#by the way i am white bc clearly that makes my opinion more valid to some people

[stormseattle]

yall don't really think that caitlin clark gets hate because of RACISM right.

did you guys know that breanna stewart (white) won mvp last year.

did you guys know that sabrina ionescu (white) and breanna stewart (white) are two of the only wnba players to have signature shoes.

did you guys know that theresa plaisance (white) isnt even IN the wnba anymore and still has more commercial deals than most players in the league. (i could make that point about sue bird as well but she's like an icon of the league. no offense theresa plaisance i respect your game but you are not an icon of the league)

do you guys know what racism MEANS. do you know the difference between the words "racism" and "prejudice" and "bias." i teach this stuff to 5th graders as a job i can pull out the slideshow if yall need me to

[avvidstarion]

1, 6, 8, 12, and 17 my hater in arms 💕

The character everyone gets wrong

OKAY this is niche and OUTTA LEFT FIELD but my favorite book of ALL TIME is we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson and the HATE i see for its protagonist is ALL WRONG. It's in the same vein as like Chara undertale hate (another of my fave characters of all time) where peoples see a CHILD that clearly has a lot going on and are like. this person is irredeemably evil. no they're traumatized

6. Which ship fans are the most annoying?

bloodweave sorry bloodweave like. for why. why is it so popular why is it everywhere. like yeah every origin ship is valid and can be canon but like they both have much more interesting dynamics with other charactes. where is the gale/lae'zel art. hwere is the aslach (ass lack) or the aswylllach (ass will lack) art. why is bloodweave the most popular origin ship

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

okay this doesn't exactly fit bc i dont think it's super popular per se but it's on my mind today. i hate seeing fanart of kakashi and gojo together. people always twinkify them and alwasy draw them like they're about to fuck. 1) kakashi is not hot (dont get me wrong i want to fuck him but not cause he's like. physically attractive.) 2) they are not the same person 3) gojo will never be kakashi gojo wishes he was kakashi 4) kakashi would kill that man

OH OH ALSO THAT REMINDS ME I'LL THROW THIS IN HERE TOO. i don't like kakashi/iruka i think it's unfounded. they hardly ever talk. yeah they both love naruto but like can just be his mentor figures separately they don't have to be married. kakashi is married to guy like they are MARRIED. i feel like kakashi/guy would be way more popular if guy was a prettyboy twink (like iruka)

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

i wanna say wyll but like that shit actually makes me fucking angry and not in a silly haha way so i am going to instead say sera dragonage. now. i know there are a lot of sera dragonage haters out there and there are some things about her that i do not like. however i overall love her and i think she is a tragic case of bad writing and wasted potential. why did they have a straight white guy write a lesbian whose character arc revolves around internalized racism. why does the game literally talk shit about her during her romance arc. literally one of her romance quests is "you love sera and wanna get her something to show her how much you care. go ask your friends for gift advice" and EVERY SINGLE COMPANION OR ADVISOR IS JUST LIKE. I HATE SERA SHES SO ANNOYING WHY ARE YOU DATING HER. UGH. ALSO. the game makes you be so mean to her!! so many times the only dialogue options with her are like "stop talking weird i dont understand you'". also the fact that YOU CAN LITERALLY KICK HER OUT AT ANY TIME??? LIKE NO MATTER WHAT THERE IS ALWAYS A DIALOGUE BUTTON TO KICK HER OUT?? here are reasons why you should like sera:

she is fun trickster! solas fucking wishes he was her.

her subclass is just super fun!! throw jars of bees and fire and shit at your enemies!

she is so genuine and cares so much about what she believes in. i wish that was explored more but as i have said the game literally hates her so.

she loves you so much!!!! she marries you!!!!!!!!!

i actualy really like her voice and the way she talks. shes just fun!

she's autistic <3

17. there should be more types of this fic/art

more people should be drawing gale and halsin and karlach fat, for one. also everyone else in the party but like especially those three. larian the fact that you have zero fat people in your game sucks supremely and you should feel bad about it.

actually draw more characters as fat anyway.

[jentlemahae]

here is my honest fimchella review as a fearnot. there's def criticism to be had but obviously not to the extent knetz are getting at them tho holy shit. ngl, i'm shocked that i'm seeing more bp comparisons from knetz than from blinks. who would have thought? 🥴

overall it was a good performance and i liked it. it's def not as bad as ppl are making out, however, let's call a spade a spade, they probably should have used a backing track. idk i just think if you're getting so much backlash for having subpar vocals then maybe performing at the biggest festival in the world without a backtrack isn't the best idea? i get why they did it, they wanted to prove people wrong, but clearly from everyone's reactions it has not done that. "their vocals were shaky bc they were dancing" this is a valid criticism however it doesn't really work bc we have seen multiple occasions where their vocals are shaky when they're standing still. chaewon ate down tho. sakura said she had been taking vocal lessons to prepare and ngl i was impressed with her. there was definite improvement there so we just need hybe to continue to give more vocal lessons

their energy was 10/10 throughout. debuting a new song at coachella was a good choice (yg this is how you take advantage of new hype, take notes) and as always i loved the live band. i saw some ppl didn't like the setlist but this is coachella, they were never gonna do blue flame lol everyone plays their biggest hits and their most festival-y songs so i liked it. outfits were fine except for eunchae's (louis vuitton you will catch these hands). everything else was very strong except for the vocals, and unfortunately as a music artist that's a pretty key part of your performance. like i said before, hybe need to commit to giving them vocal coaching and they'll be unstoppable. anw, week 2 usually ends up being way better than week 1 so i'm really looking forward to next week's performance!! i hope the fimmies get to watch the other artists performing too, bc i haven't seen them do that yet

anon !!!!!! we have pretty much the same opinions 😭🙏🏻 i enjoyed it a lot — it was fun !!! sure, it wasn’t perfect, but i’m honestly surprised at the way knets are reacting bcs it really wasn’t that bad ????? yunjin and chaewon did great and compensated for the others, and everyone was bringing energy and charisma :) idk i had fun!

the backtrack……ngl i also thought they should’ve just used it 😭 like certainly not the entire time, but i think it’s good for artists to have something to rely on when they need to catch a breath (they used it for easy tho which i completely get)! and yeah, i get that they didn’t use it so they could beat the lip syncing / bad vocals allegations but……i am afraid that did not work out ? 🥴 but they did look. fun and very charismatic so that’s good !!!!!!

i liked the outfits but i wasn’t crazy about them (what’s with every kpop group wearing black and white for their first coachella gigs…….) but it could have been worse i guess

anw !!!!!! looking forward to next weekend !!!!!!!!

[cosmicanamnesis]

OOhhh I would love to hear about your hate for the Scarlet Letter!! I read Wide Sargasso Sea from the list in the post and it was okay. Written like a classic so not always the easiest to understand. And I had to read it for a class, which usually make me dislike the books more. Crazy as I am getting a degree in English and literature classes are my favorite.

see that was the only one on the list i'd never actually heard of so i might have to look into it. but yeah i was in the "I'm Here For English/Art/Choir And Nothing Else" camp in school. most of the classics we had to read i either threw my whole ass into (see: The Grapes of Wrath) or i'd give it a couple chapters and then sparknotes it from there (sorry Great Gatsby. baz luhrmann made a very entertaining movie out of u tho)

anyway this song is called I Will Raise Nathaniel Hawthorne From The Grave Just To Kill Him Again (under a read more bc this literally does not matter nd if u liked The Scarlet Letter u can just scroll right on by)

fair warning: this is not a scholarly essay, this is a shitty opinion piece that i'm writing while drinking cheap shit that might maybe qualify as whiskey. that's what you're getting here.

anyway.

my beef with TSL has... frankly very little to do with the actual content of the story, other than the story is just dead fucking boring.

puritans as a subject are boring, esp if you grew up as a person being persecuted by The Church(tm) in modern america (i say, making my first unfounded broad sweeping generalization of the night). like, yeah, No Shit they were religious extremists, have you seen the legacy they left? in that way i can understand how the contemporary or modern reader is supposed to feel sympathetic towards hester. the story is presented like "look at these crazies, look how they treat their women and their community," as if we're not doing the same shit in a different font to this day. pick a point in american history, you'll find hester and pearl there because as a society by and large we have barely progressed.

not to mention the focus of the story is on hester's relationships with dimmesdale and chillingworth more than, yknow, her own development as a fully realized person (rather than a representaion of Theoretical Complexity; a person can be both Sinful and Virtuous). because she isn't one. neither is pearl. pearl, willful and impish, is the personification of hester's sin. pearl is a prop.

does that all make the story timeless? yes, in the worst possible way.

hawthorne explores what it means to be ostracized in the most, like, affluent white boy way. like a frat bro doing shrooms and discovering empathy, hawthorne wrote the scarlet letter to show the concept of Sin And Consequences in a way that other affluent white guys might actually pick up on and say hey yeah that is a little fucked and make them realize other people are, in fact, people. if you are not in that specific demographic (which i can only hope was a purposeful target audience to teach them that message and not hawthorne himself realizing this for the first time) the philosophy is pretty fuckin weak. or. not so much Weak as it is Shallow, but ultimately it's both.

all to say, i was pretty clearly not the target audience here, and i think i have a pretty valid reason to not give a fuck abt TSL. that is not the reason why i so passionately hate this book.

the town i'm from has a pretty significant mormon population. i don't know if you know anything about mormons, but basically, LDS tradition has rules clearly outlining under what circumstances a person is meant to be shunned by the church. one of those conditions is apostasy, when a member officially leaves or is forcibly removed from the church and is declared an apostate by the temple. why do i know this? my best friend for a long time went through this process when they were 16 and living with me because their family kicked them out for being queer. not too long after this, TSL was assigned reading, and the class i was in was like 80% Assorted Christian denominations, the major one being... ding ding ding the fucking mormons.

so. put yourself in my spot. you are having Teacher-Lead Discussions about the topics and morals in TSL and on one side you have queer kids, atheists, Intelligent Troublemakers, etc, and on the other side you have a Protestant Army led by a Mormon Vanguard. nothing will make you hate a book like a dozen kids with absolutely no self awareness.

that segment pretty much boiled down to

"wow can you believe how CrAzY the Church(tm) used to be? :P"

"uh... yeah... you haven't changed."

