nods, looking at Mick.

“Nothing’s changed,” she says firmly, taking another drink of coffee.

Mick gives her a look of disbelief. Snart’s smirk grows a little. Sara, catching the expressions, smirks a little too, but then sighs.

“Really,” she says, leaning against the counter. “It’s not…we’re not…” But then she looks at Snart again, and oh damn, they’re back to the eye sex.

The moment stretches, just enough to have Mick wondering if he should leave, but then Sara seems to catch herself, shaking her head. She smiles a little, then looks at him.

“OK,” she says. “So maybe some things have changed. But some of it’s just between us…” She waves a hand between herself and Snart. “…for now. Anything to do with the team…well, we all have to sort out that dynamic.” Her smile grows. “I think it’ll be for the better.”

Well, then. “Damn right,” Mick says softly. Then he holds up his coffee mug, in a sort of wordless toast.

After a moment, Snart and Sara hold up theirs, too, clinking them together before they drink.

And Mick hasn’t been this happy in a long time.

So, of course, that’s when Constantine has to appear in the doorway.

He’s rumpled, as always, though he’s not, for once, wearing his coat. Given that he hates mornings with a passion that surpasses even Mick’s, it’s a little surprising that he’s up and moving. But Constantine’s eyes brighten as he takes in the three of them standing there…and, OK, this should be interesting.

“Ah,” he says happily, strolling into the galley. “So, did you two shag or what?” He claps his hands together and leans against the counter. “Inquiring minds want to know.”

Snart gives him a withering look. Sara lifts an eyebrow.

“Excuse me?” she says mildly.

“You heard me, luv.” The warlock is unrepentant. “I have a wager on this. Tell.”

Sara considers him. Then she shrugs.

“Nothing to tell,” she says, turning away to rinse out her coffee mug. “Now, where were we going next? You said something about werewolves in Victorian London?”

Constantine gives her a disapproving look. Then he transfers his gaze to Snart.

“What about you, handsome?” he asks, leaning toward the other man. “You the type to snog an’ tell?”

Snart considers him, too. Then he shrugs as well.

“Like the lady said,” he drawls. “Nothin’ to tell.”

Constantine actually pouts. Mick keeps his own face empty as the warlock glances at him and then sighs.

“All right, all right,” he says. “But the truth will out.” The pout fades into a bit of a good-natured leer. “So, you both like blonds, eh? Good to know.”

Sara shakes her head at him; Leonard ignores him. The captain gives Mick another quick smile and then steps around the counter, heading for the door.

“John, let me know when you’ve got this particularly juvenile line of inquiry out of your system,” she tosses over her shoulder. “So I can set a course. Mick, Len, I’ll see you later.” And then she’s gone, out into the corridor.

“Len?” Both of Constantine’s eyebrows are up. “Well now, mate, that’s new.”

Snart finishes his own coffee and rises with alacrity to retreat. Mick can’t really blame him.

“Not particularly,” he drawls. “Mick, if you still want me to make the same tweaks to your gun that I made to my new one, I’ll drop by the fabrication room in about an hour.”

Mick nods. Snart casts him another lurking smile, then saunters out. He doesn’t head in the same direction as Blondie, though, which is probably good, because Constantine is watching avidly. (Although maybe he’s just admiring Snart’s ass; Mick can’t quite tell.)

After a moment of silence, the warlock sighs, turning his gaze on Mick, who’s still silently drinking his coffee.

“I will find out,” he promises, then glances upward. “Gideon?”

“Mr. Constantine?” The AI’s voice is wary. Mick can’t blame her.

“This could be so simple, luv. Just tell me? I’m sure I can find some way to make it worth your while.”

If Mick didn’t know better (and maybe he doesn’t, to be honest), he’d swear Constantine was trying to flirt with the AI. Gideon’s pause is longer than usual, and who knows? Maybe it’s working? Mick waits.

Finally, she speaks. “Mr. Constantine, I believe the correct response, in your own vernacular…”

Constantine grins, leaning forward, winking at Mick and listening avidly.

“…is ‘sod off.’”

Mick can’t resist laughing out loud at the look on the warlock’s face. This is, he thinks, going to be interesting.

And he’s just fine with that.

#rebuilding bridges #captain canary #legends of tomorrow #sara lance #leonard snart

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daechwitayoongs · 7 years ago

Text

Bittersweet IV

Reader x Min Yoongi // College!AU // 3.7k words

Genre: Angst, Future Fluff?

Warnings: Language, Alcohol & Drug Abuse

01 02 03 04 05

This chapter is Yoongi POV

For your finals you’re submitting a mixtape, one that shows your skills as the producer MYG and the rapper, Agust D and on top of that you’re working on a new track. You haven’t seen y/n since your fight but right now isn’t the time to be thinking about y/n, you got a lot to finish up however at the same time, you can’t work like this. The last thing you said to her was that you’re done though you know that is anything but the truth. A life without y/n is something you never pictured happening to you yet the words you spoke to her said something else. You’re stressed out about this track and on top of that y/n.

“Hyung, how’s the mixtape and track going?” You turn to see RM, fellow rapper, and producer. When you first met you thought he’d be an arrogant kid since he was younger and labeled a genius by all his professors but he wasn’t. He stuck by your side treating you as his senior though you were in the same courses.

“Namjoon-ah, I still feel like the track is missing something and it doesn’t help that I keep thinking about y/n but at least my mixtape is close to being complete just adding minor details..How’s the setlist?” You sighed as you tossed the headphones on your desk.

“Well the performance isn’t until New Years so we got time and the setlist is good to go, I’ll send it to your phone also have you thought about just apologizing to her?”