"WHAT? pshhh OUR denomination is Nothing like /that/, women can wear pants outside of church activities now!"

"ok how do you feel about adultery when one's husband is presumed dead?"

"well. uh."

so to conclude: the Scarlet Letter is a very shallow criticism of early american puritan doctrine and the way that it's treated as a deeply profound classic is more of a reflection on the modern White Patriarchy than it is on the Puritans. and dont get me wrong, i think it's a pretty good subject for a high school lit class, if for no other reason than it teaches kids to recognize how morals and ideals are passed down even over hundreds of years. its a perfect example of that.

book fuckin sucks tho

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

this might be a weird thought but the way jensen performs masculinity (and i KNOW it’s a performance cause like, have you SEEN the mockumentary?) is just.... so inherently queer to me lmao

ok. okokokokokok. you asked for this. i have a LOT of thoughts on this. it’s gonna be under a cut because i’m gonna be annoying and psychoanalyse a celebrity i’ve never met(and hope i never do) but trust and believe when i tell you i know what i’m talking about so

you want my opinion? here goes. there is absolutely no way jensen ackles is straight. i hear you, ‘how do you know that he’s bi? that’s invasive and creepy’ but may i counter that point by saying how do you know he’s straight???? why is the default for everyone heterosexual? that’s a toxic mentality to have; ‘oh you don’t know for sure so just treat him like he’s 100% straight just in case’ like....what? heteronormativity drives me wild i’m sorry

and also, um, just to, um, prove my point that this man is decidedly not straight™(i really don’t want to do this but like it has to be said) we KNOW he’s not straight because his d*ck has spoken for itself around misha, like, four times. I HATE SAYING IT!!!!!!! but, um, straight men don’t get aroused by men. ...do i really need to explain myself further???? that’s what i thought(and don’t give me the ‘it could have been for unrelated reasons’ or ‘that wasn’t a boner!’ crap because um good lord yes it was and misha caused every single one so no it wasn’t a coincidence i’m gonna move on before i collapse into myself like a dying star)

anyway, on to the topic at hand which is jensen and his performative masculinity. and it’s a juicy one.

after the unconscious amount of hours i’ve put into watching and subconsciously judging jackles, i have come to the conclusion that like, 90% of how he presents himself and talks and even moves is an act. it’s a facade. it’s a shield. he is not that person. it actually seems exhausting, because he tries to compose himself in this macho, manly, confident and effortlessly cool way, but he’s not that person he desperately wishes he was and wants to be perceived as. he’s on guard every second, even the slightest tilt of his head is like, pre-meditated in some way? if i’m going FULL body language analyst mode, i’ve noticed he has a certain posture he always shifts himself into, and it’s very ‘pursed lips, stoic faced, gruff voiced, square-shoulder, broad and manly’ but, not to be rude jensen, it kind of reads as a little kid imitating the adults he thinks are cool? oof i am going IN huh(it’s out of love though i promise)

he is trying to be this person at every second:

because that’s who he wishes he was, because that’s how he gets validation from the people around him that he looks up to; straight white guys. but to me, who he presents himself to be at conventions is just as much of a performance as this whole eye of the tiger bit is.

oh i should mention i know his body language isn’t naturally like that because how he naturally carries himself is actually pretty flamboyant? like he seriously must be toning himself down HARD

examples:

there’s no tension in his body here as opposed to the eye of the tiger gif. i’d describe it as...generally loose and free? he’s at ease when he moves like that and you can see it.

oh and dude!!! DUDE!!!! how could i not mention the fucking SPECTACLE that is his voice??? jensen. i watched season one. i know where your voice naturally sits. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE. and there have been so many accounts of fans visiting jensen in his trailer and being surprised that his real voice is two octaves higher. again, his performance of masculinity is all encompassing. he can’t even talk normally because, in his mind, that’s a chink in his armour.

and, like you said, anon, this whole smokes-and-mirrors gong show of ‘i am the cool texan man’ is inherently queer. who are you trying to impress??? guys??? that’s pretty gay dude.(btw: gay[honorary])

i feel like i’ve already read this man for filth but i have to keep going bc i have so much to say

ok next thing i’m gonna talk about is how jensen says one thing but everything else about him tells us the exact opposite. another HUGE element of performative masculinity, ONE THAT DEAN WINCHESTER IS A MASTER OF. have i mentioned how dean and jensen are like mirrors of each other when it comes to their sexuality and queer identity??? because it is fascinating how everything i say about jensen also directly applies to dean.

allow me to introduce the grumpy face™. as in, the face he glues on when he’s enjoying doing something but doesn’t want to let anyone know it. and it’s ALWAYS when he’s doing something that could be seen as unmanly in any way. (and when i say manly i mean the ‘ideal’ version of manhood that doesn’t really exist but that jensen seems to be striving for[and dean too])

prime example is this video he did with daneel. the grumpy face™ doesn’t budge the whole time as he’s like,,,,playing an instrument and acting like he doesn’t want to bc i guess that’s too girly??? but i also find this video fascinating because the joke IN it is kind of that they’re both poking fun at him for being so insecure about playing a freaking flute. because, i mean, he gets into it, but he wants you to think he is not.

also this picture.

what is this. i hate them. jensen is smushing himself into misha’s forehead but noooo his face is telling us ‘i hate this’ because CLEARLY he does. also misha’s so happy ew gross

he does that face in photo ops with misha ALL THE TIME but how many times has he also literally asked the con goers if he can also have those photos on his phone too? because of course he actually loves touching misha and is actually a sentimental fool but he tries so hard to hide it and fails so spectacularly.

oh and this. and of COURSE this. actually let’s talk about the hitch kiss for a hot minute because it’s a perfect example of exactly what i’m talking about

(he is so transparent guys. he tries so hard but he’s so obvious.)

1. misha was never supposed to be onstage with him. so it’s a boldface LIE and OBVIOUS PLOY TO GET MISHA TO KISS HIM when he says ‘they’d like us to make out now’. but of course the way he says it is ‘oh my god can you believe what these crazy panel people are making us do haha but i mean what they say goes amirite’. same energy as ‘oh my god did you just dare us to kiss rn???’ ‘....no i didn’t’ ‘oh my god i can’t believe you’d ask that haha but i can’t say no to a dare lol’ it’s the SAME THING

2. the fact that he was in the worst mood before misha came onstage and FAKE KISSING HIM made him feel...SO?? much better? like not just a little better a lot better like, again, that says a lot, because if they weren’t dating he would not be in a better mood if misha kissed his cheek unprompted. bc that cheek kiss wasn’t a joke it was a genuine sign of affection and AHHHH

3. after the kiss happens. you know, the one that jensen actively leans into and is smiling like an idiot the whole time through and is quite clearly having the time of his life during....he says ‘well, that was uncomfortable’. .......my guy. um. i don’t know how to tell you that i do in fact have eyes and you are NOT pulling the fast one you think you are

like i’m so sorry jensen but i have you pegged. it’s literally no use.

god there’s so many instances of him doing this with misha specifically. the whole ‘ew gross lol’ but then everything about him tells us the exact opposite. like this(i hate this. how dare he say ‘he has though, hasn’t he?’ LIKE THAT?????)

so yeah my point with that is he really wants us to think he is one thing when he is the antithesis of what he’s trying to be. he really likes those things that he talks down about, and everything he’s loudly projecting is all to hide how he really feels. he went to a gay bar with daneel, for crying out loud. he wants to play a role in drag. he’s queer and he likes it. pov: you’re jensen ackles train of thought: ‘ok so i really like this thing that people might make fun of me for or call me gay for liking so if i just say ‘lol as if’ and make a grossed-out face they will be FOOLED. i am a genius. hey misha wanna blow on my ear lol i meAN GROSS EW’

i have two more things i want to talk about when it comes to this topic so PLEASE bear with me anon this is why you took so long to answer clearly lmao

ok so we’re now going to go over my favorite hot take of all time. which is ‘how do we know dean’s performing masculinity? because sam isn’t.’ only replace dean with jensen and sam with jared and oh my god do we ever have a case

jared is as STRAIGHT as they come. he is secure in that knowledge. and that’s why he is perfectly comfortable treating misha like this:

and not try to scream ‘i am not enjoying doing this!!!!!!’ at us. because he doesn’t care what we think of his sexuality like jensen does(because he has nothing to hide whereas jensen DOES)

something i found the other day that no one has brought up but i SCREAMED upon finding it is this one clip THAT I CAN’T FIND OH GOD but i promise i’m not making it up. i can’t believe i can’t find it guys it is gold. i need need NEED to talk about it. and if anyone knows what i’m referencing and can apply links in any way i will love you forever but here’s what happens off the top of my head:

ok so i’m a bit too braindead to explain it perfectly but um basically it’s a j2 panel and someone brings up magic mike and i think jared says ‘yeah i didn’t watch it’ and then jensen says ‘all the way through’. stupid joke. whatever. the joke is that jared is gay for watching magic mike.

and then i literally kid you not. jared gets this like ‘jesus christ ok dude? lol’ look on his face and then goes ‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ and jensen gets a guilty look on his face and walks away. and jared did not say it as a joke. he was being dead pan and earnest. and jensen knew it too, he knew he was projecting. i wish i could show you guys the clip i promise if i ever find it i’ll link it but IS THAT NOT SO DAMNING FOR JENSEN????? like come ON. also proves my point that when you compare how they feel about watching magic mike. jared doesn’t care bc watching it just doesn’t interest him, but he also thinks that just watching it in itself doesn’t make you gay. jensen however.......has a different mindset, clearly.

‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ is actually a great title for my next and FINAL section(we’re almost there folks) which is how jensen projects his insecurites about his own sexuality and relationship with misha onto misha.

i hope by now we’ve all seen this video of jensen impersonating cas. it is a blatant microaggression on his part. and like obviously homophobic. it’s like in his mind if he makes fun of them for being gay it makes them both less gay somehow??? it’s self-deprecation in a way??? let’s just tell it like it is: that impression was just jensen’s overt internalized homophobia rearing it’s ugly head. he does it a LOT too when it comes to misha.

i mean:

and that whole mess where he’s making fun of misha for being a bottom in their panel in 2016? ‘so you’re saying, like with football terms, there’s a handler and there’s a receiver heheheehe’ jensen you’re not exempt from being gay just because you know football terms lmao

oh and his OTHER impression of misha where he mocks him for...bicycling...because it’s not a manly enough sport??? jensen NO ONE else has ever thought this hard in their lives about what constitutes as masculine enough to be a sport before. that’s all you bud. we don’t find those jokes nearly as funny as you do. you are reaching, sir

the good news is that misha thinks it’s hilarious and knows it’s projecting on jensen’s part and will tease him endlessly for it. many stories come to mind, like that one photo op story where they’re literally dressed in rainbow banners and pride stickers but when misha goes to hold his hand jensen said something like ‘no way’ and then misha stepped back, put his hands on his hips and went ‘that’s the part that’s too gay for you???’ and jensen LOST it

or when that whole underwear thing happened(messy messY MESSY BTW) and then a fan asked a question about what dean and cas would do in rome and misha just said ‘when in rome’ and jensen makes a face like ‘are you serious’ and then misha says ‘you can’t look at me like that anymore, because of what you did!!!!!!’

OH and that whole story about when misha suggested they put jensen in the closet for that cat video....yeah um

and then when jensen was asked to do bisexual finger guns for a photo op and the con goer said ‘he looks bisexual here’ and misha literally said ‘oh he definitely looks bisexual here. i would say he’s actually closer to the gay side of the spectrum’ so..um...make with that as you will

OH MY GOD i’m finally done. wow. WOW. that was a lot. i hope i’ve blown your minds. ty anon i really wanted to talk about this and i hope you’re happy with the outcome!!!!!!

[iamanartichoke]

[please blacklist spoiler tags: #loki tv series spoilers, #loki series spoilers, #loki spoilers] 

I know I have missed a lot of people’s takes and reactions, there’s just - there’s so many. So I’m sorry if I’m inadvertantly repeating anyone or whatnot when I proceed to make my own posts. 

Cut for length and spoilers.

Which is a segue into - I feel legitimately concerned, based on how many people are reading the TVA as being the moral authority and/or being on Loki’s side, and Mobius Dick’s interrogation being therapeutic for Loki (and how gross that is), along with an emphasis on ooc-ness for Loki and just overall cracks and fractures in the (what I thought was a) more or less solid episode - 

I feel legitimately concerned that I may have wildly misinterpreted, like, everything, up to and including Loki’s characterization. And it’s actually kind of hilarious bc like - 

Me: All opinions and interpretations are valid! No worries! Also I’m open-minded! Also I have no issue admitting I’m wrong! 

Also me: *feels physically ill at the idea that my interpretation is so very wrong* 

I’m not even lying, guys, my stomach is in knots. And I guess it’s because, like - I thought that it was pretty straightforward that the TVA are the antagonists here?? That Mobius isn’t Loki’s friend - he’s Loki’s interrogator and handler bc he needs Loki for his own purposes. That the “single sacred timeline” is not only nonsensical but also kinda fucked up (as Loki rightfully points out). 

Like I’m watching these scenes and it doesn’t even occur to me to take the TVA’s word as the correct one here. Why would I? I’m taking Loki’s word as the correct one - Loki, the one who’s calling out everything that is stupid and ridiculous about the concept of the Timekeepers and the TVA, the one who is being scape-goated and is aware of it. 

To touch on the ooc-ness of Loki - I mean, the first half of the episode was cringey and ooc, yeah; Loki was too over-the-top and the “comedic” tone didn’t quite land (I’m honestly wondering if Tom’s just not good at comedy? I mean, Betrayal was a genuinely funny play (and heartwrenching) but besides that, I can’t think of anything really comedic that he’s done.) but I’m willing to overlook that because when we got into the second half of the episode, he began to feel much more like the Loki I love.  

Historically, Loki has consistently been the one to see the truth for what it really is and either saying or doing something about it. He actively tries to delay Thor’s coronation because he recognizes, when no one else does, that Thor is not ready to be king. He knows that Odin isn’t as righteous and wise as he pretends to be (and, in fact, he knows that Odin is guilty of more than Loki could ever be, and he calls that out too). He sees SHIELD as the farce it is (and possibly knows Hydra has infiltrated it; I headcanon that he knew but just didn’t care bc why would he?), and he sees Earth and the humans in a much more accurate light than Thor could hope to. You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers; the humans slaughter each other in droves while you idly fret. Etc. Here, it’s the clowns are playing their parts to perfection (that’s the only quote I can remember right now). 

And I mean, yeah, the narrative has never acknowledged that Loki is right about everything. It’s a huge source of frustration for me bc the narrative continues to be so black-and-white about heroes and villains and, being villain-coded, Loki doesn’t get to be validated no matter how right he is. 

But I don’t think that’s the case here. I think, as the protagonist, his word holds a bit more weight. It should, at least, and I personally didn’t see anything that made me think that we shouldn’t consider Loki the authoritative voice in all of this. Loki, not the TVA. 

Mobius’s interrogation? Was very clearly cruel and fucked up, to me. The sham of a fake ass trial that Loki had to endure, with the implication being that no one who stands trial is actually getting a fair trial bc the TVA has no intention of judging anyone not guilty? Fucked up, with horrifying implications. The process of deleting people from existence being literally as detached and soulless as a trip to the DMV (complete with tickets!)? Very disturbing. Like, none of these things are the traits that I would look at and say, hmm, yeah, these guys seem legit and totally correct about everything, too bad for Loki. 

And Loki’s reactions to Mobius - his frustration, his defiance, and his eventual emotional breakdown (which we only saw when Loki was completely alone) all felt accurate to me. Again, there were a lot of over the top aspects of Tom’s performance here but I think what makes me more willing to overlook them is that, in general, we’re getting a more animated Loki than we’ve gotten to see him before, in a way that feels true to him as opposed to whatever was going on with him in Ragnarok. 

He’s not in the middle of a mental breakdown/identity crisis. He’s not being mind-controlled anymore (or influenced). He’s not being villain-coded while Thor is propped up as the hero and the ideal which, to me, means that we are actually getting to see Loki’s personality when all of that is taken away and the only thing he’s got left is himself. It’s a really shitty situation and I hate that he’s in it, but after the initial exaggerated reactions, his response to it worked for me. 

So - yeah. And now I’m like, biting my nails and my stomach is in knots bc I thought I knew Loki and I had a comfortable idea of Loki, and I thought I was more or less decent at interpreting things - but, so, clearly there were things happening and being picked up on that just whooshed right over my head bc it never occurred to me to be on the lookout for them in the first place. Does that make sense? I don’t even know what I’m saying. 

Just - I am really, really doubting my own perception of what this series is attempting to do with Loki and it does not feel good at all. So I guess ultimately I am not capable of putting my money where my mouth is and treating all interpretations as valid, when it comes to myself. (I didn’t realize I was that far up my own ass so as to speak confidently about validity while telling myself that my idea is pretty correct.) Soo there we are. 