“Ok thanks and It’s not so simple, I said so much shit to her that saying I’m sorry won’t even begin to be able to fix it”

“Hyung, you’ve been friends for 20 years already, you two were probably fated to be together since the womb. I haven’t known y/n for as long as you have but I know you mean a lot to her and that she’ll forgive you at some point”

“I know she will, that’s the problem. I don’t deserve to go ask for her forgiveness when I caused her so much pain. Namjoon, the look in her eyes when I said I didn’t believe her, it was the same look she had back then when her world fell apart. I accused her saying that our bond meant nothing to her and if it did she wouldn’t have thought of drinking. I knew she didn’t mean to overdose back then, I knew though she went out and partied to numb the pain that she was in control yet I treated her as some random addict although I care about her so much, if she isn’t in my life, I don’t know what’ll do..”

“You’re right, you fucked up and have no right to ask her for forgiveness.”

“I know, I already feel like shit you don’t need to tell me. At least she has that new boyfriend of hers by her side.”

“Y/n has a boyfriend? who? since when?”

“Some kid named Taehyung, he even showed up like her prince and punched me before carrying her away. I’m not sure since when but probably around when I introduced Vanessa to her cause she’s been busy ever since though I’m just assuming.”

“Wooow, Y/n and Taehyungie? It all makes sense now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I invited him to go out for drinks the other night but he said he couldn’t cause he had a guest staying over to which I assumed was some random girl but to think it was y/n, unbelievable. I know you’d like to think otherwise hyung but he’s a good guy.”

“It’s hard to hate his guts with you supporting him but since it’s you I’ll just have to believe that he’ll make her happy and be there for her. I’m fine as long as he never makes her cry, I don’t want her to be in pain ever again because of some guy.”

“Hyung, this is the first time you’ve voiced so many emotions to me about anyone. I mean you don’t even talk this much about Vanessa, to be honest, I was surprised to find out you were dating someone who wasn’t y/n.”

“Y/n and me? We’re like family, childhood best friends or well we were...”

“You’re telling me that in all these years you never once felt something for her? Y/n is like prettiest art major student, she’s also top of her class and though most would want to hate her they can’t cause she’s incredibly nice and thoughtful. She even volunteered her time to take freshmen under her care, she’s the ideal role model. I’m surprised she finally got a boyfriend, they were probably scared to approach her cause you were always at her side, I guess everyone thought you two were dating since you’d give off that couple vibe, hell even I thought y’all were dating but then you got a girlfriend and all..”

“We gave off a couple vibe?” Namjoon scoffed.

“Seriously hyung out of everything I said you get stuck on that yet you say you don’t have feelings towards her?”

“I just never thought about it or how others viewed us. I sincerely just care about her and wanted to stay by her side no matter what..”

“I know your recent actions reflect otherwise but isn’t that loving someone unconditionally? Considering you want to stay with y/n no matter what?regardless think about your feelings towards the Vanessa and y/n after you submit your mixtape! also, send me the track cause you're a hardcore perfectionist.”

You cursed Namjoon for leaving you alone with your thoughts, what feelings is he talking about. Y/n is or well was your best friend, she’s the person who has always been by your side, she’s your person, someone, you can’t be without. If it came down to picking between Vanessa and Y/n then obviously you’d pick y/n but y/n and you? That’s impossible, She couldn’t have feelings for you and even if she did like you at one point, she certainly wants nothing to do with you right now.

“Wait, why am I even trying to think there’s a possibility for us, min yoongi, you’re getting in way over your head..” You slap yourself sane and shake those thoughts away as you get back to work mode for the rest of the night.

You had only planned to stay the weekend at the studio but you ended up staying until Tuesday night. It’s like you subconsciously planned to avoid seeing y/n considering she probably packed up and left right away after finals. You make it back to the apartment, hesitantly input the pass code and open the door. Something seems off but you ignore it since it’s most likely because y/n isn’t warmly welcoming you home, though it’s not like she’d welcome you with open arms even if she was home. You decide to go shower first and then pack since you promised your family that you would go see them during winter break.

Your alarm goes off the following morning and it’s a drag to get up but you need to since your train leaves at 8:45 a.m. so you have about an hour to make sure you have everything you need because you won’t be coming back until break is over. Y/n and you need space so that you can face her properly and apologize to her, thankfully you have a lot scheduled to keep you busy. On your way out you decide to check if she’s there, you knock but no answer. You decide to write her memo since she might be asleep and if anything she’ll see it when she gets back.

You didn’t tell your parents exactly when you’d be arriving since you wanted to surprise them. They always go on about you not spending time with them since to be honest you didn’t much, you had y/n, your music and school. There wasn’t much time to relax or head home even though the train ride was less than 3 hours and of course you felt bad despite the fact that they said it was alright. Since you were so passionate about your music, they did what any parent would do and supported you to follow your dreams. Once arriving you hail a taxi cause although it is possible to walk to your house from the station, you one don’t have the energy and two your luggage is too heavy.

You sneak in as quietly as possible, you hear your mom in the kitchen listening to trot and decide to take a peak just to see her and your dad dancing. Seeing them like this is really bittersweet cause wonder just how many of these moments have you missed by not coming home.

“Yoongi-ah~~” Your mom’s voice snaps you out of your daze and you go to give her a big hug.

“I’m home mom”

“Why didn’t you tell us you would be coming today!” She hits you on your butt a couple times while crying and laughing at the same time.

“I wanted to surprise you guys and thought it was best to come right away since I can only stay until Christmas..”

“Have you eaten yet?”

“I had some ramen on the train but that was it, I wanted to save my appetite for your delicious food”

“I’ll make your favorites so go rest up and tell y/n to come over later”

“Y/n’s here?”

“Huh? Didn’t she come back with you?”