Idk if I even want to post this but it’s time for me to clock out now so, for better or for worse, *hits post button* 

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

I have no knowledge of the office beyond memes, but I would love to hear a rant. Go off about it, you deserve it -Dream

dream, you are so valid, and a real one

bc i have Broken Wrist Syndrome i’ll try to keep this an abridged, bullet-point rant about How The Office Fucked Up Michael’s Possible Character Arc And I’ll Never Forgive Them For It but y’all know me and my love of ranting and hatred of following silly earthly body rules sooooo

tl;dr- michael scott’s character had the set up/foundation to have a, frankly, incredible character arc that could’ve meant something to a lot of the viewers and redeemed his character in a real, honest way but the producers of the office were too chicken shit to follow through with this and as such left michael to forever be a mar on the office name

okay so if you’ve ever seen the office, you know that michael is a discriminatory egotist who tends to be a piece of shit thinking he’s The Shit

there is practically no one in his life that he does not, at some point, insult, ridicule, mock- etc etc etc. this includes all his partners, all his coworkers, and complete strangers

and if someone he knows is in a minority or discriminated group (afab people, gay people, POC, etc) you can guarantee he makes insensitive jokes and jabs at them regarding that minority status

along with this, he has an extremely ‘i am the only person in the universe’ mindset, and he consistently betrays, hurts, sabotages, and ignores people who challenge this mindset

he’s immature, insensitive, discriminatory, and worst of all childish

the only reason i say his being ‘childish’ is the worst is bc of what it allows him to get away with

oftentimes his inability to face and accept the consequences of his actions forces the people around him to bend to his will and sacrifice what should happen for his feelings

it also, in my opinion, causes many office fans to overlook his large amount of flaws and instead focus on his ‘carefree, kind, no-harm-intended’ nature which is a problem bc Y’all This Man Is Not Good

however despite how crappy a character he is, michael’s character was almost expertly crafted for a sorta redemption arc as it were

it’s constantly talked about and referenced in show that michael had a lonely childhood, one i do sympathize with

he talks of his best friend being the lunch lady, numerous childhood stories lacking in friends, that one tv show tape where he say he ‘wants to have 100 kids, because then he’ll have 100 friends who can never leave him’, etc

it’s clear he was an outcast, likely due to his ‘wacky’ sort of personality

this caused him to latch on to the friends he could get- in the case of what the show tells us, this is todd packer, someone who is even worse than michael

this leads to michael developing his toxic sense of humor

now, while having a bad childhood and making bad friends is not a reason to be free of figurative sin of being a discriminatory asshole, it does lay the groundwork to redeem him in a missed-opportunity brilliance

because what they could have done is shown, gradually throughout the series, michael realizing that the office is truly filled with his friends... friends who don’t like his offensive jokes

and it’s fairly clear they are his friends! even as early as the first episodes they make sacrifices and tailor things to him, to make him happy and lift his spirits despite how rude he is to them

but despite the fact that he clearly has friends michael continues, throughout more or less the entire series (that he’s there), to act as if he’s still the hated, friendless kid who’s trying to hold face and convince everyone why they should be his friend

this is one of the worst parts of michael’s fuckery, as he refuses to acknowledge his friends while still being awful to them, ignoring their repeated outcries against his insensitive comments and behavior

instead, michael continues to be awful to his friends (who he does Not deserve), and the writers of the show throw the audience little pieces of scrap meat in the form of a tragic childhood to try and convince us that excuses his behavior

which is a fucking SLAP IN THE FACE to the audience bc y’know what???? y’know what?!?!?!?

michael’s character arc could’ve been great. it could’ve shown audiences filled with white cishet men with that exact sense of humor in a society that practically peer pressures them to be discriminatory assholes that that is not what makes you good, honest, real friends. it could’ve meant smth, smth about equality and fairness and rightness and learning from your past and becoming someone better despite all the mistakes you’ve made

and they threw that all AWAY

right up until he leaves, michael continues his awful behavior, and the only time he even gets somewhat better is when he gets together with holly shortly before leaving the show

that’s IT

the ONLY time he gets even SOMEWHAT better is for AMARTOTVITY REASONS

i cant spell that word and u cant make me

BUT MY POINT STANDS

anyways ik i did a tl;dr at the beginning but to sum up less eloquently,,,,, they could have done smth great with michael’s character and his character arc but they didn’t and they left michael a flat sucky character whose popularity to the fans baffles me to this day

[doctormage]

ok I don’t have a death wish so I’m not posting this on twitter but I am literally going to lose my mind if I see more people claim we didn’t like w****n bc she is a woman.

actually I didn’t back her bc she LIED about being indigenous, claimed that for 20 years, & used that to take opportunity away from ACTUAL indigenous women (and, in fact, contributed a plagiarized recipe to a cookbook called “pow wow chow”)

and because she has been explicitly asked by the Cherokee nation to renounce her claims of indigenous ancestry and she STILL has not, making her apology hollow and superficial

and because she believes more people should serve in the military and voted for an increased military budget as recently as 2017

and because she called herself a “capitalist to her bones” and stood and clapped when DONALD TRUMP said we would never be a socialist country in the 2019 State of the Union (here is a similar, but not exact, moment from the 2018 SOTU, in which she stands and applauds Trump for spouting platitudes about “American destiny,” which I can’t help but compare to “Manifest Destiny,” but of course this is my own attitudes entering a discussion of fact)

and because her plans were means-tested, NOT truly “for all,” which opens the door for others to decide who is “poor enough” to have access to things that are BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS

and because an understanding of the perils and exploitative nature of capitalism is KEY to not treating basic human rights as commodities, and we are well past hope of “reforming” the system that has let people DIE in the name of money since its inception

and because she promised to NEVER take super pac money because of her alleged belief that money should stay out of politics, then turned around and accepted a BIG ASS donation

and because she was a “diehard conservative” while Bernie Sanders has been fighting for marginalized groups since before he was even in office, but even more so DURING the 40 years he’s been in office

and because she defended additional military funding for Israel in 2014 during the war on Gaza, a conflict that lead to the death of 2,200+ Palestinians, including civilians; her record with foreign policy shows a failure to use her position of power and privilege for the benefit of others 

and because she doesn’t believe that all prisoners should have the right to vote, which aids in dehumanizing incarcerated people (a population which has a disproportionate amount of people of color), conflating morality with legality, maintaining the prison industrial complex, AND voter suppression

and because this year she supported letting the rules of the DNC “play out,” rather than backing the idea that the candidate with the most votes should win the nomination, which is yet another means of ensuring the voices of the american people are merely an afterthought to so-called democracy

and because no one wants to acknowledge that she started losing support once she started veering closer toward the center, she was doing quite well early on, so her change in approach had quite an impact on people withdrawing their support

I could go on, but for me, even 1 or 2 of these is enough for me to clearly state HER BEING A WOMAN DID NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHY I DO NOT SUPPORT HER. I am a woman. I am a woman who is getting ritually screwed over by government policy. I understand my privilege as a white woman and I FURTHER understand how the repetitive narrative that it was only her gender standing in her way is HARMFUL and ignores marginalized groups’ very valid criticism of her and her policies

I am far from saying that her being a woman had nothing to do with the downfall of her campaign, nor am I saying it wasn’t the dealbreaker for anyone. the kind of critique she received from plenty of people was gendered - but it is objectively untrue and unhealthy to assert that all of us who criticized her were being sexist. indigenous people, black people, and people of color deserve to be heard; the criticisms, thoughts, emotions, and ideas of the disabled, of the LGBT+ community, of the working class, of immigrants, of people in other countries, of the chronically ill, of the mentally ill, and of all the women who fall into at least one or more of these groups deserve to be heard. insinuating that ALL their criticisms are simply blinded by sexism only further highlights the racism, xenophobia, classism, homophobia, and transphobia that influence that assumption.

I fully understand the ability to learn and grow from your mistakes. I made a virtual 180 in my political beliefs - after working in politics for several years - when I was 19. However, when you’re an adult (and politician) your “opinions” have a tangible effect on others. It needs more than just an apology, and it sure as hell needs to be publicly addressed. No politician is perfect, of course. But at the end of the day, Bernie Sanders has been pushing the same progressive agenda since the beginning, and when a once-in-a-lifetime candidate like that is on the stage, I have to stand with him.

Also! This post isn’t about Bernie, but he is jewish and that 100% matters. Our country is run by a man who praises nazis. I hate to think of the anti-semitism on the rise as Bernie comes closer to victory. It is important that we acknowledge he is not free from the bigotry of others.

[tydye]

An OC thing I did at 2 am bc why not

Warning: slight angst at the beginning with a lot of sad angsty thoughts. Just a lot of insecurities and self-criticizing thoughts. 

______________________________________

Tyler sat there. All by himself in the rain, on a lonely uncomfortable bench. It was a park bench, but no one really went to this park anymore. So the bench was an old, very old, wooden bench. Tyler was pretty sure he had a bunch of splinters on his legs from sitting in many different positions. 

Now you may be wondering what Tyler was even doing on an old park bench, in a pretty much empty old park, in the rain, and not to mention all of this happening around 1:40 a.m. The reason was fairly simple. Tyler felt like shit.

He left his crumby house after having an argument with his fiancé. A stupid argument, but to Tyler it was important. Tyler sighed and decided on just pulling his legs up to his chest and burying his face in his knees. Maybe he’d have somewhere to go if he hadn’t had moved in with his fiancé he would’ve had somewhere to go. Maybe if he hadn’t had been such a dumbass- an emotional and overly sensitive dumbass he could at least be in his warm and comfortable splinter-free bed. If only I wasn’t so... me. 

Tyler sniffled and honestly at this point couldn’t tell if his face was wet because his sopping wet hair was sticking to his face, or if it were because of his tears. He settled on both. Tyler’s head space was drastically low at the moment. Insecurities coming out. Anxiety poking at him. Self-criticizing thoughts just not wanting to leave him alone.

You were just being overdramatic. Stop being a drama queen. God- why am I so emotional?! Stop being sensitive Tyler. And stop crying too its pathetic. You are so pathetic. Stop drawing attention to yourself, no one is going to even care. Stop it. Just- stop.

Tyler sniffled and shook his head as if to shake away all the overwhelming and self-deprecating thoughts that circled him and his mind. He just felt so alone. So fucking alone and pathetic. You wouldn’t have been alone if you just kept your mouth shut. This is your fault you feel like this-

Tyler’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the rain hitting something- an umbrella he recognized. Tyler slowly looked up, his eyes puffy and filled with tears just waiting to fall some more. His wet hair still sticking to his forehead and the side of his face. His gorgeously sad eyes looked into amber ones.

A tall man with amber eyes, very captivating amber eyes, that looked so strong but tender. Pale fair skin and golden brown hair. His hair looked so silky- and his skin looked so soft. He looked about 26 which would be a year older than Tyler. “ I don’t mean to intrude, but you’re gonna get sick without an umbrella y’know?” The man spoke with a small teasing tone and had just the tiniest smirk on his face. He held a black umbrella over both of them, just standing right in front of Tyler.

“ O-Oh- I- Thank you… and I had some sort of idea of that, but I guess I hadn’t thought of it really until now.” Tyler mumbled and wiped at his eyes, sniffled a bit, and cleared his slightly groggy throat. Tyler let his legs dangle off the bench again. The man wore a black snow coat and a black undershirt. Some regular jeans and beat up worn out black and white converse. Some more appropriate attire to rainy weather, meanwhile Tyler was wearing a measly blue and white striped t-shirt that was clearly oversized on him, and some short shorts. Also, he had sandals on.

“ Are you alright, Stranger?” The man’s eyebrow crawled an inch up and now looked a bit confused. Those amber eyes were concerned though.

Tyler chuckled and looked down at his lap,” I-I’m fine.”

“ You don’t seem fine.”

“ You don’t even know me.”

“ I think I can tell when someone is upset though. And to be fair you are pretty easy to read.”

“ Oh yeah?”

The man nodded and sat down next to Tyler with a small sigh. “ So what’s wrong?”

“ I don’t even know you.” Tyler scoffed and let his legs swing back and forth. 

“ Which means it doesn’t matter if you tell me your problems,” Said the man plainly,” I mean if you’re all alone with your problems you clearly feel like you don’t have anyone to tell. So why not tell it to someone you don’t know- someone you wouldn’t care knowing your problems, so a stranger. Which is something I happen to be to you.” 

Tyler chuckled again and shook his head. He had a pained smile on his face now. “ I’m tired.”

“ Then sleep.” Tyler could hear a grin in the man’s voice.

Tyler rolled his eyes and looked up at him,” Not like that!”

“ Then how?

Tyler sighed and looked back down. “ I’m tired of my fiancé. I love him- I really do, but… I feel like there’s something missing. But then again we have moments that make me feel like how I did when we first got together. Like I’m walking on clouds and free-falling through the endless sky. And then we have moments that just- it stops the feeling. The sky does have an end and I hit it hard. I think he’s tired of me too, and I feel like he’s getting to the point where- where he doesn’t love me anymore… and it hurts because we’re engaged. We’ve been engaged for five years, and if we don’t even get married then what was the point? I wasn’t the one who proposed, he did. I may have fallen first but he told me first, then asked me out. I thought it was clear he loved me, but maybe it’s my fault? Then again he never gave me the chance to show my love for him and there is just so much love. But I’m tired. Tired of feeling lonely and tired and feeling like we aren’t soulmates as we said we were.” The man nodded along as Tyler vented out his thoughts. 

“ And we just had another argument. I ran out and I feel dumb for that. I was being emotional- overdramatic. I was telling him- how I felt. Saying maybe we should just call off the engagement because it doesn’t seem like we’ll ever be married. And we yelled. A lot. I feel dumb for feeling like this, for burdening him with my thoughts and feelings. But it hurts, and I can’t take it anymore.” Tyler sniffled and began to cry into his hands.

The man gave Tyler a sympathetic look and fiddled with his coat zipper. “ Well, I think he’s dumb that he hasn’t married you yet. Someone as passionate and caring as you. You feel with all of your heart and nothing is bad about that. I think it’s actually quite a good quality.” 

Tyler let out a breath of a laugh and looked up at the blonde through his now semi-wet hair. “ Really?”

“ It’s a shame you don’t feel that way, and in my opinion, you have all the right to feel how you do. It’s human and completely valid.” 

“ My name’s Tyler.”

“ Huh?” The guy gave Tyler a weird and very confused look, clearly not expecting that response.

“ Tyler, that’s my name.”

“ Oh um, the name’s Kylar actually. Kylar Beauregard.” 

Tyler laughed at that definitely not expecting a name so similar to his own,” Wow. How ironic, and uh, I didn’t know we were including last names in this. But my last name is Queen.”

“ Oh wow, should I have bowed then??” Kylar joked and Tyler found his mood slowly cheering up.

“ Oh shush you.” 

“ I’m good, I quite like talking,” Kylar smirked and Tyler rolled his eyes, but was smiling anyway.

“ Thank you for this, I really needed it.” Tyler hummed and Kylar shrugged nonchalantly. 

“ It’s no biggie, I don’t mind really. It beats going to the grocery store like I was requested to by my roommate.” 

“ Hm, I see so you only used me and my pathetic problems so you could procrastinate.” Tyler said faking offense,” How cruel!” 

Kylar laughed and shoulder bumped him,” Oh don’t be so dramatic about it.” 

“ Me? Dramatic? Never!” Tyler giggled and let his shoulders relax. “ Would you uh… like to procrastinate some more on the groceries and get some coffee? There’s a cafe nearby that I quite like.” 

Kylar smiled and stood up offering a hand to help Tyler up, Tyler took it and smiled. “ I’d like that.” 

“ Cool…” Tyler smiled and they began walking,” But you may have to pay. I don’t have my wallet.”

“ And you say I was using you. You’re a hypocrite! You only want me there for your coffee and my money.” Kylar joked and then they left the old lonely park.

[fairycosmos]

whats up i am The Literal Ugliest girl i have ever seen im not even being sarcastic i am so fucking disgusting it makes me sick i hate my disgusting full of acne skin, my ugly nose, my nonexistent lips and my fat short body. i want to kill myself SO MUCH but im scared my parents will be sad. do you think they’ll get over it and i should just do it bc nothing is changing and ive been waiting for years for a change and now im 22 and im fucking tired i cant fucking breathe

hey, it's okay. listen, i'm really sorry you're in such a negative place right now and i can't imagine how hard it must be. like i can absolutely relate and i totally understand where you're coming from, but your pain is your own and i won't infringe on it. that being said, of course your parents won't just 'get over' something like that. the trouble with self destructive tendencies is that your brain will do anything to make them seem plausible. it will engage you in emotional, black and white thinking - it'll force you to believe there's no other options, it'll use your insecurities against you to the highest degree in order to blow them out of proportion and make you feel bad. your self hatred is spinning a false narrative about you. i know you know about the subjectivity of beauty, the pressure we're all under to reach impossible standards, the way they sell us these made up ideas about attractiveness because that's what makes money. you can be aware of all of that and still hate the way you look, but recognizing that there is truly no wrong way to have a physical form (regardless of your low self confidence) can really make a difference. clearly this runs deeper than your appearance, i get that. but you must understand that your conditioned mind is not reliable. ugliness is a) an inevitably for everyone since our purpose isn't constant prettiness, b) not set in stone, not defined as 'one thing', and c) not a reason to take your own life. i understand that as a woman everything seems to hinge on that, but you can find comfort and happiness regardless. others don't see you the way you see yourself, and your self perception is all messed up by your biased mindset anyway. it's something a lot of people struggle with, but there IS a balance to be found. i know it's hard, i know. but experiencing this world and trying to appreciate who you are is a million times more rewarding than punishing yourself for something so uncontrollable and insignificant and inconsistent in it's validity. youre not a walking advirtisment, your body doesn't exist to fill a quota. and that can be really difficult to accept but. it's just true, it always comes back to that fact.

you're clearly in a very intense and emotional state of mind right now, and i really don't blame you. when you're sad and dealing with mental issues and you feel like there's literally no way forward, the entire world feels like the enemy. but i'd really really urge you to take a look at your thinking patterns when you're able to, in order to realize how irrational and untrue they are. harming yourself is not the correct response to not liking your reflection. instead consider outside factors, whats influencing your opinions, what you can do to make yourself feel a little more stable in the moment (cry, write, talk to a family member or friend, take a walk.) take a breath, and be sure to remain in a physically safe environment for now. that's good enough, i promise. you're doing so much better than you think you are, just by getting through the moment. you have copious amounts of worth beyond the way you look. you were born with it and it'll never go away. you have so much to offer and to see and you should not allow the unnecessary guilt to take all of that away from you. a whole future is worth so much more than you realize. i know 5 more minutes with this feeling doesn't feel worth ten years without it. but i'm honestly telling you that there are so so so many ways to grow beyond this mindset and none of them involve hurting yourself. you don't have to do anything. you're in control, not your sadness, not your temporary feelings.

you sent this anon for a reason, and i'm unbelievably glad you did. it shows you have the ability to reach out, even if it's through an unconventional platform. so if you want to know what i really believe would be good for you, then hear me out. you need to talk to your parents and you need to look at your options in regards to seeing a professional about this. whether it's through a doctor, a counselor, a support group, a hotline. anything, there is so much available. please please please do not let the self destructive part of you write the idea off as if it's nothing. because your brain will try every trick in the book to make you think it's pointless but trying is never fruitless, not in this regard. you don't have to go into great detail, but i think it could be a real relief if you just sat your parents down and told them that you're having a really hard time, you don't know what to do, and you think you need some extra support. it is completely and utterly natural to be scared, to not want to do it. vulnerability is like that. but it's a much better form of fear than the one you'll feel by staying silent and letting this get worse and worse. the bottom line is suicidal thoughts, while somewhat common, are not normal and are an indicator that it's time to prioritize your mental health. even when everything in you is screaming at you to go the other way, to self destruct. it's hard to care about what happens to you when you just don't but i'm begging you to have some empathy for your future self, alright? that is what you're looking for here, i swear. you're going to be you for the rest of your life and while that may seem daunting right now it is something you can grow to enjoy as you create a whole lifetime of experiences beyond this pain. a professional will be able to get to the root causes of what's going on, while working with you to create a care plan so that you're prepared for these episodes in the future and showing you how to implement positive patterns into your daily life. disentangling your self worth from the way you look is not impossible and is actually very doable through small exercises and patience. minimizing the damage and building from the ground up, awakening yourself to alternative perceptions, is done through communication. it's ok if it's frustrating, it's ok if it takes time. i'm not saying you have to start loving yourself immediately, or that this will solve everything, but it is a great place to start. just making the initial choice to reach out to your parents will make a massive difference. i can't stress it enough, the importance of you realizing that your self hatred and your self perceived 'ugliness' aren't irreversible truths, they are emotional inconsistencies derived from underlying issues that can be addressed with time and small amounts of effort. where you're at right now is truly not where you'll always be no matter how much you feel otherwise. please, if you're a danger to yourself call someone and put your own physical safety first. i'm begging you, it is not going to solve anything and it is not what you deserve. you will find what you do deserve eventually but you have to stick around to see it. you're stronger than you realize. you haven't made it this far for nothing. i really hope you're alright and that you're able to talk with your parents, or that you at least consider it for now. i'm sure they'll appreciate the honesty, and that's where it all begins. just admitting to what's going on, which you've already proved your capable of. sending a lot of love to you, don't hesitate to hit me up if you need a friend. you're not alone.