“No, we’ve both been busy with uh finals so we haven’t spoken in awhile..”

“You both live together though how could you not?”

“Our schedules were different this semester so we hardly saw each other..” You say as you rub the back of your neck nervously.

“Stop pestering the kid and let’s go to grocery store to buy what you need..” Your dad gives you an understanding smile and helps you avoid answering anymore questions.

You head up to your room with all your things and lie down on your bed. Was y/n really back in the apartment? You didn’t hear any noise from when you got home that day and then left. “Where could she be?” You shake your head from such thoughts and begin to unpack. The only thing that could distract you from wondering about y/n is your music so you get your set up together and begin to work. Less than an hour in and your curiosity gets the best of you. You grab your iPod and earphones as you head out, you decide to visit all of your usually hang out spots from back in the day, the cafe, the music shop, and the occasional arcade but y/n’s nowhere to be found. As you’re getting home, you see y/n’s mom get down from her car.

“Yoongi-ah, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen you but I can say the same about y/n to be honest, right when I can finally get time off from work she calls and says that she won’t be coming home. You should’ve just dragged her with you! Anyways it’s fine I’ve got a lot of paperwork to do regardless, though it is a bit odd for you two to be separated like this but it’s expected since Sara is back and all so I’m sure they have lots to catch up on..” *Her phone rings* “Ah, it’s my secretary. Tell your parent’s I said Hi, I’ll see you later.” She says as she answers and enters her home.

“Sara’s back?” You say as you enter your home.

“Who’s back? Also where did you run off to? Why didn’t you answer my calls!”

“Sorry, I’m trying to focus on my music and to do so keeping my phone off is how I can work without distractions.”

“We understand but at least let your mom know so she doesn’t worry or leave a memo.” Your dad says as he hands you a beer.

“I-I don’t really drink..”

“Yes, I know but one beer with your dad won’t do you any harm.” Your dad then goes to the living room and turns on the television to watch the game.

You follow him and sit down silently, occasionally taking a drink of beer here and there. For some odd reason your dad doesn’t say anything for awhile.

“Yoongi, what happened between you and y/n?” His question cause you to choke on the beer, you then clear your throat before answering.

“What do you mean?”

“I know your passionate about your music but to the point of having your phone off? You’d never do that because you would want y/n to be able to reach you.”

“We actually got into fight recently, and it really blew up..it was all my fault..”

“Well obviously, you were always hot headed as a kid and spoke without thinking. The only person you ever watched yourself with was y/n, probably because you were scared of losing her. I’m sure if you apologize she’ll give you a second chance.”

“Thanks dad, but I said some really messed up things I shouldn’t have and then avoided it instead of fixing it..so we’re just giving each other some space and then once break is over, I’ll fix everything and we’ll go back to normal”

“I see but back to normal? Do you really want to go back to just being only best friends?”

“Of course I do, what else would we be besides best friends?”

“You my son, are so dense..” Right when you’re about to question what he means your mom interrupts to say the food is ready.

After eating you go to your room and relax by creating melodies but what your dad said dawns on you then there’s also what Namjoon said. Why is everyone trying to tell you how you feel about y/n? You know how you feel about her, she’s someone you need and can’t bare to lose, she’s your best friend, she’s like family although you two aren’t related at all-wait why do you need clarify that? regardless you have a girlfriend..“Oh shit, Vanessa..” You completely forgot to tell her that you’d be going home for break.

You rush downstairs to call her but no answer, it takes a few times until she finally picks up and when she does, it’s a guy who answers.You had to double check and see if you dialed the right number which you did then you ask if it’s Vanessa’s phone and he says yes, the guy even introduces himself as her boyfriend. You tell the guy to give her a memo, ‘Continue to have fun even after break, we’re done..” The guy was definitely ditzy cause he wrote it all down no questions asked. Now not only are you best friend-less but also girlfriend-less, It can only go up from here right?

The rest of your duration at home is spent helping your parents out with any chores and just enjoying their company. Before you knew it Christmas came and it went, you’re making sure you have everything you need packed since Namjoon and the others were almost here to pick you up. You hear the doorbell ring so you hurry downstairs with all your things just to see your mom pulling them inside cause she wants us to have a meal before we leave.

“Mom, you remember, Jin Hyung right? He was my roommate during freshman year and Namjoon-ah who is in the same major as me then this is Hoseok-ah, he’s a dance major who enjoys rapping” Your mom then hugs them as if they’re her own sons and makes them eat lots of food before you leave.

After doing a few gigs here and there you guys finally arrive in Busan for the HipHop and R&B New Year Concert. It’s a chance for you to put your name out there, Namjoon and you were lucky enough to get a chance to be a part of it but you guys get to perform the entire first half. You only wished y/n was here with you, she always loved your music and gave you feedback. She’s even inspired a lot of songs but those were too intimate to share.

“Hey, Yoongi Hyung, Namjoon-ah said they setting up the stage still so we gonna go get some food. You gonna come with?”

“No, I’m good. I’ll just go for a walk on the beach.”

“Ok, don’t wander too far they said they’d be done by 3 so we can do sound check. Also the youngins should be arriving soon so if you see them just send them to the stage so they can check in. ”

“The youngins?”

“Yeah, Jimin and Taehyung are performing before us as the opening act anyways keep a look out! I’m gonna go catch up with the guys, see ya Hyung!” Hoseok says as he runs after Namjoon and Jin.