https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[his-mother-is-lightning]

I want to tell you all about the most validating moment of my entire life. I think about it all the time, especially when I’m really frustrated with my boss or life in general. This is a story about history, fonts, and a very friendly man from British Columbia

So in 2018, I went to the Colorado Antiquarian Book Seminar or CABS. In May, I emailed this lady I’d heard about, asking what advice she might give a young woman looking to get into the rare books trade. 

Quick digression: to the surprise of literally no one ever, the rare/antiquarian book trade is dominated by old white dudes. And this goes WAY back (in the European tradition at least), like 1000 years ago, when ppl first started to make notes on tablets to track trade and shit. Women have had a greater role in the history of books than these old white dudes want to admit, but men have been collecting books since forever and women are trying to catch up.

So, with that context in mind, I emailed this woman and said, “I know there are booksellers in my area I could reach out to, but what I really need is to hear from someone who understands where I’m coming from.” This very lovely woman responded and recommended I go to CABS to see if it really was something I wanted to do. So I say ‘sure, let’s do that’ and off I go to a random conference in Colorado. 

There are two things you need to know about me. 

1. I do not know how to act in literally any social situation. If I’m at any kind of gathering and I don’t know someone already, I will inevitably hover around the edges looking confused and overwhelmed. 

2. At the same time, I am VERY good at talking. I’m very articulate, I always have an opinion and, most important of all, I will always talk, even if no one else wants to. In college, I raised my hand for every question, I spoke on behalf of my group in every class, always wanted to read out loud - you can’t shut me up. I might be awkward about it, but I’m always going to say something. 

Why does this matter? Well, it’s the first day of CABS and we’re brought into an auditorium to listen to the opening speaker, Russell Maret. Russell Maret is a lot of things, but here he was talking about creating fonts. This dude is like, the 'Printer in Residence’ at Oxford, and he all of his work goes straight to the Library of Congress for safekeeping, it’s ridiculous. Very talented guy, but his entire existence is ridiculous. 

So he’s giving this presentation about fonts. It was really interesting, introduced me to all this stuff about fonts and printing - very cool. This one bit where he talks about the move from representational to abstract art caught my attention, enough so that I was still thinking about it when he finally finished. What happens next? The Q&A of course! And guess who has a question? 

There I am - obviously the youngest person at this conference, sitting slightly to the side of everyone else bc I hadn’t spoken to a single person yet - standing up to ask a question. I say my name first, as instructed, and I said something similar to this: 

“When you were talking, you said art became less representational as new technology made it easier to produce art, making it less important to depict things accurately. Do you think this had the same affect on literature? Early modernism happened at the same time, and it’s all more artistic and experimental. Could this be connected?” 

Russell Maret responded: “This is actually happening in a totally different time period: modernism started in the 1950s and 60s with Picasso and art like that. I’m talking about the turn of the 20th century so no, I don’t think they’re related.” 

I nodded in thanks and sat down, and he went on answering other people’s questions, but I was furious. He clearly hadn’t listened to my actual question, because I had asked about ‘early modernism’, which happened in the late 1800s to about 1930 - Virginia Woolf, Impressionist art, “Swann’s Way”, that kind of thing. I felt that my question was completely valid, but he assumed I was talking about something else and dismissed me entirely.   

I don’t know how many ppl in the room knew what we were talking about, but it hardly mattered: I felt like a child, a stupid child trying to sound smart but doesn’t really know anything. I knew in that moment that this wasn’t a big deal, no one would remember it, but all I could think about was going to dinner with everyone later that day. This was the only thing anyone knew about me now: this is what they’ll think of when they see me. I was miserable for the rest of the day. 

So dinner does happen eventually. It’s outside, and the 30 or so people at this conference are milling around, loading plates at the buffet and bringing them to the tables set up nearby. I made the strategic move of getting there early enough to get a seat at an empty table, but regretted it when everyone got into groups and settled at the larger tables. I was lucky enough to get one woman in the seat next to me, but she turned her chair around to talk to someone else. 

I sat, and ate, and counted down the minutes until I could justify leaving. Until suddenly, this handsome young guy drops into the seat across from me and says, out of the blue, “I really liked your question, and would love to hear your thoughts about early modern writing. I don’t think he totally understood what you were saying, but I thought it was really interesting.” 

This sounds completely fake, but I swear, this hot Canadian guy (he introduced himself later) came over to my table bc he thought the speaker didn’t know what he was talking about, and came to me because I asked an interesting question. This man sat there for at least 30min talking to me about this. He knew TONS of stuff I didn’t know about different theories or works, but he wanted to hear what I thought. Some other people - drawn to the friendly, hot Canadian - stopped by, and most of them joined the conversation. And when he left to talk to someone else, someone was there to fill his seat. 

This hot Canadian (whose name I cannot remember) couldn’t have known that  coming over to talk would mean so much to me. But I was this young woman, alone, at a conference about a profession I knew nothing about - I really needed someone who could make me feel like I fit in. We talked a bunch of times over the course of the seminar, but I never brought this up. There was no need to make it more obvious that I wasn’t good with people. I tried to be extra nice to him, but I doubt he noticed. 

The point of this stupidly long story is that really smart people are just wrong sometimes, and young people can actually know what they’re talking about. So every time someone acts like my opinion doesn’t matter, I remember this Canadian kid, and just let it happen. Their opinion doesn’t matter anyway

[smallblanketfort]

In school, getting feedback on papers I've written is a nightmare for me. I always avoid looking at the results for a few days until I've gained the courage to do so. I'm sure this has something to do with perfectionism but idk. I always feel like I'm my biggest critic. Do you have a fear of criticism? How do you handle criticism, even if it is constructive?

such a mood. i definitely fear criticism, but i’m slowly learning to value criticism within certain venues, by being intentional in how i receive it. it gets better.

🌱first, i try to reframe critique as “someone is literally telling me how to be better.” i love having an instruction manual. that being said, sometimes critiques aren’t helpful. and that’s that. it simply wasn’t helpful. and that’s not my fault. moving on.

🌱recognize that perfection is boring af. perfection allows for absolutely no movement, no growth. perfection = stagnancy, and we all hate not being productive.

🌱know what you’re pretty good at. is there something you rarely get critiqued on? what do you like about what you’ve done? also, know what hurdles you had in the first place, such as “i hated my topic.” hurdles are valid.

🌱i decide people are trying to help me, with good intentions. and if they clearly weren’t, then too the fuck bad, bc i can take any type of criticism and make myself better for it.i don’t have to agree with the criticism, bc that still teaches me something about the way i write /think/ eel / and/or want to express/feel/etc. i can make everything helpful, whether or not twas intended. i can always get better, and they are only enabling my growth, if i choose so.

🌱if a critique is a judgement, it’s not a critique worth my time, and the person who wrote it was using less brain power than i was in the first place. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ps: critiques have reasoning, and try to make the work better. judgement offers nothing productive.pps: ask questions. if you don’t understand the reasoning, go ask. g o a s k. it makes you look good, if you’re nice and pretend to be genuinely interested.

🌱i’ve learned to leave myself outside the door. the product i happened to make is being critiqued, not me. it’s really not about me, at this point.ps: this is really tricky when ppl are critiquing your trauma driven work. there have been moments i get angry, and sometimes i respond. the thing is, deep down, i know i’m right about how i feel and the type of media i want to read, the stories i want to hear. but i also have to recognize that some things are about taste.

🌱and if the older straight white cis guy standing at the front of the room disagrees with my story, then fuck that. take it or leave it, dude. sometimes i straight up disagree with a critique, and there i am, critiquing their critique. i’ve had 4 people i didn’t respect tell me they didn’t understand something, and 3 people i already respected tell me they did. those people got it. sometimes it’s simply a matter of audience. maybe i didn’t spill my guts for people who haven’t gone thru it. maybe i spilled my guts for those who got it. (i say this lightly, bc obviously if the majority doesn’t understand, then i need to improve)

🌱accept it with grace. my favorite part of dealing with shitty people is smiling at them and saying “thank you for xyz” your kind and generous honesty / patience / etc.” it’s telling them what grown up behavior i expect of them, and not giving them the upper hand. “i get mad at myself when i engage in argument, bc i let someone disrupt my peace”

🌱if you can, be intentional about who you get critique from. for example, i personally hate sharing my writing with people i care about. i got 0 confidence, so i just… don’t. it’s fine, bc i still value criticism from others… but not everyone. remember, you also don’t like everything you read, and that thing is someone else’s favorite thing. which is fine.

take it or leave it dude, it’s not the end of the world. jus someone’s opinion.

this is how i hear you:i was a creative writing major, so 2x+ a week my work  was discussed in front of me for 20+ minutes. listen. i’m a kid with anxiety. this was hell. it’d hang over me all week. i’d spend that class shaking and sometimes teary, just bc my anxiety manifests in my body :)))the weirdest thing? regularly, someone approached me to quietly ask how i’m so confident and relaxed. every single time, my mouth hung open. i literally stuttered “are you talking to me?” i felt so small and stupid, and somehow, no one could tell.by my senior year, i learned to slightly enjoy it. trust me tho, as i trusted people (and more “fuck it”), i got more personal, and my fear was more obvious. my hands shook, and someone would sometimes give me a tissue, bc i sniff when i get emotional. sometimes someone would hug me, and still more often someone would regularly ask how i was so comfortable and confident in my self and my work. it was obscene, and still blows my mind.

the thing is, i think i started to view criticism differently. same with all pain, i’m learning to just sit with it and wrap my mind around it. it gives me this sense of control over something i have no control over: i can control how i view everything. i can decide what helps me get better.

[stardustanddaffodils]

apologies for the giant ramble that’s probably about to happen, i think about this a little too much

so firstly, i do agree with op. but also... looking at the way you phrased this: “if i do good for selfish reasons, am i still doing good?” i think this has a fairly obvious answer? like... the action itself is good, so clearly you’re still doing good.

but if you change the wording of the question, its a bit harder to answer. “if i do good for selfish reasons, am i still good?” is a very different question. its that whole intention vs. impact thing that always screws with my mind. if you end world hunger and only do it because you want a prize, the action itself is good and im sure everyone’s glad you did it, but... if your ONLY motivation was the reward? you arguably couldnt be called good. your actions could, but probably not you.

BUT. if the reward was part of your motivation but not all, what then? like... you ended world hunger. why? um,... lets say it was partly for the sake of scientific discovery (if ending world hunger is a science thing- idk, could also be political?), partly because you knew others were suffering and wanted to help, and partly because you really did want that nobel peace prize... then what? is it like... a matter of which one was the leading motive? the impact alone being “good” doesnt necessarily make the intent “good”.

and i put good in quotes because that leads to another factor in this question: what does good even mean? what constitutes a “good” action or “good” intentions? who even decides that? like... ending world hunger? obviously good, thank you, very commendable. but some situations are a lot less black and white. and like... doing something for the recognition (which in this example comes in the form of a nobel peace prize)..... one could argue those motives are selfish and therefore “bad”, but one could also say that it’s simply human nature to want to be recognized or revered or remembered (wont get into that bc i dont wanna turn this into an entire essay)

in the end, its not rly clear. especially considering how multifaceted humans are, and how theres always more than one reason for doing something... like even if you ended world hunger because you saw people suffering and starving, some part of you probably really wants that nobel peace prize, or is at least proud of the award itself alongside the action that led to it.

or, in a more common situation than earning a nobel prize: are you (to reiterate- not the action, but you yourself) bad for doing something good because it makes you feel good? i think not.... i mean, if doing something good for others makes you feel good, i think that’s a good sign, no? and like... you cant control your feelings, and you also cant really control the way your brain goes “Happy Chemicals!! That Thing Made Happy Chemicals!! Do That Thing Again!!!!” (not sure how accurate that is dbdh science isnt my strong suit but... yeah) so... deriving pleasure from good deeds and using that feeling as motivation for further good deeds? i dont think that makes you bad... but there might be some who would argue, which is valid but really interesting/weird for me to think about

i think in the end the answer to this is simply the fact that there’s really no such thing as a “good” or “bad” person (at least in my opinion). really, we’re a little too complex for that. an action alone can be called good or bad, but the person and motives behind it... a lot harder to unpack. this is an answer thats very indirect and just leads to more questions and im definitely not satisfied with it but its all ive got.

so uh yeah! bdhdjkdhk sorry, this got... too long-

i dont get the whole "if i do good for selfish reasons, am i still doing good ?" like bro. yes you are. idgaf if you ended world hunger because you wanted a nobel peace prize. you still fucing ended worl hunger

[minblush]

i don't think people are picking on the chainsmokers because they're literally nobody and no one knows them except for their songs. i dont know their songs either tbh lol.

tbh i never even saw their faces before they took pics with bangtan, but i have heard their songs (like how can you not? those songs are HUGE and i don’t even follow american music tbh) and heard about them as people… eeh… yeah… i’d call them and their sexism problematic way more readily than what halsey is doing right now

more asks under read more! ;;

Anonymous said:please stop being like “people are picking on halsey because she’s a woman”. people don’t pick on the chainsmokers bc noboby actually knows who they are. and everyone here, or at least most of the fandom, loves tinashe to death and would be 100x more times happy if it was her or like kehlani, instead of halsey.

oh i would also definitely take kehlani over halsey any day myself! i’m not saying that it’s just because she’s a woman. but when it comes to this whole problematic thing… there is a double standard, i’m sorry i do believe that sexism is a factor because of the comments i’ve seen that are rooted in it by nature, if you aren’t fond of her for ~problematic~ behaviour in the past or even for being annoying (like i do lol) that is valid, i’m not taking it away from you, but the things i’ve seen people say… like i’m not cooking out of water you know, i have reasons as to why i said what i said… i try not to make made up blanket statements ._. also there is a stark contrast between how other people (men) were received when they interacted or tried interacting with the boys (pewdiepie had a much warmer response overall AND LIKE? IF YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES THEN YOU KNOW THAT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THE CASE)… anyway, i just still don’t think that any of it is relevant when it comes to bangtan? halsey being “problematic” or disliked by people… you can personally dislike her but she would be of great benefit to them and the boys do like her and were so excited to meet her, but you are going to be like OH NO YOU ARE DUMB GUYS SHE’S PROBLEMATIC, i’d much prefer kehlani (especially music wise!) but i don’t think it’s inherently wrong for bangtan to work with halsey if it were to happen and i am happy for them, like the screaming “OMG NO NOT THAT SLUT” like? that is… not good… i think we should be pleased and happy for the boys getting connections like this for the many reasons i said before and i don’t want to repeat myself too much so i’ll leave it there

Anonymous said:halsey has kissed a lOT of underage fans (she even tweeted “I keep promising underage fans that I’m gonna make out with them. I am SO going to jail.” but she deleted it). her ghost and colors music videos are problematic. she also had a tweet saying “Asians multiply every year”. and honestly she “speaks” on black lives matter bc she considers herself biracial but “passes” as white (literally no one could tell if she wanst like gUYS PLEASE I HAVE A BLACK DAD I’M HALF BLACK!).

Anonymous said:halsey is a really problematic person though

sorry i’m just going to do a combined response. when it comes to the kissing etc… i already discussed most of this and my point is still the same, so i’m not going to repeat myself, you can go read my previous asks again for my opinion there. about the videos i don’t see…how those music videos are problematic, i just watched them cause I’M NOT A HALSEY FAN why is this happening to me dakjsd, but yeah like you could debate it but that is some very strict standards there, do you find bangtan problematic as well then? like cultural appropriation wise or whatever, since that seems to be your issue with the first one, i didn’t see much wrong with the second one… 

but yeah, that is my question, do you think bangtan are problematic? i assume you both are bangtan stans since you’re here akdjs… but because if these are your standards then bangtan also most definitely fit in there, especially if to you “problematic” is something that defines you for the rest of your life once you do a problematic thing. to go on a tangent… i just have a problem with that word i suppose… problematic… the issue with that word is that people call people like halsey problematic to define them for doing problematic things in the past even if they try they best in the present, and i don’t think that’s fair, because then they also call the same thing the people that are actively racist right now, people that are misogynist or homophobic right now, celebrities that are abusive and break the law etc, like how can you put someone who made yeah ugly racist comments and jokes when they were 15-17 or so but learned from it (and from quick googling apologized as well) in the same category as people like johnny depp, woody allen or chris brown? which is what i see happening? and also with all the “problematic favs” being thrown around? jennifer lawrence etc? 

i already said that i don’t even really like her, i’m just indifferent, and i’m not comfortable defending her because… she did some messy things and i don’t care for her and it wasn’t even my point, i find her grating and annoying and messy, i guess this is really about what the word means to you? i admitted i didn’t know about the asian comments, but i did for example know about her transphobic comments and my opinion is the same before and after… i justtt can’t get behind calling her problematic as a whole… 

she did say problematic things in the past i can agree there! people are definitely right there i can concede. but i don’t think she’s problematic as a person because to me that means someone who is actively “causing problems and refuses to correct their behaviour” ykwim… to me she seems actively trying to be a positive influence on the world RIGHT NOW and seems to have learned from what you mentioned, and i can appreciate that, that is one of the things i really appreciate about namjoon - reflection, growth, trying to make a positive difference, i could be always wrong but i prefer giving people the benefit of the doubt.. if she goes out and does something genuinely problematic tomorrow i’ll apologize to you personally. 

also if you’re gonna bring up her racial comments from so long ago and keep making it your point, are you going to do the same to namjoon? i’m curious. because i hate when other kpop fans use namjoon as the model for problematic idols, that’s why i’m cautious about treating other celebrities that way. you could pick out the messy and problematic things from anyone’s life and just write them off, bangtan included :/ so if you stan them i do find this sort of thing hypocritical. 

and last thing, about her race… i can’t even… like… you are going to erase her race because she is passing? or what do you mean? what is your point even????? there are black celebrities that never said a word about it, that’s why i brought it up, i know she’s biracial, was that your point? to like remove one of the positive things she does? are you really mocking her for trying to be socially active? she put herself out there to do the right thing, i don’t think it’s worth that sort of tone. i really don’t get your point of view. idek.. that is just way too cynical even for me. 