You feel a sense of relief knowing Taehyung isn’t with y/n but as you’re walking along the beach you remember the first time you ever came here. It was back when you were in second grade, your parents brought y/n and you during summer break. You weren’t a big fan of the beach, it was too sunny, noisy and hot but because y/n really wanted to see the ocean, you begged your parents to take you guys. Though she gave off that elegant vibe from appearance she was the opposite, a wild child at heart. You laugh as you remember her not being scared and diving right into the sea even though she couldn’t swim. She’s always been the bravest person you’ve known. You decide to put the battery back in your phone so you can message her, you feel anxious as you watch it turn on, then out of nowhere the guys sneak up on you causing you to drop your phone into the water. You hurriedly pick it up to check if it’s okay but hoseok grabs it from your hand and runs away.

“Yah! Hoseok-ah! Give me back my phone!”

“Hyung, you said you were gonna be phone free! Just check it later” Namjoon says as he and Jin drag you towards the stage.

Sound check went smoothly and as the vmin duo perform, you look for your phone amongst all of Hoseok’s things but you can’t seem to find it.

“What are you looking for Yoongi?”

“I was looking for my phone but i don’t know where Hoseok’s bag is...”

“Hyung, y/n isn’t going anywhere..”

“I know, but I wanted to wish her a happy new year while I’m feeling brave..”

“You guys are up next so I’ll look for it, that way you can text her right after you’re done performing.”

“Thanks Jin hyung but you’re suppose to film us so we can look for it after.”

“Ah that’s right! I’m gonna go set up the camera, see you guys later!” Jin says as he runs off.

“I’m back! I had to go the bathroom and then my girlfriend called me to say she was running late cause she had to drop her cousin off at the airport”

“Yah! where’s your bag at? I couldn’t find it in all this mess!”

“My bad hyung..” Hoseok says as he looks through the pile of stuff behind the stage.

“Yo, you’re back, that’s good cause we’re up next” Namjoon says.

“Hey, Namjoon, did you see my bag?”

“Jin hyung probably grabbed it with his things when he left to go set up..”

“Fail, sorry hyung, why’d you want it anyways?”

“You took my phone remember!”

“Oh yeah..I put it in Jin’s bag..”

“Yah Jung Hoseok!”

“Hyung, beat him up after, we’re up!”

“Fine, let’s go give Busan the best show they’ll ever see!” The guys and you then hurry on stage as you’re introduce.

“Hyung, why’d you throw so much water! I almost fell multiple times!” Hoseok says as he clings to you as you go down the stairs.

“Hobi-ah~~”

“You’re here!” Hobi lets go of you, runs towards the girl and twirls her around.

“Yeah, I made it in time as you guys got on stage. You guys were amazing!”

“Ah right, guys this is Sara my girlfriend~”

“S-sara?!” You look up as you finished wiping your face.

“Yoongi?”

“You guys know each other?” Hoseok asks as you two stare at one another.

“Yeah..we kinda grew up together..”

“Yoongi-ah, here’s your phone..” Jin then hands you your phone and you see that y/n called she even left you a voicemail so you quickly call to listen to it.

“Wait, so was y/n the cousin you were taking to the airport?” Namjoon asks but before she can even respond she falls to the ground.

“Sara, what’s wrong?!” Hoseok quickly tries to help her up but she only points towards the plasma screen, causing you to look as well.

“This is KBS News 9 with breaking news, Flight A359 that departed from Incheon International Airport to London Heathrow this evening through unknown causes, crash lands in Beijing. At this hour we are unaware of the passengers status or how many injured and in critical condition there are but we’ll be updating as more information is received..”

As the voicemail ends and footage is being shown of the plane in flames, you feel as if your heart stops, your mind can’t process what’s happening, why did y/n say goodbye and why is Sara on the ground sobbing.

A/N: Sorry for the delay and the cliffhanger but i hope you enjoyed this chapter~ for the following chapter it’ll go back to the readers POV unless stated otherwise

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thebeckychronicles · 7 years ago

Text

Post 16: What next?

Tomorrow is my sixth chemo session and I’m dreading it. I’m past the halfway point in my treatment. When I first got diagnosed my main concern was getting better, I didn’t think about the emotional or psychological aspect of it really. Except for some bouts of extreme emotion for the most part I’ve just felt bewildered and kind of apathetic at this whole debacle. I think back to when I was laying on that table getting the biopsy done and as the needles were making their way into my body all I could think, “How did I get here?” That is the question. How did I get here?

I’ve stated before that I didn’t really know how to explain how I feel about this situation. Now, I think the best way I’m able to describe this is that I feel like this disease has hijacked my body, my life. It’s hard to believe that this is Jennifer Martinez-Lorenzo. This body, this life- all feel like a stranger to me. I don’t know this person and I don’t know how to accept this as my reality. Like I said, I’m still bewildered and confused at this situation. And by situation I mean my life.

All I’ve been focused on is the physical aspect of my disease. I’ve been focused on getting that 100% negative PET scan; that’s been the goal. As I’m nearing the end of my treatment, because of the assurance that I’m responding well to it, I’ve had more time to think about how I’m feeling and the emotional repercussions of having a life-threatening illness like cancer. It sounds ridiculous but I didn’t realize just how much I’d be living with cancer even after I finished treatment; and I didn’t realize just how much cancer wormed its way into the crevices of my life.

It’s weird, I never thought being sick would create triggers in my life but here are some: - The smell of saline makes me throw up, in and out of a hospital setting. - I’m slightly claustrophobic now- this wasn’t the case until they started putting me in different enclosed machines for PET/CT scans, MRIs, etc. - I have panic attacks in the shower. Every. Time. I’m not really sure why, I think it has to do with the fact that in the shower I first noticed my hair falling out and I always get tired and have to sit down. It’s every time I get in the shower I wonder how else is the chemo gonna make itself evident in my body. Thank you chemo. I don’t shower with the door locked in case I need my mom to help me out of my panic. I’m 20 years old and I have to give myself a pep talk every time I get into the shower. Awesome. - Repetitive noises are terrible, strangely enough they also send me into an irritated panic. I think it has to do with the fact that when you’re getting chemo done the IV machine that they set up makes an irritating beeping noise every time the next chemo drug needs hooked up. And since you’re in a hall full of people getting chemo and not only do you hear your machine go off but theirs too - The smell of mint, this used to help with my nausea and now it’s become the cause of my nausea. Awesome.

The most terrible part about this whole thing I that I can’t look at my home the same way. I’ve lived here my whole life, this home holds my childhood, my adolescence, my achievements, my failures. This home has seen it all. Now I can’t stand being at home. I can’t look at my bedroom the same because since I’ve started treatment my bed has been my place of convalescence. No matter how many times or how often I wash my sheets I can still smell the chemo and saline. I can’t look at my bedside shelves the same because that’s where I put all my medical paperwork and medications. For days after getting treatment no matter what I do I can’t get the taste of chemo out of my mouth or off my skin. I recently went back to work and it is the biggest relief. You know cancer’s got you messed up when the best part of your week is coming to work (I love where I work and my coworkers but seriously). I left that job in December before I got sick- so there’s very little there that reminds me of being sick. My parents and sister were concerned about me going back to work what with the compromised immune system but I needed to. It helps that they’re so great and willing to accommodate my needs (thanks Trav and Miguel). I said that I don’t feel like myself, that my life and body feel hijacked by this disease. Going to work brings me a sense of normalcy that I desperately need. It’s such a relief to go somewhere that has no ties to my illness or my convalescence.

Which brings me back to my point. I strongly, strongly dislike being at home. Even though within these walls I’ve gotten better, this has also been the place that has seen my worst days. It’s the place that has seen me on the floor unable to move, has seen me throw up a range of foods and colors, has seen me in the most intense pain of my life. And even though this house has seen so much of the joy in life, I can’t help but come home and be reminded all over again about the fact that I am sick. That I’ve been sick.

I thought that as I approached the end of my treatment I’d feel relief. While there is some, I’ve come to the realization that Becky may be gone soon but she’s taken pieces of me with her. I’m not plagued by the fear that I’ll be diagnosed with cancer again, or that I’ll face some complications from my treatment down the line but I feel like I’ve lost a bit of my peace of mind because of this. In some way, shape or form I think I’ll be carrying Becky with me for the rest of my life. I know people think that once you get diagnosed with some life threatening disease and then you beat it that you need to live a fully positive and carpe diem life for the rest of your days. And I agree, my priorities and perspective/attitude on life has definitely changed and I’m not pessimistic. But to say that I don’t at all think about what next or what if would be a lie. I don’t mind Becky being something I think about for the rest of my life; there is no escaping the fact that she took up the better part of a year from me and she’s a part of my life story, I don’t mind her being there in the back of my mind. I just don’t want to be ruled by her.

I thought that once I was done with treatment, or at least getting closer to the end of treatment that everything would go back to normal. I’d take my life and body back. I’d take my identity back. I feel some relief but I also feel a lot of anxiety. I’m not exactly sure what I’m anxious about, maybe all the emotions I haven’t really dealt with upfront. Maybe it’s trying to learn how to move past this disease. This disease that went off like a bomb in my life and now I’m dealing with the shrapnel it left in its wake.

You know how in movies the protagonist gets diagnosed with terminal cancer or some other life threatening disease and that pushes them to do all the things they had wanted to do but were too afraid to do? I used to think that was very clichéd and I mean it is- but I definitely understand that now. I’ve felt antsy these past few weeks and I used to think it was just antsy to be done with treatment, to close this chapter in my life, to reclaim my fucking life back. And yes I am so ready to be done with this whole thing. I am ready to feel like myself again. Yes, while I am absolutely ready to be done with this disease, I’m more anxious to figure out how to pull myself out of this free-fall that cancer pushed me into.

Cancer has made me question everything in my life. My relationships, my friendships, what I want to study, where I want to finish my undergrad, what I want to prioritize, where I want to be right now. These past two years I’ve been half-assing it or just coasting at life. I went to school because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. I stayed in state because I worried I couldn’t do it out on my own. I didn’t try all that much in school because I didn’t particularly care to be there. I chose a major that I feel ardently about but chose out of convenience. I made choices because I didn’t know what I wanted for myself. I haven’t asked myself what I want to do, who I want to be in a long time. I haven’t felt excited about life or passionate about anything in a long time. I feel like I don’t know who I am, I’m questioning if I really wanted to be doing what I was doing, if I want what I thought I previously wanted. Life happens so fast, one minute you’re celebrating your 20th birthday; the next you’re on a biopsy tabled getting stuck with 10 needles. Having cancer has made me feel sort of frozen in time. There is no going back to B.C. (before cancer). Now I’m squarely in A.D. (after diagnosis). It’s a new beginning and I don’t know how to approach it. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know what I want; when it comes to anything- and it’s freaking me out. It’s like some weird identity crisis. All I know is that I can’t stand to be at home, I can’t stand to be in Washington. All I know is that I need to be gone for a while. So I’m trying to figure out my options in terms of schooling and where I want to live. It feels like I’m freefalling but I don’t know which way is up. I’m antsy- so antsy because I don’t want to be here. As strange as it is, my desperation to escape my body, to escape my life is at an all-time high. I’m antsy to move on and figure out what I want for myself. I feel like cancer has pushed me to “live life to the fullest” but what the fuck does that even mean???? What does that look like on a day to day basis? Maybe that’s where my confusion lies.

Dealing with the emotional aftermath of cancer is like its own kind of trauma and I’m intimidated by the enormity of what I’m feeling because I don’t even know how to begin to unpack it all. I don’t know if any of this made sense. It feels like even after I’m done with treatment life will feel like an open-ended question. Which is frightening and paralyzing.