but yeah, i said several times that my point wasn’t really to discuss whether she’s problematic or not, i don’t think she is right now though, she was in the past and i think she is questionable and i have my opinion about her in general, you can find her problematic if you want i guess, that is just a matter of how you define the word, we can agree to disagree. my point was that she can be of benefit to the boys and i stand by that! she was extremely nice and respectful to them and the boys liked her too, we don’t need to ruin it for them

also i know this is a really long reply so if you want to discuss it more please send me asks on my ask.fm instead, tumblr can eat messages and it’s annoying in general, so it would be more comfortable there, thank you

Anonymous said:some of you really acting like bts can’t and shouldn’t meet new people or artists or god forbid made new friends like lmao chill, they ain’t gonna date halsey. she did done some problematic shit but saying that bts doing charity meeting her (i saw that on twt) or sth is disgusting. she clearly acted very friendly towards them and the boys were happy and comfortable. same goes with the chainsmokers, etc. stop acting gross just because you don’t like some artists and let bts do whatever they want

yeah see, i dislike the chainsmokers way more than how i feel about halsey, but i was still happy for them that they got to meet, because the boys like their music and it would be a big thing for them to get connections like that, the audience exposure is HUGE, when the boys can benefit and when the boys are happy, i’m happy, even if i personally dislike the people they’re meeting… i just don’t think it’s fair to push our standards and opinions on the boys and be like “no you shouldn’t work with them because i personally dislike them”, it’s about the music first and about how much new fans and success they could gain

[iamanartichoke]

Your girlboss take is really interesting, thank you. I also think with Sylvie in particular, some people seem to resent her, or the romance, or the time Sylvie had in the series, so then slap on the term girlboss to dismiss her as bad writing, rather than thinking the story went in a direction they don't personally like.

The word "interesting" always makes me nervous bc I'm like, good-interesting or bad interesting? lmao but no, thank you though.

And I agree re: Sylvie; I mean, 3/4s of the wank surrounding her (and the series in general) is bc of shipping and the other 1/4 is bc many people feel like she took the focus off of Loki as the series protagonist. Which is fine, like, you can criticize the ship dynamic or how active a character she was as opposed to Loki, and so on - but, I find that most of the time, these criticisms are ultimately rooted in, as you said, being unable to reconcile what the show was with what some of the fandom wanted the show to be.

I'm not saying I'm not sympathetic to the criticisms, btw, and I hope that my posts aren't coming off that way. I share a decent amount of the criticism, and (I would hope) everyone knows by now that I support people's right to have differing opinions in this fandom and to express those on their blogs or wherever as much as they want.

But, I do feel that there are several "antis" who go too far (I am not following them and don't really know them aside from recognizing their urls.) for me to read personally; everyone's allowed to post their opinion but I am also allowed to have a reaction to it. So the more I see this vitriol, the more uncomfortable I feel, and also like, I feel that at a point they kinda undermine themselves or make it hard for their takes to hold weight bc they always come along with just dragging Sylvie, dismissing her as a Girlboss, expressing their hatred for her, etc. It becomes less "here's some valid criticism on this character" and more "you've already decided you hate this character bc you view her as a Girlboss and nothing the character does is ever going to satisfy you or appeal to you, which is fine, but I'm no longer considering your perspective bc it's clearly very biased."

Because ultimately it comes down to the series not being what people wanted. And I'll be very honest, it's not what I wanted, either. I have a lot of issues with it and think there are so many ways it could have been better and/or more satisfying. I would have made different decisions regarding the plot and the characters in general.

But I didn't write it, and we got what we got, so the best that I can do is just accept it for its flaws and for its strengths, and engage with it on a level that doesn't cause me unnecessary mental stress. And, yeah, that's just me, and I'm not trying to tell anyone else how to fandom, and also I may have wandered off topic by now but I guess all I'm trying to get across is that I wish the fandom was more forgiving toward Sylvie (and fandoms in general + "Girlbosses" in general) and viewed her more objectively. On a personal level, the vitriol makes me both emotionally and kinda physically uncomfortable (I'm empathic and viscerally feel things sometimes) and on a fandom level, opportunities for good discussion get missed bc either posts get derailed by people dragging the character, or posts never get made in the first place bc any hint of criticism is often taken as a green light to hop on the post and dump the hate on it. And a lot of that has to do with how divided we've become as a fandom in general - there's only black and white, the gray never stays gray for long.

But I have rambled enough, sorry.

[sumergosuigeneris]

September 27, 2018, Part II

Maybe I’ll regret it later, maybe tomorrow, maybe a while from now, but I quit the IOP program.

I got up the courage to talk to her. I said most of what I wanted to say. Pretty good considering I never say *everything* I plan when I have to have important conversations.

She sort of did what the online stuff said good therapists do. And she sort of did what the online stuff said bad therapists do. The major points? She had ‘no idea’ how I felt. She was ‘out of the loop’ and was ‘glad I came in and said something to her.’ She said she took responsibility for her part in this. But.....she didn’t apologize. As far as I’m concerned, she didn’t really take responsibility. If she had known [something], she ‘would have communicated differently.’ I did end up saying specifically that she should have let me know who would be covering for her, and she sort of acknowledged it. I can’t explain it, but it was such bullshit. I really feel like she didn’t take responsibility or feel sorry for how her part of it all made me feel. And she acted like she was clueless about the session when she was defensive/hostile. And she tried to insinuate, in a therapist type of way, that the things I felt were just my internal stuff being projected on her. That one, I cut off. It was not in my head.

The one thing she denied was that she disliked me or had a problem with me. But given the other stuff, I’m not sure if I didn’t believe her or if I just didn’t care. It felt deflating, but not in a good way.

And then the anger came. Because then she turned it into could I explain what it was I thought she did. Acting innocent and not apologizing/taking responsibility. Either she was full of it, or she couldn’t read me - at all. What kind of therapist has no idea how upset they are making their client/patient? I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t.

And I talked about whether or not I was ready for discharge or what. I finally had to ask her if, disregarding this session, I was ready in her opinion. She gave me a long monologue. I finally said I’d interpret that as, yes. Even though we hadn’t dealt with my anxiety at all really. Or avoidance at all. Apparently, my doing my own research [in the absence of any focus from her] was a good sign. I can’t even.

Then she suggested we do a termination session for the last session. Like, did she not realize that next week would have been the last session to begin with? Also, is that not what we were doing in the room?

She actually thought I would do the work I started with her with milquetoast. I disabused her of that notion. She was the first person I trusted with all my secrets, and she had so little regard for what I was actually going through, who I am, what I needed. Why the fuck, how the fuck could I trust anyone else, esp if I didn’t feel a connection with them.

She tried to draw me out. She really did. But I couldn’t. And I didn’t want to leave either. Anyway, she said nice things to me in ending. Wish you well, know you’ll do great things, doing the work, I enjoyed working with you, I enjoyed you as a person. Whatever.

And she kept saying she would be there if I wanted to reach out. Or needed to go back to IOP. I don’t know. It was weird. I wasn’t in a space to hear/do anything. I wanted to lash out, to hurt her, but I had nothing to hurt her with since clearly...the only thing I had was to say I wouldn’t be reaching out again.

I don’t know. I think, if I’m honest with myself, I was more attached to her than I thought I was. Honestly, when I first met her, I’d thought - kinda wish we could be friends instead. And if I hadn’t felt any kind of connection, I wouldn’t have been able to share what I did. But that didn’t outweigh the things.

For the first time since I stared seeing her, we ended early.

I think too, it might have been, if not a bad decision, at least a non-good decision to skip group. But again, if I’m good to go, I’m good to go. And I sort of said my goodbyes on Tuesday. Some of which were nice, some of which were disappointing. So, better to walk away before being completely disappointed.

And honestly, I feel like they would have wanted to treat it like I was wrong or over-reacting. Like, really only one of them actually validated my feelings to begin with. The rest were all like - are you sure this or that? Like bitch, I give you good support and that shit is what you give me?

I at least randomly got to say goodbye to my fave therapist. It’s weird lol, what you can/can’t say.

But anyway, even though i spent some time questioning everything and my decisions in the room, I know I did *something* right because the anxiety went away. My stomach unknotted, and I was actually hungry.

I don’t know if I’ll try to start up therapy with milquetoast next week, or the week after. But I’m okay with that.

And hell, maybe I’ll bend and contact her. “Despite the fact that you couldn’t apologize or take responsibility, for a while you were a good therapist and had me trusting you.” Or how about “you sucked as a therapist, but wanna hang out sometime?” lol. At least I have my sense of humor.

Also, work aggravation. Fuckers asking me to do their fucking travel for them. I’m not *your* secretary. I’m not your fucking travel agent. I’m frustrated and angry b/c I can’t say know bc boss directly involved, AND technically one of them is super busy b/c defending her dissertation next week. Regardless of being forced to prostrate myself for terrible, okay just scummy, people, I can’t not respect the dissertation/defense/graduation of a PhD

Apparently, there’s a movie about Neil Armstrong. Can’t support it. All white men. A few white women. A couple cameos by black men. I believe one black man plays ‘reporter.’ Not even a wink or nod to the black female computers. Fuck you. No money.

Still trying to decide how I feel about the arguments I’ve seen about foreign black people getting all the American black people roles. But this at least is an easy decision. No ‘First Man’ for me.

Plan - go to bed early. Apply for jobs in the morning. Leave everything for a minute.