I’m thinking a lot of things and I don’t understand most of them. It’s the most frustrating thing.

#Hodgkins Lymphoma #cancer sucks #but life doesn't have to #the becky chronicles #i'm sad but its still lit

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timelessbian · 4 years ago

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hi it me again. IVE SAW AOTW. Physically I'm like. Fine. Emotionally? I've been laying face down on the floor ever since. Also whY ARE YOU APOLOGISING FOR A RANT?? IT'S WHAT I WANTED >:3 God there's just. So much to say about this ep!! I don't even have the WORDS, words reduced to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. So. Thoughts?

ADHFSJDFH hi again!! sorry that it’s taken me a while to respond; i’ve been really busy with moving and everything the past few days, but i really wanted to answer this before the finale bc i have Many Fears asngjsjdjbvhdsbfvhbsa

under a cut again bc this is rambling and probably incoherent, but let’s go!!

my first thought is that i LOVED the episode. from the animation to the storytelling to the voice acting that made me cry...this was an absolute highlight of an episode. they packed SO MUCH into like 20 minutes and i have so much love for everyone who works on this show i just can’t, it’s so good!!

also i feel like i conveyed this in my last rant, but i think lilith is such a well-written character, and not to be That Bitch, but the fact that the majority of the fandom really just full on lost their minds on her is literally kind of hilarious. like...i am a female villain stan first and a human second. i am simply vibing ashvhbdfhvbhdb.

i feel like a lot of people have said this better than i could at this point, but i think there’s be a redemption arc coming. most of eda and lilith’s interactions prior to 1x18 really played up the love that still exists beneath the tension. the sisters still clearly love each other, but obviously so much has happened between them that they could never have had any kind of true resolution without the secret of the curse coming out. lilith’s been carrying her guilt for years and at least with it out in the open, they can maybe start to reconcile. (obviously this would need to be a very long process, and even if lilith is working hard for it, eda (and luz!) aren’t under any obligation to forgive her for anything) (also full disclosure: i’m a lil bit biased on the sister thing bc my current original project has a sister set in a similar situation with similar vibes to lilith and eda (coincidentally, i swear!), and i know i’m writing them a fitting reconciliation, so i’m hoping the show will give me the same lol)

also, i know this is something i covered in my last rant, but there is clearly SO MUCH MORE to lilith’s story. she clearly feels guilty and genuinely seems to want to try to help eda, but i think she’s been so completely under the emperor’s thumb for so long that it’s going to take a major betrayal by him to get her to realize just how far she’s gone. again, this isn’t excusing anything she’s done, but i think that s2 could really delve into the relationship between the sisters more (which could play well with an arc in which amity has to reconcile with the reality of the emperor’s coven given that lilith is her mentor). what was the final straw that split the sisters? what was their relationship really like before the curse?? can we get lilith eventually coming around to be the cool goth aunt of the owl fam??? @ dana terrace i want answers!!!

as for my thoughts moving into the finale, i’m predicting that lilith is going to realize that the emperor has been lying to her the whole time, and that she’ll make some kind of big sacrifice so that eda and luz can escape, whether it’s her position or her magic (or her life, but i really don’t think they’re going to go that way) and she’s going to have to figure out who she is without the emperor controlling her. (okay, random thought that i literally JUST had typing this out: what if she loses her magic and has to start learning with glyphs like luz or something like that?? i have 0 evidence to support that, but it’s just a thought i guess)

also, i don’t really have thoughts about this stuff, but i’m a fan of the ‘lilith is also cursed’ theory, even if it’s just a side effect of casting such a powerful curse or something like that. i’m not into the idea of belos being their dad (i’m still lukewarm on him being related to luz though. if the whole ‘camilia is azura’ theory pans out, maybe he’s camilia’s father and luz’s grandfather or something? idk, but i’m interested in how it’ll play out! i don’t think belos will be dying in this ep, so i think there’ll be a lot to unpack there next season. also just everything related to the palismen, and in particular owlbert vs lilith’s raven. give me more palisman lore immediately!!

really the tl;dr of it all is that i know hating lilith is the popular opinion rn but ummm....evil raven lady go brrr you know? i am TERRIFIED for the finale, but i’m also so beyond excited for it because i know even if it makes me cry (again) it’ll be well worth it, and i hope that the hiatus before s2 isn’t too long because i don’t know what i’ll do with myself lmao. (i mean, i do have a half-finished angst fic that i’m holding to finish until after the ep just in case, but i’m just gonna be vibing until the new season ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

so yeah, those are my thoughts as they stand right now. thank you so much for indulging me!! my roommate whomst does not watch the show is probably sick of hearing about it by now, so i love having an outlet to scream lmao. i don’t know when you’re reading this, but as of writing this, it’s only about 2 hours until the finale drops online, so i am Afraid and i’ll probably be face down on the floor immediately after i finish it. feel free to come back and scream after the finale bc i’m already sure i’ll be screaming!! anyway, luv you anon, and i suppose i’ll see you on the other side sbhbvdbavjs <33

#i literally cannot believe i am this on edge for a finale like i have predictions but idk they could pull the rug out from under me #less than 2 hours i'm bracing myself lmao #anyway thank you for coming back anon ilysm and i'm always down to scream about toh let's go!!#toh #asks #anon

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stardustjunkie · 7 years ago

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FYI: This post is phone-typed, long, poetic, ancestral, for love, for healing, in gratitude, for me, for you!

This California trip, this newest installment of ancestral healing lessons (7/20-7/25 2017) has taught me that I have a keen perception that allows me to see the truth in matters of emotional, spiritual, psychological issues, but I can be too harsh and sharp in my approach. Sometimes that sort of stern delivery is necessary, but sometimes it's even more disruptive. I understand now how to soften into tender compassion, especially when it comes to issues belonging to family members (where looking at their pain makes me uncomfortable and want to yell at them to get their shit together), and how this approach that requires seeing the person and situation from the vantage point of Love is the work of True Healing. I am learning when to let the fires of truth burn and when to simply warm (to use Justin Tilley's perfect words).

I am here in California with my Grandmother and Uncle.

California, my birth state and place of my blood and my lifeline. Leaving Milwaukee with a head cold and a goal, heart-centered and anticipating deep diving in ancestral waters. Upon arrival I was teary-eyed. This continued through to the night; before bed, having hugged, napped, unpacked, picked up uncle, and eaten; before sleep when I lay down in the same bed Ive used here for the past 15 years. I wanted to cry, but felt the energy well up inside me and release in its own way, maybe a tear or two produced, and all in Gratitude.

I am so happy and grateful to be here, now, in this life time, in this mobile home, in California, at this age, with my grandmother and uncle, who, since her health has been changing, has come to visit monthly to help her (a Gayngel, hidden behind the glare of religious eyes, working through his own anger and inherited depression and voice suppression by throwing himself into the fire, by her side).

I feel I am at a place, now, where I can consciously receive the blessing of wisdom in every moment shared here. Whether it’s in watering my grandmothers roses, running errands, accompanying her to doctors appointments, showing her how to make a smoothie while she trades me an Armenian recipe, sitting, eating, napping, listening to her sing her prayers in the morning with a hoarse voice she said she lost in an accident but use to let flow in church as an alto, or recording her stories of her journey to America at 24 and escaping two husbands in her broken English weaved with Armenian or Arabic or French. All of it, every second, is healing, is strengthening, is informing me of my origins and my purpose.

So far, from our heavy exchanges over Grandmother’s morning coffee, she has told me:

“One thing you learn from me this life, Catrine. Don’t hold onto nutting. Some time you feel anger or sad or someting you need to say, don’t keep it! Else it make you sick till you death.”

“Each morning I play the song from church [on her keyboard] and I sing. This is pray. Sometime you pray but your mind go coo-coo! You cannot pray, it is no focus. Sing it is pray.”

“Religion don’t matter, is only Jesus. Jesus live for the peace, love, do good tings, help people, forgive. What is god even? Love. Power. The Light. Why god make the angels? Cos we need each one another.”

But also, an occasional old-country racist remark, or religious bigotry (she’s a Christian, born again), some anti-pagan devilry. Usually I let it slide but sometimes can ride it out with her till we find common ground and she gets to her core-belief, which is that it’s all just Love. For instance, “I hate your tattoos but I don’t see them because I love you.” Or something like that.

All three of us together, or just my uncle and I to the side have discussed our family damage and what needs to be done. Of course, there are barriers of understanding, language, generation, culture, etc, but ultimately it returns to Healing and Love and the idea that younger generations help to carry the fire of existence, the red pulsing drum blood of healing for those who came before us and those who will come after.

And I cry, with sorrow and joy! Maybe just for 15 seconds, maybe without tears and just pressure and heat, but I cry.

I sometimes get so full of Love and a future-projected nostalgia because I think about how when I am no longer an Earthling how much I will miss this particular moment, these memories, dreams, visions, songs, this unique expression of life, of Soul. The people I meet, I connect with, I Love. My friends, family, lovers, partners, collaborators! Or the Great Beautiful Poetic Mystery Healing of the schizophrenic genius stranger I met online as a young one and maintained a creative penpal friendship with for 7 years and who has been integral in helping me define and then re-find my voice! Then, getting to meet him and it being like two soul parts finding comfort in understanding and friendship, an electrical current vibrating from then to this second, the one we are all connected to, yes, me & you!

And he and I, this impossibly coincidental friendship, being affirmed by radio songs playing the words we’d just spoken, and searching for shells gifted from the ocean while yelling nonsense haikus at each other in the sun! He in his middle-aged, whimsical awkwardness, high functioning conversationalist to those who know what real treasure looks like, and me in my open hearted temple of understanding, receiving each pun and praise and serious statement, like waves, like I was surrounded by gems but without miserly lust for gain- no profit, just prophet.

Side thought: I’ve learned from him, and my other pen pals who work with what western medicine has called Schizophrenia, that it is a condition of being an oracle, a creative conduit; someone with their irons in many dimensional fires. Receiving transmissions from past and future but as their present reality! His letters and messages, and mine in reply, could be seemingly nonsensical, but if I let my mind apply itself and stand at the precipice of meaning, I could extract something! But even then, finding something only vaguely, if I bowed my head, my heart would feel it all, and know, without thought to seeking meaning.

Every failure, every injury, every song, every kiss, every lap dance, every slice of pie! Cactus, wet dress, cookie, traffic! Radio divination, guessing games, cheesy inspirational quote, devilish grin! I am just so, so grateful to be here for it all. I wish I could multiply myself and deeply connect with everyone. But, I can only Be In Love

Each night here, Ive welled with some kind of feeling and express my gratitude to Goddess, Ayahuasca, Creator, Great Mystery, Source, ALL EXPRESSED FORMS OF LOVE, my Earth teachers, for helping me be here, now, and for this life and this journey, for these lessons and this healing.

So, this is a prayer for you, the one I Love. I pray that your life, your path, your healing be blessed. May you find comfort in knowing there’s no beginning or end. May you find your voice and speak your truth whenever and exactly how you need to. May you recognize love when it’s calling your name. May you learn to help without giving yourself away. (okay dropping the initially unintentional rhyme scheme) May you walk through the fire and let all that is not needed disintegrate. May you fearlessly dive deeply into the places you thought were terrifying, only to find the treasure you’d been so soul-hungry and searching for.

Thank you for reading. I love you!

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itsmodernmish · 8 years ago

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I wanted to write my labor story so that many years from now I can look back and remember what a unique experience I had this second time around. I don’t have the best memory, which is why I love photos. They take me back to that particular point in time. I thought it be pretty rad to write things down as well. One day I’ll be glad I did.

So here’s my story. It started Monday, March 28th, around 1:30am. I was 38 weeks pregnant. I began to have some cramping. Nothing unusual, the later it is in the pregnancy, the more of these you’ll experience (at least with both my experiences). So I didn’t make much of it. After an hour I noticed it was happening every 15 minutes. I tried changing positions, getting up, drinking water and nothing made them stop. This is when I knew my baby was coming. I didn’t wake Richard up until 3:30am. I wanted to wait to make sure this wasn’t a false alarm. His response? “You sure it isn’t those Braxton Hicks?”. I think I laughed a little inside. I said, “No, it’s been persistent and happening every 10-15 minutes now”. So I went out to our living room and walked around. Then I went to the nursery/boys room and got the diaper bag and started getting things ready. Up until this point, I had things 75% ready. We were suppose to take a trip to big bear the weekend before but my son Ezra caught a bad cold so we decided to stay home instead. I had my bag ready for the hospital before this trip, then I unpacked and packed according to this trip and well, I had to re-pack for the hospital again.

Soon it was 6am and Richard would be getting up to get ready for work. He asked me how I was feeling and if he should stay or if I thought I would be like this for a while. I told him the contractions were still 16 minutes apart on average. Some were 20 and some were 12. So I told him to go to work. I wasn’t ready to get to a hospital yet. I rather be in the comfort of my own home. Not looking forward to being tied down to a bed hooked on to an IV and being asked every 5 minutes if I wanted to get the epidural or speed my process up lol. I much rather wait till I couldn’t endure the pain. We decided to call his parents to come and stay with me in case of any emergency. The plan was that as soon as my contractions got closer together, he would leave work and come home and take me himself to the hospital.

His parents got to my place around 8:30/9am and my contractions stayed the same until about noon. My sister Becky and mom also came over around this time. My sister Becky helped me keep track of my contractions. They slowly got closer and stronger. At about 5pm they were so strong that I knew it was time. My contractions were about 12 minutes apart by this point. I called Richard and told him I was gonna have Becky take me to the hospital. After speaking to him I decided to wait a little longer for him to get home.

I was waiting on one of two things before going to the hospital: my contractions to be 10 minutes apart or my water breaking. None had happened yet, but the pain was excruciating. Richard gets home around 6pm and as he’s walking in, my water breaks. I was so happy! I didn’t want to get it broken at the hospital, I really wanted it to break naturally, as it did with my first son. Such a cool experience. So once he got home we immediately left to the hospital.

We got to the hospital at about 6:45pm. After checking in I asked how far along I was. I was told I was dilated 6 cm. So I asked for the epidural. After settling into my room they hooked me to the IV and said I had to wait for the entire bag of IV to be in my system before doing the epidural. My first thought was “Great, gotta endure another 40 minutes with this pain!”. Then I decided my only option was to take it one contraction at a time. Squeezing on to my husbands hand as the contractions came one by one. About an hour later they checked my cervix again. I was told I was still 6 cm dilated and the anesthesiologist would come in and finally give me relief. Keep in mind I was experiencing excruciating pain every 5-10 minutes at this point. Which was why I couldn’t believe I was only 6 cm dilated.

When the anesthesiologist came in, I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Finally, some relief. So close, and here comes another contraction. This time I feel the urge to push. This is so strange. It’s no longer just the feeling of my back breaking open and my bones cracking into 100 pieces. “I need to push”, I said.

My nurse said she had to check me one more time and make sure I was ready. She abruptly said to the other nurse “call the doctor she is fully dilated” I was ready to go. I moved from 6 cm to 10 cm in what seems to be less than an hour! It makes sense why the pain was so bad.

Anesthesiologist says “I was never here”. I cried a little inside lol. They call the doctor. He runs down. They open me. Leg on each side. It seems like there were 100 people in that room yet I didn’t see my sister Becky, so I asked Richard to bring her in. [Side note, my sisters are both my best friends. They bring me comfort and naturally want them to be a part of the most important things in my life.] Anyway, both of my sisters come in. I didn’t think they would allow my younger sister in, but she somehow made it in and I’m glad. Lol

So here comes another contraction. “What am I gonna do open like this? A baby is suppose to just come out like this? Omg, Lord help me! Do I have enough strength to push? How many times am I gonna have to push, and how many contractions will it take? Ouch this hurts!” These were just a few of the thoughts running through my head lol. It’s as if I forgot what giving birth was like.

So after one, two pushes, and a big grunt from me….out comes my little Elon Levi at 8:09pm! Weighing at 7.9 lbs and measuring 20.5 inches long. It happened so fast. I don’t know where the strength came from but I made it happen. The pushing part itself wasn’t painful. Once he was out, doctor made me push again to take out my placenta. This part was a little painful for me, especially because you’re not expecting it. It’s something we forget about when it comes to birthing.

I’m in a state of euphoria, I had tears of joy. I couldn’t believe I had just done that again. For the second time and all naturally. I know our bodies are meant to do that but somehow we doubt our capability. Regardless of the way we bring out babies to life, it’s just a miracle. It’s the best experience in the world. I feel so honored and thankful to have this privilege. Thank you God for this gift. My little gift in Elon born on March 28, 2016.

#natural birth #birth story

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